THE MARRIAGE SKIT

And now, for something a bit more serious to help you:

AVOID THE TYPICAL PITFALLS OF MARRIAGE

No couple embarks on married life expecting to end up in divorce court, but that’s what happens to more than one million American couples each year. And when they do the postmortem, they often find their marriage was sabotaged by one of these 10 traps:

1. Taking your partner for granted. That’s like having a garden that you’re not weeding or fertilizing, says Robert Billingham, professor of human development and family studies at Indiana University. “You can’t expect it to continue to thrive.” Let your partner know you appreciate him or her.

2. Forgetting that a good marriage takes work. “People think that having a happy marriage is a magical, mystical occurrence,” says marriage and family therapist Dr. Leslie Parrott, co-author of When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages (Zondervan/HarperCollins). “We’ve accepted the fact that parenting takes a lot of skill, but we don’t want to accept the idea that romantic love takes a great deal of work, too.”

3. Not talking through conflict. If you rely on heavy sighs, slammed doors and other non-verbal communication when something is bothering you, you could be playing with fire. As painful as it may be to get the conversation started, you must speak up. “Otherwise, problems start festering and begin to take on a life of their own,” explains Sharon Naylor, author of The Unofficial Guide to Divorce (Hungry Minds).

4. Failing to romance your partner. “We all want to be made to feel special,” says psychologist Kate Wachs, author of Relationships for Dummies (Hungry Minds) and Dr. Kate’s Love Secrets (Paper Chase Press). “That’s why it’s so important to set aside at least one night per week for you and your spouse. Use this regular ‘date night’ to share your hopes and dreams.”

5. Fighting dirty. The better you know somebody, the easier it is to hurt that person. “No matter how angry you may be about something,” Naylor says, “you need to resist the temptation to figure out the one thing that will hurt your partner the most and then use that against him.”

6. Fighting over money. A recent study by the Million Dollar Round Table, an international association of life insurance and financial services professionals, found that 43% of married couples argue about money. If money’s becoming a major source of conflict, you might consider sitting down with a financial planner or some other 3rd party that can help come up with a financial game plan you both can live with.

7. Letting the passion fizzle. “Have sex often — anytime either of you is in the mood,” Wachs says. “If you wait until both partners are in the mood, you won’t end up having much sex at all and, over time, you’ll end up drifting apart.”

8. Shutting down sexually when you’re angry rather than dealing with issues. Although withholding affection may seem like the ideal way to punish your partner, you risk seriously damaging your relationship, Wachs says.

9. Failing to understand that marriages have ups and downs. “It’s OK to expect incredible moments in your marriage,” Parrott says. “Just don’t expect them to happen every day.”

10. Throwing in the towel too easily. “We’re so accustomed to the concept of obsolescence that we treat our partners as disposable,” says Herb Glieberman, a Chicago divorce attorney and author. Vow to rekindle the flames rather than looking for the closest escape hatch.

The above article is titled, “AVOID THE TYPICAL PITFALLS OF MARRIAGE” was written by Ann Douglas, and was featured in The Chicago Tribune, Jan. 2, 2002.

Please click onto the following link to enjoy:

“THE WIFE SONG“

And now for the article:

What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife:

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question: What does a woman want?”

Well, Freud, may not have been able to identify the deepest needs of women, but modern research has. A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are: (1) to be cherished, (2) to be known and (3) to be respected.

• She Needs to be Cherished
“I can’t understand it, Doc.” Doug was talking before he even sat down in my counseling office. “Lisa has everything she could possibly need. She doesn’t have to work, she buys lots of clothes, we live in a great place, we take wonderful vacations, I’m faithful—but she’s miserable.” Doug shook his head and said, “I just don’t get it.”

We talked a bit more about his seven-year marriage and how he tried to express his love for Lisa. “I’m not the talkative type, Doc,” he said. “I show my love by providing the very best I can for her.” This poor husband didn’t realize that his love-starved wife would have traded all the clothes and vacations in the world for a little tenderness from him.

Without meaning to, a husband can completely miss one of his wife’s most important needs: to be cherished. This need is too often overlooked by husbands because we don’t feel the need for it as deeply as women do. But that doesn’t discount its validity. Your wife needs to be cherished.

She needs to know she is number one in your life. If it came down to an evening with your buddies or a night with your wife, she needs to know you would choose her—not because you have to, but because you want to.

What can you do to cherish your wife?

Consider how often you say, “I love you.”
Some men don’t feel the need to say it with words, but every wife has an insatiable need to hear it. Your wife also needs evidence that you are thinking about her during your day. A small gift or a quick phone call to say, “You are on my mind,” can mean the world to her.

As a man, you probably have no idea of the effect you can have on your wife by being gentle and tender, making her feel cared for.

…Does cherishing your wife mean sacrificing golf games, success at work, or nights out with the boys? Believe it or not, the answer is no. When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence.

Before Doug learned to cherish Lisa, she would complain about his fishing trips. In fact, Lisa wanted a separation because “standing by a lake was more important to Doug than I was.” But once Doug genuinely made Lisa number one, once he began to express true tenderness, Lisa pleasantly shocked him: “I’ll cover for you at the meeting next Thursday so you can get an early start on your fishing trip if you want.” Lisa made this offer because she now felt secure in her position of importance.

“To love and to cherish” is more than a phrase from your wedding vows. It is one of the most important needs your wife will ever have. By meeting it, you are sure to build a partnership that brings you both pleasure…

• She Needs to be Known
For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m a psychologist. I often spend my day doing just that with my clients. I know how to empathize with a person’s pain, to feel his feelings and convey understanding. But when it comes to my marriage, something makes me want to solve Leslie’s problems instead of understand them.

She will tell me about something and I will passively listen until I have heard enough and then, as if to say I’m ready to move on to other things, I will offer advice. I’ll lecture instead of listen. To this day, it often takes every ounce of self-control I can muster to bite my tongue and actively listen.

At least I’m not alone. Consider this fact: Men say three times as many words in public as they do in private, while women say three times as many words in private as they do in public. Women like to match experiences, to draw one another out, to volley in conversations. But when it comes to talking to their husbands, many women feel like the wife who told me, “Talking to my husband is like playing tennis with no one in the other court.”

To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.

Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times —or a comforting hug, a loving statement like “You are hurting, aren’t you?” or “You are under a lot of pressure, aren’t you?” Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions is the only way to meet her need to be known.

• She Needs to be Respected
Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.

Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.

There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife. To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights. I know a woman who, because of her upbringing, valued the tradition of having her door opened for her by her husband. She knew the custom was kind of old-fashioned, but it meant a lot to her, and she asked her husband to do it.

Her husband never took her request seriously. “You’re kidding, right?” he’d say. “Nobody does that anymore. That’s why we’ve got power locks on the car.” By laughing off his wife’s request, this husband weakened his opportunity to meet one of his wife’s deepest needs—to be respected.

Respecting your wife also mean including her in decisions. I am always amazed when I find a husband who wields all the power in a marriage and makes all the decisions, regardless of what his wife thinks. I have known men who will make decisions about relocating to a new job in another part of the country without even consulting their wives. I don’t know of a quicker way to tear down a woman’s sense of self and ruin the possibility of a happy marriage.

Build your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about.What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should.What would you like?”

Respect says, “I support you, you are valuable to me, and you don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman.

The above article is written by Les Parrott and comes from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, by Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Leslie Parrott www.realrelationships.com, published by Zondervan Publishing. As psychologist (Les) and marriage and family therapist (Leslie) who counsel hundreds of married couples, they have “learned that living happily ever after is less a mystery than a mastery of certain skills. Although married life will always have its difficulties, you will steadily and dramatically improve your relationship by mastering certain life skills.”

They’ve also written two workbooks as companions to this book, one for the man and one for the woman. “The twenty-one self-tests in the workbooks will help you and your partner put into action what is taught in this book. As an additional help, they have provided questions for reflection at the end of each chapter that are suitable as discussion starters for couples or small groups. Finally, if you would like to bring this program to your church or small group setting, a video curriculum is available, also entitled, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.

We know that a lot of women read romance novels, so they know what it can look like between two other people (even in an over-inflated, artificial way), but what about your own marital relationship?

“Do you remember when you and your spouse were dating? When dinner was consumed to the strains of soft music instead of to Sponge Bob? In the day to day busyness of married life, romance is often the first thing to go. Yet the ‘Romance Factor’ can have a high impact on the success of your marriage.

The Romance Factor encompasses much more than just sex. It invokes the five senses: sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch. It’s the emotional, spiritual, and physical connection between a husband and wife.”

Do you want that connection again— to put the romance factor back into your own marriage?

Twanda Smith, who is a romantic events planner and consultant, has a few ideas that can help arouse the five senses within you and your spouse that might help in some way to re-connected you romantically.

You can read about it by clicking on the link provided below to an article posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site:

• THE ROMANCE FACTOR

And then arrow back to read another related article from the ministry of Family Life Today which addresses trying to be romantic when you’re just too tired (and other related factors). You can do so by clicking onto the link below:

• WHEN BUSYNESS GETS IN THE WAY OF ROMANCE

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

One of the ideas I came up with years ago, and a goal I strive for in my own homemaking, is that every room where I have been should be a little bit better because I have been there. I try to do that both in my spiritual/personal life as well as in my homemaking tasks — “poking holes in the darkness” wherever I go. And I’ve seen that it makes a positive difference!

Concerning homemaking ideas, I try to straighten up or put away at least one thing that is out of place when I go into or out of that room so when I leave it, it’s at lease a bit improved. A little here, a little there, seems to lighten the load of doing so much all at once when I do major cleaning (and makes things look a bit better in the meantime).

I also remember someone once saying that he learned that it takes more work and energy to drop clothing on the floor and have to go back later, pick them up and then put them away than it does to just put them away in the first place. I try to remember that tip when I’m tempted to drop my clothing on the floor when I’m changing.

Of course, that doesn’t apply if you expect your spouse to pick up after you, but then you have an entirely different energy drain and marriage problem going on as you battle with your spouse who resents the extra work you are causing her or him by your immature actions! Please be”kind and considerate” as you’re told in the Bible. Don’t cause unnecessary problems within your marriage and your home by not cleaning up after yourself.

Another thing I’ve tried to remember is something that my husband said to me years ago (and has reiterated several times since). He told me that when he enters our home he feels an “Ahhh… I’m home” in his spirit — that our home is nice and clean and pleasant to enter into — a haven of peace for his heart after he leaves a very hectic and energy-draining world.

He and I realize that there are times and circumstances when it can’t always be that way …life happens! And you can’t always control the cleanliness and peacefulness of the home, plus, there are things that need to be done to maintain the home so it stays that way. But it’s a goal I try to over-all strive for as much as possible, to make our home a haven.

With that as an over-all priority, not only does my husband and others who enter our home enjoy the benefits of peacefulness, but so do I …eventually, after I manage with intentionality to get it that way!

Author Jill Savage says it well: 

“One of the reasons I’m at home is to provide a home environment my family wants to come home to. As best I can, I can create a welcoming, soothing atmosphere to speak love to my family. If you’ve never considered being intentional about creating a welcoming environment with fragrance, give it a try and see if it affects the mood of your family.” (From the article, “Homemaking Tips that Create Security” by Jill Savage)

I can attest to the fact that it definitely affects our moods in a positive way! And others have said the same thing about our home — that it’s very calming and peaceful.

But how do you do this when you have little ones (and/or even big ones) running all over the place messing up things faster than you can you can clean (especially when you’re tired)? I have sure been there and have tried to do that, and sometimes miserably unsuccessfully!

My sons are grown and married now and have homes of their own. But there was a long season of time when we had a houseful of our own children plus others running in and out of our home. And when I was in the middle of this season of our lives, it was a continual juggling act of figuring out what was most important to do, how and when!

We now have grandchildren as well who come over and make their imprints well known all over our house. And quite frankly, we wouldn’t have it any other way!

So, to help all of us, I’ll give a few links below to articles and web sites I found that can be helpful when battling with that dilemma.

The first is an article written by Sandy Coughlin and posted on Crosswalk.com that you might find helpful. In this article Sandy writes about “changing things up a bit” as you go about your homemaking tasks, which has helped her and may help you. Please click onto the link below to read:

One of the things I’ve done many times is have mini races with myself against time where I try to see how much I can get done within 2-5 minutes (using a timer) or during a commercial for a television show. It can add a little twist and sometimes be a little fun to see if I can make a big dent in what needs to be done concerning housework. I challenge you to try it sometime!

Next, for those of you with children, the following is an article written by Kristin Chesemore where she gives three very practical tips as she discusses “Food and Clothing First”, “Minimal Cleaning”, and “Ruthless Paperwork Habits”. Please click onto the link below to read:

• EFFECTIVE HOMEMAKING WITH YOUNG KIDS

If you’re juggling with trying to be the “perfect” homemaker and are battling with guilt trips, misconceptions, and “when does mom get time off work”, the following article written by Cheryl Gochnauer, posted on the Kyria web site might give you insights. Please click onto the link below to read:

• STAY AT HOME SUPER MOM

You may have noticed that the above article talks about home management and “team roles” and such. You may be in a situation where your home needs a complete overhaul of who does what, concerning managing the home and making it run smoother. You may or may not have a spouse who will help you with this, but if you do, the following article written by Kathy Peel, posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site may be interesting and beneficial to read:

• FAMILY MANAGEMENT MAKEOVER

There are a few web sites provided below where you can find a LOT of help ranging from in making your home more organized, cleaner and calmer and more. The following are a few of them:

The first is a great web site (a personal favorite of mine) that provides all kinds of articles with on-going help available (on homemaking tips, recipes, family fun, frugal living, stewardship, organizing, parenting, etc.). As they say, “We’re taking homemaking to a ‘Higher Level” with spiritual values in mind. It is:

• Christian-Homemaking.com

And then there is another web site where you can find tips to help you with your “cleaning, clutter, cooking, decorating, holidays, etc.” that you might find beneficial to read through. The following web site link will take you to the “Homemaking Archive” for:

• Christian-Mommies.com

There’s another web site link you might benefit from going to as well. Here’s the description:

“This is a collection of sites that inspire us to embrace the lost art of homemaking. Site topics include: parenting, marriage, child care, entertaining, cleaning, cooking, crafting, simple living, budgeting, debt management, finances, decorating, frugality, cleaning, motivation, goal setting, recipes, housekeeping, gardening, pets and much more! Only good information, support, and inspiration!”

To visit this collection of web sites, please click onto:

• LotsaSites.com

I hope this helps in some way. If you have additional tips to help in this area of marriage, please pass them along in the discussion section below. We would greatly appreciate it!

The above article was put together by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

That’s a strange statement to make, isn’t it? Yes… but it’s true. To better understand what Stormie Omartian means when she compares your wife to an automobile, plus additional advice she has for you as a praying husband, please click onto the web site link below to read:

• THE POWER OF A PRAYING HUSBAND

In addition, the following is something that Stormie’s husband Michael Omartian has written on a husband praying for his wife and then you will find a written prayer afterward which you can use as an outline to pray for your own wife, if you choose. Michael writes:

“Prayer requires forgetting your own agenda and letting God set the agenda. Many times prayer would focus my attention away from the need to see Stormie change and become more accommodating to me, instead how I could change and be more accommodating to her. Scary stuff for the ego! But through prayer we have been able to make changes and work things out. Now we have been married for 28 years and I can’t imagine anyone else as my mate. but our problems only work themselves out when she and I join with God to solve them.”

PRAYER POWER:

“Lord, I pray that You would establish in me and (wife’s name) bonds of love that cannot be broken. Show me how to love my wife in an ever-deepening way that she can clearly perceive. May we have mutual respect and admiration for each other so that we become and remain one another’s greatest friend, champion, and unwavering support.

“Where love has been diminished, lost, destroyed, or buried under hurt and disappointment, put it back in our hearts. Give us strength to hold on to the good in our marriage, even in those times when one of us doesn’t feel love.

“Enable my wife and me to forgive each other quickly and completely. Specifically I lift up to You (name any area where forgiveness is needed). Help us to ‘be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving,’ the way You are to us (Ephesians 4:32).

“Teach us to overlook the faults and weaknesses of the other. Give us a sense of humor, especially as we deal with the hard issues of life.

“Unite us in faith, beliefs, standards of morality, and mutual trust. Help us to be of the same mind, to move together in harmony, and to quickly come to mutual agreements about our finances, our children, how we spend our time, and any other decisions that need to be made.

“Where we are in disagreement and this has caused strife, I pray You would draw us together on the issues. Adjust our perspectives to align with Yours. Make our communication open and honest so that we avoid misunderstandings.

“May we have the grace to be tolerant of each other’s faults and, at the same time, have the willingness to change. I pray that we will not live two separate lives, but will instead walk together as a team. Remind us to take time for one another so that our marriage will be a source of happiness, peace, and joy for us both.

“Lord, I pray that You would protect our marriage from anything that would destroy it. Take out of our lives anyone who would come between us or tempt us. Help us to immediately recognize and resist temptation when it presents itself.

“I pray that no other relationship either of us have, or have had in the past, will rob us of anything in our relationship now. Sever all unholy ties in both of our lives. May there never be any adultery or divorce in our future to destroy what You, Lord, have put together. Help because it has developed a non-working part. I pray that we will turn to You —the Designer —to fix it and get it operating the way it was intended.

“Teach us to seek each other’s well-being first, as You have commended in Your Word (1 Corinthians 10:24). We want to keep You at the center of our marriage and not expect from each other what only You can give.

“Where either of us have unrealistic expectations of the other, open our eyes to see it. May we never waver in our commitment and devotion to You and to one another, so that this marriage will become all You designed it to be.”

The above article and prayer came from the book, “The Power of a Praying Husband, written by Stormie Omartian and Michael Omartian (with additional contributors such as Neil Anderson, Steven Curtis Chapman, Jack Hayford and others), published by Harvest House. “In 20 short, easy-to-read chapters, Stormie Omartian shares how you can intercede for your wife” in prayer in various areas “where she longs for your prayers” You’ll also receive “advice and personal stories from well-know Christian men, prayer ideas and words from Scripture.” Preview or Purchase this book now.

—ALSO—

Below you will find additional prayers you can pray for your wife, located at another web site location. Please click onto the link below to read:

• PRAYER PORTIONS: Praying for Your Wife

In a ministry that deals with marriage, it’s difficult NOT to cover the issue of birth control. It’s a necessary decision to make —whether you consider it a viable choice for you as a married couple to use it or not.

From time-to-time we will receive letters from people (primarily women) asking whether it’s biblical to use birth control. Our answer is, “that depends.” The following is part of a response I sent out to someone asking our opinion on this:

As for your question about it being “wrong” if you use birth control, I have to say that I see nothing in the Bible that would make one think it’s biblically wrong (and I’ve looked because we’ve had many, many other inquiries about this). Birth control, as long as it doesn’t take the life of the baby (like having an abortion) is something that I believe as a follower of Christ, is wise and isn’t against God’s will for us, unless He individually shows us otherwise.

God created sex for many reasons. And one of them is for pleasure and intimate connectiveness with our covenant marriage partner. He wants us to enjoy having sexual relations within marriage with our spouse so we feel closer to each other. It’s actually a sacred act within marriage. (We have several articles on our web site in the “Sexual Issues” section on this subject.)

