“He completes me”…“She is my other half.” Have you heard similar statements like those? We have. And those statements can have a lot of truth to them. Sometimes we CAN be so helpful to our spouse that it’s almost as if the two can make one whole. But it’s not something that usually comes naturally — it takes work!

Because human beings are so different from each other in a variety of ways, such as having different talents, personality quirks, habits, backgrounds, expectations, gender differences, and the list goes on and on — these differences can eventually complicate the harmony we aim for in our relationship with each other.

But because we’re different as individuals, does that mean that we’re “doomed” to keep clashing over everything that comes up? Of course not! It just means we have to work harder at living together in a harmonious way than we may have otherwise thought.

Are you in a marriage where your differences are interfering with the “oneness” that we’re told we’re to experience when we marry? Read what Dr Gary Smalley www.dnaofrelationships.com says about such a challenge. He wrote:

Neither marriage nor any other human relationship makes one whole out of two halves. When you expect a human relationship to turn your half into a whole, you’re headed for disappointment. Why? Because what really happens is that you believe this other (flawed) person will make up for your personal deficiencies. This is when your heartache and disappointment and disillusionment double. It’s not hard to see why. In your experience, do two unhappy or incomplete people normally form one happy couple? Not usually.

Abraham Lincoln spoke wisely when he said, “I reckon that people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” You, and not someone else, choose how you will react to what life throws at you. You, and no one else, decide what you will do when someone pushes your emotional buttons. The practical equivalent of “You will be about as happy as you make up your mind to be” is nothing but “Only by exercising the Power of One—by taking personal responsibility for your thoughts—will you find the secret to building strong relationships.” The thoughts you have and your reactions to life determine your level of happiness and fulfillment. My thinking today is, God alone is my happiness, life, love, and fulfillment (Ephesians 3:16-20).

Have you put your expectations in other people for happiness?

When it comes to your unhappiness,

“You need to quit blaming your spouse, children, parents, mother-in-law, boss, or the dog! They aren’t responsible for your unhappiness. Sure they may be contributing to the hurt, but unless there is abuse in your life, you are responsible for how you respond. My friend Dr. Henry Cloud summarized it this way: ‘I cannot blame them for what I do with what they do to me. I am responsible for how I respond’.” (Jim Burns, Creating an Intimate Marriage)

I know this is difficult advice to take. We all want “fairy tale” endings in marriage. And when we see others enjoying it, it seems “unfair” that we can’t have it too. But almost always, in order to live out the best that marital partnership can give you, it takes hard work on those involved in the relationship. It may look like it’s easy to have a good marriage when you enter it loving each other so much, but in order for love to grow, it usually takes a lot of hard work to get it there.

As Linda Miles (co-author of the book The New Marriage) says, “All those ‘and they lived happily ever after’ fairy tale endings need to be changed to ‘and they began the very hard work of making their marriages happy.’”

Even by applying yourself and really working hard at making your relationship work, even then, some marriages STILL don’t turn out as well as everyone would like. But at least you know that you’ve done your part. And you’ve grown in character whenever you’ve persevered and put in the effort that God asks of us in a covenant relationship.

We’re reminded of the verses in the Bible in 2 Peter 1:5-8 where it says, “For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. If you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

That is our prayer for you—that you will “make every effort” to live your life in faithfulness to all that embodies the character of Christ in your marriage. “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” (Galatians 6:9-10)

Our love and prayers are with you as together we strive to make our marriages the best they can be, because of Jesus Christ,

Cindy and Steve Wright