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My spouse has an awful temper but blames me for causing it. What can I do to avoid triggering it? Is there anything I can do to take the steam out of his temper if he won’t work on it?

ANSWER: When you two are in a calm mood, ask him what hurt him. Then, practice saying things in a matter-of-fact way. Know, however, that he needs to take responsibility for his display of temper.

Do not reinforce his temper. When he blasts off, do not argue. The most you want to say is, “I’ll talk with you when you’re calm.” You may need to wait until he is calm to say this.

Most people with tempers will display just as much temper as they can get away with. So, if you don’t like the temper outbursts, tell him you are simply unwilling to put up with them. Tell him what will happen when he allows his temper to get out of control. You might say, “When you yell, I’m going to leave the house. I’ll return when you speak in a normal voice.” Then you must be willing to follow through. You will find that you can set the limit anywhere you want and, if you mean it, the person will adjust his behavior.

GETTING YOUR TEMPER UNDER CONTROL:

The earlier temper control is begun, the easier it is to effect alternative ways for its management. A temper is something that lives only through reinforcement. It can be controlled in the child if the child is taught to find other means to get his or her needs met. But, because that rarely happens, let’s pick up on the adult level, learning how to break the temper cycle.

Temper gets a particular hold on ADD [those with Attention Deficit Disorder] people because of the tendency for emotional flooding to occur. So:

• Never try to deal with a temper when it is active.

• Make plans when all is calm, cool, and collected.

• Acknowledge that you have a temper.

• Forget the business of blaming others. To be sure, someone cutting in front of you on the freeway may have triggered your anxiety, surprised you, or frightened you, but your particular reaction of temper is your responsibility.

• You must realize that there are other ways to react to the stress. And with your willingness, you can learn alternatives that work particularly well for you in dealing with family and work settings, the places where temper is most likely to work against you.

1) Decide on a signal that means it’s time to stop whatever is going on. In our house, it’s the “time out” sign used in sports. Anyone in the family can use it and we automatically stop—no questions asked. The questions can come later. This time-out breaks into the flooding and stops the emotions from taking over.

Tell your partner, “I’m going to read for a while.” If others are around, tell them you’ll be back in a little while. Go to the store for milk if you have to. If it is your partner who’s having the trouble, be nonchalant with other people and just say, “He’s taking a break.”

2) Identify the feeling underlying the anger—fear, frustration, helplessness, hopelessness—and use words to express that feeling. “I feel helpless in this situation.” — “I felt frightened when that car pulled out in front of me.” — “I feel put down by you.”

Be honest. It may be hard at first, but pays off once you’ve learned to do it. Start by making the statements to yourself, if it’s too difficult to do so with others initially.

3) Ask yourself two simple questions: “What do I need to feel better or become a winner here? How can I get it?”

4) Promise yourself that you will continue to work to get what you want without throwing a temper tantrum.

5) Congratulate yourself on a job well done.

You’ll be surprised how quickly you can break the temper cycle by following these steps. It is not a long, trying process—unless someone around you enables you to continue with your temper or even cultivates it by reinforcing it. They do you no favor but probably don’t know any better, so you might as well make up your mind to open up alternatives in spite of them.

ANSWER: Ask him, “What will it take to get you to relax? I’ve changed and I need you to catch up with my changes.” Do realize, though, that it may take several months for him to catch up. It won’t happen all in one day, either. So some patience on your part is wise.

QUESTION: Are there certain circumstances when a person’s temper will be more likely to erupt even after control measures have been learned?

ANSWERS: Tiredness is the biggest culprit I know. Also, keep track of the amount of stress that you are under. Times of change are high stress times and likely circumstances for an explosion.

[Marriage Missions Editor's Note: Keep in mind that if you're too busy to be kind — you're too busy. You need to look to see what life style choices can be made so this stressful time can be defused in such a way that you're able to approach life as marital partners — not enemies. Your spouse is not to be treated as the enemy.

"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not pay evil with evil or insult with insult , but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it " (1 Peter 3:8-11).]

The above article came from the writings of Dr Lynn Weiss in her secular book, “Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults”, published by Taylor Publishing Company, Dallas, Texas. Dr. Lynn Weiss, is a psychotherapist and mother of an ADD son.

In this book Dr Weiss answers questions of concerned readers, explaining what ADD is how it manifests itself in adults, and what can be done to cope with it.

You then will have the option on their web site to read other related articles such as: “Emotional Abuse in the Local Church” if you wish to read further on this topic.

To read, “Healing the Emotionally Abusive Marriage” we will take you to the ministry of Focus on the Family.

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Our human nature does not want to offer a blessing after receiving an insult. Our instinct is to follow the example: “I’ll show him. He hasn’t seen anything yet! I’ve just begun to fight.” In our rights-oriented society, God’s way seems ridiculous and painfully slow. We don’t think it will work. Rather, we want change instantly because we live in an instant society. Remember, God’s ways are not always our ways and His timing is not ours either. What’s happening in your marriage? Are you ready to listen to God?

To better understand what God means when He says to return a blessing when insulted, we need to define what the Scripture refers to as an insult and a blessing. There are many examples of each, and we will look at several.

Concerning insults, the Scriptures give many exhortations. Seven are particularly relevant to marriage:

1. Name-calling. God admonishes us not to belittle others. Name-calling is always a threat to marital love and causes fear in the one receiving the insult. Any consistent negative reference to someone is demoralizing and destroys self-confidence.

But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. (Matthew 5:22)

2. Sarcasm and ridicule. Dwelling on intellectual, social, or physical ineptness certainly hampers marital oneness. Examples: “You burned the food again!” “Why are you so quiet when we’re with our friends? I wish you’d just speak up!” “You can’t do anything right!”

A fool’s lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating. (Proverbs 18:6)

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)

3. A nagging wife. Scripture is bold in its condemnation of a woman who doesn’t trust or respect her husband enough to stop nagging on any given subject. “How many times do I have to tell you?” or “You never do this for me,” or “You always come.”

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 21:9)

A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand. (Proverbs 27:15-16)

4. A contentious man. Scripture speaks just as forcefully of a quarrelsome man who is always picking a fight. This kind of macho man thinks he is always right, refuses to back down, bullies his wife, and is too arrogant to ask for forgiveness.

As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife. (Proverbs 26:21)

5. An unbridled tongue. Scripture speaks of the powerfully negative effect of the tongue when it is not controlled. We can poison and destroy another person by using profanity, cutting remarks that put down each other, and always citing the negative in any situation. Sometimes the effects can scar our mate or child for life.

Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. (James 3:5-10)

6. Lying to your spouse. Scripture speaks of the serious consequences of not telling the full truth, covering the truth, or using little white lies. This results in a lack of trust and openness between spouses and causes disunity.

Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord. (Proverbs 12:22)

7. Insult and abuse in general. Immorality (which would include adultery and pornography), sorcery, enmities (including profanity), strife, dissensions, drunkenness, and unrighteousness of all types are grouped in this last category.

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. (Galatians 5:19-21)

When you are wronged, God says to bless a person instead of insulting him. An insult is usually the natural human response, while blessing a person requires a decision of the will and empowerment by the Holy Spirit. Consider the following uses of blessings in Scripture, and apply them to your marriage.

1. Giving praise to God.

Immediately his mouth was opened and his tongue was loosed, and he began to speak, praising God. (Luke 1:64)

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (Luke 6:27-28)

I thank God, whom I serve, as my forefathers did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers. Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy. I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. (2 Timothy 1:3-6)

Concerning your mate, ask yourself, What positive qualities about my mate can I use to verbally praise him or her?

2. Giving thanks to God for His gifts and favor.

Immediately his mouth was opened and his tongue was loosed, and he began to speak, praising God. (Luke 1:64)

Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying: “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all people, a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel.” (Luke 2:28-32)

Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to set before the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. (Mark 6:41)

Concerning your mate, ask yourself, What qualities about my mate am I thankful for, and how can I communicate this to him or her?

3. Calling down God’s favor.

As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right. (1 Samuel 12:23)

Concerning your mate ask yourself, What specific areas of my mate’s life should I pray that the Lord will bless?

4. Benefits bestowed.

Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to set before the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. (Mark 6:41)

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” (Luke 11:13)

Consider benefits (such as gifts, acts of service) that you can bestow upon your mate.

5. Seeking counsel.

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel. (Proverbs 27:9)

Honor your spouse by seeking his or her advice.

6. Encouragement and fellowship.

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:1-4)

Consider areas of your spouse’s life where you can encourage him or her. Ask yourself, Am I spending enough quality time so I know what is really on his or her heart?

You know what blesses and what insults your mate. If you don’t, simply ask your mate. These example from Scripture are mentioned to broaden your perspective. Become an expert on how to bless your spouse, and then practice giving blessings.

Remember, “Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return” (Luke 6:38).

If you are always critical, criticism will come back to you. If you are an encourager, encouragement will come back to you. It is your choice. Give agape love and it will be returned.

The above article comes from the great book, 2 Becoming One by Don and Sally Meredith, published by Christian Family Life, Inc. In this book Don and Sally share time-tested principles and practical insights that will help you build a Christ-centered marriage. You’ll learn: The 6 reasons marriages fail, God’s three purposes for marriage, the two forces for change in a marriage, how to end the insult-for-insult cycle, and much, much more!

You can actually purchase the book, companion work book, a couples kit, leaders guide and even a leaders kit for a group course study, written by the Meredith’s, at their web site at http://www.2becoming1.com. (The above article is just a sampling of the great material that you will read in this book.) On this web site they also offer devotional articles for you to read. We recommend that you check it out (and even obtain their book and/or other resources at the same time if it’s possible).

Don and Sally Meredith are marriage counselors and authors who have taught relationship principles for married couples, parents, and adult singles for over 30 years. They authored the book and workbook, Two Becoming One. In 1971, they founded Christian Family Life, to further the training of lay people, and in 1976 co-founded the FamilyLife Ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. The Meredith’s have four grown children and reside in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Although abuse is significantly under-reported, current crime statistics at least begin to tell the story. The FBI’s Uniform Crime Report routinely lists domestic violence as the leading cause of injury to women ages 15 to 44 in the United States. These injuries are more than those from car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

Abuse may be open, flagrant, and in-your-face. But abuse can also be subtle and devious. It may explode on the scene or gradually creep into a relationship. Although women are the primary victims of abuse, men may be victims, also, of abuse.

One of the first steps in dealing with abuse is to identify it. Identifying it is often difficult because it can manifest itself in different forms. Here is a brief survey of the different types of abuse.

• Emotional abuse is the use of mental strategies or mind games. This would include such things as anger, aggression, humiliation, intimidation, stalking, fear, power, and control. The goal is to inflict emotional damage on the other person.

• Physical abuse would include the use of body parts or weapons to threaten, punish, dominate, restrain, control, or injure another person.

• Sexual abuse is the use of forced sexual actions which may dominate, manipulate, threaten, injure, corrupt, or control another person.

• Social abuse involves other forms of abuse to dominate, manipulate or control another person’s social relationships.

• Financial abuse is the use of money or financially-related matters to dominate, threaten or control. This may be done to inflict damage on another person or take financial advantage of that person.

• Spiritual abuse is the controlling of another person’s religious interests or practices. Spiritual damage may be inflicted by criticizing a person’s religious convictions or misstating them for religious purposes.

Although abuse may take various forms, there are often common elements. For example, there often is the tendency to blame the victim of abuse. A woman may be told to “submit” or “pray harder for her marriage” by a pastor or church members. And often women go back into abusive relationships, leaving many to wonder.