In the book, A Celebration of Sex, which is a Christian book by Dr Douglas E Rosenau, there are several pages dedicated to birth control. Part of what he says is this:

“The Genesis passage of being fruitful and multiplying is in the context of God’s giving humankind control of the natural world. We are to be wise stewards of the children God places in our care. To choose to have one or two or five has to be a thoughtful and prayerful decision. You as a couple will have to sort through which method of birth control best fits you as you consider personal sensitivities and values.

“…It is good for all of us to remember that God values family and procreation with the planting of seed and the possibility of contraception. Thinking through birth control requires us to sort through our theology of procreation and life, and the deeper meaning of lovemaking in God’s overall sexual economy.”

God gave us a brain to think with and use. And if we don’t think that it would be a good idea to have a baby at this time (or even ever have a baby) we need to pray about it and see if this lines up with God’s will for our lives and use our God-given wisdom to use something that will prevent pregnancy. Every baby that comes into this world should be seen as being a blessing and one that we are prepared to care for and raise as the Lord would have us. If we aren’t ready to have a child or we think we might not be good parents then we need to be wise and consider using birth control.

If, on the other hand, you become pregnant because the birth control didn’t work, then you need to view it as God’s way of telling you that He will help you to love and care for this baby. You did your part to prevent an unwanted pregnancy but if God over-rides your preventative actions, then this would be God’s will for you and you would then lovingly raise the child the Lord has decided to give you.

As for the type of birth control and other related questions you may have, I advise you to put “Birth Control for Christians” into your search engine of your computer. I put that term into the Google search engine and quite a few articles came up that looked very interesting and helpful to read. I believe as you read through what God inspires you to read, you will eventually know what God’s will is in this area of your life.

As you read each one, pray as to what God would want YOU to do. There are many opinions as to what may be the best birth control method, but trust God to show you what would work best for your family.

Please enjoy having sexual relations with your husband and if God leads you to, I hope you will use whatever birth control God shows you is OK. I believe you are being a wise steward with the wisdom God is giving you if you pray over whether or not having more children will work for you in your marriage. Just as the Bible says that there is a “season for everything under heaven” I believe there is a season to be “fruitful and multiply” and there is a season to stop the harvest.

So, to help those of you who are struggling with this question, we’re going to list a few links to some web site articles that you might find helpful — giving different perspective. We encourage you to prayerfully read through each article. You might also research more on your own if these don’t answer your questions after praying about it.

Please click onto the links below to read:

• CAN CHRISTIANS USE BIRTH CONTROL?

• BIRTH CONTROL: A CHRISTIAN’S PERSPECTIVE

• SILENT VOICES: BIRTH CONTROL

We have one last consideration we encourage you to to pray about concerning the issue of whether you should use birth control or not. Please read Romans 14 and 1 Corinthians 10 in your Bible. Within these scriptural passages, the issue is raised on certain practices such as eating meat sacrificed to idols, and whether this was permissible for followers of Christ.

From what I read, the message was that “it depends” —just as we said at the beginning of this article. “Everything is permissible —but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible —but not everything is constructive” (1 Corinthians 10:23).

It’s a matter of praying about it, reading and discussing together what you perceive God is telling YOU as marriage partners —whether to use birth control or not, and then going in the direction God leads on this matter. When you ask for wisdom, consider all the facts, asking God for clarification for your life path together with Him, and then you will make the right decision, we are sure.

Please know that for all who read this, we are asking God to “fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may life a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God” (Colossians 1:9-10).

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International. We greatly welcome your constructive discussion below to help others who may be reading this article.

Do you yell and scream and try to shame him/her into stopping this behavior? Same question applies: “How’s that been working for you so far?”

And then there are the excuses — you’ve probably heard a million of them! “I drink to forget” “I feel better when I drink” “I’ve tried to ‘get on the wagon’ …’every time I fail’” and more.

“Alcoholics offer many excuses — ‘Drinking makes me feel better,’ ‘It calms me down,’ ‘I’m more fun when I’m drunk’ and more — but these explanations only skim the surface of the deeper issues that usually drive and fuel a drinking problem.” (Ashley Michael, from article titled “But I’ve Got Reasons” posted on Troubled with.com)

And what about the promises your spouse has made that “things will be different?” (That is, if you’ve even received such promises!) Perhaps you can relate to the following comments that came from a wife whose husband has a drinking problem:

“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. That must be the most frustrating part of the experience — having Bob look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s through — really done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’

“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From the Question and Answer article “If my husband drinks a lot but doesn’t get drunk, is he an alcoholic?“)

That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it, don’t you think? Your spouse may have good intentions but he/she is in a state of denial both mentally (not facing the truth) and in a state of denial physically (where the needs of the body deny him or her the ability to stop reaching for another drink unless he/she has serious help).

It’s difficult to talk to someone who is in a continual state of denial, as well. That is why you often need help to know how to best work with the situation you have been handed. It comes down to the fact that when you are dealing with a person who is a heavy drinker —particularly if he or she is is drinking at the time, you aren’t speaking to your spouse so much as you are the alcohol he/she is using for numbing purposes — to cope with life in an unhealthy manner.

When you are trying to deal with this type of dysfunctional partner you truly need wisdom and help from someone who isn’t so close to the situation and can give you objective advice.

“A comment I often have clients, who are frustrated with a dysfunctional partner, repeat back to me is:  ‘Do not expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.’

“Learning to get our expectations in line with reality is a first step in dealing with reality. We are often the first person that needs a change of perspective. In therapy we call this ‘re-framing’ the situation.” (Delores Stone, Counselor)

You need to “get real” within yourself and with your spouse. To help you with this, please click onto the web site links below:

• GAMES ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES PLAY

• ARE YOU AN ENABLER?

• WHEN TO TAKE A STAND (Watch Online)

My husband, Jeff, and I had just relocated to this town, and although he was not a Christian at the time, Jeff was supportive of my desire to get involved in my new church.

I quickly made friends and started serving in different areas of church life, such as helping in the nursery and planning women’s retreats.

Over the course of time, I developed a close friendship with the pastor and his wife. And as the months turned into years, my relationship with the pastor became overly-familiar and far too close.

Many times when the pastor’s wife and I were having lunch at their home, her husband would drop by for awhile and we would all chat. Since the pastor and I had similar personalities we found each other charming, witty, and irresistibly funny. We could laugh and talk for hours.

Our “friendship” eventually escalated to the point where we were talking on the phone almost every day. Of course Jeff had no idea that the pastor and I were in daily contact. This was something I was hiding from him.

Although we mainly discussed benign topics such as church business or our mutual friends, in my heart of hearts I knew it was inappropriate behavior. The phone calls were starting to thrill me —which was alarming in and of itself. And I felt conscience-stricken about allowing this too close friendship to continue.

Yet, instead of responding to the “red light” of a guilty conscience by shutting down the friendship, I was drawn even closer to the pastor by my pride and a refusal to heed the warning signs.

In desperation I called up my trusted friend Debbie who lived in another state. She listened patiently as I poured out my heart to her. I held nothing back, doing my best to be as transparent as possible.

Her counsel was that I leave that church immediately. During our long, tearful conversation, she literally begged me to get out of the pastor’s life that day, and to run to a different church, as if my life depended on it.

I vowed that I would obey her warning. I promised to do exactly as she said. I pledged to extract myself from this man’s life quickly. But ultimately, I chose not to.

You see, at first I was convinced that Debbie’s advice was correct. Then, little by little, I decided that I could handle the pastor’s escalating attention. Leaving a church I loved so dearly seemed too drastic. So on I went, careening recklessly through another red light.

My world came crashing down one hot July afternoon. I had put my little boy down for a nap and was enjoying my daily chat on the phone with the pastor  —when he revealed his interest in me as more than just a friend.

In hindsight all I can say is “duh!” Spending copious amounts of time getting to know someone of the opposite sex is called “dating”. What did I expect to happen?

His declaration of romantic interest propelled me into the worst season of my life, and what ensued was a three month inappropriate relationship. Eventually the elders found out about it, and I was asked to leave the church immediately. Within a few months the pastor was asked to resign his position, and he and his family moved to another state.

After I left the church I confessed the whole ugly situation to my husband. To say he was disappointed would be an understatement. Jeff was understandably hurt and angry, but he forgave me. And ultimately, he took great comfort in the knowledge that nothing had happened physically between the pastor and me.

The Turning Point

Honesty and transparency marked the beginning of the restoration of my marriage. During the first few weeks of the rebuilding process I spent much time in prayer; repentance, a cry for renewal, and the revitalization of my marriage were predominate in my conversations with God.

It was during these weeks of prayer that I had what can only be described as a “supernatural curtain pull.” Like the old game show Let’s Make a Deal, God pulled back the curtain of my dulled and wounded emotions with a flourish and said “Ta Da! Look who you married!”

And I saw it! I saw an honorable man, an intelligent man, a caring and steady man. It was at that point in my life that I began to actively revel in the man that was mine alone.

It’s Your Turn

Now it’s your opportunity to take notice of the unique and extraordinary gift that is right in front of your eyes. This revelation does not come after your husband loses forty-five pounds, or your wife goes through extensive therapy, or your mate agrees to buy that new home you’ve been hoping for.

Instead, it comes when the Lord shows you just who you are married to. Our spouses may not be perfect, but with very few exceptions, most of them have worthy qualities just waiting to be noticed and esteemed. Each is a prize in his or her own right!

Maybe as you sit reading this article, your “prize” is drooling and dreaming in his La-Z-Boy chair. Or perhaps she’s nursing the baby in two-day old clothing that smells of “spit up”.

Whatever the particular circumstances surrounding you and your mate, now is the time to ask God to wow you with a curtain pull. And to that end, let’s discuss two key ways in which you can position yourself to receive this “marriage enhancing” revelation.

• Key 1: Loving Actions Produce Loving Feelings

Feelings follow actions, not the other way around. All too often, we plan to act a certain way once we genuinely feel that way. We say things like, “As soon as my wife starts doing the things I’ve asked her to do, I’ll be more loving.” Or, “If my husband would only stop irritating me, I’d be a nicer wife!”

But the truth is our feelings will follow the actions we take. We’ll feel more loving after we begin to act more loving. Our eyes will be opened to our husband or wife’s superior qualities as we begin to actively notice and esteem them.

When I teach this principle at women’s retreats, I’m occasionally approached by women who say something like, “Paula, I’m not going to act all lovey-dovey with my husband if I’m not feeling it!”

But to believe that you cannot act a certain way until you genuinely, fully, and resolutely feel that way is incorrect, and it allows your emotions to dictate the course of your marriage.

And more importantly, it will impede that “curtain pull” you’re hoping for. An important first step in facilitating a new outlook and perspective on your mate is by continually choosing to take loving and nurturing actions toward him or her.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not talking about pretending to be an ever smiling, perfectly coiffed, Stepford-spouse who never discusses anything negative with their mate. On the contrary, communication is of prime importance in marriage.

What I am saying is that ultimately we are in charge of our own emotions, and we can choose just how we will act. Our fragile, frenzied feelings aren’t in charge. The godly person inside of us — the one who desires to honor God with our lives and marriages —that’s who’s in charge!

• Key 2: Learn to Overlook Your Spouses Faults

When it comes to overlooking your husband or wife’s faults I’m not suggesting overlooking addiction, abuse, or neglect. I’m talking about overlooking those annoying little personality quirks that seemed tolerable when you and your spouse were first dating.

Maybe your wife is a pack rat, saving every toy the kids ever played with — for sentimental reasons. Or your husband’s a neat freak, and you have three kids in a house that will never be picked up to his standards. Does he talk with his mouth full — does she pick her teeth in public — perhaps he laughs too loudly at social gatherings?

Whatever his or her particular foibles, they need to be overlooked if you want to live in peace with your spouse.

It’s true that marriage can be challenging at times — but it also can be fulfilling, comforting, and joyous. If we want to enjoy our marriages, and experience our own “Ta Da!” moments, it’s important to keep our sense of humor intact and our minds focused on our mate’s good qualities.

Overlooking another’s faults means to literally “look over the top of the faults” to see the person you love standing on the other side. You love your spouse. You don’t love their faults —but you do love them?

So what about it? Are you ready for your own curtain pull? You better brace yourself — it’s gonna be good! In fact, maybe you ought to sit down for this. Get ready now – are you ready? Okay then, here it comes:

Ta-da! Look who you married!

The above article was excerpted from the book, The Man You’ve Always Wanted is the One You Already Have, written by Paula Friedrichsen Preview or Purchase This Book Now.

This book gives candid revelations about the inappropriate relationship that nearly destroyed the author’s marriage and will help you see that no man compares to the one you already have. In this book you will discover how to: Embrace the differences between you and your spouse, revel in the freedom of forgiveness, and draw near to the only true Source of lasting fulfillment.

The author Paula Friedrichsen is also a conference speaker as well as an author.  She lives with her husband and daughter in Northern California. You can contact Paula on her web site at www.PFMinistries.com.

The above article was used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

“Wise people store up choice things but a foolish person consumes everything he has” (Proverbs 21:20). Ever wonder how people who seemed not to have much end up with significant amounts of money when they need it?

“He who gathers money little by little makes it grow” (Proverbs 13:11). Some of the harshest words Jesus spoke were about the “wicked” servant who didn’t put the master’s money in the bank so it would earn interest (see: Matthew 25:27).

“We spend everything we earn (and more) and then complain how unfair it is when we can’t make it through a rainy day. Here’s a 2,000 year old news flash… It’s gonna rain! Are you ready for a stormy year?”(Glen Williams, EHF, Web-church.com)

The Bible says that “it rains on the just and the unjust” so we can count on the fact that we will encounter storms at times. And when the storms come, we can also lose a lot in the process. That’s when we can encounter financial problems and sometimes our relationship with each other is compromised to the point that one or both spouses believes divorce is the only way to solve things.

But there is a better way —a way in which God would be more pleased. As financial expert Dave Ramsey says,

“There’s a joke that says ‘Marriage is grand, but divorce is 50 grand’ (which means that divorce is multiple times more expensive than people realize in many, many ways). If you can’t make it financially together, you’re going to have a real hard time making it apart.

“What I tell couples is that the enemy is out there —hang onto each other and work through these problems together, rather than separately.” (Dave Ramsey, quoted from the August 3, 2009 program of the 700 Club)

But how do you work together to deal with situations which cause financial and relationship chaos? First off, BE PREPARED. The Bible talks about being wise in building your home upon the foundation of Christ and His principles for living. Jesus stated,

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.” (Matthew 7:24-25)

To help you to wisely prepare and/or deal with financial trouble when a “storm” hits, there are three web site links to insightful articles provided below. Within these articles, you can learn ways to get through times of crisis and also learn how to better build your future financial house on a more solid footing.

One article is written by Dennis Rainey and is posted on the web site for the ministry of Family Life Today, another is written by Deborah McNauton, and is posted on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine. And the last one is written by Mary Hunt and is posted on the web site for Crosswalk. Click onto the links below to read:

• HOW DO WE DEAL WITH FINANCIAL TROUBLE?

• SURVIVING FINANCIAL CRISIS

• RECOGNIZING CRITICAL FINANCIAL DECISION POINTS
  

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Before you marry, you concentrate on the many things you have in common. But after you’ve been married for a while and your life gets busy with all it takes to maintain a household … WOW! You can sure see how very different you both approach life!

It can easily get to the point where eventually your differences overshadow all or most of your commonalities.

But what is that all about… why are we so different? Well, there are many reasons — a few of them are because:

• We were raised in different homes with different parents and siblings, maybe even different cultural influences were involved.

• We were influenced by different friends and life experiences. No two people go down exactly the same path in life and those experiences and people influence how we approach life.

• Our different educational, church, and personal experiences with God, all have a big influence on that which we value and decide is important to us.

• Because of our earlier experiences, we’ve formed different expectations concerning how we approach situations. Many of them, we didn’t even realize we held until something or someone (like our spouse) bumps into them and they come to the surface.

• We have been created uniquely different by God with different temperaments and DNA (which influences us as well).

• We have hormone and testosterone differences that influence us daily (and sometimes minute-by-minute).

The list can go on and on … and THEN there are our gender differences that influence how we approach life! We don’t even realize how much that can change the way we interact in various situations in life!

When we enter into the everyday pressures of life as husband and wife, all of these differences really start to come to the surface — BIG TIME — especially in how we approach communication! We can’t live on a bio-chemical high forever (please click onto the article to read “We’ve Got Chemistry” to explain this further).  Eventually (if we are good-hearted people) we will need to deal with reality of who we are and how we can make our partnership grow in love within our marriage.

So what do we do when our many differences blare out at us and cause so much confusion and anxiety?

That’s when we grow up. After-all, marriage isn’t for the faint of heart or for children. We have made a grown-up commitment and we need to learn how to live up to our commitment with each other maturely in the sight, and with the help, of God!

As the Apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13 (the Love Chapter), “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I [grew up] I put childish ways behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11). That’s great reasoning for all of us to apply!

When we grab onto the reality of the maturity it takes to make our love and marriage work, that’s when we become students of each other and students of marriage. And that’s when we ask God to help us to learn how to use our differences to work for us, much as God points out in the Bible that the different parts of the body are to work together. (See:1 Corinthians 12:12-26.)

In studying each other and in studying marriage and asking God for wisdom, we can become a better marital team. (And even if you don’t have a spouse that will cooperate in acting as part of a marital team, you can gain much wisdom and help by studying and applying what God teaches you along the way.) Because:

“Once you understand why your husband acts that way, or why your wife thinks that way, it can change how you feel about him or her, though nothing has really changed. Compassion will come with an accompanying perseverance —all because you now understand. I cannot overstate the importance of understanding.” (Pastor Mark Gungor, from article “The Power of Understanding” posted on Laughyourway.com)

Studying your spouse and the differences that your background influences and your gender differences makes in your approach to life and communication, can help the way you understand and perceive your spouse’s actions (and non-actions). Philip J. Swihart, one of the authors of the book “The First Five Years of Marriage” (Preview or purchase this book now) puts it this way:

“It’s possible that the communication gender gap lies in how messages are perceived. But the style and content of the messages themselves differ, too. Men tend to use language to transmit information, report facts, fix problems, clarify status, and establish control. Women are more likely to view language as a means to greater intimacy, stronger or richer relationships, and fostering cooperation rather than competition. In other words, it’s ‘debate vs. relate.’

“That means you and your spouse may be tuned in to very different ‘meanings’ in what each of you is saying. This provides fertile ground for misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and conflict. What one of you thinks is the other’s ‘hidden meaning’ can be 180 degrees out of phase with what the speaker really intends to communicate. This can easily lead to distorted conclusions about the other person’s motivations.

So to help you to better understand each other and how your many differences play into the way you communicate with each other, we have found several articles posted on different web sites to help you. We pray they will assist you in building communication bridges once you better understand each other.

Please keep in mind that sometimes the communication roles will be reversed —we get that! And if that is true, then accept it that way and go from there. But for the most part, you will probably find the following articles true to a great deal of your situation in your gender differences. Just glean the advice you can use and don’t use the rest, asking God for wisdom.

