(Author Unknown)
Discuss this list with your husband. Ask him to check the ones most meaningful to him and then arrange them in order of importance to him. Use this list as a basis for learning his views. Your relationship can be greatly strengthened as you use these suggestions.
1. Respectfully communicate with him.
2. Let him know he’s important to you.
3. Purposefully try to understand his feelings—even when you disagree with him.
4. Show interest in his friends giving him some time with them if they’re trust-worthy.
5. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. (Dave Ramsey)
6. Tell him you both love him AND like him.
7. Either show interest in his hobbies or allow him space to participate freely. (Dave Ramsey)
8. Protect his dignity on a daily basis.
9. Be tender with him realizing he has feelings also.
10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.
11. Try not to make sudden major changes without discussion and giving him time to adjust.
12. When you go out on a date together don’t bring up problems—have fun instead.
13. Focus on what he’s doing right, instead of focusing so often on the negatives.
14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life.
15. Give him special time with you apart from the children.
16. Recognize that the first few minutes after a spouse comes home often sets the stage for how the rest of the evening will go. So try to make the first few minutes a positive experience. (And then ease into the negative if it’s necessary.)
17. Give him half an hour to unwind after he gets home from work. Your evenings will be much more enjoyable. (Dave Ramsey)
18. Don’t allow any family member to treat him disrespectfully. Be the one to defend him to any family member that dishonors his place as your husband.
19. Compliment him often.
20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
21. Talk with him about having specific family goals for each year to work on to achieve together so you will both feel closer to each other as a marital team.
22. Don’t over commit yourself. Leave time for him.
23. Extend God’s grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.
24. Find ways to show him you need him.
25. Give him time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect at other times.)
26. Admit your mistakes; don’t be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.
27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talk about him. Remember that love protects (1 Corinthians 13:7).
28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.
29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.
30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk calmly (schedule it when necessary).
31. Initiate going out on romantic outings (when he’s not tired).
32. Email him when he’s at work, telling him how much you love him.
33. Surprise him with a fun gift of some kind that he’d really enjoy.
34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.
35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is (giving him specific reasons).
36. Give advice in a loving way — not in a nagging or belittling way.
37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head at home (without “lording” it over him).
38. Reserve some energy for him so you’re not so tired when he wants you sexually.
39. Don’t expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities.
40. Pray for him to enjoy God’s best in life.
41. Take special notice for what he has done for you and the family.
42. Brag about him to other people both in front of him and even when he’s not there.
43. Share your feelings with him at appropriate times (but keep it brief when he’s tired—sometimes men can feel “flooded” by too many words).
44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.
45. Honor him in front of the children (differ respectfully in private when necessary).
46. Give him time to unwind for a little while after he comes home from work. Arrange ahead of time to take your “time out”, giving him a few minutes with the children.
47. Get up with him, even when he gets up earlier than you want to and pray with him. (Hopefully you can go back to sleep afterwards. If not, it’s a sacrifice worth making.)
48. Be his “help-mate” in whatever ways you sense he needs it.
49. Do some shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him (like watching a movie or taking a drive together) without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.
50. Be a student of his ways so you show your love in ways he best comprehends it.
51. When your husband is in a bad mood give him time to recover. Don’t crowd him.
52. Help him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education when your see he needs it.
53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead: “Handle With Care.”
54. Work to get rid of habits that annoy him.
55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don’t make him choose between you.
56. Don’t compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank him for things he’s done around the house. (It means a lot to men).
58. Don’t expect credit for all you do for him. Do it as “unto the Lord.”
59. Make sure he agrees with everything important that you’re planning to do.
60. Do little things for him— let him sleep in, bring him coffee and/or breakfast in bed, etc.
61. Don’t belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.
62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.
63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to “work” at home.
64. Get to the point in your discussions. Spare him details unless he wants them.
65. Discover his sexual needs.
66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.
67. Wink at him from across the room when you’re out at a group function.
68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks.
69. Don’t quarrel over words.
70. Be kind and courteous with him. (Don’t be kinder to strangers than to him.)
71. When things go wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.
72. As a kindness, don’t say, “I told you so.”
73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.
75. Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.
76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones.
77. Tell him you love him more often.
78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case.
79. Sit with him while he’s watching TV—even if the program doesn’t interest you.
80. Don’t expect him to read your mind. (Family’s are spared grief when a husband isn’t required to read their wife’s mind despite the fact that the wife thinks he should.)
