One of the ideas I came up with years ago, and a goal I strive for in my own homemaking, is that every room where I have been should be a little bit better because I have been there. I try to do that both in my spiritual/personal life as well as in my homemaking tasks — “poking holes in the darkness” wherever I go. And I’ve seen that it makes a positive difference!

Concerning homemaking ideas, I try to straighten up or put away at least one thing that is out of place when I go into or out of that room so when I leave it, it’s at lease a bit improved. A little here, a little there, seems to lighten the load of doing so much all at once when I do major cleaning (and makes things look a bit better in the meantime).

I also remember someone once saying that he learned that it takes more work and energy to drop clothing on the floor and have to go back later, pick them up and then put them away than it does to just put them away in the first place. I try to remember that tip when I’m tempted to drop my clothing on the floor when I’m changing.

Of course, that doesn’t apply if you expect your spouse to pick up after you, but then you have an entirely different energy drain and marriage problem going on as you battle with your spouse who resents the extra work you are causing her or him by your immature actions! Please be”kind and considerate” as you’re told in the Bible. Don’t cause unnecessary problems within your marriage and your home by not cleaning up after yourself.

Another thing I’ve tried to remember is something that my husband said to me years ago (and has reiterated several times since). He told me that when he enters our home he feels an “Ahhh… I’m home” in his spirit — that our home is nice and clean and pleasant to enter into — a haven of peace for his heart after he leaves a very hectic and energy-draining world.

He and I realize that there are times and circumstances when it can’t always be that way …life happens! And you can’t always control the cleanliness and peacefulness of the home, plus, there are things that need to be done to maintain the home so it stays that way. But it’s a goal I try to over-all strive for as much as possible, to make our home a haven.

With that as an over-all priority, not only does my husband and others who enter our home enjoy the benefits of peacefulness, but so do I …eventually, after I manage with intentionality to get it that way!

Author Jill Savage says it well: 

“One of the reasons I’m at home is to provide a home environment my family wants to come home to. As best I can, I can create a welcoming, soothing atmosphere to speak love to my family. If you’ve never considered being intentional about creating a welcoming environment with fragrance, give it a try and see if it affects the mood of your family.” (From the article, “Homemaking Tips that Create Security” by Jill Savage)

I can attest to the fact that it definitely affects our moods in a positive way! And others have said the same thing about our home — that it’s very calming and peaceful.

But how do you do this when you have little ones (and/or even big ones) running all over the place messing up things faster than you can you can clean (especially when you’re tired)? I have sure been there and have tried to do that, and sometimes miserably unsuccessfully!

My sons are grown and married now and have homes of their own. But there was a long season of time when we had a houseful of our own children plus others running in and out of our home. And when I was in the middle of this season of our lives, it was a continual juggling act of figuring out what was most important to do, how and when!

We now have grandchildren as well who come over and make their imprints well known all over our house. And quite frankly, we wouldn’t have it any other way!

So, to help all of us, I’ll give a few links below to articles and web sites I found that can be helpful when battling with that dilemma.

The first is an article written by Sandy Coughlin and posted on Crosswalk.com that you might find helpful. In this article Sandy writes about “changing things up a bit” as you go about your homemaking tasks, which has helped her and may help you. Please click onto the link below to read:

One of the things I’ve done many times is have mini races with myself against time where I try to see how much I can get done within 2-5 minutes (using a timer) or during a commercial for a television show. It can add a little twist and sometimes be a little fun to see if I can make a big dent in what needs to be done concerning housework. I challenge you to try it sometime!

Next, for those of you with children, the following is an article written by Kristin Chesemore where she gives three very practical tips as she discusses “Food and Clothing First”, “Minimal Cleaning”, and “Ruthless Paperwork Habits”. Please click onto the link below to read:

• EFFECTIVE HOMEMAKING WITH YOUNG KIDS

If you’re juggling with trying to be the “perfect” homemaker and are battling with guilt trips, misconceptions, and “when does mom get time off work”, the following article written by Cheryl Gochnauer, posted on the Kyria web site might give you insights. Please click onto the link below to read:

• STAY AT HOME SUPER MOM

You may have noticed that the above article talks about home management and “team roles” and such. You may be in a situation where your home needs a complete overhaul of who does what, concerning managing the home and making it run smoother. You may or may not have a spouse who will help you with this, but if you do, the following article written by Kathy Peel, posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site may be interesting and beneficial to read:

• FAMILY MANAGEMENT MAKEOVER

There are a few web sites provided below where you can find a LOT of help ranging from in making your home more organized, cleaner and calmer and more. The following are a few of them:

The first is a great web site (a personal favorite of mine) that provides all kinds of articles with on-going help available (on homemaking tips, recipes, family fun, frugal living, stewardship, organizing, parenting, etc.). As they say, “We’re taking homemaking to a ‘Higher Level” with spiritual values in mind. It is:

• Christian-Homemaking.com

And then there is another web site where you can find tips to help you with your “cleaning, clutter, cooking, decorating, holidays, etc.” that you might find beneficial to read through. The following web site link will take you to the “Homemaking Archive” for:

• Christian-Mommies.com

There’s another web site link you might benefit from going to as well. Here’s the description:

“This is a collection of sites that inspire us to embrace the lost art of homemaking. Site topics include: parenting, marriage, child care, entertaining, cleaning, cooking, crafting, simple living, budgeting, debt management, finances, decorating, frugality, cleaning, motivation, goal setting, recipes, housekeeping, gardening, pets and much more! Only good information, support, and inspiration!”

To visit this collection of web sites, please click onto:

• LotsaSites.com

I hope this helps in some way. If you have additional tips to help in this area of marriage, please pass them along in the discussion section below. We would greatly appreciate it!

The above article was put together by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

Do you yell and scream and try to shame him/her into stopping this behavior? Same question applies: “How’s that been working for you so far?”

And then there are the excuses — you’ve probably heard a million of them! “I drink to forget” “I feel better when I drink” “I’ve tried to ‘get on the wagon’ …’every time I fail’” and more.

“Alcoholics offer many excuses — ‘Drinking makes me feel better,’ ‘It calms me down,’ ‘I’m more fun when I’m drunk’ and more — but these explanations only skim the surface of the deeper issues that usually drive and fuel a drinking problem.” (Ashley Michael, from article titled “But I’ve Got Reasons” posted on Troubled with.com)

And what about the promises your spouse has made that “things will be different?” (That is, if you’ve even received such promises!) Perhaps you can relate to the following comments that came from a wife whose husband has a drinking problem:

“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. That must be the most frustrating part of the experience — having Bob look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s through — really done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’

“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From the Question and Answer article “If my husband drinks a lot but doesn’t get drunk, is he an alcoholic?“)

That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it, don’t you think? Your spouse may have good intentions but he/she is in a state of denial both mentally (not facing the truth) and in a state of denial physically (where the needs of the body deny him or her the ability to stop reaching for another drink unless he/she has serious help).

It’s difficult to talk to someone who is in a continual state of denial, as well. That is why you often need help to know how to best work with the situation you have been handed. It comes down to the fact that when you are dealing with a person who is a heavy drinker —particularly if he or she is is drinking at the time, you aren’t speaking to your spouse so much as you are the alcohol he/she is using for numbing purposes — to cope with life in an unhealthy manner.

When you are trying to deal with this type of dysfunctional partner you truly need wisdom and help from someone who isn’t so close to the situation and can give you objective advice.

“A comment I often have clients, who are frustrated with a dysfunctional partner, repeat back to me is:  ‘Do not expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.’

“Learning to get our expectations in line with reality is a first step in dealing with reality. We are often the first person that needs a change of perspective. In therapy we call this ‘re-framing’ the situation.” (Delores Stone, Counselor)

You need to “get real” within yourself and with your spouse. To help you with this, please click onto the web site links below:

• GAMES ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES PLAY

• ARE YOU AN ENABLER?

• WHEN TO TAKE A STAND (Watch Online)

And when the away spouse returns, the stay-at-home spouse many times has expectations for them to immediately pitch in and help, and/or give them a break from being with the children for a while, and/or talk and talk and talk, etc. It can put a real strain on a marital relationship because the other spouse has their own expectations. And having to fulfill a “to do” list isn’t usually one of them!

There ARE some marriages that can do well under these circumstances, but they seem to be those who purpose to work this situation out with a team spirit and intentionality. A lot of times they have some kind of game plan functioning for them which makes the best of this situation. But from what we’ve seen, these marriages are rare.

The important thing is that if you want to have a good marriage and not just one that barely functions under these circumstances, you need to make the effort to do that which will make sure “absence really does make your heart grow fonder.”

So, to help you in this mission, we are providing below several links to web site articles that we believe you will benefit from reading. The first one is written by Ellie Kay and is posted on the web site for the publication, Marriage Partnership Magazine.

To read this article, please click onto the following link:

• STAYING CONNECTED WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS AWAY

-ALSO-

A series of articles put together by the ministry of Focus on the Family deal with this same subject. To begin reading, please click onto the link below:

• DEALING WITH PHYSICAL DISTANCE IN MARRIAGE

—ALSO—

The ministry of Family Life Today put together a 3-day radio broadcast with Dennis Rainey, who talks with Sam and Toni Gallucci, on the subject of being a “Road Warrior.”

Whether you are an executive who feels you have to be away from home at certain times because your career demands it, or you simply feel you have to work a job in another city away from your family, this series of broadcasts can be helpful for you and your spouse. We hope you will glean from the information given to make whatever you can work for your marriage.

To read the transcripts or to listen to them on your computer, please click onto the links provided below:

•  THE ROAD AS A ROMANCE

•  HAZARDS OF THE ROAD

• ON THE HIGHWAY TO HEALING

When you’re done reading the above article:

You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

That’s the vow that we make when we marry. But what is the “better or worse” of someone who marries cross-culturally? And what if you are a missionary?

We’re told by Jesus how important it is to “count the cost” when we become his followers. Whatever vow we enter into, there are important matters to consider before we make solemn promises. And that’s especially true of those of us who enter into marriage.

“Those who marry will face many troubles in this life; I want to spare you this” is the warning the Apostle Paul gave (1 Corinthians 7) those who are active Kingdom workers who are considering marriage. As he said, “A married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided.”

This is true, that’s the nature of marriage, you have to care for the needs of your spouse, so there are times when your interests will naturally be divided.

But there are other times where a spouse, when you work in unity with God as partners, can help you to do God’s work in a multiplied way. And that can sometimes, but not always, be true of those who cross-culturally marry.

As you “count the cost” of marrying, and “count the cost” of marrying cross-culturally (or maybe you are already married and need help), the articles provided below could provide you with additional points to prayerfully consider. Please click onto the links provided below to read:

• A BIBLICAL LOOK AT INTERCULTURAL MARRIAGES

• ARRANGED MARRIAGE AND CROSS-CULTURAL MARRIAGE

•  THE BETTER AND WORSE OF CROSS-CULTURAL MARRIAGES

•  INTERCULTURAL MARRIAGES: IS MY WAY THE RIGHT WAY?

•  LOVE AND MARRIAGE — JAPANESE AND AMERICAN

•  TEN TIPS FOR PROTECTING YOUR CROSS-CULTURAL MARRIAGE

•  OVERCOMING ROLE CONFUSION AND BOUNDARY THREATS

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

Likewise, if you stayed at home until every ounce of affection was poured out in all the appropriate places, if you kept giving until every emotional need was met, if you did every chore, finished the “honey do” list, and did everything necessary to ensure that everyone felt loved, you would never make it to work.

In fact, if you are a parent, you know that your kids alone could command every waking hour if you let them. Add to that your fitness goals, hobbies, and friendships. The list is endless and so are the time requirements.

So let me take some pressure off you. Your problem is not discipline. Your problem is not organization. Your problem isn’t that you have yet to stumble onto the perfect schedule. And your problem is not that the folks at home demand too much of your time. The problem is that there just isn’t enough time to get everything done that you’re convinced—or others have convinced you—needs to get done.

As a result, someone or something is not going to get what they want from you—what they need from you—what they deserve from you—certainly not what they expect from you. There isn’t any way around it. There is just not enough time in your day to be all things to all people. You’re going to have to give in somewhere.

Our reaction to this dilemma is to answer the call of “the squeakiest wheel getting the oil.” Whoever creates the biggest mess ends up with the biggest share of our time and attention. We run from fire to fire, troubleshooting our way through life, rescuing the needy and rewarding those who can’t seem to stay out of trouble.

Over time, our families learn that the only way to get our attention is to create a crisis. And let’s face it—it’s amazing how much time we can take away from work when our children are in crisis. Men and women become incredibly bold with their managers, company presidents, and boards when there is a crisis at home. What was once unthinkable becomes non-negotiable.

I know a CEO who spent 29 days with his wife at a Detox Center 600 miles from their home—29 days! Yet over the past three years he has done almost nothing in investing in what he’d tell you is his most important relationship. And if anyone had suggested he take a 29-day vacation in order to invest in his marriage, he would have laughed. But he did—only when he had to.

I know a contractor who almost had to shut down his business to attend to his daughter’s drug addiction. He took her from one rehab center to another, trying to find “the best medical treatment in the country.” This is the same man who could never find the time to complete an entire week of vacation with his family. Suddenly, he has the time.

Wouldn’t you do the same for your wife, your husband and your kids? Of course you would! So why wait? Instead of allowing the most recent crisis to dictate how much time you give your family, why not find a way to let your time and priorities by governed by the greatest purpose?

You’ll find that creating a healthy family environment is difficult because of the selfishness of each family member. Creating a successful career is difficult because of the competition in the marketplace. The struggles related to both of these environments could take up our undivided attention. But we don’t have the luxury of devoting our undivided attention to either since most of us find ourselves with the responsibility of both. So we’re forced to wrestle with the conflicts of home and work.

Clearly we don’t have the luxury of choosing one or the other since both are a permanent part of our lives. Both demand more attention than we have to give. Both originated with our Creator. But still, there’s not enough time to tell to get it all done. We’re going to say “no” somewhere, either verbally or through neglect.

We credit ourselves with good intentions. We know we’re guilty, but since we know we’re guilty, surely the fact that we feel bad about what we’re doing counts for something! As one young husband blurted out to his wife in his own defense, “But honey, you know my heart!” And he was right, she knew his heart. But it wasn’t his heart that had left her feeling left out from his life; it was his schedule.

