“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

How strong is the cord or the rope you’re hanging onto in your married life? Does it have the strength of one, two, or three strands? In every day life the strength of one strand may seem sufficient and you don’t really think about it needing to be any other way. But what happens when life unexpectedly gets a bit slippery?

And what happens when you slip and find yourself dangling over the edge of some very dangerous territory and all you have to hang on with is the strength of the rope you’ve created? How important would the strength of that rope be to you at that point? Would it matter to you then if that cord or rope contained one, two, or three strands?

We don’t live in a predictable world. Strength in numbers can sometimes play a key role in whether we survive some of the crisis that comes upon us unexpectedly. We can see in the Bible verses above that two are better than one but the real strength comes from the cord of three strands. And when you really need maximum strength to overcome a difficult situation, you’ll be especially appreciative that you prepared ahead of time for whatever storm comes your way!

“God proclaimed that it was ‘not good’ for Adam to be alone, and it’s not good for us either” (Tim Gardner). This is especially true in our marital relationship. One of the reasons we marry is so that we’re no longer “going it alone.” We’ve chosen a life partner to walk together with us throughout the rest of our lives. They’re to be our companion, our “soul mate” and our helper through thick and thin. But our life partner can only be there for us to the degree that we allow them to be.

A huge fallacy we fall into is that we believe when we marry we’ll live “happily ever after” and we won’t have to battle through life alone any longer. And that can be very true. But that can also be a huge lie we tell ourselves. It’s called “the loneliness lie.” Just because we’re married, it doesn’t mean that our aloneness will always be addressed. In fact very often the opposite becomes true. We can find ourselves feeling very alone even when we’re together with our spouse because we haven’t cultivated the marital relationship into one of real partnership and togetherness as a team.

A great magazine article we came across a few years ago in “Marriage Partnership Magazine” addressed this issue. The article was written by Tim Gardner (a marriage and family counselor) and was titled, “Alone Together.” Tim wrote: “If you’re married but still feel single, follow these tips to reconnect with your spouse.”  We’d like to share a portion of those tips with you and continue to address this issue in upcoming Marriage Messages from other angles because of the huge problem we see in so many marriages today.

What we’ve observed is that if we don’t pro-actively, continually work to build and maintain a connectedness—an intimacy with each other as husband and wife and a close relationship together with the Lord, the time most likely will come when we’ll experience being “alone together.” And the “one accord” of our own marriage will eventually unravel. In other words, if we don’t continually fight against the aloneness the enemy of our faith is trying to get us to buy into, the inertia of “creeping separateness” will take over.

And when a crisis comes upon us, we most likely will find ourselves all alone in the fight.  Keep in mind that in marriage, God is working to make the “two of us” into one team that works together with Him. The enemy of our faith is trying to take the “one (team) of us” and divide us so we become two individuals with God shoved on the outside grieving the loss. We need to be “on the alert” to his schemes. (See 1 Peter 5:8-11)

In “Alone Together,” Tim Gardner says,

When couples come to me for counseling, we often discuss the need for a “married mindset.” It sounds obvious, but the truth is married couples often continue to think like single people. They agree to be places and do things without considering their partner’s schedule—or even his or her preferences. They’re married, but their actions don’t reflect it. That’s what leads to loneliness.

I’ve yet to meet the couple who say, “You know, we think about each other constantly. We never commit to a weekend or evening activity until we discuss it. We’re always calling each other during the day to touch base. But you know what? I just wish this loneliness would end.”

When couples are guided by a married mindset they don’t struggle with loneliness. Considering one another’s needs, wants and preferences shows that they’re committed to loving each other, to nurturing and caring for one another, to treating each other with respect. They solve their own loneliness by working to obliterate their mate’s loneliness.

Spouses become lonely because one or both partners focus most of their energy on something other than their mate. Their communication dwindles to “what’s for supper?” “Where’s the mail?” and “here’s what I’m doing this weekend.” Without communication, there can be no emotional connection. And without a strong emotional connection, there can be no relationship.

Being married but feeling alone is no way to live, so what should you do? First, admit you’re lonely. It does no good to deny that you feel emotionally disconnected. But you also need to realize that any apparent quick cure—from playing golf to working longer hours to having an affair—will only lead to more pain. So once you admit that you’re lonely, decide to take positive steps to change things.

Next, take stock of what’s missing in your relationship. How would your marriage need to change to restore emotional closeness? Do you long to share relaxed time together like you did when you were dating? Do you wish you could still take walks at night to look at the stars? Has the “business” of keeping your family running smoothly crowded out the tenderness that used to come so naturally? What are the specific patterns that need change?

Third, ask yourself an even tougher question: what are you doing (or neglecting) that makes your spouse feel lonely? Just as it takes two to get married, it nearly always takes two to let a marriage drift. So identify your own contributions to the problem. Is your schedule so crowded with outside commitments that you’re seldom home? Have you neglected other activities that used to draw you and your mate closer? Have you started taking your spouse for granted—failing to express thanks, neglecting to extend common courtesies? Are you too preoccupied with work, the kids or family finances to listen to your spouse?

After asking yourself the hard questions, commit to making the personal changes necessary to reverse the emotional drift.

Finally, after much prayer, reflection and planning, talk to your mate. Tell him/her what you believe is missing, and confess the ways your own actions have contributed to the problem. Without accusing or condemning, communicate how much you want to feel close to your spouse and describe the changes you’re willing to make. When your spouse sees your willingness to change, chances are good that he or she will gladly join you on the journey from loneliness back to the closeness you both desire.

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We pray this has been helpful to your marriage. It has been to ours. As we press forward as students of marriage and of each other and pass that information along to you, we find our own marriage benefiting from the “wake-up calls” the Lord reveals to us. We also would greatly value learning whatever you’re learning about marriage so we can pass that along so hopefully we’ll all receive the benefit. Live, learn, and pass it along—that’s our motto!

God Bless!
Steve and Cindy Wright

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