If you have seen it (or you are going to watch it), the following questions and “Personal Points to Ponder” are provided to help you and your spouse discuss what you have experienced from the movie:

• Caleb and Catherine obviously had a lot of problems to work through in their marriage. Do you think their problems were “unique” to them or do you think they are pretty universally experienced — even with Christians? Explain.

• Who was more at “fault” for the near failure of their marriage — Caleb or Catherine? Explain.

Co-writer/director Alex Kendrick says the old adage “Never leave your partner behind” has “significance to non-firefighters” as well. In a television interview aired September 25, 2008 on the Dr Phil Show (www.drphil.com) he said,

“You know, it’s now national policy for firefighters: two in, two out. If you go to a fire, you stay with your partner, you go in and you come out, and that applies to marriage as well. You’re going to go through fire. The meaning of Fireproof is not that fire will never come, but when it comes, you can withstand it. And the only way to do that is to purposefully stay together, to have a higher standard than living just for yourself, but in meeting the other person’s needs.”

• Think of one thing that impressed you or that you learned from this movie that could help you to meet your spouse’s needs and improve your marriage relationship? Share what it is and how you think you can implement it.

• What was it about the “Love Dare” that impressed you?

In the movie, there is a scene where Caleb and his wife Catherine are involved in an explosive argument about being disrespected. Dr Phil asked Kirk Cameron, who played Caleb, if that was a hard scene for him to do. He replied,

“That was difficult, yeah. I’ve always said to myself, ‘You don’t go there. You’re not going to go there. You don’t just turn into an ugly beast on the person whom you love most. But I know that that is all too real for a lot of people because it just wells up and it comes out like a volcano.”

• How did this scene affect you? Could you identify with this level of friction?

Dennis Rainey, host of the radio program, “Family Life Today” www.familylife.com, said the following (during a 3 day broadcast aired September 24, 25, 26, 2008) concerning the above mentioned scene in the movie,

“I wonder if this is not going to be used by God for a man to be exposed to his own behavior in like a mirror, where physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse is happening. He’s going to finally see how disrespectful and how demeaning it is to a woman.”

To that, producer Stephen Kendrick replied,

“It’s interesting, Dennis, you used the word ‘mirror,’ because I believe that God uses a spouse to be like a mirror to us, and He will reveal to us how selfish we are, how greedy we can be, and how we’ll claim our own rights. There’s nothing like a wife to reveal to her husband his real nature.”

“You know, if the people who respect him at work lived with him and had to be in that kind of relationship with him, they may realize who he is. But a spouse brings it out of us. And God did that on purpose, because a marriage relationship is supposed to really be a discipleship to the Lord to form us into the image of Christ. If we’ll see it that way rather than resisting this person, we’ll say, ‘God, you’re revealing things that are not like Jesus that are in me that need to be dealt with so that I can more like Him.’”

• What are your thoughts on what Dennis and then Stephen said about God using marriage as a “mirror” to reveal our “real nature”?

PERSONAL POINTS TO PONDER: Have you experienced anger with your spouse that “wells up and comes out like a volcano?” After (and if) it “wells up”, have you given yourself permission to “go there” — to say things in such a manner that has turned you “into an ugly beast on the person whom you love the most?”

If so, we encourage you to pray together, asking the Lord to help you work through your future times of conflict. You may do this through talking together once, twice, or several times until you both feel you have figured out how to make your times of disagreements less explosive and disrespectful.

We have numerous articles and “tools” to help you in this journey posted and linked to, on our web site. You may even need a pastor, mentor couple, or counselor help you work through these issues until you BOTH feel you can resolve conflict in healthy ways. You CAN do this, and we encourage to do so.

On the Dr Phil program mentioned above, Dr Phil asked Executive Producer Michael Catt, “Is forgiveness and unconditional love a real message in this movie?” To that Michael replied,

“Oh, absolutely. I think people give up. One of the messages is that she’s getting bad counsel. All of her friends are saying, ‘Get a divorce.’ He’s getting good counsel to love and to forgive. I think who we listen to affects how we look at our marriage. We’re influenced by the voices around us, and we need to pay attention to the people who are telling us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear.”

• Each of you reflect and ask yourselves personally: Do I need to make changes in whom or what I listen to? Explain to your marriage partner what the Lord is impressing upon your heart.

• Think of one couple you know that really needs to see this movie. What can you do to get them to see it? (Suggestions: Pray for them; invite them to “double-date” with you to go see it; maybe offer to baby sit their kids so they can go out alone. Then, after they see it, give them a copy of these questions to go through them as a couple.)

TO PREVIEW OR PURCHASE THE BOOK, which was featured in the movie, please click onto the link provided below:

The LOVE DARE

A few additional resources that you may GREATLY benefit from obtaining are:

• FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE Couple’s Kit
Preview or Purchase This Product.

• FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE Leader’s Kit with Books and DVD
Preview or Purchase This Product.

• FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE Participants Guide
Preview or Purchase This Book.

For more discussion questions,
please click onto the following web site link below:

FIREPROOF DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

There is also a series of Marriage Sermons and Marriage Illustrations that could possibly help you as you reach out to improve your marriage. To see what they offer, please click onto the link provided below:

FIREPROOF SERMONS AND ILLUSTRATIONS

To listen to, or read the transcripts for the Family Life Today 3 part radio interview series titled, “Making Movies for God’s Glory” conducted by Dennis Rainey and the writers, producer, and Kirk Cameron, please click onto the links provided below:

• LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION

• NEVER LEAVE YOUR PARTNER BEHIND?

• ENTERTAINMENT WITH A MESSAGE

Also, below you will find a link to the great web site for the Association of Marriage and Family Ministries (AMFM). This website has been created for you as an individual or couple to journal your 40 Day Love Dare^TM experience. On this site you can write your own personal entries capturing your experiences (totally private), and have access to their general blog. You can also use the message board to ask questions and interact with others on the journey.

To take advantage of this opportunity, please click onto the link provided below:

40 DAY LOVE DARE

There are additional blogs you can read, centering on this movie, that are posted on the web site: www.fireproofthemovie.com. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

FIREPROOF BLOGS

Whatever the case, it’s none-the-less important to keep the lines of communication and conversation open so you grow together rather than apart. Don’t allow yourself to get into the situation like Pat Williams describes:

“The trouble in our marriage wasn’t infidelity, it was fidelity with fatigue, a marriage gone soft and sour due to lack of attention. It was the lack of communication that nearly killed us.”

Be intentional. Look, find, figure out, MAKE the time to converse and connect with each other in meaningful ways.

“Dialog is to love what blood is to the body.”

So, to help you in this mission for your marriage, we have provided some “Conversation Starters” from various resources to help you get started.

Keep in mind that these questions are not meant to cause division between you but rather to help you to better understand and know each other. If the conversation starts to go in a negative direction, stop and start again. If you need to revisit a particular question at another time to bridge your differences, then set a time to do so. But aim to do it in a way that is respectful of each other’s character and feelings.

During this time, however, keep the conversation going in a less confrontational direction.

Below you will find a sampling of several questions from the book titled, Creative Conversation Starters for Couples, written by Robert and Pamela Crosby, published by Honor Books. Unfortunately, this resource is no longer in print. (But if you can find a copy of the book somewhere in the future, you may find it helpful).

During your time together ask each other as many of the questions below as you decide to do at one sitting (and ask additional questions during other times you set aside):

• If you could store up only one hour’s worth of memory in your mind, which hour of our marriage would you want to remember?

• If you could have witnessed any biblical event, which one would you choose?

•  When do you feel most loved?

•  Which strengths in your life bring you the greatest satisfaction?

•  What is the kindest thing anyone ever did for you?

•  What is the best way for me to encourage you?

•  What time of day is best for us to talk?

•  If we could just drop what we’re doing and go do something fun, what would it be?

•  What is one of the most adventurous things you’ve ever done?

•  In your opinion, what makes a great parent?

•  What are five essential values we want our children to embrace above all others?

•  What can we do as a couple to change the world in which we live?

•  What goals would you like us to accomplish in our marriage in the next year? … five years? … ten years?

Below are several questions from the book, 201 Great Questions (Preview or buy this book now), by Jerry Jones, published by NavPress. (To obtain more questions you’ll need to obtain the book —which we recommend! And/or you may want to obtain the book 201 Great Questions for Married Couples) Preview or buy this book now. To begin your time together, ask the following questions:

• What is your earliest memory?

• If you could live in any other time period, past or future, what period would you choose? Why?

• What movie or television program have you seen in the last year that you wish all your friends could see?

• If someone gave you enough money to start a business of your own, what kind of business would you start?

• If you didn’t have to worry about making a living, what would you most like to do for the rest of your life?

• When making decisions, do you put more trust in facts or in feelings? Are you pleased with most of your decisions?

•  What do you consider to be your greatest strengths? Your greatest weaknesses?

• What is usually the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about God?

• What would you most like people to remember you for after you die?

• What are the five things you are most thankful for in your life right now? What are some of the things you do to show this thankfulness?

• Whose marriage do you most consider to be a model marriage? What is it about their marriage that you most admire?

• Has there been a time in the past year or two when God seemed especially real or close to you? If so, explain.

We also recommend the book, Now We’re Talking, by Robert and Pamela Crosby, published by Focus on the Family.Preview or buy this book now. Below are a few sample questions you can ask each other (which will hopefully inspire you to obtain the book to continue building your intimacy):

• What’s the best book you’ve read recently? Tell me about it. What did you like about it?

• Which holiday do you enjoy the most? Why that one?

