We received a letter here at Marriage Missions that asked us to consider writing about this topic and finding help. She wrote:

“I am in a second marriage and my stepchild has a disability (autism). I know many marriages end in divorce when there is a child with a disability. I am dealing with a second marriage, which is hard enough, but this is one with a stepchild with autism.

“My husband is often in denial about his adult son with autism. I have never seen an article relating to this on any Christian website — I have looked! With so many kids being diagnosed with autism today (for boys it is every 1 in 93 births) and so many marriages ending in divorce I can’t be the only one struggling with this.”

To help those of you who are dealing with marriage challenges that occur when a child in your home is disabled, we have found several articles that we believe you will find insightful. You can read them by clicking onto the links provided below:

• DISABLED CHILDREN

• AN UNEXPECTED GIFT

• THE BLESSING OF PARENTING A CHILD WITH AUTISM

• THE IMPACT OF A DISABLED CHILD ON YOUR MARRIAGE

• CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE AND AUTISM

• UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH MAURA WEIS

We also found a Resource List that will help those dealing with Autism in their family. It is put together by the great ministry of  Joni and Friends Joniandfriends.org.

However, if you are dealing with a different type of disability that is affecting your marriage, you can put that term into their “Site Search” to see what they make available to help you. Please click onto the link provided below to find:

• AUTISM RESOURCE LIST

And for those of you who would like to help your church to help couples who have disabled children, read the following concerning churches that have done this successfully:

• SPECIAL NEEDS

• LET THE CHILDREN PRAY

We would greatly appreciate it if you would share your insights in the comment section provided below to help those who are dealing with various marriage challenges as they raise their disabled children. Or perhaps you are facing challenges in your own marriage and want to reach out in community for prayer and/or advice. We hope you will “Join the Discussion” and share what is on your heart.

Tragically, so many couples deal with this horrible situation every day — losing their baby before the 20th week of pregnancy, commonly called a “miscarriage.” Even the word “miscarriage” brings with it the thought that the parent will “miss” being able to “carry” their baby physically, this side of heaven. And yet, they will always carry the baby emotionally in their hearts.

For those of you who are grieving through this loss, the emotional effects upon your marriage and upon each of you as individuals, can vary greatly.

“Sometimes a husband may blame his wife, or the wife may even blame her husband. Confusion and hurt can develop and cause great tension in a marriage if they are not handled properly” (Elizabeth Honeycutt, who developed Babygrief.com).

That is why it is extremely important to give each other the grace, space, empathy, and help that is needed so the grieving process doesn’t push you farther apart as a married couple, rather than draw you closer together as partners who work together through every tragedy that is encountered.

There’s something that Christi Bear wrote, that you might consider about all of this. It comes from the article “Understanding Miscarriage” (posted on www.troubledwith.com):

“It’s common to experience extreme sadness, anger, guilt and anxiety about future pregnancies. There is no ‘typical’ time-frame for emotional recovery; every woman experiences the grieving process in her own way and travels the road to healing at her own pace. While it’s important to allow time and personal ’space’ for grieving, if the grief becomes too overwhelming — leading to a more serious episode of depression and despondency — it may be necessary to get professional help.

“Fathers, too, are profoundly affected by the loss of a child. Unfortunately, a common misconception regarding miscarriage and stillbirth is that only the mother is affected. Women often feel more freedom to cry and express their grief, whereas men tend to feel pressure to ‘remain strong’ and may busy themselves with work or other activities in an effort to deal with their grief.

“Because men and women typically express their emotions and process their grief differently, it’s important for both parents to communicate their feelings to one another, helping to avoid the added pain of misunderstandings.”

John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter wrote something about this in their book, When the Cradle is Empty, that could help to explain the pain and tension that a miscarriage can bring into the marriage:

“The following reactions are common among women: ‘Does my husband feel as badly as I do about our baby? Does he know that since our baby died, I hate having sex? Why do I feel so unattractive? Why is becoming pregnant again such an obsession for me, but not for him?’

“Conversely, it’s not uncommon for the husband to think, ‘I have to be strong for my wife’s sake. She’ll only grieve more if I show my emotions, so I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. Why has she withdrawn sex? Is she blaming me? I know she wants to become pregnant again, but I’m afraid of what losing another baby would do to her. It seems like she’s crying all the time, and it’s really getting to me. I wish we could be happy again, like we were before the baby died.’”

John and Sylvia go on to give suggestions for walking through the loss of a baby like personalizing your baby, not rushing through to “move on” before you are ready, and bringing “your turmoil to God.” But they also suggest that you “grieve in your own way.” They write:

“Greg Bodin, director of pastoral care at North Medical Center in Robbinsdale, Minnesota, has worked with hundreds of families who’ve experienced miscarriage, still-birth, or early infant death. He and his wife have also suffered the loss of two children through miscarriage and stillbirth. Among the things he’s learned are:

• Loss is uniquely personal. There is no typical response or ‘right’ reaction to a pregnancy loss or death of a newborn.

• Feel the freedom to grieve in your own way. Don’t let anyone prescribe how you should feel, and don’t try to adapt your feelings to the expectations of others.

• Remember that the length of pregnancy doesn’t correlate to the grief felt. Some parents experience a great sense of loss even though the pregnancy was short-term.”

“Many couples feel the grief over miscarriage or stillbirth years after the loss,” Elizabeth Honeycutt from Babygrief.com says. “Others close up their feelings and try their best to move forward. For those who have felt the personal pain of losing a baby, the emotions, questions and grief need to be felt, answered, and worked through.”

To help those of you who are living through the pain and confusion that this experience brings into your life, we have found several articles posted on different web sites, written by those who have experienced miscarriage, firsthand. We pray they will minister to your hearts and your marriage relationship. You will find the links posted below.

The following article is written by Laura Mills, and is featured on the Today’s Christian Woman web site. Please click onto the following link to read:

• MOURNING A MISCARRIAGE

The following article, written by Lisa Brock, is featured on the web site Troubledwith.com. Please click onto the link below to read what Lisa learned about:

• LIFE AFTER MISCARRIAGE

This next article is written by Jennifer Maze Brown and is featured on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• EMPTY ARMS

The following article, featured on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine, is written by Bob Perry, and gives insight into what a husband was able to learn after his wife suffered a miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link provided below:

• WHEN MR FIX-IT WON’T DO

This next article, which is featured on the Stepping Stones ministry web site (Bethany.org), talks about the “Do’s” and “Don’ts” women want others to know about, as it pertains to approaching them after a miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link below:

• AFTER MY MISCARRIAGE

The following article is written by Cyndie Odya-Weis, and is featured on the Stepping Stones ministry web site (Bethany.org), and talks about the feelings she has for her three children in heaven that she lost through miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link below:

• LOST CHILDREN

This last article is written by Una McManus, as told to her by Mary Cunningham Agee, and is featured on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman. Please click onto the link provided below to read how miscarriage birthed a ministry to unwed mothers:

• FROM TEARS TO JOY

These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions from time to time, and they’re very, very tough ones! It’s difficult to even know how to start, but we’re going to attempt to do so, because it’s a situation that needs to be dealt with.

As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.

We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure, and then there are some things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.

Some things that are for sure are:

• The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop. God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).

• Each day can bring a new beginning. And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.

“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

• There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin, and yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:10).

The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair. Prayerfully consider what he advises:

“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”

“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”

“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”

You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.

On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.

There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.

You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article (we personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below). But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do (and don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life).

To read an article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley, please click onto the link provided below:

• What to Do When You (or Your Spouse) Becomes Pregnant

Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link provided below to read it:

• When There is a Child From an Affair

Also, if you can give some additional information and insights to help others who will be reading this article, please share it in the comment section provided below.

Lets hope not. Your marriage may not survive that long.

“In a marriage, sex is the spice that rescues our relationships from becoming mundane pursuits of chores. Adult life is filled with responsibilities. We have mortgages to pay, yard work to maintain, laundry to clean, cars to service, and so on. But none of us got married so we could load up on chores. We got married out of hope. We got married because we believed there was some kind of magic between us. We got married because we believed we could have great sex together.

“A satisfying sex life can add dignity to all the other pursuits of life. It is the thing to look forward to after a dull or miserable day at work. Sex is the moment of connection that creates a deep bond, even when sprinkled weeks or months apart. Sexual union adds an underlying deposit of strength that can help hold couples together when life threatens them apart. …God gave you this gift to be enjoyed, savored, and strengthened. When you enhance your overall marital well-being, the rest of your life is more effective in accomplishing God’s purpose for you.” (Bill and Pam Farrel, from their book, “Red Hot Monogamy”)

Most of us would probably agree that having a satisfying sex life and romantic life together as husband and wife is important to the health of  marriages. And yet how is it possible to achieve that after you have children and you’re so tired and preoccupied (and sometimes even the desire is gone)? Let’s face it:

“As soon as the baby arrives, nearly every aspect of your relationship changes —including your love life.” (David and Claudia Arp)

It may be that before you have children:

“You swear it will never happen: you will not become one of those couples who lets the fires of romance burn out as soon as children come on the scene. You know the ones – with puke stains on their t-shirts and bags under their eyes, they seem to have little in common other than an obsession with telling everyone about their wonderful child. Then one day you wake up with the Barney theme song running through your mind. You realize that your conversations with each other now revolve around sleep (as in who has had less), poop (as in who has cleaned up more), and the new host of Blue’s Clues. Maybe keeping the romance alive is going to be tougher than you thought.

“Take heart! Though it may seem impossible, your love life can survive the Diaper Phase…”

To read more, please click into the Family Life Today web site article to read:

• SURVIVING THE DIAPER PHASE

It’s important to survive the Diaper Phase because as parents and authors David and Claudia Arp say,

“Your kids will wait while you build your marriage, but your marriage won’t wait for your kids to grow up. …Becoming parents should not make us celibate, so how can couples have kids and still maintain a sex life?”

To read more, please click onto the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site link to read:

• SEX AFTER KIDS?

To go a step further, Sheri Miller gives another phase of marriage that has challenges all in its own. As she wrote,

“Everyone warned us that small children would impact our sex life. They forgot to mention teenagers.”

How do you overcome that obstacle? Please click onto the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site link to read:

• WHEN NO TIME’S A GOOD TIME

Upon reading the above articles, not only can you make the time and find the opportunity to have sex even after the kids are born, you should. And an added bonus is that you can become a better mom if you make it your priority.  Mother and author, Karen Scalf Linamen gives the following insight:

“I believe there is no conflict of interest between motherhood and loverhood. In fact, the bond that is created by sexual intimacy between you and your husband does far more than enhance your relationship alone—it also enriches the lives of your children. That’s right! The best mothers are not those women who devote every waking moment to their children. The best mothers are, indeed, those women who take the time—make the time—to cultivate, protect, and express the lover within.”

To read her reasons why, please click onto the Family Life Today web site to read:

• MOTHERHOOD AND LOVERHOOD

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

The Fagan’s of Richmond find themselves on the happy side of some pretty sad statistics. From January through December, in 1999 alone, 31,729 divorces were recorded in Virginia, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. Divorce Magazine found that one million children each year were involved in new divorces nationwide (as of 1997). Nearly half of the couples marrying today can expect to be divorced within 10 years. Living together “happily ever after” continues to be nothing more than a fairy-tale dream for millions of families.

When baby makes three… A solid, stable relationship between partners is especially important when children enter the picture, according to Sherry Finneran, MS Ed., co-director and consultant at the Family Education Center, for two reasons: “The first is because parents model how to have a loving relationship. The second is because it’s a lot more fun.”

The catch is that along with the joy that children bring, their needs and demands often raise to the surface and aggravate any pre-existing problems a couple has experienced. Unresolved problems from your own childhood can bubble up, threaten and even sink a relationship.

If you know anyone who dreamed that having a child would cure an ailing marriage, you no doubt understand the problem. That is, with every additional member of your household, there’s more stress on those already there.

Jesse Rabinowitz, PhD., director of Psychological Services at Jewish Family Services, says children present big challenges and an often difficult transition for a marriage. “Parenthood can be an isolating experience, particularly if the other parent is working, [because] support networks have thinned out [and] we don’t have family nearby,” explains Rabinowitz. “Couples have less time together. Sleep deprivation leads to greater difficulties in negotiating the emotional terrain of a relationship. People feel neglected because (an utterly dependent) baby soaks up so much nurturing and energy.”

The period following a baby’s birth can be a “dangerous time” for a marriage, according to Dalia Cohen, MS, LPC, and certified Imago therapist. She often sees clients for the 1st time after they’ve had a child. “People have affairs. The woman’s bonding with the child and the man’s feeling that he’s not important or useful,” she says. Some are “insecure and afraid of repeating patterns.”

If you’re suffering from abuse and/or insurmountable depression, engaged in constant arguments and fights, uncovering or participating in an extramarital affair, your marriage is quite obviously crying out for help. Sometimes trouble can be less apparent, but is just as important to address and resolve (with your partner or with the aid of a professional).

