And even though most of us attempt to explain away at least some of our wrong attitudes and actions, they find their way out into the light eventually. (Whether or not we face the truth of our sin is another issue, because we can become very good of seeing the “speck” in the other person’s eye and overlook the “log” in our own.)

Marriage especially, can accelerate the process of bringing out our bad sides. After we say “I do”, that which was hidden or we didn’t realize was buried deeper inside of us, comes out when our comfort zones are bumped into or stepped upon by our spouse. It’s a natural process that many of us dislike and try to run away from. But in reality, all of us can be used by God to sharpen each other, if we look at our marital situations in God’s illuminating light, “as iron sharpens iron, so one man [or woman] sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:11).

There are all kinds of lessons that can be learned, When Sinners Say “I do.” That’s why we’re excited that we came across a book by that title written by Dave Harvey. We feel like it could teach us some good principles in marital living. We also came across a radio program series, produced by the terrific ministry of Family Life Today, that you may find helpful.

Below, we’re going to give 3 quotes from each program (so you can read a sneak preview) and then a web site link for each that you can click into, and make your choice to either listen to the broadcasts or read the transcripts they make available.

The first program is titled What Really Matters in Marriage, and was originally aired on May 28, 2008. The following are 3 quotes from that program. Dave Harvey said:

Ephesians 5 talks about how God has created marriage as a parable of Christ’s love for the church. And one of the realities about marriage is that it says something first about God and, in God, Christ’s love for the church. And to see that, we have the privilege of being caught up in something that’s so much bigger than any of us. It’s really about Christ and His passion for His people.

Dave explains a bit more about the above concept and then goes on to talk about certain disagreements (that you may relate to) that he and his wife have had, that have taught him some important lessons. He says:

We’ve certainly experienced our share of conflicts in our marriage, and I would say that all of them follow a familiar pattern. We will engage each other, we will be tempted to say things that we shouldn’t say, and then we have decisions to make about what we believe and how we want to relate to each other.

During this radio program, Dave talked about the lesson he’s learned and how it has changed how he apologizes to his wife. He also discussed certain things he’s learned about human beings in general in how we sometimes back away from taking full responsibility for the things we do that we shouldn’t. And yet moving towards God requires more than that. He says:

I do think that inherent to all, sin is an attempt to divert attention from the sin, and so there is something in each of us that when we go to actually confess, we’ll want to locate the responsibility for that sin outside of ourselves. I think part of moving towards God, part of applying the Gospel, is saying, “No, I am the man. I did that sin. This is the sin I did,” and being specific because it’s one thing to say, “Well, I was a little upset with you, dear,” but it’s another thing to assign a biblical term and say, “I was angry, I was feeling wrath in my heart.” Boy, that has a sting of conviction that those more generic terms don’t bring.

To listen to or read the entire transcript from this radio broadcast, please click onto the link provided below:

• WHAT REALLY MATTERS IN MARRIAGE

Day two of the three day broadcast is titled, Love Always Forgives. This broadcast can truly challenge many who struggle with forgiving a spouse after they argue and have been hurt by them. But Dave Harvey explains:

One of the reasons why God allows us to experience conflict is to recognize what is in our heart, and so part of God’s design in us coming together is to understand who we really are. Conflict is understandable, it’s to be expected, and yet it’s also an opportunity to go to school on who we really are and to apply the Gospel.

Dave gives further explanation and then says:

Conflict is part of what happens when people come together and part of what happens in marriage. And it’s not as important that it happens, as much as it is what you’re doing with it and what you’re learning from it. It’s what happens when sinners say, “I do.”

He then tells of a couple named Jeremy and Cindy who had a storybook married life but eventually their foundation of trust in a marriage and the process of forgiving was challenged after Jeremy committed adultery. He goes on to say,

Both of them came to a place where they never thought they would be. I mean, here they were Christians, and they had dedicated their lives to Christ, they had dedicated their lives to one another in marriage, and yet they were sitting there asking questions about whether this marriage was going to work. Could they go on?

…Our answer can’t begin with people, our answer must go to God and must go to the Savior, and we have to be reminded of what happened when Jesus Christ died for our sins, and the sins and the terrible and tremendous offenses that we were forgiven of. It’s only the cross that puts the sins of other people into perspective. It’s only as we look and as we perceive what actually we’ve been forgiven of that we can turn to somebody else who has sinned grievously against us and forgive them.

Dave explains this concept further and then tells of other friends who had to leave the mission field because of adultery and the battle they had with forgiveness. It’s a compelling story that we could learn from. To listen to or read the entire transcript from this radio broadcast, please click onto the link provided below:

• LOVE ALWAYS FORGIVES

The third day of the three day radio broadcasts on the subject of “when sinners say I do” is titled “Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment.” On this subject, Dave Harvey says:

Mercy acknowledges the reality that we live in a fallen world; that we have limitations and weaknesses; and that we are called to relate to one another in kindness in those things, even if we’re correcting our spouse, or we’re being corrected – even there, there is a heart of mercy that we are to bring to one another because marriage is fundamentally about ministering to each other.

Dave further explains the issue of mercy as he tells of a woman named Emma who was deeply hurt by her husband Gordon and yet she displayed Christ-like mercy in how she reacted daily to his injustices. He explains:

What Emma did as a result of the way that Gordon treated her and just to review it, Gordon and Emma met as he was new in ministry and met at a church function, got married shortly thereafter, and on their honeymoon, Gordon informed her that he didn’t love her, that he married her because he thought that that was the best thing to do in ministry, to be married. That began 40 years of Emma having an experience of a distant husband, disconnected, and probably unconverted.

Yet Emma’s disposition was not one where she was living, just always responding to the next thing he did do or didn’t do. But she drew her guidelines for how to respond from what she saw in Christ, what she saw in the Gospel, and she used that to determine how she would live with Gordon.

Dave further explains what he learned of Christ through Emma’s actions and said:

We are commanded in Scripture to be merciful as our Father in heaven is merciful, and yet what we don’t often realize is that mercy is specifically referencing sin. When it says that God is merciful, that means that He has suffered with sinners and for sinners. He has — it defines His disposition towards us despite the fact that we are weak, that we are fallen, and that, apart from Jesus Christ, we are bent in the wrong direction. We are bent to disobey God and yet even in that state, even while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. He came towards us out of a merciful heart to draw us to Him. So it’s God in relationship to us, as sinners, that really defines that mercy.

You can read the rest of this radio interview (which we highly recommend) by clicking on the link below:

• MERCY TRIUMPHS OVER JUDGMENT

It is well known that those who have been emotionally damaged tend to inflict their hurt and pain on other people. For example, a large percentage of those who have been sexually abused become the abusers of others; those who suffered under an alcoholic parent often themselves cause their future family to suffer because of their drunken stupors.

Until we as a church deal with the whole person as shown in 1 Thessalonians 5:23 our congregations will be filled with people who are spiritually gifted but act like emotional infants. As in other words, the church must deal with emotional health and not just spiritual health and power.

The following are common traits hurt people display in their interactions with others.

1. Hurt people often transfer their inner anger onto their family and close friends.

• Often those around them become the recipients of harsh tones and fits of rage because they have unknowingly become the vicarious recipients of transferred rage.

2. Hurt people interpret every word spoken to them through the prism of their pain.

• Because of their pain, ordinary words are often misinterpreted to mean something negative towards them.

• Because of this, they are extremely sensitive and act out of pain instead of reality.

3. Hurt people interpret every action through the prism of their pain.

• Their emotional pain causes them to suspect wrong motives or evil intent behind other people’s actions towards them.

4. Hurt people often portray themselves as victims and carry a “victim spirit”.

• Often hurt people can cry “racism,” “sexism,” “homophobia,” or often use the words “unjust” or “unfair” to describe the way they are being treated, even if there is no truth to this. (That is not to say that sometimes there really is racism or sexism in some instances; this is just used as an example.)

→ Hurt people have a hard time entering into a trusting relationship.
→ Hurt people often carry around a suspicious spirit.

5. Hurt people often alienate others and wonder why no one is there for them.

• They often continually hurt the ones they love and need the most with their self-destructive behavior.

6. Hurt people have the emotional maturity of the age they received their (un-dealt with) hurt.

• For example, if a girl was raped by a man when she was 12 years old, unless she forgives that man and allows Christ to heal her heart and allay her fears, in that particular area of her life (sexuality with a man) her emotional growth will stop; even when she reaches her later years she may still have the emotional maturity of a 12 year-old.

7. Hurt people are often frustrated and depressed because past pain continually spills over into their present consciousness.

• In many instances, they may not even be aware of why they are continually frustrated or depressed because they have coped with pain by compartmentalizing it or layering it over with other things over time.

8. Hurt people often erupt with inappropriate emotion because particular words, actions, or circumstances “touch” and “trigger” past woundedness.

• I have been in situations with people in which there was a gross overreaction to a word I spoke or an action that was taken. Although I was shocked and thought this reaction came “out of left field” it was really the person responding to an accumulation of years of hurt and pain that could not help but spill over in various situations.

• I myself have been in situations where I felt hurt, troubled, or overreacted to something because it touched a nerve with what I was still dealing with because of a wound I received in the past. In these situations I have attempted to reason through the situation as objectively as I can with much prayer and introspection so I would not say or do anything damaging to another person or myself.

9. Hurt people often occupy themselves with busyness, work, performance, and/or accomplishments as a way of compensating for low self-esteem.

• Often ministers are not motivated by a love for Jesus but a drive to accomplish.

• It is important that pastors and ministers be led by the Spirit instead of being driven to succeed.

• A minister should not preoccupy himself with making things happen. He or she should walk in integrity and humility and allow God to open up doors and provide a ministerial platform according to their assignment for their life and ministry.

10. Hurt people often attempt to medicate themselves with excessive entertainment, drugs, alcohol, pornography, sexual relationships, or hobbies as a way to forget their pain and run from reality.

• Until the church learns to deal with and emphasize the emotional life and health of the believer, the church will be filled with half-Christians who pray and read the Bible but find no victory because they do not face the woundedness in their souls.

11. Hurt people have learned to accommodate their private “false self” or “dark side” which causes them to be duplicitous and lack integrity.

• Often their private life is different from their public life, which causes hypocrisy and compounds feelings of guilt, condemnation, and depression.

12. Hurt people are often self-absorbed with their own pain and are unaware that they are hurting other people.

• They are often insensitive to other people because their emotional pain limits their capacity for empathy and their capacity for self-awareness.

• I have been in numerous situations when someone hurt me and kept on going in the relationship without ever apologizing because they had no clue what they were doing.

13. Hurt people are susceptible to demonic deception.

• I am convinced that most of the divisions in the church are caused by saints who lack emotional health and project their pain onto others.

• Satan works in darkness and deception, and stays away from the light. Hurt people often have destructive habit-patterns that are practiced in the dark. Hence, their mind becomes a breeding ground for satanic infiltration and deception.

• If the church would deal more with the emotional health of the individual, there would be less of a foothold for demonic infiltration. Also, there would be stronger relationships, stronger marriages, healthier children, and a more balanced approach to ministry with less of a chance of pastoral and congregational burnout.

14. God often purposely surfaces pain so hurt people can face reality.

• Whether it is because of a marriage problem, or continual personal conflicts on the job, God often allows conflict and spillover because he wants the infection to stop spreading and the person to be healed.

• Often Christians are fighting the devil and blaming him for conflict when in essence God often allows conflict so that people would be motivated to dig deeper into their lives to deal with root causes of destructive thought and habit patterns.

• God’s purpose for us is that we would all be conformed to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29). This does not just happen with Bible studies, prayer, and times of glory but also in painful situations when we have to face what has been hurting us for many years.

• I have noticed that these periods of surfacing woundedness often take place when people transition into the mid-life years of their upper thirties and later. Perhaps this is because by then they are old enough to understand by experience that there is something wrong and also that it is not too late to redeem their pain and restore relationships and maximize their purpose. Rarely is a person able or even willing to deal with and face pain when they hit their senior years (in their sixties or older). Most at this age have already become cynical, hard-hearted, and/or become so depressed they have become hopeless even though God is able to help them at any age.

15. Hurt people need to forgive to be released and restored to freedom.

• The Gospel of St. John 20:23 says that we have to release the sins of others if we are going to be released. This means that if we do not forgive others then the very thing we have become victimized with will become a part of our life. For example, alcoholic fathers breed alcoholic sons if their sons do not forgive and release their fathers.

• The good news is that, through the efficacious blood of Christ, we can all be healed and set free from all past hurts so we can comfort others with the same comfort we ourselves have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:4).

Truly our mess can become our message!

The above article was written by Joseph Mattera. Joseph has been in full-time ministry since 1980 and is currently the Presiding Bishop of Christ Covenant Coalition and Overseeing Bishop of Resurrection Church in New York, a multi-ethnic congregation of 40 nationalities that has successfully developed numerous leaders and holistic ministry in the New York region and beyond.

His passion is to see the Lordship of Christ manifest over every realm of society so the church can fulfill the cultural mandate in Genesis 1:28. This has resulted in extensive ministry nationally and internationally, reaching out to many nations of the world including the former Soviet Union, Bulgaria, Turkey, Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, Honduras, Holland, Ukraine, Canada, Mexico, and Cuba. You can visit his web site to read additional articles written by Joseph Mattera by clicking HERE.

Every one of us gets angry with our spouse at some point in our marriage. You can’t live together day in and day out without finding things you disagree about —things that make you really angry with each other. The problem is, how we deal with the anger we feel for our spouse when that occurs. Do we allow our anger to cause problems that hurt our spouse and our marriage or does our anger lead us to find solutions to help our marriage?

“It’s a very natural thing to feel threatened by someone who disagrees with us. Conflicts feel inherently threatening. We very naturally consider that our opinion or way of seeing things is the ‘right’ or ‘better’ way. If we didn’t, we’d change our opinion or way of seeing things. So when people suggest that our way isn’t right or better, we fear that they’ll take us someplace we don’t want to go—and that creates fear. We tend to dig in our heels and try to prove our point to get them to see things our way, and to admit how wrong they are.

“Once we square off as adversaries, however, the outcome is already assured. We don’t even have to play the game. In conflicts you have only two options: You either both win, or you both lose. Your spouse is your teammate, not your enemy. Be careful as you work through struggles. You’re on the same team!” (Dr Gary Smalley, from Smalleyonline Newsletter 5/2/07)

Isn’t that true? We forget that truth. But something else that is important to face, is that not only can our spouse have a problem in how they deal with anger, but we could too.

“Few people want to admit that they have a problem with anger. Most of us readily see the mismanagement of anger on the part of others, but seldom see it in ourselves” (Dr Gary Chapman)

To look at how to deal with the “mismanagement” of anger and what we can do about it, we must first look at a few different ways that we can negatively respond to anger. And to do that we’d like to refer to something that Dr Gary Chapman wrote in his book, The Other Side of Love, published by Moody Press. In this book he writes:

There are two equally devastating response to anger: explosion and implosion. We may think that one is more destructive than the other, but the truth is implosive anger can be as damaging as explosive expressions of anger. Both can occur at varying levels of intensity, yet either response has destructive consequences. They represent destructive ways of responding to anger.

…Some Christians who would deplore explosive expressions of anger fail to reckon with the reality that implosive anger is fully as destructive in the long run. Whereas explosive anger begins with rage and may quickly turn to violence, implosive anger begins with silence and withdrawal but in time leads to resentment, bitterness, and eventually hatred. Implosive anger is typically characterized by three elements: denial, withdrawal, and brooding. Let’s look at each of these.

Those who practice an implosive method of responding to anger often begin by denying that they are angry at all. This response to anger is especially tempting to Christians who have been taught that anger itself is sinful. Thus, one often hears individuals say one of the following:

• “I’m not angry, but I am frustrated.”
• “I’m not angry; I’m just upset.”
• “I’m not angry, but I am disappointed.”
• “I’m not angry; I just don’t like it when people do me wrong.”

In almost all these cases, however, their condition is the same: The people are experiencing anger.

