Please click onto the following link to enjoy:

“THE WIFE SONG“

And now for the article:

What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife:

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question: What does a woman want?”

Well, Freud, may not have been able to identify the deepest needs of women, but modern research has. A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are: (1) to be cherished, (2) to be known and (3) to be respected.

• She Needs to be Cherished
“I can’t understand it, Doc.” Doug was talking before he even sat down in my counseling office. “Lisa has everything she could possibly need. She doesn’t have to work, she buys lots of clothes, we live in a great place, we take wonderful vacations, I’m faithful—but she’s miserable.” Doug shook his head and said, “I just don’t get it.”

We talked a bit more about his seven-year marriage and how he tried to express his love for Lisa. “I’m not the talkative type, Doc,” he said. “I show my love by providing the very best I can for her.” This poor husband didn’t realize that his love-starved wife would have traded all the clothes and vacations in the world for a little tenderness from him.

Without meaning to, a husband can completely miss one of his wife’s most important needs: to be cherished. This need is too often overlooked by husbands because we don’t feel the need for it as deeply as women do. But that doesn’t discount its validity. Your wife needs to be cherished.

She needs to know she is number one in your life. If it came down to an evening with your buddies or a night with your wife, she needs to know you would choose her—not because you have to, but because you want to.

What can you do to cherish your wife?

Consider how often you say, “I love you.”
Some men don’t feel the need to say it with words, but every wife has an insatiable need to hear it. Your wife also needs evidence that you are thinking about her during your day. A small gift or a quick phone call to say, “You are on my mind,” can mean the world to her.

As a man, you probably have no idea of the effect you can have on your wife by being gentle and tender, making her feel cared for.

…Does cherishing your wife mean sacrificing golf games, success at work, or nights out with the boys? Believe it or not, the answer is no. When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence.

Before Doug learned to cherish Lisa, she would complain about his fishing trips. In fact, Lisa wanted a separation because “standing by a lake was more important to Doug than I was.” But once Doug genuinely made Lisa number one, once he began to express true tenderness, Lisa pleasantly shocked him: “I’ll cover for you at the meeting next Thursday so you can get an early start on your fishing trip if you want.” Lisa made this offer because she now felt secure in her position of importance.

“To love and to cherish” is more than a phrase from your wedding vows. It is one of the most important needs your wife will ever have. By meeting it, you are sure to build a partnership that brings you both pleasure…

• She Needs to be Known
For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m a psychologist. I often spend my day doing just that with my clients. I know how to empathize with a person’s pain, to feel his feelings and convey understanding. But when it comes to my marriage, something makes me want to solve Leslie’s problems instead of understand them.

She will tell me about something and I will passively listen until I have heard enough and then, as if to say I’m ready to move on to other things, I will offer advice. I’ll lecture instead of listen. To this day, it often takes every ounce of self-control I can muster to bite my tongue and actively listen.

At least I’m not alone. Consider this fact: Men say three times as many words in public as they do in private, while women say three times as many words in private as they do in public. Women like to match experiences, to draw one another out, to volley in conversations. But when it comes to talking to their husbands, many women feel like the wife who told me, “Talking to my husband is like playing tennis with no one in the other court.”

To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.

Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times —or a comforting hug, a loving statement like “You are hurting, aren’t you?” or “You are under a lot of pressure, aren’t you?” Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions is the only way to meet her need to be known.

• She Needs to be Respected
Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.

Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.

There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife. To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights. I know a woman who, because of her upbringing, valued the tradition of having her door opened for her by her husband. She knew the custom was kind of old-fashioned, but it meant a lot to her, and she asked her husband to do it.

Her husband never took her request seriously. “You’re kidding, right?” he’d say. “Nobody does that anymore. That’s why we’ve got power locks on the car.” By laughing off his wife’s request, this husband weakened his opportunity to meet one of his wife’s deepest needs—to be respected.

Respecting your wife also mean including her in decisions. I am always amazed when I find a husband who wields all the power in a marriage and makes all the decisions, regardless of what his wife thinks. I have known men who will make decisions about relocating to a new job in another part of the country without even consulting their wives. I don’t know of a quicker way to tear down a woman’s sense of self and ruin the possibility of a happy marriage.

Build your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about.What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should.What would you like?”

Respect says, “I support you, you are valuable to me, and you don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman.

The above article is written by Les Parrott and comes from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, by Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Leslie Parrott www.realrelationships.com, published by Zondervan Publishing. As psychologist (Les) and marriage and family therapist (Leslie) who counsel hundreds of married couples, they have “learned that living happily ever after is less a mystery than a mastery of certain skills. Although married life will always have its difficulties, you will steadily and dramatically improve your relationship by mastering certain life skills.”

They’ve also written two workbooks as companions to this book, one for the man and one for the woman. “The twenty-one self-tests in the workbooks will help you and your partner put into action what is taught in this book. As an additional help, they have provided questions for reflection at the end of each chapter that are suitable as discussion starters for couples or small groups. Finally, if you would like to bring this program to your church or small group setting, a video curriculum is available, also entitled, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.

Security is More Than Finances

Although security is a very broad term and general in meaning, nevertheless, it is a woman’s greatest need. Whether a woman is growing up with her parents or living with her husband, she has the genuine need to be secure. A woman needs to know she is safe and well provided for in every aspect.

A wife’s basic need for security is satisfied by adequate protection and provision given by God through her husband. The husband must communicate four things to his wife to satisfy her need for security.

1. He Must Communicate That He Cares for His Wife Above Anyone or Anything Except God. When a woman senses her husband is preoccupied or detached from her in some way, she will immediately feel insecure. She wants to know her husband is tuned in to her needs and concerns. A woman can discern instinctively if her husband truly is caring for her properly.

The best way a husband can determine if he is caring for his wife properly is simply to ask her, “Honey, do you feel like I’m caring for you properly? Do you feel provided for and protected?”

If she says yes, he can know he is meeting her needs, but if she says no, then he should listen carefully as she explains why not. Most men are not preoccupied with trying to “get my wife off my back” and keep her from demanding too much, rather than being totally committed to meeting her needs, regardless of the cost.

A woman learns to recognize when a man is not really committed to caring for her. Her situation is similar to the man who has a selfish and greedy boss. All men want to get the most they can out of employment, and their employer holds the keys. If they work for a selfless and generous employer, they feel secure and optimistic. If they have a boss who is distracted, overly demanding, or selfish, they lose a sense of security and joy.

Your wife’s well-being and prosperity are greatly dependent upon you. She is very sensitive to your actions and attitudes for good reason. You need to understand and accept this. Consider what it would be like for a sensitive, caring employer to come up to you tomorrow and say, “You know, I’ve really been thinking about your lately. I wonder if there is anything I can provide for you to make your job more enjoyable. Also, am I paying you enough?”

That would be any employed person’s dream. Well, every woman’s dream is to have a husband who will manifest this same attitude. Regularly communicate to your wife that you are available and desire to meet her needs. Then, care for her. You will be pleasantly surprised by how well your wife responds to her new atmosphere of security.

A man often fears what his wife will do when he makes himself totally available to meet her needs. That is the last thing to fear. You simply cannot imagine what a woman will do for her man if he will envelope her in an atmosphere of total security by laying down his selfish ways to meet her needs.

Again, think about your employer. Wouldn’t you do more and sacrifice more for a boss who served you and cared for you sacrificially? Or do you think you would lounge around the workplace while ordering your boss around and abusing him?

Simply because you have become humble and have committed yourself to meeting your wife’s needs doesn’t mean you lose your authority or manhood. True and lasting authority is built, not broken, upon the foundation of sacrificial servanthood. It is leadership by example, not ego.

2. A Husband Must Communicate His Admiration and Love for His Wife. A woman can never hear too often how pretty she is or how much her husband loves her. A woman blossoms fully in an atmosphere of praise and adoration, but she wilts and dies in the presence of perpetual silence or criticism.

Although a man must speak at times some words of correction or displeasure to his wife, these words must come from a source the woman knows is supportive and friendly. When you praise your wife and convince her of your love in real ways, you have then earned the right to also correct her. However, if all you do is point out her flaws and bad point, your wife will become insecure and bitter.

Every woman is the reflection of her husband. Women reflect in their faces, attitudes and appearances how they feel about their husbands and their environments. When a man creates an atmosphere of praise and respect for his wife, it makes a noticeable difference in everything she does. She radiates and reflects love and respect from every area of her life.

When a man constantly criticizes his wife or makes her dig for shallow compliments, she will reflect her insecurity. Women naturally gravitate to people and places where they will receive compliments about themselves. Men do, also. For a woman to have to go outside her home to receive praise is an indictment on her husband. What often comes next is even more serious.

I (Jimmy) have counseled many married couples who have had affairs. Sometimes it is the man, and sometimes it is the woman. Although affairs are always sinful and devastating to a marriage, you need to understand what tempts a woman to have an affair. It isn’t sex. Women have affairs because they meet a man who will talk to them and make them feel special.

Women are turned on by men who compliment them and make them feel good about themselves. The best insurance a husband can possibly have that his wife will never have an affair is an atmosphere of praise and encouragement that he creates in which she can live. If he will do this, his wife will be drawn to him, and she will not be hungry for love when someone else comes along offering compliments and affection.

If he does not, although she may not participate in an affair, her hunger for love will cause her to wrestle with unnecessary temptations and fantasies. Here are some simple rules for praising your wife:

• Be sincere. Say good things you really mean, and say them a lot.

• Say something about every area of her life. Do not just concentrate on physical things, although she needs you to physically affirm her often. Compliment her mind, her heart, her character, her motherhood, her cooking and so forth. Let her know that you are totally proud of her.

• Never use sarcasm. Never compliment your wife in a backhanded manner. It isn’t cute; it will damage her spirit. For example, don’t say, “Hey, you have a great body —under all that fat!”

• Earn your words of correction. For every one thing you correct or confront, give numerous compliments.

• Praise your wife every day and never stop. Send cards, flowers, love letters, anything that will communicate your love and respect.

3. A Husband Must Communicate His Faithfulness. Whistling at pretty girls walking down the street is understandable for teenage boys, but it is inexcusable for a married man. Jesus said that if a man even looks upon a woman with desire for her in his heart, it is the same as adultery. Adultery is not simply a physical act; it is an attitude.

Many men have never slept with a woman outside of marriage; nevertheless, they may carry a spirit of unfaithfulness. Women can pick up on this immediately, and it makes them insecure. A man’s heart must remain faithful, not just when his wife is present, but also when she is absent. You need to communicate regularly to your wife that she is the only one you desire. You must convince her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you.

Unfaithfulness also is communicated by comparing your wife with other women. This is the kiss of death. Whenever you compare your wife’s anatomy, behavior, intelligence or cooking to those of another woman —especially your mother —you have made a big mistake. The only time to compare your wife with another woman is when you are complimenting her.

Another no-no is to habitually watch other women through magazines, television shows, movies or real life. Although you may think it is harmless, it isn’t. It’s the same as your wife looking at or talking about other men all of the time. It is dishonoring and sinful. In any relationship where one person is out of control in an area, the other person normally will compensate.

