“Do you dare release the person you are today from the shadow of the wrong you did yesterday? Do you dare forgive yourself?

“To forgive yourself takes high courage. Who are you, after all, to shake yourself free from the undeniable sins of your private history —as if what you once did has no bearing on who you are now?

“Where do you get the right —let alone the cheek —to forgive yourself when other people would want you to crawl in shame if they really knew? How dare you?” (Lewis B Smedes, from the book “Forgive and Forget”)

Have you felt this way? Sometimes we can accept God’s forgiveness (and even that is hard to understand), but we have a difficult time forgiving ourselves! We play different scenes from our past over and over again in our minds that we wish we were never involved in, and could erase forever from our memories.

If only life were constructed so that we could hit a “delete” button and make certain events go away! But unfortunately, that’s not the real world in which we live.

Just like any act of giving or accepting forgiveness —even forgiving ourselves, it seems that it involves a journey to get to the place where you are free from its imprisonment. Some journey’s are shorter than others and some take a lot of years, and tears, and involve a lot of work, soul-searching, reading, praying, and intentionality to get through and beyond the search.

But for any one of us who has reached that place of peace, we can tell you that it is worth the journey to get to the other side of the restlessness that unforgiveness can dump upon your very being. It can poison your soul and who you become in the future. That may be one of the reasons why God tells us throughout the Bible to forgive.

A few examples from God’s Word are:

• “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15).

• “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

• “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

God also tells us throughout the Bible to admit and confess our sins —the wrongs and iniquities that we have done, and God will forgive us. A few examples are:

• “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9)

• “I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I confess my transgressions to the LORD’ —and you forgave the guilt of my sin” (Psalm 32:5).

• “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

So the question comes to mind that if God has forgiven you, what could be holding you back from extending yourself the gift God has willingly handed to you? A man named Bruce wrote the following concerning that question:

“I heard this advice offered once for someone with that problem: Do you think that you have a higher standard than God? If he has forgiven you and sees you as perfect through the blood of Jesus who are we to say that we are not? If we don’t forgive ourselves, then we are saying we have higher standard than God!”

Are you setting your standards higher than God? It may be a mystery to you as to why God could forgive you after all the wrong you have done. But the Bible says that if you sincerely confess and are sorry, God grants you forgiveness. It is a gift of mercy, and accepting it is an act of obedience and faith. It also gives God the opportunity to display His love in and through you.

“To forgive yourself is to act out the mystery of one person who is both forgiver and forgiven. You judge yourself: this is the division within you. You forgive yourself: this is the healing of the split.

“That you should dare to heal yourself by this simple act is a signal to the world that God’s love is a power within you” (Lewis B Smedes, from the book “Forgive and Forget”).

You can take a lesson from the Apostle Paul (previously named Saul) who zealously persecuted the church and was partly responsible for the death of at least one person, Stephen. (See Acts 7:54-60.) And yet after he came to faith in Christ, he said, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14).

He came to the place in his life where he didn’t dwell on what he did wrong in his past. If he had, he may have been stuck in his life and wouldn’t have had the freedom to do what God wanted to do through someone who was forgiven.

“Paul learned to [release] his own sins after he had confessed them and made things right. We need to learn the same lesson of forgiveness today. All of us encounter potentially devastating experiences. How we respond to these situations determines our own well-being and the well-being of others.

“Forgive and be forgiven. …Keep short accounts with God and men. Don’t lock bitterness and guilt within the closet of your soul. Allow the Holy Spirit to shine His divine spotlight in your heart. Let Him clean out every closet in your soul. Then claim Gods wonderful promise, ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness‘” (1 John 1:9). (From the web site article “Forgive and Forget” written by Luis Palau posted on Crosswalk.com)

The Apostle Paul was able to eventually write,

“I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance; Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners —of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen” (1 Timothy 1:12-17).

The commentary for the “Life Application Bible” says the following about this statement:

“People can feel so guilt-ridden by their past that they think God could never forgive and accept them. But consider Paul’s past. He had scoffed at the teachings of Jesus (“a blasphemer”) and hunted down and murdered God’s people (“a persecutor and violent man”) before coming to faith in Christ (Acts 9:1-9). God forgave Paul and used Paul mightily for his kingdom. No matter how shameful your past. God also can forgive and use you.”

And He will, as you yield to Him. God can make good come out of the bad you hand to Him. Despite your past failures, you are to “press on” in doing that which God wants to do in and through your life. As Paul said, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead”, God will use your failures.

It’s not that you should totally forget the wrong you have done and the pain you have caused in the lives of others, but you aren’t to make it a point to dwell there. If you did forget, you might repeat your failures again in the future and that would make things even worse for all involved.

Accepting God’s forgiveness and forgiving yourself also does not mean that you shouldn’t make restitution, and reimburse or make good for loss or damage that you have caused. That would only be reasonable. But in releasing and forgiving yourself, you are putting your focus on how you can partner with God in helping others in the future —despite your past.

“When God forgives our sin and restores us to a relationship with him, we want to reach out to others who need this forgiveness and reconciliation. The more you have felt God’s forgiveness, the more you will desire to tell others about it” (New Life Application Bible commentary concerning Psalm 51:13).

As King David, who committed adultery and murder cried out to God, we can also pray:

“Search me O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).

The New Life Bible commentary says the following concerning the Psalm of David (Psalm 51) in which he cries out to God over the wrong he had committed:

“David was truly sorry for his adultery with Bathsheba and for murdering her husband to cover it up. He knew that his actions had hurt many people. But because David repented of those sins, God mercifully forgave him. No sin is too great to be forgiven!

“Do you feel that you could never come close to God because you have done something terrible? God can and will forgive you of any sin. While God forgives us, however, he does not always erase the natural consequences of our sin — David’s life and family were never the same as a result of what he had done (see 2 Samuel 12:1-23).”

And even though David’s life and family and Paul’s life and future years were never the same as a result of what they had done, so will your life and the lives of those around you be forever different. But prayerfully with the help and anointing of the Lord, you will be able to bring some good out of the hurt.

It may be a long journey that you will travel to get there, but it will be worth it if you can participate with God in working good out of bad.

To help you further on this road, please click onto the web site links provided below to read:

• SELF-FORGIVENESS …IS IT EVEN REAL?

• HOW TO FORGIVE YOURSELF

• FORGIVING YOURSELF – A BELIEF SYSTEM

And if you are still having a difficult time forgiving yourself, after all you have prayed about and read, it may be helpful for you to read an additional article we have posted on this web site. It’s important for everyone of us who are sinners (which includes every human being) to recognize that the enemy of our faith works overtime to make us feel condemned and stuck in hopelessness. If we remain in that condition we won’t get to the place where we experience being drawn towards God. Instead, we will run away from Him shamed and alone (which is not God’s will).

Rather than condemning us in hopelessness, the Holy Spirit convicts us to draw us towards God, where we confess to Him what we have done wrong to restore fellowship, repent and change our behavior in the present and the future, and reach out beyond our past sin to become “all Christ saved us for and wants us to be.” It is a story of redemption —which is what God is all about.

Condemnation and conviction are two different experiences. To read further, please click onto the link below to read:

• DISCERNING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
THE CONVICTION OF THE HOLY SPIRIT
AND THE CONDEMNATION OF THE ENEMY OF OUR FAITH

Upon all you have learned from these articles, and the ways in which God has spoken to your heart, both now and in the future, you may also want to pray through the following Psalm of David, which he composed when the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba and had her husband killed. May it bring healing and help to your heart as you pray for and confess everything to your Heavenly Father, that comes to mind while you read:

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

“For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

“Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts, you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

“Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

“Create in my a pure heart, O God. and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

“Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Psalm 51:1-17).

If you have additional questions concerning God’s forgiveness please click onto the link provided below to choose to read more, or talk to someone who could address your questions, or email someone who could converse with you in that way. We pray the Lord will minister to your heart and your situation in a very personal and life-changing way.

• NEEDHIM.ORG

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

Not forgiving evaporates your joy. When you don’t forgive, it brings up a barrier to the joy God has for you. No one is ever truly happy if they have unforgiveness in their heart.

Not forgiving weakens your body. It eats away at you and eventually takes over and destroys your life from the inside. It makes you physically sick as well as spiritually crippled. When you forgive you release it into God’s hand and healing comes for your body as well as your soul.

Not forgiving opens the door for the enemy to work in your life. We have to forgive “lest Satan should take advantage of us” (2 Corinthians 2:11). We invite the enemy in if we harbor unforgiveness. And when you treat your spouse as if he (she) is the enemy —or your spouse acts as if you are —you align yourselves with your true enemy and his plans for your future.

Not forgiving pollutes your soul. The Bible says, “Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening?” (James 3:11). If you have unforgiveness, the water in your soul will become bitter.

Seven More Things to Remember About Not Forgiving

1. Not forgiving will torture you. “‘Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you? And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses” (Matthew 18:33-35).

2. Not forgiving causes you to entertain thoughts of revenge. “Do not say, ‘I will do to him just as he has done to me; I will render to the man according to his work’” (Proverbs 24:29).

3. Not forgiving means you won’t be forgiven by God. “But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:15).

4. Not forgiving delays the answers to your prayers. “Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25).

5. Not forgiving means you see the failures of others, but not your own. “Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye?” (Matthew 7:3-5).

6. Not forgiving means you are walking in darkness. “He who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes” (1 John 2:11).

7. Not forgiving means you are not pursuing what is best for your marriage. “See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all” (1 Thessalonians 5:15).

…I know that the last thing you may feel like doing is praying for your spouse if he (she) has hurt you, but that is what God wants you to do. In the process He will heal your pain because He is the God who “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).

God will help you forgive so completely that you really don’t think about those hurtful things anymore. As you pray, God will give you His heart of love. You always grow to love the person you pray for. Try it; you’ll see. God wants you to live “not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9).

God isn’t calling you to forgive so He can rub your nose in what offended or hurt you. He is asking you to forgive because when you do, you will inherit all that he has for you.

The above article comes from the excellent book, Praying through the Deeper Issues of Marriage by Stormie Omartian, published by Harvest House Publishers. There is a lot more to the above article that comes from the chapter on “If Forgiveness Doesn’t Come Easy” that you may find helpful in reading.

