A safe support system is one that helps you grow closer to God and stay focused on Him —regardless of your circumstances. A word of caution is appropriate here: Be careful not to seek support from someone of the opposite gender. Protect your emotions and the emotions of those around you. At least half of the people we talk with whose marriages are in crisis say they or their spouses are involved in adulterous relationships that began as “innocent” friendships. You are in a vulnerable place right now, and the next step you take needs to be the one that draws you closer to God.

(Marriage Missions Editors Note: We will give you several of the ideas that were noted in the book “Yes, You Can Save Your Marriage.” However, there are more illustrations and points made within the book that we are not able to share with you. You would need to obtain the book to read the rest.)

• Build a prayer team. Prayer is a key part of your support system —especially if your spouse is unwilling to work on the marriage with you. However, don’t expect all your prayer support to come from just one person or else you will run the risk of wearing out your welcome. Proverbs 25:17 says, “Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house —too much of you, and he will hate you.” Strong words, but true when it comes to placing unrealistic expectations on others. Build a same-gender prayer team of 3-5 people in order to spread out your phone calls and prayer requests.

• Find a same-gender support partner. It is vital that you have someone to walk alongside you if your marriage is in crisis. My best friend from high school was my support partner during my separation from Joe. Karin prayed for our marriage and helped me stay focused on God. Neither of us knew a lot about the Bible, but we searched the Scriptures together and asked our pastors and leaders lots of questions. As a result, we helped each other grow spiritually. A word of caution here: Just as Moses was instructed to look for special qualities when choosing people to help him, your support partner should exhibit these three qualities:

1. A healthy fear of God (Proverbs 1:7)
2. A steadfast love for the truth of God’s Word (Proverbs 2:1-5)
3. A willingness to regularly pray for your marriage (1 Peter 4:7-8)

• Attend a same-gender support group. Most communities offer a variety of faith-based support groups that deal with specific needs. Find a support group that centers on Christian principles. If your church doesn’t offer anything, contact one of the larger Christian churches in your area.

Mary is an example of someone who found the comfort she needed in the same gender support group after her husband walked out: “When I realized my husband had been unfaithful, I was devastated. The words separation and divorce weren’t even part of my vocabulary. I was a Christian —active in our church —and I believed and trusted God for direction in my life. When my husband said he was leaving me, I panicked and I didn’t know where to turn. I was embarrassed and hurt, and all I could think about was saving my marriage.

“At first I was hesitant to go to our church leaders because I was teaching in a Christian school and was afraid of losing my job. Instead, I contacted a ministry outside our church for advice. Through this ministry, I was able to find a Christian women’s support group about 15 miles from home.

…”My prayer group, which consisted of seven ladies —some from my church —was also an important part of my support system. When my husband first left me, one of the ladies called my every morning just to make sure I was up and ready to go to work. Another allowed me to call her late at night if I needed to, which was very helpful. That was sometimes the hardest and loneliest part of the day. God seemed to work it out so that I had contact with one of these ladies every day. I could never have gone through my marriage crisis without my weekly support group and their prayers.”

• Attend a group Bible study. Attending a Bible study offers you an opportunity to meet other people who are spiritually mature. The discussion times will help you grow in your relationship with the Lord and with others. Choose a Bible study in which the leaders have been trained to teach solid doctrine. The apostle Paul wrote to Titus, “You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance. Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good” (Titus 2:1-3).

• Be disciplined by a mature Christian (especially if you are a new believer). In your church or Bible study, find someone who is more spiritually mature than you. This person needs to know Scripture well enough to help you stay on track biblically. When Joe and I were separated, I was discipled by two women. After I read about the importance of older women teaching younger women (see Titus 2:3-5), I asked a retired school teacher from my Sunday school class if she would be willing to disciple me.

Leah and I met every Friday morning. Instead of going through a structured study, I asked her for advice in particular situations —either with Joe, the kids, or my work. She would usually say, “Well, I’m not sure what you should do, but let’s go to God’s Word and see what He thinks you should do.” It was a great way for me to learn how to find biblically-based answers for daily living.

The other woman who discipled me was about my age, but she had been a Christian and studied the Bible longer than I had. Sally and I lived near each other and walked together every morning for exercise. She lovingly confront me every time I took Scripture out of context to get my way —which was more often than I’d like to admit.

Guard Your Heart

Having a safe support system if your spouse isn’t there for you will help you avoid making many of the same mistakes we and others have made. But you will also have to take extra precautions to guard your heart when you are feeling lonely. Here are some steps that can help:

• Avoid thinking of yourself as single. Look at your ring finger on your left hand right now. Are you wearing a wedding ring? I (Joe) do a “ring check” almost every week with my Thursday night men’s group. I remind the guys whose marriages are in crisis that they are still married —even if their spouses have filed for divorce. If you start thinking you are single because your spouse isn’t working on the marriage or has filed for divorce, you’re believing a lie, and it isn’t from God. It doesn’t matter how hopeless things may look. Stay focused on God, wear your wedding band, and keep your heart prepared to reconcile with your spouse. Until your spouse dies or remarries, God’s best is for you to be content in your circumstances so He can work a miracle.

• Avoid going to a single’s ministry if you are still married. Some churches have active single’s ministries that offer an array of wonderful programs. However, if you are still married or recently divorced and still vulnerable, it is best to avoid social settings that could lead to an emotional or physical bond that might prevent reconciliation with your spouse.

• Avoid spouse bashing. Some support groups overly focus on the negative behaviors of spouses. Naturally, if domestic violence or severe verbal abuse is present, it is important not to deny the offense. However, a healthy support group will help you make positive changes rather than focus on what your spouse is doing wrong. If you find that the people in your group are spending the majority of their time discussing the shortcomings of their spouses, it is probably time to move on and find a healthier group.