In this article, we will try to provide some answers and perspective on this important issue. (And I might note that we already have articles on the Probe Web site dealing with such issues as verbal abuse and spiritual abuse.)

Types of Abusers

Although abuse and domestic violence are one of the most pressing social problems of our time, most of society (including churches) still view the crisis as a private matter. Abused women are often advised by pastors and members of a congregation to “pray harder” or “try to become a better wife.”

Abuse has not only been ignored by the church but often by the medical profession. In their study of abuse, Evan Stark and Ann Flitcraft found that out of one million women who sought medical treatment for injuries sustained by husbands and boyfriends, doctors correctly identified the injuries as a result of battering only four percent of the time. ¹

Frequently child abuse and domestic violence go hand in hand. Men who abuse their wives will often also abuse their children. Research shows that in homes where domestic violence occurs, children are abused at a rate 1500 percent higher than the normal average. ²

Often this abuse begins even before a child is born. One study of 1200 white, Latino, and African-American pregnant women, found that one in six reported physical abuse during pregnancy.³

Researchers now conclude that there are two types of abusers. Neil Jacobson and John Gottman document this in their book, When Men Batter Women.⁴ Their study of more than 200 couples in dangerous relationships helped shatter myths and shed new light on abusive relationships.

They describe two types of batterers: Cobras and Pit Bulls. The Cobras are more severely violent of the two. They strike swiftly and ferociously, always remaining in control and feeling entitled to whatever they want.

Pit Bulls are violent because they are insecure. They are more likely to lose control, letting their emotions burn slowly until they explode in anger.

Jacobson and Gottman intensively studied about 60 of the 200 couples by watching videotapes of non-violent arguments of severe batterers and their spouses. To eliminate some of the subjectivity, they also monitored the vital signs (heart rate, sweat flow) of the couples.

They found that Cobras resemble the snake for which they are named. They become still and focused just before striking their victim. They become internally calm during abuse. While the heart rates of Pit Bulls increase during abuse, the Cobras’ heart rates actually decrease.

Pit Bulls are driven by deep insecurity and often have an unhealthy dependence on the mates they abuse. They are afraid of losing their wives and therefore try to control them through physical and emotional abuse. Cobras have often been physically or sexually abused themselves (frequently in childhood) and tend to see violence as an unavoidable part of life.

Boundaries

Often victims of abuse feel they deserve the abuse they receive. They have been convinced (by their partner or perhaps by society in general) that the abuse is their fault. It is not. To reinforce this claim, here are eight things that no one deserves:⁵

• No one deserves to be pushed, slapped, bruised, or kicked. No excuse makes such actions justifiable, whether drugs, alcohol, financial problems or family problems.

• No one deserves to be verbally abused. No one should be called names or yelled at for no apparent reason.

• No one deserves to have possessions damaged (dishes thrown, clothes torn) or gifts destroyed. These things don’t automatically become “his” just because he paid for them from a joint checking account.

• No one deserves to be interfered with in coming and going. You do not need to be told when you can or cannot leave the house, go shopping, or go to school.

• No one deserves to be followed, harassed, or spied upon. As an adult, you have the right to go where you want, and spend time the way you choose.

• No one deserves to be ridiculed, put down, made fun of, or belittled. This applies both at home and in public.

• No one deserves to be emotionally starved. Everyone has emotional needs: to love, to be loved, to care and be cared for, to need others and to be needed by others. This involves more than just one person who is demanding your time and attention.

• No one deserves to be isolated. You deserve to have a community of people around you rather than just a spouse who dominates your life.

Each person has rights that should be asserted to prevent abuse from taking place. Here is a short list of those rights:

• You have the right to be treated with respect. All are created in the image of God (Genesis 2:26-27) and have value and dignity. You deserve respect regardless of your economic status, race, religion, or sex.

• You have the right to be heard. You have ideas and opinions and should be free to express them.

• You have the right to have a support system. You shouldn’t have to depend on one person in your life to provide all your emotional needs and who cuts you off from the rest of society.

• You have the right to come and go as you please. You should be able to make choices about what you do with your free time.

• You have the right to have privacy and space of your own. You don’t give up those rights when you get married or when you begin to have children.

• You have the right to maintain a separate identity.

Each of these rights are important in establishing boundaries in a relationship. These are key components in preventing abuse.

Myths of Abuse

Let’s turn now to some of the myths of abuse.⁶

• One myth is that victims of abuse come from lower-income families with little education. In reality, victims of domestic violence come from all walks of life. Race, religion, socio-economic background are no predictor of abuse. Victims of abuse may be well-educated or uneducated, professionals or common laborers.

• A second myth is that victims stay in abusive relationships because they like being abused. That is simply not true. Many have been conditioned to accept beatings because they are blamed by their abusers, but they do not like being beaten. Many victims actually “accept abuse as common in relationships.”⁷

So, why don’t victims leave? The answer to that is often quite complex. Many women believe they cannot leave because “He can’t live without me.” They may fear he will have a nervous breakdown, commit suicide, or lose his job.

She may believe that the children need a father, rationalizing that an abusive father is better than no father at all. And she may think she cannot make it alone in the job market.

Many women fear they will be killed if they leave an abusive relationship. And that fear may be justified. Studies show that battered women are more likely to be killed after leaving an abusive relationship.⁸

Abuse victims also convince themselves that things are going to get better. Hope springs eternal, and there is always the hope that with the right changes and hard work, abuse will go away. Sadly, it does not.

A third myth is that violence happens mostly between strangers. Contrary to popular belief, a woman’s greatest risk of assault is from an intimate partner. Statistics from the Department of Justice indicate that women are attacked seven times more often by offenders with whom they have an intimate relationship than are male victims of violence.⁹

A fourth myth is that abuse is not a major problem. Domestic violence is one of the most serious health problems today. As we have mentioned, it affects every socioeconomic segment of society. “Federal officials estimate that domestic violence costs U.S. firms $4 billion a year in lower productivity, staff turnover, absenteeism, and excessive use of medical benefits.”¹⁰

What the Church Can Do

Domestic violence is pervasive in our society and crosses all socioeconomic levels, religious belief, and cultural backgrounds. Abuse affects our lives, our homes, and our society. Is there anything the church can do to deal with this important issue? Here are a few suggestions.¹¹

First, pastors and church members should be aware of the extent of the problem. I have provided some social statistics to demonstrate how pervasive abuse is within our society. It isn’t a problem to be ignored or addressed through simple clichés.

Second, pastors and counselors need to help abuse victims set boundaries in their lives. Battered women often find it difficult to make choices because someone else has been making decisions for them. Many women who live in violent homes went from their father’s house straight to their abuser’s house. They’ve never had much experience in making their own personal choices.

If you are seeking to help an abuse victim, you should encourage her to make her own decisions. Resist the temptation to rescue and take over her life. She needs to feel empowered not helpless.

At the same time, you can provide suggestions about finding a family counselor or a domestic violence agency.

Third, if you are a pastor, a counselor, or just a caring friend, you can provide counsel and comfort. She needs to hear from you that she doesn’t deserve to be abused. Acknowledge the seriousness of the situation, and don’t let her convince herself that the abuse will go away.

Fourth, be prepared for crisis intervention. Quick action may be necessary to protect her and her children. Ask her to describe the circumstances of the last two or three beatings. What preceded his attack (drugs, alcohol, or an argument)? Where is her relationship right now?

A pastor or counselor who receives a crisis call only has a few moments to discern the extent of the threat and appropriate actions that should be taken. Can she find her way to a safe place immediately? Do you have a place for her to go, if necessary?

Sometimes the crisis arrives at your office or home. A pastor, counselor, or caring friend may need to arrange for medical attention and a safe place away from the abuser.

If the couple is separated, she may be stalked by her abuser. She needs to know who can protect her and how to contact legal services.

Fifth, the church should address this important issue of domestic abuse. By speaking to this issue, we break the silence surrounding abuse and confront it with biblical principles. The church should hold batterers responsible for their actions. Intervention, confrontation, and tough love should be tools used to fight abuse in our communities.

If the batterer is a member of the church, then Matthew 18 provides a model for confronting “offenders” within the church. Galatians 5:22-25 talks about the fruit of the Spirit with includes kindness, gentleness, and self-control. These and many other verses provide a model for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness (2 Tim. 3:16). Christians have an important role in dealing with abuse within our society.

©2003 Probe Ministries

About the Author:
Kerby Anderson is National Director of Probe Ministries International. He received his B.S. from Oregon State University, M.F.S. from Yale University, and M.A. from Georgetown University. He is the author of several books, including Genetic Engineering, Origin Science, Living Ethically in the 90s, Signs of Warning, Signs of Hope, and Moral Dilemmas. He is a nationally syndicated columnist whose editorials have appeared in the Dallas Morning News, the Miami Herald, the San Jose Mercury, and the Houston Post. He is the host of the “Probe” radio program, and frequently serves as guest host on “Point of View” (USA Radio Network) and “Open Line” (Moody Broadcasting Network).

What is Probe?
Probe Ministries is a non-profit ministry whose mission is to assist the church in renewing the minds of believers with a Christian world-view and to equip the church to engage the world for Christ. Probe fulfills this mission through our Mind Games conferences for youth and adults, our 3 1/2 minute daily radio program, and our extensive Web site at www.probe.org.

The first comes from the web site for Lifeway Ministries. To read the article they have posted, please click onto the link provided below to read:

•  AN INSIDE LOOK AT ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Another excellent article that is posted on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman can be read by clicking onto the link provided below:

• MY ABUSIVE “CHRISTIAN” MARRIAGE

There are also a number of articles posted on the web site for FOCUS Ministries, Inc. on the subject of Domestic Violence that you might find helpful. To choose which articles you would like to read:

CLICK HERE

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Every one of us gets angry with our spouse at some point in our marriage. You can’t live together day in and day out without finding things you disagree about —things that make you really angry with each other. The problem is, how we deal with the anger we feel for our spouse when that occurs. Do we allow our anger to cause problems that hurt our spouse and our marriage or does our anger lead us to find solutions to help our marriage?

“It’s a very natural thing to feel threatened by someone who disagrees with us. Conflicts feel inherently threatening. We very naturally consider that our opinion or way of seeing things is the ‘right’ or ‘better’ way. If we didn’t, we’d change our opinion or way of seeing things. So when people suggest that our way isn’t right or better, we fear that they’ll take us someplace we don’t want to go—and that creates fear. We tend to dig in our heels and try to prove our point to get them to see things our way, and to admit how wrong they are.

“Once we square off as adversaries, however, the outcome is already assured. We don’t even have to play the game. In conflicts you have only two options: You either both win, or you both lose. Your spouse is your teammate, not your enemy. Be careful as you work through struggles. You’re on the same team!” (Dr Gary Smalley, from Smalleyonline Newsletter 5/2/07)

Isn’t that true? We forget that truth. But something else that is important to face, is that not only can our spouse have a problem in how they deal with anger, but we could too.

“Few people want to admit that they have a problem with anger. Most of us readily see the mismanagement of anger on the part of others, but seldom see it in ourselves” (Dr Gary Chapman)

To look at how to deal with the “mismanagement” of anger and what we can do about it, we must first look at a few different ways that we can negatively respond to anger. And to do that we’d like to refer to something that Dr Gary Chapman wrote in his book, The Other Side of Love, published by Moody Press. In this book he writes:

There are two equally devastating response to anger: explosion and implosion. We may think that one is more destructive than the other, but the truth is implosive anger can be as damaging as explosive expressions of anger. Both can occur at varying levels of intensity, yet either response has destructive consequences. They represent destructive ways of responding to anger.

