I’ve worked with couples who don’t survive infidelity. There are many reasons they don’t, but one of the consistent themes running through these marriages is that the person who had the affair didn’t commit to being monogamous in the future. S/he never said, “I won’t do this again, I promise.” Some people fail to say these words because they think it’s self-evident. Others don’t promise this change because they’re too proud.
Whatever the reason, failing to promise monogamy makes your partner wonder whether the two of you are on the same page about the future of your marriage. So, don’t hold back. If you can honestly say that you’re committed to being monogamous, let your partner know in no uncertain terms that that is your plan.
SHARE DETAILS: If your spouse is the sort of person who requires lots of information in order to feel better about the affair, you should be honest. I know this is very difficult and you may be tempted to withhold information, thinking that you’re protecting your spouse. But many in your spouse’s shoes have said that the worst part of the infidelity were the lies and deception that followed the disclosure. It’s time for you to come clean and clear the air. As tough as that might be, it’s a lot easier than lying, covering up, and being discovered again. That corrodes trust tremendously. So share, even if it hurts.
Sometimes you’ll question whether sharing information is a good idea because your spouse reacts so badly to the things you’ve said. But if your spouse determines that the road to recovery is paved with brutal honesty, that’s the path you need to take no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. There will be times when the two of you will feel close as a result of this new honesty and you’ll begin to feel that your truthfulness has really paid off. Then, just when you though you were out of the woods and the questions would cease, a whole new slew of questions get thrown your way. You feel as if you’re getting the third degree.
Remember, healing is a process, not a quick fix. Just because your spouse was fine on Monday doesn’t mean s/he will be fine on Thursday. It also doesn’t mean that sharing information isn’t working. Some people think, “I told him/her what happened. If that was so useful, why is s/he still having a problem and needing to talk about it constantly? That’s just the way improvement happens … in waves. You need to continue to be forthcoming, from now until forever.
OFFER REASSURANCES: Although you may have decided to turn over a new leaf, your spouse is still reacting to what happened. This is completely normal, for now, you owe it to your partner and to yourself to bend over backward to prove your trustworthiness.
You might be thinking to yourself, “I decided to stop the affair and be trustworthy, I don’t know why s/he just doesn’t trust me now.” Your spouse is feeling very insecure right now and needs all the help you give him/her to get back on stable ground. You need to extend yourself—even if you don’t think you should have to—to help your spouse feel more secure. Along these lines, do what your spouse asks. Here are some things s/he might ask of you:
• Call from work often.
• Limit out-of-town travel temporarily.
• Offer complete travel itineraries and phone numbers.
• Carry a pager.
• Talk about your day in detail.
• Spend more time together.
• Be willing to answer any and all questions about the OP and about your whereabouts.
Remember, once your spouse feels more trust in you and in your marriage, many of these requests will stop.
EXPECT UPS AND DOWNS: I really want to emphasize this point. The road to recovery is a zigzag, not a straight line. At first, the bad days will definitely outnumber the good ones. In fact, there may not be any good days to speak of. But slowly, as you begin to talk and make sense of what happened, you will have your positive moments. Moments will turn into days. Then, you will actually have a stretch of a few good days at a time. Just when you start to get optimistic something will happen that will remind your spouse about the affair and bring back those unpleasant feelings.
This rockiness and instability will occur for a very long time. You need to expect that. It doesn’t mean that this problem is insurmountable, it just means that this problem is on its way to being resolved. It happens slowly, much too slowly for you. And what should you do in the meantime?
BE PATIENT: Even though you might feel a great deal of remorse about what happened, there will be times when you have a hard time understanding why your spouse seems intent on hanging on to the affair. From your standpoint, the whole thing is over and you want to just move on. However, if you convey this emotion to your spouse, s/he will feel that you’re not empathetic, that you have no idea what s/he has been going through, and that will set both of you back considerably.
I realize that your need to move on has little to do with your insensitivity. In fact, one of the primary reasons you want to put the past in the past is because you don’t want to see the hurt on your partner’s face any longer. But be that as it may, you have to move at your spouse’s pace. You won’t be able to speed things along with your anger.
