To seriously date or to consider marrying a non-Christian is outside the will of God. In 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, Paul says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers, for what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?”
The verb “bound together” literally means “unequally yoked.” Paul is recalling the Old Testament command in Deuteronomy 22:10, “You shall not plow with an ox and a donkey together.”
God forbade yoking together beasts of such diverse sizes and strengths because the excessive chafing of the yoke would injure both animals. In the same way, Paul says that a binding relationship between a Christian and a non-Christian will be mutually injurous because they are so essentially different.
Of course, some marriages eventually become centered around God when the non-believing spouse later comes to Christ. However, for every instance where an unequally yoked marriage recovers in this way, there are a dozen tragedies. When a true Christian marries a non-Christian, there is almost certainly great suffering ahead. Christians who violate God’s will in this way have based their marriage relationships around something or someone other than Christ. They have compromised their relationship with God.
We can be thankful that God will not reject us for such lapses in judgment. But He has never promised to preserve us from pain when we defy His will. Besides the pain we will likely bear from such a decision, compromising our faith suggests that Jesus Christ is not the most important Person in our life. This will hardly increase respect for our faith.
More importantly, there is no reason to believe that a non-Christian (or a “Christian” who is uninterested in the things of God) will change after marriage. The record shows that this rarely happens, and the Bible pointedly reminds us that God gives us no such assurance. Paul asks of mixed partners in 1 Corinthians 7:16,” …how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” Remember, we are free to choose whom we marry, but we are also responsible for the possible lifelong consequences.
How easily we can say, “I’m ready to accept that responsibility,” until we experience the painful results of ignoring God’s will! Often an unequally yoked person returns to follow God closely years later and faces stiff opposition from a non-Christian spouse. Even worse, unequally yoked believers may permanently compromise their commitment to Christ in order to keep peace in the home. Children also invariably suffer in such marriages.
Considering the clear biblical teaching against marrying non-Christians, Christians need to be honest with themselves when they consider entering, or continuing, a romantic relationship of this sort. Embarking on such a relationship, they are really denying that God knows best how to bring fulfillment into their lives, and that he is committed to their good. (See Matthew 7:11 and Deuteronomy 10:13.) Such a denial constitutes a betrayal of what we say we believe about God: that he is our wise and loving heavenly Father who always seeks our good.
Before going ahead, ask yourself: What evidence can you find that God has ever been wrong or unloving in His dealings with you? When have you ever regretted, in any lasting way, following God’s will? Why would this issue be any different?
No matter how “right” a relationship feels, God’s will concerning seriously dating or marrying a non-Christian will not change. If you find yourself drawn toward such a situation, resolve now to obey God despite the cost. Any delay only makes the decision harder. Even though you may feel terrible pain for a while, you will look back later and realize this decision was one of the best you ever made.
We have never met a Christian who wishes he or she had gone ahead into marriage with their non-Christian dating partner. But we have met scores of miserable Christians who would do anything if they could go back and change their decision to marry a non-Christian or a disinterested Christian. Seek out an older Christian for advice and support as you trust God. You’ll be thankful sooner than you think!
The above article comes from the book, The Myth of Romance written by Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, published by Bethany House Publishers. Unfortunately, this book is no longer in print so you may have a difficult time locating it.
What is especially unfortunate about this is that they have even more information in this book that could help those who are contemplating marriages as well as those who are married. So, if you’re able to find a copy of this book somewhere we recommend that you get it.
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8 comments so far ↓
1 Desiree // Jul 5, 2008 at 9:53 pm
(UNITED STATES) I married my husband thinking that he was saved and interested in doing the things of God. We went to church together before we got married and he read his Bible often. We stopped doing many of the sinful things we use to do. I continue to grow and he did not. He’s been to church with me finally once after 3 years of marriage and has not been again in months. I am absolutely miserable. I thought that we were going to grow in God together. I love him, but if there was a way out of this marriage I might be willing to take it.