• If you could possess any extraordinary talent in one of the arts, what would you choose?

• If you could bring any former leader from the past back to run our country today, who would it be?

• What makes a married relationship distinctively Christian? How is a Christian couple different from a non-Christian one?

• In what ways do you think the marriages of our parents affect the marriage you and I share today? Be honest with me.

• Are there some times when a disagreement needs to be postponed? if so, when? How can we discern those kinds of times?

• When have you felt the most loved by me?

• What fears do you wrestle with the most? How do you manage them?

• What practical steps can we take as a couple to “affair-proof” our marriage?

• With so many marriages falling apart around us today, what steps can you and I take to ensure that we stay close as a couple, emotionally and spiritually?

For additional questions you can use as conversation starters as a married couple, please click onto the web site links provided below:

• DATE NIGHT CONVERSATION STARTERS

• CONVERSATION FUN FOR COUPLES

•  MORE CONVERSATION FUN FOR COUPLES

The following conversation starters are intended to be used at a dinner party with guests. However, they also work (and most of them would probably work best) in starting conversations with each other as a married couple:

•  DINNER CONVERSATION STARTERS

And then below are questions that are recommended to ask each other every year:

•  10 QUESTIONS Every Woman Should Ask Her Husband Every Year

•  10 QUESTIONS Every Husband Should Ask His Wife Annually

This resource was put together by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

Are you having difficulty communicating with each other so you’re able to bridge your differences somehow?

Below you will find several different communication tools that could help you in your marriage so you’re able to hear each other better when you really need to. (Hopefully it will help you to become slower “to become angry.”)

Just like in a tool box you’ll find that you don’t use every tool every day, you’ll find the same for the communication tools that are listed below.

Use whatever you find helpful with the situation you’re dealing with whenever you need extra help:

THE CREATIVE NUMBER TECHNIQUE:

(From the book, Men Read Newspapers Not Minds —by Sandra Aldrich,
published by Tyndale House Publisher)

When needing clarification on the importance of a matter to your spouse have your spouse point to how they really feel over a matter.

#1: “I really don’t want to do this.”

#2: “I don’t want to do this, but I’m willing to talk about it.”

#3: “I don’t care one way or another.”

#4: “I’d like to do this, but I won’t die if we don’t.”

#5: “Yes, this is very, very important to me.”

THE PENCIL METHOD:

(This comes from the book, Happily Ever After, by Toben and Joanne Heim)

• Whoever holds the pencil gets to do the talking.

• The other person may ask clarifying questions but that’s all.

• Flip a coin and get started.

• Whoever has the pencil should try only to make feeling statements — “I feel this way when you …”

• After the person with the pencil has said all he or she has to say, pass the pencil.

A further insight from one of the authors of this method Toben Heim:

Question: Do you think couples should seek counseling for conflict? Tom: This may sound too simple, but seek counseling when the pencil technique or its equivalent doesn’t work. If you’re trying to listen to each other but it just isn’t working, or if the issue is so hot that you’re simply unable to listen to each other, then it’s time to get a third-party mediator to help you work through it. Some couples may think it’s a sign of weakness to get that kind of help, but just the opposite is true. It’s a sign of strength. I have couples that come to me for help after 15 years regarding an issue they’ve struggled with for every one of those 15 years. And others come in after a month of marriage. Who do you think is better off?

THE FIFTEEN MINUTE TIME-OUT RULE:
(Explained by Joanne Heim,
from the book, Happily Ever After, published by Kregel Publications.)

• [My husband] Toben promises that he won’t say a word for 15 whole minutes.

• At that point I am able to calmly explain why my feelings are hurt as well as being able to listen and understand as Toben then explains his side of the story.

We don’t use the “Fifteen Minute Time-Out Rule” very much, but it helps me immensely to know it’s there if I need it. And it saved a lot of hurt feelings and words that couldn’t be taken back during our early years of marriage.

I hate to admit it, but when I start feeling backed into a corner, I lash out. I say mean, hurtful, and ugly things that I end up regretting. And as Meg Ryan’s character said in the movie, You’ve Got Mail, there’s no reason to say those kinds of things to someone — no matter what he’s done (or what you think he’s done) to deserve it.

Paul said much the same thing in 1 Thessalonians (as interpreted in The Message):

“And be careful that when you get on each other’s nerves you don’t snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out” (1 Thessalonians 5:15).

The H.A.L.T. METHOD
of Dealing with Issues:

We aren’t sure who originally came up with this method, but it’s a good one to consider when you have anything important to discuss. TIMING can be essential in having a spouse truly hear what you are trying to communicate. The H.A.L.T. Method:

H.A.L.T. yourself from trying to talk about anything important or that could cause conflict when either of you is:

• Hungry

• Angry

• Lonely

• Tired.

If either of you is experiencing any of these … don’t say it yet! You have less success of things going in a good direction with what you are trying to discuss. Ask the Lord to show you a better time and the best way to say it.

H.A.L.T. times are troublesome in that they can close off a partner from truly hearing and listening to what you are really trying to communicate.

The GIFT EXERCISE:

Helping Couples Understand their Frustrations with Each Other
-From Soul Healing Love and How to Find Mr. or Mrs. Right

To read what this exercise involves please click onto the link provided below:

The GIFT Exercise

To read what this principle involves, we will link you to the web site of Peacemakers Ministries. Please click onto the link below to do so:

The P.A.U.S.E. Principle

PEACEFULLY RESOLVING ANGER:

(From the book, The Other Side of Love, by Dr Gary Chapman
published by Moody Press, pages 122-123)

On a 3X5 card, write the following words:

“I’m feeling angry right now but don’t worry, I’m not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is it a good time to talk?”

Put this card on the refrigerator door or some other easily accessible place. The next time you feel anger toward your spouse, run for the card. Holding it in your hand, read it to your spouse as calmly as you can.

• If it’s not “a good time to talk,” then set a time to talk.

• At the appointed time, begin the process of seeking explanation and resolution of the issue that stimulated your anger.

…When you sit down to discuss the issue, begin by saying, “I know that I could be misunderstanding this and that’s why I wanted to talk with you. Let me tell you what I am feeling and why. Then if you can clarify the situation, please do so because I need help in resolving this.” Such a beginning creates a non-threatening atmosphere in which to discuss the event that stimulated your anger.

MAKING AN ANTI-DIVORCE CONTRACT

To put this contract together, it would be helpful if you read an article written by Michael Smalley. In it, he explains the reasoning behind this principle and how to put this type of contract together. To read this article, please click onto the link provided below:

• Creating Relational Security Through an Anti-Divorce Contract

• Validate Marriage Mission Statement, and Basic Core Values. (Review together and decide how you did in living them out in your everyday lives.)

• Ask:

• Are you in agreement with how you’ve rated yourselves?

• Establish action plans for this month if you need to work on area of your individual live.

Plan a Household Task Update:

• Discuss home projects that need to be tended to so you’re both aware of them and are in agreement of what needs to be done and by whom:

• What project(s) needs to be done inside our home?

• What needs to be done on the outside of our home that needs special attention?

• Who’s to do what?

Have a Quick Budget Review:

• Where are we this month in keeping to our agreed upon budget—are we on track?

• Do we have any new expenses coming up that we need to be aware of?

• What’s our plan for saving for this (or these items)?

• Do we need to make adjustments in how we’re handling our money?

Encourage Each Other in Your Personal and Long-Range Goals:

(i.e. self-study, education, dieting, reading, exercising, hobbies, or just having some personal R&R time that’s important to you as a man or a woman). It’s important to have goals that you share together. But it’s also important to do something “just for you” (that doesn’t conflict with the family’s values or take too much time away from each other).

• Discuss your personal goals so you can encourage and pray for each other. (Keep in mind these goals aren’t to be at the expense of the other’s feelings.)

• Are there any changes from last month’s goals?

• How did you personally do with last month’s goals—did you complete them?

• Determine your own “80/20 goal” for this next month. (These are goals that will improve your life by 80% but will only require 20% of your effort (i.e. organizing or finishing a project that’s been bugging you for a long time and needs to be completed.)

• Pray for your goals (today and throughout the month).

• Discuss goals and plans you can share together including ministry goals. (It’s important to always have goals that you’re mutually working on together. This keeps your relationship alive and growing together rather than apart.)

• What goal(s) are we to work on together as a couple?

• What goal(s) are we to work on as a family?

(Make sure your dating times are for doing fun things together without the children along. These are to be set appointments and can only be changed upon a mutual agreement for a very good reason.)

• What can we do together on a date, as a couple that we’d both enjoy?

• When and where are we going to go to do this?

• Do we want to have friends join us for this occasion?

(plus quality time with each child if you have children living at home)

• What type of event(s) do we want to do together?

• When and where do we want to go?

• Do we want the whole family included?

• Do we want to include any friends to come along with us?

• What arrangements need to be done? Who’s to do what?

• “Do we need to change anything?”

• ASK:

• How are we doing in our own personal growth in sharing our faith with others?

• Pray for each other’s list of unsaved people that the Lord’s laid upon your hearts.

• Pray for others that need encouragement.

—bringing up major discussion points that need to be talked through:

• Lovingly discuss issues that are bothering you (These include sensitive topics you need to discuss thoroughly without interruption.)

• Is there an “unresolved” topic we need to revisit because we couldn’t finish our “discussion” about it previously?

• Tell what you appreciate about each other. (Too often we forget to do this.)

• Ask each other:

“What can I specifically be praying for you this next week/month?”

