Before you marry, you concentrate on the many things you have in common. But after you’ve been married for a while and your life gets busy with all it takes to maintain a household … WOW! You can sure see how very different you both approach life!

It can easily get to the point where eventually your differences overshadow all or most of your commonalities.

But what is that all about… why are we so different? Well, there are many reasons — a few of them are because:

• We were raised in different homes with different parents and siblings, maybe even different cultural influences were involved.

• We were influenced by different friends and life experiences. No two people go down exactly the same path in life and those experiences and people influence how we approach life.

• Our different educational, church, and personal experiences with God, all have a big influence on that which we value and decide is important to us.

• Because of our earlier experiences, we’ve formed different expectations concerning how we approach situations. Many of them, we didn’t even realize we held until something or someone (like our spouse) bumps into them and they come to the surface.

• We have been created uniquely different by God with different temperaments and DNA (which influences us as well).

• We have hormone and testosterone differences that influence us daily (and sometimes minute-by-minute).

The list can go on and on … and THEN there are our gender differences that influence how we approach life! We don’t even realize how much that can change the way we interact in various situations in life!

When we enter into the everyday pressures of life as husband and wife, all of these differences really start to come to the surface — BIG TIME — especially in how we approach communication! We can’t live on a bio-chemical high forever (please click onto the article to read “We’ve Got Chemistry” to explain this further).  Eventually (if we are good-hearted people) we will need to deal with reality of who we are and how we can make our partnership grow in love within our marriage.

So what do we do when our many differences blare out at us and cause so much confusion and anxiety?

That’s when we grow up. After-all, marriage isn’t for the faint of heart or for children. We have made a grown-up commitment and we need to learn how to live up to our commitment with each other maturely in the sight, and with the help, of God!

As the Apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13 (the Love Chapter), “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I [grew up] I put childish ways behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11). That’s great reasoning for all of us to apply!

When we grab onto the reality of the maturity it takes to make our love and marriage work, that’s when we become students of each other and students of marriage. And that’s when we ask God to help us to learn how to use our differences to work for us, much as God points out in the Bible that the different parts of the body are to work together. (See:1 Corinthians 12:12-26.)

In studying each other and in studying marriage and asking God for wisdom, we can become a better marital team. (And even if you don’t have a spouse that will cooperate in acting as part of a marital team, you can gain much wisdom and help by studying and applying what God teaches you along the way.) Because:

“Once you understand why your husband acts that way, or why your wife thinks that way, it can change how you feel about him or her, though nothing has really changed. Compassion will come with an accompanying perseverance —all because you now understand. I cannot overstate the importance of understanding.” (Pastor Mark Gungor, from article “The Power of Understanding” posted on Laughyourway.com)

Studying your spouse and the differences that your background influences and your gender differences makes in your approach to life and communication, can help the way you understand and perceive your spouse’s actions (and non-actions). Philip J. Swihart, one of the authors of the book “The First Five Years of Marriage” (Preview or purchase this book now) puts it this way:

“It’s possible that the communication gender gap lies in how messages are perceived. But the style and content of the messages themselves differ, too. Men tend to use language to transmit information, report facts, fix problems, clarify status, and establish control. Women are more likely to view language as a means to greater intimacy, stronger or richer relationships, and fostering cooperation rather than competition. In other words, it’s ‘debate vs. relate.’

“That means you and your spouse may be tuned in to very different ‘meanings’ in what each of you is saying. This provides fertile ground for misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and conflict. What one of you thinks is the other’s ‘hidden meaning’ can be 180 degrees out of phase with what the speaker really intends to communicate. This can easily lead to distorted conclusions about the other person’s motivations.

So to help you to better understand each other and how your many differences play into the way you communicate with each other, we have found several articles posted on different web sites to help you. We pray they will assist you in building communication bridges once you better understand each other.

Please keep in mind that sometimes the communication roles will be reversed —we get that! And if that is true, then accept it that way and go from there. But for the most part, you will probably find the following articles true to a great deal of your situation in your gender differences. Just glean the advice you can use and don’t use the rest, asking God for wisdom.

To read these articles, please click onto the web site links provided below:

• YOU’RE NOT WRONG, JUST DIFFERENT

• COMMUNICATION BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

• LET’S TALK: Communication Differences Between Men and Women

• MEN ARE COMPUTERS, WOMEN ARE CELL PHONES

And for something on the lighter side (figuring that laughter is the “best medicine” to help you cope with your differences), please click onto the web site link below to read:

• JOKES: Differences Between Men and Women

Nowhere is the challenge of those differences more evident than in the sexual relationship. I recently read a few suggestions about those differences that I’d like to share with you.

How to Impress a Woman

Wine her
Dine her
Hug her
Support her
Hold her
Surprise her
Compliment her
Smile at her
Listen to her
Laugh with her
Cry with her
Romance her
Encourage her
Believe in her
Pray with her
Pray for her
Cuddle with her
Shop with her
Give her jewelry
Buy her flowers
Hold her hand
Write love letters to her
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her

How to Impress a Man

Show up naked
Bring chicken wings
Don’t block the TV

It’s a joke, of course, but there’s a kernel of truth at the center. This tongue-in-cheek list captures the fact that men and women are very different in their sexuality.

Sex was designed by our Creator to be a tremendous blessing in the marriage relationship, but it can also be a source of great tension. Many people marry because of sex; and just as many get divorced because of it.

…The challenge, as our humorous lists illustrate, is that men and women have very divergent sexual needs. …We differ in nature, intensity and timing. Throughout marriage, our respective sexual needs will ebb and flow. Rarely will they synchronize. Thus, couples will avoid a lot of misdirected energy and frustration by understanding that few, if any, husbands and wives have the same sexual needs.