Good intentions have never accomplished anything. If I run over you with my car, but it was my intention to swerve and miss you, you still have to go to the hospital. Upon hearing of my good intentions, your bones are not suddenly healed. You’re just as injured as before.

I’m going to tell you a secret about each of your family members that they’ll never tell you themselves, primarily because they aren’t aware of it. But it’s true and extremely important for you to know. Do you know what your family wants from you more than anything else?

“Love?” you say. That’s part of it. But it goes deeper than that. They want to feel accepted. In practical terms, they want to feel like they are your priority. “But they are my priority,” you might argue.

They may be your priority, but that’s not my point. They want to feel like your priority. It is not enough for them to be your priority. They must feel like it.

I’ll never forget discussing this point with a very busy corporate vice president. He kept assuring me of how much he loved his wife and kids. Finally I interrupted him and said, “The problem is, you love your family in your heart, but you don’t love them in your schedule. And they can’t see your heart.”

IT’S A QUESTION OF LOYALTY
For us, the chief indicator is time. Ours is tested by what we put on our calendars. Where you spend your time is an indication of where your loyalties lie. In effect, you pledge your allegiance to the person or thing that receives your time.

Are there bridges you need to burn? What are the bridges that making this decision will require you to burn? Are there accounts you need to hand off? Are there some out-of-town meetings that need to be handled on the phone? Is there an offer you need to refuse? A promotion you need to give back? Once you have made up your mind, it will become all too clear what stands in the way of your being able to focus on your commitment to reprioritize.

So what is your non-negotiable? What does it look like? Does it mean leaving the office everyday at 5:30, regardless? Does it mean never missing one of your children’s performances or ball games? What does the commitment look like in your world?

Again promising to do “better” won’t get it. You’ve already done that. That terminology doesn’t even register with your family. They’ve heard that before.

POSTURING
When we at last catch a glimpse of the hurt we’ve caused at home, there’s something in us that wants to fix things immediately. It’s not enough to make up our minds; we want to do something.

But the wrong actions for the right reason produce painful results. You can do the right thing for the wrong way and end up in a worse situation than the one you left. The operative word throughout this book has been choosing, not reacting.

The fact that you have decided to make a change in your life does not necessarily mean the folks at work are under any obligation to change. There is no value in punishing your employer. Your attitude and approach should be seasoned with diplomacy and tact. Besides, the source of your frustration is not your employer. It is the decisions you have made in response to the demands of your employer and the marketplace in general. Nobody forced you to work there. It was your decision. You, not they, must bear the consequences.

CHEATING AND DECEIVING
Think and pray about reallocating your limited time assets according to your predetermined priorities. As we’ve said on several occasions, the blessings of God are never attained by violating the principles of God.

I don’t believe for a minute that God guarantees us a pay raise if we obey Him. But I do know that God honors those who place their faith in Him. Jesus summarized it this way: But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you (Matthew 6:33).

In other words, order your world around your Heavenly Father’s priorities for you and then trust Him to fill the gaps created by your faithfulness. Instead of asking God to stand watch over family while you give to your career what belongs at home, turn the prayer around. Go home, seek Him first, and ask Him to watch over things at work. In time, you will discover that when you prioritize correctly at work and at home, God will honor you in both arenas. Everybody wins.

MISPLACED LOYALTY
Let’s face it. One day you will come home from the office for the last time. Nobody retires from his or her family to spend his or her final days in the office. Your last day may be at sixty-five when you retire or at thirty-five when you are laid off. Either way, you are coming home. What and who you come home to will be determined by what and who you choose to cheat between now and then.

I have seen too many men and women cheat their family of giving them enough of your personal time, only to find that the companies they worked for, were not nearly as faithful to them as they were to the company.

Loyalty in the marketplace is rarely reciprocated. It is sad when a man or woman is forced out of an organization they bled for to return home to the family they have neglected.

Why give your ultimate loyalty to an organization where your value is conditioned upon your ability to perform? Why betray those whose loyalty is unconditional? Why devote so much of yourself to something you know you will leave, and so little time to those you will eventually come home to? It doesn’t make any sense, does it? Yet without a conscious decision to do otherwise that is exactly what most of us are prone to do.

It has been said before. It is worth saying again. Nobody gets to the end of their life and wishes that had spend more time at the office. You won’t be the first.

• Make up your mind.

• Develop a plan.

• Deliver it diplomatically.

• Be willing to walk.

• And then watch for God.

After all, He takes full responsibility for the life that is wholly devoted to Him.

The above article came from the book, Choosing to Cheat — Who Wins When Family and Work Collide by Andy Stanley, published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. As Dr John Maxwell says about this book [which we agree]:

“This is a life-changing book and extremely relevant to our modern way of life. Author Andy Stanley confronts us with truth and transparency. Just as he had made a commitment in his own life to balance his family time with his work, he encourages us to make similar commitments. One of the main reasons it’s life changing is because a godly man who makes choices in his own life to never sacrifice his family for success has written it. If he wins the world but loses his family, what has he gained?”

This book presents a strategic plan for resolving the tension between work and home. You’ll find ways to deal with the busyness that wreaks havoc with the relationships you consider most important. Preview or purchase this book now.

- ALSO-

To read an additional article related to the one above which gives you a different slant on this subject, please click on the link below to read:

• WHEN THE OTHER WOMAN IS HIS JOB

We recognize that a spouse doesn’t always have choices as to how many hours is required to work his or her job (because the company requires it). And we recognize that there are times when a spouse may have to travel more than it is desirable. Sometimes spouses even have  to live apart in distant locations because there isn’t a job available in the same town. But we encourage you if this is the case, that somehow decisions will be made on both your parts to find ways to build communication bridges and line your priorities up as they should be to make your marriage and family life as healthy and strong as possible. (We have additional articles on this web site that can help you with that.)

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

“Our world is much larger than our immediate family, and we cannot pretend to be islands unaffected by everyone else. We affect those outside our families and they can affect us in return. Our relationships with those beyond our families can affect us both positively and negatively. Sometimes outside influences bring joy to our lives; sometimes they are heavy weights to bear. But healthy friendships and the ability to interact with those outside the family, on the one hand, and the ability to develop our characters without undue influence from peer pressure, on the other, can all be important values to our lives.”

“God made us to be social beings. The enemy of our souls, of course, wants to break down all social relationships and turn them into chaos. God wants the love we have in our immediate families to expand to the entire human family. In fact, the family is a model for the way all people should relate. It is important to think about how we relate to others, because our relationships can have an influence far greater than we might imagine” (Jay Kesler, from the book “Family Forum”).

So what kind of friend are you —one who is positive or one who brings negativity into their world?

The Bible says that “A friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). Are you showing love to your friends and respecting and being supportive in their marriage relationships? Maybe your friends don’t have good marriages. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be a supportive and prayerful friend who pokes holes in the darkness, by the way you talk and live out Christ in your interactions with them.

How do you show your love? The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 13, how to live out your love —whether it is in your own marriage, or in other relationships, such as friendships, that you have in your life. In The Message, written by Eugene H. Peterson, it is translated in the following way:

“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.”

Are you that kind of friend that loves like God tells you to do? Do you have those kinds of friends in your life? If you don’t, then keep looking. Don’t settle for friends that will hurt your life and your marriage. It would be better to be without human friendship, than to compromise the values the Lord wants you to live out. Noah is a good example. He didn’t compromise with his friends, and God honored him for it. If you can be the good influence on your friend and not take up their bad influence, then great! You are God’s light to them. But if you can’t be that kind of friend, then “Be ye separate from them.” (Lot, in the Bible, learned this the hard way.)

How much richer our lives can be if we can find friends that can add to our lives, rather than take away from it! The friendship of David and Jonathon is a good example of a giving friendship. There are others in the Bible as well.

Author Jay Kessler talks about the influence friends have made in his life for the positive (in the book Family Forum). He writes:

“Dr Ted Engstrom, one of my spiritual mentors, told me once that every man needs both a Timothy and a Barnabas. That is, he needs a friend whom he can affect in a positive way —like Timothy —and he also needs someone like Barnabas, whom he can walk with, talk with, and share his innermost thoughts and feelings with. There are many Timothies and Barnabases in good men’s fellowship groups.

“I’ve been a part of many such groups. Right now, I meet with a group of guys every Saturday morning just to goof off for an hour and a half. We call it ‘Wasting Time Together,’ and we drink coffee, eat pastries, and talk. Sometimes we end up praying or reading the Bible, but we don’t start with an agenda. I think this is important. So when the meeting is over, what we’ve said to one another is, ‘You guys are worth spending ninety minutes with, even though we didn’t have anything specific planned.’ It’s a definite friendship-builder.”

There are women’s groups that meet and do the same thing. And then there are one-on-one times with other friends that hold this type of richness. The point is that we need each other. But we shouldn’t settle for friendships just because we can’t find the right type. Keep looking. Don’t give up. Even if it takes 20 years, it’s a search worth persevering through.

A few other scriptures that tell of the kind of friend you should be to one another are:

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:5-6). That means that a friend won’t be false and pretend things are all right when they aren’t. They will openly and respectfully love their friend enough to risk their friendship and help their friend.

My best friend Jessie did that years ago when she found out that I was separated from my husband Steve. She was a new Christian and said she decided to “risk our friendship” to share the love of Christ with me. And because of the “risk” she took, I now know of the love of Christ personally. One of the first pieces of advice she gave me as a fellow believer and friend is for me to go back home to my husband.

I told her that it would be foolish, “He hasn’t changed, so what’s the use?” She said, “No, he hasn’t changed, but you have. Just read the Bible as it if is true (I didn’t believe that it was true yet, but she said to read it as truth and eventually God would show me that it is —which did eventually happen), and start living it out. Let God work on your husband.”

I did just that and about 3 weeks after being home, Steve wanted to know what had changed me so much in my attitude and the way I interacted with him. I told him of my new relationship with Christ, and the Spirit moved upon him to want the same. This experience forever changed our lives, our marriage, and where we would live for all of eternity.

What a difference a friend can make! My friend Jessie is a close friend that Steve and I will forever be grateful for and appreciate because of the good friend she showed herself to be to us.

Another piece of advice concerning friendships can be found in Proverbs 16:28, which says, “A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.” This tells us to be careful of how we conduct ourselves as a friend. Don’t take liberties and say things you shouldn’t and don’t say things about others that you shouldn’t. It can cause division. No one wants a friend that is one way in front of them and then will tell others of their personal business or will spread lies about them or their spouse. Your friendship will rightly end at that point.

“He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends” (Proverbs 17:9).

“Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips” (Proverbs 4:24).

“If you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth, then do this, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor’s hands: Go and humble yourself’; press your plea with your neighbor!” (Proverbs 6:2-3)

Here’s another piece of advice from the scriptures, “Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house —too much of you, and he will hate you” (Proverbs 25:17). It doesn’t say never; it says seldom. In other words, don’t be out with your friend or over to his or her house more than you should. It can hurt their marriage, and it can hurt your friendship. Be wise in how much you are together, and how much you live your lives in separate ways.

Sometimes the best support you can give is in small doses and from a distance (other times it is the opposite). God will show you what is best if you ask Him.

To help you further with the concept of friendships and how they influence a marriage, below you will find a series of links we have provided. The first is one that we have posted in the “Emotional Infidelity” section of the Marriage Missions web site. It concerns having friends that are of the opposite sex. And then another helpful article and even a questionnaire follows behind. It would be good for you to read and prayerfully consider what they say. To read them, please click onto the link below:

• KEEP YOUR OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIP FROM GOING TOO FAR

• HOW OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIPS CAN BURN YOUR MARRIAGE

You can also find a questionnaire in this same section of the web site titled “Questions: Guiding Opposite Sex Friendships in Marriage” that you might find helpful as well.

The other links are from other helpful web sites, concerning various aspects of friendships once you are married. To read each one, click onto the one you want to read and then arrow back to click onto the next link you would like to read. After you are through, if you have something you’d like to share, please write it in the box provided at the end of this list and submit it. Here are the links we hope you will visit:

• WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FRIENDS?

• He said, “She’s a Social Maniac.” She Said, “He’s the Ultimate Homebody.”

• PAINLESS HOSPITALITY … How to Open Your Home to Friends

• WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE … Are Your Pals Helping or Hurting?

• THE NEED FOR FRIENDS

• FRIENDSHIP — IT DOES A BODY GOOD

• MY WIFE’S WORST GIRLFRIEND

• PUBLIC DISCLOSURES … When Is It Okay to Vent About Your Marriage?

• For Better, For Worse — Ways to Support Your Friend in a Marriage Crisis

• HOW A MAN’S FRIENDS CAN MAKE OR BREAK HIS MARRIAGE

• MY BEST FRIEND’S HUSBAND IS A FLIRT! Should I Tell Her the Truth?

• RESOLVING CONFLICT OVER SPOUSE’S FRIENDS

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Traditionally, wives have assumed most household and child-care responsibilities, while husbands have taken the responsibility of providing income for the family.

While men are changing the diapers, wielding the mop, and tending the stove more often than ever before, it usually isn’t nearly enough. In dual-career marriages, men, on average do less than half as much child care and housework as their working wives.

As most women have figured out by now, men are not very motivated to do housekeeping. Many husbands think that any effort to help with household responsibilities represents a monumental sacrifice. But from the wife’s perspective, he is simply doing a small part of his fair share of the work. In many of these marriages, the husband demands that the wife do most of the work, and the wife demands that the husband do it. Neither feels it is their responsibility.

Domestic responsibilities are a time bomb in many marriages. Marriage usually begins with a willingness of both spouses to share them. Newlyweds commonly wash dishes together, make the bed together, and divide many household tasks. The groom welcomes the help he gets from his wife because, prior to marriage, he’d been doing it all alone as a bachelor. At this point in marriage, neither of them regard domestic responsibilities as an important marital issue. But the time bomb is ticking.

