(Author Unknown)
Discuss this list with your husband. Ask him to check the ones most meaningful to him and then arrange them in order of importance to him. Use this list as a basis for learning his views. Your relationship can be greatly strengthened as you use these suggestions.
1. Respectfully communicate with him.
2. Let him know he’s important to you.
3. Purposefully try to understand his feelings—even when you disagree with him.
4. Show interest in his friends giving him some time with them if they’re trust-worthy.
5. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. (Dave Ramsey)
6. Tell him you both love him AND like him.
7. Either show interest in his hobbies or allow him space to participate freely. (Dave Ramsey)
8. Protect his dignity on a daily basis.
9. Be tender with him realizing he has feelings also.
10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.
11. Try not to make sudden major changes without discussion and giving him time to adjust.
12. When you go out on a date together don’t bring up problems—have fun instead.
13. Focus on what he’s doing right, instead of focusing so often on the negatives.
14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life.
15. Give him special time with you apart from the children.
16. Recognize that the first few minutes after a spouse comes home often sets the stage for how the rest of the evening will go. So try to make the first few minutes a positive experience. (And then ease into the negative if it’s necessary.)
17. Give him half an hour to unwind after he gets home from work. Your evenings will be much more enjoyable. (Dave Ramsey)
18. Don’t allow any family member to treat him disrespectfully. Be the one to defend him to any family member that dishonors his place as your husband.
19. Compliment him often.
20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
21. Talk with him about having specific family goals for each year to work on to achieve together so you will both feel closer to each other as a marital team.
22. Don’t over commit yourself. Leave time for him.
23. Extend God’s grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.
24. Find ways to show him you need him.
25. Give him time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect at other times.)
26. Admit your mistakes; don’t be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.
27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talk about him. Remember that love protects (1 Corinthians 13:7).
28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.
29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.
30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk calmly (schedule it when necessary).
31. Initiate going out on romantic outings (when he’s not tired).
32. Email him when he’s at work, telling him how much you love him.
33. Surprise him with a fun gift of some kind that he’d really enjoy.
34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.
35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is (giving him specific reasons).
36. Give advice in a loving way — not in a nagging or belittling way.
37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head at home (without “lording” it over him).
38. Reserve some energy for him so you’re not so tired when he wants you sexually.
39. Don’t expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities.
40. Pray for him to enjoy God’s best in life.
41. Take special notice for what he has done for you and the family.
42. Brag about him to other people both in front of him and even when he’s not there.
43. Share your feelings with him at appropriate times (but keep it brief when he’s tired—sometimes men can feel “flooded” by too many words).
44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.
45. Honor him in front of the children (differ respectfully in private when necessary).
46. Give him time to unwind for a little while after he comes home from work. Arrange ahead of time to take your “time out”, giving him a few minutes with the children.
47. Get up with him, even when he gets up earlier than you want to and pray with him. (Hopefully you can go back to sleep afterwards. If not, it’s a sacrifice worth making.)
48. Be his “help-mate” in whatever ways you sense he needs it.
49. Do some shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him (like watching a movie or taking a drive together) without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.
50. Be a student of his ways so you show your love in ways he best comprehends it.
51. When your husband is in a bad mood give him time to recover. Don’t crowd him.
52. Help him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education when your see he needs it.
53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead: “Handle With Care.”
54. Work to get rid of habits that annoy him.
55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don’t make him choose between you.
56. Don’t compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank him for things he’s done around the house. (It means a lot to men).
58. Don’t expect credit for all you do for him. Do it as “unto the Lord.”
59. Make sure he agrees with everything important that you’re planning to do.
60. Do little things for him— let him sleep in, bring him coffee and/or breakfast in bed, etc.
61. Don’t belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.
62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.
63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to “work” at home.
64. Get to the point in your discussions. Spare him details unless he wants them.
65. Discover his sexual needs.
66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.
67. Wink at him from across the room when you’re out at a group function.
68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks.
69. Don’t quarrel over words.
70. Be kind and courteous with him. (Don’t be kinder to strangers than to him.)
71. When things go wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.
72. As a kindness, don’t say, “I told you so.”
73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.
75. Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.
76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones.
77. Tell him you love him more often.
78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case.
79. Sit with him while he’s watching TV—even if the program doesn’t interest you.
80. Don’t expect him to read your mind. (Family’s are spared grief when a husband isn’t required to read their wife’s mind despite the fact that the wife thinks he should.)
81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.
82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff. (He may view them as more important than you realize.)
83. Work to keep yourself in shape in every way.
84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words. Remember to “speak the truth in LOVE.”
86. Don’t criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.
87. Visit his childhood home with him.
88. When you’re angry, express it in respectful ways. Don’t give the silent treatment.
89. Pray for him.
90. Make him homemade soup when he’s sick.
91. Look your best—dress to honor him and make him proud to be seen with you.
92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.
93. Don’t disagree with him in front of the children.
94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.
95. Cheer his successes whether in business or in other areas of everyday living.
96. Graciously teach him how to demonstrate his love for you.
97. Give him coupons to redeem—maybe for a back scratch or a shoulder rub.
98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.
100. Thank him for just being himself.
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(NIGERIA) YOUR WORK IS QUITE HELPFUL. PLS KEEP IT UP. REMAIN BLESSED. WITHOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU MARRIAGE COULD BE IN A DEGRADABLE PROFILE.
(UNITED STATES) This is a bunch of crap!!! Us wives should be the ones who get our feet and backs rubbed!!! If my husband messes up I tell him. I don’t sugar coat it…he sure doesn’t. I don’t think that women should ever be expected to do the things on this list. I think that if you love someone it should come naturally. I think that if you are told to act a certain way or feel a certain way about someone…even if it is your husband….you are less likely to genuinely feel that way. Just something to think about ladies!!!