• Avoid dropping your support system once your crisis is over. We pray that your marriage will become a relationship that glorifies God. However, don’t do what so many people do once they reconcile with their spouses: They drop their support system. We have watched people fall from the mountaintop of reconciliation to the pit of deep despair because their focus shifted back to their spouses and their problems. Without their support system in place, they stopped doing all the things that initially helped them shift their focus to God.

The above article can be found in the book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, by Joe and Michelle Williams, published by Tyndale House Publishers. This is a Focus on the Family book which gives “12 Truths for Rescuing Your Relationship.”

Joe and Michelle Williams know first hand about saving a marriage —because theirs was saved. They were separated in 1987 (and close to divorce). As they say, “We were angry and confused. We were also left wondering where the ‘church’ was in our seemingly hopeless situation. Because we’d both experienced marriage and divorce in our pasts before we became committed Christians, we were determined to figure out a way to deal with our problems and avoid yet another failed marriage.” That started their search for resources and a healthy support system to help them.

Since that time, they have reconciled, rebuilt their marital relationship and co-founded the International Center for Reconciling God’s Way, Inc. and eventually went into ministry full time. The book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, is a book that has developed as a result of the principles God has taught them —that they share with others. It’s a great resource! Preview or buy this book now.

Rule #1:
Stay Calm, Manage Your Own Crisis

While your friend describes his or her crisis, you’ll get pulled into the emotion and you’ll feel a sense of urgency. Don’t interrupt to tell your own story or make suggestions about how to handle the problems. Don’t ignore either facts or feelings. Don’t judge or take sides. Rather, calm your own rising emotion and panic. Employ emotion-focused coping strategies (relaxing, praying for calm, breathing deeply, slowing yourself, telling yourself that you have time to think and not to become swept into the other person’s panic).

Rule #2:
Calm Your Friend

Once you have yourself in hand, calm your friend. Buy time so that more reasoned decisions can be made. Don’t make immediate decisions. Instead of having your friend blurt out his or her story, offer coffee, tea, or soda. Move casually and appear relaxed, even if you don’t feel relaxed. (Naturally if someone reports a situation that must be acted on immediately —such as an injury or potentially harmful situation —act speedily, but generally crisis don’t require split-second action.)

Have your friend sit. Speak softly, which will help your friend speak more quietly and less hurriedly. If emotions run high, ask questions that require your friend to think. Give choices, such as “Would you rather talk in here or go outside on the patio?” Whatever causes thought lowers emotion. If you cannot understand your friend because he or she is too disorganized or confused, pause and say, “I want to understand you, but I can’t. Start at the beginning and tell me what happened.” Prompt your friend with questions if he or she omits crucial events.

Rule #3:
Listen Before You Give Advice

When you listen to a person who is in crisis, you are sometimes overwhelmed with the emotion pouring out. Ask yourself, “What’s the problem?” If you can’t tell what the problem is, you won’t be able to help solve it. Early in your conversation, determine whether someone might be harmed —either your friend or some other person (perhaps even yourself).

A primary objective of crisis first aid is to ensure people’s safety. Therefore, know the facts. Ask open-ended, not yes-no, questions. you’ll learn more by letting your friend tell what is going on than by trying to guide him or her. Reassure when concerns are easily addressed, but don’t give too much reassurance, which weakens your credibility because you are perceived offering advice when you do not understand the problem.

Rule #4:
Think

Your friend’s thoughts have been directed down a narrow channel. As he or she tells the story, your thoughts get directed down the same channel. Don’t get tunnel vision looking down that channel. Don’t leave issues or obstacles to action unexplored because the person dismisses those alternatives. You might see things that a person who is involved in the issue cannot see. Don’t accept a jumble of needs without clarifying them. Get the person to set priorities. Find out what must be done immediately and what can be put off until later.

Rule #5:
Explore Alternatives

Don’t try to solve problem now. Use your friend’s priorities to guide your focus. Suggest possible solutions, but be careful. Actions will have consequences, so explore with the person the likely ramifications of all solutions before the person decides to carry out a solution. Encourage the person not to make long-term decisions (such as whether to divorce or separate) now. Instead, emphasize immediate problems (such as where to stay, what to do about deadlines, whether to go home). Explore the obstacles to actions rather than just talking about actions and their consequences.

Rule #6:
Choose a Course of Action

People often begin to describe the crisis with a catastrophic conclusion. …Instead of trying immediately to dissuade the person from the most catastrophic possibility, acknowledge that it is indeed one solution, but don’t accept it as the only solution. In crisis, give advice but don’t coerce your friend to accept your advice, regardless of how convinced you are that your advice is sound and your friend’s planned actions portend disaster. Don’t emotionally blackmail your friend. Explore the options and let your friend make his or her own decisions.

Rule #7:
Repeat the Plan

Have your friend repeat the plan before leaving. What seems to have been a clear course of action to both of you while he or she was under your calming influence may appear stupid and harmful five minutes after leaving you. Or your friend may feel confused and not recall making a decision. To help your friend remain committed to his or her decision, have him or her repeat the plan. (This will also help you see whether the plan has been understood.)

Rule #8:
Follow Up

Don’t assume that your friend will follow through on the plan. Crises often debilitate and immobilize well-meaning people. Get your friend to agree to allow you to phone him or her the next morning or the next day to check on how things went. Establish a concrete plan for the person to link up with an after-care helper, such as the pastor or a counselor. Make that part of the plan and have your friend repeat his or her intentions to contact someone specific for long-term help.

…Secondary Crisis Helping

If you’ve tried to help the person connect with a counselor or pastor who can aid him or her in working through the meaning of the crisis —then you can rest easier about your role in secondary crisis helping. If you can’t get the person to seek help of a counselor, though, you may be asked to provide support and help as the person tries to make sense of the meaning of the crisis.

In secondary crisis helping, like long-term helping, you’ll listen actively and provide support, but you’ll make direct suggestions less often than you did in first aid helping. Your goal is to help your friend return to daily functioning with some understanding of what led to the crisis, what happened during the crisis, what the meaning of the crisis was, and what might be done to avoid a similar crisis in the future.