In addition, you will find that there are other helpful chapters you can read on anger, rudeness, abuse, communication break downs, depression, negative emotions, having children dominate your marriage, addictions and other destructive behaviors, outside influences on your sexual relationship, hardness of heart, distance in your relationship, the “D” word, infidelity, if one decides to leave home, lost hope, and more. Each chapter also has Scripture Truths to Stand on as well as Prayers for Protection on those particular subjects and Prayer Breakthroughs for you and also for your spouse. This is an excellent book that we highly recommend! See or purchase this book now.

Forgiveness is not easy. When I extend forgiveness, I’m agreeing to live with the consequences of another’s poor choice —and I must also give up my right to punish. The other extreme is enabling, protecting a person from the natural consequences of his or her choices, stalling that person’s growth.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what the other person did was okay, nor is it letting that person off the hook. It must be understood that the person’s value doesn’t change because of poor choice.

Forgiveness, too, is a choice not a feeling. If, for example, I wait until my feelings soften toward an offender, it would take me forever to forgive him or her. Once I decide to forgive, however, the feelings follow. If the offender continues in unhealthy behavior, my forgiving that person doesn’t have to mean that I must maintain a friendship with him or her, or stay in contact with that person. It does mean that if I walk away, I know I did all I could to help the offender learn, grow, and change. I’ve left behind a glimmer of hope, but that person’s changing is all up to him or her.

Forget about the old saying, “Forgive and forget.” If we could forget, we wouldn’t need to forgive. Rather, when our injuries are great, we need to process through layers of forgiveness. I agreed in the beginning to enter into the forgiveness process with my husband. I made progress through the first layer, so when a new layer appeared, I could process through it separately without feeling like I hadn’t really forgiven him at all.

It would have been too simplistic to say, “I forgive my husband for all his poor choices.” I needed time to process through all the consequences I was agreeing to live with. The first layer was forgiving him for the pain of the overall betrayal, but additional layers were uncovered that had to be sifted through. Emotional, spiritual, financial, and family issues are just a few of those layers. It took time for me to realize how many layers there were and how each area had been affected.

Many months after the final discovery of Dave’s full activities, I felt as if we’d sifted through most of the layers of forgiveness. The the topic of money came up on an unrelated issue. Resentment crashed down on me like a giant redwood. It hit me hard that, for all those years, we’d been pinching pennies while my husband was spending money on his addiction. I had to step back and process where the strong emotion was coming from. I realized this was a layer I hadn’t yet dealt with. I had to work through forgiveness again before we could move forward.

My husband knows I’m committed to forgiveness when he sees me process through every stage without condemnation. I’m honest about the pain a particular layer causes me, because it’s a consequence of his poor choices. I don’t throw it in his face or use it as a weapon since I want to rebuild the relationship, not tear it down. At first I went too far the other way, trying to hide the pain because I didn’t want to push him back into his addiction. Then I realized this was unhealthy for both of us. He needed to know how I was feeling, when he handled it without being defensive, we both moved forward in rebuilding trust.

It’s important to recognize that forgiveness is not the same as trust, though they’re closely tied and are simultaneous processes. Trust takes longer to rebuild. So many husbands want their wives to “get over it” and are frustrated by their wives’ lack of trust. These husband feel that they have to account for everything they do or say.

Accountability is essential to rebuilding trust and is a consequence of poor choices. Never feel pressure to trust before you’re ready —but always believe his behaviors. An innocent man should have no qualms about submitting to accountability or scrutiny, especially if he desires to regain trust.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you become his warden, either. His primary accountability should be to another man, or group of men, whom your husband is in contact with on a regular basis. A husband’s submitting to a counselor, pastor, or men’s group who will ask the hard questions is evidence of growth. A man committed to healing should grow spiritually from Bible study, reading, and prayer. Where appropriate, computer monitoring, filtering, and financial controls should be in place. The amount of resistance a husband puts up to accountability says a lot about how serious he is in his desire to heal. Remember —believe his behaviors.

The book also has sections after each chapter that can also be quite helpful. One of them is called “Path Lights” which contains related scriptures and quotes. And the other is called “Journaling” which poses questions and thoughts to help women to process through this difficult journey through journaling — which is essentially what marriage counselors help you to do verbally. So it’s like therapy of another kind. We can’t recommend this book highly enough. We can see where it would be extremely beneficial to any woman who has been betrayed by her husband’s unfaithfulness — whether emotionally or physically! Review or Buy This Book Now

These are tough questions. Most marriages deal with this problem at some point. It’s relatively easy to restore a relationship when both partners are willing—one willing to seek forgiveness and the other willing to forgive. But when the wronged partner is unforgiving, what can the guilty partner do?

First remember the closed hand. The unforgiving partner has probably closed his or her spirit to you, and you need to find ways of reopening it. You can’t do that by yelling, warning, shaming, or threatening. “You call yourself a Christian? You have to forgive me or I’ll tell everyone at church what you’re really like!”

Will that help to open anyone’s spirit? Of course not. The fist will just tighten further.

You do not want to go on the offensive in this situation. Remember your position. You have done wrong. You have caused pain. You are now asking a favor. Even if you are both Christians, forgiveness cannot be demanded. Your partner does not owe it to you. You are asking your partner to take a chance on you, a chance to be hurt again. Your partner has every right to have a closed spirit. Now, is there any way to coax it open?

The first attempt is the apology, which you have already offered. Was it sincere? Did you recognize the full extent of your misdeeds? Was it unconditional?

Let’s go to the example of Wilma. Let’s say her apology went something like this: “I’m sorry I threw away your stuff, but you really needed to get rid of it anyway.”

That’s what we call a conditional apology. These usually contain a yeah-but clause in them. If there was any excuse or but in your apology, then go back and apologize more sincerely.

Or you may have used blame shifting in your apology. Kids are especially good at this technique: “I know you told me not to go in the water, but Joey pushed me.” (That’s one I used as a kid.) Even adults use this technique at times: “I know I said I’d be home by 6:00, but my boss wanted me to..”

While Joey or the boss may have affected your behavior, you still need to take full responsibility for the wrong you committed. “My boss asked me to stay and finish payroll, but I know you told me that you had a doctor’s appointment at 6:00, so I should have called or gotten someone else to fill in for me. I was wrong to come home late today. I know that it really messed up your day, and you have good reason for being angry with me. I hope that you will be able to forgive me.” Conditions, excuses, and blame shifting are manipulative. They erode trust rather than restore it.

But what if this has all happened before? You are late for the umpteenth time. If it’s not your boss, it’s the train or the traffic or the terrorist incident that happened on your way home. You have become adept at apologizing with so much practice.

Do you wonder why you’re not being forgiven? Apologies can lose their effect, after about the tenth or twentieth time. Your partner may be withholding forgiveness because he or she does not trust what you’re saying. That’s why our apologies need to be followed by an attitude or behavioral change. In religious terms, you might call this repentance. You stop the offensive behavior, confess it, and then turn the other way.

This step—repentance—may require some time to demonstrate that you really have changed, such as when Art had to prove to Sylvia that he really could be trusted again. Will your partner’s spirit reopen to you? Maybe. Your only remaining tools are prayer, patience and persistence.

• Prayer—Pray that God will open your partner’s spirit, and that He will give you the strength and wisdom to know how to respond.
• Patience —When you’re trying to mend fences and your partner is stonewalling, the natural, human reaction is to get mad and resentful. You need patience to continue being nice when you’re getting little or no reinforcement.
• Persistence —Don’t continue to apologize, as long as you have done so sincerely. But you do need to persist in your attempts to demonstrate love, concern, and the desire to improve the relationship. This can be done by reassuring hugs, persistent nonsexual touch, and affirming words of encouragement—even if your partner is not as receptive as you’d like.

What if Sylvia didn’t accept Art’s apology after he had been unfaithful to her but felt sorrowful afterwards? What if she was cold and closed to him for several months? What could Art do to help her forgive him?

First, he could pray that God would open her spirit. If Sylvia was willing, they could even pray together.

Then Art would need to show patience, treating her gently and lovingly. He would need to make behavioral changes in order to rebuild trust. But he would also need to make spirit-opening gestures as well. He wouldn’t want to do this in a manipulative way: “Oh, I’ll buy her some flowers and gifts and she’ll get over it eventually.”

Instead he might discuss how he knows that he’s hurt her deeply but that he’s committed to rebuilding the relationship. He might even ask her to give him hand signals from day to day, showing how open or closed her spirit is toward him-a closed fist, a partially open fist, and then a hand which is steadily opening.

In a solution-based model, we would ask, “How did Art win Sylvia’s trust during the very beginning of their relationship?” While they were dating, Art paid close attention to her needs, listened to her ideas and concerns, and sent her little cards and notes. They went on special dates, held hands, and exchanged reassuring hugs and kisses. Now Art needs to do all those things that he did to win her over in the beginning.

This article is edited from the book, The Marriage Mender, by Dr Thomas A. Whiteman and Dr Thomas G. Bartlett, published by Navpress. If you’re looking for a fresh start, this book will give you the solution-based tools you need to begin rebuilding your marriage. With illustrations and exercises, it will teach you how to look to the future of your relationship instead of focusing on the past with its problems. You’ll build emotional safety and then learn to communicate more effectively with your spouse, resolve conflict creatively, fight fairly, and much more.

Dr Thomas A. Whiteman is a licensed psychologist who practices with Life Counseling Services in Paoli, Pennsylvania. Dr Thomas G. Bartlett is also a licensed psychologist who practices with Behavioral Healthcare Consultants in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. They both work with troubled couples and have conducted seminars on marriage and divorce recovery through Fresh Start Seminars.

Doing Fresh Start divorce recovery seminars around the country, I run into this question all the time. People are dealing with hurts that go well beyond their human ability to forgive. “Why should I forgive him?” I’ll hear. “He’ll just think that what he did was okay. Maybe if I don’t forgive him, it’ll teach him a lesson.”

Certainly God wants us to forgive and be reconciled, even when the wounds are deep. But there are some legitimate parameters regarding how we do this.

A woman stalked up to me angrily after I had spoken about forgiveness at a seminar for separated and divorced people. “You Christians are all alike,” she ranted. “You judge me and tell me what I should do, but you don’t have to live in my shoes!”

“Back up,” I begged. “What do you think you heard me say?”

“You told me that I needed to forgive my husband and be reconciled. But he was abusive to me for years. I took the abuse far too long because my pastor told me I should submit. Then when I saw him begin to abuse my children as well, I gathered the courage to leave him for good. Now you tell me I have to forgive him as if it never happened.”

I thanked this woman for coming to me immediately and not walking away with a misconception; I needed to clarify some things. When wrongdoing is chronic, reconciliation is difficult and perhaps inadvisable.