(UNITED STATES) You are SO wrong. You believe that making a man feel like a MAN takes away from your femininity and your power. You are an idiot. I make a six figure income and I make his lunch every morning and make his dinner at night. My husband adores me and always treat me with respect. You are selfish and have ill feelings towards your husband which is evident with your ” I don’t sugar coat it… he sure doesn’t” comment. I hope your marriage improves… and your attitude.
(UNITED STATES) You are right on!!
(USA) How’s your relationships so far? You can lie if you want but your only lying to yourself.
(USA) YOU ARE SO RIGHT!
(UNITED STATES) Wow – that last response is pretty strong, and defensive. Granted – there are some old school ideas about how women “should” act towards their husbands but these are just suggestions and I for one was happy to find them. I’ve been feeling so grateful for my husband. And of the two of us, I’M the one who has trouble showing affection and being ’soft’ so this list is a great way to help me work at getting in touch with that and letting him know just what he means to me.
And, in case you didn’t notice – there’s a list written for MEN as well…. This is a great list, thanks for sharing it!
(USA) This is right on!!!
(USA) I love reading this list. It helps me plan nice things for my husband. He deserves to be treated very well. I am a happy wife who feels appreciated. My husband shows me a lot of love and respect. So good luck ladies. I hope this list can help.
(AUSTRALIA) Erin from the United States, that is a very poor attitude towards these points. I came to this website because I was looking for ways to love and cherish my wife, or to at least show her, and then I saw this page.
As a man, this is EXACTLY what I’m looking for from my wife, and just as I am sure that the comments on the other page are pretty much what my wife is looking for. Granted, I do ALL of the cooking at home, so the comments about cooking and cleaning up afterwards for her don’t mean a thing in our relationship, but if I’d found this site before we fought recently, perhaps she’d still be living with me.
Erin, please don’t be so negative to these suggestions. If you are married, these are probably things that your husband would like to see. Especially the love notes in the pockets stuff from my perspective. Don’t do these things to receive them in return, but I can pretty much guarantee that if your husband DOES love you, it will pay off for you eventually. A loved husband is a loving husband.
This is just a suggestion list, sometimes, especially in the early years, we don’t know EXACTLY what our partners want. I’ve not been married 18 months and my marriage has fallen apart because I didn’t know how to treat my wife. A wife is a special part of your life, she’s not your mate, yet she is. She’s not your girlfriend, yet she is. She’s so much more than ANY other person in your life, and it can be hard, particularly having married so young, to know what to do. I love my wife, and pray daily that she will forgive me for not respecting her and her feelings. I wish she was here with me…
(USA) I love your comment. It actually brought tears to my eyes. I hope the best for your relationship. Always know, God has all control and he knows what’s best for us. Even when we don’t know ourselves. My God bless you and your wife.
(UNITED STATES) I’m sorry about you marriage. Maybe you could tell her how you feel, how sorry you are, and ask her to come back.
(SPAIN) It is rather sad that is is happening to you. I believe with time your wife will realise that you really care for her and she will come back to you.
(USA) Don’t disagree with him in front of your children. A lot of this I agree with, this I don’t. My children will know I have MY OWN opinion. Now however, if my husband had punished or told the kids no…I do not go against him.
Reading much of this, I see where I am lacking in the trying to be at my best.
The husband more than likely won’t read 100 ways on how to make your wife happy with how she is. But, the family needs a leader and the others will follow. Right?
My husband is not the best leader. He is very racial and very set in his ways. He has begun following me to church and has very much slacked up on his drinking (matter of fact he isn’t drinking anymore) ever since I took the reigns. I am leading when my husband really thinks he is.
We are far from perfect, but I think with my doing a few of these extras…we can certainly head that way.
(UNITED STATES) I agree with you that it is ok to disagree with our husbands in front of our children, but I also believe that any arguments should not be in front of our children.
(US) I think these sugesstions are great. Being a newlywed, I find myself doing a lot of them anyway, but it’s nice to see them in print. I think because I am a little older and I have been married before, this (marriage) means so much more to me. It doesn’t hurt that my husband is a true southern gentleman and I really do want him to know that I love and respect him. Marriage in and of itself is a lot of work, but in my experience it seems that the little things really do make a difference. And effort has to be put forth consciously and consistantly, one day at a time. Thank you for these suggestions, I really do appreciate the time and effort to share.
(USA) The Website and resources look wonderful.
(AUSTRALIA) I think that these ideas are great… I’m not married yet but I will definitely be saving this list for when I am. I will also be giving my future husband the 100 ways you can love your wife!!!
You gotta please the men… if you do nice things for them and make them feel important they will treat you nice and show you respect. It doesn’t take much to make a man feel appreciated and this list is a great start.
(IRELAND) We are immigrants originally from Nigeria. I refer to your articles from time to time. It has helped me tremendously. I thank God for a site like this at a time when marriage is under the greatest attack. God bless you guys and enrich you graciously.
(USA) I am a young adult woman who is about to get married for the second time. I find these comments the concrete that holds couples together. Let me be clear though, I am the type of person who need lots of attention from my fiancee and I need him to cherish me in all of the same ways as I should cherish him. However, I always wondered why I seemed to doubt our love for each other in the past as I did with my first marriage. As reading through these suggestions I realized that I MYSELF have A LOT to work on.
I, as I’m sure other people, get caught up in pointing the finger at the other person. (Why didn’t you do this, or why didn’t you say this.) These suggestions make you look at yourself and what YOU can do.
(USA) This is exactly how all men need to feel in their home in order to be a good husband. If you disrespect your husband, or belittle him, he will not be the husband you are wanting. If you give him respect, and not embarass him, or challenge him in front of other people, he will respond by loving you and treating you that way. I think most men shut down toward a woman who can’t even respect him. This is important to men. That is why they are men. women want and need love, men want and need respect. When these two things are in order, the rest falls in place.
