This whole situation is a particularly perplexing one because the Bible tells you that as a married couple, you are to leave your parents and cleave to each other as husband and wife (see: Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:7; and Ephesians 5:31). But when circumstances stare you in the face where you feel it is not possible to live separately from your in laws (parents), married life becomes more complicated.

How do you live out the Biblical principle to “leave and cleave” now that you are married, and yet live under the same roof in a peaceable manner with your parents (in laws)? You want to always love and “honor” your parents (in laws), because you know that is the right thing to do, but when they don’t make it easy, how do you do it?

To be quite honest, we don’t know. This may be an almost impossible situation! And yet the Bible says that with God nothing is impossible! So if there isn’t any other choice you can make in this matter, there must be a way to make this work. It may not be as peaceable or as comfortable as you want it to be, but with God’s help, you can do it.

The Bible warns us of the various tribulations we will encounter in this life. Even in married life we are told “those who marry will face many troubles in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28). Living with your parents (in laws), may be a tribulation or a “trouble” that you will need to work through with the Lord’s guidance, and strength. This could be an “iron sharpening iron” situation that the Bible talks about (Proverbs 27:17) where you have the opportunity to allow the Lord to bring out His character within you as circumstances and people rub you in a way that causes sparks. Follow the rules for Holy living that you can read in Colossians 3.

It’s true that the ideal may seem to be that you and your in laws (parents) live in separate households. But the ideal isn’t always possible. So after you have prayed, if you see that things aren’t going to change at this time, the next wisest choice is to make the best of the circumstances you are in, rather wasting energy on complaining or wishing for that which you cannot change at this point in time. There is a time to say something and there is also a time to be quiet and let God say it. (See Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.) Other times God tells us to “be content in the circumstances we find ourselves.” (See Philippians 4:12-13.) And this may be what you are facing at this time. Ask God to show you what you are to do in this season of your life.

Keep in mind that you and your spouse can still “leave” your parents in your mindset and in your attitudes — finding ways to cleave together, even if you can’t live apart from your family in your living circumstances. You just have to be more cleaver in how you make this happen — firmly placing the boundaries that are possible. The Lord can show you how to do this.

You may even have a spouse that doesn’t fully join with you in working through this situation in a “cleaving” type of way. And that is most certainly perplexing and sad because this is definitely not how God intended for marriage to work! Our hearts go out to you. But don’t give up. God is with you as you reach out to Him for help. Cry out your circumstances to Him and ask Him for continual guidance as to how to make the best of a situation that seems to be the worst!

And don’t give up if you pray and God is silent for a period of time. His silence will not be forever. It’s not that He doesn’t hear you, but there are reasons for His silence that you need to accept. He is God and His ways are not your ways. God tells us in the Bible, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:9). “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways’ declares the LORD” (Isaiah 55:8).

If you are wondering why God is not answering your prayers as quickly or in the same way you believe He should concerning this problem (or others), consider the following thoughts, which come from the teaching of Oswald Chambers from his book My Utmost for His Highest, (published by Barbour and Company). Chambers writes:

“We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith. It may be so in the initial stages; but we do not earn anything by faith. Faith brings us into right relationship with God and gives God His opportunity. God has frequently to knock the bottom board out of your experience if you are a saint in order to get you into contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, not a life of sentimental enjoyment of His blessings.

“Your earlier life of faith was narrow and intense, settled around a little sun-spot of experience, full of light and sweetness; then God withdrew His conscious blessing in order to teach you to walk by faith. You are worth more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight and thrilling testimony.

“Faith by its very nature must be tried and the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God’s character has to be cleared in our own minds. Faith in its actual working out has to go through spells of unsyllabled isolation. …Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him —I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do. ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him’ —this is the most sublime utterance of faith in the whole Bible.”

It may seem cruel of God to withdraw from you when you are dealing with so many problems, but we encourage you to understand that God has a reason why He allows certain things to happen in certain ways and at certain (or in uncertain) times. His silence may be a time when He is trusting you to live by faith at this time and to cooperate with Him in stretching your character beyond the limits of what you may think should happen. We encourage you to trust His silence and trust His heart. He loves you and knows what is ultimately best for all concerned.

If you have a spouse that recognizes the Biblical mandate to “leave and cleave” and yet you can’t physically live elsewhere at this time, ask God as a married couple to help you —even if it is something you feel you must do within your mind and actions within the same home as your family. God will lead you (at the proper time) as you lean upon Him, rather than upon that which you see right now. (See Proverbs 3:5-6.)

If you don’t have a spouse that at this time recognizes the “leave and cleave” mandate, then ask God how you are to proceed each day (hour, minute) under the constraints you find yourself living. God will be your guide. And what you see today in your spouse may actually change in the future. Trust God in this.

To help you further in this journey, we’ve searched for articles you can read that may give you insights into how to make your living situation work. We’ve found a few (and hopefully will find more in the future) that may help you. Even if your circumstances are not the same as in the articles we provide below for you to read, pray and then glean. Ask the Lord to show you what you can and cannot use, and what you can tailor in such a way that they will work in your situation. Open your heart and mind to all of the possibilities that God can show you.

Just make sure that what you use is not contrary to scripture. It is important that you are not allowing your own mind or a contrary spirit disguising itself as “angel of light” (that is working against God’s ways), to fool you. Be on the alert! (See 1 Peter 5:8-11.) Let the Bible, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, lead you into Truth in the decisions you make.

“All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17).

Ask the Lord to help you to be strong in doing what is best and right for all concerned —especially for the health of your marriage.

We want you to know that one or more of the articles, is not written from a Christian perspective. But we believe you will still find helpful things among all the articles that could help you. Let the Holy Spirit be your guide as to what you should and shouldn’t use. Please click onto the links provided below to read:

• HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR IN LAWS AND STILL LOVE THEM
• ASK THE PASTOR: LIVING WITH YOUR IN LAWS
• IN LAWS AND THE NEED FOR BOUNDARIES
• IN LAWS AND BOUNDARIES: Video Answer
  
• THE ONLY THING HARDER THAN LIVING WITH IN LAWS

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

Stephanie is not a newlywed. She has been married to Joe for 15 years. That whole time, she and Joe’s mom have silently struggled with being civil to each other. When Joe’s mom comes to visit, Stephanie really tries to get the house clean and comfortable for her. But after arriving, her mother-in-law pulls out the cleaning supplies and spit shines the bathrooms and kitchen. Stephanie assumes she’s doing this because she thinks Stephanie is a slob and lives in filth.

After the last pots-and-pans fiasco, Stephanie spilled her frustrations to Joe’s older sister, Connie. “I know your mother hates me and thinks I’m a slob and a bad person. I can’t seem to do anything to please her.”

Connie replied, “Stephanie, it’s not about you. It’s about Mom’s compulsion to have everything spotless. I grew up with her. I know her. She was like this before you and Joe even met. When she rewashes the pots and pans, it’s not condemning you — it’s simply that she had different (and what most would consider absurd) standards of what is acceptably clean. Let it go. There are bigger hills to die on.”

While Stephanie couldn’t really forget it and totally let it go, she did begin to look at her mother-in-law in a different light. She began to try to find ways to help that didn’t involve meeting her mother-in-law’s high standard of cleanliness— like running to the grocery store for milk or dropping off the dry cleaning and laundry. Stephanie will probably never have a close relationship with her mother-in-law, but these days they are much more civil to each other.

Civility Tips for Relating to In-Laws:

• Be proactive. Do what you can to build the relationship.

• Don’t compete with other family members.

• Refocus your perspective by looking for the positive.

• Accept reality.

• Focus on remaining calm. What 1 Corinthians 13 says about love can also be true for civility. This really works: Try reading the love passage and substituting the word civility or civil. If you can succeed in remaining civil, you also up your chances of remaining calm even when you are extremely upset.

The ABCs of Family Civility
Adapted from Pier Forni, Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct.

• Smile. People respond better to those who are positive.

• Be considerate. Ask yourself, “Is what I am about to say going to encourage and build up the other person, or tear him or her down?”

• Practice restraint and don’t yell or raise your voice.

• Give sincere praise.

• Have the courage to admit it when you are wrong.

• Avoid ridicule and don’t humiliate or demean the other person. You can express your anger without attacking the other person.

• Accept kindness from others and let others be nice to you.

The above article is from the book, Loving Your Relatives, by David and Claudia Arp, and John and Margaret Bell. This is a Focus on the Family book, published by Tyndale House Publishers. It’s full of practical, uplifting ideas for anyone who desires to resolve disputes and build understanding between branches of the family. The authors provide multi-generational perspectives as they address sensitive issues related to in-laws, contrasting lifestyles, blended families, etc. with real-life examples and biblical wisdom. You’ll discover how to handle differences with grace and honor, even when you don’t see eye-to-eye!

In some cultures, the in-laws, that is, ‘the extended family members’ either on the man’s side or the woman’s side, exert a very strong influence on marriages and this influence has on many occasions had a bad effect on the marriages, resulting in either sadness, regret, or even a total disintegration of the marriage.

In this article, I will try to help our young people who have been married or are planning to get married on how they can turn their relationships with their in-laws into a blessing instead of a burden.

Diverse Cultures

By the grace of God, I am an African, a Nigerian in particular and I am also married to a Nigerian lady and we have lived together as husband and wife for an unbroken 28 years (October 2007) though not without experiencing many bitter lessons. I will therefore be addressing this matter from the African context and to our African brethren and people of other cultures with similar marriage experiences about in-laws with the hope that this article will be a blessing and source of healing to your marriages.

One inherent problem in the African marriage is that our extended family members are seen as integral members of our marriages. In some cultures, members of the husband’s family see the wife of their brother or son as an addition to their family and in some cultures, they expect the wife to serve and respect every other member of the family including the youngest child of that home.

In some cultures, the wife is expected to call every other member of the family ‘my husband’ which means that she is to marry not only her husband (except in sexual matters) but the whole family. This means that if she decides to relate to her husband alone, she will incur the wrath of other members of the family who will in turn make her life miserable in that marriage.

On the other hand, the parents of a lady can be so possessive to the point that they will be manipulating her and directing her on what to do or how to marry her husband. In some extreme cases some parents may decide to move over to their daughter’s matrimonial home and live together with her and her husband or convince their daughter to bring her husband to live in their own home.

In such cases, their daughter may start by spending most time with her parents and causing the man to come visiting her most of the time in her parents home and if she becomes pregnant, they will retain her till she delivers the baby and becomes pregnant again and the cycle continues without end.

In some other cases, the brothers and or sisters of the husband may not be happy about their brother’s intention to get married because they will think that the woman will cause them to lose all the financial support which they have been enjoying, and this can lead to a serious tension between them and their brother and eventually the wife of their brother as this can go on for years if not the life time unless God intervenes.

In the case of the ladies, if they are educated, gainfully employed, into a successful business venture and wealthy, some parents, brothers and sisters of such ladies, will hardly let her go into a marriage relationship without them remote-controlling her to be their bread winner even after her marriage. They will want her to build them a house, buy them a car, train others in school or set up profitable business venture, etc, as a recompense for her training.

In some very extreme cases, some family members would prefer to retain their loved daughters at home and permit them to have children out of wedlock rather than giving her out in marriage.

These points can be a real source of trouble in any given African marriage but God has solution to every marriage problem.