…Suppression of anger, holding anger inside, will eventually lead to physiological and psychological stress. There is a growing body of research that shows a positive correlation between suppressed anger and hypertension, colitis, migraine headaches, and heart disease. However, the pronounced results of suppressing anger are found in its impact upon one’s psychological or emotional health. Internalized anger eventually leads to resentment, bitterness, and often hatred. All of these are explicitly condemned in Scripture and are viewed as sinful responses to anger.

A third characteristic of implosive anger is brooding over the events that stimulated the anger. In the person’s mind, the initial scene of wrongdoing is played over and over like a videotape. He senses his spirit; he relives the events that stimulated the angry emotions. He replays the psychological audiotapes of his own analysis of situation.

How could he be so ungrateful? Look at the number of years I’ve put into the company. He’s only been here five years. He has no idea what’s going on. If he knew how important I am to the company, he wouldn’t treat me this way. I feel like resigning and letting him suffer. Or I feel like appealing to the board and getting him fired.

On and on the tapes play as one wallows in his or her anger. The difficulty is the tapes play only in the person’s head. The anger is never processed with the person involved or with a counselor or trusted friend. The anger is developing into resentment and bitterness. If the process is not interrupted, the person will eventually experience an implosion in the form of an emotional breakdown, depression, or in some cases, suicide.

However, for a growing number of those people who are internalizing anger, the end result will be not an implosion but an explosion. In their desperate emotional state, they will do some act of violence toward the person who wronged them. This is seen over and over again on the nightly news where the employee who was fired nine months ago walks in and shoots the supervisor who fired him.

The child who abused by parent, at the age of fifteen turns on the parents and murders them. The calm and meek husband turns on his wife and destroys her life. Neighbors find these realities almost incredulous. Typically, they say to the reporter, “He seemed like such a nice man. I can’t believe that he would do such a thing.” What the neighbor could not observe was the internalized anger that had been fed by brooding over a long period of time.

It should be obvious that implosive anger is fully as destructive as explosive anger. That is why the Scriptures always condemn internalizing anger. The apostle Paul admonished, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26-27).

Clearly Paul instructed that we are to process anger quickly, not allowing it to linger inside beyond sunset. I suppose that if we get angry after dark, he would give us till midnight, but the principle is that anger is not to be held inside; in fact, to do so is to give the devil a foothold.

That is, we are cooperating with Satan and setting ourselves up to sin even further. The apostle further challenged us to rid ourselves of anger. (See Ephesians 4:31; Colossians 3:8.) This is not an indication that anger itself is a sin; it is an indication that to allow anger to live inside is sinful. Solomon warned that “anger resides in the lap of fools” (Ecclesiastes 7:9).

The key word is resides; the fool lets the anger abide in him. The implication is that those who are wise will see that anger is quickly removed. Anger was designed to be a visitor, never a resident in the human heart.

All of us experience anger. But holding anger inside by denying, withdrawing, and brooding is not the Christian response to anger. In fact, to do so is to violate the clear teachings of Scripture. Bitterness is the result of stored anger, and bitterness is always condemned as sinful in Scripture. (For example, see Acts 8:23; Romans 3:14; Hebrews 12:15.)

In the course of counseling through the years, I have heard teenagers say, “I hate my father.” Almost always such a statement is tied to a series of perceived wrongs committed by the father. The teenager has internalized the hurt and anger and has developed resentment, bitterness, and now hatred toward the father. I have also heard more than one wife say, “I hate my husband,” and I’ve heard husbands express the same about their wives. Without exception, hatred does not develop overnight. Hatred is the result of internalized anger that remains planted in the heart of the individual.

Eventually the emotions of hurt from the internalized anger are replaced. In their stead appear the emotion of bitterness and the attitude of hatred. Almost always those who hate wish ill upon the person at whom they are angry. Sometimes, they end up perpetrating this ill themselves. The internalized anger erupts for all the world to observe.

When someone perpetrates evil upon the individual who wronged them, they have taken the prerogative of God. The Scriptures say, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:19 KJV). When we seek to impose judgment upon those who have wronged us, we will inevitably make things worse.

What positive steps can one take to defuse implosive anger?

• First, admit the tendency to yourself: “It’s true, I hold my anger inside. I find it very difficult to share with others that I am feeling angry. I know I am hurting myself by doing this.” These are the statements that lead to help.

• Second, reveal your problem to a trusted friend or family member. Telling someone else and asking for their advice may help you decide whether you should confront the person or persons with whom you are angry. Perhaps you will chose to “let the offense go,” but at least this will be a conscious choice, and you can release your anger.

• If the person to whom you disclose your anger is unable to give you the help you need, then look for a pastor or counselor who can. Don’t continue the destructive response to anger.

If you would like to see details on the book or purchase the book, The Other Side of Love, by Gary Chapman, which this article came from: (Click Here)

Explosive anger is another way in which many people deal with their frustration. They become so confused or feel that things have spiraled so far out of control that they explode into angry outbursts and rage at their partner—taking “control” of the situation in a more harmful way.

“Although the primary reason for angry outbursts is trying to get what we want, our instinct makes us believe otherwise. It turns it into an issue of injustice. When we are angry we usually feel that someone is deliberately making us unhappy (by not giving us what we want), and what he or she is doing just isn’t fair. In our angry state, we are convinced that reasoning won’t work, and the offender will keep upsetting us until he or she is taught a lesson. The only thing such people understand is punishment, we assume. Then they’ll think twice about making us unhappy again!

“We think we are using anger to protect ourselves, and it offers a simple solution to our problem — destroy the troublemaker. If our spouse turns out to be the troublemaker, we find ourselves hurting the one we’ve promised to cherish and protect. When we’re angry we don’t care about our spouse’s feelings and we are willing to scorch the culprit if it prevents us from being hurt again.” (Dr Harley, from the article, “Angry Outbursts” posted on www.marriagebuilders.com)

So what do you do if you express your anger in explosive and maybe even violent outbursts?

The following are several links to articles on different web sites that may help you with this. We pray you will find them helpful. To read these articles please click onto the links below:

• ANGRY OUTBURSTS

• WHEN COUPLES ARE CRUEL

• DEALING WITH ANGER

• DEALING WITH ANGER — YOURS AND YOUR SPOUSE’S

• MANAGING YOUR ANGER

• HOW DO I STOP ABUSING MY WIFE?

That’s what happened with my husband Steve and me. Our differences came to the surface and eventually separated us from living together in marriage as we vowed we would on our wedding day. We began to act as if we were each other’s worst enemy.

We’re given a warning in Galatians 5:15, that showed itself to be true in our lives: “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” And that’s what happened — we started to destroy our marriage and the people we were each created to be and become.

But thankfully the Lord eventually opened our eyes and began a new work in our individual lives and in our marriage as well.

Recently, we were asked a series of questions by another ministry couple who are in the process of writing a book called Marriage on the Mend. I thought I’d share some of the questions and our answers (and then some additional comments that won’t be featured in the book, hoping they will help your marriage as well, to motivate you all the more to work on the differences that may tend to separate you.

The question was asked:

“How important were God’s time lines and processes to the healing of your marriage?”

Our answer:

We know without a shadow of doubt that if the Lord hadn’t interceded and stirred within our hearts to totally change us, we would not be married today. …We just didn’t know how to work as a marital team. We were two selfish individuals who thought we knew it all, but didn’t have a clue.

It wasn’t until we got on our knees together and asked God to teach us how to make our marriage work, that our marriage started to head in a healthy direction. Even so, it took years before our marriage became what anyone could describe as godly. And the work continues today as God reveals to us different aspects of our selfism that needs to be broken and made into the image of what Christ would have for our lives together.

“In what ways did the process of healing strengthen your relationship with God?”

For us, it was and is the other way around. It’s our continual growth in our personal relationships with God that strengthens our relationship with each other. There are times when I (Cindy) will spout off at Steve in an unkind manner, over something that would make me angry at him. And I can barely make it out of the room before the Lord starts tugging on my heart, letting me know that it doesn’t matter as much what Steve does that angers me — if my reaction to him is disrespectful, than I’m more wrong than he is.

It’s the work of the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart that causes me to go back, apologize and approach things differently. And the same happens to Steve, where the Lord speaks to his heart about a wrong way that he has treated or spoken to me and he turns around and apologizes, and changes the way he approaches our problem.

Sometimes we’re stubborn and it takes us longer than it should, but eventually, because of our individual relationships with the Lord, we can’t live with ourselves knowing we aren’t living His life principles as we are.

Plus, we see ourselves as God’s colleagues in showing love to each other. If we don’t do what is right, we break partnership with God and THAT is even more difficult to live with than violating partnership with our spouse. I love God and Steve gets the benefit. Steve loves God and I get the benefit.

“What/who were the greatest sources of help and support when you first started the healing process?”

We had very little help in the beginning other than from the Lord Himself. We wish we would have had more help… we believe it would have lessened the amount of hurt that we caused each other. That’s why we’re so driven to help others. It may lessen the damage they cause in their relationship and steer them towards a better relationship sooner if they have others encouraging them.

But in the beginning of our healing process, we didn’t know anyone who could guide us like we needed it. We didn’t know of a good counselor, nor have other friends who were also Christians, who knew how to help us. It was by reading our Bibles and eventually by listening to Christian programs on the radio that gave us our guidance as the Holy Spirit led and spoke to our hearts.

“What advice would you give to a couple who just wants a ‘quick-fix’ to their marriage problems?”

How we wish we could say there were “quick” fixes, when it comes to marriage problems! But we sure haven’t seen it to be so. We believe that quick often means temporary. And unless you apply continual prayer, perseverance, skill-building, sometimes many counseling or coaching sessions, and a mindset of being determined to do what it takes to truly “fix” the problems, they will eventually come back and cause more marital destruction again and again.

It takes intentionality and a pro-active mindset to get our marriages to a place where they reflect the heart of Christ. And “quick” isn’t something I see built into God’s timetable very often.

“If you were sitting across the table from a couple who wanted to save their marriage, but were unsure about where to begin, what would you tell them?”

We would tell them that the first place to begin is on their knees. They need to humble themselves before God and start the work as individuals who need to work on their own issues and eventually God will show them how to work together on the issues they have together that are causing their problems.

Even if their spouse is 99.9 per cent in the wrong… it’s the .1 per cent that they are personally responsible for and that is a good place to start.

Another good place to start is to become students of each other and students of what it takes to make a marriage good. They need to look at their spouse with God’s eyes and not their own partial, personally filtered way of looking at them. And they need to learn what they can of their spouse — their likes and dislikes, what has hurt them and what and who has influenced them to become who they are.

As marriage partners, they should partner with God in addressing the needs of each other and treat each other “as unto the Lord.”

And they should also study what makes a marriage good, seeking what they need to learn, and then applying those skills to their relationship to build bridges to help each other. God has a plan for them individually and corporately in their married lives, and it should be their mission to find out what it is and how they can help each other get there.

“What are one or two key verses/passages of the Bible that helped you during the process of your reconciliation and restoration? What was it about those words that you found so helpful?”

“Finally, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me — put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:8-9).

These verses have helped us to quit focusing so much on what is wrong with our spouse, but rather to focus on looking for and bringing out the best with the help of the Lord. If we keep our focus on the negative, the negative will grow bigger than life and will overshadow and eventually overtake the good.

But when we pray for and then apply what we learn from Christ, God’s peace will be with us, even if circumstances don’t change. His peace will rule in our hearts instead of discontentment.

Also, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:4-8).

These verses help us to put our own agenda or “importance” into perspective as we see that even Christ Jesus, who was God Himself, didn’t think so highly of Himself that he felt He was above serving and looking out for the interests of others.  According to the Bible, neither should we. Our attitudes “should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” If He could serve, then so should we.

The problem is, that we tend to forget to “serve” when we become angry. We’re told in Ephesians 4:26-27, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” But most of us give in, none-the-less and instead we entertain the enemy of our faith and hurt our marriage partner and the heart of God.

We’re challenged by the words, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1). The answer of course, is yes. Within our desires, and in our anger with our spouse, we often lose self control and do the very things we know we shouldn’t (See Romans 7:14-25).

Self-control is especially difficult when you are angry with your spouse because you are usually so emotionally tied to what is happening. There is an important point in this to keep in mind that Meg Wilson brings out in the great book, “Hope After Betrayal” (Review or Buy This Book Now). She says,

“Anger is complex. It can be used to get others off track because it derails most conversations and puts people on the defensive. And though it’s not the primary emotion, it can take on a life of its own. Anger actually comes out of deeper emotions that are harder to identify and own. Remember, anger is often the result of hurt, embarrassment, or helplessness, but an angry person rarely addresses the core issue. He or she doesn’t see that the boiling geyser really springs from deeper feelings. They only see red.

“God created all of our emotions with purposes. In the same way that pain from touching a hot stove tells us to move our hand, feeling emotional pain should tell us to move. Our anger should be a yellow warning light. Its flashing should cause us to look at our circumstances carefully and make a change or get help. More often, rage is a red light identifying a pending explosion. Taking the warning, getting all the facts, and finding the truth will ensure an appropriate response instead of an inappropriate reaction.

“It’s hard to imagine our being able to think about appropriate responses when we’re so angry we want to explode. What many women don’t realize is that there’s a space between the emotion and the response. I used to say to others, ‘You make me so mad.’ Then I learned the truth. ‘I make me so mad.’ I decide.

“So how do I decide not to be angry? I have to choose to stop. One way is to process my emotions on paper first (then put the paper in the shredder). When I take time out to think through the issue I’m angry over, the pause keeps my feelings from controlling the situation and prevents further damage.

“Another pause is simple as telling the other person, ‘I’ll have to get back to you while I take the time I need to calm down.’ We must be sure to get back, however, and deal with the person — otherwise nothing is resolved. We’ve avoided the anger but found no solution. Replacing one unhealthy response — exploding — with another — avoiding — is not the goal. The goal is to use the space between anger and response for turning to God for guidance.”

We encourage you to pray and ask God for wisdom. And then apply precept upon precept what He shows you to do. We have a lot of tools on our web site that can help you in all of this.

Also, below are a few links to some articles that you may find helpful in bridging your differences. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

•BRIDGING THE CHASM: Overcoming Distance in Your Marriage

•RESOLVING MARRIAGE CONFLICTS SO BOTH SPOUSES WIN

•MY WIFE AND I NEED HELP GETTING ON THE SAME PAGE — Part One

•MY WIFE AND I NEED HELP —Part Two

•MY WIFE AND I NEED HELP —Part Three

•MY WIFE AND I NEED HELP —Part Four

When you’re done reading the above article:
We encourage you to arrow back to our web site to
leave a comment that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

To help you to better discern the good from the harmful, you will find below, scripture verses dealing with communication. The following verses come from the New International Version of the Bible unless noted otherwise:

• Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few (Ecclesiastes 5:2).

• If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless (James 1:26).

• The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly (Proverbs 15:2).

• The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil (Proverbs 13:28).

• But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned (Matthew 12:37).

• A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction (Proverbs 16:23).

• The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse (Proverbs 10:29).

• A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).

• Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18).

• A wise man fears the Lord and shuns evil, but a fool is hotheaded and reckless. A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated (Proverbs 14:16-17).

• A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly (Proverbs 14:29).

• An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins (Proverbs 29:22).

• Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, lest you learn his ways, and find a snare for yourself (Proverbs 22:24-25).

• A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered (Proverbs 17:27).

• Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him (Proverbs 29:20).

• Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes (Proverbs 26:4-5).

• A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control (Proverbs 29:11).

• A fool’s mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul (Proverbs 18:7).

• A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions (Proverbs 18:2).

• Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue (Proverbs 17:28).

• The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools (Ecclesiastes 9:17).

• Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is that Head, that is, Christ (Ephesians 4:15).

• The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin (Proverbs 10:8).

• Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly (2 Timothy 2:16).

• When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise (Proverbs 10:19).

• A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of fools blurts out folly (Proverbs 12:23).

• Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Ephesians 4:29).

• Pleasant words are a honey comb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones (Proverbs 16:24).