I hope I can continue to learn how to respect my husband, and with that, he will continue to love me. When your husband loves you, there is nothing you are missing out on, love is complete. If he loves you, he then shows you respect. This in no way puts you at a disadvantage.
(USA) Erin, It is quite sad to see you feel that way. I think this list is wonderful. They are just suggestions/reminders of how each of us wants to be treated. I have taken some of this advice and it helps to keep the bond I have with my husband strong. I hope you will reconsider. It sounds like your comments are a result of your being hurt by your husband in some way. You will be in my prayers. Thank you Marriage Missions. Keep the suggestions and weekly messages coming.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I think this will be very helpful for me as in fact I am the one who is not very affectionate at times. Please pray for me…
(KENYA) Its true, as you add more years to your marriage, the romance somehow takes a back seat. The suggestions sound realistic. I plan to try them out and see how it goes. One a day! That’s like 3.5 months already….
(ZAMBIA, AFRICA) thank you, i found this very helpful. been married for nearly 2 years, wish i had seen this lsit earlier, its gor very valid points.pray for me as i try to be a better wife.thanx again
(INDIA) Hey Guys, You have done a wonderful job!! You are saving human lives as you know what did I mean!! I can only salute you because when I read these points I was having tears on my cheeks, being a working women I was not having time to converse with my husband and things were going bad with the time. But now I can feel women have the power to do anything. We can make impossible to possible.
My dear friends, I will cheer you if you can always collect this information for all the ladies in this World in Future and will really appreciate you. Many Thanks, Jasmine
(USA) I have read all the items above and still, I feel I have not expressed how much I love my husband… of 46 years! I wish I could just start all over again! There are some items that do endure and perhaps I could still accomplish even though my physical condition imposes some limits. Just wanted you to know there are some happily married people out here!
(USA) So someone sent me this list and I’m not sure they reviewed it before sending it on. Forgive me if there is a counterpart to this list above that I have not seen.
About 1/2 of the things listed above I think should be used equally husband to wife AND wife to husband. The other half remind me of an advice columnist from 1950. I want and deserve the same respect and love I give to my husband. This list implies the woman has all the work to uphold the marriage and keep it running smoothly.
(USA) All I can say is "All the time you spent putting these points down in writing must have helped thousands of people around the globe, and you will be blessed every time 1 wife tries to do 1 out of the 100 things…" So You are blessed as you get in multiples!!
(USA) Every husband I know would put this at the top of the list: Enjoy passionate sex with him often. If he would like to have sex four times a week, you will show the most love for him by figuring out a way to have at least that many sexual encounters with him each week. You cannot just do this by determination if your desire level is lower. But there are plenty of books that can help.
So if you want to show love for your husband, become the lover of his dreams. Dress up, try new things, pursue him and show him your desire. God created sex for marriage. Celebrate your marriage sexually with your husband and never abuse sex as a method for control or punishment.
(US) I must agree with Kari. This list is a step in the wrong direction. Men are bored after they have been married for a bit and the female is not in charge of keeping his attention. He should want and desire the relationship or say farewell. Marriage is about compromise and equality. Unfortunately, not all men understand this.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Because I want to shower my wife with similiar affections, I was able to find a counterpart list with ease. Many of us men understand that marriage is not a one way street and that marriage is a constant maintenance issue.
As my stepdad taught me – my old pickup is not going to keep running well unless I take care of it. My house will not stand unless I continue the necessary repairs. Some of the repairs may have been caused by direct damage done by me. Others will have been caused by external factors or third parties. And, sometimes it is nice to wash the truck or paint the house just so that they look nice and other know that you appreciate them. I think what I am trying to say is obvious to marriage.
Ladies and Gents here is the other list – http://www.marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-wife-her-way/
Some of the ladies express discontent with the love-your-husband-his-way list for whatever reason. It’s not my place to determine why. But my question is – would you be upset or hurt if men balked at the love-your-wife-her-way list? Especially if they didn’t at least try some of the things on the list?
One last final note – It is a lot easier to love and respect a person who loves and respects me.
(BOTSWANA) I totally agree with Mary. Men, seem to get bored a few minutes after their marriage. It is like they’re always looking out for a new event. He has impressed you, married you and supposedly made you happy. That is it! Mission accomplished. Now, he must move on.
(USA) I both agree with what Kari and Mary and Mbali have said, but I also agree with points that Richard made as well. Keep in mind what this list is supposed to achieve. It’s a list that is supposed to help you demonstrate love to your husband in ways that makes him feel valued — not all of it will apply. There is another list for husbands to use to show a wife love in ways that she feels valued. There is no requirement to use this list. It’s just something to help you for added insights.
Sometimes we just aren’t gifted in thinking up ways to show our spouse how much we love and appreciate them. Also, not everyone perceives acts of love in the same way. (The book, “The 5 Love Languages” is a great one to explain this better than I can.)
I came to understand this later in our marriage. Something that really means a lot to me is “Acts of Service.” Some women like receiving flowers from their husband. When their husband gives them roses or flowers, they feel VERY loved. I don’t. Flowers die. And while I appreciate flowers in the yard, receiving them seems like a waste of money to me for something that dies so quickly.
My husband used to bring them home to me and would think I’d feel especially loved because of it. I felt loved because of the gesture, but it didn’t really hold the same meaning for me as it would other women who would receive them from their husbands. But if my husband would do the dishes or fill my car with gas or wash my car or do something physically to relieve my work load, I’d be ecstatic and would feel very loved. I’d feel inside that he noticed how tired I was and valued me enough to do something to relieve the pressure I felt. It registered high on my love scale. Flowers and gifts are nice, but DOING something for me is more meaningful. It’s just the way I’m wired. Other women are wired differently.
