“What am I getting out of this relationship?”
That’s a question that many who are married ask themselves. And many respond with, “Not enough to stay in it!” We know that’s true by the amount of divorcing that’s going on. “In fact, if you were born after 1965, statistically, you will have more spouses in your lifetime than children” (Dr Roger Barrier). Pretty sad, huh?
So, what’s going on? We live in an age where we have more information than ever before on HOW to make our marriage relationships better, but what good is it? We have fewer healthy marriages.
One reason is because we live in a “throw away” society. It used to be that we fixed what we broke. Now we throw it away and get a new one. It appears that we’re applying this to marriages as well. We’re buying into the lie that marital relationships are disposable. After all, (we’ve heard it said repeatedly) “God wouldn’t want me to stay in an unhappy marriage!”
But from what we read in the Bible, that is a lie that the enemy of our faith would love us to believe! Nowhere in the Bible does it say that marriage will be easy (as a matter of fact, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:28 that “those who marry will face many troubles in this life”).
It is said that, “A self-centered life will have a tendency to confuse its selfish desire with God’s will.” Think about those words in how they apply to marriage. It’s easiest to see what we want to see. And unless we’re on the alert, we can easily slide into a self-centered way of thinking. (I know that personally, because it’s something I have to fight continually in my own life.)
We justify and rearrange our thoughts and actions to fit the best conception of ourselves that we can (much like using a kaleidoscope to focus on designs that most please us). We knock God’s ways out of the picture. And “whenever God is knocked out, sin is minimized.”
When we enter into marriage, the vows we say to each other and to God, are filled with promises of faithfulness and unconditional love. And we entirely mean what we promise… that is until they are challenged by the reality of living them out during some really tough times. Eventually it’s not difficult to lose sight of what we promised.
But, are promises only good through the better and the “not so good” times? Are they conditional in living them out? What about the scriptures that say, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13)?
And what about the scriptures that say, “We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body” (2 Corinthians 4:7-10)?
Is marriage really all about us and our comforts? Aren’t our lives IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES supposed to show witness of the power of “Christ that is within us?” Are the commands and promises of God, as told throughout the Bible, only relevant as long as we don’t have to suffer too much or work too hard?
Isn’t God’s power and light supposed to shine through the darkness (as 2 Corinthians 4:6 and other verses in the Bible tell us) so that the Light of Jesus Christ, can be seen in and through our lives and circumstances?
Let’s stop asking the question, “What am I getting out of my marriage?” and instead ask the question that Christ followers should ask: “What is GOD getting out of my marriage?” Does God have a higher purpose and message He can deliver out this? And what are we doing, as individuals, to contribute in a positive way toward that message furthering God’s Kingdom work?
These are hard hitting questions to ask ourselves. But can we ask any less if we are really serious about living for Christ and glorifying God in our lives? It’s easy to say we are followers of Christ, but it’s difficult to actually live it (showing that we mean what we say).
In Colossians 1:16 we’re told that we were created “by Him and FOR Him.” There is more to our Christian walk than just making our life work for our individual comfort and desire for happiness. Can’t God work good out of that which seems not so good? We refer you to Marriage Message #24 – How Big is Your God? We serve an awesome God who cares for you and everyone in this world.
Why should anyone want to become a Christian if they see that we serve such a puny God who doesn’t empower us to live above our circumstances? How can they see “the hope that is in us” when we live our lives in displaying hopelessness?
“You yourselves are our letter, written on hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ… written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.” (2 Corinthians 3:2-6).
Are you living out God’s testimony of love? Are you asking yourself the right questions? “What is GOD getting out of your marriage in the way you are living out your vows? Can He use your life to draw others to Himself? Are you living in such a way that others might say, “I want to know your God” — where God’s power and the Light of Christ is displayed for all to see?
I’m reminded of my brother Rick who died a number of years ago, who came to faith in Christ less than a year before he died. When he called me up to tell me that he “finally did it” — he finally asked Christ to be his Savior, he told me of how God drew him in to make that decision.
Not only did God use Steve and me to love him to our Savior (thank you Jesus), but God especially used his precious wife, Linda. He pointed out that she didn’t always live out her faith perfectly. But he told me that he consistently saw the love and power of Christ throughout her life (even though he tried to deny it at times). She LIVED Christ. And God used Linda’s unconditional love for my brother over many, many years of hard times, to draw him to the unconditional love of God.
He admitted that many times he didn’t make it easy for her, but her love for him spoke volumes. And eventually God used her, and other people to get through to Rick until he wanted to know God as Linda and we know Him. How I thank God for her perseverance.
My brother was a tough one to love sometimes (as we all are in one way or another). But praise God, Linda saw beyond the surface and loved him and God enough to keep living for Christ, no matter what!
Together, let’s ask the right questions. “What is GOD getting out of my marriage? How can He use me to further the mission of spreading the Love of God to my spouse and a world that needs to know Him?
