“To everything there is a season.”

That’s what it says in the Bible in the book of Ecclesiastes. And that can be true of friendships as well as in other areas of life. Sometimes you have a best friend all while growing up but later in life you out-grow each other. Sometimes you have a special friend that helps you through a crisis and eventually you don’t see each other as much. But for that season of your life, they were a blessing. And sometimes you are able to keep your friendship alive throughout your life. That is an even greater blessing.

That’s what it says in the Bible in the book of Ecclesiastes. And that can be true of friendships as well as in other areas of life. Sometimes you have a best friend all while growing up but later in life you out-grow each other. Sometimes you have a special friend that helps you through a crisis and eventually you don’t see each other as much. But for that season of your life, they were a blessing. And sometimes you are able to keep your friendship alive throughout your life. That is an even greater blessing.

Friendships are different than marital partnerships. Marriage is a sacred vow you enter into with your partner and with God. It is a “cord of three strands” relationship that God takes seriously (and so should we) because it is a living picture of Christ’s love for the church to a world that needs to see God’s faithfulness lived out before them. And even though you can have great friendships like King David and Jonathon had, sometimes the ongoing relationship needs to be ended if they become toxic to your life, but especially if they become toxic to your marriage. And that’s what happens sometimes. Some friends just aren’t good for the health of your marriage.

We can’t even start to tell you how many letters we receive at Marriage Missions that express the problems that some friendships cause in marriages. It’s tragic when spouses allow their friendships to interfere with the well-being of their marriages. Some spouses will say that they don’t want to end the friendship because they’ve “been friends for so long.” One of many answers to that could be: When fruit is ripe, it is good to partake of it, but when it turns rotten, then it’s time to get rid of it. The Bible says, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’ Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning: for there are some who are ignorant of God — I say this to your shame.” (1 Corinthians 15:33-34)

A person might say that if they let go of this friend, they “won’t have any friends.” It would be better to not have any friends for a while than to have friends who are an enemy to your marriage and pull you in a wrong direction. Good friendship in the Bible wasn’t as dependent upon availability as it was on helping rather than hurting one another. It’s the Matthew 5 principle if your “hand” or your “eye” causes you to do what you shouldn’t, then you must get rid of that which is causing the problem. Friendships are disposable, marriages aren’t supposed to be.

Sometimes friendships can be detrimental to the health of your marriage. There are a number of ways in which this can happen.

“One is when a friend, whether same-sex or opposite, becomes your main confidant. That kind of sharing is what builds true and deep intimacy. Thus, when you confide your concerns and fears, your hopes and dreams, your struggles and temptations with a friend to the exclusion of your spouse, you forge your strongest bonds of intimacy with the friend.

Another way in which friends can hurt your marriage is by consuming too much of your discretionary time. Couple time — the time you spend together, connecting with each other and nurturing your relationship — is a premium for most of us. Friends who expect or demand so much of your time that they deprive you of couple time are foes to your marriage.” (Jeannette and Robert Lauer, from the article “With Friends Like These, from Marriage Partnership Magazine www.marriagepartnership.com)

When I was mentoring two young ladies a few years ago, they both complained that they were having a difficult time finding friends who were helpful and encouraging rather than hurtful and damaging to both of their marriage partnerships. As I told them (and have had to live out the same principle in my own life), when that’s the case, then it’s time to look for new friends. If they are friends who are critics of your mate and cause division in your feelings and actions with your spouse, then they cease to be friends and really are adversaries of your marriage. If you throw out junk mail, you should throw out junk friendships, even though it hurts for a time.

Here are a few “tough questions” to ask yourself about your friendships (which Jeannette and Robert Lauer came up with):

- Do they enjoy the kind of activities and conversation that strengthen marriage?
- Do they make you feel better about your spouse?
- Do they respect and support your need for couple time?
- Do they celebrate marriage as a rich human experience?

And here are a couple of additional questions from Sabrina D. Black, from the book, “Can Two Walk Together?”

- Are these people building a hedge around your marriage?
- How concerned are they about godly things?
- Are they the types who say, “Well, I never really liked him anyway,” or “You know, I didn’t like it when he did this the other day,” or “I don’t believe you put up with that!?”

“Make sure your friend is someone who is concerned about godly things — a person who knows the Word of God and will turn to it when you call. Always keep in mind that friends are people who should draw you closer to God. Therefore, if they are telling you something that is contrary to the Word, then they are not really your friends.” (Sabrina D. Black)

Choose your friends wisely. Make sure that they make you feel better about your mate and about your God, and if they don’t, then make the hard decision of parting ways with them. “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24)

If your spouse has the friend or friends that threaten your marriage, pray, pray, and pray some more. And ask God when (and how to) approach your spouse over this matter. Don’t nag and push so hard that you spouse keeps the friendship(s) just to spite you. That will just cause further damage. But keep asking God to give you wisdom and help in this matter until it is resolved. “You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” (Hebrews 10:36)

May God bless your marriage as you persevere and make good choices in friendships,
Cindy and Steve Wright