…Some Christians who would deplore explosive expressions of anger fail to reckon with the reality that implosive anger is fully as destructive in the long run. Whereas explosive anger begins with rage and may quickly turn to violence, implosive anger begins with silence and withdrawal but in time leads to resentment, bitterness, and eventually hatred. Implosive anger is typically characterized by three elements: denial, withdrawal, and brooding. Let’s look at each of these.

Those who practice an implosive method of responding to anger often begin by denying that they are angry at all. This response to anger is especially tempting to Christians who have been taught that anger itself is sinful. Thus, one often hears individuals say one of the following:

• “I’m not angry, but I am frustrated.”
• “I’m not angry; I’m just upset.”
• “I’m not angry, but I am disappointed.”
• “I’m not angry; I just don’t like it when people do me wrong.”

In almost all these cases, however, their condition is the same: The people are experiencing anger.

…Suppression of anger, holding anger inside, will eventually lead to physiological and psychological stress. There is a growing body of research that shows a positive correlation between suppressed anger and hypertension, colitis, migraine headaches, and heart disease. However, the pronounced results of suppressing anger are found in its impact upon one’s psychological or emotional health. Internalized anger eventually leads to resentment, bitterness, and often hatred. All of these are explicitly condemned in Scripture and are viewed as sinful responses to anger.

A third characteristic of implosive anger is brooding over the events that stimulated the anger. In the person’s mind, the initial scene of wrongdoing is played over and over like a videotape. He senses his spirit; he relives the events that stimulated the angry emotions. He replays the psychological audiotapes of his own analysis of situation.

How could he be so ungrateful? Look at the number of years I’ve put into the company. He’s only been here five years. He has no idea what’s going on. If he knew how important I am to the company, he wouldn’t treat me this way. I feel like resigning and letting him suffer. Or I feel like appealing to the board and getting him fired.

On and on the tapes play as one wallows in his or her anger. The difficulty is the tapes play only in the person’s head. The anger is never processed with the person involved or with a counselor or trusted friend. The anger is developing into resentment and bitterness. If the process is not interrupted, the person will eventually experience an implosion in the form of an emotional breakdown, depression, or in some cases, suicide.

However, for a growing number of those people who are internalizing anger, the end result will be not an implosion but an explosion. In their desperate emotional state, they will do some act of violence toward the person who wronged them. This is seen over and over again on the nightly news where the employee who was fired nine months ago walks in and shoots the supervisor who fired him.

The child who abused by parent, at the age of fifteen turns on the parents and murders them. The calm and meek husband turns on his wife and destroys her life. Neighbors find these realities almost incredulous. Typically, they say to the reporter, “He seemed like such a nice man. I can’t believe that he would do such a thing.” What the neighbor could not observe was the internalized anger that had been fed by brooding over a long period of time.

It should be obvious that implosive anger is fully as destructive as explosive anger. That is why the Scriptures always condemn internalizing anger. The apostle Paul admonished, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26-27).

Clearly Paul instructed that we are to process anger quickly, not allowing it to linger inside beyond sunset. I suppose that if we get angry after dark, he would give us till midnight, but the principle is that anger is not to be held inside; in fact, to do so is to give the devil a foothold.

That is, we are cooperating with Satan and setting ourselves up to sin even further. The apostle further challenged us to rid ourselves of anger. (See Ephesians 4:31; Colossians 3:8.) This is not an indication that anger itself is a sin; it is an indication that to allow anger to live inside is sinful. Solomon warned that “anger resides in the lap of fools” (Ecclesiastes 7:9).

The key word is resides; the fool lets the anger abide in him. The implication is that those who are wise will see that anger is quickly removed. Anger was designed to be a visitor, never a resident in the human heart.

All of us experience anger. But holding anger inside by denying, withdrawing, and brooding is not the Christian response to anger. In fact, to do so is to violate the clear teachings of Scripture. Bitterness is the result of stored anger, and bitterness is always condemned as sinful in Scripture. (For example, see Acts 8:23; Romans 3:14; Hebrews 12:15.)

In the course of counseling through the years, I have heard teenagers say, “I hate my father.” Almost always such a statement is tied to a series of perceived wrongs committed by the father. The teenager has internalized the hurt and anger and has developed resentment, bitterness, and now hatred toward the father. I have also heard more than one wife say, “I hate my husband,” and I’ve heard husbands express the same about their wives. Without exception, hatred does not develop overnight. Hatred is the result of internalized anger that remains planted in the heart of the individual.

Eventually the emotions of hurt from the internalized anger are replaced. In their stead appear the emotion of bitterness and the attitude of hatred. Almost always those who hate wish ill upon the person at whom they are angry. Sometimes, they end up perpetrating this ill themselves. The internalized anger erupts for all the world to observe.

When someone perpetrates evil upon the individual who wronged them, they have taken the prerogative of God. The Scriptures say, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:19 KJV). When we seek to impose judgment upon those who have wronged us, we will inevitably make things worse.

What positive steps can one take to defuse implosive anger?

• First, admit the tendency to yourself: “It’s true, I hold my anger inside. I find it very difficult to share with others that I am feeling angry. I know I am hurting myself by doing this.” These are the statements that lead to help.

• Second, reveal your problem to a trusted friend or family member. Telling someone else and asking for their advice may help you decide whether you should confront the person or persons with whom you are angry. Perhaps you will chose to “let the offense go,” but at least this will be a conscious choice, and you can release your anger.

• If the person to whom you disclose your anger is unable to give you the help you need, then look for a pastor or counselor who can. Don’t continue the destructive response to anger.

If you would like to see details on the book or purchase the book, The Other Side of Love, by Gary Chapman, which this article came from: (Click Here)

Explosive anger is another way in which many people deal with their frustration. They become so confused or feel that things have spiraled so far out of control that they explode into angry outbursts and rage at their partner—taking “control” of the situation in a more harmful way.

“Although the primary reason for angry outbursts is trying to get what we want, our instinct makes us believe otherwise. It turns it into an issue of injustice. When we are angry we usually feel that someone is deliberately making us unhappy (by not giving us what we want), and what he or she is doing just isn’t fair. In our angry state, we are convinced that reasoning won’t work, and the offender will keep upsetting us until he or she is taught a lesson. The only thing such people understand is punishment, we assume. Then they’ll think twice about making us unhappy again!

“We think we are using anger to protect ourselves, and it offers a simple solution to our problem — destroy the troublemaker. If our spouse turns out to be the troublemaker, we find ourselves hurting the one we’ve promised to cherish and protect. When we’re angry we don’t care about our spouse’s feelings and we are willing to scorch the culprit if it prevents us from being hurt again.” (Dr Harley, from the article, “Angry Outbursts” posted on www.marriagebuilders.com)

So what do you do if you express your anger in explosive and maybe even violent outbursts?

The following are several links to articles on different web sites that may help you with this. We pray you will find them helpful. To read these articles please click onto the links below:

• ANGRY OUTBURSTS

• WHEN COUPLES ARE CRUEL

• DEALING WITH ANGER

• DEALING WITH ANGER — YOURS AND YOUR SPOUSE’S

• MANAGING YOUR ANGER

• HOW DO I STOP ABUSING MY WIFE?

It starts out with someone who wrote the following note:

PROBLEM: “I was for 3 years married to a military man who was violent and abusive after I became pregnant with our first child. He was forever dropping our infant on furniture shaking her, etc. I have since left him (returned home with my family) and filed for divorce. Is this wrong?

“In God’s eyes can I ever remarry? I feel I did what was in the best interest of my little girl but I need a little biblical insight.

“Thank you.”

To read the answer to the above problem, please click onto the web site link below to read the following article written by Lynette Hoy (and other articles she makes available):

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND CHILD ABUSE

A. While you may be oversensitive to aspects of your husband’s anger, you aren’t overreacting to his shoving you. There’s never, ever , under any circumstance, due to any real or perceived provocation or slight, any reason for a man or woman to push or shove each other. That’s a line that cannot be crossed.

In your situation, we’d encourage you not to wait until more shoving, pushing, grabbing, hitting, or any other behavior that exerts abusive control occurs, but to let your husband know his behavior’s unhealthy, unacceptable, and will no longer be tolerated. You need to set unequivocally clear boundaries.

Let him know that if he pushes you again, you’ll ask him to leave the room and/or leave the house for a short time-out. If he refuses to do that, then you should leave. Leaving provides time for the angry spouse to calm down and focus on healthier ways to communicate his concerns.

If this doesn’t help, then you may need to take stronger steps by involving your pastor, a licensed Christian counselor, and, if it continues, the police. Being proactive in setting clear boundaries now can help prevent escalation.

But dealing only with the shoving is like putting a band-aid on a broken bone. You and your husband are at a relational crossroads. You can either continue to do more of what obviously doesn’t work or you can choose to see this as a valuable opportunity, reach out for help, and cultivate healthier ways with which to express your anger.

The process of becoming one in Christ involves learning how to understand our differences and deal with conflict in ways that heal rather than hurt. This is an opportunity for you to learn how to apply the principles of 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” and Colossians 3:13-15 “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.”

Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace”) to the day-in and day-out issues in your marriage.

We encourage you and your husband to read those two passages at least once a day. As you read them, ask yourself, What is one way I can apply this to my life today? We’d also encourage you to contact a licensed Christian marriage and family counselor who can help you find practical ways to chart a new course for your marriage.

HE SEEMS TO HATE ME
- Couple Counsel – by Gary and Carrie Oliver

He’ll be okay for awhile and then goes right back to his sarcastic, hurtful ways. He claims to love me while acting like he hates me. He always wants to be with me and is always home. I don’t want a divorce, but I don’t want to take the abuse any more either. What should I do?

A. The old saying “sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me” just isn’t true. We’ve worked with many people whose broken bones have healed but whose broken hearts and spirits are still hurting from wounds inflicted many years earlier. Verbal abuse cannot be tolerated and is never something to be accepted. If it isn’t dealt with, it will only get worse and may lead to physical abuse.

An important first step is to get clear about what behavior is healthy and unhealthy, what is appropriate and inappropriate, what is acceptable and unacceptable. If you’ve lived with this for ten years, you’ve probably become desensitized to what healthy and appropriate look like. Dr. Grace Ketterman’s book, Verbal Abuse: Healing the Hidden Wound (Servant), will help clarify what healthy looks like and give you practical suggestions for new ways to respond.

The next step is for you to state to your husband what you will and will not tolerate and then have a specific plan as to how you will respond the next time your boundaries are crossed. If he calls you names, leave the room or leave the house. Set specific boundaries for what you will tolerate and how you will respond to him. Retreating in silence, crying, yelling back, or threatening aren’t healthy responses and won’t produce positive results. Actually, nothing will guarantee positive results from your husband. However, there are things that you can do to protect yourself and increase the probability of change in your marriage.

In our early years of marriage we can give into unhealthy patterns that become unrecognizable to us. Over time they appear to be “normal.” We may not understand that we can do things differently and sometimes get better results.

As the wife, know that you can learn new ways to respond to your husband. If he puts you down, you can refuse to allow that to be truth for you. Many women don’t understand that there is a place for healthy anger in a marriage relationship. Good Women Get Angry (Servant) —a book Gary wrote with Norm Wright —will give you practical and biblically consistent ways to express your fears, hurts, and frustrations to your husband and to use your anger-energy to set healthy, honoring, and respectful boundaries.

Consider telling him that you both need counseling to get through this hindrance to your marriage’s growth. Let him know you are willing to take responsibility for whatever you bring to the relationship that is not helping it become all it could be.

If he isn’t willing to go, there’s no reason why you can’t. Finally, find some support from other women. God didn’t design us to walk through life alone. Reach out and find some women who will pray with you and for you. Regardless of what he chooses to do, you can grow, learn, deepen, mature, and become more of who God designed you to be. Remember that all of his promises still apply to you.

