It’s not by mistake that when Paul wrote about selecting a prospective spouse, the one thing he chose to focus on was the spiritual connection. Paul clearly said that a follower of Christ must marry another follower of Christ. As he described it, the other person “must belong to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39).

Having been raised in a home where I saw firsthand the effects of spiritual disharmony, even between two professing Christians, I am in complete agreement with Paul. If you want to do yourself a big favor, make sure you and the person you marry are on the same page spiritually. If you’re a follower of Christ, marry another follower of Christ. Otherwise, your life and your home will suffer from your differing spiritual beliefs.

Often when a believer marries an unbeliever, there is a detrimental impact on the believer’s faith. Moses acknowledged this potential danger when he told the Israelites not to marry someone who did not share their spiritual beliefs. Before the Israelites returned to the Promised Land, which was occupied by people who had substituted their own man-made gods for the one true God, Moses warned them, “Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, for they will turn your sons away from following me to serve other gods” (Deuteronomy 7:3-4).

Unfortunately, they ended up doing the very thing Moses told them not to do. The Israelites “took their daughters in marriage and gave their own daughters to their sons, and served their gods. The Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD; they forgot the LORD their God and served the Baals and the Asherahs” (Judges 3:6-7).

A sad picture, isn’t it? I’m sure those parents had the best of intentions when they gave their kids away in marriage. They probably wanted their children to experience the joys of companionship, child rearing, security, and love in marriage. But you have to ask yourself, was the trade-off they made worth it? Sure, they ended up married, but they also ended up abandoning God. I call that a bad deal.

After God took a backseat in their lives, these newly married couples were left to make their marriages work in their own strength. Let me tell you, that’s a shaky way to begin and grow a marriage. The Bible goes so far as to say, “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain” (Psalm 127:1). Trying to build a home without God’s help is destined for trouble and failure. I doubt that’s what you want out of marriage!

Stay out of a Spiritual Mismatch

Years after Moses warned the Israelites not to intermarry, the apostle Paul gave similar advice in his two letters to the Christians in Corinth. In his first letter he told them to marry only a fellow believer. In his second letter he added, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14).

Since most of us don’t use yokes today, we miss the full impact of what Paul is saying. In Paul’s day, a yoke was a bar or piece of wood that linked two animals together. When two working animals, like oxen, were evenly connected by a yoke, it empowered them to do more together than they could have done apart. But if the animals were unequally yoked, in kind or size, the work was hampered by their differences. Everything they would attempt to do together would end up being more difficult.

Paul urged Christ followers not to be yoked together with an unbeliever. The differences are too great. Doing so would make it difficult or impossible to work and live together. A spiritual mismatch would make it tough to be married.

I not only saw that firsthand in my own childhood, but I’ve seen it many times since, as  I’ve counseled spouses who are in a spiritual mismatch. Stephanie’s story is pretty typical.

I know I should have never married him. I knew what the Bible said about marrying an unbeliever, but I ignored it. I just figured it would all work out. Well, it hasn’t. I am so frustrated. It’s gotten to the point in our marriage now where he doesn’t want me to go to church on Sunday. He says it’s the only day we can have together as a family. But I want our two children to grow up in the church. I want them to continue going to Sunday school. I can’t imagine them not being able to enjoy seeing their friends and teachers at church and benefiting by all that they are learning. So, Pastor Dave, what should I do?

You know what I tell wives and husbands who come into my office frustrated by their spouse’s lack of spiritual interest —or worse yet, their desire for no one else in the family to be involved in a church? I basically say, “Work for a compromise. That’s all you can do right now. Let him/her know how you feel, but don’t ram your opinion down his/her throat. Accept whatever she decides. Be kind and loving and patient. Do your best to show Christianity through your love and lifestyle. And pray like mad that God will change his/her heart.”

I’d like to say that advice always works, but it doesn’t. If you’re reading this book because you’re thinking about getting engaged, the best thing I can say to you is don’t make a spiritual mismatch mistake. If the person you are considering marrying is not on the same page with you spiritually, back off.

The above article comes from the book, Before You Get Engaged, written by David Gudgel and Brent Gudgel, with Danielle Fitch, published by Thomas Nelson. This book was born from an idea that started during a Focus on the Family radio interview with counseling pastor David Gudgel on another topic. It offers advice and direction for those who are dating who are considering whether or not they will want to eventually marry. It can be seen as a pre-engagement book —which makes it unique. It aims at equipping you with insight, confidence, and peace to make one of the biggest decisions of your life. (It also has fun and endearing marriage proposal tips included as well as ways to gently ask your significant other for more time.) Pastor Gudgel says about this book, “My prayer is that whatever the future holds for you, this book will help you be sure that you are getting engaged, and ultimately married, to the right person.” Preview or purchase this book now.

The following checklists can help you and your partner identify possible problems and talk them over. They will also help you get to know each other better. Ask yourself and each other the following questions.

1. Addiction or Excessive Use of Alcohol, Drugs, Etc.

Whether the problem is alcohol, drugs, gambling, or anything else, it leads to behavior that makes a person unreliable and untrustworthy. It will inevitable prevent the addict from putting the partner’s needs first. Feeding the addiction will always come first, not the partner.

• Does my partner’s drinking/drug use/gambling make me uncomfortable?
• Does he or she acknowledge that there is an addiction problems?
• Is he or she now in treatment or seeking professional help to overcome this addiction?

2. Controlling or Bullying Tendencies

If you feel as if your partner tries to micromanage every detail of your relationship and your life, neither of you will feel as if you have a relationship of two independent, mature adults. If he insists on having his own way more than you think is fair or she does not respect your independence, then it won’t be long before the two of you will experience conflict.

• Does he or she expect me to account for my whereabouts every single minute of the day? If I don’t, does he or she express annoyance or worse?
• Does he or she try to bully me into doing things I do not want to do?
• Does your partner fail to consult you on important decisions?

3. Dishonesty and Lying

The good relationships are built on trust. Each partner has to be able to rely on the other telling him or her the truth.

• Does my partner ever lie to me?
• Does my partner try to excuse his or her lying, rather than apologize for it?

4. Displays of Contempt, Condescension, and Overall Lack of Respect

If your partner treats you with contempt rather than respect and speaks sarcastically and condescendingly, it will be almost impossible to talk over your differences calmly and rationally.

• Does my partner make fun of me in a way that hurts my feelings?
• Does my partner make snide remarks about me and act as if he or she does not respect my skills, talents, or contributions?

5. Emotional Withdrawal

If your partner has great trouble sharing his or her emotions or demonstrating love through affection and touch, in a way that meets your own emotional needs, it will be difficult to have a mutually satisfying relationship.

• Does my partner simply walk away or retreat when there is conflict rather than sit down and talk it through?
• Does my partner give the warmth, physical affection, and emotional nurturance I need, or does he or she seem to withhold emotional support?

6. Excessive or Explosive Anger

When your partner’s anger seems excessive, inappropriate to the circumstances, or occurs more often than you are comfortable with, he or she may have a problem.

• Does my partner’s anger seem out of control or frightening to me?
• Have friends or family mentioned these outbursts to me?

7. Extreme Defensiveness or Denial that Obstructs Open Discussion

If you try to bring up problems that you see in your interactions, and your partner seems unable to listen and instead gets angry, defensive, or completely denies your feelings, it will be difficult for you both to grow in this relationship. It also makes it difficult or impossible to fix problems as they arise.

• Does my partner jump on me or refuse to calmly discuss any differences of opinion that I bring up?
• Can my partner listen to problems I bring up, or does he or she usually deny that any such problems exist?