“Your marriage is in trouble if you feel alone in the relationship, you’re the only one doing things, you’re not excited about your partner coming home or you can talk to anyone but your spouse,” says Cohen. A lack of communication means the relationship is in jeopardy. The most dangerous sign is if you just stop caring. “The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.”

Time to talk? What can couples do to avoid trouble, maintain and strengthen their partnership?

There’s no magic. You’ve just got to make it a priority. “Decide that you’re not going to let [your relationship] go. Be committed to making it work and to being in the marriage for the long haul,” says Teresa Parr, Parent Coaching Consultant.

“Babies are loud about what they need. Marriages are not,” Parr says. “It’s easy to neglect each other because other things are more urgent, but you have to save some time and energy for your spouse.” Making time for each other may not be easy, but it’s essential. Schedule time together just as you would a meeting. “Put it on your calendar,” urges Cohen. Even half an hour to talk and share your feelings will serve as a tonic for your relationship.

Good communication is “the blood flow of the relationship,” says Cohen. Tell each other what you want and need without criticism or accusation. Avoid using words such as “always” or “never.”

Even when you disagree, “honor the differences” between you, says Finneran. You do that by listening carefully and respectfully to your partner. Listen. Suggest and discuss ideas. Then, make your decisions together.

James and Marianne Marcus (who asked that their real names not be used) have been married for 15 years and have two sons, ages 10 and 12. “We make decisions together about almost everything,” says James. “We had very different experiences growing up. Our values are similar, though, so by the time we distill an issue, it’s not hard to come to an agreement. We both need to be disciplined, knowing we’re coming from two different directions, so that we reach a mutually satisfying decision.”

Finneran advises scheduling 10 minutes of conversation per day, half an hour to an hour per week for a “marriage meeting” to discuss schedules and resolve conflicts and one weekly date. If it sounds impossible, try to incorporate these times into your schedule, one by one, little by little.

Take time to reconnect

• Can’t do a weekly date? How about going out twice a month for a meal or a movie? Go bowling or play miniature golf.

• Short of money? Take a walk together.

• Can’t leave your child? Take the baby with you when you go to a restaurant. Ask relatives or friends to baby-sit. Switch childcare duties with other parents or join a babysitting co-op.

• If you can’t escape the house for a date, reserve half an hour for each other after the kids go to sleep. “Sit up when you crawl into bed instead of lying down and falling asleep,” Finneran advises.

• Get up early on a weekend morning to have coffee together.

• Allow the kids to watch a video while you talk and snuggle. But please, there should be no discussion of problems; this is your time to nurture each other.

• “Set boundaries for the kids, so you have adult time,” says Cohen. Teach your little ones that when the door to Mommy and Daddy’s room is closed, they must knock. And they can enter only when you say so.

As the children mature and you feel comfortable leaving them with a caregiver for a longer period, going away might be just the refresher your marriage needs.

Chris and Noelle Lavach left their 5-year-old daughter and almost 1-year-old son in the care of Chris’ parents while the couple took a much-needed 5-day vacation in St. Croix. Despite initial concerns about being so far away from the kids and spending money on themselves, their trip turned out to be more worthwhile than they had anticipated. “We had fun. We were getting along better. When we came back, we felt it was something that had really benefited our family,” Noelle says.

• A little can mean a lot. When you’re apart, keep in touch with your spouse by telephone, snail or e-mail.

• Face to face. You don’t always have to communicate with words. Sending flowers or giving a box (or a bar) of a favorite candy can keep your romance alive. Having sex or just hugging, touching and holding each other are other ways to reassure, comfort, and love your partner.

• Reassure each other, in word and deed. A new mother needs to know her husband still finds her attractive. A new father wants to be sure he’s not the third wheel in the growing love affair between mother and baby.

• Make an effort to look good for each other, even if you’re exhausted. “Learn from French women,” Cohen says. “A quick wash under your arms, comb your hair, dab on lipstick and perfume. You’ll feel and look better.”

• No matter how old your kids are and how long your marriage has lasted, don’t take your spouse for granted. “Be mindful, loving, and forgiving,” urges Rabinowitz.

• Simple gestures, such as surprising each other with an offer of free time or taking over a task your partner doesn’t like, can revitalize a relationship.

“One day I was on the phone, telling a friend how much I hate unloading the dishwasher. My husband overheard me & from then on, the dishwasher was always emptied,” Noelle Lavach says.

• When your spouse does something thoughtful, make sure you recognize the effort. Thank him. Tell him he’s wonderful. Compliment him on how well he’s done at changing diapers, preparing a meal, cleaning the bathroom or modifying his behavior in response to your needs or requests — even if the results are not perfect. Your positive response will encourage him and make him even more willing to continue to help out.

• Make space, too. As important as it is to spend time together, you’ve got to nurture yourself. “People need to charge their batteries,” says Cohen. Allow each other time and space to be alone and with friends, to read, take a class.

• “Recognize that the person coming home from work might need a break ” says Rabinowitz, “and that the at-home spouse has also been hard at work.” Take turns doing kitchen chores and childcare duties, so that each of you gets a chance to play or work at something on your own.

“On Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays, I take care of the kids, so my wife can attend a yoga class she likes,” James Marcus says.

The Marcuses have even structured their work to allow plenty of flexibility. “I work out of home,” James says, “so Marianne can work late or on weekends, if she has to. I benefit, as well, because one of us is always at home to deal with issues (such as a sick child having to be picked up from school). There’s no anxiety.”

Parent together. In an ideal world, people would agree on and develop a parenting philosophy and style long before they had children. In reality, however, most of us don’t know what we’re in for, and tend to react to situations as they occur.

“Be proactive,” says Parr. “Parent with intention, rather than by the seat of your pants. Even if you lead parallel lives, you can maintain the same vision and be part of the same team.”

Again, you don’t have to start out with the same perspective; you just have to be willing to communicate, says Fineran. “You learn to consult each other so the child gets the benefit of both parents’ perspectives. Parents make a mistake to think they always have to cave in to the other’s way. There’s often a middle road. The only way to find out is if you’re open minded.”

Rabinowitz says parents should seek information and support, wherever they can find it. Talk to friends about their parenting experiences. Join or start a parenting group at your church or synagogue. Make connections with other parents from your children’s school or daycare center. Advocate for family-friendly policies at your workplace.

Be sure to also schedule time for family fun and meetings. According to Cohen, devoting time to your family might mean postponing some personal gratification. It might mean saying no a lot more often than you’d like. It might even mean turning down volunteer opportunities, until the kids are old enough to participate.

And keep in mind that it’s the “You’re-an-adult, get-up-and-go-get-it-yourself” syndrome that kills good feelings between marital partners. I point out how many people there are to love and nurture children (parents, teachers, friends, parents, music teachers, coaches…) vs. how many people your partner has for nurturing their simple acts of kindness—usually “0!” Except for you. And, if you have the “Get-it-yourself” syndrome, or worse, if you both have the “Get-it-yourself, I-have-children-to-take-care-of” syndrome, it won’t be too long before there is an affair — or, at the least, extreme loneliness. -Kelly Simpson (ActiveRelationships.com)

The above article is written by Barbara M. Ingber and appeared in the Richmond Parents Monthly, Tuesday April 1, 2003. Richmond Parents Monthly is available free at over 400 locations throughout Richmond, including all Ukrop’s and Walgreens, most libraries and malls. This particular article was sent to us from: Smartmarriages Sent: Friday, April 04, 2003 Subject: Marriage Matters: The Little Things Matter Most – 4/1/03

• HOW TO HAVE A HAPPY MARRIAGE WHEN YOU’RE BUSY PARENTS

•  HOW LAZY PARENTS MAKE HAPPIER KIDS AND STRONGER MARRIAGES

1. Insignificant and disrespected
Most replied that they felt a deep lack of respect from not only their wives, but from their children as well. “Respect is important to a man, and he doesn’t feel that when the children consistently come first,” said one man.

2. Unloved
Most men, unlike most women, associate love with actions instead of with feelings. When a woman places her children above her husband, her actions say to him that she loves the children more than she loves him. Though not as vocal about it as women, men desire to be deeply loved by their wives. It is difficult for a man to see his wife cherish the children, but treat him in a cool or casual manner.

3. Lonely
One of the man’s greatest needs is companionship, and he usually expects to find this in his relationship with his wife. “As my wife pours more and more of her life into being a mother, she pours less and less of it into being my wife,” said one man. “The friend I once had in my wife is now a friend to our children, but a stranger to me.” The lonelier a man becomes, the more vulnerable he is to outside temptation. Is your husband lonely because of the time you spend with your children? Are you in any way making him more vulnerable to the attentions of other women?

4. Unappreciated
Men appreciate being appreciated! Many men feel that their wives show greater appreciation to their children than they do to them. “If our daughter goes to a friend’s for the night, my wife misses her terribly,” said one husband. “When she comes home the next morning, my wife is ecstatic to see her and acts as if she’s been gone forever. I can be gone for days on a business trip, and my wife acts like I never left. Sometimes she even seems to resent my return home.” Does your husband know how important he is to you and how much you value him? Are you an appreciative wife?

5. Resentful and Angry
Though not a majority, some men stated that when their wives put their children first, they felt a sense of resentment and anger; some felt this way toward their children, others toward their wives. “My fifteen-year-old son walks through the door and my wife immediately asks abut his day or rubs his back if he’s tired. She pampers him constantly. I find myself resenting him, even though I know it isn’t his fault.” Is your husband frustrated or even jealous of your relationship with your children? Could it be that he feels left out or overlooked?

IDEAS TO CONSIDER

Maybe you’re sensing that you need a major overhaul in this area, or perhaps just some fine-tuning. Regardless, here are some ideas to consider:

1. Think positive thoughts.
For every positive thought you have of your children, think of two for your husband. Begin noticing the many things he does. Perhaps he sees to it that the house is locked up every night or helps you replace light bulbs. Men enjoy praise!

2. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
Often this comes easily with our children, but is more difficult with our husbands. Grant him the same gracious generosity that you so readily give your kids.

3. Be spontaneous.
Surprise him once a week with a random act of kindness. One woman recently discovered that her husband liked a slushy drink from a local convenience store. She began buying them for him. “He loves it when I do this. It’s such a simple thing to do, and lets him know I’m thinking about him.”

4. Invest in his stock.
Share with your children things you admire about their father. This lets them see how important your marriage is to you. Though it’s been said dozens of times, the way Mom sees Dad is the greatest influencer of how the children see him. Do this with others as well. Many women excel at communicating their children’s strengths, but not their husband’s. One woman pointed out that often friends will talk about their children in glowing terms, but when they talk about their husbands, they tend to talk about their weaknesses and inabilities. If you do this, stop! Commit to sharing with others only those things that build your husband up. Words are infectious and should be chosen wisely.

5. Make your bedroom a haven.
Too often this is the catchall room. Make an effort to keep it clean, organized, and inviting. One woman bought a small love seat and placed it in the master bedroom. This is where she and her husband spend a few moments together once they’ve gotten in the door at the end of the day. It shows their children that they value each other’s company as well. Burn a fragrant candle so that the room smells inviting and warm.

6. Cater to his quirks.
Many times we think our children’s quirks are cute but our husband’s are obnoxious. One woman discovered that her husband liked his sheets changed often, yet she preferred going longer between changings. “I fought this for years,” she said. “I thought he was being too obsessive. One day my daughter asked why I ignored her father’s request for clean sheets but always changed hers whenever she asked. I was shocked. I didn’t realize I did this. I suddenly saw that I was not only dismissing one of my husband’s rare requests, but I was also modeling wrong priorities for my daughter.”

7. Check your attitude.
Said one woman, “I was stunned one night when my husband told me that he wished I had the same attitude toward him that I had toward the kids. From his perspective, I bent over backward for them. I ran all over town to find my daughter the right dress or my son the right tennis shoes. But he said that if he asked me to stop at the hardware store and pick up a gallon of paint, I balked.” Our attitudes speak volumes to our husbands.

8. Pray for your husband.
This tip could go in every chapter. There is nothing like prayer to soften your heart and sharpen your focus.

9. Reintroduce pet names into your relationship.
Refrain from calling him “Dad” or Daddy.” Choose instead to call him by a name that shows your love and high regard for him as a husband.

Your husband may or may not respond as you re-prioritize your relationships. It really isn’t an issue, though, if you are doing it to honor God. Certainly it’s nice for him to notice and appreciate your efforts, but it isn’t necessary. God notices.

The above article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah www.multnomahbooks.com. This is a real down-to-earth book which is both inspiring yet practical, and helps those who read it to have a clearer understanding of God’s design for the married woman. The authors explain how, between the both of them, they bought into more than 40 years of modern day thinking, and eventually realized how it was sabotaging their marital relationships. As they explain, “Being politically correct kept our marriages in the ’stuck’ position for years-so much so that if you had taken a snapshot of our marriages during that time, you would have found cold hearts and unhappy husbands who were resigned to living with emotionally distant and often angry wives.”

