My husband actually tells me he loves me and that I’m beautiful a lot (esp. when we were dating and the first few years of our marriage). However, he completely destroys that when he calls me names, curses me out when I’m calmly trying to have discussions or average conversations and profanes me or my spirituality.

Because he has a history of ongoing verbal abuse, him telling me he loves me or thinks I’m beautiful has absolutely zero credibility with me. None.

So I think it’s important, for any men reading this, that if you tell your wife you love her or that she’s beautiful a lot and she doesn’t seem to believe you, then it means you’ve (most likely) completely destroyed your credibility in some way or another, along the way.

I, personally, work out, wear nice clothes, have had female friends tell me I’m beautiful and catch guys looking at me from time to time so, generically, my oustide beauty isn’t even a question because it’s been confirmed by others. Because I work out and have a strong desire not to be fat or even slighly overweight, most women envy my build. And I envy most women the way their husbands seem to value them the way mine doesn’t.

What I really need is to hear my husband actually validate me as a person and my worth on the inside. I want to hear my worth as a person. Hearing him say he thinks I’m beautiful is actually an insult to me because it means nothing to me. It makes me feel like a piece of meat or a possession. I need to feel he values me, more, for who I am, than what I look like.

That’s not to say there aren’t more insecure (from a looks standpoint) people out there and those are the types of women who probably need to hear that. My point is that sometimes telling someone you value how they look, instead of who they are, is not enough. You need to do both. And you need to be believable.

If you lost your credibility, gain it back. That’s only done over time, not overnight. God bless.

When, we got married, I found that my husband had been going out with someone else right up until the time we got married. This woman even called a few days after we had gotten married, looking for him. She was shocked when I answered, just as I was shocked when she told me who she was. She had no idea he was getting married.

He would leave and come home late at night. I finally set my foot down and that stopped for the most part, but there have been incidents over the years since then. He doesn’t do that now, but only because he lives in constant pain from a back injury. For the first 5 years, I was sure he would leave me at any time. The insecurity was devastating.

I must say he was good at complimenting me. I had no doubt that he thought I was beautiful and he loved my figure, my face. We had great sex and we never fought. But over the last three years, he has pretty much stopped the compliments. He has become silent toward me in that respect. It hurts so bad and I absolutely long to hear him say the things he used to say.

He has never included me when it comes to his family. 2 or 3 times a year he decides to go spend time with his folks. If I can go along great, if not, too bad. The decision is not mutual, he decides. In fact, sometimes I find out about his plans by hearing him tell one of his siblings or his Dad on the phone. He’s happy to take me if I can get off work; otherwise he just leaves me dangling. You see, since his back injury in 2001, he has not been able to work a steady job, so I work and support the family and it is his duty to take the kids to and from school and babysit when they are out of school. So when he’s gone, I’m scrambling to find people who will do me the favor of transporting the kids.

He hardly goes to church at all and will not take the spiritual leadership at home. He lets our daughters see things on TV that I feel are detrimental. We have had discussions about it, but it goes on. He doesn’t even seem to notice. Sometimes I feel like he has replaced me with the television.

But, he is a really nice person. In spite of all his pain, he is not irritable or cranky for the most part. We converse a lot and that helps.

Over the last few months, I have been fighting a life and death battle with feelings that I have for a man at work. He looks at me the way my husband used to, devouring me with his chocolate eyes, and tells me what a pleasure it is to work with me. It has gone no further than that, because my belief system doesn’t even have room for such atrocities–unfaithfulness, adultery! No, I will not do such a thing, but the longings are endless and relentless, the fantasies constantly float through my mind, and the war inside is only calmed by heavy doses of God’s presence and His Word.

I keep finding all this material on the needs of a woman, but how to get them met in a legitimate way when your spouse can’t and won’t is a mystery. Only through God, I guess. Thanks for providing a sounding board.