8. Frequent Critical or Insulting Remarks

Excessive criticism between partners is one of the most destructive behaviors in any relationship, and one most likely to lead to divorce.

If your partner repeatedly criticizes and insults you, he or she is not showing you the respect any marriage partner deserves.

• Does he or she repeatedly criticize who I am or what I do?
• Does he or she criticize me or insult me in front of others?

9. Infidelity

Unfaithfulness is one of the most fundamental betrayals of trust, and one that will jeopardize a marriage. If your partner is unfaithful before you get married, and you cannot agree that both of you find such actions acceptable, chances are it will happen again.

• Does my partner flirt or behave in any other way with others that makes me unhappy or uncomfortable?
• Has my partner ever given me reason to believe he or she might be unfaithful?

10. Intolerance or Excessive Rigidity

Someone who is intolerant of you or others, or who is excessively rigid, will not be likely to have the forgiving nature or the flexibility and resilience to roll with the ups and downs that any long-term relationship requires.

• Is he or she accepting of attitudes I possess that differ from his or her own?
• Does my partner refuse to speak to me or others if he or she is angry?

11. Laziness and Unwillingness to Do His or Her Share

Once two partners agree on what they find to be a fair distribution of chores around the house, based on time and preferences and skills, it is not acceptable for one of the partners to repeatedly slack off without discussing it thoroughly with the other.

• Does my partner refuse to pitch in and leave the lion’s share of the work to me, even though we agreed to split things equitably?

12. Rudeness or Bad Manners

If your partner is repeatedly rude to you or others, or if his or her bad manners make you feel as if you would not want to be seen in public with him or her, your relationship cannot possibly become great without some major alternations in behavior.

• Am I embarrassed by my partner’s manners?
• When I ask my partner to modify his or her behavior, is he or she able to change, or does the behavior persist?

13. Selfishness or Inability to Show Kindness, Caring, and Support

Be careful if your partner puts his or her interests above yours on a fairly regular basis. Such behavior is likely to encourage you to behave in a similar fashion, if only to protect your interests. When two people behave selfishly, they will likely grow farther apart over time.

• Do I feel as if my partner is pulling his or her share in the relationship?
• Does my partner think about what I want and need as much as his or her own interests?

14. Violence or Verbal Abuse

Physical violence and verbal abuse are never acceptable in any relationship. With counseling, some individuals may be able to overcome this behavior. But if the person is unwilling to seek outside counseling, you shouldn’t expect to see significant change.

• Does my partner use abusive language, profanity, or cruel and insulting remarks directed at me that I find offensive and hurtful?
• Has my partner ever hit me or threatened to hurt me —even once?

Marriage Missions Note: For additional information on this problem behavior please click on the following web site link to read:

• 12 Traits of An Abusive Relationship

Though psychological and emotional problems may not be fatal flaws, they are conditions you must be aware of before you marry. If your partner is suffering from conditions such as depression, anxiety, obsessive fears, or other worrisome emotional issues, he or she should receive professional help before you make any decision about marrying. Of course, he or she should continue with that help, if necessary, after the marriage, should you decide to go ahead with it.

It can be very difficult to look honestly at the person we think we love. We may feel we’ll spoil the romance, or discover things we wish we didn’t know. But the reverse is more likely to be true. Having honest discussions —many of them —about religion, money, sex, children, recreation, and acceptable behavior can be a great way to discover how much you really have in common.

It will also build trust and a strong foundation for your future life together. If you don’t agree at first, this discussion offers a chance to learn what you need to continue working on. If you still aren’t able to agree on all of these six basic issues, you will find it much wiser and less painful in the long run to part ways so that you can begin, with optimism, your new search for the right person for you.

The above article can be found in the book, Wonderful Marriage by Lilo and Gerard Leeds, published by Benbella Books (Review or Buy This Book Now). Actually, there are even more questions contained in the section of the book we used for this article, which you can read by obtaining this marriage resource itself. In addition, you will find many more helpful marriage tips and insights which the Lilo and Gerard shared from their 57+ years of experience together, as they pass along to their readers what they have learned in making a marriage wonderful. It can also be enjoyed by those who are considering marriage (because they address many topics like the one above, in a way that helps you to consider whether or not you are suited to marry each other).

We highly recommend Wonderful Marriage, even though it isn’t written to a Christian audience. We only found two quotes we objected to in the entire book, but the rest of it lines up fine scripturally. As with ANY resource (including ours), other than the Bible, it’s important to prayerfully read with an objective eye. If it lines up with God’s Biblical principles and the Lord shows you that the advice will be helpful for your marriage, use it. If not, don’t. Not all advice given by humans is good for you to use. Ask God for wisdom and discernment and the Lord will bless.

An additional problem you truly need to examine is that of pornography. Many think this isn’t really a “problem” or it is one that will go away after marriage, but you need to reconsider that stance. Many, many marriages are crippled because of this behavior. Please click onto the link below to read more about it:

RED FLAGS OF RELATIONAL DIFFICULTIES:

1. You have a general uneasy feeling that there is something wrong in your relationship with your fiancé.

2. You find yourself arguing often with your fiancé.

3. Your fiancé seems irrationally jealous whenever you interact with someone of the opposite sex.

4. You avoid discussing certain subjects because you’re afraid of your fiancé’s reaction.

5. Your fiancé finds it extremely difficult to express emotions, or is prone to extreme emotions (such as out of control anger exaggerated fear) or swinging back and forth between emotional extremes (such as being very happy one minute, then suddenly exhibiting extreme sadness the next).

6. Your fiancé displays controlling behavior. This means more than wanting to be in charge—it means your fiancé seems to want to control every aspect of your life: your appearance, your lifestyle, your interactions with friends or family, etc. Your fiancé seems to manipulate you into doing what he or she wants.

7. You are continuing the relationship because of fear—fear of hurting your fiancé or fear of what he or she might do if you ended the relationship.

8. Your fiancé does not treat you with respect. He or she constantly criticizes you or talks sarcastically to you.

9. Your fiancé is unable to hold down a job, doesn’t take personal responsibility for losing a job, or he or she frequently borrows money from you or friends.

10. Your fiancé often talks about imagined aches and pains, going from doctor to doctor until he or she finds someone who will agree that he or she is seriously ill.

11. Your fiancé is unable to resolve conflict. He or she cannot deal with constructive criticism, never admits a mistake and never asks for forgiveness.

12. Your fiancé is overly-dependent on parents for finances, decision-making or emotional security.

13. Your fiancé shows a pattern of dishonesty, rationalizing questionable behavior or twisting words to his or her benefit.

14. Your fiancé exhibits patterns of physical, emotional or sexual abuse toward you or others. If he or she has ever threatened to hit you or actually struck you, this is a warning sign of future abuse. If he or she puts you down or continually criticizes you, this is a sign of emotional abusiveness.

15. Your fiancé displays signs of drug or alcohol abuse: unexplained absences or missed dates, frequent car accidents, the smell of alcohol or strong odor of mouthwash, erratic behavior or emotional swings, physical signs such as red eyes, unkempt look, unexplained nervousness, etc.

16. Your fiancé displayed a sudden, dramatic change in lifestyle as you began dating. (He or she may be changing just to win you and will revert back to old habits after marriage.)

• Do you recognize any of these caution signs in your relationship? If so, which ones?

If so, we recommend you talk about the situation as soon as possible with a pastor, counselor or mentor.