They go on to say, “by God’s grace, we discovered a life-changing truth: Political correctness doesn’t work in a marriage. We were shocked to learn this! After all, we had spent years shaping our lives around this faulty view. Now, however, we consider that view to be utter foolishness and thank God every day for showing us the spiritual principles in His plan for marriage.” You’ll really want to read the wonderful lessons that the authors learned about marriage contained in this book.

And you’ll also want to read the terrific testimony titled, “Reflections on Proverbs 31″ that Connie Grigsby gives after the portion of the book shown above. In it she tells how God spoke to her heart after reading Proverbs 31-particularly verses 11 and 12. She came to realize how she had neglected to be as generous in giving her husband reasons to have “full confidence” in her as she did her children. She also realized through the Lord’s leading how she worked hard so her children lacked “for nothing of value” and yet her husband was much lower on her priority list where he could possibly feel that he wasn’t as loved, valued, and forgiven as their children were made to feel. She said,

“My children lacked nothing of value. As much as possible, I make sure of that. Though not overly indulged materially, their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs are of the utmost importance to me, and I gladly attempt to make sure they are met. Yet I don’t hold my husband’s needs in the same regard —or with the same urgency-or with the same joy.”

Excerpted from The Politically Incorrect Wife © 2000-2002 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

• If a married couple with children has 15 minutes of uninterrupted, non-logistical, non-problem-solving talk every day, I’d put them in the top 5% of all married couples. It’s an extraordinary achievement (Bill Doherty).

• Marriage is the foundation of the family and the family is the foundation of society: if we strengthen marriage, we strengthen the family, we strengthen the children and we strengthen the community. If your goal is to help improve the world, marriage is as good a place as any to start (Diane Sollee from www.smartmarriages.com)

• Never allow your children’s wants take precedence over your spouse’s needs (Dr Todd Linaman).

The above quotes give us a great springboard from which to discuss the subject of not allowing your children to come between you as husband and wife. To help you with this problem, the following article is an excerpt from the fun book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love (Plus we will have links to additional articles below):

We love our children more than words can say—we adore them, want the best for them, and, to a large degree, have dedicated our lives to them. They make our lives complete and there is no question that they are our top priority.

Yet, we love each other too. A ton! And we don’t just say this—we mean it. We’re great pals and best friends. We love to spend time together—to share, laugh, love one another, be silly, hang out, or just be quiet. We’re partners.

We decided long ago that nothing—not even our children—would ever come between us. Furthermore, we realized, early on, that one of the most important messages we could give our children was to set an example as two parents who truly love and like each other; two people who prioritize one another and look forward to being together—even though we have a family to nurture and care for.

It appears to have worked really well. Both our children know how we feel about each other. They realize, on a deep level, that we have a mutual respect and admiration for each other, that we stick up for one another, agree on most fronts, and, most of all, that we love each other. There is no question in either of their minds.

In fact, it’s so clear to both of them that, when Saturday morning rolls around, one of them will usually say something like, “Where are you guys going tonight?” or “Who gets to baby sit us tonight?” They assume we are going to go somewhere together because they know it’s important to us—just as it’s important for them to spend time with their best friends. To them, it would seem bizarre if we didn’t.

Every set of parents is obviously different and will have different values and degrees of comfort where this issue is concerned. Our goal isn’t to get other parents to prioritize their lives as we have. Yet, for us, we are positive that we are doing the right thing, not only for our relationship, but for our kids as well. Our guess is that their expectations regarding their boyfriends and future husbands will be fairly high. Our hope is that they will eventually seek partners who value not only their children (if they have them), but their relationships as well.

We know many parents who, even years after having children, rarely go out alone—and a few who never have. It has always seemed to us that, even if you didn’t like each other very much and if your only goal was to send a good message to your children about relationships—then you’d prioritize your relationships, at least once in a while. Otherwise, it would seem, they would grow up believing a “normal” relationship neither requires nor deserves any time or effort the relationship would be seen as secondary, if not dispensable.

It’s been said millions of times before—but worth repeating one more time: If you want a loving relationship, you must prioritize it and treat it as important. The truth is, you vote with your actions. You can say, “My marriage is really important,” but your actions may be saying something entirely different. You may virtually never spend time alone with your spouse, or go out alone with her. Hardly the way you would behave if your goal was to appear loving.

After all, you spend time with the kids and as a family, and you spend time at work, doing chores, shopping for “stuff,” and in front of the television—so why not with your so-called loved one? Is that what you would hope for with your child—that he or she would grow up and never, ever spend time alone with their spouse, once they had children?

Finally, when you spend time together, even though you have children, you send a powerful message to one another that each of you matters, so does your relationship. It’s harder to sweat the small stuff with your partner when you both know that you are important to the other. So, however you do it, and to whatever degree, consider the importance of putting your relationship first. If you do, everyone wins.

The above article came from the book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love… Simple Ways to Nurture and Strengthen Your Relationships While Avoiding the Habits That Break Down Your Loving Connection, by Richard Carlson, Ph.D. and Kristine Carlson, published by Hyperion. This is a good little book. And although it isn’t a Christian book we’ve found it to be very enjoyable and clean with a lot of great information.

-ALSO-

To help you further on this subject, please click onto the following article:

• ARE THE KIDS PULLING YOU APART?

• PARTNERS OR PARENTS?

• MARRIAGE COMES FIRST

• MARRIED, WITH PRODIGALS

If you have any additional tips you can share to help others, or you want to share with others in community, your requests for prayer and/or advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Why this sudden surge in marital discomfort? According to Gottman, it’s partly because parents are tired and don’t have a lot of time for themselves. Another reason is that parenting is much more work than most couples expect, and it’s easy to let the pressure come between them. Whatever the reasons, the important thing is finding a solution. After all, if there is one friend we probably take for granted more than any other, it’s our husband. And yet, no friendship is more precious, more valuable, and more important than the one we have with him.

Following are some of the most important tips I know for befriending your husband as the two of you struggle, dazed and confused, blissful and sleep-deprived, through the biggest challenge that will ever be presented to your relationship: parenthood.

Know Your Husband’s Fears: You may have had the baby, but he probably had a meltdown. “Pregnancy was nothing compared to this!” my husband blurted out just a month or so after we brought home our baby. Fatherhood is a huge adjustment for men. They may appear calm on the outside, but when a baby arrives most men feel like they’ve boarded a runaway train.

If you think you’re the only one who’s nervous at the prospect of being wholly responsible for the welfare and moral development of a living, breathing human being forever, you don’t have a clue about the sheer panic your husband is experiencing. After all, women at least come equipped to feed the precious bundle, while many new fathers are still trying to figure out how to fee themselves. The more you can tap into your husband’s feelings about being a dad—the good as well as the fearful feelings—the better your relationship will be.

To help you do this, consider some of the most commonly reported fears men have about fatherhood. One of them has to do with losing control. Your husband, for example may fear that no matter how hard he tries to protect the baby, something will go wrong. Other fears have to do with loss. Does your husband fear losing his sense of adventure or his leisure time? Many men fear that youth as they know it will end when they become dads. But perhaps the most important fear worth exploring with your husband is his potential feeling that you may love the baby more than you love him. Whatever his specific fears, it will be well worth your time to gently explore them.

Speak Your Spouse’s Language: Studies have found that if couples understand each other’s goals, worries, hopes, and fears, as well as the details of each other’s day, it protects them from a dramatic upheaval in their relationship. With that in mind, it only makes sense that you take some time to brush up on your communication skills.

1. Send clear and accurate messages. Precise statements facilitate good communication, while imprecise statements hinder it. Consider the difference between these two statements: “The way you treat me really hurts” versus “I feel hurt when I think you take all my work with the baby for granted.” The latter statement is far more likely to result in a sane conversation than the first (which is guaranteed to leave your husband clueless as to what you are referring).

2. Avoid incongruent messages. Do not send simultaneous messages with mutually exclusive meanings. How many messages are contained in the following statements? “There is nothing wrong! And I don’t want to talk about it!” Most often, those types of messages come from a statement that is not in sync with the person’s facial expression or tone of voice. When you say “I’m happy to make dinner,” but your tone and posture indicate that you are definitely not happy to do so, you are sending an incongruent message destine to cause a communication breakdown.

3. Be empathetic. Empathy can be defined as listening with your head as well as your heart to truly understand what your spouse is thinking, feeling and experiencing. Empathy involves putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagining what that would be like from his perspective. When your husband tells you about feeling rejected by someone at work, for example, put yourself in his position. Use your heart to imagine how you would feel if rejected. Then use your head to accurately understand if what you would be feeling is the same as what he is feeling. Every time you empathize, you will be better able to understand what your spouse is saying.

4. Be generous with supportive and positive statements. We all like to feel good about ourselves. When we give recognition to our spouse, when we compliment his accomplishments, and when we reassure him of how important he is to us, we not only make him feel better, we build a stronger foundation for communication. When we feel supported and are supportive, many of the other basic communication skills fall more naturally into place.

Sharing the Parenting Load: One of the most important things couples can do is share the parenting load together. Research has found that successful couples, those couples who do not experience a significant drop in marital satisfaction after their first baby, share parenting responsibilities more equally. This means that dads need to pitch in on baby care. One of the best ways to have this happen is to let your husband know how important his help is to you. And when he does help, affirm the job he is doing. Your affirmation will do more than just about anything to help you hold onto your friendship with him.

Consider His Approach to Bringing Up Baby: Conflict inevitably arises when you and your husband have radically, or even slightly different approaches to caring for your child. To maintain the marriage you want it is essential to sidestep the “my way is better than yours” approach to parenting. In many homes, this problem arises because the mother thinks it’s her job to take complete control on the child-rearing front. The typical result: Mom elbows Dad out of the child-rearing chores and takes on too much herself, then begins to resent her husband for not doing his part. Dad, meanwhile, is building up a lot of resentment for being left out. It’s a vicious cycle that drives couples apart and shatters romance.

One way to avoid such conflict is to make sure your husband gets some time alone with the baby. That may not always be easy—for Dad or Mom—but it’s often worth the extra effort. Even when Baby John was a few months old, I made it a point to find special activities that my husband and he could do that did not involve me. That way I couldn’t nitpick, and it allowed me to gain more confidence in my husband’s ability to handle John on his own (not to mention the time it gave me to do something for myself).

Let Him Know You Remember Your Sex Life: Okay. So you’ve been pawed, sucked, pinched, and gummed all day [by your baby]. The last thing on your mind is sex. Too bad. You’re not the only one in this marriage. Not that you should completely set aside your own desires and become hot-to-trot in a new negligee each night between making baby bottles and changing diapers on less than three consecutive hours of sleep. But in case you haven’t noticed, your husband’s sex drive, in spite of the same lack of sleep, hasn’t diminished since your baby came home.

Now, if he’s relatively sensitive, he knows you’re not thinking about sex. Maybe he hasn’t even mentioned it. But he’s thinking about it, you can be assured of that. And all he really needs is a sign, some small signal that allows him to keep hope alive.

One of a husband’s greatest fears after becoming a father is that sex as he remembers it is over. Kaput! Gone! He wonders if you will ever again be the creature that invites romantic play. He wonders if you’ll now forever be so tired that your bed is used only for sleep. Each time you kiss and hug your baby, then look to your husband and say, “Could you hand me a diaper and some wipes?” he wonders if even a semblance of your sex life will ever get back on track. So talk to him. Let him know you are still attracted to him. Tell him you’re looking forward to a chance when you can be more romantic. Flirt with him once in a while—without being only a tease.

Remain a Couple: One of the biggest mistakes most new parents make is to neglect the things they did as a couple before they were parents. The only topic of daily conversation has to do with everything baby: from the child’s spit-up and drool to his each and every move. Have you fallen into this hazardous trap? Since you became parents, have you forgotten you were partners?

After Baby John was born, I’ll never forget the first time my husband and I felt once again like a couple. One evening, many weeks into the venture of parenthood, John fell asleep a little earlier than usual. We popped some popcorn, stuck a new-released video into the VCR, propped our feet up, and snuggled on the couch. I don’t think either of us stayed awake until the end of the movie, but that didn’t matter. It was the gesture, the message we were sending to ourselves that mattered: “We are still a couple, and our life will go on as a couple.”

Since then, we’ve learned to set aside one evening out of our week where the baby-sitter comes in and we go out as a couple. If you’re not doing something that helps you keep your couplehood together—if it seems that this week that will send a different message to your husband.

Celebrate in Small Ways: Parenting a preschooler can seem like a hundred-hour workweek. Some day you can barely keep your wits together, even with the help of Extra Strength Tylenol. But in the midst of baby-proofing electrical outlets, racing to the store to pick up more formula, phoning your child’s pediatrician to reschedule a follow-up appointment, and slathering your child with sunscreen, you can find joy.

A deep, abiding sense of well-being surges in moments when you realize that you and your husband have created a life together. And that joy, so indescribable, is meant to be shared. Don’t neglect the small celebrations, the momentary merriment that is a gift to every parent. Share these times, these feelings, with your husband. Bring him into your joyful heart. It’s too easy and too costly to assume he knows how happy you are. Your small celebrations will go a long way toward helping the two of you walk the parenting path not just as friends, but as soul mates.

