If you have ever wondered whether or not your close opposite-sex friendship poses a potential threat to your marriage take a few moments to answer the questions below. Read each question and then quickly and honestly record the first answer that comes to mind.
1. Is your spouse unaware of your opposite-sex friendship? __Yes __No
2. Would you ever behave differently around your friend if your spouse were present? __Yes __No
3. Would you feel uncomfortable if your spouse had the same quality of friendship with someone of the opposite sex? __Yes __No
4. Do you prefer to spend time alone with your opposite-sex friend rather than in a group setting? __Yes __No
5. Are you physically and/or emotionally attracted to your friend? __Yes __No
6. Is your friend someone you would consider dating if you were single? __Yes __No
7. Have you ever entertained romantic fantasies about your friend? __Yes __No
8. Do you ever compare your spouse to your friend? __Yes __No
9. Do you think about sharing important news with your friend before your spouse? __Yes __No
10. Do you and your friend ever exchange highly personal details about your lives or complain about your marriages to each other? __Yes __No
11. Do you often reference or talk about your friend with others? __Yes __No
12. Has your spouse ever expressed concern about your friendship? __Yes __No
13. Is your relationship with your friend ever a source of tension or conflict between you and your spouse? __Yes __No
14. Have you ever ignored or minimized your spouse’s requests to end or modify the relationship with your friend? __Yes __No
15. Have you ever deceived or misled your spouse about matters concerning your friendship? __Yes __No
16. Has anyone other than your spouse ever cautioned you about your opposite-sex friendship? __Yes __No
17. Do you do things with your friend that your spouse is unwilling or uninterested in doing? __Yes __No
18. Does your friend fulfill needs that you wish your spouse would meet? __Yes __No
19. Do you have unexpressed or unresolved anger toward your spouse? __Yes __No
20. Does your marriage lack intimacy? __Yes __No
If you answered, “yes” to one or more of the questions above, your opposite-sex friendship poses a real threat to the quality of your marriage. It may be in the best interest of your marriage to either significantly limit or actually end your close friendship. Be completely honest with yourself and your spouse and pray that God will give you the wisdom, discernment and courage to do what is best!
It is possible for married people to have healthy opposite-sex friendships. However, special consideration must be given to a number of factors that, if ignored, can potentially serve to threaten your marriage and seriously compromise your relationship with God. If you desire to make or keep your marriage strong, here are some tips for managing opposite-sex friendships in your life.
• Make your relationship with Jesus Christ your number one priority in life.
• Develop and consistently nurture a “best friend” relationship with your spouse.
• Develop and consistently nurture close same-sex friendships.
• Make sure your spouse knows your friend and is completely comfortable with the type and level of interaction you have with them.
• Honor your spouse’s wishes concerning your friendship—even if it means ending it.
• Avoid establishing close friendships with opposite sex singles.
• Avoid close opposite-sex friendships if you are struggling in your marriage relationship.
• Address unmet needs and unresolved anger in your marriage in an open, honest and timely fashion.
• Demonstrate a God-honoring character in all your relationships.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy— think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)
My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. (Proverbs 3:21-23)
The above questionnaire was written by Dr Todd Linaman. This document was used by permission from:
Family Life Communications Incorporated
PO Box 35300
Tucson, Arizona 85740
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(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband has a friend who is of the opposite sex and I am really not comfortable with it. They work together with the lady (who has a child) and after the first time she met me she stopped speaking to my husband for 3 months. She’s recently made a come back and she wants to tag along with us to functions. My husband does not seem to have problems with this whole setup and said that I should not make a big deal about it! She’s just worming her way in and I don’t want to be a friend to a person who does not respect our marriage.
My only concern is I don’t know how to react and to approach it because we had made an agreement that we won’t have single opposite sex friends.
(NIGERIA) My husband has always enjoyed keeping friends with the opposite sex even before we got married and each time I raise a concern he gets annoyed and tells me they are all just friends. In recent years he has been keeping very close friendships with some ladies in his office. The first one was about 5 years ago with a single lady who he picks up in the morning to work and drops off in the evening every day.
Sometimes I drive past them on my way to work or back and the lady usually just ignores me. When I raised the issue of the friendship with my husband he simply said the lady’s father used to work with him and he was only being nice to her, also that she is a Christian and I should not be worried. But I was always worried all the same. Eventually he mentioned one day that the lady was getting married and I think my mind was at rest. Also we packed from the area where the lady was leaving and I stopped seeing her.
Recently, I can guess that my husband is involved with another lady in his office again. Though I have not had the opportunity to meet this lady, they call each other regularly over the weekend and some of the discussions I hear are what I believe concerns our family and I wonder why he would be discussing this with just a colleague. My children have met the lady in question (when he took them for a beach party arranged by his office) and I learned she has a small boy, though I guess she might be a single mother.
I have accused my husband on the relationship and how he has time to take the lady and her son out while not having time for me and the children but he turned this into an argument. We did not talk for days and since then I have not raised the issue again even though I know they are still quite close.
I am most concerned about this relationship because our marriage has been going through a difficult period in the last few years and I really do not know what to do. From listening to their conversation, he feels very comfortable with this lady as they can talk for a long time (he claims it is a free office line). Presently we both are not too comfortable in each other’s presence; on his own part I guess because he has a lot to hide and on my own, I guess I feel hurt and also I want to avoid major disagreement as this has been the pattern in our relationship.