SPECIAL WARNING: If any of these caution signs are present in your relationship and you are engaging in sexual intercourse, it is imperative that you terminate the physical intimacy immediately. God has your welfare in mind when He forbids sexual connection before marriage. The premature bond this type of intimacy creates will make it extremely difficult for you to make needed changes in your relationship or to break it off.

There was a LOT more to the chapter on the subject of “Evaluating Your Relationship” than we weren’t able to include in this article. Actually, a large part of this particular section of the chapter was adapted from the book, How Can I Be Sure: A Pre-Marriage Inventory by Bob Phillips, published by Harvest House Publishers (which is also a terrific book).

We HIGHLY recommend that you find a way to obtain this workbook. They even have a companion guide for Marriage Leaders, Pastors, Counselors, and Mentor Couples which you can be obtained for those who want to help. If you can’t find the books at a local Christian bookstore, you can obtain them at www.familylife.com.

If one animal is stronger, more stubborn, or lazier than the other, one of them could get hurt, and they’re likely to end up walking in circles. A “team” like that is more like a pair in bondage. Paul uses this illustration to instruct us to be careful about who we “yoke” ourselves to in any kind of relationship that will shape our identity or the way we do things. The application to romantic relationships is obvious since they’re relationships that impact us the most.

If we try to live life yoked together with an unbeliever, it’s nearly impossible to enjoy harmony and agreement. As a team of two, both must be unified in their destination. When the two oxen are pulling in different directions, they’re fighting against each other and the struggle weakens both of them. To stay tied together is foolish. Their ultimate goal will be accomplished.

When God comes into our lives we start to see life through His eyes. Our purposes, passions, and priorities change. Even if we don’t yet know exactly what those priorities are, life itself has greater value simply because God is in it. We have greater confidence in what we can accomplish, because we know that it isn’t done by our strength, but by God’s. We know that anything is possible if God is in it.

As a result, you may suddenly find that things you used to care about —goals, perhaps, that you and your boyfriend had together —now don’t matter. You start reevaluating what you love, and you’re drawn to care about what God cares about. You’re motivated by your love for God, and your desire to please Him comes from your love for Him. Things that neither you nor your boyfriend ever cared much about now mean everything to you. God may call you to move, start a ministry, feed a homeless person, and your boyfriend now sees you as crazy. But in reality, your eyes have opened to life in terms of eternity.

We discover things about life, too, through knowing Christ, things that God “reveals” to us through His Spirit. Suddenly we start saying things like “I’ve been created for a purpose and I’m accountable for living it out” or “I need to forgive, and I don’t have a choice about it” or “All people are measured by God; why should I care what a person thinks about me?”

We want to talk about these things, share these thoughts with others, or even shout about them. But how are you going to feel when you express these things to the most important person in your life, and he stares at you with a blank look on his face? The tension created by this disconnect is likely to make you talk less about God —and worse, to notice Him less in your life.

If you sense this is happening in your relationship, it’s not just a feeling. It’s a warning. Perhaps it’s time to unhitch yourself from the yoke before you do great harm to yourself and the person you love.

At first I couldn’t pinpoint what was so frustrating about trying to persuade Jason to see things my way. I wanted him to understand this new path I’d found and agree to walk down it with me. But like the oxen, we were pulling in different directions, and with every attempt at persuading him to change direction, I was weakened, and I miserably failed.

I now see the difficult situation I put myself in. I was not only pulling against my boyfriend, I was struggling to hold up my relationship with God, a relationship with my boyfriend and my boyfriend’s relationship with God. The burden became too great, and sooner or later, one of them had to go.

I had a real awakening one Sunday. After church, I went home and sat on my porch. The birds were chirping, and it was a beautiful afternoon. I asked God why it was so hard to convince [my boyfriend] Jason that knowing Him was a wonderful thing. I started to journal, and I sensed God’s response to me:

“Listen to the birds … Can you understand them?”

“No.”

“If you wanted to tell them about Me, could you?”

“No.”

“I send birds to minister to the birds. If you tried to tell them about Me and My love, what would happen?”

“I’d get frustrated and give up.”

“Yes, because I haven’t given them the understanding and knowledge of your language. I’d have to open their ears, prepare their hearts. I must be at the foundation of all you do and say, or you might as well be trying to communicate with birds. It’s noise not comprehended; it’s nonsense to their ears. I must be at the foundation of all your life and ministry. The house will collapse without a strong foundation.”

I realized that I was frustrated because Jason and I were speaking different languages. As much as I tried to get him to agree with me, nothing I said worked. I realized it didn’t matter how much I preached and prodded —unless the Holy Spirit was the one who persuaded Jason, nothing would be accomplished. It was by the Holy Spirit prodding me that I came to know God, so how could I expect it to be any different with Jason?

If you and the person you’re dating do not have a foundation rooted in loving Christ first, the relationship you build won’t be stable. This instability will soon turn into a deep dissatisfaction. Any material discontent you’ve ever struggled with does not compare to the vacancy you’ll feel when God’s purpose in your life is being wasted.

Jesus says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. The only way that the burden can be light is if you give this burden to the Lord. The weight of trying to hold up both your own and your boyfriend’s relationship with God is too heavy, and soon enough, one relationship will come crashing down.

At one time I thought that Jason and I had so much in common, and that the way we looked at faith was the only thing we didn’t have in common. So why couldn’t we keep our relationship and work around this one difference?

But what did we have in common that really mattered? When it comes down it it, someone who’s serious about following Jesus doesn’t have that much in common with someone who isn’t. “Oh,” but you say, “there are so many things we have in common: we like the same food, sports, entertainment, and intellectual activities.”

Of course, this can be true. You can be in harmony with almost all of life’s goals. But life goals are much different than life purpose. Goals are something you do; purpose is who you are. If knowing God is the main purpose of your life, it’s devastating when you can’t share this with the person closest to you.

Yes, you can fall in love with an unbeliever. But when it comes down to what really matters, the two of you are speaking different languages. You two are like the oxen going in circles: you think you’re getting somewhere but you keep ending up in the place you started. You love your boyfriend, but you also love God, and the pull of them both will get you nowhere.

After the initial excitement of being in love wears off, you’ll find yourself longing for intimacy that you can find only with someone whose life is firmly rooted in a foundation in Christ. When your life is rooted in Christ you have a whole different purpose for living, and suddenly you find yourself feeling alone in that purpose.

Because your views and desires have changed, neither of you feels free to share the deepest longings of your heart, and neither of you feels understood by the other. There’s no solid common bond to keep the two of you together. Your fulfillment now lies in your relationship with God. This presents a problem because your boyfriend’s satisfaction lies in you. You’re looking to God for fulfillment and your boyfriend is looking to you for fulfillment. Trying to make your lives fit together is like trying to put a square block into a round hole. God created us so that only when we look to Him will we truly be satisfied.

The article above can be found in the book, “BREAKING UP …He’s Just Not That Into God” -by Stina Wilson, published by Kregel Publications. This book challenges your thoughts on what God would want from you when and if you enter into marriage. A few of the questions addressed are: “How do you know if a relationship is godly? What does a ‘godly relationship’ even mean? Does it mean abstinence? What do you do if your relationship isn’t godly?” Building on her personal experience and years of working with students in Young Life, Stina Wilson has written this book to help you answer these complicated questions. Preview or Purchase This Book Now

—ALSO—

Clicking onto the following link will take you to an additional article posted on the Internet on this subject that you can read.

•  LOOKING FOR LOVE: Marrying a Non-Christian

And that holds no less true in the case of being “bound together” with Unbelievers, as it talks about in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18.