The above article came from the book, If You Ever Needed Friends, It’s Now, written by Leslie Parrott www.realrelationships.com one of the little books for Busy Moms published by Zondervan Publishing House. In this book Leslie Parrott shows you how you can learn to nurture great friendships, find fellowship with other mothers, and make sure that friendship doesn’t end up at the bottom of your list. This wise little book will help you adjust your expectations for friendships, find new friends, and let go of old friends when necessary. If You Ever Needed Friends, It’s Now, is a guide to being a good friend—and a good mom, too.

What they didn’t realize was that they were not only giving birth to a new human, they were giving birth to a new marriage. Ready or not, they were about to be sucked into a huge force that would propel them through a passage where they would emerge changed. Every new mom and dad go through it.

When you have a child, you are still yourself, but now, as a mother or father, you are some new version of yourself. And you are standing in the middle of some new version of your marriage. Make no mistake about it, the birth of each child signals a serious and permanent alteration in your marriage. The alteration is, of course, deeply enriching if not miraculous, but for the majority of couples it is also somewhat confusing, if not downright challenging.

Studies show that when baby makes three, conflicts increase eightfold, marriage takes a backseat, women feel overburdened, and men feel shoved aside. By the baby’s first birthday, most mothers are less happy about their marriage, and some are wondering whether their marriage will even make it. Baby-induced marital meltdowns are not uncommon.

With the help of researchers like John Gottman, at the University of Washington, here’s what we know for sure. In the year after the first baby arrives, 70 percent of wives experience a precipitous plummet in their marital satisfaction.

For the husband, the dissatisfaction usually kicks in later, as a reaction to his wife’s unhappiness. The problems have little to do with whether the baby is colicky or a good sleeper, or whether the mother is working or staying at home. It simply has to do with how a little addition shifts the whole dynamic within a household.

How can something as good as a little baby turn a marriage so bad? We could point to a wide range of reasons: lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated, the awesome responsibility of caring for such a helpless little creature, juggling chores and other economic stress, and lack of time to oneself, among other things.

The root reason, however, is no big mystery. In plain language, children take time and attention away from a marriage. They suck all the hours out of the day and fill up every spare cell in your brain. Being a parent is wonderful, only somehow, it’s made being a spouse different.

“Before kids, I was thrilled to hear my husband’s voice on the phone,” said Judy, a few years into motherhood. “Now after a day of meetings and phone calls and carpools and wet swimsuits, I sometimes wonder who is this guy who seems to want food, an audience and-he’s got to be joking-sex?”

Isn’t it romantic?

Of course not. But a lack of romance and connection isn’t inevitable during this phase of marriage. The fact is, these are the good times, and that guy leafing through his mail oblivious to the baby’s cries is your partner. That woman who used to give you back rubs and is now busy cleaning peanut butter off door handles is your soul mate.

Someday you’re going to look back on this period fondly—but only if both of you can keep this good thing from turning bad. The experts offer a primary suggestion: Expand your sense of “one-ness” to “we-ness” to include your children.

Motherhood brings every new mom a bassinet full of new feelings. She has never felt a love as deep and selfless as the one she feels for her child. She almost always experiences a profound new meaning in her life. She discovers she is willing to make enormous sacrifices for her child. “The experience is so life-altering,” says John Gottman, “that if her husband doesn’t go through it with her, it is understandable that distance would develop between them.”

So the key to keeping a good marriage good while mom is experiencing an intensely wonderful transformation is for dad to undergo the same thing. In other words, marital success has everything to do with whether the husband experiences the transformation to parenthood along with his wife. If not, he gets left behind, pining for the old “us,” while his wife is embracing a new sense of “we-ness” that includes their child.

A new father often resents how little time his wife has for him (especially in their sex life) now that they have a baby. He resents how tired she always is. He loves his child, but he wants his wife back the way she was.

What’s a husband to do? Get over his whining and follow her into the new realm she has entered. He has to become a father as well as a husband. He must cultivate feelings of pride, tenderness, and protectiveness for his offspring. In other words, he must see his journey into parenthood as a sign and an opportunity for significant personal growth.

All the responsibility for navigating a good marriage through the unknown channels of parenthood does not rest with the husband alone. A new mother often resents the lack of emotional romance her husband now brings to the marriage. He’s changed, you may think. He’s more distant.

In actuality, his efforts to embrace this new “we-ness” have probably sidetracked the energy he put into your old romance. And the more stock you put in romance before the baby was born, the more loss you will feel when your busy husband seems disconnected.

If you were taught to believe that happy couples must be romantic ones, you may mourn the loss of romance way out of proportion to its worth. “But it’s so little to ask,” you say. “Just a bunch of flowers once in a while to let me know he remembers.” If you give romance more importance than it deserves, you may become even more troubled and say, “Maybe he’s lost interest in me.”

The problem for parents with this kind of reasoning is found in how they define romance. We tend to think of it as that knee-weakening, heart-pounding, earth-moving spasm that occurs with our spouse.

But is it realistic to expect that kind of dazzle during motherhood? Maybe, but probably not to the degree you enjoyed it before kids came along. A moonlit stroll with your new husband, for example, is distinctly different from that same stroll six years later, when you’ve wrestled the kids to bed, the sink is filled with dirty dishes, and you still have laundry to do. Romance need not end with parenthood, but it may need to take a new form while your husband works to find his place as a father.

The bottom line? As a new mom and new dad, you each have your role in keeping a good marriage going. Dads need to work at entering their wives’ new world, and moms need to give their husbands space to do so. But you both need to expand your sense of “one-ness” to “we-ness.”

The above edited article came from the excellent book, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, published by Zondervan Publishing House. In this book, the Parrotts explain why every marriage starts out good but inevitably bumps into bad things. No matter how good your marriage is, it’s vulnerable to having this happen. Bad things happen to the best of marriages. The question isn’t whether you’ll face struggles as a couple, but how you’ll handle them when they come.

The stories and insights contained in this book of couples who have made it through the worst will encourage you that your marriage is worth fighting for, not just because quitting is so devastating but because the rewards of sticking it out are so great.

Not only will you have brand-new things to discuss, but you will also have more conflicts to resolve. Working together to openly discuss changing needs, emotional reactions, and newly identified expectations will help reduce the conflicts that will likely arise if these things are not discussed.

Once the baby arrives, you may ask, “Whatever happened to sleeping in, spontaneity, late-night movies, and holding hands?” Baby happened, that’s what. No matter how much you each wanted this new little bundle of joy, you need to be prepared for rough waters ahead.

The changes that occur at the birth of your first child are immeasurable, and at some point you will realize that life will never be the same again. This stage includes an emotional roller coaster such as you could never have imagined. You go from the joy of seeing your new creation for the first time to the fear of being inadequate as a parent, from the pride of watching your child develop and learn each new skill to the loneliness of feeling disconnected from your spouse. And on and on the roller coaster goes.

This new stage of your relationship requires that you change certain expectations of how much energy you will have at the end of the day for conversation or housework. How you define closeness and intimacy may need to be changed as well.

Be aware of changes in your personal emotional needs. Mom often begins to develop an emotional need for family commitment that was not there before. She may need to see her husband actively participating in the parenting and will feel close to him as she watches him in his role as a father.

On the other hand, dad often develops an increased need to feel he is providing adequately for his new family. The responsibilities of finances and job may increase his need for admiration from his wife for the role he is performing. As these emotional needs change, it is essential that you identify them within yourself and then talk to your spouse. I have yet to meet the spouse who is a flawless mind reader; so if you want your spouse to know that your needs are changing, then say so.

The new stresses that flood into new parents’ lives seem unending. You are now dealing with identifying your new roles as mom and dad when you most likely had barely gotten the hang of being husband and wife. You are also learning the new skills of infant care and parenting and are physically drained by the never-ending need for attention from your little one. All this is mixed with increased conflicts with your spouse over role responsibilities, lack of emotional and physical support, and changes in your sexual relationship.

Top that all off with increased financial demands, and you have the perfect formula for a major drop in marital satisfaction. Actually, research shows that there is a significant drop in perceived marital satisfaction and an increase in marital conflicts after the birth of the first child. This drop in satisfaction is usually greater for the wife and is still present at the end of the first year. Why might this be?

There are two major threats to the marital bond, and they begin here, in the first quarter of parenting. What are they? Lack of time and lack of energy. The feelings of grief at a loss of couple time, feelings of disconnectedness from your spouse, feelings of jealousy about the amount of time and attention baby is receiving, and the loss of energy all cause a great shift in the intimacy pattern. If the couple does not recognize these threats and deal with them openly, they may begin to feel even more alone and isolated from each other.

The most changed aspect of the new parents’ lives is the aspect of time. The time available for sleeping, eating, watching television, talking, sex, and even bathroom time seems to have just disappeared. Eating and napping schedules make parents more aware than ever of the clock. This constant awareness tends to make the new parents feel as though time is always running out. You can no longer take things for granted, and what used to come easily now takes more effort than you feel able to give.

Not only is a couple’s perception of time changing, but the actual amount of time that they can choose what to do with decreases tremendously. A couple will have only about one-third as much discretionary time after the baby is born as they had before their first child. With the overwhelming demands of caring for a new baby added to all the requirements of daily living already present, something is going to have to give. And unfortunately, that “something” is usually the marriage, and more specifically-the spouse. After all, isn’t he or she big enough to take care of himself or herself?

It is easy to let the other supposedly independent adult in the house take a backseat to the crying baby and just about everything else. The dishes are not going to wash themselves, and the laundry isn’t going to fold itself, but we convince ourselves that the marriage is going to grow itself. Of course, this is not true. We must work on reestablishing priorities to make sure that the marital relationship ranks higher than dirty diapers and dishes.

Here are a few suggestions to help try to make the most of the time you do have available:

• Be selective about what outside commitments you make. Be willing to say no to friends, family, work events, and so forth. Your time as a couple is so limited that you must first take into account the amount of time the two of you have together before planning outside engagements. Avoid over-committing, and set priorities for your time. There are only so many hours in a day or week. You cannot expect to keep doing everything you have always done once you start adding children to the list of daily requirements.

• Take advantage of nap time or early morning time. While the baby is still asleep, enjoy a cup of coffee together and chat about your day. You may want to read the paper together and share your thoughts or simply hold hands and snuggle while you watch the news or a favorite television program.

• Turn the television off. Television is not evil, but if no limited, it can eat up a lot of precious time. If you are in the habit of having the television on even when you have no intention of watching it, you probably have realized how easy it is to get drawn into something that you would never have chosen to watch. Plan ahead by being selective about which television programs you want to watch. When the program is over, turn the television set off.

The second of the two most deadly threats to marital stability and satisfaction has to do with the lack of energy you have available to devote to your relationship. You feel as though you are constantly running on empty during the first few months (and sometimes years) of parenting. Sleep deprivation is a given for any couple with a baby in the house, and it is one of the biggest culprits in stealing our energy…

Here are some suggestions to help couples learn to improve their energy and savor what limited energy they do have available:

Ten Steps to Survive and Thrive through the First Quarter

1. Be flexible and do no expect perfection. Remember, everything is changing, and it takes time to adjust and find your way through this new maze of responsibilities and roles. Being flexible, both with yourself and your spouse, will reduce tension. There is no “right” way to parent. You will develop a routine that works for the two of you and your baby.

Do not worry if it is not the same as the way some of your friends are doing it. Avoid setting unrealistic expectations for either of you or the baby. Be sure to take time to share with each other if you feel that unrealistic expectations are forming, and then discuss these openly.

2. Find a balance. For now, the needs and demands of your baby will likely take center stage in this three-ring circus you are calling a marriage. But remember, there are two other rings to attend to as well—you and your spouse. Doing little things to take care of your spouse and yourself can make all the difference in the world. While the baby naps, do something for one or both of you instead of focusing on catching up on household chores. For example, take a nap, call a friend, read a magazine, or chat with your spouse.

3. Talk to each other every day. Take time every day to check in with each other. Talk about changing expectations and needs, division of labor, disappointments and fears about parenting, whatever you want—just keep talking. Remember that communication involves both talking and listening. You need to be the best listener you can possibly be if you want your spouse to continue to share with you his or her deepest thoughts, feelings, fears, and needs.

4. Get out of the house. This can be with or without the baby, because both can be fun. Fresh air, fresh faces, and fresh conversation can help you avoid feeling that the world is passing you by. Get out there and be a part of the activities that you and your spouse choose together. This will help contain feelings of loneliness and isolation that many parents of young children experience.

5. Develop a couple-centered, not a child-centered, relationship. This is the first time in your relationship that you have to choose who really comes first. Starting right here and now, determine that the couple comes before the children. The order of priorities must be God first, marriage second, and children third if you want your marriage to continue to grow stronger through each of the consecutive stages.