The first is a tool written by Debi Pryde and Don Stewart that provides three questions for a husband (although the same can apply to a wife, if the abuse is coming from her) to ask your spouse, to open up healing dialogue and start the process of defusing what is wrong in your relationship. Please click onto the following link to read what is written:

• ARE YOU ABUSIVE? THREE QUESTIONS FOR HUSBANDS

Next is an article featured on the web site for the terrific ministry of Family Life Today www.familylife.com, that gives the true life testimony of Paul Hegstrom, and the struggles he encountered to break the cycle of violence he had allowed himself to get into. Please click onto the link provided below to read what is written:

• BREAKING THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE

“Let me begin by saying that I cannot think of a circumstance in a marriage or family that could justify abuse of any kind—emotional, mental, physical, or sexual. Abusive behavior was never and can never be a part of God’s plan for a marriage or a family.

“For the sake of clarity, I’m going to limit this answer to physical abuse. And by this I mean assaulting, threatening, or restraining a person through force. It would include hitting, slapping, punching, beating, grabbing, shoving, biting, kicking, pulling hair, burning, using or threatening the use of weapons, blocking you from leaving a room or the house during an argument, driving recklessly, or intimidating you with threatening gestures…”

To read the rest of this article, written by Dennis Rainey and Leslie Barner, please click onto the web site link provided below:

•  HOW TO RESPOND TO PHYSICAL ABUSE

Although you do not have control over your partner’s abusive behavior, you do have a choice about how to respond to that behavior, and how to best get yourself and your children to safety.

PERSONAL SAFETY PLAN

Before an attack:
1. Educate yourself. Learn about organizations and services that can help you, both in your area and nationally. Make a list of places you can call in an emergency (police, shelters, friends, family, church, YWCA, Salvation Army, support groups, domestic violence coalitions, etc.) Find out what services are available in your community, and what their limitations are. Will they pick you up in the middle of the night? Will they allow you to bring your pets? How long can you stay? Do they provide or refer you to counseling services, legal assistance, or help you get a job and permanent housing?

2. If you have to travel to another town to reach a shelter or safe housing, find out how to get there ahead of time. Know which motel you could go to and how to get there. Choose some alternatives in case that motel is full. Determine ahead of time where you can park your car so that it will be out of sight from the road.

3. Pack a bag with emergency supplies such as a change of clothing, toothbrush and other necessities, non-perishable food, special blanket or toys for the children, cash, checkbook, ATM card, credit cards, phone numbers of friends or agencies who can help, copies of important documents (personal identification, birth certificates, social security cards, school and medical records, passport, deeds to house, title to car, insurance papers, investment documentation, tax returns), extra keys to car and home, etc.

Leave the bag at the home of a trusted friend or relative. If necessary, you could rent a locker at a bus station or airport.

4. Think about how you would get out of the house safely, and practice it to see how long it takes and whether or not you will have difficulty getting out that way. Consider using doors, windows, elevators, stairwells, or fire escapes, but make sure you can exit safely without being trapped or injured.

5. Tell neighbors, friends, and family members what is going on. Request they call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from your house. Work out a signal (window shade down on a certain window, or blinking light) so the neighbor will know they should call the police.

6. Consider writing a letter to someone you trust explaining how you have been abused, the name of the abuser, when incidents have occurred, and any other important details. Sign it and mail it. It may be used as evidence later.

7. Teach your children how to dial 9-1-1, and instruct them to call whenever they hear or see violence in the home. Work it out with trusted neighbors for the children to leave home at the first sign of violence and seek shelter with them. The neighbors can then call the police.

8. Develop a code word to say to your children or friends when you need them to call or run for help.

9. Keep a list of telephone numbers in your wallet of people who will help you. If a friend or family member has offered you emergency shelter, ask if you can have a key to their home to keep in your wallet, or let you know the location of a key hidden on their property.

10. Make an extra copy of the house key and car keys, and keep them in your wallet or emergency bag.

11. Gather up sentimental possessions such as photographs, children’s drawings, jewelry, etc. If photographs or video tapes can be easily copied, make a plan to copy everything of value to you and get it out of the house. A vengeful abuser delights in destroying his partner’s property or withholding sentimental items to hurt her.

12. Familiarize yourself with your monthly household expenses. List what you spend for groceries, rent, insurance, utilities, child care, transportation, medical care, etc. This will help you determine how much you will need to earn when you are on your own. You will also need this information for filling out forms for restraining orders, public assistance programs, etc.

13. Begin saving money a little at a time out of the grocery budget, from garage sales, or from any other source you can find. Keep enough money on you at all times to pay for taxi or bus fare, and one or more nights at a hotel. Get a credit card in your own name and use the address of your workplace or a trusted friend. Open up a savings account in your name and deposit as much as you can each week.

14. If possible, join a support group for battered women. If your abuser doesn’t ask where you are going, don’t volunteer the information. However, if he asks, don’t lie, but be cautious in offering specific information about the group.

15. Make a list of advantages and disadvantages of leaving. Be realistic about both situations, and evaluate your options frequently. What may be a good option today may not work well tomorrow. Don’t act impulsively on such an important decision. Take time to carefully strategize and evaluate your next move.

16. Research information about apartments. Know where you can rent an apartment in a safe neighborhood for the lowest price, how much is required for a security deposit, whether or not they allow children and pets, whether they have a security system so it would be difficult for your spouse to get into the building, etc. Save enough money for the security deposit and two to three months of rent (if possible).

17. Make a habit of backing your car into the driveway so you can leave quickly. If there is a chance your car can be blocked in, park on the street. Always make sure the passenger and back seat doors are locked when you get into the car. Make sure the car always has a full tank of gas.

18. Remove all knives or other sharp objects from view. If you have a knife holder or rack, either put it in a hard to reach place or remove the knives or put them in a safe place.

19. If there are guns in the house, learn how to unload them. If you anticipate violence, either lock up the ammunition or get the guns and ammunition completely out of the house.

20. If you are sleeping in separate bedrooms, lock and barricade the door so you won’t be attacked while you are sleeping. Do not stay in a room where you cannot escape from a window or another entrance in case of an emergency.

21. Plan ahead of time where you will go during an argument or at the first sign of violence. Try to move to a room where you will not be trapped. Avoid the bathroom, garage, basement, or rooms without access to a window or outside door.

22. Consider taking a self-defense course which will increase your self-confidence and emotional strength. Do not count on this training to make you safe. Many women can be easily overpowered by an angry man, and they can be more seriously hurt or killed by trying to fight back.

During and following an attack:

1. Try to diffuse the abuser’s anger by staying as calm as possible. Be careful about hitting back or picking up objects to use as weapons. The abuser can grab them and use them on you.

2. Promise the abuser whatever he wants to get him to calm down. Do not argue or defend yourself verbally.

3. Try to position yourself as far away from the children as possible to protect them from the abuser. If possible, say the code word so the children will know to get out of the house and/or call 9-1-1.

4. If you have devised a signal system with a neighbor, work your way to the part of the house where the signal can be activated.

5. If the abuser is distracted, grab your children, purse, and keys and get out of the house. Get into the car and drive away as quickly as possible. If you don’t have a car, walk or run to the nearest place of safety or public place such as a restaurant, business, or home of a neighbor and call the police.

6. If you have to leave the house without the children, or if he locks you out, arrange to go back for them as soon as possible. Do not go alone! Ask a police officer to accompany you or pick them up at school.

7. If you are injured and need medical attention, wait until the abuser is asleep or distracted and call 9-1-1. If the bathroom has a window large enough to escape through, suggest that you are going to get some bandages. Lock the door, climb out the window, and drive or run to safety.

8. If you are unable to escape immediately, wait until the abuser is asleep or make an excuse to check on the children. Grab the children and go out the window or a back door before the abuser realizes what is happening.

9. If you see the abuser with a weapon in his hand, do not take time to call 9-1-1 or confront him. Leave immediately!

10. If you have a cellular phone in your purse, make your way to a room with a door that can be locked. If you are unable to escape out the window, barricade the door, quietly call 9-1-1, put the phone back into your purse, and wait for the police to arrive.

After you leave (or he leaves):

1. If he leaves the home, change the locks on all outer doors and windows immediately.

2. Replace wooden doors with steel doors that cannot be easily kicked in.

3. Install window locks, bars in sliding glass doors, electronic safety system (if possible).

4. Purchase rope ladders to escape from second floor windows.

5. Install an outside lighting system that lights up when someone comes close to the house.

6. If you leave, find an apartment that has security entrances and deadbolt locks on the inner doors.

7. Alert your new neighbors not to let the abuser in the building for any reason. Ask them to call the police if they see him in the building.

8. Do not, for any reason, allow the abuser to visit the children in your apartment. Arrange to meet him at a public place, or if your children are older arrange for them to meet him in the parking lot or driveway.

9. Fill out a change of address card for yourself and your children. If you have custody of the children, check with the post office occasionally to make sure the abuser has not changed the children’s address back to his address. Get to know your mail carrier, and alert them to potential problems.

10. If there are no children involved, get an unlisted phone number. Make sure everyone who knows your number also knows not to give it to him. If possible, install Caller ID on your phone system.

11. Don’t open the door unless you can identify the one who knocks. Require all service people to show their identification before you unlock the door.

12. If a suspicious box or package shows up that you did not order, do not move it. Call the police.

13. Use an automatic timer for your lights and use it regularly. Leave a radio or TV on when you leave.

14. Obtain an order of protection and keep it with you at all times.

15. Teach your children how to call you collect in case they are “kidnapped” by the other parent.

16. If phone calls from your husband become abusive, hang up. If he calls back and continues the abuse, hang up again.

Safety in the car:

1. Park in well-lit areas. Do not get out of the car if you sense someone approaching. Be observant and do not exit the car until you have door keys in hand and surroundings look safe.

2. Install a locking gas cap which can be unlocked from inside the car.

3. Never get into your car without looking inside first. If you see suspicious wire inside or outside your car, or signs that your car has been tampered with, call the police immediately. Do not get inside or try to start the engine.

4. Keep all doors locked while you are driving.

5. If you sense that you are being followed, drive to the nearest police or fire station. Honk the horn to attract attention. If you are not near a police or fire station, go to a heavily populated area such as a restaurant or gas station. Ask someone to call the police.

6. Get a cellular phone which you can carry in your purse when you are not in the car. Purchase an adapter which will allow you to plug the phone into the cigarette lighter in case your phone battery runs low.

7. If you feel unsafe walking to your car alone, ask someone to escort you. This is especially important if you have parked in a parking garage or other place where you may be walking to the car alone.

8. Ask someone to escort you to and from joint counseling sessions and legal proceedings.

9. If you are approached by the abuser in public, and you feel threatened, scream “help”, and go quickly to wherever people are congregated.

10. If your abuser gets into the vehicle with you, take the keys out of the ignition and try to get out of the car. If he tries to prevent you from taking the keys out of the ignition and makes it impossible for you to get out of the car, hold onto the keys as tightly as possible with one hand while sounding the horn with the other. If you can get the window down, scream “help” and continue to honk the horn. If the abuser tries to drag you out of the car, wrap your arms tightly around the steering wheel and hold on. Your chances of being injured or killed are greater if he is able to get you outside the car.

11. If your abuser stands in front of your vehicle and blocks you from leaving, remain in the vehicle with the doors locked and windows up. If you have a cellular phone, call 9-1-1. If not, honk the horn to attract attention. Be careful about trying to maneuver the car backwards or around the abuser. You may hit him and be arrested yourself!

