The following are “Real Life” testimonies from people who have dealt with the destructive force of abuse marriage. We believe you will learn through what they have to say and will prayerfully find hope through reading what they have lived through and learned through.
- BREAKING THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE
- PAUL HEGSTROM VIDEO TESTIMONY: He Overcame His Abusive Ways
- A MARRIAGE DELIVERED FROM THE DUMPSTER
If God has given you a testimony, a personal experience you have lived through in your marriage— one that could help and encourage others who are living with the horrible pain that comes through infidelity, we would appreciate it if you would write it down and send it to us— even if what you have to write isn’t very long in length.
Please share your testimony with us by going to the CONTACT section and clicking on “Contact Us” and then writing it out for us there.
If you want to remain anonymous, please let us know. We will not to reveal your name and the name(s) of your loved ones if that is your wish. Our aim is to encourage others, not to embarrass anyone.
Thanks so much!
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(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband was abusive emotionally, physically and financially. Thanks to God and counseliing at my church by helping me through prayer to fight the demon.
(USA) My husband gambled away our home, car, boat, jewelry –everything and then blamed me. He also cheated on me with a lady co-worker. I live with my parents at this time with no child support from him! And my mother has to remind me daily I did not gamble in poker, football games or at the casino and I need to stop blaming myself.
I could just die! But I have a 13 year old son. I lost everything but my child and life. I pray the two will be saved. Thank you. Dorene
(CANADA) I have been married for 22 years. I have 3 kids, two of them are grown and a 4 year old. My marriage has not been easy. My husband has been addicted to everything from drugs, to alcohol, to gambling. I became very bitter. God has shown me how my bitterness anger and disgust in my husband has made him even worse, and maybe even contributed in his not getting better. I now pray that God will continue to show me what part I have played in all of this, and show me how to completely forgive him, love him, and be supportive to him instead of being cold and judgmental.
(SOUTH – AFRICA) Hi all. I have been to all of the links on the Marriage Missions web site, but I’m not quite sure where I fit in. My husband has been abusing me for almost 8 years now (hitting, kicking, swearing, pushing, locking me out in the cold, etc.). Last year I left him and opened a case of domestic violence against him. He went for help and assured me that he has changed. It went better for a while but we never went for counseling together to get past my hurts because “he never has money” when it come to my hurts.
I don’t know if this is also part of abuse and ‘teaching me a lesson’ for doing that to him (opening the case against him). A little bit more than a month ago I found out that he was having an affair (emotional). After a lot of pain and prayer, he and this woman stopped contacting each other.
Now, I’m still hurt and I’m struggling to get over it. I need him to understand what this has done to me, but he just doesn’t care. He says that it was my own fault that he had to go to another woman for attention. I have been crying and fighting – and nothing! He does not show any remorse. He is at a point where he is just ignoring me.
The other day I was busy on his laptop and saw on his e-mail history all the ‘porn’ websites he has been visiting. I am so hurt, I can’t take it anymore! I’m am spending my free time on sites like this and praying and reading books on how to save my marriage and how to forgive him for everything and he spends his time looking at naked woman!!!!
He is not interested in reading anything I give to him and if I try and tell him how I feel he accuses me of making him feel bad! My poor child is suffering. He is crying in his sleep at night and it breaks my heart! Help! Somebody help me to pray for my husband! It feels like I’m losing faith! I don’t want to cause I love God so much! I’m just very depressed at the moment.
(USA) In your situation you must feel very confused As an outsider looking in, STAY AWAY FROM HIM AND GET COUNSELING FOR YOURSELF. He doesn’t respond to you in a rational way because he is an emotionally and spiritually sick man. Work on yourself. For some reason you are allowing yourself to be abused. God will give you strength. He gave you a free will and you can make your own choices. You have control over your life. NO ONE but God should have control over yours.
(USA) Hi Kathy, I’m in the process of separating myself from an abusive husband. I have done a LOT of research and have also sought professional counseling on my own. Just so you know, ignoring someone is also a form of abuse.
From what you describe, your husband is still in the abusive mindset. He is not better, yet. It generally takes a LONG time and a LOT of therapy. He does not sound like a healthy person.