1. Accept the problems as cultural problems. Although the degree of the problems differ from culture to culture even within the same country, it is very important that every intending couple accept them as real. Do not try to treat them as non-existent or you will multiply your sorrows. The scripture says, “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” This knowledge will save your marriage.

2. Discuss them before marriage. Before you say “I do”, it is wise to discuss these points with your spouse before you go to the altar. Remember that God hates divorce therefore, it is better to discuss these trouble spots and accept or reject them before you get married.

One problem that I have noticed is that either the man will say “I will change her after marriage” or the lady might say ‘let me get married first’ then I will show him my true color. Or both the man and the woman have no idea of such problems and are so deeply in love that they do not foresee any problem from the in-laws and when the problem begins to show up, they are unprepared to handle it and it tears them apart.

3. Seek the face of the Lord. Having discussed the matter together, present it to the Lord in prayer and go ahead with the relationship if the Lord approves the relationship or quit the relationship if He tells you to quit. A broken engagement is better than a divorce or a painful and sorrowful marriage.

4. If you must marry him / her, make sure that the marriage is godly and legally conducted. Avoid co-habiting. Be determined to handle the problem very maturely and positively. Throw away every form of hypocrisy or deceit. Determine in your mind to love your in-laws.

5. Be determined to live in peace with every member of your husband’s or wife’s family. It is achievable in every culture, but one problem we face is that most young people wanting to get married, have determined to have nothing to do with other members of their husband’s or wife’s family.

Therefore, even before the marriage is consummated, they are already scheming to displace every other member of their spouse’s family with the result that even their good intentions, deeds, and requests produce negative results because of the deceit and hypocrisy behind the good intention. Such people try to present themselves as good but have other plans. Try to live in peace even with the worst of your in-laws.

6. Leave and cleave. It is very important for both the man and woman to understand and accept God’s formula for a healthy marriage which is that they must determine to leave their father’s houses and cleave to one another as is clearly demanded in Genesis 2:24 and Psalm 45:10.

What God has joined together in marriage must not be put asunder by in-laws. Any man or woman who allows his or her father, mother, siblings, etc to come between his/her spouse is not wise. Put them where they belong. I do not mean that you have nothing to do with them but they must allow you to build your new family with your spouse and make sure they know that.

7. Determine to support you in-laws. The law of leaving to cleave does not mean that you must have nothing to do with the welfare of your in-laws. God expects us to extend our love to both our own family members and members of our spouse’s family to the extent that we can without grumblings and complaints for God loves a cheerful giver.

In our own marriage, we support both my family members and my in laws without discrimination to the extent that we can carry. My wife and I consult one another before taking any action and by this we have laid to rest every such problem in our marriage. Partiality, like was in the case of Joseph (in the Bible), can wreck any good marriage. Try not to be partial.

8. Do not marry a man or woman because of his/her wealth. If you marry a man or woman because of his or her wealth, you will be blinded by that fact so that you will concentrate on grabbing his or her wealth. People who marry because of the wealth of others will do everything within their power to keep the man or woman completely to him or herself and his or her own immediate family and therefore incur the wrath of his or her in-laws.

We must understand that, in the African and similar contexts, both families become one by marriage. We must therefore endeavor to balance our treatment of both families. The man and his wife become one by marriage so they should care for both family needs (i.e. that of the husband and his wife) to the extent that they can cheerfully do without grumblings because God loves a cheerful giver.

1. ABRAHAM —Abraham was a father in-law that wanted the best for both his son and daughter in-law.

2. LEBAN —Leban was a selfish father in-law who was willing to keep his son in-law to himself for life as his servant with little wages. Leban’s desire was to keep Jacob perpetually in his own home so he could continue to manipulate and retain him.

3. JETHRO —Jethro, despite being a Midian Priest (an unbeliever) was a father in-law who wanted his son in-law’s success. He kept his son in-law’s family when the situation required it and released them at the appropriate time. He also cared about the welfare and success of his son in-law and gave him a wise counsel and brought success to his ministry (business).

4. NAOMI —Naomi was a godly mother in-law who showed love and care for her daughter in-law and gave her useful counsel that gave her a befitting husband. She did not determine to keep her all to herself but let her have her freedom away from her. She did not meddle with Ruth’s marriage.

5. RUTH —Here is an excellent example of a daughter in-law to be desired. She proved that her marriage to her late husband was not dependent on anything he had, but was based purely on love. Her love continued to radiate after her husband’s death and extended to her aged mother in-law to the extent that she took good care of her and God blessed her.

6. JACOB —Jacob was a determined son in-law who was prepared to go an extra mile to have the love of his life. He was ready to die for Rachel but he had his bad spot. He cheated his father in-law in his business venture. May your son in-law rather work for your progress than your downfall in Jesus’ name.

7. JUDITH AND BASEMATH (Gen. 26:34-35) —These were the wives of Esau, Isaac and Rebekah’s daughter in-laws and the Bible says of them, “They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah.” Are you such a daughter in-law?

8. ORPAH (Ruth 1:14) —She had emotions for her mother in-law but not strong enough to overcome her selfish ambition. She was not prepared for further suffering with an old mother in-law who had no chance of having more sons. She preferred the luxury of her comfort zone. Is this a picture of you?

9. BOAZ (Ruth 2-4) —He cared both for the security and welfare of both Elimelech’s properties and family. He was prepared to give hope to a daughter in-law, Ruth. He did and God blessed their union. May God give us more Boaz’s in Jesus’ name.

10. THE KINSMAN-REDEEMER (Ruth 4:1-8) —He had interest only in acquiring more property to add to what he already had but not in the welfare of a daughter in-law, Ruth. Some near relatives desire their late brothers’ properties and not the welfare of their daughter in-laws. In some African cultures they would confiscate their late brothers’ properties and leave the widow or daughter in-law without an inheritance. These kinds of in-laws still exist in our days. But may they never come our way. Amen.

I will not conclude this article without a mention of the spiritual aspect of the in-law’s problem in marriage. Africans practice witchcraftry and some African women use their witchcraftry to manipulate their sons/daughters marriages.

Some True Examples:

1. A certain mother was spiritually carrying her daughter at her back thereby making it physically impossible for suitors to propose marriage to her daughter because, rather than notice the beautiful young virgin; suitors will always see the old woman as they behold the lady. Physically her daughter was walking freely while she was having her on her back spiritually so that no man could notice her and propose marriage to her.

This was discovered through prayer and she was confronted before she let her off her back and she got married after being assured that her daughter will take care of her after marriage. The daughter’s husband knew it and complied with the promise. When confronted by the pastor, she confessed that she did it because she feared that her daughter would not come for her if she got married.

2. Another mother in-law was using a spiritual belt to tie the pregnancy of her daughter in-law and giving her much pain perhaps with the intention to abort the baby because she did not approve of her marriage with her son. This was also discovered through prayer and her daughter in-law was delivered.

3. Another mother in-law spoke out loud beside her sick pregnant daughter in-law’s hospital bed and said ‘if she wants to die, let her die and leave my son alone’. She hated her daughter in-law because she wanted her son to marry another lady. This wicked mother in-law is late now and this hated wife (daughter in-law) is the bread winner of the family today.

4. In some cases, it may be a strong family tie rather than spiritual manipulation that causes trouble between husband and wife. Such husband or wife should be honest with herself or himself and confess it to his or her spouse and their pastor and seek deliverance from such family ties.

Some husbands and wives behave abnormally, not because they love to do so, but because they are being manipulated spiritually by their diabolical parents, or have very strong family ties that must be broken.

Therefore, if you have sought counsel and done everything you believe would help you regain your spouse’s love and attention to no avail, I recommend that you seek out a minister of God who can help you with prayers to deliver your spouse from every evil bondage, imprisonment, or family ties, for God to restore your marriage.

Conclusion

In conclusion, let me ask you a question. Are you a son or daughter in-law? Would you like to have godly mother, father, brother, and sister in-laws? If you answered yes to the above questions, the next question to answer is: are you a godly, lovely son or daughter in-law? Do you give trouble to your in-laws? Decide right now to be good to every member of your husband or wife’s family.

Stop being like Esau’s two wives who were a source of trouble to Isaac and Rebekah.

Are you a father or mother in-law? Are you troubling your son or daughter in-law? Are you manipulating their marriage and giving them trouble instead of peace? What will be your gain by so doing? Would you have wanted someone to trouble your own marriage? If not, I urge you in the name of our Lord Jesus to repent now and let your son / daughter enjoy his/her marriage.

Prayer

I pray that this God who gave me a sweet, happy, healthy and successful marriage with a wonderful (in-laws) relationship will do so for you in Jesus’ name. Amen.

The above article is written by Israel Ikpeka. He and his wife Elizabeth live in Nigeria and are Co-Presidents of Family Life Ministries and Freedom Bible College and Seminary. To obtain contact information, you can visit his web site at http://www.freedomministries.com/lagos.html. Concerning his marriage, Israel says the following: “My wife and I are very much incompatible in almost every way. But God has helped us to master our areas of incompatibilities and rather than let them separate us, we handle them as good friends to the shame of Satan and the peace of our family.”

We receive quite a few letters each year from those who are married who are running into difficulties in dealing with sibling in laws, and sisters and brothers. Sometimes these siblings are too vocal or mean-spirited in what they say and do. They can be vindictive in how they act towards the spouse of their sibling and cause trouble.

Others stay to visit too long so the spouse feels imposed upon and worn out.

Other siblings expect financial support from their older male sibling and expect him to physically help them repeatedly at the sacrifice of his own family.

There are various situations that can come in to play. But in each case the one spouse is “at odds” with the other spouse because of the bond that siblings have had with each other through the years.

To help you with this issue, we found a few online articles that may give you some insight. We encourage you to pray and glean through the information — applying what you can use and disregarding the rest. Please click onto the links provided below to read:

• FAMILY FEUDS

• IN LAW CONFLICT: He Said … She Said

• SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS WITH FAMILY

• PEACE ON EARTH?

However, we want to know what wise and godly (Biblically-based) advice you would give to those who are dealing with sibling in laws and/or extended family who are causing problems in their marriage? (Please scroll to the bottom of the page to leave your advice or comments.)

Don’t give advice unless the young couple specifically asks for it. Even if they ask your opinion, be careful how the counsel is given. Do not preach or lecture. Instead, simply suggest solutions, giving the couple freedom to accept or reject them.

Don’t offer financial aid unless the young couple explicitly requests it. It is important for the couple to establish their independence— emotionally and financially. As difficult as it may be to watch your child and his or her spouse face financial struggles, realize that those trials are valuable for them as they develop their life together.

Keep your personal questions to a minimum. Remember, a couple’s primary allegiance should be to each other, not to either set of parents. The new couple needs privacy in order to develop a meaningful relationship.

Respect the couple’s confidence when they confide in you. Don’t repeat what they have told you to friends or other relatives, or you may lose their trust — and rightfully so.

Don’t expect the new couple to live according to your standards and values. Your child and his or her spouse are individuals starting their own home. They need to develop their own family traditions, independent of those observed by their parents.

Let go of your offspring, giving the couple room to live their own lives. Rather than living through your children’s lives, find activities of your own. Don’t expect the couple to spend excessive amounts of time with you. Only by letting go will you be able to build a healthy relationship with them.

Treat the couple with respect, and don’t belittle them or their decisions. They may have a lot to learn, but they need to learn these lessons themselves. Allow them to make their own mistakes, and don’t adopt an “I-told-you-so” attitude if they fail.