As a marriage ministry, we continually receive letters from those who are grieving because of specific problems they are having with their non-Christian spouse (with the problems being specific to issues that surround their different core value systems and Christian beliefs). The difficulties they describe are enormous and very complicated.

Marriage and raising a family, in itself, is difficult enough. It lends itself to problems because of the dynamic of living together in a fallen and sinful world. But when you put the added pressure on top of it, of living in partnership with someone who comes from an entirely different spiritual reference point, it compounds the problems dramatically.

That’s the reason we want to provide you with several links to some thought-provoking articles which are posted on the Crosswalk.com web site. It is our hope that they will challenge the thinking of those of you who are considering, whether the person you are dating (who isn’t a Believer), could truly be “the one” you should marry.

Please prayerfully read the following articles and consider what God is saying to your heart — especially in light of the verses addressed to the church in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18.

The following are links that will take you to these specific articles:

• IS IT WRONG TO DATE A NON-CHRISTIAN?

• DATING NON-CHRISTIANS: Forbidden Fruits Appeal – Part 1

• DATING NON-CHRISTIANS: Forbidden Fruits Appeal – Part 2

• CHOOSING A PARTNER: Dating for Christians Biblical Guidelines

• HELP! I LIKE A NON-CHRISTIAN GUY.

• I’M ATTRACTED TO A NON-CHRISTIAN GIRL

• MALE/FEMALE IMBALANCE In Church Leaves Women Alone

• UNEQUALLY YOKED

Likewise, Christian [Agape] love rather than eros is the central thing we need in marriage. Like first-century man, for whom eros was the basis of mystery religions, modern man has believed in a mystical love notion as the basis for marriage. In both cases, eros has proven to be inadequate. If, on the other hand, our marriages are based on Christian love and the principles of God’s Word, they will not fail.

“Love… bears all things… endures all things. Love never fails.”
(1 Corinthians 13:4,7-8)

Discerning Eros

How can you know if you are being influenced excessively by the romance myth in your dating or marriage choices? Here are a few indicators:

• If you ever ask the question “Is my love for my partner ‘the real thing’?” it strongly suggests you believe in the eros myth described above. There is no answer to such a question because there is no such thing as “the real” eros love in the sense the word is being used here. This question implies that if your love is real, it will not fade in the future. Yet this feeling, like all feelings, will fade at times.

The usual answer to this question is, “You’ll know when it happens, so if you’re still asking, it hasn’t happened yet.” This self-validating answer is untrue and misleading. Christians should consider the fact that this teaching is simply not found in the Bible. What a startling omission this would be in God’s Word if such a love were the true basis for marriage!

On the contrary, the Bible does give us detailed information on the nature of true Christian love and how to practice it. Today, many young Christians are engaging in an unfruitful search for “real” love instead of developing the basic relational skills they will need in marriage. Others, already in a struggling marriage, are wasting time looking for lost eros feelings, or even becoming involved in erotic extra-marital affairs instead of setting about the task of learning to love as Christ loved us.

• When considering the reasons for wanting to marry or date someone, what comes to mind the most prominently? Is it a movement of his eyes? A memory of her body? The scent of her hair? The warm feeling you get when you’re near him? These criteria of all fall into the category of the erotic and, as such, are unrelated to the issue of Christian love.

This is not to say they are incompatible with Christian love, but they should not be confused with it. If these areas of attraction are your sole, or even your main, criteria for marriage, it suggests that romance is your final guide to marriage decisions. Have you considered that virtually every divorced couple in Western society probably felt the same sense of eros attraction for the one they eventually divorced?

Likewise, when we judge the quality of our existing marriage by the presence or absence of strong romantic love of this kind, disappointment is sure to follow. We would be judging our marriage by a standard alien to the Bible and contrary to the way God made us. Before long, those who rely on eros as their standard for marital happiness will find other people who can deliver eros on a level their spouse cannot. The resulting adultery proves nothing except that we should have gone by God’s standards to begin with.

• Do others complain that you are dropping your friendships and responsibilities? “You’re never around anymore!” Of course, some of your friends might be jealous, or your coworkers or bosses might be too picky. But, especially if you hear this kind of feedback from different sources, you should take heed. Eros is like a strong narcotic, and unless you have the maturity to exercise self-control, it tends to usurp other important areas of your lives. And because it is so pleasurable, those under its sway find it easy to rationalize their critics as people who “just don’t understand what it means to be in love.”

For this reason, dating couples should make a commitment to each other to stay involved with their friends and to keep up with their school, work, and ministry responsibilities. They should also carefully consider criticism in this area and be willing to decrease time together if this problem arises.

• Do you tend to become very intimate with your dating partner in a short period of time? This usually means you’re experiencing eros —a pleasurable, even thrilling experience. But it can also create an illusion of intimacy: Strong feelings of attraction lead us to believe we’ve found our soul mate, when in fact we hardly know each other. On this shaky foundation couples initiate increasing intimacy to perpetuate and deepen their romantic feelings for one another. But many forms of intimacy are dangerous in a new dating relationship when we have no way of knowing whether the relationship will progress or fail.

Sexual intimacy, of course, should be reserved for marriage. In addition, wise Christians are cautious when talking about the relationship-how great it would be to be married, how much we love each other, how badly we want to be together —because we could easily be projecting implied promises that tend to build a momentum of their own. We end up feeling pressured to move ahead even if we sense it may be unwise. Some kinds of intimacy should be reserved for much later in a relationship after it has demonstrated real maturity and health.

• Are you unable to articulate your dating partner’s weaknesses? Do your friends say you react with excessive defensiveness to those who offer a criticism? Couples who are “in love” often say that because they never fight or disagree their love is the “real thing.” Eros is notoriously blind to a lover’s weaknesses, and those under its spell tend to respond with outrage to any who poke holes in their idealized image of the other person. Some Christians spiritualize this blindness by claiming that God has “shown them” he approves of their relationship in spite of overwhelming objective evidence that they are in trouble.

By contrast, dating couples who are forging a relationship based on Christian love temper their feelings of attraction with realism. They will not feel compelled to ignore or defend their partner’s character weaknesses, because their love is a commitment to do good to the other person rather than an emotional state to be maintained at all costs. They make constructive criticism, along with encouragement, a part of their relationship from the beginning.

Developing Christian Love

Eros can easily be confused with Christian [agape] love. In both, we may be willing to give unselfishly. In both, the level of communication may seem quite intimate. The key difference is that our giving and communication in romantic relationships is motivated by the good feelings and excitement we constantly derive from the relationship. If these feelings disappear, the basis for giving also disappears.

Stated differently, with eros, when we no longer receive good feelings, we no longer feel able to give as before. We begin to focus on the fact that we are not experiencing love feelings anymore. Although we may explain our problems in terms of behavior rather than love feelings (“She just nags and overeats these days”), we are actually expressing the absence of present love feelings. Married people often complain their spouses no longer communicate or behave like they did when dating. But this change, whether real or perceived, isn’t the issue. The real issue is that we no longer feel the surge of eros feelings like we used to.

We can be sure our spouse had problems when we were dating, but they either went unnoticed or seemed unimportant in light of overwhelming eros desire. Later, without constant eros stimulation, we begin to notice the irritating aspects of our spouse’s behavior. The faults we were willing to overlook before seem to have become worse. We may experience pitiful suffering and confusion as we wonder what went wrong.