If you make your children your number one or even number two priority, their never-ending need for attention will eat up everything you have to give, and the rest of your life will suffer because of it. Love your children, provide for them, and meet their needs. But remember that one of their most important needs is to have parents who really love each other.

6. Become co-parents, not compulsive parents. One of the major problems I see couples having today has to do with the “super-parent” role so many of us believe we have to take on. Moms and dads alike (usually moms more than dads at this stage) can fall into the trap of believing they are the only person who can adequately care for the baby. Somehow they forget that many a parent has come and gone before them and has learned to care adequately for these helpless little creatures just as they have.

But when it comes to their baby, they are convinced that it has to be done a certain way, and no one can do it as well as they can. This can even apply to the other parent. Becoming a compulsive parent will only isolate you and eventually lead to parenting burnout. Parents need breaks and need to support each other.

7. Redefine romance. Let’s face it, intimacy and romance as they were once defined become much more difficult once you become a parent. The availability of privacy and time for just the two of you may seem almost nonexistent. And when it is available, you may not have the energy to focus or perform.

During this stage of parenting, find new ways to stay connected physically. You may find yourselves touching more often in nonsexual ways and wanting to cuddle up together at night, even though you may not desire anything more. Be patient with each other in this area, and remind each other that “this too shall pass” and you will be able to regain spontaneous, uninterrupted lovemaking in the future.

8. Establish an outside support network. This includes friends and family you can call on for help on an especially stressful day or who are there as a sounding board and to offer advice. This also includes anyone you can hire to help out with daily chores such as housecleaning, laundry, meal preparation, and lawn mowing. And don’t forget those moms’ groups, Bible studies, and couples from church that can help fill your need for adult conversation. If someone offers to help out, accept! Don’t try to go it alone.

9. Schedule couple time. Busy couples do not just find time for each other; they make time for each other. Taking time to connect with your spouse every day is an essential element to keeping a marriage strong. Remember to kiss every day, hug each other as you leave and return home, sit together holding hands while you watch television. These little connection times can make all the difference in the world in helping the two of you feel treasured by each other.

Set aside a large block of time to spend together at least once a week. Hire a babysitter, get away from the house and baby, and remember who you married and why. You did not get married to have children; you got married because you were in love with each other. Now, while you are raising children, keep reminding each other what it is you love about each other. Spending time together, dating, and talking with each other are the best ways to do this.

10. Develop a sense of humor, because when all else fails (and it probably will at least once in a while), it helps to laugh!

The above edited article came from the book, Child-proofing Your Marriage, by Dr Debbie Cherry, published by Life Journey (a division of Cook Communications Ministries). In this book Dr Cherry provides easy-to-follow directions to help couples avoid the pitfalls of growing apart. Learning to nurture your marriage while nurturing your children is a priceless skill that may just save your marriage. Preview or purchase this book now.

•  TRICKLE-DOWN PARENTING: YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR TODDLER

But have you ever thought about what that does to their out-look in life if they appear to be the center of attention —the center of our universe?

And have you thought about what does it do to your marriage, when you keep shoving aside your needs and the needs of your marital “partner”? Is your spouse simply a partner in producing a child and/or a partner in parenting, or are they your partner in every aspect of your life?

Most of you didn’t start your marriage as parents, and someday (if both of you and your marriage is still alive) you’ll end up together —just the two of you.

Have you thought of that or planned for that?

We’ve seen so many marriages eventually crumble after the children leave home. It’s called “Empty-nest divorce.” And it’s becoming more and more common because we’re allowing our children to be the center of our lives together and when the children leave home the marriage dissolves because there wasn’t anything built to sustain it.

It’s the house built upon the rock concept where you need to build your house strong upon a solid base before the storms come (or the children leave home).

So, to help you with this mission, we’d like to refer you to an article published by Marriage Partnership Magazine. Please click below to read:

A CHILD-CENTERED LIFE

To read more on this subject, you will find below a web site link to an article that was written for HomeLife Magazine. Please click onto the link to read:

THE CHILD-DRIVEN MARRIAGE

Two other articles which are featured on the CrossWalk.com web site talk about the effects of what happens when a child enters into the marriage and the readjustments that are necessary to take place. Please click onto the links below to read:

KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE ALIVE WHILE CARING FOR A NEWBORN

TRICKLE-DOWN PARENTING: Your Marriage and Your Toddler

And then, to help you to re-connect, here is another article that can help you with that mission. It’s also featured on Cross Walk.com:

REDISCOVER ROMANCE AFTER PARENTING

An article posted on the web site for Family Life Today discusses how children can dominate your marriage if you don’t find creative ways to make that less so. Please click onto the link below:

THOSE LITTLE “FOXES” THAT ROB MARRIAGE OF ROMANCE

And finally, there is a lot of controversy about having your children sleep in your marriage bed overnight, but one thing that is for sure, if your marriage isn’t nurtured (as well as your children) the marriage may not survive, and then the children as well as both of you lose out BIG TIME! Please click onto the link below for the Family Life Today website to read more on this:

YOUR MARRIAGE COMES FIRST

Being unified means understanding that this is not a one-person show.

The strength of your union will show in the day-to-day application of the plan you agree on. No matter how much the two of you agree to make your parenting and discipline decisions together, there will be times where one of you is put in a position of having to make an on-the-spot decision.

Although your basic, agreed-upon guidelines will help in making that decision, that is no guarantee that you will end up choosing what your spouse would have chosen. Disagreements are bound to occur. How you handle these situations will tell both you and your children just how united the two of you really are.

Here are some suggestions to help keep up a united front:

1. Don’t argue about parenting or discipline decisions in front of the children. This includes situations where you are both present and need to intervene with your child, as well as situations where one of you had to make a decision without the other present. If you are both present and struggling to come up with an agreeable solution, call a time-out. The two of you should retreat… and discuss this situation privately. During that private time, work on a solution you can agree on. When you return to your child, present the decision with a united front.

2. Support the decisions your spouse makes. Let’s say you were gone for the afternoon and came home to find that your spouse has banned your son from the computer for two weeks for what seems to you like a minor offense. Don’t say, “Two weeks? You have to be kidding!” All that does is undermine your spouse’s authority and inform your son that there is a weak link in the parenting team. Even if you do not agree on how the situation was handled, show support of your spouse in front of the child. Take time later to talk about it privately and hear the whole story. You may realize that you can now better understand the outcome.

If you still are not in agreement with your spouse, you have two choices. First, you may decide within yourself whether this is really a battle worth fighting. Is the world going to end if you decide to support and follow through with the decision already made? Probably not. So unless the situation is really going to cause some long-term damage, seriously consider supporting it.

The second option is to express to your spouse the reasons for your disagreement. Once the two of you have reached a mutually agreed-upon resolution, present that to your child as a team. Let your child know that the two of you have discussed this and have decided together to overturn the previous decision.

3. Don’t allow your kids to play you against each other. “Mom said I could play next door”.. “Dad told me it was okay to listen to that CD.” Sound familiar? We have all experienced the “Mom-said-Dad-said” strategy from our children (and if we’re honest, we all tried it ourselves when we were young).

This is an obvious “divide and conquer” technique that can cause considerable damage to the parenting team. If you fall into the trap of simply believing that the other parent actually did say whatever your child claims, you likely will find yourself arguing with your spouse before you even check it out. “I can’t believe you told [him] he could listen to that CD”… And before your spouse can confirm or deny saying that, you two are off and running (and your son is listening to his CD).

[Children] may keep asking until they get the answer they want. Many children will ask one parent to do something. If the child does not like the answer, it’s off to ask the other parent. Without knowing that you have already said no, your spouse may say yes. Now having gotten the “right” answer, your child gleefully goes about doing whatever he or she had been told not to do (at least by one of you). This not only shows your children that your team is not unified, it also likely will be the source of additional conflicts between the two of you.

The best defense against this strategy is a simple, “Let’s go check with your mom (or dad) about this.” Once your children know that you will be checking in with each other and making decisions together, you will have rendered this technique useless.

Successful teams are the ones whose members have learned to work together to accomplish their mutual goals. They understand and respect the importance of each [other's] contribution to the [family]. They have learned that they can accomplish so much more when they do it together than if they were each trying to go it alone. Successful teams have learned to cooperate.

Coparenting happens when the [married couple] decides to cooperate in all areas of parenting. It means doing things together and accepting that you are both equally responsible for raising your children. When you co-parent, you work together to set family rules and consequences, decide on family responsibilities, and manage the daily requirements of the home. Anything that involves parenting involves both parents.

The concept of co-parenting has grown over the past few decades as more and more families have become dual-income families. With both parents working outside the home, couples have started to divide the requirements of running the home more evenly.

More and more fathers participate in household responsibilities such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, and childcare. But even if you are one of those families where one parent (not always the mom anymore) works at home while the other works outside the home, you will still benefit from learning to cooperate in the parenting process.

One of the most important points to remember as you work to develop a coparenting team is to avoid comparing yourself to other[s]… Each parenting team is unique and holds within it a unique set of strengths and weaknesses. When you realize that no two teams are alike, you will understand why comparing your[selves]… to any other team is just asking for trouble. What you find that seems to work best for your [family] may not work for others. And what they discover works for them may fail miserably within your home…

Focus on the strengths and talents God has created within your team. When you focus on being who God has asked you to be and doing that to the best of your ability, you will become the best spouse and parent you can possibly be.

Reflection Questions:

Whose Team Are You On?

1. How well do you feel you and your spouse are working together as a team? What are your strengths? What needs to improve?

2. Have you and your spouse developed a parenting “playbook” in which you have agreed on the various specific parenting interventions? If not, when will you?

3. Are you and your spouse presenting a united front to your children? If you are intentionally or unintentionally sabotaging each other what can you do to change?

4. How do you handle it when you disagree with a parenting decision your spouse has made? If your response is ineffective, how will you change it?

5. When your children try the “mom-said-dad-said” tactic, how do you respond?

6. What strengths and weaknesses do each of you have as parents? How do you complement each other in these areas?

Prayer topic:
Thank God for putting the two of you together as a team, and for his being the “manager.” Ask for His help as you work together to meet the challenges of parenting.

The above edited article came from the book, Child-proofing Your Marriage, by Dr Debbie Cherry, published by Life Journey (a division of Cook Communications Ministries). In this book Dr Cherry provides easy-to-follow directions to help couples avoid the pitfalls of growing apart. Learning to nurture your marriage while nurturing your children is a priceless skill that may just save your marriage.

It’s become an increasingly common issue today for couples to spend their childrearing years nurturing their children at the expense of their marriage! Couples tend to think, “After the children are gone, we’ll get to be a couple again.” In many cases, by the time the kids are off to college, so much distance has crept in that couples hardly know each other. But this scenario can easily be avoided! Divorces can be prevented and arguments avoided when couples discover the importance and the principles of being couple-focused rather than child-focused.

Many couples are dealing with this dilemma because sadly, millions of couples are struggling with infertility.

What happened to the many dreams these couples brought with them into marriage? Does every other dream pale because the one dream of having a child isn’t happening?

And if all of your concentration in your married life centers around making a baby, can that become your “idol” —”an object of ardent and excessive devotion and admiration?”

That’s a good question that’s addressed in an article that’s posted on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine, written by Marshall Adams. It deals with this and other questions like, “what happens to the marriage if you aren’t able to have children?”

Immediately following this article there is another story of another couple who faced that same dilemma and what they found helped them. And then there is another featured article that deal with, “Living Life Despite the Pain” that you might benefit from reading. To do so, click on the link below:

Married Without Children

And then there is an article posted that talks about the pain of “secondary infertility” and how it affected, or you could even say, “infected” the relationship of one couple and how they came to terms with it. As it says in the article, “The pain of secondary infertility may not end, but the loneliness can.” Click below to read this helpful article:

The Waiting Game

When you’re done reading the above article:

Among others, the prophets Malachi and Zechariah proclaimed that a messenger (John the Baptist) would be sent to prepare for the coming of Christ. And, Jesus tells us He has been preparing a place for us in Heaven (John 14:2) for almost 2000 years. According to God’s Word, important arrivals require a time of preparation!

It is no exception that an adoption will required a type of preparation. Long before my husband and I began to consider adoption as an alternative to biological children, God was preparing us for this future event. He was moving on our hearts and clearing away obstacles so that we would be equipped to effectively parent our child.

Whether biological or adopted, children add a new dimension to the regular routine in our lives and their needs will immediately become the primary concern of the entire family. And, if our home life and marriage is not working well before the child arrives, the added stressors of adoption will affect their ultimate success.

Ask God to show you the areas in your personal life you will need to address before you are best prepared to bring a new baby or child into your home. Solomon, son of King David, instructs us in Proverbs that before we set our plans in action, we are to consult with wise counsel (Proverbs 20:18). Our marriages are always a good place to start in getting our house in order. You might be surprised at where God’s preparation will lead you.

The Lord was my strength during our adoption process, but my partners in prayer became my system of support. Knowing I had such special friends praying with me at every new step in the process gave me reassurance and encouragement. However, most importantly, my husband and I began praying for the well-being of our prospective child.

