After only three years of marriage, Julie learned that her husband John had begun having an affair that had been going on “right under her nose” for at least 6 months.

“I was so angry,” she explained. “I felt violated, humiliated, and really, really, really stupid for ignoring all the signs. I experienced a full range of emotions when I learned about the affair, but the feeling that was totally foreign to me was the desire to hurt someone, or something.”

“I’m not a violent or angry person by nature,” Julie assured me. “But suddenly I was so angry that I lashed out at anyone that came anywhere near me.” “Since John wasn’t around,” Julie admits “I took my anger out on my friends, my children and my co-workers —then, when the people who were left behind wouldn’t tolerate my anger any longer, I began taking it out on myself.”

Julie isn’t alone. In a country where almost half of all marriages end in divorce, and [a huge number of them] involve an extramarital affair, it wasn’t difficult to find people like Julie to talk with.

Cheryl, a manager of a local retail store simply stated, “Honestly, I just wanted to kill him.”

Gerard, whom everyone believed to have ‘the perfect marriage’ for almost 20 years adamantly stated, “The affair was the ultimate betrayal, I’ll never trust anyone again.”

Of the people interviewed for this article, the comments maintained a common thread of betrayal, loneliness and distrust. Julie admitted, “In a time when I needed people the most, I pushed them away. As things progressed I started to realize that if I was wrong about trusting my spouse, then who else was I wrong about? I got to the point where every relationship I had was severely affected because of my inability to put my trust in anybody else.”

Julie never dreamed that the list of people she could not trust would ultimately include herself. “Let me tell you,” Julie stressed, “This world is impossible to operate in with a total inability to trust your own judgment. When you go through this type of betrayal, you lose your direction and the results have some pretty severe consequences.”

The Children of Affairs Unfortunately, another common thread within the people interviewed for this article, was the ability to tell themselves: “Hey, kids are just kids — right? They’re young, they bounce back, and they don’t really understand everything that’s going on anyway.”

Amazingly, nearly every individual I spoke with admitted that while they were going through the ‘hell’ of the extramarital affair (either discovering, or being discovered ) they found it easier to tell themselves the above statement about their children, despite the fact that they knew it to be completely untrue at the time.

“If I could go back,” Gerard explains, “I would have tried more to help my children cope with the pain that my wife’s affair had all of us —but, I was so focused on my own pain during the divorce, that it was hard to focus on anyone else.”

Gerard’s son Jason, now a 21 year old victim of his own parents bitter divorce state, “Marriage is stupid, you just wind up choosing someone else down the road anyway.”

Not surprisingly, many children are affected just as dramatically as the parents when a divorce ends due to an extramarital affair. The lessons these children learn from their parents’ actions are scary: how to lie, how to deny problems, how to be selfish, and ultimately, how to never trust.

The feeling of betrayal extends to all participants of a divorce due to a cheating spouse. Is there any wonder why children of affairs and divorce have a hard time with future relationships?

Why do Spouses Cheat? According to local family counselor Jeff Parziale, Ph.D., “Most people don’t actually want to have an affair. Spouses cheat for a variety of reasons, with a big reason being boredom in their marriage.”

What seems amazingly contradictory to Dr. Parziale’s statement is a series of well-known surveys conducted between 1990 and 2002 by the University of Chicago, which revealed:

• 30% of all adults who say that their marriage is not too happy report having an extramarital affair.

• 17% of all adults who say their marriage is pretty happy report an extramarital affair.

• And a surprising 10% of all adults who say their marriage is really happy , also admitted to having an affair.

With over 50% of the participants of this survey admitting to extramarital affairs, it’s hard to believe that having an affair isn’t a conscious decision making process. So, if people don’t actually want to have an affair, why do these affairs actually happen?

“Today’s marriage take work”, Dr. Parziale explains. “There are many factors in today’s society that influence the success of a marital relationship. Many people cheat because they did not ‘intend’ not to. To avoid affairs, we must have strong boundaries in place to avoid sharing too many intimate details with friends or coworkers. In other words, cheating for many is more about ‘not’ having a plan on how ‘not to’ cheat.”

Shirley Glass, a well-known psychologist who strove to redefine the nature of infidelity prior to her death in October 2003, wrote articles, books and appeared on television programs to examine how the emotional intimacy of the workplace and the Internet had led even people in successful marriages to slip into emotionally intense relationships that could easily lead to affairs.

Dr Glass said that even if these intense relationships did not lead to sex they were a threat to marriages and part of what she termed “The new crisis of infidelity.” The reason, she said, is that the emotional intimacy with the friend gradually, almost invisibly, supplants that with the spouse.

Avoiding the Betrayal As many of us already know life is not a fairy tale — for Cinderella, the first kiss was all it took and the relationship then lasted for hundreds of decades —but, for those of us in today’s complicated world we’re still looking for the magic answer to keeping our marriages alive.

Upon researching this article, it became glaringly obvious that the answer to a successful marriage really isn’t as complicated as one might expect, and the answers may just be in looking at what made your marriage happen in the first place —the dating period!

Can you honestly say to yourself, “My list of priorities during the dating period with my spouse is exactly the same today, as it was then?”

Once deemed courting (idiom: pay court to: To flatter with solicitous overtures in an attempt to obtain something), today’s dating has become similar to a “cat and mouse” chase where once caught, it is soon determined by many that the chase is over.

To maintain a successful and happy marriage, it’s important to realize that “dating etiquette” isn’t just for dating anymore —it’s also for keeping marriages in bloom. Keeping a marriage positive, having needs met, making your spouse your best friend, having fun together, and keeping an even balance between “talking vs. listening” with your spouse, are all important deterrents to extramarital affairs.

In today’s hectic and advanced world it is more important than ever to keep your marriage fresh and alive. Your spouse should be your best friend, your confidant and the one person that you know you can trust.

When Suspect An Affair While you have your own responsibilities in keeping your marriage alive, you cannot control the actions of your spouse. It’s important to realize that if you have knowledge that your spouse is cheating, it is not your fault.

A popular, but inaccurate, notion is that the non-involved spouse should have to change, in order to recapture the involved partner. A common belief is, “if only the wife paid more attention to the husband, or looked more sexy, or had sex more often, then the affair would have happened.”

If you suspect an affair, but do not have confirmation that an actual affair is taking place, there are several things that must occur. Most importantly, avoid accusations. Inaccurate accusations can destroy a marriage just as quickly as an actual affair can. Instead, talk to your spouse. Try to determine why you suspect him/her of having an affair, and without throwing out accusations, seek to solve some of the “symptoms’ that may have you feeling that there might be something more going on.

If your concerns are with working late—address the issue, not your assumptions. If your concerns are with a change in your sex life—talk about it. If you and your spouse are unable to solve the issues together, then seek help from a qualified professional.

“Too many people try to manage this situation by themselves,” explains Sharon, a recent survivor of a marriage on the rocks. “The only place you’ll see a list of ‘The top ten signs that your spouse is cheating on you’, is in Cosmo [Magazine] —and the list isn’t meant to help you, it’s meant to appeal to our emotions and sell more magazines.”

Sharon suspected her husband of 18 years of infidelity. “All the Cosmo signs were there,” she confides, “he was distant, always working late, our friendship seemed non-existent and our sex life was completely dead.”

For months, Sharon and her husband Jim struggled through accusations and arguments that distanced their relationship even further. Finally, they both sought professional help. “Short of a lie detector test, there was no way I could prove my loyalty to Sharon,” Jim explains “but that didn’t mean that I hadn’t thought about it.”