Here is the exciting truth: The Bible teaches that practicing Christian love is a learned ability. Therefore, Christians need never be the victim of capricious “love” that comes and goes. According to 1 John 4:7, no one practices Christian love naturally apart from God’s power. The New Testament also teaches that a Christian who consistently practices Christian love is living at the highest level of spiritual maturity. (See Romans 13:10; John 13:34; John 15:12; 2 Peter 1:5-8; and 1 John 2:10.)

Ideally, we should develop the ability to love in this way before we attempt marriage. In cases where this has not occurred, couples must learn Christian love under the sometimes severe pressure of marriage itself —a project that may be uncomfortable but is definitely possible.

Christian love can be expressed at various levels of friendship, whether casual or intimate. But in marriage we hope to be able to love at the deepest or most intimate level. The closer the relationship, the more demanding sacrificial love becomes. We find it relatively easy to protect ourselves from an uncomfortable level of sacrifice in more distant friendships. At most, we may have to give for a limited period of time, but we can always withdraw afterward. But in marriage, we’re usually together on a daily basis in the most trying circumstances. There is little room for retreat.

No wonder many newly married people find themselves confused: Why were they able to get along with their spouses before marriage but not after marriage? The answer often is the lack of real intimacy in the previous relationships compared to that required in marriage. Real closeness and commitment will test the love-giving capability of both partners.

How Will I Know?

Popular singer Whitney Houston poses the question, “How will I know if he really loves me?” The Bible can’t answer a question like this because it relates to the eros myth. A more important question is:

How can we know before marrying that we have the ability to practice Christian love at the most intimate level?

The only way to know for sure is to ascertain that we already practice Christian love in non-romantic intimate relationships. In such friendships, there will not be any chance of confusing Christian love with erotic love. If we succeed in building intimate non-romantic relationships outside marriage, we will almost certainly be able to practice Christian love in marriage even when the eros feelings subside.

If you’re already married, probably no one needs to convince you of the importance of learning a deeper form of love-giving. On the other hand, those who feel fatalistic despair need to submit to the truth of God’s Word. God can and will teach us what we need to know in the area of self-giving love.

If you’re in a distressed marriage, you should realize that the pain you’re feeling is the pressure God wants to use to lift you up to a higher level of Christian maturity. (See 1 Corinthians 10:13 and James 1:4). As a married person, you can also learn how to practice mature Christian love in other relationships outside marriage. These other relationships usually have less tension and lower expectations initially. The skills you develop in non-erotic relationships can, as a rule, be successfully applied to your marriage relationship as well.

The above article comes from the book, The Myth of Romance by Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, published by Bethany House Publishers. Unfortunately, this book is no longer in print so you may have a difficult time locating it. What’s especially unfortunate about this is that in the proceeding chapters of this book they explain more about Christian Agape love —which we know would be so helpful for so many of you. The authors did a great job of explaining it. So, if you’re able to find a copy of this book somewhere we recommend that you get it.

However, below you will find several web site links to articles that we believe can help you with the life-changing decision before you as to whether you should be engaged to marry the person you are considering. Please click onto the following links to read each article:

• IS IT LOVE OR INFATUATION?

•  WE’VE GOT CHEMISTRY

• SHOULD YOU GET ENGAGED?

• CHOOSING A LIFE PARTNER

The following is an article that was written when someone asked us the following questions: “Did God create one life partner for one person? What if you miss him or her and marry the wrong one? My answer:

Your question is quite difficult to answer because who knows the mind of God—except God Himself. But I can give you my educated opinion. I truly believe that God created us to marry one life partner (until death parts us). But I don’t necessarily think there is only one husband or wife out there that is the only one for us.

I think God draws men and women together but ultimately He gives us the choice. When we lack wisdom, the Bible tells us to ask for it and God will give it to us generously (James 1:5). I believe this also pertains to who we decide to marry. If we truly want what is best for us in who we marry, we need to ask God for wisdom and then pursue looking for the answer He will provide. But then as the Bible also tells us in James chapter 1, we need to make sure that when we ask we believe without doubting His answer—believing in His loving care.

The problem we often have is we think that God wants to give us what makes us immediately happy. Author Al Janssen gives us a good insight into this faulty way of thinking. He says, “Happiness and self-fulfillment are natural by-products of marriage as God intend —not the primary purpose for marriage. The first marriage (with Adam and Eve) was at least as much about relating to God as it was about relating to each other.”

We seem to get the idea that marriage is all about us and our love and not about how it pertains to anyone else. That’s so untrue! “Marriage is a covenant relationship that God wants to use for His glory to give the world a glimpse of what He is like” (Al Janssen). It’s a living picture displayed through a husband and wife of God’s love for His church the Bride.

Marriage is also “a tool and a test to deepen your love, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. Marriage is not about you. It’s about God —reflecting the love and character of Christ in all we do” (Emerson Eggerichs). That’s why it’s so important to “consider the cost” of the sacrifice God intends for us to live out for the rest of our lives before the wedding. Because once we marry—once we make that solemn vow before God, He intends for us to follow through with that which we promised.

As it says in the Bible, “This is what the Lord commands: When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge he must not break his word but must do everything he said” (Numbers 30:1-2). And that’s why it’s so important for us to pray in earnest that we will marry the one who will help us to live out our vows to the fullest.

When we find someone who “seems” like they would be the best spouse for us, we may “pray”—but all too often deep down, we already have our mind made up that we’re sure this would be God’s choice for us because that person “seems” to be the one who would be the best spouse for us. God doesn’t always see things our way.

What immediately looks good to us—the one we’re certain God would approve of (because they “appear” to be the best for us) may not actually be the best choice for our lives in the long term (it may, but it also may not be). That’s why we need to earnestly seek true wisdom from God and be living in close relationship with God so we know when God is speaking to us.

The Bible says, “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires” (Romans 8:5).

We need to be patient in deciding who to marry and really look at whether they would be the best spiritual partner for us as well as life partner—because when we marry God intends for us to be joined with them spiritually for the rest of our lives. And if they don’t live out that which God values as being important, that could forever greatly affect our lives (and our future children and so many others) in very negative ways.

We want to be careful with whom we promise to spend the rest of our lives. Will that person be the type who will be committed to help you (and for you to help them) live out your lives together to the glory of God so others are affected in a positive way because of your union?

Something to consider on what marriage is really about is living together in an intimate working relationship with each other and with God. As author and speaker, David Ferguson said,

“Maybe God created us with a duality of neediness—both an intimate relationship with God and with meaningful others (like our spouse). Why did God do that? It’s possible that God has given us humans horizontal relationships to serve as a context in which we live out that which we claim to know and believe about God. Maybe the beautiful part of what marriage is all about is to challenge us in an environment of accountability, to live out that which we claim to know and believe about God.”

Someone once said, “The point of life is not to focus on the blessings of life, but to be a part of God’s bigger story.” And being a part of God’s bigger story may not involve marrying the one who looks the most obvious that they’re “the one” for us. It may be like in the Bible when God chose David to be king when everyone else overlooked him and didn’t even start to consider him. His brothers looked like more obvious ones to choose than David. But David is described as “a man after God’s own heart.”

When it comes down to choosing a spouse, I’d much rather choose someone who is a “man after God’s own heart” than someone who appears to look good on the outside but really isn’t the one to team up with to effectively participate in God’s “bigger story” for blessing the world we’re placed in.

