All the learned skills in the world won’t help you a bit in your marriage, unless you actually put them into use. And if you don’t, it may bring about the demise of your marriage. Repeatedly we’re seeing marriages explode to death all around us—yet there’s little we can do in so many of those cases except grieve with the Lord and with those who are innocently hurt as a result.

We live in a world where people want “Microwave” solutions to happen in their marital struggles. And if those microwave solutions don’t make a big enough difference soon enough to suit their determined time-frame it appears as if the best solution is to “cut the losses, and move on to a “new beginning” because we also live in a “throw-away” society. If it appears broken, throw it away—it actually costs less to replace it with something new than to repair the one that’s broken.

Whether or not that’s true of material possessions, it’s especially not true when it comes to marriages. The trickle-down damage that broken marital relationships are causing on present and future generations is immeasurable. Only God knows all the destruction that’s coming about because individuals aren’t keeping their covenantal marital promises to “Love, honor, and cherish, for better or for worse ’til death do we part.”

Our world today is caving in to the self-centered pressure of making “promise-keeping” a conditional rule. It’s: “If you will, then I will too! If you don’t, all promises are off!” Do you think that would be the way the Lord would have us treat the vows we make to one another in holy matrimony?

Would that be the way that God wants us to conduct our lives as “born-again believers?” Is adopting worldly self-satisfying love the desire of God’s heart for us in our marriages? Sit down as a married couple and read 2 Timothy chapter 3. And then read Ephesians chapter 4 and then chapter 5. And then read Malachi 2:13 -18, and 1 Corinthians chapter 13 and John 13:33-35. The list of Bible verses we could give is endless. But we pray you’ll take the time and initiative to read together that which we’ve just challenged you to.

And then discuss the type of love God requires of us in marriage and pray together —with each other and for each other that you’ll be faithful in giving each other the love and grace of God. And then, one more thing: ask God to show you how you can live your lives as marital partners. Ask Him to help you together to reflect the true witness of the love of God to others who are married so we can make a positive difference in the lives of those within the mission field He’s given us.

It starts first with each other, and then within the boundaries of our home to our family members, and then beyond our walls to the “Jerusalem and outer most parts” of the world the Lord brings your way. We pray that you’ll join us in this mission work so “from this day forward” we’ll make a positive difference in the lives of those around us to the glory of God.

As we stated earlier: All the learned skills in the world won’t help you a bit in your marriage, unless you actually put them into use. We’re going to be starting a series of messages that will be dedicated to giving you some of the skills that can be helpful in your marriages. The application of those skills will be up to you to use and pass along.

On the other hand, you may already know of some skills that are helpful in making your marital partnership stronger. If you haven’t already started using them, today can be a new beginning. And if you have used them, and they’ve been helpful, please write us and pass what you know along to us so we can pass them along. We need all the prayerful help we can get as we make this material available to everyone.

For the rest of this message we want to share an article titled “On Marriages” by Julie Baumgardner (sent to us by Smart Marriages). It illustrates the importance of applying what you learn to improve your marriage. It’s also the first of a series that we’ll be sharing with you:

Mark and Lori Kuebler know what it means to go through trials and tribulations in a marriage. Before reaching their first anniversary, they had separated twice. By their 3rd anniversary they would separate again and Lori would file for divorce. If you asked either of them to speculate on the longevity of their marriage, both of them would tell you there wasn’t much hope that the marriage would survive.

“We met at church and dated for eight or nine months before we were married,” said Lori Kuebler. “Mark had been married before and brought two boys, ten and six with him to the marriage.  We went through premarital counseling and learned a lot of good skills. The only problem was, we didn’t put them into practice when the going got tough. Our first year of marriage was like a war zone.”

Mark and Lori, along with thousands of other couples, learned pretty quickly that it takes more than being in love with someone to make a relationship work. It takes skills and the willingness to put those skills into practice in every aspect of the marriage.

“I think our biggest downfall was communication,” said Mark Kuebler. “We argued about anything and everything. Both of us are very stubborn and hard headed. The environment was such that it was almost a contest to see who could have the last word when we argued. I think it was the fact that we never resolved any of our arguments that led to our third and final separation.”

As a last resort, Mark and Lori decided to attend a marriage enrichment workshop hosted by Gary Smalley conference to see if they could glean anything to save their marriage. “To be perfectly honest, both of us were totally closed when we arrived at the conference,” said Mark.

“We were just going through the motions because we’d already paid for the tickets.  We didn’t even stay for the whole thing. The following Monday I went to work and Lori called her dad and told him he needed to get over to the house with the truck because she couldn’t take it any more.”

“I knew divorce wasn’t the answer, but in my head I thought that might be the only way to deal with this situation,” said Lori. “It was during this separation that I actually filed for divorce. My parents were shocked. Both of us come from homes with long-term married parents. My parents were supportive of me, but they both said, ‘Marriage is a struggle regardless and you can’t just say I don’t want to be married to this person anymore.’ To which I responded, ‘You don’t know what I have to live with here.’ Both of them encouraged me to seek help.”

Mark and Lori were both open to going to counseling. The only problem was neither of them was open at the same time. Later Mark said, “After Lori moved out, I began to remember some of the things that Gary Smalley talked about at the conference. Surprised that I actually recalled anything, I became convicted that I needed to work at our marriage and do everything possible to get Lori back.”

After going to marriage counseling for a couple of months, Lori moved back home. Both Lori and Mark now recognize that they need to resolve their conflicts. For them, it doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong—they just need to get to the bottom of it and move on.

“It was hard for me to forget things that had happened,” said Lori. “What I learned through counseling is that holding a grudge hurts you in the long run as well as the other person. When you have unforgiveness nobody wins.” All couples experience moments of conflict and anger. According to marriage experts, too many marriages end before couples have the opportunity to experience forgiveness and reconciliation.

Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, a research and advocacy organization dedicated to strengthening families through education, collaboration and mobilization. You can visit their website at www.firstthings.org.

God bless!
Steve and Cindy Wright