Have you ever noticed how the adulterous woman in the book of Proverbs seduces the unwitting young man? It’s not with sex (okay, it’s not just with sex); it’s with flattery. “She threw her arms around him… and with a brazen look she said, “I’ve offered my sacrifices and just finished my vows. It’s you I was looking for!’ …With her flattery she enticed him. He followed her at once” (from Proverbs 7).
Flattery is simply a seductive counterfeit for affirmation. As one marriage counselor told me, “Affirmation is everything. When a man is affirmed, he can conquer the world. When he’s not, he is sapped of his confidence and even his feeling of manhood. And believe me, he will, consciously or unconsciously, seek out places where he receives affirmation.”
Home is the most important place for a man to be affirmed. If a man knows that his wife believes in him, he is empowered to do better in every area of his life. A man tends to think of life as a competition and a battle, and he can energetically fight it out if he can come home to someone who supports him unconditionally, who will wipe his brow and tell him he can do it. As one of our close friends told me, “It’s all about whether my wife thinks I can do it. A husband can slay dragons, climb mountains, and win great victories if he believes his wife believes that he can.”
Don’t tear him down!
If instead of affirming, a wife reinforces her husband’s feelings of inadequacy, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if we focus on our attention on what he is doing wrong in the relationship, we can unwittingly undermine what we most want—for him to do it right.
But I discovered a dismaying fact. Of the men I surveyed, only one man in four felt actively appreciated by his family. And 44 percent of men actually felt unappreciated at home. More pointedly, men in their prime years of responsibility for home, children, and work —men between their ages of thirty-six and fifty-five —felt even less appreciated.
I’ll bet that many of the wives or girlfriends of these men would be surprised to learn that they didn’t feel appreciated. My guess is that most of us do appreciate our men but don’t show it enough.
He’ll seek affirmation somewhere
If a man isn’t convinced that his woman thinks he’s the greatest, he will tend to seek affirmation elsewhere. He may spend more hours at work, where he feels alive and on top of his game, or he may spend too much time talking to the admiring female associate. He may immerse himself in watching or playing sports, feeling the thrill of the competitive rush. Or he may retreat to his workshop or his home office, feeling like he can control things there even if he feels inadequate and clumsy elsewhere.
“Why else do you think,” one man asked me, “so many men take sports so seriously? It’s something they feel good at, something they’ve practiced. They are admired and encouraged by other men on the field. People say ‘good hit?’ or ‘good shot!’ or show by tightening their defense that they know you’re about to smoke them. There’s nothing like that feeling. But I feel that same way at home when my wife applauds me for bringing in a big business deal or brags to her friends about what a good father I am. It’s that same feeling.”
During my clinical research for The Lights of Tenth Street, several experts told me that a chronic lack of affirmation is one reason so many men slip into pornography addiction. For whatever reason, they feel like less than a man, so they seek —and find! —affirmation in pornography. As one man pointed out, “All those women in the men’s magazines convey one message: ‘I want you, and you are the most desirable man in the world.’ My wife may be nagging me at home, the kids may be disobedient, and I may be worried about messing up at work, but look at the woman in that picture makes me feel like a man.”
If affirmation is indeed everything, why should a man have to look for it in other places when he has a wife who loves and respects him? There’s nothing wrong with work, sports, or hobbies— it’s wonderful for him to feel alive and encouraged in those pursuits— but they shouldn’t have to be a retreat from an un-affirming home life.
Create a safety zone
Obviously, if many of our men spend their workdays feeling like they are always being watched and judged, it is no wonder that they want to come home to a totally accepting environment, where they can safely let their guard down. Men need a place where they can make their mistakes in peace and not constantly worry that they are one misstep away from being exposed.
If we don’t realize this and are perhaps too attentive to their mistakes at home, we risk creating a situation that is the opposite of what we want. Most of us want our men to be able to relax and truly open up to us. But in many ways, it is up to us to create the intimate, safe environment that makes that possible.
We may think that the adage, “his home must be his haven” is antiquated and unnecessary these days, but that is far from the truth. In fact, as the workplace has gotten harsher and less loyal, more demanding and less tolerant of mistakes, I’d say it’s even more important that a man’s home be a haven. Most of the men I talked with crave a retreat from the daily pressure of always having to perform.