“It was so tempting to find another friend,” Jim states. “While Sharon was constantly nagging at me about something I was thinking about, I started justifying that if I was going to be accused of doing it, then maybe I should.”

“It wasn’t until I started thinking about why I was considering an affair, that I realized how bad it would be for all of us if I actually had one,” Jim commented. “If you seek out someone else because things are going bad at home, then it’s only going to make matters worse.”

Jim and Sharon were one of the fortunate couples that sought professional help before things got out of control.

Obviously, the best way to rebuild your marriage is to talk to your spouse. Talk to him or her about your needs, wants, feelings, and thoughts. Notably, the best way to prevent extramarital affairs in the first place is precisely the same. The best thing to do when the threat of an affair is to add more positive emotional contributions to your marriage. When all efforts toward communication and positive contributions fail, seek professional advice.

After an affair An extramarital affair is the most difficult situation that can affect a marital relationship. It eliminates the emotional bond between spouses, violates the basic trust each partner has for himself or herself (as well as the other) and it jeopardizes the health and well being of both parties.

Dr Glass made an impact among marriage therapists in 2003 by saying that “betrayed partners in adulterous affairs often suffered from post-traumatic stress similar to that experienced by combat veterans”.

According to Dr Parziale, an affair is not only a sexual event—it is an emotional event. It is usually a consequence of the emotional distance between the married couple. In a rather paradoxical manner, the extramarital affair may also temporarily create more closeness between the couple but will ultimately send the relationship into a terrifying tailspin.

Usually, poor relationships result in people seeking extramarital affairs. Sometimes, the involved partner will justify that the affair is an attempt at “disrupting the status quo” in his or her marriage. If the relationship has drifted into stagnation, lack of emotional contact, habitual criticism and argument, constant conflict, or just plain emotional distance and coolness, then the affair will eventually put the final nail into the coffin.

Probably the most important factor in aiding a marriage to recover from the extramarital affair is to rebuild trust. In most cases, it’s a rare even —and statistics are low (less than 2%) for marriages to survive the affair. Rebuilding trust usually takes a long time and a lot of patience. It sometimes helps to know that the non-involved spouse will almost always have “relapses” into distrust. There are many exercises for trust rebuilding. Letting down defensive behavior, despite the fear, is only one.

Affairs Lead to Divorce “Most people don’t realize that infidelity is even biblical grounds for divorce,” stated one victim of infidelity. “Many people at my church just didn’t understand – they hadn’t been through it.”

It doesn’t matter what walk of life you’re from; extramarital affairs are an equal-opportunity disaster. “Finding support, and understanding the grieving process can be challenging”, Dr Parziale explains, “for both parties, it is like grieving the death of a loved one.”

“For the initiator of the divorce, there are distinct stages such as alienation, breakup, the love entitlement quest, looking back, mourning, and disentanglement. The letting go process starts early, in the disappointments and disillusion of the working marriage, teaching crisis proportions at breakup, and then still requires attention long after parting of the ways has been accomplished.”

For the non-initiator the stages are: shock, grief/rage, courting the rejecter, distancing, and indifference. The crucial phase is distancing, where the non-initiator begins to restructure his or new life without the partner.”

Both parties involved in a divorce go through a grieving process, although it feels and looks much different. Understanding the process for yourself and for your ex- or soon to be ex-partner is important in the process of healing.

The scope of this topic exceeds the boundaries of the word count that my publisher allows, but understandably so. Children, parents, families, siblings, friends, co-workers, neighbors and pastors are all affected by an extramarital affair. Bonds of trust are broken, in many directions, and in many cases never re-built.

If you’re considering a “fling” outside your primary relationship, carefully consider the difficult consequences it will bring. Ask yourself, “is this sexual encounter really worth all the complications and hassles it will bring into my life?”

The title of the original article is: “Affair Proofing” Your Marriage written by Jennifer Boughton (All the names in this article have been changed to protect their identities).

Kate found out her husband was having an affair the same week he asked her for a divorce — she didn’t see it coming. She told me, “My ‘gut’ was telling me that things weren’t quite right, but Bob had convinced me that I was just paranoid and insecure. I had no idea he was such a good liar. He talked me out of my suspicions.”

I asked her, “Could you make a list of his unusual behaviors? New actions that weren’t necessarily bad — just odd. But now, looking back, you see them as signs that he was having an affair?”

Here is Kate’s top-ten list:

1. About six months ago, he started working longer hours and having more “client dinners.”

2. When he was home, he would seem restless and often claim he had “work” to do, so he spent a lot of time in the den — with the door closed.

3. He started some new patterns that I thought were wonderful. He took the dog for long walks, and offered to run errands for me in the evenings. If I commented that I wished I had some cookies for the kids’ lunches, he’d say, “I’ll be happy to go to the store for you.” I found out later that he’d call his mistress on his cell phone while he was walking or running errands.

4. He gave me a goofy, silly card for my birthday instead of his usual romantic, sentimental one, and he only signed his name — not Love, Bob.

5. Our sex life lost its sizzle. On the rare occasions when we did make love, it felt awkwardly cold – just a physical act, not an emotional connection. I think he may have felt as if he was being unfaithful to his girlfriend by sleeping with me.

6. He started referring to a person at work named Pierce. He would tell me how funny and talented Pierce was. That was his mistress’s last name!

7. He started to skip desserts and be very careful about what he ate — he lost weight and started exercising.

8. He dyed his hair — to cover the gray. “She” is twelve years younger than he is.

9. He seemed more short-tempered. Things that didn’t usually bother him suddenly did. He was especially impatient with the children.

10. After I saw the way he reacted to “her” at a company party, I asked him if there was something between them, and he lied to my face. Looking back, I know he lied to me about credit card and cell phone bills, and that most of the new clients he’d been taking to dinner were not clients at all.

Kate summed it all up: “I wish I’d been more alert. I just didn’t put all the pieces together until it was too late.”

When Secret Service agents guard the President, they continually scan the crowd. They’re looking for unusual movements or odd behaviors that may be an indication of danger. The agents have studied how innocent people usually behave, so they can spot a person who’s acting “guilty.” We can apply some of these lessons to guarding our marriages.

These warning signs may indicate an affair:

1. Changing eating and sleeping patterns;

2. Wearing a different style of clothes;

3. Starting arguments or becoming very passive;

4. Working longer or different hours;

5. Pulling away from church and extended family;

6. Taking more showers than usual;

7. Comparing his or her spouse to other people;

8. Hiding credit card charges and cash withdrawals

9. Taking off his or her wedding ring.

10. Becoming secretive or defensive about phone calls and emails

You don’t need to be paranoid or to see things that aren’t there. I don’t recommend that you spy on your spouse— but if you need to, feel free. It would be wise, however, to be on guard.

Guard Yourself

Affairs begin in many ways and for many reasons, so we must be always on guard for the slightest hint of temptation. Because hints turn into flirtations, flirtations turn into attractions, attractions turn into affairs, and affairs turn into disasters. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says that God will always provide a way of escape, but we have to make a decision to run toward the door.

When you’re guarding your marriage, you’re not guarding just your spouse, but guarding yourself too. I rationalized my way into a boatload of trouble because I thought; “The rules don’t apply to me. I’ve been to Bible College, I’m smart, I have self-control, and I can stop before it gets too far.” All lies!

