One of the ideas I came up with years ago, and a goal I strive for in my own homemaking, is that every room where I have been should be a little bit better because I have been there. I try to do that both in my spiritual/personal life as well as in my homemaking tasks — “poking holes in the darkness” wherever I go. And I’ve seen that it makes a positive difference!

Concerning homemaking ideas, I try to straighten up or put away at least one thing that is out of place when I go into or out of that room so when I leave it, it’s at lease a bit improved. A little here, a little there, seems to lighten the load of doing so much all at once when I do major cleaning (and makes things look a bit better in the meantime).

I also remember someone once saying that he learned that it takes more work and energy to drop clothing on the floor and have to go back later, pick them up and then put them away than it does to just put them away in the first place. I try to remember that tip when I’m tempted to drop my clothing on the floor when I’m changing.

Of course, that doesn’t apply if you expect your spouse to pick up after you, but then you have an entirely different energy drain and marriage problem going on as you battle with your spouse who resents the extra work you are causing her or him by your immature actions! Please be”kind and considerate” as you’re told in the Bible. Don’t cause unnecessary problems within your marriage and your home by not cleaning up after yourself.

Another thing I’ve tried to remember is something that my husband said to me years ago (and has reiterated several times since). He told me that when he enters our home he feels an “Ahhh… I’m home” in his spirit — that our home is nice and clean and pleasant to enter into — a haven of peace for his heart after he leaves a very hectic and energy-draining world.

He and I realize that there are times and circumstances when it can’t always be that way …life happens! And you can’t always control the cleanliness and peacefulness of the home, plus, there are things that need to be done to maintain the home so it stays that way. But it’s a goal I try to over-all strive for as much as possible, to make our home a haven.

With that as an over-all priority, not only does my husband and others who enter our home enjoy the benefits of peacefulness, but so do I …eventually, after I manage with intentionality to get it that way!

Author Jill Savage says it well: 

“One of the reasons I’m at home is to provide a home environment my family wants to come home to. As best I can, I can create a welcoming, soothing atmosphere to speak love to my family. If you’ve never considered being intentional about creating a welcoming environment with fragrance, give it a try and see if it affects the mood of your family.” (From the article, “Homemaking Tips that Create Security” by Jill Savage)

I can attest to the fact that it definitely affects our moods in a positive way! And others have said the same thing about our home — that it’s very calming and peaceful.

But how do you do this when you have little ones (and/or even big ones) running all over the place messing up things faster than you can you can clean (especially when you’re tired)? I have sure been there and have tried to do that, and sometimes miserably unsuccessfully!

My sons are grown and married now and have homes of their own. But there was a long season of time when we had a houseful of our own children plus others running in and out of our home. And when I was in the middle of this season of our lives, it was a continual juggling act of figuring out what was most important to do, how and when!

We now have grandchildren as well who come over and make their imprints well known all over our house. And quite frankly, we wouldn’t have it any other way!

So, to help all of us, I’ll give a few links below to articles and web sites I found that can be helpful when battling with that dilemma.

The first is an article written by Sandy Coughlin and posted on Crosswalk.com that you might find helpful. In this article Sandy writes about “changing things up a bit” as you go about your homemaking tasks, which has helped her and may help you. Please click onto the link below to read:

One of the things I’ve done many times is have mini races with myself against time where I try to see how much I can get done within 2-5 minutes (using a timer) or during a commercial for a television show. It can add a little twist and sometimes be a little fun to see if I can make a big dent in what needs to be done concerning housework. I challenge you to try it sometime!

Next, for those of you with children, the following is an article written by Kristin Chesemore where she gives three very practical tips as she discusses “Food and Clothing First”, “Minimal Cleaning”, and “Ruthless Paperwork Habits”. Please click onto the link below to read:

• EFFECTIVE HOMEMAKING WITH YOUNG KIDS

If you’re juggling with trying to be the “perfect” homemaker and are battling with guilt trips, misconceptions, and “when does mom get time off work”, the following article written by Cheryl Gochnauer, posted on the Kyria web site might give you insights. Please click onto the link below to read:

• STAY AT HOME SUPER MOM

You may have noticed that the above article talks about home management and “team roles” and such. You may be in a situation where your home needs a complete overhaul of who does what, concerning managing the home and making it run smoother. You may or may not have a spouse who will help you with this, but if you do, the following article written by Kathy Peel, posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site may be interesting and beneficial to read:

• FAMILY MANAGEMENT MAKEOVER

There are a few web sites provided below where you can find a LOT of help ranging from in making your home more organized, cleaner and calmer and more. The following are a few of them:

The first is a great web site (a personal favorite of mine) that provides all kinds of articles with on-going help available (on homemaking tips, recipes, family fun, frugal living, stewardship, organizing, parenting, etc.). As they say, “We’re taking homemaking to a ‘Higher Level” with spiritual values in mind. It is:

• Christian-Homemaking.com

And then there is another web site where you can find tips to help you with your “cleaning, clutter, cooking, decorating, holidays, etc.” that you might find beneficial to read through. The following web site link will take you to the “Homemaking Archive” for:

• Christian-Mommies.com

There’s another web site link you might benefit from going to as well. Here’s the description:

“This is a collection of sites that inspire us to embrace the lost art of homemaking. Site topics include: parenting, marriage, child care, entertaining, cleaning, cooking, crafting, simple living, budgeting, debt management, finances, decorating, frugality, cleaning, motivation, goal setting, recipes, housekeeping, gardening, pets and much more! Only good information, support, and inspiration!”

To visit this collection of web sites, please click onto:

• LotsaSites.com

I hope this helps in some way. If you have additional tips to help in this area of marriage, please pass them along in the discussion section below. We would greatly appreciate it!

The above article was put together by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

Our first instinct may be to laugh at that “joke” but if you’re the one going through a hormonal change (or you’re married to someone who is going through that change) it’s no joking matter. It’s a pretty serious subject.

There are a lot of things competing to sabotage your relationship with your spouse and one of them is a wife’s fluctuating hormone level (if she is one who experiences this phenomenon).

“It’s not a subject most people like to discuss, but PMS or Pre Menstrual Syndrome can wreak havoc on relationships, especially when it is not recognized. Despite what many people seem to think, hormonal fluctuations throughout a woman’s cycle can be as hard on her as they seem to be on the people in her life.” (Sherry Holetzky)

Hormonal fluctuations can be something that attacks our bodies, emotions and our intimacy on so many levels, and it’s difficult for someone (particularly our husbands) to understand if they’ve never experienced them first hand in their bodies.

I’ll never forget a number of years ago, something that happened, when our sons were younger. I came to the realization that I was anything but a pleasant person when my menstrual cycle came around. So I thought I’d do my husband and two sons a “favor” by explaining that I would give them a “warning” when I was feeling tense, and that for their own good, I advised them to tread lightly for a while. I thought this would be a merciful act.

I remember well, one time when I gave the men of our household a warning to please ease up on their noise level and the manner in which they liked to tease me. I told them that I was struggling to “keep it together” and I needed their help to do so.

Our one son didn’t take my warning seriously because he proceeded to start teasing me right then and there. I immediately “lost my cool” and started screaming. I’ll never forget how he looked at me. All the color drained out of  his face and he looked absolutely shell-shocked. He just mumbled, “I guess you were serious … sorry!”

Yep! I was, and I can tell you that when I gave out my polite warning, no one tested my seriousness after that! We somehow came to an agreement that warnings were to be taken seriously.

One woman writes a solution she’d like to see happen:

“If I was going to invent something for the good of mankind I know exactly what it would be: a pill for men that would let them experience all of our worst PMS symptoms… The trouble is, I fear my plan would backfire. Instead of making them understand what we go through so they’d be more sympathetic, it’d be my luck to give [my husband] the pill and he’d expect me to cater to him. ‘Bring me the heating pad. Get me another Advil. Tuck me in for my nap.’” (Courtney Mroch)

Isn’t that the truth? As much as we may want sympathy and understanding on a different level, it could backfire in various ways —especially for the one who isn’t acting in an “understanding” way.

Another complication caused by these fluctuating hormones, happens to those who are prone towards depression and anxiety.

“While the symptoms of PMS are very familiar to many women, those who have a history of anxiety and depression or who currently suffer from anxiety and depression may notice that the changing hormonal levels during the month bring about increased emotional problems. The week before menstruation is well-known by women and feared by men as being the most emotionally difficult week of the month. That makes for twelve to thirteen ‘difficult’ weeks per year for women of childbearing age.” (Beth McHugh)

Actually, it doesn’t end there … even those who are getting beyond childbearing age battle with “difficult weeks” and even years when Pre-menopause and Menopause comes into play. (Somehow the word “play” doesn’t seem like the appropriate word here, does it?)

To help us deal with these problems and attacks on our bodies, minds and marriages, below are several links to various web sites that have articles posted on this subject. To read them, please click onto the links below.

(And if you have any input, suggestions, or comments, please “Join the Discussion” below this article so we can all benefit from what you have learned and are learning.)

• HOW HORMONES HARM OUR MARRIAGES

• HORMONES AND BEHAVIOR

• BEYOND THE POST-DELIVERY BLUES

• DEALING WITH P.M.S.

• NATURAL TREATMENTS FOR P.M.S.

• MANAGING MENOPAUSE

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Best to you,
Tech Support

You can find many strong-willed women who were good wives and wonderful women of God.

Jesus Himself, had a servant’s heart and yet He was also a strong leader when He needed to be. He was also strong-willed, but He knew when to “lay down His life” for those He loved and be submissive. The difference is that He KNEW when it was the Father’s will that He strongly exerted His position in Kingdom work, and when He was to submit. And Christ is our example. The Bible says,

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:5-8)

The Bible also says that the “meek shall inherit the earth.” Meek does not mean weak (or it doesn’t always have to mean weak). It also is defined as: “strength under control.” Someone who is meek is kind, patient, and controlled. It doesn’t mean they have to be weak-willed, but rather they have to know when to go forward in a controlled way and when they are to willingly step back for the betterment of the situation.

And that’s why a woman can still be strong-willed and yet be submissive when the situation calls for it. And when she is, she is Spirit-led, not led by her own self-will and determination. (And the same is true with a man.)

Below we provide web site links to articles which are written by two very strong-willed women who are examples of this. We believe they can inspire and help us to grasp onto the concept that being a woman who is strong is not a bad thing unless it is mis-used. And again, the same goes for a man. He must know when his strength is a good thing to use, and when he is to respond in tenderness and be submissive to the leading of the Holy Spirit for such a time as that.

To read the articles, the first which is written by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias (which appears on the web site for the ministry of Family Life Today), and the second which is written by Debbie L Cherry (which appears on the web site for Crosswalk.com), please click onto the links provided below:

• STRONG-WILLED WOMEN AND THE MEN WHO LOVE THEM

• SUBMISSION: INSIGHTS FROM A STRONG-WILLED WIFE

-ALSO-

The following is a series of radio broadcasts from the ministry of Family Life Today, where they interview author Cindy Easley on the subject of “What’s Submission Got to Do With It.” To choose to listen to the interviews or read the transcripts, please click onto the following:

• FOLLOWING HIS LEAD (Day 1 of 3)

• IMPLEMENTING SUBMISSION (Day 2 of 3)

• ENGAGING YOUR HUSBAND THROUGH SUBMISSION (Day 3 of 3)

Author Bunny Wilson told of an interview she was involved in on a call-in radio talk show on the subject of “Liberated by Submission”, which is the title of one of her books. From the beginning of the interview she was immediately challenged by the host of the program. The interview went something like this:

Announcer: Bunny has come on the air to tell you wives you must submit. Isn’t that why you’re on the air today Bunny?

Bunny: No— I came on the air today to tell them that you’re a submitted man.”

Announcer: What do you mean by that?

Bunny: Submission means to yield to authority. Let me ask you, do you own the radio station you’re interviewing me from?

Announcer: No.

Bunny: Do you have a General Manager?

Announcer: Yes, and it’s a woman.

Bunny: That’s even better. Do you always agree with the programming of the General Manager?

Announcer: Of course not!

Bunny: The very fact that you’re still on the air interviewing me today, means that you’ve had to yield to her final decisions. And that makes you a submitted man.

[The announcer opened up the phone lines. The first caller started by calling Bunny a "bimbo" and commented how her book should be burned.]

Bunny said: Let me ask you a question. Did you know that Feminists are submitted women?

[Bunny said that after she said this the caller sounded like she was gnawing on the phone.]

Bunny: Let me explain: Feminists have organizations. They have Presidents, Vice-Presidents, and Directors. When they get into their Board Rooms, do you think that they always agree with the direction of their particular Feminist Movement?

Of course not! We know they’re opinionated women. But they know before they leave that Board Room that the President has the right to make the final decision. And they must graciously submit because “a house divided against itself cannot stand.”

The point is, that: there’s never a time where we’re not submitted. The only question is: WHO and WHAT ARE WE SUBMITTED TO?

Women of God, please recognize: GOD has an ORGANIZATIONAL FLOW CHART. HE has an ESTABLISHED AUTHORITY.

And if we refuse to yield to that authority, and that established order then as the judge said, “Ignorance of the Law doesn’t excuse you from the penalty of the Law”.

Submission is a very positive, powerful and aggressive principle that’s been designed for every man, every woman, single and married by God. We’re ALL called upon to submit.

The Bible says, “Whatever you do in word or deed, do all to the glory of God.” How would you treat Jesus if He came to your house? What I do is I serve Jesus and my husband just happens to be standing in the way and becomes the physical recipient. I’m not looking for the praise from him. I’m looking to hear Jesus say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

The above article came from a talk titled, “Go for the Gold”, that speaker and author Bunny Wilson gave at a Women of Virtue Conference held in Clinton Township, Michigan at Bethesda Christian Church.

Bunny Wilson is the author of several books. She and her husband of more than 35 years, well-known songwriter and recording producer Frank Wilson, conduct marriage and family seminars across America. The book, Liberated Through Submission (which explains the above concept further) written by P. B. Wilson is published by Harvest House Publishers.