We can forgive within our spirits, but the full restoration of a relationship requires the commitment of both parties. Forgiveness means that we don’t harbor ill will toward the person who wronged us, but it does not mean that the wrong was right.

Here’s a trivial but helpful example. I have a friend who is always late. Before I knew this about him, I offered to carpool with him to church on Sunday mornings. The first time he was to pick me up, he arrived about a half hour late, making us a half hour late to church. Well, I’m one of those people who really wants to be on time, or even early, so I let my friend know how I felt. He apologized and offered to make it up to me by driving next week, promising to be early.

As you might guess, he was a half hour late again but apologized profusely, promising that he’d never let it happen again. He even offered to come an hour early the next week and treat me to breakfast at a diner on the way to church. Not only did we miss breakfast the next week, but we were late to church again.

Do I need to forgive my friend for being late? Yes. I need to accept his sincere apology. I should not let his chronic tardiness destroy our friendship. He feels terrible about this, and I should release him from his debt to me. Yes, he made me late to church a few times, but that cannot be undone. I choose not to hold a grudge against him, which would only wreck a relationship and poison my spirit.

But will I let him pick me up for church next week? No, thank you. I’ll drive myself to church. So it is in marriage, when there is chronic abuse, lying, or affairs. Wronged partners need to get to a point of forgiving their spouses, but they should also take steps to get out of the position where they can be hurt deeply again.

As a Christian, I believe wholeheartedly in the sacredness of the marriage commitment. But I also believe that there are times when an abused partner must separate himself or herself for protection and perspective. It’s a simple issue of safety.

If a wife is being physically abused by her husband, she should move out —and then work toward reconciliation through counseling. I recommend that an abused spouse not return until there is strong evidence of behavioral changes in the abusive spouse.

If your spouse repeatedly has affairs, it is not your Christian duty to ignore the problem, to “forgive and forget.” Your errant spouse is violating the marriage commitment, and you need to stand up for those promises you both made. If your partner is truly repentant, you need to work through the forgiveness process together, demanding an end to the infidelity.

How can you tell if your spouse is truly repentant? You need more than an apology (although it starts there). Your spouse should take strong steps away from the misbehavior and toward the marriage —cutting off ties with the other person, staying out of tempting situations, agreeing to counseling, committing time and energy to you. If your spouse is not wiling to offer these fruits of repentance, you should question his or her sincerity and take steps to protect yourself from future infidelities.

If your partner continues to break your marriage vows, you may need to attend to your own safety by putting some distance in the relationship —if not moving out, maybe moving to a different bedroom (especially with the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases). You’re still committed to the marriage, but your spouse is flouting that commitment. You’re saying, in essence, “Meet me here at the altar of our sacred marriage vows. But if you have no interest in that, I need to look out for my own well-being.”

In cases of chronic lying, you may not have grounds to leave the person, but you want to make sure you protect yourself from hurt. You simply cannot trust your spouse’s word, so you’ll need to rely on others for reality checks. Don’t feel guilty for double-checking and verifying the stories of your lying partner.

If he or she says, “Would I lie to you?” your appropriate response is, “Yes, you have done so on many occasions, and I can’t afford to trust your word anymore.” It is hard to maintain a relationship without trust, so you will almost certainly need counseling to restore a healthy relationship.

There are many chronic behaviors that are less damaging, but still annoying. Your spouse may be late or disorganized or forgetful or rude. Good communication is crucial in dealing with such issues. You must let your spouse know how much the offensive behavior hurts you. While you do not expect perfection, you do expect effort, and you hope for improvement.

One problem with a lot of chronic behavior in marriage is that both partners get used to it. The offending spouse gets tired of asking for forgiveness and the offended spouse gets tired of raising the issue. So the behavior continues, and grudges grow. Steady communication keeps the issue on the surface, where it can be dealt with.

Another problem is that the apology-and-forgiveness process can be watered down. When the problem is chronic, the words “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” are repeated so often that they can be misunderstood.

“I’m sorry” can begin to mean “I’m sorry that you’re upset about this (but hey, that’s just the way I am).”

It should mean “I was wrong; I’ll do everything possible not to do it again.”

“I forgive you” can be understood as “It’s all right; no problem; no damage done.”

It should mean “Yes, you hurt me, but I will not let that action poison our relationship.”

Whether the offense is as major as an extramarital affair or as minor as leaving the cap off the toothpaste, the full process of forgiveness requires repentance rather than excuse.

THE UNREPENTANT PARTNER
What if your spouse never asks for forgiveness?

There are reasons that he or she may not ask for forgiveness. The most obvious is that your spouse doesn’t think he or she did anything wrong. You can debate the facts of the case forever, but at some point you may need to make a unilateral decision to forgive. Just let it go. You let go of it even though your partner doesn’t admit there was an offense.

Let’s examine the incident between Wilma and Fred. Let’s say that Wilma knows that she did not throw away Fred’s memorabilia. She suspects that Fred threw it away carelessly years ago, but that he just wants someone else to blame.

Fred believes wholeheartedly that Wilma threw away his stuff and that now she’s lying about it. Neither one can apologize—both genuinely believe they’re innocent. In a case like this, if there is an apology, it’s probably an appeasement: “If I did something wrong, I’m sorry.” You’re just saying the debate is not worth wrecking the relationship.

That’s a noble decision sometimes, but if you find these impasses are happening regularly, it can become frustrating, even maddening. (And watch out for the passive-aggressive response, offering a quick apology but determining to get even later.)

The solution approach is helpful in a case like this. Rather than focusing on the past problem, look toward the future. Where do you want to go from here? From this perspective, it doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong. What will it take to live together peacefully? You can agree to disagree about the facts of the case —just agree to move on.

The two partners can employ the act-as-if method. They give each other the benefit of the doubt. Fred may still believe that Wilma threw away his stuff, but to keep peace he decides to act as if she didn’t. He releases his grudge, even though Wilma never agrees to having done wrong. There’s another reason a person might refuse to ask for forgiveness: He or she may be lying.

Let’s look at the case of Art and Sylvia. Let’s say that Sylvia knows that Art is having an affair, but when she confronts him about it, he angrily denies all wrongdoing. He might even accuse her of being paranoid or crazy. But the facts are clear—Sylvia has undeniable evidence that Art is having an affair, even though he’s not willing to take responsibility for it. In such a situation, how should Sylvia proceed with her forgiveness?

In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus spoke about trying to make things right with someone who has wronged you. If the initial confrontation with the person doesn’t result in repentance and reconciliation, Jesus said, “Take one or two others along.” This makes a lot of sense, even in a marital situation. You need perspective. With just the two of you, you could argue forever, your word against your spouse’s. But if you bring a counselor into the picture, or a church leader, or some mutually trusted friends, you can better establish the facts of the situation.

In counseling, we sometimes set up an intervention, where we call together significant friends and relatives to confront a person about a problem he or she has been denying. This is especially helpful if the person is dealing with some kind of addiction. In such cases, a certified addiction counselor would be the best one to lead the intervention. In cases of chronic affairs or lying, mature Christian friends or church leaders might be best.

Why do you need to get someone else in on your personal problems? Well, maybe you are being paranoid. If so, the third party can tell you so. If you have undeniable evidence, then the third party can confirm it, and your spouse will be forced to own up to his or her wrongdoing.

The purpose is not one-upmanship or humiliation, but agreement. If your relationship is going to be healthy again, you and your spouse need to agree on where you both stand. Often just the threat of airing your dirty laundry before others will force the errant spouse to admit the transgression.

What if your spouse refuses to see a counselor or some other third party? There may be legitimate concerns about who the third party is; if so, negotiate this as best you can. But if your spouse stubbornly refuses to see anyone, you should see a counselor or church leader on your own. This will give you much needed support and valuable advice on how to proceed.

What if your spouse sees the third party with you, but continues to claim innocence? Jesus said that if the errant person will not listen to the two or three witnesses, “tell it to the church” (Matthew 18:17). In their efforts to follow this teaching, some churches have public denouncements or messages in the church bulletin, but we should remember the goal of this whole process: love and restoration.

I believe the church can and should have a part in healing the marriages of its members. This can be done in a number of gentle ways, through there may be a point where an unrepentant philanderer may need to be reprimanded by the church or even removed from its membership. (The church should also provide special support for the wronged spouse.)

If the offending person refuses to listen to the church’s reprimand, Jesus said he should be treated as a nonbeliever. This does not mean that the person in no longer a Christian, but it does mean that we can no longer expect godly behavior from this person. We should still treat the person with the love and respect we would show to any unbeliever, but our relationship with this person changes. What’s more, this person’s marriage changes.

Let’s say Art continues to deny the affair he had. Sylvia and Art meet with their pastor and a few trusted church leaders, who look at the evidence and support Sylvia’s charges. They urge Art to repent, but he refuses. After all of this, according to Jesus’ teaching, Sylvia needs to treat Art as an unbeliever. This does not mean she has to divorce him, but there will be a new distance in the relationship. She needs to establish firm boundaries, protecting herself from further hurt from Art.

Can she still forgive Art? Yes, though it’s not easy. Her response is like the cry from the cross: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Sylvia can decide on her own to drop the issue-not to excuse it or shift the blame, but simply to say, “I will not let this pain and hate rule my life anymore.”

We have seen interventions work with many couples. We have seen them work for alcoholic marriages, for abusive and adulterous relationships, for spending and gambling problems, for husbands who refuse to work, and for wives who refuse to care for their children. Sometimes people do admit their wrongdoing and seek restoration. In those cases, forgiveness is easier. It’s never a cinch, but it’s easier when the person is seeking forgiveness.

The worst case of all is when a wrong is done and never acknowledged by either party. One suffers in pain, the other in guilt, but both suffer in silence. The bonds of matrimony soon fray as forgiveness is neither sought nor offered. That’s why we encourage solution-based approaches to mend the marriage relationship.

Forgiveness can set a person free. It can breathe new life into a tired marriage. But it’s hard work. Forgiveness is not a shrug of the shoulders—”Hey, no problem.” Yes, there is a problem! The forgiving person often has to be willing to wake the partner up, to figuratively “shake the offender by the shoulders” and say, “Hey, look! You hurt me. I am willing to let that go, but we’ve got to do something to fix this relationship. I want you to work with me. I need your help.”