When does it explode? It’s when children arrive! Children create huge needs, both a greater need for income and greater domestic responsibilities. The previous division of labor is not obsolete. Both spouses must take on new responsibilities. Which ones should they take? In most modern marriages, both spouses opt for income, leaving the domestic responsibilities to whoever will volunteer. It’s a recipe for disaster, at least for most working women, because they end up doing most of the housework and child care, resenting their husbands’ lack of support.

If household responsibilities are given to whoever is in the mood to do them, nothing much will be done. If one spouse demands help from the other, that will also have an unsatisfactory outcome. But if assignment of these tasks can be mutually agreed upon by willing spouses that accept the responsibility, everything will run smoothly. I would like to propose to you a solution to your conflict. My solution will not only resolve your conflict, but it will meet the need for domestic support.

This solution will require you to do something that is essential in solving most conflicts: get organized. It means you must think through your problem carefully and systematically. You will need to write down your objectives and create solutions that take each other’s feelings into account. While you may find all of this awkward and terribly “not you,” there is not other way. Besides, when you’re done, you may find it to be more comfortable than you anticipated.

Step 1: Identify Your Household Responsibilities

First, make a list of all of your household responsibilities including child care. This list should (1) name each responsibility, (2) briefly describe what must be done and when to accomplish it, (3) name the spouse that wants it accomplished, and (4) rate how important it is to that spouse (use a scale from 0-5, with 0 indicating no importance and 5 indicating most important).Both spouses should work on this list, and it will take several days to cover the bases. You will add items each day as you find yourself accomplishing various tasks or wanting them accomplished.

Each time a task is added to the list and the work is described, the spouse wanting it done must be named along with their rating of the task’s importance. But the other spouse must also consider to what extent he or she would want it accomplished. So the names and importance ratings of both spouse should eventually accompany each item. Examples of items on the list are as follows:

• Washing the breakfast dishes—clearing off the breakfast table every morning; washing, drying and putting away all the breakfast dishes and utensils that went into preparing breakfast—Becky (4); John (2).

• Feeding the cat—put cat food and water in the cat’s dishes at 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m.—John (5); Becky (0).

When you’ve finished your list, both of you should be satisfied that it includes all of the housekeeping and child-care responsibilities that you share. You may have as many as a hundred items listed. Just this part of the exercise alone will help you understand what you’re up against with regard to the work that you feel must be done.

Step 2: Assume Responsibility for Items That You Would Enjoy Doing or Prefer To Do Yourself

Now make two new lists, one list titled “his responsibilities” and the other titled “her responsibilities.” Then select items that you are willing to take full responsibility for all by yourself. These are tasks that you would enjoy doing, don’t mind doing, or want to do yourself so they can be done a certain way. When you have added an item to one of the two new lists, cross it off the original list.If both you and your spouse want to take responsibility for the same items, you can either take turns doing them, or arbitrarily divide them between the two of you.

But you must approve each other’s selections before they become your final responsibilities. If one of you doesn’t feel that the other will perform the task well enough, you might give each other a trial period to demonstrate competence. Once you have taken responsibility for any item, your spouse should be able to hold you accountable for doing it according to his or her expectations.

Now you have the three lists: (1) the husband’s list of responsibilities, (2) the wife’s list of responsibilities, and (3) the list of household responsibilities that are not yet assigned.

Step 3: Assign the Remaining Responsibilities to the One Wanting Them Done the Most

Assuming that all tasks you wouldn’t mind doing have been eliminated, we’re left with those that would be unpleasant for either of you to perform. These are items that neither of you wants to do, but at least one of you thinks should be done.It’s at this point that you may choke on my recommendation. I suggest that these unpleasant responsibilities assigned to the person who wants them done the most. It’s a reasonable solution, since to do otherwise would force responsibility on the one who doesn’t care about them.

Consider for a moment why you want the other person to do these unpleasant tasks for you. Even though you are the one who wants them done, you want the other person to relieve you of the pain you suffer when you do them. In other words, you want to enjoy the benefit of having them done, but you are not willing to suffer for it yourself. You would rather see your spouse suffer. You want to gain the benefits of having these unpleasant tasks accomplished at your spouse’s expense.

You may argue that these tasks are not really what you want done, but rather what should be done. For example, you may say that they’re for the benefit of your children. But when you use that argument, you imply that your spouse is such a slob and so out of touch that he or she doesn’t even know or care what’s right or what’s best for the children.

While that may be precisely the way you feel, it’s incredibly disrespectful. You’re assuming that your view of the situation is superior to that of your spouse. You’re trying to straighten him or her out. But I guarantee you that your argument will not be well received. Whenever you try to impose your way of thinking on your spouse, you make your spouse feel bad. And you usually won’t win the argument! So why do it?

By following this procedure you may decide to change your attitude about some of the responsibilities on your list. When you know that the only way to do something is to do it yourself, you may decide that it doesn’t need to be done after all. In fact, you may find that what kept you convinced of its importance, was the notion that your spouse was supposed to do it.

So far, we have a fair division of labor, but we haven’t addressed the need for domestic support. So there is one more step in my plan that may not make you feel much better about my solution, but it will help you meet one of your spouse’s most important emotional needs.

Step 4: Meet the Needs of Domestic Support by Assuming Responsibilities.

Up to this point, the assignment of household responsibilities is fair. You’re dividing responsibilities according to willingness and according to who benefits most with their accomplishment. But marriage takes you one step further. In marriage, you do things for each other because you care about each other’s feelings, not just because you want them done yourself.You may not be willing to take responsibility for a certain task because, quite frankly, you don’t think it needs to be done. But if your spouse thinks it needs to be done, it may be an opportunity for you to meet his or her emotional need for domestic support.

Let me repeat a concept that is crucial to your marital happiness. If you and your spouse are in love with each other, you will have a happy marriage. If you aren’t in love you will feel cheated. So whatever it takes to trigger the feeling of being in love with each other is well worth the effort.

If cooking dinner or ironing shirts or picking up socks triggers the feeling of love in your spouse, why not do those things? In fact, if meeting any of the emotional needs that I’ve described in this book really does create the feeling of love, why would anyone resist doing it? It’s not only an act of care, but is an act of supreme wisdom. By doing for each other what you appreciate most, you will have what few marriages have, the feeling of love throughout your entire lives.

What makes this book so effective is that it gets right to the heart of what makes marriage work-the feeling of love. As Dr Harley says,

“Communication and problem-solving skills are important in a happy marriage, but not absolutely essential. It’s the feeling of love that’s absolutely essential. In all my years as a marriage counselor, I’ve never counseled a couple in love who wanted a divorce. But I’ve counseled many divorcing couples with excellent communication and problem-solving skills. Don’t get me wrong-I’m very much in favor of improving communication and problem solving in marriage. But unless those skills help trigger the feeling of love, spouses feel cheated in their marriages and often want out. This book will teach you what’s most important in marriage-how to fall in love and stay in love with each other.”

WORK AROUND THE HOUSE: Who Does What?
-By Cindy Wright

Even though this article is addressed to newlyweds, it will benefit even those who have been married for many years. If you haven’t resolved this problem in your marriage, treat it as a new problem and look for healthy ways to resolve it with the first step being to read this article.

To read this article:

CLICK HERE

MARRIAGE MESSAGE #266 – Working Together as a Team

“Working together as a team”—we know we’ve talked a lot about this on different levels in past marriage messages, but SURPRISE, we aren’t done! And we never will be, because we so deeply believe that married couples are supposed to work together as a team. We believe this is part of “Cleaving” together in marriage (biblically-speaking).

To read more:

CLICK HERE

MARRIAGE MESSAGE #151 — Accomplishing Tasks Together

“Don’t shower me with love and kisses—just whisper softly, ‘I’ll do the dishes’.” This is where real life happens in a marriage. When couples accomplish the tasks of life TOGETHER, they free up time to pursue personal and marital goals. This enriches their enjoyment of their relationship and each other.

To read more:

CLICK HERE

MARRIAGE MESSAGE #98 – Resolving a Messy Issue

THE MARRIAGE DILEMMA: What do you do if one of you has the “natural inclination” to be a “messie” and this drives the other spouse absolutely crazy because they like things neat and tidy?

To read more:

CLICK HERE

We’ve talked to quite a few couples who say that snoring is robbing them of being able to sleep together. We’ve been amazed at how many couples aren’t sleeping in the same room at night because of this problem. One wife told us that she had enough of sleepless nights and finally had to start sleeping in another bedroom because it was affecting her health.

“Even though God designed us to need sleep, sleep problems are rarely considered major health epidemics. Yet Dr. James Maas, author of Power Sleep, says that sleep is a necessity, not a luxury. And it’s not just the amount of sleep that’s important, it’s also the type.

“Even if you’re in bed for ten hours, you may not be able to reach all the stages of sleep if you’re constantly jolted awake. You may awaken feeling as if you haven’t slept at all. And if you don’t reach all the stages of sleep, you’ll be prone to more viral infections, mood shifts, and emotional stress.” (Sheila Gregoire, from the article “When Sleeping Together Drives You Apart” featured in the Summer 2002 issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine)

We know of another wife who said that her husband finally found a solution that helped. He wears the nasal strips on his nose at night and they seem to help stop his snoring most nights. One brand is called “Breathe Right” but we’re sure there are others

My husband has tried those, and sometimes they work but other times they don’t. Steve doesn’t snore every night, but when he does, it makes for a long night for me — and truthfully, for him as well, because he doesn’t seem to sleep as soundly on those nights as well. I’ve found that often by just nudging him to change sleeping positions, it often works to stop his snoring.

I used to get quite angry about it, when he would snore. Sleep-deprivation and a bad attitude can do that sometimes. But then the Lord spoke to my heart and helped me to see that he wasn’t doing that on purpose and by being mean towards him over this problem, I wasn’t helping things at all. I was just causing more of a division between us and I also was being disrespectful.

I’ve learned to be much kinder in how I nudge him — rather than elbowing him. I’ve also used those times to pray for him and for others — making the most of those times, “redeeming the time” as it will.

My husband feels quite bad when his snoring causes problems for me. I have to say that his expressing sympathy helps in some ways.

Because Steve is an insulin-dependent Diabetic, he often has insulin reactions in the middle of the night, and I am needed to help him get through them. So, if for no other reason, my husband needs me to sleep by his side. As his partner, a few sleepless nights, is a small price to pay for his better health. I’d much rather suffer from less sleep than have him go through a severe insulin reaction.

I know of many widows who would love to have a few sleepless nights in exchange for having their husbands by their side in their beds. I never want to take my husband for granted that he will always be here

There’s an article I read in the Spring 2007 issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine, written by Jayna Richardson, that gives another insight into this subject that I encourage you to read. Please click below to read what she writes:

And the following is a more humorous look at the same subject, written by Nancy Kennedy, posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site:

If those articles don’t minister to your situation in any way, the following piece, also posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site offers some suggestions that you might find helpful. Please click onto the link below:

If you need additional solutions to the problem you are facing in sleeping with a snoring spouse, the following link, posted on About.com, has a few additional suggestions you might find helpful:

We don’t know if it will work for you or your spouse or not—to stop the snoring, but we heard a wife testify that the solution found on the following web site worked wonders for her snoring husband. She said that it brought peace back into their marriage bed. You just may want to explore this as an option to see if it will work in your case. Please click below to visit the web site:

The following web site came highly recommended to us as one of the best on this issue:

Are you challenged in trying to get to sleep even though your spouse doesn’t snore? Please click onto the link below to read:

• AH, TO SLEEP!

We also know that Sleep Apnea can cause problems with snoring and some people have found help as they wear a breathing apparatus when they settle down at night. That might be something you can ask your doctor.

And finally, there is another solution to this problem. Although we don’t highly recommend it, we do know of couples where it does work for them.  You just need to make sure that you are both in agreement concerning this plan and you find ways to initiate being intimate with each other where both of you are satisfied. Otherwise temptations outside of the home may be more problematic, because of a loss of intimacy in not sleeping together. Please click onto the link provided to read:

•  ONE MARRIAGE, TWO BEDS

If you know of any other suggestions that might help spouses who snore, please write your comment below. We would appreciate it!

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

1. Is your spouse unaware of your opposite-sex friendship? __Yes __No

2. Would you ever behave differently around your friend if your spouse were present? __Yes __No

3. Would you feel uncomfortable if your spouse had the same quality of friendship with someone of the opposite sex? __Yes __No

4. Do you prefer to spend time alone with your opposite-sex friend rather than in a group setting? __Yes __No

5. Are you physically and/or emotionally attracted to your friend? __Yes __No

6. Is your friend someone you would consider dating if you were single? __Yes __No

7. Have you ever entertained romantic fantasies about your friend? __Yes __No

8. Do you ever compare your spouse to your friend? __Yes __No

9. Do you think about sharing important news with your friend before your spouse? __Yes __No

10. Do you and your friend ever exchange highly personal details about your lives or complain about your marriages to each other? __Yes __No

11. Do you often reference or talk about your friend with others? __Yes __No

12. Has your spouse ever expressed concern about your friendship? __Yes __No

13. Is your relationship with your friend ever a source of tension or conflict between you and your spouse? __Yes __No

14. Have you ever ignored or minimized your spouse’s requests to end or modify the relationship with your friend? __Yes __No

15. Have you ever deceived or misled your spouse about matters concerning your friendship? __Yes __No

16. Has anyone other than your spouse ever cautioned you about your opposite-sex friendship? __Yes __No

17. Do you do things with your friend that your spouse is unwilling or uninterested in doing? __Yes __No

18. Does your friend fulfill needs that you wish your spouse would meet? __Yes __No

19. Do you have unexpressed or unresolved anger toward your spouse? __Yes __No

20. Does your marriage lack intimacy? __Yes __No

If you answered, “yes” to one or more of the questions above, your opposite-sex friendship poses a real threat to the quality of your marriage. It may be in the best interest of your marriage to either significantly limit or actually end your close friendship. Be completely honest with yourself and your spouse and pray that God will give you the wisdom, discernment and courage to do what is best!

It is possible for married people to have healthy opposite-sex friendships. However, special consideration must be given to a number of factors that, if ignored, can potentially serve to threaten your marriage and seriously compromise your relationship with God. If you desire to make or keep your marriage strong, here are some tips for managing opposite-sex friendships in your life.

• Make your relationship with Jesus Christ your number one priority in life.