Men want their wives to be sexually responsive. Did you know that a dirty movie or other pornographic material is the very worst thing to use in an attempt to make a woman sexually responsive? When a woman feels you are looking at other women or have other problems with unfaithfulness, she will instinctively withdraw from sex to compensate for your problem.

When you demonstrate sexual purity and restraint outside the bedroom, your wife can be free and responsive in the bedroom. Your purity will provide the security she needs to actually blossom.

Also, a husband should never threaten to divorce his wife. Don’t even talk about divorce. Lose the word. Many married people discuss divorce as a threat to get the other spouse’s attention. The only one to profit from such threats is the devil. He loves divorce because it damages God’s creation so terribly. So, when divorce is even a remote possibility in your mind, the devil works overtime to make it a reality. Also, your wife will become insecure if you talk about it, especially if you use it to manipulate or scare her.

4. A Husband must Communicate His Dedication to Provide Financially. Finances are one of the most important areas of security for a woman. A wife needs the assurance that her husband is committed to providing for her financially. A man communicates his commitment to provide financially in four ways:

• Praying for God’s blessing and direction. A woman is tremendously comforted to know her husband is praying and seeking God for financial direction and provision. It also is very helpful when a man leads his wife in prayer when financial pressure comes. If he will, he can avert many problems from occurring in their relationship as well as invoking God’s blessing and provision. The old saying, “The family who prays together stays together,” is true.

• Aggressively seeking the best employment possible. Although we know that God is our provider, it still is important to knock on doors and seek opportunities.

• Being a hard and faithful worker. A wife needs to know her husband is honest, faithful and hard-working. When a man is dishonest, lazy or changes jobs too often, he violates his wife and makes her insecure. Even if it means foregoing some income or benefits, a husband needs to be careful not to sacrifice his wife’s security. This is very important.

• Being a wise money manager. When a husband is a diligent steward of God’s money, his wife feels secure. This is not a license to be stingy or unreasonable tight with money but an opportunity for managing the money and paying the bills. It is extremely important to your wife for you to manage the family’s money and resources wisely.

The above article comes from the book “Marriage on the Rock” written by Jimmy and Karen Evans, published by Regal. There is much more on the subject of “How to Understand and Meet Your Wife’s Needs” that we weren’t able to include in this article, as well as “How to Meet Your Husband’s Needs” and much, much more. As Jimmy wrote, concerning this resource:

“The contents of this book are a result of what God has shown Karen and me about marriage. In this spiritual education process, God healed our marriage and gave us a love for one another far beyond any we had ever known or imagined. Today, after more than 33 years of marriage, not only are we deeply in love, but we also understand how to stay in love. We have learned how to meet one another’s needs as we walk through life’s seasons and challenges.”

Cultivate means to make something grow, produce, and increase. Dr. Munroe says that the original assignment God left for Adam was for him to make the garden better.

In this, we men also find our assignment. God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden. Where has God placed you? Who has God placed you with?

As husbands, I want to encourage us all to cultivate our wives! Brothers, let’s rise to the occasion to help our wives bloom and blossom into something much more than they are today—that both their inner and outer beauty would continually increase.

And, I do not mean trying to ‘change’ her. But when a gardener tends his garden, he gives to it. He tills the soil; he waters it regularly; he doesn’t allow weeds to grow; he applies the right fertilizers (nutrients); and he kills off all harmful pests.

Because he loves his garden and wants its beauty to flourish, he’ll do anything it takes, and do it faithfully.

How can we cultivate our wives? I want to recommend something from Dr. Gary Chapman. In his book, The Five Love Languages (How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate). He encourages us to understand the “love language” spoken by our spouse. He highlights five ways people express and receive love:

• Words of Affirmation: encouragement through words (can be verbal or written).

• Quality Time: focused and intentional time spent together.

• Receiving Gifts: gifts are visual symbols of love.

• Acts of Service: doing something to meet a practical need for the other person.

• Physical Touch: hugs, rubs, kisses, strokes, and touch that conveys warmth and affection.

Dr. Chapman says that it’s important for us to know what our spouse’s primary love language is —and not to just use the expression that we naturally favor, but to relate to our spouse in the language that is their primary language.

Some ways you can discover your wife’s love language are: by observing to see how she expresses love; or by experimenting to see which of these expressions of love she best responds to when you use it on her. Another way is by simply asking (don’t be shy to ask).

How’s her love tank?
Dr Chapman also borrows a term from Dr. Ross Campbell, a child psychologist, who says “Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love.” This is likened to the oil tank in a vehicle. In order to run smoothly, it needs to be full and well maintained. The same is true for our marriages. How’s your wife’s emotional love tank?

Brothers, it might be time for all of us to check on that tank! It’s easy for us guys to get caught up in cars, sports, hobbies, and television. Hopefully, we are not spending more time on these than we are making deposits into our wife’s love tank! Chapman says that we can expect “people to behave differently when their emotional love tanks are full.”

Let’s really surprise and bless our wives by using her primary love language, filling up her love tank, and making a commitment to ourselves to cultivate her all year round!

Also commit to telling one friend about your cultivation pledge and plan. And, then call out the cultivator in him as well!

The above article comes from a Bless Your Marriage Letter (February 2006), written and compiled by Willie Quan. These short easy-to-read one page monthly newsletters are composed to encourage men as husbands. Each letter includes practical ideas, resources, and motivation to bless your marriage. As Willie says, “because life gets so busy, we so easily get distracted from what’s important to us —our marriages. So we need reminders, resources, encouragements, and even accountability.” You can sign up to receive these Marriage Letters by going to his web site at www.blessyourmarriage.com.

Willie Quan and his wife Elana live in the San Francisco Bay Area in California.

What a challenging command for a man! God commands us to imitate His Son, the ultimate Lover. We are to build our love according to His pattern, the pattern of self-sacrifice and utter submission to the wall of God.

How many of us can say that we have loved our wives as Christ has loved the Church and given Himself for it? Not many, if any.

I can almost hear you say, “You just don’t know how bad my wife is! I’m miserable. That woman fights me and belittles everything I try to do. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to love her—I want to leave her!”

I hear your protest and I understand your frustration, but you need a good dose of the truth: You will be leaving your greatest opportunity to turn a test into a testimony. Besides, O man of God, how can you leave your wife when you haven’t read the “trouble-shooting” instructions in the manual (the Bible)? Or have you already read them, but unlike Jesus, you have simply failed to obey them? In either case, you are still inexcusable.

The most challenging part of Ephesians 5:25 for most men is not just the loving, it is the giving. Men are masters at giving things. We give advice, we give provision, and we give sex. But we have big problems when asked to give ourselves!

Christ gave Himself. He gave us His attention, His affection, and His assurance. These gifts are often missing from under the tree every Christmas. You may be a master at giving things, but the real truth is that your wife doesn’t need more things—she needs you!

No matter how much you have given to your wife and family in other areas, you must gift yourself. Yes, you can make a difference. Just you! Your personal attention, your loving affection, and your gentle assurance can ignite the redemption of a destitute relationship!

If you haven’t given your wife these things, then look at your marriage from her perspective. You may be shocked to realize that from her point of view, she is the ox and you are the ass!

NOT EASY, BUT POSSIBLE
I want to confess that it is not easy to cover all the things God has put in my heart for you. But if you believe in the sovereignty of God as I do, then you know that God can make a bad decision turn out good. He can make a miracle out of mistake.

I also know that the yoke of marriage is not easy—or perfect. Marriage is simply the uniting of two imperfect people who are trying to build a perfect life in Christ. We’re guaranteed to find ourselves stumbling and falling along the way.

Yet the miracle of marriage isn’t found in the stumbling; we can manage that all by ourselves. The miracle appears in the rising, in the rebirth of love, in the rekindling of the flame, in an ability to forgive that stretches from the cross of Calvary to the creased sheets of the marriage bed!

Realize that I am as human as you are. I am neither perfect nor a pattern; I am just a brother raised up in the body of Christ to help fight the plague of pain. That plague may have dulled your eyes and attacked your heart, but by God’s grace and mercy, I am here to pray for you.

I am praying for your fears and inhibitions. I am praying for your frustrations and limitations. I want your house to be a home. I want your wife to be your friend. When you lie down at night and wrap your weary body in the soft sheets of your marriage relationship, I want you to be at rest.

My prayer is for your pain to diminish and your confidence to increase. May God give you the grace to leave your troubles at the office at the end of the day and bring yourself home at night. When your head hits the pillow and your arms reach out for love and understanding, may they be as open to give as they are to receive.

God has given you life, and you are alive. Share that life with the one He has given you—to love.

The above article can be found in the book, “Loose That Man and Let Him Go!” written by T.D. Jakes published by Bethany House www.bethanyhouse.com. This book is about restoring man to his God-given masculinity, strength, and purpose. It is meant to help men feel the gentle yet firm hand of Jesus helping them take hold of the limitations, bondages, and strongholds that have compromised men and locked them into experiencing unfulfilled desires and frustrated dreams.

Men must resist the cultural tendency to rate image higher than character. It is all too easy to be contented with keeping up an image while neglecting the essential disciplines that forge our characters. When we expose ourselves to the searchlight of God’s Word, there will be no room for pretense. As a husband and father, I am forced to recognize that “if Christianity doesn’t work at home, then it doesn’t work!”

The Bible is clear in declaring that if a man cannot take care of his own home, then he has no business endeavoring to take care of the church:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-for we are members of his body.

‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery —but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:25-33)

Have you noticed how fanatical some men become over their cars? They wash, polish, and pamper them almost continually. They drive them sparingly. They service them regularly to ensure they remain in tip-top shape. They don’t like other people tampering with them. In public, a man may refer to his vehicle as his “little beauty,” but he may also have a special name for his car known only to himself and the automobile!

These guys love to be seen in their cars, hoping to attract admiring glances. They can talk about them for hours, having memorized the details of the handbook. They park them in the remote corners of the parking lot to prevent dents from less concerned motorists.

Many of the men I have just described give more time and attention to the machines in their garages than to the women in their living rooms. Overstated? Probably, but is essential not to miss the point: The enjoyment we derive from something is directly related to the time and trouble we take to nurture and care for it.

I’m not suggesting that men treat their wives like cars! But I want to emphasize that when a man proves himself capable of displaying tender care toward his toys, he has no excuse when it comes to his relationships. It just doesn’t work when he tries to justify apathy toward his wife by claiming, “I’m just not put together that way.”

NOT THE EASIER ROLE

It is fairly common to hear people suggest that within marriage the husband has been given “the easy part of the deal.” Many men are quick to quote the passages discussed in chapter 4 regarding headship, authority, and the obligation for women to submit to their husbands. But they don’t seem as eager to recall Ephesians 5:25-33 (quoted above) or the admonition earlier in Ephesians 5 to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (v. 21).

Whenever I hear a husband “remind” his wife about his authority and her duty to submit, I know he is someone who does not understand the reciprocal nature of submission within marriage. Truth decay is already at work in such a marriage and will need to be drilled out and repaired if further deterioration is to be prevented.

