Marriage in itself is difficult when everything is going about its “normal” course. But when you are raising a disabled child, there is a different dynamic involved that can cause added strain to your relationship.
We received a letter here at Marriage Missions that asked us to consider writing about this topic and finding help. She wrote:
“I am in a second marriage and my stepchild has a disability (autism). I know many marriages end in divorce when there is a child with a disability. I am dealing with a second marriage, which is hard enough, but this is one with a stepchild with autism.
“My husband is often in denial about his adult son with autism. I have never seen an article relating to this on any Christian website — I have looked! With so many kids being diagnosed with autism today (for boys it is every 1 in 93 births) and so many marriages ending in divorce I can’t be the only one struggling with this.”
To help those of you who are dealing with marriage challenges that occur when a child in your home is disabled, we have found several articles that we believe you will find insightful. You can read them by clicking onto the links provided below:
Now, you may not have thought of the blessings that can come from having a child with Autism, but Crosswalk.com writer, Kim Wright tells of the many that she has learned, one of them being:
“[My son] Morgan’s misbehavior and antics brought to the surface some ugly attitudes in me and the children that we dealt with including lessons on: learning to deal with a handicapped person, dealing with frustration, anger, and irresponsible behavior. Learning to Act rather than react.”
Children have a way of doing that — especially those who bring additional challenges into the family, but marriages can do that as well. As author, Norm Wright says (which we TOTALLY agree with):
“Marriage exposes and reveals who you really are when you enter into that covenant relationship. All the hidden places, and yes, defects too, will be made obvious. You’ll be ‘found out.’”
… which brings us to another blessing the Kim Wright has found has come out of her son’s Autism, concerning her marriage. She writes:
“My husband and I have been drawn together as we sought answers and practical help. We have not allowed this to separate us, but have chosen for this to anchor us to the Lord and to each other.”
To read more, please click onto:
• THE BLESSING OF PARENTING A CHILD WITH AUTISM
It’s important to look realistically at the impact that disabled children can have upon a marriage. It’s difficult, but not impossible to make your marriage a good one if you both decide you will not allow it to “divide and conquer” you in your relationship with each other. Sheri and Bob Stritof discuss this in the About.com article they wrote on this subject. They bring up the point:
“You and your spouse will be adjusting in different ways, and often at a difference pace. Sometimes your spouse will want to talk about the situation, and then other times may need time alone.”
To read more, please click onto:
• THE IMPACT OF A DISABLED CHILD ON YOUR MARRIAGE
Lisa, a mother of a son with Autism, writes of the impact this has had on her and her husband, plus other marriages as well. She tells a very sad fact:
“The divorce rate among couples who have a child diagnosed with autism is estimated to be around 80 per cent. That is huge. The reasons are obvious. Marriage is hard enough without adding autism to the mix. All-consuming therapies, medical treatments and financial stress can become the focus… the center of family life… and the result can be disastrous to the marriage.”
To read what Lisa has learned, please click onto:
• CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE AND AUTISM
Mary Darr, a Christianity Today writer has found her marriage blessed as well as she and her husband have purposed for it to. She writes:
“My husband and I are super close, and one of the reasons is because of Hannah. Our whole family is closer because of Hannah. We’re a team; together we figure things out.”
To learn more, please click onto:
• UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH MAURA WEIS
We also found a Resource List that will help those dealing with Autism in their family. It is put together by the great ministry of Joni and Friends Joniandfriends.org.
However, if you are dealing with a different type of disability that is affecting your marriage, you can put that term into their “Site Search” to see what they make available to help you. Please click onto the link provided below to find:
And for those of you who would like to help your church to help couples who have disabled children, read the following concerning churches that have done this successfully:
We would greatly appreciate it if you would share your insights in the comment section provided below to help those who are dealing with various marriage challenges as they raise their disabled children. Or perhaps you are facing challenges in your own marriage and want to reach out in community for prayer and/or advice. We hope you will “Join the Discussion” and share what is on your heart.
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(USA) I’m not sure how having a child with a disability makes marriage any harder. It is just like any other stressor in your life (a bad job, family relationships) and surely offers a chance to grow in the Lord.
