After 35 years of marriage he now wants a divorce. He has been positively cruel in his rejection of me and shown no interest in any problems back here at home. At the moment I have no idea where he is as he never contacts me unless it is to talk “divorce”. He said he was resigning from his job and I am not sure if this is true as he lies about everything. I have however, been receiving monthly financial support from him for which I am very grateful.

My Question is this: On the 26th Dec 2009 I suddenly got an e-mail from his affair partner saying she does not want to have anything more to do with my husband and he is on his way home. He was “holidaying with her at the time in New Zealand.” I was so shocked to receive this news. My first reaction was to fall on my knees to God and thank him for answered prayers.

Then on the same day I received a phone call from my husband saying he was flying home and would arrive back on the Monday 28th Dec. He promised to never ever leave me again but could not say the words “I love you”. His reason for this was that I would not believe him.

The problem I faced was a) He has returned home twice already over the past few years and has hurt me again every time. b) I had already planned to leave the very next day to holiday with friends and family – a much needed break after the trials of the year.

So I told him I was going away the next day and would not be here when he arrived. I asked him to find somewhere to stay for the week and we would talk when I got back. He then asked me to leave the keys of the house with a friend. I refused and told him we had much to talk about first and we would get together when I returned from my holiday.

Needless to say I have never heard from him again. He has not returned to S. Africa as far as I know. I did however, receive another e-mail from his affair partner saying “Guess what? He is back with me; he will not be leaving as planned.”

What did I do wrong? My heart wants “the man I married” back. The advice I am getting from family and friends is “you deserve better” “he will just hurt you again” “he can never be trusted” etc etc. My God tells my to forget and forgive 70 x 7. I believe God answered my prayers and I have blown it. PLEASE HELP.

It just added fuel to the fire. He had a sexual affair, as well as an emotional affair, that he only told part of the truth about. He said he was sorry one time and showed no remorse. The major thing with me is the constant lying. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he just wants to sweep it under the rug. As for his family they want us apart and to destroy me in the process. To me, he is protecting the emotional affair by all cost. He states he wants his marriage by mouth but no actions. I want him to come clean. He states that he doesn’t want to talk about it because I can use the info against him in a divorce.

Two years ago I got emotionally involved with my workmate who I used to confide in regarding my failures to get married. This year she got pregnant and as a result I ended the relationship and really don’t want to have anything to do with her. I have felt cheated into pregnancy as this was the first time we had sexual relations without protection and it was at her insistance that we didn’t use protection.

She then insisted I confess to the woman I want to marry. I did this confession and my woman decided to terminate the relationship. I am so devastated by the loss of the woman that I have loved for eight years and would like to have her back. I don’t know how but I just want my woman back. I hate this whole thing and just wish I could reverse it. I don’t want anyother woman but my woman whom I have loved this long. She has cut off all communication. I cry everyday for her and just want her back in my life. I truly regret what I have done and would do anything to get her back. If anyone has any suggestions please help as I need my best friend back.

We must go back 28 years ago for my history. We are a family– husband, daughter (1 yr old) and wife. The life is not unusual; matter of fact very “apple pie.” Summer 1981 it’s a hot one in Brooklyn, the wife of 7 years expresses honey need some time to relax as a mother. I granted her the freedom to be with her girlfriends. Well, this freedom was to be the entire summer of 1981.

I noticed her demeanor changed; she became so loving prior to going out for the evening. Why, can I cook you a meal? I gave daughter a bath etc. I do not know but a feeling came over me something wasn’t right. Why, anybody here who underwent this knows this and the yearning to ask. Then I guess guilt or who knows what but one night she literally called out in her sleep “Ohhh Gregory.”

I then asked her a week later “have you been cheating?” She responded yes; it was a guy called “Gregory” to whom she met dancing. The nightly freedom trysts became a habit. My wife would go dancing at the club, dancing with Gregory, drinking, dinner, then to his place for intercourse. Then back home to play mommy/wife again.

Well, I guess the next 4 months was the usual thing for a cheated on spouse. The rage, anger, hate and the feeling’s to forgive. There would be no sex, love and minimum talking.