• A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver (Proverbs 25:11).

• The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value (Proverbs 10:20.)

• The tongue of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment (Proverbs 10:21).

• The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4).

• The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked (Proverbs 10:11).

• The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood, but the speech of the upright rescues them (Proverbs 12:6).

• The lips of the wise spread knowledge; not so the hearts of fools (Proverbs 15:7).

• The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse (Proverbs 10:32).

• Better a poor man whose walk is blameless than a fool whose lips are perverse (Proverbs 19:1).

• Put away perversity from your mouth keep corrupt talk far from your lips (Proverbs 4:24).

• He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin (Proverbs 13:3).

• He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity (Proverbs 21:23).

• Rid yourselves of all malice and deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind (1 Peter 2:1).

• A man of perverse heart does not prosper; he whose tongue is deceitful falls into trouble (Proverbs 17:20).

• Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment (Proverbs 12:19).

• The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful (Proverbs 12:22).

• My mouth speaks what is true, for my lips detest wickedness. All of the words of my mouth are just; none of them is crooked or perverse (Proverbs 8:7-8).

• An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips (Proverbs 24:26).

• The righteous hate what is false, but the wicked bring shame and disgrace (Proverbs 13:5).

• Above all, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your “Yes” be yes, and your “No,” no, or you will be condemned (James 5:12).

• He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy (Proverbs 28:13).

• The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit (Proverbs 18:21).

• A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control (Proverbs 29:11).

• Words from a wise man’s mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips. At the beginning his words are folly; at the end they are wicked madness—and the fool multiplies words. (Ecclesiastes 10:12-13).

• Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city (Proverbs 16:32).

• A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11).

• Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife (Proverbs 17:1).

• Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5).

• Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. (Proverbs 26:12).

• When pride comes, then disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. (Proverbs 11:2).

• Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor. (Proverbs 18:2).

• Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall (Proverbs 16:18).

• Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice (Proverbs 13:10).

• If you have played the fool and exalted yourself, or if you have planned evil, clap your hand over your mouth! For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife (Proverbs 30:32-33).

• What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight (James 4:1-2a).

• Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out (Proverbs 17:14).

• It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel (Proverbs 20:3).

• He who loves a quarrel loves sin; he who builds a high gate invites destruction (Proverbs 17:19).

• If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other (Galatians 5:15).

• The evil man is trapped by his sinful talk, but a righteous man escapes trouble. From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him (Proverbs 12:13-14).

• If a man pays back evil for good, evil will never leave his house (Proverbs 17:13).

• The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down (Proverbs 14:1).

• A foolish son is his father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping (Proverbs 19:13).

• A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand (Proverbs 27:15-16).

• Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife (Proverbs 21:19).

• Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife (Proverbs 25:24).

• Wives, be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight (1 Peter 3:1-4).

• Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers (1 Peter 3:7).

• Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing (1 Peter 3:8-9).

• Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor [spouse], for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:25-27).

• In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice… Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind (1 Peter 2:11).

• If you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth, then do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor’s [spouse's] hands: Go humble yourself; press your plea with your neighbor [spouse]! Allow no sleep to your eyes, no slumber to your eyelids. (Proverbs 6:2-5).

• Remind the people… to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men (Titus 3:2).

• Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe (Philippians 2:14-15).

• Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many (Hebrews 12:14-15).

• Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification (Romans 14:19).

• When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly (1 Corinthians 4:12-13a).

• Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will (2 Timothy 2:23-26).

• And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:30-32).

• Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

• Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up on meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching (Hebrews 10:24-25).

• Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves (Romans 12:9-10).

• Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God (Ephesians 5:1-2).

• I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace (Ephesians 4:1-3).

• If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18).

• The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness (James 3:17-18).

• Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ (Philippians 1:27a.).

• Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you. Greet one another with a holy kiss (2 Corinthians 13:11-12a).

• Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near (Philippians 4:5).

• Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him (Colossians 3:17).

• We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).

• Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is a wise man’s rebuke to a listening ear (Proverbs 25:12).

• Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance (Proverbs 1:5).

• The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice (Proverbs 12:15).

• The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly (Proverbs 15:14).

• He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. (Proverbs 15:31).

• He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame (Proverbs 18:13).

• The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out (Proverbs 18:15).

• Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise (Proverbs 19:20).

• Apply your heart to instruction and your ears to words of knowledge (Proverbs 23:12).

• Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it —he will be blessed in what he does. If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. (James 1:19-26).

The truth is we ALL have times when we don’t communicate as we should. And a lot of how we interact with each other can be seen by experts (and maybe even our spouse) as “game-playing.” By game-playing, we’re talking about communication traps we use that can throw our “opponent” off and give us, what we perceive to be, the winning edge, in an argument. The motive: that way we can “win” and the other person (our spouse) will lose and hopefully see how wrong they were.

But how foolish that kind of reasoning can be! What makes us out to be the “winners” when in order to win, our spouse has to lose, feel defeated, and possibly feel humiliated? We ALL lose in that type of scenario! And the marriage itself especially becomes the loser!

As we examine the communication traps we’ll be listing below from various resources, we can see that there are so many ways we can sabotage our “discussions” with each other as we try to work out our differences. Prayerfully, as we identify our own styles of game-playing we’ll better see how we behave in ways that our spouse could see as unfair and will work to eliminate it in our behavior.

As Jeff and Lora Helton in their book Authentic Marriages point out, “Couples tend to operate under a secret barter system. The key word in the system is ‘fair,’ the key concept is ‘keeping score,’ and the key phrase is ‘It’s my turn now.’”

The reality is that there is no such thing as perfect fairness—at least on a human level. A lot of the ways we communicate comes from learned behavior we’ve picked up from others who have “modeled” it before us. Or it may result from behavior we’ve adapted out of a “survival mode” we’ve developed because of painful experiences. It can also come out of a personal perception of what’s fair and what isn’t—sometimes forgetting to take into consideration that our spouse may approach the problem differently because of a variant perception of “fairness.”

Let’s face it, whenever we try to gain leverage over our spouse in a manipulative way, there’s some type of “game playing” involved. And game playing ISN’T something that a spouse should do when serious communication is involved—in essence it’s childish and immature behavior!

As Believer’s in Christ, and as husbands and wives, we’re told to put away “childish behavior.” (See 1 Corinthians 13:11.) We’re also told to “speak the truth in love.” The Helton’s go on to say:

“In Ephesians 4:15 Paul challenged Christians to live a life of ’speaking the truth in love.’ Our tendency is to do well on 50% of that verse. Some of us have mastered ’speaking the truth.’ We’re quick to point out anything that we see or perceive in our spouse and are willing to use any method (attacking, judging, etc.) to drive the point home.

Others of us are stuck at the “in love” part of confrontation. We’ve come to believe in complete acceptance and tolerance of any behavior. Often we become paralyzed with a fear of hurting someone’s feelings and withdraw into passivity and silence.

Speaking the truth in love combines both of these concepts to allow us to confront sinful behavior without compromise, yet with absolute care and respect for the individual, saying things in a way that the person can accept. When a couple takes the stance of living out Paul’s challenge of ’speaking the truth in love’ to each other, the old models of judging and passivity must disappear.”

We need to be “on the alert” as the Bible talks about, so we learn to steer clear of that which can cause damage in the way we relate to each other. If the enemy of our faith can get us to fight against each other—we’re not fighting him. And even more importantly, we’re hurting the Kingdom of God and we fail each other when we don’t communicate in a God-honoring way.

True communication is supposed to compose of building a connection with each other—otherwise there is a breakdown in communication. As Dallas and Nancy Demmitt, in their terrific book, Can You Hear Me Now? say on this subject:

Let’s face it, the majority of our struggles in life—whether in a relationship with God, a spouse, a friend, or a colleague—center on a breakdown in communication. Unfortunately, many people have a wrong concept about the keys to communication.

The majority of people treat the process of communication like an airplane ride. They have a place they want to take us and they want to get us there quickly. Other people see communication as a subway, which has a preplanned route, unmovable guidelines, and a hidden agenda beneath the surface. In reality, good communication is more like a bridge.

Consider two people standing on opposite sides of a large canyon without a bridge to connect them. They have no way to reach one another—no way to communicate or collaborate or touch each other’s lives. Now insert a bridge between them. With the bridge in place, each person can walk across to see the world from a different perspective. They can travel freely back and forth to broaden their viewpoint and enrich their experience. Now they can pool resources and unite around common goals.

But not just any bridge will do. People need a bridge they can trust—a strong, safe structure that will support them and the ones they love in good times and bad.

It’s all about building a good bridge to communication and tearing down whatever obstructs the way of making that happen. This includes “pro-actively” learning all we need to so that we are truly eliminating “childish behavior” on our part, “speaking the truth in love.”

With this in mind we want to provide the following “lists” that come from various resources. You’ll need to find a way to obtain the resources for further explanation on their parts as to how to combat the type of game playing that each author describes.

Our intent in this article is to make you aware of just SOME of the different games people can play during their “communication times” so that you will see yourselves in a way that you may never have recognized before.

We pray that this will motivate you to DO something about your own behavior and “put away childish things” that hurt your marriage. That is our prayer for you… and for us. We pray that together, we’ll make our marriages the best they can be with the power of, and for the testimony of, our awesome God.

(2 Corinthians 10:5 NASB)

All of us entered marriage with deeply entrenched patterns of thinking programmed in us since childhood. (David and Teresa Ferguson)

Here are the lists of various “games” people play with each other. Each author has a different “spin” on them, but together they give you a general idea that could be helpful:

The following is edited from:
INTIMATE ENCOUNTERS -By David and Teresa Ferguson
Contact them at www.greatcommandment.net

Listed below are 6 of the most common unhealthy thinking patterns that contribute to emotional pain. We all seem to fall victim to one of more of these patterns from time-to-time:

• Personalizing
• Magnifying
• Over-generalizing
• Emotional Reasoning
• Polarizing/Selective Abstraction
• Minimizing

How do we defeat unhealthy thought patterns? Before you can begin to correct unhealthy thought patterns, you must clearly identify them. Let’s take a closer look at them individually:

PERSONALIZING—Life Events Are Personal Rejections and Attacks: It’s taking external events as personal rejections and attacks—overestimating the extent an event is related to him or her.

MAGNIFYING—Making Mountains Out of Molehills: It’s taking life’s events and exaggerating them until everything seems like a catastrophe. We take nickel and dime incidents and turn them into million dollar crises.

OVERGENERALIZING—History Always Repeats Itself: Generalizing is relying on past events to predict the future— casting doubts on your adequacy, and preventing you from trusting others or yourself. They hold on to past hurts, failures, and rejections, and recite them as evidence for their gloomy attitude toward the future. They figure, “Why try? The past will just repeat itself.”

EMOTIONAL REASONING—Interpreting Feelings as Facts: Emotional reasoning is confusing feelings with facts. Regardless of the evidence to the contrary, the person’s convinced that if they felt it, it must be so. What they feel, they think is true—despite what anyone else says to the contrary.

POLARIZING—Seeing Everything as Black or White: “Polarizing” is a perfectionistic thinking pattern that views life as all-or-nothing, good-or-bad, and/or black-or-white. They classify events as right or wrong, good or bad; and they judge their performance (or their spouse’s) on the basis of their own impossible standards.

SELECTIVE ABSTRACTION (An off shoot of Polarizing) Missing the Forest for the Trees: Selective Abstraction is focusing so intently on a few negative traits that the positive ones are overlooked. It’s focusing on what’s wrong rather than on what’s right—spending precious time and energy fussing over a few minor problems instead of investing their energies on positive solutions.

MINIMIZING—It Really Doesn’t Matter: “Minimizing” is denying or discounting any feelings associated with significant events of one’s life. They shut down their emotions and shrug their shoulders over life’s significant hurts and events. It can have a chilling effect on marriages.

The following is edited from:
BECOMING A COUPLE OF PROMISE –By Dr. Kevin Leman
Published by NavPress www.navpress.com

7 UNFAIR FIGHTING TACTICS

Learn to fight fair. Refrain from:

UNIVERSALIZING: Making an unwarranted leap from a specific situation to a vast generalization. (This often makes use of “always” and “never.”)

CHARACTER KILLING: Switching from the issues of the conflict to making a personal attack on your spouse. (This may include sarcasm for a more devastating effect.)

CLOUD COVERING: Making a vague, foggy accusation instead of being detailed and specific about the complaint. (Again, sarcasm helps!)

UPPING THE ANTE: Instead of responding to the hurt or anger of your spouse, you just play “tit-for-tat” by citing a worse case that’s been done to you.

SCATTER BOMBING: Overwhelming your spouse with a barrage of faults and misdeeds that land all over the map. Dropping into the conversation a huge list of sins (usually unrelated)—including everything and the kitchen sink!

MOTH BALLING: Putting an old grievance in storage—for years or decades—and bringing it out at just the right time to hurt your spouse.

SPITTING IN YOUR SOUP: Using passive-aggressive comments to lay the guilt on the other party. Often involves sarcasm.

Another unhealthy thinking pattern is:

MIND READING:
Expecting your spouse to “know instinctively” what you expect.

A few insights on this expectation:

• “Anger can be generated by mind reading. In your mind you create your own reasons for why your spouse did what he or she did and you project those reasons onto him.” (From the book: More Communication Keys for Your Marriage –By Dr. Norman Wright)

• “Keep in mind that hinting, pouting, and sighing won’t get the desired results. You need to ask clearly.” (Men Read Newspapers, Not Minds –By Sandra Aldrich)

• “Mind reading should not be your expected form of communication.” (From the book: Men Read Newspapers, Not Minds –By Sandra Aldrich)

• “Families are often spared heartache when the husband isn’t required to read his wife’s mind.” (From the book: Men Read Newspapers, Not Minds –By Sandra Aldrich)

The following comes from an article titled:
KICK ‘EM OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM
-By Harold and Bette Gillogly www.marriages.net

The Sexual Approach/Avoidance Game: One of you has a greater sex drive than the other. Generally men have a higher sex drive than women, but that’s not always the case. The game starts when the spouse who has the higher sex drive starts believing he or she has to ask or hint for sex 6 or 7 times in order to get it once.

You feel like you have to go through this pattern, this game, in order to get sex one time. The problem with this is every time you hint, every time you ask, is seen as a full-blown approach to your mate with the lower sex drive. So what it looks like to your mate is approach, approach, approach, approach… that can be very intimidating.

If I were to run as fast as I can at you, would you want to lean forward to catch me or would you step back out of the way so you wouldn’t get run over? You’d step back out of the way, right? That’s called self-protection. That’s what happens with the mate who has the lower sex drive. She or he will back off from you out of self-protection and start avoiding sex altogether. If you are the “Approacher” in the Approach/Avoidance game, you are actually lowering your mate’s sex drive. That’s not what you want. You both have to talk about this. Together you have to confess you are playing this game.

If you are playing the game, you must decide together what you are going to do about it, because it takes both of you to stop it. If you’re the “Approacher,” you’ve got to back off lovingly without even subtly trying to lay guilt on your mate. If you lay guilt, you’ll lower your mate’s sex drive. You’ll shoot yourself in the foot. Back off lovingly.

If you are the “Avoidee,” then you have a responsibility here too. Talk about how you have been playing this game and together decide that it’s going to stop. As the “Avoidee,” you must be honest with your mate and with yourself. You can now stop avoiding sex with your mate, because he (or she) is going to stop approaching you so much. Start learning to talk together about your sexual desires. Learn how to mutually give to one another. Think about loving and giving to your mate, not about taking.

We’ve had “Approachers” complain to us, “I quit approaching last week and it’s not fixed yet!” We have to ask, “How long have you played the game?” You see, if you’ve played this game for years and years, don’t expect that in a week or two you’re going to turn things around and everything is going to be hunky-dory again. It’s going to take time and effort, but if you work on this together, you can stop playing this game.