Whether this child had been conceived or not, or was currently living in a difficult environment, he needed our prayer support. And, a special spiritual link developed between me, my spouse and my child as we began to pray. The prayers you offer your future child, even before you physically know him, will begin to provide eternal value for his salvation and future relationship with Christ.

Pray for protection and provision within his current situation by asking God to guard his heart and mind against evil in his current surroundings. God can place a “hedge of protection” around and about him while he is in this delicate stage of developing and growing. Most importantly, ask the Lord to begin preparing him for the transition and adjustment into his new family.

Without previous experience with children, we needed to prepare ourselves to become effective parents. By reading books about child development, discipline and talking to friends about their experiences with parenting, we gathered ideas and concepts with which to build upon later. I knew a pediatrician would be critical in assisting with the good health of my child so I began a search that led me to one I believed would work well with our family. Through his private practice, he had some experience with international children and I saw this as an advantage.

As our Home Study was completed and approved, we were constantly educating ourselves about the unique issues associated with adopted children. My husband and I talked to parents of both domestic and internationally adopted children discussing the variety of experiences resulting in their daily challenges. One of our friends with multiple adopted children was a vast resource of information. Also, our agency provided names and phone numbers of recent adoptive parents for us to talk with.

Many helpful couples shared with us where they congregated for age appropriate parks, playgrounds, restaurants, museums and other toddler friendly environments to facilitate learning and friendships. Being older parents, we did not have many friends with young children at home.

Therefore, during our time of preparation, I began making efforts to develop friendships with older parents of young children in our church. I began seeking out those parents with adopted children as well because I wanted my son to develop some friendships with children having a similar background. Later, these friendships were invaluable for sharing stories, parenting techniques and prayer requests.

One of the most significant problems that can arise with an adopted child is with their ability to successfully bond and attach with their new parents. Dr. Gregory Keck, author of the very insightful book, Adopting The Hurt Child, states that most professionals agree the first eighteen to thirty-six months of a child’s life are the most critical to developing healthy bonding and attachment to others.

He says that in a healthy bonding cycle a child will learn that if he has a need, someone will gratify that need, where the gratification leads to the development of his trust in others. Failure for a bonding cycle to complete successfully will give way to lifelong implications. However, Dr. Keck provides hope for the adoptive parent believing these problems can be overcome saying,

“It is our firm belief that children hurt by abuse and neglect can learn to love and trust adults in a family setting. Growth and development continue throughout the life span, and it is rarely too late for a child to change.”

Orphaned and abandoned children certainly have had a disadvantaged start in life. However, in this day and age, there is much information and help to be obtained in dealing with each new challenge. Issues may manifest, disappear, and then manifest again several times during the lifetime of an adopted child, but we need to remain hopeful and confident of their future because in most cases, we are their only source of hope.

Adoptions are rarely performed on our timetable. Even though God was definitely directing each step of the way in our adoption process, at each turn in the road there were unexpected delays and problems. In August, through photographs and video we were introduced to our Romanian child, but we did not go to Romania to bring him home until the next April. From the time we submitted our application until the time we brought Valentin home, about 14 months had passed.

In the beginning stage of filing for adoption, we were asked to complete a Child Medical Profile Questionnaire. For the first time in the process, we were faced with the possibility of raising a less than perfect child. Even though biological children are most always not physically perfect, I had not considered all the implications minor and major deformities might have on a child’s life. We were asked questions as to the severity of different medical needs we were willing to accept in a child. Some of the medical needs were correctable and some were not.

Together, my husband and I discussed the severe disorders and we agreed that we were not able to accept an untreatable disorder in a child. The process also forced us to consider whether we were willing to accept the known as well as the unknown disorders. I believe the unknown is more difficult to accept, because an unknown disorder can manifest itself at any time during the child’s life. Most internationally adopted children have little to no medical history available about their parents, giving way to all sorts of possibilities.

However, it is important to keep this in the right perspective. Even biological children can have unusual medical conditions surface without a trace of history in the family. This was the case for my husband. At the age of fifteen he was diagnosed with a rare form of Muscular Dystrophy. This disease is untreatable and degenerative. No one in his family history had ever been known to have this disease. It was a biological abnormality.

However, despite his diagnosis, God greatly blessed his life of forty-four years. He went on mission trips, owned Christian bookstores, earned his doctorate, married, became a popular Christian marriage and family therapist, authored a best-selling book, traveled and spoke at seminars, and for a few short years, was a father to a son. And, because of my long-term and intimate relationship with him, I learned many invaluable lessons about trusting in God from one day to the next for His great grace and mercy. Disease in the life a child changes the families’ focus to re-establish what is most important in our lives.

By the time we submitted our application to our agency I felt fairly confident that our baby was either already born, or conceived and developing inside an expectant mother’s womb. As we waited, I desired to grow close to our baby and missed being able to share experiencing life together. I believe the Life-book began to build a connection to our future child taking on several purposes.

First, it provided a way for me to document our child’s developing life story. Second, it provided a tool with which to link our child’s past, present and future life. Additionally, the time I spent putting the scrapbook together kept me focused on thinking about how a baby would change our lives and how the baby would affect our existing lifestyle.

Another suggestion to help the child connect to you and your family is to start a journal as soon as you have made a decision to adopt. Later, this will give the child a depth of greater understanding into what was going on in your lives during the time of their adoption. Include your thoughts and feelings when significant benchmark dates occur such as with INS approval, Home Study approval, matching, issues regarding delays, court dates, and most importantly, the first meeting. Sharing the Life-book becomes a way to connect your child to his birth-culture reinforcing his own unique identity and most importantly, just how much he is loved by you.

After our decision to adopt was firmly planted in our hearts and minds, we began preparing our immediate family members. We tenderly approached each one asking for their thoughts and concerns about our decision to adopt. We greatly desired their support and encouragement knowing their influence would be important to the success of our decision. As each new development occurred within the Home Study, the matching process, and the preparation to travel, we kept our family members informed, just as if we were taking them through the development of a nine-month pregnancy.

Adoption may at first seem alien to some family members, so invite them to be a part of the Home Study and introduce them to the caseworkers. They can put relatives at ease by helping them understand how they can be supportive to their children and grandchildren. I suggest that prospective adoptive parents make available to their family members articles, books, and magazines about adoption. It is also important that you keep them up-to-date on what the child’s life is like during the waiting process. If adoptive parents can reach out to their family members, they can help create warm and loving connections that can be meaningful in their children’s lives forever.

Adoption preparation and education can extend beyond the family to the community where all involved need to become sensitive to the subject and become more educated. Ministers, teachers, and school administrators are all affected by an adoption. And, as adoptive parents, we can help educate, counsel, and model our child’s acceptance to our community.

Preparing our hearts and minds to accept the absolute worst scenario in an adoption situation helped us to not place false expectations on our adoption. Therefore, when the trials came, we were not as shocked and more able to cope with our situation. Conversely, when the blessings came, we were more able to greatly appreciate them as well.

Finally, everyone in our community of support worked together to help facilitate a successful adoption. An adoption that is celebrated and acknowledged to the community for the wonderful gift from God that it is, makes way for a successful adoption.

The above article is written by Kimberley Raunikar Taylor who edited it from a book she has written titled, The Intentional Family: Celebrating Adoption.

Kimberley Raunikar Taylor has blended her faith, education, and personal life experiences into a ministry that encourages and supports women experiencing infertility and adoption issues. In 2001, after experiencing several years of infertility, she adopted internationally from a Romanian orphanage. Kimberley’s book, The Intentional Family: Celebrating Adoption, prepares and guides women through the emotional and spiritual journey of the adoption experience, while bringing awareness to the many sensitive issues and critical decisions that need to be addressed.

In addition, she provides insight into helping the newly adopted child and adoptive family transition through the post placement phases. Over the past 15 years, she has served as a group leader, mentor, speaker, and disciple within various women’s ministries. She speaks at adoption workshops and infertility group meetings. She lives in North Texas with her husband and adopted son.

This book is primarily directed toward women who want to become mothers but are experiencing a season of infertility. Many of these women may be using infertility services unsuccessfully and seeking more information on the adoption option. A large portion may be degreed, high-achievers who thought they could spend a decade establishing their careers and wait until 35 or beyond to establish their families. Desperate and seeking answers for their situation, these women may be unbelievers or possibly well-rooted in their Christian faith.

The Blame Game

When a marriage experiences infertility, there’s a tendency, subtly or not, to focus on “who’s to blame.” As a result, one partner may feel superior and the other inferior. One may feel disappointment over the other’s “inadequacies,” while the other feels guilt for the same. One partner may be relieved that he or she is not “the problem,” while the other becomes depressed because she or he is.

But fertility is a couple’s problem. It’s one of the few known medical conditions that involve two people! The trouble isn’t an infertile wife or an infertile husband, but an infertile couple. Until you understand that fact, you may experience a great deal of solitary and unnecessary pain.

God said that “a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Becoming “one flesh” refers to much more than the sex act; it means that a husband and wife work at being “one in sharing their hopes, dreams, and joys—as well as the burdens, sad times, and challenges.

Communication Collapse

Communication between husband and wife is crucial if the stresses that accompany infertility are to be dealt with effectively. But there’s no question about it—most men and women handle communication differently. Yet in the case of the infertile couples, is it only a matter of style—or substance?

In other words, do husbands and wives simply have different ways of expressing their feelings about infertility—or do they have different reactions to infertility itself? Do wives, for example, tend to feel a greater sense of pain and loss over their inability to be mothers than husbands do over their failure to be fathers?

This is a controversial question. Each time we speak to infertility groups on this issue, it raises a flood of disagreements. Still, the majority response is usually something like, “Of course most husbands hurt as much as their wives do, but they just show it differently.”

We’re convinced, however, that it’s not so simple. In talking to countless infertile couples, we’ve found significant differences in the ways husbands and wives view infertility and pregnancy loss.

In our own case, not recognizing those differences caused serious misunderstanding and anger. Sylvia describes how she was feeling:

“In the beginning I assumed that John felt the same as I did about the fact that we could not have a baby. I was sure that he must be hurting inside as much as I was, that it bothered him when our friends had a new baby, that he deeply sympathized with me in my weary pregnancy testing and visits to the doctor, and that he understood when I burst into tears for no apparent reason.

In time, however, it became obvious that my assumptions were wrong. John wanted children badly and was disappointed I did not become pregnant. But I realized that he was not hurting at the depth or with the same intensity that I was. With that realization came anger. Why didn’t he put his arms around me the first time I started crying instead of standing there with open mouth, wondering what on earth was wrong with me? Why did he show only lukewarm interest whenever I brought up the subject of our infertility for discussion?

The net result was increased isolation. I not only felt isolated from the people of the fertile world around me, but also increasing detachment from my own husband.”

Those feelings of frustration, guilt, anger, and isolation are not unusual. When couples struggle with infertility, it’s usually the woman who feels the greater emotional involvement and who tends to suffer more. It’s typically the woman who seeks treatment first, and who initiates conversations about “our problem.” It’s the woman who sees the pregnant lady on every street corner. It’s the woman who tends to read the books and magazine articles on infertility—and who, for the most part, writes them.

There are several possible reasons for this. For many women motherhood may remain the number one vocational goal, regardless of a career or job; many women see motherhood as an essential part of their identity. A man on the other hand may identity in being a father—but is more apt to find it elsewhere as well, usually in a career or avid pursuit of a hobby.

…We don’t mean to suggest that husbands can’t be devastated by infertility. Countless husbands are. One physician, for example, sent us a letter in which he shared the profound impact infertility had made on his life:

“For me it was grief and loss reaction as severe as any other. It had a very psychological effect on my whole life. I will always be a member of the group for whom one of life’s greatest joys and deepest emotions is but an empty void, a far-off hope.”

Another man expressed his great sorrow that he, as an only son, would not be able to pass on his family name. He felt he was failing his parents.

Some infertile husbands suffer ridicule from friends or coworkers. One man, a high school teacher on a weekend retreat with his colleagues, disclosed the purpose of the medicine he was taking. He thought his fellow teachers would react maturely, but for the rest of the weekend he was the butt of jokes. One colleague laughingly accused him of “shooting blanks,” and others made remarks that were less printable. He wrote, “I had no choice but to grin and bear it, but it brought pain.”

We don’t wish to minimize that. Nevertheless, many wives feel infertility’s pain and loss more intensely than their husbands do. Speaking from his many years of treating infertility patients, Dr. Joe McIlhaney states:

“The intense pain many infertile women feel about their inability to conceive has led me to conclude that for them having children is as basic a function as eating, breathing, and sleeping. Bearing a child seems to fulfill an essential need of a woman’s body and relieves an inner craving. It has helped me as a man, and as a physician, to be aware of the vicious torment infertility inflicts on a woman…”

When husbands and wives refuse to recognize that there may be significant differences in the way they view infertility, they’re setting themselves up for marital strife. Wives shouldn’t assume that their husbands understand the depth of their pain; husbands need to remember that their wives may view motherhood as essential to their fulfillment.