Please see the following website for information: http://www.focusministries1.org/
Pray on what you need to do and whether or not God wants you linked to someone who could possibly damage you spiritually and emotionally as well as your child. Heavy prayer is required for you to receive guidance on how to handle your current situation (to leave or stay) as well as you need to pray for discernment of your husband’s words and the intent behind them.
I do not advise you giving him things to read any further. It will not go well and might make things worse. Like an addict, he has to want to change himself. If he doesn’t, then he will not like you making suggestions or or giving him literature.
If you decide to remain, you will need to start distancing yourself emotionally because that is one of the few ways to live, day to day, with an unhealthy person. And I speak from experience.
In Christian love, LT
(U.S.A.) I have been married now going on 13 years. My husband and I are active in a church. My husband is on disability and he has a lot of anger. His anger is pressed towards me. He is always yelling at me and always putting me down for almost anything that I do. From how I cook dinner to how I have a bad, low paying job.
My husband helps me out a lot around the house; he keeps the house clean and does the laundry. When the kids are in school he drops them off and then picks them up. This is what he contributes to his family. But as for spending time with me or his boys he would rather sit in the bedroom and watch TV. I have asked him lots of times if we could go and do things together as a family but he never wants to. Then later when he is so angry with me he says that I do not spend enough time with him.
He is always mad that I spend a lot of time with my mother. He yells at me and says that I am married to him not to her. I feel that I can not say anything to him or he might explode. I hate fighting. I don’t like the way he is treating me and my oldest boy who is 6 years old asks me why his dad is always yelling at me. And one time when he was mad at me he told me that he thought it was funny that his dad yells at me.
I know that I am not perfect in this marriage but do I really deserve this kind of treatment. To my husband his actions are justifiable. If I wasn’t such a cold person he wouldn’t get so angry with me all the time. There has been a lot of verbal abuse from him and this last fight we had he poked me hard in the chest. I lost control and slapped him in the face and then he pushed me down and I slapped him again. I never thought in a million years I would ever be that kind of person.
I don’t want to end the marriage but I know that things have got to change. He doesn’t want to go to counseling because he doesn’t want people to know his business. But I am afraid people are going to find out anyways cause I can’t let him keep getting away with his very bad behavior.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi LT, First of all I’d like to thank you for your advice. I’m still not sure what I want to do, or what I want to do, but it sure helps knowing there is someone out there who is willing to listen. I had a strong urge to pray for you this week-end. I hope everything is OK?
Last night I was again told what a bad wife I am, etc, etc and the only thing I’m good at is ‘praying’ (as if that is a bad thing). I am so angry with myself that I didn’t see the signs in the beginning. I come out of a very loving house. My parents are very strong Christians. They still love each other dearly after 31 years of marriage. I had such a beautiful example of what a marriage should be like, and I go and marry an abuser? I feel like the black sheep in the family because I brought a person like my husband into it.
Last night I was again told that I am the reason that he goes and seeks attention from other woman. I had to get up out of bed because he was throwing things around and yelling again (something about me not satisfying him). He wants sex every second night, otherwise there is trouble!! I am at that stage where I just give it to him so that I can have peace in the house. Isn’t that some form of rape? All I wish for is peace. No more fighting.
But enough of my moaning. Hope you have a wonderful day! I will be praying for you. Kathy
(USA) My husband and I are on our second marriages, have been married for only 4 years. He is verbally insulting, indifferent, and honestly we have had no marital relations for over 2 years. By NO relations, I mean none. Hugging is as intimate as we have been. He is unconcerned about this and says I have a problem. He also tries to get me to stop church choir (he knows I love it) and complains constantly about dinner. I earn 3 x the money he does, and he spends 4x what he makes, yet he calls me stingy.
He drinks beer at least four days a week and has been drinking at least a 6 pack when he does. He also drinks in the car on his way home from work, hides his bottles from me, and takes my prescription sleeping pills. In fact, the last bottle that I take only as needed, had 30 pills in it and he took 29 of them.
He is very kind to the pets we have, but is rude and indifferent to me. He avoids people in social settings and only goes places where he knows people are drinking. I am 54 years old and do not want to start all over again. I do love him, and he can be very fun when he has NOT been drinking, or has only had one or two, but he never stops at one or two. Today he wanted to spend 30,000 dollars on a new tractor which we don’t need (we only own 30 acres), and when I said no, and suggested he get the old one fixed, he threw a fit, and then he threw a can at me and caused a huge bruise and welt on my thigh.