Our general example of this is the fact that men peak sexually in their late teens and early twenties. Women, however, tend to reach their sexual peak in their late thirties or early forties. (Why did God engineer this difference? Probably so that we could have a few years of getting some real work done!)

Men are visually stimulated —they want to “see” their wives. Women are more stimulated when their emotional needs have been met. That’s not to say that women are blind to their husbands’ bodies; but they’re not nearly as visually oriented. (This has led to many a “lights on” versus “lights off” controversy in the bedroom.)

There are other differences. Men can get aroused quite quickly. They don’t have to have much foreplay, or even forethought, to be ready for sex. But for women, the turn-on to sex is very gradual. Marriage counselor and author Gary Smalley says that in the world of sex, “men are microwave ovens and women are crock pots.” It’s true. Women have to warm up to the idea of sex —and it takes awhile.

A man can compartmentalize the sexual experience. He can block everything else out. He could have just had the worst day of his life and been told that tomorrow is Armageddon, and still enjoy sex right now. That’s because to him, sex is just another compartment of his life. Not to a woman. A woman is inclusive in her nature. Everything that happens to her is connected to her sexuality. What her husband said to her leaving for work that morning, her interactions with the kids and/or her parents, and the overall condition of their finances is all connected to her sexual responsiveness.

Here’s another difference: For a man, sex is a primary need. For a woman, sex is secondary at best. In one study in which men and women were asked to rank how important sex was to them, sex consistently ranked 1,2 or 3 to men. Women, on average, ranked sex in the number 13 slot —right behind “gardening together,” which came in at number 12. That’s right, in the average woman’s hierarchy of things to do with her husband, sex takes a backseat to pulling weeds.

There are more differences. But the ones I’ve mentioned are enough to make the point: Men and women are different in nature and in need when it comes to sex.

Don’t Base Sex on Mutual Desire
With such wide-ranging differences in priority, intensity and timing, it’s clear that we must base our sexual fulfillment on something more than mutual desire. If we’re always waiting for our spouse to have the same sexual needs at the same time we do, we’re going to spend a lot of time waiting. Rarely are we going to have the same needs at the same time.

For that reason, there must be a spirit of servanthood in the marriage relationship. This was no secret in the first paradise. Sex was God’s idea. Adam and Eve were wired for ultimate sexual fulfillment. They could have had the ultimate sex, because God created them to serve Him and serve each other. They were helpmates in the Garden.

But they sinned and lost the paradise of their marriage. Do you remember that one of their first responses when sin came into their relationship was to cover themselves with fig leaves? Their sexuality was separated, withheld from each other, the moment they sinned, because the essence of the sin of mankind is to reject servanthood to God and others.

Servants Live to Please
Sin has made serving one another seem much more complicated than it really is. That was evident when a lawyer, who was testing Jesus, asked, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” (See: Matthew 22:36).

Jesus answered, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 22:37-40).

The two greatest commandments are a response to man’s greatest needs —to serve God and to serve other people. Serving others is the essence of why we were created. That’s why many servants are much happier than their masters —they live to please another person, not to please themselves. This is the way man is designed. It’s why government employees —from the police officer to the president —are called public servants. It’s why a successful employee seeks ways to help serve the vision and goals of the business he works for. And it’s why business owners succeed not by hard work alone but by making sure their businesses serve the needs of their customers.

If your goal is to please other people, you can do that all day long and be successful at it. But if you live to please yourself, you have taken on an impossible task. Like a dog chasing its tail, self-satisfaction is impossible to find when that is what you live for.

Man was created to serve. All fulfillment in life comes from being a servant. …The world’s way is to be served; God’s way is to serve. The world’s way teaches us to focus on our own needs; God’s way teaches us to focus on other people’s needs. Nowhere is this principle of servanthood more at work than within the marriage relationship.

The above article comes from the book, Our Secret Paradise by Jimmy Evans, published by Regal Books. “You will find that Jimmy and Karen bring their hearts and their experiences to every page. This book is biblical, practical and full of rich illustrations of the Evans’s home and marriage. They are open about their own hearts and their experiences, not painting a picture of perfection but rather one of being sold out to help marriages grow that are on their watch.

“The seven secrets —the foundational principles to a better marriage —will give you hope. If you are single and discouraged about the potential for a healthy biblical marriage, Jimmy and Karen will paint a picture of what it takes to have a great marriage and encourage you to seek God’s best for yourself. If you are currently married and struggling, this book will give you a road map so that you can make mid course corrections to recapture your own paradise.”

-ALSO-

An additional article you may find helpful on this subject is found on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• I’M NOT AGGRESSIVE ENOUGH

You may already be aware of some of the differences. Many, however, will come as a complete surprise. Did you know, for instance, that virtually every cell in a man’s body has a chromosome makeup entirely different from those in a woman’s body?

How about this next one? Dr. James Dobson says there is strong evidence indicating the “seat” of the emotions in a man’s brain is wired differently than in a woman’s. By virtue of these two differences, men and women are miles apart emotionally and physically. Let’s examine some of the differences between men and women.

MENTAL/EMOTIONAL DIFFERENCES:

Women tend to be more personal than men. Women have a deeper interest in people and feelings —building relationships —while men tend to be more preoccupied with practicalities that can be understood through logical deduction. Men tend to be more challenge-and-conquer oriented—competing for dominance —hence, their strong interest in sports such as football and boxing.

Why would a woman be less interested in a boxing match? Because close, loving relationships are usually not developed in the ring! Also, watch what happens during many family vacations. He is challenged by the goal of driving 400 miles a day, while she wants to stop now and then to drink coffee and relax and relate. He thinks that’s a waste of time because it would interfere with his goal.

Men tend to be less desirous and knowledgeable in building intimate relationships, both with God and with others. For example, women are usually the ones who buy marriage books. They are usually the ones who develop the initial interest in knowing God and attending church. When a man realizes his wife is more naturally motivated to nurture relationships, he can relax and accept these tendencies and choose to develop a better marriage and better relationships with his children.