• Develop and consistently nurture a “best friend” relationship with your spouse.

• Develop and consistently nurture close same-sex friendships.

• Make sure your spouse knows your friend and is completely comfortable with the type and level of interaction you have with them.

• Honor your spouse’s wishes concerning your friendship—even if it means ending it.

• Avoid establishing close friendships with opposite sex singles.

• Avoid close opposite-sex friendships if you are struggling in your marriage relationship.

• Address unmet needs and unresolved anger in your marriage in an open, honest and timely fashion.

• Demonstrate a God-honoring character in all your relationships.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy— think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. (Proverbs 3:21-23)

The above questionnaire was written by Dr Todd Linaman. This document was used by permission from:

Family Life Communications Incorporated
PO Box 35300
Tucson, Arizona 85740

“The plain truth is that it’s impossible for two human beings to live together for any length of time and not hurt each other. All too often life gets in the way of living. If the struggles of marriage were isolated to the minor irritations that come along with being imperfect, we would probably all have great marriages. But minor irritations can grow into major problems—and major infractions can break your heart.” (Bill and Pam Farrel, from the book, “Love, Honor, and Forgive. A Guide for Married Couples”)

It’s amazing the damage that can be caused by allowing little irritations to build up in your mind against your marital “partner!” After a while it can become difficult to be kind to the person you pledged on your wedding day to “love, honor and cherish, and that can eventually cause bigger problems.”

“The simple truth is that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship—a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. A couple that keeps their friendship strong despite the inevitable disagreements and irritations of married life, experiences what I call ‘positive sentiment over-ride’ — their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings. It takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple.” (Dr John M. Gottman, from article, Lessons from the Love Lab, Family Circle, 4/2/02)

So, what do you do to tend to those problem areas so you can maintain a stronger friendship and have more “positive sentiment over-rides?”

We have several things you can look at that might help you in some way. The first is to go into the “Marriage Messages” section to see what we have there that can help you. Two messages in particular (among many) would be:

• Creatively Re-framing Our Marriages – Marriage Message #259
• Love Accepts Many Irritations – Marriage Message #241

Also, there are a couple of articles featured in Marriage Partnership Magazine that you can read on their web site that could also help you. Please click on the links below to read the articles:

• Fixing Those Irritations
• Spouse Interrupted: My Little Digs Made Big Holes
  
• Ready, Set, Grow!

“The following insightful article about marriage appeared on a Jewish email list. If you aren’t Jewish or a person who studies the Bible, there might be a few words you won’t understand, but trust me, this applies to all marriages, Jewish, Christian, or other!” (Azriela Jaffe)

Here is what was written:

It’s difficult not to sympathize with our patriarch, Jacob, who becomes the victim of a last minute switch by his father-in-law, who tricks him into marrying the wrong woman. The Torah relates that Laban had two daughters, Leah and Rachel. “Leah had weak eyes, while Rachel was shapely and beautiful.” Jacob loved Rachel and he offered to work seven years for her.

When the seven years were up, Laban substituted Leah for Rachel on the night of the wedding. Jacob discovered the deception only after he’d consummated the marriage with Leah. Jacob accepted his fate and remained with Leah. But he later also married Rachel, the bride of his choice, “and he loved Rachel more than Leah.”

Yet, at the end, it was Leah who became Jacob’s primary wife. Rachel died at a young age; so that most of Jacob’s married life was actually spent with Leah. In addition to this, it was Leah who mothered most of Jacob’s children, the future tribes of Israel and it was she, not Rachel, who ultimately was buried with Jacob in the Machpelah cave in Hebron.

Why did this marriage—the marriage that formed the foundation of the Jewish nation, the marriage that produced every single Jew living since, come about in such an appalling manner? And why did Jacob have to go through this absurd experience?

The Secret Behind the Veil:

There’s a custom practiced during Jewish weddings known as the “bedeken,” or the veiling. Before the wedding ceremony, the groom goes to the room where his bride is sitting on a throne and he covers her face with a veil. Her face remains covered during the entire chupah ceremony.

One of the traditional explanations for this custom is that it commemorates the event that occurred during Jacob’s wedding ceremony. Since Jacob’s bride was veiled, he didn’t realize that he was marrying the wrong woman. But if that’s the reason, shouldn’t the custom be that the groom uncovers his bride’s face to make sure that he’s marrying the bride of his choice? Why are we commemorating at each of our weddings this terrible episode that occurred to poor Jacob?

The War that Can Break or Make Us:

In the writings of kabbalah, Leah and Rachel represent two dimensions existing in each of our spouses, women and men alike. Rachel, “the shapely and beautiful sister,” embodies the attractive, charming and romantic features of our spouse. In fact, in Hebrew Rachel means “ewe,” an animal characterized by its bright white color and its gentle and lovable nature.

Also, the numerology of the Hebrew name Rachel is the same as the numerology of the Hebrew words “and there was light.”

Leah, a name that literally means “one, who is weary,” represents those elements in our spouse that are more complicated and disturbing. Leah, the weak-eyed sister, weakened from tears and anxiety, embodies our continuous and exhausting struggle with the dark demons and ugly impulses in our lives.

Thus, in Chassidic writings Rachel is associated with the tzaddik-personality, while Leah is associated with the baal-teshuvah (the penitent) figure. The tzaddik is the pure and sacred human being, reflecting the harmony and goodness of his creator. The baal-teshuvah, on the other hand, embodies the individual who must continuously battle the negative urges and destructive habits rooted in his or her psyche.

The drama that occurred at the wedding of the father of the Jewish people occurs at almost every wedding. When you get married, you may think that you’re marrying Rachel: the comely, perfect and fictitious spouse that you chose in your dreams. But in reality, you’re bound to discover that you ended up with Leah, a human being possessing layers of unresolved wounds and tension.

Initially you may love and appreciate only the Rachel dimension of your marriage partner and despise the Leah part of that individual. Yet as life progresses you’ll come to discover that it’s precisely the Leah dimension of your spouse, more than anything else, that was always meant for your soul. It’s the shortcomings and imperfections of your spouse that can challenge you to transcend your ego and become the person you are capable of being.

Creating a Space for That Which Emerges:

That’s the secret behind the veiling. When the groom veils his bride, he’s essentially stating that “I will love and respect not only the ‘you’ who is presently visible to me, but also the ‘you’ that is still concealed from me and might emerge only later. I’m committed not just to the ‘Rachel’ in you, but also to the ‘Leah’ in you.

“As I bond with you in marriage,” the groom is saying, “I’m creating a space within me to accept and nurture the totality of your being.”

Marriage Missions editor’s note: You probably never thought when you entered into marriage with a simple “I do” that there would be hidden sides to your spouse that would bring into your lives together such conflict. Making the vow to “love, honor, and cherish” each other for the rest of your lives is a lot easier to say than to live out. Most of us eventually learn this to be true.

We pray that the article you read above will inspire you to ask the Lord to help you to mature in your innermost character to reflect the love of God in holy matrimony. As author Gary Thomas (who wrote the book, Sacred Marriage) said:

“Knowing why we are married and should stay married is crucial. The key question is this: Will we approach marriage from a God-centered view or a man-centered view? In a man-centered view, we will maintain our marriage as long as our earthly comforts, desires, and expectations are met. In a God-centered view, we preserve our marriage because it brings glory to God and points a sinful world to a reconciling Creator. Allow your marriage relationship to stretch your love and to enlarge your capacity for love — to teach you to be a Christian.”

The above edited (shortened) article, written by Yosef Y. Jacobson (featured before the Marriage Missions editor’s note) on the Leah and Rachel Deception, is from Azriel Jaffe’s FREE e-newsletter “The Entrepreneurial Couples Success Letter” —to subscribe, mail azriela@mindspring.com with the following in the body of your email message: subscribe entcouples-list.

I write about my experiences and what God taught me along the way in the two books, After The Boxes Are Unpacked.Moving On After Moving In and But Mom, I Don’t Want to Move! (Focus on The Family Books, published by Tyndale House).

Now in full time ministry to women who are struggling with the emotions of relocating, I am also aware that many husbands are struggling too.

As women who are caught in the emotional maze of moving, we often don’t know what our husbands are really thinking and feeling as they deal with a move and a job change. Our struggles and frustrations may be lessened, by understanding their needs and expectations.

I thought it would be helpful to get insight from one moving man’s perspective, so I asked my husband, Bill, to share his thoughts:

Few people can appreciate the strong, direct connection that a man’s self image has to do with his job and his ability to succeed in that job.  Sadly, I have found myself associating my value with what I do, rather than who I am in Jesus Christ. Emotional needs continue to follow us, and sometimes we listen to the world rather than the Word. 

Our experience shows that the man usually starts the job before the family moves. The loneliness and isolation caused by distance in miles and emotion, added to the fears associated with a new job, new co-workers, new city, and maybe even a new company, can shake our very value and identity. 

Some men have asked themselves questions like: “Did I make the right decision by taking this job?” “Am I capable of doing this job?” “Do my co-workers like me, will I fit in?” “Am I doing what’s best for my family?”  “What does my new boss expect from me?”

For the most part, men may not know how to recognize or deal with these feelings. Since we usually “act out” rather than “sound out” our feelings, (we may get quiet under stress rather than interact) we may be more than just physically absent during a move—we are most likely emotionally absent too!  

With all these fears going on inside of us we may not be ourselves. With the stress of a new job, many times we are not available to help you make family decisions, keep the kids stable, arrange for movers, tie up loose ends, say farewell to friends or other tasks associated with moving. Please give us grace during this time.

Our greatest need is for you to cheer us on as we struggle with our fears, our self-doubt and all of our earthly battles.  We need your encouragement as we enter the arena of moving.  We need to know you believe in us by saying, “Yes, you do have what it takes!”  “Yes, you did make the right decision!”  “Yes, we will be a family again!” 

The physical aspect of a move is a temporary event that should not have a permanent emotional toll on the marriage relationship.  Marriages have been strengthened by couples who have learned to work through their emotions and feelings together through good communication and a commitment to one another.

May you “move” closer together in marriage as you “move” closer to Jesus Christ!

Susan Miller is President/Founder of N.E.W. Ministries, an outreach ministry to encourage and connect women to Christ, church and the community. Learn more about this ministry at www.justmoved.org or email Susan at susanmiller@justmoved.org.

Bill and Susan teach marriage classes at their home church in Scottsdale, AZ and speak at marriage conferences and seminars nationally.

“The loss of a job can put the vow ‘for better or for worse’ to the test. Unemployment rates high on the list, along with death and divorce, as one of life’s top stress-inducing events. Fortunately, there are plenty of resources and guidance for those coping with their own unemployment. But what about the rest of the family? Unemployment impacts spouses and children, too.” (Roberta Rand)

Another author said this about being unemployed:

“Nobody likes to think about being unemployed. But it’s a state that’s more and more common. Whether due to corporate ‘right-sizing,’ termination, or career change, it’s always an uneasy time. What causes the stress? First, the spouse who’s lost his or her job may have suffered a serious blow to the identity. This is especially true for husbands, since most men largely define themselves by their work [although we acknowledge that it's not true for all]. They also tend to believe that the husband’s earnings are the family’s primary income, whether that belief is stated or not.

“Second, many couples haven’t saved enough money to get them through a prolonged period of unemployment. Running out of money is a real possibility, depending on how long joblessness lasts. So is going into debt with credit cards or losing a house if you default on a mortgage. All this weighs heavily on both partners, especially the one who feels most responsible to ‘win the bread.” (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

Coping when your spouse is unemployed can be difficult for any married partners, but it’s especially difficult for those of you who have a spouse who refuses to get a job when their income is critically needed to make ends meet financially. This type of situation works over-time on your mind as to how to cope with their refusal when the needs are so great.

So, how do you make it when one of you loses a job or is unemployed for some reason — whether it’s by choice or not? That’s a question that so many couples struggle with in this uncertain world. It’s one that we’d like to invite you to comment about in the space provided below. Maybe you have encountered this situation and you can write something that might help others in some way.

But before you write, we invite you to read the following article posted on the web site for the ministry of Focus on the Family (which we greatly appreciate). You can also see that they have other related articles posted. After reading what will help you in your situation, arrow back to add your comments below this link if you desire to do so.

To read the article click onto the following link:

WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS UNEMPLOYED

— ALSO —

From the ministry of Marriage Partnership Magazine:

UNEMPLOYED AND UNNERVED

When my husband, Dennis, first began job hunting, I’d hold my breath as I waited for him to appear at the door, eager for a glimpse of his face to tell me if his day had been a success. But now, 15 months after he became a statistic —one of 300 laid off by his employer of six years —I can tell how his day’s gone simply by the way his feet hit the steps leading from the garage into the house. Today his footsteps are heavy, as though he’s carrying the weight of the world.

All these months I’ve watched Dennis stuff hundreds of resumés into the mailbox and pound away at the computer keyboard, courageously sending hundreds more electronically. I’ve waved good-bye to him as he drives off early in the morning to face another day of approaching unapproachable receptionists at companies that “are not hiring.” And I’ve greeted his slumped shoulders and downcast eyes upon his return after another unproductive afternoon.

I’ve seen Dennis lower his expectations, then lower them further. An electronics technician with a sterling work record and more than 20 years’ experience in his field, he first sought a comparable job. After a few months, Dennis expanded his search to include entry-level positions in his field, expecting that would do the trick. His wink and nod assured me we’d find a way to get by for a while on the lower salary. But after several weeks went by with no interviews, much less job offers, he began to respond to every job posting for which he was qualified —and, more often than not, overqualified.

He then began to be turned away for jobs on a whole different level: gas station attendant, custodian, grocery clerk, and school crossing guard, to name a few. And while I was proud of his willingness to do whatever job it took to put food on the table, it was at that point I became afraid.

My fear stemmed from all the unknowns: What if Dennis doesn’t find work soon? How long can we go without his income? What will happen to us when the unemployment insurance expires, or our savings runs dry?

In the beginning, I was Dennis’ biggest cheerleader. But the more time goes by, the more discouraged, despondent, and bewildered Dennis becomes. And the more tired I get. I’m tired of saying things I don’t even believe anymore, such as, “It’s going to be all right,” “You’ll find something soon,” or, “Don’t worry, today will be the day.”

