“Flirting is fun and usually begins in innocence. It’s a hard habit to break, even after marriage. Yet it causes jealousy. Worse, it puts us into situations we never intended to fall into, and it creates misunderstandings that can lead to infidelity” (Jerry Jenkins).

Whether intentional or not, flirting with someone other than your spouse is a form of emotional unfaithfulness. It’s a serious relationship matter, especially to the offended spouse. That’s why we’re approaching this subject by sharing a portion of a TV program titled, “You’re Not the Person I Married,” aired December 5, 2002 on the Dr Phil Show (which you can find more information about concerning this particular program and additional information, by following the provided “Show Archives” link to DrPhil.com).

In this show one of the couples, Joe and Karmen, were battling over his flirting with other women and the emotional affairs he later developed with several of them. To Joe, it was all innocent fun, because as he said, “there was no sex involved.” But Karmen felt hurt and betrayed.

They set up that segment of the program, showing a tape of both Joe and Karmen explaining their “sides” on the issue. Karmen said,

“I was in love with Joe, and he swore that he’d be faithful to me when we got married. Joe’s been involved with several women over the years, and he says they’re just emotional affairs, but they bother me just the same. I’m suspicious of everything that Joe says to me, and I’m constantly checking up on him.”

To that Joe responds,

“I never thought I would really be able to give up the attention I want from other women. The flirtations with women I have, they’re just romantic. There’s no sex involved.” And “when I tell the truth” (to Karmen when questioned by her) she”gets hurt, so I sometimes have to lie to save her feelings. To be honest, I never thought we’d be married as long as we are now. I think the kids right now have a lot to do with us still being together.”

They then, show a segment where Karmen’s sitting with her son who was crying telling his mom “it’s all my fault” for the problems they’re having. After the video, Dr Phil asks, “Joe, you just saw the toll this has taken on your son. So how much fun is that flirting now?” to which Joe replied, “It’s not fun at all.”

Karmen said,

“He didn’t know that was going to be on there, but I wanted him to see how bad he’s hurting our son without him even realizing it. My son came to me and said, ‘It’s my fault Dad’s unhappy with life because Dad told me he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for us and he’s unhappy being here.’ I said, ‘Joel, he was trying to let you know how much he loves you; that even though he’s not happy with himself, he’s here for you, that he loves you.’ But, of course, my son didn’t take it that way.”

Dr Phil addressing Joe, said,

“You say, ‘I got married, knowing I wouldn’t want to give up the affection of other women. I’m having emotional affairs, but nothing physical.’ You know, just color me cynical, but I don’t believe that. I’m not saying you are or you aren’t —I have no evidence. I can’t prove one way or the other—all I know is what you say, and just one guy to another, I don’t believe that for a split second. But—that’s your position. And then you go say this to your children? Do you feel any responsibility to the health and welfare of this family as it relates to your choices?”

Joe replied, “I never knew my choices would really affect the family the way they have. I have, in the past, thought sometimes, it’s better we should just split up, however.” Dr Phil said, “Well, that’s one option, that’s true, to just say, ‘You know, I’ll just go—and y’all make your own way.’ Joe then admitted, “You know, I like what I have. You know, I love Karmen; I love the kids. I don’t want to give that up either.”

When Dr Phil asked Karmen if she felt betrayed by these emotional affairs, she said, “They hurt just the same as if he was out having a physical affair.” Dr. McGraw said, “Well, you are betrayed” and then turned to Joe and asked him if it truly was a betrayal to which Joe affirmed that they were.

Phil then said to him, “Because let me tell you, anytime you turn away from instead of towards your partner to meet emotional needs, physical needs, needs that are appropriate to a committed, intimate relationship, that’s a betrayal. So you have these needs, and you’re turning away from your wife to meet those needs. What do you expect her to do about that?”

Joe replied, “Well, I know I lost her trust. And I know it will be hard to regain it. But all I can do is say I’m sorry. The feeling I was looking for was that new relationship feeling. We’ve been married 14 years, and, you know, I miss that feeling.

Dr Phil then said, “So you thought, ‘I’ll just go get it somewhere else. And I’ll let my children pick up the tab for that immaturity, I’ll let my wife pick up the tab for that immaturity, and I’ll let our family go down in flames, so I can get a rush every 30 days?’”

Joe said, “See, I never really looked at it that way. I didn’t think it affected them a lot of times, I guess really it was, ‘What they don’t know don’t hurt’.”

Dr Phil then replied, “You said, ‘When I got married, I knew I wasn’t going to give up my want for these other women. I didn’t think we would stay married very long.’ So I guess you just thought you’d just bring some kids in the world and then just kind of leave them in your wake as you went to the next conquest. ‘What they don’t know doesn’t hurt them.’ Are you rethinking that as you sit here now?”

Joe said, “Oh, definitely, yes.” Dr Phil then said, “That’s a good thing because this is about wake-up calls. I’m not trying to beat you up. I’m trying to wake you up and get you to realize what you’re doing here.”

Joe acknowledged that he now saw his behavior in a different light and that he had been wrong but he wasn’t able to make a firm promise to stop for fear that if he failed he’d hurt his wife again with another “broken promise.” He did say he “wanted to” stop flirting and seeing other women.

At that point, Dr Phil said,

“Listen, I understand. Isn’t it all fun when you’re falling in love and everything is new and fresh and all that? That’s all fun just like riding a roller-coaster is great fun for some people. But the truth is, as we mature, we realize that love doesn’t get old; it just transforms.

You know, at first, you’re up all night talking and you’re doing all of this stuff and everybody gets all excited and everything. And I always hear them say, ‘Oh, we’re like soul mates. She knows me so well, she can finish my sentences.’ Then two years later, it’s, like, ‘Hey quit interrupting.’ OK? You know we get that evolution, but we label it as negative when really it’s just a change.”

“I don’t stay up all night talking to my wife because I want to go to sleep. But you know what? It may not be exactly the same; it’s better, but different. If you mature enough to allow that to happen, what you find out is—in exchange for some of the exhilaration in the unknown, you have comfort, you have security —you have a soft place to fall. And when you put effort and energy into it, you can create that exhilaration at the right time along the way.