Do you realize that your wife’s natural ability for developing relationships can help you fulfill the two greatest commandments taught by Christ—loving God and loving others (Matt 22:36-40)? Jesus said that if we obey these two commandments, we are fulfilling all the commandments. Think of it! Your wife has the God-given drive and ability to help you build meaningful relationships in both these areas.

God knew you needed special help because He stated, “It is not good for the man to alone; I will make him a helper [and completer] suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). If you let her, your wife can open up a whole new and complete world of communication and deeper relationships.

Dr. Cecil Osborne, in his book The Art of Understanding Your Mate, said women become an intimate part of the people they know and the things that surround them; they enter into a kind of “oneness” with their environment. Though a man relates to people and situations, he usually doesn’t allow his identity to become entwined with them. He somehow remains apart. That’s why a woman, viewing her house as an extension of herself, can be hurt when it’s criticized by others.

Women tend to find their identity in close relationships, while men gain their identity through vocations.

Because of a woman’s emotional identity with people and places around her, she needs more time to adjust to change that may affect her relationships. A man can logically deduce the benefits of a change and get “psyched-up” for it in a matter of minutes. Not so with a woman. Since she focuses on immediate consequences of a relocating, for example, she needs time to overcome the initial adjustment before warming up to the advantages of it.

Men tend to express their hostility through physical violence, while women tend to be more verbally expressive.

PHYSICAL DIFFERENCES:

Dr. Paul Popenoe, founder of the American Institute of Family Relations in Los Angeles, dedicated his more productive years to the research of biological differences between the sexes. Some of his findings are listed below:

• Woman has greater constitutional vitality, perhaps because of her unique chromosome makeup. Normally, female outlives male by three or four years in the U.S.

• Woman’s metabolism is normally lower than man’s.

• Man and woman differ in skeletal structure, woman having a shorter head, broader face, less protruding chin, shorter legs, and longer trunk.

• Woman has larger kidneys, liver, stomach, and appendix than man, but smaller lungs.

• Woman has several unique and important functions: menstruation, pregnancy, lactation. Woman’s hormones are of a different type and more numerous than man’s.

• Woman’s thyroid is larger and more active. It enlarges during pregnancy and menstruation; makes woman more prone to goiter; provides resistance to cold; is associated with her smooth-skinned, relatively hairless body and thick layer of subcutaneous fat.

• Woman’s blood contains more water and 20 percent fewer red cells. Since the red cells supply oxygen to the body cells, woman tires more easily and is more prone to faint. Her constitutional vitality is, therefore, limited to “life span.” (When the working day in British factories was increased from ten to twelve hours under wartime conditions, accidents increased 150 percent among women but not at all among men.)

• On the average, man possesses 50 percent more brute strength than woman (40 percent of a man’s body weight is muscle; 23 percent of a woman’s).

• Woman’s heart beats more rapidly (average 80 beats per minute vs. 72 for man). Woman’s blood pressure (10 points lower than man’s) varies from minute to minute, but she has less tendency toward high blood pressure—at least until after menopause.

• Woman’s vital capacity or breathing power is significantly lower than man’s.

• Woman withstands high temperatures better than man because her metabolism slows down less

SEXUAL DIFFERENCES:

• A woman’s sexual drive tends to be related to her menstrual cycle, while a man’s drive is fairly constant. The hormone testosterone is a major factor in stimulating a man’s sexual desire.

• A woman is stimulated more by touch and romantic words. She is far more attracted by a man’s personality, while a man is stimulated by sight. A man is usually less discriminating about those to whom he is physically attracted.

• While a man needs little or no preparations for sex, a woman often needs hours of emotional and mental preparation. Harsh or abusive treatment can easily remove her desire for sexual intimacy for days at a time.

• When a woman’s emotions have been trampled by her husband, she is often repulsed by his advances. Many women have told me they feel like prostitutes when they’re forced to make love while feeling resentment toward their husbands. However, a man may have NO idea what he is putting his wife through when he forces sex upon her.

These basic differences, which usually surface soon after the wedding, are the source of many conflicts in marriage. From the start, the woman has a greater intuitive awareness of how to develop a loving relationship. Because of her sensitivity, she is initially more considerate of his feelings and enthusiastic about developing a meaningful, multi-level relationship; that is, she knows how to build something more than a sexual marathon; she wants to be a lover, a best friend, a fan, a homemaker, and an appreciated partner.

• The man, on the other hand, does not generally have her instinctive awareness of what the relationship should be. He doesn’t know how to encourage and love his wife or treat her in a way that meets her deepest needs.

Since he doesn’t have an understanding of these vital areas through intuition, he must rely solely upon the knowledge and skills he has acquired prior to marriage. Unfortunately, our educational system does not require a training program for a husband-to-be. His only education may be the example he observed in his home. For many of us, that example might have been insufficient. We enter marriage knowing everything about sex and very little about genuine, unselfish love.

I am not saying men are more selfish than women. I’m simply saying that at the outset of a marriage a man is not as equipped to express unselfish love or as desirous of nurturing marriage into a loving and lasting relationship as a woman is.

…Now that you know WHY men and women cannot understand their respective differences without great effort, I hope you will have more hope, patience, and tolerance as you endeavor to strengthen and deepen your relationship with your wife [or husband].

In this book Gary Smalley explains a woman’s deepest needs, shows a man how to meet those needs, and gives ten simple steps to strengthen any marriage. He helps men to understand not only how to respond to a woman’s feelings, but also how to make her feel important. Using humorous and touching illustrations from his own life, as well as case histories and biblical examples, Gary Smalley maps a blueprint to a better marriage.

Feminists and others in the recent past have worked to blur the distinctions between the sexes. But this effort is ultimately doomed because God created us male and female— different.

