You say: “I’ve already said I’m sorry, what more does she/he want from me?” -or- “I said I’m sorry once — that should be enough!” -or- “I give up! What more can a human being do to make him/her understand that I’m sorry?!”

The “what more” that can be done, is being sorry enough that your spouse knows beyond a shadow of doubt, that you TRULY “get it” as far as how much you hurt him or her. Guard against being one who only gives an apology equaling a handful’s worth of repentant sorrow, when you have piled a bucket’s worth of hurt onto your partner. Give what they really need, not what would satisfy you. You are different from your spouse, so give what is needed to remedy the situation.

After all, who is the apology really for — is it for you or for your spouse? Are you going through the motions of being sorry just to appease your spouse, so that you can go on with your life in a less stressful way? Or is your apology a true expression of sorrow to the point that you are willing to go the “extra mile” (as the Bible talks about in Matthew 5:41) to show your remorse, your change of heart, and your willingness to try to heal the emotional damage you’ve afflicted upon your spouse? There IS a difference.

If your apology is to appease you and make YOUR life easier, then a quick apology or an apology that YOU believe is enough, probably won’t work in reality, because the emphasis should be on the receiver — not the giver. It is one of those cases where “it is more blessed to give than to receive.”

But if you are truly sorry for what you have done and you want to make sure your spouse understands your sorrow, then you need to express it in a way that opens his or her heart, mind, and countenance. It means getting out of YOUR comfort zone and being willing to help them enter theirs. You may not be comfortable with the questioning that comes when you confess your sin against them, but you need to be willing to allow them to deal with the healing process in a way that works for them. It might not make sense to you, but if it does to them and eventually it brings rest to the issue as they settle it in their mind, then that is part of the price you should be willing to pay to show your sincere sorrow and repentance.

Even if you never meant to hurt your spouse and it happened anyways, don’t let that be a hinder your apologizing as you should. You have to deal with the reality of the situation, not your original intention. If you run over your spouse’s foot with an automobile — even if you did it by accident, it still hurt them, and you should make sure they know how sorry you are for how you hurt them. Sometimes your spouse can become the “accidental” victim in something you do. Your intentions may have been “perfect” — you may have wanted to only show love and not hurt. But it’s like what it says in the book, The Five Languages of Apology, by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas:

“It is true that perfect love would never hurt the one loved. But none of us is capable of perfect love for one simple reason: We are imperfect. The Bible makes this very clear. We are all sinners. (See: Romans 3:23.) Even those who say they are Christians are still capable of sinning. That is why we must learn to confess our sins to God and to the person we’ve sinned against. (See: 1 John 1:8-10.) Good marriages are not dependent upon perfection, but they are dependent upon willingness to acknowledge our wrong and seek forgiveness.”

And just to warn you: Some spouses are not open in the beginning to fully receive your apology after you’ve hurt them deeply. They may be so hurt that it will take your “going the extra mile” before their hearts will be open enough for the healing to begin. It can be like a layer of unhealthy scar tissue that has built up to such an extent that it causes more harm than good. Sometimes scar tissue can interfere with the healing and impede the flexibility that is needed so that a person can fully function. By properly working with the scar tissue, the healing can begin.

So be patient and do what it takes to help your marital partner know that you are seriously sorry for how you have hurt them. When we handle the gravity of the situation as we should it shows maturity. Properly apologizing shows we own up to our actions and truly want the healing to take place in our marriage. Even if they never forgive you, you should still do your part in this process.

And another thing, don’t demand forgiveness. Express your sorrow, and what you intend to do so this doesn’t happen again and actually say the words, “Will you forgive me?” That is graciousness in action. Keep in mind that giving forgiveness is a gift someone gives you voluntarily, and sometimes they need to work through the process of giving this gift in a different way than you may think it should happen.

However, if you demand it and/or you belittle them because they aren’t giving it to you in the way or time-frame that you want, you’re further victimizing them. (We’ll go into this subject more next week.) “An expression of sincere regret should not manipulate the other person into reciprocating” or into accepting the apology sooner than it is best to do so. Be sincere and patient and “go the extra mile” in apologizing.

For those on the receiving end of the apology, ask the Lord to help you to be as gracious as it is possible in receiving it. Sometimes it takes longer to heal, and it’s fine to give yourself the necessary time to do so, but to the best of your ability and with the discernment the Lord can give you, try to lean into the healing over your situation. Sometimes we can draw something out longer than we should because we choose to hold onto hurt that we should be releasing. Holding unto unforgiveness can poison our own inner being and prolong the pain.

It is important to remember the graciousness that the Lord extended to us “while we were yet sinners” and the forgiveness He readily gives us. “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:17-18).

And lastly, please don’t use anything in this message as a weapon against your spouse. Some husbands and wives will take that which is intended to bring you together to justify their actions in a way that is anything but gracious. That only complicates the situation all the more. Graciously give and graciously receive and ask the Lord to show you how to work with your situation so you are building healthy relationship bridges wherever it is possible. You aren’t accountable for your spouse’s motivations and actions but you are for your own.

Next week, because of its importance, we will visit this subject again from a different angle. But also know that we have a section on our web site titled “Bitterness and Forgiveness” that could help you on this important journey.

In the meantime, we pray you will work to go “the extra mile” in apologizing and also in receiving apologies. May all you do be as “unto the Lord” that He may be glorified!

Cindy and Steve Wright