With that said, I think there may be several choices in this world of individuals that could make a really good spouse for us should we meet them and eventually choose one of them. I don’t necessarily believe there is only one person in the world for us to choose. The timing of meeting them, the person they are when we meet them, and where we are in our own maturity and the circumstances currently happening in our lives will all play into whether someone would be the best choice to be our spouse for that time in our lives. Continually asking God for wisdom when we meet someone will eventually help us to know whether we should pursue getting to know them better as a potential spouse.

But I also believe that once we marry someone—at the moment we make the vow to “love, honor, and cherish them, forsaking all others, until we’re parted by death” as we pronounce in the marriage ceremony, it then becomes a sacred covenant—not only between us and our spouse—but also with God Himself. And that isn’t something to be taken lightly.

At that moment, they become our life partner—whether it was God’s first choice for us or not. At that moment we need to apply the Bible verse to our life that says, “…forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14).

God has a purpose for us to marry. If He didn’t He never would have created marriage in the first place. And part of the reason to marry is to display what it is to “live a life of love” (as God talks about in the Bible in Ephesians chapter 4) and wants to live within each one of us to give out to others. Another part is to show others the miracles He can do through those who are yielded to His ways. And another part is to display what true, promise-keeping love looks like. God is a promise-keeper and His children are commanded to do no less.

You asked if I believe that God created one life partner for one person. My answer is no. You also asked, “What if you miss that person and marry the ‘wrong one’? I think something author and speaker Zig Ziglar said makes a lot of sense on this issue when talking to someone who thought maybe they HAD married the wrong person when he said,

“I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy successful. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s possible that you did marry the wrong person. However if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having marriage the right person after all.

On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you.”

I know like that seems like a long answer to simply say, when you marry, even the wrong person then becomes the “right person” because you’ve committed your life to be their team-mate for the rest of your lives. You make a vow to each other before God and WITH God. Your vow from that day forward is to be “promise keepers.”

You need to really be very PRAYERFUL AND CAREFUL on your wedding day to marry someone who is committed to both God and to you. Someone once said this prayer which is so true, “Lord, help me to find a spouse who love Thee, because then I know in my heart they will love me.”

I hope all of what I said gives you some serious food for thought. Not everyone is “called” be married. The apostle Paul talks about that subject and challenges those who aren’t married to realize that marriage WILL bring trouble. And it will. But marriage is also wonderful when you find the right person who is as committed to making it work to the glory of God as you are.

As Bill Hybels, in his wonderful book, Fit to Be Tied says (which I thoroughly agree with),

“Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But if it becomes that, it is because both partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way. They will have died to selfishness a thousand times. They will have had countless difficult conversations. They will have endured sleepless nights and strained days. They will have prayed hundreds of prayers for wisdom and patience and courage and understanding. They will have said ‘I’m sorry’ too many times to remember. They will have been stretched to the breaking point often enough to have learned that, unless Christ is at the center of both of their lives, the odds for achieving marital satisfaction are very, very low.”

The verb “bound together” literally means “unequally yoked.” Paul is recalling the Old Testament command in Deuteronomy 22:10, “You shall not plow with an ox and a donkey together.”

God forbade yoking together beasts of such diverse sizes and strengths because the excessive chafing of the yoke would injure both animals. In the same way, Paul says that a binding relationship between a Christian and a non-Christian will be mutually injurous because they are so essentially different.

Of course, some marriages eventually become centered around God when the non-believing spouse later comes to Christ. However, for every instance where an unequally yoked marriage recovers in this way, there are a dozen tragedies. When a true Christian marries a non-Christian, there is almost certainly great suffering ahead. Christians who violate God’s will in this way have based their marriage relationships around something or someone other than Christ. They have compromised their relationship with God.

We can be thankful that God will not reject us for such lapses in judgment. But He has never promised to preserve us from pain when we defy His will. Besides the pain we will likely bear from such a decision, compromising our faith suggests that Jesus Christ is not the most important Person in our life. This will hardly increase respect for our faith.

More importantly, there is no reason to believe that a non-Christian (or a “Christian” who is uninterested in the things of God) will change after marriage. The record shows that this rarely happens, and the Bible pointedly reminds us that God gives us no such assurance. Paul asks of mixed partners in 1 Corinthians 7:16,” …how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” Remember, we are free to choose whom we marry, but we are also responsible for the possible lifelong consequences.

How easily we can say, “I’m ready to accept that responsibility,” until we experience the painful results of ignoring God’s will! Often an unequally yoked person returns to follow God closely years later and faces stiff opposition from a non-Christian spouse. Even worse, unequally yoked believers may permanently compromise their commitment to Christ in order to keep peace in the home. Children also invariably suffer in such marriages.

Considering the clear biblical teaching against marrying non-Christians, Christians need to be honest with themselves when they consider entering, or continuing, a romantic relationship of this sort. Embarking on such a relationship, they are really denying that God knows best how to bring fulfillment into their lives, and that he is committed to their good. (See Matthew 7:11 and Deuteronomy 10:13.) Such a denial constitutes a betrayal of what we say we believe about God: that he is our wise and loving heavenly Father who always seeks our good.

Before going ahead, ask yourself: What evidence can you find that God has ever been wrong or unloving in His dealings with you? When have you ever regretted, in any lasting way, following God’s will? Why would this issue be any different?

No matter how “right” a relationship feels, God’s will concerning seriously dating or marrying a non-Christian will not change. If you find yourself drawn toward such a situation, resolve now to obey God despite the cost. Any delay only makes the decision harder. Even though you may feel terrible pain for a while, you will look back later and realize this decision was one of the best you ever made.

We have never met a Christian who wishes he or she had gone ahead into marriage with their non-Christian dating partner. But we have met scores of miserable Christians who would do anything if they could go back and change their decision to marry a non-Christian or a disinterested Christian. Seek out an older Christian for advice and support as you trust God. You’ll be thankful sooner than you think!

The above article comes from the book, The Myth of Romance written by Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, published by Bethany House Publishers. Unfortunately, this book is no longer in print so you may have a difficult time locating it.

What is especially unfortunate about this is that they have even more information in this book that could help those who are contemplating marriages as well as those who are married. So, if you’re able to find a copy of this book somewhere we recommend that you get it.

I shall never forget the time I heard a pastor explain that any regenerated sinner who joins with one who is not is like Doctor Frankenstein: creating a monster over which he eventually will lose control.

When a woman who is alive in Christ disobediently binds herself to an unbeliever, it is the same as amputating a leg from a corpse, then surgically attaching that dead, decaying appendage to her living body. The leg will never regenerate. Instead, it will cause infection and spread disease and poison throughout her entire being. And, she will have to live with the consequences of that action for the rest of her physical life.

The main reason God is against unequal yoking is that it is an affront to His holiness. God is separate and set apart from all that is sinful and evil. Those who belong to Him are to emulate His purity. God has commanded, “You shall be holy for I am holy” (Lev. 11:45).

Intermarriage reduces the purity factor in the life of the believer and adulterates the divine institution of marriage, which should be a reflection of the Christ-church relationship. Although, in His grace, God does not look upon the Christian wife or the children as defiled or impure, He must turn His back on the unbelieving mate, who abides in a permanent state of evil rather than in Him.

God cannot commune with the unsaved mate. Positionally he is unholy— unrighteous —because he has not been redeemed, so his sin is a barrier that walls him off from the presence and grace of God.

Not only is the purposeful joining of the believer to an unbeliever an affront to God’s holiness, but the lifestyle of someone who is not a Christian also offends the Lord. During the time of the prophet Ezra the children of Israel had married outside of the faith. God’s reaction was so pronounced that He demanded that every unbelieving mate be banished from the nation Israel.

