We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5)

Unfortunately most of us enter into marriage slanted in the way we view situations that come up in the “every day-ness” of living together as husband and wife. Right from the start, we go in with unrealistic expectations and with different experiences in our upbringing which distorts a lot of the way we view “how things should be.” We also go into it with emotional baggage from our differing life experiences that complicate the situation even more. As a result, it’s only logical that eventually there will be some real battles ahead.

And of course, when we really think about it, why would we expect otherwise? As we’ve too often found out, “you date the adult, but you marry the child within.” In a perfect world that wouldn’t be, but we don’t live in a perfect world—the Cinderella story isn’t reality—so we have to work out these differing problems the best way possible. It’s important to find ways to peaceably look at “his way of looking at things” and “her way of looking at things” and find a Christ-like way to make it into “our way of approaching things.”

“Unless couples CREATE compatibility THROUGHOUT their marriage, the compatibility they had at the time of their wedding will be destroyed” (Willard Harley).

We overlook that principle too often after the wedding ceremony. It takes a lot of work to keep love alive when life situations bombard us and bring to the surface the different ways we each think “things should be.” That’s when we need to respectfully work WITH each other in Truth, to create compatibility which honors Christ and each other. It will require a blending of our “value systems, giving each other’s wisdom an opportunity to override the other’s foolishness.”

To do that, it will take an uprooting of the destructive thinking that’s causing our slanted short-sightedness. And it will take intentional destroying of “speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God.” It will also take a lot of soul-searching prayer asking for God’s wisdom, and help in extending the grace we need to give each other in working THROUGH these different ways of dealing with that which causes conflict in our relationship.

As Stephen Covey in his excellent book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families points out, “If you carefully consider the problems people face in marriage, you’ll find that in almost every case they arise out of conflicting role expectations and problem-solving strategies.” Think about that statement—there’s so much truth to it.

He also goes on to talk about how we bring into marriage totally different nurturing experiences. It may be that “one has learned to love unconditionally. The other conditionally. They meet and begin dating. After a while they say to each other, “I love you.” They get married. But within a few months of living together, of interacting intimately with each other on a daily basis, they’re in trouble. Can you imagine the problems that could accumulate over time if these two people never developed a common understanding of “love?”

And what if, as he goes on to say, they “never learned to discuss real problems or confront issues? What if they simply whisked them under the rug, pretending they didn’t exist, essentially putting their heads in the sand? What if they never learned to really communicate because things were so positive and supportive? And what if the other’s family dealt with problems and differences either by fighting (yelling, screaming, blaming, and accusing) or “flighting” (taking off, slamming doors, or walking out)?

On top of two altogether different nurturing experiences, they would have learned two altogether different approaches to solving their problems.

Can you see how each major difference compounds the problem? Can you see how the negative hurt feelings produced by unsuccessfully dealing with these differences could easily feed on themselves, and how a relationship could quickly deteriorate from one of attraction of accommodation, then to toleration, and finally to hostility?”

With that in mind—so what? Where do you go with all of this from here, especially if you’ve been married for a while and you’re tired of the conflict and don’t know how to break free from all of the complications it’s brought into your marriage? We’d love to say there’s an easy answer—but there isn’t. You have to “DEAL with it.” You HAVE to deal with it. It won’t go away and by sweeping it under the carpet. Bring the “darkness” to the Light of Christ. That’s what we’ve had to do.

We finally stopped arm wrestling with each other over conflicts. We decided to LEARN THE SKILLS we needed so we would live with each other in an “understanding” way. We applied the truths of Proverbs 2:1-6 that says: “If you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”

We became students of each other, and students of marriage, and students of God’s word. We prayed; we searched; we committed our lives to learn what we needed to so we would glorify God in every way we dealt with each other. In today’s world, the tools are out there to help us to learn if we want to learn bad enough. And we’ve personally been using them and learning from them—and we’re still learning everyday. And trust us, it’s worth every tear and every moment of pain!

How we deal with each other and treat each other in marriage is not about us. It’s about God. It’s about laying our old selves down at the altar and picking up the cross of Christ for all to see. IT’S ALL ABOUT GOD. We had better never forget that. It goes beyond being “fair or unfair” in how we communicate with each other. It’s honoring the Lord and each other above our own “comforts.” Jeff and Lora Helton in their book Authentic Marriages points out:

Couples tend to operate under a secret barter system. The key word in the system is “fair,” the key concept is “keeping score,” and the key phrase is “It’s my turn now.” The reality is that there’s no such thing as perfect fairness. In addition, when we base our relationship on fairness we’re constantly reacting to the other person’s behavior.

INTEGRITY, on the other hand, builds stability in our relationships. Integrity has been defined as “who you are when no one is looking.” A person of integrity is convinced that the unrelenting pursuit toward wholeness and godliness is more valuable than fairness. Integrity has nothing to do with how the other person’s behaving. It’s doing what is consistent with the person you want to be regardless of the external environment. And serenity of spirit cannot be achieved until we accept full responsibility for our own actions and feelings rather than letting our spouse’s behavior determine how we behave.

In conclusion, the covenant of marriage is all about honoring one another—honoring God first, and then each other above ourselves. It’s “pro-actively” learning all we need to so that we truly do learn how to eliminate “childish behavior” on our part, and we learn to conduct ourselves with integrity, “speaking the truth in love”… “destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God.”

That is our prayer for you. and for us. We pray that together, we’ll make our marriages the best they can be with the power of, and for the testimony of our God.

Steve and Cindy Wright

 Print This Page (printer-friendly)

 Email This Page