For all of you who like “lists” as a way to measure success in life, you’ll like this weeks Marriage Message. Men especially like lists because we equate success with being able to check off each item.

Well, the following list is pretty challenging but we believe that each of the ten items (or principles), if followed, could almost “guarantee” your marriage will succeed. As you read through them ask yourself, “Am I following this principle?” Then, secondly, ask yourself, “If I’m not following this, how can I begin to implement this principle into my daily way of thinking and living with my spouse?”

The list comes from Mark Brandenburg who is a Certified Personal Coach and author of Fix Your Wife in 30 Days or Less (And Improve Yourself at the Same Time). It appeared in an article from Smart Marriages on 11/18/03. We added the additional comments that appear in (parenthesis):

1. Forget about getting your needs met. Focus on your spouse and what you can do for them. This is the best way to bring out the best in both of you.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-4)

2. Keep some meaningful rituals in your relationship. Whether it’s having a dinner conversation after work every night or taking a long walk, have something in place that allows you to stay in touch with each others’ lives.

(And don’t forget to schedule in date times regularly with each other. You dated each other before marriage—that’s what contributed to your falling in love with each other in the first place. Don’t neglect dating each other after the wedding to help your love for each other to stay alive and vital.)

3. Have a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. There should be 5 hugs, compliments, or squeezes of the arm for every roll of the eyes, every criticism, or every episode of blaming.

(Better yet—don’t roll the eyes or do anything that’s disrespectful to each other. It causes an erosion to the relationship that doesn’t glorify God.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.” Colossians 3:12-15)

4. Be relentless in your pursuit of self-improvement and trying to be a better spouse.

Healthy marriages tend to grow and change. This means that you must be willing to try on new behaviors and to take some risks.

5. Make your marriage full of special surprises. Marriages are more alive and exciting when there are surprises sprinkled in to them. Surprise your spouse with a vacation, a special date night, flowers, candy, or anything else that excites them.

6. Take great self care. If you’re all stressed out, you’re going to be a bear to be around! Make sure that you follow a program of self care that allows you to give energy to the relationship.

(“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

7. Develop a common interest that you can share together. You’re going to be spending a lot of time together. It’s nice to have an activity to share that helps you to enjoy that time together. Whether it’s golfing, traveling, or shopping, find your common interests and turn them into pleasurable experiences.

8. Focus on being kind and not on being right. It’s easy to spend time showing your spouse that you’re right. Focus on being kind instead and you’ll argue less and enjoy each other more.

(“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29)

9. When things do get heated, commit to a plan that works. Don’t say things in the heat of the moment that may do damage to your relationship. Have a plan in place that may include: walking away, continuing the discussion at a later date, or some sort of relaxation response.

(Please re-read this advice. It’s excellent! “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 4:32- 5:2)

10. Develop a great network of support around you. Whether it’s friends or family, have a group of people that you spend time with whom you can confide in and share times with. It always helps to know that others are going through the same things you are.

(“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another-and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:25)

We pray God’s greatest blessings on your marriage this week. Don’t forget to treat each other with the love and respect God would have you give—treating each other as more important than yourself—using Christ as your example of sacrificial love.

Steve and Cindy Wright