Scripture provides no basis for concluding that all the privileges of marriage accrue to the husband while all the obligations fall to the wife. There is no doubt that some couples live as if that were the case, but such faulty thinking is in need of correction.

If a husband starts believing that his is the easier role in the marriage relationship, he should consider what it means to “love your wife, just as Christ loved the church.” While human men cannot match the degree of love Jesus displays (since His love is divine and infinite), they are to love in the same manner. Christ initiated love for the church, and His love remains constant regardless of the response He receives.

TAKING THE INITIATIVE IN NURTURING LOVE
Similarly, the husband has the responsibility of initiating, nurturing, and maintaining love within the marriage. The leadership vacuum within so many homes is largely due to the husband’s lack of initiative in providing love for his wife.

In far too many cases the wife has assumed the initiating role, not because she wants the position, but because she is afraid that the car is about to careen off the road, since her husband has vacated the seat or has fallen asleep at the wheel. A staggering number of men have gone AWOL when it comes to this. Whenever a wife is longing for companionship and intimacy elsewhere, the problem can usually be traced to the husband’s unwillingness to take the initiative in providing love.

EXERCISING SACRIFICIAL LOVE
The love of a husband for his wife is also to be marked by sacrifice. Jesus gave Himself up for the church, not on the basis of the attractiveness of those who became the objects of His love, but on account of His grace. God loves because it is His nature to so, and He has poured out His love into our hearts so that our love will be different from that of the world.

DWELLING ACCORDING TO KNOWLEDGE
In addition to Paul’s instruction to husbands, Peter has a challenge as well:

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7)

What does Peter mean when he calls husbands to “be considerate as you live with your wives?” Is he simply reminding men to be courteous—not to interrupt and finish her sentences for her, to hold the door open, to stand up when she comes into the room? These matters are trivial in light of the far-reaching instruction he has just given to the wives (1 Peter 3:1-6). So what is at the heart of this exhortation?

The literal translation is this: “Husbands, likewise dwell together according to knowledge.” The context of this statement is important. Peter has previously observed that before we were converted we lived in ignorance and followed our own evil desires (1 Peter 1:14). But as we experience new life in Christ, that previous way of living changes. Our thinking is now conforming to a different standard. Pagan lust is replaced by Christian love.

Previously we may have had the same outlook on marriage as any man on the street, but now our marriage relationships are raised to the standards set forth in the truth of Scripture. Therefore, we can live with our wives in the knowledge of the wonderful provisions God has made for us. We have knowledge of the clear parameters that God has established for marriage, so we can enjoy the unique purposes He has ordained for us as husbands and wives. In the knowledge of what our wives are by nature and by grace, our treatment of them should be marked by gentleness and honor.

DEMONSTRATING RESPECT
When I listen to a wife describe her husband’s diminishing care for her, she will often cry as she contrasts the early days with the current experience. The common story goes something like this: “When we were dating, and at the beginning of our marriage, my husband would watch out for me. I felt secure in his attention and affection. Now he usually ignores me, and I have no sense that he respects me at all.

At office functions, he puts on a good show and introduces me around, but I am very quickly forgotten as he impresses the crowd with his stories. When we get home, he is full and I am empty. Yet he is so insensitive that he doesn’t even notice.”

This absence of honor and respect will often be seen in the way the children treat their mother. While they have the capacity for disrespect without any coaching from their dad, the fact remains that the way in which a son addresses his mother will often be a direct reflection of the attitude of the husband for his wife.

“This is an attempt at preventive medicine. It is written primarily for those who are contemplating marriage from the vantage point of singleness, who are in the early stages of married life, or who have enjoyed a number of years of marital bliss and are tempted to conclude that this kind of material is interesting but undoubtedly irrelevant. However, it may also prove helpful to those who are already dealing with the effects of decay… In a sense, this book is, unashamedly, ‘Marriage for Dummies.’ It is a refresher course on basics, and hopefully you will find it to be much more.”

If we determine that we want our marriage to be one of partnership and to be the best it can be, we have to make the choices that will help that to happen. And when it comes to how we handle our friendships, the same “rule” applies.

“Each of us has a choice to make in terms of what we expect out of our friendships with others. You see, some may be content with just hanging out with the boys after a game. It’s fine just throwing the ball around, getting dirty, having some laughs, and then going home. For many that’s enough; that’s what friendship is. But if you want something more for your life, you have to go after it. You need to find people who are looking for the same.” (Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)

It’s true what the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 15:33:

“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’ Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning: for there are some who are ignorant of God — I say this to your shame.”

You can’t play with “fire” in going places and doing things with friends that can hurt your marriage and not expect for it to “burn” your marriage so it is severely damaged. If you have friendships that hurt your marriage, then you need to pull back from them, as difficult as that may seem. It’s the same principle as “cutting off the hand that causes you to sin.” One is a temporary hurt, and yet it eventually leads to a better end; and one leads to having you continually hurt your marriage which can cause it to break under the pressure.

Years ago I had a friend that enjoyed smoking. And that was fine for that friend. But when she kept trying to get me to smoke, and I determined in my mind that I didn’t want to end up a smoker, I had a choice to make. I could either keep up my friendship with this person and eventually become a smoker (because she wouldn’t stop pushing the cigarettes at me and I knew I would eventually give in to appease her) or I would cut off our friendship and find another friend.

As difficult as it was to cut off the friendship, I’m now glad I made that choice (especially as I see other friends who are struggling to try to quit smoking).

If you have a friendship that is hurting your marriage, you have a choice to make. Is this friendship more important to you than your spouse and is the vow you made when you married less important than your friendship, or what?

Sometimes we have friendships that are good for us “for a season” but then it’s time to move on from there because they just aren’t working anymore. A friendship is different than a marriage. With a marriage, you entered into covenant with your spouse and also with God. To leave that marriage for the sake of an outside friendship (no matter how strong the friendship bond was at one time), you are breaking a solemn vow. You need to realize that.

To help you further with this dilemma, we would like for you to read an article posted on the web site for the ministry of Family Life Today. To do so, click onto the link below:

• HOW A MAN’S FRIENDS CAN MAKE OR BREAK HIS MARRIAGE

What made this conclusion so hurtful in my case was the feedback I was receiving loud and clear from my husband merely reinforced a message I’d been getting all my life. It may have started with the mistreatment I suffered as a girl.

The dating scene where women are often treated like sex objects conveyed the same judgment. Then I felt much the same way when I became a pastor’s wife—a mere accessory to my husband’s career.

Whenever I remembered those life experiences, I kept picking up the same old underlying theme, in the background of my life: Holly is worthless. Holly doesn’t measure up. Holly is bad.

For so much of our marriage. I never even thought of myself in the context of value. My focus was not turned on me, but rather on my husband Randy—his needs, his job, his value, his present and future calling, and what I needed to do to help him get his work done. It took years for me to become painfully aware that my own feelings, my own opinions, my own fears and insecurities, my own personal desires and dreams, my worth as a woman with a good mind, good ideas, good intuition, and valuable skills had been lost and were not even part of the value equation.

I now understand that Randy didn’t set out to disregard me or discount my worth. He was oblivious to the fact that value was an issue.

Many couples whose marriages don’t survive find this value issue at the heart of the problem. In fact, I have in front of me a very sad letter from a man who admits he didn’t consider these questions until it seemed too late.

Only after his wife left him did he begin to understand her true value. He summed up his sense of loss in the following words that are part prayer-poem part heart-cry [which is based on the scriptures that tell us that we are cleaved together in marriage so when one of us leaves, one half of us is missing]:

O God, where is my right side?
The one that I fell in love with when I was young.

O God, where is my right side?
The one I married, the one you said was bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh.
(And I took for granted.)

O God, where is my right side?
The one who has the beautiful smile and laugh.
(I never told her every day.)

O God, where is my right side?
The one who wished to talk and wanted me to listen.
(But football games, friends, and family were too important.)

O God, where is my right side?
The one who wanted me to hold her hand and put my arm around her.
(Not just as a prelude to sex.)

O God, who loved you and prayed over our family.
(I didn’t lift her up in prayer or jump for joy when she felt your loving touch.)

O God, where is my right side?
The one who wanted to be a wife and mother.
(Not the breadwinner and part-time father who handled the bills alone.)

O God, where is my right side?
The one who finally got tired and left.
(Because I couldn’t or wouldn’t be the man she wanted me to be.)

O God, where is my right side?
I look for her in the now-empty recesses of my life.
(Not wanting to admit that I just didn’t value her the way you wanted me to.)

O God, where is my right side?
I know in my heart I found her once, in the wife of my youth.
And I know I can’t win her back without you.
So I pray for a second chance.

I hope that a spark of love she once had for me still burns
And I pray that the fire of our love might blaze once more
Ten times greater than before so that our lives together will be
A powerful witness for you. Amen.

How can she say I don’t value her? If you’ve ever asked that question, let me summarize and bring the heart of this discussion into focus by asking you a few very pertinent questions. Do you value her as a person or do you merely value her for what she does for you? Do you value her only because she is a good wife to you, a good mother to your children, a good homemaker? Have you given any thought to her value apart from what she does for you?

How much do you love your wife as a person? Enough? A lot? Immeasurably? Have you ever even thought about it?

So what does she want from you anyway? She wants you to:

• Affirm what she does, but more importantly,

• Affirm who she is.

• Receive and validate her emotions.

Submission is a choice we make. It’s something each one of us must decide to do. And this decision happens first in the heart. If we don’t decide in our hearts that we are going to willingly submit to whomever it is we need to be submitted to, then we are not truly submitting.

This may be shocking news to you, but an overwhelming majority of wives in my survey said they want to submit to their husbands. They want their husbands to be the head of the home, and they have no desire to usurp that God-given position of leadership. They know what the Bible says on the subject, and discerning wives want to do what God wants because they understand that God’s ways work best.

However, problems often arise in this area because a wife is afraid to submit to her husband for two reasons:

Reason #1: Her husband thinks submission is only a noun, and he uses it as a weapon.
Reason #2: Her husband has himself not made the choice in his heart to be fully submitted to God.

Okay, okay! I know that God did not say a wife needs to submit to her husband only if he proves to be worthy. Submission is a matter of trusting in God more than trusting in man. But a wife will more easily make the choice to submit to her husband if she knows that he has made the choice to submit to the Lord. It will be a sign to her that it is safe to submit to him. And the goal here is to help her, not force her, into proper alignment.

Many a wife has a hard time trusting that her husband is hearing from God if he doesn’t appear to be submitted to God in the way he treats her. Wives know that after the verse “Wives, submit to your own husbands” (Ephesians 5:22), the Bible says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (verse 25). Christ doesn’t neglect, ignore, demean or abuse the church. He doesn’t treat her rudely or disrespectfully. He never acts arrogantly or insensitively toward her. Nor does He criticize her and make her feel she is not valuable. Rather He loves her, protects her, provides for her, and cares for her. So while God gives the husband a position of leadership in relationship to his wife, He also requires the price of self-sacrifice from him.

When Wives Hold Back
The big question in many women’s minds is, “If I submit myself to my husband, will I become a doormat for him to walk on?” The answer to that question depends entirely upon whether her husband believes he should love his wife like Christ loves the church and willingly sacrifices himself for her – or thinks that submission is a noun and that it is something owed him. In other words, does he only consider his desires and opinions, to the exclusion of hers?