81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.
82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff. (He may view them as more important than you realize.)
83. Work to keep yourself in shape in every way.
84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words. Remember to “speak the truth in LOVE.”
86. Don’t criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.
87. Visit his childhood home with him.
88. When you’re angry, express it in respectful ways. Don’t give the silent treatment.
89. Pray for him.
90. Make him homemade soup when he’s sick.
91. Look your best—dress to honor him and make him proud to be seen with you.
92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.
93. Don’t disagree with him in front of the children.
94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.
95. Cheer his successes whether in business or in other areas of everyday living.
96. Graciously teach him how to demonstrate his love for you.
97. Give him coupons to redeem—maybe for a back scratch or a shoulder rub.
98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.
100. Thank him for just being himself.
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(USA) Every husband I know would put this at the top of the list: Enjoy passionate sex with him often. If he would like to have sex four times a week, you will show the most love for him by figuring out a way to have at least that many sexual encounters with him each week. You cannot just do this by determination if your desire level is lower. But there are plenty of books that can help.
So if you want to show love for your husband, become the lover of his dreams. Dress up, try new things, pursue him and show him your desire. God created sex for marriage. Celebrate your marriage sexually with your husband and never abuse sex as a method for control or punishment.
(US) I must agree with Kari. This list is a step in the wrong direction. Men are bored after they have been married for a bit and the female is not in charge of keeping his attention. He should want and desire the relationship or say farewell. Marriage is about compromise and equality. Unfortunately, not all men understand this.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Because I want to shower my wife with similiar affections, I was able to find a counterpart list with ease. Many of us men understand that marriage is not a one way street and that marriage is a constant maintenance issue.
As my stepdad taught me – my old pickup is not going to keep running well unless I take care of it. My house will not stand unless I continue the necessary repairs. Some of the repairs may have been caused by direct damage done by me. Others will have been caused by external factors or third parties. And, sometimes it is nice to wash the truck or paint the house just so that they look nice and other know that you appreciate them. I think what I am trying to say is obvious to marriage.
Ladies and Gents here is the other list – http://www.marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-wife-her-way/
Some of the ladies express discontent with the love-your-husband-his-way list for whatever reason. It’s not my place to determine why. But my question is – would you be upset or hurt if men balked at the love-your-wife-her-way list? Especially if they didn’t at least try some of the things on the list?
One last final note – It is a lot easier to love and respect a person who loves and respects me.
(BOTSWANA) I totally agree with Mary. Men, seem to get bored a few minutes after their marriage. It is like they’re always looking out for a new event. He has impressed you, married you and supposedly made you happy. That is it! Mission accomplished. Now, he must move on.
(USA) I both agree with what Kari and Mary and Mbali have said, but I also agree with points that Richard made as well. Keep in mind what this list is supposed to achieve. It’s a list that is supposed to help you demonstrate love to your husband in ways that makes him feel valued — not all of it will apply. There is another list for husbands to use to show a wife love in ways that she feels valued. There is no requirement to use this list. It’s just something to help you for added insights.
Sometimes we just aren’t gifted in thinking up ways to show our spouse how much we love and appreciate them. Also, not everyone perceives acts of love in the same way. (The book, “The 5 Love Languages” is a great one to explain this better than I can.)
I came to understand this later in our marriage. Something that really means a lot to me is “Acts of Service.” Some women like receiving flowers from their husband. When their husband gives them roses or flowers, they feel VERY loved. I don’t. Flowers die. And while I appreciate flowers in the yard, receiving them seems like a waste of money to me for something that dies so quickly.
My husband used to bring them home to me and would think I’d feel especially loved because of it. I felt loved because of the gesture, but it didn’t really hold the same meaning for me as it would other women who would receive them from their husbands. But if my husband would do the dishes or fill my car with gas or wash my car or do something physically to relieve my work load, I’d be ecstatic and would feel very loved. I’d feel inside that he noticed how tired I was and valued me enough to do something to relieve the pressure I felt. It registered high on my love scale. Flowers and gifts are nice, but DOING something for me is more meaningful. It’s just the way I’m wired. Other women are wired differently.
On the other hand, I used to think that my husband Steve would feel the same way as I did when it came to my doing things for him. So I used to go out of my way to do extra little things for him and thought it would have the same meaning for him as it would me.