Continue to answer questions and be reassuring. If your spouse still wants to know where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing, continue offering information. It won’t last forever, even though it seems that way right now. This is a transitional period. There has been major breach of trust and it takes time to heal. Be patient, be loving, be responsive, and you will get through this.
Marriage Missions’ Editors Note: We want to conclude this article by giving you a few additional thoughts that may help in this battle of rebuilding trust:
• Advice that Dr Phil McGraw (Dr. Phil Show, “You’re Not the Person I Married” aired 12/5/02) gave a husband who had an adulterous affair:
“I’m gong to tell you, one guy to another, if you really want this marriage to work, you gotta get real with her, and you’ve got to get real with yourself, because you’re kind of trying to gloss this over a little bit and hope that it goes away, but let me tell you, my wife told me something a long time ago that I’ve never forgotten. She said, ‘Women have a real long memory.’ And you have, brick by brick by brick, constructed a wall between the two of you with your past behavior. And I’ll tell you what it takes, and if you hear not another word I say today, hear this, OK?
“Number one, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. They hide nothing, mentally, emotionally, physically, behaviorally. They’re an absolute open book. Just whatever you want to know about me, I’m here. I’m just completely, totally open. And unless and until you do that—and it’s not just a matter of ‘if he’s over eating pizza when he says he’s eating pizza’—it’s a matter of everything being honest and truthful with you. It starts with being totally open and totally transparent.
“And the second thing—and this may be the most important thing of all—She will never, ever, ever get beyond what has happened unless and until she knows you have heard her. Until she knows that you get the gravity of what you have done and are doing, she will never, ever, ever be anything but the picture of pain you’re looking at right now.”
• Another thought to consider:
“It’s difficult to forgive 10 gallons worth of hurt when your spouse is only asking for a pint of forgiveness” (Dr. Roger Barrier — Casas Adobes Baptist Church).
The point is, there’s still a lot more emotional work that needs to be done before the person who’s hurting truly feels you understand the enormity of what’s been inflicted upon them. But when they feel you understand—that you really, truly get it, and are absolutely sorry, then REAL healing and hope for a brighter future comes into the relationship.
Scripture verses to consider:
• He who conceals his sins does not prosper but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy (Proverbs 28:13).
• Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it is in your power to act. (Proverbs 3:27)
• Jesus said, “If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles” (Matthew 5:41).
• An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips (Proverbs 24:26).
• Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. (Phil. 2:3).
• The following advice comes from the excellent book, “When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages” by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott (published by Zondervan Publishing). This is advice for spouses whose marriages have been jolted by an extra-marital affair. The first is:
To the spouse who had the affair:
• First and foremost, sever all contact with the third party immediately.• Clear boundaries need to be established if you’re wanting to rebuild the trust you have broken with your partner.
• You must be willing to answer any questions from your spouse. This isn’t because your partner needs to know all the details of what went on, but they do need to know they have your willingness to give them the details.
• Openness to questioning shows respect, honor, and equality. It shows that you can be trusted in the future.
To the spouse who has remained faithful:
• You should only ask questions if you really want the truth. Some things may be better left alone if you can do it.• You must also steer clear of the temptation down the road to use any information you ask for as a way to beat up your partner for other problems.
• Realize that it may take years to absorb the emotional impact of what has happened. Adultery isn’t something you can get over quickly. It’s important to give yourself plenty of recovery time.”
• Also, below are several links to articles posted on various web sites that you might find helpful as you work to rebuild trust. Please click onto the links provided below to read:
The first portion of this article came from the book, The Divorce Remedy… The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage, by Michele Weiner Davis. It was published by Simon & Schuster. Although this book does not come from a “Christian” perspective, most
of the principles presented are very solid. She teaches you how to identify specific marriage-saving goals, move beyond ineffective, hurtful ways of interacting, and become an expert on “doing what works.”