I dread the inevitable question from concerned friends and family: “Has Dennis found a job yet?” I hate the look on people’s faces when they hear of our situation for the first time. And I’m frustrated that my attempts to help have proven equally unfruitful. As a stay-at-home mom with job experience that’s six years stale, I’m aware of my inability to compete with people of my husband’s caliber for the small pool of available jobs.

Several months ago, Dennis and I thought things were on the upswing when another mom from our church asked her husband to hire me as a temporary employee. We breathed a sigh of relief when I landed the full-time job, which was expected to last up to six months. Five days later, as I was playing with our son, Benjamin, at the park, I broke my hand and required surgery to repair the damage. I had to quit the job and, what’s worse, lacking health insurance, we had to pay for the surgery out-of-pocket, setting us back even further financially. Afterward, I was unemployable for the months it took to heal, and more bewildered than ever by the apparent futility of our financial situation.

I hit rock bottom the day I walked by my husband at the computer and saw a game of Solitaire on the monitor instead of a job website. I stopped dead in my tracks. “What are you doing?” I wailed. “You’re supposed to be looking for a job!”

Not looking up from the screen, he snapped at me over his shoulder. “I’m just taking a break.” Anger and resentment that had simmered for months suddenly bubbled out of me.

“Is this what you do all day when you’re supposed to be job hunting?” I accused. “No wonder you still haven’t found a job!”

More unkind words spilled out of my mouth, and even when Dennis swiveled around in his chair to face me with pain in his eyes, I couldn’t stop. I finally was quiet when he said bitterly, “This is your idea of support? You’re supposed to be encouraging me!”

His words rang in my ears long after our fight, each time followed by my un-uttered reply: Oh yeah? Well, who’s encouraging me?

All through this nightmare, I’d prayed for God’s provision for our family. But with each passing week, I wondered what was taking so long. Why isn’t God answering any of my prayers?

I cried out to God again from my position at rock bottom. Looking up out of my window, waiting expectantly for an answer, I noticed a flock of blackbirds glide across the clear blue sky. A familiar Bible verse came to me, as if whispered on their wings: “Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable are you than birds!” ( Luke 12:23-24).

I thought about the birds. And I began to look at my situation with fresh eyes. Then it struck me: God’s been providing, all right. The reason I hadn’t seen it before was because God’s idea of provision is so different than mine. I’d been waiting for God to provide my husband a job. But instead, he’s given us an opportunity to assess what’s important and what isn’t. He’s stopped us in our tracks to take a look at ourselves and learn.

We’ve tightened our belts, done without frivolous things, and even done without things that aren’t frivolous. I’ve watched our bank account drain away to dollars and change with nothing to show for it except meeting basic needs. At first it was painful, but now it’s gotten easier. I’m grateful when I remember we once had more than enough, and I entertain the hope we will again someday.

God’s provision has been time: a season for our son Benjamin to be with his father; one that, at five, he may not consciously remember, but that I know has shaped his character nonetheless. Dennis has read to him, painstakingly taught him to play chess, ride a bike without training wheels, and master pinball and foosball. Our son’s had the opportunity to see his father’s perseverance in action. Benjamin’s learned by example how to weather disappointment, and how to pitch in and encourage each other. And he’s had the privilege to pray earnestly for a job for his father.

God’s provision has included a crash course in humility. When I had my hand surgery, some friends brought over dinner and groceries. Later, we opened the card they’d included; it contained a generous gift certificate for the local supermarket. I expected my proud husband to refuse it politely, but instead witnessed him sit down at the kitchen table and write them a heartfelt note of thanks.

And I’ve been humbled as well. The other night I sat with a frozen smile as an acquaintance, face aglow, told me her husband just was handed his dream job on a silver platter. She gushed about how it was an answer to their prayers, until I felt as though I was the unloved stepsister of fairy-tale lore. Even as bitter tears wet my pillow later, I was keenly aware of clean sheets, a full stomach, and a roof over my head. That night I committed to memory another lesson about provision: While it may not seem equitable, you have to trust God gives you exactly what you need.

I don’t know whether we have weeks, months, or perhaps even years more to go in this trial. I don’t know if we’ll have to move away from a hometown we love so Dennis can find work. I don’t know if there’s a full-time career out there with my name on it. But when I dwell on all God has provided, I find the answers to questions I didn’t know to ask.

First, I know what it means to live on a wing and a prayer. Because it’s clear how God’s provided for us so far, I can trust him for tomorrow. It doesn’t mean I’m still not afraid, just that now I’m giving my fears to God.

I know I’ll never again take a job, health benefits, or unemployment insurance for granted. And I now know that wealth has nothing to do with your income, your job title, or what you can buy at a store. Wealth is being surrounded by those you love, secure in your future not because of a bank balance, but because of the One who loves you.

Above all, I understand more fully Jesus’ statement, “How much more valuable are you than birds!” Birds can fly, but they can’t cry out to God, hear his answer, or learn to be grateful for suffering. Though I stand here flightless and jobless, I know God’s estimation of my value: priceless.

Laurie Jackson, a freelance writer, lives with her family in Colorado.

A WOMAN’S WORK
-By Holly Vicente Robaina

Unemployment often is viewed as a man’s problem.
But what about when it happens to you?

My husband, Ricardo, and I both have gone through periods of unemployment, and we’ve each dealt with the loss differently. While Ricardo’s job plays a huge role in his identity, for me, a job is just one small role. I clung to my roles as wife, daughter, and friend during times when my “employee” role was gone. And the loss I felt wasn’t so much for the job itself as for the benefits I’d gotten from it: a regular schedule of stuff to do, people to interact with every day, and a sense of contribution.

Here are a few tips for women facing unemployment- from one who’s been there.

• Keep a schedule— Boredom was my Enemy No. 1. On Monday mornings, I’d make a list of activities including job hunting, chores, errands, exercise, Bible reading, and hobbies—enough stuff to keep me busy all week. I kept a regular bedtime so I wouldn’t be tempted to sleep all day. I also kept the television off during the daytime so I wouldn’t be distracted from my “work.”

While job hunting certainly is a priority, varying your activities is essential. The first time I found myself unemployed, during my single days, I made the mistake of job hunting all day, every day. It made sense at the time: I had lots of bills to pay and zero income. But this strategy quickly caused burn-out and depression, which made my job search much more difficult. It really raised my spirits when I decided to .

• Take up an (inexpensive) hobby— Conscious of money matters, I looked for low-cost and no-cost ways to have fun. So when I was single (and thinking about every penny I spent), I found plenty of free entertainment by visiting the library or sightseeing in my local historic district. Take advantage of this time —some museums and tours offer reduced prices or even free admission during weekdays. Town halls or visitors’ centers often have free guidebooks with a list of these.

During my second bout with unemployment, I had my husband’s income to lean on. So I decided to try something I’d long been curious about: artistic painting. After an initial investment of $7 for brushes and paints, I found I could make beautiful paintings for about $3 each. Creating art for our home gave me a sense of accomplishment —something I sorely missed from my working days.

A full schedule with fun elements kept me busy enough. But it certainly couldn’t replace my need to.

• Interact with others— When Ricardo lost his job, there were few people with whom he wanted to share his burden. I was just the opposite: I told everybody. I spent more time on the phone with friends, and would seize any opportunity to interact with others.

We women thrive on friendships and communication. It’s important to find the sense of community you miss from a job by plugging into more social activities at church, volunteering, or just talking with your friends.

It’s also important to share your physical needs. At one point, when I was single and unemployed, I didn’t have a scrap of food to eat and was about to be evicted. I was afraid that if I told my family and friends, they’d think I was irresponsible or even refuse to help. Hunger finally won out over embarrassment. As soon as I shared my needs, one person immediately offered to pay my rent, and others bought groceries for me.

Family and friends offered so much support. Ultimately, though, my greatest comfort came when I would.

• Pray — It’s surprisingly easy to pray when you have tons of time and no one else to talk to. I desperately wanted God’s companionship. At first, I cried out to him about my loneliness, begging him to fill it with friendships, activities, a job. But as I felt him comforting me, my perspective changed. I became grateful for the solitude because it allowed me to talk to God nonstop. I saw evidence of his provision every day. Pretty soon, I stopped asking God to change my circumstances and started thanking him for this time of spiritual renewal.

Both of the above articles came from the July/August 2004 edition of the wonderful magazine Today’s Christian Woman www.christianitytoday.com with the first article being titled, “Laid Off! written by Laurie Jackson. This terrific magazine has many other very informative articles that you can read by going to their web site plus you can subscribe to personally receive their magazine at this web site which we would highly recommend because of the quality of what they make available to read.

To read another article titled featured on the TroubledWith.com web site, please click onto:

• WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR JOB

To read an article featured on FamilyLife.com, please click onto:

• COPING WITH YOUR HUSBAND’S JOB LOSS

To read an article featured on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site, please click onto:

• DOWNSIZED!

To read an article featured on Crosswalk.com, please click onto:

• WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LOSES HIS JOB

To read a few articles posted on the Crown Financial Ministries web site please click onto:

• COPING WITH JOB LOSS

• SURVIVING A JOB LOSS

— PLUS —

You can choose from numerous articles to read
that could help you during this time of transition
featured on the Crown Financial Ministries web site by clicking onto:

• EMPLOYMENT

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

The above statement can be true or untrue for you. But whatever the case, when one spouse is away from the home for extended periods of time, it can cause a major strain on the household, the marital relationship, and on both individual spouses involved. With that being the case, we need to try to make the best of the situation as we can.

The article we’re featuring is one that comes from the web site www.peterswife.org which is a ministry dedicated to bring “help and encouragement for women living cross-culturally.” Not only is the content of this article helpful but as you scroll to the bottom you can click into “Hubby’s Away Comments” which also has some helpful information.

A lot of what is going to be discussed in this article can actually be adapted to help husband’s if their wives are away so keep that in mind if you know someone in that situation, and let them know about it.

And also keep in mind that the dynamics of every situation is different. If you want to adapt it to fit your marital situation or use all of it or none of it, you have that option. Just be prayerful and also flexible because like the saying goes, “Those who are flexible shall not break.”

To read the article, “When Hubby’s Away”:

CLICK HERE

And then after you read that article click back to read the following at the link provided below:

ACROSS THE MILES

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

In other cases one spouse may have to spend long periods of time away meeting the needs of extended family. Whatever the circumstances that create the separation, we have chosen to address two key concerns that are important for keeping a long-distance marriage healthy: communication and creative time together.

COMMUNICATION: Most marriages suffer from lack of communication, but for couples who spend large quantities of time apart, it is especially easy for their lives to drift in different directions. To maintain a healthy marriage, couples need to remain in contact with each other and be involved in each other’s independent activities much as they would be if they had dinner together every night.

For me, this was a concern when Chuck and I were living apart due to our jobs. Chuck did not seem as bothered by this as I was. For five months we saw each other only on weekends. We communicated mostly by phone and occasionally via e-mail. It seemed that nights we felt like talking did not coincide. But the time we had our phone conversation at the end of the day, if I was tired, he wanted to talk. If I had time to talk, he was tired and short with me.

We learned that we had to plan to make our usual conversations a priority. We had to call each other earlier in the evening. Originally our tendency was to place the call just before turning out the light, but we were too tired by then to share much of what went on in each other’s day. As we developed a better pattern, even though I’d never met any of the boys he worked with in the residential treatment center, I felt like I knew them almost as well as he did.

Now we are back living in the same house, but I travel and am occasionally on the road for a week at a time. The day-to-day communications still take an effort to maintain. We talk on the phone almost every night when I’m gone. I leave notes for Chuck in places I know he will discover throughout my trip: in the refrigerator, under his pillow, in a book he is reading, in his organizer, under a few pairs of socks. Sometimes he sends me e-mail. It brightens my day to open up my e-mail while I am on the road and see that I have a note from Chuck.

While these ideas may sound trivial, they go a long way in helping us feel connected. I would encourage John and Joan to be sure they are communicating on at least this level before they move on to addressing the deeper issues that may exist.

After reading about John and Joan’s situation [a married couple Marita discusses earlier in the chapter who are contending with his extensive traveling work schedule away from home], Shirley wrote,

“That was the story of my life for forty-two years. During the last five years, it has really intensified; Nate retired from the Air Force and went with industry. He has been to China and Russia almost three times a month. Over the years I have had the full range of emotions: feeling neglected, wanting to divorce and find someone who really ‘cared more about me than his job,’ creating arguments to try to get my point across, ignoring him, developing my own interests, pretending I didn’t care, gaining sympathy from other people for my ’sad state of affairs’—and the list goes on.”

From her experience, Shirley suggests that Joan start by beginning to express her thanks for what John does do—he comes home faithfully, spends Saturday nights with her, and provides for her. John [who has a powerful, leadership temperament] has a need to be appreciated for all the work he does. He believes he is doing what he needs to do as a husband by providing well for Joan. Men see togetherness much differently than women do; their being in the same room—or house—is often sufficient “together time” for men. In talking about her marriage, Shirley says,

“My husband, Nate, did not need to spend any time with great ‘togetherness’ for him. Once I realized that being in the same room with him, even though we didn’t converse, fulfilled his ‘togetherness’ idea, I could relax with it.”

Meanwhile Joan needs to be sure that her heart is right. If she attempts to address her concerns with John and she is full of anger, her attempts will backfire and may drive him away. Perhaps this is why talking has not been effective. Gaylen Larson, Ph.D., warns Joan,

“You need to understand the principle that anger feeds anger. If you approach John in an angry manner, you will feed his anger, resulting in a negative outcome. Proverbs says a soft answer turns away anger, and that an angry answer feeds anger (Proverbs 15:1). What you want to do is to dispel the anger, not feed it.”

To love John extravagantly, Joan needs to be willing to make the first changes. She can begin to make some personal changes through her time with the Lord. Addressing similar concerns, Shirley says,

“Although I was deeply involved in speaking and women’s ministry, the lack of togetherness began to take its toll. I could feel myself moving towards depression, so I began journaling my feelings. I recall getting up one morning at three and going downstairs to write my thoughts to God. I was very honest with Him—since God already knows my heart. I asked Him to help me understand and accept Nate for who and what he is: a good provider, a man of high integrity, a man who I know loves me (in his own way)—and to help me support him in the area of his needs.”