We have a daughter together, who I prayed for, without thinking about how she might be affected by our horrible marriage. I thought I could guide her on my own, with prayer and guidance from God. I don’t know anymore. My husband curses and drinks still and he hangs around unsaved people the majority of the time. I am so very unhappy. I cry several times a month I’m sure. He has those people come over our house with their drinking and cursing. I feel like I’m judging people, but I am just so uncomfortable. I am miserable.
I’ve looked up apartments on the internet. I have thoughts of him cheating on me when he’s not here, even though he’s usually at the neighbors drinking. But how do I know what’s going on over there? I’m not there and I don’t want to be. I have nothing in common with them. I’m so tired of crying and being miserable. I don’t want my little girl to be in a broken home. I don’t want to be miserable either. I guess if I had to choose, which I guess I do. I have to be miserable, but still she will see her daddy doing sinful things. Either way this all is heartbreaking. He’s home now, but I’m still miserable.
2 H // Jul 6, 2008 at 11:57 am
(USA) I too am married to a non-believer. Not only is he a non-believer in Christ, he is another religion altogether. Not to get too specific, but one of the Eastern religions. I regret EVERY day getting myself into this situation. I knew it was wrong and through a series of bad decisions, did it anyway. Long story short, I got married because I got pregnant. We got married in court, not even in a house of God. I hope God will forgive me for doing such things that I knew full well were wrong before I did them. I know I have to face the consequences of my choices, for the rest of my life. I wish I could have faith that He has forgiven me.
If anyone reading this could clear up some confusion, I do have one question. I’ve read what God says about what to do in a situation of having ignored His commands and already married a non-believer (stay with them unless THEY want to leave, as long as they are not committing infidelity because they may eventually come to Christ) but does this apply as well to spouses who do believe in something else– false gods? Is a "believer in nothing" the same as a "believer in something else"?
Every day, I want to leave this marriage- but I know if I did, my husband would be devastated (and probably try to get back at me any way he could- he has said he’ll try to take our child if I ever leave him. He’s also said he’d rather kill himself than get divorced.). Plus, he’d never have any chance at all to know Christ if I was no longer in his life, not that he’s showing any interest anyway.
I am so afraid that he will win over our child into his "faith" though. And, selfishly, I am miserable in the marriage. I am not in love with him, and see no point to try to fall in love with him, because I know we will not be together in eternity. I already cannot bear the thought of him in Hell, it would be all the harder if I let myself love him more deeply. I don’t even know if I have salvation any more, I’ve never felt more far from God. I cannot even trust my husband with our child because I would rather die than have my child learn to follow a false religion.
Bottom line, if you’re considering marrying a non-Christian (especially someone of another faith), DON’T DO IT! With the sole exception of my child, who is the love of my life, I cannot think of one positive thing to have come out of my getting involved in this relationship. I hope that at least I can convince someone out there who is about to step into a mess like I’ve made for myself, to stop and re-think what you’re about to do!
3 MARY // Jul 11, 2008 at 3:13 pm
(IRELAND) JULY 11TH 2008 10.50.PM I married over 17 years ago … a man I thought was ‘good’, intelligent and someone with whom I had SO much in common. It didn’t seem to matter THEN that he didn’t have an interest in the things of God that I had. We had so much else in common.. politics, the desire for a family etc.
In my heart of hearts I knew I was betraying my very first love…the LORD Jesus.. HE WAS NOT FIRST IN THE RELATIONSHIP… FAR FROM IT. As the years passed I was busy with having children, keeping a home… it was when my thoughts returned to My Lord, my desire that my children know HIM, that the trouble and the ridicule began. Everything was fine as long as I was a back-slidden Christian. But when tragedy struck… my Christian mother went to be with the Lord and I turned back to Him in my sorrow and remorse… it was then that I TRULY saw him for the first time. I realized how angry and far from God he really was.
Since that time I seem to be living a shadow, half-life. I speak with him about mundane things but my true self is far away. I cannot leave.. it doesn’t seem right either.. yet my life is a lie. I yearn to serve the Lord and have my children know him but he ridicules my beliefs. I continue to pray and trust the Lord but I would caution any Christian to heed the warning in GOD’S word and ‘be not unequally yoked with unbelievers’.