From the Document:
WHICH GAMES DO YOU PLAY?
(From: Dr Phil: http://drphil.com/articles/article/110/
which, if you visit it, you can view other “Related Links” )

Dr. Phil wants you to take a look inward at the roles and games you may be playing — and the consequences they can have on your most important relationships.

Which self-defeating games are you playing?

Playing the nice guy.
Do you tell people what they want to hear and just go along to get along?

Don’t participate.
Do you say “count me out” so you don’t have to take any chances?

Be a problem.
Don’t want to do the dishes? Is your strategy to just break a few so you won’t be asked again?

Change the game.
About 30 seconds into a “discussion,” have you changed the rules and the topic?

Hiding behind judgments.
Are you using your judgments of others as an excuse to disengage?

My way or the highway.
Do you always have to be right?

Get them before they get me.
Attack! Attack! Attack! It’s the “You can’t fire me, I quit!” attitude.

Analyze your situation and ask yourself these two questions:

• We often play these games because we have fear. What are you afraid you’re going to lose?
• What could you gain if you didn’t play these games?

From the Document:
CONTAMINATING A RELATIONSHIP:
(From Dr Phil: http://drphil.com/articles/article/22
which if you visit it you view other “Related Links”)

Every one of us has an irrational and destructive emotional side to our personality. This dark side can sabotage your relationship in an insidious way.

Below are the most common characteristics of what Dr. Phil calls “bad spirits,” and how they can impact a relationship.

You’re a Scorekeeper
Competing can quickly turn a relationship into an ugly battle of one-oneupmanship. How can you possibly be a winner if it is at the expense of making the person you supposedly love a loser? Solid relationships are built on sacrifice and caring, not power and control. Competitiveness can drain the joy, confidence and productivity out of any relationship.

You’re a Faultfinder
There is nothing wrong with constructive criticism if it is designed to improve the relationship. But it can often give way to constant faultfinding — in which you obsess over the flaws and imperfections rather than find value in your partner. Get off your partner’s back and you may see your partner moving toward you.

You Think It’s Your Way or the Highway
If you’ve always got to be right, then you’re ready to fight till the end. No truer words were ever spoken, says Dr. Phil; you will fight to the end… the end of your relationship. You can’t be self-righteous or obsessed with control and do what’s best for the relationship at the same time.

You Turn Into an Attack Dog
When you get in an argument, do you have a killer stare, a harsh tone and hurtful words? Attack dogs may experience short-term gain, but the target of the abuse becomes filled with bitterness and resentment. While it’s easy to fall into viciousness, it’s much harder to repair the resulting consequences.

You are a Passive Warmonger
Instead of fault-finding or engaging in character assassination, these toxic partners try to thwart their partner by constantly doing that which they deny they are doing — in such an indirect way as to escape accountability if they are confronted. A passive aggressive person is as much of an overbearing controller as the most aggressive, in-your-face person you could imagine — only they do it insidiously and underhandedly.

You Resort to Smoke and Mirrors
Because you lack the courage to get real about what is driving the pain and problems in your relationship, you criticize your partner about one thing when you’re really upset about another. What is real never gets voiced, and what gets voiced is never real. The real issues will eventually burst forth in a torrid way.

You Will Not Forgive
When you choose to bear anger at your partner, you trap yourself in pain and agony — and the negative energy can crowd every other feeling out of your heart. If you wallow in resentment and refuse to forgive and move on, you will tear up your own life and your relationship. You can’t change the past but you can deal with the resulting feelings and hurt by truly forgiving.

You Are the Bottomless Pit
Are you so needy that you constantly undermine your chances of success? Can you never get enough satisfaction, love, attention or appreciation? Your partner will be frustrated by never seeming able to “fill you up.” We all want reassurance, but an insatiable appetite for it never gives your partner any rest. Free yourself from the internalized sense of inadequacy, and find other ways to feel your self-worth and value.

You’re Too Comfortable
If you’re in a comfort zone, you are failing to meet your responsibilities in the relationship. You aren’t contributing, you aren’t stimulating, and you aren’t energizing. If you don’t make a move, it becomes easier and easier to stagnate.

You’ve Given Up
When so many bad spirits crowd your life, you cannot imagine there being any way out. You become so forlorn, lonely, isolated, negative, cynical, and far from your core of consciousness that you believe you’re trapped. Be strong enough to confront your problems instead of giving up.

It’s almost as if you’re operating in a different language system from each other. And essentially you are! It’s possible that:

“Your wife has been telling you dozens of things, and most of them have little to do with the words she has been speaking. Since you aren’t a mind reader, you probably feel baffled by the whole thing. But there are secrets to this business of loving and understanding your wife.”

Do you want to know what those “secrets” are?

That’s what writer Kyle Minor would like to help you with, as he aims to clue you in on “14 ways to sharpen your language skills” with your wife so you better understand each other.

The article he writes appears on the web site for New Man Magazine. To help you in your understanding and to learn some important keys to improve your communication with your wife, click onto the link below:

•  WHAT YOU SAY, WHAT SHE HEARS

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

One tried-and-true strategy for working with anger is what we call the Triple P Method. It’s a helpful way to remain calm when you feel as though your anger is escalating to potentially dangerous level. The Triple P Method stands for three action steps: Pause. Ponder. Pray.

PAUSE:

The first step is to deliberately stop, breathe deeply, and allow that boiling energy to drain away. Buy yourself some time. This lets your body and emotions cool down before you take action. You may even want to take a break and get away from whatever situation might be triggering your anger.

Have you ever noticed that the angrier we feel, the dumber we get? It’s not only a perception; it’s a proven fact. Anger reduces the oxygen to the brain, and our thinking gets foggy. When we’re angry, we do ourselves a favor to pause, disengage from whatever might be fueling our fire, and calm ourselves down.

With emotional pressure building and swirling at high speed, the internal energy will be seeking a release. If we don’t purposely open a release valve and let some of it out, we can become like a pressure cooker on the verge of exploding. But if we pause, we give ourselves a chance to let go of some of this pent-up energy.

The following list has some good ideas for discharging inner tension… before it explodes! Here are seven ways to trigger a calm response:

1. Take in a deep breath, count to five, then slowly let it out, and relax. (Old advice, but it works!)

2. Tune in to your body and deliberately relax whatever is tense.

3. Walk around the room and shake out the tension.

4. Get a drink of water.

5. Lean back in your chair in a relaxed fashion.

6. Massage the back of your neck and shoulders.

7. Warm a heating pad and place it on your shoulders or lower back.

PONDER:

Anger doesn’t have to escalate. We can choose cool words over hot words when we talk to ourselves abut what might be bothering us or driving our feelings of frustration. Self-awareness is an important key to managing anger because it allows us to monitor our tension and effectively release it. People who are skilled in managing their anger do this almost intuitively. They have a keen awareness of what is bothering them, and purposely turn down the heat on their anger so that it doesn’t’ burn them or boil over one others.

This has tremendous power to reduce tension and help us cope in the heat of the moment. Even hot anger doesn’t have to boil over. Cool words can keep our anger in check and prevent us from fueling fires that harm ourselves or others.

COOL WORDS TO USE WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY:

• Getting angry won’t get me what I want in the long run.
• Think straight. Keep focused. Stay positive.
• Keep reason and respect number one.
• Don’t blame. Look for solutions.
• This situation isn’t worth a coronary.
• This problem is annoying, but it doesn’t have to be a big deal.
• I don’t have to take this personally.
• What seems so important today won’t seem so a few months from now.
• I can pick my fights and save my energy for more important issues.
• When the time is right, talk slow… talk soft.

PRAY:

When we talk to God about our wounds and our anger, we do so for our sake, not His. He already knows the secrets of our heart. I’m not talking abut prayers consisting of fancy, pious, religious words. I’m talking abut authentically sharing our thoughts and feelings with God, as we would with our safest and most trusted friend. Some of the best prayers have more feelings than words. Whispers in the dark, cries from a lonely heart, sighs of confusion, and fumbling utterances offered to God will find their way to His ears, and He will answer.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how, or what, to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves.(Romans 8:26-27, The Message)

David, author of many of the psalms, mastered the art of venting his anger in prayer. I love his bold honesty with God:

My enemies shout at me, making loud and wicked threats. They bring trouble on me, hunting me down in their anger… Destroy them, Lord, and confuse their speech, for I see violence and strife… Let death seize my enemies by surprise; let the grave swallow them alive, for evil makes its home within them… I will call on God, and the LORD will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I plead aloud in my distress, and the LORD hears my voice. He rescues me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me, even though many still oppose me… Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. (Psalm 55:3, 9, 15-18, 22, NLT)

Rather than taking matters into his hands, David dumped his anger into God’s lap, or as it says in The Message, he piled his troubles on God’s shoulders (Psalm 55:22). He asked God to take up his cause and bring revenge. His example challenges us. When we are angry, we feel a natural compulsion to act fast. We are driven to “set things straight” and balance the scales. It’s basic human nature to want to reestablish justice in an unfair situation. Rather than depending on God, we take over. Our sense of justice screams, “If anything is going to be made right, I have to make it happen!”

The ways of the world are very different from the ways of God. We are advised to leave the how and when of revenge to God: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil… Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:17, 19, 21). Someone once said, “He who seeks revenge digs two graves.”

Justice will reign. God will initiate it, and God will complete it. He will either do it now, or He will do it later. It is God’s promise to us. God is our avenger, right now, this very moment. Jesus stands today in the Father’s presence as our Advocate. “We have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One” (1 John 2:1). The Holy Spirit is alongside us like legal counsel in a court case, representing us and fighting for our best interests: “The Spirit Himself intercedes for us” (Romans 8:26).

I have talked often with God about these truths during difficult time in my life. Prayers based on these ideas have tempered my anger over setbacks and losses, reminding me of the bigger picture. Ultimately there is no situation in life that can defeat us because of who God is in us. He is greater than what assails us. He is more powerful than those who wound us. His plans and purposes for our life cannot be thwarted by anyone or anything, no matter how black things may seem.

Every pain, every sorrow, every ounce of anger surrendered to God will not be wasted. He takes it all-the good, the bad, the outrageously unfair—and puts a positive spin on it so that it ultimately works for our eternal good. “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them” (Romans 8:28, NLT).

The above article comes from the book, THE WOUNDED WOMAN – Hope and Healing for Those Who Hurt -By Dr Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt, published by Multnomah Publishers, www.multnomahbooks.com. There was a lot more that we wish we could include in this article on this subject including how to “Renounce Replays and Revenge” and reviewing several steps to help you experience the freedom of forgiveness, plus other helpful bits of wisdom so we encourage you to obtain this book wherever it is sold or through their web site.

This is a good book for women filled who are finding it difficult to cope with some of the tragedies that plague them. It offers you the pathway to regain your footing, restart your life, recover your energy, and reclaim your joy. Contained within its pages are real-life testimonies that will guide you toward recovery and inspire you to press forward in newfound strength-not in spite of your wounds but because of them. As Dr Stephens says,

“We cannot change the past. What has occurred—with all of its hurt, injustice, cruelty, disappointment, and tragedy —has slipped into history, beyond our control. Even so, we can change how we view the painful realities that have touched our life and what we say to ourselves about those realities.” The mission of this book is to help you move forward as you work through your pain, “reminding you that there is hope that you are not alone. God never promised to keep us from wounds, but He did promise to be with us and to help us heal.”

Excerpted from The Wounded Woman © 2006 by Dr. Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

“I’ve been an angry man for years. In fact, I was even angry as a child. I’d rant and rave, stomp, pout, hold my breath, and throw all sorts of temper tantrums,” Richard said with a strong, firm voice.

“As an adult I’ve destroyed one relationship after another with my anger. I swear at all the idiot drivers on the road and the stupid pedestrians who think they can cross the street anywhere. I have no patience with sales people, and I don’t trust those in authority. In the past I’ve beaten my wife and children. I just can’t seem to control my temper. How do I deal with all this anger?”

The first step in learning how to deal with your anger is wanting to change. Until a person really wants to do something about the problem, little will be accomplished. The next step is to determine which of the two major divisions of dealing with anger we’re talking about. We can deal with anger either before we have the “feelings” of anger or after we have them.

One of the best ways to deal with anger is “preventative maintenance.” If you can learn to stop anger before it gets started, you will take an important and positive step forward.

There are many different things you can do to work on this area of your life:

• You may find it helpful to establish a plan for reading in your aspect of need. A good start would be with a Bible study on anger, followed by a study on forgiveness and one on patience.

• You may find that you can avoid angry outbursts by avoiding situations that trigger your anger. Agreed, it’s best to resolve anger-producing situations, but this isn’t always possible. In that case, reduce the contact to a minimum. You need to learn to premeditate your pressure points. As the adage says it, to be forewarned is to be forearmed.

Do not associate with a man given to anger;
Or go with a hot-tempered man.
Lest you learn his ways,
And find a snare for yourself. (Proverbs 22:24-25, NASB)

• You need to realize that you’re responsible to choose how you’ll respond in anger-producing situations. No one “makes you angry.” Anger is your response to others’ actions. You make you angry. If you’re going to attend a party and know ahead of time that someone will be there who doesn’t like you or whom you don’t care for, you can ask for God’s guidance. He will help you to respond as you should. If you’re willing.

It might be helpful to relax a bit. Perhaps you have been taking life too seriously. Perhaps the problems aren’t as big as you think they are. Perhaps it would be good for you to develop a sense of humor. If we sometimes take a step backward, we can see the humorous side of life and of what we think are impossible problems.

You might learn to ask yourself questions like What would Jesus do in this situations? How would He respond? Do I need to get angry? Will anger help me to handle the issue or conflict any better?

• Ask God to help you to learn how to control your tongue. Someone has said, “The tongue is in a wet place and easily slips.” The key for controlling your tongue is to plan ahead. Decide before you get into a stress situation that you won’t speak to hurt and destroy the other person. God will give you the strength to do this is this is your desire. In James 3:2-18 we read:

“For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well. Now if we put the bits into the horses’ mouths so that they may obey us, we direct their entire body as well. Behold, the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder, wherever the inclination of the pilot desires.

So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. Behold, how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell.

For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed, and has been tamed by the human race. But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father; and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way.

Does a fountain send out from the same opening both fresh and bitter water? Can a fig tree, my brethren, produce olives, or a vine produce figs? Neither can salt water produce fresh. Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. for where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. And the seed whose fruit is righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace (NASB).”

• Determine that you will be honest and loving whenever possible.

Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood.
But who can stand before jealousy?
Better is open rebuke
Than love that is concealed.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend.
But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. (Proverbs 27:4-6)

Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. (Ephesians 4:25)

Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice is unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. … But now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 13, all NASB)

• An important step in dealing with anger is to face or admit your angry feelings. Recognize and admit the fact that you are angry. This is very difficult for some people to do. From childhood they were told not to be angry: “Anger is a sin. You are bad if you are angry.” So they began to use other words to describe their angry feelings, because it would be terrible to admit that they were angry. Shakespeare wrote, “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” I would like to say, “Anger by any other name is still anger.”

Listed below are a few of the words we use to express that we are angry when we don’t want to own up to our anger. In reality they only describe the various degrees of anger:

Inflamed Moody… Begrudge … Hot … Enraged … Loathe … Repulsed … Disgusted … Disdain … Sore … Despise … Annoyed … Huffy … Abhor … Resentful … Furious … Kid … Infuriated … Criticize … Uptight … Mad … Scorn … Irritated … Exasperated …Laugh at … Frustrated … Irked …Grieved … Miffed … Worked up … Cool … Hurt … Griped … Fed Up … Troubled … Vexed … Sick … Offended … Crushed … Burned Up … Sarcastic … Incensed … Cranky … Testy … Grumpy … Wounded … Damaged … Provoked … Catty … Bitter … Grouchy … Touchy … Mean … Ill-tempered … Out of Sorts … Spiteful … Cross … Savage … Vicious … Jealous

Dealing with Anger Mentally: Listed below are a number of steps that will help you when you become aware of and admit to your anger. They will help you before you verbalize or demonstrate your angry thoughts and feelings.