Crisis counseling is an opportunity for people to seek help for a troubled marriage. Their vulnerability during the crisis usually makes them aware that they cannot repair their marriage alone; so it often opens the door for God to work in the marriage.

The above article comes from the book, “I Care About Your Marriage,” by Everett Worthington, PhD., published by Moody Press. Unfortunately, this book is no longer being published so the only way you can obtain it is through a used book store.

— ALSO —

To read other articles on this subject, please click onto the following web site links:

•  TEN WAYS TO HELP A FRIEND WHO IS STRUGGLING IN THEIR MARRIAGE

• TO THOSE WHO OFFER SUPPORT TO FRIENDS

We’ve heard stories from those who have found their counselor does more harm than good for their marriage. So, not all therapists are created equal — beware! They can be a wonderful help — often much beyond what you can do on your own. But there ARE some incompetent ones out there.

As marital therapist, Michelle Weiner Davis says,

“Truth be told, seeking professional advice for your marital problems is no guarantee things will improve. In fact, many people have told me that their so-called marriage therapy even made things worse. Most therapists are well-meaning, but not always qualified to do marital therapy. That’s why I want to offer some guidelines for you to consider should you seek professional help to improve your marriage.”

So, we’d like to guide you to her web site so you can read what she has to say on the subject.

We want you to know that Michelle’s website is not faith-based. But we haven’t found much that she says that would go against God’s principles — quite to the contrary. She gives some great advice (with this article included), but you should be aware that it’s not a faith-based web site we’re sending you to view.

But we hope you’ll click onto the web site link below to read the following article:

• CHOOSING A MARITAL THERAPIST

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

The problem is that many of the people we trust have grown up hearing the same cultural messages about resolving marital hurts that we have. They may have the same kinds of unresolved conflicts in their own marriages. Since they care about you, these well-meaning friends end up parroting the culture’s watchwords of self-protection: leave, flight back, call an attorney, you don’t deserve it, take care of yourself, or make him or her pay.

At the core of your friends’ advice is their concern that you not get hurt. That’s why they may urge you to create some distance between you and your spouse. Pulling back may alleviate one kind of pain, but consistently avoiding conflict leads to the death of a marriage, which hurts infinitely more than working through the conflict. If your friends or other family members are after you to give up on your spouse or get out of the relationship, they may think they have your best interest at heart, but they are not giving you wise counsel.

Another source of advice for resolving hurts is the professional counselor. I know about this world because marriage and family therapy is my profession. But I also know the pitfalls of “humanistic counseling,” in which I and most counselors were trained. We were taught that human beings are basically good and that, when the counselor provides a positive orientation for change, people will seek the good in themselves and become the best they can be.

They just need to look inside themselves and rely on their innate goodness to solve their problems. And if that doesn’t work, they just need to alter behavior to bring about positive change. It took me about three weeks in practice as a new counselor to begin to reject that belief system.

I’m deeply concerned about the impact my training had on me. As I often say, the further I get from my training, the better off I believe I am —not because my professors were bad people or poor educators, because they were neither. The problem is that humanistic counseling discourages both client and therapist from centering on the ultimate source of change that heals: Jesus Christ.

Secular counselors provide therapy from a secular perspective. They regard the idea that people were created to have a relationship with a living God as part of the client’s problem instead of the very answer to our deepest relational needs. But to conduct therapy without God and the bible is like jumping on a trampoline without a spotter. Nobody is there to catch you.

Can Christians benefit from counseling with a non-Christian? Yes, in some rare instances, as long as you realize that the counselor’s world-view and approach to healing may be totally different from yours. Some of the methods for resolving conflict taught by secular counselors are good; some are not. One ingredient that is often missing is forgiveness. Forgiveness is a key step in healing hurts from a biblical perspective. Yet this step is often ignored altogether in the secular world. With that in mind, you need to filter the secular counselor’s advice through your biblically based belief system.

Unfortunately, some Christian counselors are as ineffective as their unbelieving counterparts. Why? Because often when they purport to counsel from a Christian perspective, there is actually little emphasis on a biblical or spiritual orientation. You may need to go to several counselors before you discern, through seeking God’s mind and heart, that one particular counselor is the best fit for you. I know this process can be disconcerting, but it is better to have a series of initial appointments with several counselors than to sign on for long-term counseling with someone who does not lead you to a healthy and biblical restoration of your relationship.

Messages from the Church
It may seem hard to believe, but sometimes the church disseminates information about healing marital hurts that is contrary to the teaching of the Bible. Rarely do church leaders mislead their congregations intentionally; they’re probably only teaching as they’ve been taught. But since these voices carry the weight of authority, many people assume what they’re hearing is correct.

Take, for example, the issue of headship and submission in marriage. Many Christian leaders, especially men, point to Paul’s teaching in Ephesians 5:24 to support the view that men should dominate their wives and those wives should submit to their decisions in any conflict or difference of opinion. The verse reads: “As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything.”

A man who is interested only in absolute control over his wife will stop there. He will rarely go on to the next six verses that help us understand that headship is not about a husband dominating his wife but serving her:

And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body. (Ephesians 5:25-30)

My friend Robert Lewis describes the difference between a “lording leader” and a “servant leader” in his book, Rocking the Roles. Here’s the description of a lording leader:

The lording leader loves to give orders. He’s the boss. He has to have control. He makes all the decisions; everyone else just carries out his directives. If anyone questions his decisions, he silences them with another string of commands. That’s because he’s not interested in questions, suggestions, or better ideas. He’s only interested in action, in getting things done his way.

…The lording leader becomes defensive when his wife challenges him with her own thoughts and view. He views everything from a win/lose perspective. He can’t stand to be wrong and let his wife be right. He certainly can’t admit to her when he’s wrong. So he browbeats her into going along with him, and manipulates her into granting his wishes.