Inspirational anecdotes and in-depth case studies show how couples have used these techniques to save their marriages, and how you can use these same techniques to rescue yours. The author also offers solution-oriented strategies for readers to cope with infidelity, and midlife crises. And if you think you partner already has a foot out the door, this proven program is a recipe for change, even if only you participate.
(NOTE: While we agree with about 95% of what this book presents, we do disagree with some of Michelle’s advice to couples who face an Internet Pornography problem. But, even so, we recommend this book to couples because the rest of the advice is very helpful.)
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(USA) I have been unfaithful to my wife on several occasions over the years. I am grieving the hurt I’ve put her and my children through and found the advice on this article to be so helpful. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge on this tragic subject and reality in marriages, even among Christians.
(U.S.A) My husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker even though he does not see it as an affair. I saw e-mails between them that lasted about 2 months. It has been a year now but I still feel so hurt and I tend to bring up the issue almost all the time. He has apologized and does not speak or work at the same place with the lady anymore. Some days I am fine, some days, I am so angry and the e-mails keep playing before my eyes. I am finding it extremely hard to believe anything he says.
(South Africa) It is difficult to get over the fact that your loving husband has been having an affair with someone who caused you a lot of pain before. It is especially difficult when you read correspondence between them that is very intimate and personal.
All that time he was a loving husband at home as well. I start wondering whether he has a split personality to be able to do that successfully. I wonder whether he can really get over her when their relationship was that intense. I really feel sorry for everyone who is going through the pain I am going through right now.
I do believe that God will help me carry it with dignity and eventually feel better. I love my husband very dearly and would like to stop thinking about them together and what she meant to him. I would like to be able to concentrate on rebuilding trust in our relationship
My husband had an affair from March -May of 08′ and then another one in December of 08′. He then continued with pursuing other women not even caring about them but just pursuing. I have been praying for trust. It is so hard. I have to keep reminding myself that God is using everything good and bad to bring Himself glory. It hurts so much and I want nothing more than healing. It’s hard to know how to go on.
(THE WEST INDIES) In 2005 my husband of eight years had an affair with his co-worker. He came one day and told me he was leaving me and our son, and he did. After 3 years of being apart he is asking me to take him back. I kept on praying and never gave up hope because what God has join together no one can pull apart. So for every marriage that is going through struggles don’t give up… It can only work if you work it.
(USA) My roommate is acting as if I had an affair. We were a couple for about 3 months and living together, then broke up and then a few months later became roommates for over 3 years.
When I began to date someone, I moved out. It’s now 6 months later and I am single and now the old roommate wants to be a couple but she acts as if I had an affair. As roommates she would not open up to her and I being a couple and even told me to go out, find a girl, be a man.
When I did she nearly had a stroke. This article AFTER THE AFFAIR is a great read for those who need to know the best things to do and say… not sure how it will help me, but I hope I never need to use the info.
(USA) This is a great site, thank you for creating it. MARRIAGE = DESTRUCTION OF RELATIONSHIP. I am truly touched via the posting on this forum, literally found by accident, but the sadness was to see how many people still seemingly believe one can forget and forgive, or love another’s child (from adultery). This post is from real life with a historical viewpoint which is based on facts.
We must go back 28 years ago for my history. We are a family– husband, daughter (1 yr old) and wife. The life is not unusual; matter of fact very “apple pie.” Summer 1981 it’s a hot one in Brooklyn, the wife of 7 years expresses honey need some time to relax as a mother. I granted her the freedom to be with her girlfriends. Well, this freedom was to be the entire summer of 1981.
I noticed her demeanor changed; she became so loving prior to going out for the evening. Why, can I cook you a meal? I gave daughter a bath etc. I do not know but a feeling came over me something wasn’t right. Why, anybody here who underwent this knows this and the yearning to ask. Then I guess guilt or who knows what but one night she literally called out in her sleep “Ohhh Gregory.”