• Get more information before you respond. Sometimes we perceive or assume that certain things are happening when they really aren’t. When we get more information, our thoughts and feelings may change. When we have more information concerning an event, many times it will alter the way we feel and respond. We need to learn to ask ourselves, “Are my angry feelings justified or unjustified?”

Technically, an event in and out of itself doesn’t trigger the emotion of anger; it’s actually our perception of the event that triggers the emotion of anger.

The more you perceive that someone is deliberately doing something to harm you or to irritate you, the more angry you will become. If a husband is late for dinner, the wife has a choice. She can perceive or think to herself, “I’m disappointed. I went to all the work to prepare dinner and he didn’t show up on time. I wish things like this wouldn’t happen, but they do. I will live. I’ll get over it. I’m sure he didn’t do it on purpose.” Or the wife can choose to say to herself. “He did that on purpose! He wants to hurt me! He wants to get revenge! He knew that I would really feel bad about this.”

If the wife thinks about the situation long enough, she can build up a case against her spouse. If the wife chooses to attack her husband, he will probably respond negatively to her attack and say something sharp. This causes the wife to feel justified in her attack, because “You can see how he responded! He’s so mean!” And round and round it goes.

• Go to the memory file. If you find yourself getting upset with someone, ask yourself, “Who does this person remind me of?” You might ask yourself, “Is this situation that I’m in (and the anger I feel) similar to another situation I’ve been in before?” As you review your memories, you may be surprised as to how much hurt and anger you carry with you, ready to deposit it onto another person.

• Become aware of displaced anger. I personally believe that 80 – 90% of all anger is displaced anger. By this I mean that we’re angry abut one thing, but we take it out on people unconnected with that. There is usually something else annoying us rather than the present event or person.

Displaced anger is exemplified by the boss who yells at his employee, who then goes home and yells at his wife, who then yells at the child. The child kicks the dog. The dog chases the cat, etc. Are you displacing your anger? Are you transferring your anger to your driving? Because of your angry thoughts, do you press harder on the gas pedal? Do you tickle your children unmercifully and not stop when they ask you to?

Are you playing rougher with your dog than you should? Are you short of patience? Do you find yourself wishing people would hurry up and get to the point in their conversation? Then you may have a great deal of displaced anger. Ask God to help you deal with the real cause of your anger rather than taking it out on others.

• Remind yourself that God is in control. God is not caught off-guard by what is happening to you. He doesn’t say, “I didn’t know you were going to get angry.” Sometimes God allows unpleasant circumstances and events to come into our lives so that we might grow and learn to trust Him more.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady. Then, when that happens, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know that all is well, for we know how dearly God loves us, and we feel warm love everywhere within us because God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. (Romans 5:3-5)

Dear brothers, is your life is full of difficulties and temptations? Then happy, for when the way is rough, your patience has a chance to grow. So let it grow, and don’t try to squirm out of your problems. For when your patience is finally in full bloom, then you will be ready for anything, strong in character, full and complete. (James 1:2-4)

• Tell God how angry you are. In learning to deal with your anger you may find it helpful to read the Psalms. The psalmist often told God how angry he was. He would tell God that he needed His help. The Psalmist is our example of talking to God about our anger.

I said, “I will guard my ways,
That I may not sin with my tongue;
I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle.
While the wicked are in my presence.”
I was dumb and silent. I refrained even from good;
And my sorrow grew worse.
My heart was hot within me;
While I was musing the fire burned;
Then I spoke with my tongue;
“LORD, make me to know my end.
And what is the extent of my days,
Let me know how transient I am.” (Psalm 39:1-4 NASB)

• Learn to deal with the sin of your anger. Face your anger as sin! The giant step in overcoming anger is to face it squarely as sin in most cases. The minute you try to justify it, explain, it, or blame someone else, you are incurable. I’ve never known anyone to have victory over a sin unless he was convinced it was wrong! This is particularly true of anger. Consider God’s commands to Cease from anger and forsake wrath or Let all bitterness and anger be put away from you.

• Confess every angry thought or deed as soon as it occurs. This is a giant step based on 1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (NASB)

• Ask God to take away this angry habit pattern. 1 John 5:14-15 assures us that if we ask anything according to the will of God. He not only hears us, but also answers our requests. Since we know it is not God’s will that we be angry, we can be assured of victory if we ask Him to take away the habit pattern. Although secular man may remain a slave to habit, the Christian must not. We’re admittedly victims of habit, but we need not become addicted to patterns of conformity when we have at our disposal the power of the Spirit of God.

• Think only good, wholesome, and positive thoughts. The human mind cannot tolerate a vacuum; it always has to dwell on something. Make sure your mind concentrates on what the Scripture approves, such as things that are “Honest, … just, … pure, … lovely,… of good report, … virtue, … and praiseworthy” (Philippians 4:8, KJV). People with such positive thoughts are not plagued by anger, hostility, or wrath. It is basically a matter of subjecting every thought to the obedience of Christ.

Anger is a habit —a temperament-induced, sinful habit —ignited through the years by distresses and unpleasant circumstances that can control a person as tenaciously as heroin or cocaine, making him react inwardly or outwardly in a selfish, sinful manner. Unless you let the power of God within you change your thinking patterns, your condition will gradually ruin your health, mind, business, family, or spiritual maturity. In addition, it grieves the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 4:30), robbing you of the abundant life that Jesus Christ wants to give you.

Deal with anger verbally: Some anger can be dealt with in our own minds, just between ourselves and God. Other anger needs to be dealt with verbally. Dealing with anger verbally isn’t learned over-night; it’s a process.

When it comes to expressing angry feelings verbally, it will be good to remember some of the following thoughts:

• Learn to discipline your mind. Think about what you’re going to say before you say it. Don’t just start talking, because it might be the best speech you’ll ever regret. Proverbs 10:19 reads in the New American Standard Bible, “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” The Living Bible reads, “Don’t talk so much. You keep putting your foot in your mouth. Be sensible and turn off the flow!”

• Don’t put off expressing how you feel for long periods of time. If something is bothering you and you don’t share this with the person involved, you may find your angry feelings festering. your feelings of mild irritation can grow into the poison of bitterness. “If you are angry, don’t sin by nursing your grudge. Don’t let the sun go down with you still angry— get over it quickly; for when you are angry you give a mighty foothold to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27, LB).

• Make it a habit not to withdraw into silence. I’m persuaded that 99 per cent of the problems we face will not go away by themselves. They may go underground, but they don’t go away.

• Be open to criticism. No one enjoys criticism. It is painful and humbling to receive. But the truth is, we could be wrong. “It is a badge of honor to accept valid criticism” (Proverbs 25:12, LB). “If you refuse criticism you will end in poverty and disgrace, if you accept criticism you are on the road to fame” (Proverbs 13:18, LB).

Someone once said, “The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.” “Don’t refuse to accept criticism: get all the help you can“ (Proverbs 23:12, LB).

• Share only one issue at a time. We usually let things build up until we’re about to explode & don’t usually share how we feel at the time something happens to us. When the time comes to talk with the other party involved, we have a tendency to back up our emotional dump truck and proceed to empty the entire load. Ask God to help you to stick to the main point or issue. Ask Him to help you to resolve conflicts one at a time.

• Don’t use the past to manipulate other people. It’s easy to bring up past issues or past mistakes in order to make the other person feel guilty for something that’s bothering you now. The past is past! Deal with the present issue. Sometimes we bring up past issues only because our present argument isn’t strong by itself.

• Learn to express your expectations for others verbally. The guessing games must stop! When expectations are expressed, the other person can tell you whether he thinks he can reach them or not.

• State your hurt or complaint as objectively as possible. Try to keep as much emotion out of the conversation as possible. Don’t call the other person names as you’re trying to express your disagreement.

• Share your complaint in private, not in public. No one appreciates talking about personal issues when other people are around. In fact, Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private: if he listens to you, you have won your brother” (NASB).

• Avoid a win-lose situation. Remember that it’s possible to “win a battle and lose the war.”

• Don’t make threats to terminate or leave the relationship. Threats are usually an intimidation technique used to get the other person to conform his or her behavior to your way of thinking. Stop making threats; they don’t help to solve anything. Determine not to run away from the relationship. Commitment is a quality that’s needed in relationships.

• Don’t accuse or attack the other person. Learn to use “I words” rather than “you words.” I words” are assertive and confronting: “you words” are aggressive and attacking. —“You make me angry! You always do that! you never do anything right! You did that on purpose, didn’t you!” “You words” make me defensive. They make me want to fight and don’t settle issues, but instead stir them up. Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons suggest in their book Your Perfect Right that we use “I” statements such as—“I am very angry”, “I am becoming very mad”, I strongly disagree with you” “I think that’s unfair”.

• Don’t exaggerate the issue. We sometimes exaggerate the issues in order to prove our case. Deal with the facts, not what we think the motivation of the other person might be. Try to look at the issue from the other person’s point of view. Allow the other person to have his feelings in the same way you have your feelings. Don’t interrupt the other person when he attempts to explain his side of the issue. Listen, and don’t try to prepare your case while he’s talking; you’ll miss what he’s trying to say to you.

• Look for a solution. Seek reconciliation in the relationship. Is there a way to settle the issue? Ask God to help you find a solution. In James 1:5-9 we read,

“If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, and He will gladly tell you, for He is always ready to give a bountiful supply of wisdom to all who ask Him; He will not resent it. But when you ask Him, be sure that you really expect Him to tell you, for a doubtful mind will be as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind; and every decision you then make will be uncertain, as you turn first this way, and then that. If you don’t ask with faith, don’t expect the Lord to give you any solid answer” (LB).

• Allow for reaction time. If you’re the initiator of a discussion, you have the advantage. There’s an advantage, because you’re thinking about the issue for some time before you approach the other person. He’s at a disadvantage, because he most likely hasn’t been thinking about the issue. Give him some “think time.” He needs some time to talk with God and get his own attitude right. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you lie a little reaction time? Extend to him the same courtesy.

They were sitting in my office when the wife said, “I’d forgive him if he would just apologize.”

He responded, “I did apologize.”

“You did not.”

“I told you I was sorry,” he said.

“That is not an apology,” she responded.

Have your apologies often fallen flat? Do your spouse’s apologies connect and motivate you to forgive? Or are you married to someone who seldom apologizes?

The above scenario as well as the questions that followed were written and posed by Dr Gary Chapman. Have you been in the place that he just described? A LOT couples have been there. It seems that it’s just not as easy to know what the other spouse expects as far as an apology.

It seems simple enough to each spouse personally, but many times, people don’t approach matters the same way. As a result, the apology goes flat and doesn’t register with the offended in the way it may have been intended.

For further insight into giving “Apologies that Make a Difference”, we encourage you to to read the rest of  the  article Dr Chapman wrote. It is posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine Web site. Please click onto the link below to read:

• APOLOGIZING: The Fastest Road to Forgiveness

Also, on this same subject, the following is a “Question of the Week” that was answered on the web site Smalleyonline.com:

Q: My wife is very sensitive and she says that I am not. She feels that my apologies are obligatory and not heartfelt. When I hurt her feelings, I want to make it right but often fumble over my words. How can I apologize and convince her that I mean it?

To read the answer that was given, please click HERE.

Another “Question of the Week” addressed on Smalleyonline.com is:

Q: My wife says that I am one of the fastest apologizers she knows. She says the speed and repetition of my apologies voids the sincerity. She believes that when I say “I’m sorry” it is just to get out of a fight. I can’t win. Any suggestions?

To read the answer to that question, please click HERE.

Below is a link to another article you can read on the subject of apologizing, written by Christian Psychologist Phil Monroe, who answers the question:

• WHAT MAKES A GOOD APOLOGY?

An article featured on the Crosswalk.com web site that would be good for you to read is:

• LEARN YOUR SPOUSE’S LANGUAGE OF APOLOGY

And lastly:

“After counseling numerous troubled marriages, I have observed that distressed marriages frequently are weak in the domain of repentance and short on apologies. Difficult-to-live-with spouses find it burdensome to repent and apologize to their partners because they often have not developed the practice of daily repenting and apologizing to God. Also, difficult-to-live-with spouses generally have a hard time assuming responsibility for their wrongful actions.

“A repentant spirit is the healing balm to breaking the cycle of blame in a marital relationship. The entire life of a Christian is one of continual repentance. Repentance is a prerequisite for reconciliation since a change of ways has to occur to heal grievances. Thus, the question that arises within a healthy marital relationship is ‘How can I repent and apologize?’ when I have offended my spouse.”

The quote above was written by Dr Randall A. Schroeder, which was part of an article we highly recommend you read. It’s a very complex article —but we believe it’s worth the effort it would take to go through it in its entirety. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• APOLOGIZING AND FORGIVING: The Heart of the Christian Marriage

If you have any additional advice or tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

We are a mixed bunch: some newlyweds; others are long-marrieds. While some of us are smiling and holding hands—and others seem distant or uncomfortable—we are all sitting, facing our mates in folding chairs, practicing gentler ways of dealing with conflicts in hopes of strengthening our marriages.

“You’re kidding,” David had responded when I told him I wanted us to fly 2000 miles from our Cleveland home to Seattle so we could fight in order to get closer.

After a little coaxing he agreed to go, impressed that the leader of the workshop, John M. Gottman, Ph.D., was an MIT-trained mathematician and psychologist—who published groundbreaking studies showing measurable differences between couples whose marriages were happy and those headed for misery and/or divorce court.

Based on two decades of research on couples whose marriages flourished over the years as well as those whose marriages floundered, Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle and co-founder of the Gottman Institute, had discovered behavior “predictors” of divorce (he claimed 91 percent accuracy). He also developed a system of behavioral changes that could improve good marriages and save troubled ones.

That’s what his best-selling book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Three Rivers Press), and now these workshops, were all about: Teaching couples how to make changes to improve their relationship. But the idea of spending two days intentionally “at each other’s throats,” as David put it, filled him with dread.

We loved each other deeply, but we did not fight well. Increasingly, disagreements seemed to spiral quickly out of control so that before we knew it, one of us was yelling or stalking out of the room, and both of us were hurt and frustrated. We always made up, eventually, but the toll was high—each new fight seemed to escalate faster than the last one, leaving us drained of energy and affection. After nearly seven years of marriage, we were worried about all this negativity that had somehow crept into our life together.

“All couples, happy and not, fight—and sometimes furiously,” Gottman assures all of us as we sit nervously listening for indications of whether we are among what he calls the “masters” or “disasters” of marriage.

David squeezes my hand to show he is with me in this adventure. Plus, he was fascinated by the way Gottman had come up with his “anatomy” of happy marriages. In a specially equipped University of Washington research room (known as the Love Lab); he had hooked up couples to sensors that measured their heart rate, blood flow, sweat output and blood pressure as they talked about issues of conflict.

The room also was equipped with video cameras that captured the couples’ body language as well as verbal interactions. Gottman’s team had followed 700 couples for as long as 14 years under a grant from the National Institute of Mental Health to come up with the insights that had brought us to Seattle.

I gave David—and all the other men in the room—huge credit for showing up. Most of the women did not need Gottman or clinical psychologist Julie Gottman, Ph.D., his workshop co-leader and wife, to tell us that when it comes to confronting sticky marital issues, it’s usually the wife (80 percent of the time, says Gottman) who jumps in headfirst. The husband, on the other hand, avoids discussing problems, hoping they will go away before things get messy.

“The issue isn’t whether you fight, it’s how you fight and how rich your stockpile of good feelings is about each other to weather difficulties and keep your basic attitude toward your partner positive,” Gottman tells us.

“At the heart of my research is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship—a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. A couple that keeps their friendship strong despite the inevitable disagreements and irritations of married life experiences what I call ‘positive sentiment over-ride’ — their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings,” He tells us. “It takes a much more significant conflict for them to lose their equilibrium as a couple.”

Meanwhile, troubled marriages, through years of building up unresolved resentments and disappointments, are seething with ‘negative sentiment override.’ These folks, he says, have stopped trusting that the other has their best interests at heart.