Barb and I have seen many marriages damaged by husbands who used their role as the head of the home to rule their wives with an iron fist of control. This unbiblical view can cause long-term bitterness and damage to the relationship as well as harm a wife’s relationship to God. When I coach men on servant leadership, I talk abut “out-serving” their wives in order to bring honor to the relationship. Out-serving means that a man intentionally puts himself lower than his wife by loving her, honoring her, and cherishing her with a servant’s heart. When he does, her trust in him will grow and she will feel secure in responding to and supporting him.

Each of the messages from our culture is loud, persistent, and persuasive. But, at times, there is an even more influential voice speaking about marital conflict and how to resolve it. Barb will now share with us the kinds of messages we receive from our families.

What Our Families Teach Us about Conflict
For Gary and me, home is really where the heart is. When we think of our families of origin, we remember the love and camaraderie, holiday dinners, birthday celebrations, vacations, times when we laughed and cried together. We also remember parents who were committed to getting along with each other, talking —and listening —to each other, and settling their differences.

Gary’s parents were married 54 years before God called his dad, John, home. My parents have been married 62 years as I write this, and they’re still celebrating a godly marriage. When it comes to commitment to the permanence of marriage, Gary and I have both been blessed with great role models, not only with marriages that have gone the distance, but also with joyful and fulfilling marriages. When it comes to dealing with conflict and hurt in our relationship, our families were a positive and helpful influence.

Sadly, not all people can say this about their families. For many people, the very mention of family of family or parents sparks other memories —absence, loss, pain. Conflicts and pain at home were frequent, and forgiveness and healing were infrequent or absent altogether. And these people have carried what they learned at home into their marriages. Unfortunately, they don’t realize how they’re perpetuating the same problems with their own spouses and children. It’s not until they end up in a counselor’s office, trying to sort out the messes of their marriages —that they’re willing to take a hard look at themselves to discern why they act as they do.

You’ve probably noticed people who are repeating behavior patterns, both good and bad patterns —that they learned from their parents. A woman mirrors the perfectionism she once hated in her mother. A man finds solace in rage and control, just as their father did. A boy tries to win the approval of a father who never seemed satisfied with even the greatest accomplishments, and then he grows up to place the same unrealistic demands on his own children. Of all the married couples we counsel who are having difficulties resolving conflict, the vast majority need to come to terms with unhealthy patterns they learned during childhood.

… For many years now, Barb and I (Gary) have heard a litany of familiar complaints from husbands and wives who came into their marriages negatively influenced by our culture and their families of origin. Speaking of their own marriages and hurts, they say things like: “I just don’t know how to do this right”; “I grew up in a dysfunctional home, so I don’t know what normal is”; “No one ever taught me how to deal with conflicts”; “My parents’ example is so ingrained in me, I’ll never be able to change.”

You may feel the same hopelessness, the same inability to change. You may feel destined to live out the same ineffective patterns in your own marriage. But that’s like giving up on a garden because the soil is too hard or too rocky or infested with weeds. Have you ever heard of a pick, shovel, hoe, soil amendments, and a little hard work? In the same way you can change the condition of soil and unlearn bad patterns of dealing with conflict and learn new ones. It’s never too late to learn and implement the biblical principles for forgiving love.

It’s our God-given responsibility to cultivate good soil in our marriage relationships so that our children and grandchildren will have a biblical pattern to follow in their marriages. The psalmist wrote: “For [God] issued his decree to Jacob; he gave his law to Israel. He commanded our ancestors to teach them to their children, so the next generation might know them—even the children not yet born—that in turn might teach their children. So each generation can set its hope anew on God, remembering his glorious miracles and obeying his commands” (Psalm 78:5-7). As you divorce-proof your marriage through forgiving love, you’ll help your children to divorce-proof their marriages.

So what are you doing to alter the patterns you learned? How are you making your marriage different from that of your parents? How can you bequeath to your children a family legacy that is more biblical and positive than that of your family of origin? You look at this responsibility in two ways. You can think of it as a tremendous burden and a lot of hard work. Or you can welcome it as an opportunity to pass on to your children something that was not passed on to you. Even if you didn’t grow up in a healthy home, you can commit yourself to developing healthy patterns for resolving conflict.

The family you came from is important, but it’s not as important as the family you’ll leave behind. Identify from your family of origin the barriers to communication and healthy conflict resolution. Gain whatever insight you can from the past, deal with the emotional pain of it, and then move on to developing new patterns that include confession and forgiveness of offenses and healing of hurts.

As you leave behind and begin to create a more positive present, you’ll bless the next generation. One way or another, you will leave your hand-prints all over the personalities and hearts of your children. Will you leave behind a generation that will reach the world for Christ, or will you give up at the daunting task and let them go their own way?

…What are you doing to give your children the spiritual training and skills they will need for their lives and marriages? What kind of godly heritage are you leaving them? The key is found in establishing a home that honors God, a home where each individual is encouraged to develop a relationship with Jesus, a home where people make mistakes and fail each other but recognize they have the power, through God, to be transformed.

Conflict in your marriage is inevitable, but you don’t have to remain trapped in the dysfunctional patterns of resolving conflict you learned from your parents or the world around you.

The above article comes from the book, Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage, by Dr Gary and Barbara Rosberg, published by Tyndale House Publishers, www.tyndale.com. We had to edit it for many different reasons, so you’ll want to obtain the book to be able to read the rest of what they have to say on this subject, along with other helpful marriage information. In this particular part of the book they talk about different families, such as “The Good Family, “The Religious Family”, “The Wounded Family”, “The Biblical Family”, and how some of them can hurt you and some can help you. They also “coach you on how to break out of your negative behaviors and begin a new pattern of resolving conflicts.”

The stories, diagrams, and self-tests in this book will help you and your spouse understand how you react to hurt, recognize how unresolved hurt leads to anger and distance, understand your different conflict-resolution styles, face the hurt and move toward forgiveness and healing, close the loop on conflict, and rebuild trust.

Before we get into this great article by Julie Baumgardner and the one after that by Dr William Doherty, we want to preface what they say by stating that we’re aware that it may not be possible for many of you to “shop” for a counselor as these authors advise. But we hope that you’ll glean from them whatever information you CAN apply.