… All of us know that men and women are separated by more than basic, biological nuances. But just how different are we? After considerable research, an author named Cris Evatt developed a general summary of male and female personality traits. Of course, these are generalizations that may only apply in degrees to any particular person, and some items on the list probably relate more to social conditioning than real personality differences. But you will enjoy reviewing and discussing the list with your spouse.

Whew! A list like that makes it clear why combining two people with different qualities and approaches to life into a marriage is a challenging task. And to complicate things more, sometimes a quality that attracted you to your mate— “He’s so funny!” —can frustrate you after marriage: “Why can’t he be serious once in a while?” That’s why you should often remind each other, “You are God’s perfect gift for me.” You need to trust Him and His plan.

The above article comes from the book, Starting Your Marriage Right, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey, by Thomas Nelson Publishers www.thomasnelson.com. This book contains information on what you need to know and do in the early years to make your marriage last a lifetime. This would be a great book to give as a shower gift, a wedding gift, a gift for newlyweds, or even for yourself if you fit into that category. It offers concrete ways to put important principles into practice to help you build a solid foundation for your marriage.

•  JUST HOW DIFFERENT ARE MEN AND WOMEN?

Do you want to learn how this can happen?

Below we will provide a link to an article posted on the web site for Smalleyonline.com, written from Norma’s perspective as she witnessed men who came home from Promise Keepers events. (Promise Keepers in a ministry whose mission is to unite men to be godly influences world-wide. Most of their events are held in huge auditoriums and stadiums.)

Upon witnessing their return from these events, Norma noticed that many men didn’t follow through with the promises they had made while they were there. In this article she offers advice to women as to how they can use the differences between men and women to help their husbands keep their promises.

All of this advice may or may not work in your marriage, but we encourage you to see what you can learn and glean what you can use. We hope it will help your marriage in some way.

Please click onto the link below to read the article:

• How the Differences Between Men and Women Can Help Your Husband to Become a Promise Keeper

But what’s “funny” about this is that before marriage, we usually view differences in  positive way.

“Before the wedding, differences tend to seem intriguing, interesting, and attractive. A few months or years into the marriage, however, what seemed so inviting in the semi-fantasy world of dating now seems considerably less than idyllic.” (Phillip J. Swihart, a contributing author to the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

That’s certainly true with us, and we’ve come across a lot of couples that find it true in their marriages as well.

One of the things that frustrates us is the different ways we approach things that disturb us. Dr Leslie Parrott who is the Co-Director for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University talks about how most women like to have their problems understood and sympathized with (before any problem-solving would begin) and men like to get right to it and solve the problem!

The following is something that Dr Parrott wrote to a woman who is perturbed with her husband because she wants him to listen to her without “immediately” telling her what to do to resolve the issue. Leslie writes:

“My husband and I give marriage seminars to couples around the country, and I can’t remember a single one where a woman in the audience hasn’t asked this same question. And most of the time the question’s met with rousing applause from other women in the group!

“The truth is, one of the most fundamental gender issues lies in how we approach problem solving. My husband, a psychologist who teaches others about gender differences, still sometimes offers solutions before he’s heard my heart.

“When this happens to you, remind yourself your husband’s giving you exactly what he’d want if the roles were reversed. While, like most women, you’re content merely to ‘explore’ your problem together, he’s hardwired to fix it. So, in a sense, he feels as though he’s giving you a great gift. Next time, say something to him like this:

‘I’m sure you have solutions in mind, but the truth is, I’m not ready to hear them yet. I need to clear my head by understanding my feelings first and talking them over with you while you simply listen. That’s what will energize me to solve this problem.’

Your husband needs to know it’s OK just to listen, that you’re not actually looking for solutions. Why? Because otherwise he feels as though he’s not doing what you really want. This may seem strange to you as a woman, but trust me, that’s what’s going on inside him. He wants to rescue his proverbial damsel in distress. So let him off the hook. Ease his anxiety. Giving him permission to “just” listen will do wonders in toning down his compulsive problem solving.

“Oh, one more thing. If he starts to interrupt with solutions, gently remind him this is a ‘feelings talk’ right now. I’ve used this shorthand with my husband numerous times. I think you’ll find it helpful, too.” (From Q&A column written by Dr Leslie Parrott in Today’s Christian Woman Magazine Nov/Dec. 2006)

Even though both spouses approach life’s problems in different ways, it’s important to find ways to bridge those differences and make them work for your marriage rather than against them.

In the above case, the man will learn how to be more sensitive to his wife’s need (once he knows he isn’t expected to “fix it”) and the woman will learn to work with the differences between her and her husband so they’re both feeling better about how things should be handled.

To learn more about this and also how you can build a stronger marriage despite and because of your differences, we recommend that you read an article posted on the web site for the great ministry of Marriage Partnership Magazine. To do so, please click onto the link below:

• IT’S A GUY THING: How Gender Differences Can Build a Stronger Marriage

-ALSO-

An additional article you may find helpful is found on the web site for Crosswalk.com. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN’S AND WOMEN’S BRAINS

Plus you can listen to a two part Homeword radio broadcast with Dr Jim Burns interviewing Dr Walt Larimore and his wife Barb by clicking onto the following links:

• DIFFERENCES IN MARRIAGE: HIS BRAIN, HER BRAIN (Part 1)

• DIFFERENCES IN MARRIAGE: HIS BRAIN, HER BRAIN (Part 2)

-ALSO-

We highly recommend the book that was discussed in the article above and the radio interviews: His Brain Her Brain: How Divinely Designed Differences Can Strengthen Your Marriage, written by Dr Walt and Barb Larimore, published by Zondervan. Preview or Purchase this Book Now

Our differences in marriage can cause divisions between us. Differences like:

“She reads people, and he reads manuals
He doesn’t ask for directions, and she doesn’t appreciate his advice
She is so mysterious, and he is so practical
He does not seem to listen, and she seems so emotional
The list goes on and on…”

However, “when they’re meshed together, they make a wonderful marriage”, as Dr Larimore explains.

