No one in life has ever learned all they can. There’s always something else that can be learned in life this side of heaven. But there are times in life when “unlearning” some things can actually be more productive than learning. And this is especially true in marriage—particularly in how it pertains to communication in marriage. More often than not, the communication skills (or lack thereof) we learned while growing up don’t adequately prepare us for those we need in order to stay intimately connected after the wedding.

“All of us have experienced the emotion of anger. But, because most people have never been taught how to deal with anger constructively, they’re often confused about what to do with their anger. In the last 20 years, I’ve worked with thousands of people to help them learn how to appropriately deal with their anger,” said Paul Hegstrom, Ph.D.Founder of Life Skills International (which was developed to teach hurting people the skills they should have learned in a balanced, loving home from birth to 18 years of age).

In marriage, so many couples are blind-sided by how quickly and negatively their communication with one another changes. They never thought it would happen to them. Did you? We didn’t. Somehow we thought our relationship was solid and wouldn’t suffer the same damage as most married couples experienced all around us.

We thought our love was different and would only continue to grow deeper. We’d be the exception to what’s happening in marriages yesterday and today. We thought that we were such a great team because we were able to talk together for hours; we enjoyed learning more and more about each other, and we were on the same wave-length so much of the time that it never even occurred to us that we’d ever have a communication problem in our marriage.

We’d often discuss the communication break-down in family members and friends we knew and were sure that we “had it together” in how we related to each other. We didn’t realize that we didn’t have a clue as to how life could slide us apart in its everydayness. We were clueless in how to deal with each other’s idiosyncrasies and approaches to every problem that came our way. We thought we knew—but we didn’t!

And as a result we half-killed our marital relationship and each other with our immature, self-seeking approaches in how we dealt with conflict.

Eventually, the Lord revealed to us, that what appeared to be natural in the way we dealt with life situations thrown at us, and especially in the way we dealt with each other was destructive and misguided. The Bible says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12). And for us, it was almost the death of our marriage.

For all of us, when we find we’re mis-communicating with each other and we don’t feel understood by each other and when bitterness seems to be setting into our marital relationship, that’s when we need to ” unlearn” some of the negative behaviors we picked up. And then we need to reach out beyond ourselves to learn the skills that truly will open up the lines of communication. And most it often isn’t a “once for all” type of education. We’ve found personally, even though we know how to resolve conflict in healthy ways; we can still fall into the old traps if we’re not careful.

When we were first married, there weren’t the resources available to us to teach us the skills we needed to learn to better communicate with each other. So we ended up learning the extremely long and most difficult way to learn anything—by trial and error—and we do mean a lot of errors!

Today, couples don’t have to go through that many heart-wrenching difficulties, because there are so many resources available; it’s a crying shame to allow that much unnecessary pain to enter your relationship. At the end of our message we’ll give you a few resource titles that may be of help to you.

But first we want to share the contents of a newspaper article, written by Julie Baumgardner that may give you a few pointers on this subject. It appeared in the Chattanooga Times Free Press this year and is entitled: “Irreconcilable Differences.” It reads:

An irreconcilable difference is the excuse many couples use for divorcing. Mark and Lori Kuebler found that they had more differences than things in common. They could have easily used irreconcilable differences as grounds for ending their marriage. Instead, they chose to take what was working against their marriage and make it work for their marriage. “It almost became a game to see who could have the last word or end up being right,” said Mrs. Kuelber about their relationship, which was on the brink of divorce.

A couple’s mindset about conflict and how they resolve it is the single most significant predictor of whether or not a marriage can thrive,” said Janet Bales, Marriage Educator and Counselor. “What couples often don’t understand about conflict is that it’s not about having the last word. It’s about taking the time to understand where the other person’s coming from and the willingness to deal with the issues at hand in a constructive way.”