A wife has a hard time giving her husband the reins to her life if she doesn’t believe she can trust him to have her best interests at heart as he steers the course of their lives together. She has trouble going along with his decisions when he refuses to consider her thoughts, feelings, and insights on the subject. And if she has submitted to a male in the past and her trust was violated in some way, it is even more difficult for her to trust now.

On the other hand, a woman will do anything for a man who loves her like Christ loves the church. Submission is easy under these conditions. I know a number of women who are married to unbelieving husbands and who have no problem submitting to their husbands, because in each case the husband loves his wife like Christ loves the church, even though he doesn’t know Christ.

Too often people confuse “submit” with “obey.” But they are not the same thing. The Bible gives commands about obeying other people only in regard to children and slaves, and in the context of the local church. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1). “Bondservants, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh” (Ephesians 6:5). “Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account” (Hebrews 13:17). Since a wife is neither her husband’s child nor his servant, and the local church isn’t part of a marriage, the word “obey” has no application to the relationship between a husband and a wife.

Submission means “to submit yourself.” In light of that, when a husband demands submission from his wife, it is no longer true submission. And his demands can become intimidating and oppressive, which breeds resentment. When a husband is more interested in his wife’s submission to him than he is in his own submission to God, then submission becomes a tool to hurt and destroy.

I have seen too many marriages between strong Christian people — high-profile Christian leaders, in fact — end in divorce because the husband demanded submission and resorted to verbal or physical abuse in order to get it. My husband has even counseled men like that, men who refused to hear that losing their family was a horrible price to pay for being “right.” How much better it would have been for the husband to submit himself to God’s hand and then pray for his wife to be able to come into proper order. This kind of situation occurs far too often.

When we submit to God, He doesn’t suppress who we are. He frees us to become who we’re made to be, within the boundaries of His protection. When a wife submits to her husband, she comes under his covering and protection, and this frees her to become all God created her to be. Trust me, you want that for your wife. Her greatest gifts will prove to be your greatest blessing.

If you feel that your wife is not submissive, pray for her to have a submissive heart, first toward God and then toward you. Then ask God to help you love her the way He does. I guarantee that you will see her submission level rise in direct proportion to the unselfish love you exhibit for her. And let her see that you are seeking God for guidance. If she knows that you are asking God to show you the way, she will follow you anywhere.

Please pray for your wife that:

1. She will understand what submission really is.
2. She will be able to submit in the way God wants her to.
3. You will be completely submitted to God.
4. She will trust God as He works in you.
5. You will take your position as spiritual leader.
6. She will trust you to be the head of the family.
7. Submission will not be a point of contention in your marriage.

PRAYER POWER: Lord, I submit myself to You this day. Lead me as I lead my family. Help me to make all decisions based on Your revelation and guidance. As I submit my leadership to You, enable (wife’s name) to fully trust that You are leading me. Help her to understand the kind of submission You want from her. Help me to understand the kind of submission You want from me. Enable me to be the leader You want me to be.

Where there are issues over which we disagree, help us to settle them in proper order. I pray that I will allow You, Lord, to be so in control of my life that my wife will be able to freely trust Your Holy Spirit working in me. Help me to love her the way You love me, so that I will gain her complete respect and love. Give her a submissive heart and the faith she needs to trust me to be the spiritual leader in our home. At the same time, help us to submit “to one another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21). I know that only You, Lord, can make that perfect balance happen in our lives.

The above article comes from the book, The Power of a Praying Husband, written by Stormie Omartian, published by Harvest House www.harvesthousepublishers.com. This book has 20 short, easy-to-read chapters which share how you can intercede for your wife in areas where she longs for your prayers. There is also advice, personal stories from well-known Christian men, and words from Scripture that will also help you in praying for your wife.

A husband cannot bless his wife more than by loving her as a gift from God. Husbands who faithfully ask God for marital direction are rare indeed. As men, we often fail to recognize marriage as a covenant with our mate and with God.

THE MARRIAGE COVENANT
When a man marries, he makes a commitment, or covenant, with God and his wife to (1) oversee his family in order that they might reflect the image of God properly, (2) raise his children to love and follow the Lord, and (3) provide leadership in reigning over what God gives him. As God’s man, the husband is to be responsible to God for his wife and family.

Our Lord Jesus talked plainly about a man’s marriage covenant:

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19:6).

I feel deep fear in my heart when I think of men, especially Christian men, who break this covenant. Divorce is not God’s will. It’s always a poor solution with tremendous negative ramifications. Below is a vivid description of how God feels about a husband’s breaking that marriage vow through divorce.

The Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself [or his wife] with violence as well as with his garment,” says (Malachi 2:14-16). the Lord Almighty. “So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith”

God Himself is a witness and a participant in the covenant a husband makes with his wife. No man can break that covenant and be led by the Spirit of God. God not only hates divorce, but He will judge the one who does the wrong in the divorce. God considers a man’s responsibility toward his wife as a covenant with Him. He gave marriage to man as a blessing; therefore, the husband is responsible to be faithful to that covenant, no matter what the cost.

It is much more difficult to raise up godly offspring when there has been a divorce. God not only hates divorce because oneness is destroyed, but because children are irreversibly affected. Oneness is broken in divorce, resulting in great pain to both the couple and the children.

God takes His covenants seriously, and marriage is a covenant. If you want to be characterized as a great husband, put away any thoughts about divorce or finding a better mate. Place your faith in God and commit yourself to sacrificial love that will, over time, soften even the hardest heart.

If You Have to “Tough It Out”
James offered several instructions about responding to tough trials in James 1:2-7. Later he described godly responses to disagreements.

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls. But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves (James 1:19 -22).

Based on James’ advice, here is a helpful list to remember during trying times in marriage. If there is a battle in your marriage, take note of the following:

1. Don’t react, but listen to your wife.

2. Don’t speak too quickly; wait for your emotions to subside.

3. Don’t explode in anger; nothing good ever comes from outbursts of anger.

4. Stop your immoral involvement such as lying, cheating, bad language, pornography, and so on.

5. Seek counsel if any of the above points (1-4) have become negative behavior or habits.

6. Humbly study God’s Word for the answers to your problems, seeking counsel when necessary.

7. Act on your faith, not on your feelings.

8. Boldly believe God, regardless of your wife’s response. This may include renewing your covenant with your mate. James 5:16 contains two final points of instruction:

“Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another.”

9. Confess your sins to your wife so both of you can be emotionally healed.

10. Pray earnestly. God has the ability and desire to change your life, motivate your wife, and remove your fears.

The sovereignty of God can motivate us as husbands. Just think: God is a partner with you in your marriage. That should inspire you to serve and please Him. Be aware that your marriage is part of God’s eternal plan. You have entered into a marriage covenant, or agreement, and God is a partner with you.

The above article comes from the book, 2 Becoming One by Don and Sally Meredith, published by Christian Family Life, Inc. In this book Don and Sally share time-tested principles and practical insights that will help you build a Christ-centered marriage. You’ll learn: The 6 reasons marriages fail, God’s three purposes for marriage, the two forces for change in a marriage, how to end the insult-for-insult cycle, and much more!

Don and Sally Meredith are marriage counselors who have taught relationship principles for married couples, parents, and adult singles for over 30 years. In 1971, they founded Christian Family Life, to further the training of lay people, and in 1976 co-founded the FamilyLife Ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.

Cindy of Princeville gave great wisdom in her survey response. She said, “If I’m crying, hug me. If I’m laughing, hug me. If I’m doing the dishes, hug me. If I turn away from your hug, especially then, hug me!”

When a wife is hardest to love, chances are this is when she needs it the most. When I was trying to explain this to Art, I knew I needed a word picture to help him understand. As I thought about what example I could use to help him get what I was saying, I decided to compare my emotional needs to his sexual needs.

Sex —now this is something most husbands understand. At least they understand their need for sexual intimacy on a consistent basis. I know that if I am not meeting Art’s intimate needs, he’s more likely to be tempted in this area. If Art is not meeting my emotional needs, then I am more likely to be tempted in the emotional area. I am likely to struggle with insecurity and doubt in the authenticity of his love, if he is not making an effort to fill me emotionally. Granted, my ultimate significance comes in my relationship with the Lord, but as Art needs me sexually, I need him emotionally.

This is where the dilemma often occurs. By the time I am emotionally needy, I am usually hard to love. I need Art to fill me emotionally like my physical body needs to be filled with food. If I feed my body on a consistent basis, then I have energy and I feel able to function. If, however, I starve my physical body, then I feel cranky, lethargic, and unable to exert energy.

Think about how you feel when it has been too long since you and your wife connected sexually. This is how she feels when it has been too long since the two of you have connected emotionally. She will be starving emotionally and likely exhibit the same symptoms I described when a body is starved for food. She’ll be cranky and a little hard to love. But this is when she needs your love the most.

Ephesians 5:25-27 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”

Just before these verses Paul (author of this book of the Bible) tells wives to obey their husbands (verse 22). The NIV Life Application Study Bible says this in the commentary on these verses:

Paul devotes twice as many words to telling husbands to love their wives as to telling wives to submit to their husbands. How should a man love his wife? (1) He should be willing to sacrifice everything for her. (2) He should make her well-being of primary importance. (3) He should care for her as he cares for his own body. No wife needs to fear submitting to a man who treats her in this way.

Christ loves the church with “agape” love. This is pure, unconditional love. It is a love based on the decision that no matter what, be she sweet or be she cranky, you choose to love her. This love pursues its bride. This love actively seeks to know how to love her. This love gives and does even when it’s tired and doesn’t feel like giving or doing. This is the love that drove Christ to do what He did for the church, even unto death. This is how God calls a husband to love his wife.

Kay Arthur, in her book A Marriage Without Regrets, writes:

And how did Jesus love the church? He humbled Himself, girded on a towel and washed filthy feet, that she might be “cleansed by the washing of water with the word.” He offered His flesh to be torn by evil men that she might be without “spot or wrinkle or any such thing.” He died on a cruel cross that she might be made holy and blameless.

O, beloved, our Lord loves us warts and all! Unconditionally, sacrificially, patiently, enduringly, and endearingly. God forgives and does not forsake. Read the gospels and see Him in action; read the epistles and see Him explained. Then you will know how a husband is to love his wife. …Can you imagine what would happen throughout the homes of [the world] if husbands would begin to love their wives in this agape way? Can you picture what would happen to the divorce rate? It would plummet like the stock market did in the Great Depression—only instead of depression the great boom this [world] has ever known would arise.

Easy? Not at all. Is it worth the effort? Absolutely. There will be days when loving her takes every ounce of courage and strength.

Let me leave you with the words the Lord gave to Joshua as he was about to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land. He too was overwhelmed. He too felt inadequate—maybe just like you. But he was successful because he kept these words of his God close to his warrior heart:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified: do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: I can do everything through Him who gives me strenth (Philippians 4:13).

The Apostle Peter wrote: “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”

And a familiar verse that could go along with that one is in Ephesians 5: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.”

