The following are Web Site Links and Resource descriptions that deal with surviving the damage that can occur because of abuse in marriage. We pray you will find them to be helpful.

• www.compassionpower.com This is the web site for Steven Stosny, PhD, who is the founder of Compassion Power. He has written many books and articles on anger and relationships and has been featured in most major print and broadcast media, including several guest appearances on the Oprah Winfrey Show. His interest in the healing power of compassion grew from his childhood in a violent home. We must tell you that this is not a Christian web site. But his work is very good and very helpful to thousands of people throughout the world.

• www.focusministries1.org, with co-founders and Brenda Branson Paula Silva. This is a not-for-profit organization devoted to offer hope, encouragement, education, and assistance to women who are struggling in difficult circumstances, including spousal abuse. With offices in Illinois and Kentucky, FOCUS Ministries provides help for women suffering the horror of domestic violence and for those who want to help. You can contact them at: FOCUS Ministries P. O. Box 2014, Elmhurst, Illinois 60126 Phone: (630) 595-7023 or FOCUS Ministries, P. O. Box 323, Hanson, Kentucky 42413. Phone: (270) 825-2423. If this is not an emergency and you would like to reach FOCUS Ministries, you may contact them through their web site or by e-mail at help@focusministries1.org.

• FOCUS ON THE FAMILY COUNSELOR REFERRALS: Over the past 25 years, Focus on the Family www.family.org has developed a nationwide Christian referral system. As they say on their web site, “our counseling staff would be happy to speak with you and recommend any counselors available in your geographic area.” If you live in the U.S. you can do the following: “To speak with a counselors’ assistant and receive a referral to a counselor in your area, please call (719) 531-3400 from 9-4:30 (Mountain Time) Monday through Friday, and ask for the Counseling department. For an online referral, please fill out a referral request form and submit it to our staff. They will be in touch with you in as timely a manner as possible. Unfortunately, we do not have area counselor referrals outside of North America.” However, they DO have web sites for a variety of other countries such as Australia, Canada, China, Costa Rica, Egypt, Ireland, Korea, Malaysia, New Zealand, Singapore, Africa, and Taiwan, which may be able to direct you to counselors in your area when you contact them. To find a link which will take you to one of their international web sites, you can go to the Focus on the Family www.family.org web site and scroll down to the bottom of their Home Page and then select the flag that represents the web site for the country you are looking for.

• www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com, which is the web site for the National Registry for Marriage-Friendly Therapists. Although this is not a Christian web site, it is one that we believe can be very helpful. Their “mission” is to “help marriages by linking couples with the most highly qualified therapists in the country. As they say, which we believe to be true, “Right now it’s hard for couples to find a good therapist. Many therapists lack training and experience in marriage therapy, and some are lukewarm in supporting life-long commitment. The Registry only accepts therapists with many years of training and experience in marriage and couples therapy. These therapists value marriage and life-long commitment, and are dedicated to helping marriages succeed if at all possible.”

• NEW BEGINNING MARRIAGE SEMINAR, Family Dynamics Institute provides an intensive seminar for help with marriage problems. This seminar is for those whose marriages have been hurt by affairs or other major issue. Please click here for more information.

• REJOICE MINISTRIES.COM calls themselves “a spiritual trauma center for hurting marriages.” Their web site can be found at www.rejoiceministries.org. Their entire ministry, is designed to encourage and give hope to those who are standing in the gap believing God for a miracle in their marriages. They supply its reader’s more than 18 pages of testimonies of restored marriages and over 72 pages where you’re able to read individual letters of praise to God for answers to prayer and testimonies of God’s faithfulness through the various difficulties they’ve encountered in their marriages and families. You can read the testimonies and the stories of restored marriages by clicking into them from the side bar of the Home page of their web site.

• www.retrouvaille.org RETROUVAILLE (meaning, “rediscovery,” rhyming with pie), . This is a program for couples with serious problems who are disillusioned, separated and/or on the brink of divorce. You’ll be helped by volunteer couples who have also “been to the brink” — who have experienced serious problems including affairs, alcoholism, gambling, violence, etc. or who have simply fallen out of love— but who have worked their way back. They’ll teach you how to fall back in love again and heal your own marriage and make it stronger than ever before. This successful program (85% when both partners work at it) teaches simple techniques of communication and exercises to work on forgiveness, healing, and restoration of trust.

The program begins with a weekend and includes 12 follow-up meetings over 3 months. These are not spiritual retreats, sensitivity groups, seminars or social gatherings — there are no counselors involved and you don’t have to say anything in front of anyone else. Couples discuss the topics and practice the skills in private. It has a blank envelope donation system and is open to couples of all faiths and to the non-religious. For those in the USA: to find a program in your area call, 800-470-2230 or you can visit their web site at www.retrouvaille.org.