My affair began at work, so I’m an expert on workplace temptation. Once, the most common type of office infidelity was between male bosses and females who were lower-ranking employees, but that’s changed in the last ten years. With more and more women working, the most common office affair is between coworkers. The man I had my affair with (Jake) was not my boss; we were both sales reps — equals

My relationship with Jake started innocently. I noticed that we laughed at the same things, and he noticed that we liked similar music, so we started to sit together at lunch. We were just friends — until we weren’t.

I remember the first time we went out of the friendship zone and into the danger zone. We were sitting next to each other at a sales meeting when his leg brushed up against mine. I felt a spark at the contact point and was a bit disappointed when he pulled away. A few minutes later, he shifted slightly in his chair and his leg, from knee to thigh, pressed gently against mine. I liked it, and I didn’t pull away.

I should have. But because I didn’t, I sent him a signal that I was unguarded. We both began to look for excuses to be together. If I’d not responded to his flirtations, I would have avoided the biggest regret of my life.

Coworkers sometimes work on projects or solve problems together, and the resulting closeness can build teamwork — but it can also build a feeling of intimacy. If you feel an attraction to someone in your office, consider a transfer to a different department, a different position, or maybe you should quit. No job is more valuable than your marriage. I knew that I could not continue to work with Jake without being tempted, so I quit my job the same day I confessed my affair to my husband.

Be honest with yourself. If you’re dressing to please someone else or lingering in the parking lot hoping that person will ask you to lunch, stop now, before you’ve gone too far. If you’re in doubt as to what conduct is inappropriate, ask yourself, “Would I do this in front of my spouse?” And if you’re still not sure, ask yourself, ” Would I do it in front of the Lord?” (You are, you know.) Here’s a simple rule to keep you on the straight and narrow: If you’d have to hide it or lie about it — don’t do it!

The key to growing effective guarding hedges is to be honest about your weaknesses, both as individuals and as a couple. Set up distinct boundaries and enforce them. If your spouse reminds you of the rules, don’t be defensive or point out your mate’s faults; accept his or her correction because it’s for the greater good of the marriage. Some of the most difficult phrases to say — you’re right and I’m sorry — can save your marriage— and your love.

When Secret Service agents guard the President, they regard the President’s life as more important than their own individual lives. Guard your marriages in the same way. You may be required to sacrifice part of your individual life — hobbies, profession, TV time, computer time, sports activities — to strengthen your marriage. If you’re both willing to make your marriage a priority, however, and guard it from internal and external dangers, your home will be a safe haven.

1 Thessalonians 4:3 says:

“It is God’s will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like those who do not know God.”

This book was written by a woman who strayed to the other side of the marital fence — and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered, this book focuses on how to grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing six protective “hedges” around it.

As some reviewers have said —which we agree, “This is wisdom born of tragic but genuine experience. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. Her honesty, vulnerability, and repentance provide marital lessons guaranteed to revitalize and strengthen couples who are susceptible to the lure of an affair. She does a terrific job telling her compelling U-turn story of rebellion, repentance, and restoration. In the second part of the book, she gives helpful suggestions and funny examples that demonstrate how to create a healthy and satisfying marriage. She has a delightful way of teaching without preaching.” This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.

Author Nancy Anderson and her husband Ron speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.

Those are a couple of questions we’d like to address in this article, praying that the resources we send you to will help you in the ways you need it.

“As many as 65 percent of men and 55 percent of women will have an extramarital affair by the time they are forty, according to the Journal of Psychology and Christianity. A Christianity Today survey found that 23 percent of the 300 pastors who responded admitted to sexually inappropriate behavior with someone other than their wives while in the ministry.”

That’s a beginning quote from an article written by Cindy Crosby, in the Summer 2001 edition of Marriage Partnership Magazine.

We’re going to take you directly to their web site because they have a few other shorter articles, which are worth reading, at the end of this one.

To read this article:

WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN: Prevention and Recovery

-ALSO-

“This series is for three groups of people:

• The first group are those who are satisfied in their marriage. They’re not being tempted to have an affair. This is a great series for you to listen to just to keep the home fires burning and to be encouraged and to also watch for the danger signs in your own life.

• “Secondly, this is a series for those who are being tempted.

• “The third group are those who are trapped, they’re ensnared, and they need hope and they need healing. We’re going to provide that hope and healing because this is really the purpose of this book — to guide someone out of the trap and to help bring them back to full reconciliation and restoration in the marriage relationship. “

• WHY DO AFFAIRS HAPPEN? (Day 1 of 5)

• WHAT CAUSES AFFAIRS (Day 2 of 5)

• WHERE DO AFFAIRS START? (Day 3 of 5)

• HOW DO I COME CLEAN? (Day 4 of 5)

• HOW DO I REBUILD TRUST? (Day 5 of 5)

If you have something you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Whether or not adultery is actually happening, your suspicions are telling you that something is wrong and you feel a need to probe a bit more, but how? What “evidence” do you look for or recognize as it’s all put together, that will help you to come to the wisest conclusion as to whether or not your spouse is committing adultery?

Maybe you’ve even asked him or her a few probing questions and you have received a complete denial, and yet something still doesn’t seem quite right. You don’t want to come out and blatantly and more forcefully accuse your spouse of being unfaithful if it’s not true (because you know that can cause even more problems), but on the other hand, there is still this nagging feeling inside of you that your spouse isn’t being honest.

“Is he or isn’t he cheating on me?” “Is she or isn’t she cheating on me?” Those are VERY important questions for you to have answered, and have them answered honestly. No one wants to be played the fool, and no one wants their spouse to deceive them, and yet how do you know what to look for and how do you know if your spouse will answer your questions honestly?

Let’s face it, if a spouse has lowered himself or herself to such a low level as to commit adultery, what makes you think that they will suddenly stop the deception and the denial, and become honest with you all of a sudden, when you first suspect something is wrong? It is possible it could happen, but not likely.

So for this reason (and many more), you need to approach this matter wisely, with your eyes as open and your perceptions as keenly alert, as it is possible.

“Hindsight is 20/20, and so it goes with affairs from the spouse’s point of view. Just prior to actual disclosure, the spouse will often come upon subtle or even obvious clues with increasing frequency, bits and pieces of information that spell out ‘a-f-f-a-i-r,’ but only when the spouse looks back.

“Those pieces of information contribute to the spouse’s feeling foolish in the wake of the discovery: ‘Why didn’t I see it coming? How could I have been so stupid?’ The self-incrimination goes on endlessly as the spouse berates herself (or himself) for not picking up on the signals that now seem clear.” (Dave Carder, “Torn Asunder …Recovering From Extramarital Affairs”)

Facing the fact that a spouse may be cheating on you is difficult enough! But to have the pain multiplied by going through a prolonged period of doubting and questioning, makes it all the worse.

So, to help you to recognize the important “signals” your spouse may or may not be leaving around, we have provided links to several web sites that address this issue. We pray they will help you to discover what you need to know, one way or the other.

Please click onto the web site links below to read:

• Infidelity’s Warning Signs

• Danger Signs of an Affair

• Top 10 Signs of Infidelity
  

• How to Know if Your Spouse is Cheating on You

Q: Is it possible for a man to have an equally strong love for two women? The one is his wife and the other is a very good friend.
A: It’s possible for him to have love (and hopefully commitment) for one and feel an attraction to another. “Love” is difficult to define because it can take many forms. The type of love that God expects from those who marry is Agape love — which is a Godly form of love. It’s like what we’ve previously said in a past Marriage Message:

God created marriage to be a visible picture of Christ’s love for the church. The love we commit ourselves to hold for each other when we enter into marriage is to be “agape” love— just like the love Christ has for us. He loved us so much that He sacrificed and subjected Himself to death on a cross to die for our sins. And as we take hold of the love gift Christ gave to us, we can live in the resurrected victory that Jesus also provided where we’re forgiven for our sins and have the opportunity to live a new life.