Some of us have heard these verses so many times they don’t really register much any more. But what does it mean to live with your wife in an understanding way? What does it mean to love her as Christ loved the church? If you aspire to be the spiritual leader in your home, are you really caring for your wife’s spirit as if Jesus was in your home ministering to her spirit? The implications of these verses are staggering to me.

A few years ago I had an opportunity to interview Coach Bill McCartney, the founder of Promise Keepers, the Christian men’s movement. He was formerly the head football coach at the University of Colorado, and led his team to the national championship in 1990.

I asked him about his transition from coaching to leading Promise Keepers. He said, “My last year as a coach was in 1994. My team was undefeated and was ranked third in the nation—we had a great team. The pastor in our church said, ‘We’re going to have a visiting preacher next week. And he’s coming with the single-most important thing he’s learned in 41 years of preaching.’

“And I wondered, what could be the single-most important thing?”

“So here’s what this preacher said: ‘Do you want to know whether a man has character or not? All you have to do is look at his wife’s countenance, and everything that he’s invested or withheld will be in her face.’”

“I turned and looked at my wife, Lindi,” McCartney said. “I didn’t see splendor. I saw torment. I didn’t see contentment —I saw anguish. And I tried to defend myself to myself but I couldn’t. That’s really the reason I stepped out of coaching. I realized that before God I was a man without character.”

I have to admit my wife Sally has a very expressive face. So I usually know if there is something wrong in our relationship right away. And there have been times in our marriage when her countenance spoke volumes about my care for her as a husband.

My wife and I have a pretty good marriage. In spite of my selfish qualities, Sally is very encouraging and supportive of me, and I think she would say we have a good marriage. Looking from the outside, some might think we have a picture-perfect marriage, but I’ve come to believe we’re falling short of what God is really intending for us.

I want to be able to look at my wife and see what McCartney did not see—a radiant countenance —because I’ve really cared deeply for her spirit and nurtured her just as if Jesus was in our home ministering to her spirit. In Ephesians 5 Paul says that Jesus laid down his life for the church to present the church holy, so a husband should lay down his life to present his wife holy. That’s the ultimate goal.

But laying down your life doesn’t necessarily mean falling on a grenade for her. It means putting her first in the marriage, trying to meet her needs even before your own needs, and giving her opinions value and priority over your own.

Ken Nair’s book, “Discovering the Mind of a Woman,” deals with many of these issues in a straightforward, biblical fashion. Nair, the founder of Life Partners www.lifepartners.org in Phoenix, Arizona, has discipled more than 500 men about how to be Christ-like husbands. In his book, he identifies what he calls four male prejudices: First, women are difficult if not impossible for men to understand. Second, women are the real problem in the marriage relationship. Third, men are supposed to be “The Boss.” And lastly, as a ‘helpmate,’ women are inferior to men.

Let’s consider the role of your wife as a helpmate. “As men, we readily classify women as helpmates,” Nair writes in his book. “It allows us, even biblically, to have an on-site mate whose job is to grab the other end of the two-by-four for us.” As it applies to marriage, I always thought it meant someone whose job it is to raise the children, to do the cooking and housework, like laundry and ironing and dishes and cleaning floors and windows. With two teenage boys in our house, you can’t imagine the piles of laundry my wife Sally ends up doing.

Nair maintains that the word helpmate has been misunderstood and misinterpreted by many Bible teachers, and he asks men at his conferences to follow this line of reasoning. He says, “Let’s go back to the beginning of time. God has just created Eve and named her ‘helper.’ Were there any children for Eve to raise?”

“The guys say, ‘No.’” “Were there any houses? Again, “No.” “Were there any clothes to launder?” “No.” “Any dishes to do?” “No.”

Well then what did God have in mind? In Dr. Frank Seekin’s book, “Hebrew Word Pictures,” he studied the most ancient form of the Hebrew language. The Old Testament, of course, is written in Hebrew, but the most ancient Hebrew form doesn’t look like the modern letters, it more closely resembles Egyptian hieroglyphics, where little pictures are used to describe a word.

For example, the word for shepherd shows three pictures: a head, an eye, and a window. Together they reveal the shepherd as a person who is looking out the window or one who watches intently over his flock.

The Hebrew word used in Genesis 2:18 for helpmate is ‘ezer,’ composed of two word pictures: an eye, and a picture of someone with a hatchet representing ‘the enemy.’ A literal interpretation means ‘one who sees the enemy.’

In Hebrew there are two words used for helper. One of the words, ‘eved,’ does mean servant, but that’s not what God used in Genesis 2:18. He used a word that has a more powerful meaning. That word reveals the wife is not a servant, but an ally with a special role in the battles her husband will face in life. She is literally one who sees the enemy her husband can’t see.

God has given your wife an intuition you don’t have. She is like a second set of eyes that can see danger, can add depth perception. She can warn you about dangers outside the camp, or dangers right inside their own home. She can warn you about dangers within yourself.

Because of my pride, stubbornness and selfishness, I’m often blind to these dangers. I usually sleep pretty soundly at night. But my wife Sally is often awake, processing in her mind all these potential dangers, problem areas lurking within and without, inside the home and outside the home. And my tendency as a man is to downplay some of her warnings, to think she’s getting carried away with things.

The hardest thing for my ego to accept is when her finger is pointing at me —when I have to recognize the problem is within me. Then I have to swallow hard. I have to get past my tendency to see her intuition, which leads to constructive criticisms of me —as nagging.

As hard as it is for me to accept, I’ve got to accept that this is an important part of her role as a helpmate. Ultimately she is a big part of the sanctification process for me —to help me die to my old self, and become more and more like Christ in our home, a major point reinforced in Nair’s book.

The same Hebrew word translated helpmate is used in Psalm 133:20: “Our soul waits for the Lord: He is our help (helpmate) and our shield.”

It’s pretty clear God is not our servant, but he is our ally in a powerful way. He is mighty in battle, and he designed a woman to be at your side to help you in the battles of life.

What about the idea that the man should be the leader of the home? I, for one, fully accept this ideal for Christian marriage. But what does it really mean to be the spiritual leader of my home?

In his book, Ken Nair makes the point that Philippians 2 is not usually cited in connection with a husband’s role in marriage, but it should be taken seriously in the context of marriage:

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross!”

This is the model of Christian leadership—servant leadership empowered by the sacrificial love of Jesus. There is a mutual submission to the Lord and to one another. While there’s a part of me that kind of relishes the idea of being an autocratic ruler, I’ve been forced to accept a different conclusion.

“My experience has been that when a man makes a commitment to step down from his ego-controlled throne, and yield his throne to Christ, there is a remarkable change in the dynamics of his home,” Nair writes. If I’m willing to die to my old self with its selfish attitudes, critical attitudes, and controlling attitudes—to purge myself of these un-Christlike attitudes and behavior—then I’ll be ready to assume real spiritual leadership in my home.

God cares a lot more about me becoming Christlike than whether I’m ruling over my household as king. Proverbs 20:28 says, “Mercy and truth preserve the king, and by lovingkindness he upholds his throne.” I need mercy, truth, and loving kindness to be the leader he’s called me to be.

In Nair’s book he tells the story of a wife who was suffering severe fainting spells. To keep her from getting hurt, someone had to be with her constantly to catch her. She couldn’t drive her own car, go grocery shopping, and prepare dinner, or almost anything by herself. When she and her husband came into Nair’s office for counseling the wife was a nervous wreck.

It soon became obvious she could do nothing to satisfy her husband’s controlling personality and his demands for perfection. He questioned the wisdom of her purchases at the grocery store. He criticized her choices for meals and even how she set the table. He constantly reacted negatively to her decisions.

She felt she couldn’t do anything right. Nair concluded that she was so uptight about being a failure in his eyes, that rather than face his emotional rejection from another wrong decision, her body would compensate by fainting.

He profiles another case of a medical doctor’s wife who was suffering unexplained hair loss. They had two children, and he was so busy with his medical practice, that he seldom was around to help with the children. She was expecting their third child, which was an unplanned pregnancy.

She was struggling emotionally with her attitudes toward the third pregnancy and anger toward her husband, because he always seemed to be too busy for her or the children, which made her feel isolated, unimportant, and lonely. It seems that her emotional struggles were causing her to lose her hair.

He profiles another woman he labels the “dying inside wife,” who was taking medication for depression. Her husband maintained a consistent pattern of indifference toward her, which felt like personal rejection and led to a wounding of her spirit.

She too began to experience physical symptoms from her emotional wounding. Both the husband and her friends began to be concerned about her emotional stability, and wonder how the husband could be so patient and tolerant living with such a troubled person.

While the husband was seen as stable, she was seen as unstable. This rejection by her friends only increased her guilt and sense of despair.

Now I’ve just cited a couple of somewhat extreme examples, and I know that many women are suffering silently with symptoms that are not as obvious. What is the answer for these three women? Is it Zoloft, Paxil, or extensive Christian counseling?

In one or more of the cases cited in Nair’s book, the husband has the disease, but the wife is taking the medication. “The wounded spirit is the cause of the physical symptoms, and you can not medicate the spirit of a person,” Nair writes. The drugs will not work if one is dealing with spiritual woundedness.

In each case it’s the husband who needs to learn what it really means to live with his wife in an understanding way, how to minister to his wife’s spirit as if Jesus was living in the home, how to love his wife in the same way Christ loved the church.

If you really want to be the spiritual leader of your home, these are the things you need to do—these verses in 1 Peter and Ephesians 5 are not just suggestions for husbands to follow.

Nair has counseled more than 500 couples and his conclusion is that in most cases where the wife suffers emotional problems or depression, the husband is the root of the problem. And he is astounded at how many men don’t have a clue that they’ve created many of their marriage problems.

Many men react to Nair’s counseling advice with denial, saying: “I’m not going to take the blame for what’s wrong with our marriage. If you knew my wife, you would see she had these problems long before I met her.”

“Granted. But let me ask you how long have you been married?” Nair replies. “When I ask that, husbands may say, ‘Ten years,’ with a puzzled look on their faces, wondering why I asked the question.”

“Okay, you’ve been married ten years. Has your wife gotten better or worse since you married her?” Nair asks. “Without fail, the husbands reply, “Worse.”

“If you are the spiritual leader in your home, and the job of a spiritual leader is to bring the one you are responsible for to spiritual maturity, then why has your wife gotten worse instead of better?”

Remember one of the prejudices of most men is they think it’s impossible to understand women. Then how can I live with my wife in an understanding way? How can I relate to her emotional world when I can barely identify my own emotions?

It’s said that researchers have identified some 2,000 emotions, but most men can only identify three. The three most commonly identified by men are indifference, anger, and humor. And yet God’s picture in the scripture of what a real man looks like is King David. He was a man’s man.

In addition to being a warrior who was mighty in battle, he was also a singer, a poet, and a musician. You see the depths of his emotional world revealed in the psalms. He felt a lot more than three emotions. He was not cold and indifferent about the human experience. He was passionate about God. He was passionate about life.