•  www.soulhealinglove.com This is the web site for the Institute for Soul Healing Love, with Doctors Beverly and Tom Rodgers. Their Soul Healing Love model explores how childhood wounds can affect our adult relationships, and it provides methods for individuals and families to begin healing. Bev and Tom speak worldwide and provide whole-person Christian counseling for a full range of issues, including abuse, and train counselors, pastors, and mentors, as well.

• www.thethirdoption.com This is an organization based on reconciliation —a new beginning. Most hurting couples will say they’ve “tried everything” but what they usually mean is they’ve tried the same things over and over. In this group setting you’ll learn new ways to handle old problems. The Third Option isn’t counseling. It’s an educational and support group where you learn and encourage each other along the way. However, they recommend participants seek counseling when appropriate.

The Third Option is a peer ministry and an educational program. It combines: a support group, “sharing” couples and workshops on relationship skills. The Third Option can be both a stepping-stone to counseling and an adjunct to it. The Third Option is an ON-GOING program which gives couples a “place to go” in crisis or anytime. It works well in conjunction with weekend experiences. There are 14 mini-workshops, which teach relationship skills. The topics are: Handling Anger Constructively, Ending the Blame Game, Understanding Expectations, Dealing with Personality Differences, Breaking the Hurt Cycle, Communication Skills, Redefining the Power Struggle, Childhood Issues and Emotional Baggage, Building a Climate of Respect, How to Fight Fair, Rebuilding Trust and Control Issues.

RESOURCES:

• A LASTING PROMISE… A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage -by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain, and Milt Bryan, published by Jossey Bass Publishers www.josseybass.com. This book is highly recommended by Gary Smalley as being one of the best books he’s found to help married couples. It’s based on sound research that shows why married couples separate and how to help them stay together in a loving way. The data from this research differentiates those who do well over time from those who don’t with 80-91% accuracy up to 12 years later. This book focuses on practical action and gives solid tools couples can use to make their marriage stronger, happier, and lifelong. The techniques in this book are for any couple— from the newly engaged to long-time married couples who want to solve problems or prevent them. Buy this book now.

• A WAY OF HOPE -by Leslie Barner, produced by the ministry of Family Life Today. As it says, “Each year, millions of women are abused in the one place they thought they would be safe …in their homes. We have created this resource with two purposes: • To give abused women hope that their lives can change. • To provide some concrete suggestions for how to move toward recovery.” There is also a free down-loadable version available on the web site for Family Life Today, which you can click onto HERE.

• ANGRY MEN AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM… Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse, by Paul Hegstrom, published by Beacon Hill Press. This book is written by a former pastor who battered his wife. Facing a charge of attempted murder and a prison term, Hegstrom got the wake-up call he needed. With professional help and an intense struggle with spiritual issues, he began the lengthy process of healing and recovery. Through a thorough examination of the psychology behind various types of abuse, along with true examples from his own life and others, Hegstrom points the way back to wholeness and freedom. This can be an invaluable aid for the man who batters, the woman who feels trapped, and the pastor, counselor, or friend who desperately wants to help them both. It offers straight answers for those willing to overcome the cycle of violence. The revised and updated edition includes a new chapter that discusses the physiological and psychological changes in the brain when abuse occurs. Review or Buy This Book Now

• BEFORE A BAD GOODBYE… How to Turn Your Marriage Around -by Dr Tim Clinton, published by Word Publishing, www.wordpublishing.com. This book is especially for couples at the breaking point, showing that there’s a 3rd choice outside of divorce or a marriage in name only: reconciliation. Dr Clinton is a licensed marriage and family therapist, an ordained minister and president of the American Association of Christian Counseling. This book is excellent if you’re trying to reclaim a love that has nearly slipped through your fingers. It has spiritual encouragements, cognitive tools, and practical behavioral suggestions. It teaches you how to build (or rebuild) a foundation one brick at a time and is “must-reading” for a divorce-minded culture.”

• FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE… Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love -by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg, published by Jossey -Bass Publishers www.josseybass.com. This is a “down-to-earth, user-friendly, occasionally humorous advice to couples engaged in the emotional taffy pull of living together.” This book helps you and your partner to master the skills that can prevent marital distress and divorce and teaches such skills as listening without criticizing or interrupting, setting ground rules for discussion, and scheduling meetings to talk about issues calmly. Buy this book now.

• LOVE MUST BE TOUGH… New Hope for Families in Crisis, by Dr James Dobson, published by Multnomah Publishers, www.multnomahbooks.com. In this book, Dr. Dobson offers practical help for the spouse who wants to hold the marriage together. He shows how to rekindle romantic interest and draw the offending partner back home. For new generations faced with ever-increasing threats to stable and loving bonds, Love Must Be Tough offers realistic hope.