(PLEASE NOTE: we have an article in this same section titled “Applying the Gleaning Principle to Human Advisers” that you may want to read either before or after reading these articles to further explain what we mean by this. Counselors can be GREAT and very Godly, but they aren’t all-knowing so discern what you should and what you shouldn’t use from every article and every bit of advice you receive which is beyond that which God gives you directly.)

It was an all too familiar conversation. Jody (not her real name) went to see a marriage counselor hoping to receive guidance to help get her marriage back on track. “After seeing the counselor twice, he told us, ‘You have three choices. You can separate for a period of time, file for divorce or keep on working,’” said Jody. “We were looking for someone to work with us on a specific plan for our marriage. Instead, we got a totally neutral counselor who didn’t seem to care whether or not our marriage survived. We weren’t neutral about wanting to save our marriage, he was.”

According to Dr. Willard Harley, psychologist and author of numerous books including the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs, this isn’t unusual. During one woman’s first visit with a therapist, she specifically said that divorce wasn’t an option. However, at the end of the session the therapist told her he thought she really needed to consider divorce. This is spite of the fact that there was no violence in the marriage, just love gone cold.

“People who seek help from marriage counselors usually assume that the goal of therapy is saving the marriage,” said Dr. Harley. “Unfortunately, most marital therapists are specifically trained to be non-directive or neutral. They see themselves as someone couples can talk to, but not someone who will coach them into changes that will ultimately save their marriage.”

A recent Consumer’s Report study indicated that only 16% of those who seek marital counseling find it to be helpful, the lowest of all forms of therapy. Dr. Harley attributes that low level of success to the abundance of counselors who use non-directive methods.

“How can a plan possibly achieve its goal when there’s no goal?” asks Dr. Harley. “It’s no wonder that most marriage counseling is so ineffective.” This doesn’t mean that couples shouldn’t seek help. In fact, Dr. Harley encourages couples in trouble to find a marriage counselor to help save their marriage.

“Couples need to understand that there are times in even the strongest of marriages when you need additional support and motivation that frequently only a professional marriage counselor or marriage educator can provide,” said Dr. Harley. “An effective marriage counselor or educator will help you avoid or overcome intense emotional trauma associated with a failing marriage, create a plan that will help you’re your marriage and motivate you to complete that plan.”

Whether your marriage is in significant distress or just needs some assistance in getting through a tough time, Dr. Harley believes that couples should know how to pick an effective marriage counselor. Before they set up their first appointment, they should ask the counselor certain questions to make sure he’ll help them accomplish their goals of making their marriage mutually fulfilling.

Dr. Harley suggests that couples do the following before choosing a marriage counselor:

• Ask to schedule a phone interview with the counselor (10-15 minutes). If the counselor isn’t willing to have an initial conversation with you over the phone, eliminate that counselor from consideration.

• During the interview you should ask about the following:

1. What’s your goal for our marriage? (Answer: To help you both achieve marital fulfillment, and save your marriage).

2. What are your credentials and years of experience in marriage counseling?

3. State, “This is our problem (briefly explain).” Do you have experience helping couples overcome that problem, and what’s your success rate? (Answer: Experience helping couples overcome that particular problem with over 75% success).

After both spouses have an opportunity to speak to a few marriage counselors, Dr. Harley suggests choosing the one that answers those questions appropriately. Then set up your first appointment.

“Jody” and her husband ultimately made the decision to divorce. Looking back at the whole scenario, they question if divorce should have even been an option. At the time, they both felt hopeless about their marriage, and without a plan for its recovery, divorce seemed to be the only answer.

If the counselor had encouraged them to save their marriage by giving them a plan, they might be happily married today. They’ll always wonder if another, more encouraging, counselor would have helped change the course of their lives and the lives of their children.

Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, a research and advocacy organization dedicated to strengthening families through education, collaboration and mobilization. She can be reached at mailto:julieb@firstthings.org.

The original article, titled, Marriage 911, was sent to us from Smartmarriages® Sent: March 30, 2003 Subject: Coalitions/Marriage 911/Contemporary Families/Reconciler/ - 3/30/03

Below you will find an additional piece which came from William J. Doherty, PhD, Family Social Science Department, in the University of Minnesota address to the Smart Marriages conference regarding questions you might ask a Therapist in making your choice:

“People considering therapy should learn to ask questions to learn about the therapist’s training and value orientation. They can ask a therapist on the phone or in the first session the following kinds of questions:

• “Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?” If the therapist is self-taught or workshop-trained, and can’t point to a significant education in this work, then consider going elsewhere.

• “What is your attitude toward salvaging a trouble marriage versus helping couples break up?” (If the therapist says he or she is “neutral,” or “I don’t try to save marriage, I try to help people” look elsewhere. I’d also run if the therapist says he or she does not believe in divorce.)

• “What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?” (If the therapist responds by focusing only on helping each person clarify their personal feelings and decisions, consider looking elsewhere.)

• “What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?” (Avoid therapists who mostly do individual therapy.)

• “Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction with the relationship?” “What percentage of the couples you see, break up while they are seeing you?” “What is the percentage that do not improve?” “What do you think makes the differences in these results?” (If someone says “100%” stay together, I would be concerned, and if they say that staying together is not a measure of success for them, I’d be concerned.”)

We hope the above helps you and that you restore your relationship completely! For the full article click here: HOW THERAPY CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARITAL HEALTH @ CMFCE CONFERENCE, JULY 3, 1999 William J. Doherty, PhD (Click to link to article)

“BAD COUPLES THERAPY: HOW TO AVOID IT” another discourse by Dr. William Doherty, Phd. 2002 (click to link)

We also recommend a web site that, although it is not a Christian web site, it is dedicated to helping you find a therapist that is committed to marriage. It is a web site for the National Registry for Marriage-Friendly Therapists which you can visit when you:

CLICK HERE

God, Himself, is the only counselor you can trust to give you guidance which is completely dependable. God knows you and made you “fearfully and wonderfully” (as Psalms 139 tells us). The psalmist said,

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.”