Agape love is Godly love. It never quits and is unconditional. It’s a type of sacrificial love which loves BEYOND that which seems to be unlovable. It is a covenant-holding type of love. That’s the kind of love that REAL “soul mates” hold for each other. It’s the kind of love God expects in us to live out in our marriages—a Christ-like love.

There are other types of love like Phileo — which is a friendship type of love. There’s Eros —which is a sexual attraction bio-chemical type of love. And then there are other types also.

But the kind that God expects us to commit to when we marry is Agape love (which can also include Phileo and Eros). So regardless of whether a man feels an attraction towards someone else or even if he thinks he “should have married someone other than his wife” —that shouldn’t matter. He needs to quit entertaining the enemy of our faith and put his mind and energies into loving his wife as God expects and as he committed to do in the vow he made on his wedding day.

As someone once said, “Sometimes you make the right decision and sometimes you have to make a decision ‘right.’” When this man married he made the vow (whether he realizes it or not) to honor his spouse and love her “as unto the Lord.” Even if he no longer thinks he made the BEST decision in whom he married, his vow should be enough to motivate him to put his energies into making the decision “right” to honor her and put thoughts of anyone else out of his mind.

Ironically, what often happens in a case like this is that the person who honors their wedding vow— fighting against their feelings for “the other person” —eventually falls deeper in love with their spouse. It’s “amazing” how this comes about when their mind isn’t occupied with thoughts of someone else. It doesn’t happen every time, but even if it doesn’t, at least they’re living an honorable vow-keeping life (which our society needs to see more often).

To even allow the fantasies to take “seed” is dishonoring to God, the spouse, and to the honor of the person letting themselves entertain such thoughts, because it weakens their strength of character and dishonors the vow they made.

To sum up your question: Yes, a person can love two women. But when one person is a wife and the other is someone else, then the love for the other woman is wrong and dishonoring to everyone involved and needs to be thrown out from allowing it to grow any further — both in thoughts and in actions. That love needs to be stomped out like a fire that is causing damage.

When you see the devastation that is caused in the life of families that are torn apart because of infidelity, it’s difficult to imagine that anyone could justify their actions to the point to be involved with an infidel, even if they are “charming” or seem to be a victim in their marriage in some way.

Author Anne Bercht, often receives letters from “the other woman/other man” involved in adultery. And many times she writes them a response to their questions.

In the article provided below, Anne addresses three separate letters from women who wrote to her of their affairs, asking her for insights and assistance.

We believe you will benefit from reading what Anne has to say and gain helpful insights. It is posted on the great web site for the Beyond Affairs Network. Please click onto the link provided below to read this article:

• QUESTIONS ABOUT AFFAIRS FROM THE OTHER WOMAN

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

But no matter what you call it, it comes down to one spouse absolutely ripping the emotional heart out of the other spouse, destroying the faith, hope, trust, and security they once felt they had with the other one they thought was supposed to be their partner —their “soul-mate” for life. To minimize the pain involved is totally dishonoring and shameful.

Here at Marriage Missions we receive an enormous amount of e-mails on this very heart-breaking occurrence. And although we have had some men contact us that their wives have done this against them, the vast majority of them have been from women. These are women who are crying out for someone—anyone to help them experience any type of healing touch or any type of practical advice to help get them through this terribly traumatic time.

How much we would love to take this pain away from those who write! How very much we want to bind up their wounds and help them to begin to experience healing—if only! But we can only do what God gives us the calling and the ability to do. Steve and I aren’t marriage counselors—we’re marriage educators. We do what we can as God leads and empowers us.

God has given other people the ability to help them in other ways. We’ve come to know that He is ultimately the Wonderful Counselor and the Great Physician who is able to “do all things abundantly beyond all that we ask or think.” So to Him we bow and put our trust, that He will individually minister to those who reach out to us for help.

The following thoughts came to me as we received a letter from a grieving wife whose husband committed adultery and then minimized the pain by ignoring the enormity of hurt his wife was experiencing. She asks the question,

“What do I do after he’s done this to me and has told me to forget it? He won’t go for counseling and doesn’t want to speak about it. He said the past is the past. And yet I feel like I am stuck suffering this all by myself.”

It’s amazing the amount of letters we get that say similar things. The following is what I wrote that I pray in some way will help those of you who can identify with this woman’s plea for help:

Let me say at the outset how very sad I am for you that you’ve had to endure this pain. As a woman I can only imagine how deeply you must be hurting over this. God never intended this type of pain to enter a marriage. Marriage is meant to give us a sense of love and belonging as we entrust ourselves to each other with the guidance, grace, and leading of the Lord, to help us minister to each other’s needs. I’m so very sorry for sorrow you must be experiencing.

You asked about what to do if your husband won’t go for counseling even though he’s the one who committed adultery. If it were me I would run, walk, or crawl to get good Godly counseling on my own even if my husband wouldn’t go for it. There isn’t a door I wouldn’t open to get the help needed to get past this horrific emotional and spiritual injury. It’s terribly grievous that your husband won’t consider AT THIS TIME to go together with you, to get help from someone who is impartial, who can help you both work through this painful time in your lives together.

However, don’t rule out that he might reconsider his stand in the future. Your counselor may be able to eventually give you the right words and the right way to approach him so he would be open to it at another time. Your husband obviously doesn’t understand the depth of the injury he’s inflicted upon your spirit and upon your trust level.

Tragically, his level of understanding doesn’t seem to be something you can bridge right now. So just leave it at that. For right now YOU need to get the help that is needed. You can deal with this when you are stronger to do so.

There will be a time to deal with your spouse to come to a better understanding of what it takes to bring healing into a situation but I don’t believe that this is it—just yet. Go by yourself if you have to, with a wide open spirit. Right now it’s up to you to go for the help that is needed and let God deal with your husband.

You need to realize through all of this that as a wife you have been severely emotionally injured. And for that reason you need someone who can help you work through that injury in a way that can bring healing to your heart. You also need good counsel to help you put things into place so this type of thing doesn’t occur again in the future.

I hope that you will read everything on our web site that you can on this subject. If you use the search engine on the Home Page and put the word affair into it and hit Search you’ll have a lot of options that will come up for you to read. You might also want to read what we have concerning Marriage Counseling, so you can better seek what you need.

We also have other web sites listed on ours that can also help you in your quest and resources we recommend that could help you as well.

I pray you will become a student of this subject. “Seek, knock, and open” every door you can to find the help that is available so this doesn’t completely envelop and crush your spirit for the rest of your life.

Now that this has happened in your marriage you need to deal with it. It won’t go away. It’s not just your husband’s problem, it’s now yours too.

This has been thrust upon you so you need to learn how to work through this so you’re able to deal with it in ways that are healthy and won’t allow bitterness to take deep root into your spirit. If you allow bitterness to take hold you’ll continue to be injured over and over again by this for the rest of your life—not to mention the pain that others who know you will somehow experience because whether we acknowledge it or not we aren’t alone in this. We aren’t an “island unto ourselves.”

We have a lot of articles on our web site that deal with bitterness and forgiveness. I highly recommend that you prayerfully read them, asking God to help you to come to the place that you can live without being bitter.

That which hurts us inevitably finds a way of hurting others for generations to come if it’s not dealt with in a way that can bring good out of evil. God can redeem that which is used by the enemy of our faith to harm us. Just like it was with Joseph in the Bible who had others who hurt him, he was able to come to a place where he recognized that God was able to turn that which was evil into good to help not only him but many others. (See Genesis 50:19-20).