I’ve written previously about the dangers of pornography, and one of the things I’ve cited is that men who are exposed to this material at an early age, as I was at age 10, become stunted emotionally to some extent. Most men have difficulty relating to their emotions. For men exposed to pornography, it’s an even greater challenge.

I talked with the director of “Be Broken Ministries,” Jonathan Daugherty, who deals with sexual addiction and he told me he sees many middle-aged men who are teenagers emotionally. “They can be 40-years-old, but they’re 13-years-old emotionally. Their wives are dying inside because their husbands can’t connect with them,” he says.

In my accountability group for men one of our exercises is to identify an emotion we’re feeling—and I have to admit this is work for me. But this is the only the beginning. If I can’t identify my own emotions, how can I identify with my wife’s emotional world and make a connection with her?

One of the starting points for living with your wife in an understanding way and connecting with her emotional world is to become a better listener to her. Loving your wife as Christ loved the church often begins with something as simple with just listening to her. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve failed my wife Sally in this area.

When I get home from the office she may begin to unload all the various problems she’s encountered during the day. If I happen to be distracted or half-listening, Sally can usually tell immediately, and she will begin to protest, saying “You’re not listening to me,” and she starts to shut down emotionally.

“Wives have a God-designed sense about whether we are listening or not in order to help us learn how to relate to them from our hearts,” Nair writes in his book. “They are the training ground to learn to listen from our hearts so we can also listen to God from our hearts.”

Nair says there is a difference between listening with the physical ears and listening with the heart. When my mind drifts to a project I need to take care of while I’m listening to her I’m not really emotionally connecting with her world and she can tell.

I have recently learned that there is a fine art to listening with empathy. It happens when I begin to identify with what she is telling me.

And if I am really listening genuinely that will show up in my facial expressions, my body language, and my attitude. And this will minister to my wife’s spirit, according to Nair. When we first got married Sally was convinced I had a hearing problem and she insisted I go and get tested. But after the test they told me my hearing was so good they could calibrate the testing equipment from my ears. The problem wasn’t hearing—it was selective retention.

Wives have a God-given sense about whether we are listening to them or not—remember that intuition I spoke about earlier. This is designed by God to help husbands learn to relate to them from our hearts.

Remember the example in Nair’s book of the busy doctor who had the wife losing her hair? He decided to make his wife a priority in his life and set aside time for her, caring for her as Jesus would. Instead of sitting down and watching TV after he got home, he spent time with his wife and children, and offered his wife some relief.

Within six months his wife was emotionally stabilized and she stopped losing her hair. This medical doctor had more healing power at his disposal than he ever imagined—by taking seriously the high calling to be Jesus in that household, and to minister to his wife and children.

Remember the wife with fainting spells? After the husband was taught to not be so critical and negative all the time, after he began to see his wife as Jesus would see her, and he began to praise her for things she was doing, offer her encouraging words—it’s amazing —the fainting spells started to go away.

One of these wives said “I would never have believed it possible that feeling a greater closeness with my husband than I have ever felt with anyone else in my life could also make me feel a greater closeness with God. And yet, I know in my heart that is exactly what is happening within me.”

A few months ago I was with a pastor and his wife I hold in high esteem—they’ve accomplished wonderful things for God. But at one point when I was talking with this pastor’s wife she broke down in tears, saying she felt emotionally starved in the relationship, that her husband never confided his plans for the future, that he was aloof and indifferent to her needs.

I contrast that with a retired pastor and his wife—Ray and Anne Ortlund —who are both around 80, and you can tell when you’re around them that they’re deeply in love with each other. They’re still like honeymooners. At 80, he still calls her “gorgeous.”

That’s what I want for my marriage. I know I have a long way to go. But there’s a huge payoff for living with our wives in an understanding way. We not only can find the joy that comes from a great marriage, but 1 Peter 3:7 tells us if we live with them in an understanding way, then our prayers will not be hindered. What a great promise from God —more answers to prayer!

So begin to see your wife as a powerful ally in the battles of life, one who can spot the dangers outside your home, and the dangers within your own heart, so you can become more like Jesus in your home.

The above article, “Living With Your Wife in an Understanding Way” is written by Mark Ellis. Mark Ellis is a Senior Correspondent for ASSIST News Service. He is also an assistant pastor in Laguna Beach, CA. Contact Ellis at marsalis@fea.net. ASSIST News Service is brought to you in part by Open Doors USA, a ministry that has served the Suffering Church around the world for nearly 50 years. You can get more information by logging onto their website at www.opendoorsusa.org

First of all, you must keep in mind that there is a process always going on in a woman’s mind and soul, unbeknownst to her unsuspecting husband —and perhaps all others in the vicinity. What is happening is that all her thoughts, fears, hormones, responsibilities, memories of previous offenses, the amount of sleep she got last night, the devil’s plans for her life, her entire past, and how her hair is behaving that day, are simultaneously competing for her attention.

When all these things converge at one moment in time, it can be unbearable. It doesn’t matter what might have been happening just a few moments ago, or the last time you talked with to her. That was then. This is happening now. You may find yourself completely taken by surprise because you were not privy to the process. But don’t feel bad about that, because even your wife herself may not have recognized it.

Try to understand that as a man you have simple, clearly defined needs, such as food, sex, success, appreciation, and recreation. Your wife, on the other hand, is a complex being. Her needs are so intricate that even she is at a loss for words to explain them to you. Only God, her Creator, can fathom it all.

Her cycle of hormones alone is beyond comprehension. A woman can be emotionally sensitive in the days before, during, and after her monthly cycle. That leaves about three days in the middle when she is normal, and on one of those days she is ovulating, so it’s up for grabs how she is going to be that day. So I figure a guys has two good days when it’s safe.

In addition to that, if there is any stress in her life, if her husband is too busy for her, if she is over 30 and feels like life is passing her by before she ever gets to realize her dream, if her kids are small and need her every second, if her kids are grown and don’t need her like they used to, if she is creative and has no way to express it at the moment, if she has gained weight, or if the devil is telling her she has no purpose, then the atmosphere in and around her can be charged with overwhelming frustration.

It seems impossible to cope with it all.

If you ever find this phenomenon occurring in your wife, it’s best not to say, “What in the world is the matter with you now?” It’s better to first pray, “Lord, reveal to me what is happening to my wife and show me what I can do about it.” Then say to your wife, “Tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours.”

She may not be able to articulate an answer that is remotely understandable to you, but the important thing is that she sees you are listening. If she tells you how horrible she thinks she is and she doesn’t know what you see in her, don’t agree with her. If she says she hasn’t forgotten how you have let her down, don’t deny it. If she shares with you that she feels like running away or murdering someone, put your arm around her and say, “How can I help you find a more suitable option?”

Then do everything in your power to keep your eyes from glazing over. Don’t glance at your watch or the TV remote. Don’t allow your head to turn back in the direction of the newspaper or whatever project you are working on at the moment. And above all, keep your mind from thinking about the more important things you could be doing. Women have a special ability to spot that from 50 yards away.

Here is some advice that can help you navigate these waters successfully, including a few good lines that always work. Say them to your wife in any order, and then pray for her.

• “I love you.”

• “You are the greatest woman in the world to me.”

• “You’re beautiful when you’re upset.”

• “Tell me what’s on your mind, and I promise not to get mad.”

• “How have I let you down?”

• “How can I make it up to you?”

• “Have you been getting enough sleep?”

• “What would make you happy right now?”

• “I don’t have all the answers. But God does.”

• “Do you want to pray about this together?”

This whole process, prayer included, could take less than 15 minutes of your undivided attention, and it will dissipate the power of those converging forces. What a small investment of time in order to have such great rewards!

Whatever you do, don’t ask your wife, “Is it that time of month again?” She doesn’t want her suffering to be dismissed or explained away so easily. Even if that has everything to do with it, she is not able to see that now. And it will do no good to try and force the issue.

In the midst of the complex manifestations of your wife’s moods, there will come forth a simple message. It may be a cry for intimacy. It could be a desire to be known and appreciated. Perhaps it is a deep longing for reassurance that everything is going to be okay. Ask God to help you hear the message and show you how to pray accordingly.

However, we live in a day and age where we aren’t left entirely alone as far as not having any information available to help us! We are blessed to live in a world where some people have lived through a few things and have learned through a few things, and are willing to pass on to others (such as ourselves) what they have learned.

And that applies to the subject of Menopause. How do you survive this transition of life and help your wife the best way you can?

There’s no “one-size-fits-all” answer to that, but author Lois Mowday Rabey wrote an article that might help you in some way with that dilemma.

Below you will find a link to the helpful web site of Family Life Today where they have posted this article for your reading pleasure … or maybe we should say for your “survival.”

As you read through the article ask God to show you what information you can apply to your marriage that will best help you and your wife.

Please click onto the link provided below to read this article:

• WHAT WIVES WISH THEIR HUSBANDS KNEW ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Plus, below is another link to an article that you might find helpful as well. Please click to read:

• HOW TO HELP A WIFE WITH MENOPAUSE

Also, below is a link to a blog where a husband asks the following questions:

Question: My wife is going through menopause and I am feeling kicked out of a relationship that I really want. She doesn’t want physical contact, most of the time. The sex drive is less than off. She thinks that is all I think about. But it has been nearly year and a half. I am 11 years younger and need some advice.

Please click onto the link provided below to read more:

• WOMEN: I Need Your Help and Advice

Dad later said he thought the screech came from the brakes of automobiles at a nearby corner. When my father finally walked off the cat’s tail, still unaware of the commotion, the tom took off like a Saturn rocket.

This story typifies many twentieth-century marriages. The wife is screaming and clawing the air and writhing in pain, but the husband is oblivious to her panic. He is preoccupied with his own thoughts, not realizing that a single step to the right or left could alleviate the crisis. I never cease to be amazed at just how deaf a man can become under these circumstances.

I know of a gynecologist who is not only deaf, but blind as well. He telephoned a friend of mine who is also a physician in the practice of obstetrics and gynecology. He asked for a favor.

“My wife has been having some abdominal problems and she’s in particular discomfort this afternoon,” he said. “I don’t want to treat my own wife and wonder if you’d see her for me?”

My friend invited the doctor to bring his wife for an examination, whereupon he discovered (are you ready for this?) that she was five months pregnant! Her obstetrician husband was so busy caring for other patients that he hadn’t even noticed his wife’s burgeoning pregnancy. I must admit wondering how in the world this woman ever got his attention long enough to conceive!

There’s another aspect of the male-female relationship that should also be discussed for the man who wants to understand his wife. Appreciation is expressed to the well-known author Dr. Dennis Guernsey for calling to my attention the research by Rollins and Cannon and others which reveals a contrasting pattern of “personal satisfaction” by husbands and wives.

A woman’s satisfaction with her home (which represents the primary job for a homemaker) is never higher than at the time she gets married. But alas, her attitude is likely to slide. It typically deteriorates with the birth of her first baby and continues to sink through the child-rearing years. It reaches a low point in conjunction with the empty-nest syndrome — when the kids leave home. Her satisfaction then rebounds considerably and remains stable during the retirement years.