From those verses, we can rest assured that God, who made us, knows best how to advise and guide us to Truth and understanding of one another. We are blessed with the Lord as our counselor. A few scriptures that affirm this fact are:

“Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whole leaf does not wither.” (Psalm 1:1-3)

“I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” (Psalm 16:7-8)

His guidance will help us to build a marriage that is the best it can be in consideration of our uniqueness, individual and corporate giftedness, personality tendencies, and where we’re located in the world-helping us bring all of this together for the greater good of our marital relationship and for God’s kingdom work.

The Godhead is willing and able to counsel us in truth and power as we can see from the following scriptures:

“And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Psalm 9:6)

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” (Psalm 32:8)

“When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? Earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God, I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge. I will tell of all your deeds.” (Psalm 73:21-28)

“I wisdom, dwell together with prudence; I possess knowledge and discretion. To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech. Counsel and sound judgment are mine; I have understanding and power.” (Proverbs 8:12-14)

“The Spirit of the LORD will rest on Him [Jesus]-the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD-and he will delight in the fear of the LORD. He will not judge by what He sees with His eyes, or decide by what He hears with His ears; but with righteousness He will judge the needy, with justice He will give decisions for the poor of the earth.” (Isaiah 11:2-4a)

“All this comes from the LORD Almighty, wonderful in counsel and magnificent in wisdom.” (Isaiah 28:29)

Because you and your spouse are so uniquely and wonderfully made, and because your relationship is so different from those around you (because you’re combining each of your personality styles and approaches to life together) it becomes all the more important that you look for what works FOR YOUR MARRIAGE, in light of God’s truth:

“Though rulers sit together and slander me, your servant will meditate on your decrees. Your statutes are my delight; they are my counselors.” (Psalm 119:24)

Advice from any source, other than from the Lord and His Word, as revealed in the Bible, needs to be prayerfully and carefully considered from every angle possible. It’s the principle of gleaning as the Bible talks about.

Back in biblical days the harvesters used to gather the best and leave the scraps for others who were less fortunate to glean through and gather up leftovers. But in the case of gathering counsel, you’d want to pick the best — what best applies to your marriage-and leave the rest behind.

Now, this doesn’t apply to the counsel you receive from the scriptures, because God’s word is unchanging and filled with truth. As it says in 2 Timothy 3:16-17:

“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

So, we are NOT to change God’s principles because of our “uniqueness.” We’re to adjust ourselves to His ways of doing things knowing that the principles for loving each other in the truest sense are the principles for living as the Bible outlines. Some of them being:

•  Making sure we’re faithful in every way to God and to each other,

•  Speaking the truth in love, in a respectful, honoring way “as unto the Lord”,

•  Being mutually submissive with Christ as our example,

•  As far as it is within us to live in peace with all men (which especially includes our spouse)

•  Allowing the fruit of the Spirit to flow through us, which is: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control”,

•  Living in such a way that our walk matches our talk so that each word that comes out of our mouths are not like a type of “clanging cymbal”,

•  Making sure we are not “rude, self-seeking, easily angered, and keep no records of wrongs.”

With the solid foundation of God’s principles as our foundation God then helps us to make our marriage work in a totally unique way —yet without compromise. We can confidently petition Him to give us counsel —knowing that He understands our needs:

“Since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 5:14-16)

“Give us counsel, render a decision. Make your shadow like night —at high noon. Hide the fugitives, do not betray the refugees.” (Isaiah 16:3)

“If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever —the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept Him, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him. But you know Him, for He lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” (John 14:15-18)

“But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:26-27)

So, how do you stay true to God’s principles and yet not have a “cookie cutter” type of marriage where your uniqueness as individuals and as a marital team is recognized? You pray and ask God for wisdom and insight and then keep your eyes open for what He shows you discarding what won’t apply. You don’t grab onto that which won’t mutually benefit your relationship. That includes taking advice from human counselors.

While there are many scriptures in the Bible that tell us that God is our Wonderful Counselor, He doesn’t need human counselors or advisers as we see in the scriptures, such as:

“Who has understood the mind of the LORD or instructed Him as His counselor? Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten Him and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught Him knowledge or showed Him the path of understanding?” (Isaiah 40:13-14)

However, there are also many other scriptures that tell us that we are to also seek the advice of Godly advisers. One of them can be found in Proverbs 20:18 where it says,

“Make plans by seeking advice; if you wage war, obtain guidance.”

While we’re not advising that you wage war with each other —we ARE hoping you’ll wage war against that which divides you from conducting your lives as a marital team.

Other scriptures that point us to the importance of getting Godly counsel are:

“For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure.” (Proverbs 11:14)

“Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” (Proverbs 13:10)

“The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15)

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” (Proverbs 15:22)

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.” (Proverbs 19:20)

“For waging war you need guidance, and for victory many advisers.” (Proverbs 24:6)

However, unlike God, human advisors aren’t all-knowing and so even if they THINK they know what’s best for you sometimes their advice can be misleading as the Bible tells us:

“The plans of the righteous are just, but the advice of the wicked is deceitful.” (Proverbs 12:5)

“All the counsel you have received has only worn you out! Let your astrologers come forward; those stargazers, who make predictions month by month; let them save you from what is coming upon you. Surely they are like stubble; the fire will burn them up. They cannot even save themselves from the power of the flame.

Here are no coals to warm anyone; here is no fire to sit by. That is all they can do for you —these you have labored with and trafficked with since childhood. Each of them goes on in his error; there is not one that can save you.” (Isaiah 47:13-15)

“The LORD SAID TO ME, ‘Son of man, these are the men who are plotting evil and giving wicked advice in this city’.” (Ezekiel 11:2)

Sometimes, for reasons we may not ever understand this side of heaven, God thwarts the efforts of those who are in places of authority. For this reason we need to ask the Lord to help us to be discerning so we aren’t caught up into taking advice from those who are foolish:

“To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are His. What He tears down cannot be rebuilt; the man He imprisons cannot be released. If he holds back the waters, there is drought; if He lets them loose, they devastate the land. To Him belong strength and victory; both deceived and deceiver are His.

