“Are you turning outside of your marital relationship to meet a sexual need? If you are then you’re committing adultery.” Those were the words of Dr Phil McGraw on the Oprah Show. He gave it as a barometer for infidelity along with the 2nd question: “Would you do it with your partner standing right next to you?”

They’re both good questions to be considered very seriously. According to recent studies they say over seventeen and a half million people visit a porn internet site in one month. Something that God created exclusively for a husband and wife is being prostituted within homes all over the world in an alarming and ever growing number.

Unfortunately, it’s not just those who might be labeled as “sleazy” who go to the Internet to be entertained sexually. It’s also “fine upstanding Christians” and many of them married none-the-less, who visit these sights (and a huge percentage of them are in Christian ministry). But before any of us throw stones at those who are in ministry, as if they alone should hold to a higher standard we need recognize that anyone who is a follower of Jesus Christ is called to a higher standard. (Read Colossians 3:1-8, 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-8, and 1 John 2:15-17.)

As Christians, we’re called to expose darkness, not play in it. (Read Ephesians 5: 8-16, Luke 11:34-36, Matthew 6:22-23, and Galatians 5:16-21.) All too often, those that confess Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord are participating with the enemy of our faith by choosing to entertain themselves with that which none of us has any business exposing ourselves to. We need to turn from that which would offend the Lord and should offend us. We need to flee from it as the Bible tells us.

Jerry Jenkins in his book, Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It made an excellent point on this issue. He said, “The fact is that most Christian men do not have victory over lust. I have a theory about that. Scripture does not imply that we ever shall have victory over lust the way we are expected to win over worry or greed or malice. Rather, Paul instructs Timothy, and thus us, not to conquer or stand and fight, or pray about or resolve, but to flee lust.”

The book goes into more detail; but the point is, lusting for anyone other than our spouse is sin —no matter what form it comes in. And we must have no part of it.

Sin can be defined as:

“whatever: weakens your sense of reasoning, impairs the tenderness of your heart, obscures your sense of God, or, takes away your desire for spiritual things. In short, if anything increases the authority of the flesh over the Spirit, no matter how good it is in and of itself — that to you is sin.” (Susanna Wesley).

Tragically, too many Christians are in denial that they’re doing anything wrong when they take place in visible adultery and participate in viewing, and reading that which God would value as blatant sin. (And this not only includes pornography, but watching soap operas and reading romance novels that titillate the senses and brings “others” into your marital sexual relationship [by fantasizing] that has no business being there.)

Sin is too easily “normalized” by those who are in denial. Larry Crabb Jr. once said, “To achieve his purpose, Satan has one central strategy: encouraging us to focus on everything but the one thing that provides God the platform to fully reveal his grace—our sin. Satan encourages us to:

• Notice another’s sin more than our own.
• Define sin as less heinous than it really is—perhaps regarding it as understandable, in some cases even desirable.
• Explain sin as a legitimate reactions to life’s disappointments and, therefore, worthy more of compassion than judgment.
• Treat sin as something merely naughty, like a childish prank.
• Evaluate sin as a merely regrettable path to legitimate relief from pressure and pain— a path made necessary by whoever designed the world.

As long as we “feel our pain more deeply than we feel the pain we cause God” we live in disillusionment of what it means to be a follower of Christ. And when we apply this to our sexual behavior outside of the sanctity of marriage, we deeply grieve the heart of God.

Sexuality experienced exclusively in the covenantal relationship of marriage (with the husband and wife only—with no one else being involved in any way) is wonderful, and beautiful, and sanctioned by God. There are references all throughout the Bible of the Lord’s blessing being upon those who are married who keep the marital bed “undefiled.”

There’s a great chapter in the book, Intimate Issues… Conversations Woman to Woman that defines Biblically “What’s Not Okay in Bed.” There are some other books we highly recommend on the subject of sexuality within marriage. We recommend:

• Intended for Pleasure — Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage By Dr Ed Wheat,
• Love Life for Every Married Couple by Dr Ed Wheat,
• The Act of Marriage — the Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye, and
• Pure Pleasure by Billand Pam Farrel and Jim and Sally Conway, just to name a few.

It’s our prayer that you’ll take this marriage message and sit down with your spouse. Read through all of this and discuss it seriously. Look up and read every scripture verse together, (along with the additional scripture verses we’ll give), and discuss how it applies to this subject of sexuality within and outside of marriage. And if you have a problem with this area of your life, get help NOW. Go to a counselor; find a spiritual friend who will be an accountability partner with you over this area of your life. Confess your sins to one another. “Healing occurs once sin is exposed because the power is broken.”

Some additional Bible verses to discuss would be: Philippians 2:3-7, Romans 15:1-2, Romans 12:9-10, Hebrews 13:1-2, 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8.

And lastly, we’d like to leave you with some thoughts and additional scriptures that were discussed in the book, Every Man’s Battle— Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker (which again, we HIGHLY recommend). It reads:

“If you want to change, recognize that you’re impure because you’ve diluted God’s standard of sexual purity with your own. God’s standard is that we avoid every hint of sexual immorality in our lives. Because our own standards on sexual purity have been so mixed with God’s, and since many Christians don’t read their Bibles very often, many men have no clue about God’s standard for sexual purity.”

Did you know that we’re commanded to avoid sexual impurity in nearly every book of the New Testament? The following is a selection of passages that teach God’s concern for our sexual purity: Matthew 5:28; Mark 7:21-23; Acts 15:29; Romans 13:12-13; 1 Corinthians 5:11; 1 Corinthians 6:13; 1 Corinthians 6:18; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5: 16,19; Ephesians 5:3-4; Colossians 3:5-6; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5,7; Hebrews 12:16; Hebrews 13:4 1 Peter 4:3; Jude 7; Revelation 2:14; Revelation 2:20; Revelation 21:8.

It’s our prayer that this has been helpful to you.
Steve and Cindy Wright

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