Don’t you think it’s just the devil trying to separate you when in actual fact, you guys were meant for each other. Ugliness is nothing when it comes to love. You might leave him for the handsome guys but they will mistreat you and you will forever live to regret it. Whether you don’t move back with him or show up with him, the fact is, people know him as your husband, and will always know. Change your attitude and your marriage will work out. Your husband loves you… and I think he will be prepared to work on himself in order to please you. Think of your daughters, my dear.

Someone told me, through some very, very tough storms in our marriage, that feelings come and go. It is very true. A few years ago my wife and I almost split. She hated my guts, and I was bitter toward her, too. Today, those feelings are very different -praise God. Your feelings toward him can change. What ultimately matters in marriage is being committed to the other person. As we do that, as we build that commitment and that safety (that intimacy), feelings deepen. They really do.

I can’t tell you what to do, and I don’t want to minimize how painful and horrendous your situation is, but if you stick it out it can get better.

But I will be honest. It sounds like you have a problem, not him. I hope I don’t offend you. I’m trying to give it to you straight because I believe if you deal with this head on it will help save your marriage, as well as save you from a lot of pain and anguish (and potentially your husband from being crushed, if he isn’t already). It sounds to me like you have a serious self-image problem that can’t handle having a guy on your arm that isn’t “good looking enough.” So, you are terrified and controlled by what others might think of you, as though people will think you are less than what you are if they see you have an unattractive man beside you. I don’t condemn you, because all of us struggle with various things of that nature, but I will tell you that it is a prison. It is a prison that will control your life and make you miserable, and it already has.

But it isn’t only the problem of what others think. It is even the idea of being with him, who is so unattractive, that is so hard to deal with. So overall, I think the problem here is that you recoil from his physical appearance because of how it makes you feel about yourself. It makes you feel insecure. And that is partly why you compare him to other men, too. To you, your value as a woman, your “success” and status and worth as a woman = the attractiveness of the “catch” on your arm.

Let’s use the analogy of a car. Some people really tie their self-worth to the kind of car they drive. If they drive an old, rusted-out jalopy, they park 5 streets over when meeting up with friends for a night out. They make excuses for not driving, like that their car is in the shop, just so nobody will see that it is their car. If only they had a Ferrari… then everything would be better. Or, they kid themselves, maybe not a Ferrari… but at least a brand new car, maybe a nice Toyota. But really the problem is that they attach the appearance and value of their car with their own value and status as a person.

You are using your man like some people use their cars. You are using him (and if it wasn’t him it would be some other guy) to say “Look. I know I’m someone because of him and how hot he is.” And since your husband isn’t so hot, then you feel like a poor beggar, an embarassed street urchin wearing rags, in a kingdom of princesses. The thing is… if you dumped your husband and found some other guy, it wouldn’t go away. You would still be using your man like that, even if you were happier in the short term. And what would probably happen, if you landed yourself a hottie, is that you would live in a prison of fear because, now, you would have your golden calf and be terrified of losing it rather than lamenting of what you don’t have. You would be miserable again, but only in a different way.

So…anyway, how do you get past this? Well, if I am right in what I’m saying (I may not be??), then begin by confessing it to God. Circumstances don’t make us sin, a counselor once told me. Circumstances reveal what is in our hearts. Here, in your marriage, God is revealing a real pride problem in your heart, I believe. He is eager and willing and merciful to hear you about it and help you grow through it. Tell the Lord about it. Tell him how you feel, in detail. Find a friend, one close friend who will not tell a soul, and confess it to them, too. Make sure it is someone who is mature enough to encourage you in the Lord. Next, I would find a good Christian/Biblical counselor to help you work through some of these things.

And finally, I encourage you to actively seek to love your husband, even if you don’t feel like it. That means doing things for him that are for his good -encourage him, pray for him, make him breakfast, tell him when he looks nice (or… nicer than normal), and engage him sexually with the aim of making it about him rather than you. It isn’t hipocrisy if you aren’t 100% into it. It would be hipocrisy if you claimed that you were. Things will change. It will be hard, and it will take time, but they can change. We’re all gonna get old and ugly.

I remember reading an article a few years ago about a woman who had a friend who left her husband for someone “better.” At the time, the friend was elated because she finally found what she wanted. The woman heard through the grapevine that she divorced her husband and eventually married this man. A few years down the line this woman and her friend caught up. Curious, the woman asked her friend how her awesome new husband was. With a dull sigh, she said, “Hairy.” The fantasy wore off. She realized he wasn’t so great. The grass always seem greener on the other side, and the enemy wants us to believe that. But really… it isn’t. One day, the blinders come off and we say, “What have I done!?”

I hope I’m not being too hard on you, and I hope this really does help you. I pray that the Lord would do something mighty in your marriage so that you can both see how love, real love, can flourish and blossom.

Please find a pastor to pray for you. You should pray hard for God to remove that which is inside you that makes you see your husband as an ugly person. Since this has been printed in your mind you need special deliverance.

I mixed friendship with love as we were friends first. Before we got married I dumped him cause I realized I couldn’t be with him. I would not be able to introduce him to my friends, I would be ashamed to walk around with him… I told him those reasons when I dumped him and he was so devastated. My sister & brother said I would regret the way I treated him, and he even said “am I the ugliest person in the world?” I felt sorry for him and gave it a try, but deep down I knew that I’m not honest to myself… now it’s eating me a lot.

The first few years I was just trying not to concentrate on that part, but I realize that it kills me inside… I don’t want to go out with him around friends, I never encourage him and right now it’s worse, I don’t want him around my body. I feel so much joy when I’m alone, around friends and my family. The thing that has kept me in this marriage are my two little girls, cause they love their father & me together. I don’t want to take that away from them. That’s a sacrifice that I took… though it’s killing me inside.

I’ve lost weight and I sometimes lash out because of anger inside, blaming myself and regrets. Please help me because I’m dying. I’m walking around comparing him with other men, if I chose this one it would have been better, and I know it’s wrong… what shall I do?