On the other hand, I used to think that my husband Steve would feel the same way as I did when it came to my doing things for him. So I used to go out of my way to do extra little things for him and thought it would have the same meaning for him as it would me.
While he DID appreciate it, it didn’t hold the same meaning. And that would perplex me. But if I scratch his back or spend quality time with him or go out of my way to romance him and am intimate with him, he feels ESPECIALLY valued and loved. It’s the way he’s wired. I may not understand it, but that’s not the point. A true gift of love is one where you get behind their eyes and in their head and figure out what means the most to THEM — not you.
After reading and comprehending the concepts contained in the book “The 5 Love Languages” it has revolutionized the way we see all of this. I highly recommend the book.
Also, I can understand the points that Kari and Mary and Mbali have made. I’ve been praying about my response (and also if I should make a response). I feel I need to. Yes, I agree that many men… and might even say that a majority of men (although not all), have a “hunt and conquer” mind-set. They find themselves attracted to women, and then find that woman that they feel especially close to and fall in love with, and then they marry her. But after they marry and the bio-chemicals (and other factors) kick into another gear, they focus their attention on other areas of life, like a career or just maintaining a living wage, etc. And once that happens, they can neglect to keep speaking their wife’s love language like they did before they married them.
In all fairness, a lot (and even most) women tend to do the same thing in a different way– their main focus of attention goes to the children, rather than things outside of the home. And we can argue that children are needy and need more attention — which is true, but sometimes we give them more attention than we should (and yet we find ways to justify it, just like husbands find ways to justify their actions).
And we can also argue that if the husband helped more (after-all, it’s their children too), they’d have more energy in reserve — which is also true. But there are arguments that can be made by the men on that as well. My husband and I have dealt with those arguments in the past and when I REALLY looked at the whole picture, I’ve had to make compromises, and so has he (when he looked at the whole picture in truth as well). That’s what marriage is… a lot of compromising and working through issues in partnership.
Whatever the case, both men and women see things from different lenses and different angles. What I’ve learned is that we’re wired differently. And different isn’t usually “wrong” — it’s just different. (We have a whole section on “Gender Differences” that can help us to better comprehend some of the complexities involved that you might want to read through.)
Women SEEM to be more relationally wired (there are exceptions to this) where men SEEM to be more challenge and conquer oriented (there are exceptions to this as well). That doesn’t mean that men can’t step up and be relational because they can… but usually it’s for a shorter time (with a goal in sight) and it doesn’t mean that women can’t be conquerors of challenges — because they do this a lot, but it’s usually with relationship goals in sight because of the way they seem to be wired by God, our Creator.
And within all of this in the mix, there are men as well as women who are narcissistic, and some who have mental illnesses and personality disorders they are engulfed in, and others who are addicted to thrill-seeking of some type (to drugs, alcohol, sex, and/or gambling, or for ways to receive new “highs”). Some have addictive personalities where they have weaknesses that they need to fight for the rest of their lives and others will fall into addiction because of boredom or giving into a periodic lack of better judgment, or whatever. But I believe that MOST men and women basically want and can do what is good for a marriage. It’s just that they lose sight or don’t know what it takes to make that happen.
Author David Viscott wrote, “Relationships seldom die because they suddenly have no life left in them. They wither slowly, either because people do not understand how much or what kind of upkeep, time, work, love, and caring they require or because people are too lazy or afraid to try.” I agree. I believe that God wired us to be in community together — especially for marriage (with some for singleness apart from marriage). What one person lacks the other can step up and help them with; and what they lack, the other can help. What they both lack, they can learn; and what they both can do well, they can learn how to make that work for the better of the relationship as well. It’s give and take and the art of learning how much and when to do what.
The scriptures talk about how the one who is stronger can and should help the weaker, when it is possible. It also talks about how the body is created and not everyone is an “ear” or a “mouth” or an “eye” — we all have different creativeness and when we work together, we can make the best of what God has given to us.
I’ve also learned that marriage is a partnership that takes a lot of skill in learning each other, as well as learning what God intends for us, and learning how to make our marriages work. It’s not a “natural” process. Left to our own ways, we will have a tendency to be self-centered and won’t do what we should (see: Romans 7:15-25).
I also agree with Mark Gungor in his book “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” where he says “The thing that makes marriage wonderful is WORK. But we need more than work; we need SKILL. Just because we are willing to work for a great marriage does not mean we have the skills to actually pull one off. Those skills take time and knowledge. The longer we wait to learn those skills, the more we are apt to tumble from one painful relationship to another — each one building a case on the past one, convincing us we will NEVER be able to be happy with the spouse we are with.”
I also agree with something else he said to women (since I’m addressing mostly women who have expressed discontent here — and understandably so — I’ve been there and have done that myself). Mark Gungor also wrote in his book, concerning working on relationship issues when a man seems clueless or doesn’t seem interested: “Men don’t mind talking about specific issues. What they hate is when one issue leads to another and then another and then another…”
Ladies, “keep in mind that men DON’T LIKE working on relationships. A guy will assume, that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Men think that the best possible thing one can do for a relationship is to leave it alone. To a guy, the idea of reading a book on relationships rates right up there with root canals and rectal exams.
“Women, on the other hand, LIKE to work on their relationships (or are at least more willing). A woman enjoys tilling the relational gardens of her life — planting, fertilizing, weeding, pruning — all the while cherishing each and every improvement she sees, as her relational ‘garden’ grows and thrives.” And from what I see, this seems to be true of most women — there are always exceptions — I get that, and Mark Gungor gets that. But generally, this seems to be true. There’s more that you might benefit from reading on all of this that you could gain by reading Mark Gungor’s book “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage.” I obviously can’t give you as extensive insight in this comment section as reading the book can give you.