This article is edited from the book, The Marriage Mender, by Dr Thomas A. Whiteman and Dr Thomas G. Bartlett, published by Navpress. If you’re looking for a fresh start, this book will give you the solution-based tools you need to begin rebuilding your marriage. With illustrations and exercises, it will teach you how to look to the future of your relationship instead of focusing on the past with its problems. You’ll build emotional safety and then learn to communicate more effectively with your spouse, resolve conflict creatively, fight fairly, and much more.

Dr Thomas A. Whiteman is a licensed psychologist who practices with Life Counseling Services in Paoli, Pennsylvania. Dr Thomas G. Bartlett is also a licensed psychologist who practices with Behavioral Healthcare Consultants in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. They both work with troubled couples and have conducted seminars on marriage and divorce recovery through Fresh Start Seminars.

FORGIVENESS IS NOT: dismissing the offender’s moral responsibility.
FORGIVENESS IS: dismissing the right to pay back and assuming the responsibility to love.

FORGIVENESS IS NOT: primarily a feeling.
FORGIVENESS IS: primarily a choice based on truth.

FORGIVENESS IS NOT: forgetting the offense.
FORGIVENESS IS: deciding not to use the offense in retributive ways.

FORGIVENESS IS NOT: a once-for-all event.
FORGIVENESS IS: a decision which often must be reaffirmed.

FORGIVENESS IS NOT: agreeing to trust an untrustworthy person.
FORGIVENESS IS: being willing (when appropriate) to allow the offender to rebuild responsible trust.

FORGIVENESS IS NOT: passively tolerating future abuse.
FORGIVENESS IS: exercising disciplinary measures with redemptive intent.

FORGIVENESS IS NOT: the same as reconciliation.
FORGIVENESS IS: being willing to work toward reconciliation.

MISCONCEPTION: Forgiveness Means Dismissing Moral Responsibility
Some people try to deal with their bitterness by resorting to a form of popular determinism. Our offenders committed hurtful acts, but they are not responsible because they themselves are the victims of other people and circumstances. If we can convince ourselves that our offenders couldn’t help what they did, we may not have to face the pain of the offense and the responsibility to forgive. In a word, this is a way of playing the ostrich—keeping our heads in the sand instead of dealing with the problems.

God’s Word agrees that our environment can influence us, but there is a crucial difference between influence and determinism. Christians have a basis for genuine empathy for even the most wicked criminals. Because of the Fall, all of us have an inner inclination toward evil that makes us susceptible to external temptation.

…Empathy and compassion must stop short of determinism. To decide that [people are] not responsible for their actions creates an endless sequence of victims. Such thinking reduces humans to robots, programmed by their environment and incapable of love as well as hatred.

Biblical forgiveness always insists on personal moral responsibility, but it transfers the right of retribution to the One to whom this rightfully belongs. When I forgive an offender, I do not decide he couldn’t help what he did to me. Rather, I decide that it is not my place to pay him back. God alone has this right because all sin is first of all an act of rebellion against him, and because he is the only competent moral Judge. In transferring this crime to a higher court, I am not overturning justice—I’m cooperating with God’s perfect justice.

MISCONCEPTION: Forgiveness is Primarily a Feeling
The Bible describes forgiveness primarily as a choice based on the truth, not as a feeling. God does not say “feel mercy”—he says “show mercy because I showed you mercy.” I can choose against my feelings to lay down my right to exact revenge, because this is the only consistent response for a sinner who has received God’s forgiveness. I can likewise choose against my feelings to serve my offender in love. True, God must empower me to do this, but he promises to do this as I turn to him in prayerful trust and obedience.

Most of the positive emotional changes associated with forgiveness are the result of this choice. If I wait to forgive my offender until I feel warm toward him, I will probably wait forever. In addition, the change in my feelings toward my offender may be gradual. This doesn’t necessarily mean I have not forgiven; it may mean only that my emotions haven’t caught up with my choice yet. Actions are a much more reliable indicator.

Am I turning away from negative thoughts that emerge in my mind? Am I refusing to follow through with the hurtful words and actions that sometimes suggest themselves? Am I choosing to pray for him and treat him with kindness?

MISCONCEPTION: Forgiveness is Forgetting the Offense
Many Christians say “forgive and forget.” If you’ve really forgiven someone, they say, you won’t ever think about how he sinned against you. If you do think about it, this is proof that you never really forgave him.

This view of forgiveness comes from a misinterpretation of Jeremiah 31:34, where God says, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” The point here isn’t that God erases our offenses from his awareness. God is omniscient—he knows and remembers everything. Furthermore, he disciplines Christians out of his loving concern for our good, and this discipline presupposes that he takes note of our sins. Rather, Jeremiah 31:34 means that God will never again remember our sins against us—he’ll never use them as a basis for condemning or rejecting us—because he has fully satisfied his righteous wrath against our sins through the death of Christ (1 John 2:2).

Biblical forgiveness means waiving the right to focus on past offenses as an excuse for hating the offender or plotting revenge. It also means choosing not to use these offenses against the person in the future through reminders, gossip, and other forms of retaliation. It may be necessary to speak about the offense at times, but the motivation for doing so will not be retribution.

What can you expect to experience concerning your memory of forgiven offenses? Because you have laid down the right to pay the person back, you will not recall and ruminate over the offense. Therefore, it will play a smaller and smaller role in your thought life.

This doesn’t mean, though, that memories of the offense will never emerge into your mind. Various events (conversations, dreams, and related memories) may trigger your memory, sometimes with alarming emotional intensity. When this happens, you shouldn’t focus on the fact that you remembered the offense or experienced negative emotions along with the memory.

Rather, you should focus on how you’ll respond to this memory. There’s no reason to beat yourself for having this memory—you didn’t have control over this. The best things to do is to confront this memory with two other memories—the memory of your forgiveness by God and the memory of your choice to forgive our offender. Then choose to move forward by setting your mind on something that is true and good.

MISCONCEPTION: Forgiveness Means Trusting an Untrustworthy Person
Many people are unwilling to forgive their offenders because they think forgiveness goes with trust— that this means you must trust him even though he may still be untrustworthy. Does forgiving a sexual offender mean that you entrust your young children to his care? Does forgiving a thieving church member mean that you allow him to handle collections? Does forgiving someone’s dishonesty mean that you believe everything he says?

Forgiveness and trust, though related, are nonetheless distinct. Forgiveness relates to a past offense. It chooses to accept the painful consequences and sets the offender free from our retribution. Forgiveness, therefore, is something we choose to grant freely, with no strings attached.

Trust, however, relates to the present. It is a measure of the confidence we have in a person’s reliability. Trust is earned. This is why we speak of people being “trustworthy”—they’ve proven themselves to be worthy of our trust in an area because of their reliable performance. Trusting an untrustworthy person is not spiritual; it is foolish (you may get burned), irresponsible (others may be injured), and unloving (you refuse to discipline the offender).

It is possible, then, to grant someone forgiveness while still insisting that he or she earn back your trust. Those who insist on being trusted just because they admitted their sins are especially suspicious, because they would probably not grant this request if they were in the other person’s shoes. After confessing that I had been lying to them for years, my parents forgave me—but they didn’t trust my word for a long time afterward.

My initial response was outrage. After all, I was sorry for my lying and I was now telling them the truth. Upon reflection, however, I realized that they could gauge my heart only by my actions, and my actions rightfully told them I was untrustworthy. Their mistrust was valid, and it taught me to place greater value on their trust.

Likewise, when people betray important responsibilities in ministry, we should forgive them freely. We would be irresponsible, however, to allow them to resume these responsibilities until they demonstrate repentance by establishing a proven record of reliability in this area.

Biblical forgiveness is different from trust, but it often involves the willingness to allow the offender to rebuild responsible trust. Forgiveness keeps its eyes open, but it desires to see restoration of this important part of the relationship. [PLEASE NOTE: At the end of this article we have web site links for you to be able to read a related article as well as one to view a video on this aspect of forgiveness.]

MISCONCEPTION: Forgiveness Means Passively Tolerating Future Injury
Some Christians view forgiveness as adopting a doormat posture toward an offender. The idea of pressing charges on a physically abusive spouse, for example, seems to some people incompatible with extending forgiveness. Since forgiveness means not paying people back, doesn’t this mean we shouldn’t make our offenders experience any negative consequences for their sins? Many people are quick to foster this view so they can go on preying on others, but such a view is a serious distortion of biblical forgiveness.

According to the Bible, forgiveness is an expression of love—and the love that extends forgiveness also disciplines. It’s willing to confront offenders, to allow them to experience the consequences of their sins, and even to devise consequences to influence their lives for good. Jesus chose to give himself to his captors because it was God’s will for him to die for our sins, but he never allowed people to run over him because they wanted to. He “felt a love” for the rich young ruler, and because of this he exposed his idolatrous love of money (Mark 10:21). He told the Laodiceans, “Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent” (Rev. 3:19).

The same Paul who says, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil … Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath … Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:19-22) goes on to inform Christians that civil government is “God’s servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer” (Romans 13:4). God forbids the vengeance-taking of bitterness, but he acknowledges that Christians may resort to the police to protect them from thieves. While some people use the civil authorities to take vengeance on their enemies, we can involve them out of love as an expression of discipline when other lesser disciplines have failed.

MISCONCEPTION: Forgiveness is the Same as Reconciliation

Reconciliation is the restoration of a relationship because both parties have resolved that which separated them. It is always bilateral. Both parties must be willing to reconcile a relationship. As many divorcees know by painful experience, one spouse who is willing to forgive and work on the marriage is not enough to ensure its success. Forgiveness, by contrast, is a decision to release an offender from my retribution. We can forgive others regardless of whether they ever repent or agree to work on their relationships with us.

Reconciliation is normally a goal of forgiveness, and forgiveness is a condition for reconciliation —but they are not the same thing. Paul makes this distinction in the way God deals with us. In 2 Corinthians 5:19, he says that through Christ’s death God has extended forgiveness to all people (“not counting their sins against them”)—even to those who are non-Christians.

He goes on, however, to appeal to those who have not yet received this forgiveness to “be reconciliation to God” (2 Corinthians 5:20). Because God has extended forgiveness, reconciliation is possible—but it does not occur unless we choose to receive his forgiveness and become reunited with him. If we choose to continue our rebellion against him and deny our need for his forgiveness, we remain separate from God and justly under his judgment.