• PRAY TOGETHER. This is too important of a part of your relationship to neglect. Get comfortable praying aloud with each other now and every day. You may feel a bit awkward at first, but eventually, you’ll be blessed by it.

FOR CONNECTION TIME TOGETHER:

Start your time together in prayer asking for God’s guidance and leading.

• (Optional) Go over the “Marriage Checkup List and scriptures” together so you continue to live out the principles that are important to your marriage. (These are scriptures, and principles you’ve worked on together that exemplify the values you want to live by.)

• ASK: Is there anything that’s currently unresolved that we need to talk about? (If a difficult conflict comes up, review and use the helpful guidelines for resolving difficult conflicts as your guide.)

• ASK: Are there any family matters or parenting issues that we need to discuss?

• ASK: Is there anything coming up on out calendar that we need to discuss or prepare for?

• ASK: Are there any household or yard tasks that need to be accomplished?

• SHARE: What has the Lord been showing you in His Word, and in your life?

• SHARE: What has been a blessing to you in your life this week.?

• SHARE: What has been weighing heavily on your heart?

• ASK: What can I be praying for you this next week?

END YOUR TIME IN PRAYER WITH AND FOR EACH OTHER.

The above document was put together by Steve and Cindy Wright. You may find that you want to adapt it differently for your needs. Schedule this time together either weekly or bi-weekly so you don’t lose touch in communicating with each other on areas that affect your lives together.

The amount of times you schedule this isn’t as important as MAKING THE TIME A PRIORITY. If you’re both in partnership agreement that it needs to be done less or more often, then THAT’S how often you should put this time on your schedule. But just DO IT!

A related resource:

CONNECTION TIME:
Devotions in Disguise
A commitment to connect will bring you closer to each other
… and to God.
-By Carolyn and Craig Williford

TO READ THIS ARTICLE
from the terrific publication,
Marriage Partnership Magazine:

CLICK HERE

• Love is patient

~ Are we patient with each other?
~ Do we bear with one another’s weaknesses?

• Love is kind

~ Are we treating each other with loving kindness— and grace?
~ Are we tenderhearted in our attitudes — and our actions?
~ Are we being cynical and critical?
~ Are we using cutting humor in how we relate to one another?

• It does not envy

~ Has a spirit of envy been displayed by either one of us?
~ Are we exhibiting discontentment or resentment in what we have or don’t have?

• It does not boast; it is not proud

~ Are we being boastful … arrogant …or haughty?
~ Are we displaying an attitude of being more superior or smarter than the other?

• It is not rude

~ Are we being rude … intolerant … or harsh with each other?

• It is not self-seeking

~ Are we living together in partnership— not allowing our individual wants to take precedence over our relationship as a marital team?
~ Are we giving back or only taking?

• It is not easily angered

~ Are we being too irritable—or hypersensitive?

• It keeps no record of wrongs

~ Are we being too “historical” with each other?
~ Are we keeping score of that which we shouldn’t?

• Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth

~ Are we amusing ourselves with that which would not please God?
~ Are we taking delight in that which we shouldn’t?
~ When we converse are we speaking the truth in love?

• It always protects

~ Are we protecting each other’s feelings?
~ Do we rudely embarrass or belittle each other?
~ Can it be in any way interpreted that we’re attacking each other’s character?

• Always trusts

~ Are we living lives of trustworthiness?
~ Are we putting our trust in Christ?
~ Do we believe the best of our spouse?

• Always hopes

~ Are there times when we’re being too quick to assume the worst in each other?
~ Do we have hope because of Christ?

• Always perseveres

~ Are we giving up too easily?
~ Are we persevering through problems and conflicts rather than caving into them?

~ Are we remembering to be peacemakers—keeping in mind that it’s not as important “to be right as it is to do what’s right” for the good of our marital relationship and the Kingdom of God?

• When I was a child, I talked like a child; I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I grew up, I put childish ways behind me. (1 Corinthians 13:11)

~ Are we showing maturity in how we’re treating each other—refraining from “game playing?”

• Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)

~ Are we talking to each other in unwholesome ways?
~ Are we being dispensers of grace by building each other up?

• And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. (Ephesians 4:30-31)

~ Are we grieving the Holy Spirit of God in how we’re treating each other?
~ Have we gotten rid of all bitterness and every form of malice?

• But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking. (Ephesians 5:3-4)

~ Are we protecting our marriage sexually in what we’re viewing—not looking at sexual entertainment anywhere outside of our marriage bed?
~ Are we going the “extra mile” to honor our spouse in how we interact with those of the opposite sex—putting up protective hedges—so there’s not even a chance of anyone misunderstanding our words or our actions?

• Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord …Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:21-24)

~ Are you submitting to your husband out of reverence for Christ?

• Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, Cleansing her by the washing with water through the Word. (Ephesians 5:25-26)

~ Are you demonstrating your love for your wife by cleansing her by the washing with water through the Word of God?

• Have nothing to do with fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. (Ephesians 5:11)

~ Are we participating in anything that Christ would call “deeds of darkness”?
~ Are we exposing them as sinful and unhealthy?

• Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. (Ephesians 5:15-16)

~ Are we making the most of every opportunity?
~ Are we balanced in how we spend our time so we don’t burn out?
~ Are we seeking the Lord’s will in how we live so others are attracted to Christ?

• Periodically meet at a time when they can have uninterrupted time to spend with one another.
• They pray, asking the Lord to guide them in their time to help them to peaceably work through this list of questions.
• They determine who’s going to ask each question out loud and then have them read them one at a time.
• They pause after each question is read, to prayerfully consider it.
• They take turns HONESTLY answering and discussing the question that was read (honoring each other’s perspective on what they believe to be true).
• If they realize they’ve hurt their partner then they confess and ask them for forgiveness.
• When they feel satisfied that it’s time to move on to the next question they do so until they’ve gone through each one.
• Afterwards they each pray asking the Lord to forgive them for the ways they’ve offended each other.

This has been a very effective tool in helping them keep “short accounts” with ways they may have offended and hurt their spouse. It also has brought them closer together in their marital partnership.

We will start by praying together for tender hearts and wisdom—committing to come together in a spirit of humility and reconciliation —considering the health of our marriage as more important than our individual interests.

• Psalm 139:23-24 — Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

• Proverbs 2:1-5 — My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

• Proverbs 3:7 — Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil.

• Proverbs 11:2 — When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

• Proverbs 16:18 — Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

• Proverbs 26:12 — Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

• Philippians 2:3-4 — Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

• James 3:17-18 — Wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

• 1 Peter 1:13 — Prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.

We commit to handle ourselves with maturity —being quick to listen and slow to speak —reaching for the goal of continually trying to better understand each other.

• James 1:19 — My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

• Proverbs 1:5 — Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.

• Proverbs 10:8 — The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin.

• Proverbs 15:18 — A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.

• Proverbs 15:28 — The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.

• Proverbs 16:23 — A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.

• Proverbs 18:13 — He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.

• Proverbs 18:17 — The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.

• Proverbs 29:20 — Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

• 1 Corinthians 13:11 — When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

• 1 Corinthians 14:20 — Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.

We will speak the truth in love —respectfully honoring each other’s feelings.

• Proverbs 16:23 — A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.

• Proverbs 10:29 — The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse.

• Proverbs 12:18 — Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

• Proverbs 17:27 — A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.

• Proverbs 18:2 — A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.

• Ephesians 4:15 — Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is that Head, that is, Christ.

• Philippians 4:29 — Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

We won’t allow our discussion to escalate into yelling or name-calling. And we will refrain from provoking each other by delivering “cheap shots” —sarcasm, innuendos, and rudeness which complicates the issues. If that happens we’ll call for a time-out and come back together at an agreed upon time.

• Proverbs 4:24 — Put away perversity from your mouth keep corrupt talk far from your lips.

• Proverbs 13:3 — He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.

• Proverbs 8:7-8 — My mouth speaks what is true, for my lips detest wickedness. All of the words of my mouth are just; none of them is crooked or perverse.

• Proverbs 18:21 — The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

• Proverbs 29:11 — A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

• 1 Corinthians 13:5 — Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs.

• Galatians 5:15 — If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

• Ephesians 4:26, 31 — In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

• 1 Peter 2:11 — Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.

• Titus 3:2 — Remind the people to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men.

We commit to MEAN what we say —so neither one of us is put into the position of being expected to read the other person’s mind.

• Proverbs 11:3 — The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.

• Proverbs 21:28 — A false witness will perish, and whoever listens to him will be destroyed forever.

• Proverbs 24:26 — An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.

• Matthew 5:37 — Simply let your “Yes” be “Yes”, and your “No,” “No”; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

• James 5:12 — Above all, my brothers, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or anything else. Let your “Yes” be yes, and your “No,” no or you will be condemned.

We will stick to the subject on hand —not allowing our discussion to sidetrack onto any other grievance at this time. (Other issues can be dealt with at another time.)

• 1 Corinthians 14:40 — Everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way.

• Proverbs 4:25-26 — Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.

• Proverbs 4:27a — Do not swerve to the right or the left.

• 1 Peter 4:7 — The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.

We will avoid using “never” and “always” statements —seeking to be accurate, truthful, and realistic in what we say.

• Proverbs 11:1 — The Lord abhors dishonest scales, but accurate weights are his delight.

• Proverbs 21:23 — He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.

We will work not to judge each other—but rather seek to express our own feelings over the matter.

We will speak to each other in “I feel” statements (explaining our own perspective) rather than in “you” statements pointed at our spouse accusing them of feelings they may or may not have. (An example of this would be: “I feel lonely when you’re gone so much,” rather than “You never come home.”)