“The Lord helped me find a good Christian friend who would listen in confidence to my complaints, but would not allow me to tear Nate down or wallow in my self-pity. She listened, empathized with me, and then challenged me with ways to help understand and accept his work to love extravagantly, though she did not use that term.

I pray for Nate, and I encourage Joan to do the same for John. I suggest that Joan read The Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian. Another wonderful book is Personality Plus, by Florence Littauer. Understanding the Personalities and his ‘work’ mode versus her ‘friend/social’ mode would be extremely helpful to Joan and John as it was for Nate and me.”

While I doubt that John is expecting a romance-novel greeting, Joan can make some adjustments to be sure he feels welcome, giving him a sense of excitement and enthusiasm about coming home. On the nights that he gets home early enough, she might prepare his favorite meal and serve it in front of the fireplace. When his arrival hour is late, she could try my routine—spending time pampering herself with a bubble bath (or whatever works for her) and getting in the right frame of mind. As Shirley suggests, make his homecomings special:

“I believe that if Joan begins to accept John just as he is, lets him know that she appreciates his being such a good provider and acknowledges to him that ‘traveling all the time must be hard on him,’ and then asks what she can do to make his homecomings special, she will begin to see a difference in their relationship.”

By following Shirley’s advice, Joan will be creating an environment that is conducive to discussing her other concerns: their limited time together and how many of her needs go unmet. Then she can ask John what his thoughts are and what he sees might take place to remedy the situation.

By this point, we hope John will be willing to discuss Joan’s concerns and make some changes. He must recognize his role as a husband is more than just bringing home a paycheck and playing spouse for a night.

CREATIVE TIME TOGETHER: [Another problem is] Joan and John have fallen into a trap many couples face, traveling spouse or not. Their relationship has a routine and lacks excitement, variety, and a creative use of time together—which is especially important due to the limited time available. While John is working very hard and providing for Joan, the first change he must make is to draw some boundaries and make Joan a priority on the weekend—since they both have this time off.

Since John’s weekday’s, and part of the weekend, don’t involve Joan, he needs to make some sacrifices for his marriage. From his own experience with his wife and travel schedule, Gene recommends,

“John must place a priority on spending time with Joan. He needs to focus more on her rather than playing golf every Sunday. John should try to consolidate as much work as possible during the week, leaving only a minimum for Saturday.”

If John makes this adjustment of spending more time with Joan, they can probably reach an agreement that would allow John to golf with his buddies once or twice a month, and spend time with Joan the other Sundays.

Even if John doesn’t change his priorities and carve out more time to spend with Joan, the time they do have needs to be more creative and stimulating for both of them.

When John and Joan plan their special activities together, they need to take into consideration what they like to do together and individually. Perhaps Joan could learn to golf so John can still golf, but they could together—or she could drive the cart.

To prevent falling into a rut, try one of the many books available that offer creative dates for couples. Simply entering the word “dating” on Amazon.com brought up over 1,600 books. Two I suggest are by Dave and Claudia Arp: 10 Dates to Revitalize Your Marriage and 52 Dates for Your and Your Mate. Joan and John might want to get one of these books and spend an evening selecting a few dates that they both agree sound like fun.

Another issue of concern is that it appears Joan and John do not have any spiritual connection. Church attendance should be one of the activities that they do together as their Christian life offers the foundation for their marriage commitment. They might seek out a church with worship services offered on Saturday night as well as Sunday. Attending on Saturday would leave Sunday morning open for their personal quality time. While this may sound somewhat heretical to some, I think God would honor the decision to encourage a healthy marital relationship.

Many couples live apart long term. Others make it through a few months of a temporary situation. Whichever your case, I hope the insights offered here will help you love each other extravagantly—to give, not to get.

INTERACTION:
1. The couple needs to create a balance sheet on [the traveling spouse's] job to determine if it is worth the strain on the marriage. In separate columns, they should list the costs and benefits of the current job. This will help them see in black and white whether or not he/she should stay in this job.

2. Each spouse should ask him or herself, “If things remain exactly the same, how long do I think I can hang in there?” Then share the responses. This is an indicator of how critical the situation is and how urgent the need for change. Different solutions to the issue require more time to complete than others. When time is short, bold action is required.

3. Depending on the answers to the previous exercises, begin to look for avenues for change. For example, if both agree that a job change is not needed, what changes can be made in the weekend routine? List specific variations and select one for each upcoming weekend. Even if a job change is agreed upon, it may take months to implement. Therefore, a change in the weekend routine may still be needed.

4. Because of the minimal time this couple has together, they need to maximize the time that they do have. Schedule time weekly—about an hour—to do a couple’s communication exercise [you can find some in the "Communication" section of this web site. Or you can read a Marriage Message together and discuss it.] It will be especially valuable to this situation.

The above article came from the book, Love Extravagantly… Making the Modern Marriage Work, by Marita Littauer and Chuck Noon, published by Bethany House. There is so much more this particular chapter and this book has to say about this subject and so many other important subjects that can really minister to those who are married.

Some of the subjects covered are, career issues, job loss, loss of life direction, depression, living on an emotional roller coaster, prenuptial agreements, children from a previous marriage, “boys and their toys”, living paycheck to paycheck, commitment, ex-spouse issues, personal issues, and more. Marita Littauer and Chuck Noon (who are married) show you how it can be done in these and many more situations—by practicing extravagant, go-the extra-mile love. As Emile Barnes (author) says,

“This book looks at marriage in a unique way—a diary of couples who have developed their own balance. Marita and Chuck write this book realizing that there is no perfect marriage, no average American family. They understand that each union brings to the table different needs, expectations, backgrounds, and personalities. Jesus didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. We are to love like that—EXTRAVAGANTLY!”

“The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.” (I Corinthians 6:13)

“Therefore, honor God with your body.” (I Corinthians 6:20)

God’s Plan for sexuality and His definition of marriage: When asked about marriage and divorce, Jesus said,

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6; See also Genesis 1:27 and Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:31)

God defines marriage as a man LEAVING HIS FATHER AND MOTHER and uniting to his wife, so that TWO become one flesh. God created the first marriage relationship:

God made Adam, but said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make A helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18)

Why polygamy is not God’s Will or intention for human sexual relationships:

You can only leave your parent’s household once! Notice that God’s definition of marriage involves a man “leaving his father and mother” to be united to his wife. Once a man has left his father and mother’s authority and household to marry, he cannot leave that household again! This means that when a man first marries a woman, he does so upon leaving his parent’s authority. If he were to subsequently marry another woman, he would not be leaving his parent’s authority again, and thus would not fulfill the definition of marriage as outlined in Matthew 19 and Genesis 2:24.

God gives us only two other circumstances where a man can marry another woman:

• 1) If his wife dies (See Romans 7:2-3)
• 2) If his wife commits adultery (See Matthew 19:8-9)

Examples in Scripture:

• Adam and Eve: God created Adam, and provided for him a single wife. He did not provide multiple wives for him, nor do we have any evidence that Adam ever had another wife. This original marriage relationship powerfully exposes God’s intent for mankind’s marriage relationships.

• Noah: Called a “preacher of righteousness” (2 Peter 2:5), Noah was the only family head who was spared during the destruction of the Great Flood. He had but one wife.

• Job: God called Job “My servant.” Though Job was very rich and considered “the greatest man among all the people of the East,” he had only one wife.

• Isaac: The child of the promise had but one wife, Rebekah.

• Moses: Of all the Old Testament saints, Moses was the closest to God. He spoke to God face to face as a man speaks with his friend (Exodus 33:11). Moses is also regarded as the greatest of the Old Testament prophets. God Himself even singled out Moses as a special prophet since He spoke to him face to face rather than revealing Himself in visions (Numbers 12:6-8) Moses had only one wife, Zipporah (Exodus 2:21)

• Joseph and Mary: The Lord’s earthly parents are a prime example of a monogamous relationship.

Scriptural monogamy:

“Each man should have his own wife (singular word), and each woman her own husband. (singular word). (I Corinthians 7:2)

God’s standard of monogamy for Christians is an absolute requirement for anyone who wants to be a deacon in the church:

“A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well.” (I Timothy 3:12)

QUESTIONS ANSWERED:

What about the Old Testament practice of polygamy? The practice of polygamy is clearly found in the Old Testament. Abraham, Jacob, David, and Solomon are prime examples of Old Testament saints who practiced polygamy. But it must be clearly stated that just because they had multiple wives, doesn’t make it right! At no time does God condone or place His “seal of approval” upon the polygamous practices of these men. In fact, God warned Solomon well in advance to NOT practice polygamy:

Moses’ instruction to Solomon generations in advance:

Deuteronomy 17:14-20 is God’s warning against the polygamist practices of Solomon. After stating that the king (Solomon) is not to get riches from Egypt, nor to amass silver or gold, Moses says,

“He must not take many wives” (Deuteronomy 17:17).

Polygamy brought problems:

• Abraham’s household was fractured because of jealousy between Hagar and Sarah.
• Jacob also endured spousal rivalry.

• David’s adulterous tendencies were his downfall, as he approached Bathsheba.

• Solomon’s many wives were a snare to him and drew him into idol worship.

Why didn’t God stop polygamy, or outright rebuke these men for practicing it? This question has plagued many readers when considering the issue of polygamy. The fact is that many other sins of the patriarchs went unmentioned by God. Abraham’s half-lies about his wife Sarah’s relationship to him, Lot’s selfishness in choosing the better land, Jacob’s scheming, David’s lies in the land of the Philistines, and many more sins went unmentioned in a specific manner by God.

God expects each man and woman to examine his or her own heart and life and to compare it with Scripture diligently to determine if his or her actions and motives are pure and right. We should not expect a word from the Lord on each and every thing we do. Sometimes, even chronic sins remain in a saint who has not become acutely aware of his sinful behavior.

In summary, the lack of a specific rebuke by God is in no way to be taken as an acceptance or condoning by Him of the behavior.

Isn’t polygamy the answer to the problem of divorce? Polygamists often state that when a man begins to desire another woman, initiating a polygamous relationship prevents divorce of the original wife and subsequent fracturing of the family. The answer to this problem is not to marry another woman, but for the man to exert self-control and love his wife without being given to adulterous lusting after another woman.

Should we outlaw religious beliefs by consenting adults (such as with original Mormonism)? The issue is not “should we outlaw religious beliefs?”, but “should we outlaw destructive practices?”

The U.S. Supreme Court in 1878 (Reynolds v. United States) declared,

“The intent of Jefferson’s remarks was that the rightful purposes of civil government are for its officers to interfere when principles break out into overt acts against peace and good order. In this…is found the true distinction between what properly belongs to the church and what to the state.”

Religious beliefs are not to be outlawed. But destructive actions are to be outlawed. The State shall not be coerced into granting marriage licenses for every two, three, or more people who request them! Shall we grant marriage licenses for an adult man and a young male child? Shall we grant marriage licenses to a group of 6 people who want a “group marriage?” Shall we grant marriage licenses to two men or two women? How about three men?

Obviously, there is a point at which any person would say “No!” We know from experience that state-condoned behaviors that do not support the traditional family tend to dissolve the traditional family. When marriage becomes anything, it becomes nothing.

Why this is important: If our society continues to accept non-traditional views of the family, we will see an erosion of the family unit itself. When marriage is devalued, infidelity is accepted, and non-biblical modes of sexual expression are encouraged, confusion and instability will arise within our youth. God has assured us that when we obey Him, we will have joy and happiness:

“The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart.” (Psalm 19:8)

Let us not forget what God did to the towns of Sodom and Gomorrah:

“In a similar way, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.” (Jude 7)

“Then the LORD rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah—from the LORD out of the heavens.” (Genesis 19:24)

The above article comes from the helpful web site for Eads Home Ministry which can be found at: www.eadshome.com. We encourage you to visit their web site to learn about other aspects of Christian living.

To read additional articles on this subject please click onto the web site links provided below:

• Why Did God Allow Polygamy/Bigamy in the Bible?

• Food for Thought: Mark Twain on Polygamy

The following also has additional articles you can choose to read on Polygamy, in the Table of Contents on the right of this article:

Problems emerge whenever individuals do not sever emotional ties to old boyfriends or girlfriends. This is especially true when there has been a heavy physical component in a prior relationship. The bonding that took place was premature and wrong.

Unless the individual works hard with God’s help to stop reliving the old dreams and schemes of the past, then both the person and his or her spouse will suffer.

I am not suggesting that a person won’t experience a sudden unexpected recollection that comes from nowhere to wound like a fiery dart. We can, however, stop pursuing the emotional memory of a previous love. We must root out those recollections from our memories to the best of our abilities.

When all we do is chop the heads off weeds [like in gardening], then all we enjoy is temporary relief from their presence. They will be back —often in a more robust form than before.

I have seen the destructive weed of past ties wrap itself so tightly around a husband or wife that divorce is the result. In many such cases, the individual then seeks out and marries his or her previous lover.

At the heart of these matters is a theological issue —the difference between remorse and genuine repentance. A person may think he has repented of the sins of his past and moved on with his life, when actually he’s just very sorry that things didn’t work out.

If you need help determining the difference, you can be sure that repentance hates the memory of sin and resists its return at every point. But if the sorrow you feel keeps you focused on the past, beware of remorse that may be preventing you from acknowledging the root of sin. If you do not find a previous sinful relationship unattractive, you must get beyond the remorse to find the repentance you need.

If the husband and/or wife has been divorced, this problem is inevitably compounded, for the aftereffects of divorce are often more severe than the divorce itself. As the couple approaches marriage, one (or both) of them faces especially strong ties to the past that almost certainly will work their way into this brand-new relationship.

Let’s assume that Bill and Jane, both divorced, are planning to marry. Neither of them initiated their divorces, and, in fact, did all they could to save their marriages. Bill’s wife left him for a fitness trainer at their club. Jane’s husband came home one evening and announced that he was strongly attracted to his secretary and wanted to be “amicably” released from his marriage. What can Bill and Jane expect in their new relationship?