What does it mean if you claim to have forgiven someone, yet have no desire to be reconciled with him? It depends. In a fallen world, relationships sometimes break beyond repair. Physical death, for example, can permanently prevent reconciliation. By God’s grace, though, we can forgive even these people and move forward in our walks as a result. If your reticence is due to this refusal to repent, your position may be justified. In this case, you may be saying that you refuse to act as though the issue is resolved when it isn’t. If, however, you’re unwilling to consider reconciliation of any sort regardless of his demonstrated repentance, you may have deceived yourself about having forgiven him.

CONCLUSION:
Has God convicted you of unresolved bitterness as you’ve read this? If so, please respond to his conviction by telling him you’re willing to forgive, no matter what this entails. As you adopt this posture before God, he will show you what specific steps you’ll need to take, and you will reap the benefit of a renewed vitality in your relationship with him. What good reason is there for delaying?

•  FORGIVENESS IS NOT THE SAME AS TRUST

•  FORGIVENESS VS RECONCILIATION VIDEO

Out of that discussion grew an intense desire to find out all we could about forgiveness. We figured if we struggled over the issues of forgiveness, others must as well.

We started with the basics: what does forgiveness mean?

We found that forgiveness has two faces. First, it means “to cancel a debt, to pardon or remit guilt.” That is what we had always thought it meant. But there is a second definition of forgiveness —to relinquish resentment against the debtor. This is harder to understand. We can cancel a debt, but how do we cancel a feeling?

Did you know the Bible does not define forgiveness? But it certainly gives us a model—God Himself. God cancels the debt and pardons those who confess and repent. 1 John 1:9 states this plainly,

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

2 Peter 3:9 says,

He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

Throughout Scripture it is clear that if we repent, God cancels our debt and pardons us; if we do not repent, He does not pardon. His righteousness demands repentance and cleansing before restoration. So God does not always forgive according to the first definition of forgiveness. He forgives only those who repent.

But what about the second definition—the part about relinquishing resentment? God always forgives in this way. He never holds resentment or bitterness against anyone, whether they repent or not. Some take Jesus’ words from the cross, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing (Luke 23:34), as a blanket kind of forgiveness for all people.

But the forgiveness the Father extended to those mocking and jeering beneath the cross could not have been pardon for their sin in crucifying Jesus, for later in Acts 3 they are still held accountable. YOU handed him over to be killed (verse 13). YOU disowned the Holy and Righteous One (verse 14).

As Jesus, suffering incredibly, looked down upon His tormentors, He refused to hold resentment against them. Can you picture the Father watching these same people crying out for His Son’s blood? Yet He held no bitterness toward them. Can you imagine that kind of forgiveness?

What do these two faces of forgiveness mean to us in our struggle to forgive?

To read the rest of this article (which we HIGHLY recommend) click onto the link below:

• THE FACES OF FORGIVENESS

-ALSO-

Another article that might help you in this journey was written by Gary Thomas. Please click onto the link below to read:

• GIVING UP THE GRUDGE

But what do you do when your spouse hurts you so deeply that you find a bitter root developing within, despite your every effort, and the fact that you know it can hurt more than it can help?

Someone once said, “Bitterness is an acid that hurts more the object in which it’s stored than the object on which it is poured.” You may not want to take it in, but you find yourself taking it in anyway.

The following are a few thoughts for you to consider:

• “When others (including our spouse) hurts us in ways we don’t deserve, at some point we will come to the crossroads of decision. We will have to look our pain square in the face and ask, ‘Am I going to hang on to my anger and do violence to myself, or am I going to forgive those who have wounded me? Am I going to allow bitterness to poison and putrefy my soul, or am I going to invite God to empower me to let the anger go?’” (Pam Vredevelt, from the book, The Wounded Woman)

• “The choices we make form the rudder that directs our marriage journey. Good choices keep us sailing smoothly in the right direction. Bad choices steer us toward the rocks. And every day in marriage, choices are made that keep couples headed where they want to go or lead them to places that they dread.” (Dr’s. Les and Leslie Parrott, from the book, “When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages)

• “Listen to these words: ‘We stand at the crossroads, each minute, each hour, each day, making choices. We choose the thoughts we allow ourselves to think, the passions we allow ourselves to feel, and the actions we allow ourselves to perform. Each choice is made in the context of whatever value system we’ve selected to govern our lives. In selecting that value system, we are, in a very real way, making the most important choice we will ever make.’ Benjamin Franklin said this, and his words have more wisdom for married couples than he probably ever knew.”

Keep in mind that:

“In order to thrive, bitterness averts its gaze from God’s grace and mercy, focusing instead on the multitude of ways He and people we’ve counted on have let us down.” (Roberta Rand Caponey from, “Overcoming Bitterness” posted on Troubledwith.com)

There probably isn’t any of us would want to choose to hold onto bitterness. But how do you make a different “choice?”

To help you with this, we would like to recommend several articles for you to read and then a prayer that you might look over to see if it expresses the prayer of your heart, and then a few scriptures you could also pray through.

Hopefully, these things, along with what you can read in the Bible, and other articles you can read on our web site, and most importantly, working through all of this with our Wonderful Counselor, the Holy Spirit, you can better release whatever bitterness you are struggling with.

You can read the articles by clicking onto the links we have provided for you below. And then arrow back to read the prayer and the scriptures afterward (and if you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below). We pray God will minister to your heart and to your situation.

Here are the links:

• HELP! I MARRIED A SINNER

• DON’T LET BITTERNESS POISON YOUR MARRIAGE

• FORGIVENESS

-ALSO-

There is a two part radio broadcast presentation on this subject featuring Jim Burns that you may find helpful. You can listen to it online by clicking into the following link:

• HEALING YOUR MARRIAGE WITH FORGIVENESS (Part 1)

• HEALING YOUR MARRIAGE WITH FORGIVENESS (Part 2)

The following is a prayer, written by Stormie Omartian, from her book, that you may want to pray and scriptures afterward that you may also want to pray through to the Lord our God:

“Help me not to hold myself apart from [my spouse] emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so. If there is something I’m not seeing that is adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication.

Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward [my spouse] because I feel it is justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”

“Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
(Psalm 139:23-24)

“Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.”
(Psalm 25:4-5)

The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down at night on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals. (Loren Fincher –More Stories from the Heart)

There’s a big difference between forgiving someone and restoring a relationship. Everyone should forgive for their own benefit regardless of the actions of the other person.

But forgiveness is not synonymous with restoration. Restoring the relationship will take the effort of both parties and is therefore not always possible. Sometimes one party is unwilling to do the work of restoration.

Within the context of forgiveness, there are two types. In the first, the offending party is truly sorry and asking for forgiveness, which makes forgiveness much easier. In the second situation the offending party is not sorry making it much more difficult, but it is still necessary to forgive them for your own benefit as to not allow that person to ruin your future as well as your past.

To continue reading this article,
we’ll take you to the article
which is posted on the terrific web site for Beyondaffairs.com.

To do so click onto the link below:

•  HOW DOES ONE FORGIVE AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR?

And then, how do you forgive the woman who had an affair with your spouse, split up the family, and eventually married your husband? It’s a tough situation —to say the least. Read of how one woman discovered freedom as she finally was able to release herself from the prison of unforgiveness. To read the article about her journey, please click onto the link below:

•  THE HEALING POWER OF FORGIVENESS

“Unless couples CREATE compatibility THROUGHOUT their marriage, the compatibility they had at the time of their wedding will be destroyed.” (Willard Harley).

Compatibility has to be continually worked on so it isn’t destroyed by the hassles that barge into our lives everyday. “The rigors of everyday life will take a toll on even the best of marriage relationships. Often the only way to handle the frustration of being hurt by the one you love is to master the process of forgiveness” (Bill and Pam Farrel).

On that note, we’d like to share an article written by Julie Baumgardner. It was part of a series of articles she wrote titled, “On Marriage” that was featured in the Chattanooga Free Press, April 14- Mary 12, 2002. (To read the entire series featured on the SmartMarriages Web site click here.) We’ll then share a few closing thoughts on the subject, along with the names of some helpful books that may assist those of you who need additional help in dealing with this aspect of marriage. This particular article is entitled: “Forgiveness in Marriage.”

“Every time Mark and I would fight we’d always say we were sorry,” said Mrs. Lori Kuebler. “Not that we really meant it. A lot of times I think we would say we forgive, but whatever happened was still in the back of our minds. According to relationship expert Michele Weiner-Davis, the Kueblers struggle to forgive is something many couples grapple with.

“I’ve worked with so many couples who say they want to heal their relationships, but struggle with being able to forgive each other,” said Ms. Weiner-Davis. “When they’re offered tools to help them get past hurtful incidents, they can’t seem to move forward. They refuse to let go of grudges or give up score keeping. They replay these grievances over and over. They’re so busy rehashing that they don’t take in the information about forgiveness because they’re so intent on being right. Their negative thoughts dominate their thinking.

No matter what they’re doing, the scoreboard’s never too far from the surface. This type of behavior’s extremely destructive to a marriage relationship. Lack of forgiveness casts a shadow over everything. When you view life through the lenses of unforgiveness, your life becomes in essence like a black and white photo instead of living color.”

The usual objections Mrs. Weiner-Davis hears about forgiveness are, “If I forgive it will send a message that I condone the behavior.” Or “I can’t trust forgive and forget.”

“When I talk with couples I emphasize the fact that forgiveness isn’t about condoning or forgetting,” said Mrs. Weiner-Davis.” What separates us from animals is the ability to think. I believe it’s very important that we don’t forget that. We can learn from mistakes. You’ll probably always remember the particular injustice/s that drove you into your corner. But what will happen is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the events begin to fade.”

If you struggle with unforgiveness in your marriage relationship Ms. Davis suggests you consider the following:

• Start out with some self-scrutiny —if you can honestly say that you’ve never made a mistake then hold on to the grudge. No one’s perfect. On the other end of things, some people who are very hard on themselves are hard on those around them. People need to be more loving and compassionate toward themselves and others.

• For some people, it’s necessary to hear “I’m sorry” from their spouse. If that’s what you need, say so and graciously accept the apology. If you have to ask for the apology that doesn’t mean the apology is second rate.

• Holding on to a grudges wastes precious time and energy. It’s exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It’s bad for your health and hard on your spirit.

“Life’s too short to stand around waiting for forgiveness to just happen,” said Ms. Weiner-Davis. “Decide to forgive and move on and you’ll create a ripple effect of exponential changes in your life.”

For the Kuebler’s, forgiveness has been the key to making their marriage work. “When we separated I was involved in a Bible study at my church called ‘Lord, Change Me’,” said Mrs. Kuebler. “That was when I finally realized I had to swallow my pride. Instead of looking at all of the things Mark needed to do to make our marriage better, I needed to focus on changing me. That was when I came to the conclusion that it was truly time to forgive and move on. If I change — then gradually things in our marriage will change.”

