It is what the psychologists call “cutting the psychological apron strings.” No longer does the individual lean on his parents, but rather on his mate. If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents is, however, extremely important. No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.

What does this principle mean in the practical realm? I believe that it suggests separate living arrangements for the newly married couple. While living with parents, the couple cannot develop independence as readily as when living alone. The dependency on parents is enhanced as long as they live with parents.

Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents. Parents should encourage such independence, and the ability to provide such living accommodations should be a factor in setting the wedding date.

The principle of “leaving” parents is also important in decision making. Your parents may have suggestions about many aspects of your married life. Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but, in the final analysis, you must make your own decision. You should no longer make decisions on the basis of what would make parents happy but on the basis of what would make your partner happy. Under God, you are a new unit, brought together by His Spirit to live for each other (Philippians 2:3-4).

This means that the time may come when a husband must sit down with his mother and say, “Mom, you know that I love you very much, but you also know that I am now married. I cannot break up my marriage in order to do what you desire. I love you, and I want to help you, but I must do what I believe is right for my wife and me. I hope you understand because I want to continue the warm relationship that we have had through the years. But if you do not understand, then that is a problem you must work through. I must give myself to the building of my marriage.”

…The principle of separation from parents also has implications when conflict arises in marriage. A young wife who has always leaned heavily on her mother will have a tendency to “run to mother” when problems arise in the marriage. The next day her husband recognizes that he was wrong, asks forgiveness, and harmony is restored. The daughter fails to tell her mother this. The next time a conflict arises she again confides in Mom. This becomes a pattern, and before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward the son-in-law and is encouraging the daughter to separate from him. The daughter has been very unfair to her husband and has failed to follow the principle of “leaving” parents.

If you have conflicts in your marriage (and most of us do), seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your mate. Conflict should be a stepping-stone to growth. If you find that you need outside help, then go to your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor. They are trained and equipped by God to give practical help. They can be objective and give biblical guidelines. Parents find it almost impossible to be objective.

Honoring Parents

The second principle relating to our relationship with parents is found in Exodus 20:12 and is one of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It is repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2.

The command to honor our parents has never been rescinded. As long as they live, it is right to honor them. In Ephesians 6:1, Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience to parents is the guideline from birth to marriage. Paul’s second statement is, “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (vs. 2-3). Honor to parents is the guideline from birth to death. Honor was the original command and stands forever.

The word honor means “to show respect.” It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they are made in the image of God, they are worthy of honor. You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions. It is always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner. “Leaving” parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.

How is this honor expressed in daily life? You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, telephoning, and writing, whereby you communicate to them that you still love them and want to share life with them. “Leaving” must never be interpreted as “deserting.” Regular contact is essential to honoring parents. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, in effect, “I no longer care.”

A further word is necessary regarding communication with parents. Equal treatment of both sets of parents must be maintained. Remember, “For God does not show favoritism” (Romans 2:11). We must follow His example. In practice, this means that our letters, telephone calls, and visits must indicate our commitment to the principle of equality. If one set of parents is phoned once a month, then the other set should be phoned once a month. If one receives a letter once a week, then the other should receive the same. The couple should also seek to be equitable in visits, dinners, and vacations.

Perhaps the stickiest situations arise around holidays—Thanksgiving and Christmas. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner. That may be possible if they live in the same town, but when they are five hundred miles apart, it becomes impossible. The solution must be based on the principle of equality. This may mean Christmas with one set of parents one year and with the other the following year.

To “honor” implies also that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were father” (1 Timothy 5:1). We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).

The command of Ephesians 4:31-32 must be taken seriously in our relationship with parents: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

A further implication of honor to parents is described in 1 Timothy 5:4: “But if a widow has children and grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”

When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Timothy 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.

If I could make some other practical suggestions, I would advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Do not feel that it is your task to change them. If they are not Christians, certainly you will want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but do not try to fit them into your mold. You are expecting them to give you independence to develop your own marriage. Give them the same.

Do not criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, you should point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor.

The Bible gives some beautiful examples of wholesome relationships between individuals and their in-laws. Moses had such a wholesome relationship with Jethro, his father-in-law, that, when he informed him of God’s call to leave Midian and lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Jethro said, “Go, and I wish you well” (Exodus 4:18). Later on, after the success of Moses’ venture, his father-in-law came to see him.

“So Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. They greeted each other and then went into the tent” (Exodus 18:7). It was on this visit that Jethro gave Moses the advice that we discussed earlier. His openness to his father-in-law’s suggestion shows something of the nature of their relationship.

Ruth and Naomi serve as an example of the devotion of a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law after the death of both husbands. Jesus directed one of His miracles to the mother-in-law of Peter, and she in turn ministered to Jesus (Matthew 8:14-15).

Freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. The train of God’s will for marriage must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.

The above article comes from the book, Toward a Growing Marriage, by Dr Gary Chapman, published by Moody Press www.moodypublishers.com. This book is divided into two sections: Premarital Growth and Marital Growth. The first section is designed for people who are in the process of becoming the kind of persons who will be “fitting,” or “suitable,” marriage partners. The second section speaks to those couples who have already said “I do” and are now trying to fulfill that commitment.

“Leaving your home does not mean you permanently withdraw and no longer have a good relationship with your parents. That’s isolating yourself from your parents, not leaving. The commandment in Exodus 20:12 to honor your parents means that when you leave them, you need to go with respect, love, admiration, and affirmation for their sacrifices and efforts in raising you.

“But you must make a break from them and sever your dependence on them. As time passes, you must be diligent to prevent any reestablishment of dependence at critical points in your marriage.” (Dennis and Barbara Rainey)

That isn’t always easy because some parents still feel like their “children” (even though their “children” are adults) should still put them first. Sometimes parents even try to re-establish their authority and/or connection in a way that undermines the new marriage. And that can bring major problems to this newer family unit.