The husband’s job satisfaction follows an opposite pattern. His low point occurs during the early years of marriage, when he accepts a poorly compensated, non-status position. But as he works his way up the ladder, he draws greater emotional rewards (and more money) from his work. This increasing job satisfaction may continue for twenty years or longer, with his work encompassing ever more of his time and energy.

Obviously the point of greatest danger occurs in the late thirties and forties, when the wife is most dissatisfied with her assignment and the husband is most enthralled with his. That combination is built for trouble, especially if the man feels no responsibility to help meet his wife’s needs and longings. (Please remember that these studies merely reflect trends and statistical possibilities. Individuals may respond very differently.)

In the absence of strong and loving support from husbands, how do women cope with the circumstances I’ve described? We all know that behavior does not occur in a vacuum; it is motivated by powerful emotional currents running deep within the personality. Thus, I’ve observed eight avenues of response that may be taken by a depressed and frustrated wife. They are nonexclusive; in other words, more than one approach can occur simultaneously, or one can lead to others. The eight are as follows:

1. A woman can detach herself from home and family, reinvesting her emotional energy in an outside job. The “back to work” phenomenon by Western women is, in part, a product of this coping mechanism (combined with the pressures of inflation).

2. She can become very angry at men and society for their perceived insults and disrespect. This source of hostility helped to power the now defunct women’s liberation movement and gave it an aggressive character. Fortunately, both men and women quickly recognized that that was not the answer.

3. She can remain at home in an atmosphere of great depression or despair. Depression is “anger turned in-ward,” and is usually related to low self-esteem. This woman often becomes a classic nagger.

4. She can attempt to meet her pressing needs by getting into an illicit affair. This disastrous avenue usually becomes a dead-end street, leaving her more depressed and lonely than before.

5. She can turn to alcohol and drugs as a temporary palliative. Many homemakers are yielding to this alternative, as evidenced by the rising rate of alcoholism among American women.

6. She can commit suicide (or make a suicidal attempt as a call for help).

7. She can denounce the responsibilities of mothering, by either remaining childless, or by failing to meet the needs of her kids at home. Or she can run away and let Dad take over.

8. The depressed woman can, of course, seek a divorce in the hope of starting afresh with someone more understanding and loving. Today, more than ever, this final alternative looms as the accepted method of coping with marital frustration.

None of these coping mechanisms is very productive. In fact, each of the eight has specific negative consequences. Not even attempted suicide is certain to attract the attention of a mate. I counseled with one woman approximately two weeks after she was released from the hospital. Having made every possible attempt to make contact with her husband, she slid deeper into depression and despair.

Finally, she resorted to the ultimate decision. In full view of her husband, she brought all available prescription drugs from the medicine cabinet and proceeded to swallow 206 assorted pills. Her husband stood watching in disbelief. She then went to the bedroom to lie down and die. But she didn’t want to leave this earth, of course. It was a desperate method of dramatizing her condition to the man whose love she needed. Unfortunately, he did not respond.

When she realized that he had no intention of rescuing her, she pulled herself together and drove to a nearby hospital. After pumping her stomach, the hospital staff telephoned her husband who came to her bedside. He held her hand for two hours without ever asking why she hadn’t wanted to live! In fact, the day he brought her to my office, more than two weeks later, he made his first comment about the event. As he walked around the car to open her door, he said, “I want you to know that you nearly scared me to death a couple of weeks ago!”

Readers might find it difficult to believe that this man loved his wife, but it’s true. His lack of attention to her needs was related to a potential business failure that made it difficult for him to “give” to his wife — or even hear her cries. He was facing a crisis of his own, which often occurs in disintegrating marriages.

If the usual coping mechanisms fail to deliver viable solutions to the problems of marital conflict, what is the answer? That brings us back to the promise, made in the beginning of this article, that I would offer some straight talk to husbands and wives. Never before have I abandoned diplomacy in dealing with family issues, but I beg your tolerance in this instance.

The current crisis in marriage demands a bold approach that is equal to the magnitude of the danger. You can’t kill a dragon with a pop-gun, as they say.

Men, it is high time you realized that your wives are under attack today! Everything they’ve been taught from earliest childhood is being subjected to ridicule and scorn. Hardly a day passes when the traditional values of the Judeo-Christian heritage are not blatantly mocked and undermined.

- The notion that motherhood is a worthwhile investment of a woman’s time suffers unrelenting bombardment.

- And the idea that wives should yield to the leadership of their husbands, as commanded in Ephesians 5:21-33 is considered almost medieval in its stupidity.

- And the concept that a man and woman should become one flesh, finding their identity in each other rather than as separate and competing individuals, is said to be intolerably insulting to women.

- And the belief that divorce is an unacceptable alternative has been abandoned by practically everybody.

- And the description of the ideal wife and mother, as offered in Proverbs 31:10-31 is now unthinkable for the modern woman.

- And the role of the female as help-meet, love giver, home-builder, and child-bearer is nothing short of disgusting.

All of these deeply ingrained values, which many of your wives are trying desperately to sustain, are continually exposed to the wrath of hell itself. The Western media — radio, television and the press — are working relentlessly to shred the last vestiges of Christian tradition. And your wives who believe in that spiritual heritage are virtually hanging by their thumbs! They are made to feel stupid and old-fashioned and unfulfilled, and their self-esteem is suffering irreparable damage. They are fighting a sweeping social movement with very little support from anyone.

Let me say it more directly. For the man who appreciates the willingness of his wife to stand against the tide of public opinion it is about time you gave her some help. I’m not merely suggesting that you wash the dishes or sweep the floor. I’m referring to the provision of emotional support of conversation, of making her feel like a lady, of building her ego, of giving her one day of recreation each week, of taking her out to dinner, of telling her that you love her. Without these armaments, she is left defenseless against the foes of the family — the foes of your family!

But to be honest, many of you husbands and fathers have been thinking about something else. Your wives have been busy attending seminars and reading family literature and studying the Bible, but they can’t even get you to enter a discussion about what they’ve learned. You’ve been intoxicated with your work and the ego support it provides.

The message could not be more simple or direct to a Christian man: the Lord has commanded you to “love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, giving His life for it.”

She needs you now. Will you fit her into your plans?

“I had an epiphany experience about 18 months ago that totally changed my life and my view of marriage. Without sounding too mystical I have to say that I believe God spoke to me then, and the message and insight I was given I cannot keep to myself.

“…On a Saturday evening I threw a dish in anger that hit my wife in the face and left a small cut. She called the police and I was handcuffed and taken off to jail. A magistrate thought it best for me to sit out the weekend there and held me over on a LOT of bond. I wouldn’t pay it and that set my schedule for the weekend!

“After about 4 hours on a steel cot in the middle of the night the novelty wore off (boy is SHE gonna be sorry…) and I really started to think hard about why I was there.

“With nothing to read, no place to go and not able to sleep anymore, I basically paced and prayed for two days. One single Scripture stayed in my mind the whole time, ‘Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church…’

“For two days God replayed the memories I had of our arguments and in each one I was acutely aware of how I had failed to love my wife. It was like pausing a video and having Someone point to it and say, ‘See, right here, you could have reached out to her and reassured her, but you were too busy trying to prove your point.’

“At one point I was seeing her face, all distorted with rage as she screamed at me, but totally without any sound …the mute button had been pushed on this memory, and then little by little the sound came up so I could hear it. Only the words were not what my wife had been screaming at me. Instead, they were replaced with other words that I needed to hear; ‘I want you to LOVE me, why won’t you LOVE me? I’m afraid and insecure and I need you to hold me and LOVE me…’

“And that’s when I began to weep. All this time I had been so totally wrapped up in my own needs —to demand respect instead of being respectable, to be right at any cost, to win a petty argument —but this hurt our priceless relationship. I had been so caught up in the words that I had totally missed her heart, her need.

“This was my epiphany, and this is why scripture commands me to love my wife as Christ loved the church. In my conversations with men since then I have seen the color drain from their faces as I tell them about my experience, and I see the dawning of their own awareness as they realize how they have blown it too. We NEED this command, but not many of us know just how badly.

“Anyway, God sat me down for two days in jail, took away all the distractions, and forced me to look at myself in a way I had never done before. By the end of it I had been totally emotionally ruined and rebuilt, and I could hardly wait to get home and share with (my wife) what God had shown me! My last evening in my cell I was freer than I had ever been, I knew the Lord had spoken to me and I knew I was going to do something about it, first in my own marriage, and then in others if the Lord allowed.”

[Emerson Eggerichs, the author of "Love & Respect" then writes the following of this testimonial]:

Although the husband and his wife reconciled, the court ordered him to attend domestic violence counseling, which he was happy to do. He waited over a year after his experience to validate the changes in his life and then, with the blessing of his pastor, he began to invite other men to discuss the topic of marriage with him, Now he and his wife meet with couples who come to them with domestic issues like the ones they had. He adds, “I’ll forever be grieved at what I did to my wife, and forever grateful for what He has done for our marriage since.”

There are many reasons I like this man’s story, but perhaps best of all is that the wife was the first one to contact us when she ordered our resources to learn more bout unconditionally respecting her husband.

In her e-mail request, she said absolutely nothing about the abusive incident. She only wrote that she was: “… mightily convicted about my need for learning this vital aspect of my wifely role. My husband has a men’s Bible study where, naturally, the focus is on loving and leading your wife God’s way. There is a dearth of material on the other important aspect of godly marriage, namely, wives and respect …lots on submission, but not much on respect. My husband and I have been married, very badly (and without God) … and we are committed to making our relationship one that honors and glorifies His presence and grace in our lives.”

There was not one hint of how she took a dish in the face and how he had to go to jail. I was curious about the kind of Bible study her husband was conducting, so I e-mailed him and asked him to explain what he was doing and why. That’s when he told me the whole story about hitting his wife, going to jail, and figuring things out as he paced up and down in his cell. What a woman! What a man! He had changed so much that she yearned to do her part and now they work together to help other marriages.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish but holy and blameless. (Ephesians 5:25).

The above letter and commentary can be found in the excellent book entitled, Love and Respect written by Dr Emerson Eggerichs www.loveandrespect.com which is a Focus on the Family Book published by Integrity Publishers. We HIGHLY recommend this book to everyone who is married. It’s based on over three decades of counseling, as well as scientific and biblical research. This book is for anyone: people in marital crisis, spouses headed for divorce, husbands and wives in a second marriage, people wanting to heal, lonely wives, browbeaten husbands, spouses in affairs, victims of affairs, engaged couples, and for pastors or counselors looking for material that can save marriage.

• MEN ONLY NOT BOYS

Have you thought of what your wife and children might regret that they never got from you, if you should die before them?

It’s grim to think about such things, but many “better” life choices have been made when people have visited such thoughts and have decided that they want to leave a legacy behind that is positive rather than “so-so” or negative.

For what purpose are you put upon this earth? Is it just to occupy it and take up space and resources until you die? Or do you have a life purpose that you know God wants to accomplish in your life, which you are purposing to live out? And since you decided to marry, what purpose does God want you to live out in your married life?

It tells us in 1 Corinthians 7 that marriage changes the direction of how you live out your life. Marriage brings with it the responsibility to consider the life of your partner as well as yourself in how you live out your spiritual walk. And then when children are brought into your lives as a gift from God, your life takes on a different dimension of responsibility. And with every responsibility, comes the good with the more difficult.