I pray you’ll read her book because she explains this subject very well. What I especially like is the fact that she’s such a strong woman whose natural tendency isn’t to submit and yet she’s seen the importance of following this concept as defined in the Bible because God says to. I figure if she can submit—most any woman can.

I also want to point out that she starts this particular chapter by saying, “I hope with all my heart you are not a victim of extreme circumstances.” This is so important to note. If you’re suffering from physical abuse or your spouse has a dangerous mental disability you need to be especially careful and prayerful on this area of your lives together. Under those circumstances you’d really need a Godly counselor to guide you through this because you need to be so extremely careful and prayerful in this area of your marriage.

But also keep in mind that Bunny is talking about attitudes here. Even if you have to be careful and put up safeguards and boundaries because of your spouse’s tendency to abuse the responsibilities God has entrusted him with, your attitude towards him can still be respectful “as unto the Lord.” With this said, let’s consider what the author has to say on this subject:

In Ephesians 5:33 we read: “And the wife must see that she reverence her husband.”

A woman who demonstrates reverence for her husband will have no difficulty submitting. In the Greek, “reverence” means to be “in deep awe or respect of.” If you’re thinking to yourself, “She doesn’t know my husband!” then you need a more complete understanding of what it means to have reverence for him.

As I meditated on the word “reverence,” I asked God to give me a relevant example. Not long thereafter, He showed me a picture of former President Reagan walking into Congress. As our Chief Executive made his entrance, everyone rose to his feet in honor of Reagan’s lofty position. No one would have denied that there were many people in that room who were opposed to Reagan’s politics. If it had not been for his position, they would not have stood. They were honoring his presidency, not his policies.

On a prestigious television interview show, former Vice President George Bush was being interviewed regarding the Iran contra scandal. Based on the line of questioning, it appeared that the host of the program felt Bush had knowledge of the Iran affair. Several times during the interview the commentator’s attitude was brisk and curt. When he was finally out of time, the journalist cut the Vice President off sharply and concluded the program.

The public was outraged! Television executives were embarrassed. Letters began to pour in. Were they angry because they thought Bush wasn’t involved with the scandal? No. People were upset because of the lack of respect shown to a person holding the position of Vice President.

We may not respect our husbands for the type of men they are, for their decisions or their leadership. However, God demands that we respect the position He has placed them in as husbands. I asked the Lord, “Does this mean that I am to stand whenever my husband walks into a room?”

He replied, “No, but your spirit should. Your spirit should stand in honor, and bow in respect. When you vowed to Me that you were accepting him as your husband ‘until death do us part,’ he became the head of you and your home.” God reminded me that this policy is appropriate even in the cases where husbands clearly do not conduct themselves in a respectable manner.

After God had finished unfolding the meaning of reverence, I hung my head and wept. I realized that I had had enough “marriage sense” to be respectful to my husband on the exterior, but I knew in my heart that I’d never had reverence for him. Rarely did we have a conversation where my inward spirit was not rebelling at Frank’s words.

I had never even considered the position that God had placed him in. I repented. I said, “God, I didn’t know. From this day forward, I will not be irreverent to my husband; not in words, thoughts or actions. And if I should slip, Father, I will go to him and ask his forgiveness.”

From that moment on, my life completely changed. The first thing I noticed was that all the noisy dialogues within me ceased. Have you ever considered the number of conversations you have with your husband inside your head? Many times I would be raging when Frank walked into a room, and he hadn’t said a word.

Once I repented, I experienced a peace I would never have thought possible. Today when my husband walks into a room, my spirit stands in honor. It bows in respect to the position he holds. I strive to resist thoughts that would stand against his position. Little did I know that simple obedience to God’s Word would open a freedom to me that I had never known.

The benefits of this obedience could not be contained in this book or in hundreds of others. Without my telling Frank about my decision to have reverence for him, he began to change in ways that I never could have imagined in the first 15 years of our marriage. Time after time, I watched him start doing things I had only dreamed might happen.

It’s a very frustrating situation for them — one we struggled with for many years. My husband Steve just didn’t rise to the position of being a strong spiritual leader in our family. It was a continual matter of frustration for me as his wife and something I prayed about a lot.

The Lord led me to keep going under Steve and pushing him up … going under him and pushing him up … going under him and pushing him up. I was strong spiritually, but I knew the Lord wanted my husband to grow stronger; he just needed encouragement and help in our earlier years of being Christians, to get to that place.

Eventually, he became more confident in praying with us and for us and in time began sharing the Word with us as he grew in strength spiritually. He is now a very strong leader and I thank God for this.

It doesn’t always happen this way, as you may have seen or experienced yourself. But as you listen to God’s promptings and are obedient to His leading, and are patient, it CAN happen! With God, all things are possible!

We’d like to provide links to articles written on this subject, featured on several web sites. We hope that they might be inspiring and helpful as it will give you another way of looking at the situation.

To read these articles, click onto the links provided below.

• HOW CAN I MOTIVATE MY HUSBAND TO BE A SPIRITUAL LEADER?

• HELPING YOUR HUSBAND BECOME THE SPIRITUAL LEADER

• A WORK IN PROGRESS

• A HUSBAND’S SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP

• OUR FAMILY NEEDED A SPIRITUAL LEADER

“What I want women to understand is that every woman’s battle is not to compare their husbands to other men. I was in the process of doing that for a number of years. I compared him to my college professor — he wasn’t as intelligent; I compared him to my pastor — he wasn’t as spiritually passionate; I compared him to lots of other men — and in some way or another he didn’t measure up.

“If we look at the great things about other people, and then we look at our husbands, it’s not fair because we live with our husbands. We see the good, the bad, and the ugly.

“You know, we smell the bad breath; we see the toothpaste left in the sink; we see the cabinet doors open, and the dirty clothes on the floor, but we only see the good things in other people. We don’t see the good, the bad, and the ugly. With every unhealthy comparison, it breeds more disillusionment in your marriage, and it has the same effect as having an affair. You become so disheartened and disappointed that you begin to resent him.”

The above dialogue came from part one of a five part radio broadcast interview, produced by the ministry of Family Life Today with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine. At the bottom of this page we will provide links to their web site so you can read the rest of the transcript or you can choose to listen to the interview from their ministry over the internet— plus you can read or listen to the other four interviews.

But first we want to give you a few more “previews” into this interview so you hopefully, will be compelled to go further:

Dennis: I think our listeners need to know, that she wasn’t having an actual affair; it was an emotional fantasy.

Bob: I think that’s interesting, because men and women certainly entertain thoughts about people other than the folks you’re married to, but we entertain those thoughts differently as men and women, and I’m not sure that we really understand those differences.

Shannon: Absolutely not, and to use the word “entertain,” I don’t want women to get the impression that it’s appropriate to entertain the thoughts. It’s only human that we’re going to have those random thoughts come up in our mind, but to entertain them or fantasize over them or obsess over them or use those as a measuring stick by which we measure our husbands, that’s when it becomes very dangerous.

Bob: Yes, in the same way that it would be inappropriate or wrong for a man to linger with thoughts of another woman, or to stare. In that same way, a woman has to be on guard against the emotional fantasy and that comparison, and that’s where the romance novels and the soap operas really feed it.

Shannon: It feeds it like crazy, and Internet chat rooms are the latest frenzy in feeding these unhealthy behaviors. Often people say, “Every woman’s battle,” is about eating or shopping, and when I tell them, “It’s discovering God’s plan for sexual and emotional fulfillment,” so often the response is, “Women don’t really have sexual issues, do they?”

Or maybe men will say, “Maybe women have some issues, but it’s not near as strong as it is for men,” and I want to debate that. The visual stimulation is not as strong for women, but the emotional longings and the cravings of our heart and soul for love, intimacy, affection, and attention is just as difficult to deal with as the visual is for men.

Bob: What woke you up to this issue, personally?

Shannon: After about five years of marriage, I was actually thinking of leaving, because I felt so disappointed and disillusioned. It wasn’t a particular man that I wanted to leave for. I cried out to my husband, “You just don’t meet my emotional needs,” and he spoke the truth in love to me. He sat me down, and he said, “Shannon, you have a Grand Canyon of emotional needs, and even if every man in Dallas lined up outside your doorstep to spend time with you, it still wouldn’t be enough.” He said, “Until you look to God to meet these needs that you have, there is nothing that neither I nor any other man on the planet can do to satisfy you…”

Shannon then gave further testimony of what had happened in her life before and during that time and then she said:

I hadn’t had as much of a transformation in my life as I truly needed until an aerobics instructor invited me to lunch one day. He had made a comment that I took that to mean that perhaps he needed Jesus, and I went under the guise of “I’m going to share Jesus with him over lunch.”

Dennis: Now, you were married at the time. And you’re having lunch with another man?

Shannon: At the time I thought there was nothing wrong, because I thought that my motive was to share Jesus, but on the way there, I was praying, “Lord, help me keep my focus because his biceps are really big, and he’s really handsome, and he could be a distraction to me.” I knew my weakness, but I was sticking my head in the lion’s mouth praying, “Lord, protect me from the lion.”

But over lunch he said to me, “Would you like to know why I invited you to lunch?” And I said, “Sure.” He said, “It’s because you have a neon sign on your forehead.” I said, “Well, what does that sign say?” He said it says that you’re hungry for love and attention and affection. I thought he was coming on to me. I said, “How do I get that off, because I’m a happily married woman?” And he said, “Do you really want to know?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “You have to die to yourself.”

And he turned the tables, and ministered to me, and said, “Shannon, this is what I see in you. You come to aerobics class dressed not as much to sweat but to cause other men to sweat.” He said, “It’s the way you carry yourself. When you told me you were married, I was surprised. And when you told me that you were a youth minister, I was really surprised. The life that you are living is not consistent with the image that you are projecting.” That was a major wakeup call…”

There is a lot more to this interview that we wish we could add. But instead, we will send you to the web site for Family Life Today so you can read or listen to the entire interview there. We strongly urge you to do this! It’s a compelling interview and very helpful!

To either listen to (if your computer has sound capability) or read the rest of the transcript from the above interview (recently aired in February 2008) and the other four proceeding interviews with Shannon Ethridge with Dennis Rainey, click on the title of the following (and then arrow back for the next one:

• Guarding Against Emotional Fantasies (Day 1 of 5) Sexual temptation isn’t just a man’s battle. Women face it too, but usually in a different way. Shannon Ethridge talks with Dennis Rainey about facing sexual temptation with wisdom and integrity.

• Overcoming Disappointments (Day 2 of 5) Where does a woman’s battle with sexual temptation start? Shannon Ethridge says “it often begins in a heart of disappointment. She then goes on to explain “how to replace disappointment with contentment.”

• Guarding Your Heart (Day 3 of 5) Shannon Ethridge, a wife, mother and author of Every Woman’s Battle tells women that their greatest defense against sexual temptation is a good offense specifically, a guarded heart.

• Inspiring A Great Love (Day 4 of 5) Shannon Ethridge tells wives they should “inspire, not require intimacy” if they want their husbands to be their best friends.

• Healing from Battle Wounds (Day 5 of 5) Are private wounds keeping you from intimacy with your husband? Shannon Ethridge explains how women can find healing for the sexual scars of their past.

— ALSO —

An article to read that you might find helpful can be read by clicking onto:

• YOU’VE GOT LIES

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

As you explain the list to your husband, remember to discuss one need at a time until you’ve covered each subject. Your husband may have trouble accepting the importance of some of your needs, so you may have to discuss the difference between men and women where sensitivity is concerned. But be sure to maintain the right attitude while explaining. When you appeal to him for understanding, avoid self-pity, jealousy, and whining. These approaches are repulsive to anyone, especially your husband.

Finally, as you begin to discuss your needs, be sure to use the salt principle when appropriate. Look for creative ways and times to share these needs. For example, you might want to write your husband a letter explaining a few of your deepest longings. Be careful not to accuse or imply failure on his part; just explain how you feel. Let him read it alone if he chooses. Be sure he can read it during a calm, tension-free time of the day.

The Worst Approach
One woman told me she was extremely discouraged about her husband’s lack of interest in her. He had a tremendous drive and interest in his work, his friends, his pastimes, but almost no interest in her or their children. She talked on and on about how much she had tried to get him to change. Nothing seemed to work.

When I discussed it with her husband, I found she had continually confronted him with his failures as a husband. He said she always seemed to choose the wrong time to talk about their problems— “Just when I was trying to unwind.” To top it all off, she came across as a combination of prosecutor, judge, and jury.

Just before he went to bed, just as he got home from work, almost anytime he “let down” around her, she started condemning and reasoning.

I began to see that she had what I call a “contentious spirit,” one that always contends for its own way. She was constantly pushing him into a corner, trying to make him see her point of view.

Even the Bible describes the effects of a contentious woman. She drives out a man like the searing desert sun; she drives a man to the corner of a rooftop; she drips on a man like a steady rain (Proverbs 25:24; 21:19; 27:15).

What perfect analogies. Around the house this woman’s habits were as annoying as a constant dripping-like a leaky faucet. Her contention was like the sun beating down on a wayfarer in the desert. No matter where her husband turned, he couldn’t get away from it. He found no oasis of relief because she continually reminded him of his failures. Finally, her actions forced him to the corner of the rooftop with nowhere else to go.

Want to know what brought him down off the rooftop in a hurry? His wife got rid of her contentious spirit. Consequently, she inspired a tremendous change in her husband. Today she describes him as a much more loving husband who meets her needs in ways she never even dreamed possible.

Explaining your feelings and needs is not the same as voicing complaints. One couple, who constantly bickered, determined to go through a whole week without voicing any criticism. Rather than argue, each time either of them became irritated, they wrote it down.

Each time either was annoyed by the other’s failure, he or she wrote it down. They placed each “complaint” slip in one of two boxes, a “his” and a “hers” box. At the end of the week, they planned to open the boxes. He would read her complaints and she would read his.

Saturday night finally arrived, and he decided to go first. He opened the box and began to read the dozens of little notes, one at a time. His eyes reflected the hurt and disappointment in himself as he read the complaints. “You’ve been promising to fix the screen door for six months, and it’s still not fixed.” “You never put your socks in the dirty clothes.” “I’m getting sick and tired of having to pick up after you everywhere you go.” He was sincerely grieved by all the ways that he had offended his wife.