“Combining the latest brain research along with their experiences in over three decades of marriage and counseling, Dr. Walt and Barb Larimore explain how the unique design of each sex, particularly the unique brain and hormones of each, results in different habits, tendencies, and nuances of thought and action.”

That’s why we’re so excited for you to obtain this book because we believe as you read the scientific part of this as well as the reasoning and the experience the Larimores’ pour into what they have written, you will better see how your gender differences can make build a stronger marriage.

That is reason we put this article together, and it is certainly our prayer for you!

The above article was compiled by Cindy Wright
of Marriage Missions International.

If you have any additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

1. Allow Room for Venting
I tend to think aloud. I use my words to help me sort out my thoughts and decide how I feel about something. Sometimes I don’t want a solution; I just want to “vent.”

For some reason this makes my husband, Ron, uncomfortable because he wants to fix it, forget it, and move on. I like to take a long, hot bath in my problems before I even think about solving them.

When we were first married, we moved into a new neighborhood and began attending a new church. I was almost friendless because I was shy and waiting for a warm and wonderful woman to approach me with a sign on her forehead that read “Friend of Nancy’s.” She hadn’t yet appeared, so I wanted to share my feelings with Ron, “I’m lonely. I wish I had a girlfriend.”

Ron, with the best of intentions, started to help me solve my problem. He gave me a lecture titled “Friendship 101″: In order to have a friend you must be a friend. What have you done to be friendly? Then he got out a legal pad and a wide-tipped Sharpie and wrote in block letters, “Nancy’s Friendship Goals.” Next, he started to draw a flow chart. He was befuddled when I started to cry and said, “I don’t want a diagram. I want a friend!”

Now if I just want to vent, I tell Ron ahead of time. He’s even learned to ask me, “Do you want my advice or just my ear?” What a guy. I think I’ll keep him!

2. Want to Please Me? Don’t Tease Me!
Many couples tease each other, and if you can keep it friendly, it might be fun. If, however, your humor is at someone else’s expense, it’s too costly. My husband is a funny guy. When we met, he was performing stand-up comedy in Los Angeles clubs. He even took joke-writing classes from professional comedians like Steve Martin and had a one-on-one lesson from Bill Cosby.

He was always looking for a laugh. So when I ruined a meal or gained weight, he thought of it as new comedy material. I thought his comments were insulting and cruel. We had some of our biggest fights about his definition of humor. After I explained how much it hurt me, he stopped making my butt the butt of his jokes. He’s still funny, and we often write comedy scripts for Christian plays. But now, we share the same rule: cruel personal insults are not funny.

3. Be Specific; Be Heard
A few years ago, I hit on a principle that’s saved us from hundreds of misunderstandings and arguments.

One afternoon, I was frantically cleaning the house for our son Nick’s birthday party. Ron was sitting in the den reading the newspaper. “Will you please pick up those papers,” I asked, “and sweep the front steps? They’ll be here soon!”

“Uh…” he grunted, without looking up.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” I shouted as I sprinted upstairs to fix my hair and make-up.

Twenty-five minutes later, I looked out the window, and saw a guest’s car in the driveway. “They’re here!”

I heard Ron bustling around in the den as he jumped up from his chair, shoved the papers into the wastebasket, and zipped to the front door with the broom. He was sweeping the porch steps as our guests walked up the sidewalk!

He had no idea why I was upset. Later, when our guests left, I said, “Why didn’t you do what I asked you to do?”

He said, “I did!”

“But you did it when our company was in the driveway!”

“Yeah … so? You didn’t say when to do it.”

He was right—I didn’t. I had the expectation that he’d do it as soon as I asked, but I wasn’t specific on my time-frame. Here’s a news flash. Your spouse can’t read your mind!

Now I ask, “Can you do this by 6:00?” or “Will you be able to have this done by Tuesday?” If he can’t do it, he’ll tell me, and then I can either do it myself or make other arrangements.

4. Hint and Miss
Another way I drove Ron crazy was to hint at something and then throw a fit because he didn’t “get” the hint. For example, one warm, sunny day as we drove by a Baskin Robbins Ice Cream store, I said, “I love lemon sherbet.”

He just kept driving. I guess he didn’t know that my hint meant, “Stop the car. I want some ice cream!”

My girlfriend Tonya would have understood the hint and would have said, “Good idea. Let’s get some!” But Ron was oblivious. He thought I meant just what I said.

Men rarely hint because they’ve learned to ask for what they want. If women would stop the “hint-speak” and ask for what we want, we’d be much more likely to get it.

These changes didn’t take place overnight. I think the issues related to teasing took several years to resolve. If I can see that Ron is making an effort, then I give him some room to fail occasionally. If I went “postal” on him each time he forgot, he’d get discouraged and stop trying.

So as you see your mate start to develop new positive patterns, encourage him or her, and be willing to overlook an occasional slip. Be sure to verbalize your praise and notice when your spouse does it right. Your marriage will grow sweeter as you have less conflict and more understanding and patience.

“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them [wives] with understanding.” (1 Peter 3:7)

The article above is adapted from the great book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome –by Nancy C. Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. This book was written by a woman who strayed to the other side of the marital fence — and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Based on the principle that the grass is always greener where it’s watered, this book focuses on how to grow a beautiful marriage in your own backyard by establishing six protective “hedges” around it. Nancy does a terrific job telling her compelling U-turn story of rebellion, repentance, and restoration. This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.

Nancy C. Anderson is an award-winning author and speaker who loves to teach women and couples how to avoid the “Greener Grass Syndrome.” Nancy and her husband Ron teach at marriage seminars and banquets. If you live in the United States and would like them to speak with your group please contact them at www.RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at www.joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.