But sometimes you need additional help by professionals to work through it. This is a very complicated fallen world that we live in which sometimes needs more sophisticated ways of dealing with all that comes our way. Pray about what you ultimately need in obtaining help to get past this.

Is this fair that you’re the one who has to seek the counsel alone when this has been inflicted upon you by your spouse? No! It most definitely is not! And it’s especially unfair that your husband doesn’t see this. But nothing this side of heaven is fair. We have to deal with that which comes into our lives and this is one of those horrific events that has to be dealt with. I pray you’ll get the help that you need. The Lord wants to comfort and work with you on this. Please allow Him to do it through others that He wants to use for this purpose.

A couple of articles posted on the Beyond Affairs web site may be beneficial for you to prayerfully read through as well, since you are sensing resistance from your spouse in helping you to heal.  To do so, please click onto the following:

• What If My Unfaithful Spouse Refuses to Do Their Part in the Healing?

• What If My Spouse Won’t Discuss the Affair?

I’ve seen marriages completely turn around for the good, stronger than ever before, which have experienced the type of betrayal that you are living through. My own parent’s marriage is one of them. But without some outside help there may be deeper scarring that may occur which could cause the healing process to take longer and be more painful than it needs to be.

It’s kind of like performing surgery on yourself by trying to figure your own way of doing it rather than going to a skilled surgeon to help when you so desperately need the help. As much as it hurts when a surgeon does it, it can hurt much more when we try to do it on our own.

There are some things that happen to us in life that takes more expertise in dealing with than we have the ability to handle on our own. Just make sure that you go to someone who will invest themselves in trying to help you deal with this in a godly, scripturally sound way who is pro-marriage — not just neutral

Sometimes what appears to be an easier route for us to take really isn’t the best. The Bible tells us, “Everything is permissible —but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible—but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others” (1 Corinthians 10:23-24).

There are a lot of counselors—even Christians, who have the “bail out” mentality when the “mountain may appear to be too difficult to climb.” A good godly counselor truly knows the difference. They know that God can steer you over mountains that appear impossible if you have the tenacity and determination to put your hand into His and trust Him to give you the resources within and without to endure what you need to so that you come out on the other side with a testimony on your lips of the sovereignty and sufficiency of His grace and power.

The Bible (in 2 Corinthians chapter 4) says, “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.” I pray that God will shine His light upon you during this dark time in your life.

I also pray that you will find the strength that the apostle Paul was able to draw from in Christ (as the scriptures go on to say in that same chapter) when he said, “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; struck down, but not destroyed.”

He drew his strength from the Lord and that is my prayer for you—that you will eventually (with a lot of help both from God and from others) be able to turn your focus off of your pain and onto that which Christ will use to bring healing and wholeness out of the suffering and brokenness that you are experiencing.

You may say that you can’t afford a counselor. I’ve heard that so many times in so many ways. I’ve even said it so many times myself —to my shame. But I’ve learned so much by observing life through my own experiences and the experiences of others. I’ve learned that it’s not just what you’ve lived through that’s as important as what you grow through.

I’ve learned that as costly as professional counseling may get, it’s less costly than all of the hidden costs of divorce. It’s less costly than the bitterness that’s able to take root upon your heart and your spirit when you don’t work through painful experiences like this taking full advantage of the help someone else “with skin on” can give you. The Bible says, “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:14).

God said in the beginning that it’s not good for man to be alone. And yet from the beginning God was with man. How can that be discounted? It can’t be. God created us to be in fellowship not only with Him but also with other human beings. It’s a need within us that is ultimately filled with both a vertical as well as horizontal relationships. Sometimes God uses our spouse (which obviously isn’t the case in this incident because your spouse isn’t open to being used in this way at this point) and sometimes He uses others who He has appointed for your good.

At this point I truly believe that what you are experiencing needs the help of God through “others” such as someone who is more knowledgeable with this area of living to walk along side you in this very difficult journey. The cost may be high but not as high as it will be if you don’t take hold of this type of professional help.

I hope you know of a counselor or pastor who can be lead of God to walk you through this difficult situation. But if you don’t know of someone the ministry of Focus on the Family is wonderful in referring people, here in the continental United States, to guide you in getting help such as you would need. They’re a very helpful and compassionate ministry that has so many ways of helping people. You can contact them by calling 1-800-232-6459 or on their web site at www.family.org.

I truly pray that you will reach out for this help without delay. You have been injured deeply enough already. I pray you won’t prolong the pain that you’re already experiencing by waiting. Sometimes by delaying we make the recovery experience more difficult because the injury is able to deepen so that what it takes to get on the other side of healing becomes more painful and difficult.

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen” (Ephesians 3:14-21).

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

An affair does not necessarily foretell the end of a relationship. Dr. Phil McGraw has seven questions to ask to determine if your cheating partner deserves a second chance.

1. Is this an isolated event or a pattern?

2. Does your partner own his bad behavior or make excuses for it?

3. Does he have insight into how he’s hurt you or is he oblivious?

4. Is he sorry for his choice or sorry he got caught?

5. Is he willing to clean up his act, or is he in denial?

6. Is this out of character or does he have an insensitive gene? (Marriage Missions Editors Note: By this question Dr Phil is asking if the family has a pattern of infidelity in it, because as he said, family patterns can sometimes manifest themselves in future behavior of the children that grow up in it.)

7. Is this a legacy or new behavior?

The previous seven questions you asked of your partner.

One major question you have to ask of yourself is: If you reinvested in this relationship and allowed yourself to trust, and your partner cheated, do you have the depth and strength to recover from it, or would you be emotionally bankrupt?

Dr. Phil says this final question is the deal-breaker. If you can confidently say that you would have the courage to recover, you can move forward in your relationship with a spirit of optimism.

On his web site, Dr Phil www.drphil.com has other related information that he makes available to help with this type of situation. Even though this isn’t a Christian web site the information is helpful and for the most part it doesn’t conflict with Biblical principles. Just use the gleaning principle that is discussed in Marriage Message #252 if you question any of it.

You can see what else they make available on this subject by going to his web site and scrolling down to the other related links. You can do so by clicking HERE.

The Bible tells us to “Be alert” because the enemy of our faith wants to destroy us—which would especially involve destroying our “Christian” marriage! He knows that marriage is viewed by God as a living picture of Christ’s love for the church (as the Bible talks about all throughout it) and for that reason alone, he seeks to undermine and destroy this message of the love of Christ that God wants our world to embrace. As the Bible says, our “enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith” (1 Peter 5:7).

We need to wake up to the subtle attacks aimed to destroy the testimony of Christ and our marriages and work to protect that which is dear to God and should always remain near and dear to our own hearts—our marriage.

We can’t be cautious enough because of what’s at stake! You’ll rarely meet a person who, having been caught up in an affair says, “Yes, I was looking for someone to help me destroy my commitment to my spouse.” But you do hear repeatedly, “We never meant for it to happen; it just did.” That needs to be a warning for us ALL to build up hedges BEFORE anything has even a CHANCE of “happening.”

With that said, we’d like to share with you excerpts from the book by Jerry Jenkins, Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It. Please pay close attention to what he has to say (and then pick up the book to fill in the details not explained here):

NO ONE THINKS HE NEEDS HEDGES UNTIL IT’S TOO LATE. Sexual immorality hits frighteningly close to home. Without being aware of the need to protect ourselves against it, we are vulnerable.