To read these articles, please click onto the web site links provided below:

• YOU’RE NOT WRONG, JUST DIFFERENT

• COMMUNICATION BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

• LET’S TALK: Communication Differences Between Men and Women

• MEN ARE COMPUTERS, WOMEN ARE CELL PHONES

And for something on the lighter side (figuring that laughter is the “best medicine” to help you cope with your differences), please click onto the web site link below to read:

• JOKES: Differences Between Men and Women

If you have seen it (or you are going to watch it), the following questions and “Personal Points to Ponder” are provided to help you and your spouse discuss what you have experienced from the movie:

• Caleb and Catherine obviously had a lot of problems to work through in their marriage. Do you think their problems were “unique” to them or do you think they are pretty universally experienced — even with Christians? Explain.

• Who was more at “fault” for the near failure of their marriage — Caleb or Catherine? Explain.

Co-writer/director Alex Kendrick says the old adage “Never leave your partner behind” has “significance to non-firefighters” as well. In a television interview aired September 25, 2008 on the Dr Phil Show (www.drphil.com) he said,

“You know, it’s now national policy for firefighters: two in, two out. If you go to a fire, you stay with your partner, you go in and you come out, and that applies to marriage as well. You’re going to go through fire. The meaning of Fireproof is not that fire will never come, but when it comes, you can withstand it. And the only way to do that is to purposefully stay together, to have a higher standard than living just for yourself, but in meeting the other person’s needs.”

• Think of one thing that impressed you or that you learned from this movie that could help you to meet your spouse’s needs and improve your marriage relationship? Share what it is and how you think you can implement it.

• What was it about the “Love Dare” that impressed you?

In the movie, there is a scene where Caleb and his wife Catherine are involved in an explosive argument about being disrespected. Dr Phil asked Kirk Cameron, who played Caleb, if that was a hard scene for him to do. He replied,

“That was difficult, yeah. I’ve always said to myself, ‘You don’t go there. You’re not going to go there. You don’t just turn into an ugly beast on the person whom you love most. But I know that that is all too real for a lot of people because it just wells up and it comes out like a volcano.”

• How did this scene affect you? Could you identify with this level of friction?

Dennis Rainey, host of the radio program, “Family Life Today” www.familylife.com, said the following (during a 3 day broadcast aired September 24, 25, 26, 2008) concerning the above mentioned scene in the movie,

“I wonder if this is not going to be used by God for a man to be exposed to his own behavior in like a mirror, where physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse is happening. He’s going to finally see how disrespectful and how demeaning it is to a woman.”

To that, producer Stephen Kendrick replied,

“It’s interesting, Dennis, you used the word ‘mirror,’ because I believe that God uses a spouse to be like a mirror to us, and He will reveal to us how selfish we are, how greedy we can be, and how we’ll claim our own rights. There’s nothing like a wife to reveal to her husband his real nature.”

“You know, if the people who respect him at work lived with him and had to be in that kind of relationship with him, they may realize who he is. But a spouse brings it out of us. And God did that on purpose, because a marriage relationship is supposed to really be a discipleship to the Lord to form us into the image of Christ. If we’ll see it that way rather than resisting this person, we’ll say, ‘God, you’re revealing things that are not like Jesus that are in me that need to be dealt with so that I can more like Him.’”

• What are your thoughts on what Dennis and then Stephen said about God using marriage as a “mirror” to reveal our “real nature”?

PERSONAL POINTS TO PONDER: Have you experienced anger with your spouse that “wells up and comes out like a volcano?” After (and if) it “wells up”, have you given yourself permission to “go there” — to say things in such a manner that has turned you “into an ugly beast on the person whom you love the most?”

If so, we encourage you to pray together, asking the Lord to help you work through your future times of conflict. You may do this through talking together once, twice, or several times until you both feel you have figured out how to make your times of disagreements less explosive and disrespectful.

We have numerous articles and “tools” to help you in this journey posted and linked to, on our web site. You may even need a pastor, mentor couple, or counselor help you work through these issues until you BOTH feel you can resolve conflict in healthy ways. You CAN do this, and we encourage to do so.

On the Dr Phil program mentioned above, Dr Phil asked Executive Producer Michael Catt, “Is forgiveness and unconditional love a real message in this movie?” To that Michael replied,

“Oh, absolutely. I think people give up. One of the messages is that she’s getting bad counsel. All of her friends are saying, ‘Get a divorce.’ He’s getting good counsel to love and to forgive. I think who we listen to affects how we look at our marriage. We’re influenced by the voices around us, and we need to pay attention to the people who are telling us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear.”

• Each of you reflect and ask yourselves personally: Do I need to make changes in whom or what I listen to? Explain to your marriage partner what the Lord is impressing upon your heart.

• Think of one couple you know that really needs to see this movie. What can you do to get them to see it? (Suggestions: Pray for them; invite them to “double-date” with you to go see it; maybe offer to baby sit their kids so they can go out alone. Then, after they see it, give them a copy of these questions to go through them as a couple.)

TO PREVIEW OR PURCHASE THE BOOK, which was featured in the movie, please click onto the link provided below:

The LOVE DARE

A few additional resources that you may GREATLY benefit from obtaining are:

• FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE Couple’s Kit
Preview or Purchase This Product.

• FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE Leader’s Kit with Books and DVD
Preview or Purchase This Product.

• FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE Participants Guide
Preview or Purchase This Book.

For more discussion questions,
please click onto the following web site link below:

FIREPROOF DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

There is also a series of Marriage Sermons and Marriage Illustrations that could possibly help you as you reach out to improve your marriage. To see what they offer, please click onto the link provided below:

FIREPROOF SERMONS AND ILLUSTRATIONS

To listen to, or read the transcripts for the Family Life Today 3 part radio interview series titled, “Making Movies for God’s Glory” conducted by Dennis Rainey and the writers, producer, and Kirk Cameron, please click onto the links provided below:

• LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION

• NEVER LEAVE YOUR PARTNER BEHIND?

• ENTERTAINMENT WITH A MESSAGE

Also, below you will find a link to the great web site for the Association of Marriage and Family Ministries (AMFM). This website has been created for you as an individual or couple to journal your 40 Day Love Dare^TM experience. On this site you can write your own personal entries capturing your experiences (totally private), and have access to their general blog. You can also use the message board to ask questions and interact with others on the journey.

To take advantage of this opportunity, please click onto the link provided below:

40 DAY LOVE DARE

There are additional blogs you can read, centering on this movie, that are posted on the web site: www.fireproofthemovie.com. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

FIREPROOF BLOGS

“For most people, doubts begin with tiny hints, fleeting thoughts. ‘I wonder what my life would have been like if I had married my old boyfriend? I bet he wouldn’t take me for granted like my husband does!’ Sometimes these good feelings are simply neutralized, replaced by numbness. Sometimes they are malignantly transformed like healthy cells transmogrified into cancer cells, from feelings of love into feelings of contempt, distrust, and despair.”

“…There’s no more respect and trust between you. You can’t communicate. You’re always angry. You’re bored. You’re numb. You’re constantly on the defensive. Doubt can quickly turn into panic. ‘Time is passing — will my entire life be wasted because I made the wrong choice.?’ Panic is often accompanied by depression. The future looks hopeless. Nothing fits. Nothing makes sense. Nothing can be counted on anymore.

“…You may be at a place in your life where you’ve concluded that despite your good intentions, despite all of your hopes and dreams, despite what seemed like the right choice at the time, you married the wrong person. If this is your situation, you may have three choices of how to proceed: you can get divorced. You can force yourself to stay in the marriage despite the pain, or you can consider the possibility that, instead of marrying the wrong person, you created the wrong marriage, and you can take steps to forge a new marriage to the same person.” (Richard Matteson, Janis Long, from the book, What if I Married the Wrong Person)

We’re praying that if the above scenario is what you’re living through, you will make the choice to “forge a new marriage to the same person.” No one would ever testify that this would be easy. But God, whose very name means LOVE can teach you how to love the one you married. And making the DECISION to participate with God in this is a huge part of the mission.

“The world says, ‘If it feels good, do it. And when it doesn’t feel good anymore, leave.” God says, ‘I have made a covenant with you, and you have made a covenant with one another. I will give you what you need to keep that covenant.’ And our wedding rings stand as a symbol of that promise to one another before God.” (Marlene Bagnull, from the book: For Better, For Worse)

As you look at your wedding ring, use it as an inspiration realizing that God will never tell you it will be easy to do what it takes to “fall” in love with your spouse, but with God helping you, “all things are possible.” It will take intentionality and the continual decision to make choices to choose love over “what may come naturally” until prayerfully your feelings catch up with your actions. As one author said,

“Love is not easy or simple. It is an art that I must want to learn and pour my life into. This principle corrects a common misconception, that is easy to love, requiring neither thought nor effort. In other words, that is just a matter of doing what comes naturally!

“The fact is that love is costly. It requires much from the lover even when the giving is pure joy. If you do what comes naturally you will be wrong almost every time. Again, the Bible has the information we need on how to love. The most concentrated lessons on the art of loving your mate can be found in the Song of Solomon.

“Love is an active power that I can control by my own will. I am not the helpless slave of love. We are barraged by propaganda suggesting that love is an uncontrollable feeling that comes and goes like a wayward sparrow. Most of the boy-meets-girl plots of films and television are based on the premise that love is a feeling that just happens. Or else it doesn’t happen.

“The truth is that love is an active power that you were meant to control by your own will. You can choose to love; you can do what is necessary to restore love to your marriage; and you can refuse to be enslaved by passing emotions.

“…Most people consider feeling to be of supreme importance. But the truth is that reason —what you think about love —is what controls your behavior. The desired feelings come as a result of right thinking and right actions.” (Dr Ed Wheat with Glora Okes Perkins, from the book, The Healthy Marriage Handbook by Marriage Partnership Magazine)

But how do you cause yourself to “fall in love” after you’ve made the decision to do what it takes to first love by actions? What do you do?

If you thought this would be an article that would give you 10 points to make that happen and you could do what it says, and all of a sudden — you fall in love, we’re sorry to say this isn’t what we can give you. Our intention is to help to motivate you to START the mission of “putting the heart of Christ” into your marriage — to love by “word and deed” that the Bible talks about.

What we’ve learned (by experience in our own once “broken” marriage and observing others who also walked this journey) is that the principles for loving are the principles for living as outlined and talked about throughout the Bible. As you apply God’s principles, and you prayerfully live by the guidance of the Holy Spirit — our “Wonderful Counselor” HE will teach you how to love your spouse in an individual way, such as you never would have known before.

Also, to help you a bit more we’re including in this article several links to articles posted on different web sites that might help you. Cindy Wilson (as told by Simon Presland) relates her own story where she says that not only did she come to believe that they never loved each other, she realized that they “never even liked each other.” But eventually God helped them to create a love together that they never thought they could have. Their seeming incompatibility didn’t stop this from happening.

Also, author Nancy Kennedy testifies in her article that she and her husband agreed that they “never should have married.” But in her article she explains “what we did about it.”

And then finally, Brett Williams, who is a Marriage/Family Therapist and author, explains how it takes more than casual dating one another as husband and wife to fall in love with each other again and stay in love.

To visit the web sites where these testimonials and articles are posted and read them what they have to say, click onto the links provided below:

• We Never Loved Each Other

• Did We Make a Mistake?

• I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

And when the away spouse returns, the stay-at-home spouse many times has expectations for them to immediately pitch in and help, and/or give them a break from being with the children for a while, and/or talk and talk and talk, etc. It can put a real strain on a marital relationship because the other spouse has their own expectations. And having to fulfill a “to do” list isn’t usually one of them!

There ARE some marriages that can do well under these circumstances, but they seem to be those who purpose to work this situation out with a team spirit and intentionality. A lot of times they have some kind of game plan functioning for them which makes the best of this situation. But from what we’ve seen, these marriages are rare.

The important thing is that if you want to have a good marriage and not just one that barely functions under these circumstances, you need to make the effort to do that which will make sure “absence really does make your heart grow fonder.”

So, to help you in this mission, we are providing below several links to web site articles that we believe you will benefit from reading. The first one is written by Ellie Kay and is posted on the web site for the publication, Marriage Partnership Magazine.

To read this article, please click onto the following link:

• STAYING CONNECTED WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS AWAY

-ALSO-

A series of articles put together by the ministry of Focus on the Family deal with this same subject. To begin reading, please click onto the link below:

• DEALING WITH PHYSICAL DISTANCE IN MARRIAGE

—ALSO—

The ministry of Family Life Today put together a 3-day radio broadcast with Dennis Rainey, who talks with Sam and Toni Gallucci, on the subject of being a “Road Warrior.”

Whether you are an executive who feels you have to be away from home at certain times because your career demands it, or you simply feel you have to work a job in another city away from your family, this series of broadcasts can be helpful for you and your spouse. We hope you will glean from the information given to make whatever you can work for your marriage.

To read the transcripts or to listen to them on your computer, please click onto the links provided below:

•  THE ROAD AS A ROMANCE

•  HAZARDS OF THE ROAD

• ON THE HIGHWAY TO HEALING

When you’re done reading the above article:

You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

Nowhere is the challenge of those differences more evident than in the sexual relationship. I recently read a few suggestions about those differences that I’d like to share with you.

How to Impress a Woman

Wine her
Dine her
Hug her
Support her
Hold her
Surprise her
Compliment her
Smile at her
Listen to her
Laugh with her
Cry with her
Romance her
Encourage her
Believe in her
Pray with her
Pray for her
Cuddle with her
Shop with her
Give her jewelry
Buy her flowers
Hold her hand
Write love letters to her
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her

How to Impress a Man

Show up naked
Bring chicken wings
Don’t block the TV

It’s a joke, of course, but there’s a kernel of truth at the center. This tongue-in-cheek list captures the fact that men and women are very different in their sexuality.

Sex was designed by our Creator to be a tremendous blessing in the marriage relationship, but it can also be a source of great tension. Many people marry because of sex; and just as many get divorced because of it.

…The challenge, as our humorous lists illustrate, is that men and women have very divergent sexual needs. …We differ in nature, intensity and timing. Throughout marriage, our respective sexual needs will ebb and flow. Rarely will they synchronize. Thus, couples will avoid a lot of misdirected energy and frustration by understanding that few, if any, husbands and wives have the same sexual needs.

Our general example of this is the fact that men peak sexually in their late teens and early twenties. Women, however, tend to reach their sexual peak in their late thirties or early forties. (Why did God engineer this difference? Probably so that we could have a few years of getting some real work done!)

Men are visually stimulated —they want to “see” their wives. Women are more stimulated when their emotional needs have been met. That’s not to say that women are blind to their husbands’ bodies; but they’re not nearly as visually oriented. (This has led to many a “lights on” versus “lights off” controversy in the bedroom.)

There are other differences. Men can get aroused quite quickly. They don’t have to have much foreplay, or even forethought, to be ready for sex. But for women, the turn-on to sex is very gradual. Marriage counselor and author Gary Smalley says that in the world of sex, “men are microwave ovens and women are crock pots.” It’s true. Women have to warm up to the idea of sex —and it takes awhile.

A man can compartmentalize the sexual experience. He can block everything else out. He could have just had the worst day of his life and been told that tomorrow is Armageddon, and still enjoy sex right now. That’s because to him, sex is just another compartment of his life. Not to a woman. A woman is inclusive in her nature. Everything that happens to her is connected to her sexuality. What her husband said to her leaving for work that morning, her interactions with the kids and/or her parents, and the overall condition of their finances is all connected to her sexual responsiveness.

Here’s another difference: For a man, sex is a primary need. For a woman, sex is secondary at best. In one study in which men and women were asked to rank how important sex was to them, sex consistently ranked 1,2 or 3 to men. Women, on average, ranked sex in the number 13 slot —right behind “gardening together,” which came in at number 12. That’s right, in the average woman’s hierarchy of things to do with her husband, sex takes a backseat to pulling weeds.

There are more differences. But the ones I’ve mentioned are enough to make the point: Men and women are different in nature and in need when it comes to sex.

Don’t Base Sex on Mutual Desire
With such wide-ranging differences in priority, intensity and timing, it’s clear that we must base our sexual fulfillment on something more than mutual desire. If we’re always waiting for our spouse to have the same sexual needs at the same time we do, we’re going to spend a lot of time waiting. Rarely are we going to have the same needs at the same time.

For that reason, there must be a spirit of servanthood in the marriage relationship. This was no secret in the first paradise. Sex was God’s idea. Adam and Eve were wired for ultimate sexual fulfillment. They could have had the ultimate sex, because God created them to serve Him and serve each other. They were helpmates in the Garden.

But they sinned and lost the paradise of their marriage. Do you remember that one of their first responses when sin came into their relationship was to cover themselves with fig leaves? Their sexuality was separated, withheld from each other, the moment they sinned, because the essence of the sin of mankind is to reject servanthood to God and others.

Servants Live to Please
Sin has made serving one another seem much more complicated than it really is. That was evident when a lawyer, who was testing Jesus, asked, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” (See: Matthew 22:36).

Jesus answered, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 22:37-40).

The two greatest commandments are a response to man’s greatest needs —to serve God and to serve other people. Serving others is the essence of why we were created. That’s why many servants are much happier than their masters —they live to please another person, not to please themselves. This is the way man is designed. It’s why government employees —from the police officer to the president —are called public servants. It’s why a successful employee seeks ways to help serve the vision and goals of the business he works for. And it’s why business owners succeed not by hard work alone but by making sure their businesses serve the needs of their customers.

If your goal is to please other people, you can do that all day long and be successful at it. But if you live to please yourself, you have taken on an impossible task. Like a dog chasing its tail, self-satisfaction is impossible to find when that is what you live for.

Man was created to serve. All fulfillment in life comes from being a servant. …The world’s way is to be served; God’s way is to serve. The world’s way teaches us to focus on our own needs; God’s way teaches us to focus on other people’s needs. Nowhere is this principle of servanthood more at work than within the marriage relationship.

The above article comes from the book, Our Secret Paradise by Jimmy Evans, published by Regal Books. “You will find that Jimmy and Karen bring their hearts and their experiences to every page. This book is biblical, practical and full of rich illustrations of the Evans’s home and marriage. They are open about their own hearts and their experiences, not painting a picture of perfection but rather one of being sold out to help marriages grow that are on their watch.

“The seven secrets —the foundational principles to a better marriage —will give you hope. If you are single and discouraged about the potential for a healthy biblical marriage, Jimmy and Karen will paint a picture of what it takes to have a great marriage and encourage you to seek God’s best for yourself. If you are currently married and struggling, this book will give you a road map so that you can make mid course corrections to recapture your own paradise.”

-ALSO-

An additional article you may find helpful on this subject is found on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• I’M NOT AGGRESSIVE ENOUGH

So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:

“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Today, men are not made to ride backward on donkeys, but they are still considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘Taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!

“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”

We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help — especially in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of letters from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive and sometimes very violent behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t hit or abuse back, but they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.

We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles and web site postings, written on this subject to help them. But there seems to be very, very little help available.

Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers are less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is still wrong no matter who is the one who is victimizing the other.

Maxine Marz wrote an article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” (Metronews.ca, August 31, 2004), and she had the following to say on this subject:

“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless still very hurtful because, in addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their abusive spouse turns to using their children to assert her control over them and their relationship.

“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.

“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women from their abusive husbands or partners. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security and to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”

To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope that it will not only give voice to their dilemma, but will also help husbands to better protect themselves and put up proper boundaries in the ways that they should.