The gift of confidence
I heard from many men, “Men put a lot of pressure on themselves.” On the survey, one husband pleaded, “I want my wife to know and understand my weaknesses, failings, short-comings, and still want me. I need her to be my number one source of encouragement to become the man God created me to be.”
We might think we wouldn’t have the ability to change our man’s feelings of workplace inadequacy, but we would be wrong. By staunchly supporting our men, showing that we believe in them, and providing an emotionally safe environment to come home to, we can help give them at least the emotional confidence they need to dive back into the daily workplace fray.
In his autobiography, Jack: Straight from the Gut, Jack Welch, the famous chairman and CEO of General Electric, provides an insight for businessmen that is important for every wife —and mother —to hear. Speaking about his mother, he wrote:
Perhaps the greatest single gift she gave me was self-confidence. It’s what I’ve looked for and tried to build in every executive who has every worked with me. Confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible. Building self-confidence in others is a huge part of leadership. It comes from providing opportunities and challenges for people to do things they never imagined they could do —rewarding them after each success in every way possible.
A wife can give her husband that confidence (just as, hopefully, a husband can for his wife). It’s not about being the supportive “little woman.” It’s about realizing that despite their veneer of confidence, our husbands really do “carry their treasures in fragile containers,” and they crave our affirmation for how they did on that play. It’s about sending the man we love into the world every day —alive with the belief that he can slay dragons.
The above article comes from the book FOR WOMEN ONLY… What you Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men -by Shaunti Feldhahn, published by Multnomah. This is a GREAT book to help women learn about what motivates men and their thought processes behind their actions (or non-actions). Shaunti had interviewed over 1000 men in researching this book. As a result she found that she didn’t know the mind of her husband and others like she thought she did. So what she does in this book is reveal the findings her research brought out so that other women can better understand the men in their lives which will help them to better interact with them Preview or Purchase this book now
There is also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available, written by Shaunti Feldhahn along with Lisa Rice, which is published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used in small groups, or even for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many women, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “So what do I do with the information I’ve just been given?” This discussion guide is designed to answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn in your own life. Preview or purchase this book now
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(SOUTH AFRICA) I am so rudely awakened because of the blatant truth from this article. I always felt like my husband does not have enough time for me and puts more priority on work, sports and his cellphone. I have experienced the joy of his reaction when I affirm and the negativity when I nag. I can just say I am challenged by this article. I thank you for a most wonderful website. I have gone through various challenges in my life (including my marriage) and have found so much comfort and answers from this website. May God bless you.
(USA) I read the first part of this article… and oh how it hit home: An ex girlfriend of my husband has contacted him a year ago on his birthday via email and contacted him again this past month. I found a note that he was typing on the internet the morning after. It had to do with some advice that she wanted about some married couple that they both knew and of course when I found it I was just blown away!
When confronting my husband, he was not happy I came upon it and goes on to tell me that it is not anything at all and it was only the second time. The first was a happy birthday and this is all taking place 10 years after he broke up with her… I have been sick over it and it showed for about 2 and half weeks. What I read about in this article is certainly hitting home. I will never know whether or not it has ended and matter of fact very upset with me that it effected me the way it did. But I plan on buying the book and reading further.
(USA) This is so true! We have been married just under 2 yrs now. I thought our life was good, but for him, it wasn’t. 18 months ago, when we were having issues with his son, he started reaching out to other women, not one, not two, but many, primarily via the internet. All seemingly innocent conversations, but understandably, it was very upsetting to me.
It has taken us a year to get to this point, where his need for affirmation has been nailed down as to why he does this. He is now in counseling and I am learning that I need to be verbal in my praise of him. We are opposites. I crave someone to do things for me; he craves verbal attention. We are now rebuilding our relationship, including my trust in him. With the knowledge that his needs must be met, we stand a chance.
To anyone else in this boat, take heart. Know that if you meet his needs for affirmation, your marriage will thrive! It is not a sign of weakness to give affirmation, it is a symbol of your love for him.