Don’t expect your in-law to call you “Mom” or “Dad.” He or she may feel most comfortable using your first names. Accept the decision gracefully — don’t make a major issue out of it.

Take a genuine interest in your new in-law as a person. Try to find out about his or her interests. Attempt to relate to your in-law in a meaningful way and on his or her terms

Don’t treat your in-law as a rival who has stolen your child’s love. Welcome the new addition into your family— you’ll multiply the love, rather than divide it.

The above article, originally titled, Establishing Good In-Law Relations, is offered from the ministry of Focus on the Family as an informational page (offered on their web site as well as in physical form) for those who ask for help on this issue. Focus on the Family is a wonderful ministry that reaches out to help families throughout the world. Their mission is “to cooperate with the Holy Spirit in disseminating the Gospel of Jesus Christ to as many people as possible, and, specifically, to accomplish that objective by helping to preserve traditional values and the institution of the family.” They have several wonderful web sites you can visit to learn all kinds of valuable information. Two of them being: www.family.org and www.troublewith.com.

But he wasn’t eight anymore and this pain wasn’t a skinned knee. She knew that she couldn’t solve his marital problems, but she did have a perspective she decided to share with him.

“Jake, I appreciate your telling me this. I know it is serious and is causing you a lot of pain. I also know that in the first year of marriage, many couples have similar problems. Those who make it deal with their problems in a realistic way. The couples who don’t make it are the ones who sweep their problems under the rug, trying to act as if they don’t exist. In reality, the problems just get larger.

“Sharing this with me is a first step. Now I want to encourage you to take a second. I’m not the one to give you marriage counseling, but that’s what you and Jenny need. There is a counselor on our church staff; and I also know two good ones downtown. If money is a problem, Dad and I will be willing to take care of the expense. The important thing is that both of you talk to someone with skills in helping couples work through such difficulties. Don’t let it go on or it will just get worse.”

Jake replied, “I don’t know if she will go for counseling. She would be horrified if she knew I was talking to you about this.”

“Then perhaps you can tell her that you are going for counseling because you must have some help in dealing with your own struggle,” his mother answered, “and that you would like her to go with you. She may go because she wants the counselor to hear her side of the story. But, if she doesn’t, you go alone. At least you will get the process started and she may join you later. Your problem isn’t going to go away by itself, and you need someone to help you work through it.”

Jake agreed, and when he drove home, he felt better than when he came. At least he knew the first step to take.

Jenny was reluctant, but she did go with Jake to the counselor, and in the months that followed they both learned a great deal about how to meet each other’s needs and build an authentic marriage. During the counseling he realized he was failing to meet Jenny’s emotional need for love. She desired quality time with him, but his job was so demanding that she often spent her evenings alone. She had finally decided that she might as well be with her mother as to stay home by herself.

During months of counseling, they came to understand each other better and made some significant changes. Jenny began to respond differently to her parents’ requests, particularly when she and Jake had already made plans. Jake learned how to meet Jenny’s need for love and to make more time for her. They have now been married five years and have a mutually fulfilling relationship.

A NEW TITLE, A NEW RELATIONSHIP: When your child marries, the relationship you have had is bound to change, as you move to embrace his or her spouse. These extended connections can bring you great happiness, or they can rain on your parade. The outcome is partly determined by your response to them.

After your child decides to marry, you acquire a new title: in-law. Not only do you have a son- or daughter-in-law who directly influences your child, but you also become related to people who will indirectly influence your adult child as they continue to influence their own married child. In addition, you may soon have another title: grandparent, and you will share your grandchildren with your son- or daughter-in-law’s parents. And, if your son or daughter chooses to marry someone who already has children, you become instant grandparents.

BETSY’S WISE ADVICE: Thus your response to these new relationships can bring you happiness or heartache, joy or jealousy. Jake’s mother was extremely wise in her responses to Jake’s complaint about Jenny. In her counsel we can find several positive principles on how we parents can respond to the marital difficulties experienced by many young adults.

First, she took the problem seriously. She didn’t brush it off by saying, “Oh, it can’t be that bad. You’re just overreacting. Take her out to dinner and she’ll be all right.” She didn’t say, “Why don’t you just talk to Jenny about this? I’m sure if she realized what you’re feeling, she would change.” Nor did she suggest, “Just give her some time and be patient. I’m sure it will all work out.” The fact is that marital problems don’t “just work out.” Our high divorce statistics are stark reminders that problems unattended get worse. As concerned parents, we should respond to signs of marital problems.

Second, she didn’t take sides. You can become involved without saying one spouse (usually your child) is right and the other is wrong. You don’t have all the facts, and to take sides could alienate the other spouse. Note that Betsy didn’t tell Jake that it was his fault, nor did she blame Jenny. Instead, she remained neutral. Seldom can the responsibility for marital conflict be laid at the feet of one partner; generally, both husband and wife have done and said things to compound the problem. Both need insight into the dynamics of their relationship and then need to learn to take corrective steps in creating a different climate in which their conflicts can be resolved. When parents take sides, they only add to the problems.

Third, she waited until Jake come to her for advice. As a parent, don’t offer advice until you’re asked. Be willing to give counsel, but wait until such counsel is requested. Betsy might have rushed in with suggestions after she first sensed something was wrong. However, had she offered advice then, Jake might have become defensive and then not turned to her later for help. The best guideline is to wait until your married children ask for help. At that point, they are more likely to follow your suggestions.

Fourth, she offered a course of action that was specific and doable. As parents, we can give recommendations, but we should be specific. Depending on the situation, you may recommend professional counseling, seeing a financial planner, or setting up a budget. Betsy recommended counseling; she also removed the possible hurdle of finances by offering to help. While she didn’t force Jake to take action, she told him why she believed it would be wise.

Significantly, Betsy talked with her husband about her conversation with Jake. The two determined that their relationship with the young couple would continue just as it had been. No questions, no blame, no changed attitudes toward Jenny or her parents. Wise parents do not seek to solve the problems of their married children. They are there to make loving suggestions if these are asked for, but they don’t impose themselves on their children’s lives. They give their children space to build their own lives. They allow them the freedom to say no to invitations or requests that conflict with their plans or wishes. They relate to their children in ways that will foster their growth as individuals and as a couple.

As a parent and an in-law, your goal should be to support your child and his or her mate. Welcome your son- or daughter-in-law into the family with open arms. when asked, give advice. You’ll always remain a parent; become a friend.

We want them to be able to stand on their own feet and operate as mature persons under God. We have taught them how to cook meals, wash dishes, make beds, buy clothes, save money, and make responsible decisions. We have taught them respect for authority and the value of the individual. In short, we have sought to bring them to maturity.

At the time of their marriage, our training ends and their independence reaches fruition. It is hoped that we have helped them move from a state of complete dependence on us, when infants, to complete independence as newlyweds. From this point, we must view them as adults who will chart their own course for better or for worse. We must never again impose our will upon them. We must respect them as equals.

This does not mean that we will no longer help them, but it means that all help must be given in a responsible manner that will enhance independence rather than dependence. That is, if we give financial help it should be with a view toward helping them attain their freedom from our support rather than making them dependent on it. We should not help them establish a lifestyle that they cannot afford to maintain.

The cardinal sin of parents is to use financial assistance to coerce the young couple into conforming to the parents’ wishes: “We will buy you a bedroom suite if you move into the house next door.” Gifts are fine if they are given out of love without strings attached, but gifts that are conditional become tools rather than gifts. Parents must diligently guard against such temptation.

Certainly, parents should feel freedom to give advice to the young couple (though it is always best to wait until advice is requested). Even so, parents should not seek to force their advice on a couple. Give suggestions if they are requested or if you feel you must, but then withdraw and allow the couple freedom to make their own decision.

Most important, do not express resentment if they do not happen to follow your suggestion. Give them the advantage of your wisdom but the freedom to make their own mistakes.

A newly married couple needs the emotional warmth that comes from a wholesome relationship with both sets of parents, and parents need the emotional warmth that comes from the couple. Life is too short to live with broken relationships. The principle of confession and forgiveness applies to in-laws as well as to marriage partners.

We do not have to agree with each other in order to have a wholesome relationship, but bitterness and resentment are always wrong (Ephesians 4:31). Mutual freedom and mutual respect should be the guiding principle for parents and their married children.

The above article comes from the book, Toward a Growing Marriage, by Dr Gary Chapman, published by Moody Press, www.moodypublishers.com. This book is divided into two sections: Premarital Growth and Marital Growth. The first section is designed for people who are in the process of becoming the kind of persons who will be “fitting,” or “suitable,” marriage partners. The second section speaks to those couples who have already said “I do” and are now trying to fulfill that commitment. The engaged couple should work through the entire book before marriage and then review the Marital section within the first six months of marriage. Couples who have been married for longer periods of time will find the Marital section a stimulus to their own marital growth, and the Premarital section helpful as they counsel the unmarried.

Realize that times have changed —not scriptural values. Your children may live in nicer housing than you did at the same age. Your children may leave their children with childcare far more often than you did. Avoid developing a critical attitude. Criticism will wound your children. No one enjoys being with a critical person. Over time your children may begin to distance themselves from you, and you may destroy your opportunity to watch them grow to maturity and to enjoy them as friends.

It is wise to say to your children, “Listen to what I say, and then do as you please.” This assures you of always having the freedom to offer advice and suggestions based on your experience, yet it assures your children that they can make their own decisions. This leaves the door of communication open for all of you. Allow them to then do as they please without further unsolicited advice or an “I-told-you-so” attitude.

Remember this: Criticizing your children or their spouses will only drive them away from you. If it continues, they will avoid you and will dread their times with you. Think before using the statements, “You never.” and “You always…” Also, don’t do something nice for your children, and then remind them of it. Sometimes it is best to just drop a subject than to cause conflict.

Don’t forget to be sensitive to their need for privacy. If you live in close proximity, call before you visit and don’t overstay your welcome or visit too often. Instead, establish a visiting pattern that fits everyone. Exchange visits at appropriate times.

When grandchildren come, more communication will be required. Exchanged visits then become even more important. Never assume your children won’t mind if you just drop over, especially early in marriage. When both husband and wife work, their time in the evenings and on weekends may be their only time for privacy. Be as considerate of them as you would your other friends.

Make sure your daughter-in-law or son-in-law feels welcome in your home and with your family. Balance your gifts equally to your married children and their spouses. Treat them as part of the family and they will be. If you do, God will use you in their lives in ways you would never dream. This may be their first opportunity to observe mature Christian parents. Fathers, it would be a good idea to initiate time with your son-in-law so the daughter can spend time with her mom.

Finally, many couples today have several sets of in-laws if their parents have been divorced. This obviously can cause problems, especially around the holidays. If this is the case with you, allow your children and spouses to visit all the parents involved.

With serenity and love, you can become a source of joy to your children all the days of your lives.

•  3 HEALTHY STEPS FOR NEW IN-LAWS

1. Don’t complain to your spouse about the person to whom you have trouble relating. It won’t help for you to complain about your mother-in-law to your husband, her son. Sons have said, “I wish my wife wouldn’t complain to me about Mom, and how bad she is. I know she can get overly involved at times, but she’s my mother and I don’t really like anyone bad-mouthing her.”