But in the meantime, you mature into nurturing what’s there, learning to label that the same way you label the others. There’s a big difference between falling in love and being in love.”

We appreciate how Dr Phil tried to bring a wake up call to Karmen and Joe and to all married couples who will listen who feel flirtations aren’t harmful. What may seem to be “innocent” flirting in the eyes of one spouse who is directing it at someone other than their marriage partner, can spiral into all sorts of problems with a lot of innocent people to getting hurt. That’s not what marriage partnership is supposed to involve.

It comes down to the fact that marriage is designed to be entered into by grown-ups — those who are willing to act as mature adults, who vow to join together in exclusive partnership with each other and with God as a “chord of three strands.” It’s a relationship that is to be honored as sacred and protected by both partners so no one outside the marriage has the opportunity to “divide what God has joined together.” (See Mark 10:7-9)

You might find it helpful to follow something that author Jerry Jenkins discovered and shared in his book, Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It (which we highly recommend). He wrote,

“Because I enjoy having fun and being funny, and because my mind tends to find humor in words and unusual combinations of ideas, I could easily flirt with anyone I thought was receptive. Much flirting is funny. If someone says something flirtatious with me, my first impulse is to expand on it, play with it, see how quick and funny I can be. But I resist that. It isn’t fair. It’s mental and emotional unfaithfulness. I would be exercising a portion of my brain and soul reserved for my exclusive lover —my spouse.”

Jerry knows, and so should we, that this isn’t what we should be doing. It’s not God’s way and it shouldn’t be our way either. Think about it, isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be? Exclusive? If not, why marry? We need to consider what God’s word says about our actions:

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4).

The flirtatious spouse might not think that he or she is being “sexually immoral” because he/she isn’t actually going through a physical, sexual act with another person. However, the Word of God says,

“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person — such a man is an idolater — has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God” (Ephesians 5:3-5).

Also, it is written:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:27-29).

We beg you to save your flirting for your spouse. Invest your energies in your marriage instead of with someone else. You could find your relationship so much better, feeling newer and revived. And as a result you, your spouse, your children, and your God will be blessed.

Jerry Jenkins has a suggestion in his book that is a good one:

“If you want to flirt, flirt with your wife. She may not look, feel, or sound the way she did when you first flirted with her years ago, but she still wants you to flirt with her. Try it. Wink at her across the room. Blow her a kiss no one else sees. Play footsie with her under the table. Give her a squeeze, a pinch, a tickle no one else notices.”

He continues this thought by saying,

“Wouldn’t you like to be flirted with by someone who loves you, someone who can tease you about what she might do with you later and then deliver?”

Even if you think someone else might enjoy your flirtations as much or more than your spouse, when you took your marriage vows, you promised exclusivity with your marriage partner. So instead, try flirting with your spouse—you may like it! And it may just help to keep your romance alive—just as it has for us as we’ve flirted with each other throughout our almost 38 year old marriage.

Steve and Cindy Wright

My husband, Jeff, and I had just relocated to this town, and although he was not a Christian at the time, Jeff was supportive of my desire to get involved in my new church.

I quickly made friends and started serving in different areas of church life, such as helping in the nursery and planning women’s retreats.

Over the course of time, I developed a close friendship with the pastor and his wife. And as the months turned into years, my relationship with the pastor became overly-familiar and far too close.

Many times when the pastor’s wife and I were having lunch at their home, her husband would drop by for awhile and we would all chat. Since the pastor and I had similar personalities we found each other charming, witty, and irresistibly funny. We could laugh and talk for hours.

Our “friendship” eventually escalated to the point where we were talking on the phone almost every day. Of course Jeff had no idea that the pastor and I were in daily contact. This was something I was hiding from him.

Although we mainly discussed benign topics such as church business or our mutual friends, in my heart of hearts I knew it was inappropriate behavior. The phone calls were starting to thrill me —which was alarming in and of itself. And I felt conscience-stricken about allowing this too close friendship to continue.

Yet, instead of responding to the “red light” of a guilty conscience by shutting down the friendship, I was drawn even closer to the pastor by my pride and a refusal to heed the warning signs.

In desperation I called up my trusted friend Debbie who lived in another state. She listened patiently as I poured out my heart to her. I held nothing back, doing my best to be as transparent as possible.

Her counsel was that I leave that church immediately. During our long, tearful conversation, she literally begged me to get out of the pastor’s life that day, and to run to a different church, as if my life depended on it.

I vowed that I would obey her warning. I promised to do exactly as she said. I pledged to extract myself from this man’s life quickly. But ultimately, I chose not to.

You see, at first I was convinced that Debbie’s advice was correct. Then, little by little, I decided that I could handle the pastor’s escalating attention. Leaving a church I loved so dearly seemed too drastic. So on I went, careening recklessly through another red light.

My world came crashing down one hot July afternoon. I had put my little boy down for a nap and was enjoying my daily chat on the phone with the pastor  —when he revealed his interest in me as more than just a friend.

In hindsight all I can say is “duh!” Spending copious amounts of time getting to know someone of the opposite sex is called “dating”. What did I expect to happen?

His declaration of romantic interest propelled me into the worst season of my life, and what ensued was a three month inappropriate relationship. Eventually the elders found out about it, and I was asked to leave the church immediately. Within a few months the pastor was asked to resign his position, and he and his family moved to another state.

After I left the church I confessed the whole ugly situation to my husband. To say he was disappointed would be an understatement. Jeff was understandably hurt and angry, but he forgave me. And ultimately, he took great comfort in the knowledge that nothing had happened physically between the pastor and me.

The Turning Point

Honesty and transparency marked the beginning of the restoration of my marriage. During the first few weeks of the rebuilding process I spent much time in prayer; repentance, a cry for renewal, and the revitalization of my marriage were predominate in my conversations with God.

It was during these weeks of prayer that I had what can only be described as a “supernatural curtain pull.” Like the old game show Let’s Make a Deal, God pulled back the curtain of my dulled and wounded emotions with a flourish and said “Ta Da! Look who you married!”