And some “children” don’t really want to cause problems if there is some kind of tension between their parents and their new spouse so they either “look the other way” and figure their spouse will just have to work things out on their own, or they forget where their allegiance is now supposed to be now that they’re married.

So, how does this new couple “leave and cleave” in a respectful way?

To help with this issue, we are providing below a link to the web site of the ministry of Family Life Today which has an article posted that might give you guidance that could help.

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• RESPECTFULLY LEAVING YOUR PARENTS

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For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, and the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24-25)

Dennis Rainey: Today we want to look at the whole aspect of how you leave father and mother to establish this new union. And at the outset I want to say there is a lot of emotionally deep water around this subject of leaving your father and mother to establish a new marriage relationship.

Bob Lepine: I was reading recently in Dr. Dan Allender’s book, “Intimate Allies,” and he made the statement that, in his experience, he could trace 90% of marital discord back to a failure to leave.

Dennis: And most couples don’t think they’ve failed to leave, yet if they could see what is trailing behind them as they walk out the church, they’d see “apron strings” still tied to a man and a woman by their parents; by people who love them, who care about them, but who simply don’t know how to let them leave. And it’s awkward because there is a new union formed there, a new relationship that is an entity, and it’s supposed to be. It’s supposed to be a couple who are one, who are in the process of forging a marriage relationship.

I was reading in Tim Kimmel’s book, “Powerful Personalities,” describing different personality types and how different people try to control others through aggressive or passive behavior and how we can manipulate each other. A young couple that is really not prepared properly to establish this new marriage relationship — if they’re not careful, will be controlled by either his parents or her parents or find themselves in between two sets of parents trying to establish this relationship. The word “leave” from the biblical text means to “forsake dependence upon.” It means to turn your allegiance away from your parents toward your spouse.

We do that in such a way that honors our parents but that sends a clear signal that this is a new relationship that must be established. Sometimes parents don’t realize that this command in Genesis, chapter 2, verse 24 is as much a command to the parents as it is to the couple who are getting married. It’s the wise parents that can understand the dynamics that a young couple is under as they try to forge the identity of a new marriage in the midst of two competing families.

Bob: It’s one thing for parents to understand what they’re supposed to do, it’s another thing for parents to process that emotionally and make that switch.

Dennis: It’s hard to turn your back on the emotional giving, sharing, and development that you’ve poured into this daughter or this son’s life to encourage them to leave. It doesn’t mean you lose the relationship, though. It means, in essence, you get one back that’s different, that has different parameters. You shouldn’t be controlling them as a young adult, anyway.

A lot of parents need to realize you need to let your son or daughter grow up. Let them become a mature adult and relate to them more as a peer and less as a child. But some of our parents simply can’t get beyond that because, frankly, in some situations, we represent the only real living relationship that our parents have. They don’t have a vital marriage, and the only real relationships they have are with their children, and they simply can’t or won’t allow them to leave.

Bob: You said that most of us would think that we have left, and we may not have really left. You defined leaving as “forsaking dependence upon.” How can I run a test to see whether I’ve done the leaving that I’m supposed to have done?

Dennis: There are three areas you can run a test on to see how you’ve done in leaving your father and mother. The first one is emotional — have you left your parents’ emotional control of your life? Are you still looking to them for support, for encouragement, and for their approval?

I remember, in my immaturity again as a young man, simply sharing with my mom a mistake that Barbara had made in our marriage. It was a minor mistake. Barbara had hurt me, but I shared it with my mom, and it was as though I had shared this grievous error, because my mother came running over to me. And although she didn’t say these words verbally, what I felt was, “I knew that she couldn’t be the woman that you really needed as my son.”

Bob: “She wouldn’t take care of you the way I have.”

Dennis: Yeah, that was what she was essentially saying and, obviously, my mom had practice. I was almost 25 years old, so she had 24 years practice caring for me as her son. But what she was doing was rushing in to care for me, and in future conversations with my mom, the mistake that Barbara made would be brought up by her. I learned a very valuable lesson — be very careful, as a couple, of what you share with your parents of how your spouse has disappointed you or hurt you. Your parents don’t have near the grace to give your spouse that you have. You’re their son or their daughter that they will naturally move to protect. They’ve been trained to do that for years.

I don’t condemn my mom for her protective instincts. I just recognize that they’re there. But I realized at that point I couldn’t share those disappointments with my mom. It would simply play to a weakness in her life, and set Barbara up to be a failure in my mom’s eyes.

Bob: So you’re saying that in this idea of leaving emotionally, we’ve got to be on guard against a natural tendency our parents will have to continue to try to be our parents.

Dennis: Yes, and if your parents are trying to manipulate you emotionally, what you have to do is ask your spouse to help you get beyond this. Build some boundaries around your lives, around the holidays, determine how long you’re going to go and when you’re going to go and whose house you’re going to go to for that first Christmas or that second Christmas or successive Christmases. Use the marriage relationship that God has given you to protect one another from being manipulated or being taken advantage of or from emotionally being clobbered by parents.

I think your spouse ought to be that person you cleave to and depend upon to really help you get free of your parents and establish your own identity as a couple.

Bob: Okay, we have to see if we have left emotionally — are there other areas?

Dennis: I think the financial area is one where parents can try to exert power or control over us . I remember early in our marriage, I had invested some money in a small land deal. It was a small amount of money for me, as a single man, but it was an investment. It turned over and sold real quickly, and I made a nice little profit. So I thought, “Hey, I think I’ll put the profits in another investment.” So after we had gotten married, Barbara and I together decided we’d invest in a second investment. And just as the first investment had been really good, this investment was equally bad — and we lost it all.