Neither will it help if the mother-in-law complains to her son about his wife, or to her husband about their daughter-in-law. I’ve heard fathers-in-law say, “I wish she wouldn’t try to enlist my support for her cause. I don’t feel the way she does and besides. I get along all right with my daughter-in-law.”

2. Be sure to include your in-laws in significant family events. Even if the others live so far away they could never attend, they would appreciate being thought of. Purposeful exclusion because of problems and hurts serves only to deepen the distance between everyone.

3. Give the grandparents plenty of time with their grandchildren. Remember that they can enjoy and learn from one another. If the parents have a concern over different styles of discipline, safety features, health factors, differences in lifestyles and philosophies of living, these should be discussed together—including the most awkward and painful.

I heard of a family in which the father-in-law had sexually abused his own daughters. It had never been reported, and the mother-in-law wasn’t aware of it. When this young couple had a daughter, the two sisters-in-law told them about what had happened, and expressed their concern. For years this couple worked on making sure their daughter was never left alone nor stayed overnight with the in-laws. The mother-in-law could never understand, and the relationship became very strained. I don’t know if the issue was ever resolved.

4. Don’t interfere in disagreements. I have seen both the parents-in-law as well as the younger couple appeal to the other to take their side in an argument. It doesn’t work. Keep your conflicts and resolution in your own family. Avoid triangular patterns; for example, going through one person to communicate with the other.

5. Respect each other’s privacy, and the amount of time the other family would like to spend alone. Don’t invite yourself to outings and get-togethers. And if you weren’t invited, don’t pry or make comments about it. Assume that the event didn’t involve you, that there was a legitimate reason not to invite you, or that it was an unintentional oversight. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

6. When your in-laws do something that is really upsetting, discuss it with them. Reinforce all the behaviors that you appreciate, and don’t dwell on those that are different or that you don’t understand.

All of you are joining a foreign culture in a sense. Just as people in a blended family who have children from different marriages may take 5 to 6 years to adjust to each other, count on in-law relationships taking at least that long. Give the relationship time to grow.

7. If you find some interests in common, enjoy them. If not, accept the fact without trying to force the other to like what you like. Do not feel obligated to engage in activities you couldn’t care less about. Don’t compare any other in-law style with your own.

8. Don’t blame any in-law for a problem that you may have in your own marriage. And don’t blame them when your spouse isn’t as supportive of you as you’d wish. It will only spread your difficulties to others.

9. Be sensitive about informational boundaries. Some questions just don’t need to be asked. Don’t get into how much each other earns, what you pay for major (and even minor) items, how much interest you’re paying, what you give to the church and so on, unless both parties are comfortable with the discussion and agree that it won’t affect the relationship. Before asking a question on a sensitive topic, ask yourself, “Is this going to benefit the relationship? Is it something I need to know?”

10. Anticipate that your relationship will grow and continually improve. One of the best ways for this to happen is to ask how you can pray for each other, and to let the other know you’re doing just that.

Being of the Same Mind

One last suggestion remains. Actually it’s not a suggestion, but a directive written by the apostle Paul as directed by God. Think what could happen if these words guided our relationships!

• “Fill up and complete my joy by living in harmony and being of the same mind and one purpose, having the same love, being in full accord and one harmonious mind and intention. Do nothing from factional motives —through contentiousness, strife, selfishness or for unworthy ends—or prompted by conceit and empty arrogance. Instead, in the true spirit of humility (lowliness of mind) let each regard the others as better than and superior to himself—thinking more highly of one another than you do of yourselves.

Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely' his own interests, but also each for the interests of others. Let this same attitude and purpose and [humble] mind be in you which was in Christ Jesus. —Let Him be your example in humility” (Philippians 2:2-5).

• “Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has freely forgiven you, so must you also [forgive]“ (Colossians 3:13).

• “And whatever you do—no matter what it is—in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus and in [dependence upon] His Person, giving praise to God the Father through Him” (Colossians 3:17).

QUESTION: My wife had a wonderful relationship with her mother all the years she was growing up-that is, until my wife became a Christian. Now her parents are openly hostile toward us, and communication is virtually impossible. Even though we love her family and continue to get together with them, my wife is really distressed over the fracture in this relationship. What can we do?

Answer: Most likely one of two things is going on in your fractured relationship. The first is referred to in the New Testament as “the offense of the cross” (Galatians 5:11). Your wife’s parents may fear Christian faith because of the implications it has for their own lives. They might be resisting Christianity because they don’t want to change their behaviors and lifestyle.

But it’s more common for people to react negatively due to a false understanding of Jesus Christ and Christianity. Your in-laws appear to be hostile to the Christian faith, but their definition of Christianity may have been twisted by unfortunate experiences with people who claimed to be Christians but whose actions were repugnant.

A man once accosted me after a church service to announce, “I don’t believe in God, and I hate churches.” I said, “Tell me what God you don’t believe in. Maybe I don’t believe in Him either.” The man described his mother’s family, who had all participated in a backwoods folk religion full of contradictions, legalisms and heresies. “If Christianity were presented to me on that level, I wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot pole!” I told him. “But do you have the time, the energy, and the honesty to really examine the New Testament?”

We spent a couple of hours together and parted amicably. This man wasn’t fighting against God, but against a caricature of Him.

When it comes to talking about Christianity with a person who is fighting against a warped idea of our faith, it’s like trying to untangle a big knot by pulling on one end of the string. The more you try —especially by arguing or defending-the tighter the knot gets. The only way to untangle the knot is with authenticity.

Your life will have to show the difference between genuine Christianity and your in-laws’ false understanding of it. It sounds as if you and your wife are already on the right track, since you continue to love her parents and get together with them.

There comes a time, especially in family relationships, to quit talking about one’s Christianity and just live it. Then let the Holy Spirit do His work. Over time, the quality of your lives will have an effect on your in-laws.

Perhaps they’ll find themselves saying, “Well, I can’t stand religious people. But my daughter is a Christian, and she really is a lovely person and a wonderful daughter. She’s an exception to the rule.”

Sooner or later, they may realize there could be many such “exceptions” and that their analysis of Christianity has been unfair.

The above article appeared in the book, The Healthy Marriage Handbook, published by Broadman & Holman Publishers. In this insightful book you’ll find more than 200 confidential, personal questions that real people asked the editors of Marriage Partnership. “It’s almost like having a trusted, wise couple come alongside—ready at a moment’s notice to help you safely clear the inevitable hurdles husbands and wives encounter. This advice is offered with compassion and understanding, and most important, based on the counsel of God’s Word, the Bible.”

Jay Kessler is the former president and current chancellor for Taylor University in Upland, Indiana. He has been a pastor and also served as president of Youth for Christ.

So much changes for a family when the adult children fall in love and marry. Suddenly there are new members who, by decree of law and circumstance, are expected to be embraced and included into the fold. By all means, the challenge is a daunting one, especially for mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.

Even though the mother-in-law may have had no direct input into her son’s decision of who and when to marry, other than years of intense prayer for her child’s mate-to-be, the fact remains that the family experience is definitely impacted by the soul-mate selection made by her offspring.

In the same way, the daughter-in-law who may have chosen to join with her husband in holy matrimony has to face the challenge of being joined in a holy alliance with the rest of his family. By the sheer nature of the relationship she is expected to melt into a household of folks that are often unfamiliar and at times very different from her family of origin.

The reality is that every holiday, every special occasion, even the continuance of the coming generations pivot on the choice to unite families through marriage. Whether the parents-in-law or the adult children realize it or not, the choices that are made are life-altering for the entire family.

For most parents, the grace to love and enfold these new family-members-by-law is a mere continuum of the parental love they enjoy with their own kids. However, there are those situations that may require an attitude adjustment. Inevitably, embarrassing moments and even outright conflicts occur in in-law relationships. Sometime the problem happens not out of a vindictive, hateful motive, but simply out of ignorance or insensitivity.

The following is an account of an older-but-wiser daughter-in-law who has struggled with her share of conflicting situations with an alcoholic mother-in-law. There are principles of conduct illustrated by the restraint and the positive actions of this woman named Amelia that will help in dealing with conflicts.

When my mother-in-law would come to visit us, I never knew who was going to show up. It all depended on how much she’d had to drink. Since she was an alcoholic, we soon discovered that her personality varied, thus her behavior was greatly influenced by how much liquor she’d consumed. In a strange way, it really helped to have something else to blame rather than to just assume she didn’t love her son or his family.

My mother-in-law was a very complicated person. Although I found it terribly irritating when she introduced me to her friends as her “fat daughter-in-law,” I tried to look past her steely, gruff, ill-mannered ways. It was mostly out of respect for my husband’s feelings that I was willing to put up with so much mistreatment.

I made a concerted effort to look behind the scenes at her behavior. Even though there was no excuse for being so rude, I had to acknowledge that she had lived a very hard life. She was widowed twice, raised by a mean, hateful father, and neglected by a distracted mother. Her children had all moved away from her, and understandably so. Still she was a sad, lonely old woman who had put up a thick wall to keep out the hurt. But to her detriment, the barriers that she erected to protect herself from harm unintentionally deflected any love that happened to come her way.

It wasn’t until after she died that I realized she’d never let any of us get to know the person she really was. Sadly she died very suddenly. We went into her house to tend to her affairs the same day she died. To our astonishment, we found posted notes all around the house. Over the kitchen sink was a notation reminding her to pray for her grandson. In the bathroom, tacked to the mirror was a reminder to pray for her granddaughter. On and on the notes were placed. Everyone in her family had a special spot, were she would lift them up to the Lord in prayer.

It’s so strange, we thought. As many times as we had visited her, we had never seen what was gong on in her heart and in her home after we left. Even though she put up a facade of distance, we now realize she really did love her family the best way she could.

After hearing Amelia’s account, I asked her, “What did you do over the years to overcome the conflicts you experienced with your mother-in-law?” She shared what I’ve come to call the 3 keys to overcoming conflict.

KEY 1: KEEP YOUR DISTANCE:

“As much as I desired for my mother-in-law to be a part of our family, to know her grandchildren and enjoy her life, I came to realize that there are some people you just have to keep at arm’s length. Try as you might when that person is a destructive presence in your life you have to take measures toward self-preservation.”

Amelia’s first step toward making peace with her mother-in-law was an excellent example of the biblical model found in Romans 12:14-21. That passage offers some incredible wisdom for all who encounter ongoing conflicts with others. It reads:

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

This admonition from God’s Word offers some incredibly important wisdom for anyone who encounters ongoing conflict with others. God acknowledges that there are some people who will refuse to be pleasant and peaceable. This verse is not an excuse to stop trying to show love toward a disagreeable in-law. An individual can do all the praying in the world, but if the other person refuses to listen to God, then the fact must be faced that there is a limit to what can be done to reach her heart.

Even with this passage in mind, Amelia continued to keep in touch with her mother-in-law. She said,

“Our family sent cards on her birthday, gifts for the holidays, called her on a regular basis, and visited her as much as we thought wise. When we went to see her, we tried to keep her limitations in mind. Since she was used to being alone, we knew that bringing small children into her home made her nervous. She worried about her knickknacks getting broken, so we decided it was best if we met in a more ‘child friendly’ environment. The McDonald’s playground became a comfortable spot for a short, noisy visit. The children could eat, play, and make messes, and it didn’t harm our relationship. Sometimes we would choose to meet at a local park. There she was free to watch the children play without concern for her flower garden, her pets, or her possessions.”