Rather than talking WITH each other, they resort to talking AT each other—spitting out facts rather than connecting in their relationship. Have you found yourself in that place with your husband? Join the crowd!

And then when you realize the disconnection going on between you and your husband and you try to dialogue with him —nothing!  Something you say or infer flies right over his head, or it obviously doesn’t hold the same meaning for him as it does for you because of his reaction (or lack there-of).  And then things become even more complicated in your relationship!

Does that mean that men are dense when it comes to communication? No. It may be YOUR communication isn’t always clear to them, but it doesn’t mean ALL communication comes out that way. And it doesn’t mean that you can’t find ways to bridge those misunderstandings. It just demonstrates the need to learn more about each other’s style of communicating and listening in order to better connect in your relationship.

When one man read one of the articles we’re going to refer you to read, he took it as if the author were saying that men were less intelligent and less capable of communicating —which isn’t the point at all! And it’s simply not true. It just means that we speak and perceive things differently from each other. And different isn’t bad or less intelligent —it’s just different!

The same is true in the reverse. Men can talk to us (or not talk to us) and we attach different meanings to what they’re trying to communicate.

Why is it that we seem to be on the same “page” sometimes (especially before marriage) and end up on different planets at other times? That’s really unclear.

Part of the reason could be that sometimes you’re able to do things for a “season” but you can’t maintain it over the long haul —you resort back to your original strength eventually. Does that mean that a person can never change from their original “strength?” No. We can all grow.

But sometimes it takes intentionality and sometimes we may never grow much beyond a certain point and we need the help of our partner to go the rest of the distance. But together as a team —giving each other grace and space, it’s amazing what can be accomplished. As the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10,

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend (or spouse) can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”

So, how do we “de-code” this mysterious difference in our communication styles? We discovered two articles on different web sites that we believe will help. They won’t give you all the answers —only God Himself knows that! But it’s a good start.

Please Note: The first article we will refer you to, appears on the web site for a secular magazine. Although it isn’t written specifically for the Christian audience, it contains good information. As with any human resource, just glean whatever you feel will apply to your situation, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Keep in mind that:

“There could be a very good reason why your husband doesn’t hear what you’re saying. There’s new medical research which reveals why this could be, and what to do about it.”

To read more, please click to:

• HOW TO TALK TO A MAN

— ALSO —

For 7 tips on how to get your spouse to open up, please click onto the web site link for Marriage Partnership Magazine to read:

• CAN WE TALK?

This article was composed by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others on this issue, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Women’s perceptual skills are oriented to quick—call it intuitive—people reading. Females are gifted at detecting the feelings and thoughts of others, inferring intentions, absorbing clues and responding in emotionally appropriate ways. They empathize. Tuned to others, they more readily see alternate sides of an argument. Such empathy fosters communication and primes females for attachment.

Men on the other hand “focus first on minute detail, and operate most easily with a certain detachment.” In other words, they systemize. And their detachment can cause hard feelings and create distance.

We see this difference between the genders online. A broad survey of U.S. Web usage has found that though Internet users share many common interests, men are heavier consumers of news, stocks, and sports while more women look for health and religious guidance. … “Once you get past the commonalities, men tend to be attracted to online activities that are far more action-oriented, while women tend to value things involving relationships or human connections,” says Deborah Fallows, a Pew Internet researcher and author of the report.

One factor [to remember] with the phenomenal female ability to bless others with empathy and related forms of connectedness: like all good things, it can go overboard.

Females are set up biologically to internally amplify their negative life experiences. …women ruminate over upsetting situations, going over and over negative thoughts and feelings, especially if they have to do with relationships. Too often they get caught in downward spirals of hopelessness and despair.

It’s entirely possible that women are biologically primed to be highly sensitive to relationships. … [But] there’s a clear downside. Ruminators are unpleasant to be around, with their oversize need for reassurance.

If you overstate your emotions as they relate to relationships (and if your guy tends to dismiss emotions), and if you want to draw him out of his hiding place, you’ll want to keep a close eye on how much emotion you display. This doesn’t mean you don’t express yourself. It does mean you’ll want to make sure that how you express yourself is concise and doesn’t overwhelm him.

Many in the church have been led to believe that when a man becomes a Christian, he should become more like, well, a woman. When this doesn’t happen, Christian wives can feel personally ripped off.

Many of the problems we faced in our marriage were misdiagnosed. We went to churches that told us our differences were spiritually founded. Women are more spiritual than men, they said, so the answer was pretty simple: Paul needed to be more woman-like.

Paul chaffed. Eventually, he dug deep into prevalent falsehood and presented another view. Now we understand that much of what we once thought was spiritual gender-based. A peace treaty of sorts followed.

Writes Nancy Kennedy for Focus on the Family,

D. James Kennedy, Chuck Swindoll, James Dobson, my husband—they all burp — with gusto and obvious delight. My point in all of this is simple: men are not women. … Unfortunately for most husbands, it often takes their wives a long time—if ever—to realize that. Too often women blame their difficulty in communicating and relating with an unbelieving husband on their unequal yoke. If he were a Christian, he wouldn’t feel the need to take off in his truck and drive around for hours by himself. But that’s not the case.

Guys do like to burp. Tough not on the record, Moses probably burped. So did Peter and David and Abraham.

Anyway, Kennedy creates a crash course in Masculinity 101 by listing the top 8 guy behaviors that women ought to know. Three deal with fear: fear of losing control, fear of being thought inadequate, and fear of being a hypocrite. One behavior is a subset of these, and it’s the biggest ones wives of passive husbands need to know: Guys are cave dwellers when problems strike.

It’s a male tendency that exists even in non-passive men. They’re prone to go someplace in their minds or someplace spatial, like a garage. Paul does work around the house and goes for bike rides. He carries a recorder everywhere because it’s during these times, when it doesn’t look like he’s solving problems, that he often comes to his best solutions.