The first article provided below is a testimony given by a husband who is a victim of domestic abuse which can be found on the web site for Troubledwith.com. Please click onto the link below to read:

•  VICTIM

This next article is one where battered men (of various walks in life —both those who are followers of Christ and those who are not) share their life experiences. To read what they have written, please click onto the link provided below:

•  ABUSED MEN SPEAK OUT

The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites, so please be aware of that. However, we believe they still give good insights and provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good — that which lines up with Biblical standards, and throw away that which doesn’t apply to your situation and that which the Lord shows you NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.

Please click onto the links provided below to read:

•  MY SPOUSE HITS ME – Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?

• WHY MEN IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS REMAIN SILENT

•  HUSBAND ABUSE

•  HELP FOR BATTERED MEN

We also want to remind husbands to read the other articles that are provided on this web site in the “Abuse in Marriage” section. We recognize that they mostly address wives, but we encourage you to ask God to show you how you can apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God will show you what advice you can and what you won’t be able to use. As your “Wonderful Counselor” the Holy Spirit will reveal to you how to adapt different advice to your particular situation.

Security is More Than Finances

Although security is a very broad term and general in meaning, nevertheless, it is a woman’s greatest need. Whether a woman is growing up with her parents or living with her husband, she has the genuine need to be secure. A woman needs to know she is safe and well provided for in every aspect.

A wife’s basic need for security is satisfied by adequate protection and provision given by God through her husband. The husband must communicate four things to his wife to satisfy her need for security.

1. He Must Communicate That He Cares for His Wife Above Anyone or Anything Except God. When a woman senses her husband is preoccupied or detached from her in some way, she will immediately feel insecure. She wants to know her husband is tuned in to her needs and concerns. A woman can discern instinctively if her husband truly is caring for her properly.

The best way a husband can determine if he is caring for his wife properly is simply to ask her, “Honey, do you feel like I’m caring for you properly? Do you feel provided for and protected?”

If she says yes, he can know he is meeting her needs, but if she says no, then he should listen carefully as she explains why not. Most men are not preoccupied with trying to “get my wife off my back” and keep her from demanding too much, rather than being totally committed to meeting her needs, regardless of the cost.

A woman learns to recognize when a man is not really committed to caring for her. Her situation is similar to the man who has a selfish and greedy boss. All men want to get the most they can out of employment, and their employer holds the keys. If they work for a selfless and generous employer, they feel secure and optimistic. If they have a boss who is distracted, overly demanding, or selfish, they lose a sense of security and joy.

Your wife’s well-being and prosperity are greatly dependent upon you. She is very sensitive to your actions and attitudes for good reason. You need to understand and accept this. Consider what it would be like for a sensitive, caring employer to come up to you tomorrow and say, “You know, I’ve really been thinking about your lately. I wonder if there is anything I can provide for you to make your job more enjoyable. Also, am I paying you enough?”

That would be any employed person’s dream. Well, every woman’s dream is to have a husband who will manifest this same attitude. Regularly communicate to your wife that you are available and desire to meet her needs. Then, care for her. You will be pleasantly surprised by how well your wife responds to her new atmosphere of security.

A man often fears what his wife will do when he makes himself totally available to meet her needs. That is the last thing to fear. You simply cannot imagine what a woman will do for her man if he will envelope her in an atmosphere of total security by laying down his selfish ways to meet her needs.

Again, think about your employer. Wouldn’t you do more and sacrifice more for a boss who served you and cared for you sacrificially? Or do you think you would lounge around the workplace while ordering your boss around and abusing him?

Simply because you have become humble and have committed yourself to meeting your wife’s needs doesn’t mean you lose your authority or manhood. True and lasting authority is built, not broken, upon the foundation of sacrificial servanthood. It is leadership by example, not ego.

2. A Husband Must Communicate His Admiration and Love for His Wife. A woman can never hear too often how pretty she is or how much her husband loves her. A woman blossoms fully in an atmosphere of praise and adoration, but she wilts and dies in the presence of perpetual silence or criticism.

Although a man must speak at times some words of correction or displeasure to his wife, these words must come from a source the woman knows is supportive and friendly. When you praise your wife and convince her of your love in real ways, you have then earned the right to also correct her. However, if all you do is point out her flaws and bad point, your wife will become insecure and bitter.

Every woman is the reflection of her husband. Women reflect in their faces, attitudes and appearances how they feel about their husbands and their environments. When a man creates an atmosphere of praise and respect for his wife, it makes a noticeable difference in everything she does. She radiates and reflects love and respect from every area of her life.

When a man constantly criticizes his wife or makes her dig for shallow compliments, she will reflect her insecurity. Women naturally gravitate to people and places where they will receive compliments about themselves. Men do, also. For a woman to have to go outside her home to receive praise is an indictment on her husband. What often comes next is even more serious.

I (Jimmy) have counseled many married couples who have had affairs. Sometimes it is the man, and sometimes it is the woman. Although affairs are always sinful and devastating to a marriage, you need to understand what tempts a woman to have an affair. It isn’t sex. Women have affairs because they meet a man who will talk to them and make them feel special.

Women are turned on by men who compliment them and make them feel good about themselves. The best insurance a husband can possibly have that his wife will never have an affair is an atmosphere of praise and encouragement that he creates in which she can live. If he will do this, his wife will be drawn to him, and she will not be hungry for love when someone else comes along offering compliments and affection.

If he does not, although she may not participate in an affair, her hunger for love will cause her to wrestle with unnecessary temptations and fantasies. Here are some simple rules for praising your wife:

• Be sincere. Say good things you really mean, and say them a lot.

• Say something about every area of her life. Do not just concentrate on physical things, although she needs you to physically affirm her often. Compliment her mind, her heart, her character, her motherhood, her cooking and so forth. Let her know that you are totally proud of her.

• Never use sarcasm. Never compliment your wife in a backhanded manner. It isn’t cute; it will damage her spirit. For example, don’t say, “Hey, you have a great body —under all that fat!”

• Earn your words of correction. For every one thing you correct or confront, give numerous compliments.

• Praise your wife every day and never stop. Send cards, flowers, love letters, anything that will communicate your love and respect.

3. A Husband Must Communicate His Faithfulness. Whistling at pretty girls walking down the street is understandable for teenage boys, but it is inexcusable for a married man. Jesus said that if a man even looks upon a woman with desire for her in his heart, it is the same as adultery. Adultery is not simply a physical act; it is an attitude.

Many men have never slept with a woman outside of marriage; nevertheless, they may carry a spirit of unfaithfulness. Women can pick up on this immediately, and it makes them insecure. A man’s heart must remain faithful, not just when his wife is present, but also when she is absent. You need to communicate regularly to your wife that she is the only one you desire. You must convince her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you.

Unfaithfulness also is communicated by comparing your wife with other women. This is the kiss of death. Whenever you compare your wife’s anatomy, behavior, intelligence or cooking to those of another woman —especially your mother —you have made a big mistake. The only time to compare your wife with another woman is when you are complimenting her.

Another no-no is to habitually watch other women through magazines, television shows, movies or real life. Although you may think it is harmless, it isn’t. It’s the same as your wife looking at or talking about other men all of the time. It is dishonoring and sinful. In any relationship where one person is out of control in an area, the other person normally will compensate.

Men want their wives to be sexually responsive. Did you know that a dirty movie or other pornographic material is the very worst thing to use in an attempt to make a woman sexually responsive? When a woman feels you are looking at other women or have other problems with unfaithfulness, she will instinctively withdraw from sex to compensate for your problem.

When you demonstrate sexual purity and restraint outside the bedroom, your wife can be free and responsive in the bedroom. Your purity will provide the security she needs to actually blossom.

Also, a husband should never threaten to divorce his wife. Don’t even talk about divorce. Lose the word. Many married people discuss divorce as a threat to get the other spouse’s attention. The only one to profit from such threats is the devil. He loves divorce because it damages God’s creation so terribly. So, when divorce is even a remote possibility in your mind, the devil works overtime to make it a reality. Also, your wife will become insecure if you talk about it, especially if you use it to manipulate or scare her.

4. A Husband must Communicate His Dedication to Provide Financially. Finances are one of the most important areas of security for a woman. A wife needs the assurance that her husband is committed to providing for her financially. A man communicates his commitment to provide financially in four ways:

• Praying for God’s blessing and direction. A woman is tremendously comforted to know her husband is praying and seeking God for financial direction and provision. It also is very helpful when a man leads his wife in prayer when financial pressure comes. If he will, he can avert many problems from occurring in their relationship as well as invoking God’s blessing and provision. The old saying, “The family who prays together stays together,” is true.

• Aggressively seeking the best employment possible. Although we know that God is our provider, it still is important to knock on doors and seek opportunities.

• Being a hard and faithful worker. A wife needs to know her husband is honest, faithful and hard-working. When a man is dishonest, lazy or changes jobs too often, he violates his wife and makes her insecure. Even if it means foregoing some income or benefits, a husband needs to be careful not to sacrifice his wife’s security. This is very important.

• Being a wise money manager. When a husband is a diligent steward of God’s money, his wife feels secure. This is not a license to be stingy or unreasonable tight with money but an opportunity for managing the money and paying the bills. It is extremely important to your wife for you to manage the family’s money and resources wisely.

The above article comes from the book “Marriage on the Rock” written by Jimmy and Karen Evans, published by Regal. There is much more on the subject of “How to Understand and Meet Your Wife’s Needs” that we weren’t able to include in this article, as well as “How to Meet Your Husband’s Needs” and much, much more. As Jimmy wrote, concerning this resource:

“The contents of this book are a result of what God has shown Karen and me about marriage. In this spiritual education process, God healed our marriage and gave us a love for one another far beyond any we had ever known or imagined. Today, after more than 33 years of marriage, not only are we deeply in love, but we also understand how to stay in love. We have learned how to meet one another’s needs as we walk through life’s seasons and challenges.”

“Do you dare release the person you are today from the shadow of the wrong you did yesterday? Do you dare forgive yourself?

“To forgive yourself takes high courage. Who are you, after all, to shake yourself free from the undeniable sins of your private history —as if what you once did has no bearing on who you are now?

“Where do you get the right —let alone the cheek —to forgive yourself when other people would want you to crawl in shame if they really knew? How dare you?” (Lewis B Smedes, from the book “Forgive and Forget”)

Have you felt this way? Sometimes we can accept God’s forgiveness (and even that is hard to understand), but we have a difficult time forgiving ourselves! We play different scenes from our past over and over again in our minds that we wish we were never involved in, and could erase forever from our memories.

If only life were constructed so that we could hit a “delete” button and make certain events go away! But unfortunately, that’s not the real world in which we live.

Just like any act of giving or accepting forgiveness —even forgiving ourselves, it seems that it involves a journey to get to the place where you are free from its imprisonment. Some journey’s are shorter than others and some take a lot of years, and tears, and involve a lot of work, soul-searching, reading, praying, and intentionality to get through and beyond the search.

But for any one of us who has reached that place of peace, we can tell you that it is worth the journey to get to the other side of the restlessness that unforgiveness can dump upon your very being. It can poison your soul and who you become in the future. That may be one of the reasons why God tells us throughout the Bible to forgive.

A few examples from God’s Word are:

• “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15).

• “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

• “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

God also tells us throughout the Bible to admit and confess our sins —the wrongs and iniquities that we have done, and God will forgive us. A few examples are:

• “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9)

• “I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I confess my transgressions to the LORD’ —and you forgave the guilt of my sin” (Psalm 32:5).

• “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

So the question comes to mind that if God has forgiven you, what could be holding you back from extending yourself the gift God has willingly handed to you? A man named Bruce wrote the following concerning that question:

“I heard this advice offered once for someone with that problem: Do you think that you have a higher standard than God? If he has forgiven you and sees you as perfect through the blood of Jesus who are we to say that we are not? If we don’t forgive ourselves, then we are saying we have higher standard than God!”

Are you setting your standards higher than God? It may be a mystery to you as to why God could forgive you after all the wrong you have done. But the Bible says that if you sincerely confess and are sorry, God grants you forgiveness. It is a gift of mercy, and accepting it is an act of obedience and faith. It also gives God the opportunity to display His love in and through you.

“To forgive yourself is to act out the mystery of one person who is both forgiver and forgiven. You judge yourself: this is the division within you. You forgive yourself: this is the healing of the split.

“That you should dare to heal yourself by this simple act is a signal to the world that God’s love is a power within you” (Lewis B Smedes, from the book “Forgive and Forget”).

You can take a lesson from the Apostle Paul (previously named Saul) who zealously persecuted the church and was partly responsible for the death of at least one person, Stephen. (See Acts 7:54-60.) And yet after he came to faith in Christ, he said, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14).

He came to the place in his life where he didn’t dwell on what he did wrong in his past. If he had, he may have been stuck in his life and wouldn’t have had the freedom to do what God wanted to do through someone who was forgiven.

“Paul learned to [release] his own sins after he had confessed them and made things right. We need to learn the same lesson of forgiveness today. All of us encounter potentially devastating experiences. How we respond to these situations determines our own well-being and the well-being of others.

“Forgive and be forgiven. …Keep short accounts with God and men. Don’t lock bitterness and guilt within the closet of your soul. Allow the Holy Spirit to shine His divine spotlight in your heart. Let Him clean out every closet in your soul. Then claim Gods wonderful promise, ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness‘” (1 John 1:9). (From the web site article “Forgive and Forget” written by Luis Palau posted on Crosswalk.com)

The Apostle Paul was able to eventually write,

“I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance; Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners —of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen” (1 Timothy 1:12-17).

The commentary for the “Life Application Bible” says the following about this statement:

“People can feel so guilt-ridden by their past that they think God could never forgive and accept them. But consider Paul’s past. He had scoffed at the teachings of Jesus (”a blasphemer”) and hunted down and murdered God’s people (”a persecutor and violent man”) before coming to faith in Christ (Acts 9:1-9). God forgave Paul and used Paul mightily for his kingdom. No matter how shameful your past. God also can forgive and use you.”

And He will, as you yield to Him. God can make good come out of the bad you hand to Him. Despite your past failures, you are to “press on” in doing that which God wants to do in and through your life. As Paul said, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead”, God will use your failures.

It’s not that you should totally forget the wrong you have done and the pain you have caused in the lives of others, but you aren’t to make it a point to dwell there. If you did forget, you might repeat your failures again in the future and that would make things even worse for all involved.

Accepting God’s forgiveness and forgiving yourself also does not mean that you shouldn’t make restitution, and reimburse or make good for loss or damage that you have caused. That would only be reasonable. But in releasing and forgiving yourself, you are putting your focus on how you can partner with God in helping others in the future —despite your past.

“When God forgives our sin and restores us to a relationship with him, we want to reach out to others who need this forgiveness and reconciliation. The more you have felt God’s forgiveness, the more you will desire to tell others about it” (New Life Application Bible commentary concerning Psalm 51:13).

As King David, who committed adultery and murder cried out to God, we can also pray:

“Search me O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).

The New Life Bible commentary says the following concerning the Psalm of David (Psalm 51) in which he cries out to God over the wrong he had committed:

“David was truly sorry for his adultery with Bathsheba and for murdering her husband to cover it up. He knew that his actions had hurt many people. But because David repented of those sins, God mercifully forgave him. No sin is too great to be forgiven!

“Do you feel that you could never come close to God because you have done something terrible? God can and will forgive you of any sin. While God forgives us, however, he does not always erase the natural consequences of our sin — David’s life and family were never the same as a result of what he had done (see 2 Samuel 12:1-23).”

And even though David’s life and family and Paul’s life and future years were never the same as a result of what they had done, so will your life and the lives of those around you be forever different. But prayerfully with the help and anointing of the Lord, you will be able to bring some good out of the hurt.

It may be a long journey that you will travel to get there, but it will be worth it if you can participate with God in working good out of bad.

To help you further on this road, please click onto the web site links provided below to read:

• SELF-FORGIVENESS …IS IT EVEN REAL?

• HOW TO FORGIVE YOURSELF

• FORGIVING YOURSELF – A BELIEF SYSTEM

And if you are still having a difficult time forgiving yourself, after all you have prayed about and read, it may be helpful for you to read an additional article we have posted on this web site. It’s important for everyone of us who are sinners (which includes every human being) to recognize that the enemy of our faith works overtime to make us feel condemned and stuck in hopelessness. If we remain in that condition we won’t get to the place where we experience being drawn towards God. Instead, we will run away from Him shamed and alone (which is not God’s will).

Rather than condemning us in hopelessness, the Holy Spirit convicts us to draw us towards God, where we confess to Him what we have done wrong to restore fellowship, repent and change our behavior in the present and the future, and reach out beyond our past sin to become “all Christ saved us for and wants us to be.” It is a story of redemption —which is what God is all about.

Condemnation and conviction are two different experiences. To read further, please click onto the link below to read:

• DISCERNING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
THE CONVICTION OF THE HOLY SPIRIT
AND THE CONDEMNATION OF THE ENEMY OF OUR FAITH

Upon all you have learned from these articles, and the ways in which God has spoken to your heart, both now and in the future, you may also want to pray through the following Psalm of David, which he composed when the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba and had her husband killed. May it bring healing and help to your heart as you pray for and confess everything to your Heavenly Father, that comes to mind while you read:

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

“For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

“Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts, you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

“Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

“Create in my a pure heart, O God. and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

“Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Psalm 51:1-17).

If you have additional questions concerning God’s forgiveness please click onto the link provided below to choose to read more, or talk to someone who could address your questions, or email someone who could converse with you in that way. We pray the Lord will minister to your heart and your situation in a very personal and life-changing way.

• NEEDHIM.ORG

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

Likewise, if you stayed at home until every ounce of affection was poured out in all the appropriate places, if you kept giving until every emotional need was met, if you did every chore, finished the “honey do” list, and did everything necessary to ensure that everyone felt loved, you would never make it to work.

In fact, if you are a parent, you know that your kids alone could command every waking hour if you let them. Add to that your fitness goals, hobbies, and friendships. The list is endless and so are the time requirements.

So let me take some pressure off you. Your problem is not discipline. Your problem is not organization. Your problem isn’t that you have yet to stumble onto the perfect schedule. And your problem is not that the folks at home demand too much of your time. The problem is that there just isn’t enough time to get everything done that you’re convinced—or others have convinced you—needs to get done.

As a result, someone or something is not going to get what they want from you—what they need from you—what they deserve from you—certainly not what they expect from you. There isn’t any way around it. There is just not enough time in your day to be all things to all people. You’re going to have to give in somewhere.

Our reaction to this dilemma is to answer the call of “the squeakiest wheel getting the oil.” Whoever creates the biggest mess ends up with the biggest share of our time and attention. We run from fire to fire, troubleshooting our way through life, rescuing the needy and rewarding those who can’t seem to stay out of trouble.

Over time, our families learn that the only way to get our attention is to create a crisis. And let’s face it—it’s amazing how much time we can take away from work when our children are in crisis. Men and women become incredibly bold with their managers, company presidents, and boards when there is a crisis at home. What was once unthinkable becomes non-negotiable.

I know a CEO who spent 29 days with his wife at a Detox Center 600 miles from their home—29 days! Yet over the past three years he has done almost nothing in investing in what he’d tell you is his most important relationship. And if anyone had suggested he take a 29-day vacation in order to invest in his marriage, he would have laughed. But he did—only when he had to.