And I saw it! I saw an honorable man, an intelligent man, a caring and steady man. It was at that point in my life that I began to actively revel in the man that was mine alone.

It’s Your Turn

Now it’s your opportunity to take notice of the unique and extraordinary gift that is right in front of your eyes. This revelation does not come after your husband loses forty-five pounds, or your wife goes through extensive therapy, or your mate agrees to buy that new home you’ve been hoping for.

Instead, it comes when the Lord shows you just who you are married to. Our spouses may not be perfect, but with very few exceptions, most of them have worthy qualities just waiting to be noticed and esteemed. Each is a prize in his or her own right!

Maybe as you sit reading this article, your “prize” is drooling and dreaming in his La-Z-Boy chair. Or perhaps she’s nursing the baby in two-day old clothing that smells of “spit up”.

Whatever the particular circumstances surrounding you and your mate, now is the time to ask God to wow you with a curtain pull. And to that end, let’s discuss two key ways in which you can position yourself to receive this “marriage enhancing” revelation.

• Key 1: Loving Actions Produce Loving Feelings

Feelings follow actions, not the other way around. All too often, we plan to act a certain way once we genuinely feel that way. We say things like, “As soon as my wife starts doing the things I’ve asked her to do, I’ll be more loving.” Or, “If my husband would only stop irritating me, I’d be a nicer wife!”

But the truth is our feelings will follow the actions we take. We’ll feel more loving after we begin to act more loving. Our eyes will be opened to our husband or wife’s superior qualities as we begin to actively notice and esteem them.

When I teach this principle at women’s retreats, I’m occasionally approached by women who say something like, “Paula, I’m not going to act all lovey-dovey with my husband if I’m not feeling it!”

But to believe that you cannot act a certain way until you genuinely, fully, and resolutely feel that way is incorrect, and it allows your emotions to dictate the course of your marriage.

And more importantly, it will impede that “curtain pull” you’re hoping for. An important first step in facilitating a new outlook and perspective on your mate is by continually choosing to take loving and nurturing actions toward him or her.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not talking about pretending to be an ever smiling, perfectly coiffed, Stepford-spouse who never discusses anything negative with their mate. On the contrary, communication is of prime importance in marriage.

What I am saying is that ultimately we are in charge of our own emotions, and we can choose just how we will act. Our fragile, frenzied feelings aren’t in charge. The godly person inside of us — the one who desires to honor God with our lives and marriages —that’s who’s in charge!

• Key 2: Learn to Overlook Your Spouses Faults

When it comes to overlooking your husband or wife’s faults I’m not suggesting overlooking addiction, abuse, or neglect. I’m talking about overlooking those annoying little personality quirks that seemed tolerable when you and your spouse were first dating.

Maybe your wife is a pack rat, saving every toy the kids ever played with — for sentimental reasons. Or your husband’s a neat freak, and you have three kids in a house that will never be picked up to his standards. Does he talk with his mouth full — does she pick her teeth in public — perhaps he laughs too loudly at social gatherings?

Whatever his or her particular foibles, they need to be overlooked if you want to live in peace with your spouse.

It’s true that marriage can be challenging at times — but it also can be fulfilling, comforting, and joyous. If we want to enjoy our marriages, and experience our own “Ta Da!” moments, it’s important to keep our sense of humor intact and our minds focused on our mate’s good qualities.

Overlooking another’s faults means to literally “look over the top of the faults” to see the person you love standing on the other side. You love your spouse. You don’t love their faults —but you do love them?

So what about it? Are you ready for your own curtain pull? You better brace yourself — it’s gonna be good! In fact, maybe you ought to sit down for this. Get ready now – are you ready? Okay then, here it comes:

Ta-da! Look who you married!

The above article was excerpted from the book, The Man You’ve Always Wanted is the One You Already Have, written by Paula Friedrichsen Preview or Purchase This Book Now.

This book gives candid revelations about the inappropriate relationship that nearly destroyed the author’s marriage and will help you see that no man compares to the one you already have. In this book you will discover how to: Embrace the differences between you and your spouse, revel in the freedom of forgiveness, and draw near to the only true Source of lasting fulfillment.

The author Paula Friedrichsen is also a conference speaker as well as an author.  She lives with her husband and daughter in Northern California. You can contact Paula on her web site at www.PFMinistries.com.

The above article was used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

You may have heard before that your spouse should know your business and you should know your spouses’ business. At first glance that may seem like a critical way of living, but read on and see if you feel the same way:

You interact with them every day, sometimes up close and personal. You can’t help but be around them. In many cases, they’re women you see more often than your wife.

They’re women at work — opposite-sex friendships — and unless you’re on guard, they can be the single biggest threat to your marriage.

How do you know you could be in trouble? It’s not easy, because relationships tend to be progressive …and almost all opposite-sex friendships begin innocently.

You start at a very basic level of getting to know each other. But before you know it, she begins to open up and express her concerns, hurts and problems (particularly those relating to her husband or boyfriend). Being a gentleman, you give her a sympathetic ear. In appreciation, she gives you attention and caring — perhaps more so than your wife. You find her flattering, and a nice little boost to your ego.

Before you know it, that opposite-sex friendship becomes the most important relationship in your life — surpassing even your relationship with your wife. When that happens, that workplace relationship has become a real threat to your marriage.

Here’s how you can tell when an opposite-sex friendship in the workplace is becoming dangerous:

• You find yourself sharing personal information with her that you otherwise wouldn’t share with someone else or your spouse.

• You begin looking for her when you get to work, and find yourself genuinely disappointed when she’s not there.

• You start creating opportunities to be alone with your opposite-sex friend during the workday, such as through non-work related lunch appointments, or lingering too long at her office or cubicle.

• You’re physically attracted to the person, and think about her when you’re not at work.

Now, guys, I know there are many of you thinking, “Look, I’ve had an opposite-sex friendship at work with (insert her name here) for years. Nothing has ever happened, and nothing ever will. It’ll never become inappropriate.”