Safety at work:

1. Alert your boss, co-workers, and receptionist about your situation. Make sure they know not to give out your home phone number or any personal information to any caller. Your husband may have someone else to call on his behalf.

2. Do not accept or open packages which you did not order or recognize.

3. Ask to park in a secured area, if possible. Leave the building with others or ask for someone to escort you to your car.

4. If there is a security guard on duty, make sure he is aware of your situation.

5. Make copies of your abuser’s photograph available to the receptionist and security guard, and ask them not to send any unauthorized person to your work area.

6. Make a plan of escape should your abuser enter your workplace undetected.

7. Ask a co-worker or your supervisor to call you or a family member if you do not show up at work by a certain time without prior notice.

Personal Safety:

1. If you do not have children (which obligates you to advise the abuser of your address), rent a post office box and remove your home address from personal checks, business cards, and mailing lists. File a change of address card with the post office to have all mail sent to your post office box. Ask all friends, business associates, creditors, and publications to remove your old address from their files.

2. Ask credit agencies to remove your old address from your credit history. Get a driver’s license with your new address, and do the same with other identification, credit, and membership cards.

3. Register to vote with a private mailing address or file for confidential voter status.

4. Get an unlisted telephone number with Caller I.D.

5. Notify your local police department about your situation, and ask for periodic drive-bys.

6. Carefully document all harassing phone calls and encounters. Keep copies of notes and mail. If the abuser shows up at your residence uninvited, call the police immediately.

Checklist of Things to Take:

• Identification for yourself and the children

• Birth certificates

• Marriage certificate

• Social Security cards (yours and children’s—write down his number)

• School and health records

• Money (In community property states, you can legally take 1/2 of the funds in a joint checking and savings account. If you do not take money from these accounts, he can close the accounts, take all the money, and you may not ever get your share.

• Checkbook and ATM card

• Credit cards (those held jointly and separately)

• Copies of unpaid bills, receipts, credit card statements, etc.

• Keys to car, house, lock box, storage building, etc.

• Registration and title to car(s), his license plate number and car info

• Medication

• Passport, Will, recent photographs of abuser

• Medical records

• Deed to house and other real estate

• Mortgage papers

• Loan agreements

• Bank books (joint and personal accounts, children’s accounts)

• Insurance policies

• Address book

• Pictures, video tapes, CDs, music, sentimental mementos

• Children’s favorite toys and blankets

• Tax returns for the past 3 years, cancelled checks and bank statements for past 5 years

• Pay stubs (yours and his)

• Journals or diary

• Documentation of criminal activity, copies of police reports

• Copies of financial documents and portfolios, credit union accounts,

• 401K plan. Profit-sharing, and pension information

Checklist of Things to Take:

1. If I decide to leave, I will get out of the house by _________________.

2. I will keep my purse and car keys _________________ so I can get to them quickly when I have to leave.

3. I will tell _____________ about the violence, and ask them to call the police if they hear anything suspicious coming from my house.

4. I will use _______ as a code word for my children or friends to call 9-1-1 immediately.

5. If I have to leave my home, I will go to ________________________.

6. If I cannot go there, I will go to ________________________.

7. When an argument begins, I will go to ___________, a room where I can safely exit.

8. I will leave money, an extra set of car and house keys, a change of clothing, and important papers with _____________.

9. I will open a savings account by _________ and begin saving something each month.

10. ________________ will let me stay with them on an emergency basis.

11. I can leave extra clothes with ________________________.

12. I will tell ___________ at school, ___________ at church, _____________ at the daycare center which people have permission to pick up my children, and that my spouse, or ex-spouse is not permitted to do so (if I have sole custody).

13. I will inform ______________ (friend), ______________ (neighbors), and ___________________ (pastor) that my husband no longer lives with me.

14. I will inform ___________________(at work) not to accept calls or answer personal questions from my husband, and not to allow him to visit my workplace.

15. The phone number for the closest shelter is ___________________.

16. Other phone numbers are ____________ (pastor), ___________ (supervisor), ____________ (friend) ____________ (other).

The above article comes from the great web site for the ministry of FOCUS Ministries, Inc. www.focusministries1.org. FOCUS Ministries is a not-for-profit organization devoted to offer hope, encouragement, education, and assistance to women who are struggling in difficult circumstances, including spousal abuse.

If you are suffering from abuse from your spouse we urge you to do all you can to protect yourself. We also encourage you to visit their web site to see what help you can receive there.

We also know that not all of you have access to the same agencies that are available here in the USA. We know that many of you live in other countries where the laws and customs don’t protect you from domestic violence, where one spouse is abusing you in violent ways. In some countries spousal abuse is even permitted and for some of you, your life is in even more danger if you leave your home.

Abuse is cowardly, controlling, and wrong —even if it is permitted in your country. And even though abuse may be allowed where you are living, or you live in the USA and you don’t feel like you can take advantage of the help that is available here (although we wish you would) there are still some ways in which you can protect yourself.

Below are some guidelines provided from the “National Center for Victims of Crime” that you can glean from, to use at least some of them, to help you to protect yourself if you are being abused:

One of the most important things you can do when developing your safety plan is to talk to a victim advocate who can help you fully consider safety issues, understand your legal rights, and identify community resources (e.g., shelters, sources of financial assistance, or food banks).

You can locate a victim advocate through a local domestic violence agency, which provides services at no-charge to victims. The National Crime Victim Helpline (1-800-FYI-CALL) can also help you prepare a safety plan and find victim assistance within your own community.

The following safety suggestions have been compiled from safety plans distributed by state domestic violence coalitions from around the country. Following these suggestions is not a guarantee of safety, but could help improve your safety situation.

• Identify your partner’s use and level of force so that you can assess danger to you and your children before it occurs.
• Try to avoid an abusive situation by leaving.
• Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and where there are always ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas.
• Don’t run to where the children are as your partner may hurt them as well.
• If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target: dive into a corner and curl up into a ball with your face protected and your arms around either side of your head, fingers entwined.
• If possible, have a phone accessible at all times and know the numbers to call for help. Know where the nearest pay phone is located. Know your local battered women’s shelter phone number. Don’t be afraid to call the police.
• Let trusted friends and neighbors know of your situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need help.
• Teach your children how to get help. Instruct them not to get involved in the violence between you and your partner. Plan a code word to signal that they should get help or leave the house.
• Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you nor they are at fault or cause the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to keep safe.
• Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children.
• Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan.
• Keep weapons like guns and knives locked up and as inaccessible as possible.
• Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver’s door unlocked and the other doors locked for a quick escape.
• Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry that could be used to strangle you.
• Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night.
• Call a domestic violence hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive, understanding ear.

Getting Ready to Leave

• Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as photographs of bruises and torn clothing.
• Know where you can go to get help; tell someone what is happening to you.
• If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your injuries.
• Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them (for example, a room with a lock or a friend’s house where they can go for help). Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
• Contact your local battered women’s shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis.
• Keep a journal of all violent incidents, noting dates, events, and threats made.
• Acquire job skills as you can, such as learning to type or taking courses at a community college.
• Try to set money aside or ask friends or relatives to hold money for you.
• Store some belongings with a friend or relative. Leave clothing, medications, your Social Security card, a credit card (if possible), citizenship documents, children’s school/medical records, children’s toys, insurance information, copies of birth certificates, money, and other valued personal possessions with them.

The Day You Leave

• Leave when it is least expected, for example, during times of agreement and calm.
• Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies, schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. Ask questions that require a call back to your house in order to leave those phone numbers on record.

General Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

• Make a plan for how you will escape and where you will go.
• Plan for a quick escape.
• Put aside emergency cash as you can.
• Hide an extra set of car keys.
• Take with you important phone numbers (of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.) as well as other important items, including:

- Driver’s license
- Regularly needed medication
- List of credit cards (account number and date of expiration) held by self or jointly, or the credit cards themselves if you have access to them
- Pay stubs
- Checkbooks and information about bank accounts and other assets.

If time is available, also take:

– Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)
- Titles, deeds, other property information, and tax returns
- Medical records
- Children’s school records and immunization records
- Insurance information
- Copy of marriage license, birth certificates, will, and other legal documents
- Verification of Social Security numbers
- Welfare identification
- Valued pictures, jewelry, or personal possessions.

If you are getting a restraining order and the offender is leaving:

• Change your locks and phone number.
• Change your work hours and route taken to work.
• Change the route you take to transport children to school.
• Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
• Inform friends, neighbors, and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
• Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors, and schools along with a picture of the offender.
• If available in your community, register with VINE Protective Order™ to be notified immediately when the order is served, when hearings will be held, and when any amendments to the order are filed. Ask your victim advocate or sheriff’s office about this service.
• Call law enforcement to enforce the order.
• Carry a charged cell phone preprogrammed to 911.

If you leave:

• Consider renting a post office box for your mail.
• Be aware that addresses are listed on restraining orders and police reports.
• Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.
• Change your work hours if possible.
• Alert school authorities about the situation.
• Consider changing your children’s schools.
• Reschedule any appointments that the offender is aware of when you leave.
• Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
• Alert neighbors and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
• Talk to trusted people about the violence.
• Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors.
• Install security systems if possible.
• Install a lighting system that turns on when a person is coming close to the house (motion sensitive lights).
• Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.
• Tell people who take care of your children which individuals are allowed to pick up your children. Explain the situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.
• Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone be blocked so that if you call, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.
• Receive ongoing support from domestic violence and mental health service providers.

All rights reserved for these guidelines. Copyright ©2006 by the National Center for Victims of Crime. This information may be freely distributed, provided that it is distributed free of charge, in its entirety and includes this copyright notice.

She begins this portion of the book by citing the scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7:15 explaining that letting the spouse “leave” goes beyond physically leaving the marriage. As you read the article you’ll better understand what she means by this:

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. ( 1 Corinthians 7:15)

Rather than demanding that an unequally yoked wife stay in a situation where she is abused, defamed, and oppressed; where she is tortured by the temptations that such mistreatment put in her path, our precious Lord gives her an option. He does this because, “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust” (Psalm 103:13-14). He understands her humanity and takes pity on her.

LEAVING IS MORE THAN WALKING OUT THE DOOR
A Christian woman who is facing emotional or physical abuse needs to understand both the terminology and the implications in this verse, so she can act on it within the dictates of her own common sense and conscience. The word “leave,” as it is used in 1 Corinthians 7:15, means to depart or let go. While this most obviously refers to a physical separation, the concept of letting go embodies more than mere physical absence.

Since thought always precedes action, I believe we can assume that abuse and cruelty are outward manifestations reflecting a mental state of abandonment of the essence of the marriage. So, although Paul is dealing with physical separation, certainly there can also be a psychological severing, an emotional letting go, that is just as devastating and real as a mate’s actual departure.

Scripture does not deal specifically with this problem of abuse, but Christ’s attitude and certain biblical statements can help us draw conclusions about how to respond to it. The Gospels are saturated with statements about and examples of Jesus’ compassion. He was especially tender toward women and children. Think of how gently He approached the woman at the well; how respectful He was to the woman caught in adultery; how He met Mary’s needs by teaching her as she sat at His feet; how, during excruciating agony on the cross, He committed His mother to the care of His friend, John.

In the fifth chapter of Ephesians, the apostle Paul commanded husbands to “love [their] wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25) and to “love their own wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). Christ, in love, sacrificed His life for the church. This example is the antithesis of abuse.

It appears, then, that any man that constantly mistreats and maligns his wife, who wounds her psychologically and/or physically, has “let go” and departed from the intent of his marriage vows. He may be living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed with her, but if he neglects her needs and destroys her as a person by attacking her body, soul, or spirit, mentally he has left! If he is cold, cruel, and uncaring, he has already separated himself from her, even if he shares a house with her. In his sick mind, the relationship is over.