I know a contractor who almost had to shut down his business to attend to his daughter’s drug addiction. He took her from one rehab center to another, trying to find “the best medical treatment in the country.” This is the same man who could never find the time to complete an entire week of vacation with his family. Suddenly, he has the time.

Wouldn’t you do the same for your wife, your husband and your kids? Of course you would! So why wait? Instead of allowing the most recent crisis to dictate how much time you give your family, why not find a way to let your time and priorities by governed by the greatest purpose?

You’ll find that creating a healthy family environment is difficult because of the selfishness of each family member. Creating a successful career is difficult because of the competition in the marketplace. The struggles related to both of these environments could take up our undivided attention. But we don’t have the luxury of devoting our undivided attention to either since most of us find ourselves with the responsibility of both. So we’re forced to wrestle with the conflicts of home and work.

Clearly we don’t have the luxury of choosing one or the other since both are a permanent part of our lives. Both demand more attention than we have to give. Both originated with our Creator. But still, there’s not enough time to tell to get it all done. We’re going to say “no” somewhere, either verbally or through neglect.

We credit ourselves with good intentions. We know we’re guilty, but since we know we’re guilty, surely the fact that we feel bad about what we’re doing counts for something! As one young husband blurted out to his wife in his own defense, “But honey, you know my heart!” And he was right, she knew his heart. But it wasn’t his heart that had left her feeling left out from his life; it was his schedule.

Good intentions have never accomplished anything. If I run over you with my car, but it was my intention to swerve and miss you, you still have to go to the hospital. Upon hearing of my good intentions, your bones are not suddenly healed. You’re just as injured as before.

I’m going to tell you a secret about each of your family members that they’ll never tell you themselves, primarily because they aren’t aware of it. But it’s true and extremely important for you to know. Do you know what your family wants from you more than anything else?

“Love?” you say. That’s part of it. But it goes deeper than that. They want to feel accepted. In practical terms, they want to feel like they are your priority. “But they are my priority,” you might argue.

They may be your priority, but that’s not my point. They want to feel like your priority. It is not enough for them to be your priority. They must feel like it.

I’ll never forget discussing this point with a very busy corporate vice president. He kept assuring me of how much he loved his wife and kids. Finally I interrupted him and said, “The problem is, you love your family in your heart, but you don’t love them in your schedule. And they can’t see your heart.”

IT’S A QUESTION OF LOYALTY
For us, the chief indicator is time. Ours is tested by what we put on our calendars. Where you spend your time is an indication of where your loyalties lie. In effect, you pledge your allegiance to the person or thing that receives your time.

Are there bridges you need to burn? What are the bridges that making this decision will require you to burn? Are there accounts you need to hand off? Are there some out-of-town meetings that need to be handled on the phone? Is there an offer you need to refuse? A promotion you need to give back? Once you have made up your mind, it will become all too clear what stands in the way of your being able to focus on your commitment to reprioritize.

So what is your non-negotiable? What does it look like? Does it mean leaving the office everyday at 5:30, regardless? Does it mean never missing one of your children’s performances or ball games? What does the commitment look like in your world?

Again promising to do “better” won’t get it. You’ve already done that. That terminology doesn’t even register with your family. They’ve heard that before.

POSTURING
When we at last catch a glimpse of the hurt we’ve caused at home, there’s something in us that wants to fix things immediately. It’s not enough to make up our minds; we want to do something.

But the wrong actions for the right reason produce painful results. You can do the right thing for the wrong way and end up in a worse situation than the one you left. The operative word throughout this book has been choosing, not reacting.

The fact that you have decided to make a change in your life does not necessarily mean the folks at work are under any obligation to change. There is no value in punishing your employer. Your attitude and approach should be seasoned with diplomacy and tact. Besides, the source of your frustration is not your employer. It is the decisions you have made in response to the demands of your employer and the marketplace in general. Nobody forced you to work there. It was your decision. You, not they, must bear the consequences.

CHEATING AND DECEIVING
Think and pray about reallocating your limited time assets according to your predetermined priorities. As we’ve said on several occasions, the blessings of God are never attained by violating the principles of God.

I don’t believe for a minute that God guarantees us a pay raise if we obey Him. But I do know that God honors those who place their faith in Him. Jesus summarized it this way: But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you (Matthew 6:33).

In other words, order your world around your Heavenly Father’s priorities for you and then trust Him to fill the gaps created by your faithfulness. Instead of asking God to stand watch over family while you give to your career what belongs at home, turn the prayer around. Go home, seek Him first, and ask Him to watch over things at work. In time, you will discover that when you prioritize correctly at work and at home, God will honor you in both arenas. Everybody wins.

MISPLACED LOYALTY
Let’s face it. One day you will come home from the office for the last time. Nobody retires from his or her family to spend his or her final days in the office. Your last day may be at sixty-five when you retire or at thirty-five when you are laid off. Either way, you are coming home. What and who you come home to will be determined by what and who you choose to cheat between now and then.

I have seen too many men and women cheat their family of giving them enough of your personal time, only to find that the companies they worked for, were not nearly as faithful to them as they were to the company.

Loyalty in the marketplace is rarely reciprocated. It is sad when a man or woman is forced out of an organization they bled for to return home to the family they have neglected.

Why give your ultimate loyalty to an organization where your value is conditioned upon your ability to perform? Why betray those whose loyalty is unconditional? Why devote so much of yourself to something you know you will leave, and so little time to those you will eventually come home to? It doesn’t make any sense, does it? Yet without a conscious decision to do otherwise that is exactly what most of us are prone to do.

It has been said before. It is worth saying again. Nobody gets to the end of their life and wishes that had spend more time at the office. You won’t be the first.

• Make up your mind.

• Develop a plan.

• Deliver it diplomatically.

• Be willing to walk.

• And then watch for God.

After all, He takes full responsibility for the life that is wholly devoted to Him.

The above article came from the book, Choosing to Cheat — Who Wins When Family and Work Collide by Andy Stanley, published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. As Dr John Maxwell says about this book [which we agree]:

“This is a life-changing book and extremely relevant to our modern way of life. Author Andy Stanley confronts us with truth and transparency. Just as he had made a commitment in his own life to balance his family time with his work, he encourages us to make similar commitments. One of the main reasons it’s life changing is because a godly man who makes choices in his own life to never sacrifice his family for success has written it. If he wins the world but loses his family, what has he gained?”

This book presents a strategic plan for resolving the tension between work and home. You’ll find ways to deal with the busyness that wreaks havoc with the relationships you consider most important. Preview or purchase this book now.

- ALSO-

To read an additional article related to the one above which gives you a different slant on this subject, please click on the link below to read:

• WHEN THE OTHER WOMAN IS HIS JOB

We recognize that a spouse doesn’t always have choices as to how many hours is required to work his or her job (because the company requires it). And we recognize that there are times when a spouse may have to travel more than it is desirable. Sometimes spouses even have  to live apart in distant locations because there isn’t a job available in the same town. But we encourage you if this is the case, that somehow decisions will be made on both your parts to find ways to build communication bridges and line your priorities up as they should be to make your marriage and family life as healthy and strong as possible. (We have additional articles on this web site that can help you with that.)

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Best to you,
Tech Support

“Jesus replied, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-38).

The definition of a neighbor (according to the dictionary) is, “a person who lives close by.” And who do you live closest to, or at least  who SHOULD you live closest to, but your God and also your spouse? After all, you entered into a covenant relationship with both of them when you took your wedding vows. That means that you should love them unto the extraordinary — beyond that which you love anyone else.

In the Bible in Luke 10, we see that Jesus was asked “Who is my neighbor?”  Jesus went on to tell the parable of the good Samaritan, who showed great mercy to someone he didn’t even know. Afterward, Jesus let the “experts” know that THE ONE WHO SHOWED MERCY was the one who showed himself to be a neighbor. He then said, “Go and do likewise.”

It’s a principle for loving that we are to follow — both to the person outside of our home, but especially to the person within our home — the one with whom we entered into a covenant relationship.

So beyond showing mercy and grace and helping to bind the wounds of our “neighbor” who is our spouse, what other principles are we to follow? As we read the Bible, it could help us to keep in mind that THE PRINCIPLES FOR LIVING ARE ALSO THE PRINCIPLES FOR LOVING that the Bible shows us. It’s our Principle Guide Book for how we are to treat one another. This especially applies to how we live with the spouse that we’ve vowed before God to “love, honor, and cherish, ’till death” do we part.

We often forget that as believers in Christ, we’ve vowed to be “promise keepers” and also to have a servant’s heart and posture in how we deal with each other. We’re told in Philippians 2:3-8 that our attitude “should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” As those verses tell us:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

“YOUR ATTITUDE SHOULD BE THE SAME AS THAT OF CHRIST JESUS: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross!”

As you read through these verses we challenge you:

• Do you in humility, “regard one another as more important” than yourself?
• Is your attitude the same as that of Christ Jesus who emptied Himself of His rights (despite the fact that He is God)?
• Do you take on the “very nature of a servant” when dealing with your spouse, humbling yourself, yet lifting him/her up (and this, without a complaining word)?

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

“Dear friends, since God loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us” (1 John 4:7-12).

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command” (John 15:12-14).

Please consider this a challenge and a reminder to live out your promises to God and to your spouse — your “neighbor”, and to exhibit the principles for loving that the Bible gives us.

Our prayer for you this week is that you’ll love your husband or wife in the same way that Christ showed His love for you. He did not hold back in giving mercy and grace and forgiveness despite the hurt you have caused to Him.

We pray that you’ll give up your personal kingdoms for the sake of God’s kingdom, so that others will see the love of Christ sincerely displayed through your words and your actions. As a result of this, they will have more opportunity to be drawn all the closer to Christ.

We leave with you something that Keith Overturf, a friend of this ministry, shares in his e-mail messages:

“Do your best,
Bring out the best in others,
Don’t tell the Lord how big the problem is,
tell the problem how great the Lord is!!!
Yesterday is gone.
Tomorrow is not promised.
The question is,
What have you done for Christ today?”

Our love and prayers are with you as together we work to make our marriages a reflection of the love of God,
Cindy and Steve Wright

Ask your spouse, “Is there anything I can do to help you be in the mood more often?” Perhaps he’s bored with the routine. Perhaps she needs help with the kids. Consider together together whether lack of interest in sex is a new problem, or if it’s been this way since day one. Is he getting his needs met elsewhere? Does she seem to have no desire at any time? Is work particularly stressful lately? A man will often avoid sex because he’s having potency problems and is afraid of risking failure. This is why it’s so important to discuss his lack of interest in a supportive and loving way.

Seek medical help if the lack of desire is not a temporary difficulty. Physical reasons for low sexual interest in men include conditions such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, extreme stress, and a history of alcohol abuse. Often the medication history can give clues, as a variety of drugs can impact libido and function. Anti-hypertensive medicines, medications used for migraines, and most of the SSRIs (Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft), so useful for certain anxiety and depressive disorders, can dramatically lower libido. If brain serotonin levels are relatively high —as is true for many patients on antidepressants —sexual dysfunction may occur.

People with high-stress jobs or very physical jobs can, indeed, be physically tired. A phenomenon that appears unique to men, though, and that seems similar to a general depression, involves an unsatisfying work experience, or a sense of “failure to accomplish” something significant in a lifespan. For many men, job performance and sexual prowess are tightly linked. In addition, failure to perform up to his own “standards” can begin a downward spiral of ongoing failure. If a man tries to have sex when tired or distracted by job or other concerns and can’t maintain a satisfactory erection or reach ejaculation, it can plant deadly seeds of doubt in his mind. These can be powerful enough to cause him to prefer not trying rather than trying and failing. Encouragement, support, and “another time, another place, another try” without pressure may resolve the issue.

A husband who experiences these episodes is hardly alone. The e-waves and airwaves are inundated with advertisements for erectile dysfunction aids —both prescription and non-prescription approaches. This change in publicity is striking. Erectile dysfunction has, in fact, surfaced as a major male issue and is frequently followed by seeming lack of interest in sexual expression. Erectile dysfunction along with premature ejaculation cause considerable male sexual difficulties. However, there are may successful therapies ranging from biblical counseling to specific medications for particular patients.

Hormonal issues can play a role for both men and women. As a man ages, the testosterone slowly decreases which may cause a noticeable change in libido, size and firmness of the erection, as well as force of ejaculation. For the man who has been able to perform “on demand,” these changes can be anxiety-producing, even frightening aspects of the normal aging process.

For aging women, besides the hormonal effects, body image seems to play an enormous role. As a woman feels less attractive and less secure, she may resist advances and be more reluctant to initiate sexual expression. So we find husbands with failing confidence in their ability and wives that are insecure in their appearance —a recipe for decrease in the number of intimate encounters.

For men, obesity may also be a factor. In a study of nearly 2,000 men at the Harvard School of Public Health, “those with 42-inch waists or larger were twice as likely to have problems getting an erection as those with 32-inch waists. Researchers suspect that’s because they had risk factors for heart disease —high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and inactivity —which compromise not only blood flow to the heart, but also to the genitals. The solution? Frequent work-outs and low-fat diet.”

Seek competent counseling. One woman wrote, “When my husband takes his arousal pills —about four times a month —we have great sex. But I’m angry at his need to take ’something’ to have sex with me.” Her words demonstrate how easy it is to take his low desire personally, but if he needs medication to achieve an erection, his lack of drive is probably out of his control. The available medications increase blood flow to the pelvis, and perhaps boost his confidence. Her anger would seem to be misplaced in this situation. This couple could probably benefit from a third party to help them have some difficult conversations in a supportive atmosphere. It’s not easy to talk with someone else about your love life, but sometimes a neutral party can help a lot.

Many counselors and most pastoral counselors, however, have no experience in sex therapy or dealing with these intimate issues. So try to find someone with training and expertise in treating sexual problems. Checking with your physician might be a good first place to start.

When the wife has a lower sex drive than her husband, she can still usually help him experience sexual release in a relatively brief time. Providing sexual release is more complex, however, when the one with the lower libido is the husband. Because sexual satisfaction for her generally takes longer, requires more concentration and ambiance, and is a reflection of the intensity of her feelings toward her man, the uninterested husband must involve himself for much longer to satisfy his wife. And her partner’s enthusiasm is more closely linked to her ability even to experience orgasm than it would be for many men with less interested wives. Nevertheless, it’s still worthwhile to have intimate contact, if only to assure her of his love, affection, and concern for her welfare.

Bear in mind that there are alternate ways to achieve orgasm even when the husband suffers from erectile dysfunction. Couples should feel free to explore and experiment in these areas. Perhaps once the husband is successful in these ways, his lagging libido will be less of an issue.

Some husbands are trying to be sensitive, but they often find themselves having painful conversations that go something like this:

HIM: “Do you need me to meet your needs tonight, sweetheart?”
HER: “It would be nice if you actually wanted me.”
HIM: “Hey, I’m doing the best I can.”
HER: “I don’t want some sort of sympathy session —doing it because you have to. You’d just be pretending.”
HIM: “Then what do you expect me to do? Lie and tell you I can’t wait? I’m willing to meet your needs. That’s the best I can do right now.”

The neglected wife will probably feel insecurities such as, “If only I were more beautiful” or “If only I were more sexy.” Even if doctors can identify a medical cause for the husband’s seeming indifference, these feelings are difficult for her to overcome. Yet it’s important for her to remind herself that God created her in His very image, so she is a beautiful creature, fully desirable, despite her husband’s medical or emotional issues.

Because a spouse’s lack of interest usually brings feelings of rejection and even insecurity for the more interested partner, he or she may be especially vulnerable. First Corinthians 7:5 gives the clear command not to deprive each other for this very reason —because it leaves one’s spouse more vulnerable to sexual temptation. If your spouse refuses to or can’t help you achieve sexual release, you as the deprived spouse must recognize the additional moral vigilance that must accompany such difficulties in your life.

The way your spouse decides to respond to your need, though, is largely out of control. If he or she ignores your pleas despite attempts at communication and intervention, seek the help of a third party. If your spouse remains unresponsive, you must live with the devastating realty of life as a celibate married person. The ongoing support of a trusted friend will be essential to helping you deal with such a loss.

In this case our Savior’s submission to the Father serves as a source of enablement and encouragement: “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23 NIV). That is not to say you silently bear it, opting never to bring it up. Periodically express your ongoing desire for marital oneness. Yet recognize that if your spouse fails to respond, it’s out of your control.

For many women, their husbands’ lack of interest is a source of ongoing grief, as sexual oneness was created as an essential piece in the marriage equation. If this is true for you, express your emotion to God, knowing He will honor your for exhibiting a quality that reflects the heart of God Himself —loyal, faithful love that cares for those who cannot reciprocate.

This can go both ways. Many wives are no longer available to their husbands after the kids are grown and gone. A man in such a situation must learn to live godly in the midst of her selfish approach, as well.

Jesus Christ understand the difficulties of the celibate life. In Ronald Rolheiser’s book The Holy Longing, he notes, “When Christ went to bed alone at night, he was in real solidarity with the many persons who, not by choice but by circumstance, sleep alone. And there is a real poverty, a painful searing one, in this kind of aloneness. The poor are not just those who are more manifestly victimized by poverty, violence, war, and unjust economic systems. There are other less obvious manifestations of poverty, violence, and injustice. Celibacy by conscription is one of them.”

As we’ve said before, the number-one sexual difficulty couples experience is the inability to talk about it. This appears to be a pattern that continues through the years unless couples make a specific effort to communicate about their intimate lives. Physicians estimate that nearly half of their menopausal patients suffer from a loss of sexual desire or satisfaction. And while approximately two-thirds of the men have noticed a decrease in sexual activity since their partners entered menopause, only half of the couples have discussed these changes together.

So the first line of defense of communication. The second is knowing what to expect. The third is knowing to seek help any time you experience discomfort or ongoing anxiety. Finally, focus on benefits of loving well at each age. In their time of youth, couples experience new, exciting sensations, and awaken to worlds of self-discovery. With maturity comes skill, confidence, and deepening intimacy. In old age, couples bring to each other the wisdom and joy of love learned over a lifetime. As the authors of Love and Sex After Forty remind us, “Love and sex are twin arts, requiring effort and knowledge. Only in fairy tales do people live happily ever after without working at it …but sex does not merely exist after the middle and later years; it holds the possibility of becoming greater than it ever was.”

Like the bride in Song of Solomon who felt free to say, “Dark am I, yet lovely” (Song of Solomon 1:5 NIV), we face growing old together by working to create a secure atmosphere to reach other. In that place, loving eyes look beyond physical imperfections and exclaim, “This is my lover, this my friend” (Song 5:16 NIV).

The above article came from the book Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, written by William Cutrer, MD and Sandra Glahn, published by Kregel Publications. There is even more in this particular chapter, that we weren’t able to include in this article, so for this reason and because it’s a good book, we hope you can find a way to obtain it. Sexual Intimacy in Marriage will help you to “understand why marriage is the only context in which authentic sexual intimacy is possible. In addition, you will discover a practical approach to many of the sexual problems and challenges that confront married couples.” “This easy-to-read book has blended the glory of sex with the realities of life. It addresses real people in a real world without compromising God’s wonderful design and purpose for His gift of sex.” It “holds in highest esteem the institution of marriage, and the sexual relationship is given its proper place within the context of marriage.” Review or Buy This Book Now

“Our world is much larger than our immediate family, and we cannot pretend to be islands unaffected by everyone else. We affect those outside our families and they can affect us in return. Our relationships with those beyond our families can affect us both positively and negatively. Sometimes outside influences bring joy to our lives; sometimes they are heavy weights to bear. But healthy friendships and the ability to interact with those outside the family, on the one hand, and the ability to develop our characters without undue influence from peer pressure, on the other, can all be important values to our lives.”