The point: The appearance that he’s checked out from life, avoiding everything, doesn’t always make it so. How can you tell the difference between grabbing the remote control out of avoidance or out of the need to step back and analyze? He’ll come to you with his response, though it may not fit your timing and/or be the “right” answer. Allow a reasonable amount of time to pass and set a deadline that’s mutually agreeable. Then let him be.

Remember that for men, doing things alone is very important. It reminds them that they’re efficient, powerful, and capable. They rarely talk about their problems, and when they do, they want it to be high-level, expert information—in a sense, they want to have it already worked out. Asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness. This doesn’t justify reluctance to ask for help, but it can help you realize that often it makes him feel small, and no one likes feeling small.

Place your nature in perspective: to most women, advice doesn’t signify weakness but strength. You see it as evidence that you care and support him. And it’s true. But that’s not how he perceives it, especially when in fear’s grip; in that state, when he gets advice he didn’t ask for, it feels like someone publicly displaying just how incapable he is. Advice, for him, isn’t a path toward better living but a device of exposure and call-out. If he feels trapped, he may try just about anything to get out of the spotlight.

Here’s a good example. Paul has taught a number of guys how to fly-fish. At first he tells them everything they need to know to make a good cast. This is usually done on a nice green lawn, without a fly on the end. When they have the basics down, Paul takes them to an actual river, puts on a fly, and lets them go.

He still gives them instruction, but there comes a point where if the man continues to disregard his help and repeats the same errors, Paul will not help that person further —unless he asks for help. It’s because, from a guy’s perspective, he doesn’t want to embarrass the other man. It’s part of the guy code. Messing up a cast is a lot less embarrassing than having a guy continually pester you with advice.

This is a foreign concept to some women, who are used to both immediate and sustained encouragement, support, and direction, which do not feel embarrassing to most. This is one reason why you need to ask your guy to give you what you want instead of waiting for him to voluntarily give it to you. In many cases, a husband won’t automatically help his wife, not because he doesn’t care, but because it goes against the male code.

This can go against the notion that if you have to ask for help, the help doesn’t really count. But as the above demonstrates, this is not how many men think. (In fact, if a guy offers advice without being asked, other guys call him a “know-it-all” or a “jerk.” Such men give other men the creeps. And your man doesn’t want to be a jerk to you).

When he requests help, however, a man appreciates advice. And your advice is far more likely to be heard and acted upon when he perceives he’s being approached as a part of a problem’s solution, not the problem itself. Motivate him by making him feel needed.

When a man ruminates over problems, such as at work, with money, or in the home, he’s likely to become preoccupied with them until a sort of light appears and a solution presents itself. He’ll go into solve mode: an intense, analytical, and relatively unemotional phase of thinking. He’s prone to figure out the problem on his own, rarely bringing the topic to committee. At least at first —it’s how he’s wired.

Women, by contrast, are inclined to take an integrative and intuitive approach. This means you’re more tooled to ask others for help. When your man goes into solve mode, please don’t mistake it for rejection.

Paul goes into “coach mode” around one hour before a game, and he stays in it during the game through about an hour past the game, win or lose. Abby, our only daughter, and I have learned to accept the three-hour window that’s devoted to the execution and analysis of soccer. We know it’s not a good idea to talk to him during this time, though Abby sometimes sneaks over to the sideline for a hug.

At the same time, Paul does his best to be at least civil, and he gives her a kiss. From his perspective, expecting him to be open to conversation, discussing other topics during this pivotal time, is simply unfair, given his need to focus intensely. He assures me that it physically hurts his head when he’s asked to do so. Being true to his nature in this respect is not a sin. It would feel wrong to him if he didn’t focus this way; he’d feel he was giving his players and their parents less than their best.

NOTE TO THE NICE GUY: What would really help your wife during problem-solving mode is telling her that you don’t know the answer but will get back to her when you do. And then get back to her! Don’t use this as an opportunity to coast in your relationship, hoping she’ll forget about what needs to be handled. That hasn’t worked in the past, and it’s also a lie —it hurts her, angers her, and undermines her trust in you.

Remember, she’s more likely to verbally address relationship issues than you are. A wise man respects her inclination. No woman wants to be married to a man who seems like he doesn’t care.

Of the four primary paths toward intimacy, most men prefer two (touching and togetherness) and most women prefer two (thinking and talking). Just as much emotional gridlock and frustration take place when we try to make our spouse prefer our favored intimacy forms, much personal growth and marital harmony come about when we stop trying to force the other person into our intimacy box.

Some men have flawed thinking about intimate thoughts and talking —they believe it’s synonymous with being controlled. Many think that emotional connection will make it easier for someone to “get” them, lock them up, and hold them captive. Some have wounds and scars from female figure who, once he exposed himself emotionally, took advantage of his vulnerability with attacks, criticisms, punishments, or manipulations. Regardless, though —whatever his reasons —he needs to come to see and believe that he loses nothing form true intimacy. He will gain vitality, passion, safety, and so much more; he just needs to know and feel that he won’t be controlled or taken advantage of.

The above article comes from the book, Married But Not Engaged, by Paul and Sandy Coughlin, published by Bethany House www.bethanyhouse.com. This book is written to bring hope, encouragement, and insight to women who are frustrated with the passive “nice guy” to whom they’re married. As Sandy Coughlin says, “Maybe you’re wondering how you can regain respect for a man who is consistently passive, frequently fearful, habitually resistant to committing or even making decisions. Wishy-washy … won’t shoot straight with is boss … won’t stand up to his parents … placates rather than connects with his kids … highly values looking good in the eyes of others … can’t say no to volunteer opportunities or church obligations … and often puts you last.”

