THE MARRIAGE SKIT

And now, for something a bit more serious to help you:

AVOID THE TYPICAL PITFALLS OF MARRIAGE

No couple embarks on married life expecting to end up in divorce court, but that’s what happens to more than one million American couples each year. And when they do the postmortem, they often find their marriage was sabotaged by one of these 10 traps:

1. Taking your partner for granted. That’s like having a garden that you’re not weeding or fertilizing, says Robert Billingham, professor of human development and family studies at Indiana University. “You can’t expect it to continue to thrive.” Let your partner know you appreciate him or her.

2. Forgetting that a good marriage takes work. “People think that having a happy marriage is a magical, mystical occurrence,” says marriage and family therapist Dr. Leslie Parrott, co-author of When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages (Zondervan/HarperCollins). “We’ve accepted the fact that parenting takes a lot of skill, but we don’t want to accept the idea that romantic love takes a great deal of work, too.”

3. Not talking through conflict. If you rely on heavy sighs, slammed doors and other non-verbal communication when something is bothering you, you could be playing with fire. As painful as it may be to get the conversation started, you must speak up. “Otherwise, problems start festering and begin to take on a life of their own,” explains Sharon Naylor, author of The Unofficial Guide to Divorce (Hungry Minds).

4. Failing to romance your partner. “We all want to be made to feel special,” says psychologist Kate Wachs, author of Relationships for Dummies (Hungry Minds) and Dr. Kate’s Love Secrets (Paper Chase Press). “That’s why it’s so important to set aside at least one night per week for you and your spouse. Use this regular ‘date night’ to share your hopes and dreams.”

5. Fighting dirty. The better you know somebody, the easier it is to hurt that person. “No matter how angry you may be about something,” Naylor says, “you need to resist the temptation to figure out the one thing that will hurt your partner the most and then use that against him.”

6. Fighting over money. A recent study by the Million Dollar Round Table, an international association of life insurance and financial services professionals, found that 43% of married couples argue about money. If money’s becoming a major source of conflict, you might consider sitting down with a financial planner or some other 3rd party that can help come up with a financial game plan you both can live with.

7. Letting the passion fizzle. “Have sex often — anytime either of you is in the mood,” Wachs says. “If you wait until both partners are in the mood, you won’t end up having much sex at all and, over time, you’ll end up drifting apart.”

8. Shutting down sexually when you’re angry rather than dealing with issues. Although withholding affection may seem like the ideal way to punish your partner, you risk seriously damaging your relationship, Wachs says.

9. Failing to understand that marriages have ups and downs. “It’s OK to expect incredible moments in your marriage,” Parrott says. “Just don’t expect them to happen every day.”

10. Throwing in the towel too easily. “We’re so accustomed to the concept of obsolescence that we treat our partners as disposable,” says Herb Glieberman, a Chicago divorce attorney and author. Vow to rekindle the flames rather than looking for the closest escape hatch.

The above article is titled, “AVOID THE TYPICAL PITFALLS OF MARRIAGE” was written by Ann Douglas, and was featured in The Chicago Tribune, Jan. 2, 2002.

Many couples like to sit down with their calendars at the beginning of the year and schedule one getaway per quarter. (More and more counselors, even secular counselors and marriage experts, recommend that couples take one night a week for each other, one weekend a quarter, and one week a year. Can you imagine the context for growth this kind of schedule would create?) If you’re reading this in July, however, don’t wait until the new year to schedule time away. Find a date some weeks away and make it happen!

After scheduling your weekend, you’ll want to decide where to go and make necessary arrangements such as reservations and travel plans.

Another part of preparation is packing everything you’ll need for your time away. One fun way to do this is something Dave and Claudia Arp call the “Get Away Box.” This is a place where you can gather everything you’ll take on your trip. One of the great things about a Get Away Box is that it helps you anticipate your time away. Thinking ahead to your time together and setting aside special items create warmth and excitement far in advance of the event.

What goes in the Get Away Box? How about that novel you’ve wanted to read? What about a small gift for each other? Surprises are always nice; each of you purchase something special, wrap it, and put it in the box. Naomi and I also recommend including the following items: sparkling apple cider, champagne glasses, cheese, fancy crackers, delicious chocolate mints, and a votive candle and holder. These items will make a wonderfully romantic snack time on one of your nights away. Music is always nice, too, so don’t forget to tuck away a favorite CD along with a portable player.

The Get Away Box might also include any sports equipment you may need. Naomi and I sometimes bring our tennis rackets. Other couples include their golf clubs or jogging shoes.

Another suggestion: Take along your calendars. Naomi and I usually bring ours, and we enjoy sitting quietly together and planning time within the next couple of months for each other and for our family.

Naomi and I have sometimes planned a time away but have forgotten a crucial item: child care! The moment you agree on a date for your weekend, make it your next step to arrange for the care of your children. Naomi and I use a variety of methods. Occasionally, Naomi’s parents have stayed with our kids at our house. At other times, we’ve parceled out our children to close friends. However you handle this challenge, don’t let your children prevent you from taking your time away. I have known couples who have told me that they haven’t been away from their children in fourteen years. Believe me, that’s too long!