But what I’ve personally learned is that to have a good marriage, you have to become students of each other and what it takes to make your marriage the best it can be. Every relationships contain different dynamics. And with some, one partner can be either “relationship-challenged”, “relationship naive” and/or “relationship lazy” for a period of time or longer. When that comes into play, I believe the other then needs to pray and ask God FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO OBTAIN WISDOM ON THE MATTER. And then it takes persevering in doing what God shows you, to be the marriage partner who goes the “extra mile.”
For us, I’ve learned that I’m more relationship-oriented and perceptive. It’s my natural bent, and it isn’t Steve’s. He’s MUCH better at this than he was before and at times even goes far beyond what I do (now that we’ve been married for so many years and have been learning together). But there have been times when he’s dug his heals in and I’ve had to go to the Lord to figure out how to move our relationship forward so we BOTH feel our needs are being met by each other and/or by the Lord.
I used to complain about it and have felt sorry for myself, but I’ve learned that this is where partnership comes in. Where one lacks, the other picks up the slack. And what’s the huge deal if I’m usually the initiator on this area of our marriage? I’ve got a GREAT husband and eventually, my needs and wants are more than met. If it takes being the initiator for the rest of our lives together, I’ll take that ANYTIME over clinging to what I think might be “right” and having the initiating come equally from both of us. Steve does other things that I lack and he doesn’t usually complain. And if he does, I find ways to respectfully remind him that we each do things that contribute to the betterment of our marriage. It all works out in the end.
What do you do if a marriage partner won’t do their part in showing love to you? That’s something you need to pray about, and KEEP in prayer. It’s different for everyone. As humans, we put a time limit on things. If we lack wisdom, keep asking. God has a bigger plan. He may be trying to get us to exercise our “persevering” muscle, so to speak. Or it may be that there are other things involved and God will show you that at the right time.
Keep persevering and praying. We have a lot of articles on our web site that you may want to read to help you in all of this. God will show you if the advice is for you or not or by reading some of this, the Holy Spirit may spark another idea or give you a different insight to consider. Don’t limit what He can do through one partner who is willing to be fully open to doing what God leads.
I apologize for the lengthy answer. I pray all of this helps.
(KENYA) I have been practicing most of these things and they really work. My husband even tells me he finds nothing that he needs me to change or improve in the way I treat him or the way I run they family. I thank God for such a wonderful man in my life. I encourage all the ladies to practice them and see how their men will tremendously improve. But as you do this don’t expect him to do the same in return so soon. Also, don’t even tell him that you are practicing them. Let his see your actions.
(NIGERIA) Your write up is quit interesting. I read it with my wife and we find it helpful. Keep it up.
(NIGERIA) This is is quit interesting, i have been looking for such tools that will help me cherish my Husband the more, i found this site helpful, it helps me to restore my love, how a good woman should run her homes and even make my family life happy, this has help me to become a good wife.
Ladies putting this into practice as i ve will safeguide your home.
(USA) I’m so glad I found this list. I just hope I didn’t find it too late.
(PHILIPPINES) Thank you for this post and the HER way post. After being married for over 23 years, it’s nice to read about 1) a lot of familiar things I/my husband have done in the past – and 2) new ways (which you have shared) — to show love to each other. I must have been led to this website just-in-time for Valentine’s day. This is a comprehensive list worth sharing with family and friends. Thank you and God bless! http://www.amomandmore.com
(USA) I have been married for 35 years but I have known my husband for 40 years but I will tell you what, he is the most unromantic man I will ever know. He told me he would tell me when he does not love me. But we get along well and I know He loves me and it will always be that way. We have two grown sons out on their own and doing fine. I just wanted someone to wish me HAPPY VALENTINES day. I never Got A Happy Valentine’s kiss or anything.
(USA) I know that if you want your marriage to get better you don’t send your wife this list after you have ignored her for 18 hours.
(CANADA) The first list I looked at was the "How to show your WIFE…" list, in order to help my husband understand my needs. He read it (among similar pages I found), then we talked things out. In conversation, I realized I, too, needed to check in and see if I were doing all I could to show him my love and appreciation. I was happy to find that some of them I already do, and happy to find more ideas.
If you are calling BS on this list, I urge you to read the other list as well. It helps to make more sense, and you will find some of these suggestions less offensive. For example: The give your husband sex more often suggestion. This becomes less offensive when you understand that on the "how to show your wife.." list it explains that you spend time giving your wife love and affection in the way she needs it, she will then be more open to reciprocation. This is so true. Make me feel loved and I will want to give you love your way. Simple as that.
I honestly think the husband and the wife list should be done together, not separately. I have found it extremely beneficial to my 4 year marriage, and I thank you for putting it up there.
(USA) This list is what I want to live up to more than any personal goal in my life. I have been blessed with the most wonderful man alive and I am thankful for him.
(FIJI) Thanks for the list. I have been married for the past 8 years to a wonderful man who is also a pastor and I had so many issues when I entered into this marriage. God has used my marriage amonst other things to heal me of all the hurts that I had faced in past relationships. Lately, I have been dealing with some of these issues and was informed of your website through a friend. I am working hard on becoming the kind of wife that God wants me to be to my husband and I want to thank you for all the resources that you have made available to us to enrich our marriage. Thanks.
(USA) Give me a break. I agree with Erin– this is a bunch of crap. Probably religious crap.
(USA) Hmmmmm…. " Probably religious crap." Cheena, did you notice the header at the top of the page says "Revealing the Heart of Christ Within Marriage"? I don’t know, maybe that would be your first clue.
Oh well, when the world thinks communicating, showing respect, caring about the feelings of your spouse, and doing things that makes them feel loved is a "bunch of crap", it’s no wonder that so many marriages end in divorce.