I really am at wits end and am praying for an answer. When I have suggested we seek counseling he says it’s my fault, and I have “anger issues”. He refuses all counseling and says I think anyone who drinks at all is an alcoholic (not true, my family was all social drinkers). HELP.
(USA) I have been married for 25 years and didn’t even KNOW that I was with an “abuser” until just the last several years! My husband and I fell into typical roles in the sense that I was the more talkative, expressive, open one – wanting to be more engaged in conversation and more connected emotionally. Like most men, he was more socially reserved, finding it very uncomfortable to relate on more personal levels and easier to detach, clam up completely and withdraw emotionally.
All of this by itself would not have been so terrible in & of itself. We could see these differences and for the most part, early on, we dealt with them. He knew I was a more sensitive emotional being but was drawn to that aspect of who I was because of his own emotionally closed off family. On the other hand, I knew it was difficult for him to be as open & as personal in communication as I would have liked, but I loved him & knew that he was trying and cared about me. That love and devotion carried us through 5 years of marriage where we were affectionate and in love and each other’s best friend.
It wasn’t without the occasional argument but for the most part things went smoothly. Any outsider looking at our relationship thought we were “perfect” for each other & “so in love”… we were close, always together, and happy! There was a respect there and a desire to BE together and to work out our differences… it had ALL the makings of a lifelong relationship. We were both only 20 & 21 when we got married but we were so committed to each other… I could have never envisioned the change that was to take place.
By the time we had been married 7-8 years and our daughter was several years old, things had drastically changed. He could still be sweet and affectionate and all the little things that I loved so much… and that is probably WHY it was so difficult for me to see what was happening right before my very eyes! It started with him being very moody and upset over little things, just being irritated with me and everything that I did… pretty soon it was like I couldn’t do ANYTHING right. He would blow up over the slightest things… then he’d yell at me, blame me for everything that was wrong – if I hadn’t done this or that, we wouldn’t be in the situation we were in or that wouldn’t have happened, etc. It didn’t matter what it was, I was always at fault.
In the beginning, for several years, I found myself making excuses just like the wife of an alcoholic. I would replay the situation in my mind & think to myself, “he’s just in a bad mood, if I hadn’t done this or that, it wouldn’t have set him off… if I just did this differently, he wouldn’t get mad… or if I just did this a certain way, he wouldn’t be upset, etc.” I always tried to rationalize or find a reason for HIS actions. I was upset with him and his treatment of me but because I LOVED him, I still saw the good in him and was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
This went on for years… we split up, divorced, had 2 more children and got back together and remarried all within the course of 5 years… we had experienced everything you can go through, TRUST ME!! We had gone through trust issues, anger issues, betrayal, jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, etc. you name it, we lived it!!!
We ended up in counseling and during that year were able to make some progress that really did go in a positive direction and actually did work through some of the issues. It was very difficult and emotionally trying for both of us but we knew that at that point in our lives we had to do it in order to get back on any kind of track in regaining a life together. We had 3 small children and that was a priority for both of us.
It has been 13 years since we got back together and remarried… and 25 years since we were first married…. during the last 13 years, our relationship has deteriorated to a point where there is no respect and no love or affection. It is unbelievable to me that it could fall apart when we have already gone through SO MUCH together!
I feel like he has just watched it slip away and did NOTHING to bring it back. The anger and defensiveness and all the issues that have always been there have just grown and it is at a point where I do not believe he even wants to change it. He has always blamed me, nothing different there… and just like an alcoholic that always has an excuse for his drinking, my husband has always had a reason why the issues and problems are always my fault. It keeps the focus off of him ever looking at himself and seeing where he has ANY responsibility in all of this. He still becomes very angry, instantly defensive, frustrated and irritated to the point where he is yelling and cussing at me over the slightest little things. I can tell him to stop but he will just continue the tirade until he has said his piece!
His hostility towards me is so great that I just feel like he hates me… there is no love or affection or warmth coming from him. He can ignore me & not talk to me and just look right through me or past me – it is like I am completely invisible to him & no longer a part of his life. If I try to discuss our life or how I feel there will be a big blowup because he will just DENY that it is happening or he will say it didn’t happen that way or I am just over reacting so nothing I say is taken seriously and is never validated. I am wrong no matter what & he still NEVER has to acknowledge that he did treat me poorly or unfairly. He always gets away with it!