At that point, the temptation was to call daddy. Now, I use the word “daddy” there specifically because it wasn’t calling “Dad.” It would be calling “Daddy.” For me this situation became an opportunity to squarely face my obligations as a young man with a wife. If I’d made a dumb choice and a bad investment I needed to bear the loss that came with that.

In a very unusual way, I feel like that choice to take my losses and not run home to my dad to bail us out as a couple was a very important step in becoming financially independent and becoming responsible as a man, to provide for my wife and be responsible for my own financial decisions. Now, I’m not saying it would be wrong to ask parents to help you out in a situation.

It turned out, later on, that my dad ended up giving us some money to help us with a down payment on our first home. But that felt different, getting that down payment, than what I would have felt if I had gone home to dad and asked him to bail us out of a difficult situation. I think what happens today with many young couples is they’re trying to live on a higher level than they ought to be living. They’re going home to mom or dad to bail them out of a situation. And it’s creating a dependence upon parents, because where money goes, there can be — not every time— but there can be control, manipulation, and there can be a payback.

It’s interesting that when my dad did help us with the house, later on, I felt absolutely no control by him or by my mom, even though they did help us establish that first home. Here is the wisdom for parents, who are listening — if you do help your kids financially, make sure you’re doing it in such a way that it doesn’t exert control or influence, and it really divides this couple who were meant to be cleaving toward one another.

Bob: How can I tell whether an offer of financial help from parents is coming with strings attached or not?

Dennis: I’d look at the track record of the parents. Do they have a track record of using other things in your life to control you, manipulate you, or seek power over you? If they have, I wouldn’t accept money.

Bob: But if we’re looking at the down payment on a house, and really want to be in the house.

Dennis: There is no house worth the emotional cost that you’re going to have to pay. It really isn’t worth it. Leaving and cleaving needs to be away from your parents—cleaving to your spouse. If you allow money to control you, you’re going to be pulled back when you need to be stepping forward towards your spouse.

Bob: We’ve talked about emotionally leaving, we’ve talked about financially leaving — is there another area?

Dennis: Yes, decision-making, and this could include the spiritual dimension of life as well-just getting advice from parents. Parents need to give advice, and I think we need to go back to them for counsel and for wisdom, but the decision needs to be yours as a couple. You need to share the weight of that decision praying together and making your decision as a couple.

That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t do what they say, necessarily. It just means that you can’t give them power over your lives at that point. Illustration in point — I know a grown man who is stuck in a spiritually dead church. He takes his entire family there every Sunday. He has been going there for 15 years with his kids. His kids are now teenagers. Just down the road there is a church that preaches the word of God and it’s got a great youth group. Do you know who is really controlling this decision — both sets of parents.

Both of those parents go to that church, and they are keeping them in this liberal church, and this guy will not assume the responsibility that he has to lead his family spiritually by taking them to a place where they’ll be nurtured; where they will receive spiritual encouragement to grow. And you know what? It’s going to cost him, and it’s going to cost him big time in his family as his children move on to maturity.

Bob: You talk a lot about the concept of honoring our parents. I’m sure for this man the idea of moving on to another church feels like it would be bringing great dishonor on both sets of parents.

Dennis: This is taking place in a small community, so the pressure is intense. The whole town would know if this man moved his family from that church. But, at that point, you’ve got to look at that man and say, “Do what’s spiritually best for your wife and your family.” In this particular situation, everyone in his family wants to make the move to the other church, but he’s afraid of what it will cost him. He needs to be a man of conviction. He needs to lead his family spiritually.

Bob: It might help if he would read Tim Kimmel’s book on how to deal with powerful personalities, because it sounds like that’s one of the things that’s going on here. He’s got parents who are working to subtly control him in this situation.

In fact, Dr. Dan Allender’s book, Intimate Allies, would be another great resource for him, because in that book Dan talks about the importance of leaving father and mother and about some of the subtle tendencies there can be on the part of parents to continue to try to control us, even after we’re married.

Dennis: I’ve got three quick thoughts for you as you evaluate as a couple what you’ve done in leaving your father and mother. First of all, I’d encourage you to discuss, as a couple, have you left? Each of you — have you left emotionally, financially, and for direction or decision-making? Secondly, if you’ve got some problems there, I’d encourage you to pray together, as a couple, for a solution. And, third, honor your parents but take action. Set a course for your marriage and take control of the future by making some decisions that will create health and spiritual vitality in your marriage.

LEAVING —Broadcast Date: 08/26/04

Bob: The Bible says when a man and a woman are getting married, they are to leave father and mother. But what happens if Mom and Dad don’t want you to leave?

Dennis: You can’t make that decision for your parents. You can’t force them to let you leave. All you can do is leave. Leave your need for approval from them and turn to your spouse and let that person be the one that you cleave to and commit to, to experience approval and appreciation and encouragement that God intended in the marriage relationship.

Many times I’ve used the illustration of the husband having a set of blueprints and the wife having a set of blueprints, and the problem when their blueprints only overlap at points. If a husband and a wife both have the same set of blueprints, and they’re both coming at their marriage relationship from the Scripture, they’re going to be building their marriage as God designed it. Genesis, chapter 2 gives us the panoramic view of the marriage relationship from God’s perspective. In verses 24 and 25 He says, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed.”

I believe virtually every marital problem can be traced to a failure to leave, a failure to cleave, or a failure to really cultivate that oneness of flesh. If we really understand these blueprints in the Book of Genesis, it will help us, as a couple, have our marriage set in the right direction.

Bob: Couples will often say, “Our problem is” — and then they’ll go on to list whatever the issue that they’re dealing with is. I oftentimes say, “No, your symptom is communication,” or your symptom is finances. I point them back to Genesis and say, “Your problem is either a failure to leave, a failure to cleave, or a failure to really establish the oneness in a marriage relationship.”