While he DID appreciate it, it didn’t hold the same meaning. And that would perplex me. But if I scratch his back or spend quality time with him or go out of my way to romance him and am intimate with him, he feels ESPECIALLY valued and loved. It’s the way he’s wired. I may not understand it, but that’s not the point. A true gift of love is one where you get behind their eyes and in their head and figure out what means the most to THEM — not you.
After reading and comprehending the concepts contained in the book “The 5 Love Languages” it has revolutionized the way we see all of this. I highly recommend the book.
Also, I can understand the points that Kari and Mary and Mbali have made. I’ve been praying about my response (and also if I should make a response). I feel I need to. Yes, I agree that many men… and might even say that a majority of men (although not all), have a “hunt and conquer” mind-set. They find themselves attracted to women, and then find that woman that they feel especially close to and fall in love with, and then they marry her. But after they marry and the bio-chemicals (and other factors) kick into another gear, they focus their attention on other areas of life, like a career or just maintaining a living wage, etc. And once that happens, they can neglect to keep speaking their wife’s love language like they did before they married them.
In all fairness, a lot (and even most) women tend to do the same thing in a different way– their main focus of attention goes to the children, rather than things outside of the home. And we can argue that children are needy and need more attention — which is true, but sometimes we give them more attention than we should (and yet we find ways to justify it, just like husbands find ways to justify their actions).
And we can also argue that if the husband helped more (after-all, it’s their children too), they’d have more energy in reserve — which is also true. But there are arguments that can be made by the men on that as well. My husband and I have dealt with those arguments in the past and when I REALLY looked at the whole picture, I’ve had to make compromises, and so has he (when he looked at the whole picture in truth as well). That’s what marriage is… a lot of compromising and working through issues in partnership.
Whatever the case, both men and women see things from different lenses and different angles. What I’ve learned is that we’re wired differently. And different isn’t usually “wrong” — it’s just different. (We have a whole section on “Gender Differences” that can help us to better comprehend some of the complexities involved that you might want to read through.)
Women SEEM to be more relationally wired (there are exceptions to this) where men SEEM to be more challenge and conquer oriented (there are exceptions to this as well). That doesn’t mean that men can’t step up and be relational because they can… but usually it’s for a shorter time (with a goal in sight) and it doesn’t mean that women can’t be conquerors of challenges — because they do this a lot, but it’s usually with relationship goals in sight because of the way they seem to be wired by God, our Creator.
And within all of this in the mix, there are men as well as women who are narcissistic, and some who have mental illnesses and personality disorders they are engulfed in, and others who are addicted to thrill-seeking of some type (to drugs, alcohol, sex, and/or gambling, or for ways to receive new “highs”). Some have addictive personalities where they have weaknesses that they need to fight for the rest of their lives and others will fall into addiction because of boredom or giving into a periodic lack of better judgment, or whatever. But I believe that MOST men and women basically want and can do what is good for a marriage. It’s just that they lose sight or don’t know what it takes to make that happen.
Author David Viscott wrote, “Relationships seldom die because they suddenly have no life left in them. They wither slowly, either because people do not understand how much or what kind of upkeep, time, work, love, and caring they require or because people are too lazy or afraid to try.” I agree. I believe that God wired us to be in community together — especially for marriage (with some for singleness apart from marriage). What one person lacks the other can step up and help them with; and what they lack, the other can help. What they both lack, they can learn; and what they both can do well, they can learn how to make that work for the better of the relationship as well. It’s give and take and the art of learning how much and when to do what.
The scriptures talk about how the one who is stronger can and should help the weaker, when it is possible. It also talks about how the body is created and not everyone is an “ear” or a “mouth” or an “eye” — we all have different creativeness and when we work together, we can make the best of what God has given to us.
I’ve also learned that marriage is a partnership that takes a lot of skill in learning each other, as well as learning what God intends for us, and learning how to make our marriages work. It’s not a “natural” process. Left to our own ways, we will have a tendency to be self-centered and won’t do what we should (see: Romans 7:15-25).
I also agree with Mark Gungor in his book “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” where he says “The thing that makes marriage wonderful is WORK. But we need more than work; we need SKILL. Just because we are willing to work for a great marriage does not mean we have the skills to actually pull one off. Those skills take time and knowledge. The longer we wait to learn those skills, the more we are apt to tumble from one painful relationship to another — each one building a case on the past one, convincing us we will NEVER be able to be happy with the spouse we are with.”