“Your marriage isn’t turning out like the ones you saw (or thought you saw) in your church. This isn’t the life you envisioned or planned for as a younger woman. You struggle with resentment, perhaps bitterness, perhaps shame.”

This book aims to help the woman who is on a “quest to create or rediscover genuine intimacy in your marriage (or marriage-to-be). Every woman wants her man to be ‘engaged,’ and not in the sense of putting a ring on her finger, but in terms of being emotionally present.” How a woman relates to him and interacts with him can make an incredible difference; and this book is written to help in that process. In the chapters of this book, Paul Coughlin (a former Christian Nice Guy) shares “what causes a man’s passivity, what destruction takes place when a man decides to be nice instead of good” and what a wife (or wife-to-be) “can do to help him find and use his emotional compass.” He shares ways in which he “tried to foster and facilitate change, including why most of [his] attempts didn’t work and what ultimately proved to restore to [his] marriage the intimacy [he and his wife] wanted.”

We hope by sharing the following ideas with you, maybe it will offset some of your arguments or clear up some things. The part of the book I’m referring to talks about gender differences and approaches to home work projects.

The following are some quotes that maybe you and your spouse have either said, or have heard someone else say. Like, for example: “I’d like her to accept me the way I am. She thinks I’m this endless source of energy. I’m not. I get tired but she thinks I’m lazy.” Or: “I can handle one task in an afternoon but not this endless list. But she just can’t seem to understand that.” You may have even said (or thought): “He’s lazy. Or he doesn’t care about the home projects. He has energy for his puttering around. I’d like a nap Sunday afternoon too, but there’s always work to do.”

Do they sound like familiar complaints in your home? They sure do to us! And we’ve known of plenty of others who have said essentially the same thing!

Author Norman Wright says this about these statements:

“Complaints! I’ve heard them and so have you. Many complaints are tied into not understanding a gender difference called energy. Women do have more energy than men, even though men have more start-up energy. Many women are like the Energizer ad on TV that shows the batteries continuing to run and run and run.

“Men use up their allotment of energy and then need to stop to be recharged. A man goes on a personal retreat by taking a nap, resting, reading, or watching TV. He needs aloneness to recover his energy whereas women are capable of rebuilding energy while carrying on their normal activities.

“The problem of energy or lack of it arises when a man doesn’t know in advance the details of a project his wife wants him to work on. Even though it may be limiting to a woman, a man needs to know what the task is and how long he’s expected to work. Why? He wants to know in advance so he doesn’t run out of energy. No, it’s not an idea concocted by men to get out of work (even though it may seem like it to women).

“A man’s metabolism and fat system is different from a woman’s. Women have a fat reserve that gives them energy; men don’t. A woman’s muscles use energy in a much more efficient manner than a man’s do. Men don’t want what energy they have to be misused.

“A woman may feel restricted by her husband when he says, ‘Here’s the job we need to do. We’ll start here, go to this, stick to this plan, and be done in two hours.’ She asks, ‘Why?’ Being boxed in is an energy drain for her. That’s why many couples have difficulty working together. She may want to take some side excursions and detours and he wants to stay on the main highway. He needs to stay focused to conserve energy and she needs variation for the same reason.

“Women don’t have to be as careful as men in planning the use of energy. A common response from husbands is, ‘Why didn’t you tell me ahead of time?’ A wife may want to talk with her husband while he’s relaxing. That’s energy boosting to her but draining to him.”

Dr Wright goes on to say,

“If Joyce and I are going to rearrange a room, I’d rather figure out in advance where everything goes than shift furniture around several times. Most husbands don’t want their wives to carry on a conversation with them while they’re doing a task. It’s distracting, throws them off-balance, and uses up extra energy. But get several women together to decorate and they enjoy moving something here and there and back and forth.

“It’s helped me to understand that part of my own reluctance to change has to do with energy drain. And if I initiate the change, I’ve figured out the time and energy needed. But if someone else wants it done and is too general about the details and amount of time needed, I don’t know how much energy to set aside and I may be a bit resistant at first. I guess I’m somewhat normal.

“It doesn’t get any better the older we are. Research shows that age sixty, men have only 60% of the physical strength and flexibility they had at age twenty. But women have 90% of the physical strength and flexibility they had at age twenty.

“All it takes for a couple to be able to work well together is to recognize and acknowledge these differences, discuss them, and talk about how they affect their work together. This recognition will help them understand if what they want their partner to change is reasonable and attainable. If not, expectations and desires can be adjusted and a greater level of acceptance attained.”

Steve has adjusted his approach to working around the house and yard to work longer—until we’re BOTH done (where before he just stopped working because he was tired). And I have learned to give him more grace and space in getting things done and realize that he’ll probably need more “recovery time” afterwards if he pushes himself more than he normally would.

I’ve learned to pace out the projects with relaxing times and fun times in between (which is healthier for our health AND our marriage). Things might not be as orderly or get done as quickly as I’d like them—but for the sake of our health and marital relationship it’s been worth the compromise!

It’s taken us years to readjust our work styles to approach things as a team (and sometimes we still fall into our old work approaches) but all-in-all the compromises and adjustments we’ve made (and are still learning to make) have brought a LOT more peace into our relationship.

I know the Lord is pleased when we work to consider each other’s needs as more important than our own, after all, isn’t that the example the Lord gave us in how he led His life? The Bible says in Philippians 2:3-4,

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”

We pray you’ll work to do the same in considering the differences that are gender related and maybe work style related. Not every male or female approaches work like it’s mentioned above. Your work styles may even be reversed. But the point is, whatever your differences are, WORK with them instead of against them.

Look for ways to be a team in whatever situation you have in front of you. You may be working with disabilities or varying abilities and talents or whatever! But don’t let that stop you. Learn to work through the differences as a team so the Lord is glorified. Do all that comes your way as “unto the Lord.”

Our prayers are with you as together we make our marriages the best they can be!
Cindy and Steve Wright