(USA) I can see this point of view. However, why is it ALWAYS about men not feeling appreciated and going elsewhere when women are forever and a day juggling work, kids, home and husband day in and out… often without feeling appreciated. You don’t see women running down Joe, Don, and John over it…
(USA) PJ, sure you do. For every man having an affair, there is a woman right there with him. Women cheat, and in numbers likely equal to men. Unless of course, you are saying men are having affairs with other men. These women are looking for many of the same things men are, which is that affirmation.
So don’t buy the lie that men are more morally corrupt than women. Cheating is not a gender trait, it’s a character issue. Folks with bad character are equally represented in both genders. Scripture says we are ALL sinners, and ALL fall short of the glory of God.
Just ask me, I was a betrayed husband. My ex-wife cheated and divorced and now is largely alone. It’s not just men who do this. Women are in on the act too.
(KENYA) Affirm him? Who affirms me? I wake up every morning, juggle 3 babies aged 1, 3 and 5, make sure one goes to school and the others are taken care of by 2 maids whose salaries I pay and I go to work till 6 pm every day. I got this job this year in April after having been retrenched in January when I was on maternity leave. Before I got this job, I was at home and found a business idea which when I prenseted it to him. I was told I cannot work but in the last 2 months that Idea has generated roughly 30% of what I am making at my full time job. In February this year, My son had to go for a heart operation in India and my husband refused to go saying that I would have to go. I did because it was my child I was looking out for. This year, I have not had my husband say Janet, well done, you have done well or even give me a hug for what I have gone through.
He has cheated on me when I was pregnant, and He is flirting with another now> How come I haven’t gotten out of my house to look for someone to affirm me?
(USA) Hi Janet, Unfortunately, the current world will never be fair because of the presence of the devil working through the people we love. But there is a promise for a stress-free everlasting life through the blood of Jesus Christ. We wouldn’t be happy without that hope because the world is a mess full of adulterers, selfish people etc.
But we can live our lives right now with a better understanding of what is to come, bearing in mind that all the problems we have are temporary and God can see everything from above. Our justification comes from him alone. So let us prepare ourselves for the future by our contact regardless of the hardships we face or how others treat us “do everything as unto the Lord”. Even if your husband is cold to you or unappreciative, you know God has your reward. So God is your affirmer. If you please God, its all good for you now and forever.
We are the light of the world. It may not make sense to be good to those who wrong us but we should remember that God loved us and still does despite our many sins. Don’t repay evil with evil for you will miss out on the wonderful promises to come.
Save yourself more pain by establishing a good relationship with God. Your husband may fail you but the Lord never will. All you do should, therefore, be a dedication to God. You have done very well for your family so far.
(USA) Hi Janet, First of all let me say that I am so sorry for what you have gone through.
I don’t think this article is suggesting that if your husband cheats it is because you haven’t affirmed him enough. I think it is saying that in situations where wives do not affirm and encourage their husbands, the husband will be open to temptation from other women who will do that. I know that through my darkest times, I am grateful that there was no other woman, no “friend” in my life that was a woman and who made me feel appreciated. It would have been a huge, huge temptation.
I remember a wise counselor once told me… people don’t make other people sin. We sin, and our sin reveals the sin in the heart of other people in how they react to our sin. You didn’t make your husband cheat, nor did he make you bitter in response to what he has done or hasn’t done. But we all do things that make it hard for each other, and sometimes we ignore those things because we are so active and responsible in other areas.
I used to do so much for my wife (and I still do), and it made me feel entitled, like “who is she to complain about me? She is just selfish!” But in truth, I was neglecting certain areas of our marriage -partly because I was not dealing with things but instead hiding and withdrawing from them. Did that “make” her do any of the things she did to me? No. But neither did all of my “good deeds” make me somehow more deserving of, or entitled to, a perfect little life.
So sorry for what you have endured. I pray he wakes up, and I pray you do, too, where the Lord wants you to.
(USA) Wives do need to be affirmed and appreciated. They need to know that their man only has eyes for them, and that his eyes for her are “large” and desirous.
But as a man who has been married over a decade and for large portions of our marriage has been on the receiving end of being torn down over and over, I can tell you that it really does work against you, ladies. You can’t abuse your man into becoming a better husband. He will withdraw, and he may not even really know why. You will feel more alone, and he will become sullen and destroyed. Is it your sole responsibility to affirm him and constantly make him feel good about himself? No. But if you want to destroy a man, if you want a husband who is a shell of a person, keep putting him down. (And I know that goes both ways, guys! Treat your women right!)
