Since those words of advice come from the Bible, does that mean God expects us to stuff in the anger we feel for one another rather than expressing it? Does it mean that in marriage we aren’t to vent our anger at one another or we’re acting as fools? No, it means that we aren’t to vent our anger to each other in such a way that we’re out of control and “flailing about” in such a rage that we’re causing more damage, than repair in our relationship.

We’re also told in the Bible, “Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (Proverbs 29:20). It’s giving full vent to our anger in haste (without considering all of the variables in each other’s temperaments) that gets us into trouble.

Expressing our anger can actually be helpful in our marriage, and can eventually draw us closer together. But it can also backfire on us if we’re not careful and prayerful in how we let it be known. To re-cap a few extremely important thoughts we shared last week:

“A couple’s mindset about conflict and how they resolve it is the single most significant predictor of whether or not a marriage can thrive. What couples often don’t understand about conflict is that it’s not about having the last word. It’s about taking the time to understand where the other person’s coming from and the willingness to deal with the issues at hand in a constructive way” (Janet Bales).

The last few weeks we’ve been talking about dealing with conflict in marriage. This week we’d like to share a newspaper article with you, that the organization, Smart Marriages sent us that was written by Julie Baumgardner (the Executive Director of First Things First, an organization dedicated to strengthening families). Afterwards, we’ll share a few additional thoughts that we pray will also be helpful on this subject. The article, entitled, “Anger in Marriage” reads:

Mark and Lori Kuebler were planning to redecorate their home, but they didn’t agree on how to accomplish the task. At one point Lori made a suggestion. Mark responded by looking at her, laughing and saying, “Are you serious?” What started out as a small disagreement quickly escalated into a blow out. “My feelings were hurt and I felt belittled,” Said Mrs. Kuebler. “We ended up not speaking to each other for several days.”

For “20 years, I’ve worked with thousands of people to help them learn how to appropriately deal with their anger,” said Paul Hegstrom, Ph.D. Founder of Life Skills International, which was developed to teach hurting people the skills they should have learned in a balanced, loving home.

All of us have experienced the emotion of anger. Because most people have never been taught how to deal with anger constructively, people are often confused about what to do with their anger. According to many of the latest movies, if a person’s angry the appropriate response is to seek revenge, which usually equates to violence.

Interestingly, research validates that 96-98% of what people get angry about is rooted in childhood. “When people have been wounded they tend to gravitate toward and marry a person that they believe can fulfill the losses in their childhood,” said Dr. Hegstrom.

“For instance, a woman who grew up without a father might gravitate toward someone older and seemingly wiser whom she believes can help fill the void she’s feeling. Or a man who was never listened to as a child might choose a mate that appears to be a good listener.

When their mate innocently does something to trigger emotions about those childhood losses, instead of understanding what’s at the heart of their anger they become angry at their mate. For example, a wife becomes angry with her husband for arriving home 30 minutes late. She’s irate and he doesn’t understand why this is such a big deal.

Looking back at this lady’s childhood we find out that her parents divorced because her father was having an affair and would frequently come in late. Her anger stems from fear that her husband might do the same thing to her BUT this is never discussed. Anger’s always a secondary reaction to a primary feeling.”

In order to get control over anger, Dr Hegstrom encourages individuals to identify how their parents and grandparents handled anger. What kind of losses did you experience during childhood? The next step is to identify what anger is and where it’s coming from. Is it rooted in feelings of hurt, invalidation, frustration, fear, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, inadequacy, guilt, etc? These are trigger points.

Once a person knows their trigger points, instead of always reacting with anger they can step back, take a time out and say, “This is how I responded to what you said. Is that what you meant? When couples stop to discuss the little things, they’re resolving conflict versus reacting.

“When individuals begin to deal with childhood issues they begin to grow and heal in these areas,” said Dr. Hegstrom. “This process takes time. Many couples expect too much, too quick without any work. The value of a relationship is always greater than the conflict of the moment. If a person is teachable the issues are fixable.”

A couple of weeks ago the Kueblers went on a trip with some friends. Mark and Lori ended up having a disagreement. The kids went swimming and Mark and Lori stayed in the room. After a period of silence both of them looked at each other and said, “We need to settle this and move on. We actually talked without raising our voices and without getting angry,” said Mrs. Kuebler. “Once you realize you’ve come to that point where you can talk without yelling at each other it feels so good. When you’re yelling you’re not going to get anything settled, you’re just going to make yourself even angrier. When you recognize ‘we need to do things differently’ you realize you’ve accomplished something in your marriage.”

We know that many of you think it’s too much of a hassle to “learn how to resolve conflict” the way that so many marriage educators recommend. It seems too awkward and “unnatural” to argue in such a manner. But let me (Cindy) ask you, how’s it working for you the way you’ve handled arguments with each other up to now? Are you both feeling you’re resolving conflicts with each other in healthy ways? Are you both satisfied with your communication skills with each other?

If one of you thinks you have a problem in this area—you’ve got a problem. Remember, we’re told in the Bible that we’re to treat each other as more important than ourselves. So if either of you perceives a problem in this area—it’s a problem for both of you. And it will be a continual problem until you’re able to resolve what you’re arguing about in a way that you both feel you’ve been heard and understood.

The ultimate goal is to work through each conflicting issue in such a way that both of you are satisfied that you’ve dealt with it completely so that it’s no longer separating your closeness and intimacy with each other as Christ-honoring partners in life.

Let me also ask you, are you modeling for your children and others how to resolve problems that come up in healthy, loving, God-honoring ways? If what you’re doing isn’t working for the betterment of your marital relationship so that you’re “loving, honoring, and cherishing” your spouse as you promised to, what are you going to do about it?

You made some pretty important promises at your wedding. And if you haven’t kept them up until now it’s time to put the additional work into your relationship so you make sure you’re a promise-keeper for the sake of your marriage—for the sake of the example you are to your children, for the sake of all who witness how you live your Christian life, and especially for the sake of God’s kingdom. Gandhi once said, “My life is my message.” What message are you giving the world by the way you’re relating to your spouse? Are you a living example of what a “Christ-follower” is?

Next week we’ll focus our attention on forgiveness another article written by Julie Baumgardner.

God Bless!
Steve and Cindy Wright

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