Not long ago I reminisced with several old friends. What a shocking disappointment to discover that every one of us knew personally of at least one painful marriage failure due to infidelity. Even more appalling, nearly all of us could point to incidents among our close relatives. Can anyone still doubt that the sexual revolution has brought about an epidemic of divorce?

Try an informal survey of your own. Ask friends and relatives if they know people who have fallen to sexual temptation. And if the people involved were vulnerable, who else might be? Who will be the next one about whom you say, “I never would have dreamed he would do such a thing?” You know these people, and you have to wonder what made them fall. What made them vulnerable?

Just as it’s the “little foxes who spoil the vine”, (see Song of Songs 2:15) so the seemingly small indiscretions add up to major traps. John and Sue [a couple discussed in the book] allowed themselves to admire, like, respect, and enjoy each other without giving a second thought to the progression of feelings, the danger of developing emotional feelings, and the lure of infatuation. Their feelings and emotions sneaked up on them when they least expected it, and then it was too late.

There’s a new openness to interaction between the sexes in the workplace, in the neighborhood, in counseling—even in the church. Christians touch more, speak more intimately, and are closer to one another. There are advantages to this but also grave dangers.

One potential danger: It’s not uncommon in the workplace to meet someone with whom there seems an immediate bonding. You like them, they like you; you hit it off.

You can be married 10 years and still develop a crush on someone. You think about them, find yourself talking about them, quoting them (even to your spouse), and generally becoming enamored with them. This is the time to deal with the problem, because it can become a serious dilemma. This is the time to remind yourself that this is nothing more than an adult version of adolescent puppy love, and it will pass. It really will. The person is off limits, and you should run from the situation as from a contagious disease.

You may still see the person in the work setting, and you may still enjoy proper interaction with them. But ground rules need to be set. Never tell the person you are attracted to them. Talk about your spouse frequently in front of them. Tell your spouse about the person, but use your own judgment as to how fully to explain your dilemma.

When you first become aware of the impact the other person has on you, that is the time to move into action. Don’t treat your new friend the way you treat an old, respected friend. Refrain from touching them, being alone with them, flirting with them (even in jest), or saying anything to them you wouldn’t say if your spouse were there.

So, what could John and Sue have done [to stop the affair from starting in the first place]? Had either realized they were becoming enamored with each other, they could have shifted gears, gone into a protective mode, and saved themselves from ruining many lives.

If hedges are constructed early enough, preferably well in advance of even meeting someone else, they can be painless and can nip marriage-threatening relationships before they get started. That’s the reason we so desperately need practical suggestions on ways to build impenetrable hedges around our marriages.

Call it what you will, but a man with as perfect a wife as he could ever want is still capable of lust, and of a senseless seeking of that which would destroy him and his family. If he doesn’t fear his own potential and build a hedge around himself and his marriage, he could naively head for disaster.

Shall we all run scared? Yes! Fear is essential. “There are several good protections against temptation,” Mark Twain said, “but the surest is cowardice.”

Look around. Let your guard down, don’t remind yourself that you made a vow before God and men, don’t set up barriers for your eyes, your mind, your hands, your emotions, and see how quickly you become a statistic.

A man may say, “It could never happen to me. I love my wife. We know each other inside out by now. We’ve left the emotional infatuation stage that ruled our courtship and honeymoon, and we love God’s way: unconditionally and by the act of our wills. We each know the other is not perfect and we accept and love each other anyway. We’re invulnerable to attack, especially by lust that leads to immorality.”

But when—because he has not planted hedges to protect himself—he falls, his tune changes. Then his excuse is that he fell out of love, the old magic was no longer there, the wife was too busy with the house and kids, his needs were not fulfilled at home.

Worse, the Christian deserter becomes so infatuated with his new love that he often gives God the credit. Know a counseling pastor or a Christian psychologist? Ask him how many times he’s heard a man say, “This new relationship is so beautiful, God has to be behind it.” Never mind that it goes against all sense and every tenet of Scripture, not to mention everything the man has ever believed in and stood for.

A complex litany of events takes place between the vows and the adultery, and it behooves those of us who want to remain pure to examine those events, expose them for what they are, and either avoid letting them happen or avoid letting Satan use them to trick us into justifying our sin.

Once we’ve identified them, what will we do about them? Will we pray over them? Resolve to conquer them? Turn over new leaves? Ironically, the answer is easier than that. We are not to win, not to gain the victory, not to succeed by the sheer force of our wills, our consciences, or our determination. “Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22). We are to run. To flee. To get out. To get away.

So what is the solution when temptation rages? If we’re weak and haven’t taken precautions, if we haven’t applied preventive medicine, we have already failed. The only answer is to plan, to anticipate danger, to plot the way of escape. The time to build hedges is before the enemy attacks.

So, let’s start planting some practical hedges. Here are pragmatic ways to guard ourselves against our weaknesses. We can plant hedges only after we have determined where they must grow.

[Below is a list of hedges with a few points Jerry Jenkins uses to protect his own marriage. This is just an outline—you'll need to read the book for the reasoning's and details behind each one.]

Two’s Company; Three’s Security: HEDGE #1—Whenever I need to meet or dine or travel with an unrelated woman, I make it a threesome. Should an unavoidable last-minute complication make this impossible, my wife hears it from me first.

• “Unless I am alone with a woman [and that can include within your thoughts], I will not engage in immorality.”

• “Logic says that if I am following the biblical injunction to abstain from even the appearance of evil, I will also abstain from the evil itself. My philosophy is, if you take care of how things look, you take care of how they are.”

• “Where I work we have a tiny window in every office door. Were it not for those little windows, I would feel obligated to invite my secretary to every brief meeting I might have with a woman, or to keep my door open. I want the reputations of the woman, my employer, my wife, or my Lord—not to mention myself—even to be questioned”.

•”I included dining alone with my meeting and traveling prohibitions. I don’t know why, but there is something very personal and even intimate about eating with someone. If that weren’t true, why are so many dates centered on food?”

Touchy, Touchy: HEDGE #2—I am careful about touching. While I might shake hands or squeeze an arm or a shoulder in greeting, I embrace only dear friends or relatives, and only in front of others.

• “If I embrace only dear friends or relatives and only in the presence of others, I am not even tempted to make the embrace longer or more impassioned than is appropriate. I like hugging women. It’s fun, and it can be friendly. But if I allowed myself to embrace just anyone, even dear friends, in private, I would be less confident of my motives and my subsequent actions.”

Some Compliments Don’t Pay: HEDGE #3—If I pay a compliment, it is on clothes or hairstyle, not on the person herself. Commenting on a pretty outfit is much different, in my opinion, than telling a woman that she herself looks pretty.

• “As a hedge, I stop short of the purely personal compliment, because you can never be sure of the reaction. Some women would be offended at such familiarity, and men who talk to women that way tend to get reputations for it.”

•”There can be hidden unseen factors that men need to take into consideration when talking to women. We may innocently think it’ll make a woman’s day if we pay her a compliment that borders on the personal. But how do we know that perhaps the pleasure and romance and even the sex and ego strokes haven’t long since evaporated from her marriage? How do we know that she hasn’t been longing for just this sort of attention from her husband? How do we know she hasn’t given up on ever getting any more strokes from him, and that this very personal approach from us may reach deep needs of which she is hardly aware?” [And the same can be the reverse for the husband.]

Looking Down the Barrel of a Loaded Gun: HEDGE #4—I avoid flirtation or suggestive conversation, even in jest.