Dennis: That’s right, and in Genesis, chapter 2, verse 24, it talks about a cause. God wants a man and a woman to become one. It’s the marriage relationship. That’s the cause that causes him to leave his father and his mother. The word “leave” here means to “forsake dependence upon.” It means that we no longer look to our parents for approval, for support, or for encouragement. We leave one sphere of influence and move to another sphere of influence.

Bob: Let’s assume that some of our listeners are headed toward the altar this year. What can they be doing now to prepare to leave?

Dennis: I think they are in an enviable position of being able to establish the leaving to occur in the right way. They can begin to spend time with their parents and let them know that although they’re leaving them to establish this new union, they still are going to be their son or daughter, and they want a relationship. But they can send signals to the parents to let them know that their allegiance is switching, that they’re going to be committed to this new person that they are making a covenant with in the marriage ceremony.

Parents need their sons and daughters to help them in this process. It’s difficult. Emotionally, parents don’t want to give up the investment that’s taken place over 18 or more years. It’s the wise person who can understand those dynamics and maybe even talk about it with their mom or dad. Let them know that you know it may be a struggle.

It may be that the son or daughter is the only real relationship they have. They may not have any other relationships. They may be in a dead marriage. They may not be alive spiritually. They may not be plugged into a good church where they have their relationship needs met by other Christians. And so for them to say goodbye to a son or daughter who is getting married, is to cut themselves off from a living hope. It’s at that point that we need to give our parents a gift of compassion. It’s the gift of looking at your parents through the eyes of Christ. How can I so minister to them and encourage them that it will make this process of leaving palatable for all concerned?

Bob: You’re saying that a young man or a young woman who is headed toward marriage would be wise to invest some time and emotional effort in beginning to prepare his parents for the idea that he’s leaving. That will help establish his marriage relationship in the early days?

Dennis: No question about it. If a young man has the wisdom to prepare his parents he will go a long way toward establishing a freedom and ability to establish a new marriage relationship when it occurs. In fact, if he will use these days leading up to the marriage ceremony, at the point when the couple do cleave, there will be a lot less problems in the first years of marriage as they decide where to go over the holidays and whose parents to go visit and how much time to spend at which parents’ house on vacation. And it will also help when parents overstep their bounds, or they’re moving back into control. If there is the relationship there, and it’s been established, then there can be the discussion about these matters without it becoming some kind of polarization.

Bob: Let’s assume that the wedding has already taken place, and it’s 5 years into the marriage, and couples are beginning to look at one another and saying, “Is this an issue for us? Maybe we haven’t done a good job of establishing our leaving from our parents.”

Dennis: I think the process really begins when you realize that you haven’t left, and you haven’t done it properly. If you recognize that that’s true, then at that point you can begin to take some steps that will breathe some health into your own marriage but also into your relationship with your parents.

Bob: And you’d recognize that by seeing that you are either emotionally dependent or financially dependent or still dependent in your decision-making on your mom or your dad?

Dennis: Yes, there are certain parents who are manipulators, who are controllers, and they have such a pattern of controlling that they simply can’t allow their child to leave. I was reading in Tim Kimmel’s book, “Powerful Personalities,” about three kinds of personality types. One is the aggressive controlling type; a second kind is a passive manipulator, and a third one is a combination of the two — a passive-aggressive controller. Tim really does a great job of explaining how you can have your life controlled by another person and how you can break free from that control.

The first step in dealing with this as a married couple is beginning by honoring your parents. I think any leaving of your parents, whether it be the wedding ceremony for a couple who is getting married where you would honor the parents during the ceremony, or whether it be a married couple who have been married five years, 10 years, or more, there are ways to leave your mother and father and still bring honor to them.

Let me read a portion from a story about a couple who recognized they had not fully left their parents and some steps they took to lead their parents but also do it within the context of honor.

“Dan and Rebecca had been married for more than 10 years before they wrote a tribute to honor Dan’s parents. Dan’s parents were controllers. They expected Dan and Rebecca to attend all family functions, even if it meant missing Rebecca’s family gatherings at Christmas. Dan couldn’t say no to his parents. After years of struggling, Dan and Rebecca concluded that they must do something to honor their parents and establish that Dan’s leaving had occurred.

They had a plaque made at a local trophy store. Engraved on the plaque were the words of affirmation for all Dan’s parents had done for him — a recognition that they had given to his life so that he could leave and cleave to his wife Rebecca. Dan used the opportunity of a tribute to discuss and carefully establish with his parents some boundaries that would prevent their control in the future. And it worked.”

You see what happened here? They couldn’t let him leave, so he left. And by writing a tribute, he did it with such honor, that it formalized the process of him leaving. And I recall in the letter how they had a time of interaction with them talking about the need for Dan to be able to cleave to his wife and meet some of her family’s needs as well.

The issue here is, as you return home with honor, you can use that opportunity to formalize the leaving that should have occurred at the wedding ceremony.

Bob: I’m sure some folks think it worked for Dan and Rebecca, I’m not sure it will work for me. Is there a guarantee on this idea?

Dennis: No, because parents are human, and the emotional bond with children is so powerful that you can’t make that decision for your parents. You can’t force them to let you leave. All you can do is leave. Leave your need for approval from them and turn to your spouse and let that person be the one that you cleave to and commit to experience that approval and appreciation and encouragement that God intended in the marriage relationship.

Bob: And if we try to do that without doing it in the context of honor, we send a message to our parents or our in-laws that we haven’t really grown up yet. So the first step for a couple is to make sure they’re leaving in the context of honor. What’s next?