I can stand up to him and do on many occasions but the truth of the matter is I cannot stand the continual conflict that takes place. I have always been a strong and independent woman that has worked and pretty much managed my own life, made my own decisions, etc. but over the years that all of this has gone on, it has broken me and taken whatever confidence and joy that I had. I used to be a positive person that always looked for the good and gave people a chance and was an idealist, a true romantic at heart. I feel like he took that heart that I gave him and he broke it into a million pieces.
I am not a perfect person but I loved him… and even with cold & unloving behavior towards me, I tried and still wanted a life with him… I had not given up on him or us and kept hoping that things could be different but he just let go and turned his back on me like I am not even part of his life and he could care less about it. He can go months and months with basically no interaction… just existing in the same house… I can try to talk to him or be close or hug him & he will just push me away, avoid me, etc. and he will still just act irritated all the time as though I am constantly failing to measure up to his standards… like somehow I am just not good enough and he will hold that over me and tell me everything I am doing wrong and he will emphasize that THAT is the problem… nothing that HE is or has done!
If I even try to address my feelings or how I see it, he will just blow up at me and tell me how “that’s not it!” and how wrong I am & will just belittle me and talk down to me in a condescending manner & tone of voice like I don’t even deserve common courtesy in any conversation. I deserve to be treated how I am being treated… this has gone on for years and someone could easily say “HOW CAN YOU STILL BE WITH THIS MAN!”… Well, I can tell you that THERE ARE reasons… and they are JUST AS COMPELLING AND REAL as the reasons for LEAVING!!!
Believe me when I say that I have been unhappy and feeling lost and alone & empty and sad for so long I cannot even remember when it began… and for some people that would be ENOUGH to just say it’s over and move on. And it’s not like the idea of being with someone who knows what LOVE is hasn’t crossed my mind… but I can tell you something that a lot of people can’t and that is I’ve been through this before.
I know people leave and start over all the time but the reality is that it is never easy – it isn’t just like moving out of your parents house when you are 18… this is 25 years of a life already LIVED with this person… there is A LOT there!!! And this is 25 years of a life that you BELIEVED and HOPED would be forever!!!! That is a HUGE emotional investment that has already had your HEART and SOUL like nothing else ever will!!! And no matter how awful something has become, you still CARE about the life that you had together, your marriage MEANT something – it wasn’t something that you just took lightly as though it can just be over at the drop of a hat – this has been your life, good or bad – and you had hopes & dreams & plans & goals, etc. that ALL involved this other person!!! And when you have VALUED that commitment to the greatest extent possible, you will do whatever it takes at all cost to hold on because you WANT it to work and get better.
Even when you are unhappy and it doesn’t seem to change & there seems to be no end in sight, you still HOPE that it WILL change – you still PRAY for a miracle – you still WANT to BELIEVE that if there is any way possible, that it CAN be different, that this person’s heart will be changed for the better… that they will see the problems or issues that need to be addressed and be willing to work towards a positive resolution… if the person on the receiving end of all of this didn’t BELIEVE that any of this was even a remote possibility, they would already be gone!!
So, you see, it’s not as simple as just walking away… and when you add in children, it makes it even harder. I agree that sometimes you do have to leave and that it is necessary and I am not faulting anyone for doing that… I am just saying that it is never easy. There is guilt even in a bad situation because you know that by leaving the family dynamic will be forever changed… and yes, it may be bad already as far as what is happening, but when you are wanting more than anything to HAVE your family be together and wanting it to work out… not wanting the insecurity and instability affecting your kids that comes from broken homes and being shifted around – the hurts, resentments, feeling helpless and out of control or even feeling that somehow they are to blame… you are still wanting to protect your kids and wanting them to be happy and wanting them to have a family… even if it’s not a perfect family, you still WANT them to have that foundation in their life… you still WANT them to know what it is to have a family and to have that as an example for them… so how can you have that example or tell them to work through their own issues as an adult with their own family when you didn’t do it?