A Marriage Survival Kit

Many couples who experience infertility discover that their marriage is on a survival mission—and it’s not just a training exercise! How can you and your spouse preserve your relationship—and even improve it—during this difficult time?

We recommend marriage survival kit. Make sure it contains the following items:

1. A Band-Aid

Why? Because it will remind you of an important characteristic of husbands: They like to make things feel better.

Husbands hate to see anything broken—especially their wives, who are hurt by the dashed hopes and crushed dreams that mark infertility. As one husband put it, “The most difficult part is knowing that Linda (my wife) is in so much pain.”

In our case, John hated it when Sylvia grieved over our infertility. He hated it so much that he was quick with “Band-aid” words and a quick kiss to make it better.

It will happen,” he reassured. “Don’t worry, we’re still young. We can always try again next month. Why don’t you and I go out for dinner this evening so you can get your mind off infertility? Talking about it all the time only makes you depressed. You need to start looking on the bright side of things. After all, you’ve got me, and we’re happy together! Be thankful for what you’ve got.”

Behold: Mr. Fix-it to the rescue! Like John, most husbands think it’s their God-given duty to make their wives feel better.

Unfortunately, these husbands tend to downplay the pain. Their motives may be great, but their strategy isn’t. Women suffering from infertility don’t need someone to minimize the pain; they need someone who understands it.

Husbands need to learn that they don’t have to fix the pain. They can’t! More helpful than “fixing” is simply going to your wife, putting your arms around her, and saying, “You’re really hurting today, aren’t you? I can’t make it better, but I want you to know that I love you—and when you hurt, I hurt too.”

2. A Stopwatch

Wives like to talk more than their husbands do. Marriage and family therapist Philip Nienhuis says,

“Studies have indicated that in a typical day a woman will use significantly more words than her husband will use. He will be very matter of fact in stating the experiences of the day, or relating interactions with people he has met. She, on the other hand, will tend to go into much greater detail in reporting experiences or describing relationships…

Many women find it therapeutic to talk —it is a way of relieving stress. Men, on the other hand, often find that talking about an issue produces stress.”

Picture this: A husband comes home, exhausted after a challenging day. The only thing he wants to do is hibernate in front of the Monday night football game. The last thing he wants is to talk about infertility—again!

Meanwhile, his wife had a difficult day too. A woman at the office has announced an unexpected, unwanted pregnancy. Devastated by the unfairness of it all, the wife comes home and wants to talk with her husband about how this makes her feel.

What’s going to happen when these two come together for the evening? Tension, not tenderness!

Here’s where the stopwatch comes in. It can remind a couple of what has often been called the “Twenty-Minute Rule.”

As far as we can determine, Merle Bombardieri first came up with the idea in the National RESOLVE Newsletter. It’s a simple technique designed to let couples talk about infertility without allowing it to dominate the relationship. Having discussed their infertility often and in depth in the past, the couple agrees that if one of them brings up the topic, they’ll discuss it for 20 minutes and no longer. After 20 minutes they’ll move to another subject.

This is a good rule! When it’s practiced, several things happen. The wife knows she has to focus her comments clearly or she’ll miss her chance. The husband, instead of listening with one ear while the other is trying to catch the football score, concentrates on what his wife is saying because he knows it’s not going to be an all-night conversation. Best of all, they have the rest of the evening to talk about and do other things.

3. Bubble Bath and Candles

For many couples undergoing infertility treatment, romance is an early casualty. Though some report that the experience draws them closer, many find it takes a toll on intimacy and spontaneity.

How can you keep your romance alive? Try little things—a love note in lipstick on the bathroom mirror, a love poem tucked into a briefcase, a night at a cozy bed-and-breakfast, a long evening walk together. Sometimes all it takes is a bit of creativity. We like the way Colleen Botsios describes a romantic evening with her husband:

“Two years ago on Valentine’s Day, I was feeling about as low as I’d ever been. All the basic infertility workup had been completed and nothing stood out as an obvious impediment to pregnancy. But then, as always, I regrouped. It was Valentine’s Day—a time to be festive and romantic.

My husband arrived home from work about 6 P.M. And I met him in a sexy nightgown, explaining that I had a romantic evening planned. I showed him to the bathroom, which was dark except for the votive candles scattered around. The whirlpool was gurgling away in the corner, complete with coconut bubble bath and really hot water…

Somewhere in the special aura of the evening, infertility, though still close, was somehow far away from us and not so overwhelming. There was temporarily some room to cuddle and smile and laugh heartily.”

4. A Cell Phone

Sometimes even the closest of couples run out of patience, hope, or energy. When the challenges of infertility tax your resources to the limit, help can be just a phone call away. Don’t hesitate to consult a counselor or pastor, even if it’s just a few sessions to get your relationship back on track.

Peaches and Plums

Thankfully, many of us have spouses who understand and care. In such marries there’s a wonderful sense of making the journey of infertility together. Partners hurt together, pray together, and support one another as they face the challenges of infertility or miscarriage.

In these marriages, husbands accompany their wives to doctors’ appointments and are present for every procedure. They bring their wives a bouquet or arrange for dinner out on those dark days when gloom is running high and hope is running low. Husbands like that are “peaches.”

And in these marriages, wives understand their responsibility to support their husbands—especially when the husband appears to have the main medical problem. These wives know that being told by a physician, “You’re not in the major leagues in terms of sperm production or motility,” or, “I’m afraid you’re sterile,” is difficult for any man to take.

These wives know the last thing their husbands need are comments like, “I told you a long time ago you should be checked,” or, “You knew you should have been wearing boxer shorts, but you’re too stubborn.”

A husband needs a wife who, using her God-given charm and grace helps him to know that he’s still sexy, strong, and valued. Such a wife is a “plum!”

Whether your spouse has told you or not, he or she is counting on you. Your marriage can thrive—if you renew your commitment to be the wife or husband your partner needs.

The above article comes from the book, “When the Cradle is Empty … Answering Tough Questions about Infertility,” written by John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter, and published by Tyndale House Publishers. This is a Focus on the Family book which can be obtained by going to their web site at www.family.org.

This book is written as a comfort for couples who are longing for Parenthood and will help: married couples who are finding it difficult to have a baby; spouses who discover that infertility is straining their marriage; Believers who find that childlessness is weakening their faith; couples who are puzzled by all the options for treating infertility; those who seek to encourage their spouses who are disappointed over a failure to conceive; couples who grieve the children they’ve lost in miscarriage or at birth; those considering adoption; and family members, pastors, counselors, and others who want to understand those whose cradles are empty.

“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven —A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.”

Like each of life’s seasons, the season of fertility contains its own personal challenges. Some couples do not experience infertility difficulties until after the birth of their first baby. The months and years pass them by while their first child is growing older and the span of potential years between the first and second is becoming greater. Accepting the truth about our season of infertility is difficult whether we have none or six children.

For a Jewish woman in Biblical times, to be barren was shameful. Sons were needed to help support the family business and to proliferate the Jewish race. Family was very important to the Jewish tradition. Women were culturally and religiously expected to produce heirs causing them to compare their own personal worth as a wife to how many heirs they produced for their husband.

And, today, some of these cultural traditions and expectations continue, but they are subtle with less direct pressure. Modern forms of shame have emerged in our current culture due to past indiscretions, sex before marriage, abortion, and waiting “too long” to try to get pregnant. We tend to blame our infertility on ourselves promoting the feeling of condemnation from those who believe we have something terribly wrong with us because we are childless. These haunting feelings of inadequacy and failure can penetrate the depths of our marriage, causing relational difficulties.

Infertile couples may even blame each other for their failure to conceive. Sometimes distraught couples begin to reject each other. They begin to point to each other’s past mistakes and sins to substantiate their blame. A couple can be ripped apart at the seams when this destructive behavior is not identified and immediately stopped allowing confession and forgiveness to take place.

Infertility can highlight unresolved hurt and anger in a marriage. When a couple has not developed healthy coping skills with which to overcome difficulties and conflict within their marriage relationship, infertility will certainly put a spotlight on this deficiency.

There are some who claim that it is not personal sin, but their dashed dreams and unfulfilled expectations in having children that have brought them severe pain and anguish. These couples may cry out to God and say, “Why have you kept this blessing of children from our life?” We have tried to live a pure and righteous life! Why us?” However, God’s Word says that he does not withhold blessings from us. Psalms 34:10 says, “The young lions do lack and suffer hunger; But they who seek the LORD shall not be in want of any good thing.”

Blaming God for our barrenness can cause bitterness, hatred, anger, resentment, and much more sin to take hold in our souls that will slowly begin to corrupt us. Blaming God only distances ourselves from our loving creator. We need to seek Him during our time of affliction and we are not to turn away from Him. Psalms 33:20 tells us, “Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield.”

As I struggled with childlessness while hiding my shame, blame and guilt; I found myself just trying to cope in my normal daily life. A few coping mechanisms I identified in my own dysfunction looked like this:

• I avoided activities where families will be present.
• I dreaded the celebrations associated with Mother’s Day.
• I immediately declined all invitations to baby showers because it hurt too much.

Some of the infertile women and men of the Bible used impure coping mechanisms with which to handle their feelings of shame and lack of self-worth. Sarah was anxious, Rachel was envious, Leah was jealous, and Hannah was depressed. Like these women, today, we may use similar methods to keep us from feeling the pain of infertility.

Compulsive coping mechanisms do not relieve our pain and will only give us short-term control of our situation. Once we recognize we are not coping in righteousness, we need to immediately go to our Heavenly Father and follow His way to cope with our infertility in a more fruitful manner.
This can be accomplished by:

• Asking God To Reveal Sin
• Confessing Sin (wrong thoughts, beliefs, actions)
• Resetting Our Standard

How Do I Reset My Standard?

Step 1: Walk in Faith
The easy way out of a situation is to do what everyone around is telling us to do. Well-meaning friends, relatives, and doctors can give advice and persuade us to follow the world’s path. Submitting our desires to God and waiting for his confirmation and direction can seem an impossible task when we are in deep depression. All these factors make it a challenge to reset our standard to God’s, but it is this challenging time when God does some of His mightiest work.

However, God’s ways are not man’s ways (Isaiah 55:8). When we feel desperate in our human abilities and we choose to depend on God, we see Him move in incredible ways. This is when our faith is stretched and strengthened and we become closer to God than we have ever been.

Step 2: Surrender Control to God
God wants us to know He is in control of our past, present and future. He proved His position of control to us with the lives of Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah and Elizabeth. God’s perfect timing and great plans are more important than our desires and selfish demands. As Elizabeth and Zacharias (Luke 1) did, we need to remain focused on God’s bigger plan for our lives. We need to let Him operate in His perfect will and timing specific to His global perspective and plan. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

God tells us in Proverbs 21:5 that we are to do nothing in desperation. The passage says, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage, but everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty.” Resist the temptations associated with desperation and turn your face to God for His answers. Becoming sensitive to God’s voice and direction develops as we mature in Christ.

Step 3: Learn to Manage Expectations of Family and Friends
Well-meaning friends and family can create additional stress in our lives during infertility. I remember for myself as we were probed us for answers regarding our childless situation. The personal questions and careless statements often felt hurtful as we struggled through our infertility issues. For couples that are experiencing similar probing, it is important to realize that these family members and friends are showing their concern and interest about your life in the only way they know. It is easy for a grieving couple to believe people are being “nosey” and insensitive when in fact the opposite is true.

Step 4: Recognize the Blessings of Infertility
With the emotional ups and downs of infertility, the only way we can experience true hope and peace is through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. God uses times of infertility and loss in our lives to bring us closer to Him. He desires that we rely on Him for meeting our needs and wants. He wants us to give control over to Him. He wants us to recognize our human limitations and yield to His ways.

The blessings we receive from our pain and suffering are sometimes difficult to acknowledge when we are deeply involved within our struggle. However, we are instructed by God’s Word to be thankful in all things (Phil. 4:6-7). In our despair, we must open our eyes and let them expand beyond ourselves, to see God at work. He is always “at work.” We need to recognize that we are a small part of a much bigger picture. Sometimes it takes a crisis in our lives before we can slow down and recognize the blessings He is bountifully bestowing on us.

Step 5: Ask God, “What is Your Plan for Me?”
Waiting on God during infertility can be a very trying time. We are tempted to place many of our future plans and decisions on hold while we seek and ponder which direction to take in our lives.

We ask, “Should I buy that new house or car, quit my job, save money, serve on that board or committee, set up a nursery, and place that seed of excitement in my heart?” So much of our decision-making rests on the answer to the question, “God, what is your plan for me?”

Life cannot come to a standstill while we wait for our “little blessing” to arrive. Keep moving forward in your plans while seeking God’s direction. Proverbs 16:9 puts it this way, “The mind of a man plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.”

It was a difficult and painful reality to come to terms with the fact that I had potentially missed my greatest opportunity to have a child of my own. I had squandered my fruitfulness on empty dreams and deceptive beliefs. This must have been how the prodigal son felt when he came to his senses and realized he had squandered his inheritance on emptiness and foolishness.