According to the 2002 County Marriage Report, money’s the #1 area of conflict for couples followed by sex, children, in-laws and work. “Although most couples usually experience conflict in the same areas, the majority of conflicts aren’t always about the issues that are on the table,” said Mrs. Bales. “It’s usually about deeper, hidden issues such as recognition, control, commitment, respect or integrity, and caring.”

The way in which couples attempt to resolve conflict often is based on what they’ve learned growing up. Techniques, such as the silent treatment or running away, are ineffective and tend to create more conflict. Couples who recognize that they’ve learned poor techniques can become skillful by learning new, more effective methods which will allow them to resolve the conflict at hand and move on.

Mrs. Bales works to help couples understand that conflict is about trying to get needs met. If you feel like you’re in constant conflict with your spouse she suggests the following:

•  Both parties must agree to cool off and discuss the issue in a calm manner.

•  Make sure you’re at a safe place and have agreed upon rules that will provide the structure and safety to deal with these highly emotional issues. Deal with one issue at a time.

•  Identify the issue that’s at the heart of the conflict, which means you have to be committed to listening to each other about the issue. This isn’t problem solving time—you’re LISTENING.

•  Understand each other’s history about the issue. One couple argued constantly about their daughter getting her driver’s license. On the surface the issue was about the driver’s license. The deeper, hidden issue was that her father had been a policeman and insurance agent and was very concerned about the well being of his daughter.

•  Finally, brainstorm ways to resolve the conflict. Don’t expect this process to happen overnight. Sometimes issues are truly irreconcilable and couples must agree to disagree. Statistics show that 60% of arguments are unresolvable. It’s the way that couples handle the disagreement that makes the difference in a healthy and an unhealthy relationship.

The Kuebler’s recognized that it’s about being a team. A true win/win means that their marriage is going to work because they’re focused on the good of the team and not individual gain.

As we read the above article we thought, “How much more should we as Born-again Believers live in our marriages be focused on the good of each other as a team, and especially focused on the good of the Kingdom in how we relate to each other!” Repeatedly, we must remind ourselves, “how we live out our marital commitment to each other doesn’t just affect us, it also affects others around us and affects God’s kingdom.

We’re called to be promise-keepers. We’re called to “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1).

In closing, before we give you a list of some of the resources available to help us on this subject, we need to say something. We need to emphasize that it takes a real time of reckoning, and a real time of allowing ourselves to be humbled to come to the point where we’re willing to admit we need help in this area. The Bible says, “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice” (Proverbs 13:10).

So first comes a time of allowing ourselves to be humbled, and then comes a time of conceding with the Lord, ourselves, each other, and others that it’s time to reach out for the wisdom that’s available so we get the help we need.

How about for you? Is today the day of reckoning, humbling, and reaching out for the wisdom that’s available in how you deal with each other in your marriage? If you and your spouse find yourselves battling with each other in unhealthy ways, you owe it to everyone in your life including each other, and most importantly the Lord, to learn how to resolve your conflicts in healthy ways. Below is a short list of a few recommended resources:

•  Before A Bad Goodbye -by Dr. Tim Clinton (Word Publishing)

•  Loving Solutions -by Dr. Gary Chapman (Northfield Publishing)

•  A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage -by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain and Milt Bryan

•  Getting the Best of Your Anger -by Dr. Les Carter

•  Loving Solutions -by Dr. Gary Chapman

•  The Other Side of Love (Dealing with Anger) -by Dr Gary Chapman

We also recommend for you to go to a Christian bookstore, ask your pastor, or a counselor for what they would recommend. You could even ask your pastor if the church would bring someone in who would be qualified in teaching couples how to resolve conflict in marriage. It could be a type of workshop that would be extremely helpful to all who attend!

It’s our prayer that together we look on our marriages as covenantal permanent relationships ordained by God to bring glory to His Kingdom. Our marriages are to be viewed as mission fields to each other first, and then to those God brings into our lives to witness the miracle of love that God can bring about through ordinary human beings and has available to all who call upon Him. May the Lord bless you in this effort!

Steve and Cindy Wright

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