“God made us to be social beings. The enemy of our souls, of course, wants to break down all social relationships and turn them into chaos. God wants the love we have in our immediate families to expand to the entire human family. In fact, the family is a model for the way all people should relate. It is important to think about how we relate to others, because our relationships can have an influence far greater than we might imagine” (Jay Kesler, from the book “Family Forum”).

So what kind of friend are you —one who is positive or one who brings negativity into their world?

The Bible says that “A friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). Are you showing love to your friends and respecting and being supportive in their marriage relationships? Maybe your friends don’t have good marriages. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be a supportive and prayerful friend who pokes holes in the darkness, by the way you talk and live out Christ in your interactions with them.

How do you show your love? The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 13, how to live out your love —whether it is in your own marriage, or in other relationships, such as friendships, that you have in your life. In The Message, written by Eugene H. Peterson, it is translated in the following way:

“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.”

Are you that kind of friend that loves like God tells you to do? Do you have those kinds of friends in your life? If you don’t, then keep looking. Don’t settle for friends that will hurt your life and your marriage. It would be better to be without human friendship, than to compromise the values the Lord wants you to live out. Noah is a good example. He didn’t compromise with his friends, and God honored him for it. If you can be the good influence on your friend and not take up their bad influence, then great! You are God’s light to them. But if you can’t be that kind of friend, then “Be ye separate from them.” (Lot, in the Bible, learned this the hard way.)

How much richer our lives can be if we can find friends that can add to our lives, rather than take away from it! The friendship of David and Jonathon is a good example of a giving friendship. There are others in the Bible as well.

Author Jay Kessler talks about the influence friends have made in his life for the positive (in the book Family Forum). He writes:

“Dr Ted Engstrom, one of my spiritual mentors, told me once that every man needs both a Timothy and a Barnabas. That is, he needs a friend whom he can affect in a positive way —like Timothy —and he also needs someone like Barnabas, whom he can walk with, talk with, and share his innermost thoughts and feelings with. There are many Timothies and Barnabases in good men’s fellowship groups.

“I’ve been a part of many such groups. Right now, I meet with a group of guys every Saturday morning just to goof off for an hour and a half. We call it ‘Wasting Time Together,’ and we drink coffee, eat pastries, and talk. Sometimes we end up praying or reading the Bible, but we don’t start with an agenda. I think this is important. So when the meeting is over, what we’ve said to one another is, ‘You guys are worth spending ninety minutes with, even though we didn’t have anything specific planned.’ It’s a definite friendship-builder.”

There are women’s groups that meet and do the same thing. And then there are one-on-one times with other friends that hold this type of richness. The point is that we need each other. But we shouldn’t settle for friendships just because we can’t find the right type. Keep looking. Don’t give up. Even if it takes 20 years, it’s a search worth persevering through.

A few other scriptures that tell of the kind of friend you should be to one another are:

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:5-6). That means that a friend won’t be false and pretend things are all right when they aren’t. They will openly and respectfully love their friend enough to risk their friendship and help their friend.

My best friend Jessie did that years ago when she found out that I was separated from my husband Steve. She was a new Christian and said she decided to “risk our friendship” to share the love of Christ with me. And because of the “risk” she took, I now know of the love of Christ personally. One of the first pieces of advice she gave me as a fellow believer and friend is for me to go back home to my husband.

I told her that it would be foolish, “He hasn’t changed, so what’s the use?” She said, “No, he hasn’t changed, but you have. Just read the Bible as it if is true (I didn’t believe that it was true yet, but she said to read it as truth and eventually God would show me that it is —which did eventually happen), and start living it out. Let God work on your husband.”

I did just that and about 3 weeks after being home, Steve wanted to know what had changed me so much in my attitude and the way I interacted with him. I told him of my new relationship with Christ, and the Spirit moved upon him to want the same. This experience forever changed our lives, our marriage, and where we would live for all of eternity.

What a difference a friend can make! My friend Jessie is a close friend that Steve and I will forever be grateful for and appreciate because of the good friend she showed herself to be to us.

Another piece of advice concerning friendships can be found in Proverbs 16:28, which says, “A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.” This tells us to be careful of how we conduct ourselves as a friend. Don’t take liberties and say things you shouldn’t and don’t say things about others that you shouldn’t. It can cause division. No one wants a friend that is one way in front of them and then will tell others of their personal business or will spread lies about them or their spouse. Your friendship will rightly end at that point.

“He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends” (Proverbs 17:9).

“Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips” (Proverbs 4:24).

“If you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth, then do this, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor’s hands: Go and humble yourself’; press your plea with your neighbor!” (Proverbs 6:2-3)

Here’s another piece of advice from the scriptures, “Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house —too much of you, and he will hate you” (Proverbs 25:17). It doesn’t say never; it says seldom. In other words, don’t be out with your friend or over to his or her house more than you should. It can hurt their marriage, and it can hurt your friendship. Be wise in how much you are together, and how much you live your lives in separate ways.

Sometimes the best support you can give is in small doses and from a distance (other times it is the opposite). God will show you what is best if you ask Him.

To help you further with the concept of friendships and how they influence a marriage, below you will find a series of links we have provided. The first is one that we have posted in the “Emotional Infidelity” section of the Marriage Missions web site. It concerns having friends that are of the opposite sex. And then another helpful article and even a questionnaire follows behind. It would be good for you to read and prayerfully consider what they say. To read them, please click onto the link below:

• KEEP YOUR OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIP FROM GOING TOO FAR

• HOW OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIPS CAN BURN YOUR MARRIAGE

You can also find a questionnaire in this same section of the web site titled “Questions: Guiding Opposite Sex Friendships in Marriage” that you might find helpful as well.

The other links are from other helpful web sites, concerning various aspects of friendships once you are married. To read each one, click onto the one you want to read and then arrow back to click onto the next link you would like to read. After you are through, if you have something you’d like to share, please write it in the box provided at the end of this list and submit it. Here are the links we hope you will visit:

• WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FRIENDS?

• He said, “She’s a Social Maniac.” She Said, “He’s the Ultimate Homebody.”

• PAINLESS HOSPITALITY … How to Open Your Home to Friends

• WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE … Are Your Pals Helping or Hurting?

• THE NEED FOR FRIENDS

• FRIENDSHIP — IT DOES A BODY GOOD

• MY WIFE’S WORST GIRLFRIEND

• PUBLIC DISCLOSURES … When Is It Okay to Vent About Your Marriage?

• For Better, For Worse — Ways to Support Your Friend in a Marriage Crisis

• HOW A MAN’S FRIENDS CAN MAKE OR BREAK HIS MARRIAGE

• MY BEST FRIEND’S HUSBAND IS A FLIRT! Should I Tell Her the Truth?

• RESOLVING CONFLICT OVER SPOUSE’S FRIENDS

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Sex is enthralling —make no mistake about it. Yet it also distorts these relationships outside of one’s own marriage, detracting from what God would have them to be. It stunts spiritual growth, alienates the sexual partners from God, and erects a barrier to true intimacy in the future.

“It’s possible to love deeply and not fall into bed —and I know it from experience,” writes Leigh McLeroy in Moments for Singles:

“First, …Sexuality is a God-given and beautifully wrapped ‘present’ that can be opened for the first time only once. I prefer to savor this gift at the right time, under the right circumstances, because I believe what its Giver has said about its worth. Second, I’m absolutely certain I am loved. If there were a serious love deficit in my life, the temptation to fill it with sex would almost certainly feel overwhelming.

“But the relationship that I have with Christ can fill my deepest longings for love and intimacy if I will allow it to and as much as I will allow it to. My choice to reserve sex for its intended home of marriage has much more to do with love and desire than it does with obedience and dread.”

If you’ve failed here, remember that God provides a way of spiritual reconciliation. Confess your sin to Him and receive the forgiveness He promises. Change your thinking by filling your mind with Scripture. Make a new start. In Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity, Lauren Winner writes, “One who, like me, had sex before marriage can rightfully mourn and grieve the loss of virginity.” But she says, “The critical question for Christians is what are doing now? Not have you sinned in the past, but if you sinned in the past, how are you dealing with it? How has Christ’s blood redeemed you, and how are you obeying now?”

The dating believer who wants to remain pure must go out only with other believers who are committed to maintaining the biblical standards that limit physical expressions of intimacy. Although lust expressed may be pleasurable, it is momentary and it falls well short of the full experience of marital sex because it also denies committed relationship. Jesus condemned lust because it cheapened sex, making it less than God created it to be. One non-Christian man who actively engages in multiple sexual encounters wrote, “I am wondering —will sex be better when I am actually in love?”

Next, find someone or a group outside of the relationship to whom you can be accountable. One of my (Sandi’s) single friends wrote this to me:

“We broke our rule about doing nothing intense while lying down. Except for the fact that we broke our own rule, we didn’t do anything morally wrong, so don’t worry. We are very aware that it will be easier next time to want to bend the rules again. That was Saturday night, on our date —which was a picnic in the woods, with a fire and everything. So you could probably call that a compromising situation as well. Boy, I’m not doing too well here, am I?”

Just knowing she would have to later give account for her actions helped to keep this young woman from “going further.”

“Long distance relationships help,” Tara, single woman, said laughing. She went on to add more seriously,

“I think integrity and respect for the other person as a creation of God are strong incentives against violating him or her. You have to learn to focus on the other person’s good, and not personal selfishness, or what feels good for you. Also, you have to keep the long-term goal in view. Women need to realize that they do things that cause guys to want more, and that guys do things to cause women to want more. Both have to take responsibility in restraining the physical relationship.”

John, who is currently engaged, said, “We set some rules: Nothing below the neck, under a blanket, or lying down. It’s just too hard otherwise.” Another single suggested, “We never get into the car together unless we’ve decided ahead of time where we’re going. That helps us avoid the temptation to cruise around and end up at the lake in the back seat. We know that if we demonstrate selfless love in our physical relationship before marriage, we’re more likely to demonstrate that same kind of love to each other after we are married.”

We know of Christian parents who believe their sons will have sex before marriage but not their daughters, because “guys do.” This is wrong! Both men and women are fully responsible for their own actions; both must take responsibility for “slowing down.”

One single woman shared, “It’s sometimes beneficial to know and communicate when the other person is hitting hot buttons and to stop at that point, instead of going to the ‘point of no return.’” She laughed and went on, “I like the ‘beep, beep, beep’ warning approach myself. It lets the other person know that he is going in the wrong direction, yet does it in an amusing way.” She continued, “It’s easy for us women to think we owe for the dates and food and the stuff they buy us. A lot of women don’t think enough of themselves to say, ‘I should be pursued for me alone and not what I can give with my body. I’m worth getting to know, period.’ I’ve had trouble with this.”

Another suggestion is to keep the engagement period short. By the time a couple reaches engagement, they are entering levels of intimacy that should not be sustained for long without expression in sexual intercourse. As Paul advised, “It is better to marry than to burn” (1 Corinthians 7:9).

Today, wise people follow God’s directives to abstain from sexual relations outside of marriage and relinquish bodily rights within marriage.

The above article came from the book Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, written by William Cutrer, MD and Sandra Glahn, published by Kregel Publications. This is a book that will help you to “understand why marriage is the only context in which authentic sexual intimacy is possible. In addition, you will discover a practical approach to many of the sexual problems and challenges that confront married couples.” “This easy-to-read book has blended the glory of sex with the realities of life. It addresses real people in a real world without compromising God’s wonderful design and purpose for His gift of sex.” It “holds in highest esteem the institution of marriage, and the sexual relationship is given its proper place within the context of marriage. Review or Buy This Book Now“

Traditionally, wives have assumed most household and child-care responsibilities, while husbands have taken the responsibility of providing income for the family.

While men are changing the diapers, wielding the mop, and tending the stove more often than ever before, it usually isn’t nearly enough. In dual-career marriages, men, on average do less than half as much child care and housework as their working wives.

As most women have figured out by now, men are not very motivated to do housekeeping. Many husbands think that any effort to help with household responsibilities represents a monumental sacrifice. But from the wife’s perspective, he is simply doing a small part of his fair share of the work. In many of these marriages, the husband demands that the wife do most of the work, and the wife demands that the husband do it. Neither feels it is their responsibility.

Domestic responsibilities are a time bomb in many marriages. Marriage usually begins with a willingness of both spouses to share them. Newlyweds commonly wash dishes together, make the bed together, and divide many household tasks. The groom welcomes the help he gets from his wife because, prior to marriage, he’d been doing it all alone as a bachelor. At this point in marriage, neither of them regard domestic responsibilities as an important marital issue. But the time bomb is ticking.

When does it explode? It’s when children arrive! Children create huge needs, both a greater need for income and greater domestic responsibilities. The previous division of labor is not obsolete. Both spouses must take on new responsibilities. Which ones should they take? In most modern marriages, both spouses opt for income, leaving the domestic responsibilities to whoever will volunteer. It’s a recipe for disaster, at least for most working women, because they end up doing most of the housework and child care, resenting their husbands’ lack of support.

If household responsibilities are given to whoever is in the mood to do them, nothing much will be done. If one spouse demands help from the other, that will also have an unsatisfactory outcome. But if assignment of these tasks can be mutually agreed upon by willing spouses that accept the responsibility, everything will run smoothly. I would like to propose to you a solution to your conflict. My solution will not only resolve your conflict, but it will meet the need for domestic support.

This solution will require you to do something that is essential in solving most conflicts: get organized. It means you must think through your problem carefully and systematically. You will need to write down your objectives and create solutions that take each other’s feelings into account. While you may find all of this awkward and terribly “not you,” there is not other way. Besides, when you’re done, you may find it to be more comfortable than you anticipated.

Step 1: Identify Your Household Responsibilities

First, make a list of all of your household responsibilities including child care. This list should (1) name each responsibility, (2) briefly describe what must be done and when to accomplish it, (3) name the spouse that wants it accomplished, and (4) rate how important it is to that spouse (use a scale from 0-5, with 0 indicating no importance and 5 indicating most important).Both spouses should work on this list, and it will take several days to cover the bases. You will add items each day as you find yourself accomplishing various tasks or wanting them accomplished.

Each time a task is added to the list and the work is described, the spouse wanting it done must be named along with their rating of the task’s importance. But the other spouse must also consider to what extent he or she would want it accomplished. So the names and importance ratings of both spouse should eventually accompany each item. Examples of items on the list are as follows:

• Washing the breakfast dishes—clearing off the breakfast table every morning; washing, drying and putting away all the breakfast dishes and utensils that went into preparing breakfast—Becky (4); John (2).

• Feeding the cat—put cat food and water in the cat’s dishes at 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m.—John (5); Becky (0).

When you’ve finished your list, both of you should be satisfied that it includes all of the housekeeping and child-care responsibilities that you share. You may have as many as a hundred items listed. Just this part of the exercise alone will help you understand what you’re up against with regard to the work that you feel must be done.

Step 2: Assume Responsibility for Items That You Would Enjoy Doing or Prefer To Do Yourself

Now make two new lists, one list titled “his responsibilities” and the other titled “her responsibilities.” Then select items that you are willing to take full responsibility for all by yourself. These are tasks that you would enjoy doing, don’t mind doing, or want to do yourself so they can be done a certain way. When you have added an item to one of the two new lists, cross it off the original list.If both you and your spouse want to take responsibility for the same items, you can either take turns doing them, or arbitrarily divide them between the two of you.

But you must approve each other’s selections before they become your final responsibilities. If one of you doesn’t feel that the other will perform the task well enough, you might give each other a trial period to demonstrate competence. Once you have taken responsibility for any item, your spouse should be able to hold you accountable for doing it according to his or her expectations.

Now you have the three lists: (1) the husband’s list of responsibilities, (2) the wife’s list of responsibilities, and (3) the list of household responsibilities that are not yet assigned.

Step 3: Assign the Remaining Responsibilities to the One Wanting Them Done the Most

Assuming that all tasks you wouldn’t mind doing have been eliminated, we’re left with those that would be unpleasant for either of you to perform. These are items that neither of you wants to do, but at least one of you thinks should be done.It’s at this point that you may choke on my recommendation. I suggest that these unpleasant responsibilities assigned to the person who wants them done the most. It’s a reasonable solution, since to do otherwise would force responsibility on the one who doesn’t care about them.

Consider for a moment why you want the other person to do these unpleasant tasks for you. Even though you are the one who wants them done, you want the other person to relieve you of the pain you suffer when you do them. In other words, you want to enjoy the benefit of having them done, but you are not willing to suffer for it yourself. You would rather see your spouse suffer. You want to gain the benefits of having these unpleasant tasks accomplished at your spouse’s expense.

You may argue that these tasks are not really what you want done, but rather what should be done. For example, you may say that they’re for the benefit of your children. But when you use that argument, you imply that your spouse is such a slob and so out of touch that he or she doesn’t even know or care what’s right or what’s best for the children.

While that may be precisely the way you feel, it’s incredibly disrespectful. You’re assuming that your view of the situation is superior to that of your spouse. You’re trying to straighten him or her out. But I guarantee you that your argument will not be well received. Whenever you try to impose your way of thinking on your spouse, you make your spouse feel bad. And you usually won’t win the argument! So why do it?

By following this procedure you may decide to change your attitude about some of the responsibilities on your list. When you know that the only way to do something is to do it yourself, you may decide that it doesn’t need to be done after all. In fact, you may find that what kept you convinced of its importance, was the notion that your spouse was supposed to do it.

So far, we have a fair division of labor, but we haven’t addressed the need for domestic support. So there is one more step in my plan that may not make you feel much better about my solution, but it will help you meet one of your spouse’s most important emotional needs.

Step 4: Meet the Needs of Domestic Support by Assuming Responsibilities.

Up to this point, the assignment of household responsibilities is fair. You’re dividing responsibilities according to willingness and according to who benefits most with their accomplishment. But marriage takes you one step further. In marriage, you do things for each other because you care about each other’s feelings, not just because you want them done yourself.You may not be willing to take responsibility for a certain task because, quite frankly, you don’t think it needs to be done. But if your spouse thinks it needs to be done, it may be an opportunity for you to meet his or her emotional need for domestic support.

Let me repeat a concept that is crucial to your marital happiness. If you and your spouse are in love with each other, you will have a happy marriage. If you aren’t in love you will feel cheated. So whatever it takes to trigger the feeling of being in love with each other is well worth the effort.

If cooking dinner or ironing shirts or picking up socks triggers the feeling of love in your spouse, why not do those things? In fact, if meeting any of the emotional needs that I’ve described in this book really does create the feeling of love, why would anyone resist doing it? It’s not only an act of care, but is an act of supreme wisdom. By doing for each other what you appreciate most, you will have what few marriages have, the feeling of love throughout your entire lives.