I also agree with something else he said to women (since I’m addressing mostly women who have expressed discontent here — and understandably so — I’ve been there and have done that myself). Mark Gungor also wrote in his book, concerning working on relationship issues when a man seems clueless or doesn’t seem interested: “Men don’t mind talking about specific issues. What they hate is when one issue leads to another and then another and then another…”
Ladies, “keep in mind that men DON’T LIKE working on relationships. A guy will assume, that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Men think that the best possible thing one can do for a relationship is to leave it alone. To a guy, the idea of reading a book on relationships rates right up there with root canals and rectal exams.
“Women, on the other hand, LIKE to work on their relationships (or are at least more willing). A woman enjoys tilling the relational gardens of her life — planting, fertilizing, weeding, pruning — all the while cherishing each and every improvement she sees, as her relational ‘garden’ grows and thrives.” And from what I see, this seems to be true of most women — there are always exceptions — I get that, and Mark Gungor gets that. But generally, this seems to be true. There’s more that you might benefit from reading on all of this that you could gain by reading Mark Gungor’s book “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage.” I obviously can’t give you as extensive insight in this comment section as reading the book can give you.
But what I’ve personally learned is that to have a good marriage, you have to become students of each other and what it takes to make your marriage the best it can be. Every relationships contain different dynamics. And with some, one partner can be either “relationship-challenged”, “relationship naive” and/or “relationship lazy” for a period of time or longer. When that comes into play, I believe the other then needs to pray and ask God FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO OBTAIN WISDOM ON THE MATTER. And then it takes persevering in doing what God shows you, to be the marriage partner who goes the “extra mile.”
For us, I’ve learned that I’m more relationship-oriented and perceptive. It’s my natural bent, and it isn’t Steve’s. He’s MUCH better at this than he was before and at times even goes far beyond what I do (now that we’ve been married for so many years and have been learning together). But there have been times when he’s dug his heals in and I’ve had to go to the Lord to figure out how to move our relationship forward so we BOTH feel our needs are being met by each other and/or by the Lord.
I used to complain about it and have felt sorry for myself, but I’ve learned that this is where partnership comes in. Where one lacks, the other picks up the slack. And what’s the huge deal if I’m usually the initiator on this area of our marriage? I’ve got a GREAT husband and eventually, my needs and wants are more than met. If it takes being the initiator for the rest of our lives together, I’ll take that ANYTIME over clinging to what I think might be “right” and having the initiating come equally from both of us. Steve does other things that I lack and he doesn’t usually complain. And if he does, I find ways to respectfully remind him that we each do things that contribute to the betterment of our marriage. It all works out in the end.
What do you do if a marriage partner won’t do their part in showing love to you? That’s something you need to pray about, and KEEP in prayer. It’s different for everyone. As humans, we put a time limit on things. If we lack wisdom, keep asking. God has a bigger plan. He may be trying to get us to exercise our “persevering” muscle, so to speak. Or it may be that there are other things involved and God will show you that at the right time.
Keep persevering and praying. We have a lot of articles on our web site that you may want to read to help you in all of this. God will show you if the advice is for you or not or by reading some of this, the Holy Spirit may spark another idea or give you a different insight to consider. Don’t limit what He can do through one partner who is willing to be fully open to doing what God leads.
I apologize for the lengthy answer. I pray all of this helps.
(KENYA) I have been practicing most of these things and they really work. My husband even tells me he finds nothing that he needs me to change or improve in the way I treat him or the way I run they family. I thank God for such a wonderful man in my life. I encourage all the ladies to practice them and see how their men will tremendously improve. But as you do this don’t expect him to do the same in return so soon. Also, don’t even tell him that you are practicing them. Let his see your actions.
(NIGERIA) Your write up is quit interesting. I read it with my wife and we find it helpful. Keep it up.
(NIGERIA) This is is quit interesting, i have been looking for such tools that will help me cherish my Husband the more, i found this site helpful, it helps me to restore my love, how a good woman should run her homes and even make my family life happy, this has help me to become a good wife.
Ladies putting this into practice as i ve will safeguide your home.
(USA) I’m so glad I found this list. I just hope I didn’t find it too late.
(PHILIPPINES) Thank you for this post and the HER way post. After being married for over 23 years, it’s nice to read about 1) a lot of familiar things I/my husband have done in the past – and 2) new ways (which you have shared) — to show love to each other. I must have been led to this website just-in-time for Valentine’s day. This is a comprehensive list worth sharing with family and friends. Thank you and God bless! http://www.amomandmore.com