Okay, then please ask yourself this: “Are you sure she feels the same way?” You might not intend for anything inappropriate to happen. But because of her own issues — ones of which you are completely unaware— she may be starting to drift from concentrating her husband or boyfriend.

She’s not dealing with problems they way she should be with her spouse, and she’s starting to find more fulfillment from her relationship with you. Even if nothing inappropriate ever occurs, you may be unknowingly preventing your opposite-sex friend from facing issues she needs to deal with only with her husband or boyfriend. You can’t risk letting that occur.

Here’s a good rule of thumb to keep in mind. In the workplace, it’s best to keep a professional barrier between you and others. Frankly, you’re not at work to have an opposite-sex friendship anyway. You’re there to get a job done. That should be your sole focus.

Finally, take to heart this sound advice from Proverbs:

“My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, and ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble.” Proverbs 3:21-23

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23

Demonstrate God-honoring character in all your relationships, especially those with women at work — and you’ll avoid the pitfalls that come with opposite-sex friendships, and strengthen your bond with the one person that matters most—your wife!

“What I want women to understand is that every woman’s battle is not to compare their husbands to other men. I was in the process of doing that for a number of years. I compared him to my college professor — he wasn’t as intelligent; I compared him to my pastor — he wasn’t as spiritually passionate; I compared him to lots of other men — and in some way or another he didn’t measure up.

“If we look at the great things about other people, and then we look at our husbands, it’s not fair because we live with our husbands. We see the good, the bad, and the ugly.

“You know, we smell the bad breath; we see the toothpaste left in the sink; we see the cabinet doors open, and the dirty clothes on the floor, but we only see the good things in other people. We don’t see the good, the bad, and the ugly. With every unhealthy comparison, it breeds more disillusionment in your marriage, and it has the same effect as having an affair. You become so disheartened and disappointed that you begin to resent him.”

The above dialogue came from part one of a five part radio broadcast interview, produced by the ministry of Family Life Today with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine. At the bottom of this page we will provide links to their web site so you can read the rest of the transcript or you can choose to listen to the interview from their ministry over the internet— plus you can read or listen to the other four interviews.

But first we want to give you a few more “previews” into this interview so you hopefully, will be compelled to go further:

Dennis: I think our listeners need to know, that she wasn’t having an actual affair; it was an emotional fantasy.

Bob: I think that’s interesting, because men and women certainly entertain thoughts about people other than the folks you’re married to, but we entertain those thoughts differently as men and women, and I’m not sure that we really understand those differences.

Shannon: Absolutely not, and to use the word “entertain,” I don’t want women to get the impression that it’s appropriate to entertain the thoughts. It’s only human that we’re going to have those random thoughts come up in our mind, but to entertain them or fantasize over them or obsess over them or use those as a measuring stick by which we measure our husbands, that’s when it becomes very dangerous.

Bob: Yes, in the same way that it would be inappropriate or wrong for a man to linger with thoughts of another woman, or to stare. In that same way, a woman has to be on guard against the emotional fantasy and that comparison, and that’s where the romance novels and the soap operas really feed it.

Shannon: It feeds it like crazy, and Internet chat rooms are the latest frenzy in feeding these unhealthy behaviors. Often people say, “Every woman’s battle,” is about eating or shopping, and when I tell them, “It’s discovering God’s plan for sexual and emotional fulfillment,” so often the response is, “Women don’t really have sexual issues, do they?”

Or maybe men will say, “Maybe women have some issues, but it’s not near as strong as it is for men,” and I want to debate that. The visual stimulation is not as strong for women, but the emotional longings and the cravings of our heart and soul for love, intimacy, affection, and attention is just as difficult to deal with as the visual is for men.

Bob: What woke you up to this issue, personally?

Shannon: After about five years of marriage, I was actually thinking of leaving, because I felt so disappointed and disillusioned. It wasn’t a particular man that I wanted to leave for. I cried out to my husband, “You just don’t meet my emotional needs,” and he spoke the truth in love to me. He sat me down, and he said, “Shannon, you have a Grand Canyon of emotional needs, and even if every man in Dallas lined up outside your doorstep to spend time with you, it still wouldn’t be enough.” He said, “Until you look to God to meet these needs that you have, there is nothing that neither I nor any other man on the planet can do to satisfy you…”

Shannon then gave further testimony of what had happened in her life before and during that time and then she said:

I hadn’t had as much of a transformation in my life as I truly needed until an aerobics instructor invited me to lunch one day. He had made a comment that I took that to mean that perhaps he needed Jesus, and I went under the guise of “I’m going to share Jesus with him over lunch.”

Dennis: Now, you were married at the time. And you’re having lunch with another man?

Shannon: At the time I thought there was nothing wrong, because I thought that my motive was to share Jesus, but on the way there, I was praying, “Lord, help me keep my focus because his biceps are really big, and he’s really handsome, and he could be a distraction to me.” I knew my weakness, but I was sticking my head in the lion’s mouth praying, “Lord, protect me from the lion.”

But over lunch he said to me, “Would you like to know why I invited you to lunch?” And I said, “Sure.” He said, “It’s because you have a neon sign on your forehead.” I said, “Well, what does that sign say?” He said it says that you’re hungry for love and attention and affection. I thought he was coming on to me. I said, “How do I get that off, because I’m a happily married woman?” And he said, “Do you really want to know?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “You have to die to yourself.”

And he turned the tables, and ministered to me, and said, “Shannon, this is what I see in you. You come to aerobics class dressed not as much to sweat but to cause other men to sweat.” He said, “It’s the way you carry yourself. When you told me you were married, I was surprised. And when you told me that you were a youth minister, I was really surprised. The life that you are living is not consistent with the image that you are projecting.” That was a major wakeup call…”

There is a lot more to this interview that we wish we could add. But instead, we will send you to the web site for Family Life Today so you can read or listen to the entire interview there. We strongly urge you to do this! It’s a compelling interview and very helpful!

To either listen to (if your computer has sound capability) or read the rest of the transcript from the above interview (recently aired in February 2008) and the other four proceeding interviews with Shannon Ethridge with Dennis Rainey, click on the title of the following (and then arrow back for the next one:

• Guarding Against Emotional Fantasies (Day 1 of 5) Sexual temptation isn’t just a man’s battle. Women face it too, but usually in a different way. Shannon Ethridge talks with Dennis Rainey about facing sexual temptation with wisdom and integrity.