Then the big explosion (LEARNING FOR THE FORUM). It became apparent the neighborhood, friends, relatives knew about the affair. So the affair was not private (or a so called one night fling) it was the discussion of many persons. The trysts became an alternate life by wife. I was to be pitied by women and laughed at by men. This came back to me via acquaintances over the years since this period.

FORUM: Over the years I learned this is a factor in decision making to stay/leave/hate or forgive. The cheating spouse wonders: was it a fling in private, a public affair, and God, with the internet — are your loved one’s pictures on a My Space or a Face Book site via a cell phone camera picture?

The next 2 years there would be no sex, love, holidays (personal and calendar). There would be discussions between us; she never wanted to be completely open always stating it’s in the past, why don’t you forget it? I was so tired of taking care of house and child, I needed a relaxation period.

My responses were you [are with] another guy, and I go to work sometimes for 16 hrs and have no thoughts of cheating on you. Then as another posted here, the man forced me to have sexual intercourse with him (THIS IS LAUGHABLE AS MANY TIMES TOLD HER TO CALL THE POLICE AND CHARGE RAPE SHE REFUSED). We supposedly are a couple I told her. The usual was no responses.

FORUM: THE FOLLOWING IS OFTEN EMPLOYED BY CHEATER, WHY CAN’T YOU GET OVER IT? THE OBVIOUSLY LET’S TURN IT AROUND; IT’S YOUR FAULT AND THE EVER GOOD, IT WAS FORCED SEX EXCUSE. I learned this over the years from many a professional counselor.

Well, it’s now 1982 there is nothing left. I guess God intervened this time. Go pour yourself a coffee or drink at this time. I was driving down the street and guess who comes out of a tavern with a man? It’s wifey poo. I kept driving and never addressed it.

But in the coming weeks I found out there would be no nightly trysts but sex replaced with behind dumpsters, junkyards or ever so convenient oral in car. This came from mutual friends, and was made factual over the years.

FORUM: ANOTHER LESSON LEARNED FROM MANY A COUNSELOR; THE CHEATING SPOUSE HAS TAKEN DOWN THE BOUNDARIES OF MARRIAGE. A FORGIVEN SPOUSE MAY NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR AGAIN, BUT THE PLUMBER IS GAME FOR A ONE TIME FLING. THE EXPRESSION ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER CAN BE VERY VERY APPLICABLE WHEN YOU CONSIDER A LIFETIME TOGETHER WITHOUT BOUNDARIES.

One day as she was coming down the stairs at home, she fell down the entire flight. There was to be no injury. I simply laughed out loud for a long and hard period. At this point I simply walked out of the home with nothing but my pride intact. IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH, DIVORCE ETC.

So who applied for the divorce, it was her not me, can you imagine this? Now get ready “Gregory moved in with her a week after my leaving.” There would be the usual application irreconcilable differences” as reason for divorce on paperwork. The adultery issue is worth nothing in court. Then the alimony and child support order in excess of 65% of my salary which further made myself a victim and hardship.

Well, as a professional I decided it was time to de-stress life so I got a SRO (single room occupancy) and got employment at a hamburger joint. The payments went from 623 a week to 55 a week. Why her recourse court again for an attempted amendment. The judge asked why “I simply responded I needed to have no responsibilities”. That was accepted.

FORUM: ANOTHER FACT LEARNED: EMPLOYMENT IS FROM SLOPPING HAMBURGERS TO HEART SURGERY IN DIVORCE COURT. IF YOU ARE A VICTIM PAYING HIGH ALIMONY OR SUPPORT, THERE IS NO NEED TO KEEP BEING THE VICTIM AS THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MENIAL WAGES OR EMPLOYMENT.

Thus this action started the inevitable that continues today. We would see each other briefly for the next year (NO REGRET ON HER PART), before I, with my new wife, decided to relocate. My happiness was to come in a 15 yr old teen, when we married I was 30 yrs old. That was 26 yrs ago, and today wife states “she has no concept of her mistakes” or loss in life.

CHILD=DESTRUCTION OF RELATIONSHIP
A phone call came 5 yrs ago from my daughter it was so hateful and vile. It wasn’t a missing dad one or an update. It was a bunch of rambling sentences. You left mom and me, you gave mom AIDs. How could you do this to mom and me? I am not your daughter.