4 AMIE // Jul 14, 2008 at 12:47 pm
(CANADA) I came across this article by accident. I am not married to an unbeliever but am in an on again off again relationship with one, and the only reason I keep letting him back in my life is because we have a child together. The funny thing is I came across this website, doing some research for a birthday present for him. We are currently not together but the ache of wanting him is so strong. I can relate somewhat to the posts here, especially the first one. My ex is a heavy drinker and it’s one of the things that I dislike about him and don’t want around our daughter.
Though I struggle with letting go and taking him back, I think God has really had his hand on me. My ex asked me to move in with him after our daughter was born and I just couldn’t do it. That has been the best decision of my life. Even today I have wondered whether or not I should give him another chance, but I believe God let me find this to remind me that I can trust Him in what He has in store for me — that I can let go completely and I will be ok.
I do hope that the ladies who have written here already will get a chance to read this. One thing I want to share with you is that God is SO Faithful. Even when we fall, screw up, or take a step back. He is right beside us, He NEVER leaves us. So no matter how low we feel today, how miserable, how alone, we can lean on Him. Romans 8:28 states that God works everything out for our good, and even the most difficult of situations are a drop in the bucket to Him. If you remember one thing from reading this I hope it is this: Don’t look at how big your problem is, but rather look at how BIG OUR GOD IS!!!! He’s BIG. He created us inside and out, he can handle us, our spouses, our children… because He is the one that gave all of us life and fashioned us the way we are.
We are ALL FORGIVEN… God bless!
5 Lee // Aug 15, 2008 at 5:38 pm
(UNITED STATES) I read the above stories and have heard many more of the same kind throughout my years. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when Yahweh says something, it is truly for our own good and we should heed and obey His words. We mustn’t listen to others or even our own hearts which can be blinded at times, but instead turn to him who created us. Surely he knows us better than we know ourselves!
I have been going through some major crossroads, I am a homeschooling mom who has three children and know the difficulties being "unequally yoked" brings. I also know that despite what comes on a day to day basis I must continue to:
1.) be faithful to my FIRST love by living out my faith and obeying his words and, 2.) also be faithful next to my spouse by treating him with respect, love, and kindness to the best of my ability which will come from spending time first with the Lord! This way I keep a humble and repentant heart and can honestly say that I’ve done everything I could and obeyed HIS word, so whatever happens it will be not on me.
I want to be free from guilt, bitterness, and pride, etc. If my spouse feels they need to leave then let it be because I did not treat him awfully but did quite the contrary! I was so good to him and treated him like a king but just refused to dishonor or worship THE KING! Compromise was no longer - is- no longer an option I want to play out, lest I stand in judgment before my Lord and Savior.
You’re right, it’s not easy, and the Father knows this. If living out your faith was going to be an "easy" thing, then you would have been with the majority of disciples who left Him because it got too tough! This is all part of the testing of your faith. And if you want to make it to the end and hear God say "well done good and faithful servant…" then you must endure. There is no other way around it. Just endure no matter where you are or what you do, just hang in there, get some good support and cling heavily to the One who really loves you and understands you best!
Like I said earlier you don’t know how it will turn out. Use your experiences to help and warn others and hopefully they will listen but if they don’t then they too must reap what they willingly sow.
Also, the one thing that helps keep me focused and may hopefully help anyone else is that you have to realize and ask yourself that no matter how much you compromise (which you shouldn’t do with matters of faith), or how much you pray (which is a good thing), it doesn’t mean your spouse WILL come to the Lord. Ultimately that decision is reserved in life by your spouse - husband or wife- and God. You see HE "knows his sheep and they hear his voice" so who but God knows who belongs in his fold and doesn’t. You cannot push and force the issue.
You CAN live out your faith by deeds, and that means sometimes creating strife and division, not because you’re doing it intentionally but because one is serving light and the other is unknowingly serving darkness. Remember also that vows are important to keep whether to the Lord or to your spouse and children. We must be a people of our word and whatever else happens, it happens.