• Proverbs 15:28 — The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.

• Matthew 7:1-2 — Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

We will refrain from playing the “blame game”— and will each look for the plank in our own eye—rather than the speck in our spouse’s.

• Proverbs 16:2 — All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.

• Proverbs 21:2 — All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart.

• Proverbs 19:3 — It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.

• Matthew 7:1-5 — Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother; “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

• 1 Peter 3:8 — Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

We will readily apologize and sincerely ask for forgiveness for whatever way that we have hurt our spouse and for whatever tension we’ve caused in our marital relationship by our behavior.

• Matthew 5:23 — If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

• Matthew 6:14 — For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

• Luke 17:3-4 — If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, “I repent,” forgive him.

We will work to forgive each other as Christ has forgiven us — never again reminding our spouse of the pain for which we’ve said we’ve forgiven them. And we’ll make daily choices not to dwell on those painful thoughts in the future.

• Matthew 5:9 — Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

• Romans 12:18 — If it is possible as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

• Romans 14:19 — Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.

• 2 Corinthians 10:5 — We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

• Ephesians 4:32 — Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

• Colossians 3:13 — Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

• Hebrews 12:14-15 — Make every effort to live in peace with all men to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

• 1 Peter 5:16 — Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

We will end our time together in prayer giving thanks for what we’ve learned about our relationship with each other. We will each ask God to bless our spouse and help us to be a blessing to them knowing that is our mission because of our marriage vows.

• Proverbs 16:3 — Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

• Philippians 1:9-10 — And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.

• Colossians 3:15 — Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.

• Hebrews 13:20 — May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ.

• 1 Thessalonians 5:11 — Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.

• 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 — Pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

• James 5:16 — Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

• 1 Peter 3:8-9 — Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

The above guidelines came to us from various sources, some suggested, some our own, and some from other sources that had no authors attached to them (so we can’t give proper credit to them). We pray they will be of help to you as you work to resolve your own relational conflicts within your marriage.

This is a more detailed version with scripture verses of another document that we also have in the Communication section of this web site. We hope that you’ll review it together, going through each point with the corresponding scriptures and discuss what it would mean to your relationship if you made a covenant to use these as your guidelines whenever you come upon points of tension that you need to resolve with each other.

• We will start by praying together for tender hearts and wisdom—committing to come together in a spirit of humility and reconciliation —considering the health of our partnership as more important than our individual interests.

• We commit to handle ourselves with maturity —being quick to listen and slow to speak —reaching for the goal of continually trying to better understand each other.

• We will speak the truth in love —respectfully honoring each other’s feelings.

• We won’t allow our discussion to escalate into yelling or name-calling. And we will refrain from provoking each other by delivering “cheap shots”—sarcasm, innuendos, and rudeness which complicates the issues. If that happens we’ll call for a time-out and come back together at an agreed upon time.

• We commit to MEAN what we say —so neither one of us is put into the position of being expected to read the other person’s mind.

• We will stick to the subject at hand—not allowing our discussion to sidetrack onto any other grievance at this time. (Other issues can be dealt with at another time.)

• We will avoid using “never” and “always” statements —seeking to be accurate, truthful, and realistic in what we say.

• We will seek to express our own feelings over the matter and speak to each other in “I feel” statements (explaining our own perspective) rather than in “you” statements pointed at our spouse accusing them of feelings they may not have. (An example of this would be: “I feel lonely when you’re gone so much,” rather than “You never come home.”)

• We will refrain from playing the “blame game” — and will each look for the plank in our own eye—rather than the speck in our spouse’s.

• We will apologize and sincerely ask for forgiveness for whatever way that we have hurt our spouse and for whatever tension we’ve caused in our marital relationship.

• We will work to forgive each other as Christ has forgiven us—never again reminding our spouse of the pain for which we’ve said we’ve forgiven them. And we’ll make daily choices not to dwell on those painful thoughts in the future.

• We will end our time together in prayer giving thanks for what we’ve learned about our relationship with each other. We will each ask God to bless our spouse and help us to be a blessing to them knowing that is our mission because of our marriage vows.

•

•

We commit to follow these guidelines:

Signed: ______________________ and _________________________.

The above guidelines came to us from various sources — some suggested — some our own — and some from other sources that had no authors attached to them (so we can’t give them proper credit). We pray they will be of help to you as you work to resolve conflicts within your marriage. Please feel free to copy and adapt them in any way that works for you.

There is also a more detailed version of this document in the Communication Tools section of this web site with scriptures added that you might find helpful to review with your spouse at some point.

-ALSO-

Below is a link to Gary Smalley’s web site which has an article posted that could also help you in this area of communication. You may want to add or substitute several of the points listed onto the document featured above. Please click onto the link below to read:

• RULES FOR COUPLES’ CONFLICT

We believe God has called us to live a life of love in our marriage in a pro-active, CHRIST-LIKE manner — regarding our GOD and each other as more important than ourselves. Further, we believe God has called us to be “MARRIAGE MISSIONARIES” to live, learn and lead others to live in healthy Covenantal Relationship with Christ and with each other.

BASIC CORE VALUES: We acknowledge the importance of living what we believe. In covenant with God and with each other we vow to “CHOOSE EACH OTHER” everyday in small and large ways. We pledge to:

• Honor God above all by submitting to the authority of His Word in all things-even at the sacrifice of our own desires.

• Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. (Proverbs 16:3)

• The LORD, the God of Israel, declares: “I promised that your house and your Father’s house would minister before me forever,” but now the LORD declares: “Far be it from Me! Those who honor Me I will honor, but those who despise Me will be disdained.” (1 Samuel 2:30)

• Be imitators of God — living a life of sacrificial love just as Christ loved and gave Himself up for us.

• Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1-2)

• Love, honor, and cherish each other as “unto the Lord” in word and deed until we’re parted by death. We will protect each other’s feelings both at home and in public.

• A new command I give you: Love one another as I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. (John 13:34)

• So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:23)

• Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to GOD the Father through Him. (Colossians 3:17)

• Keep the lines of communication open so we grow together in our relationship in “an understanding way”. We’ll speak regularly about those things that are important to us and will not allow life to slide us apart physically, spiritually, or emotionally.

• A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions. (Proverbs 18:2)

• A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. (Proverbs 16:23-24)

• Strive to keep short accounts when angry. We will work to identify the underlying cause of our anger when it occurs, and deal with it so we don’t give the enemy of our faith a foothold into dividing us against each other.

• A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. (Proverbs 17:27)

• Take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. (James 1:19-20)

• In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26-27)

• Forgive one another. When we cross a line into unhealthy anger, we will seek the other’s forgiveness for the hurt we’ve caused. We will forgive each other as Christ has forgiven us.

• Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ GOD forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)

• For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)

• Continually provide each other with words of encouragement combined with affectionate touch — knowing this is necessary for the health of our relationship.

• Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29-30)

• Prayerfully and emotionally support the character growth of our spouse. We will work to build each other up spiritually and emotionally—supporting one another by our actions. We commit ourselves to pray with one another, and for one another.

• Rejoice with and cry with each other -sharing in each other’s joys, and heartaches-being sympathetically supportive of each other when one of us is hurting.

• Work to maintain protective hedges against sexual temptations and every sin that can so easily build itself up against Christ and against each other. When one of us has reason for concern, it’s to become a concern to the both of us. We will not allow anyone to tear apart what God has joined together.

• Put away immature game playing. We recognize that we’re called to maturity in our married lives and will seek to conduct ourselves accordingly.

• When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. But when I grew up, I put childish ways behind me. (1 Corinthians 13:11)

• Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil. (Hebrews 5:13-14)

• Infuse humor into our lives together so we don’t lose sight of the joy of the Lord and the healing power that laughter can bring.

• A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. (Proverbs 17:22)

• Reach out beyond our walls to be a spiritual help to others for Christ and will be supportive in each other’s efforts in this mission.

Many individuals have found that such a written creed has helped them stay focused on what matters most in life. Acting as a kind of “personal constitution,” a mission statement serves as a helpful guide for daily decision making. It keeps us on track spiritually, morally, and relationally so that when we get to the end of life we do not look back and feel large measures of regret.

Married couples can also benefit greatly from this process of careful planning and intentional living.

Here are some ways you can stop reacting to life and start living pro-actively in your marriage:

1. Take a long, hard look at your own character. Assess your strengths and weaknesses. Take stock of your gifts and abilities, as well as the blessings and experiences God has put in your life. Think back over your successes and failures. Analyze your God-given passions (e.g., a desire to make a difference in a certain area).

• What do you need to change about yourself?
• Where do you need divine help?
• What qualities are you proud of?
• What habits do you need to eliminate?

This can be a very uncomfortable, even painful exercise. But by honest assessment, you can begin minimizing your weaknesses and maximizing your strengths. Also (as AA has discovered), it’s only when we admit we have problems in certain areas, that we begin to seek humbly for help.

2. Envision yourselves at the end of life. It’s your sixtieth or sixty-fifth wedding anniversary, say, and you’re gathered with your children and grandchildren (maybe even great-grandchildren!) They are throwing a big surprise shindig for you, and reflecting on your life together. They are telling stories and expressing their love.

• What memories do you want them to have?
• What accomplishments do you want to be able to look back over—relationships (with God and with others), impact on the world for eternity’s sake, service to your fellowman, career achievements, etc.?
• What character qualities do you want them to remember about you?
• What values do you want your children and their descendants to have caught and to be in the process of passing on?
• In short, what kind of legacy do you want to leave?