It’s like throwing a pebble into a pool of water-many ripples come out of it. As it tells us in the Bible, “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15). Here are some additional thoughts that may help you as you come upon the difficult challenge of learning how to continually forgive each other in marriage:

• “The plain truth is that it’s impossible for two human beings to live together for any length of time and not hurt each other. All too often life gets in the way of living. If the struggles of marriage were isolated to the minor irritations that come along with being imperfect, we would probably all have great marriages. But minor irritations can grow into major problems—and major infractions can break your heart.

Sometimes the mistreatment you’ve experienced from others in your past creates patterns in your own behavior that hinder your current relationship. If any of the following destructive forces have invaded your marriage, only forgiveness will open the door to healing.” (Bill and Pam Farrel, “Love, Honor, and Forgive. A Guide for Married Couples)

• “Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontentment. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time.” (The Message – Eugene Peterson – Hebrews 12:15)

• “When forgiveness is necessary, don’t wait too long. We must begin to forgive, because without forgiving, we choke off our own joy; we kill our own soul. People carrying hate and resentment can invest themselves so deeply in that resentment that they gradually define themselves in terms of it.” (Lewis B. Smedes, “Forgive and Forget. Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve”)

• If you don’t forgive your spouse, you become stuck in bitterness and don’t grow beyond it. It stunts your growth in other areas of your life. It also drains you of the energy you could invest in other areas of improving your marriage and your relationship with the Lord.

• “In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part.” (The Message — Eugene Peterson — Matthew 6:14)

• “Human emotions have often been divided into 3 basic areas: love, fear, and hostility. Love is a feeling that moves us toward a person, place or thing. Fear moves us away from something or someone. Hostility is a feeling against the person, place, or thing”. (Dr. Gary Chapman)

• “We should note that a one-time confession of bitterness may not alleviate all hostile feelings. If the bitterness has been there a long time, the feelings that accompany the bitter attitude may die slowly. What do you do when thoughts and feelings of anger return? Acknowledge those thoughts and feelings to God and affirm your commitment to forgive.

An appropriate prayer might be:

“Father, You know my thoughts and feelings, but I thank You that with Your help, I will no longer hold those things against my spouse. Now help me as I move out to be an agent of Your love.”

Forgiveness will need to be a daily discipline, and you must refuse to harbor resentment. As you practice forgiveness, the angry, bitter thoughts and feelings will occur less and less. Once freed from bitterness, we are challenged to “be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Be imitators of God” (Ephesians 4:32-5:1).

We must not stop with acknowledging our bitterness and accepting God’s forgiveness. We must also forgive our spouses for those things that originally brought anger to the surface. God is not only concerned that we be freed from anger, but that we be agents of love and kindness.” (Dr. Gary Chapman, “Hope for the Separated” – Moody Press)

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-14)

Sometimes it comes upon us quickly and we instinctively grab onto it and other times it seems to “sneak” up on us over time like a thief, gradually stealing away our peace and changing who we are before we even realize it’s happened.

Bitterness can seem to be a natural emotional tendency we can fall into when we’ve been severely hurt. But the Lord often tells us to go against our natural tendencies — especially in the case of holding onto bitterness —and to forgive them. It isn’t because God doesn’t understand why we would feel this way, and that He doesn’t feel compassion for us, but because He has a bigger plan involved — a plan we may never understand this side of heaven— something He’s asking us to trust Him with.

He also tells us to allow Him to deal with retribution instead of us. The Bible tells us in Romans 12:

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17-21)

It may be helpful to keep in mind that just because we don’t see God taking revenge according to the timing or the manner we think is appropriate, it doesn’t mean that it won’t be accomplished in some way in the future. It’s a faith-walk we’re traveling on this side of heaven, and there are times when we just have to trust God for what we don’t understand. As the Bible says in Proverbs 3:5-6,

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Yet it’s so very difficult to trust God and to forgive those who have hurt us. It’s all the more difficult when the person isn’t repentant. It requires monumental resolve to bring ourselves to the place where we release them from the wrath we want them to experience and to see for ourselves that they suffer. But again, when God tells us to do something, our reasoning’s don’t excuse us from following through with what He’s told us to do. He is God and we are not. As we’re told in Isaiah 55:9,

As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

It might be helpful to think of it in this way:

“Biblical forgiveness always insists on personal moral responsibility, but it transfers the right of retribution to the One to whom this rightfully belongs. When I forgive an offender, I do not decide he couldn’t help what he did to me. Rather, I decide that it is not my place to pay him back. God alone has this right because all sin is first of all an act of rebellion against him, and because he is the only competent moral Judge.

“In transferring this crime to a higher court, I am not overturning justice— I am cooperating with God’s perfect justice.” (Gary DeLasmutt, from the book, Loving God’s Way)

What it comes down to, is that forgiveness is to be given unconditionally and revenge is “transferred” to God to take care of, because we’re told to do so by our Heavenly Father, who is worthy of our trust. And that’s the way it is. It’s all part of our faith-walk here on earth.

But it’s also important to realize that in giving forgiveness, it doesn’t mean the person is totally free to victimize us again, and that we must also trust them just because we’ve forgiven them. Trust is something they need to earn. God has not told us to put trust into those who don’t deserve it. Reconciliation isn’t a requirement of forgiving the other person. Reconciliation is something the other person must work through with you. But holding onto unforgiveness or bitterness isn’t something we’re allowed to cling onto.

I believe part of the reason for this, is for our own protection. Unforgiveness and bitterness most often hurts the victim more than it hurts the person who harmed us in the first place. It changes our whole countenance and the direction of our thoughts and most often, our actions. It eats up our joy and consumes the peace we can have within, if we don’t release it. And it usually spills over and hurts others as we share the emotions with them and often take it out on them in some way because we can’t seem to hold our bitter emotions in as time progresses.

Studies have also shown that it also takes its toll on our health, causing all kinds of physical ailments because of the toxicity which bitter emotions emit into our bodies.

I believe these are some of the reasons (among others, including eternal reasons we may never understand in our lifetime) God requires us to get rid of any bitter and unforgiving feelings we may be holding onto. The Bible says in Hebrews 12:14-15:

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

It also challenges in Hebrews 12:1-3 where it says:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

So, we’re to trust God, forgive those who hurt us, and not become bitter or take revenge, even when we don’t understand all the reasons behind any of those actions. It’s trusting God’s heart and motives, applying whatever “faith” we have to the whole matter. An acronym for “faith” is: F.A.I.T.H. = Forsaking All I Trust Him!

The question is, do you? Do you trust Him, even when you don’t understand what He’s doing —even when He hasn’t let you in on His plan? And, WILL you? Will you put your trust in Him?

But there’s one more thing required in all of this. It’s another thing that’s really difficult (just as all of the other things have been). Will you thank Him, despite the pain? Will you live out what it tells us to do in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18? In those verses we’re told to:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

That’s really difficult isn’t it? It’s difficult enough to trust, forgive, not become bitter, and not take revenge, but to be joyful, despite the hurt and give thanks for what has hurt us? That seems almost cruel that God would ask us to go that far. The “praying continually” part isn’t so difficult, and even the joyful part can be possible, because even in the midst of tears we can often find some things to laugh about and take pleasure in. But to give thanks in ALL circumstances — even the ones that have hurt us so very deeply, seems impossible!

Keep in mind that “God never did anything to you that wasn’t FOR you” (or for others in the grander scale of things for His kingdom sake).

And most often it isn’t something that God did TO you that you’re suffering from, but rather it’s something He ALLOWED to happen, for whatever reason He has decided. It’s another thing we have to trust Him with. We live in a fallen world. When the world fell into sin, even the innocent began to suffer the consequences of hurtful things. God doesn’t promise to protect us from every “trouble” that comes our way. We’re warned in John 16:33,

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

In other words, we can count on having troubles in this world. Again, we live in a fallen world and people make stupid and sinful choices that hurt others who are innocent. God hates sin and the consequences, but He has promised us that we can have peace if we trust Him, and allow Him to redeem that which hurts us. We can also be confident that He has overcome the world and that in the final scheme of everything that happens, we can have peace.

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

“Sure, I’ll forgive that man, when I’m good and ready,” the wife says as we sit around the kitchen table. The man in question sits eyes downcast, speechless before her anger. “If you only knew the misery he’s caused me, you’d understand why I’m not going to knuckle in when he says, ‘Sorry,’” she continues. “Sure, I’ll forgive him, but not until he’s paid for a bit of dirt he’s dragged us through.”

He steals a glance at her, and the air, hanging heavy with hostility, oppresses like high humidity. We sit in silence. I can see by the set of her jaw that she is reliving one of the many scenes of conflict that happened in this kitchen. Or is she recalling the day last week when she and her daughter drove into town to confront “the other woman?”

They rang the doorbell and waited. Then the woman stood framed in the screen door, squinting at the daylight, slowly recognizing her callers. Her face was an impassive mask. They stood mute in mutual hate. Then the daughter broke it. “I’ve wanted to see your face for years,” she said, “and now that I’ve seen it,” she continued, and spit on the ground, “you make me sick.”

“Oh, no, I’m not knuckling under,” the wife says again as she gets up from the table. “He can come crawling on his knees for a change.”

I’m remembering this scene years later. In the years that passed, the other woman married and moved out of his world. Slowly, bitterly he paid, repaid, and overpaid for all he’d done. At last, one night when she herself was deep in trouble, lonely and desperate, she offered her forgiveness. It was too late. “You can keep your phone forgiving,” he told her. “I don’t need any of it now. I’ve paid through the nose for what I did. Who needs forgiveness when he’s already paid?”

Central to the work of forgiveness is the task of working through our feelings of anger. In the painful story just told, the anger of the man who betrays his wife, the rage of the woman betrayed, the hostility of the disillusioned daughter, the alienation in “the other woman,” the malice of years spent spiting each other, the bitterness of exacting repayment, the wrath of a man long ignored all shows how anger takes many forms in human tragedies.

Repressed anger hurts and keeps on hurting. If you always deal with it simply by holding it firmly in check or sweeping it under the rug, without any form of release or healing, it can produce rigidity and coldness in personality. Even worse, hostilities pushed down into the depths of consciousness have a way of fermenting into other problems-depression, anxiety, and eventually mental breakdown. Or repressed anger may come out indirectly in critical attitudes, scape-goating, or irritableness.