(CANADA) What a horrible article. I believe that opposite sex friends should end immediately after marriage if not after engagement. This does not mean you cannot work in the same office or talk to opposite sex at church or meeting. I simply think that it cannot/should not be done. There are WAY too many ifs ands or buts that can happen and do happen.
Are there people who have purely platonic friendships of opposite sex? Yes. I see this as a potential for disastor. Can people drive ok with a couple of drinks? Yes, but why do it, and it’s even legal to a certain % of alcohol, but it’s proven that one drink can decrease your alertness and reactions. Why allow or take the chance? When trying to grow a healthy marriage why put anything in the way that could make someone stumble? I don’t see the point. People read here to get opinions and advice. You will have a man or woman who is in turmoil over their spouse having a friend of opposite sex come here or their spouse will come here and they’ll say, “hey, see, it’s ok.”
You’re doing no one justice by making it ok, and then recanting by saying, “unless you and your spouse don’t agree on it.” It is or it isn’t ok! That is very wishy washy and “relative to the marriage” crap that needs to be relegated to the secular society, not Christians who know temptation exists and can even happen to them.
(UK) Hi everyone… Jeff I can understand what your saying but I really have to say I do disagree with what you have said. I do not think that there is anything wrong having opposite sex friendships before, during and after marriage but as a married person you have to give yourself the boundaries and change your state of mind from a single person to a married person.
My husband’s best friend of 17 years was a female and actually she was his very first girlfriend, so they had a lot of history. When we were married he chose her to his best person which I didn’t mind at all because by the time we were married I had built up a good friendship with, never did I feel that she was a temptation for him or that he would stray with her or anyone else for that matter.
Their friendship truly was platonic; she was actually more like a sister to him, I believe that we have to become safe and secure un our relationships, through communication and more importantly through prayer and keeping Jesus as the focus of marriages.
Marriage does not mean the end of any friendships we had before that, I think what we should do is unite with those friendships, from the beginning my husband has known all my friends, and my friends are now his friends, vice versa too. I have always had more male friends than female friends, and my husband has actually had more female friends than male friends, it’s just how we always were.
What we had to ensure was at no point during our relationship either of us ever felt threatened by any of our friendships, for us it was never an issue and if it had been I know that he would ofcourse be my priority.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that opposite sex relationships can be an issue for people but I don’t think saying that your not allowed to have male friends or female friends is a way to deal with that issue if it affects you. If my husband said to me he felt threatened by a friendship I had with a guy I would want to know what has caused him to feel that way, if ending that friendship was necessary then I would do it, but I don’t think that would solve what issues we obviously had.
And I really don’t think you can compare relationships, marriages and people’s lives with alcohol. Christian marriage isn’t action a dictatorship, ‘you must not do this and that’, it’s about building a loving, safe, secure and most importantly trust worthy relationships with Jesus at the centre. I want my husband to know that I love, support and trust his actions, he comes first and I come first with him.
Marriage is not a regime, as humans we are all faced with with temptatiom, as christians we draw on the strength of christ and the holy spirit to help us fight temptation because with christ nothing can touch us.
If you’re tempted by opposite sex friendships then there is a far deeper issue which you need to discover and deal with, because if not then you will not get to the route to the problem. Through Christ there is a solution for everything, and if he is the centre of your marriage then you have great foundations in place. Marriage is not easy at the best of times, but when you start with dictations and ultimatums then i think your asking for trouble.
I do not, and will never restrict my husband to having only males friends, to me that’s just rediculas, his not my son, his my life long partner, we share evrything, I know that he will always put my needs and feelings first, just as I will always put his needs and feelings first.
People who come here are looking for help through people’s testimonies and opinions. These articles are people’s opinions, you take it as you want, the best place to go for help is his Word, the Holy Bible, and by putting all our worries and troubles by the foot of the cross, because Jesus will never fail us, even when people do.
I have found this site so helpful since I first came here 14 months ago, but I don’t take everything written as gospel truth, but a sourse of help. The only gospel truth is the Bible.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I think the questions here speak for themselves. They revolve mainly around whether your spouse feels comfortable with your relationships with opposite sex friends and whether you are honest about these friendships with your spouse. There are the sort of people who can handle their spouses having opposite sex friendships and there are people who can’t. We are not all the same, so if you feel comfortable with it, then good for you but the rule should not and does not apply to everyone.
The problem starts when you don’t respect your spouse’s wishes when they say they are not comfortable. When you feel like you should hide these friendships, that’s a problem because then they are then not purely platonic relationships. There is definely something wrong when you cannot aknowledge these friendships with your spouse. And there is something even worse when you are confronted by your spouse and you simply refuse to give these up when asked. That means they take priority over the relationship you vowed before God to be abpve all others. This is the problem and where distrust starts in a relationship. And trust me, it is not easy to fix as I found, it only goes downhill from there.
Bottom line is your spouse should be your number one priority and if you cannot give up these relationships for them, then I don’t know what you’re looking for, but it is not a peaceful, loving and trusting marriage. You will eventually reap what you sow into a marriage or any other relationship, so just make sure you sow the right seeds.