Then it was her turn. She opened the box and pulled out the first slip of paper. She read it with a lump in her throat. The next note brought tears to her eyes. Picking up three more notes, she read them quickly and began to weep. Every note in the box read, “I love you.” “I love you.” “I love you.”

Like many wives, you have been fooled into thinking that one day your complaints would finally re-mold your husband into the perfect mate. But I hope the example above clearly illustrates that unconditional love and tenderness, not complaints, can transform a cranky opponent into a humble, loving partner.

However, it is important to verbalize your feelings. One wife touched her husband’s heart with the note she wrote him. He actually changed his weekly schedule to include more time with her. The note read:

“Many days I feel like a shining little red apple —one of the top ones in a barrel. Everyday you come by and choose one, but never me. Your hand comes close, sometimes you even lift me up, but always you choose another. I’ve got a little worm growing inside me, and each day I become less attractive. I long for the day that you choose me!”

The above article came from the wonderful ministry of Dr Gary Smalley (from a newsletter we received from his ministry. Gary Smalley is the founder and chairman of the board of the Smalley Relationship Center which is one of the country’s best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. He has published more than 40 books. Gary and his wife, Norma, have built a family of three children and eight grandchildren. You can read other helpful articles provided from this wonderful ministry by clicking on the following: Smalley Relationship Center.

The Smalley Relationship Center also has a ministry called the DNA of Relationships. As well as ministering in many different ways it delivers a free e-mail newsletter to subscribers weekly. You can subscribe by clicking on the following: this newsletter.

For years I’ve applied the principle Gary teaches to my own marriage. I just happened to stumble upon this principle, applied it and have found it works really well! I wish I would have come across his article on this subject years ago because it would have saved me a lot of heartache.

But before I send you to Gary’s web site to read the article he wrote on this subject I want to interject something else I’ve learned from my experiences with men and women that might help you. WARNING: Most men don’t like to be taught — particularly if they think their wife is looking down on them because they didn’t “get it in the first place.”

Most men aren’t proud of the fact that they don’t just naturally understand how a woman needs to be treated. It makes them feel dumb and awkward. It has something to do with liking to come in and “save the day” — the whole Superman thing, if you will. Most women don’t get this because we don’t think in this same way. But for some reason it’s important to men—at least most men.

There are some men that are just plain narcissistic and they don’t really care about anything other than what ultimately pleases them. But what I’ve found is that this applies to very few men. If this is true of your husband I’m so very sorry that you’ve found yourself in a marriage with this type of man. This has GOT to be a heartbreaking situation. But please know that God can show you a way to gain comfort from God Himself and other “safe” friends —that doesn’t include someone from the opposite sex (other than a female family member).

Exposing yourself to that kind of temptation could eventually threaten your marriage and would be wrong on your part no matter how wrong your husband may be. You still need to honor God’s principles of right and wrong even if your spouse is wrong or is mentally or emotionally ill in some way.

However, most men are very teachable (although some men are slower in how fast they will “catch on” to what you’re teaching, so make sure you’re aware of this and adjust accordingly).

The important thing to note is that when you “teach” them, try to keep their dignity in tact. Find ways to teach them without making it look like they SHOULD have known these things before, because even if you think that’s true—they didn’t. Studies have shown that most men’s minds don’t naturally know these things. Their nurturing nature doesn’t seem to be as in tune as a woman’s. It can eventually become that way, but it often takes someone to have the patience and a teaching style that isn’t offensive to “waken” this part of their character.

So be patient and remember: he isn’t you. He can’t read your mind as well as you think he should. He may not be as intuitive on this level of being in a relationship, so cut him a little (and sometimes a lot) of slack and help him where he needs it without letting your pride or sarcasm take over what needs to be done.

After all, you aren’t “sharp” or near perfect in every area of living that there is either, are you? And neither is your husband, so be a dispenser of grace in this area of your lives together.

To read the article that Gary Smalley wrote please click onto the web site link below:

• WHY MOST MEN DON’T COMFORT

The longer you’ve been married, the longer your list of pet peeves is bound to be. It’s not so much that your husband has added more bad habits over the years, but simply that the ones that were easy to put up with in the early days of your marriage have gradually eaten away at your nerves. Now they’ve reached that really tender spot that makes you yell “Ouch!” — and the honeymoon Novocain has worn off.

How can you deal with irritating habits? Try speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Point out to your husband, in a calm voice and preferably with a sense of humor, that what he is doing really irritates you. Perhaps he’ll make an effort to change his ways. Old habits are very hard to break, though, so don’t expect miracles.

Once the behavior has been named, you can express your feelings the next time he repeats it. It’s far better to say, “You’re really irritating me again,” than to actually be driven crazy by holding in the anger.

Meanwhile, try to admit that you may have irritating habits yourself. Perhaps if you ask your husband to identify your little quirks and then spend time working on those, you won’t keep concentrating on his.

If this approach doesn’t work, consider wearing a “What Would Jesus Do?” bracelet. The bracelet itself might not be an ideal choice for your jewelry collection, but its motto is well worth remembering — especially at stressful moments. I’ve been thinking about printing “What Would Jesus Do?” on a sticky note and attaching it to our bathroom mirror. Then the next time I find the cap-less tube of toothpaste lying in a pool of sticky, cool mint gel, I might not lose my cool.

Don’t forget to pray for your husband. Ask for patience. Take your complaints to the Lord and leave them there. Trust Him to make things better between the two of you.

It might also help to write a list of things that are irritating you to distraction. When you look at it, you’ll see how insignificant most of the items are. True, fleas and ants are irritating despite their tiny size. But we need to develop a new attitude about this small stuff, heeding the title of Richard Carlson’s book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff … and It’s All Small Stuff. Let’s stop sweating and start counting to 10.

Once we’ve calmed down, we can start developing compassion for our mates — in spite of their irritating habits. (This sounds like something Jesus would do, doesn’t it?) As author Claudia Arp notes, it helps to remember that we are to “cleave” (Genesis 2:24, King James Version) to our spouses for life. “Cleaving,” writes Claudia, “means sticking together no matter what and giving each other permission to be less than perfect.” (This probably includes eating one’s cereal in a less than perfect way.) She suggests that we lighten up.

“There are times in marriage where you’ll either laugh or cry. Dave and I have decided if at all possible, we’ll choose laughter over tears.”

I opt for laughter — and I hope you do, too.

Don’t Touch That Button
Let’s look at two other areas where control battles are waged daily between spouses — television viewing and thermostat settings.

Many couples have different tastes when it comes to TV programs. The obvious solution is to purchase a second television set.

I wouldn’t recommend that for newlyweds. But seasoned couples — especially those who find themselves together 24 hours a day — can afford to spend a little time apart. Television viewing is one area where compromising seldom works; it’s unrealistic to expect an ESPN sports television fan to convert a Food Cooking Network fan, or vice versa.

If buying a second television set isn’t possible, try watching one show while taping another. Unfortunately, my husband and I can’t agree on who gets to see the live production and who has to wait to view the tape. That’s why we have “his” and “her” TV sets — one upstairs, one downstairs. (I take the upstairs because it’s so much warmer up there!)

Speaking of temperature, thermostats are a problem for many couples. You and your mate may be a perfect match, but chances are that your metabolisms are not. Control of the thermostat appears to be edging out the battle over the TV remote when it comes to the major source of arguments among spouses. One mate typically shivers while the other swelters and shouts of “Who messed with the thermostat?” echo off the walls.

At our house, it is considered a federal crime to move the thermostat needle more than one notch at a time. Just to be seen lurking near the thermostat is cause for suspicion. Short of installing a security camera, I don’t have a solution for this problem.

It would seem logical to keep the temperature at a low setting and let the cold-blooded ones grab a sweater and pile on the blankets. The less logical alternative would be to hitch it up to 80 degrees and let warm-blooded family members pass out from the heat. But when I voiced my opinion at a recent workshop, I was bombarded with hisses. I had unknowingly stumbled into a pit of cold-blooded creatures whose cry was, “Take it off, take it off,” rather than, “Pile it on.”

Because of this reaction, I no longer offer solutions. Instead, I ask for suggestions. One woman volunteered her husband’s unusual remedy: “He thinks I should go in for a blood transfusion once a month.” Thin-blooded people, take note!

The thermostat war will continue to rage for a long time. This is one area in which your compromising skills will be put to the test.

The Choice Is Yours
When it comes to dealing with the things about our husband that drive us to distraction, it pays to keep things in perspective. Commentator Andy Rooney might have had that in mind when he wrote these words in a list called “What I’ve Learned”:

• I’ve learned that being kind is more important than being right.

• I’ve learned that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

• I’ve learned that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow you may have to eat them.

• I’ve learned that I can’t choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do.

We can’t help it if our husband gets on our nerves at times. But we can help what we do with our angry feelings. We can choose to count to ten, shoot off a prayer for patience, or laugh it off. I think I’ll go for all three.

This article was adapted from the book, Honey I’m Home for Good…The ABC’s of Lovin’ and Livin’ with Your Stay-at-Home Hubby, written by Mary Ann Cook. This is a Focus on the Family Book, published by Tyndale House Publications www.tyndale.com. This book gives biblical advice for adjusting to the new situation, including do’s and don’ts, tips on balancing togetherness with each person’s individuality, and ideas for establishing new routines.

Author, Mary Ann Cook has been the wife of a work-at-home spouse since 1992. She and her husband, Ken, have two grown children and one grandson. They live in Southern California.

He Needs to be Admired Being appreciated is a man’s primary need. He measures his worth through his achievements, big and small, and needs them to be recognized. A woman’s need for admiration and appreciation, while certainly important, is rarely as strong. When a woman seeks appreciation she is more accurately wanting to be understood, to be validated. You see, there is a significant difference between men and women when it comes to being admired. Men derive their worth more from what they do, while women derive their worth more from who they are.

Look at it this way. When women do not receive admiration from their spouse, they tend to be more motivated than ever to earn it. But when a man does not receive admiration from his spouse, he begins to lose motivation to try. Without a feeling of being admired, a man’s energy is drained. He soon feels inadequate and incapable of giving support. Without being admired, men lose their will to give.

You have no idea how damaging a critical statement is to your man’s personal power. He responds to not being admired the same way you do when he invalidates your feelings. It is demoralizing.

I counseled a woman who became confused when, after criticizing her husband, he did not try harder to earn appreciation from her. She mistakenly assumed that she could manipulate him to give more by withdrawing her appreciation. But that never works with a man. Admiration is the fuel a man needs to get going. It gives him power.

Now, before you begin heaping words of praise on your spouse, I need to give you a word of caution. Never fake your admiration. By simply saying flattering words to your husband, you can do more harm than good. To have any value, praise must genuinely reflect your feelings.

He Needs to Have Autonomy During our first year of marriage, I remember bursting into Les’s study to let him know I was home. He was beginning a grueling doctoral program, and I had just begun a new job. “How are you doing?” I asked as I slipped behind his desk and wrapped my arms around his neck.

He sat almost motionless, taking notes on a yellow pad. So I tried again: “Did you have a good day?” This time I heard a slight sound. “Mm-hmm,” he murmured. “You wouldn’t believe all the stuff that happened to me today,” I started to say. Les interrupted, “Give me a minute here, ok?”

I walked out of the room feeling terribly dejected. “Why doesn’t he welcome my caring for him?” I thought. “I would stop anything I was doing if he greeted me that way.”

Only later in our marriage did I realize what was actually going on. Men and women cope differently with stress. According to John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, men, when faced with stress, “become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times a man’s needs for feeling good are different from a woman’s. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems.”

Once I understood this distinction, I was able to meet one of Les’s primary needs—to be autonomous. It is a universal male need. Whenever a man is under stress (an important deadline is approaching, he is under pressure at work, etc.), he requires a little space.

At such times he becomes absent-minded, unresponsive, absorbed, and preoccupied. Unlike women, men typically don’t want to talk about the situation, they don’t want to be held or comforted—not until they have had time to themselves.

I have learned from experience that if I try too early to disengage Les from his problem, I get only a small part of his attention while he continues to mull over whatever is really on his mind. It is as if he is temporarily incapable of giving me the attention I want until he has a moment to adjust to his agenda. I now know enough to say, “Is this a good time to interrupt?” and he can say, “I need another five minutes” or “I’d really like to unwind by watching the news first.”

You see, part of the need for autonomy is the man’s need to have time to regroup. Some wives complain because their husbands don’t immediately talk about their day when they come home from work. They first want to read the paper or water the lawn, anything to clear their mind before engaging in the relationship. It’s a male thing. But giving your husband space when he needs it, whether you understand it or not, will gain you a happier husband.

This idea of giving my husband autonomy was a difficult lesson for me to learn. I instinctively wanted to support him in the way that I would want to be supported. If I were in his shoes, for example, I would want to be asked lots of questions about how I was feeling. I would want to be held and pampered. But that’s a woman’s way, not a man’s….

One of the great gaps between husbands and wives is in their notions of emotional intimacy. If you are like most women, intimacy means sharing secrets, talking things over, cuddling, and so on. But a man builds intimacy differently. He connects by doing things together (remember, men focus on achievement). Working in the garden or going to a movie with his wife gives him a feeling of closeness.

Husbands place surprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions. The commercial caricature of men out in the wilderness, cold beer in hand, saying, “It doesn’t get any better than this,” is false. It can get a lot better than that when a wife joins her husband in a shared activity that he enjoys.

Les recently came home from a speaking engagement in Lake Tahoe. Before he left he was excited because he was going to fly in a day early and do some skiing on his own time. I was so happy for him. He loves to ski—fast—and when we go together I always feel like I am slowing him down. But when he came home from his trip I was shocked by his report: “Well, the powder was great and the weather was perfect, but it’s just not the same skiing without you.” Wow! All the time I thought I was a tag-along, and it turns out that he doesn’t really enjoy it without me.

Now, I’ve counseled enough women to know that you might be saying, “What do you do if your activities have little in common?” The answer: Cultivate your spheres of interest. Don’t allow you and your partner to drift apart because you can’t find something enjoyable to do together. I have seen too many marriages fizzle because a wife didn’t use her creative energies to build enjoyable moments of fun and relaxation with her husband.