Repression is an unwholesome and potentially dangerous way of dealing with anger, but obviously it’s safer than venting our anger on everybody else. If the choice is between expressing anger by venting our venom or repressing it, then we better choose the latter. It’s safer for others, for society, and ultimately for ourselves.

But there is a third way. It is not expressing or repressing but confessing your anger. Anger and hostility must be released. Somehow you’ve got to get it off your chest and out of your system. You can either blow it out in steam-or talk it out in honest self-understanding.

Dr. Willard Harris of Ohio State University reports that anger and fear affect the heart in identical ways: the pulse speeds up, and the breathing rate doubles. “Acute anger has been associated with an acute heart attack. Heart damage can be done by repeated bouts of anger over a long period of time.

But more serious is the sickness a hair-trigger temper produces in an explosive personality. It prevents personal and social development, halts spiritual progress, cuts one off from fellow humans, and blocks good judgment.

Release from anger comes from owning up and opening up. Own up to your anger. Own up to yourself, to those whom you’ve hurt by your hostility, and own up to God. Yes, He already knows all about you, but confessing it to Him is the first step to strength.

The Bible says, “You should get into the habit of admitting your sins to one another, and praying for one another, so that you may be healed” (James 5:16). When you own up to anger, don’t do it just as a grudging admission-open up. That is the real test of honest confessing.

You see, the problems of anger and hostility are much deeper than our surface admissions of guilt. Each of us harbors depths of anger that lie closed and hidden until a moment of stress when the smoldering embers burst into flame. None of us knows how much anger is within us until we are aroused.

George Duncan, the great Scottish Bible teacher, has written: “We never forget anything. In the depths of our minds there is a fearful accumulation of every thought, every emotion we have ever known. The importance lies in what accumulates. These depths of human personality need cleansing. The danger is that we deal only with the surface of our lives —like washing our hands and our faces, and thinking we are clean.” The deeper reserves of anger-infection need cleansing if we are to be at peace with ourselves and with others.

You can spend all your life swatting the flies of temper, anger, and irritableness. But far better, clean out the breeding ground down in the depths of your personality. Honest openness before God and your understanding sister or brother can let the light into your life to begin the healing in depth that God can bring —the healing of forgiveness. James the apostle writes: “Let every man be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” (James 1:19-20)

He was quoting the ancient book of wisdom in the Bible, called Proverbs, which has this to say of temper: “A quick-tempered man does foolish things… Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city… A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

• To channel your anger, slow down. Learn to delay your anger. Set a later time to settle your conflict or misunderstanding. This is one good use of the habit of postponing. Put it off till later. Then your emotions will cool off, your head will clear, and your judgment will return.

• Don’t put it off too long. Set strict limits on the delay. Don’t let yourself do a long, slow burn over anything. Getting mad may be sometimes necessary, but remaining mad never is! So don’t store up unfinished anger agenda. Keep close tab on yourself. Balance all your books by the end of the day. “Don’t let the sun go down upon your wrath,” the Bible wisely exhorts. The poison of hostility is bad enough in your conscious mind; don’t force it down into your subconscious by sleeping on it. Keep up-to-date-accounts.

• Learn to be honestly open with your anger problem. Go to the person with whom you were angry. Straighten it out. Life is too short to be ruined with bitter grudges and continuing indignation. Learn to go and make things right —humbly and graciously! One of the best ways to controlling anger is to talk the problem out with a friend or even yourself. Talking to the mirror, keeping a journal, facing yourself in your own favorite way is indispensable.

Dr. William Menninger counsels: “Do not talk when angry. But after you have calmed down, do talk. Sometimes we push each other away and the problem between us festers and festers. Just as in surgery, free and adequate drainage is essential if healing is to take place.”

Examine each anger situation. Ask yourself, “Exactly why did this touch off my temper?” Self-understanding is a key to anger prevention. Do your best to be understanding of the other person, too. And be sure you understand the true situation between you. It’s seldom what it seems to be. All these may help you defuse the explosives in your personality.

The help of an understanding, loving counselor may open the insights you need. A doctor may help you understand how and why these feelings have risen. A minister can guide you in accepting God’s forgiveness for your guilt as you receive Jesus Christ as your personal Savior. Then you can accept yourself and ho on to full forgiveness of others. You can discover the resources of love that God offers for transforming your life and for becoming a transformer in the world about you.

Making peace with your own anger and being at peace with another’s right to be angry are two qualities that free us to be effective reconcilers. Since forgiveness is, at its heart, the resolution of anger within and between people, it is the person whose anger is accepted, channeled, and directed appropriately who can make peace-seventy times seven.

This book brings out the fact that forgiving those who have hurt us deeply, irritated us, or simply inconvenienced us is one of the hardest things we ever do. David Augsburger understands that. He knows the outrageous cost of forgiving those who have hurt you. But he also knows it is our only option as believers. Any other course of action not only will prove ineffective but will be opposed to the will of God. Dr. Augsburger combines personal testimonies with Scripture for a highly practical and motivating guide to applying forgiveness in your life. There is now a newer version of this book available titled, The New Freedom of Forgiveness, also by Moody Publishers, which should be even better than the book we have. We highly recommend your getting it!

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There was only one other person in whom Tom had ever confided. That was Ray Lewis, who worked in the same shop where Tom worked. He knew that Ray found a lot of strength in his Christian faith. Tom didn’t understand that, but he admired Ray.

Tom found Ray alone and wasted no time getting to the point. “Ray, what would you do if you had somebody hassling you time after time? Would you just grin and bear it?”

“Absolutely not. If somebody does something to hurt me, that’s wrong; so I ought to try to prevent them from continuing to do something wrong. I have a responsibility to them and I also have a responsibility to myself not to let myself be abused. Is somebody causing you problems?”

“Yes, it’s my ex-wife. It’s especially painful when it involves my children — especially when it doesn’t stop and when she does it on purpose. What can I do about it?”

“The thing most people would want to do first—at least the urge that comes to me first—is to get even, to hurt them right back. But hurting them back is wrong, of course. And it doesn’t work either. Often, the hardest part is not doing the things you feel like doing—not letting your feelings dominate your mind. Because if your mind doesn’t stay in control, you may lose control of your behavior; and then the mess is a whole lot bigger. But you’re probably wondering how much longer you can continue on like this, right?”

“Exactly,” Tom said.

“Well, that’s where being a follower of Christ helps me tremendously. It has made it possible for me to get through some rough places in life. I don’t know how I would have gotten through some of them if it hadn’t been for the help I get through my Christian faith,” Ray replied.

After talking for a while Tom asked Ray to explain more. They met together to discuss Tom’s questions about Ray’s beliefs in Christ quite a few times over the next several months. After a lot of questioning, author Richard Walters goes on to write:

Tom eventually decided to believe in, and live for, Christ. Then he discovered, a little at a time, that Ray was right —Christ did help him become more patient and cooperative with Bette. He amazed himself one day by apologizing to her for his lack of cooperation and his part in their petty bickering. He felt very good about that, but every time he thought of how she had rejected him and the humiliation it had caused him, anger surged within him, He had hateful thoughts toward her and knew that he had not forgiven her. Good works had not been enough.

He talked to Ray about it. “I’m doing everything right, but the old problems keep bothering me. I’m keeping my behavior under control, but, in spite of that, I haven’t won the battle. What’s missing?”

Ray explained that forgiving is an act of the will. Tom had made a deliberate, conscious decision to change his behavior, but he had not made the same deliberate, conscious decision to forgive her for what she had done. For Tom, to stop doing wrong was a commendable and necessary step; but he hadn’t yet, by an act of his will, forgiven her. Ray’s advice to him was to forgive, claim it, close it, and keep it closed.

Tom decided that what was what he wanted to do, but he didn’t think he could. So he prayed, “Lord, I don’t really want to forgive Bette, but I know that I should. I do want to be obedient to you. Because I want to be obedient to you, I ask you to help me want to forgive her. I’m willing to want to, even though it seems impossible now. Please take my willingness to want to forgive and change it into a real wanting for forgive, so that I can do it.”

Tom stepped as far as he could. It wasn’t a very big step, but it was all that he could do; and that’s all the Lord ever expects of us. When Tom used his will, to the extent that he could, to do what was right, the Lord helped him with the rest of it. Tom knew that he had forgiven her. He claimed it, considered it closed, and determined to keep it closed. As a result, Tom enjoyed peace he had never before experienced.

[But two weeks later Tom was served with a letter from Bette's attorney falsely charging him with getting her pregnant, threatening to sue him for child support. He was furious and went to Ray incensed over the injustice of it all.]

He said, “Ray, I swear to you I haven’t touched that woman since the day she walked out on me. I thought she had hurt me every way she could, but she’s found a new way.”

They talked for quite a while and then Tom said, “I think the thing that hurts the most is that I thought I’d forgiven her and now I find I haven’t. Look at me; I’m as angry as I ever was.”

“Tom, the fact that you’re angry over this doesn’t change the forgiving that you’ve already done. You’re angry about a new wound. It’s understandable you’re angry with that. Don’t for a minute think the feelings you have now change the forgiving you’ve already done. They don’t. Again, you’ll be guided by your will in this. And I believe you’ll again decide to forgive. There has to be a way out of this mess. Together we’ll find it.”

They did, although things were in turmoil for a long time. When Bette’s child was born, Tom volunteered for a blood test. At that point Bette dropped her false accusation.

Tom grew spiritually during this time and was able to control his own behavior, and worked hard at developing relationships with his children. Those relationships blossomed.

Meanwhile, Bette got enmeshed in a circle of friends who were heavily involved in drug abuse, sex, and marginal living. She was apprehended for child neglect, and the infant was placed in a foster home. Tom was given custody of his two children.

When that happened he said to Ray, “I’ve prayed to have my children with me, but not at this cost. It breaks my heart to see what Bette has done to herself.” He prayed for her regularly.

Forgiving changes us; it doesn’t change the other person. Forgiving heals past wounds; it doesn’t protect us from future wounds.

Forgiving the second time may be harder, and the third time even more difficult. So do we quit forgiving? No, we follow the principle Christ taught Peter, that we always forgive (See: Matthew 18:21-35). This doesn’t mean that we condone wrong behavior or leave ourselves unprotected against future hurt.

But we must recognize that forgiving may take place over a long period of time. It may be a cycle repeated over and over in a relationship with a friend or family member. Unfortunately, there’s no special process that makes this repetitive forgiving any easier—there’s no quantity discount. Here’s what we can do:

1.) Begin where we can begin. Forgive what we can forgive.