“Dr. Dobson’s premise of tough love, which essentially means defining and maintaining the line of respect around yourself, seems sound and practical. Applying it avoids the drawn-out, torturous emotions that go with living in a decaying relationship. Dobson makes the seemingly radical recommendation that people facing infidelity or other marital crisis of similar proportions precipitate a crisis to bring the situation to a boil. Dobson’s point is that that boil will very often restore the relationship. Precipitating the crisis shows your mettle, which commands respect and even admiration.”

“This book is NO GUARANTEE that you will win your spouse or significant other back. But, like anything else, if you don’t do something you will more assuredly lose them anyway. Pray hard and read this book if you want to keep them. Learn to give them space.” If you can’t find this book at a location near you go to www.multnomahbooks.com and go into their “Contact Us” section. They even have a selection for “International Distribution” if you live outside of the United States to find out if they have a distributor located near you. Buy this book now.

• 10 LIFE SAVING PRINCIPLES FOR WOMEN IN DIFFICULT MARRIAGES - by Karla Downing, published by Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City. This book helps women overcome their sense of powerlessness by giving them tools to improve their marriage. It examines misconceptions about Scriptures that cause confusion and even pain, helping women recover their faith that God cares for them. Women will begin to focus on what they can do to change themselves, instead of trying over and over again to change their husbands. As they learn to set boundaries with their husbands, they will protect themselves and their children from the effects of the difficult marriage. One day at a time, their lives will begin to change and heal as they apply the information, insights, and principles to their individual situation. 10 Lifesaving Principles helps women: Reexamine their ideas about certain Christian scriptures and principles (for example, submission) Develop a support system of family, friends, and other women facing the same problems Set boundaries with their husbands to protect themselves and their children from the effects of the difficult marriage. Buy this book now.

• THE OTHER SIDE OF LOVE -by Gary Chapman, published by Moody Publishers www.moodypublishers.com. In this book, Dr Chapman looks at the origin and purpose of anger. Asserting that anger is rooted in the holy nature of God, he reverently explains that anger flows from God’s holiness and love. Gary Chapman draws on his extensive counseling experience to instruct us how to positively process our anger. This will help us to create and further cultivate healthy relationships. Helpful study questions for group or personal use conclude each chapter. Don’t let anger get the best of you. Victory begins with understanding. Buy this book now.

• THE WALKOUT WOMAN …When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams are Lost, written by Dr Steve Stephens and Alice Gray, published by Multnomah www.multnomahbooks.com. We HIGHLY recommend this book—it’s outstanding! It’s written for women who need practical and inspiring help to breathe new life into their marriages which may seem hopeless. As the authors say, concerning this book, “We pray that you will recognize the symptoms and dangers of becoming a walk-out woman and that you will realize that it is not a path to happiness. Opening your heart to your marriage again is indeed a risk, but we believe it’s a risk worth taking. We want to help you understand your husband better and show some ways you can encourage him to listen to your hurts and anger. We want to help you understand more about yourself as well—why you may have started “keeping score” and how you have built a wall around your heart. We’ll talk about realistic and unrealistic expectations and the dangers of creating a new fantasy with someone else. We’ll also give you strategies for taking care of yourself, getting connected again with your husband, resolving conflict, dealing with anger and loss, remembering the good times, and pressing closer to the Lord.” Buy this book now.

• WHEN LOVES DIES… How to Save a Hopeless Marriage -by Judy Bodmer, published by Word Publishing www.wordpublishing.com. This is a refreshing, honest look at one woman’s journey to the edge of divorce, her commitment to stay even though she didn’t feel like it, and her eventual rediscovery of the love that she thought had died. Some of the subjects she discusses from her own experience are: You Don’t Know How Bad Things Are; You Don’t Know My Husband; I Can’t Forgive or Forget, I Can’t Change the Way I Feel; I had So Many Dreams; I Don’t Love Him; We Can’t Talk; I Feel So Angry; I Married the Wrong Man; I Don’t Want Him to Touch Me; I Don’t Feel Loved; and I Just Want to Be Happy. Buy this book now.

• WHEN YOU CAN’T SAY “I FORGIVE YOU”… Breaking the Bonds of Anger and Hurt -by Dr Grace Ketterman and David Hazard, published by NavPress www.NavPress.com. Licensed physician Grace Ketterman shares her own shocking story of divorce, shame, and reconciliation. Through her gentle approach, compelling stories,and David’s teaching you’ll discover the power to make it through the process of forgiveness—past the pain, and anger—toward a true change of heart. Buy this book now.

• YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE -by Steven Stosny, PhD., published by Free Press. This is a non-religious book, but it’s a good one. Dr Stosny suffered the effects of an abusive home life, so he knows first-hand, many of the problems that victims and abusers encounter. He’s made it his life profession to help stop the cycle of violence. This book aims to turn your resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive relationship into a compassionate, loving one. You can read more about his book and his work on his web site at www.compassionpower.com. Buy this book now.

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