3. Talk to your spouse at length about your values, hopes, dreams, and ideals. (This may even be the subject of a weekend away together.)

This is deeper than, “One day I hope we can buy a boat and a camp on a lake in the country.” This is more along the lines of, “I want us to be a family that is radically committed to Jesus Christ in every way!” or, “My dream is that it could truly be said of us that we poured out our lives in love for and service to God and people.”

Think specifically about these matters. Plan on spending a long time on this exercise. Don’t imagine you can complete this assignment while you’re watching Wheel of Fortune! In essence you are trying to summarize all that you want to live for into a concise statement. You are writing your epitaph in advance.

4. Prayerfully begin backing up. Envision what you need to do now to get to where you’d like to end up. This is where goals come into play. You need long-term goals to point you in the right overall direction, and you need short-term goals to keep you on track day by day, and week by week.

Marital Goal-Setting* (*after you’ve established an overall mission statement).

What specific things do you want to accomplish:
• Spiritually (i.e., relationship with God)?
• Familiarly (i.e., in terms of relating to parents, children, etc.)?
• Physically (i.e., in terms of maintaining your health and fitness)?
• Financially (i.e., in terms of giving, saving, and spending money)?
• Socially (i.e., in terms of maintaining and developing friendships)?
• Vocationally (i.e., in career and/or employment situations)?
• Recreationally (i.e., in terms of leisure activities, vacations, etc.)?
• Intellectually (i.e., in terms of continued mental growth and stimulation)?

The above article can be found in the book, “Marriage Clues for the Clueless” by Len Woods, Christopher D Hudson, Jeanette Dall, and Mary Ann Lackland, published by Promise Press. This little book is filled with expert advice, fun “how we met” stories, and loads of encouragement on all kinds of topics from engagement to enjoying the “empty nest.” You’ll discover: What to expect at each stage of your relationship, Biblical foundations for lasting marriages, 52 ways to say “I love you,” unforgettable words of wisdom from couples who have “been there, done that,” survival tips for the battle of the sexes, surprising differences between his needs and her needs, and much, much more.

Ten Major Benefits of Writing a Personal Family Constitution

1. It brings the family into unity. Romans 12:16 exhorts us to “be of the same mind toward one another,” knowing that a house divided against itself cannot stand. If one member suffers, all the members suffer with it (1 Corinthians 12:26). The Lord’s will is for all His children to walk in oneness (Philippians 2:2).

2. It follows the pattern of Christ and His church. Ephesians 5:23 explains that husbands and wives are to live by His example with the church. Headship and submission are well understood by the military, where the leaders lay out clear plans for training and battle.

3. It reduces prolonged or angry arguments. One article of a constitution can be to agree to list all the negative and positive reasons to follow a certain course of action. Seeing the two sides of an issue can bring about quicker resolution to important decisions which brings about the desired unity.

4. It forces meaningful and honorable communication. When members of a family agree to live in oneness, they are more willing to engage in lengthy discussions in order to resolve important issues.

5. It gives greater security and stability for each family member. Both parents and children find comfort in a firm foundation. Also, kids do not experience as many unsettling surprises in discipline.

6. It provides continual reminders of a family’s most important values and rules. The constitution is usually displayed in a prominent household location, just as Moses and the Israelites kept a jar of manna as a memorial of God’s provision.

7. It allows a family to prioritize its most important values. Many often settle for the mediocre and second-best, falling short of God’s high standards. Clear precedents will lead the way to unhindered obedience.

8. A written constitution can become the policing force at home. This actually allows each family member to show greater love and comfort whenever an article of the constitution is violated.

9. It can reduce stress and bring greater relaxation. Each member of a family finds comfort in knowing that everyone is aware of the other’s needs and concerns.

10. The Lord’s contract with His children is that He will never leave them or forsake them, and He promises to meet their needs through His riches in glory (Philippians 4:19).

TEN POSSIBLE ARTICLES OF A FAMILY CONSTITUTION

1. We recognize that God loves us and will meet all our needs through His riches in glory. We also realize He will use our trials to bless us and develop more of His love within us.

2. We commit to honor God and His creation above ourselves.

3. We agree to resolve any angry conflicts between ourselves each day before the sun sets.

4. We resolve to touch each other lovingly and sincerely as needed on a daily basis.

5. We understand the value of spending meaningful time together. Therefore, we agree to schedule regular monthly activities that each family member can enthusiastically support.

6. We recognize that all our money belongs to the Lord, and we purpose to seek His will and wisdom regarding the earning, giving, saving and any other use of His funds.

7. We further recognize that God has created each person as a unique individual with differing strengths and personality characteristics. Therefore, we will endeavor to discover these differences and learn to accept and praise them.

8. We each recognize the great importance of daily meaningful communication between one another. Therefore, we purpose to spend the necessary time each day, as possible, to carefully listen to each other and to express our deepest thoughts and needs.

9. We resolve to care for one another in a tender and affectionate manner.

10. We agree to believe the best in each other and to trust the words and actions of one another as honest. If this trust is broken at any time, we all agree to restore the trust by confessing the untruths, by seeking forgiveness, and by making any necessary restitution.

With the help of the men of Scottsdale Bible Church in Scottsdale, Arizona, the following goals for family constitutions were developed as a model. These are summary challenges for each man to adopt as his own, to God’s glory and for the betterment of families.

HONOR:

We honor God above all by submitting to the authority of His word in all things. This honor must extend to our families first, and then to others. We must honor God’s creations and those He has put in positions of authority. Traits of this honor are obedience, understanding, respect, responsibility, praise and, above all, love. We will show honor by how we treat others, possessions and God’s creation, thinking more highly of others than ourselves.

PERSONALITY STRENGTHS:

Realizing that our differences were a major factor in our being drawn together as husbands and wives, we will seek always to keep that “first love” commitment alive by valuing our differences. Additionally, we will actively seek to understand more about the other person’s viewpoint, thought process, and natural reactions as a way of increasing our understanding and appreciation. Taking seriously the admonition that we are not all an “eye, or an ear” but different yet important parts of God’s body, we will seek to value all members of our households and live with them in an understanding way.

ANGER:

In our families, we purpose to shut out unhealthy anger with each other. When we talk about issues, we will be slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to anger (James 1:19). When anger occurs, we will recognize the individual differences among us, but we will not allow the sun to go down on our anger (Ephesians 4:26). We will strive to identify the causes of the anger and deal with those causes instead of ignoring them. And without exception, if we cross the line into unhealthy anger with our tone of voice, words or actions, we will seek the forgiveness of those we have hurt (Matthew 18:22).

MEANINGFUL TOUCH:

We agree to provide every family member with abundant praise and encouragement, combined with affectionate touch. This may include hugs, holding hands or other loving expressions agreed on by the couple. We pledge to do this consistently, even when our feelings may be in conflict.

COMMUNICATION:

We pledge to take time to speak regularly about those things that are important to us and our loved ones. We will take seriously their frustrations, fears, disappointments, burdens and dreams. We further pledge to seek actively to communicate our love verbally. We will do this daily. Additionally, we will carve out the communication time our spouses need so that we might find unity, intimacy and peace in our relationships that God might be honored.

FAMILY BONDING EXPERIENCES:

Because we are called to “number our days,” we make a commitment to measure out meaningful time with our wives and children. We will seek to provide consistent family bonding activities that are not based on money spent, but on time spent together. To do so, we will sit down as a family and find out each person’s needs and likes, and then we will develop as many activities as we can that provide a warm, family experience.

FINANCES:

We pledge to communicate the financial needs of our families. We will set goals to establish a budget in order to free ourselves from the bondage of poor money management. We promise to limit the use of credit cards and to never use money as a means of controlling our families. Our resources are to be shared in an honoring way and used to further the gospel of Christ.

The above article comes from the wonderful ministry of Focus on the Family www.family.org and has been made available as an information sheet for those who request it (which we did). They give permission for this document to be copied without prior permission from Focus on the Family as long as it is copied in its entirety for non-commercial purposes. We ask if you make copies that you honor their request giving credit to their ministry.

— ALSO —

Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• THE SMALLEY MARRIAGE CONSTITUTION

If you have additional tips you can share to help others, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

In 1963 a study during the Kennedy Administration concluded that America had shifted its focus from the family to the workplace. JFK’s words, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,” gave people the inspiration to make something of their lives. In the aftermath lay the broken and shattered families that we deal with today.

Every couple can develop a family Mission Statement by following the four outlined below.

Step #1 Determine Your Core Values

What matters to you? What matters to your spouse? Your kids? Core values are simply those people, activities, beliefs, or things that matter most, ranging from concepts like love and acceptance, to something material like a house. Core Values are different for every person.

Some would say that only concepts can be values. We have experienced, however, that values are often expressed by the activities in which we participate or the feelings that a particular place or object might generate within us.

For example, Laura grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, a major metropolitan area where anything and everything is easily accessible. I grew up in Petoskey, Michigan, a classic small Midwestern town. For the first three years of our marriage we lived in Atlanta. Laura thought life was wonderful, but I was less comfortable living in the metropolitan jungle.

It was Laura who suggested we pursue moving to Michigan. It was Laura who first thought that Alma was the town for us. It is now Laura who wouldn’t leave Alma for anything in the world. Her Core Values now include the benefits of small town living. Thus, places and things —while they may not be values in concept —do generate within us feelings and emotions that can be categorized as values.

The first step in developing a Family Mission Statement is to list your Core Values. Now, don’t sit down one night at the dinner table and try to think of everything that is important to you. It’s simply not possible.