• Overcoming Disappointments (Day 2 of 5) Where does a woman’s battle with sexual temptation start? Shannon Ethridge says “it often begins in a heart of disappointment. She then goes on to explain “how to replace disappointment with contentment.”

• Guarding Your Heart (Day 3 of 5) Shannon Ethridge, a wife, mother and author of Every Woman’s Battle tells women that their greatest defense against sexual temptation is a good offense specifically, a guarded heart.

• Inspiring A Great Love (Day 4 of 5) Shannon Ethridge tells wives they should “inspire, not require intimacy” if they want their husbands to be their best friends.

• Healing from Battle Wounds (Day 5 of 5) Are private wounds keeping you from intimacy with your husband? Shannon Ethridge explains how women can find healing for the sexual scars of their past.

— ALSO —

An article to read that you might find helpful can be read by clicking onto:

• YOU’VE GOT LIES

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

In my practice, I (Steve) see a trend that alarms me. Increasingly, I meet women who are living out their fantasies on the Internet. “It’s just a game,” said one of my clients. “I don’t know the men and they don’t know me, so how can it be wrong?” Women who think an Internet Affair is safe and innocent couldn’t be more wrong. Like quicksand, it keeps sucking you in deeper and deeper even when you are seriously trying to get out.

It progresses quickly from curiosity to flirtation, to emotional involvement, and eventually to contact. Even if you resist actually meeting a man, once you start sharing on an emotional level, this fantasy person has captured part of your heart and soon will seem better and more interesting than your husband.

Why Fantasies Can Hurt You

Whether acted out on the Net or in real life, such fantasies can be harmful for a number of important reasons-aside from the difficulties of divorce. The most obvious is that even an emotional affair can cause irreparable damage to an imperfect but workable relationship. Nothing hurts like betrayal. And while a marriage can recover from an affair, the road to such recovery can be steep and painful.

Yet another danger of “I can do better” fantasies is that they are usually just that—fantasies. They are usually based on delusions and can lead to even deeper disappointment than what you are now facing. After all, anyone can put on a good front for a short period of time—or in cyberspace.

But the handsome, charming, exciting —or gentle, understanding, and tender—man you believe will rescue you from your relational doldrums is likely to look quite different once you really get to know him. If he is single and knows you are married, research shows that he is most likely narcissistic, alcoholic, or has problems with commitment. If he is married as well, then you are getting involved with a married man who cheats on his wife. Is that really the kind of person you believe will help you discover something better?

In The Many Loves of Marriage, artist and author Thomas Kinkade points out another important problem with fantasizing about the perfect person or the prefect relationship:

“People get a divorce, link up with someone new, and suddenly they’re doing all the fun romantic stuff—moonlight walks and bicycle rides and exotic getaways. They could have done all of those things with the spouse they just left, but they didn’t. As a result, they endure the trauma and humiliation of a wrenching divorce, shattering change in their lives, great financial loss, and bitter, deeply wounded children… all for the sake of “new romantic experiences.”

And then Kinkade asks a very pertinent question: “And how long do you think that relationship will last?”

As men and women have discovered through the ages, infidelity and delusion form a very shaky foundation for happiness. No matter how painful your marriage is now and how unhappy you are in it, your chances of finding lasting happiness in the form of “someone better” are slim indeed. Doesn’t it make more sense to invest your time, energy, and emotions into making your current marriage better?

Have You Gone too Far?

The idea of “I can do better than this” often begins with seemingly innocent questions like “What if I were single?” or “What if I had married someone else?” These questions are reinforced by the idealistic—and unrealistic—depiction of love in romantic movies, television, music, and novels. It’s easy to become attached to the illusion of finding someone other than your husband who can meet all your wants, needs, and desires.

Remember that every time you think about being with someone other than your husband, you are undermining your marriage and breaking your vows. God’s word is clear that fantasizing about having sex with anyone other than your spouse is sin. That may sound severe, but every sin that we eventually act out in our bodies begins in our minds—and the easiest place to stop it is in the mind as well.

The first step in ending an affair, in other words, is never allowing it to start. If there is someone you are seriously attracted to—whether a checker at the grocery store, a friend’s husband, or someone you met casually — we urge you to do what you must to put him out of your thoughts. In most cases, this will involve avoiding all contact with the person.

One woman found herself very attracted to a man at her church. They had never met, but he was the kind of man women notice, and seeing him stirred her romantic imagination. She changed where she sat in church so he wasn’t in her line of vision and avoided places where she might bump into him. Eventually he moved away and she was thankful she had succeeded in never having a conversation with the handsome gentleman.

If you have allowed conversations with another man (whether in person, on the phone, or on the Internet) to move to a personal level, you may be on the brink of or already involved in an emotional affair. Dennis Rainey, award-winning author and founder of FamilyLife ministries, gives the following sever warning signs that you are too involved:

• You’ve got a need you feel your mate isn’t meeting-for attention, approval, affection-and that other person begins meeting your need.

• You find it easier to unwind with someone other than your spouse by dissecting the day’s difficulties over lunch, coffee, or during a ride home.

• You begin to talk about problems you are having with your spouse.

• You rationalize the relationship by saying that surely it must be God’s will to talk so openly and honestly with a fellow Christian. You become defensive about the relationship and protective of it.

• You look forward to being with this person more than with your won mate.

• You wonder what you’d do if you didn’t have this friend to talk to.

• You hide the relationship from your mate.

Another quick test is to ask yourself if you would like your husband to know about or to listen to the conversations you are having. If your answer is no to either question, chances are that you have gone too far.

What should you do if that’s the case? We urge you to break off your connection with that individual immediately, no matter how fulfilling your conversations have become. This means no more e-mails, no more meeting for lunch or coffee, and no more private conversations. Period! Fill the void by choosing a girlfriend or a mentor who is in a healthy marriage and ask if you can vent with her for a few months while your marriage gets back on track.