Make a careful list of recreational interests your husband enjoys. Here are a few to get you started: antique collecting, any and all sports, camping, canoing, table games, puzzles, cooking, dancing, hiking, horseback riding, jogging, movie-going, ice-skating, sailing, listening to music, swimming, traveling, walking, woodworking, and so on. Your list should be as long as possible. Next, circle those activities that you might find somewhat pleasurable. You can probably find a good half-dozen activities that you can enjoy with your husband. Your next task is to schedule these activities into your recreational time together.

If you learn to meet your husband’s need for recreational companionship, you will discover that you are not only husband and wife, but best friends too.

The above article comes from the book, “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, by Dr Les Parrott and Dr Leslie Parrott www.realrelationships.com, published by Zondervan publishing. This book is based on the fact that marriage doesn’t have to be a gamble. As psychologist Les and marriage and family therapist Leslie, who counsel hundreds of married couples, they have Learned that living happily ever after is less a mystery than a mastery of certain skills. Although married life will always have its difficulties, you will steadily and dramatically improve your relationship skills.” They’ve also written two companion workbooks— one for the man and one for the woman.

-ALSO-

To read additional articles on this subject, please click onto the links below to read:

• THE MAN WHISPERER

• THE SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED WOMEN

• MARRIAGE SECRETS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

We’ve personally heard quite a few women say, “Who is this man I married? He’s nothing like the person I thought I married!” (And to be honest, many men have said the same thing about their wives.)

Wouldn’t it be nice if, on our wedding day, we were handed a manual that explains why our spouse does what he or she does, or says what she or she says? Or even a small “cheat sheet” would be nice!

Well, here’s a little tidbit from one man that might give some insight to some of you about your husband:

“While we husbands benefit greatly from being married, we often don’t communicate it well. Women are into relational nuances—the meaning behind the meaning behind the meaning. Men basically wonder if there are any more mashed potatoes.” (Ron Lee)

Now, not all men are this way, in fact, some of them are quite different. That is the uniqueness of human beings. The Bible says we are “wonderfully and fearfully” “woven together” in a way that God knows and understands. But it sure would be nice if we understood some of the mysteries of our spouse!

We can learn a lot in the Bible, but there is still a lot more we have to learn through other means as our “Wonderful Counselor” the Holy Spirit guides us and helps us. We just have to be pro-active and pray and listen and see and read.

While we can’t supply a lot of information for you here. We are providing a few links to other articles posted on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman, that might at least help some of us gain a little better understanding of our husbands.

The first one is written my Ron Lee with it’s one man’s “take” on “why men act the way they do.” And the next article is written by Ted and Gretchen Harro, where they help you to better understand how a man thinks.

To read the articles click onto the links below:

• WOULD SOMEONE EXPLAIN MY HUSBAND PLEASE?

• JOURNEY INTO THE MALE MIND

And then to read a variety of other articles that might further help you, below is another link to the web site for Today’s Christian Woman where they supply a number of articles. Just click onto the link below and select what you would like to read:

• MARRIAGE: UNDERSTANDING YOUR MAN

When you’re done reading the above articles:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

In response to his earthy behavior and appearance, she attacks him verbally and even, on occasion, physically. She screams at him, berates him, and belittles him. “If he won’t treat me as a wife,” she explains, “I won’t treat him as a husband.” In essence, she’s saying, “If he’s going to be irresponsible as a husband, then I’m going to be irresponsible as a wife.”

This is a common and often relationally fatal attitude.

This woman’s friend concedes that marriage with such a man must indeed be a trial, but she wonders if perhaps the woman isn’t making a bad situation even worse. “In the first place,” the friend says, “remember you must put up with your husband, whatever he’s like. Better, therefore, to put up with one who behaves himself or is made a little more accommodating by our politeness than with one who’s made worse from day to day by our harshness.”

This very practical advice, though ancient, has many contemporary applications. You may indeed be married to a difficult man—but is your response making the situation slightly more tolerable, or would you prefer to give in to your anger and keep making the situation worse? The beauty of your responsibility is likely to rub off onto your husband; but even if it doesn’t, it’ll still make your home a more pleasant place and at least testify to your children about what a God-honoring life looks like. If you can’t give your children two godly parents, at least give them one.

Remember, Jesus’ advice is radical. We’re responsible to love even the unlovely. Luke 6:32-36 says:

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ’sinners’ lend to ’sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

Such a love can work transforming wonders.

“Wouldn’t you change [your husband] from drunk to sober, spending thrift to thrifty, idler to worker?” Erasmus’s wise woman asks her friend. “Indeed I would, but where can I find those arts?” “But you’ve those very arts in yourself, if only you’re willing to make use of them. He’s yours whether you like it or not; that’s settled. The better you make him, the better off you’ll be. You have eyes only for his failings. These intensify your disgust, and with this handle you’re simply catching him where he can’t be held. Mark the good in him, rather, and by this means take him where he can be held. The time to weigh his faults was before you married him, since a husband should be chosen not only with eyes, but with ears too. Now is the time for improving him, not blaming him.”

I love that phrase: “Now is the time for improving him, not blaming him!” It’s a stark admission — since you’re stuck with him, and since God is still going to call you to live up to your responsibilities and commitments, what are you going to do? Wallow in your misery, or decide to make the marriage more pleasant by your own actions? It may never become as pleasant as you once dreamed; but can you make it more pleasant than it is? Will you rise up and assume this responsibility, or will you shrink back and let things grow even worse?

The frustrated wife goes on to complain about how long this process of change might take, and her friend gently chides her: “Would you shrink from working hard to reform your husband, with whom you might spend your life pleasantly? How much labor men put into training a horse! And shall we be hesitant about laboring to make our husband more tractable?”

“What should I do?”

“I’ve already told you. See that everything at home is neat and clean and there’s no trouble that will drive him out of doors. Show yourself affable to him, always mindful of the respect owed by wife to husband. Avoid gloominess and irritability. Don’t be disgusting or wanton. Keep the house spic-and-span. You know your husband’s taste; cook what he likes best. Be cordial and courteous to his favorite friends too. … See that everything is cheerful at home. If he strums his guitar when he’s a bit tipsy, accompany him with your singing. Thus you’ll get your husband used to staying at home and you’ll reduce expenses. At long last he’ll think, ‘I’m a fool to waste my money and reputation away from home on a drab when I have wife much nicer and much fonder of me, from whom I can get a more elegant and more sumptuous welcome.’”

If you’re a working woman, you need to modify this advice; but the spirit behind it remains relevant. Maintain a positive attitude; don’t resent your husband. You might even use some of your hard-earned income to occasionally buy him tickets to a favorite sporting event. Decide to bless him and make his life more pleasant. Be responsible with regard to God’s calling to be a practical helper to your husband.

As a wife finally becomes persuaded to give this a shot, she tells her friend, “May Christ favor our effort!” She replies, “He will — if only you do your part.”

Yes, the conversation seems dated, given today’s views on marriage, but much truth remains buried in this account. Moving your husband toward better character and godliness may indeed involve a lot of work and take many years, but I’ve talked to many people who have gone through divorce — and the work, heartache, and pain involved in that choice is far greater than you could imagine. Just about every divorced individual I’ve talked to has encouraged me to urge others to spend at least the same amount of time and effort trying to save the marriage as they’ll have to spend coping with the pain, heartache, and financial cost of a split.

…Marriage constitutes a claim, a call, and a commitment. I firmly believe you will have the richest, most fulfilling life when you take seriously your responsibility to fulfill each of these.

Do you truly want to influence your husband? Then work hard to become a responsible wife. The world may not applaud your efforts, but your God will reward you, and your husband will praise you. Granted, “responsible wife” may not sound very sexy — I guarantee you they won’t ever film a prime-time television drama using that phrase — but the concept is biblically important and powerful and life-giving. Responsibility really will bring the joy and excitement of spiritual beauty into your home and heart.

“Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayers for that person… If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.

“Here is a simple rule of thumb for your behavior. Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? …I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never—I promise —regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind.

“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, and criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.” (Luke 6:27-38, The Message)

One way you can tell that you are walking in the Spirit in your marriage is to ask: Is my husband’s response my goal, or am I doing this to please the Lord?

God will enable you to be compassionate to someone who doesn’t deserve it, just as He was and is to you.

Ask yourself, “Why is my husband moody and sharp with me?” Often the answer is that you are simply catching the overflow of what happened to him at work, with his parents, or with some other problem. Is this fair? No, but life isn’t always fair. Consider other possibilities as well: Is he stressed about something in particular? Is he fatigued due to extra house he’s putting in at work? Is he going through a difficult time with someone? Ask God to give you understanding and patience during these times and continue to treat your husband lovingly, regardless of how he may be treating you.

Don’t be so sensitive that you let your feelings and emotions be set by another’s treatment of you. Jesus didn’t do that. He continued to live His life with honor, dignity, love, and mercy through the most difficult times. Don’t be judgmental or unfriendly. Don’t allow yourself to be too easily wounded, crushed, or hurt. Guard against bitterness and being quick to forgive. Ask Jesus to help develop these attitudes in you when you face challenging times.

Be a Blessing
Your job is to bless (1 Peter 3:9, The Message). Put another way, it reads like this:

Never return evil for evil or insult for insult—scolding, tongue-lashing, berating; but on the contrary blessing—praying for their welfare, happiness, and protection, and truly pitying and loving them. For know that to this you have been called, that you may yourselves inherit a blessing [from God]—obtain a blessing as heirs, bringing welfare and happiness and protection. (1 Peter 3:9, AMP)

Holy, beautiful women never return harsh words, but instead give a blessing back! One way to do this is through prayer. Do you see that the blessed outcome of our unselfish prayer for our husbands’ welfare, happiness, and protection is that we inherit these things as well?

Have you and your husband ever been in the following cycle? He raises his voice; you raise yours. He becomes louder; you retaliate.

This is an endless cycle, but the dynamics of it can be broken quickly if you no longer react. You can choose to act instead in a manner the Bible says is right. Your consistent, sweet, silent response to poor behavior may be the very thing God uses to change your husband. Don’t give in to the urge to let your silence be cold and stony.

When Jesus was oppressed and afflicted, He did not open His mouth (Isaiah 53:7; Matthew 26:63; 27:12-14, NASB). Mark says that Pilate was amazed at how Jesus stayed silent in the midst of the accusations that were swirling around Him. Only when He was placed under oath and asked whether He was the King of the Jews did He humbly reply, “Yes, it is as you say” (Mark 15:2).

If your husband is short-tempered and impatient, try remaining silent in love. Stop participating in the vicious cycle of “he gets angry; I get angry.” Choose not to react during heated times. Wait until your husband has cooled down or is more rested before discussing things.

Suppose you had two dogs. Let’s say one was red and the other blue. What would happen if you fed only the red dog and not the blue one? The red dog would become bigger and stronger while the blue one became weaker. Over time, Red would thrive, while Blue shriveled away.

Every time you act in a loving way toward your husband, it’s as if you’re feeding the red dog and refusing to feed the blue one. The basic principle is simple: Feed Red, and starve Blue! Each time you do this, it becomes more and more a part of your natural response. What you’re doing is training your mind to think in a new way, and each successive attempt becomes easier.

Begin now to pray that you will have the strength to do this, and begin praying scripturally and fervently for your husband.

How to Pray Scripturally
An example is given in Colossians of a powerful way to pray. You might consider praying for your husband in such a way. Pray that he will:

• be filled with the knowledge of God’s will,
• have spiritual wisdom and understanding,
• walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, living a life full of integrity,
• please the Lord in all respects and do those things that bring glory to God,
• bear fruit in every good work,
• increase in the knowledge of God,
• be strengthened with all power according to the Lord’s glorious might,
• attain steadfastness and patience,
• joyously give thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. (Colossians 1:9-12)

The above article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife: God’s Plan … by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah. What’s great about this book is that the authors confidently write as “voices of experience.” They explain that, “Between the two of us, we bought into the modern-day thinking regarding marriage, for nearly 40 years! During that very long time, we flowed right along with emerging cultural values and became entrenched in the idea that our husbands had to earn their way to our hearts.” They go on to explain that they came to realize this way of measuring and giving out love was “faulty for a number of reasons. For one thing, we were clueless to the fact that our measuring tools did not take into account that a man’s way of showing love to a woman oftentimes does not directly correspond to how a woman perceives love. Because we were using the wrong measuring tools, we didn’t realize that our husbands had been expressing their love to us all along —but from their male perspective (imagine that!)” You’ll really want to read the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife to find out what they learned and the spiritual principles upon which their discoveries are founded so your marriage could benefit also.

Excerpted from The Politically Incorrect Wife © 2000-2002 by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

-ALSO-

You may find the following radio series broadcasts titled “How to Live with the Fools in Your Life” to be helpful on this same subject. Please click onto the links provided below to read the transcripts for:

• CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

• ARE YOU APPROACHABLE?

• DIFFUSING THE SITUATION

• A SOFT ANSWER

• A HAPPY ENDING?

• DEATH BRINGS LIFE

If you have any additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

So many women write to me to tell about their husbands, who either are not Christians at all or they’re not behaving like Christians even though they claim to be one. So what we need to do is to learn to see Christ in our husbands. Jesus said whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine you did for Me. He also said whatever you did not do for one of the least of these you did not do for Me. That’s from Matthew 25:40 and 45.

Here is perhaps one of the most difficult but also most transforming truths for a wife to grasp. She lives with a fallible human being 365 days a year. And so does he. Her husband does not always act like Christ, nor does she. Yet the Bible gives clear instructions to both.

Look up Ephesians 5:24 and 28. These instructions seem impossible. The husband is to love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife is to respect or reverence her husband. Let’s remember that what is impossible with men is possible with God, and He has never issued a command which He will not enable us to fulfill.

And I want to repeat that. God has never issued a command, which He will not enable us to fulfill. The question is, “Will we choose to obey?” Because I receive so many more letters from wives than from husbands, I will leave the “but what about him” to God and try to address the difficulties that we wives face.