Start with a manila envelope or file folder. Keep it accessible and in plain sight. Each day write down one Core Value, and place it in the envelope. Sometimes a Core Value will become evident while you’re driving to work or the store, or enter your conscious reality through the verse of song or a line in a poem. Discussion of an issue over a meal or date may identify a Core Value. Please don’t rush the process; allow 30 to 60 days to generate as many values as you can.

Now take a Saturday morning, a Sunday evening, or whenever is convenient and dump all the Core Values you have written on a table. Categorize them by topic or any logical category that makes sense to you.

If you don’t understand a particular value that your spouse has written, take the time to have her explain it to you. It may be a value you already share. For example, one value that Laura identified was “fun.” I didn’t completely grasp the meaning until she explained that it was important for her to be stimulated by experiences we would share. Suddenly what Laura had written made perfect sense.

Pay particular attention to Core Values that you both wrote down. They will be a great bridge to build on in step #2.

Step #2. Discover Your Central Core Value

In youth ministry, we played a game with the teens that went along with the focus that night of “priorities.” It was a fun game, and gave us some deep insight into what really mattered to them.

We passed out pads and pencils and asked them to list the ten most important things in their life, explaining that “things” could mean anything from people to ideas to material possessions-anything they felt they couldn’t live without.

We strongly encouraged the kids to make choices based on their true feelings and beliefs, explaining that the root of the word belief means “to live by.” Their decisions should be based on what they were prepared to live by, not just what they thought sounded impressive.

Next we told them to choose two they would give up, decreasing their list to eight items. For some, choosing was easy; for others it was a little more painful and time consuming.

The process was repeated, paring their list down to six, then four, then two, then one. We wanted to find out what was of highest importance in these kids’ lives.

The discussion which followed was prodded by the question, “Tell us why you chose to leave behind what you did and why you kept what you did?”

Forever ingrained in my memory are the words, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” I am sure many of you share a similar memory. My persistent retort echoed, “Because I am not my sister, I am me!” As a result, one of my central Core Values is to be unique. Whatever I do, how I decorate my house, how I dress, how I live my life, I want to be unique. I want to be me!”

Hopefully, you’re already a step ahead of us. Write down your top ten Core Values as a couple or a family.

Now comes the process of discovering your Central Core Value. The way to do this is through open discussion, asking each other which of these values you could live without if you absolutely had to. Start by paring your list down to eight, then six, and so on until you identify (through mutual consent and support) that single Core Value around which you will build your lives.

This process may be intense. For some the paring process could take weeks or months of discussion, prayer, and soul searching. For others, it may not be that difficult, as you discover that even though you may express it in different terms, you and your spouse are on the same page when it comes to your Core Values.

After discovering that Central Core Value, you will be ready for the third step:

Step #3. Devise Your Family Mission Statement

To successfully devise your Family Mission Statement, we recommend a formula. It is not the end all, be all, but it does provide a solid foundation for you and your family to build a mission statement that is poignant, pregnant, and bursting forth with truths to live by.

First review the Core Values on your top ten list and find the final three to five. These additional Core Values are what we call Subsequent Core Values. They are not your Central Core Value, but are of extremely high importance to you. If you examine them closely, they may support or parallel the achievement of your Central Core Value.

Our Family Mission
To encourage others to become like Christ through loving relationships,
healthy lifestyles, and stimulating experiences.

The formula is quite simple and reads as follows: To (insert Central Core Value here) by [or through] (insert three to five Subsequent Core Values here). Sounds too simple, doesn’t it? Formulas can’t be that easy-or can they?

Let’s look at our Mission Statement again. Our Central Core Value was encouraging others to become like Christ. This surpassed our immediate family to include the people that we encounter in Alma every day and through many speaking and workshop settings across the country. We accomplish this through our Subsequent Core Values of loving relationships (with our family and friends), healthy lifestyles (balancing all areas of life), and stimulating experiences (a phrase which encompasses Laura’s idea of “fun”).

Developing a Family Mission Statement will help you step off the treadmill and begin to move in the direction the Lord has given you. Focusing on the values you hold dear in your life will help you stay on course and not allow you to stray back to the treadmill.

After Jay and I completed this process, I had to evaluate my activities and decide whether they were keeping me on the treadmill or facilitating the accomplishment of my mission. While they were all worthy causes, I now had the freedom to say “no.”

Step #4 Develop Personal Habits

Your final step in the Family Mission Statement process is to give you and your family a framework in which to live out your mission. Again, this may seem too simple, but the best way is to review the Core Values your family recorded in the file folder. These can ultimately be expressed as habits you and your spouse or family desire to practice. Here are the Laffoons’ 25 Habits of the House:

Habits of Our Home
We obey the Lord Jesus Christ.
We love, honor and pray for each other.
We tell the truth.
We consider one another’s interest ahead of our own.
We do not hurt each other with unkind words or deeds.
We speak quietly and respectfully to one another.
When someone is sorry, we forgive him.
When someone is happy, we rejoice with him.
When someone is sad, we comfort him.
When someone needs correction, we correct him in love.
When we have something nice to share, we share it.
We take good care of everything God has given us.
We do not create unnecessary work for others.
When we have work to do, we do it without complaining.
When we open something, we close it.
When we turn something on, we turn it off.
When we don’t know what to do, we ask.
When we take something out, we put it away.
When we make a mess, we clean it up.
We arrive on time.
We do what we say.
We finish what we start.
We say please and thank you.
When we go out, we act as if we are in this house.
When necessary, we accept discipline and instruction.

Now you possess power and freedom you may have never experienced before. The reality is that these documents —both the Family Mission Statement, and the Habits of the House —are “Living Documents.” They are not etched on tablets of stone and may need to be reviewed and revised from time to time, but they do provide guidelines to build a home filled with celebration.

The above article comes from the humorous book, Make Love Everyday, by Jay and Laura Laffoon, published by Celebrate Press. It gives 12 ways to celebrate your marriage and gives couples permission to celebrate, plus shows them how to live with respect, ceremony, and festivity. Jay and Laura are great at encouraging couples to enjoy being married. They do this through telling stories and giving Biblical truth and practical advice. This is a fun book to read that can inspire and challenge you to celebrate your own marriage.

Jay and Laura are an inspirational duo whose conferences offer unique opportunities for celebration. They focus on Biblical principles that will transform your marriage. They can be reached at http://celebrateyourmarriage.com.

“Take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:19-20).

That is easier said than done, right? In fact, this may be hardest to do in marriage because of the great potential to feel hurt by those we love.

The Speaker-Listener Technique offers you an alternative way of communicating when issues are hot or sensitive, or likely to get that way. Any conversation in which you want to increase clarity and safety can benefit from this technique. Most couples (although not all) can decide whether to go out for Chinese food without this technique, but many can use more help when dealing with sensitive issues like money, sex, and in-laws. It’s the structure of the technique that makes it work. Here are the rules.

RULES FOR BOTH OF YOU:

1. The speaker has the floor. Use a real object to designate the floor. When giving seminars, we hand out small cards or pieces of linoleum or carpet for couples to use. You can use anything, though—the TV remote, a piece of paper, a paperback book, anything at all. If you do not have the floor, you are the Listener. As Speaker and Listener you follow the rules for each role. Note that the Speaker keeps the floor while the Listener paraphrases, keeping it clear who is in which role all the time.

2. Share the floor. You share the floor over the course of a conversation. One has it to start and may say a number of things. At some point, you switch roles and continue back and forth as the floor changes hands.

3. No problem solving. When using this technique you are going to focus on having good discussions. You must consciously avoid coming to solutions prematurely.

RULES FOR THE SPEAKER:

1. Speak for yourself. Don’t mind read.Talk about your thoughts, feelings, and concerns, not your perceptions or interpretations of the Listener’s point of view or motives. Try to use “I” statements, and talk about your own point of view.

2. Talk in small chunks. You will have plenty of opportunity to say all you need to say, so you don’t have to say it all at once. It is very important to keep what you say in manageable pieces to help the Listener actively listen. If you are in the habit of giving long monologues, remember that having the floor protects you from interruption, so you can afford to pause for the paraphrase to be sure your partner understands you. A good rule of thumb is to keep your statements to just a sentence or two, especially when first learning the technique.

3. Stop and let the Listener paraphrase. After saying a bit, perhaps a sentence or two, stop and allow the Listener to paraphrase what you just said. If the paraphrase was not quite accurate, you should politely restate what was not heard in the way it was intended to be heard. Your goal is to help the Listener hear and understand your point of view.

RULES FOR THE LISTENER:

1. Paraphrase what you hear. To paraphrase the Speaker, briefly repeat back what you heard the Speaker say, using your own words if you like, to make sure you understand what was said. The key is that you show your partner that you are listening as you restate what you heard, without any interpretations. If the paraphrase is not quite right (which happens often), the Speaker should gently clarify the point being made. If you truly don’t understand some phrase or example, you may ask the Speaker to clarify or repeat, but you may not ask questions on any other aspect of the issue unless you have the floor.

2. Don’t rebut. Focus on the Speaker’s message. While in the Listener role, you may not offer your opinion or thoughts. This is the hardest part of being a good Listener. If you are upset by what your partner says, you need to edit out any response you may want to make, so you can continue to pay attention to what your partner is saying. Wait until you get the floor to state your response. As Listener, your job is to speak only in the service of understanding your partner. Any words or gestures to show your own opinions are not allowed, including making faces. Your task is to understand. Good listening does not equal agreement. You can express any disagreement when you have the floor.