If you are involved sexually with someone other than your husband, it’s even more crucial that you make a commitment right now to end the affair immediately. Do it today.

This is what the authors have to say, concerning this book (which will give you a sampling of what it contains):

“We pray that you will recognize the symptoms and dangers of becoming a walk-out woman and that you will realize that it is not a path to happiness. Opening your heart to your marriage again is indeed a risk, but we believe it’s a risk worth taking. We want to help you understand your husband better and show some ways you can encourage him to listen to your hurts and anger.

We want to help you understand more about yourself as well —why you may have started “keeping score” and how you have built a wall around your heart. We’ll talk about realistic and unrealistic expectations and the dangers of creating a new fantasy with someone else. We’ll also give you strategies for taking care of yourself, getting connected again with your husband, resolving conflict, dealing with anger and loss, remembering the good times, and pressing closer to the Lord.”

INTERNET INFIDELITY
-by Randy Frame

It doesn’t take a physical act to betray your vows.

To read more on this subject:

CLICK HERE

It can start out innocent enough, but eventually it can lead to trouble. We might not even be conscious that we’re doing anything wrong — after-all, it’s “natural” to want more than we have when we’re unhappy. But it can leave us open to putting our eyes, and our hopes —our longings, where they shouldn’t go, and even dreaming for something that isn’t ours to dream about.

It leaves us open to listening to the tempting voices which the enemy of our faith is ready to supply when we’re unhappy.

We’re told in the Bible: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

It also says, “Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil” (Proverbs 4:25-27).

Wishing and hoping to the point of being so discontent that you leave your heart unguarded, can be dangerous. How many times we’ve heard the statement said, “We never meant for it to happen, it just did!” That’s why we want to warn you to guard your heart and put your eyes on your own path —not someone else’s.

Below, we have provided several links to articles that discuss this very problem. We hope you’ll prayerfully read them and ask the Lord to teach you what you need to learn from them — either for your own situation or to share with someone else.

Just click on the links provided below:

• WISHING HE WERE YOUR HUSBAND

• JUST FRIENDS?

• I WAS ADDICTED TO ROMANCE

I hasten to add that you just can’t bury these feelings. Therefore, the next step is identification. What is the “something” this person touches inside you? What unmet need does he tap into? Sometimes the infidel can process this with a spouse or a same-sex friend, but other times that will need to be done with an experienced counselor who is committed to restoring the marriage.

My experience is that the longings that underlie infidelity go back to childhood; the infidel brings them with him or her into the marriage. They often were touched upon or satisfied in the initial phases of the relationship with the spouse, but over time have been buried by the crush of life’s responsibilities.

The next process is exposure. Don’t allow these longings and feelings to remain a secret. The longer an infidel allows these feelings to continue as a secret, the more he or she will idealize the person the feelings are attached to. Idealization means this partner becomes perfect, and as a result, no one else (e.g., the spouse) can measure up. The partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”

As mentioned earlier, if you encapsulate these feelings at this point, they will only lie dormant to be triggered again later. I usually encourage the infidel to share his feelings with his spouse, after seeking counsel. After all, the spouse has been involved in this story already (in that all affairs are a triangle, even if the spouse is unaware) and might as well know the secrets that are occurring in his/her marriage.

The next concept here is to journal. Write down the feelings you are experiencing in this rather involved and tortuous journey. Feelings don’t have to control an individual, but their influence is strongest when they are held in secret. The longings that have led to this emotional affair are a part of the childhood magic; journaling them gets them out into the open, into the adult realm.

The next step is displacement. Use this process in tandem with some of the other processes. Here you do something else in lieu of focusing on the partner. You can exercise, get involved in spiritual development, or take on different projects or hobbies. This is the “doing” part of healing.

The final idea is to grieve. Though this is extremely difficult for the spouse to observe, it is important and necessary. Many times this needs to start with a “good-bye” letter (written to the adulterous partner). Most infidels find this very painful to do. It seems so unnecessary initially, because (seemingly “nothing evil has happened,” since they didn’t have sex. Only after thorough processing, and the passage of time, will the infidel be able to look back and see how befuddled his/her thinking really was.

This is also a good time for the infidel to review his/her “loss history,” and this leads naturally to grieving. What other significant caregivers, friends, loved ones, or pets has the infidel lost that parallel the lost feelings in giving up the affair? The infidel will probably want to do this in private and only later will be able to share the depth of the experience with his spouse.

(A caution here: The depression is not about what you feel for the partner, but just what you are feeling, period. Keep the partner out of the equation-it will make it easier for your souse to listen to your feelings, and easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.)

The Healing Process

Neither your partner nor your spouse can release you from the emotional hook you’ve experienced. Many spouses caught in this kind of emotional affair have found portions of The Serenity Prayer helpful:

“Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Be careful of changing the components around. Don’t try to change the things you cannot change-that will only lead to frustration and anger. On the other hand, don’t accept the things you should be changing—that will only lead to feelings of victimization, a sense of “What’s the use? I can’t lick this, so I might as well give in.”

Time, the healing process, always requires a backward look. Encouragement is not usually the result if you look to where you need to be, feel like you ought to be, or even want to be. You will see the feelings diminish as you look backward to where you were three, six or nine months ago.

Rebuild and concentrate on the lost relationships that contributed to the vacuum that the emotional affair filled. That could require quite a search on your part, some intense conversations (even confrontations) with people in your life, a lot of focused reading, and even some trips/visits to significant places in your childhood.

Enjoy the process and reschedule the experiences that made your marriage good in the first place. Here I encourage couples to each identify the “eight greats” of their marital experience. Independently, each spouse should identify the eight great experiences, or highlights, of their marital history, then decide together on five that they’d like to repeat. You see, shared history is a critical component of intimacy. Rare is the spouse who won’t join “the almost infidel” in this endeavor and experience recovery from close call. Why, most of us had close calls ourselves.

Some Cautions for the Infidel

Temptations do not an identity make. Some people struggle with the same temptation for years. For instance, just because someone wants to smoke again because he’s tempted doesn’t mean he’s a smoker. Don’t let the temptation to return to the partner shame you into feeling “What’s the use? I might as well give in. I’ll never be free of these feelings.”