What is a wife to do if he is being disobedient in any way to what God says? I am very grateful for the shining testimonies of several women who have found love, joy and peace by following the clear word of Scripture. Their marriages, once difficult, have been totally transformed. Might we, who earnestly desire that God’s will be gladly obeyed in our home, trust God to help us toward that transformation?

He will, I believe, if we begin with Jesus’ three conditions for discipleship in Matthew 16:24.

Number one: give up your right to yourself. That is a tough command and a scary thought, to give up your right to yourself.

Number two: take up the cross, which means suffering.

Number three, follow a daily obedience. Give up your right to yourself, take up the cross and follow. Do you want to be a disciple? Those are the conditions.

Once having made up our minds to be disciples, we may then study the specific teaching on marriage. Number one, what are the respective roles of husband and wife? Look first at Ephesians 5:22-33. The husband represents Christ, as He is head of the church. The wife represents the Church, the bride of Christ. This means that she is assigned a subordinate position, one which the world despises. “As the church submits to Christ,” the Bible says, “so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” That’s Ephesians 5:24.

Subordination is not inferiority. It is divine, drawn from the very nature of God. The Holy Spirit witnesses to Christ. Christ witnesses to the Father. And in obedience to His Father, He was willing to be made a little lower than the angels. That is, He was willing to be a mere man.

P. T. Forsyth wrote, “Without the spirit of subordination there is no true piety, no manly nobility and no womanly charm. Such a concept is vehemently opposed by the world today. But if we insist on equality, we refuse the divine order which brings harmony.”

Now we’re down to number two. Number one was what are the respective roles of husband and wife? Number two, what shall we wives do if the husband is disobedient to the Word? Peter answers the question, 1 Peter 3:1-2. “Wives, in the same way,” referring to Jesus’ response to insults, suffering and injustice in the previous chapter, “be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” Is it easy for you women to keep silence? Well, it certainly isn’t for me.

One of my friends has cheered me greatly by her own testimony. She wanted, above all, to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings. She offers this suggestion: “When your husband comes home, say to yourself, ‘Christ returns. Practice readiness.’ When he is hungry or thirsty, give to him as if he were Christ, remembering that it is Christ he represents.

What a privilege we have to minister to him, just as the women of the New Testament did. If your husband is disobedient to the Word in any way, don’t get headaches trying to be quiet. Put an imaginary blanket over his face to cover a multitude of sins and not bring them to mind.”

This paragraph that I’ve just read comes from a woman named Lori Morrison, and I think she’s learned a lot of great lessons along these lines. Try to see Christ in the man you live with, even though he may be acting in a less than Christ-like way. Rest on this, “You married women should adapt yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they do not obey the Word of God, they may be won to God without a word being spoken-simply by seeing the pure and reverent behavior of you, their wives.”

Verse 6 refers to the example of Sarah, whose husband Abraham asked her to do some foolish things. Yet, she obeyed him, called him her master and did not give way to hysterical fears.

We give ourselves many excuses for failure to comply with our husband’s wishes. Often it is merely that we prefer something else and we’re unwilling to surrender our preferences. A more serious objection is fear that our husband’s decisions will be unwise and perhaps even disastrous. This is our opportunity to trust God in the man He has given over us.

My friend says,

“If the disobedience is an unkind or harsh attitude, instead of pulling away, nursing wounds, say, ‘You, Father, have put this upon me. It’s from your dear hand, your appointed trial for me right now, and I accept it with joy.’”

Beware, however, of a martyr complex, which leads to that terrible temptation of our enemy, the devil, called self-pity. If we get down on our knees and offer up our sufferings to Christ, He knows just what to do with them. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way just as we are, yet without sin.” That’s Hebrews 4:15.

Beware also of saying, “But what about me? Why am I the one who always has to give in?” That question cloaks a critical spirit. Love aims always at unity and at the good of the other. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Another translation says, “Love never gives up.” That paragraph that I just read is from 1 Corinthians 13. I commend it to you to memorize, 1 Corinthians 13.

Spend more time thanking God for your husband than you do in criticizing him. Pray for him earnestly and daily, asking the Lord to help you to practice the self-giving, sacrificial love that He showed to us on the cross, accepting the terrible injustice as the Father’s will. Treat him exactly as you would wish to treat Christ if He came into your home. Can we do that? No, not by ourselves, but we are not alone.

God speaks peace to our souls. “Do not fear, for I am with you,” He says. “Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” God bless you.

“Years ago I wrote to ask for prayer because my husband was badly wounded by friendly fire during Army training. The response I received was timely and right on. You see, my husband’s injury involved the whole right side of his brain, and blinded and paralyzed him. There was a major change in my life that I was not handling very well. How was I to obey a man whom I could not trust to make even routine decisions, never mind life-sustaining, life-changing ones?

“God’s grace was sufficient for me and your timely counsel and prayer and the prayer support of many friends got me over the initial hump. But the ongoing, day-to-day living can get depressing if your focus is on your circumstances instead of on the Mighty God who chose every path for you.

“What really helps me daily is offering up today in prayer all that I am-that I will respond with instant obedience to God’s plan for me. Saying that prayer every morning helps me to get a right perspective for the day.

“I must tell you that seeing Christ in my husband keeps me in check, a little nervous to do or say anything that would offend my Lord. I have found that even in submitting totally to my brain-damaged husband there is complete and total joy and peace as I know only God can protect and lead me —even through him —and that He is able. The more I submit to my husband’s leadership, to the family, the more of a great leader he becomes. The more successful he is, the more motivated he is to continue on.

“We have been blessed with three more children since his injury, which has really cemented our relationship. I love trusting God through this man; He gives me more love for him every day.

“We’ve been married now almost nineteen years. I wouldn’t trade my cross for anything. I wake in the morning excited for how God will show Himself to me this day; I seek Him and find Him in every little thing. I urge women who have trouble serving a ‘whole’ man, give it up; it’s not worth holding on to if you can’t keep it anyway. Jim Elliot said it better than anyone else; ‘He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.’

“Yes, I see Christ Himself in my disabled husband. I see the wounded head bowed down for me. I see the stripes taken for my sins. I see the pierced and bleeding hands and feet. Now I see the scars, signs that the wounds are healed and He walks and talks with me daily. Not a bone was broken but there was a lot bleeding; was I worth such suffering?

“Are we worth all the work our husbands put into living with and serving us, providing for our children, paying all the bills? I want to be worth it all. I feel like a gift. Every day I’m unwrapped, are the recipients going to like what they see? May God let it be so!

“As a mother, I realize the awesome responsibility we have in keeping out attitudes in check, because as the heart of the home, we do set the atmosphere. Thank you, Mrs. Elliot for your timely teaching, I’m convinced that your work and words are of Lord and we thank Him for you. We continue to hold you up for clarity of mind and speech as you asked in your last letter.”

[Elisabeth Elliot goes on to say:] Well, thank you so very much. I won’t give you the lady’s name, but that is a most unusual story, a wonderful story of how in spite of very grave injuries, this husband is still the head of the house and the wife is loving him and submitting to him and praying for him. In that letter I counted that there were at least four times, she speaks about the word prayer.

• Seeing Christ in Your Husband, September 2000. To read it in it’s entirety CLICK HERE and logging in. 

• Acceptance Through Prayer, May 23, 2001. To read it in it’s entirety CLICK HERE
and logging in. 

We and our relationships are a lot like that. When we treat someone as a valued gift and invest ourselves in his or her care, we build up that person’s feelings of self-worth and draw closer to them as well.

When a wife respects, nurtures, and affirms her husband, it deepens her love for him. On the other hand, when we don’t regard something as valuable and neglect it, our feelings for it begin to wane. At the top of any man’s list of needs is respect from his mate; God created men that way. He needs respect as much from his wife as he needs air to breathe. A man who doesn’t receive respect from his wife is a man who begins to wither on the inside. He’s all right as long as no one is standing on the air hose running to the tank labeled Respect.

That is exactly why God calls wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33).

Some believe that respect is something we all must earn. But just like love, respect from spouse to spouse must be unconditional. This is what Scripture teaches: “Show proper respect to everyone … not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh” (1 Peter 2:17-18).

I’ve seen numerous instances in which a wife began to believe in her husband and showed him respect. The husband, in turn, began to change-both in his own thinking and beliefs and in how he treated and responded to his wife.

How can a wife show respect for her husband? Here are just a few examples:

• Express faith in his decision and ability.

• Leave him notes (men respond better to the written word) that tell him how much you value who he is as a person (and sometimes for his work).

• If he botches a task at home, don’t sigh, roll your eyes, and mutter at him; instead, thank him for trying.

• Make positive suggestions without demanding an immediate answer. Ask him to reflect on it for a while.

• Listen to his upsets and don’t take his anger personally.

• Let him vent when he needs to.

• Encourage him in areas where he doesn’t feel secure and let him know you stand behind him.

• When he makes a decision you’re not in favor of, listen.

• Talk about his positive strengths in front of the children.

• Praise him at least once a day.

• Discover the uniqueness of his personality and learn to understand him and communicate better with him.

• Accept his maleness and celebrate the differences that come from this.

Ask yourself which of these you did this past month in an effort to show your husband respect. Then ask yourself how you’ll find ways to do these things in the coming month and beyond.

Here’s a good example of a wife showing her husband respect, admiration, and love he needed from her:

One of the pastors I respected greatly was E.V. Hill, who served for many years as pastor of Mt. Zion Missionary Baptist Church in Los Angeles. When E.V. first began in the ministry, he was a hard worker who wanted to provide for his wife, but he was also a young preacher who struggled to make enough money just to pay for the necessities.

Pastor Hill’s wife appreciated his efforts to protect and provide for her, even though some months there wasn’t enough money to pay all the bills. One night, he came home and noticed immediately that the house was dark. When he opened the door, he saw that his wife, Jane, had prepared a candlelight dinner. He loved the idea, but when he went to the bathroom to wash up, he flipped the light switch and nothing happened. Then he went to the bedroom and tried the lights. Again… there was nothing. The entire house was dark.

He went back and asked his wife why the lights didn’t work. Jane began to cry and said, “You work so hard, but it’s rough. I didn’t have enough money to pay the electric bill. I didn’t want you to know about it, so I thought we would just eat by candlelight!”

Dr. Hill described this experience with deep emotion: “My wife could have said, “I never had this happen in the home I was raised in.” But she didn’t berate or blame him. Instead she said, “Somehow we’ll get these lights back on, but tonight let’s eat by candlelight.”

Our calling to love and respect is a calling regardless of what the other person does. It’s sacrificial. It’s in the scriptures. It works!

The above article comes from the book, One Marriage Under God -by H. Norman Wright, published by Multnomah www.multnomahbooks.com. This is a book that will help you see things from God’s perspective, clarifying the institution of marriage as God originally created it—a beautiful committed, eternal bond. Dr. Wright helps you see how this bond leaves only one option for anyone who’s ever said I do: Make it work, no matter what! This book gives insights on: Whether you married the “right” or “wrong” person is entirely up to you… God has a good plan for every marriage … Your marriage needs to be re-created daily… The culture’s alternatives to marriage are destructive; God’s plan is flawless… The benefits of marriage are a carefully guarded secret… and “Me” or “We?”

We women are very good at pointing out our husbands’ faults and failures and punishing them for not meeting our needs, but that only leads to discontent and distance in our marriages. We all know that yelling, nagging, and belittling are disrespectful and ineffective. So I’m suggesting a radical concept: Treat him like a king, and eventually, he will begin to treat you like a queen.

Instead of waiting for him earn your respect, behave respectfully and watch him grow into the man God designed him to be.

Twenty five years ago, our marriage was on the brink of divorce. I was controlling, critical and disrespectful so Ron was defensive and angry. We were both Christians but neither of us was living a spirit-filled life. I was letting my emotions determine my actions and thought it was Ron’s job to make me happy. But through a series of miracles (read my book for the whole story) we made a decision to rebuild our marriage.

We went to a Christian counselor who read Ephesians 5:33 “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband” and said “Nancy, the only way you will win Ron back and stay married is if you begin to respect your husband.” I knew he was right so I swallowed hard and came up with a plan.

Here are three of the ways I began to respect Ron: They are easy to remember because they spell out the goal—to treat him like a V.I.P.

Respect him Verbally, Intellectually, and Physically.

Verbally: Cut out (ok… cut back) complaining and add in compliments.

If you want to have a peaceful, happy marriage, learn the art of the compliment. Compliments are like magnets and the more you compliment your husband the more he will be attracted to you. Begin to notice when he does it right and verbally encourage him by complimenting him at least once a day.

If you are having a hard time thinking of anything to admire, consider these categories: physical traits, mental skills, financial strengths, spiritual growth, or healthy relationships with others (children, parents, or friends).

You may be asking “Hey, why should I compliment him when he NEVER compliments me?” It’s because, if you want your marriage to grow and bloom, you’ll have to water it with kindness and encouragement. Then, as he sees your sincere efforts, he will begin to change too. Don’t give up.

If you do need to bring up a difficult issue, place it between two compliments, also known as a “Compliment Sandwich.” Here’s an example, “Honey, I know how hard you work for our money and that Sally’s braces will be expensive, but I need your decision before her appointment tomorrow. I hope we can do this for her, but if you want to wait, I trust your judgment. What should I tell the orthodontist?”

Intellectually:
Men like to solve problems and fix things. So appeal to his intelligence by asking him to help you solve a problem. Instead of saying “This garage is a mess, clean up your camping stuff!” Try, “I’d like your help with something. Could you figure out a storage system for all the camping supplies?”

Don’t imply that he isn’t smart. Instead of saying “I think you are wrong about…” Say, “I’m confused about… please explain it again” (Remember to keep your tone of voice sarcasm-free.)

Request his help on Spiritual matters too. Ask him to explain a passage of Scripture or ask him to pray for you when you are going through a difficult time. If your husband is not the spiritual leader in your home, continue to pray for him and ask him if there is anything you are doing that is hindering his relationship with God.

Men don’t give a lot of weight to feelings—show them facts and they’ll be more likely to listen. For example: if he wants to buy a car that you think is too expensive, don’t launch into a hissy-fit, write out your monthly expenses and ask him what other things should be cut out in order to buy his car. Let the facts speak for you.