What makes this book so effective is that it gets right to the heart of what makes marriage work-the feeling of love. As Dr Harley says,

“Communication and problem-solving skills are important in a happy marriage, but not absolutely essential. It’s the feeling of love that’s absolutely essential. In all my years as a marriage counselor, I’ve never counseled a couple in love who wanted a divorce. But I’ve counseled many divorcing couples with excellent communication and problem-solving skills. Don’t get me wrong-I’m very much in favor of improving communication and problem solving in marriage. But unless those skills help trigger the feeling of love, spouses feel cheated in their marriages and often want out. This book will teach you what’s most important in marriage-how to fall in love and stay in love with each other.”

WORK AROUND THE HOUSE: Who Does What?
-By Cindy Wright

Even though this article is addressed to newlyweds, it will benefit even those who have been married for many years. If you haven’t resolved this problem in your marriage, treat it as a new problem and look for healthy ways to resolve it with the first step being to read this article.

To read this article:

CLICK HERE

MARRIAGE MESSAGE #266 – Working Together as a Team

“Working together as a team”—we know we’ve talked a lot about this on different levels in past marriage messages, but SURPRISE, we aren’t done! And we never will be, because we so deeply believe that married couples are supposed to work together as a team. We believe this is part of “Cleaving” together in marriage (biblically-speaking).

To read more:

CLICK HERE

MARRIAGE MESSAGE #151 — Accomplishing Tasks Together

“Don’t shower me with love and kisses—just whisper softly, ‘I’ll do the dishes’.” This is where real life happens in a marriage. When couples accomplish the tasks of life TOGETHER, they free up time to pursue personal and marital goals. This enriches their enjoyment of their relationship and each other.

To read more:

CLICK HERE

MARRIAGE MESSAGE #98 – Resolving a Messy Issue

THE MARRIAGE DILEMMA: What do you do if one of you has the “natural inclination” to be a “messie” and this drives the other spouse absolutely crazy because they like things neat and tidy?

To read more:

CLICK HERE

The following checklists can help you and your partner identify possible problems and talk them over. They will also help you get to know each other better. Ask yourself and each other the following questions.

1. Addiction or Excessive Use of Alcohol, Drugs, Etc.

Whether the problem is alcohol, drugs, gambling, or anything else, it leads to behavior that makes a person unreliable and untrustworthy. It will inevitable prevent the addict from putting the partner’s needs first. Feeding the addiction will always come first, not the partner.

• Does my partner’s drinking/drug use/gambling make me uncomfortable?
• Does he or she acknowledge that there is an addiction problems?
• Is he or she now in treatment or seeking professional help to overcome this addiction?

2. Controlling or Bullying Tendencies

If you feel as if your partner tries to micromanage every detail of your relationship and your life, neither of you will feel as if you have a relationship of two independent, mature adults. If he insists on having his own way more than you think is fair or she does not respect your independence, then it won’t be long before the two of you will experience conflict.

• Does he or she expect me to account for my whereabouts every single minute of the day? If I don’t, does he or she express annoyance or worse?
• Does he or she try to bully me into doing things I do not want to do?
• Does your partner fail to consult you on important decisions?

3. Dishonesty and Lying

The good relationships are built on trust. Each partner has to be able to rely on the other telling him or her the truth.

• Does my partner ever lie to me?
• Does my partner try to excuse his or her lying, rather than apologize for it?

4. Displays of Contempt, Condescension, and Overall Lack of Respect

If your partner treats you with contempt rather than respect and speaks sarcastically and condescendingly, it will be almost impossible to talk over your differences calmly and rationally.

• Does my partner make fun of me in a way that hurts my feelings?
• Does my partner make snide remarks about me and act as if he or she does not respect my skills, talents, or contributions?

5. Emotional Withdrawal

If your partner has great trouble sharing his or her emotions or demonstrating love through affection and touch, in a way that meets your own emotional needs, it will be difficult to have a mutually satisfying relationship.

• Does my partner simply walk away or retreat when there is conflict rather than sit down and talk it through?
• Does my partner give the warmth, physical affection, and emotional nurturance I need, or does he or she seem to withhold emotional support?

6. Excessive or Explosive Anger

When your partner’s anger seems excessive, inappropriate to the circumstances, or occurs more often than you are comfortable with, he or she may have a problem.

• Does my partner’s anger seem out of control or frightening to me?
• Have friends or family mentioned these outbursts to me?

7. Extreme Defensiveness or Denial that Obstructs Open Discussion

If you try to bring up problems that you see in your interactions, and your partner seems unable to listen and instead gets angry, defensive, or completely denies your feelings, it will be difficult for you both to grow in this relationship. It also makes it difficult or impossible to fix problems as they arise.

• Does my partner jump on me or refuse to calmly discuss any differences of opinion that I bring up?
• Can my partner listen to problems I bring up, or does he or she usually deny that any such problems exist?

8. Frequent Critical or Insulting Remarks

Excessive criticism between partners is one of the most destructive behaviors in any relationship, and one most likely to lead to divorce.

If your partner repeatedly criticizes and insults you, he or she is not showing you the respect any marriage partner deserves.

• Does he or she repeatedly criticize who I am or what I do?
• Does he or she criticize me or insult me in front of others?

9. Infidelity

Unfaithfulness is one of the most fundamental betrayals of trust, and one that will jeopardize a marriage. If your partner is unfaithful before you get married, and you cannot agree that both of you find such actions acceptable, chances are it will happen again.

• Does my partner flirt or behave in any other way with others that makes me unhappy or uncomfortable?
• Has my partner ever given me reason to believe he or she might be unfaithful?

10. Intolerance or Excessive Rigidity

Someone who is intolerant of you or others, or who is excessively rigid, will not be likely to have the forgiving nature or the flexibility and resilience to roll with the ups and downs that any long-term relationship requires.

• Is he or she accepting of attitudes I possess that differ from his or her own?
• Does my partner refuse to speak to me or others if he or she is angry?

11. Laziness and Unwillingness to Do His or Her Share

Once two partners agree on what they find to be a fair distribution of chores around the house, based on time and preferences and skills, it is not acceptable for one of the partners to repeatedly slack off without discussing it thoroughly with the other.

• Does my partner refuse to pitch in and leave the lion’s share of the work to me, even though we agreed to split things equitably?

12. Rudeness or Bad Manners

If your partner is repeatedly rude to you or others, or if his or her bad manners make you feel as if you would not want to be seen in public with him or her, your relationship cannot possibly become great without some major alternations in behavior.

• Am I embarrassed by my partner’s manners?
• When I ask my partner to modify his or her behavior, is he or she able to change, or does the behavior persist?

13. Selfishness or Inability to Show Kindness, Caring, and Support

Be careful if your partner puts his or her interests above yours on a fairly regular basis. Such behavior is likely to encourage you to behave in a similar fashion, if only to protect your interests. When two people behave selfishly, they will likely grow farther apart over time.

• Do I feel as if my partner is pulling his or her share in the relationship?
• Does my partner think about what I want and need as much as his or her own interests?

14. Violence or Verbal Abuse

Physical violence and verbal abuse are never acceptable in any relationship. With counseling, some individuals may be able to overcome this behavior. But if the person is unwilling to seek outside counseling, you shouldn’t expect to see significant change.

• Does my partner use abusive language, profanity, or cruel and insulting remarks directed at me that I find offensive and hurtful?
• Has my partner ever hit me or threatened to hurt me —even once?

Marriage Missions Note: For additional information on this problem behavior please click on the following web site link to read:

• 12 Traits of An Abusive Relationship

Though psychological and emotional problems may not be fatal flaws, they are conditions you must be aware of before you marry. If your partner is suffering from conditions such as depression, anxiety, obsessive fears, or other worrisome emotional issues, he or she should receive professional help before you make any decision about marrying. Of course, he or she should continue with that help, if necessary, after the marriage, should you decide to go ahead with it.

It can be very difficult to look honestly at the person we think we love. We may feel we’ll spoil the romance, or discover things we wish we didn’t know. But the reverse is more likely to be true. Having honest discussions —many of them —about religion, money, sex, children, recreation, and acceptable behavior can be a great way to discover how much you really have in common.

It will also build trust and a strong foundation for your future life together. If you don’t agree at first, this discussion offers a chance to learn what you need to continue working on. If you still aren’t able to agree on all of these six basic issues, you will find it much wiser and less painful in the long run to part ways so that you can begin, with optimism, your new search for the right person for you.

The above article can be found in the book, Wonderful Marriage by Lilo and Gerard Leeds, published by Benbella Books (Review or Buy This Book Now). Actually, there are even more questions contained in the section of the book we used for this article, which you can read by obtaining this marriage resource itself. In addition, you will find many more helpful marriage tips and insights which the Lilo and Gerard shared from their 57+ years of experience together, as they pass along to their readers what they have learned in making a marriage wonderful. It can also be enjoyed by those who are considering marriage (because they address many topics like the one above, in a way that helps you to consider whether or not you are suited to marry each other).

We highly recommend Wonderful Marriage, even though it isn’t written to a Christian audience. We only found two quotes we objected to in the entire book, but the rest of it lines up fine scripturally. As with ANY resource (including ours), other than the Bible, it’s important to prayerfully read with an objective eye. If it lines up with God’s Biblical principles and the Lord shows you that the advice will be helpful for your marriage, use it. If not, don’t. Not all advice given by humans is good for you to use. Ask God for wisdom and discernment and the Lord will bless.

An additional problem you truly need to examine is that of pornography. Many think this isn’t really a “problem” or it is one that will go away after marriage, but you need to reconsider that stance. Many, many marriages are crippled because of this behavior. Please click onto the link below to read more about it:

RED FLAGS OF RELATIONAL DIFFICULTIES:

1. You have a general uneasy feeling that there is something wrong in your relationship with your fiancé.

2. You find yourself arguing often with your fiancé.

3. Your fiancé seems irrationally jealous whenever you interact with someone of the opposite sex.

4. You avoid discussing certain subjects because you’re afraid of your fiancé’s reaction.

5. Your fiancé finds it extremely difficult to express emotions, or is prone to extreme emotions (such as out of control anger exaggerated fear) or swinging back and forth between emotional extremes (such as being very happy one minute, then suddenly exhibiting extreme sadness the next).

6. Your fiancé displays controlling behavior. This means more than wanting to be in charge—it means your fiancé seems to want to control every aspect of your life: your appearance, your lifestyle, your interactions with friends or family, etc. Your fiancé seems to manipulate you into doing what he or she wants.

7. You are continuing the relationship because of fear—fear of hurting your fiancé or fear of what he or she might do if you ended the relationship.

8. Your fiancé does not treat you with respect. He or she constantly criticizes you or talks sarcastically to you.

9. Your fiancé is unable to hold down a job, doesn’t take personal responsibility for losing a job, or he or she frequently borrows money from you or friends.

10. Your fiancé often talks about imagined aches and pains, going from doctor to doctor until he or she finds someone who will agree that he or she is seriously ill.

11. Your fiancé is unable to resolve conflict. He or she cannot deal with constructive criticism, never admits a mistake and never asks for forgiveness.

12. Your fiancé is overly-dependent on parents for finances, decision-making or emotional security.

13. Your fiancé shows a pattern of dishonesty, rationalizing questionable behavior or twisting words to his or her benefit.

14. Your fiancé exhibits patterns of physical, emotional or sexual abuse toward you or others. If he or she has ever threatened to hit you or actually struck you, this is a warning sign of future abuse. If he or she puts you down or continually criticizes you, this is a sign of emotional abusiveness.

15. Your fiancé displays signs of drug or alcohol abuse: unexplained absences or missed dates, frequent car accidents, the smell of alcohol or strong odor of mouthwash, erratic behavior or emotional swings, physical signs such as red eyes, unkempt look, unexplained nervousness, etc.

16. Your fiancé displayed a sudden, dramatic change in lifestyle as you began dating. (He or she may be changing just to win you and will revert back to old habits after marriage.)

• Do you recognize any of these caution signs in your relationship? If so, which ones?

If so, we recommend you talk about the situation as soon as possible with a pastor, counselor or mentor.

SPECIAL WARNING: If any of these caution signs are present in your relationship and you are engaging in sexual intercourse, it is imperative that you terminate the physical intimacy immediately. God has your welfare in mind when He forbids sexual connection before marriage. The premature bond this type of intimacy creates will make it extremely difficult for you to make needed changes in your relationship or to break it off.

There was a LOT more to the chapter on the subject of “Evaluating Your Relationship” than we weren’t able to include in this article. Actually, a large part of this particular section of the chapter was adapted from the book, How Can I Be Sure: A Pre-Marriage Inventory by Bob Phillips, published by Harvest House Publishers (which is also a terrific book).

We HIGHLY recommend that you find a way to obtain this workbook. They even have a companion guide for Marriage Leaders, Pastors, Counselors, and Mentor Couples which you can be obtained for those who want to help. If you can’t find the books at a local Christian bookstore, you can obtain them at www.familylife.com.

Tragically, so many couples deal with this horrible situation every day — losing their baby before the 20th week of pregnancy, commonly called a “miscarriage.” Even the word “miscarriage” brings with it the thought that the parent will “miss” being able to “carry” their baby physically, this side of heaven. And yet, they will always carry the baby emotionally in their hearts.

For those of you who are grieving through this loss, the emotional effects upon your marriage and upon each of you as individuals, can vary greatly.

“Sometimes a husband may blame his wife, or the wife may even blame her husband. Confusion and hurt can develop and cause great tension in a marriage if they are not handled properly” (Elizabeth Honeycutt, who developed Babygrief.com).

That is why it is extremely important to give each other the grace, space, empathy, and help that is needed so the grieving process doesn’t push you farther apart as a married couple, rather than draw you closer together as partners who work together through every tragedy that is encountered.

There’s something that Christi Bear wrote, that you might consider about all of this. It comes from the article “Understanding Miscarriage” (posted on www.troubledwith.com):

“It’s common to experience extreme sadness, anger, guilt and anxiety about future pregnancies. There is no ‘typical’ time-frame for emotional recovery; every woman experiences the grieving process in her own way and travels the road to healing at her own pace. While it’s important to allow time and personal ’space’ for grieving, if the grief becomes too overwhelming — leading to a more serious episode of depression and despondency — it may be necessary to get professional help.

“Fathers, too, are profoundly affected by the loss of a child. Unfortunately, a common misconception regarding miscarriage and stillbirth is that only the mother is affected. Women often feel more freedom to cry and express their grief, whereas men tend to feel pressure to ‘remain strong’ and may busy themselves with work or other activities in an effort to deal with their grief.

“Because men and women typically express their emotions and process their grief differently, it’s important for both parents to communicate their feelings to one another, helping to avoid the added pain of misunderstandings.”

John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter wrote something about this in their book, When the Cradle is Empty, that could help to explain the pain and tension that a miscarriage can bring into the marriage:

“The following reactions are common among women: ‘Does my husband feel as badly as I do about our baby? Does he know that since our baby died, I hate having sex? Why do I feel so unattractive? Why is becoming pregnant again such an obsession for me, but not for him?’

“Conversely, it’s not uncommon for the husband to think, ‘I have to be strong for my wife’s sake. She’ll only grieve more if I show my emotions, so I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. Why has she withdrawn sex? Is she blaming me? I know she wants to become pregnant again, but I’m afraid of what losing another baby would do to her. It seems like she’s crying all the time, and it’s really getting to me. I wish we could be happy again, like we were before the baby died.’”

John and Sylvia go on to give suggestions for walking through the loss of a baby like personalizing your baby, not rushing through to “move on” before you are ready, and bringing “your turmoil to God.” But they also suggest that you “grieve in your own way.” They write:

“Greg Bodin, director of pastoral care at North Medical Center in Robbinsdale, Minnesota, has worked with hundreds of families who’ve experienced miscarriage, still-birth, or early infant death. He and his wife have also suffered the loss of two children through miscarriage and stillbirth. Among the things he’s learned are:

• Loss is uniquely personal. There is no typical response or ‘right’ reaction to a pregnancy loss or death of a newborn.

• Feel the freedom to grieve in your own way. Don’t let anyone prescribe how you should feel, and don’t try to adapt your feelings to the expectations of others.

• Remember that the length of pregnancy doesn’t correlate to the grief felt. Some parents experience a great sense of loss even though the pregnancy was short-term.”

“Many couples feel the grief over miscarriage or stillbirth years after the loss,” Elizabeth Honeycutt from Babygrief.com says. “Others close up their feelings and try their best to move forward. For those who have felt the personal pain of losing a baby, the emotions, questions and grief need to be felt, answered, and worked through.”

To help those of you who are living through the pain and confusion that this experience brings into your life, we have found several articles posted on different web sites, written by those who have experienced miscarriage, firsthand. We pray they will minister to your hearts and your marriage relationship. You will find the links posted below.

The following article is written by Laura Mills, and is featured on the Today’s Christian Woman web site. Please click onto the following link to read:

• MOURNING A MISCARRIAGE

The following article, written by Lisa Brock, is featured on the web site Troubledwith.com. Please click onto the link below to read what Lisa learned about:

• LIFE AFTER MISCARRIAGE

This next article is written by Jennifer Maze Brown and is featured on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• EMPTY ARMS

The following article, featured on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine, is written by Bob Perry, and gives insight into what a husband was able to learn after his wife suffered a miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link provided below:

• WHEN MR FIX-IT WON’T DO

This next article, which is featured on the Stepping Stones ministry web site (Bethany.org), talks about the “Do’s” and “Don’ts” women want others to know about, as it pertains to approaching them after a miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link below:

• AFTER MY MISCARRIAGE

The following article is written by Cyndie Odya-Weis, and is featured on the Stepping Stones ministry web site (Bethany.org), and talks about the feelings she has for her three children in heaven that she lost through miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link below:

• LOST CHILDREN

This last article is written by Una McManus, as told to her by Mary Cunningham Agee, and is featured on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman. Please click onto the link provided below to read how miscarriage birthed a ministry to unwed mothers:

• FROM TEARS TO JOY

Every one of us gets angry with our spouse at some point in our marriage. You can’t live together day in and day out without finding things you disagree about —things that make you really angry with each other. The problem is, how we deal with the anger we feel for our spouse when that occurs. Do we allow our anger to cause problems that hurt our spouse and our marriage or does our anger lead us to find solutions to help our marriage?

“It’s a very natural thing to feel threatened by someone who disagrees with us. Conflicts feel inherently threatening. We very naturally consider that our opinion or way of seeing things is the ‘right’ or ‘better’ way. If we didn’t, we’d change our opinion or way of seeing things. So when people suggest that our way isn’t right or better, we fear that they’ll take us someplace we don’t want to go—and that creates fear. We tend to dig in our heels and try to prove our point to get them to see things our way, and to admit how wrong they are.

“Once we square off as adversaries, however, the outcome is already assured. We don’t even have to play the game. In conflicts you have only two options: You either both win, or you both lose. Your spouse is your teammate, not your enemy. Be careful as you work through struggles. You’re on the same team!” (Dr Gary Smalley, from Smalleyonline Newsletter 5/2/07)

Isn’t that true? We forget that truth. But something else that is important to face, is that not only can our spouse have a problem in how they deal with anger, but we could too.

“Few people want to admit that they have a problem with anger. Most of us readily see the mismanagement of anger on the part of others, but seldom see it in ourselves” (Dr Gary Chapman)

To look at how to deal with the “mismanagement” of anger and what we can do about it, we must first look at a few different ways that we can negatively respond to anger. And to do that we’d like to refer to something that Dr Gary Chapman wrote in his book, The Other Side of Love, published by Moody Press. In this book he writes:

There are two equally devastating response to anger: explosion and implosion. We may think that one is more destructive than the other, but the truth is implosive anger can be as damaging as explosive expressions of anger. Both can occur at varying levels of intensity, yet either response has destructive consequences. They represent destructive ways of responding to anger.