Dennis: If you’re married to a spouse who gets controlled by his or her parents, then what you’ve got to do is step in there to protect them and really preserve their own individual integrity as they go back home. In other words, let’s say you take your wife home, and she has a mom who’s manipulative, and you watch this begin to occur. Within the context of honor, I think there are ways to step in there, put your arm around your wife, and perhaps pull her out of situations that may be inflammatory, where she may be losing it emotionally; take a walk, find opportunities to build space in the schedule so that perspective can be regained and so that the parents do not maintain control over their son or over their daughter. What you’ve got to do is take the action needed to really protect and just be a guardian of your spouse without putting your spouse’s parents down or dishonoring them.

Bob: That takes some courage, doesn’t it?

Dennis: It really does; sometimes tough situations demand dramatic measures and, as a man or as a wife, you may need to move in there and protect your spouse or confront a situation and protect the one that you’re committed to. And here is a real caution — be careful of turning against your spouse in front of your parents and siding with your parents against your spouse. That can create a feeling of disloyalty and of being a failure to leave and cleave to your spouse. What your spouse needs in those situations is to be publicly reaffirmed. And what I’d suggest, as a couple, is to talk about these issues, pray about them, and then ask the Lord what kind of steps need to be taken and go back home with an offensive game plan in place so that if a certain circumstance continues to occur, you know exactly what you’re going to do ahead of time.

The above transcripts are just a portion of two days worth of broadcasts which came from an eight day series entitled “Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage” with Dennis Rainey, co-hosted by Bob Lepine produced by Family Life Today. You will want to read the whole series on their web site. The following broadcast days focused on “Cleaving to Your Spouse” which is something worth getting ahold of. This is a marvelous series to listen to, or read from the transcripts, or purchase. It can be obtained through the terrific ministry of Family Life Today by visiting their web site at www.familylife.com.

In order to do that you go to their web site and on their Home page go down to the lower right side and click on “Past Broadcasts.” You then select the Program by clicking on the arrow and selecting “Family Life Today.” In the date click on the arrow and select the month of “August” then enter the date “25″ and the year “2004.” You then will be given the choices for the titles of the individual titles within the series, “Becoming One: God’s Blueprints for Marriage.” Whichever one you select will bring up choices to either listen to the broadcast, purchase the cassette or CD, or read the Transcript. The choice is up to you. We thank God for this ministry and pray God’s people will help them financially so they can continue to offer them to those of us who need the help to make our marriages and families healthy and strong in the Lord.

Q. My wife and I have had fifteen years of struggle over how much loyalty we should hold toward each other’s family. For example, during a recent discussion over a family problem, my wife said, “Why should we cater to you?” This alarms me because my wife explained her comment by saying, “You didn’t just marry me; you married my family.” I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can compete with her family much longer. She sees my attempts at getting us to be one as an attempt to take her totally away from her family. Can you help me with some answers?

A. This sounds like a very lonely and discouraging situation. Your question is a painful example of the need for quality pre-marital counseling. You have run head-first into core issues that could have been addressed by a competent counselor.

The good news is that there are some steps you can take that might make a positive difference.

It is true to say that you marry into your spouse’s family. It is flat-out wrong to say that you “marry” your spouse’s family. Genesis 2:24 tells us that marriage involves leaving your mother and father and cleaving to each other, not each other’s mother and father. The Bible never says that six people become one flesh. Only two people become one flesh.

It seems obvious that what you’ve done so far hasn’t helped. It’s a waste of time to obsess and ruminate on what you can’t change, what should be, what isn’t fair, or what she does or doesn’t deserve. Our question for you is what can you change? If she sees your attempts at “getting us to be one as an attempt to take her totally away from her family,” then it’s probable that you’ve been over-reacting.

Don’t try to compete with her family. Don’t tell her how wrong she is. Stop being problem-focused. It hasn’t helped. It won’t help. When what you’re doing doesn’t work, do something different.

Turn to I Corinthians 13 and read it from 3 or 4 different translations. Then write your own paraphrase of it and ask God for one thing you can take from that passage and apply to your relationship with your wife. Turn to Ephesians 5 and read what Paul tells us husbands to do.

Ask yourself, “What does it mean for me to nourish and cherish my wife?” Look at the many passages in the New Testament that address how we’re to treat one another,and pick one a week that you’ll apply to your marriage.

You have an unparalleled opportunity to show your wife what real love looks like. The kind of love she can trust in and rest on. With some prayer, the power of the Holy Spirit, the encouragement of friends and family, the support of your church community, and perhaps the wisdom of a professional counselor, you are free to choose to move from being controlled by the hopelessness of what you can’t change to the solution-based perspective of what, with God’s help, you can do.

The above article is one of the Q&A’s that was featured in “Couple Counsel” with Gary and Carrie Oliver in the April 2001 issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine. We can’t recommend this magazine highly enough! It’s an out-standing resource to help marriages in a positive way — one of the best you can obtain to help you in your Christian marriage. For a subscription to this magazine (and to look at other helpful marriage articles) you can go to their web site at www.marriagepartnership.com.

Gary J. Oliver, Th.M., Ph.D. is the author of numerous books and is executive director of the Center for Marriage and Family Studies and Professor of Psychology and Practical Theology at John Brown University in Siloam Springs, Arkansas. Sadly, Carrie Oliver died in July of 2007 from Cancer. She was a clinical therapist at the PeopleCARE Clinics, specializing in marriage and family and women’s issues, She was also a seminar leader and co-author, with Gary.

This whole situation is a particularly perplexing one because the Bible tells you that as a married couple, you are to leave your parents and cleave to each other as husband and wife (see: Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:7; and Ephesians 5:31). But when circumstances stare you in the face where you feel it is not possible to live separately from your in laws (parents), married life becomes more complicated.

