“The old saying ‘opposites attract’ is often true. The difficulty is once they marry they drive each other crazy. Our opposites tend to fascinate us because they add variety to life and pull us from our comfortable rut of familiarity.

Opposites stretch us beyond ourselves, forcing us to broaden our horizons. They add depth and provide opportunities for growth. It’s from them that we learn our most difficult lessons. They expose us to thoughts, feelings, and experiences that are foreign to us. They balance our lopsidedness and make us more complete.” (Dr Steve Stephens)

Too often we don’t think about the fact that our differences can actually be a blessing to our lives rather than just a source of irritation. So for the next 2 weeks we’d like to share with you 10 areas of differences that couples often encounter in their married lives (5 this week and 5 next week) as explained by author Dr Steve Stephens in his book Marriage: Experience the Best (which is out of print unfortunately).

We hope you’ll look through this list together with your spouse and use it as a time to engage in healthy (and even productive) discussion as marital partners.

We’ve found it to be helpful in our own marriage when we’ve really examined our differences because as you recognize them you aren’t so quick to think they’re doing certain things the opposite of how you do them just to “irritate you.” It helps you as you learn to adapt and work together on these issues as you purposefully talk about them.

As Dr Stephens points out, “Differences are healthy but they’re also frustrating. The biggest frustrations come when we start thinking of opposites in terms of right and wrong. What that usually means is “I’m right, you’re wrong.”

He goes on to say, “In working with people, I’ve discovered that most couples have little understanding and no tolerance for differences. They want each other to think and act as they do. They’re astonished that someone would actually approach life differently and think it was okay. So they begin a process of trying to convert their partner to the ‘right way’ or the ‘best way.’

This is like trying to convince a Norwegian that Egyptian is the right language or someone who’s Japanese that Spanish is best. It’s not an issue of right or best—just different. As couples, we need to acknowledge our differences and accept them.” With that said, as Dr Stephens challenges all of us, “Look through the list and try to find which differences apply to you and your mate:”

EXTROVERTS VS INTROVERTS: Extroverts love crowds—the more people, the merrier. They’re expressive and frequently think out loud. Introverts, on the other hand, would rather spend the evening in solitude or with a close friend than go to a party. Being more reserved they tend to think through all the options before talking.

[The author gave the example of one couple where the wife said that she loved people. They energized her. But her husband said, "They wear me out!" This came as a real surprise to his wife and led to a marvelous discussion for them to talk about their differences. She needed to socialize and he needed peace and quiet.

So they looked for ways to meet the needs of both of them. And if nothing else, it helped them to understand each other's needs in a whole new way so they could better appreciate where the other was coming from so they could make it work for them rather than against them in their married lives together.]

[As the author pointed out, his wife was an extrovert and he was an introvert. He's learned to appreciate that about his wife and said, "I'm glad I married an extrovert. She pulls me out of my solitary ways and encourages me to socialize". And on the other hand he can help her to be more balanced in how much she socializes so she doesn't wear herself out and can also learn to appreciate quiet at times—much like the Mary and Martha situation in the Bible in Luke 10.]

LEAPERS VS LOOKERS: Leapers take risks. When they see an opportunity they want to jump on it before it’s too late. They appear to be fearless, or at least oblivious to potential danger. Lookers are more cautious than leapers. They like to carefully check everything out before making a decision. They gather information, analyze, ponder, consider options, question, ruminate, evaluate consequences, pray, investigate, and then decide.

Another common difference between these two approaches to life is that leapers like new and unique experiences, while lookers like the comfortable and familiar. Leapers help lookers stretch and grow. Lookers help leapers think and plan before they leap. We need each other.

OUTLINERS VS DETAILERS: Outliners have a general focus and look at the big picture. They think in terms of direction and getting things done. Detailers look at the nuts and bolts. Their concern is how to get things done. Outliners are abstract thinkers who see the whole forest, while detailers are concrete thinkers who see the individual trees. Outliners develop outlines and detailers fill in the outlines with details. Both perspectives are important.

[The author talked about how he and his wife learned to make their differences work for them while vacationing as they decided to drive from Portland, Oregon, to Disneyland. He developed a big picture for their trip and his wife began questioning the details. He said to her, "We'll get there and we'll get back. That's what's most important."

But then he went on to say, "The big picture was most important to me, but the details were important to her. She came alongside me and filled in all the holes in my agenda. I created an outline and she breathed life into it. Without the outline we would have no direction, but the outline would break down with the details.]

SPENDERS VS SAVERS: Many couples argue over money, especially if one is a spender and the other a saver. If spenders have money, they want to spend. Sometimes they use it on themselves, but they might also give it away to friends or worthy causes. Savers save for some future rainy day. They don’t like to spend unless it’s very important.

It seems that more often than not, rather than two spenders or two savers in a marriage, there’s a spender and a saver. The spender views the saver as a parental tightwad always saying no. The spender wishes their partner would relax and have a little more fun.

The saver views the spender as irresponsible, impulsive, and extravagant. The saver fears their spouse will drive them into bankruptcy. If these two can learn to work together as a team, they would soon discover that there’s a time to spend and a time to save.

PLANNERS VS FLEXERS: Planners love structure. They want everything organized and neatly packaged. They like schedules and deadlines. They want their life to be neat and tidy. Their philosophy is, “There’s a place for everything and everything has its place.”

Flexers bend with the flow of life. They see planners as being rigid and over-controlling. They tend to be more spontaneous and laid back. They take things as they come. Benders don’t worry about schedules or deadlines. Loose ends don’t bother them because things will work out. Planners frequently see this as lazy and irresponsible.

[This is an area of marriage that can be especially troublesome when a planner is married to a flexer. But ask God to help you to work through this-showing those of you who are planners how to be "dispenser's of grace" to your "flexer" spouse, as 1 Peter 4:10 points out.

For those of you who are flexers, ask God to help you to "go the extra mile", as Matthew 5:41 points out, in ministering to the needs of your "planner" spouse. It will probably be a life-long challenge for the both of you—which will take LOVING perseverance.]

These are just a few of the many differences that crop up between a husband and wife. Differences can be a wonderful strength to a marriage. They create a balance if each spouse is willing to work together as a team. If a couple stands back to back, they can use their differences to battle life. When they stand face to face, these differences turn inward and partners then battle each other.

Accepting and appreciating our partner’s differences sends a strong message of positive regard (which is something husbands and wives need from each other).

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We pray this message has been helpful to your marriage. Next week we’ll explore this topic a little further. Our love and prayers are with you as together we work to make our marriages the best they can be because of the love of God.Steve and Cindy Wright