The idea of leaving, then, can legitimately include the unbelieving husband mentally and/or emotionally abandoning his wife. The final act of “leaving” may mean he will physically remove himself, but the psychological process leading up to that moment may manifest itself in ongoing abusive conduct.

The Bible says that when this happens a Christian wife is to let him leave. The Lord does not expect or want her to suffer mental or bodily harm at the hands of a husband who is supposed to sacrificially love her. God does not want her to be oppressed or incapacitated by fear. Quite the contrary, “the sister is not under bondage in such cases” (1 Corinthians 7:15), and any woman who is physically harmed or verbally belittled, insulted, or harassed by her husband is under bondage. Any wife whose husband controls her mind and activities with threats or brutality is enslaving her.

In this same chapter, Paul reminds us, “You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men” (1 Corinthians 7:23). God did not buy an unequally yoked wife out of the slave market of sin so she could be under bondage to another human being. He purchased her with the blood of Christ and freed her so she could voluntarily become His bond-servant.

She has to draw the line if her husband consistently oppresses her, by whatever means. In Luke 14:26, Jesus said, “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate [the comparison of her love for Me, her] own father and mother and [husband] and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even [her] own life, [she] cannot be my disciple.” She has the right and responsibility to choose freedom impossible for her to fulfill her Christian calling.

We have already seen that submission is voluntarily choosing to yield or surrender to someone. When God instructs wives to subject themselves to their husbands, He is asking them to surrender to their husbands’ love and God-given position. Nowhere does Scripture imply that the Lord expects a wife to accede to verbal castigation or physical assault.

Many times women who are in this position convince themselves that they would be unsubmissive if they fled. So, instead of retreating and protecting themselves and their children (who may be scarred for life from exposure to continual abuse), they become passive; but passivity is not the same as submission. Whereas submission is voluntary, passivity is forced oppression. Whereas submission allows for individual dignity, passivity breeds self-hatred, and eventually a wife who subjects herself to abuse starts believing that she deserves it!

She convinces herself there is no way out and that she is only getting what she has coming to her. This is especially pronounced in cases where Christian women knowingly married unbelievers. Frequently they stay to punish themselves, to pay the penalty for their sin. Their attitude is: I got myself into this, now I’m stuck with it. So, they become passive. It is vitally important that a woman who suffers maltreatment in her marriage draw the distinction between submission and passivity.

Also, some women stay because of guilt. They believe that their faith in Christ is the reason for their husband’s abusiveness, so they think that staying is a cross they must bear—part of their suffering for Christ. They need to realize that there is an immense difference between being persecuted for the Lord and for righteousness’ sake, and being physically or emotionally abused by a man who is a tyrant.

Although, an unbelieving husband might use his wife’s faith as an excuse for attacking her, that is not the real reason. Men who batter or consistently demean their wives are emotionally ill. The emotionally yoked wife who is being vilified by her husband does not have to submit to his tirades. God does not ask her to yield to outrageous attacks.

Sometimes a Christian woman who is being harmed by her mate stays because she believes that the Lord will protect her no matter what her husband does. Candy thought that, until Glen shot her. Eleanor thought that, until Ed fractured her back and skull when he threw her down the stairs. Emily thought that, until Howard burned down their house when he was spaced out on pot and booze and fell asleep on the sofa with a lighted cigarette in his band. Their three-month-old daughter suffered severe burns over 30% of her body and was in the hospital for months.

Claudia thought that, until she had a mental breakdown. Her children had to be put in foster homes while she recovered because the court ruled that her husband was not a fit father.

If there are children involved, the repercussions of living under such disparaging conditions can leave them with lifelong scars. Scripture teaches the importance of example. We are warned not to associate with fools, liars, fornicators, idolaters, blasphemers, or hot-tempered people, because if we do we will imitate their behavior. Statistics show that many parents who are child abusers and many men who batter their wives were themselves mistreated as children, or came from homes where one or both parents were abusive. Like begets like. Removing herself and her children from danger isn’t selfish, isn’t sinful, isn’t unsubmissive—it’s smart.

God hasn’t called the wife to live in a spirit of fear and mental instability but of “power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV). He hasn’t chosen her to live in a state of confusion, not knowing what to say or do next, or what tirades her well-intentioned responses might bring. “God is not a God of confusion but of peace” (1 Corinthians 14:33) and “has called [her] peace” (1 Corinthians 7:15).

As Jo shared, “One of the most grievous and difficult situations a Christian woman ever faces is that of being unequally yoked: being married to a man who is not a believer. …She is supposed to live according to the dictates of Scripture, to be a helpmeet and submissive wife, yet at the same time she carries the burden of knowing her husband is neither spiritually awakened nor secure for eternity. She and her husband probably differ sharply about what their lifestyle should be. Many women in this position have shared with me that they feel hopeless.”

And that is the main reason Jo wrote this book because as she said, “There IS hope! There are principles an unequally yoked wife can learn and apply that will make her life easier. She needs to realize that God has placed her in unique position of being His representative to the man she loves. She can also develop a positive mind-set about her mate and her marriage.” That is what the author Jo Berry attempts to help women do throughout this book. If you’re married to an unbeliever we hope you’ll obtain a copy of this helpful and inspiring resource.

For those of you who are feeling this way, we want to encourage you to keep in mind that God does not make junk — people do. All that God created in the beginning had purpose and meaning. He even said, “It is good.” And all He continues to create has purpose and meaning and “is good.”

It is people that mess things up and put a different spin on that which God creates. But if we are “called according to His purpose” —which every child of God can count on, we can “KNOW” “that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.” [See Romans 8:28.] For this reason we can live in confidence that no matter what was done to us in the past (or even in the future) that we are loved “with an everlasting love” and God will redeem that which the enemy of our faith tried and tries to do against us.

Any of us who are a redeemed Child of the Living God, don’t have to hold our heads in shame or feel like we are worthless—no matter what any person or the enemy of our faith may say. Our Heavenly Father loves us and has a wonderful plan for our life. [See Jeremiah 29:11-13.] He can bring beauty out of ashes as we present them to Him. He is our Redeemer.

As a child of the Living God, please don’t entertain the enemy of our faith by allowing your mind to think otherwise. Why bring joy to those who are trying to harm you? God loved you enough to breathe life into your lungs when you were born. And He can take that life away at any time if He decides that it is time. But because you are still here reading this article, it must mean that He knows something you need to know. He has a plan for your life and He ordains that you participate.

He won’t force you to live up to your potential, but as you read the Bible you can see that He wants you to participate with Him in His Kingdom work.

So whatever has troubled you in your life in the past, and whatever is troubling you now, we pray that you will grab the challenge that the Apostle Paul shared in Philippians 3 where he wrote, “I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

What is meant by “forgetting what is behind” is that you aren’t to camp there or live there. You aren’t to keep dwelling on that which will hold you back from going forward with the future God has for you. You see what you were, and what WAS, but you are to PRESS ON to take hold of that which Christ Jesus has for you. At times it is a real battle to get to that place, but it is worth it!

Hebrews 12 says, “Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

Don’t lose heart and allow yourself to give up fighting that which is necessary. Keep in mind that the enemy of our faith does not want any of us to live victoriously —to be an instrument in helping God draw others to Himself — to live in faith in Christ. There is a spiritual warfare involved in trying to get us to think that we are worthless and that even our Heavenly Father doesn’t see any value in us. But that is a lie handed to us from the father of lies, the evil one himself.

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:3-5)

We challenge you to “demolish arguments” that keep you bogged down in a defeated posture in life. God loves you and because of Christ, you can live victoriously.

With this in mind we would like to share with you something that could help you in this battle. It is written by Dr Neil Anderson, and comes from this great book, Victory Over Darkness.

When you feel defeated, remember who you are in Christ — because of Christ! Understanding your identity in Christ is absolutely essential to your success at living the victorious Christian life!

“The more you reaffirm who you are in Christ, the more your behavior will begin to reflect your true identity!” (From Victory Over Darkness by Dr. Neil Anderson)

WHO AM I?
I am accepted!

John 1:12 … I am God’s Child.
John 15:15 … I am Christ’s friend.
Romans 5:1 … I have been justified.
1 Corinthians 6:17 … I am united with the Lord, and I am one spirit with Him.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 … I have been born with a price. I belong to God.
Ephesians 1:1 … I am a saint.
Ephesians 1:5 … I have been adopted as God’s child.
Ephesians 2:18 … I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit.
Colossians 1:14 … I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.
Colossians 2:10 … I am complete in Christ.

I am secure!

Romans 8:1-2 … I am free forever from condemnation.
Romans 8:28 … I am assured that all things work together for good.
Romans 8:31-34 … I am free from any condemning charges against me.
Romans 8:35-39 … I cannot be separated from the love of God.
2 Corinthians 1:21-22 … I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God.
Colossians 3:3 … I am hidden with Christ in God.
Philippians 1:6 … I am confident that the work God began in me will be perfected.
Philippians 3:20 … I am a citizen of heaven.
2 Timothy 1:7 … I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.
Hebrews 4:16 … I can find grace and mercy in time of need.
1 John 5:18 … I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me.

I am significant!

Matthew 5:13-14 … I am the salt and light of the earth.
John 15:1, 5 … I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life.
John 15:16 … I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
Acts 1:8 … I am a personal witness of Christ’s.
1 Corinthians 3:16 … I am God’s temple.
2 Corinthians 5:17-21 … I am a minister of reconciliation for God.
2 Corinthians 6:1 … I am God’s co-worker (1 Corinthians 3:9).
Ephesians 2:6 … I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm.
Ephesians 2:10 … I am God’s workmanship.
Ephesians 3:12 … I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Philippians 4:13 … I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Other than the above work that was written by Dr Neil Anderson, this article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

An additional article that might also give you insight to live in confidence because of Christ, can be found on the wonderful web site for the ministry of Family Life Today. To read this article, please click onto the following:

• I’M NOT WORTH ANYTHING

• LIES WOMEN BELIEVE

• DO YOU WANT TO BE SET FREE?

But the whole issue of domestic violence and abuse is something that needs to be addressed— particularly within the Christian body, because it isn’t being dealt with as openly as it should be. I believe that’s part of the reason that so many victims are crying alone within their homes and aren’t seeking the help they need. This darkness needs to be exposed to the Light.

Part of the reason I know this is because it’s so difficult to find articles and Christian literature on this subject. Because of the work within Marriage Missions, we are continually looking for resources to help those who reach out to us. And in my search, I’ve found very little.

I know that in Christ, we are new creatures and that God transforms us and is transforming us into His image, so it may not be as rampant a problem as it is elsewhere (although I’m not entirely certain about that). But I also know that many people ignore the Lord’s leading and counsel and empowerment, and end up instead doing what they want to do despite the power available to them to do otherwise. Tragically, abuse is not absent from the church. It SHOULD be, but it is not. People gravitate to sin and embrace it, rather than embracing the good that God has for us instead.

So, on this subject of domestic violence I have come across some articles that may be able to help you and your church fight AGAINST domestic violence instead of turning a deaf ear or a blind eye to it. If you are already doing something, maybe this article will help you all the more.

In my studies on this subject, I came upon a Blog that deals with the subject of abuse against women — although it needs to be said that many men also suffer from abuse — it’s just not looked at in the same way, which is wrong. Abuse is abuse, whether it’s a man slapping a woman or a woman slapping a man.