Why did God react so strongly to this intermarriage? Ezra says it was because the unbelievers committed abominations against the Lord. What were the abominations? Worship of false gods and of idols, and participation in all of the paganism that was involved in the accompanying rituals.

If you trace what happens to God’s children when they get involved with unbelievers, you will find drunkenness, murder, rape, incest, adultery, and desecration of the true worship procedures God has instituted. Reflect on David; what happened when he pursued Bathsheba?

You may recall that Solomon, who Scripture says is the wisest man who ever lived, foolishly brought heathen wives into the temple. This act almost destroyed him. He didn’t do this when he was young and impetuous. He committed this sin when he was an old man. In his twilight years he was a broken man; depressed, despondent, and guilt-ridden, because he disobeyed God’s law about intermarriage.

… God’s direct command in 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God.”

These verses consist of two parts. The first is the command to not be unequally yoked. Obviously, it is addressed to Christians. The second part deals with the rationale behind why it is sinful, even unthinkable, for a believer who belongs to God and is indwelt by the Holy Spirit, to link up with someone who belongs to Satan and is under his dominion.

To emphasize the impossibility of a believer uniting in a permanent relationship with an unbeliever, Paul asks several rhetorical questions. One is, “What partnership have righteousness and lawlessness?” He is referring to the fact of the believer’s position in Christ. When we receive Christ we made righteous in God’s eyes. He accepts us because we are clothed in Christ’s righteousness. It is, therefore, inconceivable that one who is in a position of perfection would attach herself to one who is totally sinful.

He also asks what fellowship light has with darkness. The Greek word for fellowship is koinonia. It implies an intimate relationship, a communion of souls. John tells us that “God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all” (1 John 1:5). We are ordained to walk in the light and have fellowship with the Lord. If we unite with someone who is not walking in God’s light, we are blocking His illumination in our lives, melding with the darkness of sin and choosing to live in the shadow of evil.

The next comparison is potent. Paul asks how Christ and the devil can have harmony. Obviously, they can’t. When a believer marries an unbeliever, disharmony is a natural result. The disobedient Christian is intentionally joining a child of God to a child of Satan, forming an unholy alliance with the evil one, when in reality a Christian has already pledged herself to a holy union with the living God.

The above article comes from the terrific book, “Beloved Unbeliever” by Jo Berry, published by Zondervan Publishing House www.zondervan.com. This book could truly help those who are married to unbelieving spouses. And it can also help those who are contemplating marrying someone who isn’t a believer, as you can see from the above material. The important thing if you read it while you’re contemplating marriage to an unbeliever would be to read it realizing that the author is trying to help women who have ALREADY married an unbeliever. It’s to help them with the distressing situation they’re already experiencing because of their unequally yoked situation.

Jo knew what it was like to live with an unbelieving spouse and also interviewed dozens of women who are married to unbelievers. In this book they share the greatest difficulties they encounter(ed) and practical ways to handle the problems.

As Jo shared,

“One of the most grievous and difficult situations a Christian woman ever faces is that of being unequally yoked: being married to a man who is not a believer. … She is supposed to live according to the dictates of Scripture, to be a help-meet and submissive wife, yet at the same time she carries the burden of knowing her husband is neither spiritually awakened nor secure for eternity. She and her husband probably differ sharply about what their lifestyle should be. Many women in this position have shared with me that they feel hopeless.”

Although this book is designed to give women caught in this situation hope, Jo warns Christian women who haven’t yet married NOT to put themselves in this position by marrying an unbeliever. It’s a direct violation of God’s word and the consequences are greater than anyone could imagine.

Jo goes on to say,

“Since the only way to combat ignorance is with proper knowledge, this places a burden on Christians and the church to see that everyone in the body is taught God’s command to not be unequally yoked. We must teach this principle to young people so they can establish godly patterns for dating and selecting a mate. We have to teach it to parents so they can pass it on to their children and ingrain it into their early childhood instruction. An ounce of prevention is worth a lifetime of heartache.”

We pray that if you aren’t married to an unbeliever, by reading this book, you will see how unrealistic it is to think you’ll escape the heartache that you’re bound to experience if you marry one. What you do after we warn you is not something we can prevent, but we pray that between reading this book and heeding the authors warnings and ours, and most importantly God’s warnings throughout the Bible, you will refrain from doing so.

Deciding who you will marry is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. In a kingdom courtship, the primary reason for marriage should be the conviction that a particular match is God’s choice for you—not just a good choice, but God’s choice.

Most of the time, you won’t have the luxury of choosing between people or circumstances that are totally bad or totally good. Nearly all your choices will appear good in some way, but only one will be part of God’s perfect plan —His best for you. The chief enemy you fight in choosing God’s best will be your own strong inclination to make a good choice instead of a God choice.

Before you can determine whom to marry, you must first answer an preliminary question: Does God want you to marry anyone, ever? Or is His plan for you to remain single? Scripture teaches that marriage, like salvation, is an unmerited gift from God (Genesis 2:18). When God wanted Adam to have a wife, He brought her to him. Their marriage was a gift from God. But Scripture also tells us that singleness is God’s gift as well.

“I wish that all men were as I am. but each man has his own gift from God,“ said the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:7. He wished all men were single like he was and free from the stresses of married life so they could devote themselves to God’s work. “But each man has his own gift from God.” In other words, God will either give to a person the gift of being married or the gift of being single.

People who are perpetually lonely as singles are usually the same people who are worried about what isn’t happening to them instead of what they should be doing to minister to others. Their focus is inward, not upward. In 1 Corinthians 7, we’re told to acknowledge singleness as good, allow it for our spiritual growth and use it for God.

C. S. Lewis was single most of his life. He taught at Oxford and Cambridge Universities and used his free time as a single to write some of the best Christian literature available in the world today. As he grew older and was nearing retirement age, he met and married a woman he came to love intensely in their 3 short years together. What would the world have missed if Lewis had married earlier someone whom God had not chosen?

It happens. Singles become consumed with the idea of how wonderful life would be if they just had a marriage partner, and then they make concessions and compromises that lead to marriage out of God’s timing and out of God’s will. To feel accepted by another person and avoid the stigma of being single, they enter into unhealthy relationships and compromise values they once held dear.

The more consumed you become with the idea of marriage and/or sex, the more easily you can slip into a pattern of fantasizing. It might start as innocently as fantasizing about being with another person, perhaps someone at work or church. Then you might progress to fantasizing about the children you’d have together or where you would live. If they continue unchecked, your thoughts could become a full-blown X-rated video that stays stuck on replay in your mind until it replays in your life. The powerful feelings that accompany such thoughts can lead people into marriages God never ordained and intimate relationships He never approved.

The Bible declares that as a man “thinketh in heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7, KJV). What a strange thought! How can you think with your heart? We normally associate thought with the brain and feelings with the heart. The phrase “to think in the heart” refers to thoughtful reflection. Many ideas are briefly entertained by the mind without ever penetrating the heart. But those ideas that do grasp us in our innermost parts are the ideas that shape our lives. When our thoughts are corrupted, our lives follow suit. We are what we think.

If God gives you the gift of singleness, He may use that quality in a special way that wouldn’t be available to you as a married person—for a season or a lifetime. God’s sovereign will is always meant for your good and His glory. If and when God decides you can best serve Him as a team member with a life partner, you won’t need to change Sunday school classes, search the singles ads, or join a dating service He will work out the circumstances. “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22). This favor of the Lord is what God extends to His children in arranging the circumstances for them to meet their life partners.