He leads counselors away stripped and makes fools of judges. He takes off the shackles put on by kings and ties a loincloth around their waist. He leads priests away stripped and overthrows men long established. He silences the lips of trusted advisers and takes away the discernment of elders.” (Job 12:13-20)

“The officials of Zoan are nothing but fools; the wise counselors of Pharaoh give senseless advice. How can you say to Pharaoh ‘I am one of the wise men, a disciple of the ancient kings’? Where are your wise men now? Let them show you and make known what the LORD Almighty has planned against Egypt.

The officials of Zoan have become fools, the leaders of Memphis are deceived; the cornerstones of her peoples have led Egypt astray. The LORD has poured into them a spirit of dizziness; they make Egypt staggers in all that she does, as a drunkard staggers around in his vomit.” (Isaiah 19:11-14)

And sometimes God leaves us without HUMAN counsel:

“He silences the lips of trusted advisers and takes away the discernment of elders.” (Job 12:20)

It’s difficult for many of us to understand why God would do allow this. But it comes down to allowing God to be God and even though we don’t understand in our finite human minds, we need to bow down to a God who is all-knowing.

One of the many reasons it may be that God withdraws human advisers from us is to narrow our world in such a way that we look only to Him for a time. It may be that we’ve become so dependent upon human advice that God decides to take all human advisers away from us for a period of time so we learn to primarily look to God and use human counselors as a supplement to gaining wisdom.

And sometimes God appoints a human adviser to help us yet they don’t take the assignment God gives them seriously and we are left without any human being to help us:

“I was the first to tell Zion, ‘Look, here they are! I gave to Jerusalem a messenger of good tidings. I look but there is no one —no one among them to give counsel, no one to give answer when I ask them.” (Isaiah 41:27-28)

Something else that happens to us is that God even appears to withdraw His apparent presence from us. (We know that Biblically, He is still near us because the Bible tells us that He would never forsake us yet He can make it APPEAR that He has left our side.) This is ESPECIALLY puzzling to us.

But something to consider is that the Bible tells us we are to “walk by faith and not by sight.” Sometimes God may draw far enough away from us to stretch our faith so it grows. As Oswald Chambers said on this subject (in the book, My Utmost for His Highest):

“A saint’s life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says, ‘I cannot stand any more.’ God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets it fly. Trust yourself in God’s hands. …Maintain your relationship to Jesus Christ by patience of faith. ‘Though He slay me, yet will I wait for Him.’

Faith is not a pathetic sentiment, but robust vigorous confidence built on the fact that God is holy love. You cannot see Him just now, you cannot understand what He is doing, but you know Him.”

Another thing that Oswald Chambers said may help you to better understand why God withdraws His counsel and stretches our faith-walk:

“God frequently knocks the bottom board out of your experience if you are a saint in order to get you into contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, not a life of sentimental enjoyment of His blessings. Your earlier life of faith was narrow and intense, settled around a little sun-spot of experience, full of light and sweetness; then God withdrew His conscious blessings in order to teach you to walk by faith.

…Faith by its very nature must be tried, and the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God’s character has to be cleared in our own minds. … Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him-I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do.”

From this we may be able to better imagine that God has our greater good in mind as well as the greater good of all of the Kingdom of God.

Through all of this we want to encourage you to first draw near to God and look to Him for the counsel you need. Beyond that look for human advisers that God wants to use in our lives. But ask God for a spirit of discernment in your thinking and apply the principle of gleaning to the advice they give you because some of them THINK their advice is suited to be the type that is “one-size-fits-all.” But don’t just automatically grab onto it.

However, before you apply the principle of gleaning what’s best for your marriage you might want to pray something like this from Psalm 139:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Ask God to show you anything within yourself that is wrong and needs confessing and also any contrary spirit within that might tempt you to filter advice in a self-serving way.

You want to make sure your heart is pure, unbiased, and your eyes are focused, looking for truth. And then keep your eyes open to what God brings your way— that which is consistent with God’s Word— that which will fit in with what will work for your marriage. God didn’t create you as “cookie cutter” type of people so the advise you would get from human advisers should also consider your “uniqueness” as a couple.

We hope you’ll seek advice from those who can help you with whatever problem you’re experiencing but we also hope that you’ll prayerfully sift through it and use what applies for your lives together and discard the rest. Draw close to God and listen to Him with both ears attentive — remembering that sometimes His presence comes in a whisper (as Elijah experienced in 1 Kings 19) rather than in a bold way.

Listen to what He teaches and apply the principle of gleaning when it comes to marriage advice from others who counsel you. THEN you will TRULY gain the wisdom you’re seeking because it says in the Bible in James 1:5,

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions

“Balance is what God teaches us—the balance between [scripture] verses that say it is a wise person who seeks the counsel of many others and verses that warn if we listen to too many people we will go astray. Somewhere in between is the balance.God wants us to be open, listen to people with the same value systems, but not follow their direction for our lives too closely; rather, use it cautiously — as counsel in finding God’s direction.” (Dr Larry Burkett, from the book: The Word on Finances)

Acquiring wisdom and knowledge can’t be underestimated in it’s importance when you have vital decisions to make. The Bible says in James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” In asking God for wisdom you partner closer to God as you listen first and then take His counsel.

From the scriptures, you can be assured that God will give you the wisdom you need when you lack it, but sometimes He uses other people to also participate with you in this process.

Below you will find scriptures from the Bible (in the New American Standard version, unless noted otherwise) which talk about obtaining the counsel of others (both good and bad), giving counsel to others, as well as listening to and obtaining the wisdom and knowledge God can give you as you ask Him for it.