Sin causes misery. Even though Bill and Jane could do little to avoid their divorces, they and their children are forced to live with the consequences of their former spouses’ sin. From now on, there will be occasional friction with the children of the previous marriage, who are forced to commute between divorced parents.

When the children graduate or get married, those events will become major stress points as Bill and Jane attempt to celebrate with their kids in the shadow of new stepparents. If Bill and Jane have children of their own, there will be a natural rivalry between those children and the children of the ex-spouses. Whether or not Bill and Jane choose to dwell on the ties of the past, those once vital relationships will assert themselves at regular occasions.

Couples do not need to feel trapped by these old associations, but moving on with their lives will require an extraordinary measure of emotional fortitude and prayerful dependence on God. It will also be a great help if they cultivate the kind of sensitive openness that will allow them to acknowledge their emotional struggles to each other. With honesty and patience, they can lean on each other, and together rest in the promise of God’s provision and protection.

As Alistair says about this book, “This is an attempt at preventive medicine. It is written primarily for those who are contemplating marriage from the vantage point of singleness, who are in the early stages of married life, or who have enjoyed a number of years of marital bliss and are tempted to conclude that this kind of material is interesting but undoubtedly irrelevant. However, it may also prove helpful to those who are already dealing with the effects of decay… In a sense, this book is, unashamedly, ‘Marriage for Dummies.’ It is a refresher course on basics, and hopefully you will find it to be much more.”

Passion and romance are strange phenomena. They are strong compulsions and hard to control. This is one area that has always perplexed me about God’s creation. Why didn’t He create us with the ability to sustain passion for just one person all of our lives?

The truth is that all marriages go through ups and downs. For many, the down times are quite low and can last a long time.

Once the infatuation stage is over and the negotiation phase begins, most couples realize that there are times when living with the same person year after year can be boring, and the lure of something new and different can be quite strong.

No one should be surprised when they find their mind wandering toward something new, something different, something that seems a little more exciting. All relationships go through this strain. What keeps the marriage together? In these down times, it’s not deep emotion or passion but commitment to one’s spouse.

As Michele Weiner-Davis describes it (in her book Divorce Busting),

Magic doesn’t last forever. Happily married couples say magic visits from time to time, but by no means is omnipresent. When speaking of their mates these couples talk more of mutual respect, companionship, [and] friendship.than they do of magic and quiver-up-the-spine.

One gets the impression that a good marriage is in many ways more like a good business partnership than the pairing of Mr. with Ms. Right. Failing to recognize the transience of magic in all relationships results in the gnawing feeling that something is wrong. Believing something is wrong with your marriage because intense feelings aren’t sustained may be what’s wrong with your marriage.

When people come for counseling about their marriage, they often say things like the following:

“We just don’t feel the same way about each other.”

“God wouldn’t want us to stay together if we don’t love each other.”

“I love my spouse, but I’m no longer in love.”

“If I am in love with my spouse, then how can I have these feelings for someone else?”

Do any of these comments sound familiar to you? How would you respond?

We usually let clients know up front that they are going through something most couples experience. Feelings flutter and fade, but marriage is built upon commitment.

“Yes,” they might say, “but aren’t these feelings telling me that I’ve made the wrong commitment?” People talk about being “in love” with someone else. Or perhaps they’re just interested in or turned on by another person. This is obviously distressing, and a serious concern for the marriage, but it is also quite common, even among Christian couples. A person may have passionate feelings toward someone other than his or her spouse. This does not mean, however, that true love has left the marriage or that marriage is bound to end.

An affair, whether imagined or indulged, will always be more exciting than the marriage. Why? Because it is something unknown, forbidden, and unexplored. This is probably what lies behind the intriguing biblical phrase “the lust of his eyes” (1 John 2:16). Remember that coveting made God’s top ten list of human errors.

One man told me how he had “set a fleece” before God. (This is a dubious form of testing God’s will that’s based on a story from the biblical judge Gideon). Here’s what this man’s test was: He proposed that he go away by himself for two weeks to think and pray about his wife and another woman that he was overwhelmingly attracted to.

He said, “I’ll see which woman I miss the most. That will determine which way I go.” He reasoned that God would direct him by giving him the greatest longing for the woman he really loved.

I told him not to bother. I could predict which woman would be most on his mind— the woman who had been his obsession for the past four months. But this would have nothing to do with love and everything to do with hormones, excitement, and lust.

Some partners feel that they have to compete with these obsessions. They assume that if they could just be a little sexier, a little nicer, or a little younger looking, they could win back their mates’ attention. The truth is that you cannot compete with an affair.

No matter how young or sexy you are or make yourself out to be, there will always be others who have more of what you are trying to gain. And ultimately it does not come down to youth or sexiness, just newness. We are often attracted to something —or someone —new.

Staying together is a matter of remembering the nature of the commitment you made to your spouse. I advised the wavering husband to stay with his wife and think on the commitment. I advised his wife to give up trying to compete but to confidently remind him of the choice he made ten years ago when he promised to be her husband. (There’s nothing wrong with trying to be nice or trying to make yourself look good, but that cannot be the focus of your efforts to win back your spouse.)

All marriages go through some form of temptation. Some people pursue money, career, other friendships, or even church work to fill the void of marriages that just don’t fulfill their expectations or needs. And many are tempted to enter extramarital romances.

The question is: What do you do with the temptation?

Do you seek it? Some do. There are those who get tired of their marriage and go out looking for trouble. They may not even intend to “go all the way” with an illicit relationship, but they’re dancing on the edge of infidelity. They want the excitement, the rush, the assurance that they’re still attractive to the opposite sex. Obviously, these people are playing with fire.

Do you entertain temptation? You’re not intending to have an affair, but there’s this beautiful woman at the office, there’s this nice man at school, there’s this good friend at church who seems perfect for you. You find yourself comparing your spouse to that person, imagining yourself with that person, entertaining thoughts of an affair that you’re not really planning to have.

Meanwhile, the friendship grows more intimate. There was a spark there, and you have fanned it. You worry about where this is headed, but you console yourself with the myth: This must be right because there is passion here I’ve never felt in my marriage. This, too, is playing with fire. Call it what it is, a good friendship that is taking a dangerous turn. Slam on the brakes before you crash.

Do you find strength to fight temptation? Temptation weakens us. It snakes its way inside our souls and convinces us that we have already lost —it’s useless to resist. The Tempter tries to make us feel guilty for being tempted and normal for giving in. That’s backwards. It’s normal to be tempted; the guilt comes when we succumb to it.

So, if you are being tempted by an extra-marital affair, join the club. You’re normal. You have not done anything wrong —yet. But be on your guard. Your extramarital passion is not a sign that your marriage is doomed or that it’s time to move on. It’s an indication that it’s time to move back, to renew your commitment to your marriage.

This article is edited from the book, The Marriage Mender, by Dr Thomas A. Whiteman and Dr Thomas G. Bartlett, published by Navpress. There’s a lot more that the authors have to say on this subject that you’ll need to explore for yourself upon reading the book. If you’re looking for a fresh start, this book will give you the solution-based tools you need to begin rebuilding your marriage. With illustrations and exercises, it will teach you how to look to the future of your relationship instead of focusing on the past with its problems. You’ll build emotional safety and then learn to communicate more effectively with your spouse, resolve conflict creatively, fight fairly, and much more.

Dr Thomas A. Whiteman and Dr Thomas G. Bartlett are licensed psychologists who both work with troubled couples and have conducted seminars on marriage and divorce recovery through Fresh Start Seminars.

These are all questions we receive from women we talk to and correspond with here at Marriage Missions. They’re all questions we struggle with ourselves to answer. But pastor and author Bill Hybels gives a little insight into this dilemma in his great workbook titled: Marriage … Building Real Intimacy.

Here’s what Pastor Hybels has to say on this particular subject:

The damaging process of shifting gears after the wedding day: Here is a detailed description of how this process can happen in some marriages:

The journey begins like this. A young man identifies the woman he wants to marry and begins the business of serious courtship. Time and money are no object, so he throws vast amounts of energy and creativity into the pursuit. He gives gifts, sends cards, writes poems, delivers flowers, plans romantic dinners in elegant restaurants, takes long walks on sandy beaches, enjoys leisurely drives on country roads, and loiters in front of glittering jewelry store windows. He is on a mission. He has a worthy goal. He is motivated. He lets nothing stand in the way of winning the woman of his dreams. She becomes his top priority, and he will not rest until she is his.

He is smitten and wants her to know it. He rearranges his busy schedule to spend every possible minute with her. He compliments her warmly. He sings her praises to friends and family. He talks about her constantly. And very slowly he begins to wear her down.

That’s right, wear her down. You see, she was a little suspicious at first. He was obviously in hot pursuit, but what exactly did that mean? What was he after? Did he want a cheap thrill or a lasting relationship? A female trophy or a wife he could treasure? She knows the dangers because she has been hurt before. So she wisely guards her heart and maintains her distance. She observes, waits, and analyzes. Can this guy be trusted? Or will he dash her dreams six months after the wedding? She has heard the horror stories, and doesn’t intend to provide the plot for another one.

Meanwhile, the diligent young man showers her with attention, affection, and appreciation. He calls her four times a day, fills her mailbox with declarations of love, and buys her sentimental gifts and exotic perfumes. The weekends are wall-to-wall recreation and romance: dinners, movies, plays, and parties. And now — the offer of a diamond ring.

Almost against her will, she feels loved. She feels safe and secure and treasured and prized and wanted. She begins to trust him. She begins to believe that it will last. In fact, she lets herself believe that it will keep getting better and better and that marriage will open the door to a future of unimagined joy.

Finally, the last bridge of doubt is crossed and she says, “Yes, yes, I will marry you. You have proved beyond a shadow of doubt that you love me. You have courted me, romanced me, made me feel special and important and treasured. You have convinced me that I am at the top of your priority list. You have won my heart. I will marry you!”

So the wedding date is set, the ceremony is carefully planned, and the honeymoon is arranged. It all comes off in storybook style. The newly married couple move into their cozy studio apartment and the young wife settles into the realities of everyday married life, reveling in the knowledge that she made a wise and wonderful choice for a lifetime partner.

And then it happens. Her husband does a terrible, horrible, awful, unthinkable, rotten, and reprehensible thing. Oh, he doesn’t realize he’s doing anything wrong. But he does it, nonetheless, and deeply wounds his sincere, trusting wife.

What does he do? He shifts gears. He readjusts his focus. He figures that now that he got the “marriage job” done, it’s time to move on to another objective. He faced one challenge and beat it; now it’s time to face another one. So without giving one thought to how this is going to affect his wife, he calmly rearranges his priorities, reapportions his energies, and launches out on his next mission, most likely in the marketplace.

There is no malice in his decision. In fact, he is probably not even aware that he’s making the shift. If questioned about his love for his wife, he would deny that it has faltered in the least. He loves her as much as he did the day he married her. He’s simply doing what he has been conditioned to do.

Most men don’t intend to hurt their wives. They do what they do without thinking. And, husbands aren’t the only ones who fall into this pattern. The unprecedented entrance of women into the marketplace has put wives at equal risk when it comes to refocusing their energies and neglecting romance. In many marriages nowadays, both spouses make the destructive shift.

A young couple we know were best friends all through high school, dated happily throughout college, and married with the total blessing of family and friends. But five years into marriage they sat across from one another on their living room floor, weeping over the lack of feeling in their marriage. They weren’t spiritually incompatible. They hadn’t lost respect for one another. They didn’t have serious temperament clashes or poor conflict resolution skills. They had simply poured themselves into their careers and neglected to treasure one another.

We recently attended a small conference with a number of couples in the fifty-to-sixty-year age range. We observed that many of the men were unusually attentive toward their wives. Because we were in the midst of working on this book, we asked them why. Almost without exception, the men said, “This is my second wife. During my first marriage I was too preoccupied with climbing the corporate ladder to pay attention to my wife. I hurt her deeply for many years, and finally she couldn’t take it anymore. Now I’m doing things differently. I may have forfeited my first wife, but I’m not going to foul things up again.”

While some people let their careers get in the way of romance, others get sidetracked by parenting. They get so caught up in child-rearing responsibilities that they forget they’re husbands and wives first, parents second. In attempting to give their best to their children, they fail to give them what they need most: a happily married mom and dad.

Marriage Missions Note: This particular book is actually a study workbook aimed for couples to go through together (preferably in a group setting, but it can also be done by the couple alone). The above article was featured in the “Notes for Leaders” section and is only part of the content of the entire chapter which is titled, “Whatever Happened to Romance?” But to wrap this section up, we want you to know that in the workbook section Pastor Hybels makes the following suggestions:

Take a few minutes to pray and reflect on the following questions:

• What were some of the things I did during our courtship and engagement that I stopped doing after we got married?

• What promises did I make to my spouse before we got married that I have failed to follow through on after we were married?

• If I have wronged my spouse in either of these ways, what can I do to make it right?

Take time as a couple to discuss the following:

• If you “shifted gears” after you got married and feel you might have hurt your spouse in the process take time to admit that you recognize your mistake and let your spouse know you are sorry.

• If you have not followed through on promises made to your spouse, what are you going to do to make this right and be a person of your word?

This excellent study guide will help you and your spouse to draw insight from one another and from the other couples in a group setting. It’s one of our very favorites! It’s a 6 week study designed to build the kind of close relationship you’ve always wanted. Whether you need to stabilize shaky foundations or just want to make a good marriage even better this study book will do that. It will help you to: Identify and get the most from you and your partner’s different personality traits using a brief, self-test. It will also help you to: Weed out common “romance busters” that drain the excitement from your marriage, resolve conflicts quicker using a simple 3-step peace process, and help prevent daily responsibilities from robbing you of real intimacy, and more.

The chapter titles include: Session 1: Learning from History; Session 2: How are you Wired? Session 3: Planning for Peace; Session 4: Whatever Happened to Romance? Session 5: Fanning the Flames of Marriage; Session 6: Living in Crisis Mode.

Launi expected to be married happily ever after. It didn’t happen.

Tammy, Jackie, Martin, and Len expected their partners to be faithful. They weren’t.

Bob and Dave expected their company revenues to increase 25 percent last year. Instead, they both filed for bankruptcy.

Karen and Phil expected their son to go to college in the fall. He died in a motorcycle accident this spring.