Gee, I guess mom never told you about Gregory and her. I will be sending to you a million dollars today, since there is no cure for AIDS. I yelled at my wife “honey you have AIDS” and then I hung up.

Now for an historical view, there was suspicion that child was not mine. I am of Latin heritage, she heavily freckled and fair skin. The child had 0% of my attributes, but more of the Gregory fellow. The shocker is her old acquaintances confirmed may indeed not be mine, thus this may have been a factor in the destruction of family unit and her behavior.There has been no further contact with the child.

FORUM: IF YOU SUSPECT YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER GET A DNA HOME TEST KIT SOLD IN THE STORE, SIMPLY SWAB THE CHILD AND YOUR MOUTH AND SEND TO LAB, YOUR WIFE DOESN’T HAVE TO KNOW. YES, CANNOT BE TAKEN INTO COURT BUT WILL GIVE YOU THE BASIS FOR THE FORMAL PATERNITY TEST FOR DIVORCE OR OTHER ACTIONS YOU REQUIRE.

WOMEN WHOM HAVE ANOTHER MAN’S CHILD IN MARRIAGE WERE FOR CENTURIES WERE DISOWNED BY LOVED ONES. THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE. THE ACCEPTANCE OF ANOTHER MANS SPERM IN A WIFE FOR CHILDBEARING IS NOT ONLY MORALLY WRONG, BUT IN VIOLATION OF NATURAL STATE. WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT ANOTHER MAN CHILD TO WHOM MAY HAVE DIED OR LEFT, WE ARE TALKING ADULTERY AND ANOTHER MAN’S BABY.

Conclusion with 26 year historical view with professional overview and concurrence:There really is no forgiving/forgetting. It really should be called “festering” for life, suspicion for life, never knowing for life. There is the fact, the cheated on spouse may silently suffer the mental torment, while smiling on the outside.

A cheater is always a cheater, the ability to have others without feeling as the boundaries are gone. DNA is critical to child bearing, there is no such thing as raising another’s child, especially in marriage. We are animals and as such if we were not advanced via evolution would kill the offspring of another. The raising of another man’s child in many states is more of a commitment in years than serving a prison sentence for murder.

An old practice made illegal in the 1900’s a wife could undergo genital mutilation as a form of commitment, while I am not a supporter of such practices it offers the spouse certainty of continued marriage vows commitment and in the past not an issue to woman to whom cheated.

TODAY PERSONAL UPDATE:
Ex Wife:
Has AIDS
2 illegitimate children
Lost home and all belonging’s
Gregory was an abuser and beat her on regular basis; they divorced 12 yrs ago with protection orders.
Lives on social services.
Daughter became pregnant at 16 and now lives with illegals.

Myself:
Happily married to my wife for 26 yrs.
2 grown out of house children.
Having the wisdom to know decisions made correct.

Conclusion:
Old time beliefs are good, and proven.
Political correct beliefs or marriage hype based on feel good new wave today’s wisdom leave many that live them in complete misery, I personally have known no less the 20 couples over the years.

Thank you for reading, it’s been a long long journey but one well worth it. I have learned from many professionals, fellow victims and reading’s to take old pain and foster them to new strengths which in turn have made my marriage very strong. There is time for the heart to make decision and the brain to do the same. The brain in the case of adultery should be the first.

It’s amazing how one micro second in decision making can cost ones future.

When I began to date someone, I moved out. It’s now 6 months later and I am single and now the old roommate wants to be a couple but she acts as if I had an affair. As roommates she would not open up to her and I being a couple and even told me to go out, find a girl, be a man.

When I did she nearly had a stroke. This article AFTER THE AFFAIR is a great read for those who need to know the best things to do and say… not sure how it will help me, but I hope I never need to use the info.

All that time he was a loving husband at home as well. I start wondering whether he has a split personality to be able to do that successfully. I wonder whether he can really get over her when their relationship was that intense. I really feel sorry for everyone who is going through the pain I am going through right now.

I do believe that God will help me carry it with dignity and eventually feel better. I love my husband very dearly and would like to stop thinking about them together and what she meant to him. I would like to be able to concentrate on rebuilding trust in our relationship