• “My dad, a police chief, firearms expert, and marksman, once told me that prayer is like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun. ‘You’re likely to get what you’re asking for.’ I put flirtation and suggestive conversation in the same category as a loaded gun. Maybe that’s because I believe in the power of words, written and spoken.”

• “Idle flirting gets people in trouble because the other person may need and want attention so badly.”

• “I’ve made it a practice—and can probably list this among my hedges—of not making my wife the butt of jokes. There are enough things to make fun of and enough funny topics without going for easy laughs at the expense of your spouse.”

Memories: HEDGE #5—I remind my wife often—in writing and orally—that I remember my wedding vows: “Keeping you only unto me for as long as we both shall live.” Dianna is not the jealous type, nor has she ever demanded such assurances from me. She does, however, appreciate my rules and my observance of them.

• “The sad fact is that there’s simply not enough emphasis on wedding vows anymore. We need to face it: this is one of the most significant problems in modern marriage”.

• “As we’ve seen countless marriages break up during our many years together, Dianna and I have talked seriously about this issue. Divorce is not in our vocabulary.”

• “Plant hedges wide and deep and tall against any weakness you may have. Remind yourself what price you’d have to pay for a brief season of carnal fun. We who have remained true to our spouses need to do something to ensure that we remain that way. That means working on our weaknesses, shoring up our strengths, pouring our lives into each other, and planting hedges. We must avoid the mess of adultery and divorce and the besmirching of the reputation of Christ. The time is long past for us to worry about people snickering at us for being prudish or Victorian or puritanical. Treat this blight on marriage as the epidemic that it is. Flee. Plant a hedge. Do something. Anything. Don’t become a sad statistic.”

Quality Time vs. Quantity Time: HEDGE #6—From the time I get home from work until the children go to bed, I do no writing or office work. This gives me lots of time with the family and for my wife and me to continue to court and date.

• “The only way to ensure a future with stable marriages and home lives is to begin strengthening our families now. Give kids a model of love and caring and interdependence. Show them what it means to make and keep a commitment, to set your course on a lifetime of love with no wavering, no excuses and no me-first philosophies.”

• “Make a decision. Set a course. Carve out the time it takes to devote to your wife and children, and plant a hedge that will protect you and her and them from the devastation of a broken home.”

SOMETHING WONDERFUL HAPPENS IN A RELATIONSHIP WHEN HEDGES BEGIN TO GROW. It’s crucial to understand that the hedges I’ve discussed have been my own, tailor-made for an over-sexed, gregarious, fun-loving, busy person who might otherwise follow his lusts, say things he shouldn’t, flirt, forget the most important person in his life, and not spend as much time with his family as he should.

Your weaknesses may be different. Some of them would make me laugh or think you’re a nut, as some of mine may have done to you. THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO KNOW YOURSELF, UNDERSTAND THE DANGERS IN YOUR WEAK AREAS, AND DO SOMETHING PRACTICAL AND CONCRETE ABOUT THEM.

To read this GREAT article:

PLEASE CLICK HERE

Whether one or both of you is in an unhappy marriage, there’s no excuse for being unfaithful. It’s a matter of integrity even if your marital partner isn’t a person leading a life of integrity. And even though it started out completely innocent and you “never meant for anything to happen” it still gives you no excuse to allow yourself to let your relationship continue on where you are unfaithful to your marital partner, or to someone else’s.

The workplace is becoming all the more the spot for infidelity to take place. People’s standards in this day and age are being lowered even more than years ago (or at least we’re hearing more about it) and they are giving themselves permission to do things that are wrong, all in the name of “love.”

To explain this further and give additional insights, there is an article posted on the web site for Focus on the Family that we would recommend you read. If you have comments to make afterward that would be helpful to others, please feel free to arrow back to our web site, and make them on the space provided below.

To read the article, click on the link provided below:

•  The Workplace Romance: The New Infidelity

1. The purpose of a business trip is business. Whatever the location of the trip, the purpose is still to conduct business. Hawaii may be the resort destination for 99.9% of the people on the airplane, but if you’re going there for business, don’t be swayed by paradise.

2. Know your responsibilities ahead of time. Ask beforehand about the goals and schedule for the business trip. Be aware before you leave of what you’ll be doing each day and what the business-related expectations are. Doing this will allow you to better prepare for your responsibilities regarding the trip. It will also alert you if your supervisor has other, sexualized, reasons for wanting you to come along.

3. Keep control over your personal time and space. A business trip may require you to be away from home for twenty-four, forty-eight, or more hours, but this doesn’t mean that all of those hours become the exclusive property of your superior. You should not be required to eat all meals with your traveling partner. You should never be required to entertain your opposite-sex traveling partner in your room, nor should you be required to conduct business in theirs. Often hotels will have work areas you can use, or they have no problem with you setting up an informal meeting in a corner of the hotel lobby.

4. Avoid loosening your personal standards because of an unfamiliar environment. Sometimes, when we’re far from home, we’re tempted to “loosen up.” If you would not allow certain behavior or speech from someone while at work, don’t allow it merely because it’s occurring away from the office. If you wouldn’t allow certain behavior or speech from yourself while at work, don’t allow yourself to engage in it merely because you’re doing it away from the office.

5. Stay connected to family. If you’re married, take a picture of your family with you. Whenever possible, call your family each night when you get back to your room. Because you may be hundreds or thousands of miles away from your family, remain connected to them by thinking about them, praying for them, talking about them. Remind whoever you’re traveling with, and yourself, of the other relationships in your life.

6. Be wise whenever you and your traveling partner have to be alone together. Maintain your professional demeanor. You may not be as high up in the company as they are, but you’re still a professional. Acting like one continually reinforces the message that to you this excursion is for business only.

Whether you are in a supervisory or subordinate role, God expects you to maintain sexual integrity. If you’re being pressured by a supervisor to have sex, do not give in. Never compromise your values, your morals, or your faith because your job is threatened. Trust God to protect you and to be with you as you confront your sexual manipulator. Trust God to take care of you if you determine it’s best for you to leave your job. If God expects you to symbolically cut off a hand or gouge out an eye so as not to sin (Matthew 5:29-30), trust him to sustain you if you have to give up a paycheck to keep yourself sexually pure.

[Marriage Missions editor's note: The book, Too Close to the Flame, gives many more details that you'll want to read concerning sexual temptations in the work place. However, we want to include one more section of the book that gives some wise guidelines that can be helpful in working with those who work for you (although we think these guidelines should also be applied, whenever possible, when working with any co-workers of the opposite sex).]

Be wise in how you deal with subordinates.

1. Avoid private, secluded meetings. Try, as much as possible, to let other people know when and where you will be meeting subordinates and for what reason.

2. Whenever possible, keep the door to your office open or ajar. Purposely choose to keep your voice lowered to minimize the chances of someone overhearing business you are talking about.

3. Whenever possible, include other people in your meetings. Not only will you cut down on the number of meetings, but you’ll protect yourself against either unfounded charges or unwelcome advances by a subordinate.

4. Avoid after-hours, solitary meetings with subordinate of the opposite sex. Conduct business during business hours. If you’re too busy to get to it today, leave it for tomorrow. You really should be home with your family anyway.

5. Make arrangements to have a witness. If you suspect a subordinate of being a sexual climber ["someone who is looking to control a sexual relationship for the relationship and the perks that go with it"] and find it necessary to conduct a personnel review or other meeting that needs to be private, instruct a secretary or coworker to make a prearranged entrance into your office. Later, if a problem arises, you will have a witness to the demeanor during the meeting in question.

