The title for this message, “Alone Together” sounds a little confusing doesn’t it? But just because you’re married, it doesn’t mean that you don’t suffer from loneliness. As a matter of fact, that’s one of the problems in too many marriages.

Couples are so busy with other aspects of making life work for them individually that they forget about emotionally connecting and supporting each other. As a result, some of the loneliest people on earth happen to be married. That’s sad, isn’t it?

If you find yourself in that place in your marriage (or you know of someone else who does) we’d like to touch on this subject with part of an article which is titled, “Alone Together” featured in Marriage Partnership Magazine www.marriagepartnership.com. (To read it in it’s entirety go to: http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2000/001/7.48.html).

One of the things the author Tim Gardner says about this subject is:

Ask anyone why they got married and, once they get past “because we were in love” (which I’m not knocking), they will talk about marriage as the antidote to loneliness. Even if they didn’t read that in the Bible first, they’re onto something. God proclaimed that it was “not good” for Adam to be alone (Gen. 2:18), and it’s not good for us either.

Most of us expect marriage to banish loneliness by providing lifelong companionship. But look around and you’ll find large numbers of couples who are married and still lonely. How does the one stated goal of marriage, God’s desire to alleviate a person’s aloneness, fail to come true for so many husbands and wives?

The reason is the “loneliness lie” which Tim brings to light by saying: “Couples feel lonely for various reasons, but the primary cause is our belief that marriage by itself will put an end to loneliness” (which of course is a lie). He goes on to say:

The act of getting married won’t put an end to your loneliness. To achieve that goal, you have to follow your initial commitment with appropriate action. When couples come to me for counseling, we often discuss the need for a “married mindset.”

It sounds obvious, but the truth is married couples often continue to think like single people. They agree to be places and do things without considering their partner’s schedule—or even his or her preferences. They are married, but their actions don’t reflect it. That’s what leads to loneliness.

I have yet to meet the couple who say, “You know, we think about each other constantly. We never commit to a weekend or evening activity until we discuss it. We’re always calling each other during the day to touch base. But you know what? I just wish this loneliness would end.”

When couples are guided by a married mindset they don’t struggle with loneliness. Considering one another’s needs, wants and preferences shows that they’re committed to loving each other, to nurturing and caring for one another, to treating each other with respect. They solve their own loneliness by working to obliterate their mate’s loneliness. Sounds odd, but that’s how it works.

Spouses become lonely because one or both partners focus most of their energy on something other than their mate. Their communication dwindles to “what’s for supper?” “Where’s the mail?” and “here’s what I’m doing this weekend.” Without communication, there can be no emotional connection. And without a strong emotional connection, there can be no relationship.

Being married but feeling alone is no way to live, so what should you do? Here are four solutions:

First, admit that you’re lonely. It does no good to deny that you feel emotionally disconnected. But you also need to realize that any apparent quick cure—from playing golf, to working longer hours, to having an affair—will only lead to more pain. So once you admit that you’re lonely, decide to take positive steps to change things.

Next, take stock of what is missing in your relationship. How would your marriage need to change to restore emotional closeness?

• Do you long to share relaxed time together like you did when you were dating?

• Do you wish you could still take walks at night to look at the stars?

• Has the “business” of keeping your family running smoothly crowded out the tenderness that used to come so naturally?

• What are the specific patterns that need to change?

Third, ask yourself an even tougher question: what are you doing (or neglecting) that could make your spouse feel lonely? Just as it takes two to get married, it nearly always takes two to let a marriage drift. So identify your own contributions to the problem.

• Is your schedule so crowded with outside commitments that you’re seldom home?

• Have you neglected hobbies or other activities that used to draw you and your mate closer?

• Have you started taking your spouse for granted—failing to express thanks, neglecting to extend common courtesies?

• Are you too preoccupied with work, the kids or family finances to listen to your spouse?

After asking yourself the hard questions, commit to making the personal changes necessary to reverse the emotional drift.

Finally, after much prayer, reflection and planning, talk to your mate. Tell him or her, what you believe is missing, and confess the ways your own actions have contributed to the problem. Without accusing or condemning, communicate how much you want to feel close to your spouse and describe the changes you’re willing to make.

When your spouse sees your willingness to change, it’s possible (not always—but possible) that he or she will join you on the journey from loneliness back to the closeness you both desire.

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We know this can be a helpful message for many of you to read but it can also be a painful message for others of you, because you KNOW you’re lonely in your marriage but your spouse doesn’t appear to want to participate with you in changing things.

For that, we’re so very sorry to cause you any more hurt than you’re already experiencing. But we have a miracle working God so don’t completely discount all that is said.

Pray-it’s amazing what God can do when we yield our hearts to Him. The Bible says “He is the lifter of our heads” — He knows how to minister to our hearts when everyone else has turned their back on us. Also, pray through what David prayed in Psalm 139:23-24 which says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

And lastly, Don and Sally Meredith from their book, 2 Becoming One give this advice:

You will find these truths helpful in regarding your spouse’s weaknesses:

• God will meet your aloneness needs in spite of your mate’s weaknesses.

• God’ only agent for changing your mate with promised results is unconditional love. That is also true for any relationship.

• God actually uses your mate’s weaknesses as a tool to perfect your character.

With all that’s been said though, keep in mind what Sandra Aldrich warned us. We’re supposed to help minister to each other’s aloneness but also know that: “Another human being can’t meet all your needs. The only person who can meet all our needs is the Lord, and He had to die first!”

Our love and prayers are with you as together we work to make our marriages the best they can be!

Cindy and Steve Wright

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