But this particular blog addresses women (many of the same principles can be applied in to a man’s abusive situation). Below I will supply a link so you can read it in its entirety, but before I do, there are a few parts of this blog that I’d like to point out because I think they are especially noteworthy. Something written by April Gilford should be pointed out:

“I understand Christian marriage to be a covenant whereby two people affirm before God their commitment to love, to respect, and to cherish one another in all of life’s circumstances. With God’s help, the couple promises to love another just as God loves us. Domestic violence is a violation of this covenant and should not be tolerated in a Christian marriage. It is the role of the church to provide a safe and loving environment for the victim of the abuse and to help the abuser see the wrong in his/her actions and to seek repentance and help for what he/she has done.”

I believe for too long, the church has closed its eyes or looked the other way concerning domestic violence, which takes away the “safe and loving environment” that should be contained within the covenant of marriage.

It reminds me of the parable Jesus taught of the Good Samaritan (in Luke 10). Even the religious leader, who should have known better and should have shown the most mercy, for the most part ignored the person needing help. And Jesus pointed out that the Samaritan who stopped was more of a “neighbor” who was doing good than anyone else, (which would include the religious leader). He said to the person (and all of us), “Go and do likewise” in referring to giving help to others who need it.

As a church, we simply can’t keep ignoring or looking the other way because we don’t know what to do with the situation of violence in the home. We may not know NOW what to do, but we need to make it our business to find out and pro-actively help those who need help. Marriage is a sacred commitment of love and faith and mutual caring for one another. And when one partner is violating another in such horrendous ways, we as a body of Believers, need to help in whatever way we can, to cause the violence to stop.

So, in this spirit of cooperation, I’d like for you to read the following articles posted on the web site for Crosswalk.com, in the hope that some of you who read it will put feet to what is proposed and will help your church to reach out to those who are suffering in abusive situations. I also hope that your church will talk about this issue from the pulpit, so what is being done in darkness, will be exposed to the Light and be properly dealt with.

• HOW CHURCHES CAN HELP VICTIMS OF ABUSE
• WHAT CHURCHES CAN DO TO ADDRESS DOMESTIC ABUSE
  

Another part of the blogging article that I referred to earlier, which I’d like to point out, is written by Tiffany Sanders. She points out that although a woman Biblically is to submit to her husband (which some church members use to say that she should submit to his beatings as well for biblical reasons) Peter and the Apostles pointed out in Acts 5:29 how there exceptions to following man’s ways if they violate the greater picture of God’s will. It says “We must obey God rather than men!”

Tiffany says something that many people look past when it comes to domestic violence. She says,

“A woman must not, then, risk her life or serious injury in submission to her husband. It violates a higher duty to protect human life and welfare, and it cooperates in her husband’s sin. Many ministers, in fact, agree up to this point. Many agree that a woman must flee to protect herself, but must “return and submit” when the danger has passed.”

And I’ve thought the same thing myself in trying to stay biblical in this situation. But I’ve since learned differently.

And then Tiffany goes on to point something out that I’ve heard and read about in many situations that we really need to note if we are going to help the victim remain as “safe” as possible. She writes,

“When, Exactly, Has the Danger ‘Passed’? This ignores a fundamental reality of domestic violence: the danger does not pass. A woman who calls the police for help in a moment of crisis can usually expect to pay for that call when she returns home, whether it’s an hour or a day or a week later. The dynamic of an abusive relationship is one in which there is never a moment of safety, in which even the most careful, most observant, most vigilant of victims can be blindsided at any moment.

Something she does inadvertently might be the trigger. Something that happened outside and she doesn’t know about might be the trigger. Something her husband imagined might be the trigger. The moment when it’s ’safe’ to ‘return and submit’, if it comes at all, comes after long hard work with a minister or counselor or anger management program.

“It’s clear that a woman has not only a right but an obligation to protect herself from physical harm, and that protecting herself requires more than simply getting out of the house for an hour to let her husband cool down.”

The point I want you to understand here is that domestic violence does not have a “one size fits all” solution. Sometimes leaving is the best way to protect oneself from further violence, but other times it will just increase the resolve of the abuser to find them and hurt them even more. Sometimes, finding a way to get through the situation so the victim can come up with a plan for the future is a better way. It’s a very difficult thing in which to be involved.

Please don’t counsel abuse victims to do things one way that makes immediate sense to you. Be prayerful and careful in your advice, giving them many options that they can use and then helping her or him to discern which would work best for the dynamics of their situation.

The important thing is to realize that abuse must be stopped. No one deserves abuse. And if God wants to use us in some way to help in stopping the violence, then we must have our ears and eyes and minds open to His leading.

In the blogging article I refer to, Tiffany then goes beyond this to explain more about abuse against wives, which you really should read. You may or may not agree with all she says. And some of you may even judge what she says because of some doctrinal stands she makes for her religion which you may not hold.

But let’s not miss the forest for the trees. While you may agree whole-heartedly, or disagree on certain points for whatever reason, the bigger picture is that domestic violence outside of the church and within the church needs to be addressed. People are dying here. They’re dying physically and also spiritually because as we turn a deaf ear and/or we look the other way, the compassion that is to be so evident within us as Followers of Christ, is no longer being seen.

God wants to work in us and through us to help others to know Him better. He wants to use us to poke holes in the darkness that surrounds peoples lives. And this is one of those areas of darkness that I believe He wants to use us, so that sin is exposed to His light for cleansing and healing.

Each one of us may not be able to do a lot to address this issue to help those who are being violated by domestic abuse. But if each one of us does something — let’s at least do SOMETHING —it can be like a mighty rushing water. Each drop combined with others contributes something to moving this terrible situation into one in which God’s mercy can wash away the debris so it can be better seen and dealt with, within the church body.

To help in this cause, we are going to give a few links to some articles we hope you will prayerfully and carefully read — both for your own education, but also to see if while you are praying, you can visualize how God can use you to help fight AGAINST domestic violence. We pray this will make a difference.

The first will be the Blog I referred to above and then other articles I found on the Internet that may be enlightening as well:

• DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TOUCHES CHRISTIAN WOMEN TOO

• YOU CAN HELP FIGHT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

• ABUSE THROUGH THE EYES OF CHRISTIAN WOMEN

• WOMEN MUST FIGHT ABUSE

• ABUSE IS NOT GOD’S WILL

• NO LONGER A VICTIM

• DON’T TOLERATE ABUSE

• HEAL FROM ABUSE

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

One of the problems a victim can encounter is that the abuser might have access to discovering or maybe even spying on what is being viewed on their computer. Isolating their victim is one of the many tools they use to keep their abuse from being exposed. It is also another way in which they can keep control of the situation. That is why it is important for the victim to find help in ways that doesn’t alert their abuser.

If you are being abused, you could endanger yourself all the more if you don’t take important precautions when you use the Internet to find help.

Below you will find links to articles that could give you helpful information to better protect yourself. Please click onto the links to read:

• INTERNET SAFETY FOR ABUSE VICTIMS

• HOW DO I ERASE MY BROWSING HISTORY?

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:

• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
  that could help others
  in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

This article was put together by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions

So how do you know if they really will stop the abuse in the future and if they indeed have changed? The truth is that you can never be completely certain, but there are some signs you can look for, that may help you determine this as best as you can.

Before we lead you to the article, we want to preface all of this by saying that we are aware that sometimes it is the wife who is the abuser. If that is the case in your marriage, please reverse the “he’s” and “she’s” to apply to your situation and glean what you can use.

With that said, below is a link to an article written by Brenda Branson, posted on the Growthtrac.com web site, that we recommend you read to help you with this very issue. Please click onto the link to read:

•  SIGNS THAT HE AS CHANGED

So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:

“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Today, men are not made to ride backward on donkeys, but they are still considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘Taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!

“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”

We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help — especially in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of letters from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive and sometimes very violent behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t hit or abuse back, but they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.

We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles and web site postings, written on this subject to help them. But there seems to be very, very little help available.

Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers are less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is still wrong no matter who is the one who is victimizing the other.

Maxine Marz wrote an article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” (Metronews.ca, August 31, 2004), and she had the following to say on this subject:

“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless still very hurtful because, in addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their abusive spouse turns to using their children to assert her control over them and their relationship.

“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.

“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women from their abusive husbands or partners. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security and to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”

To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope that it will not only give voice to their dilemma, but will also help husbands to better protect themselves and put up proper boundaries in the ways that they should.

The first article provided below is a testimony given by a husband who is a victim of domestic abuse which can be found on the web site for Troubledwith.com. Please click onto the link below to read:

•  VICTIM

This next article is one where battered men (of various walks in life —both those who are followers of Christ and those who are not) share their life experiences. To read what they have written, please click onto the link provided below:

•  ABUSED MEN SPEAK OUT

The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites, so please be aware of that. However, we believe they still give good insights and provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good — that which lines up with Biblical standards, and throw away that which doesn’t apply to your situation and that which the Lord shows you NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.

Please click onto the links provided below to read:

•  MY SPOUSE HITS ME – Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?

• WHY MEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS REMAIN SILENT

•  HUSBAND ABUSE

•  HELP FOR BATTERED MEN

We also want to remind husbands to read the other articles that are provided on this web site in the “Abuse in Marriage” section. We recognize that they mostly address wives, but we encourage you to ask God to show you how you can apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God will show you what advice you can and what you won’t be able to use. As your “Wonderful Counselor” the Holy Spirit will reveal to you how to adapt different advice to your particular situation.

It is well known that those who have been emotionally damaged tend to inflict their hurt and pain on other people. For example, a large percentage of those who have been sexually abused become the abusers of others; those who suffered under an alcoholic parent often themselves cause their future family to suffer because of their drunken stupors.

Until we as a church deal with the whole person as shown in 1 Thessalonians 5:23 our congregations will be filled with people who are spiritually gifted but act like emotional infants. As in other words, the church must deal with emotional health and not just spiritual health and power.

The following are common traits hurt people display in their interactions with others.

1. Hurt people often transfer their inner anger onto their family and close friends.

• Often those around them become the recipients of harsh tones and fits of rage because they have unknowingly become the vicarious recipients of transferred rage.

2. Hurt people interpret every word spoken to them through the prism of their pain.

• Because of their pain, ordinary words are often misinterpreted to mean something negative towards them.

• Because of this, they are extremely sensitive and act out of pain instead of reality.

3. Hurt people interpret every action through the prism of their pain.

• Their emotional pain causes them to suspect wrong motives or evil intent behind other people’s actions towards them.

4. Hurt people often portray themselves as victims and carry a “victim spirit”.

• Often hurt people can cry “racism,” “sexism,” “homophobia,” or often use the words “unjust” or “unfair” to describe the way they are being treated, even if there is no truth to this. (That is not to say that sometimes there really is racism or sexism in some instances; this is just used as an example.)

→ Hurt people have a hard time entering into a trusting relationship.
→ Hurt people often carry around a suspicious spirit.

5. Hurt people often alienate others and wonder why no one is there for them.

• They often continually hurt the ones they love and need the most with their self-destructive behavior.

6. Hurt people have the emotional maturity of the age they received their (un-dealt with) hurt.

• For example, if a girl was raped by a man when she was 12 years old, unless she forgives that man and allows Christ to heal her heart and allay her fears, in that particular area of her life (sexuality with a man) her emotional growth will stop; even when she reaches her later years she may still have the emotional maturity of a 12 year-old.

7. Hurt people are often frustrated and depressed because past pain continually spills over into their present consciousness.

• In many instances, they may not even be aware of why they are continually frustrated or depressed because they have coped with pain by compartmentalizing it or layering it over with other things over time.

8. Hurt people often erupt with inappropriate emotion because particular words, actions, or circumstances “touch” and “trigger” past woundedness.