Marriage is the most intimate union on earth. That means there is the most “nakedness” between two people. If you want to kill that intimacy, jab a dagger into him every time he is exposed for all he is as the imperfect man he really is. He will close up and hide quicker than you can blink. And eventually he will shut down.
It is only in the past few years that my wife and I have been working through some of these things, and I have finally felt confident enough to tell her how I have been affected by her words and actions over the years. That honesty has breathed new life. I’ve been learning that I can be who I am, I can tell her when I am afraid to get close to her, and she has (with her actions) shown me that it is safe once again.
Think of intimacy as safety. If you kill that safety, you will kill the intimacy, and your marriage will fall apart. It really is that simple. It doesn’t mean you don’t speak the truth It means you do speak the truth, but always within the context of covenantal acceptance and love. The other person knows it is safe to hear your criticisms because, first, they are certain that you love, accept, and will not reject and abandon them. If you haven’t worked to establish that safety with your spouse (whether you are the husband or the wife), you need to keep your mouth shut and humble yourself.
(USA) Since this article is for married women to help them learn to better love and respect their husbands, I thought it might be helpful to list some of the things that tear men down and ultimately will kill your marriage:
1. Treat your marriage like a contract rather than a covenant. Lead him to believe that your love is something he can only keep if her performs “up to snuff.” When he fails, criticize and punish him.
2. Have an affair, even just an emotional one. You think husbands can’t tell when their wives get really close with a “guy friend”? They can tell. But when they get upset, make them feel like they are crossing your boundaries. This will make them feel crazy, like they don’t know what is right and wrong any more.
3. Keep score of his failings. Tell him things like, “You never [fill in the blank].” It must be nice to know that such a pathetic excuse for a husband has such a perfect wife, right?
4. Reject him repeatedly. Make it feel like you waited and waited for him to shape up, but he just couldn’t pull it together. Then reject him. Then give him another chance. Then start the whole process over again.
5. Compare him to other men. Tell him how so-and-so seems so much better in this area. Compare him to past lovers you’ve had. Tell him how inadequate he is in comparison to them.
6. Tell him he is not a man. That will really help him step up to the plate in his weaknesses (sarcasm). Yes, a man sometimes does need a step up. But a man is still a human being, not a dog.
7. Use the “well, its the truth” excuse. Refuse to take responsibility for how you have torn him down by just saying, “Hey, its true.” The truth is meant to be spoken in love for the betterment of the other person and the relationship, not to belittle, condemn, and punish people.
8. Tell him you want him to make decisions and take initiative, and then when he does criticize him and treat him like a little boy. Take it out of his hands and do it yourself.
9. Tell him you want him to lead, but then refuse to submit to him. When he tries to lead, make him feel stupid and crazy because it isn’t the way you would do it.
I hope these help!
(USA) What about me? A wife of only 4 years, I go to college, work full time, raise my 5 year old… my husband is gone a lot. Apparently, I do not have enough sex, cook, or clean enough for him. Can anyone help me? Advice, anything… I also feel like I have been recorded or video taped in my own home. Not because of a feeling or anything like that, just because of some things that he has said that he should not know about (personal stuff between myself and my sister). He is not physically abusive. Is this familiar to anyone? How can I truly tell if I am being watched? This is not a joke, I need some answers. Thanks in advance.
(S. AFRICA) Brenda, I am not quite sure what you are looking for. I understand how hard it must be to go to College, work full time, have the responsibility to raise a 5 year old, cook, clean etc. You are also accused of “lack of sex”. You must be exhausted by bedtime, I understand. From what you have written I think a good heart to heart talk (at the right time) between you and your husband is overdue.
Why do you feel you are being watched? This should not bother you at all if you have nothing to hide. If that is so, then just let it go. As to personal stuff between you and your sister, this could be causing at lot of problems in your marriage. Your husband needs to be assured of your love and it is not OK to discuss private matters with anybody but him. Please do not let these feelings of yours go unresolved – sort them out immediately. I made that mistake and am going through a divorce at the moment for those very reasons. I wish I could have a second chance but it’s too late. If I have read you are wrong let me know. Put God first in your marriage and everything will fall into place.