Second, remember that in periods of high stress, difficult emotions, transition, and marital dullness, you will feel an increased desire to return to the partner or to renew thoughts of him/her. At times, infidels report that they have yearnings to think about this person just to see if the feelings are still “available” as in the days gone by. This “testing” is common to obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and the intent is to prove to oneself how far one has come in the recovery process.

Be careful—this process can begin to mimic the destabilization process of a Class 2 affair described in chapter 6. As mentioned there, such practices only intensify, rather than lessen, the attraction—and the hook goes much deeper.

Some Encouragement for the Spouse

First, remember that these longings were present in your spouse before you entered his or her life. You didn’t create them, and you probably can’t fully satisfy them.

Second, you did tap into those longings early in your relationship in some fashion. The longings were present in the initial feelings of what love is all about. For whatever reason, the infidel settled for the initial feelings of what love is all about and superficial satisfaction of those longings, versus deepening and maturing them. This is not your fault. Many times it is the result of a combination of circumstances: work, school, family, and so on. But the exciting thing is now you both can go deeper in your love for each other.

Last, both of you will eventually forget the partner. The memories of this experience will fade in the same way that a widow or widower forgets abut the loss of a god first marriage if the second marriage is a pleasant experience.

It is possible to rebuild after an emotional affair has been discovered. Work through these steps and you will make progress. This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.

The above article comes from the excellent book, TORN ASUNDER - Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!

There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information.

(If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)

They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!

When you find yourself connecting with another person who starts becoming in even the smallest way a substitute for your marital partner, you’ve started traveling a dangerous road. So, how do you protect yourself—and your marriage?

Here are some principles many have found helpful:

1. Know your boundaries. You should put fences around your heart and protect the sacred ground that is reserved only for your spouse. Barbara and I are careful to share our deepest feelings, needs, and difficulties only with each other and not with friends of the opposite sex.

2. Realize the power of the eyes. They are the “windows of your soul.” Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of those windows. It’s true that good eye contact is necessary for fruitful communication, but there is a deep type of look that must be reserved for only one person: your mate.

Frankly, I don’t trust myself. Some women may think I’m insecure because I don’t hold eye contact too long, but that’s not it at all. I simply don’t trust my humanity. I’ve seen what has happened to others, and I know it could happen to me.

3. Beware of isolation and concealment. One strategy of the enemy is to isolate you from your spouse, by tempting you to keep secrets from your mate. Barbara and I both realize the danger of concealment in our marriage. We work hard at bringing things out into the open and discussing them. Our closets are empty.

4. Extinguish any chemical reactions that may have begun. A friendship with the opposite sex that is beginning to meet needs your mate should be meeting must be ended quickly. A simple rule of chemistry is this: To stop a chemical reaction, remove one of the elements. It may be painful or embarrassing at first, but it isn’t as painful as suffering the results of temptation that has given birth to sin.

Ruth Senter wrote an article for Partnership Magazine entitled simply, “Rick.” It was an incredibly honest examination of a godly wife’s encounter and ensuing friendship with a Christian man she met in a graduate class. Her struggle and godly response to this temptation were graphically etched in a letter that ended that relationship. She wrote,

“Friendship is always going somewhere unless it’s dead. You and I both know where ours is going. When a relationship threatens the stability of commitments we’ve made to the people we value the most, it can no longer be.”

5. Ask God to remind you how important it is to fear Him. The fear of God has turned me from many a temptation. it would be one thing if another person learned I had compromised my vows, but it’s quite another thing to realize that God’s throne would have a knowledge of my disloyalty to Barbara faster than the speed of light.

It has been said that a “secret sin on earth is open scandal in heaven.” My Heavenly Father and my earthly father are there right now. Thinking of hurting them keeps me pure.

Included in this book are proven principles and hands-on exercises to help you: Understand the cultural and personal forces that isolate you from each other… manage your schedules, workloads, roles, and responsibilities without losing sight of each other… allow for (and enjoy) individual differences while maintaining unity… build an atmosphere of cooperation by meeting each other more than half way… “affair-proof” your relationship (or heal it after the fact)… grow closer during hard times instead of letting your troubles pull you apart… and leave a legacy of love and unity to your family and friends—among many other practical helps for your marriage.

Please click onto the link provided below to read the related article:

• 8 SAFEGUARDS AGAINST GETTING TOO CLOSE

To read another related article on this subject please click onto the link below:

• BEWARE OF THE SPOKEN WORD

If you find someone attractive, your first line of defense is a proper mind-set, which is this: This attraction threatens everything I hold dear.

It may not appear threatening early in the attraction, when everything seems innocent. Remember, though, that attractions grow quickly and can destroy your marriage. Even if your marriage manages to survive, at the very least the lurking will weaken the foundation of your marriage and rob your wife of your full captivation.

Your second line of defense is to declare, I have no right to think these things. State this to yourself clearly, decisively, and often. You don’t even know this woman; who are you to be attracted to her? Didn’t your Master give you your wife?

The third line of defense is to heighten your alert. What do you normally do when you feel threatened? You take off your jacket and breathe deeply. You ready yourself for what’s coming.

Suppose you’re a bouncer at a dance club, checking I.D.s and tickets, joking with the customers. One night, five men in black leather loudly roar up on motorcycle, looking surly and arrogant. Would you relax and back away from the door? Not on your life. Without hesitation, you’d step up to the door and stand erect, ready to confront the threat.

Consider the old Star Trek television series. What did Captain Kirk do when danger approached? He cried out: Red alert! Shields up!

With your mind-set transformed, you won’t let her near the corral. The attraction will begin to starve, and she’ll drift back toward the horizon. How can you make sure this will happen?

BOUNCE YOUR EYES. You saw her passing your corral, and you were physically attracted to her. Starve this attraction by bouncing your eyes (which means to “build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from the hot stove”). Don’t dwell on her beauty by stealing glances. Do this with zeal.