Darcy, Mira, Judy, and I expected to give birth to healthy babies. Yet each of us has a child with special needs.

Recently I came across a Scripture that spoke to me about suffering and expectations:

“Then [Jesus] told them what they could expect for themselves: ‘Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat-I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all’” (Luke 9:23-24, The Message).

As card-carrying members of the human race, we are to expect suffering. Expect heartache. Expect pain and disappointment. Expect the unexpected. Yet while all this is true, we can also expect that as we give God the lead, He will give us what we need to endure the wounds we experience. He will show us how to navigate the raging storms that sweep over the horizon of our lives.

When we are trying to heal from life’s painful blows, we need to be especially kind to ourselves by revising our expectations to better fit the reality of our current situation.

As Dr. Stephens stated, we must accept the truth: What is, is. To continue to hang on to expectations unsupported by facts will simply drive us deeper into a black hole of despair. If we want to heal and improve the quality of our life, we have to let go of unrealistic expectations.

Ever since our youngest was born with Down Syndrome, I have had to periodically take inventory of my expectations and make some adjustments.

I can’t expect Nathan to read a book out loud or write a book report as our other children did when they were in grade school. If I hang on to that expectation, I will perpetuate my pain and frustrate Nathan. But I can expect him to read. That is a tangible, reachable goal for him.

I can’t expect John and I will be empty-nesters in a few years, as we had previously thought. But I can expect that whatever comes will in some way be good, and that God will be with us.

I can’t expect God to shield my children from all adversity and heartache. I can’t expect their lives to be pain free. The absence of pain doesn’t exist this side of heaven. But I can expect God’s grace and kindness to be sufficient for their every situation. I can expect God to transform any harsh reality that assaults them into something that ultimately works for their highest good and His greatest glory.

I can’t expect myself to always be a wise, patient, and attentive woman. I want to be, of course, but many times I fall short. When I’m tired, I snap at my kids. When I find twenty-five messages waiting for me on my voice mail, I want to run away from everything. Although I try very hard, I’m not always who or what I want to be. But I can expect God to pour grace over my weaknesses as I offer them to Him, and to provide strength and time to restore.

In times of weakness I realize once again how profound and desperate is my need for God and His power to change me. That’s when I have to hold tightly to the expectation that He will finish the work He has started in me. That’s when I must stand on the promise that His power in me “is able to [carry out His purpose and] do super-abundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]“ (Ephesians 3:20, AMP).

Life doesn’t always dish out what we expect. But if we remain open to new possibilities, the road ahead can be an adventure. The scenery may not be what we would have chosen or anything like what we imagined, but it can be very, very good indeed. One way or another, God will get us to our final destination in heaven. And then, the fullness of His kindness will be unveiled, and every expectation we’ve ever had will fall absurdly short of reality.

Until that day arrives, please be kind to you.

The above article comes from the book, THE WOUNDED WOMAN - Hope and Healing for Those Who Hurt -By Dr Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt, published by Multnomah Publishers, www.multnomahbooks.com. There was a lot more that we wish we could include in this article on this subject, including learning how to “lean in and relax”, and other nurturing bits of wisdom so we encourage you to obtain this book wherever it is sold or through their web site.

This is a good book for women filled who are finding it difficult to cope with some of the tragedies that plague them. It offers you the pathway to regain your footing, restart your life, recover your energy, and reclaim your joy. Contained within its pages are real-life testimonies that will guide you toward recovery and inspire you to press forward in newfound strength —not in spite of your wounds but because of them.As Dr Stephens says, “We cannot change the past. What has occurred —with all of its hurt, injustice, cruelty, disappointment, and tragedy —has slipped into history, beyond our control. Even so, we can change how we view the painful realities that have touched our life and what we say to ourselves about those realities.”

The mission of this book is to help you move forward as you work through your pain, “reminding you that there is hope that you are not alone. God never promised to keep us from wounds, but He did promise to be with us and to help us heal.”

Excerpted from The Wounded Woman © 2006 by Dr. Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

The death of a child not only changes a parent forever, it also permanently alters a couple’s marriage. As individuals you must each deal with the awesome, confusing, and painful thoughts and hard and often agonizing and overwhelming feelings that come with a child’s death. As a couple you must deal with how each of you has changed.

In a sense, you each have become something of a stranger to yourself and each other. And in the process, your marriage cannot be what it was before. It is the marriage of two people who have shared a very heavy loss, of two people who have seen each other grieving, of two people who have gone through the relationship struggles couples experience when a child dies.

You become new people, with no sense of whether you can or should return to being your old selves. You are likely to be beginners at dealing with the kind of grief parents feel and beginners at coming to terms, as a couple, with whatever is going on in your as individuals and as a couple. For quite a while, grief is likely to sap you and your partner of energy to solve problems, to talk about things to think things through well, and to come to terms with what has happened. For weeks, months, or even years, you may feel that you are in some kind of holding pattern, just trying to do the bare minimum to get along.

Also, your child’s death makes you different from most people you know. Although several million American couples have lost a child, you may not know anyone whose experiences can be a resource to you. In fact, your friends, relatives, neighbors, coworkers, and the people in your religious congregation, may not be able or willing to help beyond the first outpouring of sympathy. Most will never have had a similar experience and most, even if they care for you deeply, will not be very comfortable with you.

Added to all this, grieving can make your couple relationship difficult. Being down so much, being needy and looking at everything in new ways after a child dies, it is easy for you and your spouse to see many negatives in each other and in your spouse to see many negatives in each other and in your marriage that may have been ignored or were not present in the past. So in additions to dealing with the loss of a child, you may have to deal with whether and how to change your marital relationship or even with the possible loss of your marriage.

Dealing wisely with your relationship will help head off or minimize difficulties. If you can work together on your relationship, you may have success at backing away from bickering, blaming, and hurt feelings. You may have success dealing with communication difficulties, disappointments, and other issues that can undermine your relationship. And you may be able to offer support, help, and understanding for each other.

Parenting together is a shared journey, and dealing with a child’s death is as well. In bereavement, the couple journey will be hard. But it does not have to end in disaster.

After a child’s death, most couples worry that it will be very hard to stay together, and even if they do they often worry about whether they will be able to have a good marital relationship.

If either of you is worried about your marital future, it may help a lot to say to each other that you have those worries and to resolve to stay together. Whether you talk about it immediately or later, it can be an important step toward a strong and lasting relationship. Many grieving parents remember clearly the talk they had with their partner in which they said something like, “It’s going to be hard for us, but I am committed to staying with you.”

Erica: One thing we talked about the morning we found David dead was we knew that people had problems with marriages after a child died. We made a decision that we were going to continue to be married and that we were going to have to work at it for the other two children. I didn’t want David to be ashamed of us. We had to do that for his memory too. I didn’t want him to be the cause of our marriage breaking up.

Elaine: I can remember laying there that night and thinking that if I could just go to sleep and sleep for a year I know things would be better then. And I can remember that night too, him and I laying there and just making a vow to each other that it would not tear us apart, because so many people, their family cannot survive. We held on tight and just decided that we can’t, we just can’t let this destroy us.

I think bereaved couples have the same reasons most couples have for staying together—their history together, the ways they are compatible, the emotional investments their relationship represents, the ways they depend on each other and feelings of affection. But I also believe many bereaved parents are motivated by an additional factor when they make the commitment to stay together. Their commitment is rooted in a sense that no one else knew the child as well or could understand as much what was lost when the child died.

Jane: People seemed to be understanding, but nobody knew Adam but [my husband] Rob. And my feeling was that nobody was gonna be able to understand the depth of our loss except this other person who had lived with him. Not that I was ever thinking of leaving or becoming friendly with anyone else, but I kept thinking, “There’s no one in this world that understands what we’ve been through except each other.” And I found that as a kind of binding thing, a commonality, that more than ever I felt we had something in common. Not just kids and a house and a marriage, but the fact that we really understand what we were missing.

With your marriage seeming to be in danger and with the two of you determined to stay together, there will come times when you may make resolutions together about ways when you may want to make resolutions together about ways to keep your relationship strong. One important thing many couples do is resolve to accept their differences and to accept that they cannot be there for one another all the time.

Brett: After our son died, we made a vow that we’d stick together and we would work together, and through the grief group we found out that we grieve differently. And we did. Then we realized that we couldn’t help each other at times. And people kept saying, “You have to be there for your wife or your kids.”

Joan: Sometimes it’s just better to be left alone. Let each other grieve how we need to.

You will find that you and your spouse will not grieve the same way. You differ in biology, personality, upbringing, current responsibilities, the relationship you had with the child, and life experiences. Even if those things didn’t guarantee that you and your partner will mourn in your own way, women and men differ in numerous ways that will show up in how you deal with your child’s death.

In some couples, one partner believes how and when the other grieves is wrong, or one partner’s grief make the other feel uncomfortable. If over a long period, you let such differences upset you or if your differences lead to conflict, they can be a wedge that pushes the two of you far apart.

Spouses have different paces into and through various parts of grieving. One partner might have stronger feelings or a certain feeling soon after the loss, while the other might feel those things later. To some parents, there seems to be a route to travel, and they talk about being farther or less far along than their partner.

There sometimes is a sense that being farther along is better, perhaps even moral. But I don’t think one pace is better than the other. Feelings of superiority or inferiority about the pace of grieving or the belief one partner’s pace is better than the other’s will make trouble you don’t need. There is no scientific basis for saying one pace in grieving is better than another.

One of you might move quickly into active talking, reading, thinking, and feeling to deal with the death, while the other might not. Again, accepting the difference is desirable.

One of you may try to be “strong” while the other is grieving intensely. “Strong” might mean doing necessary things around the house instead of focusing on grief or feeling that there was no point in doing things. “Strong” might mean not being swamped emotionally, or it might mean acting like things will be better. Lots of men feel the need to be strong for their partner, holding off their grief in order to be strong and supportive.

Differences in outward emotion lead to resentment in some couples. When one spouse feels down and the other seems up, each may resent the other. One might, for example, think “How can you dare to be so upbeat when our child is dead?” While the other might think, “When you are down like this you drag me down,” or “Get over it,” or “I am worried about you.” But such differences are to be expected and I think, accepted.

There can also be misunderstanding on both sides. The partner who controls emotions less can resent the other for seeming not to care about the child or acting superior. The partner who controls emotions more may not understand how much the one who is more emotional must be that way. Neither may grasp what they see in the other is normal and right.

In some couples there seems to be turn-taking in emotional control. When one partner is deep in grief, the other controls his or her emotions enough to do the basics and perhaps to say things meant to be soothing and supportive.

The one who wants more conversation might decide to wait it out, but might still feel angry that the partner will not talk. Also, just as the spouse who wants to talk finds the other’s silence frustrating and infuriating, the spouse who wants to talk less can be irritated by the other’s pressure to talk.

The main point is that you should expect and tolerate differences between you and your partner. Doing so is not likely to make the grieving process any easier, but it should help you and your spouse to maintain a stronger couple relationship as you deal with the death of your child.

Realize that there is no single path that couples who do well together follow. There is no formula, no sure series of steps that will guarantee a good outcome. Each couple starts at a different place, has different problems to deal with, has different resources available, and brings different histories (including different past experiences with death and other losses), different values, and different personalities to the situation. So each journey is unique.

Some couples have no serious problems after their child’s death. But other couples, even years later, struggle to build a comfortable, connecting relationship.

As bereaved parents, you travel with luggage from your past. Included in that luggage are your previous experiences, as individuals and as a couple, with death and grief. Such experiences can be a source of problems if, for example, your child’s death opens up new and difficult matters concerning a previous death.

And if you or your spouse have never dealt with a major death before, some things are likely to be harder. A first death can produce painful struggles not only with the death but with your own morality, God’s will, how and when to control emotions, whither to ask for help, what a funeral involves, how to deal with the legal and insurance matters, and many other issues. All this can make the pain and confusion of bereavement more challenging.

A child’s death can be so uniquely painful that there are real limits to how much experience can help. Even if you have dealt with the death of others who were very important in your life, you may never have dealt with feelings as deep and powerful or confusion as profound as you have experienced with your child’s death.

A couple’s history together also can make them vulnerable to problems following the death of their child. If you have lived together for years with intense anger at one another, chronically hurt feelings, communication problems that make almost every day of your relationship together very hard, and frequent doubts about your partnership, you lack a very solid foundation on which to work together after your child dies. I am not talking here about the ordinary squabbles, anger, and frustrations of married life, but about grinding day-after-day difficulties.

For some couples with a long history of relationship difficulties, the child’s death intensifies the problems. If they squabbled before, they argue more often and more bitterly afterward. If there was already considerable anger in the marriage, the child’s death intensifies those feelings.

Bill: She’s always felt some anger at me, but more so as a result of this. She said I just didn’t grieve enough or in the sense that she felt was appropriate. When we get in discussion with it, there were hostilities that would come out that we just couldn’t discuss to a point of any resolution to it. [He and his wife were divorcing.]

Sometimes a child’s death undermines a couple’s patterns of dealing with difficulty, particularly if the child was crucial in keeping the relationship going.

Al: The biggest reason I think people part after a death is that you have the problem finding a reason to go on, to keep going. If you’ve got the kid, you’ve got something in common. If he ain’t there any longer, you’ve lost that, the bond between the two of you, tying you together.

If you are a couple who relied on the child to link you, it certainly is possible to forge or discover new links or to find new ways to continue to have the child be a major link. But you also should understand that in being patient with the shared grief process, you need to be patient with the slow and unpredictable process of coming up with new or stronger ties.

For some couples, serious difficulties never arise in dealing with a child’s death. But for others, there are real struggles. If you are such a couple, you should know that many marriages survive those difficulties —even those that had problems before a child’s death. People learn and change. You can find resources in yourselves and outside that transform you and your marital relationship. Together you can make your marriage work.

This article was edited from the book Help Your Marriage Survive the Death of a Child, by Paul Rosenblatt. It was based on intensive interviews of 29 couples who experienced the death of a child, and offers perspectives and advice on common marital problems experienced by bereaved parents. Although the book deals with pain and marital distress, it offers a message of hope. Grieving parents can and do get through the hard times, based on respect for differences, mutual understanding, and shared history. Published by Temple University Press.

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