How do you live out the Biblical principle to “leave and cleave” now that you are married, and yet live under the same roof in a peaceable manner with your parents (in laws)? You want to always love and “honor” your parents (in laws), because you know that is the right thing to do, but when they don’t make it easy, how do you do it?

To be quite honest, we don’t know. This may be an almost impossible situation! And yet the Bible says that with God nothing is impossible! So if there isn’t any other choice you can make in this matter, there must be a way to make this work. It may not be as peaceable or as comfortable as you want it to be, but with God’s help, you can do it.

The Bible warns us of the various tribulations we will encounter in this life. Even in married life we are told “those who marry will face many troubles in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28). Living with your parents (in laws), may be a tribulation or a “trouble” that you will need to work through with the Lord’s guidance, and strength. This could be an “iron sharpening iron” situation that the Bible talks about (Proverbs 27:17) where you have the opportunity to allow the Lord to bring out His character within you as circumstances and people rub you in a way that causes sparks. Follow the rules for Holy living that you can read in Colossians 3.

It’s true that the ideal may seem to be that you and your in laws (parents) live in separate households. But the ideal isn’t always possible. So after you have prayed, if you see that things aren’t going to change at this time, the next wisest choice is to make the best of the circumstances you are in, rather wasting energy on complaining or wishing for that which you cannot change at this point in time. There is a time to say something and there is also a time to be quiet and let God say it. (See Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.) Other times God tells us to “be content in the circumstances we find ourselves.” (See Philippians 4:12-13.) And this may be what you are facing at this time. Ask God to show you what you are to do in this season of your life.

Keep in mind that you and your spouse can still “leave” your parents in your mindset and in your attitudes — finding ways to cleave together, even if you can’t live apart from your family in your living circumstances. You just have to be more cleaver in how you make this happen — firmly placing the boundaries that are possible. The Lord can show you how to do this.

You may even have a spouse that doesn’t fully join with you in working through this situation in a “cleaving” type of way. And that is most certainly perplexing and sad because this is definitely not how God intended for marriage to work! Our hearts go out to you. But don’t give up. God is with you as you reach out to Him for help. Cry out your circumstances to Him and ask Him for continual guidance as to how to make the best of a situation that seems to be the worst!

And don’t give up if you pray and God is silent for a period of time. His silence will not be forever. It’s not that He doesn’t hear you, but there are reasons for His silence that you need to accept. He is God and His ways are not your ways. God tells us in the Bible, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9). “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways’ declares the LORD” (Isaiah 55:8).

If you are wondering why God is not answering your prayers as quickly or in the same way you believe He should concerning this problem (or others), consider the following thoughts, which come from the teaching of Oswald Chambers from his book My Utmost for His Highest, (published by Barbour and Company). Chambers writes:

“We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith. It may be so in the initial stages; but we do not earn anything by faith. Faith brings us into right relationship with God and gives God His opportunity. God has frequently to knock the bottom board out of your experience if you are a saint in order to get you into contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, not a life of sentimental enjoyment of His blessings.

“Your earlier life of faith was narrow and intense, settled around a little sun-spot of experience, full of light and sweetness; then God withdrew His conscious blessing in order to teach you to walk by faith. You are worth more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight and thrilling testimony.

“Faith by its very nature must be tried and the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God’s character has to be cleared in our own minds. Faith in its actual working out has to go through spells of unsyllabled isolation. …Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him —I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do. ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him’ —this is the most sublime utterance of faith in the whole Bible.”

It may seem cruel of God to withdraw from you when you are dealing with so many problems, but we encourage you to understand that God has a reason why He allows certain things to happen in certain ways and at certain (or in uncertain) times. His silence may be a time when He is trusting you to live by faith at this time and to cooperate with Him in stretching your character beyond the limits of what you may think should happen. We encourage you to trust His silence and trust His heart. He loves you and knows what is ultimately best for all concerned.

If you have a spouse that recognizes the Biblical mandate to “leave and cleave” and yet you can’t physically live elsewhere at this time, ask God as a married couple to help you —even if it is something you feel you must do within your mind and actions within the same home as your family. God will lead you (at the proper time) as you lean upon Him, rather than upon that which you see right now. (See Proverbs 3:5-6.)

If you don’t have a spouse that at this time recognizes the “leave and cleave” mandate, then ask God how you are to proceed each day (hour, minute) under the constraints you find yourself living. God will be your guide. And what you see today in your spouse may actually change in the future. Trust God in this.

To help you further in this journey, we’ve searched for articles you can read that may give you insights into how to make your living situation work. We’ve found a few (and hopefully will find more in the future) that may help you. Even if your circumstances are not the same as in the articles we provide below for you to read, pray and then glean. Ask the Lord to show you what you can and cannot use, and what you can tailor in such a way that they will work in your situation. Open your heart and mind to all of the possibilities that God can show you.

Just make sure that what you use is not contrary to scripture. It is important that you are not allowing your own mind or a contrary spirit disguising itself as “angel of light” (that is working against God’s ways), to fool you. Be on the alert! (See 1 Peter 5:8-11.) Let the Bible, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, lead you into Truth in the decisions you make.

“All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17).

Ask the Lord to help you to be strong in doing what is best and right for all concerned —especially for the health of your marriage.

We want you to know that one or more of the articles, is not written from a Christian perspective. But we believe you will still find helpful things among all the articles that could help you. Let the Holy Spirit be your guide as to what you should and shouldn’t use. Please click onto the links provided below to read:

• HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR IN LAWS AND STILL LOVE THEM
• ASK THE PASTOR: LIVING WITH YOUR IN LAWS
• IN LAWS AND THE NEED FOR BOUNDARIES
• IN LAWS AND BOUNDARIES: Video Answer
  
• THE ONLY THING HARDER THAN LIVING WITH IN LAWS

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

Realize that times have changed —not scriptural values. Your children may live in nicer housing than you did at the same age. Your children may leave their children with childcare far more often than you did. Avoid developing a critical attitude. Criticism will wound your children. No one enjoys being with a critical person. Over time your children may begin to distance themselves from you, and you may destroy your opportunity to watch them grow to maturity and to enjoy them as friends.