I for one think when we stop thinking so much about ourselves and start thinking about our spouse, we may figure out that God knew what He was saying when he commanded us to love and respect each other.
(S. AFRICA) Why is it always a one way street? I have tried so hard to do all the right things and say all the right words but nothing helps. My husband, after three affairs and ongoing emotional abuse, does not deserve my respect. I would love some kindness and attention from him as well. Does God really want me to live this way? Respect is earned not demanded.
(KENYA) I believe women making your man feel special is a BIG part of holding up your home. If you notice, when you treat him very well and mind his feelings, he treats you well too. Don’t forget to pray for him, that he may find fulfillment in your marriage and that you may always appreciate each other. This is a Great article. God richly bless you.
(INDIA) Hi, this is really very helpful because sometimes we tend to miss out on doing this kind of thing, as it is our human tendency. But this type of writing makes us realise what is missing and that’s it!!! We definitely will try to make up most of the negative points whenever it is possible.
God bless all the couples on earth with happiness and satisfaction of being dedicated to each other for their whole life.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Fantastic! I have had so many fights with my hubby of late and I have been asking God to teach me how to love my husband despite all the issues, we disagree on. He is a fantastic man and a loving and caring husband. But growing up with two different backgrounds and ideals has of late started causing big cracks in our relationship. I have searched myself by reading this tips and found out that I am the one with the bigger problems. I need to sort out so much –especially RESPECT.
Well, I thank God for letting me stumble on this cause I need it so much. I must start to work on my attitude and relationship with my husband. I am highly opinionated and can belittle my husband to drive and make a point. But I am so happy to read this. It is an eye opener for me.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married for 1 year and I feel like I was better off single. This is because, I pay our rent & all other utility bills, shop for food and household items, cook and serve and work from an 8.00am to 5.00Pm (sometimes later than that) Mon – Fri & Sat half day. I also support my siblings.
The responsibilities have been overwhelming me so much! I have communicated to my hubby about him helping but all he does is promise to help then go back to his usual routine of not helping. I feel like my hubby is an addition to the list of siblings I was already supporting. Please help. I am beginning to resent him.
(USA) This list is helpful. I am in a rocky marriage but I love him with all my heart when he married me he made a covenant with God to love and respect me “till death do us part”, as did I to him. It is not my Job to make him do that (he will have to answer for that later). It is not his JOB to make me happy but If I can bring some peace to my house and bring Glory to God while making my husband feel loved what is there to lose?
If I lay my happiness in my husbands hands I’m doomed. If I lay my happiness,hopes,cares,dreams wants,needs,and worries in the Lord and simply (as above lists) to obey Gods command to love and respect my husband, I can thrive even though my marriage as a whole is not. And if I continued these practices they can lead to a happier marriage.
(USA) For those who are frustrated by this list or who think that it is unfair to do nice stuff for someone first, you are right. It is unfair. Chances are, if you are angry that someone would even suggest that you do kind things for him, you are probably very hurt. Probably you’ve had needs go unmet, you’ve felt belittled, overtaxed, and betrayed by the very person you want tenderness from. Honestly, I’m very sorry you are in that place. It can seem very dark. If you are broken and hurting, deep down you know that nothing that man can do that will ever be able to fix your feelings. You husband cannot take away that pain.
Beloved, know that there is hope. Jesus has promised that if we come to him and believe that he is able, he will heal our brokenness. Please know, there is a Savior who loves you desperately. He will never leave you or cheat on you or turn against you. He longs to spend time with you and to nurture you until the moment you can be together. I think, at times, the dissatisfaction we experience in our marriages stems from a longing for a Greater Love. Deep down, we as women know there exists and we crave a love that is unconditional, extravagant, and all consuming. Unfortunately our husbands are not equipped for the task. They are not capable of completely meeting our love needs. Good news: Christ is able.
I heard Beth Moore today on Focus on the Family. She mentioned that we are more attractive to our husbands after first having our emotional needs met by Christ. I couldn’t agree more. If my identity is secure in who Jesus says I am, I’m free to lavishly love others in my life.
I’m not writing these things because I live on a puffy pink cloud of unreality, or that I’m a newlywed and I have the luxury of dwelling in that newness of a relationship. I’ve been married for 10 years. We are going through a VERY challenging time in our relationship. He doesn’t even live here right now. I can share these things about the Lord because he has given me a joy and a peace that is irrational. Christ is meeting my needs for tender love in a very dry season of my life. I can testify to the truth of Christ’s unfailing love despite my circumstances.
When my husband returns, and I believe in all faith that he will, someone is going to have to act lovingly. I say, let it be me, for I am already completely loved.
(USA) This list is great! Thanks a bunch. My husband says I don’t respect or show him honor, and that is so not my intentions. I hear all the time "Honor your Husband", but very few actually give examples of how, so this list is a great guide!
(OMAN) You never know men. I do a lot of things to my husband, always sending him love messages, but he could care less about showing his feelings. He loves me but he does not show this at all. Any how, the list will help!
(NIGERIA) Your article is a blessing. I think all women should read it and practice it. it will save a lot of marriages.
(USA) This is great advice if we were Ward and June Cleaver. What happens when he gets off work at 2:30 in the afternoon and I don’t get home until after 7:00 every night …where’s my attention and respect?
(AMERICA) My husband is wonderful, treats me like I am someone special to him. I praise him and compliment him even when I don’t feel like it… it REALLY WORKS! Has it always been this way? No. We have learned from others. We are members of two different "marriage groups" and most of what we discuss is about how to show love and respect to each other. All too often we treat strangers with more respect than we treat our spouses and families!!!
We thank the waitress for refilling our coffee cup, but we don’t thank our spouse for doing something simple for us. Simply saying things like, "thank you", "I appreciate it when…", "your help with …means so much to me"… these all make our spouses feel important and appreciated. Shouldn’t we appreciate our spouses more than we do strangers? It makes sense! Thanks for the wonderful suggestions. For all of you that are nay-sayers… don’t knock it until you try it for a month or longer!