Stay focused and keep your head held high (not in prideful arrogance) by knowing who you are in Christ and continue to do your best to live peaceably with all men. Who knows, what could happen, or whether the Lord will deliver you or not? For now (whether we like it or not), we must lay in the bed we made until God says otherwise. Keep praying and keep the faith! God loves you!!! And so do I my sister/brother.
6 Leslee // Aug 16, 2008 at 3:18 pm
(USA) I knew in my heart that my husband was not a Christian when we got married. I knew better and I went ahead and married him anyway. My family is full of pastors, missionaries, and evangelists and I believed that I was still doing the right thing.
It is 6 years later and this week he told me he could not be a Christian, he could not be the man that I needed and that he has been living a lie all of these years. I was afraid of breaking his heart when we were dating, now I wish I had taken the right step and done the right thing. I feel like a little of me is dying inside. It is unreal the events of this week.
I think he has already decided to leave me. I have no idea what will happen. I don’t feel close enough to anyone to confide about this so a group of strangers on a website is the best I have. I am thankful that we do not have any children, but I still LOVE HIM and I don’t want to lose him.
7 Sonia // Sep 14, 2008 at 12:11 pm
(USA) I, too am married to an unbeliever. There are days when I know that my family is made clean by the believer. I wish I had listened to my friends because my life is so hard some days. I know that my covenant is with God. I pray that my husband will be saved and I believe God for it, but now I know how awful it is to live with someone who denies him and has even said he doesn’t want to know God.
I cling to his word and what it says. I know that for my disobedience I suffer everyday. It does break my heart to have a selfish spouse and he says and does hurtful things to me and the children verbally and by his behavior. I tell them to forgive him for his words and his actions and don’t be like him. Speak life into him, speak the word into him. Ask God to give you what you need to keep serving him no matter what.
Because of my pain of the past 9 years and 3 children, I will keep trusting God to get me through it even though I don’t deserve it. I love God more because he has never left me. I also know that I have to keep in God’s presence all the more. I caution anyone listening NOT TO MARRY AN UNBELIEVER. You will suffer so many trials and may even lose sight that joy comes from the Lord, not people or things.
I still thank God that he loves me and I have beautiful children that love God. Be blessed, keep the faith, and most of all keep enduring no matter the cost. God will see you through all of it. I pray for all people in my situation because now I know how incredibly hard it is.
8 Sandzisi // Sep 15, 2008 at 4:25 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’m glad I came across this page and all the comments are helpful. I too am yoked to an unbeliever - we have been together for 3 years now, and it has resulted in a beautiful daughter (turning 2 now), as well as me backsliding to the point where it seems I’m the only one who knows that I love my God.
See, 5 years ago I was basking in the bosom of my church, showered with blessings, had a good, Godly man given unto me and we were preparing for marriage when it came out that he had been having a 5-month-long relationship with another church member. I was devastated, but sought help from my pastors and we seemed to be sorting things out, when banns of marriage were announced in church and he was to marry the other lady. That really shook my faith - in my church, my pastors, and yes, in God.
I survived the ensuing months through sheer stubbornness, but had to concede defeat when I was gently, but surely ostracized in my own church, then I drifted away, occasionally making it to my church, visiting other churches, but it was just never the same.
When I met my current boyfriend he was able to make me smile again. He’s affectionate, funny, considerate, and loving, but he also drinks. Then becomes loud and jolly (really!) and swears a lot. It’s been insidious but I have now slipped into his way of life and I’m in a bad place coz I have received acceptance from the "other side" when I was shunned by "the good side".
I realise that all I should have held on to was "God’s side" from the beginning and I wouldn’t be in this quandary I’m in right now: I love my boyfriend and he loves me, shows it, doesn’t mistreat me, loves his daughter to bits. But I am now starting to find my way back to Christ and I know it will be difficult to have my cake and eat it: I shouldn’t have yoked myself… and now there’s no turning back.
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