Additional Helpful Thoughts for Using this Method:

When using the Speaker-Listener Technique, the Speaker is always the one who determines if the Listener’s paraphrase was on target. Only the Speaker knows what the intended message was. If the paraphrase was not quite on target, it is very important that the Speaker gently clarify or restate the point and not respond angrily or critically.

A key point: When in the Listener role, be sincere in your effort to show you are listening carefully and respectfully. Even when you disagree with the point being made by your partner, your goal is to show respect for and validation of his or her perspective. That means waiting your turn and not making faces or looking bored. Showing real respect and honor to one another is the goal. You can disagree completely with your mate on a matter and still show respect. In fact, we are told in scripture to show respect no matter what (See: 1 Peter 2:17). Just wait until you have the floor to make your points.

Two more points—first, when using the Speaker-Listener Technique, it is important to stay on the topic you mean to discuss. Many issues in marriage can become involved in one conversation, but you’ll do better on important matters if you try to stay on the issues at hand. Also, don’t try to problem solve prematurely. Focus on having a good discussion where you can get the issues on the table.

Advantages of Using the Speaker-Listener Technique:

The Speaker-Listener Technique has many advantages over unstructured conversation when discussing difficult issues. Most important is the way it counteracts the destructive styles of communication. This is crucial. It’s not that this technique is the be-all-and-end-all of good communication. It’s just one very simple way to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” and thereby limit the damage that patterns such as the danger signs can cause.

In fact, we do meet couples who try this and do not like it. We don’t get defensive about it or push it, we simply say to them, “That’s fine, as long as you have some other way to have respectful, good conversations on difficult issues. If you can do that, you don’t need this technique.”

You may be thinking, “This sure is artificial.” Agreed. In fact, that’s the key reason it is so effective. The truth is, what comes naturally to couples when difficult issues come up is often destructive and quite the opposite from being “quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”

Again, James shows his tendency toward purifying bluntness. “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless” (James 1:26).

This technique is designed to help couples keep a tight rein on their tongues. That’s why it works. When you choose to use it, you are making the choice to limit the defensive responses that come naturally and to submit yourself to a more caring, disciplined approach to understanding your mate. You are unleashing your ears and reining in your tongue. Keep in mind that although these rules are simple, simple does not always mean easy. Structure can make it easier, but sometimes it just takes hard work to communicate well.

The above article was edited from the very helpful book, A Lasting Promise… A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage, by Scott Stanley, Daniel Trathen, Savanna McCain, and Milt Bryan, published by Jossey-Bass Publishers.

There was so much additional helpful information concerning the Speaker-Listener Technique (plus other useful marriage material) that we weren’t able to include in this article. You could really benefit from reading this book if you’re able to obtain a copy for yourself. In it you’ll find additional illustrations, practical examples, and important points.

This book gives many powerful and practical principles which are solidly based on Scripture with a blending of university research as to what leads to marriages that fail and what leads to marriages that thrive. Also, A Lasting Promise is focused on practical action. Unlike many books that are more theoretical or insight-oriented, this one is designed to provide a rich resource of the many thigns you can do to protect your marriage and make it better. Not only that but the things they encourage you to do have been shown in research, to make a difference for many couples. They give solid tools you can use to make your marriage stronger, happier, and lifelong to equip you to develop the full promise of your marriage.

Maybe you think you already know. So would you like to test your knowledge (or lack of knowledge) about this?

We discovered an on-line brain-teaser quiz put together by James E. Sheridan that centers around that very subject. Are you willing to take it?

If you are, we’ll take you to the web site of Marriage Done Right.com and you can test your knowledge. To do so, please click on the link below:

SO YOU KNOW WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT MARRIAGE?

-ALSO-

There is another simple quiz posted on the Christian Marriage Today web site that will further test your knowledge on marriage. Are you willing to go one more round in finding out what the Bible says about marriage? If so, please click onto the link provided below:

• THE ULTIMATE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE TEST

When you’re done with the Tests:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

Do you need a “jump-start” as to some things you can discuss together that doesn’t involve the children or problems? Would you like some things to discuss that will put a positive spin on your time together so you feel more connected?

There are different communication starter resources out there that can help you with that. Actually my husband Steve and I have used some of these tools and have agreed that some of our nicest conversation times have been when we’ve used these kinds of tools. Not all of us are as creative in thinking about different things to talk about (other than talking about the children and work and problems).

So, with that said, we want to provide a link to an article that will help you with conversation starters. You won’t (and shouldn’t) try to ask all of the questions at one sitting unless you want to have a marathon talking time together (which most couples wouldn’t enjoy). You can make a time to be together and agree to ask 3 or so questions to each other and save the rest for other times.

Don’t think about them as “questions” as if you were taking a test or something, but rather a discovery and connection time together. Even if you’ve been married 40 years or so, you’ll be amazed at some of the things you’ll find out about each other.

For the list of questions, click onto the link below (you may even want to make a copy of them so you can have them for the next several times you spend this kind of time together):

LIFT LINES

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

The most difficult part of talking often is simply getting started. You will find a list of 100 Conversation Starters below. One of the best ways to use this list is to cut the topics apart and put them in a fish bowl. When you have set aside time to talk, or when you just happen to have a little extra time, one of you draws a topic out of the fish bowl and the discussion begins.

Both of you address the topic before drawing out the next one. The assignment is a fun way not only to get the conversations going, but also to learn some things about your souse you may never have known before. The more you know about a person, the more intimate the relationship becomes. Feel free to add in some topics of your own as well.

[Marriage Missions Editors Note: You can even use these for your 22 minute Date Night — which you can also read about in the Communication section of our web site.]

• Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years?

• Describe your most romantic evening.

• If money were no issue where would you like to travel?

• If the house caught on fire and all your family were safe and you had time to save 5 things, what 5 things would you save?

• If you inherited $100,000, what would you do with it?

• What would be the first thing you would buy if you won the lottery?

• What is your biggest regret?

• What was your most embarrassing moment?

• Describe a perfect evening.

• How would you define love?

• Tell me about a special childhood memory.

• What was your favorite Christmas and why?

• What did your parents teach you about marriage?

• Share a sad memory with me.

• What things are you looking forward to this week, month, and year?

• What do you like most about your job?

• Tell me about your talents.

• Tell me something you are afraid of.

• How would you like to spend a day alone?

• Plan the perfect date.

• If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Why?

• What do you like best about yourself?

• What do you like best abut me? Why?

• What is one of your favorite memories about us?

• What do you remember most about our dating?

• What do you remember most about our wedding or honeymoon?

• What could I do to please you more sexually?

• If you could be any animal, what would you be? Why?

• How would you like to see the household responsibilities divided?

• What do you think heaven will be like?

• Tell me about your salvation experience.

• Tell me about a spiritual high point in your life.

• What is the best advice you ever received?

• If you could have three wishes, what would they be?

• How can I show you that I love you?

• Tell me about a time when God answered a prayer.

• What makes you laugh?

• Tell me your favorite joke.

• What was your favorite grade in school? Why?

• How often would you like to make love?

• Is there a difference between making love and sex? Explain.

• Share a fantasy with me.

• What advice would you give a friend about to get married?

• Would you rather vacation in the mountains, at the ocean, or a big city? Why?

• What was your favorite fairy tale growing up?

• What kind of movies do you enjoy?

• Would you rather spend a quiet evening with just the two of us; with one other couple; or, at a social gathering of several couples? Why?

• Would you rather be smart, beautiful, or famous? Explain.

• When was the last time you cried?

• If there had never been original sin, what do you think the world would be like?

• After salvation, what do you pray for most for our children?

• If you could have picked anyone in the world to be your parents, who would you have picked?

• Where would you like to live?

• What do we want to teach our children about marriage?

• Do you think we fight fair?

• How could we improve our conflict resolution skills?

• What would you consider to be your top five priorities in life?

• What do you think my top five priorities are?

• What are you feeling right now?

• What are you thinking about right now?

• What does intimacy mean?

• What strengths do you see in me?

• What expectations did you have coming into marriage?

• Which marital expectations were met and which were not met?

• What would we do if TV were out of order for one week?

• How did you decide on your career?

• What is the best part of our relationship currently?

• What is romance?

• Do you see me as a better giver or receiver? Explain.

• What is your favorite recreational activity?

• What is something we have never done together that you would like us to try?

• What size box does the “perfect gift” come in? What would be inside?

• List five of your “favorites.”

• Describe your dream house.

• If for one day you could be anyone who ever lived, who would you choose?

• What’s your most memorable childhood experience?

• Would you rather travel by car, plane, boat, or train? Why?

• What question would you like to ask God once you are in heaven?

• What one experience would you like to be sure to have before you die?

• What’s the craziest thing you have ever done in public?

• If you could choose any career what would you be?

• How can I make love to you without intercourse?

• If you could spend a day with anyone who ever lived, who would you choose? Why?

• Who would you like to visit once in heaven?

• What “impossible” experience would you like to have?

• What is a recreational activity that you have never tried but would like to?

• Tell me two things you “want” from me and two things you “need” from me.

• If you could have lived in any time period, which would you have picked?

• Who has been the biggest positive influence in your life? Explain.

• Tell me about your first date.

• Where is the most adventurous place you would consider making love?

• What was the happiest time of your life?

• If you were a writer what would you write?

• If you could trade lives with someone for a week, who would you trade with, and why?

• What is the hardest thing for you to understand about the opposite sex?

• What is your favorite movie and why?

• What do you worry about?

• Name three things I used to do for you that you enjoyed that I have not done for a while.