…Some Christians who would deplore explosive expressions of anger fail to reckon with the reality that implosive anger is fully as destructive in the long run. Whereas explosive anger begins with rage and may quickly turn to violence, implosive anger begins with silence and withdrawal but in time leads to resentment, bitterness, and eventually hatred. Implosive anger is typically characterized by three elements: denial, withdrawal, and brooding. Let’s look at each of these.

Those who practice an implosive method of responding to anger often begin by denying that they are angry at all. This response to anger is especially tempting to Christians who have been taught that anger itself is sinful. Thus, one often hears individuals say one of the following:

• “I’m not angry, but I am frustrated.”
• “I’m not angry; I’m just upset.”
• “I’m not angry, but I am disappointed.”
• “I’m not angry; I just don’t like it when people do me wrong.”

In almost all these cases, however, their condition is the same: The people are experiencing anger.

…Suppression of anger, holding anger inside, will eventually lead to physiological and psychological stress. There is a growing body of research that shows a positive correlation between suppressed anger and hypertension, colitis, migraine headaches, and heart disease. However, the pronounced results of suppressing anger are found in its impact upon one’s psychological or emotional health. Internalized anger eventually leads to resentment, bitterness, and often hatred. All of these are explicitly condemned in Scripture and are viewed as sinful responses to anger.

A third characteristic of implosive anger is brooding over the events that stimulated the anger. In the person’s mind, the initial scene of wrongdoing is played over and over like a videotape. He senses his spirit; he relives the events that stimulated the angry emotions. He replays the psychological audiotapes of his own analysis of situation.

How could he be so ungrateful? Look at the number of years I’ve put into the company. He’s only been here five years. He has no idea what’s going on. If he knew how important I am to the company, he wouldn’t treat me this way. I feel like resigning and letting him suffer. Or I feel like appealing to the board and getting him fired.

On and on the tapes play as one wallows in his or her anger. The difficulty is the tapes play only in the person’s head. The anger is never processed with the person involved or with a counselor or trusted friend. The anger is developing into resentment and bitterness. If the process is not interrupted, the person will eventually experience an implosion in the form of an emotional breakdown, depression, or in some cases, suicide.

However, for a growing number of those people who are internalizing anger, the end result will be not an implosion but an explosion. In their desperate emotional state, they will do some act of violence toward the person who wronged them. This is seen over and over again on the nightly news where the employee who was fired nine months ago walks in and shoots the supervisor who fired him.

The child who abused by parent, at the age of fifteen turns on the parents and murders them. The calm and meek husband turns on his wife and destroys her life. Neighbors find these realities almost incredulous. Typically, they say to the reporter, “He seemed like such a nice man. I can’t believe that he would do such a thing.” What the neighbor could not observe was the internalized anger that had been fed by brooding over a long period of time.

It should be obvious that implosive anger is fully as destructive as explosive anger. That is why the Scriptures always condemn internalizing anger. The apostle Paul admonished, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26-27).

Clearly Paul instructed that we are to process anger quickly, not allowing it to linger inside beyond sunset. I suppose that if we get angry after dark, he would give us till midnight, but the principle is that anger is not to be held inside; in fact, to do so is to give the devil a foothold.

That is, we are cooperating with Satan and setting ourselves up to sin even further. The apostle further challenged us to rid ourselves of anger. (See Ephesians 4:31; Colossians 3:8.) This is not an indication that anger itself is a sin; it is an indication that to allow anger to live inside is sinful. Solomon warned that “anger resides in the lap of fools” (Ecclesiastes 7:9).

The key word is resides; the fool lets the anger abide in him. The implication is that those who are wise will see that anger is quickly removed. Anger was designed to be a visitor, never a resident in the human heart.

All of us experience anger. But holding anger inside by denying, withdrawing, and brooding is not the Christian response to anger. In fact, to do so is to violate the clear teachings of Scripture. Bitterness is the result of stored anger, and bitterness is always condemned as sinful in Scripture. (For example, see Acts 8:23; Romans 3:14; Hebrews 12:15.)

In the course of counseling through the years, I have heard teenagers say, “I hate my father.” Almost always such a statement is tied to a series of perceived wrongs committed by the father. The teenager has internalized the hurt and anger and has developed resentment, bitterness, and now hatred toward the father. I have also heard more than one wife say, “I hate my husband,” and I’ve heard husbands express the same about their wives. Without exception, hatred does not develop overnight. Hatred is the result of internalized anger that remains planted in the heart of the individual.

Eventually the emotions of hurt from the internalized anger are replaced. In their stead appear the emotion of bitterness and the attitude of hatred. Almost always those who hate wish ill upon the person at whom they are angry. Sometimes, they end up perpetrating this ill themselves. The internalized anger erupts for all the world to observe.

When someone perpetrates evil upon the individual who wronged them, they have taken the prerogative of God. The Scriptures say, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:19 KJV). When we seek to impose judgment upon those who have wronged us, we will inevitably make things worse.

What positive steps can one take to defuse implosive anger?

• First, admit the tendency to yourself: “It’s true, I hold my anger inside. I find it very difficult to share with others that I am feeling angry. I know I am hurting myself by doing this.” These are the statements that lead to help.

• Second, reveal your problem to a trusted friend or family member. Telling someone else and asking for their advice may help you decide whether you should confront the person or persons with whom you are angry. Perhaps you will chose to “let the offense go,” but at least this will be a conscious choice, and you can release your anger.

• If the person to whom you disclose your anger is unable to give you the help you need, then look for a pastor or counselor who can. Don’t continue the destructive response to anger.

If you would like to see details on the book or purchase the book, The Other Side of Love, by Gary Chapman, which this article came from: (Click Here)

Explosive anger is another way in which many people deal with their frustration. They become so confused or feel that things have spiraled so far out of control that they explode into angry outbursts and rage at their partner—taking “control” of the situation in a more harmful way.

“Although the primary reason for angry outbursts is trying to get what we want, our instinct makes us believe otherwise. It turns it into an issue of injustice. When we are angry we usually feel that someone is deliberately making us unhappy (by not giving us what we want), and what he or she is doing just isn’t fair. In our angry state, we are convinced that reasoning won’t work, and the offender will keep upsetting us until he or she is taught a lesson. The only thing such people understand is punishment, we assume. Then they’ll think twice about making us unhappy again!

“We think we are using anger to protect ourselves, and it offers a simple solution to our problem — destroy the troublemaker. If our spouse turns out to be the troublemaker, we find ourselves hurting the one we’ve promised to cherish and protect. When we’re angry we don’t care about our spouse’s feelings and we are willing to scorch the culprit if it prevents us from being hurt again.” (Dr Harley, from the article, “Angry Outbursts” posted on www.marriagebuilders.com)

So what do you do if you express your anger in explosive and maybe even violent outbursts?

The following are several links to articles on different web sites that may help you with this. We pray you will find them helpful. To read these articles please click onto the links below:

• ANGRY OUTBURSTS

• WHEN COUPLES ARE CRUEL

• DEALING WITH ANGER

• DEALING WITH ANGER — YOURS AND YOUR SPOUSE’S

• MANAGING YOUR ANGER

• HOW DO I STOP ABUSING MY WIFE?

You may already be aware of some of the differences. Many, however, will come as a complete surprise. Did you know, for instance, that virtually every cell in a man’s body has a chromosome makeup entirely different from those in a woman’s body?

How about this next one? Dr. James Dobson says there is strong evidence indicating the “seat” of the emotions in a man’s brain is wired differently than in a woman’s. By virtue of these two differences, men and women are miles apart emotionally and physically. Let’s examine some of the differences between men and women.

MENTAL/EMOTIONAL DIFFERENCES:

Women tend to be more personal than men. Women have a deeper interest in people and feelings —building relationships —while men tend to be more preoccupied with practicalities that can be understood through logical deduction. Men tend to be more challenge-and-conquer oriented—competing for dominance —hence, their strong interest in sports such as football and boxing.

Why would a woman be less interested in a boxing match? Because close, loving relationships are usually not developed in the ring! Also, watch what happens during many family vacations. He is challenged by the goal of driving 400 miles a day, while she wants to stop now and then to drink coffee and relax and relate. He thinks that’s a waste of time because it would interfere with his goal.

Men tend to be less desirous and knowledgeable in building intimate relationships, both with God and with others. For example, women are usually the ones who buy marriage books. They are usually the ones who develop the initial interest in knowing God and attending church. When a man realizes his wife is more naturally motivated to nurture relationships, he can relax and accept these tendencies and choose to develop a better marriage and better relationships with his children.

Do you realize that your wife’s natural ability for developing relationships can help you fulfill the two greatest commandments taught by Christ—loving God and loving others (Matt 22:36-40)? Jesus said that if we obey these two commandments, we are fulfilling all the commandments. Think of it! Your wife has the God-given drive and ability to help you build meaningful relationships in both these areas.

God knew you needed special help because He stated, “It is not good for the man to alone; I will make him a helper [and completer] suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). If you let her, your wife can open up a whole new and complete world of communication and deeper relationships.

Dr. Cecil Osborne, in his book The Art of Understanding Your Mate, said women become an intimate part of the people they know and the things that surround them; they enter into a kind of “oneness” with their environment. Though a man relates to people and situations, he usually doesn’t allow his identity to become entwined with them. He somehow remains apart. That’s why a woman, viewing her house as an extension of herself, can be hurt when it’s criticized by others.

Women tend to find their identity in close relationships, while men gain their identity through vocations.

Because of a woman’s emotional identity with people and places around her, she needs more time to adjust to change that may affect her relationships. A man can logically deduce the benefits of a change and get “psyched-up” for it in a matter of minutes. Not so with a woman. Since she focuses on immediate consequences of a relocating, for example, she needs time to overcome the initial adjustment before warming up to the advantages of it.

Men tend to express their hostility through physical violence, while women tend to be more verbally expressive.

PHYSICAL DIFFERENCES:

Dr. Paul Popenoe, founder of the American Institute of Family Relations in Los Angeles, dedicated his more productive years to the research of biological differences between the sexes. Some of his findings are listed below:

• Woman has greater constitutional vitality, perhaps because of her unique chromosome makeup. Normally, female outlives male by three or four years in the U.S.

• Woman’s metabolism is normally lower than man’s.

• Man and woman differ in skeletal structure, woman having a shorter head, broader face, less protruding chin, shorter legs, and longer trunk.

• Woman has larger kidneys, liver, stomach, and appendix than man, but smaller lungs.

• Woman has several unique and important functions: menstruation, pregnancy, lactation. Woman’s hormones are of a different type and more numerous than man’s.

• Woman’s thyroid is larger and more active. It enlarges during pregnancy and menstruation; makes woman more prone to goiter; provides resistance to cold; is associated with her smooth-skinned, relatively hairless body and thick layer of subcutaneous fat.

• Woman’s blood contains more water and 20 percent fewer red cells. Since the red cells supply oxygen to the body cells, woman tires more easily and is more prone to faint. Her constitutional vitality is, therefore, limited to “life span.” (When the working day in British factories was increased from ten to twelve hours under wartime conditions, accidents increased 150 percent among women but not at all among men.)

• On the average, man possesses 50 percent more brute strength than woman (40 percent of a man’s body weight is muscle; 23 percent of a woman’s).

• Woman’s heart beats more rapidly (average 80 beats per minute vs. 72 for man). Woman’s blood pressure (10 points lower than man’s) varies from minute to minute, but she has less tendency toward high blood pressure—at least until after menopause.

• Woman’s vital capacity or breathing power is significantly lower than man’s.

• Woman withstands high temperatures better than man because her metabolism slows down less

SEXUAL DIFFERENCES:

• A woman’s sexual drive tends to be related to her menstrual cycle, while a man’s drive is fairly constant. The hormone testosterone is a major factor in stimulating a man’s sexual desire.

• A woman is stimulated more by touch and romantic words. She is far more attracted by a man’s personality, while a man is stimulated by sight. A man is usually less discriminating about those to whom he is physically attracted.

• While a man needs little or no preparations for sex, a woman often needs hours of emotional and mental preparation. Harsh or abusive treatment can easily remove her desire for sexual intimacy for days at a time.

• When a woman’s emotions have been trampled by her husband, she is often repulsed by his advances. Many women have told me they feel like prostitutes when they’re forced to make love while feeling resentment toward their husbands. However, a man may have NO idea what he is putting his wife through when he forces sex upon her.

These basic differences, which usually surface soon after the wedding, are the source of many conflicts in marriage. From the start, the woman has a greater intuitive awareness of how to develop a loving relationship. Because of her sensitivity, she is initially more considerate of his feelings and enthusiastic about developing a meaningful, multi-level relationship; that is, she knows how to build something more than a sexual marathon; she wants to be a lover, a best friend, a fan, a homemaker, and an appreciated partner.

• The man, on the other hand, does not generally have her instinctive awareness of what the relationship should be. He doesn’t know how to encourage and love his wife or treat her in a way that meets her deepest needs.

Since he doesn’t have an understanding of these vital areas through intuition, he must rely solely upon the knowledge and skills he has acquired prior to marriage. Unfortunately, our educational system does not require a training program for a husband-to-be. His only education may be the example he observed in his home. For many of us, that example might have been insufficient. We enter marriage knowing everything about sex and very little about genuine, unselfish love.

I am not saying men are more selfish than women. I’m simply saying that at the outset of a marriage a man is not as equipped to express unselfish love or as desirous of nurturing marriage into a loving and lasting relationship as a woman is.

…Now that you know WHY men and women cannot understand their respective differences without great effort, I hope you will have more hope, patience, and tolerance as you endeavor to strengthen and deepen your relationship with your wife [or husband].

In this book Gary Smalley explains a woman’s deepest needs, shows a man how to meet those needs, and gives ten simple steps to strengthen any marriage. He helps men to understand not only how to respond to a woman’s feelings, but also how to make her feel important. Using humorous and touching illustrations from his own life, as well as case histories and biblical examples, Gary Smalley maps a blueprint to a better marriage.

Are you having difficulty communicating with each other so you’re able to bridge your differences somehow?

Below you will find several different communication tools that could help you in your marriage so you’re able to hear each other better when you really need to. (Hopefully it will help you to become slower “to become angry.”)

Just like in a tool box you’ll find that you don’t use every tool every day, you’ll find the same for the communication tools that are listed below.

Use whatever you find helpful with the situation you’re dealing with whenever you need extra help:

THE CREATIVE NUMBER TECHNIQUE:

(From the book, Men Read Newspapers Not Minds —by Sandra Aldrich,
published by Tyndale House Publisher)

When needing clarification on the importance of a matter to your spouse have your spouse point to how they really feel over a matter.

#1: “I really don’t want to do this.”

#2: “I don’t want to do this, but I’m willing to talk about it.”

#3: “I don’t care one way or another.”

#4: “I’d like to do this, but I won’t die if we don’t.”

#5: “Yes, this is very, very important to me.”

THE PENCIL METHOD:

(This comes from the book, Happily Ever After, by Toben and Joanne Heim)

• Whoever holds the pencil gets to do the talking.

• The other person may ask clarifying questions but that’s all.

• Flip a coin and get started.

• Whoever has the pencil should try only to make feeling statements — “I feel this way when you …”

• After the person with the pencil has said all he or she has to say, pass the pencil.

A further insight from one of the authors of this method Toben Heim:

Question: Do you think couples should seek counseling for conflict? Tom: This may sound too simple, but seek counseling when the pencil technique or its equivalent doesn’t work. If you’re trying to listen to each other but it just isn’t working, or if the issue is so hot that you’re simply unable to listen to each other, then it’s time to get a third-party mediator to help you work through it. Some couples may think it’s a sign of weakness to get that kind of help, but just the opposite is true. It’s a sign of strength. I have couples that come to me for help after 15 years regarding an issue they’ve struggled with for every one of those 15 years. And others come in after a month of marriage. Who do you think is better off?

THE FIFTEEN MINUTE TIME-OUT RULE:
(Explained by Joanne Heim,
from the book, Happily Ever After, published by Kregel Publications.)

• [My husband] Toben promises that he won’t say a word for 15 whole minutes.

• At that point I am able to calmly explain why my feelings are hurt as well as being able to listen and understand as Toben then explains his side of the story.

We don’t use the “Fifteen Minute Time-Out Rule” very much, but it helps me immensely to know it’s there if I need it. And it saved a lot of hurt feelings and words that couldn’t be taken back during our early years of marriage.

I hate to admit it, but when I start feeling backed into a corner, I lash out. I say mean, hurtful, and ugly things that I end up regretting. And as Meg Ryan’s character said in the movie, You’ve Got Mail, there’s no reason to say those kinds of things to someone — no matter what he’s done (or what you think he’s done) to deserve it.

Paul said much the same thing in 1 Thessalonians (as interpreted in The Message):

“And be careful that when you get on each other’s nerves you don’t snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out” (1 Thessalonians 5:15).

The H.A.L.T. METHOD
of Dealing with Issues:

We aren’t sure who originally came up with this method, but it’s a good one to consider when you have anything important to discuss. TIMING can be essential in having a spouse truly hear what you are trying to communicate. The H.A.L.T. Method:

H.A.L.T. yourself from trying to talk about anything important or that could cause conflict when either of you is:

• Hungry

• Angry

• Lonely

• Tired.

If either of you is experiencing any of these … don’t say it yet! You have less success of things going in a good direction with what you are trying to discuss. Ask the Lord to show you a better time and the best way to say it.

H.A.L.T. times are troublesome in that they can close off a partner from truly hearing and listening to what you are really trying to communicate.

The GIFT EXERCISE:

Helping Couples Understand their Frustrations with Each Other
-From Soul Healing Love and How to Find Mr. or Mrs. Right

To read what this exercise involves please click onto the link provided below:

The GIFT Exercise

To read what this principle involves, we will link you to the web site of Peacemakers Ministries. Please click onto the link below to do so:

The P.A.U.S.E. Principle

PEACEFULLY RESOLVING ANGER:

(From the book, The Other Side of Love, by Dr Gary Chapman
published by Moody Press, pages 122-123)

On a 3X5 card, write the following words:

“I’m feeling angry right now but don’t worry, I’m not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is it a good time to talk?”

Put this card on the refrigerator door or some other easily accessible place. The next time you feel anger toward your spouse, run for the card. Holding it in your hand, read it to your spouse as calmly as you can.

• If it’s not “a good time to talk,” then set a time to talk.

• At the appointed time, begin the process of seeking explanation and resolution of the issue that stimulated your anger.

…When you sit down to discuss the issue, begin by saying, “I know that I could be misunderstanding this and that’s why I wanted to talk with you. Let me tell you what I am feeling and why. Then if you can clarify the situation, please do so because I need help in resolving this.” Such a beginning creates a non-threatening atmosphere in which to discuss the event that stimulated your anger.

MAKING AN ANTI-DIVORCE CONTRACT

To put this contract together, it would be helpful if you read an article written by Michael Smalley. In it, he explains the reasoning behind this principle and how to put this type of contract together. To read this article, please click onto the link provided below:

• Creating Relational Security Through an Anti-Divorce Contract