Together, lets live out the principles found in Philippians 3:13-14 where it says, “One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
“For Christ’s love compels us…”
Cindy and Steve Wright
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(KENYA) This is great. I think if we stay connected, it can help my husband and I to take our marriage to a higher level. Kindly send me a copy of the discussion guide. God bless you.
(South Africa) This is powerful. Thank you a lot for your weekly messages. They really make me a better person in my relationship. My partner complimented my heart just two weeks ago. He said it’s very rare you find a lady with such a heart. All goes back to you guys for all the guidance in relationships. You might think what you doing is little, but to us people and God, THIS IS GREAT. Your messages changed me to be a better person. I see things differently from the world perspective and this makes me to be different from other woman same age as mine. Married people come for advice to me and I try by all means to build their marriages so that God maybe glorified. I thank you once more. May God bless you.
(USA) The question of, what am I getting out of this marriage? is definitely not the right question to be asking. In a marriage it is not what can I "get" but rather what can I "give" to my spouse. If you are in a taking marriage pretty soon all will be taken and then there is nothing left. The result is difficulties and very often marital failure. What our attitude needs to be is what can I "give" to my spouse.
With God’s grace, and much prayer, I have been able to leave that taking attitude and move toward a giving attitude. I give my wife love, attention, support, understanding and an available ear when she just wants someone to listen. No, I can’t solve all of her problems, only God can do that, but I am there for her, giving her what I can as a her husband.
There is the comment "but my spouse is a taker so if I want anything I need to take also". This can be very difficult to deal with.
This is what happened in our marriage. I made a commitment to "give to my wife" unconditionally –emotionally, spiritually, and physically, without any strings attached. I did it out of love for her and love for God, for that is what He commands. It was a major thought change for me as it was for her.
At first, she was thinking, what is he trying to get? She even asked me this. I then explained that I wanted to have a better Christian marriage, and that in a good marriage it was a relationship of giving and receiving, not taking. At times I was quite discouraged for I did not see any change in the way she dealt or reacted to me. I asked God to keep me strong and focused.
"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Luke 6:38) NIV
Over time my giving attitude became more natural, and her attitude started to follow mine. I do warn that there were many set backs and bumps in the road. Even though the path has been rocky and rough at times, the journey and the results have been worth every difficult time.
This change in attitude was not fast or easy. And we still have much to work on. But it can be done. Not alone, but with God’s help. Be loving, be caring, and give. FHG, Rob
(South Africa) Your website has been most encouraging to me over the years. I myself have never written to you, but after reading this message, I really would like to encourage people to “stick with it”. Honor the Lord by keeping the promises that we made before God and our spouse when you were married.
My husband had an extra marital affair about 4 years ago. Through much prayer and a deep belief in marriage and the promises I made, my husband and I have worked through this time in our lives and marriage. We are still together and I though my husband is not born again, I pray and trust the Lord on a daily basis to work through me to show my husband “God’s Love” Your story about Linda and Richard really encouraged me to know that our prayers, challenges and efforts to live a Godly life do pay off.
Yes, most days it is more difficult to act in a Christlike way and love our husbands the way God expects, but it sure builds character. I would encourage anyone thinking of “quitting” to stick it out and truly God will honour your efforts. Thank you for a great website.
(South Africa) I really enjoyed this message but there’s something else I thought about while reading this. We also need to constantly ask ourselves “what more can I put into this relationship?” because wanting to put in an extra effort into your marriage all the time without expecting something back shows selflessness and I think that portrays God’s love and people can see that clearly. Can you imagine the effect we could have other couples??
Another thing I thought is when people say “God wouldn’t want me to stay in an unhappy marriage!” then its easy to say that yes God doesn’t want you to stay in an unhappy marriage but instead of giving in and getting out I honestly think God would rather want you to stay in that marriage and work to make it happy! It’s always so easy to say that, your partner is impossible and makes life so uncomfortable but the Bible says that the wife’s good works will eventually win her husband over, like your brother.
People take marriage too lightly these days. I believe that your vows are the same as you and your partner making a deal with God and we are told in Numbers 30:2, “If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word.”
(South Africa) Our marriage is so rocky it’s on the verge of breaking or has broken. I believe that God has a plan – it’s extremely difficult as there is another women involved. My husband says they are friends but she takes precedence over me and my wishes etc. I’m very two minded on whether to ask him to leave or to be what God wants me to be – like Jesus was – humble, loving etc.
We have 2 boys 14 and 10 and have been married for 18 years. He says there is nothing left in our marriage – he can’t talk to me – he’s superior to me and better, smarter. I’m me down to earth. We are going to talk this weekend about going forward. After reading the “ask the right question’ I realize God says that in ‘the worse’ we must stay and work it out. He doesn’t seem to think so.
Please remember us and lift my husband up in prayer as I believe ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE with God. I know satan is trying so hard to destroy our family. I don’t want us to be another statistic. May God bless the work you are doing – saving marriages and putting us in the right frame of mind – ‘God’s frame’.