(KENYA) For sure this is a wonderful list despite the fact that we feel we try so hard to please our husbands and no results are forthcoming. We should never give up; after all, you choose that man for yourself. All you can afford to know is that our husbands are our first born children, so love respect and be there for him always. I’m blessed to have the man I choose for myself and will love him all the way. Thank you this list. It has helped me a great deal.
(USA) I have been married for 17 years, I love my husband very much and I fell on this web site while looking for ways to let him know the way I feel. I love the list and couldn’t agree more.
Every time I hear of someone getting a divorce it makes me so sad. It isn’t easy to be married but it is the most worthy of a fight than anything else in the world. Entirely too little effort is given by so many.
My daughter is getting married on the 20th of June and I pray she will be as happy as her dad and I. By the way she is 20. Another reason I love my husband so much, he has been the best stepfather to my children.
If we would all as Christian women show the rest of the world how it is done we could do so much for society. Just love as Christ did without anything in return, and husbands would not be able to resist loving back.
(VIRGINIA) I have done most of the things on the list. I truly love my husband, but still he seems unloving to me. I have prayed for him, because of my love for him. We’ve been married for almost nine years. I now have been giving him to God. I believe when you say your vows you marry him for better or worse. God knows my heart towards my husband and He will make a way. I know I am a good wife to him, so I am doing my part. God will do the rest. I want give up. I trust God. I just want to say, I pray for all marriages and hope that you trust God. He is the answer to everything. God Bless!
(USA) Why not just ask him how you can tell he loves you? He may be doing all sorts of things that he thinks are loving actions towards you, but because they don’t match your love language, or meet your deepest emotional needs, you don’t see it as love.
It really won’t do you any good to say he’s not loving, because he’ll argue he is. That’s why I suggest asking him to explain the ways he expresses his love towards you. I think that is a much better way to open the conversation, than to simply level the assertion that he is unloving.
Also, it’s not a matter of just doing things on the list. Just as he’s probably doing things, but perhaps not the right things, the same can be true for you.
So I’d approach it as learning to see how he does express love, and approach the discussion not from a “we need to talk” which I can almost guarantee you will be interpreted by 99.44% of men as, “We need to talk about what you are doing wrong hubby.”
(CANADA) I really enjoyed this list, although I don’t agree with all the points on it. I am not Catholic so the points such as getting up early to pray with my husband etc. aren’t really applicable to me. But the other points are very applicable, and I want to thank you for posting this. I do the majority of these on a regular basis, but I will be trying out the rest. Thank you very much =)
(USA) Emily, I’m confident God doesn’t care if you are Catholic or not. He’ll listen if you get up early, or stay up late and talk to Him. You don’t have to be anything other than willing to talk to Him. He’ll listen.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband and I seem to have drifted apart. I feel like we have nothing to talk about unless it’s about the kids or what’s on TV, and the only time he gives me his undivided attention is when he wants sex.
What can I do to make our marriage feel like it did in the beginning I don’t want to be the one doing all the butt-kissing and getting nothing in return for it? I am always nice to my hubby and I feel like he takes me for granted. Please help
(NEW ZEALAND) I actually really agree with this list… but only as long as it is shared both by husband AND wife. A lot of the things on this list are about appreciating, respecting and supporting the other person, which is what marriage should be all about. It is not all about the wife doing all the work nor the husband, but is about being each other’s best friends and each others number one fan. I have printed this list so both my husband and I can go through it together to see what is important to each other and see where we can work on things… and no, I am not of any religious affiliation – I just believe that a marriage needs to be worked at before problems arise, not only after the boat has sailed.
(INDIA) This list is no doubt very helpful. As a wife I think I can see where I’m going all wrong. But my problem is different. I came into my marriage with many of the same ideas to treat my husband, but somehow after marriage the loving and doting boyfriend completely vanished and bit by bit, I started withdrawing more and more unknowingly sometimes. Today two years later I read this list and cried- it seems like such a pile of shattered dreams… I’m become feelingless and I don’t know if I love him anymore or if I even will ever love anyone anymore.
There is a list of things to do for your wife too… read that too… but I know even if he reads it, much as he loves me, he will say it’s a load of rubbish and that’s it.
But for all those who are still hopeful and happy even… I wish you the best and God Bless… Life is blessed for those who have found true companionship and love in their partner.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I thank GOD for you. I am not yet married and this helps me a lot in preparing for when I get married. Your site is so helpful. There was one time where I felt that I am tired of being single; I am going to start dating no matter what the word of GOD says about adultery. When I went to this site and saw how dangerous it is to have sex before marriage, I started changing my mind. Now I am going to wait until I get married, thanks to you.
(USA) I think this list IS amazing. Sorry, my husband is truly my best friend and if I can find creative ways that show him how much I love him then I am open to learning. I reminds me of the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. EXCELLENT read!
I found that the best way to show my husband love was with the language he “speaks” love and visa versa. Also, I created a blog site, http://www.dailyprayerchallenge.com that brings wives together to pray daily for their husbands. It hits on a lot of these types of suggestions. We are looking to improve our marriages, to strengthen them, to NOT be a divorce statistic, so why wouldn’t we be open to ideas? Trust me, I was stubborn and unteachable with my first marriage, it was women rule, men drool and look where it got me. Never again! Great list and thank you so much for sharing!
(USA) I have been married for 10 years and just had my fourth child. Sometimes we get so busy surviving we forget what helped us get married. This is a great reminder of sweet things to do because you love your husband. After all that’s why we got married.