I then asked her a week later “have you been cheating?” She responded yes; it was a guy called “Gregory” to whom she met dancing. The nightly freedom trysts became a habit. My wife would go dancing at the club, dancing with Gregory, drinking, dinner, then to his place for intercourse. Then back home to play mommy/wife again.
Well, I guess the next 4 months was the usual thing for a cheated on spouse. The rage, anger, hate and the feeling’s to forgive. There would be no sex, love and minimum talking.
Then the big explosion (LEARNING FOR THE FORUM). It became apparent the neighborhood, friends, relatives knew about the affair. So the affair was not private (or a so called one night fling) it was the discussion of many persons. The trysts became an alternate life by wife. I was to be pitied by women and laughed at by men. This came back to me via acquaintances over the years since this period.
FORUM: Over the years I learned this is a factor in decision making to stay/leave/hate or forgive. The cheating spouse wonders: was it a fling in private, a public affair, and God, with the internet — are your loved one’s pictures on a My Space or a Face Book site via a cell phone camera picture?
The next 2 years there would be no sex, love, holidays (personal and calendar). There would be discussions between us; she never wanted to be completely open always stating it’s in the past, why don’t you forget it? I was so tired of taking care of house and child, I needed a relaxation period.
My responses were you [are with] another guy, and I go to work sometimes for 16 hrs and have no thoughts of cheating on you. Then as another posted here, the man forced me to have sexual intercourse with him (THIS IS LAUGHABLE AS MANY TIMES TOLD HER TO CALL THE POLICE AND CHARGE RAPE SHE REFUSED). We supposedly are a couple I told her. The usual was no responses.
FORUM: THE FOLLOWING IS OFTEN EMPLOYED BY CHEATER, WHY CAN’T YOU GET OVER IT? THE OBVIOUSLY LET’S TURN IT AROUND; IT’S YOUR FAULT AND THE EVER GOOD, IT WAS FORCED SEX EXCUSE. I learned this over the years from many a professional counselor.
Well, it’s now 1982 there is nothing left. I guess God intervened this time. Go pour yourself a coffee or drink at this time. I was driving down the street and guess who comes out of a tavern with a man? It’s wifey poo. I kept driving and never addressed it.
But in the coming weeks I found out there would be no nightly trysts but sex replaced with behind dumpsters, junkyards or ever so convenient oral in car. This came from mutual friends, and was made factual over the years.
FORUM: ANOTHER LESSON LEARNED FROM MANY A COUNSELOR; THE CHEATING SPOUSE HAS TAKEN DOWN THE BOUNDARIES OF MARRIAGE. A FORGIVEN SPOUSE MAY NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR AGAIN, BUT THE PLUMBER IS GAME FOR A ONE TIME FLING. THE EXPRESSION ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER CAN BE VERY VERY APPLICABLE WHEN YOU CONSIDER A LIFETIME TOGETHER WITHOUT BOUNDARIES.
One day as she was coming down the stairs at home, she fell down the entire flight. There was to be no injury. I simply laughed out loud for a long and hard period. At this point I simply walked out of the home with nothing but my pride intact. IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH, DIVORCE ETC.
So who applied for the divorce, it was her not me, can you imagine this? Now get ready “Gregory moved in with her a week after my leaving.” There would be the usual application irreconcilable differences” as reason for divorce on paperwork. The adultery issue is worth nothing in court. Then the alimony and child support order in excess of 65% of my salary which further made myself a victim and hardship.
Well, as a professional I decided it was time to de-stress life so I got a SRO (single room occupancy) and got employment at a hamburger joint. The payments went from 623 a week to 55 a week. Why her recourse court again for an attempted amendment. The judge asked why “I simply responded I needed to have no responsibilities”. That was accepted.
FORUM: ANOTHER FACT LEARNED: EMPLOYMENT IS FROM SLOPPING HAMBURGERS TO HEART SURGERY IN DIVORCE COURT. IF YOU ARE A VICTIM PAYING HIGH ALIMONY OR SUPPORT, THERE IS NO NEED TO KEEP BEING THE VICTIM AS THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MENIAL WAGES OR EMPLOYMENT.