It is wise to say to your children, “Listen to what I say, and then do as you please.” This assures you of always having the freedom to offer advice and suggestions based on your experience, yet it assures your children that they can make their own decisions. This leaves the door of communication open for all of you. Allow them to then do as they please without further unsolicited advice or an “I-told-you-so” attitude.

Remember this: Criticizing your children or their spouses will only drive them away from you. If it continues, they will avoid you and will dread their times with you. Think before using the statements, “You never.” and “You always…” Also, don’t do something nice for your children, and then remind them of it. Sometimes it is best to just drop a subject than to cause conflict.

Don’t forget to be sensitive to their need for privacy. If you live in close proximity, call before you visit and don’t overstay your welcome or visit too often. Instead, establish a visiting pattern that fits everyone. Exchange visits at appropriate times.

When grandchildren come, more communication will be required. Exchanged visits then become even more important. Never assume your children won’t mind if you just drop over, especially early in marriage. When both husband and wife work, their time in the evenings and on weekends may be their only time for privacy. Be as considerate of them as you would your other friends.

Make sure your daughter-in-law or son-in-law feels welcome in your home and with your family. Balance your gifts equally to your married children and their spouses. Treat them as part of the family and they will be. If you do, God will use you in their lives in ways you would never dream. This may be their first opportunity to observe mature Christian parents. Fathers, it would be a good idea to initiate time with your son-in-law so the daughter can spend time with her mom.

Finally, many couples today have several sets of in-laws if their parents have been divorced. This obviously can cause problems, especially around the holidays. If this is the case with you, allow your children and spouses to visit all the parents involved.

With serenity and love, you can become a source of joy to your children all the days of your lives.

•  3 HEALTHY STEPS FOR NEW IN-LAWS

Don’t give advice unless the young couple specifically asks for it. Even if they ask your opinion, be careful how the counsel is given. Do not preach or lecture. Instead, simply suggest solutions, giving the couple freedom to accept or reject them.

Don’t offer financial aid unless the young couple explicitly requests it. It is important for the couple to establish their independence— emotionally and financially. As difficult as it may be to watch your child and his or her spouse face financial struggles, realize that those trials are valuable for them as they develop their life together.

Keep your personal questions to a minimum. Remember, a couple’s primary allegiance should be to each other, not to either set of parents. The new couple needs privacy in order to develop a meaningful relationship.

Respect the couple’s confidence when they confide in you. Don’t repeat what they have told you to friends or other relatives, or you may lose their trust — and rightfully so.

Don’t expect the new couple to live according to your standards and values. Your child and his or her spouse are individuals starting their own home. They need to develop their own family traditions, independent of those observed by their parents.

Let go of your offspring, giving the couple room to live their own lives. Rather than living through your children’s lives, find activities of your own. Don’t expect the couple to spend excessive amounts of time with you. Only by letting go will you be able to build a healthy relationship with them.

Treat the couple with respect, and don’t belittle them or their decisions. They may have a lot to learn, but they need to learn these lessons themselves. Allow them to make their own mistakes, and don’t adopt an “I-told-you-so” attitude if they fail.

Don’t expect your in-law to call you “Mom” or “Dad.” He or she may feel most comfortable using your first names. Accept the decision gracefully — don’t make a major issue out of it.

Take a genuine interest in your new in-law as a person. Try to find out about his or her interests. Attempt to relate to your in-law in a meaningful way and on his or her terms

Don’t treat your in-law as a rival who has stolen your child’s love. Welcome the new addition into your family— you’ll multiply the love, rather than divide it.

The above article, originally titled, Establishing Good In-Law Relations, is offered from the ministry of Focus on the Family as an informational page (offered on their web site as well as in physical form) for those who ask for help on this issue. Focus on the Family is a wonderful ministry that reaches out to help families throughout the world. Their mission is “to cooperate with the Holy Spirit in disseminating the Gospel of Jesus Christ to as many people as possible, and, specifically, to accomplish that objective by helping to preserve traditional values and the institution of the family.” They have several wonderful web sites you can visit to learn all kinds of valuable information. Two of them being: www.family.org and www.troublewith.com.

But he wasn’t eight anymore and this pain wasn’t a skinned knee. She knew that she couldn’t solve his marital problems, but she did have a perspective she decided to share with him.

“Jake, I appreciate your telling me this. I know it is serious and is causing you a lot of pain. I also know that in the first year of marriage, many couples have similar problems. Those who make it deal with their problems in a realistic way. The couples who don’t make it are the ones who sweep their problems under the rug, trying to act as if they don’t exist. In reality, the problems just get larger.

“Sharing this with me is a first step. Now I want to encourage you to take a second. I’m not the one to give you marriage counseling, but that’s what you and Jenny need. There is a counselor on our church staff; and I also know two good ones downtown. If money is a problem, Dad and I will be willing to take care of the expense. The important thing is that both of you talk to someone with skills in helping couples work through such difficulties. Don’t let it go on or it will just get worse.”

Jake replied, “I don’t know if she will go for counseling. She would be horrified if she knew I was talking to you about this.”

“Then perhaps you can tell her that you are going for counseling because you must have some help in dealing with your own struggle,” his mother answered, “and that you would like her to go with you. She may go because she wants the counselor to hear her side of the story. But, if she doesn’t, you go alone. At least you will get the process started and she may join you later. Your problem isn’t going to go away by itself, and you need someone to help you work through it.”