(USA) Thank You for this list. I just read the book: The Five Love Languages and after doing so I figured out my husbands love lauguage is Words of Affirmation. I was looking for compliments I could give my husband on a daily basis actually, but your info is also helpful. This last weekend was one of the best weekends I have had with my husband in a long time. My goal from now on is to give a different compliment each day to him.
One day out of the blue I told him that he was a very hard worker. It was cute because he said you are too, and I haven’t even been working for 2 months at my job. Sometimes it is hard to come up with compliments when a marriage is having some problems like ours is having at this time, but instead of focusing on all the negative that has been going on in our marriage the last 2 years, I let go of it all and everyday I say out loud “Thank you for the healing for our marriage” over and over. It has helped me to feel better about myself and lose weight. Now it’s time to pray for the healing of our marriage, now that I worked on myself. Just by the few positive things I say to my husband on a daily basis, it has made a lot of difference. He has definitely given me more attention than he has in some time. GOD BLESS
(NIGERIA) Great Job. I must say your write-up is really encouraging and I know if I take it to heart, my marriage would be a wao experience. It’s just that most often women react faster than they think but with this, I am going to do the extras from now on. Cheers.
(UNITED STATES) Thank you for this list. I’ve been married almost two years now. Last night I almost walked out on my husband with our little two year old daughter, due to the really bad arguement we had. I didn’t want to talk, and he became angrier with me, and scared me into apologizing. I felt humiliated and hurt.
I cried the whole night, and a little bit today. I am not completly healed over that. He did apologize to me today. I should’ve apologized to him in the first place. It is evident that we do not know how to treat each other, so I am looking forward to learning how to show my husband that I do care and love him.
(SCANDINAVIA) These are fabulous and I love them. I’ve tried to do a lot of this to my fiance already, but this will advise me more. I’ve studied these many times now and will do more. How do I get my fiance interested in reading the 100 Ways You Can Love Your Wife HER Way? I tried to tell him how a wonderful website I found and sent him a copy to his email a few weeks ago and he hasn’t shown any interest, which has made me feel a bit low.
(USA) Hi Satu, It’s difficult to MAKE someone do nice things for you and show love to you in ways that you best receive it unless they realize the importance. It’s just not sustainable. And it IS important — the growth and stability of the marriage.
Here’s something that marriage expert Dr John Gottman (who has found a way to predict with 90 per cent accuracy whether a marriage will last) says about marriage predictability:
“The issue isn’t whether you fight, it’s how you fight and HOW RICH YOUR STOCKPILE OF GOOD FEELINGS is about each other to weather difficulties and keep your basic attitude toward your partner positive. At the heart of my research is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship—a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. A couple that keeps their friendship strong despite the inevitable disagreements and irritations of married life experiences what I call ‘positive sentiment over-ride’ — their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings,” He tells us. “It takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple.”
It comes down to the importance of knowing that couples NEED to stockpile good feelings towards each other so romancing and doing loving things for each other helps keep their love alive to get through the tough times together. Without doing that, it’s difficult to sustain having even a mediocre type of marriage.
The fact that your fiancé is already showing that he isn’t interested in stepping beyond his own comfort zone to do things that best shows love to you (especially when you specifically ask) is something I’d be concerned about. It indicates that this kind of thing isn’t important to him and gives you a glimpse into what you can expect after you marry. It’s an indication that he will receive loving gestures from you, but he won’t go out of his way to romance you as well. And that can chink away at you after a while.
If you’re one who longs to have little gestures of love shown to you at various times, then you’ll live with many hurts and feeling “low” over this matter for all of your lives together.
You may give your fiancé the benefit of the doubt because some men aren’t very romantic and need help with this type of thing. But if they aren’t even willing to stretch beyond their comfort zone to do this at all and be willing to do this for the rest of your lives together –ESPECIALLY when you make it easier by providing a list, I’d be concerned.
At this point, you have to decide if this is what you can live with day in and day out for the rest of your life. I sure wouldn’t want to– little gestures of love are important to me. But maybe you can. If so, then you’re marrying the right man. If not… consider the future of being married to him. Most likely he will be more caught up in approaching married life as a receiver rather than a giver AND a receiver.
I encourage you to get him to go with you into the “Marriage Preparation Materials” section (and other pre-marriage sections) to honestly discuss together the questions and read and discuss the issues brought up so you both have a better idea of what you’ll both be living with if you decide to marry. If he doesn’t want to do this, then I’d be VERY skeptical about marrying him, because it wouldn’t seem that he views marriage as a partnership, but rather as a “you put up with how I am, and the way I want to do things, and if you don’t like it, that’s too bad for you.” It becomes a marriage of “convenience” — “what is ‘convenient’ to me is fine… but don’t ask more from me than that.”
NOW is the time to decide if you’ll be good marriage partners together. You may just be good together on a temporary basis, but not over the long term. Now is the time to try to work out all the issues you can (some will have to be worked out after marriage, but do what you can now)– and this type of issue is one of them.
I wouldn’t marry unless I knew that my future husband valued me as the Bible talks about in Ephesians 5 “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and CARES for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body.” Please prayerfully consider what I’ve written. It could save you years of future heart-aches.
(UNITED STATES) Loving my husband is very easy for one main reason – we both love GOD first. Every day is not perfect but with GOD in our lives it makes marriage a lot easier. GOD has to be first in any and everything. GOD is the answer; and if we both were not saved we would disagree on a lot of things.
(US) This site was so helpful and eye opening! I found myself always putting the blame on my husband for our marital problems. Always assuming there was something he needed to change to make things run a little smoother. After reading this it was almost like a slap in the face. there are so many things on this list that I do… or don’t do for that matter that could have made a HUGE improvement in our relationship a long time ago. I now realize there are some things that need to change on my end as well as his. So now by applying this to my day-to-day, I’m on a path a to a better stronger relationship with him through Christ. – Now my journey begins!