It also helps to remember that there are a great many circumstances worse than not being married. One of them is being married to someone who doesn’t share your love and desire for God—someone whose commitment divides your commitment.

The life of Hudson Taylor is a powerful lesson in the value of God’s wisdom regarding marriage. Taylor was an English missionary who died in 1910 after spending more than 50 years as a missionary in China. When he went there in 1854, nearly 380 million people in the country’s vast interior had never seen a Westerner nor heard the name of Christ. With a heart for God, Taylor penetrated deep into Chinese culture. He dressed like the Chinese, learned their language, and lived among them. By the end of his life, 205 preaching stations, 849 missionaries, and 125,000 Chinese Christians were a testimony to a life surrendered to God.

Hudson Taylor wielded a spiritual influence far beyond China. Even today, the ripple effect of his ministry is a part of our lives as Chinese Christians number in the hundreds of thousands world-wide. Taylor was single when he left England, but he eventually married another missionary in China. A small sentence in one history book has always intrigued me: “In England, Taylor had left behind his unfinished medical studies and the girl he had hoped to marry. She had refused to come with him.” What would the world have missed if Taylor had stayed home to marry someone God hadn’t chosen?

God tested Taylor when He made him choose between God’s will and his own desires. The day came in Taylor’s life when he had to decide if it was important to be in God’s will or be married—the God choice over the good choice.

God still tests us today. We can’t assume that the woman Taylor left behind was ugly, irritable, or contentious. He was a man of character who probably kept the company of godly woman. Many people may have thought it was a good match, and perhaps the couple could have had a good marriage. But every good choice isn’t God’s choice.

If God gives you the gift of singleness, He may use that quality in a special way that wouldn’t be available to you as a married person—for a season or a life time.

God’s favor wasn’t lost on Hudson Taylor. In China, he eventually met and fell in love with 22-year-old Maria Dyer, the much-admired daughter of prestigious missionary parents. They had an uncommonly happy marriage because they shared a deep passion to evangelize China even at great personal sacrifice.

Seven years before his marriage to Maria and after his breakup with his fiancé, Taylor made a God choice that was painful and agonizing at the time. “What can I do?” he wrote to his sister. “I know I love her. To go to China without her would make the world a blank.” Instead of the “blank” life Taylor feared—the life we all fear—God brought purpose to his pain and honored his sacrifice. Even though it may have felt like a long wait, God was in the waiting. And so it is with us.

When we decide on our own that we’re compatible or totally in love with another person and therefore refuse to seek or wait for God’s instruction, He will allow us to choose the good—His permissive will. But we will miss the best—His perfect will. The problem is that things don’t work right when we’re in only the permissive will of God (1 Corinthians 6:12).

In his popular workbook, Experiencing God, Henry Blackaby suggests we “find out where God is working and join Him there.” We, on the other hand, are more likely to say, “God, here’s the person I want to marry. Will You bless us?” The difference is the approach. One approach puts God at the center while the other puts ourselves at the center. When we make choices independent of God and then ask for His blessing, we’re asking God to approve an idea that originated with us, not Him.

Throughout Scripture, God always takes the initiative. He sets the agenda. “We adjust our lives to God so He can do through us what He wants to do,” says Blackaby. “God is not our servant to make adjustments to our plans. We re His servants and we adjust our lives to what He is about to do.”

Once again we’re back to the difference between a good idea and a God idea. How many times have we heard people say, “If God gave me a brain, He must expect me to use it”? Even though God gave us the ability to reason and make choices, what did He say about our thoughts compared to His?

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

God’s knowledge and wisdom are far greater than ours. He can see the entire landscape while we concentrate on a single valley. We would be foolish to try to fit God into our mold and conform Him to our plans. Yes, He did give us a brain, and we should be smart enough to know that God’s even smarter.

Once again, what’s the difference between a good idea and a God idea? A good idea will work some of the time; a God idea will work all the time. Scripture warns us not to lean on our own understanding but to trust God wholeheartedly (Proverbs 3:5). When we’re not willing to submit to God’s leadership and authority in our lives, God will let us follow our own devices. In following them, we will never experience what God is waiting and wanting to do in us and through us.

Christians must realize that it’s more important to be certain that a marriage is God’s will than to judge our suitability for marriage by love, attraction, or compatibility. Our situations change and we grow through the years. We cannot predict future compatibility on our own. When we accept compatibility as a primary basis of marriage, we can be led into cultural traps such as living together before marriage to make sure we are compatible. Only God knows the end from the beginning. He is the one who creates love, not man.

It was Ruth’s mother-in-law, Naomi, who made the choice of a husband for her (Ruth 3). It wasn’t love at first sight, getting to know each other, or even a passionate kiss that brought Boaz and Ruth together. Romance wasn’t the issue, although the story later became beautifully romantic as Ruth and Boaz developed an unselfish love and deep respect for each other. The issue was obedience, a “rightness” about the relationship. God was working in the situation, and He was using Naomi’s kindness and moral integrity to guide Ruth. As a result, Ruth later became the great-grandmother of King David and direct ancestor of Jesus.

Does the story of Boaz and Ruth interrupt your romantic vision of passionate love? Would you like the story more if the two had been lovers who glimpsed each other across the wheat field and became passionately attracted? It happens to some people in some situations, but the qualities that are attractive in the beginning may prove difficult to live with in the long run. The man who falls in love with a woman’s attentiveness may find it is the very quality that drives him crazy when he can’t get enough space. The woman who falls in love with a man’s drive to succeed may find that quality irritating and destructive when he spends more time at work than at home.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren, author of the popular book Finding the Love of Your Life, says your choice of whom to marry is more critical than everything else combined that you’ll ever do to make your marriage succeed. “If you choose wisely,” he says, “your life will be significantly easier and infinitely more satisfying. But if you make a serious mistake, your marriage may fail, causing you and perhaps your children immeasurable pain. Most of the failed marriages I have encountered were in trouble the day they began dating. The two people involved simply chose the wrong person to marry.”

What might seem like a good choice at the time may not be a God choice for a lifetime. If you “lean on your own understanding,” you may someday feel like the person who fell out of the raft into the Colorado River: The more you struggle, the deeper you go.

Just as Ruth was unaware of the larger purpose God had in mind for her life, you can’t see the larger picture of your life. Because of Ruth’s faithful obedience, her life and legacy carried great significance even though she couldn’t see the end result. In a similar way, your faithfulness to God’s leadership will bring a significance to your life that will extend beyond your lifetime. The question is not how to find a mate, but who will find the mate. God will direct you in choosing God’s best.

The above edited article can be found in an expanded form in the great book, “Choosing God’s Best” by Dr Don Raunikar. This book is the result of what he saw as a therapist and experienced as a single person before marrying his wife Kimberly.

The late Dr Raunikar was the director of New Life Clinics in Houston, Texas as well as a psychotherapist who specialized in singles issues. He lead Christian singles seminars nationwide and oversaw Lifehouse, a Christian home for young women experiencing crisis pregnancies.

This book delves into real issues that offers proven, biblical principles for creating godly relationships and a deeply satisfying courtship—rather than just dating—which many will argue is the current system that’s in desperate need of reform. It is straightforward and scriptural and will help you see how your attitude toward today’s relationships will affect your marriage and family in the future.

 Just because we walk through parts of our lives together, it doesn’t mean our souls are destined to be knit together for the rest of our lives. Being “soul mates” is more about MAKING our lives work together, rather than just thinking that destiny makes it work.

Author Gary Thomas has a lot of interesting things to read on this subject.

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