Thus this action started the inevitable that continues today. We would see each other briefly for the next year (NO REGRET ON HER PART), before I, with my new wife, decided to relocate. My happiness was to come in a 15 yr old teen, when we married I was 30 yrs old. That was 26 yrs ago, and today wife states “she has no concept of her mistakes” or loss in life.
CHILD=DESTRUCTION OF RELATIONSHIP
A phone call came 5 yrs ago from my daughter it was so hateful and vile. It wasn’t a missing dad one or an update. It was a bunch of rambling sentences. You left mom and me, you gave mom AIDs. How could you do this to mom and me? I am not your daughter.
Gee, I guess mom never told you about Gregory and her. I will be sending to you a million dollars today, since there is no cure for AIDS. I yelled at my wife “honey you have AIDS” and then I hung up.
Now for an historical view, there was suspicion that child was not mine. I am of Latin heritage, she heavily freckled and fair skin. The child had 0% of my attributes, but more of the Gregory fellow. The shocker is her old acquaintances confirmed may indeed not be mine, thus this may have been a factor in the destruction of family unit and her behavior.There has been no further contact with the child.
FORUM: IF YOU SUSPECT YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER GET A DNA HOME TEST KIT SOLD IN THE STORE, SIMPLY SWAB THE CHILD AND YOUR MOUTH AND SEND TO LAB, YOUR WIFE DOESN’T HAVE TO KNOW. YES, CANNOT BE TAKEN INTO COURT BUT WILL GIVE YOU THE BASIS FOR THE FORMAL PATERNITY TEST FOR DIVORCE OR OTHER ACTIONS YOU REQUIRE.
WOMEN WHOM HAVE ANOTHER MAN’S CHILD IN MARRIAGE WERE FOR CENTURIES WERE DISOWNED BY LOVED ONES. THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE. THE ACCEPTANCE OF ANOTHER MANS SPERM IN A WIFE FOR CHILDBEARING IS NOT ONLY MORALLY WRONG, BUT IN VIOLATION OF NATURAL STATE. WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT ANOTHER MAN CHILD TO WHOM MAY HAVE DIED OR LEFT, WE ARE TALKING ADULTERY AND ANOTHER MAN’S BABY.
Conclusion with 26 year historical view with professional overview and concurrence:There really is no forgiving/forgetting. It really should be called “festering” for life, suspicion for life, never knowing for life. There is the fact, the cheated on spouse may silently suffer the mental torment, while smiling on the outside.
A cheater is always a cheater, the ability to have others without feeling as the boundaries are gone. DNA is critical to child bearing, there is no such thing as raising another’s child, especially in marriage. We are animals and as such if we were not advanced via evolution would kill the offspring of another. The raising of another man’s child in many states is more of a commitment in years than serving a prison sentence for murder.
An old practice made illegal in the 1900’s a wife could undergo genital mutilation as a form of commitment, while I am not a supporter of such practices it offers the spouse certainty of continued marriage vows commitment and in the past not an issue to woman to whom cheated.
TODAY PERSONAL UPDATE:
Ex Wife:
Has AIDS
2 illegitimate children
Lost home and all belonging’s
Gregory was an abuser and beat her on regular basis; they divorced 12 yrs ago with protection orders.
Lives on social services.
Daughter became pregnant at 16 and now lives with illegals.
Myself:
Happily married to my wife for 26 yrs.
2 grown out of house children.
Having the wisdom to know decisions made correct.
Conclusion:
Old time beliefs are good, and proven.
Political correct beliefs or marriage hype based on feel good new wave today’s wisdom leave many that live them in complete misery, I personally have known no less the 20 couples over the years.
Thank you for reading, it’s been a long long journey but one well worth it. I have learned from many professionals, fellow victims and reading’s to take old pain and foster them to new strengths which in turn have made my marriage very strong. There is time for the heart to make decision and the brain to do the same. The brain in the case of adultery should be the first.
It’s amazing how one micro second in decision making can cost ones future.