• I have been in situations with people in which there was a gross overreaction to a word I spoke or an action that was taken. Although I was shocked and thought this reaction came “out of left field” it was really the person responding to an accumulation of years of hurt and pain that could not help but spill over in various situations.

• I myself have been in situations where I felt hurt, troubled, or overreacted to something because it touched a nerve with what I was still dealing with because of a wound I received in the past. In these situations I have attempted to reason through the situation as objectively as I can with much prayer and introspection so I would not say or do anything damaging to another person or myself.

9. Hurt people often occupy themselves with busyness, work, performance, and/or accomplishments as a way of compensating for low self-esteem.

• Often ministers are not motivated by a love for Jesus but a drive to accomplish.

• It is important that pastors and ministers be led by the Spirit instead of being driven to succeed.

• A minister should not preoccupy himself with making things happen. He or she should walk in integrity and humility and allow God to open up doors and provide a ministerial platform according to their assignment for their life and ministry.

10. Hurt people often attempt to medicate themselves with excessive entertainment, drugs, alcohol, pornography, sexual relationships, or hobbies as a way to forget their pain and run from reality.

• Until the church learns to deal with and emphasize the emotional life and health of the believer, the church will be filled with half-Christians who pray and read the Bible but find no victory because they do not face the woundedness in their souls.

11. Hurt people have learned to accommodate their private “false self” or “dark side” which causes them to be duplicitous and lack integrity.

• Often their private life is different from their public life, which causes hypocrisy and compounds feelings of guilt, condemnation, and depression.

12. Hurt people are often self-absorbed with their own pain and are unaware that they are hurting other people.

• They are often insensitive to other people because their emotional pain limits their capacity for empathy and their capacity for self-awareness.

• I have been in numerous situations when someone hurt me and kept on going in the relationship without ever apologizing because they had no clue what they were doing.

13. Hurt people are susceptible to demonic deception.

• I am convinced that most of the divisions in the church are caused by saints who lack emotional health and project their pain onto others.

• Satan works in darkness and deception, and stays away from the light. Hurt people often have destructive habit-patterns that are practiced in the dark. Hence, their mind becomes a breeding ground for satanic infiltration and deception.

• If the church would deal more with the emotional health of the individual, there would be less of a foothold for demonic infiltration. Also, there would be stronger relationships, stronger marriages, healthier children, and a more balanced approach to ministry with less of a chance of pastoral and congregational burnout.

14. God often purposely surfaces pain so hurt people can face reality.

• Whether it is because of a marriage problem, or continual personal conflicts on the job, God often allows conflict and spillover because he wants the infection to stop spreading and the person to be healed.

• Often Christians are fighting the devil and blaming him for conflict when in essence God often allows conflict so that people would be motivated to dig deeper into their lives to deal with root causes of destructive thought and habit patterns.

• God’s purpose for us is that we would all be conformed to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29). This does not just happen with Bible studies, prayer, and times of glory but also in painful situations when we have to face what has been hurting us for many years.

• I have noticed that these periods of surfacing woundedness often take place when people transition into the mid-life years of their upper thirties and later. Perhaps this is because by then they are old enough to understand by experience that there is something wrong and also that it is not too late to redeem their pain and restore relationships and maximize their purpose. Rarely is a person able or even willing to deal with and face pain when they hit their senior years (in their sixties or older). Most at this age have already become cynical, hard-hearted, and/or become so depressed they have become hopeless even though God is able to help them at any age.

15. Hurt people need to forgive to be released and restored to freedom.

• The Gospel of St. John 20:23 says that we have to release the sins of others if we are going to be released. This means that if we do not forgive others then the very thing we have become victimized with will become a part of our life. For example, alcoholic fathers breed alcoholic sons if their sons do not forgive and release their fathers.

• The good news is that, through the efficacious blood of Christ, we can all be healed and set free from all past hurts so we can comfort others with the same comfort we ourselves have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:4).

Truly our mess can become our message!

The above article was written by Joseph Mattera. Joseph has been in full-time ministry since 1980 and is currently the Presiding Bishop of Christ Covenant Coalition and Overseeing Bishop of Resurrection Church in New York, a multi-ethnic congregation of 40 nationalities that has successfully developed numerous leaders and holistic ministry in the New York region and beyond.

His passion is to see the Lordship of Christ manifest over every realm of society so the church can fulfill the cultural mandate in Genesis 1:28. This has resulted in extensive ministry nationally and internationally, reaching out to many nations of the world including the former Soviet Union, Bulgaria, Turkey, Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, Honduras, Holland, Ukraine, Canada, Mexico, and Cuba. You can visit his web site to read additional articles written by Joseph Mattera by clicking HERE.

Abusive people love their anger to the point of actually looking for ways to be angry. Anger empowers them and fuels the fire they love to fan into flame. It gives them what they perceive as control. But actually, anger illustrates their utter lack of control. Lashing out and yelling at someone God has given you to love is sin. Abuse is sin.

Any words spoken in explosive anger can be abusive. A loudly raised voice and poor choice of words can cut like a knife into a person’s soul. Angry outbursts are loveless and full of the desire to hurt. The verbal abuser doesn’t try to see it from the perspective of the person they are abusing. They don’t care to know how badly their anger makes the recipient of their anger feel because all they care about is how they feel themselves. If there have been times when your spouse’s angry outbursts have killed something in you, that’s abuse. Or if there are times when your own angry words have destroyed something in your spouse or your children, that is abuse. Abuse destroys lives.

You are in a battle for your marriage, but the battle is not with your spouse. If he (she) is the one firing the shots at you and you are being forced to defend or protect yourself, give the situation your best shot in prayer. Ask God to deliver your husband (wife) from the evil spirit troubling him (her) (1 Samuel 16:14-23). Ask God to give you the ability to stay calm in the midst of the battle. Ask Him to help you to resist striking back.

All that being said, I am definitely not saying to stop defending or protecting yourself if you are in harm’s way. I’m not telling any wife to stay in her marriage if her mental or physical health is in danger, and especially not if her life is being threatened in any way whatsoever. Abuse of any kind goes against all that God is and all that He has for you. No one is required to take it. If you are afraid of what your spouse might do to harm you or your children, make plans to get free. Find a place to go and people to help you move out. I have known of too many people who waited too long and suffered devastating consequences. Don’t be one of those statistics.

If your husband is physically abusing you, call a domestic violence hotline. You will usually find it listed under “Community Services” or “Emergency Services” at the beginning of your phone book. They understand the situation and can help you make the right decisions as to what to do about it. If you need to leave home for your own safety or the safety of your children, they will help you do that. Even if you don’t end up leaving, it is good to have a plan. You need a safe place to go, a way to get there, someone to help, money you can have access to, and the legal papers and possessions you need to take with you.

Physical abuse doesn’t go away on its own. It only gets worse. If you don’t want to help yourself, then think about helping your husband by leaving and not returning until he gets help and is cured. Being destroyed by someone who has an emotional disorder such as uncontrolled anger is not the kind of self-sacrifice or martyrdom God is looking for. Don’t enable your husband to suffer the consequences of his own sin of abuse. Help him get the healing needed to become a whole person.

There is no excuse for abuse. It is never justified. A man who physically or emotionally abuses his wife is emotionally sick and has a serious problem. Of all emotional disorders, anger can be by far the most destructive. It is more destructive than depression, anxiety, or fear because it is usually directed at the spouse in some abusive and destructive way. Don’t fool around with this; it’s too dangerous. He needs professional help and fast.

A man who beats his wife and children in any way should be removed from them completely. Even if the abuse is only verbal, it is still extremely damaging. Scars happen internally as well as externally. Anger and abuse is the problem of the person who has it and not the fault of the one abused. No possible action or words of yours deserve violent, angry outbursts. Do not blame yourself.

…Prayer for Breakthrough in My Husband (Wife)

LORD, I DON’T WANT TO ever feel that “my soul has dwelt too long with one who hates peace” (Psalm 120:6). Deliver me from anger in my husband (wife). Your Word says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4). Where I have ever felt that an angry spirit in my husband (wife) has hurt me or broken my spirit, I pray You would heal those wounds and take away any unforgiveness I have because of it.

I pray You would set my husband (wife) free from anger. Help him (her) to recognize a spirit of anger rising up in him (her) and reject it completely. Strengthen him (her) to be able to control his (her) mind and emotions and help him (her) to remember that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers,” and the rulers of darkness and wickedness (Ephesians 6:12).

Teach him (her) to be slow to anger the way You are (James 1:1). Help him (her) to understand that anger never produces spiritual fruit (James 1:20). I pray that all anger in my husband (wife) will be evaporated by the power of the Holy Spirit, and that he (she) will have a strong desire to reject his (her) carnal side and become spiritually minded. Let there be no reason to fear his (her) anger and what he (she) might do. Help me trust that “I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8).

I pray now that You, the God of all hope, will fill my husband (wife) with faith and hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13). I pray You would lift up Your countenance upon him (her) and give him (her) Your peace (Numbers 6:26). I pray You would lift up Your countenance upon him (her) and give him (her) Your peace (Numbers 6:26). I pray You would direct his (her) heart “into the love of God and into the patience of Christ” (2 Thessalonians 3:5). Help him (her) to flee anger and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love patience, and gentleness (1 Timothy 6:11). In Jesus’ name I pray.

The above article comes from the excellent book, Praying through the Deeper Issues of Marriage by Stormie Omartian, published by Harvest House Publishers. There is a lot more to the above article that comes from the chapter on “If Forgiveness Doesn’t Come Easy” that you may find helpful in reading.

In addition, you will find that there are other helpful chapters you can read on anger, rudeness, abuse, communication break downs, depression, negative emotions, having children dominate your marriage, addictions and other destructive behaviors, outside influences on your sexual relationship, hardness of heart, distance in your relationship, the “D” word, infidelity, if one decides to leave home, lost hope, and more. Each chapter also has Scripture Truths to Stand on as well as Prayers for Protection on those particular subjects and Prayer Breakthroughs for you and also for your spouse. This is an excellent book that we highly recommend! See or purchase this book now.

Below you will find several links to articles that could possibly explain why Christian spouses abuse their mates.

We would love it if you could add comments at the end of these articles to help the readers in their understanding of these issues, and minister to the needs of those who are trying to deal with this difficult situation.

Please click onto the links provided below to read articles on the following subjects:

• The Silent Epidemic
• Domestic Abuse —Why Does It Happen? And How Can It Be Stopped?
• Why Do Christian Husbands Abuse Their Wives – Part One
• Why Do Christian Husbands Abuse Their Wives – Part Two
• Why Do Christian Husbands Abuse Their Wives – Part Three

And even though the Department of Justice reports that approximately 95% of the reported victims of violence are women, we can’t neglect the fact that many men are abused by their wives and some are even battered. It’s one of those “lesser discussed” subjects.

It seems to be something that most battered men don’t discuss for a variety of reasons (i.e. pride, teasing from other men, shame, it’s a “guy” thing not to discuss such things, fear of incurring further wrath of their wife, are just some of the reasons).

However, to read an article that might help men in this situation, please click onto the link provided below:

• Why Do Men Stay in Abusive Relationships?

There is another link to a web site that has blogs on this same subject. It is our hope though, that if you are a husband that is being battered or abused, that you will please come back to this web site to share your insights with our readers (as well as their web site). We have received many letters from men that are struggling with this issue in their marriage who would really appreciate it.

To read the blogs posted on the other web site, please click onto the link provided below:

• Abused Husbands

If you know of additional articles and resources that could help others, we’d sure appreciate it if you could share them with us. THANKS!