Sound like a lot of hassle? You’re right, it is. But it’s nothing compared to the disruption of your life and career if you are targeted by a sexual climber or accused unjustly of a sexual overture. Honest coworkers and subordinates will appreciate your discretion, the maintenance of your personal integrity, and the care you extend toward them.

The bottom line in all of this is to maintain your self-control—your control over your self, your body, your person—in work situations. No matter who you are working for, you need to guard your personal integrity. This holds true twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year. God does not compartmentalize your life. He is just as concerned with your conduct at work on Monday as He is with your conduct at church on Sunday. Even when a manipulator beckoned him to her bed, Joseph knew he was God’s man, and he said so!

Fuel for Thought: Look over the following passages from Proverbs and relate them to conduct at work: Proverbs 10:9; Proverbs 11:6; Proverbs 11:22; Proverbs 12:13; Proverbs 12:26; Proverbs 16:23; Proverbs 16:30; Proverbs 18:7; Proverbs 20:17; & Proverbs 25:26.

MAY GOD GRANT YOU CLEAR VISION to see the way of escape he has prepared in work-related temptations. May he grant you protection from the schemes of evil people who plot to use you for their selfish purposes. May he bolster your efforts to maintain your sexual integrity as a beacon to others of your trust in him.

The above text comes from the book, Too Close to the Flame, by Dr Gregg Jantz with Ann McMurray, published by Howard Publishing Company. There’s a lot of material on this subject that we weren’t able to put into this article so you may want to pick it up for that reason.

In this book, Dr. Jantz bases each section on specific case studies and offers guidance in identifying sexual manipulators and climbers, spotting danger signals in friendships about to turn sexual, protecting family members from relatives or acquaintances who are sexual predators, knowing how to avoid sexual traps when advising church members, avoiding sexual pitfalls in professional and pastoral counseling, and more.

1. Is your spouse unaware of your opposite-sex friendship? __Yes __No

2. Would you ever behave differently around your friend if your spouse were present? __Yes __No

3. Would you feel uncomfortable if your spouse had the same quality of friendship with someone of the opposite sex? __Yes __No

4. Do you prefer to spend time alone with your opposite-sex friend rather than in a group setting? __Yes __No

5. Are you physically and/or emotionally attracted to your friend? __Yes __No

6. Is your friend someone you would consider dating if you were single? __Yes __No

7. Have you ever entertained romantic fantasies about your friend? __Yes __No

8. Do you ever compare your spouse to your friend? __Yes __No

9. Do you think about sharing important news with your friend before your spouse? __Yes __No

10. Do you and your friend ever exchange highly personal details about your lives or complain about your marriages to each other? __Yes __No

11. Do you often reference or talk about your friend with others? __Yes __No

12. Has your spouse ever expressed concern about your friendship? __Yes __No

13. Is your relationship with your friend ever a source of tension or conflict between you and your spouse? __Yes __No

14. Have you ever ignored or minimized your spouse’s requests to end or modify the relationship with your friend? __Yes __No

15. Have you ever deceived or misled your spouse about matters concerning your friendship? __Yes __No

16. Has anyone other than your spouse ever cautioned you about your opposite-sex friendship? __Yes __No

17. Do you do things with your friend that your spouse is unwilling or uninterested in doing? __Yes __No

18. Does your friend fulfill needs that you wish your spouse would meet? __Yes __No

19. Do you have unexpressed or unresolved anger toward your spouse? __Yes __No

20. Does your marriage lack intimacy? __Yes __No

If you answered, “yes” to one or more of the questions above, your opposite-sex friendship poses a real threat to the quality of your marriage. It may be in the best interest of your marriage to either significantly limit or actually end your close friendship. Be completely honest with yourself and your spouse and pray that God will give you the wisdom, discernment and courage to do what is best!

It is possible for married people to have healthy opposite-sex friendships. However, special consideration must be given to a number of factors that, if ignored, can potentially serve to threaten your marriage and seriously compromise your relationship with God. If you desire to make or keep your marriage strong, here are some tips for managing opposite-sex friendships in your life.

• Make your relationship with Jesus Christ your number one priority in life.

• Develop and consistently nurture a “best friend” relationship with your spouse.

• Develop and consistently nurture close same-sex friendships.

• Make sure your spouse knows your friend and is completely comfortable with the type and level of interaction you have with them.

• Honor your spouse’s wishes concerning your friendship—even if it means ending it.

• Avoid establishing close friendships with opposite sex singles.

• Avoid close opposite-sex friendships if you are struggling in your marriage relationship.

• Address unmet needs and unresolved anger in your marriage in an open, honest and timely fashion.

• Demonstrate a God-honoring character in all your relationships.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy— think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. (Proverbs 3:21-23)

The above questionnaire was written by Dr Todd Linaman. This document was used by permission from:

Family Life Communications Incorporated
PO Box 35300
Tucson, Arizona 85740

QUIZ: Relationship Vulnerability Map
-By Dr Shirley Glass

There’s no way to predict with certainty whether a specific couple is “affair—proof.” Responding to the statements below will help identify relationship vulnerabilities that make marriages susceptible.

Directions: Write the appropriate number to the left of each statement:

1 = No, disagree completely

2 = Yes, agree somewhat

3 = Yes, agree completely

N/A= Not Applicable

___ Our marriage revolves around our children.

___ For childless couples: We disagree on whether or not to have children.

___ My partner spends too much time away from home.

___ My partner rarely takes my side in anything.

___ We’ve grown apart.

___ I’ve felt alone and unsupported at times of loss or crises.

___ We don’t have equal input for important decisions.

___ We argue about the frequency of sex.

___ Our interactions feel more like a parent-child relationship than between equals.

___ We’re uncomfortable about exposing our inner selves to each other.

___ We sweep things under the rug, so we hardly ever fight.

___ There’s a disparity in how invested we are in the relationship.

___ I feel I can’t influence my partner to do what I request.

___ I don’t know if I really love my partner.

___ We don’t know how to repair after a conflict.

___ We don’t have much in common.

Scoring Key:

Add up your total number of points to interpret your relationship vulnerability score.

16 – 20 = A safe harbor
21 – 29 = Choppy waters
30 – 39 = Rough seas
40 – 48 = Watch out! You’re headed for the rocks.

Just as there are happily married people who are unfaithful, there are also many dissatisfied individuals who remain faithful because of individual or cultural factors. The Relationship Vulnerability Map is one component that should be considered along with the Individual Vulnerability Map and the Social Vulnerability Map.

When you are finished with the Vulnerability Maps, be sure to read the Vulnerability Map Summary. You can do this by clicking on the map or summary you’d like to look at. By doing so you will be led to the Shirley Glass web site at www.shirleyglass.com.

These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions from time to time, and they’re very, very tough ones! It’s difficult to even know how to start, but we’re going to attempt to do so, because it’s a situation that needs to be dealt with.

As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.

We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure, and then there are some things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.

Some things that are for sure are:

• The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop. God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).

• Each day can bring a new beginning. And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.

“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

• There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin, and yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:10).

The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair. Prayerfully consider what he advises:

“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”

“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”

“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”

You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.

On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.

There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.

You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article (we personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below). But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do (and don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life).

To read an article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley, please click onto the link provided below:

• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT

Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:

• WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR

To read through a Forum which comes from the 2-in-2-1.co.uk web site, please click onto the following:

• CHILD PRODUCED FROM AFFAIR WITH MARRIED MAN

Also, if you can give some additional information and insights
to help others who will be reading this article,
please share it in the comment section provided below.