And when contempt creeps into the marriage, “be careful,” warns Gottman, because it can act “like sulfuric acid on love. The antidote to contempt is to create a marriage environment of appreciation, fondness, admiration, understanding and pride. Whenever contempt starts rearing its head, force yourself to scan for positive thoughts and feelings about your partner. This is your friend, the love of your life you’re arguing with—not some mortal enemy.” Still, Gottman is optimistic about the state of these marriages. “If there’s even a small ember of love left, there’s plenty of hope,” Gottman says.

Building a positive marriage environment is our task today. (On day two, armed with these good feelings, we’ll tackle our conflicts.) “Your goal isn’t to fix anything in two days,” he cautions. “What we’re aiming to do is simply make small changes so you can use them back home to make big changes.”

Over the course of the next several hours, the Gottmans (and a team of roving therapists to help us over particularly rough spots) guide us through exercise aimed at enhancing our fondness for each other, our humor and our understanding of each other’s hopes and dreams.

For our first exercise we retreat to a corner of the conference room with two stacks of cards and prepare to play a get-to-know-you-better game. We each take turns choosing from the first pile of cards, which tests our knowledge of each other’s likes and dislikes. I ace the question, “What is your partner’s favorite meal?” (Lamb chops, garlic mashed potatoes, asparagus and pineapple upside-down cake), but draw a blank with “what was your partner’s most embarrassing moment?” David tells me, and I next fill him in on one of my worst childhood experiences —having my Girl Scout cookie money stolen by a second-grade classmate.

We laugh or console each other over these shared thoughts, feeling the lovely warmth of our increased connectedness—and that, of course, is precisely the point of the exercise.

The second pile of cards gives us a chance to demonstrate our affection in a fun way. I draw a card that says, “Take a leisurely bath together,” and we vow to do that when we get back to our hotel. David draws “Go out dancing” and we make a date to go country and western dancing at the local Boot Scooting Saloon when we get home. “This is what real romance is,” Gottman tells us after the 30-minute exercise.

“Many people think that the secret to reconnecting romantically with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea vacation. But the real secret to increasing the strength and passion of a marriage is to turn toward each other in little ways every day. A romantic night out really turns up the heat only when a couple keeps the pilot light burning by staying in touch in little ways.”

Gottman then sends us off with a list of 75 positive adjectives. We are to pick five that best describe our partner, and to write down an example that illustrates each adjective. “Many times when couples are going through a rough time with one another, they lost sight of all the positive aspects of the partner and relationship,” Gottman says.

I tell David I think he’s intelligent, committed, dependable, witty and tender. He says he has circled 15 things (which makes me smile gratefully) but has whittled his list down to living, creative, resourceful, insightful and caring.

I’m a little hurt he hasn’t circled sexy; he’s disappointed I bypassed virile—both attributes we lauded in each other when we married. We admit that passion is one thing we have let slip of late as we copied with work stresses and our incessant bickering. Until we did the adjective list, we had not realized how far we had come from our early, romantic days. While this part was supposed to be fun, it has brought up this painful reality.

We hold up the bright red card we have been given to summon help from one of the roving therapists. “It’s not unusual for couples to encounter negative things in the process of pursuing positive ones,” says the young psychologist. “Since the passionate side of your life together is so important why don’t you share with each other some sexy occasions you remember? That can be a nice way of acknowledging how much you liked that part of your life and of jump-starting your journey to rediscovering it.”

She’s right and shortly we are smiling about our favorite romantic movements. Without realizing it, we have moved ahead to one of Gottman’s strongest indicators of a successful marriage: making and accepting bids.

Bids, he explains, are the myriad ways couples approach each other in an attempt to share a thought or experience. This could be as subtle as mentioning something of interest you read in the newspaper or as overt as saying you would like to make love tonight. Gottman says that in strong marriages, partners might enthusiastically acknowledge each other in this way dozens of times a day.

But in troubled marriages, one or both partners may turn away (I’m busy”), turn against (“That’s a dumb idea”), or even be unaware that a connection was being offered because they have lost contact with the core connection to their mate—which is essential for building up a rich emotional bank account in a marriage. “To enrich that bank account, partners need to become better observers of each other’s reaching out,” he says.

As we go back to our seats, Gottman prepares us for the next day’s session. “You’ll work on one perpetual problem on which you are gridlocked and one ongoing area of disagreement that is solvable,” Gottman says. “But tonight just revel in the positive thoughts you’ve shared today.”

Outside in the early evening air, we manage to revel as instructed. We have, after all, said a lot of wonderful things to each other today. As I take a nap before dinner, David goes out for a walk and returns with a bouquet of brilliant wildflowers.

All this stands us in good stead for Day Two, when we tackle conflicts. Gottman tells us that his research has identified five specific steps that couples in happy, stable marriages use for resolving disputes.

1. They begin a discussion with what he calls a softened start-up, stating a complaint about a specific action, not condemnation of the other person. This means complain, but don’t blame; describe what is happening, don’t evaluate and judge; talk calmly about what you need without dredging up past resentments and failures.

2. When emotions get out of hand and hurts occur, they find ways to repair the damage, to de-escalate the emotionalism and get the conversation back on a constructive track.

3. They accept influence from the other person, making a true effort to understand their individual roles in the mess and trying partner’s way of thinking.

4. They compromise, acknowledging their individual roles in the mess and trying to find a mutual solution.

5. On issues they can’t resolve, they accept what they can’t change, and they make an effort to be more tolerant of their partner’s personality —and imperfections.

It’s time, our leader says, to tackle a solvable problem.

We go off to a corner, armed with a list of statements we are to use whenever the argument turns negative to tell our mate that the conversation needs to take another tack. Among the statements are: “I’m getting scared,” Just listen to me right now and try to understand,” “Let me start again in a softer way” and “Let’s take a break.”

Says Gottman, “These scripted phrases may sound stilted, but they can be of great help with damage control.” Because these statements “can be difficult to hear if your relationship is engulfed in negativity, the best strategy is to make your attempts obviously formal in order to emphasize them.”

Before Gottman sends us off to tackle one of our gridlock issues, he warns the men to be on the alert for a common male problem: “the refusal or inability to accept influence” from their wives. “Our studies show that most women are comfortable listening to their mate’s point of view and allowing it to influence them, but only 35 percent of men really listen and take into account their wife’s view,” he says. “When a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an eighty-one percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.”

Warns Gottman, “For your marriage to thrive, you need to find ways to live with and manage issues that can’t be resolved, as you would a chronic physical problem, such as a bad back or recurring allergies.”

Back home, months after the couples workshop, we have followed Gottman’s advice and instituted what he calls “daily rituals of connection” to enhance our relationship. We spend a few minutes before parting each morning to learn what interesting or challenging thing the other is facing that day, and we each take some time to talk about how our day went when we get home.

We also write down one thing each day that we appreciate and value in the other, and share that with each other at night over dinner. We make a date once a week to do something enjoyable and stress free, and slowly we’re bringing back the humor and playfulness we valued so much when we were newly coupled.

We still have conflicts, but fewer of them spiral out of control. We make liberal use of two lists—qualities we like in each other, and tips for handling disputes—which we keep on the refrigerator door. A new level of trust seems to have entered our life. We may not be masters of marriage yet, but we’re working on it—lovingly.

An Exercise to Enhance Your Marriage
–By John Gottman

Make a game of testing your knowledge of each other by answering this questionnaire. Score one point for each correct answer (under 10 means you need to share more on a regular basis). Have fun filling in the blanks!

1. I can name my partner’s best friends.
2. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing.
3. I know the names of people who have been irritating to my partner lately.
4. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.
5. I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas.
6. I can give you an overview of my partner’s basic philosophy of life.
7. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
8. I know my partner’s favorite music.
9. I can list my partner’s three favorite movies.
10. My partner is familiar with my current stresses.
11. I know the three most special times in my partner’s life.
12. I know the most stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child.
13. I can list my partner’s hopes and aspirations.
14. I know my partner’s major current worries.
15. My partner knows who my friends are.
16. I know what my partner would want to do if he or she won the lottery.
17. I can tell you in detail my first impression of my partner.
18. Periodically I ask my partner about his or her world right now.
19. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.
20. My partner is familiar with my hopes and aspirations.

The above article titled, Lessons from the Love Lab… Learning to Get Even Closer, was written by Judi Dash and published 04/02/02 in the Family Circle Magazine www.familycircle.com.

— ALSO —

Please click onto the link below to read another article that could help you to recuperate and connect once again as marriage partners after you argue:

• 10 WAYS TO RECOVER AND RECONNECT WITH YOUR SPOUSE

How can I explain my feelings to him? she thought. How can I get him to understand?

Heather was convinced that she and Keith needed to wait one more year before they started a family. It was so important for her to finish college first. But she knew how much Keith wanted to be a father.

How could she begin such a delicate conversation without hurting her husband’s feelings?

It had seemed easy to begin a conversation when they were dating, but saying the difficult things had always been hard. Heather sensed that the time to learn how to open a discussion was now, in the early days of their marriage. She was right.

Perhaps you, too, are having trouble getting conversations started with your spouse. Maybe you’re avoiding certain topics. Maybe you or your spouse isn’t much of a talker. Maybe you just don’t know how to begin.

Fortunately, acknowledging that can be an excellent way to start a conversation. Be honest and state your lack of confidence. For example, Heather might begin her talk with Keith this way: “I’m not sure how to say this. I’m afraid it might come out all wrong. But something is on my heart that I want to talk with you about. Is this a good time for you to listen to me?” Stating your concerns and fears can open the conversational door.

As Heather thought about talking to Keith, she knew she’d have to “keep to the point.” If she was too elaborate with details, he’d become frustrated and distracted. She also knew that giving too little information would frustrate her as well, leaving her feeling that the conversation was incomplete.

So she went home and spent a few minutes at the kitchen table writing out her thoughts. That would keep her focused and ensure she was “covering all the bases.” If she got anxious, she could even read aloud what she’d written! That gave her confidence.

So did praying. After a quick request for help, she was convinced that the Holy Spirit would help her communicate what was on her heart.

If this is a problem area for you and your spouse, consider the following steps to beginning a conversation:

1. Identify your concerns. Put your thoughts on paper. Practice saying them in front of a mirror if that boosts your confidence. When you begin your conversation, you may even want to read aloud what you’ve written. That’s okay.

As you talk, don’t expect your partner to know what’s on your mind—and don’t make him guess. Keep clarifying things asking your spouse what he’s heard you say or read and what he thinks about it.

2. Get the timing right. None of us likes to be inconvenienced. Look for the right opportunity to begin your conversation.

Is your spouse tired or preoccupied? It might be wise to wait until she’s rested and you have her full attention. If you have children, get them involved in some activity before you begin your conversation.

3. Honor your spouse’s time. Don’t waste it. Be succinct; don’t belabor your point. Make sure you have sufficient time to complete the conversation well. Allow time for feedback during your talk, too.

4. Use body language. Look your spouse in the eye directly, lovingly, and respectfully, and state your desire to begin a conversation. Ask your mate to sit down with you; take her hand in yours and speak calmly. The eyes can truly be a window to the mind and soul, and touch can allow you to show loving feelings.

5. Keep your partner’s communication style in mind. People find us most attractive when we communicate in their style—in a way that’s familiar and comfortable to them. If your partner likes facts, give him facts. If she likes details, tell the story. If she values warmth, take time to connect relationally. If he wants choices, give options.

If she needs time to process, slow down. If he likes a rapid pace, get to the point. If she’s analytical, provide data.

6. Include your partner’s interests. If your spouse is interested in football, finances, movies—start with that subject. It’s a most natural way to enter a conversation, even if the topic ends up veering in another direction.

7. Be interesting. Ask yourself why your spouse would want to listen to your in the first place. Be a creative and stimulating partner. Discover how to capture your mate’s attention. If you’re boring and negative, your conversation will be dull and depressing. If this is the case, you have some work to do.

8. Be realistic. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. If the two of you find it difficult to start a conversation, keep it simple. Don’t assume you can have a deeply intimate, nurturing conversation immediately if you’ve never had one before.

Start with the basics. Do fun activities together. Laugh. Build a foundation for deeper conversations. Take one step at a time.

9. Seek to accept and bring joy to your spouse. Beginning conversations is much easier when your spouse knows you won’t ridicule him or her. Learn to lovingly accept and enjoy each other, even when your opinions differ. Let your spouse know that you’re on the same team and that you support him or her 100 percent. Be your mate’s number one fan!

10. Be appreciative and infuse hope. Thank your spouse for listening to you. Tell him he encourages you and that you want to encourage him. Life on earth is difficult—sometimes awful —and we need to be “life-givers” to our mates. When we speak words of hope to our spouses, we speak life and love. Remember Philippians 4:8:

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

If all of this seems overwhelming, don’t be discouraged. Just start and be patient and persistent; pick one or two ideas and begin!

The above article comes from the terrific book, The First Five Years of Marriage, which is a Focus on the Family resource www.family.org, written by a number of Focus on the Family Counselors, published by Tyndale House Publishers, www.tyndale.com.

We highly recommend this as a marriage guide! It would be a helpful book to obtain if you’re newlywed and you want to try to start things off on the right foot. And even if you’ve been married for a number of years, it could be a great resource to obtain because so many of the articles are relevant to every married couple. If you’ve been having problems in your marriage and you realize that you need to start from the beginning to rebuild your marriage the right way, this resource could help in that process! Everything within it is aimed to help its readers lay a solid foundation based on Biblical principles in a practical way.

The Bible (in Ecclesiastes 3) says “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven… a time to be silent and a time to speak.”

The problem is in knowing what season we’re in — when we perceive a problem with our spouse are we to speak or to be silent?

For years I went around thinking that if my husband, Steve, was going to “listen to reason” I was the appointed one to tell it to him because I was sure I had the wisdom he needed to listen to. After-all, I didn’t see anyone else around who was volunteering for the job!

But then I had a friend who told me about the “Duck Principle.” No, I’m not talking about the “quack, quack” kind of animal, but instead, ducking out of the way so God Himself would have the opportunity to talk to my husband instead of me. As long as I stood over my husband and flapped my mouth at him saying things that I thought he needed to hear (and yet he was closing his ears to anyway) I was standing in the way of what God could do or say to change Steve’s heart over the matter.

With me out of the way, God has full access to him. It’s amazing how liberating and how wise this is. I’m no longer responsible, God is. And if God sees it necessary to talk to Steve—or even to me, for that matter (because the Lord knows I’m not all-knowing), I’m not standing in God’s way any longer. Sometimes I need to DUCK and get out of God’s way!

I’ve found that by stepping aside and giving God full access to the situation as I committed it to Him, better things came about. If nothing else, it helped my faith and my prayer life to grow as I released my grip over the situation. I’ve found that too often we do too much horizontal talking to each other and not enough vertical talking to God about situations that concern us. After-all, the Bible DOES tell us that God cares very much about all that burdens our hearts. Why not ask for wisdom as to whether to say something or not, and commit it to God?

To give you further insight, we’ve listed below several links to articles that can help you to see different perspectives on the question of whether to speak or to be silent in your communication with each other as husband and wife. I pray you will read them with an open heart and mind. I urge you that before reading them you will pray (and then obey what God tells you):

Search me O God and know my heart.
Test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there be any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.
(Psalm 139:23-24)

THE NAGGING HABIT

How both of you can go cold turkey to kick it…
-by Robert Moeller

TO READ THIS ARTICLE
from the terrific publication,
Marriage Partnership Magazine:

CLICK HERE

THE JOY OF NAGGING?
Why guys should be thankful for their wives’ gentle prodding…
-by William R. Mattox, Jr.

TO READ THIS ARTICLE
from the terrific publication,
Marriage Partnership Magazine:

CLICK HERE

5 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO YOUR SPOUSE
Statements that can hurt your relationship if you say them…
-by Anne Russ

TO READ THIS ARTICLE
from the helpful publication,
Marriage Partnership Magazine:

CLICK HERE

 A PIERCING SILENCE
What I learned when I finally got quiet enough to let God speak…
By Renny Gehman

TO READ THIS ARTICLE
from the terrific publication,
Marriage Partnership Magazine:

CLICK HERE

What is this “hint” language, you ask? Hinting is a way for a wife to tell her husband something without coming out and saying it. Why would she want to do that? Because if she comes right out and says it, it ruins the outcome she desires.