AVOID HER. Sometimes this isn’t possible, but do it when you can. If she works with you, and the two of you are assigned to the same project, don’t ask her to eat lunch with you or offer her a ride home. Avoid opportunities that create positive experiences with her until the attraction phase dies. If she asks you to do something with her, excuse yourself.

WHEN YOU’RE IN HER COMPANY, PLAY THE DWEEB. Our hero, Dweebman, steps into a nearby public rest room and emerges as the polyester-clad enemy of all things flirtatious and hip. Dull, mild-mannered Dweebman—pocket protector shielding his heart and hair slightly askew—wages his quiet, thankless war of boring interchange. Our once-threatening Amazon withdraws to undefended sectors, leaving Dweebman victorious again in his never-ending good fight to stave off the hip and the impure in his galactic empire!

Okay, there’s not that much glory in playing the dweeb. There’ll be no comic-book deals no endorsement deals, no 20/20 interviews with Barbara Walters, but you’ll be a hero to your wife and kids.

A dweeb is the opposite of a player. In relationships, players send and receive social signals smoothly. Dweebs do not. When a player wants to send attraction signals, there are certain things he’ll do. He’ll flirt. He’ll banter. He’ll smile with a knowing look. He’ll talk about hip things. In short, he’ll be cool. You were a player at one time. You knew how to feed attractions. You spent your whole adolescence learning how.

As a married man, however, a little social suicide is very much in order. Always play the dweeb. Players flirt… learn to un-flirt. Players banter… learn to un-banter. If a woman smiles with a knowing look, learn to smile with a slightly confused look, to un-smile. If she talks about things that are hip, talk about things are un-hip to her, like your wife and kids. She’ll find you pleasant enough but rather bland and uninteresting. Perfect.

Sometimes a woman’s attractiveness to you will be mental rather than physical. This is common in work environments as you work with women on projects that interest you both. In business it’s common to spend more hours per day with female coworkers than with your wife. You talk with them about common goals and achieving success, while all you and your wife talk about are the kids’ discipline problems, who’s going to change the dirty diapers, and bills, bills, bills.

As with physically attractive women, you must understand that if your shields aren’t up, and if you don’t recognize the threat to your marriage, you’re flirting with danger.

To summarize: If you’re attracted to a woman, it doesn’t mean you may never again have any sort of relationship or friendship with her. It only means you must enact your defense perimeters. Once you’ve starved the attractions and she’s a safe distance away, you can have a proper relationship, one that is honoring to your wife and to the Lord.

The above article can be found in the excellent book, EVERYMAN’S BATTLE… Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, published by WaterBrook Press.

This book shares the stories of dozens who have escaped the trap of sexual immorality and presents a practical, detailed plan for any man who desires sexual purity—perfect for men who have fallen in the past, those who want to remain strong today, and all who want to overcome temptation in the future. We can’t recommend this book highly enough! It’s powerful!

You can also visit the web site that goes along with this book, www.everymansbattle.com. They have some great articles on this web site that could minister to your needs in tremendous ways.

The question was posed to us if flirting on the internet, by someone who is married, considered cheating. Here’s a portion of the answer I gave:

If someone is married, why would they think it’s permissible to flirt with anyone other than with their spouse? Not only are they putting themselves into a vulnerable situation where they can fall into temptation (even if they “fool” themselves into thinking they can’t be tempted— “fool” is the operative word here) but they’re playing with the emotions of someone else who shouldn’t be flirting back with someone who is married. It’s called being a “stumbling block” in tempting them to sin.

That other person may not know the person who is flirting with them is married. So, what if they build up romantic feelings for the flirting married person and they eventually find out that this person is married, is that fair? It puts them into a place of pain as they then have to make the decision to tear their heart away from someone they care for or they end up participating in cheating — either way, they lose.

I sure wouldn’t want that done to me if I were single! And I think the person who is flirting should consider that other persons’ feelings also. That’s really being cruel and inhumane to have so little compassion on the feelings of others — to be so insensitive that they would consider doing that to them!

I’m reminded of the Pharaoh of Egypt in Genesis 12 when Abram allowed his wife to be passed off as an unmarried woman and Pharaoh took her into his palace. It says in verse 17, “But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai. So Pharaoh summoned Abram. ‘What have you done to me?’ he said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, ‘She is my sister, so I took her to be my wife’?”

One can argue that the circumstances went a step further than flirting. But it still comes down to one person contributing to another person sinning, and innocent people are hurt in the process.

Also the Bible talks about the fact that if we do something in our thoughts it’s the same as actually doing the deed itself. Flirting is being sexual in your attitude and/or words, so it doesn’t leave out the fact that this is defiling the Marriage Bed — which the Bible warns us against doing!

And even if the flirting spouse was up front with the fact that they were married, they’re contributing to another person sinning. If someone flirts with someone who is married, they’re guilty of trespassing into that marriage. They have no business flirting with someone else’s spouse.

So… tempting someone to flirt with you when you’re married is causing them to sin. Is that something we should do — contribute to tempting someone else to sin? Would that spouse want that to be done to their daughter or son? God doesn’t want it done to His either.

And even if you put all of this aside, what about the other spouse who has their marital partner flirting with someone else? How is this cherishing and honoring them (as the flirting partner promised in their wedding vows to do)? How is this “forsaking all others” as promised in the wedding vows? How does this make the faithful spouse feel? I can tell you that it hurts into the core of their being! How is that humane?

It takes an insensitive and/or immoral person to do that to someone else! We’re to be different than the animals. Being creatures of compassion is a large part of what separates us from the animals. I don’t see much compassion in this situation. It sounds more cruel to me!

It all comes down to making the choice of being a promise-keeper or being someone who only cares about themselves —that they don’t care who they hurt in the process. THAT’S what the person is deciding when they flirt with someone else who isn’t their spouse — whether it’s on the internet or elsewhere.

Just because it’s on the internet, it doesn’t mean that integrity is supposed to be removed from our actions. Integrity is who you are, and what you do, when no one else is looking but God. And flirting outside of marriage screams against being a person of integrity — it says, “I’m self-centered and I don’t care who I hurt in the process! What I want is what’s important here!”