But, thankfully our God is a God of second chances who is loving, gracious and merciful to our needs and desires. As in the book of Joel, God says he restores what the locusts have eaten. We do not always know or understand how He will do this, but His Word says He will and I believe His Word.

I may have missed my season of fertility, but God had mercy on me and gave me a second chance, in a unique and surprising way.

During healing from my grief of infertility, God showed me that I am not in control of my fertility, He is. Through exercising humility, I came to understand that I have no entitlement to mother-hood. Becoming a mother is purely a blessing from God.

Step 6: Don’t Compare
I strongly urge you to resist comparing your life against the backdrop of other people’s lives. Your neighbor or co-worker may appear to have the perfect life with children, but we do not know the real path or true pain of their lives. The path God designed for you contains a valuable purpose. Let go of the temptation to believe that God has forgotten you. Have patience and courage to wait for God to act and confirm His will on His timetable. As I pursued God’s plan for my life, He began to unfold it for me and I finally concluded that His plan was beautiful, unique, purposeful, and created just for me.

As I have seen in countless situations, God uses a season of infertility for His purposes. The main purpose can be to allow healing in one or both of the couples’ lives from a buildup of a series of traumatic or grievous events. Another purpose may be to help drive the couple closer to Himself and to each other. Sometimes infertility allows for the consideration of adoption to help care for the world’s tremendous orphan needs. However, whatever the reason for infertility, God wants to use the time of waiting for His purpose and for His glory. I urge you to not give up hope during your season of infertility but to seek God for His answers.

The above article is written by Kimberley Raunikar Taylor who wrote this article from her own personal experience with infertility. She has graciously allowed us to share her story with our readers with the hope that God will use it to minister to those who are struggling with this issue.

Kimberley Raunikar Taylor has blended her faith, education, and personal life experiences into a ministry that encourages and supports women experiencing infertility and adoption issues. In 2001, after experiencing several years of infertility, she and her husband adopted internationally from a Romanian orphanage.

Kimberly has written a book titled, The Intentional Family: Celebrating Adoption, published by Beacon Hill Press. Kimberley’s book prepares and guides women through the emotional and spiritual journey of the adoption experience, while bringing awareness to the many sensitive issues and critical decisions that need to be addressed.

In addition, she provides insight into helping the newly adopted child and adoptive family transition through the post placement phases. Over the past 15 years, she has served as a group leader, mentor, speaker, and disciple within various women’s ministries. She speaks at adoption workshops and infertility group meetings. She lives in North Texas with her husband and adopted son.

The death of a child not only changes a parent forever, it also permanently alters a couple’s marriage. As individuals you must each deal with the awesome, confusing, and painful thoughts and hard and often agonizing and overwhelming feelings that come with a child’s death. As a couple you must deal with how each of you has changed.

In a sense, you each have become something of a stranger to yourself and each other. And in the process, your marriage cannot be what it was before. It is the marriage of two people who have shared a very heavy loss, of two people who have seen each other grieving, of two people who have gone through the relationship struggles couples experience when a child dies.

You become new people, with no sense of whether you can or should return to being your old selves. You are likely to be beginners at dealing with the kind of grief parents feel and beginners at coming to terms, as a couple, with whatever is going on in your as individuals and as a couple. For quite a while, grief is likely to sap you and your partner of energy to solve problems, to talk about things to think things through well, and to come to terms with what has happened. For weeks, months, or even years, you may feel that you are in some kind of holding pattern, just trying to do the bare minimum to get along.

Also, your child’s death makes you different from most people you know. Although several million American couples have lost a child, you may not know anyone whose experiences can be a resource to you. In fact, your friends, relatives, neighbors, coworkers, and the people in your religious congregation, may not be able or willing to help beyond the first outpouring of sympathy. Most will never have had a similar experience and most, even if they care for you deeply, will not be very comfortable with you.

Added to all this, grieving can make your couple relationship difficult. Being down so much, being needy and looking at everything in new ways after a child dies, it is easy for you and your spouse to see many negatives in each other and in your spouse to see many negatives in each other and in your marriage that may have been ignored or were not present in the past. So in additions to dealing with the loss of a child, you may have to deal with whether and how to change your marital relationship or even with the possible loss of your marriage.

Dealing wisely with your relationship will help head off or minimize difficulties. If you can work together on your relationship, you may have success at backing away from bickering, blaming, and hurt feelings. You may have success dealing with communication difficulties, disappointments, and other issues that can undermine your relationship. And you may be able to offer support, help, and understanding for each other.

Parenting together is a shared journey, and dealing with a child’s death is as well. In bereavement, the couple journey will be hard. But it does not have to end in disaster.

After a child’s death, most couples worry that it will be very hard to stay together, and even if they do they often worry about whether they will be able to have a good marital relationship.

If either of you is worried about your marital future, it may help a lot to say to each other that you have those worries and to resolve to stay together. Whether you talk about it immediately or later, it can be an important step toward a strong and lasting relationship. Many grieving parents remember clearly the talk they had with their partner in which they said something like, “It’s going to be hard for us, but I am committed to staying with you.”

Erica: One thing we talked about the morning we found David dead was we knew that people had problems with marriages after a child died. We made a decision that we were going to continue to be married and that we were going to have to work at it for the other two children. I didn’t want David to be ashamed of us. We had to do that for his memory too. I didn’t want him to be the cause of our marriage breaking up.

Elaine: I can remember laying there that night and thinking that if I could just go to sleep and sleep for a year I know things would be better then. And I can remember that night too, him and I laying there and just making a vow to each other that it would not tear us apart, because so many people, their family cannot survive. We held on tight and just decided that we can’t, we just can’t let this destroy us.

I think bereaved couples have the same reasons most couples have for staying together—their history together, the ways they are compatible, the emotional investments their relationship represents, the ways they depend on each other and feelings of affection. But I also believe many bereaved parents are motivated by an additional factor when they make the commitment to stay together. Their commitment is rooted in a sense that no one else knew the child as well or could understand as much what was lost when the child died.

Jane: People seemed to be understanding, but nobody knew Adam but [my husband] Rob. And my feeling was that nobody was gonna be able to understand the depth of our loss except this other person who had lived with him. Not that I was ever thinking of leaving or becoming friendly with anyone else, but I kept thinking, “There’s no one in this world that understands what we’ve been through except each other.” And I found that as a kind of binding thing, a commonality, that more than ever I felt we had something in common. Not just kids and a house and a marriage, but the fact that we really understand what we were missing.

With your marriage seeming to be in danger and with the two of you determined to stay together, there will come times when you may make resolutions together about ways when you may want to make resolutions together about ways to keep your relationship strong. One important thing many couples do is resolve to accept their differences and to accept that they cannot be there for one another all the time.

Brett: After our son died, we made a vow that we’d stick together and we would work together, and through the grief group we found out that we grieve differently. And we did. Then we realized that we couldn’t help each other at times. And people kept saying, “You have to be there for your wife or your kids.”

Joan: Sometimes it’s just better to be left alone. Let each other grieve how we need to.

You will find that you and your spouse will not grieve the same way. You differ in biology, personality, upbringing, current responsibilities, the relationship you had with the child, and life experiences. Even if those things didn’t guarantee that you and your partner will mourn in your own way, women and men differ in numerous ways that will show up in how you deal with your child’s death.

In some couples, one partner believes how and when the other grieves is wrong, or one partner’s grief make the other feel uncomfortable. If over a long period, you let such differences upset you or if your differences lead to conflict, they can be a wedge that pushes the two of you far apart.

Spouses have different paces into and through various parts of grieving. One partner might have stronger feelings or a certain feeling soon after the loss, while the other might feel those things later. To some parents, there seems to be a route to travel, and they talk about being farther or less far along than their partner.

There sometimes is a sense that being farther along is better, perhaps even moral. But I don’t think one pace is better than the other. Feelings of superiority or inferiority about the pace of grieving or the belief one partner’s pace is better than the other’s will make trouble you don’t need. There is no scientific basis for saying one pace in grieving is better than another.

One of you might move quickly into active talking, reading, thinking, and feeling to deal with the death, while the other might not. Again, accepting the difference is desirable.

One of you may try to be “strong” while the other is grieving intensely. “Strong” might mean doing necessary things around the house instead of focusing on grief or feeling that there was no point in doing things. “Strong” might mean not being swamped emotionally, or it might mean acting like things will be better. Lots of men feel the need to be strong for their partner, holding off their grief in order to be strong and supportive.

Differences in outward emotion lead to resentment in some couples. When one spouse feels down and the other seems up, each may resent the other. One might, for example, think “How can you dare to be so upbeat when our child is dead?” While the other might think, “When you are down like this you drag me down,” or “Get over it,” or “I am worried about you.” But such differences are to be expected and I think, accepted.

There can also be misunderstanding on both sides. The partner who controls emotions less can resent the other for seeming not to care about the child or acting superior. The partner who controls emotions more may not understand how much the one who is more emotional must be that way. Neither may grasp what they see in the other is normal and right.

In some couples there seems to be turn-taking in emotional control. When one partner is deep in grief, the other controls his or her emotions enough to do the basics and perhaps to say things meant to be soothing and supportive.

The one who wants more conversation might decide to wait it out, but might still feel angry that the partner will not talk. Also, just as the spouse who wants to talk finds the other’s silence frustrating and infuriating, the spouse who wants to talk less can be irritated by the other’s pressure to talk.

The main point is that you should expect and tolerate differences between you and your partner. Doing so is not likely to make the grieving process any easier, but it should help you and your spouse to maintain a stronger couple relationship as you deal with the death of your child.

Realize that there is no single path that couples who do well together follow. There is no formula, no sure series of steps that will guarantee a good outcome. Each couple starts at a different place, has different problems to deal with, has different resources available, and brings different histories (including different past experiences with death and other losses), different values, and different personalities to the situation. So each journey is unique.

Some couples have no serious problems after their child’s death. But other couples, even years later, struggle to build a comfortable, connecting relationship.

As bereaved parents, you travel with luggage from your past. Included in that luggage are your previous experiences, as individuals and as a couple, with death and grief. Such experiences can be a source of problems if, for example, your child’s death opens up new and difficult matters concerning a previous death.

And if you or your spouse have never dealt with a major death before, some things are likely to be harder. A first death can produce painful struggles not only with the death but with your own morality, God’s will, how and when to control emotions, whither to ask for help, what a funeral involves, how to deal with the legal and insurance matters, and many other issues. All this can make the pain and confusion of bereavement more challenging.

A child’s death can be so uniquely painful that there are real limits to how much experience can help. Even if you have dealt with the death of others who were very important in your life, you may never have dealt with feelings as deep and powerful or confusion as profound as you have experienced with your child’s death.

A couple’s history together also can make them vulnerable to problems following the death of their child. If you have lived together for years with intense anger at one another, chronically hurt feelings, communication problems that make almost every day of your relationship together very hard, and frequent doubts about your partnership, you lack a very solid foundation on which to work together after your child dies. I am not talking here about the ordinary squabbles, anger, and frustrations of married life, but about grinding day-after-day difficulties.

For some couples with a long history of relationship difficulties, the child’s death intensifies the problems. If they squabbled before, they argue more often and more bitterly afterward. If there was already considerable anger in the marriage, the child’s death intensifies those feelings.

Bill: She’s always felt some anger at me, but more so as a result of this. She said I just didn’t grieve enough or in the sense that she felt was appropriate. When we get in discussion with it, there were hostilities that would come out that we just couldn’t discuss to a point of any resolution to it. [He and his wife were divorcing.]

Sometimes a child’s death undermines a couple’s patterns of dealing with difficulty, particularly if the child was crucial in keeping the relationship going.

Al: The biggest reason I think people part after a death is that you have the problem finding a reason to go on, to keep going. If you’ve got the kid, you’ve got something in common. If he ain’t there any longer, you’ve lost that, the bond between the two of you, tying you together.

If you are a couple who relied on the child to link you, it certainly is possible to forge or discover new links or to find new ways to continue to have the child be a major link. But you also should understand that in being patient with the shared grief process, you need to be patient with the slow and unpredictable process of coming up with new or stronger ties.

For some couples, serious difficulties never arise in dealing with a child’s death. But for others, there are real struggles. If you are such a couple, you should know that many marriages survive those difficulties —even those that had problems before a child’s death. People learn and change. You can find resources in yourselves and outside that transform you and your marital relationship. Together you can make your marriage work.

This article was edited from the book Help Your Marriage Survive the Death of a Child, by Paul Rosenblatt. It was based on intensive interviews of 29 couples who experienced the death of a child, and offers perspectives and advice on common marital problems experienced by bereaved parents. Although the book deals with pain and marital distress, it offers a message of hope. Grieving parents can and do get through the hard times, based on respect for differences, mutual understanding, and shared history. Published by Temple University Press.

• WILL IT ALWAYS HURT THIS MUCH?

• WILL OUR MARRIAGE SURVIVE?