This daughter-in-law must be commended for her unselfish efforts at bridging the in-law gap. Much to her credit, she had learned that “keeping her distance” physically didn’t necessitate cutting the mother-in-law off from their love.

KEY 2: KEEP YOUR TONGUE:

Thankfully, Amelia’s story contains a second step to overcoming conflict. Along with keeping a safe distance and taking precautions to make what time that is spent together pleasant, it is also imperative that we keep a watch over words. Amelia continued,

“After my mother-in-law died, I was especially glad I had bitten my tongue on more than one occasion. Believe me, I can’t count how many times I wanted to blast right back at her when she said things to me that hurt my feelings. Of course, I didn’t like her critical spirit when it was aimed my way, but nothing upset me more than when she would berate my husband. Keeping my tongue in control was, and is, one of the most serious lessons in humility I have dealt with. There were times when everything in me would want to scream, ‘You can’t talk to me like that.’ However, I discovered that when I was willing to hold back revengeful, cutting words, God then would supply the strength to control them.’”

Amelia was a living example of one who wisely accepted the truth found in Proverbs 18:21: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” When we’re willing to humble ourselves before the Lord and submit to the authority of His Word by obeying it, then we are in the best position possible. Isaiah 66:2 says, “But to this one I will look, to him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word.”

KEY 3: KEEP SMILING:

When it comes to family relationships, what Amelia finally chose to do reminds us that we have access to a divine alternative that has the potential to heal weary hearts. Ultimately, she realized she could either learn to laugh at her unpleasant situation or she could lambaste the one who was stepping on her toes during her tedious in-law dance.

Though not always easy to find, Amelia managed to root out some lighter moments in her relationship with her mother-in-law. By doing so, the heaviness of tension was relieved somewhat.

“My efforts to bring some levity into the situation was sort of one-sided. Not much humor came my way. Instead, I was regular in delivering ‘the goods.’ I began to cut out funny stories out of magazines, cartoons out of newspapers, and copied humorous e-mails that others would send me. When I’d go visit, I’d take an envelope stuffed with funnies and give them to her. Sometimes she’d read them while I was there and, to my amazement, I’d hear her quietly chuckle at a few of the things. It was somehow medicinal to hear her when she tentatively giggled. To be honest, the humor I found from it all was just knowing that I really did ‘get to her.’”

We all have the same choice that Amelia had. The book of Proverbs gives us some good reasons to keep a sense of humor. Chapter 15, verse 13 reminds us that “a joyful heart makes a cheerful face.” Forget about the laugh lines and go for it! Also we are told in verse 15, “A cheerful heart has a continual feast.” It’s O.K. to keep laughing because a “joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22).

Keep in mind this truth I once heard:

We serve a God who is more than able to change our misery into a ministry.
He is able to transform our every test into a testimony.
And He is the Master of taking our helpless mess and turning it into a message of hope.

Don’t let a difficult situation with your in-laws rob you of your joy and sense of humor. Set up the boundaries of love and live by them, even if the other one keeps stepping over the line.

As we learn to get along with our extended families, we should be blessed to know that in-laws are another way God provides more folks with whom we can give and receive love.

In this book Annie Chapman describes the often delicate relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law as a dance. She, very candidly discusses the twists and turns of this connection and provides practical advice to help you better relate with your mother- or daughter-in-law. Drawing on years of experience, real-life input from other women through hundreds of conversations with women and specially designed questionnaires, and solid biblical insights that will encourage your own spiritual growth, Annie reveals potential missteps to watch out for, and practical ideas to help you create more positive interactions with your in-law.

Q: My mother-in-law seems to have so much sway with my husband, more than I have sometimes. Recently we were considering a career move that would have taken us hundreds of miles away. My husband’s mother told him, “What’s really important to you, career or your family?” The guilt trip she laid on him made the decision for us. How can I tactfully tell her to back off?

A: You can’t; so don’t try. A friend once told me, “A word to the wise is unnecessary.” The only person (besides herself) who can tell this woman anything might be your husband (her son). But even that could be a lose-lose scenario if your mother-in-law gets the idea that you’re behind it. So don’t have a conversation that could alienate the two of you for the rest of your marriage.

Another reason to avoid telling her off is that you don’t want to force your husband into a painful choice. His loyalty to you could cause him either to distance himself from his family or to have to endure his mother’s punishing remarks for years. He’s bound to resent that wedge driven between you and his family and even resent you, who in some ways caused it.

Ideally your husband should respond to his mom’s “suggestions” tactfully and firmly with a comment like, “Mom, I hear what you’re saying. Nancy and I will talk and pray about this. These are decisions we make together.” In this way he’s doing what the Bible says — “leaving” his father and mother and “cleaving” to his own wife.

Your role as daughter-in-law is a tough one. It may sound old-fashioned to suggest that you must have a deferential, even submissive, attitude toward your mother-in-law, but it’s a biblical pattern.

Ask God to give you patience and grace to respond lovingly in the face of her tyrannical behavior, and ask God to soften her heart toward you. Who knows how God will use your gracious behavior in this woman’s life?

I’ve heard of wretched mothers-in-law who, when facing tragedy or illness, turn to the in-law who has shown grace and strength over the years. This is “turning the other cheek” and “doing good to those who despitefully use you.” It’s a way of loving your enemy. It sounds like a weak response, but it takes a lot of strength to respond in a Christ-like way.

Meanwhile, build your teamwork with your husband so he gets accustomed to making decisions, big and small, with your good input. Maybe part of his problem is that he’s still learning how to work as a partner with you. You can’t do much about the mother-in-law, but you should do everything you can to be a solid teammate with your husband.

As his comfort level grows, he will be more likely to make decisions that are informed by your input, not his mother’s.

The above advice was written by Dr Jay Kesler, in a question and answer feature called, “Couple Counsel” that appeared in the Winter 1999 issue of Partnership Magazine www.marriagepartnership.com. We highly recommend this publication. It has many interesting and helpful articles and also has an e-magazine feature that you may want to check out!

The word “power” means “the possession of control, authority or influence over others.” The Oxford English Dictionary defines authority as “power or right to enforce obedience… the right to command or give an ultimate decision.” Although a power struggle in a family doesn’t mean anyone actually has this power, people often act as though they have it—and the difficulties often go unresolved.

When a problem with parents or in-laws occurs, take the time to move from an emotional response to a thinking response. When you’re able to do this, and to do it together, you’ll be able to consider options and alternatives.

Whether about vacations or many other issues, in-law relationships often involve criticism. If you’re criticized, stop what you’re doing and look directly at the other person. By giving him or her your undivided attention, the irritation may be lessened.

Listen to what the person has to say. “He who answers a matter before he hears the facts, it is folly and shame to him” (Proverbs 18:13). Try to hear what the person is really saying—what’s behind the remarks. You may discover that you’re merely the object of the other person’s pent-up frustration, and that nothing personal is intended.

Accept the criticism as the other person’s way of seeing things. From her perspective, her interpretation is accurate. And she could be right—so don’t just write off the complaint. If she exaggerates, don’t get hung up on attempting to correct her at this time.

If the person criticizing you asks why you did what you did, or why you do something a certain way, don’t always feel you must give your reasons. Giving your reasons to others puts them at an advantage. They now know where they can attack you. You could say, “I just prefer doing it this way,” or, “Well, I’m not sure my reasons are that crucial; tell me more about your concern,” or, “Do you have a positive suggestion to offer? I’d like to hear it so I can consider it and then make my choice.”

Be open to the criticism and consider its possible validity before you respond. Criticism seldom hits the bull’s-eye, but it rarely misses the whole target. This situation could be an opportunity for you to grow.

Consider the following passages from Proverbs from The Living Bible about responding to criticism:

• If you refuse to criticism you will end in poverty and disgrace; if you accept criticism you are on the road to fame (Proverbs 13:18).

• Don’t Refuse to accept criticism; get all the help you can (Proverbs 23:12).

• It is a badge of honor to accept valid criticism (Proverbs 25:12).

A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. but if he confesses and forsakes the, he gets another chance (Proverbs 28:13).

If you can learn to respond to the facts of what your critic says, instead of reacting emotionally, you will find yourself in control of the situation. Following are 3 typical statements an in-law might make when visiting your home. Remember, these could be just statements of fact, or they could be statements made simply for the purpose of getting a response from you.

1. “I see you have your refrigerator full of leftovers again!”

2. “You mean our granddaughter went out on a date tonight? Didn’t you tell her that we’d be dropping by?”

3. “You don’t call or write me as much as you used to.”

In each case, your in-laws would probably expect you to give an explanation or to go on the defensive. But what would happen if you agreed with their statements? If you don’t respond in the way that’s expected, your in-laws may be forced to clarify what they really meant by the statement. Agreeing in principle with what someone has said doesn’t mean that you change your own opinion or beliefs.

For example, what if Mary’s conversation with her mother-in-law went something like this: Mother-in-law: “Oh, I see you have your refrigerator full of leftovers again.” Mary: “Yes, I guess I do have some leftovers in there again.” Mother-in-law: “Well, some of them look like they’ve been in there for a long time.” Mary: “Yes, I’m sure some of them have been in there too long.”

You can see that this conversation could go on for some time without Mary’s committing herself to any change. She has little chance, also, of offending her mother-in-law.

Consider this: What needs do your in-laws have at this time in their lives? Often the reason people behave in specific ways or resort to criticism is that they’re seeking to fulfill particular needs of their own. Often their behavior doesn’t accurately reflect what their needs are, so we’re confused. Too often we react without considering why our critic is acting this way. Have you ever considered that the suggestions coming from your in-laws may reflect some of their own needs, and may not really be attempts on their part to control or interfere?

Karen, a young woman attending a seminar, shared with me what happened to her. Whenever her mother-in-law would come over to her home, she’d constantly check the house for dust and dirt. She was like a marine sergeant who wears a white glove to inspect the barracks.

One day, after Karen had worked for hours cleaning the house and scrubbing the floor, her mother-in-law came for a visit. As she sat in the kitchen, her eyes spotted a 6-inch section of woodwork next to the tile that had been missed. As she mentioned this to her daughter-in-law, Karen could feel the anger slowly creeping up through her body. He face started becoming tense and red.

For the first time, her mother-in-law noticed this reaction to her suggestions. She said to Karen, “Honey, I can’t really be of much help to you in anything else, but this is one thing that I can help you with.” As she shared, Karen realized that her mother-in-law felt inadequate and useless around her, and this was her only way of attempting to feel useful and needed. Now both women had a better understanding of one another.

Another guideline to follow is to respond as a united couple. Parents and in-laws need to understand that you and your partner are in agreement on issues. Don’t let any relatives drive you apart.

Some couples have shared statements they have learned to use, such as, “We’ve discussed this and we’ve decided…” Using the word “we” carries a strong message. If a relative makes comments to you about your partner, don’t cooperate with them by conveying this information back to your partner. Suggest that this is something they need to discuss directly with your spouse if they have this concern.

When you marry, your partner comes first. Unfortunately, far too many parents need to learn this. And they can, by your continued loyalty and support of your spouse.

•  WHEN FATHER-IN-LAW DOESN’T KNOW BEST

One of the things I (Cindy) determined years ago was to look for ways to build relationship bridges with my in-laws so we’d grow closer rather than treating each other like we’re opponents. I figured if they raised such a wonderful man as my husband, and my husband loves them, I would make every effort to grow in my love relationship with them also.