When you cannot reach an agreement, instead of trying to wear him down by nagging or crying say, “Is that your final decision or can I still try to convince you?” If it’s his final decision, then honor it. It’s freeing—let him carry the responsibility of your family.

Physically:
Physically ask what he would like you to do and then, do it. Find out what his top three needs are. Ron likes the laundry done, sex a least twice a week (guaranteed!) and he likes me to keep my “girly-make-up stuff” off of the bathroom counter. If these top needs are met, he’s content and easy to get along with. I know it sounds simple, but each of us have different things that make us feel loved and appreciated. You won’t know what he wants unless you ask him.

Be aware of your body language. You can communicate disrespect by rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, or slamming doors. Reflect your new decision to respect your husband in your heart, mind, and body.

Change your attitude and actions

Respect is both a verb and a noun: an action and an attitude so begin today to respect your husband in thought, word, and deed. He will be more willing and able to give you the love and affection you need if he is respected and admired. When I began to respect my husband, he was skeptical at first. However as he saw that I was committed to change, he began to treat me differently—lovingly. We now teach at couples’ events, helping others discover the blessings of true love in action.

Ask the Lord to strengthen you as you obey His word.

Remember:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

The above article is adapted from the great book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage, by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. This book was written by a woman who strayed to the other side of the marital fence — and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered, this book focuses on how to grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing six protective “hedges” around it. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.

Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.

There are many women who try to encourage the men in their lives, and even think they are doing so. But it’s difficult to be an encourager if we don’t understand what encouragement really means.

To be an encourager you need to have an attitude of optimism. The American Heritage Dictionary has one of the better definitions of the word. It’s a “tendency or disposition to expect the best possible outcome, or to dwell on the most hopeful aspect of a situation. When this is your attitude or perspective, you’ll be able to encourage others. Encouragement is to “inspire; to continue on a chosen course; to impart courage or confidence.”

Encouragement is recognizing the other person as having worth and dignity. It means paying attention to them when they are sharing with you. It’s listening to them in a way that lets them know they’re being listened to.

The road to a person’s heart is through the ear. Men and women today have few people who really listen. When someone is talking most of us are often more concerned about what we are going to say when the other person stops talking. And this is a violation of Scripture. James tells all of us, men and women alike, to “be a ready listener.” Proverbs 18:13 states, “He who answers a matter before he hears the facts, it is folly and shame to him.”

Sometimes in an attempt to be an encourager, you end up crossing the line and become a pleaser. But that’s not the only line that can be crossed. We need to consider the worst things you could do for you and for him.

Avoid becoming a controller in your relationship and also avoid letting yourself be controlled . Sometimes one partner ends up being smothered by the other. Allowing this to happen is no way to encourage someone! If you end up letting the other person control you, the result is you end up feeling unnecessary. Total dependence on another is not the way Christ has called us to live. Jesus has called us to equality, not domination. Jesus called us to willingly serve one another, not just one to serve the other.

From the passage in Ephesians 5:22-31 and from the creation account, it’s possible to discover what a husband needs from his wife. As we look at the early chapters of Genesis we see he needs a woman of strength, a helper who will respond to his leadership as he sets out to subdue and populate the earth, Nancy Groom in her book Married without Masks states, “Adam (even after the Fall) would have been disappointed if Eve had refused to engage with him as his partner in the work God had called both of them to do. He did not need a slave; he needed a woman who knew who she was and was confident in her gifts. An alive, vibrant woman gives zest and excitement to her husband’s life. He needs that.”

Remember this fact: One of the main causes for the death of love on the part of one person for another is when their partner controls and dominates them.

Look at what God’s Word says: “For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither slave not free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:27-28, NASB).

Servanthood is the model of leadership that Jesus is teaching. Remember that the only way that you can really encourage another person in a healthy way is to be sure that you encourage yourself. And you can do this because of knowing who you are in Jesus Christ.

The best way to be healthy as well as to be an encourager in a relationship is to be healthily independent or interdependent. The person whose identity is found through others often ends up with relationships that are addictive.

• Dependency in relationships is not a Christian calling except for being dependent upon God, which all men and women are called to be.

• An independent woman thrives on individuality, few restrictions, and self-gratification. She finds her identity through herself.

• But there is a third option called interdependence. The interdependent woman has a strong sense of personhood and bases this upon being affirmed by God. She knows she has been given gifts and is willing to use them, but she can also rely upon others. This woman views others as her equal and also values herself. Are you dependent, independent, or interdependent woman?

In Free to Be God’s Woman, Jan Congo gives four options in which to view ourselves and others. A dependent woman says, “I am nothing and you are nothing,” or “I am nothing but you are a person of worth and dignity.” The independent woman says, “I am a person of worth and dignity.” The independent woman says, “I am a person of worth and dignity but you are expendable.” The interdependent woman says, “I am a person of worth and dignity, and you are a person of worth and dignity.”

The interdependent woman allows herself and others the freedom to grow and be in process. She has role flexibility. She is relying on God’s expectations for herself rather than others. She enters into relationships with others but she does not restrict them nor is she responsible for them. She discovers the value of commitment.

This is best summarized by Jan Congo:

The very word commitment grinds on many eardrums today in this independent, self-centered society of ours. Yet it is only after we have committed ourselves to the God of love that we can commit ourselves to care for others and identify with them in their various stages of growth.

We refuse to make others either our projects or our heroes. Instead we choose to walk, as much as is humanly possible, where they have walked, to laugh and weep with them, to be available to them, to be as gentle with them as Jesus Christ is with us and to be vulnerable to them, demonstrated by our willingness to speak the truth in love about ourselves when we are with them. I choose to back up my words with an authentic lifestyle. In relationships I am willing not only to give but also to express my needs honestly and receive from others.

We are one of the best means of getting God’s life and love to others. Jesus is our source of strength so never do we purposely choose to have others become dependent on us. In all of our relating, we must remember that the purpose is for Christ to be formed in you and in me (Galatians 4:19). If we find ourselves imitating anyone but Christ or pressuring someone else to imitate us then we need to confess and readjust. We need to honestly share, with no inhibitions, what we see happening and together we need to get our friendship back to its original purpose-that Christ will be formed in both of us.

Love is the evidence that I am Christ’s woman. Only through dependence on Christ alone will I find myself freed to be a most courageous lover who will not lose her identity through living but will find her God-given purpose in loving.”

Encouraging a husband does not mean that you become so absorbed in your husband that your identity and value come from him. It’s not becoming a doormat with no ideas, opinions, or voice, nor does it mean becoming an appeasing woman. Encouragement is not manipulation either. It’s not done for the purpose of reshaping him for your own dreams, desires, or wishes. Absorption, appeasement, and manipulation are actually forms of control.

Avoid mothering the man in your life. Let me say it another way. Never, but never mother a man. When you act like a mother you can’t encourage him. Treating an adult like a child is demeaning and makes you a controller! And if you mother him he will continue to act in a way that makes you continue to want to mother him and on and on and on.

How do mothers sound? Well for one thing they remind. They actually make the other person (child or adult) rely on them to bail them out. Anyway, why should the other person stop forgetting when he has someone who will remind him?

Similar to reminding is another approach. It’s called rescuing. How do you know if you tend to be a rescuer? Think about these factors.

• Would that man be incapable of functioning in his daily life without your help? If so, don’t rescue. Encourage growth.

• Do you tend to be stronger than him? If so, don’t reinforce his weaknesses and foster dependency. Find his potential and encourage growth.

• Does he tend to be unhappy unless you’re doing something for him? If so, don’t play this game. Encourage by showing you believe in his capability to do it himself.

• Does he make excuses for himself or do you make excuses for him? Remember excuses cripple and perpetuate helplessness.

But aren’t you to love another person by helping and serving? Yes, but it can become rescuing when you believe that it’s your responsibility to solve his problems or protect him from the results of what he’s done.

Rescuing doesn’t work. It doesn’t promote growth or change. It doesn’t help your man grow. It’s another word for fixing. Loving encouragement means support, being available, cooperative, and sympathetic. When you follow through with these you’re sending the message, “I believe in you. I believe in your capability to be responsible, mature, and an adult!”

Don’t do anything for your man that he should be (meaning capable of) doing for himself. If he asks you for something, and you’re used to getting it for him, let him get it for himself. Don’t make suggestions. Don’t pick up after him. Don’t bail him out of experiencing consequences. Yes, it probably means that your life could be a bit more frustrating. But you need to stick to your commitment. If you hear complaints let him know you know he’s capable of assuming the responsibility himself. You may be the first person in his life to show a belief that he can be different. Treat him as though he is reliable. I’ve seen so many women who end up being the clock, calendar, key finder, garbage reinforcer, and appointment regulator. Don’t rescue! Don’t bail him out!

In counseling I’ve dealt with men like this. As we discuss together the situation the dialogue goes something like this:

Norm: John, you have a fairly responsible job, don’t you?

John: Yes I do. I’ve been there three years now.

Norm: And you’ve received a couple of promotions, haven’t you?

John: Yes, one just recently.

Norm: John, when you’re at work who is it that reminds you of what to do, when to do it, how to do your job?

John: Well, no one. I can handle all that myself. I don’t need reminders.

Norm: So you don’t need any kind of reminders or support like that at work?

John: No.

Norm: I guess my question is what’s the difference? Why are you so different at work? You’re competent, reliable, functional, and you follow through. At home you’re just the opposite. It appears that you’re making a choice. You have the capability, and you choose to be that way at work. At home you have the same capability, but choose not to use it at home. I wonder what kind of message you’re sending to your wife?

If a man is functional at work and not at home, there’s some kind of game playing going on that needs to be exposed and stopped.

Sometimes a man may not act capable because of other reasons such as the fear of failure. When a man fails in one area, he will take on only “safe” tasks. Why should he attempt something that carried with it the uncertainty of risk? Therefore, some men will pull back from activities over which they don’t maintain a high degree of control or in which they aren’t certain of success.

A wife shared with me how she was able to help and encourage her husband. “My husband had no conception of organization. He’s a perfectionist and if something couldn’t be done perfectly then he wouldn’t do it at all, or he’d leave a job half complete. Needless to say, we had a lot of half-finished projects, a lot of messes, and a lot of tasks never started!

“I’m not a nag and I didn’t pester him about the unfinished projects, but I did pick up the tools and materials left lying around and put them in big piles. I also have a big drawer in the kitchen that I called his tool drawer. And anything I found lying around I put into the drawer. That way if anything was missing, he could find it either in a pile or in the drawer.

“This caused a lot of arguments because he said it was his house, too, and he should be able to have his items wherever he wanted. (My husband is a carpenter and some of these items included big boards on which he would write notes or phone numbers or lists of materials needed. I started burning the boards in the fireplace.) All this was after many requests for him to write on tablets and put things away.

“I started buying him organizational tools—a small hand-held computer and tablets—and we worked on writing lists of things he needed to accomplish in a day. He prioritized the list. If he didn’t have the materials needed to start a job, then it went to the bottom of the list.

“I showed him it was OK to do a job as good as you could; it didn’t have to be perfect, and it didn’t have to be better than anyone else could do it. He began to feel good about starting something, completing it, and crossing it off his list.

“I praised him when he began a job, during the job, and of course after it was complete he got lots of praise. Most of the time the finished project was better than anyone else could have done it.

“Praise was very important to him and I found he needed to hear me praise him to other people. I would tell the person what his next project was going to be and how excited I was about his plans. I guess he just needed a system to get him organized. He could see that if he didn’t get organized his stuff was going to get burned or he was going to have a pile in the backyard as big as the house. He needed to know his projects were appreciated and we didn’t expect perfection.”

Hebrews 3:13 says we’re to “encourage one another every day.” In the setting of this verse, encouragement is associated with protecting the believer from callousness.

Hebrews 10:25 says, “Let us encourage one another.” This time the word means to keep someone on their feet who, if left to himself, would collapse. Your encouragement serves like the concrete pilings of a structural support.

One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 12:25. “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, but an encouraging word makes it glad.”

One man described why he felt encouraged. He said, “I was reading the Scriptures one day and found this passage. It summed it up better than I could say it.” “A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long.” (Proverbs 31:10-21, MSG)

Hopefully you’re already encouraging the man in your life. The results may amaze you!

The above article came from the book, “How to Encourage the Man in Your Life” by H. Norman Wright, published by WORD Publishing. This is not a manual, and it’s not describing a series of subtle techniques designed to get your husband to do your bidding. It calls the reader to fulfill the biblical injunction to encourage—that’s all—encourage. But encourage in such a way that your responses are uniquely adapted to your husband. Norman Wright shows you what works and what doesn’t; when to talk and when to listen; what to say and what not to say, and the difference between encouragement and nagging. But the strength of this book comes from the men and women who share their experiences within it who have found creative ways to encourage each other—ideas that can work for you as well.

There’s so much that we weren’t able to share with you within this article that is written in the book that you will find helpful. If you need help in learning how to be an encourager to your husband, rather than a rescuer, or someone who nags and mothers him I think you’ll find this book a great help!

Flattery is simply a seductive counterfeit for affirmation. As one marriage counselor told me, “Affirmation is everything. When a man is affirmed, he can conquer the world. When he’s not, he is sapped of his confidence and even his feeling of manhood. And believe me, he will, consciously or unconsciously, seek out places where he receives affirmation.”

Home is the most important place for a man to be affirmed. If a man knows that his wife believes in him, he is empowered to do better in every area of his life. A man tends to think of life as a competition and a battle, and he can energetically fight it out if he can come home to someone who supports him unconditionally, who will wipe his brow and tell him he can do it. As one of our close friends told me, “It’s all about whether my wife thinks I can do it. A husband can slay dragons, climb mountains, and win great victories if he believes his wife believes that he can.”

Don’t tear him down!

If instead of affirming, a wife reinforces her husband’s feelings of inadequacy, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if we focus on our attention on what he is doing wrong in the relationship, we can unwittingly undermine what we most want—for him to do it right.