As you read through them pray for the discerning spirit you need to deal with the problem(s) you’re facing, whether you should seek the counsel of men before making your final decision or not.

• How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of the scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. (Psalm 1:1-2)

• A wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel. (Proverbs 1:5)

• Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning. (Proverbs 9:9)

• The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. (Proverbs 1:7)

• Do not despise the Lord’s discipline and do not resent His rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, as a father the son he delights in. (Proverbs 3:11-12.)

• How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. For its profit is better than the profit of silver, and its gain than fine gold. She is more precious than jewels; and nothing you desire compares with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, and happy are all who hold her fast. The Lord by wisdom founded the earth; by understanding He established the heavens. (Proverbs 3:13-19)

• Wisdom is protection just as money is protection. But the advantage of knowledge is that wisdom preserves the lives of its possessors. (Proverbs 7:12)

• Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not ignore it. Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway. For whoever finds me finds life and receives favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 8:32-35)

• Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse. Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. (Proverbs 9:7-8)

• Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser, teach a righteous man, and he will increase his learning. (Proverbs 9:9)

• He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray. (Proverbs 10:17 NIV)

• Where there is no guidance, the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory. (Proverbs 11:14)

• Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid. (Proverbs 12:1)

• The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel. (Proverbs 12:15)

• He who speaks the truth tells what is right, but a false witness, deceit. (Proverbs 12:17)

• Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18 NIV)

• Anxiety in the heart of a man weighs it down, but a good word makes it glad. (Proverbs 12:25)

• Through presumption comes nothing but strife, but with those who receive counsel is wisdom. (Proverbs 13:10)

• Poverty and shame will come to him who neglects discipline, but he who regards reproof will be honored. (Proverbs 13:18)

• He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. (Proverbs 13:20)

• Leave the presence of a fool, or you will not discern words of knowledge. (Proverbs 14:7)

• The naive believes everything, but the prudent man considers his steps. (Proverbs 14:15)

• The naive inherit folly, but the prudent are crowned with knowledge. (Proverbs 14:18)

• A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise. (Proverbs 15:12)

• The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly. (Proverbs 15:14)

• Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed. (Proverbs 15:22)

• He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding. (Proverbs 15:31-32 NIV)

• The fear of the Lord teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor. (Proverbs 15:33 NIV)

• How much better it is to get wisdom than gold! And to get understanding is to be chosen above silver. (Proverbs 16:16)

• Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers; blessed is he who trusts in the Lord. (Proverbs 16:20)

• The mind of the prudent acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. (Proverbs 18:15)

• He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; he who cherishes understanding prospers. (Proverbs 19:8)

• Listen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may be wise the rest of your days. (Proverbs 19:20)

• There is gold, and an abundance of jewels; but the lips of knowledge are a more precious thing. (Proverbs 20:15)

• Prepare plans by consultation, and make war by wise guidance. (Proverbs 20:18)

• There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord. (Proverbs 21:30 NIV)

• Pay attention and listen to the sayings of the wise; apply your heart to what I teach, for it is pleasing when you keep them in your heart and have all of them ready on your lips. So that your trust may be in the Lord, I teach you today, even you. Have I not written thirty sayings for you, sayings of counsel and knowledge, teaching you true and reliable words, so that you can give sound answers to him who sent you? (Proverbs 22:17-21 NIV)

• Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words. (Proverbs 23:9 NIV)

• Apply your heart to instruction and your ears to words of knowledge. (Proverbs 23:12 NIV)

• Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. (Proverbs 23:22 NIV)

• Buy the truth and do not sell it; get wisdom, discipline and understanding. (Proverbs 23:23 NIV)

• By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. A wise man has great power, and a man of knowledge increases strength. (Proverbs 24:3-5 NIV)

• By wise guidance you will wage war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory. (Proverbs 24:6)

• Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is a wise man’s rebuke to a listening ear. (Proverbs 25:12 NIV)

• Like one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own (Proverbs 26:17 NIV)

• Oil and perfume make the heart glad, so a man’s counsel is sweet to his friend. Do not forsake your own friend or your father’s friend, and do not go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity; better is a neighbor who is near than a brother far away. (Proverbs 27:9-10)

• A man who loves wisdom makes his father glad, but he who keeps company with harlots wastes his wealth. (Proverbs 29:3)

• Every word of God is flawless; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him. Do not add to His words, or He will rebuke you and prove you a liar. (Proverbs 30:5-6)

• I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. (Psalm 32:8 NIV)

• A poor, yet wise lad is better than an old and foolish king who no longer knows how to receive instruction. (Ecclesiastes 4:13)

• Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you—for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others. (Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 NIV)

• Words from a wise man’s mouth are gracious, but a fool is consumed by his own lips. At the beginning his words are folly; at the end they are wicked madness—and the fool is consumed by his own lips. (Ecclesiastes 10:12 NIV)

• When a righteous man turns from his righteousness and does evil, and I put a stumbling block before him, he will die. Since you did not warn him, he will die. Since you did not warn him he will die for his sin. The righteous things he did will not be remembered, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the righteous man not to sin and he does not sin, he will surely live because he took warning, and you will have saved yourself. (Ezekiel 3:20-21 NIV)

• Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:1-5 NIV)

• Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. (Matthew 7:7-8 NIV)

• If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer. (Matthew 18:15-17)

• So then each of us shall give account of himself to God. (Romans 14:12)

• Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.” (1 Corinthians 15:33)

• Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:1-2 NIV)

• Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, wither in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (Colossians 3:16-17 NIV)

• We command you, brethren, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep aloof from every brother who leads an unruly life and not according to the tradition which you received from us. (1Thessalonians 3:5)

• Now we must ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. (1 Thessalonians 5:12-15 NIV)

• See to it that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. but encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. (Hebrews 3:12-13 NIV)

• The wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. (James 3:17)

• I heard the voice of many angels…and the living creatures and the elders saying with a loud voice, “Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing. (Revelation 5:11-12)