It’s meant that at times I’ve had to over-look some minor (and even major) offenses and have given grace and space and have looked for the best rather than allow myself to be easily offended. And when I have been, I’ve worked hard to get past it, just as the Lord has over-looked my offenses. If I call myself a follower of Christ, why shouldn’t I extend the same grace to my in-laws that I have received from Him?

It hasn’t always been completely smooth sailing, but it’s been worth every effort it has taken to keep building, rather than allowing our relationship to be torn down.

Not all in-laws are open to building bridges of love, but if there is any way to do this, it’s sure worth the rewards. The Bible says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). And for my part, I determined to do whatever I could to build a healthy, loving relationship with them.

Not only is it a love gift that I have given to my husband —because he loves them, and I don’t want to put him into the position where he has to choose between me and his family, it’s a love gift that keeps giving in many other ways also.

One of them is what a person can learn about their spouse as they embrace his/her parents and his/her background. Author Renae Bottoms says this about what she learned:

“When Mark and I were married, I didn’t fully appreciate the way our separate pasts would affect our combined future. As we worked through our early adjustments, getting to know Mark’s family helped me see our relationship in more than just two dimensions—his side and mine.

“Slowly, over those first few years, our relationships with our in-laws helped us recognize there was a third dimension to our marriage—the family experiences that had shaped each of our contrasting styles.”

To read more on what Renae means by this, you can click on the link below to read the article that is posted on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine:

IN LOVE WITH MY IN-LAWS

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

“Why it is so difficult to find a comfortable arrangement with parents, in-laws and other members of your extended family? The idea of leaving your childhood family to unite with your spouse sounds perfectly reasonable. And you’d think making a fresh start free from outside interference would be a joyful adventure.

“In practice, though, this process often seems more like you’re forming a new mega-family that includes parents, in-laws and, come to think of it, your spouse, too” (Ingrid Lawrenz, from article, “In-Law Tug of War”).

And really, when you think about it, you really are! You and your spouse were both members of two independent family units. And now that you are married, you need to form a new family unit where you are partners with each other, and the family units that you used to be in, are to take a back-seat. It’s the “leave and cleave” principle that the Bible talks about.

“But, before spouses can form their own independent family, they have to renegotiate relationships with parents and extended family. And since those bonds took years to form, the process of breaking away to create a new family isn’t complete after the first year, or the fifth. It’s an ongoing task” (Ingrid Lawrenz, from article, “In-Law Tug of War”).

For more insights with that task, we recommend you read more of what Ingrid Lawrenz has to say on this subject. It is featured on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine. To read this article, click onto the link below:

• IN-LAW TUG OF WAR

-ALSO-

To read an article on the Crosswalk.com web site on the subject of dealing with conflict with in laws, please click onto the link below:

• SHOULD IN-LAWS BE OUTLAWED?

And then there is an additional article posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site that you could find helpful as well. Please click onto the link below to read:

• BOUNDARIES FOR IN LAWS

If you have additional tips you can share to help others on this issue, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Please place a check next to each of the statements that apply to you.

• In relating to my in-laws:

___ I feel very comfortable in knowing what to call them.

___ I wish I knew what to call them (Mom, Dad, or first name).

• I feel that my spouse is:

___ too close to his/her family.

___ not close enough to his/her family.

___ well-balanced in his/her relationship with his/her family.

• My spouse feels that I am:

___ too close to my family.

___ not close enough to my family.

___ well-balanced in my relationship with my family.

• I wish:

___ I felt more comfortable with my spouse’s family.

___ my spouse felt more comfortable with my family.

• My spouse and I disagree over:

___ how much time to spend with family.

___ whose family to visit for the holidays.

• I sometimes feel pulled between:

___ what my family wants from me and what my spouse wants from me.

___ my loyalty to my own family and my loyalty to my spouse’s family.

• Since our wedding, my relationship with my own family:

___ has changed for the better.

___ has changed for the worse.

• Since our wedding, my relationship with my spouse’s family:

___ has changed for the better.

___ has changed for the worse.

Review the statements you marked and use them as a springboard for a discussion about your in-laws.

“The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is one of the most complicated human connections. It comes with a built-in conflict before the relationship even begins: two radically different views of the same man. One woman always will see him first as a man; the other always will see him first as her child. 

“Understanding these perspectives is the first step to having a smooth in-law connection. However, as I began visiting with women who have successful relationships, I discovered they all shared an attitude that moves beyond this basic understanding. In each relationship, one of the women involved gave a “gift” to the other woman.

“For most of them, it wasn’t given easily, but through a determination of their will. I discovered, too, that it didn’t matter whether the giver was the younger or older woman. To my surprise, it didn’t even seem to matter if the gift was acknowledged. It just mattered that one of the women was willing to give.”

The above statements were made by Elizabeth Graham, who wrote the article, “The Other Woman …How to live in harmony with your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law.”

The article is featured on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman.

To read the beginning of the article along with the rest of what Elizabeth had to say on this subject, along with other related topics, click onto the link below:

The Other Woman

Another article, posted on the Crosswalk.com explains more on this subject. To read what it has to say, please click onto the web site link provided below:

Mother-in-Laws and Daughter-in-Laws CAN Get Along

Partway there, Wes suggested I go to the wedding without him. I was stunned and angry! This was a family wedding, and I expected him to go with me. We discussed the issue the remainder of the trip. He didn’t change his mind, and I didn’t, either.

We arrived at his parents’ home and greeted them, a visiting brother, and a guest. To my amazement, Wes brought up the topic at dinner. Suddenly, everyone was bantering back and forth about what Wes should do. So much for privacy! The next thing I knew, someone was calling for a vote: “Who thinks Wes should go to the wedding with Connie?” (The vote was zero —I was stunned I forgot to vote!) “Who thinks he should stay here?” (It was basically the rest of the group.)

I sat in disbelief, wondering what kind of family I’d married into. How dare they so freely air their opinions about matters that didn’t involve the? I had temporarily forgotten that Wes had actually invited their input.

My family kept private matters private. You won’t find us discussing who we voted for, how much money someone makes, how much a new car (or anything else) costs, or whether someone should attend a cousin’s wedding! Wes continues to be amazed at our tight-lipped approach. He says my family redefines “private affairs.”

When two people marry, they bring with them their own traditions and patterns. This often creates conflict-to say the least! And when the “conflict” is an opinionated mother-in-law who lives under your roof, things can become rather interesting, rather quickly!

The above section was written by Connie Grisby. This section is written by Diane Riley:

“Mom Reilly came to live with us at the age of 79 after living alone as a widow for 15 years. We’d been married for 9 years and had 4 small children. “Mom” was determined to get as much attention as possible from my busy doctor husband, who was rarely home. She’d rise early —4 or 5 in the morning —and start banging a spoon on the kitchen table, announcing it was time for her coffee.

She insisted on never being alone, which meant I couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone. “Diaaaane,” followed by knocks on the door, could be heard throughout the house. Carpools weren’t immune to her, either. She became a fixture in the front passenger seat-with her hand on the horn if I walked a child inside and took too long. She was also a joy to shop with. When buying school clothes, I would find a comfy chair for her in the shoe department before heading out. Ten minutes later, I’d inevitably hear my name paged over the loudspeaker system!

When Mom moved in, Bob and I had recently changed churches and found one that was filled with the joy of the Lord. We were in church almost every time the doors were open, and everyone in our family was growing spiritually. Bible studies on marriage were especially important because we knew little about God’s blueprint for marriage. A “quiet and gentle” spirit I did not have, but desperately wanted —and needed!

I was in daily turmoil over the increasing demands I tried to place on myself in an effort to be the perfect wife and mother, with my “thorn,” Mom Reilly, burrowing deeper and deeper into my side. Her tongue was so sharp: nothing I said or did pleased her. I became compliant on the outside, but seethed with resentment and anger on the inside. She was my “ball and chain.” I took out my frustrations on my patient husband, sideswiping him time and again about being a workaholic. My tongue became as virulent as-if not worse than-Mom’s.

A friend called from the East Coast one night, wrongly supposing we were three hours later rather than earlier. So wide awake at 3:00 A.M., I decided to spend the next hour with the Lord. God met me in a powerful and unexpected way. I was reading the crucifixion story in John’s Gospel. Jesus is on the cross looking down at His mother and His beloved disciples. With great tenderness and compassion, He says to John, “Here is your mother.” He was giving me His mother-to love and care for —just as He had given His mother to John. Was I not also a disciple? Was I not also commanded to love others as He loved me?

My heart changed that night. God gave me His heart for Mom Reilly. No longer was it an effort to love and care for her. She lived with us for 16 years, and we now see her time with us as a divine gift to bring supernatural love into our family. It was the Lord who asked for a gentle and quiet spirit from me —and it was this thorn of adversity that caused me to learn how to walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh. I fell more and more in love with Jesus, and my husband, as I practiced on “His mom.” And as my heart changed toward Bob and he was no longer battling my angry and critical spirit, we began studying, applying, and then teaching God’s blueprint for marriage.

One of the best things we did was to begin praying together. Our times together with the Lord are our most intimate. It’s hard to be angry, critical, or disinterested when you go into the throne room together. We pray together daily and communion is so sweet. We also honor Mom Reilly and thank God for her, His special gift. From the bottom of my heart I can say that she gave us far more than we gave her.”

I (Connie) had an awakening when God showed me that if I was one with Wes, then his parents should, in a sense, be my parents. They’d never take the place of my parents, of course, and I’d never share with them my many wonderful childhood memories, but in the sense of honor and regard, they were to be as my parents. I had never treated them poorly-in fact, I’d always tried to treat them well. However, I now wanted to elevate that to a higher standard.

Loving your in-laws is one of the dearest ways you can show love to your husband. So often, women share with us that their in-laws just aren’t lovable. Those seemingly unlovable people are the ones who need love the most! “If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.”

Isn’t this the way you want to live? Isn’t this the way you want to love?

The above article was originally titled, The Mother-in-Law —Sometimes the Best Picture a Woman Has of Herself Is How She Treats Those Closest to Her Husband. The Introduction and post-script is written by Connie Grigsby, who co-authored, along with Nancy Cobb, the book, The Best Thing I Ever Did for My Marriage, published by Multnomah Publishers. The rest of this article is written by Diane Reilly of Marriage Ministries International.

The book, The Best Thing I Ever Did for My Marriage, contains 50 eye-opening, sometimes humorous true stories aimed to help wives problem-solve and better cope in the situations they find themselves in. This book is filled with “wise and wonderful counsel” in a wide variety of marriage issues aimed to build stronger marriages and is VERY inspiring and enjoyable to read.

Please Note: We also have an edited version of Diane Riley’s story along with additional comments (not included in this article) in “Marriage Message #122 – Unlovable In-Law.” You can locate this article in the Marriage Messages section of our web site.

As grateful as a man may be for the guidance and help he has received from his parents, it is imperative for the well-being of all concerned that he understands the importance of heading up a whole new separate decision-making unit. In the same way, the wife must play her part in disallowing her parents from making undue demands on her time and affection, since she is now under the headship of her husband.

It is not that in-laws deliberately set out to cause problems. In most cases, they would be mortified to think that their actions were viewed in that way, but unless care is taken to ensure that there is a clean break-emotionally and financially and in every other way —then untold harm may well be the result.