But I discovered a dismaying fact. Of the men I surveyed, only one man in four felt actively appreciated by his family. And 44 percent of men actually felt unappreciated at home. More pointedly, men in their prime years of responsibility for home, children, and work —men between their ages of thirty-six and fifty-five —felt even less appreciated.

I’ll bet that many of the wives or girlfriends of these men would be surprised to learn that they didn’t feel appreciated. My guess is that most of us do appreciate our men but don’t show it enough.

He’ll seek affirmation somewhere

If a man isn’t convinced that his woman thinks he’s the greatest, he will tend to seek affirmation elsewhere. He may spend more hours at work, where he feels alive and on top of his game, or he may spend too much time talking to the admiring female associate. He may immerse himself in watching or playing sports, feeling the thrill of the competitive rush. Or he may retreat to his workshop or his home office, feeling like he can control things there even if he feels inadequate and clumsy elsewhere.

“Why else do you think,” one man asked me, “so many men take sports so seriously? It’s something they feel good at, something they’ve practiced. They are admired and encouraged by other men on the field. People say ‘good hit?’ or ‘good shot!’ or show by tightening their defense that they know you’re about to smoke them. There’s nothing like that feeling. But I feel that same way at home when my wife applauds me for bringing in a big business deal or brags to her friends about what a good father I am. It’s that same feeling.”

During my clinical research for The Lights of Tenth Street, several experts told me that a chronic lack of affirmation is one reason so many men slip into pornography addiction. For whatever reason, they feel like less than a man, so they seek —and find! —affirmation in pornography. As one man pointed out, “All those women in the men’s magazines convey one message: ‘I want you, and you are the most desirable man in the world.’ My wife may be nagging me at home, the kids may be disobedient, and I may be worried about messing up at work, but look at the woman in that picture makes me feel like a man.”

If affirmation is indeed everything, why should a man have to look for it in other places when he has a wife who loves and respects him? There’s nothing wrong with work, sports, or hobbies— it’s wonderful for him to feel alive and encouraged in those pursuits— but they shouldn’t have to be a retreat from an un-affirming home life.

Create a safety zone

Obviously, if many of our men spend their workdays feeling like they are always being watched and judged, it is no wonder that they want to come home to a totally accepting environment, where they can safely let their guard down. Men need a place where they can make their mistakes in peace and not constantly worry that they are one misstep away from being exposed.

If we don’t realize this and are perhaps too attentive to their mistakes at home, we risk creating a situation that is the opposite of what we want. Most of us want our men to be able to relax and truly open up to us. But in many ways, it is up to us to create the intimate, safe environment that makes that possible.

We may think that the adage, “his home must be his haven” is antiquated and unnecessary these days, but that is far from the truth. In fact, as the workplace has gotten harsher and less loyal, more demanding and less tolerant of mistakes, I’d say it’s even more important that a man’s home be a haven. Most of the men I talked with crave a retreat from the daily pressure of always having to perform.

The gift of confidence

I heard from many men, “Men put a lot of pressure on themselves.” On the survey, one husband pleaded, “I want my wife to know and understand my weaknesses, failings, short-comings, and still want me. I need her to be my number one source of encouragement to become the man God created me to be.”

We might think we wouldn’t have the ability to change our man’s feelings of workplace inadequacy, but we would be wrong. By staunchly supporting our men, showing that we believe in them, and providing an emotionally safe environment to come home to, we can help give them at least the emotional confidence they need to dive back into the daily workplace fray.

In his autobiography, Jack: Straight from the Gut, Jack Welch, the famous chairman and CEO of General Electric, provides an insight for businessmen that is important for every wife —and mother —to hear. Speaking about his mother, he wrote:

Perhaps the greatest single gift she gave me was self-confidence. It’s what I’ve looked for and tried to build in every executive who has every worked with me. Confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible. Building self-confidence in others is a huge part of leadership. It comes from providing opportunities and challenges for people to do things they never imagined they could do —rewarding them after each success in every way possible.

A wife can give her husband that confidence (just as, hopefully, a husband can for his wife). It’s not about being the supportive “little woman.” It’s about realizing that despite their veneer of confidence, our husbands really do “carry their treasures in fragile containers,” and they crave our affirmation for how they did on that play. It’s about sending the man we love into the world every day —alive with the belief that he can slay dragons.

The above article comes from the book FOR WOMEN ONLY… What you Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men -by Shaunti Feldhahn, published by Multnomah. This is a GREAT book to help women learn about what motivates men and their thought processes behind their actions (or non-actions). Shaunti had interviewed over 1000 men in researching this book. As a result she found that she didn’t know the mind of her husband and others like she thought she did. So what she does in this book is reveal the findings her research brought out so that other women can better understand the men in their lives which will help them to better interact with them Preview or Purchase this book now

There is also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available, written by Shaunti Feldhahn along with Lisa Rice, which is published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used in small groups, or even for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many women, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “So what do I do with the information I’ve just been given?” This discussion guide is designed to answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn in your own life. Preview or purchase this book now

It can seem “fun” at the moment when you’re with other women to make “sport” of a husband who aggravates and bewilders you. The conversation usually starts out somewhat innocent. But then it goes into the direction of: “what was he thinking when he did (or said)…?” And often it doesn’t stop there. It spirals down into demeaning and making fun of him as a man and/or a husband and also sometimes as a thinking human being.

I’ve listened to and have been in on some of those conversations (and very regrettably in the past have even participated in the fervor of the moment) with other women!

Talking together as women who need help and empathy from other women to get through a situation with their husbands in a more positive way, and husband bashing are entirely two different situations.

The “talking together as women who need help” falls into line with Titus 2 and also Ephesians 4:29, but husband bashing doesn’t. It tells us in the Bible,

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

Some women say it’s all innocent because they don’t mean anything serious by it, and after-all, “if you don’t laugh about it, you’ll probably cry.” And that may be true. But it’s different when it goes over the line.

And if we’re really honest, we know where that line is to be drawn — whether something we say about our husbands is “helpful” or not and whether or not it’s “wholesome” to those who listen (and to the one doing the talking).

To explore this further, we’re providing links to two different articles which you can read, on this subject. The first is posted on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine and the second is posted on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman.

These articles have sure helped me in positive ways and I pray you will find them helpful to read also. To do so, click onto the links provided below:

• HUSBAND BASHING

• MALE BASHING

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

Running a household is no piece of cake. When I think about the tasks that generally fall on a woman’s shoulders, I sometimes want to scream, “Time out!” Why am I the one who is in charge of the laundry, the bills, the dinner, the housecleaning, the grocery shopping, and the kids’ activities? Of course, your responsibilities may not be exactly the same as mine. Every couple’s situation is different, which means the division of household responsibilities may be different. We each come into marriage with our own preconceived ideas about the duties of a husband and a wife. We also have different levels of responsibility outside the home.

There’s no right or wrong way to figure out who does what. The important thing is for you and your husband to have a mutual understanding of one another’s roles as you work through the responsibilities of your household together. At a time when you’re both relaxed and comfortable, prayerfully discuss what a healthy balance of responsibilities would be in your home. Decide what each of you can do to support your marriage and the proper running of your household. Work together to divide the load as best you can.

Both of you will have to compromise. Even so, the way the tasks break down between the two of you may not seem completely fair. As a positive wife, be willing to take on more than your fair share. Here’s why: No spouse sees the entire weight of the workload that the other spouse carries during the day. If you’re going to err, err on the side of giving, not getting. Be faithful to keep up with your responsibilities and do your part to make the household run smoothly without focusing on what your husband is or isn’t doing.

If your husband is the sole breadwinner in the family, you can take on the major part of managing the home front. He can be more effective in his job if he’s supported by a well-run home. Part of your role is understanding the struggles your husband may face in a typical day and recognizing that he may be coming home tired and weary. Perhaps he had to deal with a challenging situation or a difficult person at work; maybe he had to drive through an hour of bumper-to-bumper traffic.

When he walks in the door, the last thing he needs is to be hit with a list of chores or a litany of complaints. (You can tell him your gripes and concerns later. Maybe they won’t seem so important to you by the.) Instead, great him with a smile and a hug and help him to feel glad to be there.

If both of you are employed, you’ll have to work harder to find a healthy balance between you. Consider each other’s time and workload expended outside the home. Look for solutions to make your life together less stressful. If possible, pay someone else to do a chore, so that your time and energy can go into activities that you need to do yourself.

For years I cleaned my own house; but when I reached the point of writing almost full time, I started paying a maid to do what she does best, so I can do what I do best. I also used to cook dinner every night of the week. I felt guilty if I didn’t. But on those afternoons when I was in the car from 3:30 to 7:00 P.M., shuttling the kids to and from all their activities, I couldn’t get dinner on the table until just before 8:00.

I finally realized that my responsibility is to provide a dinner for my family, whether I cook it or not. Sometimes takeout from a local restaurant works just as well as home cooking (and tastes a whole lot better). Consider the cost; look for coupons; but pay for help when you can.

When dividing domestic tasks, take into account the unique gifts, abilities, and talents each of you possesses. In our family Curt is the decorator, both inside the house and out in the garden. He’s gifted at it, and he loves it. I don’t; so gardening, lawn maintenance, and decorating the house fall into his domain. On the other hand, I write the bills, do laundry, and handle household maintenance.

After the two of you have determined what is right, reasonable, and fair for both of you to do around the house, set in your mind that you will always do more than your fair share. Don’t grumble, nag, or complain (how unbecoming of a positive wife!). Instead, move forward prayerfully and cheerfully in god’s strength. The blessing of a well-run home will be your reward.

I should probably say a few more words about nagging, because it’s such an easy thing for wives to fall into. Let’s face it. Our husbands don’t always keep up their end of the bargain, and nagging seems to come naturally to us in those moments. Maybe your husband is sitting on the couch watching TV, even though the kids need their bath (the job he agreed to do). Maybe he hasn’t taken out the garbage yet, and tomorrow is trash day. You mention it once: “Honey, it’s almost time for the kids to go to bed, and they really need a bath first.” Or, “Sweetheart, did you remember that trash day is tomorrow?” But he hasn’t moved an inch.

You’re not going to nag, are you? Let’s identify nagging so you know what it looks like. How else can you guard against it? Typically nagging shows up in one or a combination of the following, depending on the circumstances:

1. Repeating a command or demand more than once
2. Using a disrespectful or whiny tone
3. Huffing off when he doesn’t do what you want him to do
4. Grumbling and complaining aloud or under your breath
5. Standing over him with your arms crossed, tapping your big toe on the floor, or wagging your pointer finger in his face.
6. Giving the silent treatment

If you can’t nag, what can you do? Here are a few simple rules for getting your husband to do his part around the house.

Rule #1: Clearly communicate the details of what you expect.

Most nagging can be eliminated from the onset through good communication and realistic expectations. Often, nagging is the result of trying to get our husbands to do things they never agreed to do in the first place.

Be reasonable and realistic in your expectations of what “must be done” by your spouse. And recognize when you need to back off. Some things can wait, but for some unknown reason we want them done now. If the need isn’t immediate, relax a little and determine a reasonable time frame for finishing the task. The more you bring your husband in on the thinking process, the less imploring you’ll need to do.

Rule #2: Speak in a kind, soothing, and respectful voice.

A rude tone of voice can cause your husband to dig in his heels all the more. You can be firm, yet loving. Serious, yet kind. Use your voice and tone diplomatically to get the best results.

Rule #3: Explain the consequences.

Say, “If you don’t stop by the store on your way home from work, we won’t have any milk for your cereal in the morning.” Or, “If you don’t put out the trash tonight, our backyard will smell like rotten eggs until the next trash day.” It doesn’t hurt to set a humorous tone! For example: If the garage isn’t cleaned out by winter, you’re not going to have a place to put the car, and you’re going to get very cold scraping the ice off your windshield every morning.”

Rule #4: Be open for a good trade.

Instead of nagging, offer to trade one of your jobs for his. “Hey, honey, I’ll make a deal with you. If you can’t give the kids their bath now, I’ll take care of it tonight, and you can take care of writing the bills for me tomorrow night.” Guys love bargaining power!

Rule #5: If applicable, offer to pay someone else to do it.

Depending on what needs to be done, suggest paying someone else to do the task. This will accomplish one of two things: It will either shift him into high gear because he’s a miser and doesn’t want to pay money out of his pocket; or it will make him happy because the job’s off his shoulders and you’re off his back. Either way, the job gets done.

Getting Organized: On my bookshelf I probably have 10 books telling me how to schedule my days, organize my household, and get a handle on housekeeping. Each book is packed full of wonderful, creative ways to use my time wisely and keep my home in tip-top shape. Unfortunately, most of the books could have the same subtitle: Thousands of Great Ideas That Nobody Actually Puts into Practice.

I don’t want to overwhelm you with a myriad of ideas. I just want to share a few solid, practical tips that can make a lasting difference in our homes and in our lives.

Organizing Stuff: Even a naturally messy person like me can learn to maintain a neat and tidy environment. How? By following these three simple steps.

1. Remember the adage “A place for everything, and everything in its place.” When you know where a certain item belongs, it’s easier to return it to its place. Think of yourself as a placement expert, getting all the lost articles in your house to their proper homes. You can even have a location for all the items that you want to deal with later—just make sure you also choose a time each week to eliminate the junk pile. which leads me to my next point.

2. Designate a time to kill piles and annihilate clutter. Set a specific time each week for dealing with outstanding piles and help yourself by being clutter conscious throughout the week. Stuff can pile up so quickly! Mail is one of the biggies. When the mail arrives, stand by a trash can and go through it. Throw away junk mail and things you know you will never read. Then place place bills in their proper place and read the letters you need to see right away.

Make it a nightly routine to clear the kitchen table and countertops of excess stuff and put utensils and appliances in order. You’ll go to be feeling you’ve accomplished something, and you’ll wake up to a clean kitchen. It’s the best way to start the day!

3. Create a personal game plan for cleaning the house. You may choose to clean half the house one day and the other half another day. Or maybe you’d rather clean the bathrooms one day, the bedrooms on a second day, and the kitchen and living room on a third. Laundry can also be done by routine. I usually do my husband’s laundry on Monday, mine on Tuesday, and my daughters’ on Wednesday and Thursday.