It’s complicated I know, but it’s still a terrible cross to bear – and the reality is that it isn’t anything any child should HAVE to go through… and I can speak of this because I DID go through it growing up & there was abuse by my dad & it was still devastating to lose our family. I was 13 at the time and I didn’t have a good relationship with my dad but it took me years to really understand what had taken place and to actually understand HOW it had affected my mom and being able to forgive her for leaving and what I perceived as HER destroying our family.
So you see, it isn’t always as easy and cut and dried as you might think, even if the kids are old enough to understand – it doesn’t mean they won’t be hurt by it. All I know is emotional and verbal abuse is very hard to “prove” to other people because it can be so easily disguised and manipulated by the abuser as just being an argument or a difference of opinion or flat out denial, etc. but when you see a CONSISTENT pattern of behavior that continually blames you and criticizes you and is hostile towards you and just makes you feel like you cannot do anything right then you are dealing with a very angry person… and generally where someone is very angry and reacts in negative ways, belittling and ignoring, acting indifferent… just in a very cold and uncaring manner with no regard for common courtesy or respect, you are dealing with someone who doesn’t care HOW they treat you and someone who doesn’t even believe that you DESERVE to be treated fairly or with respect then you are dealing with an ABUSER!
You can try everything under the sun to make things better & figure out why they do what they do but until they see their own actions for what they are – ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR – they WILL NOT CHANGE and the temper tantrums, tirades, and treatment will only get worse.
It is easy to SAY that you would leave an abuser or you would never live like that – but it is much HARDER to do in reality… there is so much more at stake. You have your future and your security and your life up to this point and everything that it entails. You have your children to consider… and you have all the memories of your life together and the idea that somehow it could be different. In my case, that is 25 years… I have cards and letters he wrote that tell me how much he loved me… words that I took to HEART!!! Words that I believed… I have the memories of all the holidays, raising our 3 children – and providing the best home that we could for them despite OUR differences & problems… As much as you truly do WANT a better life and you WANT the abuse to stop, that doesn’t mean you WANT a life WITHOUT this person… to leave the bad is also to permanently leave everything that is and was ever good as well – a huge part of your life that you may not be ready to walk away from completely.
And therein lies the difficulty… do you keep hanging on waiting for it to change and be different or do you take a stand and leave while you still have a chance for happiness? Do you want to spend the next 25 years with someone that doesn’t love you – just WAITING for them to LOVE you and treat you right – or go find someone who CAN love you? I do not know what my future holds. Sometimes I just want to be somewhere else because I feel so unloved – but even so, there is a lot that goes into 25 years together with someone, good & bad… and it goes deeper than any words can explain.
THIS PERSON WAS the “love of my life!”… In the beginning, he could be so sweet, so affectionate… where did that person go? We were best friends, so close, inseparable… we believed in each other, wanted the other person to be happy!… How does that just disappear and fall by the wayside?
People on the outside will always question HOW you can love an abuser… and I think I just explained it above as best as I could. I think it was the French philosopher Pascal who said, “The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of”….and I think that pretty much says it all… we CANNOT explain WHY or HOW we LOVE someone… we just DO!!! And all we can hope for is that the other person will care enough about having a healthy relationship to do the same!
(ZIMBABWE) Thank you NN. I have been in the same situation though for fifteen years and had all those questions and friends and relatives always told me to start a new life, but your letter helped me so much. I am not saying the abuse is good but that perseverance and strongness has put a new strength in my life. What I can say is our God is not deaf that he can hear. You have developed patience that few people have. Don’t worry; it’s a matter of time before God replies and he will restore you all the years stolen from you.
(UNITED STATES) I have recently gotten married. We did not spend a lot of time getting to know each other but we knew we wanted to be married. I am 46 and he is 48 and this is my second marriage and his 3rd. I am writing to receive help on how to deal with the accusations of cheating when I am not and the condescending way I am spoken to. I feel helpless and don’t know how to defend myself.
I never know when his accusations will come up. We could be having a great day and BAM he accuses me. The verbal abuse comes in quiet tones and sometimes in anger. I have left him several times because I was afraid he would put his hands on me (he has not done that yet). When I come back to try to work things out, it will last for several weeks and then the cycle starts all again. Now, (I pray deeply I am wrong) I believe he is having an affair. I can forgive the affair, I am concerned that a child will be a result of the affair. I need some help with prayer. Divorce is not an option, so please do not suggest that. Please send some scripture or a word of counsel. Thank you, Christine