(UNITED STATES) It is NOT like any other marital stress! My child is physically handicapped with Arthrogryposis. I have to help her bathe, dress, clean herself in the bathroom, wash her face, brush her teeth, brush and wash her hair, pick things up, sometimes eat when she can’t reach, cut her food. I get her up in the morning, and put her to bed at night. My husbands only help is sometimes getting her a snack and on occasions dinner when I am busy.
I have been married for 20 years and only now as he gets older and lazier I am becoming angry. He could do more. He could have read books to her. I asked and he wouldn’t do it! He takes no active part in her life. I am everything and I resent it! She doesn’t even think to tell him good night after I get her ready for bed. I used to tell her to go say good night. I recently gave up. Why bother?
He has never walked into her room to say good night. He is a lump that brings in money. I am supposed to divide my time between him and the kids and to be honest, I don’t care to anymore. I would rather take up his time for ME. Me is very much a person I don’t know anymore!
(USA) You must not have a child with a disability.
(USA) Having a child with a disability is a very different type of stress. My husband and I have 2 children, one with disabilities, and one without. Marriage in today’s society is hard enough, but add the constant care and stress of even a “normal” child and it changes things. Add disabilities to that mix, and it becomes very hard to keep each other a priority. I would encourage anyone who does not have a child with disabilities not to assume that it is no different than any other stessful situation in a marraige, but to really speak with, and learn from those of us with firsthand knowledge of just how big an issue it can be in your marraige.
(USA) I married a man that I thought was perfect for me 3 years ago after being single for 15 years My biologic children are grown and happy. The challenge is as he told me, his 2 remaining minor children were “special needs.” The first age 17 (adopted at age 6 months) now was described as “socially clumsy” and “mildly retarded”, the second now age 11 his biologic child as “autistic” but with “great capabilities”.
We have them every other weekend and for 2 weeks in summer After 6 months of marriage the down hill slide began. The mother sent the children more and more often for over night visits and frequently asks for extended weekend stays. I work often 50 hrs weekly and have a 1 hr commute to and from work. I have had these two kids every holiday for 2 years!
The 17 year old has had a pattern of acting out destruction and self harm during family events and ruins every single birthday holiday and special occasion (I learned all this after the “I DO”). The 17 year old became more and more physically and emotionally unstable. Diagnosis after 4 long term admits and the physical abuse of the 11 year old and the animal abuse of our pets as schizo-affectuive, aspergers, impulsive with frontal lobe learning disorder “non verbal learning disorder. The last 3 years have been sheer hell, periods of household destruction, fear to sleep at night when she is in our home and then eventually having her placed at a behavioral center because she is a physical risk to the safety of the 11 year old the pets and to herself.
The 11 year old cannot speak a sentence, she often smells of urine and stool. Her room is uninhabitable, and after a stay she tears all the toys books and clothing from the drawers and then walks all over the mess she has to be locked in her room at night for “wandering.” She has flooded the house by turning faucets on and plugging toilest repeatedly she caused several thousand dollars in damage to walls and furnishings over last 2 years. She eats constantly and is after 11 years incontinent of urine and stool she cannot write or communicate she cannot dress herself she cannot be left alone she must ALWAYS have a 1:1 or else she will injure herself or damage something.
My husband often falls asleep when I am at work and the children have roamed the house damaging floors walls computers televisions and anything not nailed down. I have grown to HATE to see them come I have NO rest or peace when they are around and after they leave I spend 3 days cleaning the mess and washing stool off laundry and walls. THE CLEAN UP IS SICKENING. Sometimes the stench is so foul. The bedroom of the 11 year old is uninhabitable for several days after her visits. I hate their visits because it is ALWAYS some drama, a constant mess, and no PEACE. I am drained exhausted and heart broken. Had I known what I know today I would have run screaming. My feels have caused strain with me and my spouse. I would never ask him to choose his children over me and feel I would rather be alone than live the way I do. I think of seperation daily, and feel I need help for the depression I feel daily. GOD HELP ME.