In The Other Woman in Your Marriage, Norman Wright quotes a fine illustration of cutting the apron strings.

I’ll never forget the wedding of one of my best college friends, John Engstrom, years ago. Actually it wasn’t the wedding itself that impressed me as much as something that happened at the rehearsal dinner. Mrs. Engstrom, John’s mum, was seated at the front table with John, his bride, and the bride’s parents.

At a particular time at the dinner, Mrs. Engstrom stood up and pulled out a beautifully wrapped box. She unwrapped it, and with great ceremony displayed one of her favorite old aprons.

Holding the apron high for everyone to see, she reached into her purse and brought out a big pair of scissors. With a flourish, she snipped off the apron strings and handed them to John’s bride-to-be.

“Never again,” she said, “will I have the same place in John Engstrom’s life. You are now the woman in his life.”

It was a moment of formal releasing, in front of many witnesses. And the most significant witnesses of all were a young bride and groom. It was a profound moment —but a joyful one too. There was a feeling of rightness about it all.

“This is an attempt at preventive medicine. It is written primarily for those who are contemplating marriage from the vantage point of singleness, who are in the early stages of married life, or who have enjoyed a number of years of marital bliss and are tempted to conclude that this kind of material is interesting but undoubtedly irrelevant. However, it may also prove helpful to those who are already dealing with the effects of decay… In a sense, this book is, unashamedly, ‘Marriage for Dummies.’ It is a refresher course on basics, and hopefully you will find it to be much more.”

To read another article that is related to this topic —one which is posted on the web site for the ministry of Focus on the Family, please click onto the link provided below:

• HOW CAN I CUT MY SPOUSE’S APRON STRINGS?

This passage is used very often and because of that, it’s crucial we don’t become numb to its basic points.

A New Loyalty

First, marrying our spouse means we turn our loyalties to him or her. That doesn’t mean we are not loyal to our parents, but that we place priority on our husband or wife. One obvious step to leaving our parents that shows we place priority on our husband or wife is changing homes. Our attention and effort turn toward our family’s well being and happiness and a central home together.

Second, becoming one flesh, in addition to referring to a husband and wife joining sexually, suggests we should stand united with our spouse regardless of outside opinions. We are so united with our spouse it’s as if the two of us are one person. Even if other people, such as in-laws, disapprove or offer their opinions, we make our own decisions and stand by them, together.

Here’s an example:
Janet and Tim had been married for a year when her mother complained about her daughter’s situation. “You’re just wasting your money living in that apartment,” she began, “and besides, that’s no place to have children. When are you going to have children, anyway?”

Janet didn’t want to be disrespectful to her mother, but she and Tim had already discussed their wants and needs concerning their home and having children. They were happy in their apartment and wanted to wait a few more years before having children.

When Tim walked through the door, Janet told him about the discussion with her mother. “Maybe mom’s right,” she said.

Tim became extremely angry. “It’s none of her business! It’s not her life; it’s our life!”

The two argued for several hours. Janet felt she needed to defend her mother, and Tim felt disrespected by being told what he and his family should do.

It’s important to mention that Janet’s mother said those things because she loved her. She wasn’t trying to meddle or intrude — but she did. Janet would have best served her marriage by politely telling her mother that she and Tim made decisions together and, though she appreciated her mother’s concern, in order to protect her marriage she had to insure their independence and freedom to choose for themselves.

The Middle-Man Rule

One primary difficulty married couples face is in managing conflict with the parents of their spouse. It’s a very good idea to make your spouse the “middle man” for conflicts you have with his or her parents. Relationships are stronger when they have time behind them and, as they say, blood is thicker than water. Therefore, in-laws will probably react better to a request from their son or daughter. If her parents need to back off, it’s better that it comes from her.

Jay and Melanie lived about 20 miles from his parents. Many times, on Friday nights, Jay’s parents would drive to their house and the four would play board games until everyone became sleepy. After several months of this, both Jay and Melanie wanted to spend a Friday night alone. “Why can’t we go to a movie or something by ourselves?” Melanie asked.

If Melanie had gone to Jay’s parents with this request, they might have been offended when she said she and Jay wanted time alone. They may have felt she forced Jay into siding with her. It could even be that because of this, they resented Melanie for the rest of their lives. If, on the other hand, Jay went to his parents and told them he and Melanie loved them very much but needed some time to do things by themselves, they’d probably react with much more understanding and patience.

It’s important to be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings concerning your parents. If he or she feels crowded or disrespected, it’s important you take these feelings seriously and act to improve the situation. These principles should also be taken into consideration by parents and should influence the way they treat their child’s spouse.

Independent Identity

You’ll know you’re in a situation where change should occur when you and your spouse don’t feel you have your own identity. One of the purposes of marriage is for a couple to establish an identity that is independent of their parents. If this doesn’t happen, a healthy marriage becomes much more of a challenge.

Some marriage experts say couples should not live in the same town as either of their parents. The reasoning is that with constant availability of their parents, the couple doesn’t learn to rely on each other. It’s difficult to form an identity together unless each of you learns to rely on the other instead of parents. It is not my opinion that every couple should live in a separate town from their in-laws, but for some, that situation might be best. It might be best for you if your in-laws are too involved in certain aspects of your relationship — especially if they are too involved in conflicts between you and your spouse.

Part of what it means to have your own identity as a couple is that conflicts are resolved without the involvement of in-laws. The scenario below shows ways a couple could fall into the trap of “in-law dependence” and the consequences they might face if independence is not a priority.

After six months of marriage, Tonya and Matt had their first big fight. What was the subject? It doesn’t matter.

While in tears, Tonya called her mother and told her about the entire ordeal. Her mother listened and became angrier by the minute.

“I’m coming over there,” her mother said.

When she arrived at the couple’s home, she immediately began telling Matt why Tonya was correct and scolded him for disagreeing. According to her, Matt owed Tonya an apology.

From that point on, Matt had difficulty trusting his mother-in-law. He felt she plotted against him and wanted to control him. He also felt betrayed by his wife. He felt that she, rather than being on a team with him, called for backup to defeat him.

If you and your spouse are arguing about any subject, neither has the right to involve a parent in the disagreement. If your spouse brings a parent in on an argument, you’re probably going to feel just as Matt did. You’d feel it’s “them against you.” This violates the oneness attitude that should exist in your marriage relationship.

Mutual Respect

In all things, respect your mother and father-in-law. Remember, they are the parents of someone very special — your spouse. If you are a parent of a married child, your son-in-law or daughter-in-law is very special because he or she is your child’s life partner.

It is best for each family to realize the independence of the other. Your spouse must know your parents will not interfere with the family you are building. Your parents must realize you and your spouse need to build a life and relationship separate from them. This requires patience and, at times, may be painful.

It’s important to honor and respect your in-laws, but above that, protect your marriage. This principle will pay great dividends in the future.

The above article which was written by Lee Wilson who is a Ministry Consultant for Family Dynamics Institute www.familydynamics.net. To read more articles to help your marriage such as this one you can visit their web site by clicking here. Family Dynamics is a nonprofit marriage and family ministry headquartered in Franklin, Tennessee in the United States of America. They help churches and organizations take proactive steps to prevent marriages from reaching a state of distress and to revive those that are already in distress. By being trained to lead their Dynamic Marriage Course, you can transform bad marriages, increase intimacy in good ones, save the future of children involved in hurting homes, and bring new families into your church. For couples in troubled marriages, they provide a very successful turn-around seminar that saves marriage.

One of their favorite topics of conversation expressed concern about all the “hillbillies” moving into their area. Once, on the way to visit an uncle with Don’s parents, we stopped for gasoline next to a family with a dirty car. Don’s mother frowned and said, “Well, would you just look at those hillbillies!”

At the time, my tactics weren’t very effective: I’d usually just offer one of my stern teacher looks and change the subject. After all, a Kentucky saying summed up my challenge: “A person convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

Over the years, the sniping slowed. I’d like to think that it was my refusal to get into an argument or my consistent dinner invitations (I noticed they didn’t have any trouble eating “that kind of food.) But in reality, I simply developed more self-respect and they backed down.

It did take a while to get to that appoint. I remember one Sunday afternoon early in our marriage when Don’s mother asked, “Well, what little wifey things did you do this week?”

Just a few days before, I had made chocolate chip cookies with lots of pecans. Don had devoured them, saying, “These are my favorites!”

Wanting to show her that I was taking good care of her son, I chirped, “I made his favorite cookies.” She smiled, “Oh, peanut butter.” I shook my head. “No. Chocolate chip.” She sat straighter. I’ve made cookies for him all his life. His favorite kind is peanut butter!” I had the good sense to shut my mouth right then, but you better believe Don heard about that little scene later! Then I asked, “Why did you tell my chocolate chip is your favorite cookie?”

In his typical peacemaking way, he chuckled and said, “Well, chocolate chip is my favorite cookie that you make, and peanut butter is my favorite of the ones my mom makes.”

Even in the short time I’d been married, I’d learned that I wasn’t going to change Don and get him to come around to my way of thinking. So I made two decisions: One, never to mention cookies in front of his mother again. And two, not to expect the worst each time we visited her. After all, if we expect the worst, we’re going to get it.

That was a rather remarkable conclusion for me to reach. After all, I know how to fight; I’m from Harlan County, Kentucky. When I was speaking in Charleston, South Caroline, my host asked his friend, who is also from Kentucky, if he knew anything about my birthplace. His friend nodded. “Oh, yeah, I’ve never met your speaker, but I can tell you this: If she’s from Harlan County, she’s a scrapper!”

And I am. (Can you imagine what I’d be like without the Lord?!) I try not to take undue pride in my feistiness, but I know how to stand my ground. In fact, when I was a high school teacher in the Detroit area, the only time I raised my voice was when I needed to break up a fight. I’d yell my name: “Break it up; it’s Aldrich!” And the students would break it up! I’d grab the two offenders by the arms and march them down to the office. The other students would say, “Boy, you don’t want to mess with her. Did you see how she grabbed those guys?”

But that toughness doesn’t help one bit when it comes to building a relationship. And that’s something Don taught me by his example as he dealt with my folks. Sure, Don’s parents said some rude things, but I have to confess that my own parents weren’t thrilled about welcoming the grinning Scotsman who showed up to “steal” their daughter.

In fact, one afternoon the summer before we were married, my parents were particularly standoffish, and I later asked Don, “How could you be so nice to someone who’s trying to ignore you?” He just grinned and said, “Sandy, I’m going to love them now because they’re your parents. One of these days I’ll love them for themselves—just as they’ll love me. In the meantime, we’re going to get along.”

By the time we’d been married even a short time, Don’s sense of humor and determination to be interested in whatever interested my parents moved him solidly into their hearts. In fact, after Don’s cancer was diagnosed, and we talked about the possibility that he might die, he said he wanted to be buried in my family’s plot. “Your mother helped fill the void my mom’s death left,” he told me, “and she’s going to have a rough time when all this is over. Just don’t let her spend a lot of time at the cemetery. I won’t be there, anyway; I’ll be with the Lord.” To this day, they still miss him—just as I do.

It’s amazing what a different perspective can offer when it comes to in-laws. Mama Farley loved telling about the mother who was asked about her son’s new wife: “Oh, she’s so lazy. She expects my son to help her with the dishes and to baby-sit and go grocery shopping with her. I just don’t know how long he can keep that pace up.”