(For more help getting a handle on household cleaning, I recommend two excellent Internet sources: the FlyLady Web site at www.flylady.net and Sidetracked Home Executives at www.shesorganized.com.)

Can you relate? If you’ve been married any time at all, I’m sure you can. At times I’ve gotten consumed trying to figure out how to make my husband love me and how to make everything all right between us that he in some strange way became my God. If we were doing well, I was doing well. If we weren’t doing so well, I wasn’t doing so well either.

Now, understandably, because my husband and I have come together as one, we are close enough that when he hurts, I hurt. But, my spirit should not vacillate between joy and sorrow based on how Art and I are getting along. Instead, my soul should always rest in the safety of Jesus’ unconditional love and acceptance.

Jesus laid this principle out clearly in John 15:5-6, which says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers.”

Jesus is our life-giving vine; our husbands are not. If we remain in Christ and let Christ be the only one who holds our souls and determines our identity, then we can bear much fruit. We know from Galatians 5 that the fruit of God’s Spirit in us is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Can you see why it is so important to get your every deep, spiritual need met by God alone? My husband can’t give this type of consistent love, joy, peace, etc. And I can’t give him love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control apart from Christ. Apart from Christ I can do no good thing, because apart from Christ I wither as I try to make my husband fill me. When I do this I drain my husband and my marriage.

John 15:9 continues, “As the father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” Now, my sweet friend, I know what it is like to walk the rocky paths of a difficult marriage. I understand the loneliness, the desperation, the frustrations. But I also know what it’s like to have a wonderful, fulfilling, romantic, awesome marriage.

My husband is basically the same man today as he was when things were not so good. God has worked on his heart and made some changes in him but nothing I’ve ever done had the power to change him.

The main thing that has transformed my marriage is my letting God be my God. Instead of focusing on all the things my husband didn’t do right or letting his approval or disapproval consume me, I learned to go to God and say, “Lord, I know You love me and You love my husband. So please either change him or change my heart toward him or this issue we are facing.” Sometimes He’ll soften my husband but more times than not God will change me.

I often share at conferences and retreats that God has taught me what it means to live for an audience of one. Instead of trying to be a good wife and win my husband’s approval, trying to be a good mom to win my kids’ approval, and trying to be a good friend to win my friends’ approval, I now simply try to please God. I seek only His favor and follow His precepts. In doing this I am a good wife, a good mom and a good friend.

Faithfully spending time with God every day and asking Him to fill me and give me my identity and security has transformed my marriage. It has freed me to take the focus off of my needs, my wants, and my desires. It is only through God’s strength working in me that I can give to my husband in this way and feel more fulfilled in giving than receiving.

Survey after survey that I received from men had a common thread: husbands said their wives were missing something in their life that the husbands had no idea how to fulfill. “I wish my wife knew that I love her,” or “I want to give her what she needs but I’m not sure even she knows what that is,” or “I wish so much my wife could see my inner feelings —how much I do love her —I just don’t know how to make her see and believe that,” and “I’m doing everything I know how to do to make her feel loved and it doesn’t seem to be enough.”

These husbands want their wives’ hearts to be secure enough to freely receive the love they were already offering. The only way this can happen is when a wife’s heart rests safely in the Lord’s hands and she’s at peace with who her God is. Then and only then can a woman of tender strength emerge with the capacity to be the wife she was created to be.

The above article comes from the book, Capture His Heart, by Lysa TerKeurst, published by Moody Press, www.moodypublishers.com. This book is one that is endorsed by the ministry of Focus on the Family www.family.org and is subtitled, “Becoming the Godly Wife Your Husband Desires.” This isn’t a very big book—it’s actually more compact than most, which might appeal to many. But don’t let its size fool you! It has some great material in it and a man might even use it to read together with his wife during a quiet time together. As one of them reads a chapter aloud, they can discuss it afterwards to see what they can learn about each other. It has 24 chapters which include the advice for the day, a short “Home Improvement” tip, and a “Thought for the Day.” There’s also a companion book which you can get that can also be used during this quiet time with the husband and wife which is titled, Capture Her Heart (also written by Lysa TerKeurst).

Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you. But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?

The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.

If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).

Instead say:

“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.

If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”

If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.

If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves—can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.

There is a time for everything, it says in the Bible. and it ’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.

Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words can not be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.

The above article came from the book, “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. It was published by Harvest House www.harvesthousepublishers.com. This is one of my (Cindy’s) favorite books! As Stormie said it so well: “I can think of no better way to truly love your husband than by lifting him up in prayer on a consistent basis. It is a priceless gift that helps him experience God’s blessings and grace.”

Putting everything else aside, there is nothing we can do for our husband that is as important as praying for him. This book gives you the inspiration and practical help to do just that. Every woman who desires a closer relationship with her husband will appreciate this refreshing look at the power of prayer in marriage, as discussed in this book. Along with real-life illustrations. Stormie also includes sample prayers and “power tools” —verses that inspire and encourage—to help wives rest in the assurance of God’s wonderful promises of restoration, renewal, and growth in marriage.

“Dearest sister of perseverance and patience, may you find the strength to wait. Whether you are waiting for resolutions to annoying small things, stressful important issues, or the anxiety-laden challenges of life, know that your own personal courage and endurance will carry you through and that God will give you wings to soar above the storm” (Ginnie Mesibov).

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD (Psalm 27:13-14).

The LORD longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! (Isaiah 30:18)

For those of you who are going through a time of waiting for answers that are delayed for some reason there are guidelines listed below written by someone who God has inspired to help and comfort you. The Bible says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can COMFORT THOSE IN ANY TROUBLE WITH THE COMFORT WE OURSELVES HAVE RECEIVED FROM GOD” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

That’s what we see Ginnie Mesibov doing in her book, “Outer Strength, Inner Strength.” In it she gives us some great tips on waiting that she “learned through” as she and her husband went through several times of having to wait for important life-changing answers in their lives.

The following is a “program” she eventually developed that helped get them through the waiting times she and her husband encountered that you could also benefit from as you apply these principles while you are in those “waiting room” periods of life.

As Ginnie said: I called my program, “What to Do While Waiting Instead of Worrying.” Here’s what I tried to do:

• Focus out. It was natural for me to focus inward. Sometimes I was so preoccupied with my problems that I didn’t hear what someone was saying to me. Listening became a conscious effort. I also became distracted when working. Consequently, I forced myself to become absorbed in my job.

• Breathe. Several times a day, I stopped what I was doing and breathed deeply from my diaphragm. I slowly inhaled through my nose to the count of four and exhaled through my mouth to the count of eight. The last four count of breathing out emptied my body of stress.

• Relax. In the evening, I found a comfortable spot and lay on my back. I tightened—and then released —each group of muscles one by one, starting with my facial muscles and working down through my neck, arms, back, stomach, thighs, calves, and ending with my feet. This progressive exercise released any tension from each set of muscles.

• Take it one day at a time. I tried to live in the present and reminded myself that I can get through this day—or this morning—or this moment. Why should I borrow trouble from either the past of the future? I focused on today.

• Increase physical exercise. I increased my morning exercise time by doing a few more limbering stretches. When I went to the gym, I took a brisk walk on the treadmill and made my feet skip for 40 minutes instead of the usual 30.

• Get immersed in a good book. There’s nothing like the loves and hates and the tragedies and triumphs of a revered but flawed heroine to take one’s mind off one’s problems. My favorite novels are filled with gems of wisdom:

“As long as things happen to you, you’ll be all right… You’re strong enough to take them, and you’ll learn … no matter how dreadful things may see … what does happen to you penetrates… It goes into you, and if there are for you to make use of when you’re ready for it” (from: Madeleine L’Engle, The Small Rain).

• Do happy or special things . Fine art nourishes my soul. So, Harold and I went to an exhibit of landscapes and seascapes by nineteenth century artists who were brilliantly skilled at putting the majesty of nature on canvas. It was an exhilarating experience.

• Be positive. I tried to make the best interpretation of my situation. For example, most of my symptoms had stabilized. It wasn’t inevitable that they would increase over time. And, Harold had had arterial surgery before (quadruple bypass) and survived, showing he has good recuperative powers. There was every reason to hope for a good outcome.

• I thanked God every morning for my blessings. I had a loving husband and a delightful dog and everything I needed. As a woman of faith, I was fortified by the promise of the prophet Isaiah: “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31, KJV).

• Don’t put life on hold. I found myself saying, “Let’s not make a date to invite so-and-so to dinner,” or, “Let’s not go here,” or “Let’s not go there,” until we knew my test results or had talked to the doctor. This only made the waiting period more depressing. I decided instead to do what I wanted to do when I could do it.

• Don’t over-schedule. Since I decided not to put my life on hold, I was tempted to frantically do all the things I wanted to do before something terrible happened. Once I was worn to a frazzle, I realized that this wasn’t good either. I now strive for balance.

• Control highs and lows. Five months after my initial MRI, I had a follow-up MRI that revealed no tumor growth. I was elated! But two weeks later, I received another report. “Your brain wave tests are worse. They indicate early tumor growth.” I crashed. I concluded I had to control all my reactions —highs and lows —and strive to be emotionally even. Now, when I receive good news, I am simply grateful; when I receive bad news, I look at the whole picture and realize it isn’t totally grim.

• Try not to be angry. When I crashed, I was angry in addition to being depressed. I yelled at God, “Why do I have this tumor? Take it away.” After continuously sobbing and stomping around the house in a rage for a couple of days, I realized I was wasting a lot of energy. Throwing a fit didn’t help anything. It just made me more furious. So, I try to check my emotions when I start getting mad. As with dealing with bad news, I look at the big picture and see there’s nothing about which to get angry.

• Be aware of self-pity. It’s easy to feel sorry for myself. There are no two words that can get me down in the dumps more than “Why me?” When I first told a relative about my brain tumor, she said from the kindness of her heart, “It’s not fair,” But that’s not an appropriate attitude. It’s not positive and can make me feel like a victim and stimulate the angry feelings I am trying not to have.

• Enjoy nature. Whenever I need a lift, I head for the Jersey shore. I stroll on the beach and take deep breaths of refreshing salt air, carefully stepping over beautifully shaped seashells that grace the sand. I splash in the ocean, or in cooler weather, sit at the surf’s edge and watch the waves gently caress the shoreline and the elegant seagulls with their white breasts and pearl gray feathers glide through the air. God’s creation nourishes my soul.

• Be grateful. If anyone should be grateful, it is me. There are so many people with problems much worse than mine. I am thankful that my Acourstic Neuroma is small and benign. As tumors go, it’s a good one to have.

• Read or sing a song every day. Some of the tunes from musicals are inspiring such as “Climb Every Mountain” from The Sound of Music. We can climb every mountain, and we can forge every stream. I also enjoy the old hymns. A favorite of mine is, “How Firm a Foundation:”

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, I will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my gracious omnipotent hand.

• Laugh. Man is the only animal who can have a real belly laugh. Laughing is beneficial; it’s good for the lungs, diaphragm, digestion, blood pressure, and immune system. It helps to put a humorous spin on a serious situation. The brain tumor I have is small, so I call it a “tumorette.” I can deal with a tumorette.

• Watch that diet! I really made myself sick during one particularly stressful waiting period, gorging myself with huge amounts of ice cream, pretzels, and cake. Then I became weak because I couldn’t keep anything in my stomach. All that comfort food didn’t help. I ended up finding comfort in Pepto-Bismol and Imodium! That wasn’t smart behavior. The best diet is three square meals a day with plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. And go easy on the snacks. I need strength to cope with waiting.

• Research the problem. Researching acoustic neuromas gives me valuable information. Through the Internet, and not from my doctor, I learned that radiation, rather than surgery, is an option I have should I need treatment. Radiation has fewer side effects than surgery. I also learn how other patients deal with their tumors and the treatments they choose.

• Practice objectivity. This is difficult when the tumor is in your own head. But the information I get from researching acoustic neuromas helps me look at my problems more objectively. I am able to look at my situation at a distance, which lessens my emotional involvement and therefore reduces stress.

• Accept life as it comes. I have never accepted negative things very well. I always tended to think, “Bad things should not happen.” Not to me. Not to my husband. Not to my dog. Not to my friends. Not to anybody. They should not happen.” That was not realistic. I finally said to myself, “Ginnie, grow up.” It is a sign of maturity to accept what happens to us. Life is difficult. It’s not easy. Bad things do happen. They happen to everybody. But Romans 8:28 is true: “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.”

The more I accept what comes into my life as being there with God’s permission, the less angry, full of self-pity, and frightened I am and the more peaceful and contended I am during my waiting periods.

• Meditate. I set aside a certain time each day to quiet myself, meditate, and pray. Doing this always calms my soul. One time when I was particularly upset and wondering what was going to happen to me, I thought of one of God’s promises: “I know the plans I have for you… plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

Dear courageous sister, things will—or have already have —come into your life that are hard to bear. Waiting for information or solutions can cause stress. But knowing that God cares for us and promises hope and a future makes our waiting periods tolerable. During these times, we grow. Our confidence in our own strength increases, as does our trust in our Heavenly Father who works all things out for our good.

The above article came from the book, “Outer Strength, Inner Strength,” written by Ginnie Mesibov, published by Xulon Press. Several years ago, the shocking diagnosis of a brain tumor caused her to look deep inside her soul. There, beside the pain, she found strength, hope and courage. The result of her agonizing but liberating introspection is Outer Strength, Inner Strength: Weekly Messages for Today’s Woman, a collection of 52 essays written as personal letters to today’s woman, in which she urges her reader to recognize and use her God-given strengths and skills.

To read another message by Ginnie or to obtain the book this article came from or to contact Ginnie Mesibov herself, you can go to her web site at www.outerstrengthinnerstrength.com.

To read another article on the subject of waiting on the Kyria web site, please click onto the link below:

• WHEN LIFE IS ON HOLD

To read an another article concerning worrying and waiting, written by Kay Arthur, please click onto the Crosswalk.com link below:

• HOW I STOPPED STRIVING AND STARTED RESTING IN HIM

And then to read scriptures on the subject of waiting, please click onto the SeekGod.org web site link below:

• WAITING UPON GOD