The above article is adapted from the book, Discovering the Treasure of Marriage, by Debbie L. Cherry, PhD, published by Life Journey (an imprint of Cook Communications Ministries, Inc). This book isn’t really about communication questions. That was just one of the many practical tools that is provided. As Debbie says of her book,

“This book is based on the basic biblical principal of ‘treasuring’ and will teach you how to apply this principal in all aspects of your marriage. Once you begin to understand the process of falling in and out of love, you will understand that by applying this simple wisdom from Scripture you can remain in love until death parts you. God knew we would make marriage harder than He intended it to be, and that we would put much more emphasis on the emotions than He planned. That’s why He gave us wisdom and guidance throughout His Word, and why He taught us the importance of treasuring our marriages.”

Several years ago McCall’s Magazine tried out an experiment with couples who were happily married, but they needed a boost in their relationship. It was what they called a “Relationship Makeover.” The experiment was a great success!

In this experiment:

The couples agreed to take the time they might have spent watching one television sitcom a day (which comes out to 22 minutes without commercials) and talk. During this time:

• They were to make eye contact and converse …

• There was to be no children in the room (it’s best to wait until they’re in bed) …

• There was to be no radio in the background …

… and of course, no television!

• There was to be no dinner and no dinner dishes …

• They were told to turn on the answering machine …

• They were to focus on what’s positive in their lives …

• This wasn’t to be a time to bring up past hurts.

• They were to do this for one month.

The couples admitted that it was a more rewarding time than they’d ever have dreamed possible!

They said that at first it was a bit awkward and they found themselves looking at the clock a lot, but after a while they were able to enjoy their time together like when they were dating.

It’s worth the time invested to see how this can build your own relationship!
We challenge you to try it for a month!

If you’re truly stumped about to what to talk about here are a few suggestions:

• Go into one of the sections of our web site and print up the document that contains “Thoughts” on that subject. Each date night choose a few of those quotes to discuss. Each of you will state whether you agree or disagree with the quote that was read and why you believe this way. The point is to talk to each other and learn each other’s veiw points.

• In the “Communication Tools” section click onto “Fishbowl Conversations” and print it out so you can spend time each night taking turns answering a few of the questions.

• In the “Communication Tools” section, click onto “Communication Questions to Take Your Marriage to Higher Levels” to print up and take turns asking each other a few questions each night.

• Take the quiz in the “Communication Tools” section together titled, “QUIZ: So You Know What the Bible Says About Marriage?”

• Go into the Resources part of the “Communication and Conflict” section to find Resources listed that you can purchase to help you in your conversation time with each other.

First, pray and ask God for His guiding wisdom. The Bible says in James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

And then ask yourself the following questions with a heart open to receive the discernment you have asked for:

1. The MISSION question: Does this decision support my life mission?

2. The VISION question: Will this decision move me toward a life goal or toward solving a problem?

3. The INTEGRITY question: Will this decision affect any commitment or vow I have made?

4. God’s REVEALED WORD question: Does the Bible speak to this decision or a potential consequence?

5. The COMMON SENSE question: Do the results of this decision make sense?

6. OTHERS FIRST question: How will others be affected by this decision?

7. The LEGAL question: Is it legal?

8. The COST question: What will this decision cost me?

9. The MOTIVE question: What do I get out of this decision?

10. The TIMING question: Is this the best time to make this decision?

11. The KNOWLEDGE question: Do I have enough information to make this decision?

12. The COMMITMENT question: Do I plan to commit to my decision?

The above questions were first presented on the Parent Talk-On Call radio program. Parent Talk is now called INTENTIONAL LIVING and is a nationally syndicated program heard on over 100 Christian radio stations every Monday-Friday at 4:06PM (ET) and Saturday’s at 11:06 AM (ET). To see other resources written by Dr. Carlson or to learn more about the Parent Talk ministry, visit their web site at www.theintentionallife.com. If INTENTIONAL LIVING is not heard in your area you can listen to the program on-line at the same web address.

Ask yourself the following:

• Have I asked for God’s help?

• Do I show my trust for God with every area of my life, not merely this decision?

• Am I operating on the basis of good reasons rather than changing feelings?

• Am I filling my mind with God’s Word so that my mind is being transformed?

• Are there biblical commands or principles that apply to my specific situation?

• What are the alternatives and consequences of each possible option? How do these fare when evaluated by what the Bible says?

• Do my abilities and weaknesses have a bearing on the decision? How?

• Will the outcome of this decision glorify God, build me up spiritually, and edify others?

• Have I sought out worthy advisers CHECKLIST?

• Have I carefully evaluated the advice, not merely accepted or rejected it?

• Is this decision a matter of my own freedom [and is this what God ultimately wants]?

• Do I have peace that my decision is right?

• Would waiting be profitable or detrimental?

• Am I determined to obey and please God?

And lastly, a few comments that we at Marriage Missions would like to add:

Make sure that whatever decision you make does not contradict scripture. Sometimes we will rationalize a type of “peace of mind ” that God loves us too much to want us in a certain situation. We rationalize in our human minds that “a loving God would not want me to be unhappy, therefore He would have me do things a different way.”

As a result of that, we feel a sense of peace of mind that the conclusion we’ve come to is the right one even though it contradicts God’s word. God doesn’t talk in the Bible about His ultimate good for us being happiness — but perfecting us into the character of Jesus.

God doesn’t tell everyone else through the Bible to do things one way but bends them for you. That is projecting upon God what we want to think rather than what He really says to be true.

So make sure that the decision you have made doesn’t contradict what the Bible says — otherwise you’ve been deceived and need to pray more about it. The decisions you make need to be wise in the Lord. You want to lean upon the Lord’s understanding— not your own. The Bible says in Proverbs 3:5-6:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight.”

The above check list was written by Dr Steve Dowdle who is a Counseling Pastor with Casas Adobes Baptist Church located in Tucson, Arizona in the USA.

One Christmas, we flew from Los Angeles to Chicago to be with our families for the holidays. The first night was at my (Leslie’s) house. As was my family’s custom, I woke up early in the morning to squeeze in every possible minute with my family. Les, on the other hand, slept in.

I interpreted Les’s sleeping as avoidance and rejection and felt he did not value time with my family. “It’s embarrassing to me,” I told Les. “Everyone is up and eating in the kitchen. Don’t you want to be with us?”

Les, on the other hand, didn’t understand my intensity. “What did I do? I’m just catching up from jet lag. I’ll come down after my shower,” he said. As I found out later, Les expected a slower, easier pace during the holidays, because that’s the way it was at his house.

In this incident, Les had broken a rule he didn’t know existed, and I discovered a rule I had never put into words. Both of us felt misunderstood and frustrated. We both had our own ideas about what was acceptable, and it never occurred to either of us that our expectations would be so different. Each of us became irritated by the other’s unspoken expectations and frustrated that the other did not live by the same rules.

Since that first Christmas we have learned to discuss our secret expectations and make our silent rules known. We have also helped the couples we counsel to become more aware of their own unspoken rules, to keep little problems from becoming big ones. Here is a sampling of the rules we have heard from other couples:

• Don’t interrupt another’s work.
• Don’t ask for help unless you are desperate.
• Downplay your successes.
• Don’t talk about money in public.
• Never call attention to yourself.
• Don’t volunteer to help.
• Don’t work too long or too hard.
• Don’t get sick.
• Never raise your voice.
• Don’t talk about your body.
• Don’t show up late.
• Clean the kitchen before you go to bed.
• Don’t talk about your feelings.
• Don’t drive fast.
• Never buy dessert at a restaurant.
• Don’t be too serious abut anything.
• Don’t buy expensive gifts.

Are you walking through a marital minefield of unspoken rules? The exercise Your Personal Ten Commandments can help you heighten your awareness of your unspoken rules and thus avoid needless explosions. It will help you recognize that you are free to accept, reject, challenge, and change the rules for the sake of your relationship.

Exercise: Your Personal Ten Commandments. This exercise is designed to help you uncover some of your “unspoken rules.” It will take about 15 to 20 minutes. Try to articulate some of the “unspoken rules” you grew up with. Take your time to think it over.

These rules are generally so ingrained that we are rarely aware of them. Once both of you have articulated your “personal 10 commandments,” share them with each other. Are there rules you would like to change? Take a moment to discuss how unspoken rules might affect your marriage.

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Anytime you have a fight or disagreement, ask yourself: “Is this fight a result of one of us breaking an unspoken rule?” If so, add that rule to your list, and discuss with your spouse how you will handle that situation in the future.

The above article is excerpted from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, published by Zondervan Publishing House, www.zondervan.com, as well as other related material from the Parrott’s. This book is based on the fact that marriage doesn’t have to be a gamble.

As psychologist (Les) and marriage and family therapist (Leslie) who counsel hundreds of married couples, they have “learned that living happily ever after is less a mystery than a mastery of certain skills. Although married life will always have its difficulties, you will steadily and dramatically improve your relationship by mastering certain life skills.”

This book “cuts to the heart of every marital conflict. Whether single and dating, in a committed relationship, contemplating marriage, or already ensconced in one, this book will help you learn the skills you’ll need for a lasting and happy life together-before unhappiness sets in.” They’ve also written two workbooks as companions to this book, one for the man and one for the woman. “The twenty-one self-tests in the workbooks will help you and your partner put into action what is taught in this book. As an additional help, they have provided questions for reflection at the end of each chapter that are suitable as discussion starters for couples or small groups.

Finally, if you would like to bring this program to your church or small group setting, a video curriculum is available, also entitled, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.