For example, if your wife says to you, “I’m a little stressed out about Thursday. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment, and I can’t find anyone to watch Suzie.” You might react by suggesting a few people she should ask or by telling her to reschedule. But what she’s hinting to you is, “Will you take a late lunch and watch Suzie for me while I go to the doctor on Thursday?” What she wants to know is—in a bind are you willing to go the extra mile for her?

She uses hints because she wants it to be your idea. She’s cluing you in on something that you could do that would mean a lot to her. If you don’t understand her hint and don’t offer to help her, the next time you’re having a heated discussion she’ll remind you of the time she asked you to watch Suzie for her and you said no. You won’t have a clue as to what she’s referring to. Thus a breakdown in communication and another argument where you are left scratching your head wondering why women are so complicated.

Instead of being frustrated, why not get intentional about trying to better understand your wife? There are three keys to understanding this “hint” language:

1. BE PROACTIVE ABOUT FIND OUT HER NEEDS AND DESIRES. Whether you realize it or not, your wife is constantly speaking in hints. For example, “I wish someone would unload the dishwasher,” or “Boy, it sure would be great to get dressed up and go to a nice restaurant sometime,” or “My most dreaded chore is putting gas in my car.” Become a student of your wife and take notes on what she says. Use these notes to help you decipher her hints. If you’re stumped, ask her best friend what your wife has been wishing you would do lately; chances are she’ll know.

2. TAKE THIS LEARNING PROCESS ONE DAY AT A TIME AND FIND FUN AND ADVENTURE IN IT. I was discussing hints with a friend and her husband, when he got an overwhelmed look on his face. He said he felt like trying to understand women was like climbing a mountain where there were no plateaus. Every time he felt like he was finally getting close to understanding his wife, he’d get to the top of one mountain only to discover another mountain to climb.

Take heart. God made us for adventure and the thrill of the challenge, so pursue that woman of yours with a new perspective—not as an impossible mountain but a thrill. Think of how dull it would be if there were no new things to discover about that beautiful bride of yours. Her heart is wonderfully wild and waiting for you to capture it.

3. WHEN IN DOUBT, ASK. No one understands your wife’s needs and desires better than she, so why not ask her? Make it a habit to ask her once a week. “Is there anything I could do to make your life sweeter or easier this week?” Sometimes she’ll say yes and other times she’ll say no, but she will be delighted that you thought enough of her to ask.

Dr. Gray Smalley says the secret to a fulfilling marriage is “Persistence! Sometimes in the middle of a conflict with Norma, I really want to give up. But that’s only how I feel. Often I’m tired, run down, under too much stress —consequently, the future looks bleak. That’s when I rely upon knowledge, not feelings. I act upon what will strengthen our relationship, and in a few days I see the results. In fact, I usually feel better the next day and have a renewed desire to work on our marriage. So I never give up. I keep on acting on what I’ve learned from the bible are the secrets of lasting relationships.”

I know hinting might seem silly and confusing, but like Gary Smalley said, “persistence” is the secret to a fulfilling marriage. Press on and persevere like the great knights so long ago who were determined to rescue their damsels in distress. While your lady may not be physically locked up in a tower, her heart may be behind a wall of self-protection. She longs to have you scale that wall and tell her it’s worth it—her heart is worth the inconveniences and pains that are sometimes necessary to reach it. How sweet it is to climb over that wall, touch her heart, and hear her say, “You heard me, you heard my cries for help, and you came for me, my beloved; you are here!”

HOME IMPROVEMENT: Listen for your wife’s hints today. Write them down and try to decipher what your heart is calling out for.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Every husband needs to know that no matter what we say, all wives really want is more of them. Not their time but their attention. Not their money but their treasure … their hand, their help, and their heart. (Anonymous)

The above article comes from the book, Capture Her Heart, by Lysa TerKeurst, published by Moody Press, www.moodypublishers.com. This book is one that is endorsed by the ministry of Focus on the Family www.family.org and is subtitled, “Becoming the Godly Husband Your Wife Desires.” This is not a very big book-it’s actually smaller and more compact than most, which might appeal to many who don’t want to pick up a book to read which is large and complicated. But don’t let its size fool you! It has some great material in it and a man might even use it to read together with his wife during a quiet time together. As one of them reads a chapter aloud, they can discuss it afterwards to see what they can learn about each other.

It has 24 chapters which include the advice for the day, a short “Home Improvement” tip, and a “Thought for the Day.” There’s also a companion book which you can get that can also be used during this quiet time with the husband and wife which is titled, Capture His Heart (also written by Lysa TerKeurst).

1. Allow Room for Venting
I tend to think aloud. I use my words to help me sort out my thoughts and decide how I feel about something. Sometimes I don’t want a solution; I just want to “vent.”

For some reason this makes my husband, Ron, uncomfortable because he wants to fix it, forget it, and move on. I like to take a long, hot bath in my problems before I even think about solving them.

When we were first married, we moved into a new neighborhood and began attending a new church. I was almost friendless because I was shy and waiting for a warm and wonderful woman to approach me with a sign on her forehead that read “Friend of Nancy’s.” She hadn’t yet appeared, so I wanted to share my feelings with Ron, “I’m lonely. I wish I had a girlfriend.”

Ron, with the best of intentions, started to help me solve my problem. He gave me a lecture titled “Friendship 101″: In order to have a friend you must be a friend. What have you done to be friendly? Then he got out a legal pad and a wide-tipped Sharpie and wrote in block letters, “Nancy’s Friendship Goals.” Next, he started to draw a flow chart. He was befuddled when I started to cry and said, “I don’t want a diagram. I want a friend!”

Now if I just want to vent, I tell Ron ahead of time. He’s even learned to ask me, “Do you want my advice or just my ear?” What a guy. I think I’ll keep him!

2. Want to Please Me? Don’t Tease Me!
Many couples tease each other, and if you can keep it friendly, it might be fun. If, however, your humor is at someone else’s expense, it’s too costly. My husband is a funny guy. When we met, he was performing stand-up comedy in Los Angeles clubs. He even took joke-writing classes from professional comedians like Steve Martin and had a one-on-one lesson from Bill Cosby.

He was always looking for a laugh. So when I ruined a meal or gained weight, he thought of it as new comedy material. I thought his comments were insulting and cruel. We had some of our biggest fights about his definition of humor. After I explained how much it hurt me, he stopped making my butt the butt of his jokes. He’s still funny, and we often write comedy scripts for Christian plays. But now, we share the same rule: cruel personal insults are not funny.

3. Be Specific; Be Heard
A few years ago, I hit on a principle that’s saved us from hundreds of misunderstandings and arguments.

One afternoon, I was frantically cleaning the house for our son Nick’s birthday party. Ron was sitting in the den reading the newspaper. “Will you please pick up those papers,” I asked, “and sweep the front steps? They’ll be here soon!”

“Uh…” he grunted, without looking up.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” I shouted as I sprinted upstairs to fix my hair and make-up.

Twenty-five minutes later, I looked out the window, and saw a guest’s car in the driveway. “They’re here!”

I heard Ron bustling around in the den as he jumped up from his chair, shoved the papers into the wastebasket, and zipped to the front door with the broom. He was sweeping the porch steps as our guests walked up the sidewalk!

He had no idea why I was upset. Later, when our guests left, I said, “Why didn’t you do what I asked you to do?”

He said, “I did!”

“But you did it when our company was in the driveway!”

“Yeah … so? You didn’t say when to do it.”

He was right—I didn’t. I had the expectation that he’d do it as soon as I asked, but I wasn’t specific on my time-frame. Here’s a news flash. Your spouse can’t read your mind!

Now I ask, “Can you do this by 6:00?” or “Will you be able to have this done by Tuesday?” If he can’t do it, he’ll tell me, and then I can either do it myself or make other arrangements.

4. Hint and Miss
Another way I drove Ron crazy was to hint at something and then throw a fit because he didn’t “get” the hint. For example, one warm, sunny day as we drove by a Baskin Robbins Ice Cream store, I said, “I love lemon sherbet.”

He just kept driving. I guess he didn’t know that my hint meant, “Stop the car. I want some ice cream!”

My girlfriend Tonya would have understood the hint and would have said, “Good idea. Let’s get some!” But Ron was oblivious. He thought I meant just what I said.

Men rarely hint because they’ve learned to ask for what they want. If women would stop the “hint-speak” and ask for what we want, we’d be much more likely to get it.

These changes didn’t take place overnight. I think the issues related to teasing took several years to resolve. If I can see that Ron is making an effort, then I give him some room to fail occasionally. If I went “postal” on him each time he forgot, he’d get discouraged and stop trying.

So as you see your mate start to develop new positive patterns, encourage him or her, and be willing to overlook an occasional slip. Be sure to verbalize your praise and notice when your spouse does it right. Your marriage will grow sweeter as you have less conflict and more understanding and patience.

“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them [wives] with understanding.” (1 Peter 3:7)

The article above is adapted from the great book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome –by Nancy C. Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. This book was written by a woman who strayed to the other side of the marital fence — and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered, this book focuses on how to grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing six protective “hedges” around it. Nancy does a terrific job telling her compelling U-turn story of rebellion, repentance, and restoration. This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.

Nancy C. Anderson is an award-winning author and speaker who loves to teach women and couples how to avoid the “Greener Grass Syndrome.” Nancy and her husband Ron teach at marriage seminars and banquets. If you live in the United States and would like them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.

Rather than talking WITH each other, they resort to talking AT each other—spitting out facts rather than connecting in their relationship. Have you found yourself in that place with your husband? Join the crowd!

And then when you realize the disconnection going on between you and your husband and you try to dialogue with him —nothing!  Something you say or infer flies right over his head, or it obviously doesn’t hold the same meaning for him as it does for you because of his reaction (or lack there-of).  And then things become even more complicated in your relationship!

Does that mean that men are dense when it comes to communication? No. It may be YOUR communication isn’t always clear to them, but it doesn’t mean ALL communication comes out that way. And it doesn’t mean that you can’t find ways to bridge those misunderstandings. It just demonstrates the need to learn more about each other’s style of communicating and listening in order to better connect in your relationship.

When one man read one of the articles we’re going to refer you to read, he took it as if the author were saying that men were less intelligent and less capable of communicating —which isn’t the point at all! And it’s simply not true. It just means that we speak and perceive things differently from each other. And different isn’t bad or less intelligent —it’s just different!

The same is true in the reverse. Men can talk to us (or not talk to us) and we attach different meanings to what they’re trying to communicate.

Why is it that we seem to be on the same “page” sometimes (especially before marriage) and end up on different planets at other times? That’s really unclear.

Part of the reason could be that sometimes you’re able to do things for a “season” but you can’t maintain it over the long haul —you resort back to your original strength eventually. Does that mean that a person can never change from their original “strength?” No. We can all grow.

But sometimes it takes intentionality and sometimes we may never grow much beyond a certain point and we need the help of our partner to go the rest of the distance. But together as a team —giving each other grace and space, it’s amazing what can be accomplished. As the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10,

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend (or spouse) can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”

So, how do we “de-code” this mysterious difference in our communication styles? We discovered two articles on different web sites that we believe will help. They won’t give you all the answers —only God Himself knows that! But it’s a good start.

Please Note: The first article we will refer you to, appears on the web site for a secular magazine. Although it isn’t written specifically for the Christian audience, it contains good information. As with any human resource, just glean whatever you feel will apply to your situation, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Keep in mind that:

“There could be a very good reason why your husband doesn’t hear what you’re saying. There’s new medical research which reveals why this could be, and what to do about it.”

To read more, please click to:

• HOW TO TALK TO A MAN

— ALSO —

For 7 tips on how to get your spouse to open up,
please click onto the web site link for Marriage Partnership Magazine to read:

• CAN WE TALK?

— ALSO —

From the ministry of Love and Respect.com with Emerson Eggerichs:

• THE SECRET TO MOTIVATING A HUSBAND

The above article was composed by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others on this issue, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

As I listened, I realized the truth of what he’d said. She had tried to tell him. When their son was born, she hadn’t wanted to go back to work immediately, but he pressured her, telling her that they needed her income. She nagged some and later grew severely depressed, but he didn’t think her depression had anything to do with him or with being away from their son.

Actually, that wife had pushed every button she had available to make him listen to her pain and anger. But he was oblivious to her inner cries. He worked two jobs so he wasn’t home much—but more importantly, even when he was home, he failed her emotionally.

Somewhere in time, she decided that the pain of divorce was more bearable than the hurt of being in the same house when they were emotionally at opposite ends of the earth. So she walked out. What she did wasn’t right, but I can understand it. It was probably a last desperate attempt to get her husband’s attention. She got it, all right, but it came too late.

I wonder how many broken relationships are due to a similar scenario. I wonder how many men are in the process this very moment of distancing their wives by failing to understand their needs—the need to be listened to, to have feelings and emotions validated by their husband’s concentrated attention and understanding.

It’s not that men don’t need emotional support and intimacy—they do, of course. I know some men who have as great a need for relating on an emotional, feeling, subjective level as any woman. They are often the counselors, those others turn to when in trouble, the pastor-shepherds. But as my wife Carole and I have listened to couples, we find that in the average marriage, it’s generally a matter of degree. And the women’s need usually seems greater. It is she who most often longs for soul-to-soul communication and who feels like she never quite has that desire met by her spouse.

This incident appeared in a recent article [in Readers Digest Magazine, "Why Husbands Won't Talk"]:

Judy, an artist, was worried abut preparations for an exhibition, and started to tell Cliff, her husband. She wanted his support and sympathy.

Instead, Cliff fired off instructions: “One, get all the artists together. Two, call your accountant—the expenses may be deductible. Three, check with the bank to see how much money you have. Four, contact the P.R. people.”

Judy felt rejected, and thought to herself: “Cliff doesn’t care how I feel. He just wants to get me off his back.”

Cliff believed he was being supportive-he had given her his best advice. But Judy was seeking emotional rapport, not problem solving.

Carole and I can relate to that! I have had to work on intimacy in communication all of our married life. It probably has to do with me being that logical, factual, objective kind of guy. I have to admit that by nature, I am a concealer of my feelings. In fact, if one side of a scale represented the ability to express feelings and the other side represented the need to conceal those feelings, Carole and I would probably balance the scales pretty well.

According to most marriage counselors, concealment is more often a trait in men, and it stems from various factors such as background, cultural expectations, perceptions of manliness, and personality. This tendency to conceal has drastic implications. James Collier says that most men think it unmanly even to admit that they have a problem—much less request aid:

Men in America feel that they ought to be able to deal with anything that comes along, and it’s an admission of failure if they’re having trouble. Some men would rather fail at their marriage or with their children than admit that something is wrong and seek a solution.

… Says marriage specialist Goldstein: “Men aren’t supposed to have sensitive, warm feelings or feelings of tenderness for the people around them—much less express them.” It is like the story of the old Vermont farmer 40 years married, who said, “I love Sarah Jane so much that sometimes it’s all I can do to keep from telling her.”

Communication patters: Spell them d-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t.

• They’re different in the number of and reasons for questions. A revealer is often full of questions and sees them as a way to maintain a conversation, thinking “If I don’t ask the other person won’t know that I care.” Questions represent intimacy and caring.

But not to a concealer! Now questions can represent meddling. The concealer may be thinking, “Oh, no, you don’t! You can’t pry that information out of me. If I want to tell you something, I’ll tell you—without all your questions.”

• They’re different, too, in the nature of responses to communication. A revealer may use encouraging sounds such as “uh-huh” and “hmmm” to encourage the other person —and then feel ignored because the concealer utters so few of these acknowledging sounds. When I listen silently, Carole sometimes asks, “Honey, are you there?”