The visitor shook her head. “Oh, she has the most wonderful husband! He helps her with the dishes, and he’s happy to baby-sit and goes grocery shopping with her. He is just wonderful. She’s fortunate to have gotten such a good man.”

Here are a few solid reminders to help you build the relationship you want with your in-laws:

Refuse to argue
Here’s where we have to look to the Lord as our example. Remember, he won people—not arguments.

Again, Don provided a godly example for me as he refused to get upset when one of my relatives would tell him how he ought to do something. Don wouldn’t argue; he’d just smile and say something such as “Hey, thanks! I appreciate your interest” or “I’ll think about that. Thanks.” Of course, I teased him that he went ahead and did what he wanted anyway, but he’d remind me that it takes two people to have an argument.

One of Don’s major roles within both families was to be the peacemaker. And if he couldn’t win over the opposing parties with logic, he’d try emotion: “Hey, life’s too short to argue,” he’d say. “Let’s figure out a way to solve this.”

His peacemaking skills have been greatly missed. In fact, the last Aldrich dinner I hosted before Jay, Holly, and I moved to New York was a stark reminder of the void he had left as two of the relatives got into a shouting match and wound up leaving early. I wasn’t much help. All I could do was cry as I asked each of them not to go. If Don had been there, the argument wouldn’t have progressed to that point. Never had he allowed anyone to leave our home angry.

Keep praying
What if every day we included the Lord in our relationships with our in-laws? What if we began the morning by saying, “Lord, this day is yours. I am yours. Help me act like it.”

The Lord already knows we’re upset over some of the statements folks make, so we might as well talk to him about them. Remember 1 Samuel 17 when David faced Goliath? In verse 47 he said, “It is [the Lord’s] battle, not ours.” But often we forget that and try to make every battle our own.

Guard your mouth
Remember; you never have to ask forgiveness for those sharp things you don’t say. Consider 1 Kings 19. Elijah was depressed. He’d just come out of a major spiritual victory but was mentally exhausted and physically tired and hungry, so he overreacted and thought he was the only one still fighting the Lord’s battles. Look at how he was ministered to—the angel gave him healthy food and water and ordered him to sleep. Only then was he ready to hear instructions about the next step.

Schedule time with your in-laws
Don and I lived halfway between both sets of parents, so it was rare that any of them showed up unexpectedly. But we’d already decided that we needed to keep in touch on a regular basis so they wouldn’t be demanding. (Neither one of us did well with the “you never call; you never write” routine.) And it worked! Since they knew we’d either be at their house every other Sunday or have them to ours, they didn’t pressure us. If your in-laws live in the same city, you may have to set some loving boundaries early.

Don’t go looking for trouble
Remember, if you expect the worst, you’ll get the worst. Let some things roll off your back. When Marlene and Kirk were moving into a larger apartment, her father supposedly came to help. Instead he scolded her in front of the movers because the bed frame was dusty. Marlene stammered an excuse about letting it go during the moving process but said that she had planned to polish all the furniture when it was set up in their new home.

Meanwhile, her husband was furious that the father was scolding a grown daughter. But what could have been a bad situation was turned into merely an irritation because they dared to be strong enough to shrug it off. It was a one-time occurrence. But if this had been the father’s habit, it would have been appropriate for Kirk to quietly take him aside and remind him that Marlene was a grown woman and that her actions were no longer a reflection on him.

Remember, Jesus has promised us his power, his peace, his purpose, his presence—and trouble. But even as he promises us trouble, he promises to be with us: “Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

Release your mate from having to choose between his mother and his wife
One of my cousins turned every visit with her in-laws into a crisis. All the way home, she’d analyze aloud every word and every look her in-laws had given her that day, much to the exhaustion of her husband. He always felt she was putting him in the middle of the nonexistent argument—hardly the basis for tender feelings. Women especially need to be careful about this.

Get a proper perspective
Our view of any situation will color the way we see it. I remember a Reader’s Digest account from years ago of a tourist in a southern state who was driving in the country when he saw a man sitting in a wooden, straight-back chair, from which he would bend over to pull weeds. The driver chuckled, shaking his head, convinced that the stereotypical image of the lazy southerner was true. He turned the corner then and glanced back to laugh again at the gardener. Only from that angle did he notice the crutches propped against the chair. The man wasn’t lazy after all but a determined survivor. What a difference a new angle gives us.

What if we looked at the situation from the in-law’s view? Pamela said that the day her little boy developed a crush on his first-grade teacher she understood how her mother-in-law must feel that some other woman replaced her in her son’s heart. That new perspective strengthened the relationship between the two women.

Find those things you can sincerely praise
Remember that criticism destroys while encouragement builds. Phyllis decided to handle her critical mother-in-law’s visits with grace, so she set out each time to find at least two things she could sincerely compliment. One morning, she gave the older woman an impromptu hug and said, “You’ve raised an incredible son. Thanks!” To her amazement, the verbal sniping slowed down after that.

Be honest with yourself
In family situations, there’s what counselors call the presenting problem and then the real problem. The presenting problem is what appears to be the barrier, while the real problem is something more foundational.

I remember a letter to one of the advice columnists from a mother-in-law. She said, “My daughter-in-law takes good care of my son and grandchildren, but I can’t stand it that she doesn’t rinse the soap out of the dishcloth and hang it up to dry. She just throws it into a corner of the sink and leaves it. How can I get her to stop this?”

I like the columnist’s answer” The one thing she does wrong is leave the dishcloth in the sink? What’s your real beef?”

If you’re always complaining about some relatively unimportant but irritating habit of your in-laws, ask yourself what the real problem is.

Offer an unexpected gift
Take this advice and run with it! On Don’s thirtieth birthday, I sent his mother thirty sweetheart roses with a little note and said, “I’m so glad you had a baby boy thirty years ago today. After that, she always introduced me as “my daughter-in-law, the one who sent me the roses.” Every one of her friends had already heard about my creative gift!

Honor your in-laws
Exodus 20:12 says, “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God will give you.”

Honoring does not mean letting them order you around, pry into your personal finances, tell your kids to get haircuts, or rearrange your cabinets each time they visit. It means honoring their position. Once the child becomes an adult, it’s important that a new relationship be built—more “friend to friend” than “Parent to child.” Our goal is mutual respect and friendship.

Remember that you are the parent
After Karen became a widow, her father-in-law complained about her keeping the two children in a Christian school and, as he said, “shielding them from the real world.”

It crossed her mind to tell him to back off, but instead, like Hannah in 1 Samuel 1:15—when the priest Eli accused her of being drunk—she quietly answered the charges.

“I know you’re concerned as a loving grandfather,” she said. “But I’m the one who must stand before God and give an account of how my children have been raised. For now I’m convinced that it’s best they remain where they are.”

Visit other relatives together
I really give Don credit here. One Thanksgiving, he agreed to take a trip to visit my relatives in Kentucky but insisted that we take my parents with us. What a fun time that proved to be. My dad rode shotgun and told stories all along the route. Near Corbin, Kentucky, he pointed out the spot where, as a 23-year-old army sergeant, he’d been hitchhiking home in late 1944. He’d been let off from one ride and meandered toward a shady tree to wait for the next car to take him closer to Harlan where my mother was living with her parents, my beloved Papa and Mama Farley.

As he approached the tree, he saw that a sailor was already waiting. That pleased Dad; he would have someone to talk to until they got rides. Of course, since the other man had been under the tree first, the unspoken code was that he would accept the first ride.

But as my dad got closer to the sailor, he recognized his own brother-in-law, Hurlen Farley, who was on leave too! Dad gave a whoop of recognition and ran to clasp Uncle Hurlen’s hand. They thumped each other on the back and marveled at the chances of meeting like that. Uncle Hurlen wouldn’t accept a ride without my dad, and they went on into Harlan together to provide a double surprise for the family.

Keep the family ties strong
After Don died, his dad—who had remarried within 6 months after his first wife died—wasn’t sure what to do with me. The first time he had to call, the man I had called Dad for more than 16 years identified himself as Bill. I wasn’t about to get tossed aside that quickly, so I quickly responded, “Dad! How good of you to call!”

He still had other struggles, though. Because of his own harsh upbringing, he had trouble verbally expressing love for those around him, even his own sons and grandchildren. I remember when the kiddos and I were back from New York for a visit. Before we left, I suggested we hold hands and pray. After my amen, I hugged Don’s dad and said, “I love you, Dad. I truly do.” He didn’t answer.

Then Jay and Holly hugged him, both saying, “I love you, Grandpa.” But they received only silence, too. I was stunned. But I let the silence roll on, and we three got into our car and headed home to New York, I made sure that Jay and Holly understood that their grandpa’s lack of response wasn’t their fault but something in his own background that kept him from saying the words. Then with a feisty set of my jaw, I took on the challenge, determined not only to do the right thing but to have fun seeing how soon I could get those words out of him.

I called him every Saturday to give him a quick report of our life in New York and have him talk to the kids. Gradually, I got more than silence out of him as I’d sign off with my quick “I love you Dad.” Sometimes I’d hear “That’s nice” and once—miracle of miracles—he even muttered, “Me, too” as he hung up. I sat there grinning long after the line was dead!”

But the real gift came when we called him on Christmas Eve, 1988. I signed off with my usual, “I love you” and to my great surprise, he answered, “I love you, too” as he hung up. Jay and Holly raced me from their extensions in the bedroom and basement. “Mom! He said it! He finally said it!” And the three of us celebrated with a big family hug.

THE BEST EXAMPLE
Mother-in-law jokes often present the difficult relationship between a mother-in-law and her son-in-law. But family experts report that in reality the most difficult relationship is the one between the mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law.

The book of Ruth presents the most incredible relationship between two women who were thrust together this way. Both were widowed, and the mother-in-law, Naomi, decided that she would return to her own hometown of Bethlehem in Judah.

Her two widowed daughters-in-law set out with her, but when they got to the border, Naomi tried to send them back, saying she had nothing to offer them. Orpah turned back, but Ruth stayed, saying the words that would become a popular declaration in wedding ceremonies during the 1970s: “I will go wherever you go and live wherever you live. Your people will be my people, and your god will be my God. I will die where you die and you will be buried there. May the Lord punish me severely if I allow anything but death to separate us!” (Ruth 1:17-17).

Think about that! Those loving words were spoken from a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law! And you remember the incredible story of how Naomi taught Ruth the customs of her new culture and, in fact, encouraged her courtship with one of Naomi’s distant relatives. Because of that good relationship, both women benefited—Naomi regained her family land, enjoyed security and the love of a precious grandson born to the new marriage, and Ruth gained a place in our Lord’s lineage.

Most of us can take a lesson from that account, especially when we’re tempted to give in to the frustration of working on a relationship with difficult folks. (Of course, we’re never difficult ourselves, are we?) One final comment—remember the old saying that reminds us to guard our tongues: “You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.”

MEN READ NEWSPAPERS, NOT MINDS … and other things I wish I’d known when I first married -by Sandra Aldrich, published by Tyndale House Publishers www.tyndale.com. (This is one of Cindy’s favorite books for women to read on marriage. Unfortunately, it is no longer being printed so you will only be able to find it as a used book—which will limit your ability to obtain it-SEE LINK BELOW.) This book is humorous, practical and insightful. Sandra shares stories, biblical principles, and real life examples that will help make your marriage all that God wants it to be.