Jake agreed, and when he drove home, he felt better than when he came. At least he knew the first step to take.

Jenny was reluctant, but she did go with Jake to the counselor, and in the months that followed they both learned a great deal about how to meet each other’s needs and build an authentic marriage. During the counseling he realized he was failing to meet Jenny’s emotional need for love. She desired quality time with him, but his job was so demanding that she often spent her evenings alone. She had finally decided that she might as well be with her mother as to stay home by herself.

During months of counseling, they came to understand each other better and made some significant changes. Jenny began to respond differently to her parents’ requests, particularly when she and Jake had already made plans. Jake learned how to meet Jenny’s need for love and to make more time for her. They have now been married five years and have a mutually fulfilling relationship.

A NEW TITLE, A NEW RELATIONSHIP: When your child marries, the relationship you have had is bound to change, as you move to embrace his or her spouse. These extended connections can bring you great happiness, or they can rain on your parade. The outcome is partly determined by your response to them.

After your child decides to marry, you acquire a new title: in-law. Not only do you have a son- or daughter-in-law who directly influences your child, but you also become related to people who will indirectly influence your adult child as they continue to influence their own married child. In addition, you may soon have another title: grandparent, and you will share your grandchildren with your son- or daughter-in-law’s parents. And, if your son or daughter chooses to marry someone who already has children, you become instant grandparents.

BETSY’S WISE ADVICE: Thus your response to these new relationships can bring you happiness or heartache, joy or jealousy. Jake’s mother was extremely wise in her responses to Jake’s complaint about Jenny. In her counsel we can find several positive principles on how we parents can respond to the marital difficulties experienced by many young adults.

First, she took the problem seriously. She didn’t brush it off by saying, “Oh, it can’t be that bad. You’re just overreacting. Take her out to dinner and she’ll be all right.” She didn’t say, “Why don’t you just talk to Jenny about this? I’m sure if she realized what you’re feeling, she would change.” Nor did she suggest, “Just give her some time and be patient. I’m sure it will all work out.” The fact is that marital problems don’t “just work out.” Our high divorce statistics are stark reminders that problems unattended get worse. As concerned parents, we should respond to signs of marital problems.

Second, she didn’t take sides. You can become involved without saying one spouse (usually your child) is right and the other is wrong. You don’t have all the facts, and to take sides could alienate the other spouse. Note that Betsy didn’t tell Jake that it was his fault, nor did she blame Jenny. Instead, she remained neutral. Seldom can the responsibility for marital conflict be laid at the feet of one partner; generally, both husband and wife have done and said things to compound the problem. Both need insight into the dynamics of their relationship and then need to learn to take corrective steps in creating a different climate in which their conflicts can be resolved. When parents take sides, they only add to the problems.

Third, she waited until Jake come to her for advice. As a parent, don’t offer advice until you’re asked. Be willing to give counsel, but wait until such counsel is requested. Betsy might have rushed in with suggestions after she first sensed something was wrong. However, had she offered advice then, Jake might have become defensive and then not turned to her later for help. The best guideline is to wait until your married children ask for help. At that point, they are more likely to follow your suggestions.

Fourth, she offered a course of action that was specific and doable. As parents, we can give recommendations, but we should be specific. Depending on the situation, you may recommend professional counseling, seeing a financial planner, or setting up a budget. Betsy recommended counseling; she also removed the possible hurdle of finances by offering to help. While she didn’t force Jake to take action, she told him why she believed it would be wise.

Significantly, Betsy talked with her husband about her conversation with Jake. The two determined that their relationship with the young couple would continue just as it had been. No questions, no blame, no changed attitudes toward Jenny or her parents. Wise parents do not seek to solve the problems of their married children. They are there to make loving suggestions if these are asked for, but they don’t impose themselves on their children’s lives. They give their children space to build their own lives. They allow them the freedom to say no to invitations or requests that conflict with their plans or wishes. They relate to their children in ways that will foster their growth as individuals and as a couple.

As a parent and an in-law, your goal should be to support your child and his or her mate. Welcome your son- or daughter-in-law into the family with open arms. when asked, give advice. You’ll always remain a parent; become a friend.

A: You’re probably on target, and you are in a tight spot. It’s hard to know how to respond to an adult child whose life choices concern you. Let me suggest two key possibilities.

First, give some thought and prayer to talking directly with your son. Whether or not you should speak to him depends in part on the nature of your relationship. Have you been able to discuss things with your son in the past? Are your thoughts well-received? If he’s generally defensive or hostile, then this option probably won’t work. You’ll need to assess the validity of this suggestion prayerfully.

If you do decide to speak to your son, do so privately. He’ll be less defensive if no one else is around. Don’t mention anything about your daughter-in-law, as that puts you smack in the middle—plus he’ll feel betrayed by you both.

Simply tell him you’ve observed how much he’s traveling, and that you’re concerned about its impact both on his marriage and on his children. You know from experience how hard it is to raise young children, and how vital his support and input are to his family.

Ask him his thoughts on the matter. Whether or not your son opens up to you, let him know how much you love him, and that you pray faithfully for him and his family. Don’t give any advice unless he asks for it specifically.

The second option, which either can follow the first or stand alone, is to intercede daily for your son and his family. There’s far more power in prayer than in anything you might say. Bring your observations, specific concerns, and helplessness to God; it’s there you join with the power of heaven.

Whatever God’s answer may be—and whenever it may come—you can be assured he will respond to your prayers on behalf of your family.

Diane Mandt Langberg, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in private practice, and author of Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse and On the Threshold of Hope: Opening the Door to Healing for Survivors of Sexual Abuse (both Tyndale).