They’re different in the use of what some call “oneness” words such as you and we. A revealer may use many more of such words, as well as conversational bridges such as “Please go on —would you give me another example? …”

Can you identify yourself? As I’ve said, I tend to be the concealer, and—being logical as well—I have to say that often, logical men have logical reasons for concealment! I read of a group of men who were asked their reasons for not talking. Several of them gave fairly logical reason, such as simply not being in a talkative mood, or being tired and not wanting to expend energy talking, even wanting to protect the wife when she was tired and agitated and her emotional tank was near “empty.”

But others in the group answered in ways that indicated their concealment should not be accepted at face value. Listen to these reasons some men gave:

(1) Silence helps me avoid differences of opinion. I grew up in a family that rarely expressed strong feelings. So talking is tough, especially when I know what I have to say isn’t what my wife wants to hear.

(2) Silence protects me. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to my wife about certain things because I’m afraid she will use them against me.

(3) Silence maintains a balance of attachment and freedom that feels comfortable in our relationship. Sometimes I need closeness, but other times I need distance. I’m most content with our marriage when there’s a natural ebb and flow in our interaction.

(4) Silence precludes heated explosions. If I don’t shoot off words, I’m less likely to catch crossfire or have to pick up debris when the battle ceases.

(5) When something is bothering me, I don’t talk because my wife tends to overreact and make matters worse. The last thing I want is someone bouncing off the walls in anger or else sniveling about it.

Did you notice a similarity in these five reasons for silence? It would appear that most of these reasons are based on self protection or comfort, not on the intimacy of the marriage or the needs of the wife.

Now of course there are times when silence is good. But to constantly conceal our feelings is bound to stifle the intimacy and closeness that our marriages demand (and most wives need) in order for us to become truly one.

One counselor puts it this way: Wives think, “The marriage is working as long as we can talk about it.” Husbands think, “The relationship is not working if we have to keep talking about it.”

So we’re different. So one of us doesn’t talk much about feelings, and the other shares freely. Can anything be done? Family counselor Norm Wright says,

A woman does not have to resign herself to living with an un-expressive male. Becoming fatalistic is not the answer, and I’m not talking about divorcing him either. Don’t listen if someone tells you “Don’t be so concerned about men not expressing their feelings. That’s just the way they are!” Men may tend to be that way, but they can change. Challenges or reproaches do not work. Carefully worded invitations can work.

Men do respond initially to questions which elicit factual responses. It’s easier for a man to tell his wife what he does at work than how he feels about it. He can tell her how he did at events or school when he was growing up easier than how he feels about what he did. But starting with the facts is an introduction to the feelings.

But the revealer must be cautioned: Mr. Wright also says that a man may finally open up to a woman only to find that what he reveals is discounted, shared with others, disbelieved, ridiculed, rejected, and even laughed at. Remember: safety, acceptance, and support are essential if a man is going to let down the bridge from his castle. He wants what he shares to be used for his welfare, not against him. Trust is a major issue.

The above article comes from the great book, Opposites Attack, by Jack and Carole Mayhall, published by NavPress, www.navpress.com. This book is aimed at turning your differences into opportunities and helping polar opposites turn into the best of friends. As they often say, “different doesn’t mean wrong — it just means different in the way you approach life. This is such a practical book and really gives a lot of helpful insights into how to get along better with each other. What’s great about it is the fact that Jack and Carole take their own differences and their own opposite ways of approaching life and help you to see, as you look into their lives, how you can turn your diversity around to HELP your marriage rather than hurt it. We HIGHLY recommend this book!

Whenever I asked my husband if he “could” do such and so, it drove him wild. “Of course I CAN do it,” he’d say. “What you really want to know is if I WOULD do it. Say what you mean. Don’t hint about it and expect me to take the bait.”

His answer seemed rather harsh to me. Rather harsh? Actually, it seemed brutal. But this is how he felt about it. So I began retraining myself to ask in that way, and found it amazingly easy to do. It worked so well that I playfully suggested I leave out the word “would”, and simply issue a direct order: “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread.” Talk about saying what you mean! Even he agreed that this was cutting it a bit too close for him. Interject fun as you work out the differences between you.

2. Say what you think. Don’t give clues — even big ones — and expect him to grab onto them and read your mind. Women are often able to do this, but men aren’t. Tell him plainly and simply what you think.

3. Be concise and to the point. Men don’t care if the drapes are pink or purple or neon orange or that the sweater Betsy was wearing was hand-knit by a woman for whom his mother once baby-sat… in Italy… in 1950. Spare him the details unless he’s a detail-loving man, which would be quite rare.

4. When asking for his input, make certain you understand what he means, and if you don’t, ask until you do. My (Nancy) husband once said, “Get any color carpet you want, I just don’t care. I’ll like what you like!” So I bought olive green carpet; which looked beautiful with gold and orange (it was the ’70s). Ray came home after it was installed and said, “What’s this? It looks like an oil slick from a capsized cargo ship!” This was not good news.

Thankfully he was promoted shortly after that and we moved to another city. We left the olive green carpeting and hoped the Joneses enjoyed it more than Ray had. In this case I had asked Ray and he gave his input. But now I would probably bring a piece of the carpeting home for him to see just to be safe — even though he said he didn’t care.

5. Don’t accuse him of not listening to you. This makes him feel demeaned and childish. And it makes you look like a controller. Keep your story short, and assume that he’s listening.

6. Realize that women place a higher value on listening than most men do. To a woman, it’s another way of expressing love and is reflective of the relationship. To a man it’s more something you do, more a task.

7. Thank him when he has listened to you. Men need this kind of validation, especially in the area of communication. They often feel they’re on a slippery slope and can’t quite figure out what it is their wives want and need. Help your husband feel more confident by noticing and praising his efforts. This will make him more willing to take risks the next time.

8. Share with your friends or family (when he can hear you) what a great listener he is. He’ll feel fabulous, and before long he’ll begin to think of himself as a good listener as well.

The above article can be found on the web site for New Life Ministries. They have a variety of free tips and also resources on men, women and relationships available. You can contact them for information about those anytime at 1-800-NEW-LIFE or visit their website at www.newlife.com.

The book in which these tips came from is entitled: How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah Press. Both of the authors are ministry leaders who have collaborated together on this book which promises to resolve the age-old mystery of communication between the sexes’ and leave men and women conversing happily. They present a five-step “training program” for women who choose to love their husbands more effectively, but need practical help learning the best approach. Chapters on loving, learning, listening, loyalty, and laughter guide a wife up five “levels” of mastering essential skills to promote unity, trust, and friendship with the man whose company she most enjoys and desires.

Part of it is because you both MADE A POINT of making the time to spend time together. It had to do with intentionality. It was a priority so you made the time happen.

But you got married, and things settled into some type of “normalcy” and routine, you allowed life and activities to smoosh the both of you away from each other. And if you both felt happy in your married life living like this and you BOTH still felt like you had a strong connection together, the busy-ness wouldn’t be so much of a problem. But that’s not what usually happens.

So, in order to bridge the gap between you, there is an article that we recommend you read that is posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site.

It goes into greater detail than we have in this intro, and also gives you 10 tips for making time together. It then tells you what to do when you do find the time (although we have additional suggestions in the “Romantic Ideas” section that you also could use).

So, to read the article, written by Dr Tim A Gardner, click onto the link below:

• HOW TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER

-ALSO-

Another article you may find helpful in your intentionality. Please click on the link below to read:

• HOW TO NEVER TAKE LOVE FOR GRANTED

And then there is another article posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site might help those of you who believe you’re:

• WAY TOO BUSY!

A very important part of combating problems is reaching out to hear and understand the other person. So often when we argue we want to explain our side of things so fervently that we discount what the other person is feeling and what their reasoning is behind their actions. We often forget to take into consideration that their approach is much different than ours. Listening is a good step forward towards understanding. And understanding is a good step forward towards working through a conflict.

We wish we could give your husband the ability to KNOW what you’re feeling so that it might help him better see your frustration and what’s motivating your words and actions. But this article, written by David Hawkins (from the book, Men Don’t Get It But they Can), may help you better understand HIS reasonings a little better.

Our prayer is that after reading it, you’ll see things a little clearer and with the Lord’s help you will find ways to build bridges between you and your spouse to walk TOWARDS dealing with conflicts in a healthier way. (Also note that after this article there is a link to another article you can read on the same subject.) Here’s what David Hawkins wrote:

Randy storms out of the kitchen and hides himself in the newspaper. Why? Why won’t he stand before Carla and address the problem directly, searching for a solution that can be beneficial to both of them? This would give both of them space to be individuals and yet live in wonderful harmony with each other. But that did not happen. Instead, more bricks were stacked on the wall between them, leaving each to suffer in isolation.

I suspect Randy felt a number of emotions:

He felt threatened. His wife was not happy with his performance around the house even though he saw himself as a diligent, hard-working man. She poked at his ego, and he used his well-rehearsed tactic of withdrawal to cope with threats.

He felt angry. He felt that his wife’s requests were unreasonable. He really didn’t think the problem was that serious. Of course, this is denial on his part, for the problem remains, and tomorrow is not likely to be any different.

He felt confused. What was the big deal? In denial, he convinced himself that this was her problem. If he ignored her, maybe the problem would just go away. But in his heart, he wondered if he needed to be more assertive and face her with his concerns.

He felt uncertain and afraid. What if she persisted with her demands? Would he be forced to change? What would he be required to change? He was content with his routines are not particularly interested in new challenges, especially on the home front.

He felt sad and rejected. Sitting alone in the living room was not his idea of a fun evening. He wanted true contact and intimacy with his wife, and this was no way to get it. He knew that he would most likely be stubborn and wait for her to make the first overture to him. They were in for a cold, silent evening.

Many struggles will drain a couples’ energy. Round-robin fights appear to be so simple but go on and on. Conversations that start out clear end up muddy. “What was it we were fighting about?” so many couples ask once the smoke has finally cleared.

Keeping focused in the midst of such turmoil is hard. Discussing issues in a productive way requires serious effort. Encounters sometimes degenerate into power struggles that culminate in hurt feelings and the loss of intimacy. How can we create real change?

As you begin this journey, the trail ahead may appear perilous. The path is unfamiliar. Trust that you will find the truth and it will make you free. Trust that God will provide wisdom for the journey ahead. Solomon confirms that “if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD” (Proverbs 2:4). If you look and listen, you will find the right books, the right friends, and the right teachers to help you take one important step at a time.

Paths are never straight and easy. Life has many starts, stops, twists, and turns. Plan on them. As you begin to acknowledge the truth abut your marriage and about how you and your partner relate to each other, you may fumble about with new behaviors. You may try to be assertive only to slip back into passivity. You may try to confront irresponsible behavior only to revert to snide comment and passive-aggressive tactics. You are not traversing a smooth and easy trail.

As you learn to listen more carefully to yourself and to God, and as you let go of the lies that hinder you, the best path will emerge before you —one step at a time, one moment at a time.

The above article came from the book, Men Just Don’t Get it—But They Can! written by David Hawkins, published by Harvest House www.harvesthousepublishers.com.

Dr Hawkins is a licensed clinical psychologist. He is the author of several books including “See Dick and Jane Grow Up” and a series of booklets titled “Your Pocket Therapist.”

HOW NOT TO FIX YOUR HUSBAND’S PROBLEM

Which of us doesn’t feel the need to “fix” what we consider to broken or off-kilter when it comes to our spouse? And sometimes it can be a good thing to “help” our spouse when they’re doing something that causes problems in our partnership in marriage. That’s part of the benefit of being in a marital team. But sometimes our spouse doesn’t take our “wonderful” advice in a positive way.

Could there be times when it’s best to stand back and accept and give grace to our spouse over that which we can’t “make” them change?

The following article from the web site Troubledwith.com addresses that dilemma. We’ll take you to their web site to read it. You can just “arrow” back afterwards to return to this web site and even make a comment that could help others in the section provided below if you desire to do so.

To read the article, How Not to Fix Your Husband:

CLICK HERE

The purpose of honesty is having the facts in front of you. Without them, you’ll fail to solve the simplest marital problems. Lying to your spouse or giving false impressions will leave your spouse ignorant of the facts.

In most marriages one of the biggest false impressions may be that both spouses are doing an outstanding job meeting each other’s needs. This form of deceit is often tempting early in marriage. There may have been some areas in which one or both of you were dissatisfied, but you didn’t want to appear unappreciative. You didn’t want to run the risk of withdrawing love units by expressing your dissatisfaction.

You can minimize the loss of love units by expressing your concerns in non-threatening, nonjudgmental ways. You can show appreciation for the effort made to meet your needs and then provide an alternative behavior that provides guidance for making that effort more effective. But only a true expression of your feelings will help you find a solution to your problems. Whenever you do not reveal the complete truth, you cripple your spouse’s ability to meet your needs. You provide a map that leads to failure. Truth is the only map that leads to success.

When finally presented with the truth about something that had been concealed, many spouses think only of punishment. They cry; they scream; they hit; they threaten-and all these things just convince the lying partner to cover his or her crimes more carefully in the future.

Don’t make your spouse miserable when he or she tells you the truth. That simply encourages dishonesty the next time. Instead, talk about how important honesty is to you and how you want to work together to achieve greater love and compatibility. Use the disclosure as evidence that you both need to rise to a new level of honesty.

How well do you encourage honesty? You may say that you want your spouse to be honest, but do your own values promote it? How do you answer the following questions?

• If the truth is terribly upsetting to you, do you want your spouse to be honest only at a time when you are emotionally prepared?

• Do you keep some aspects of your life secret and do you encourage your spouse to respect your privacy and boundaries in those areas?

• Do you like to create a certain mystery between you and your spouse?

• Are there conditions under which you would not want honesty at all costs between you and your spouse?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, you do not always value honesty. In certain situations, you feel your marriage is better off with dishonesty. You see, there are always “reasons” to be dishonest. But that little crack is all dishonesty needs to slip into your marriage and run amok. As soon as you allow one reason for dishonesty, it becomes easier to allow others, and before you know it, you have a dishonest relationship.

You encourage honesty when you value honesty. If your own values do not consistently support honesty, you will be sending each other mixed messages that will undermine the Rule of Honesty.

Having consistent values is one way to encourage honesty. But another important way to encourage it is in the way you react to honesty. Do your reactions convey an appreciation for the truth, even if it’s painful? These questions will help you determine if you are actually discouraging honesty in the way you sometimes react to it.

• Do you ever have angry outbursts when your spouse is honest with you?

• Do you ever make disrespectful judgments when your spouse is honest with you?

• Do you ever make selfish demands when your spouse is honest with you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are using Love Busters to punish honesty and you are inadvertently encouraging dishonesty. The way to encourage each other to be truthful is to minimize the negative consequences of truthful revelations. Instead of trying to punish your spouse when a shocking truth is revealed, try to reward your spouse’s honesty.

I have had couples learn to say, Thank you for being honest. If they feel they need some time to process the new information, so as to protect their spouse from any Love Buster, I have them add, Can I have ten minutes to think about this and then we’ll get back together to talk about it?

There are some marriages so infected by angry outbursts that it is not safe to be honest. Honesty runs the risk of a severe beating or even death. In these marriages, I suggest that a couple separate until safety can be assured. No couple should live together as long as one spouse persists in abusing the other. And if honesty triggers physical or emotional abuse, separation is usually the only reasonable response.

Dishonesty may prevent physical and emotional abuse in the short run but dishonesty can lead to even greater abuse when it is discovered. If the fear of abuse is preventing you from being honest, I suggest separation while the abusive spouse receives professional treatment. Then when the risk of abuse is overcome, be totally honest with your spouse.

Remember, honesty is never your enemy; it’s a friend that brings light to a problem that often needs a creative solution. If honesty is followed by safe and pleasant negotiation, it becomes the necessary first step toward improving your compatibility and love for each other.

The article above comes from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity —from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage. This is a great book for married couples who want to stay together after an affair. The authors describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after an affair, how to manage resentment and rebuild trust, and much more. You can also visit Dr. Harley’s web site at www.marriagebuilders.com.

• HOW COULD HE LIE TO ME?