The legacy you leave behind will affect generations to come. So, what kind of legacy will you leave behind — a positive one, or one that will hurt those who come behind you?

To further consider this question, we would like to direct you to two articles, both posted on the web site for the ministry of Family Life Today. To read these articles, click onto the links provided below:

• WHAT WILL BE YOUR LEGACY? A CHALLENGE FOR MEN

• ANTICIPATING DEATHBED REGRETS

The same Scripture passage says a couple of verses earlier, “The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church” (v. 23). Sadly, however, too many of us deviate from the Writer’s script, instead allowing our culture’s ideas of what husbands and wives are to be to dictate our understanding of marriage. The result? Far too many marriages get off track.

To understand and follow the script, we have to shut our ears, eyes, and minds to our culture and focus on God’s Word, something too few people are willing to do these days.

Let’s face it: If you’re following Scripture, you’re going the opposite direction on a one-way street with everyone else honking their horns at you and questioning your sanity. But God’s Word tells us, “Don’t become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out” (Romans 12:2, The Message).

Now, let’s take a look at what the script says about what God calls husbands to do and be.

Called to Lead
According to the script, a husband has three callings, the first of which is to be a leader, or “the head of the wife.” But what does that mean? It doesn’t mean control, passive non involvement, asserted superiority, or taking advantage. On the contrary, a husband must never use his role as leader for selfish benefit. To do so would deviate from the Writer and Director’s script.

A husband must never put his wife into a straitjacket of compliance, or she will wither and her love for him will deaden. Even recent secular research has shown that what kills the love of a spouse for the other is in direct violation of Scripture—i.e., attempting to control our partner rather than serve them.

The issue of the man’s leadership in the home has been a concern for years. Book after book has been written on this subject including Passive Men, Wild Women and Husbands Who Won’t Lead and Wives Who Won’t Follow. We’re talking about biblical headship—specifically the authority of the man to lead. But there are strings attached.

Ephesians 5:22-23 states, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” This passage endows the authority of a husband’s headship, but it also defines and limits it. The analogy of Christ’s relationship to the church as a basis for the husband’s headship means that the only time he has the right to exercise family authority is when he does it in ways that are consistent with Christ’s nature and purpose. Bryan Chapell stated this well when he said, “Headship that transgresses the purposes of God loses God’s endorsement.”

A man’s motives for leading a marriage spiritually can sometimes be mixed, but when he allows God to lead him and when his heart is open to God and His purposes, then his headship receives His support.

So what does that kind of leadership look like in practical terms? The authority God gives men to lead is built on service. This is a difficult balancing and juggling act for many. The problem is not with the teaching, but with the man who misuses the teaching that he is to lead to serve his own needs and desires. Some men behave like drill sergeants, snapping out orders at their wives and children, which doesn’t reflect Scripture but their own selfishness and insecurity.

The truth is, a husband is called to think of others—particularly his wife—first, ahead of himself. That’s not easy for many men. For one thing, the idea of being a servant leader runs counter to the thinking in our present-day “me” culture. But with some hard work and sacrifice, it can be done.

I’ve seen both kinds of leadership. I’ve seen the self-appointed “dictators” who distort scriptural teaching for their own benefit. The result of this kind of leadership is that marriages and families suffer and fragment. But I’ve also observed men who are servant leaders, whose families flourished as a result.

Called to Sacrificial Love
God’s script also calls the husband to be not just a servant leader but also a lover, meaning that his headship of his family is not to exhibit dominating control but the sacrificial love of Jesus.

And how did Christ love when He was on earth? He was single-minded in His mission of love as He spent time with the disciples and communicated with them, teaching them about forgiveness. He also led by example, helping strengthen the disciples where they were weak. He defended the disciples, praised them before the others, and revealed Himself to them. And why did Jesus do these things? It’s because He was concerned about the church’s well-being and future glory.

That is how a husband is to love his wife. A husband represents Jesus in the home, and his role is to bring out God’s glory in his wife and lift her up—for her well-being. This is leadership that leaves a wife feeling special, valued, and loved.

So how specifically can a husband do that? There are many ways, one of the most important being a husband’s putting his wife first over children, parents, siblings, work, TV, and hobbies. Doing this will strengthen a marriage. But conversely, not doing it will weaken the marriage.

Another thing a loving husband can do is learn his wife’s “love language”—in other words, the ways she tends to best express and receive love from others—and package his love in a way that speaks to her and meets her needs.

A husband is also to love his wife unconditionally, the same way God loves all of us. He is not to love her “because she…” but “regardless.” When a husband loves his wife sacrificially and unconditionally, then she more fully realizes God’s love and regard for her, and this in turn brings glory to Him.

God expects us to care for one another. A husband who neglects or demeans his wife robs her of what God wants for her and robs himself of growth and development as well.

Regarding couples caring for one another, Bryan Chapell wrote:

Because two people who marry are to be one, if either part damages, demoralizes, or degrades the other, then neither will be completely whole. Just as a basketball deflated on only one side still cannot fulfill its purposes, so a marriage with one side diminished will deprive both persons of fully being and doing what God desires. God has designed the similarities and differences of a man and woman in marriage to complement and support the spiritual growth of both. Neither part to the marriage can develop fully if either one is denied his or her personal potential.

What an opportunity a husband has! It’s very much like Jesus’ redemptive work on behalf of the church in that a husband is not to live for himself, but should live to be used as a channel of God’s goodness in his wife’s life. He is to respond, react, speak, and think toward her in ways that enable her to develop who she is and to develop her gifts as a way to bring glory to God.

An encouraging man does this. He’s a man who sincerely tells his wife, “I believe in you,” “Go for it,” and “How can I help you?”

Called to Lead—and Love—Sacrificially
A husband is to lead in his marriage by example and sacrificially, not by ordering or constantly instructing his wife. He is never, and I mean never, to tell his wife what the Scriptures say she is to do. Rather, his only focus is to be on loving his wife as Christ love the church—that is, sacrificially.

In practical terms, this could mean, among other things, volunteering to bathe the children or massage his wife’s feet, turning off the football game and talking with her, or going shopping with her—even after he’s put in a twelve-hour day at work.

Sacrificial love involves participating in something that is important or a favorite of hers, even if it’s relatively unimportant to you or definitely not one of you favorites. It may mean doing any of the following (although it’s not limited to any or all of them):

• Initiating prayer with her without concern that your prayers may be briefer and more bottom-line than hers.

• Learning to say these three phrases: “You were right,” “I was wrong,” and “I am sorry.”

• Calling her with any delay of plans.

• Practicing Proverbs 31:28-29 (praising her) consistently.

• Accepting her communication style and opinions as different from yours, and not necessarily wrong.

• Accepting her femaleness and celebrating the differences that come form it.

• Asking for her opinion.

• Discovering the uniqueness of her personality in order to understand her and communicate better.

• Asking what television show or movie she would like to watch.

Before we move on, ask yourself which of these you did this past month. Then ask yourself which of these you will do during the coming month.

Called to Lead by Learning
A few years ago I read an article titled “Study’s Advice to Husbands: Accept Your Wife’s Influence.” The study showed that men who enjoyed the most stable, happy marriages were also likely ones who listened to their wives’ suggestions and concerns and followed them. These were men who were willing to learn, change, and grow.

I have found that to be true in my own marriage. Over the years, I have learned that my wife is innately gifted with knowledge, insights, and abilities I don’t have. That is probably whey the apostle Peter wrote, “[Husbands,] live with your wives in an understanding way… and show them respect” (1 Peter 3:7, NCV), which very simply means that husbands are called on to understand their wives—how they think, how they respond emotionally, and what they need to feel loved and fulfilled in a marriage.

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard men say, “I just don’t understand my wife.” My response to that is blunt: You can learn!

We men can be much worse than lacking in our knowledge of the opposite sex; we can be downright clueless! There is much each and every husband has to learn when it comes to loving their wives. But we can learn, and not only that, we need to learn. It’s not that difficult, either. It’s a matter of taking the time to be a student, a learner, first.

So how can you learn? First, when your wife talks to you, be a listener before you’re a fixer. We men tend to want to rush ahead and “fix situations out wives talk to us about when most of the time, our wives just want us to listen to how they feel about their situation. For that reason, we should take the time to ask our wives, “Is this a fix-it time or learning time?”

It goes against the grain of most men to hear this, but I have learned that listening is often one of the best ways to fix things.

Second, be honest with your wife. Don’t hide. Share your hurts, your fears, your concerns, your disappointments, your life. Believe me, this will draw the two of you closer than you can imagine. And when you’re vulnerable, you’re leading in love, and she’ll want to follow.

The above article comes from the book, One Marriage Under God -by H. Norman Wright, published by Multnomah www.multnomahbooks.com. This is a book that will help you see things from God’s perspective, clarifying the institution of marriage as God originally created it—a beautiful committed, eternal bond. Dr. Wright helps you see how this bond leaves only one option for anyone who’s ever said I do: Make it work, no matter what! This book gives insights on: Whether you married the “right” or “wrong” person is entirely up to you… God has a good plan for every marriage… Your marriage needs to be re-created daily… The culture’s alternatives to marriage are destructive; God’s plan is flawless …The benefits of marriage are a carefully guarded secret…and “Me” or “We?”

Over the years we have interviewed hundreds of wives and many of them communicated at least three areas that they desired their husbands change in before they will believe their husband’s commitment:

Careful Listening without Justification or Argument

It is often difficult for a man to converse with his wife without challenging the meaning of various words she uses to explain how she feels inside. If a husband can overlook the actual words his wife uses to express herself and instead, actively pursue what she means, fewer arguments will take place.

One man I know finds it almost impossible to do this. When his wife says, “You never do this,” or “You always do that,” he will inevitably say, “Now, dear, I don’t always do that,” or “Did I do it yesterday?” or he begins to analyze her statement to prove it false.

If we can stop justifying our actions and quit arguing about the words our wives use, we can get to the heart of the matter. We can try rephrasing our wives statements, “Is this what you were trying to say?” or “Is this what I’m hearing?” It is essential in communication to look past the surface words to the real meaning behind the words.

Quickness to Admit Error

Countless wives and children have told me how their family relationships have been weakened because of a husband’s or father’s unwillingness to admit his errors. Though husbands sometimes think admission of errors reveals their weaknesses, the opposite is true.

A humble admission of wrong produces positive results. When a husband admits he has hurt his wife, she feels better just knowing he understands. Not only that, it demonstrates that he is a wise man because the Scriptures tell us that only the wise seek counsel.

Patience When She is Reluctant to Believe You’ve Changed

What if you’ve been doing everything within your power to let your wife know she has first place in your life, and she still doesn’t believe you’ve changed? Do you throw up your arms in disgust? Or do you gently persuade her over a period of time? Her initial respect for you wasn’t lost overnight, and it can’t be regained in a day. Show her that no matter how long it takes, you want to earn her respect.

To do so please click onto the link below:

• THE EVIDENCE A WIFE NEEDS FROM HER HUSBAND