2.) Pray for willingness to forgive the rest.

3.) As we can, forgive the rest.

4.) Don’t be surprised if we remember more old offenses or if new offenses occur. Deal with them one by one. Recycle points 2 and 3 above.

Even when there have been many offenses, there may be only one occasion when the forgiver talks with the other person about forgiving, and maybe not even one. But even if there are more opportunities, they should often be avoided because they aren’t necessarily constructive to the other person. The Lord will guide our forgiving of his or her sins against us. The essential element of forgiveness is our heart attitude, not the words spoken to the other person, important as those words may be.

When we’re wounded the second time, our feelings are probably going to be similar to the feelings we had the first time, and are likely to be even more intense. But these feelings don’t mean we never forgave the first time. The feelings aren’t wrong and they don’t necessarily indicate we have done wrong. We control our behavior and ultimately resolve unpleasant feelings by a process —forgiving— that begins with an act of the will.

Unfortunately, the book, which this article was edited from, FORGIVE AND BE FREE— Healing the Wounds of Past and Present, by Richard Walters, published by Zondervan Publishing is no longer being printed.

The Emotional Consequences
Bitterness will poison your emotional life. There seems to be a connection between bitterness and depression. Many embittered people complain of chronic, unexplained depression. They don’t seem to have the emotional resilience to circumstantial adversity they once had. God evidently designed us to have an emotional reserve that acts as a buffer to adverse circumstances. We fill this emotional reserve primarily by cultivating thankfulness toward God and by practicing love toward others. Cultivating and maintaining bitterness, by contrast, takes up much emotional energy and therefore places a real drain on our emotional reserves. Consequently, bitter people often find themselves easily depressed.

(This is not to suggest that bitterness is the only cause of depression. There are many other causes, including chemical imbalance. Those who experience chronic or severe depression should seek professional help to discover the cause(s) of their depression.)

The Relational Consequences
When we become bitter towards another person, we usually think our bitterness will negatively affect only that relationship. We think we can tolerate this sin in our lives and yet isolate its destructive effects, but harboring bitterness will greatly impede our ability to develop any healthy relationships.

Some people seem to have a floating bitterness. Their real bitterness may, for example, be rooted in their attitude toward parents who repeatedly humiliated them. They may live a thousand miles away from their parents, yet flare up with anger when anyone embarrasses them. This can hurt their ability to sustain close friendships because embarrassment is inevitable in this context.

Long-term bitterness has a way of poisoning your personality with negativity. Embittered people tend to become cynical and full of self-pity. Over time, these attitudes can even affect the way people speak and carry themselves. They develop an angry tone of voice, or a nasty facial expression, or even a hostile bodily posture. Most of us have known people whose whole being communicates that they are deeply angry people. Tragically, such people tend to repel others, and then become more embittered against people for rejecting them.

Most bitter people complain that their offenders have used their power to wrongly hurt or control their lives. In most cases, this is the truth. The sexual offender, the domineering parent, the abusive spouse have all used their position of authority or trust to take advantage of their victims.

The more immersed we become in rehearsing their offense and expressing our revenge, the more we allow them to dominate our lives. This is why bitter people often become like their offenders in certain key ways. We were victimized by their controlling behavior, but then we become excessively controlling in our relationships with others. In a mysterious ways, bitterness reduces us to the level of the people we hate. In usurping God’s role to judge our offenders, we become like the very people we judge.

The Spiritual Consequences
The most precious privilege of the Christian life is enjoying relational closeness with a forgiving God. While bitterness will not cause God to reject us, it will eventually rob us of the ability to enjoy our relationship with him. Consider John’s warning in 1 John 2:9-11.

“Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him (NIV).”

Bitterness produces spiritual blindness because it is so profoundly hypocritical. Christians are the recipients of an incredible forgiveness. We are guilty before a holy God who has just cause to reject us and condemn us forever. Like the man in Jesus’ parable, we expect to make others pay their debts to us while we have our own, greater debt forgiven. We insist on the right to take vengeance on our offenders, we want to enjoy the benefits of being forgiven by God. This double-mindedness is extreme.

If we choose to retain our right to hate others, we forfeit the privilege of experiencing God’s mercy and goodness. When we server this crucial linkage between receiving God’s forgiveness and extending it to others, we become spiritually paralyzed. Our Christian lives will shrivel away from what they once were when we allowed the wonder of God’s mercy with us to spill onto others.

“This book does not focus on how other people should treat us or how badly others are failing us. If you are like me, this perspective comes naturally when you think about relationships. …This book is not about finding the right church structure. Many different structures facilitate Christian community, and each local church must choose those structures that will help true community to develop. The heart of Christian community, however, is not structure. It is the commitment of its members to love one another as Christ loves us. My hope is that this book will help you to better understand what this kind of love looks like, and that it will motivate you to become a better contributor in your current Christian relationships.”

They were sitting in my office when the wife said, “I’d forgive him if he would just apologize.”

He responded, “I did apologize.”

“You did not.”

“I told you I was sorry,” he said.

“That is not an apology,” she responded.

Have your apologies often fallen flat? Do your spouse’s apologies connect and motivate you to forgive? Or are you married to someone who seldom apologizes?

The above scenario as well as the questions that followed were written and posed by Dr Gary Chapman. Have you been in the place that he just described? A LOT couples have been there. It seems that it’s just not as easy to know what the other spouse expects as far as an apology.

It seems simple enough to each spouse personally, but many times, people don’t approach matters the same way. As a result, the apology goes flat and doesn’t register with the offended in the way it may have been intended.

For further insight into giving “Apologies that Make a Difference”, we encourage you to to read the rest of  the  article Dr Chapman wrote. It is posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine Web site. Please click onto the link below to read:

• APOLOGIZING: The Fastest Road to Forgiveness

Also, on this same subject, the following is a “Question of the Week” that was answered on the web site Smalleyonline.com:

Q: My wife is very sensitive and she says that I am not. She feels that my apologies are obligatory and not heartfelt. When I hurt her feelings, I want to make it right but often fumble over my words. How can I apologize and convince her that I mean it?

To read the answer that was given, please click HERE.

Another “Question of the Week” addressed on Smalleyonline.com is:

Q: My wife says that I am one of the fastest apologizers she knows. She says the speed and repetition of my apologies voids the sincerity. She believes that when I say “I’m sorry” it is just to get out of a fight. I can’t win. Any suggestions?

To read the answer to that question, please click HERE.

Below is a link to another article you can read on the subject of apologizing, written by Christian Psychologist Phil Monroe, who answers the question:

• WHAT MAKES A GOOD APOLOGY?

An article featured on the Crosswalk.com web site that would be good for you to read is:

• LEARN YOUR SPOUSE’S LANGUAGE OF APOLOGY

And lastly:

“After counseling numerous troubled marriages, I have observed that distressed marriages frequently are weak in the domain of repentance and short on apologies. Difficult-to-live-with spouses find it burdensome to repent and apologize to their partners because they often have not developed the practice of daily repenting and apologizing to God. Also, difficult-to-live-with spouses generally have a hard time assuming responsibility for their wrongful actions.

“A repentant spirit is the healing balm to breaking the cycle of blame in a marital relationship. The entire life of a Christian is one of continual repentance. Repentance is a prerequisite for reconciliation since a change of ways has to occur to heal grievances. Thus, the question that arises within a healthy marital relationship is ‘How can I repent and apologize?’ when I have offended my spouse.”

The quote above was written by Dr Randall A. Schroeder, which was part of an article we highly recommend you read. It’s a very complex article —but we believe it’s worth the effort it would take to go through it in its entirety. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• APOLOGIZING AND FORGIVING: The Heart of the Christian Marriage

If you have any additional advice or tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Perhaps the most difficult act of forgiving and the most critical one for the abuse survivor is leaning to forgive herself. She must forgive herself with the same determination with which she forgives those who have brought her pain.

A whole jury of self-accusations cries out against her: “Why didn’t I say ‘No!’? Why did I compound my plight with acts of emotional self-mutilation? Why didn’t I accept the truth sooner? —perhaps I could have salvaged my marriage, raised my children better? What is wrong with me? How can anyone stand me? How can I stand myself?”

When I talk with victims of child abuse who now carry not only the displaced guilt of the truly guilty perpetrator but also struggle with the weighty baggage of self-hate, I remind them that they are a lot like the little child who was introduced to a dope habit early in life. Some adult injected a small dose of heroin into the child’s vein, continually increasing the dosage until a dependency had been created.

Of course the child enjoyed the drug-induced high, loved the effusive moments, craved others injections. Of course, the child now has to deal with the effects of that addiction, the insatiable need for more, the days to stupor, the cycle of physical and emotional highs and lows, the humiliating ugliness of withdrawal.

But the culpability, the true guilt, the error was on the part of that adult who stabbed the needle in the child’s skin and injected the first dose, then the next, then the next. The child is not responsible for that adult’s action.

Child sexual abuse is the same. You are struggling against the symptoms of withdrawal, from an act (or acts) perpetrated against you of which you were innocent —and there is a confusing welter of causes and consequences —but you were not guilty in that first act. This realization can become a foundation on which you can lay the other bricks of self-forgiveness.

Begin by saying aloud the words, “I forgive myself.” Forgive yourself for the moments that were not your responsibility but for which you have held yourself in judgment. Deal in confession with those actions which are your responsibility: your hatred, resentment, and bitterness; your sinful lifestyle; your vindictive “taking it out” on the people around you.

Take some quiet time and write out the specifics: I confess and forgive myself for searching for live in promiscuity. I forgive myself for trying to punish my parents by experimenting with drugs. I forgive myself for my hatred toward my husband who was innocent of the crimes which were really the crimes of my father. I forgive myself. I forgive.

The release this kind of forgiveness provides is indescribable to those who have never experienced it; it is like laying down the ten-pound load of pain strapped to your chest which you have carried to bed, through each day, to work, into all your relationships. You put it down —truly lay it aside when you forgive yourself. Then you can rejoin the dance of life.

The above article comes from the book, Child Sexual Abuse: A Hope for Healing, by Maxine Hancock and Karen Burton Mains, published by Harold Shaw Publishers.

Unfortunately, this book is no longer in print so you may find it difficult to locate it. But we want to thank the authors for putting together such a helpful book which we’re sure has ministered to thousands of people and through this article will continue to help those who suffer from the devastation that sexual abuse has caused in their lives.