…Let me make one suggestion about a difficult topic: Don’t let your financial condition get in the way of spending quality time with each other. Few couples have the financial resources to spend a dream weekend away at a fantasy hotel. Even simple accommodations can provide the perfect place and time for relational growth.

One couple I know has taken many getaways over twenty years. I recently talked with both spouses. They had just come back from a week together to Hawaii, and they told me this:

You know, the week was great together, but not the best we’ve ever had. The time we spent camping a few years ago actually was more productive for our relationship. What we’ve learned over the years is this: It’s not where you go, it’s what you take with you.

How profound! It’s not the location, it’s “what you take with you.” What any couple takes with them is the desire to grow closer together, an attitude that seeks to go deeper. So as you plan your time away, remember your goal: to create the context for growth, a time of relaxation where you can focus on each other. This can happen in any number of locations.

…You and your spouse may have very little money to work with, but you can still create a context for growth. Less expensive possibilities do exist! If money is an issue, you can brainstorm some creative alternatives. Assume it’s possible to plan a great weekend together on a low budget, then make it happen! Some couples might decide to drive to a nice location and stay in a motel that’s pleasant but not pricey. You can also decide to eat mostly inexpensive foods or bring your food with you. What?! Can couples do a getaway without romantic [expensive] restaurants? You bet! Romance will come more from how you attend to each other during your time away than from the amount of money you spend.

You might choose to go camping. Camping can be great because you’ll have few distractions and almost guaranteed quiet. As I mentioned earlier, at least one couple found camping to be one of their most intimate times away.

…Other couples might wish to plan just a day away instead of a whole weekend. You’d be surprised how restful even one full day and night away from routine can be.

…Your marital health is the result of accumulated positive experiences. The outing you’re now planning can be one of those great times of fun, relaxation, and directed conversation, but it cannot be everything. Make this getaway the best possible, but don’t allow too-high expectations to ruin a great time together.

…One of the easiest mistakes to make on a time away is to over-plan. Remember, this is marriage enrichment, not a business trip! When you plan your weekend, leave some time open to do whatever hits your fancy at the time. Make sure that you don’t make the time so intense that you sabotage your reason for going: to create a relaxed and peaceful environment in which to enjoy each other’s company and experience growth.

…After you read this, find a time to sit down with your calendars and arrange a time away. Have fun discussing the following questions:

1. In the next three months, when is a good time to take a weekend away? Can we agree that this will be our next weekend away together?

2. Keeping our budget in mind, what are the best alternatives for accommodations? Can we agree on one that would interest us both?

3. What kind of weekend do we want: active or quiet? What are our expectations?

Another idea for a weekend away could be that you put together a Spiritual Retreat for the two of you to enjoy together. There is a great article written by Brenda Jank, which is featured on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine which could help you do that. Please click into the link provided below to read what she writes:

• REST, RENEW, AND RETREAT

To do what is best for your partner in life…

To respect the commitment of being husband and wife…

To be still and just listen —not have to be heard…

To forgive and forget and not need “the last word”…

To admit you’re not perfect —you’ll both make mistakes…

To support the decisions that each of you makes…

To be willing to laugh when a day has been rough…

To divide up the burdens when life becomes tough…

To support one another when things are too hurried…

To comfort each other when stress keeps you worried…

To be willing to cherish your true love and friend
with a joy and compassion that will never end.

As You celebrate each year together:

May you always have Understanding to make your marriage work,

Commitment to make your marriage grow

And Love to make your marriage happy!

(Author Unknown)

Love is a biblical mandate and is foundational to a successful marriage. I’m convinced every reasonably healthy person is equipped to love others the way God designed. You choose to love someone else by putting their needs above your own. It’s a commitment of your will.

Affection, however, is a step beyond love. Affection takes the loving relationship between a man and woman in marriage into the deeper realm of tender expressions that result in feelings of closeness, passion, and security. Affection takes work because it requires knowledge of what makes the other person tick.

You show affection when you perceive and appreciate what your spouse needs and meet those needs in a way he or she can understand. Affection results in marital contentment, intimacy, satisfaction, anticipation, and joy all wrapped into one package.

• Affection isn’t sexual, but it naturally leads to sexual satisfaction.

• Affection isn’t time, but it requires time to accomplish.

• Affection isn’t communication, but without communication there can be no affection.

• Affection isn’t romance, but it typically involves romantic spontaneity, creativity, and fun.

Moreover, when affection is present in your relationship, you just know it. If you don’t feel it, you probably don’t have it. Here’s my definition of affection:

Affection is the kind of love that leaves you feeling close, safe, and cared for. In marriage, you feel the passion, and the loving acts become person specific. Affection is also important between parent and child. An affectionate family makes a child feel close, safe, and cared for as well. Affection must be an ingredient in all healthy personal relationships, including those with friends and extended family.

The Bible describes love in terms of action, not feelings. Look at the familiar description of love from 1 Corinthians 13, and notice all of the actions required:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV).

I like to say (though it may be grammatically flawed) that affection is “love as actions” —actions that leave your spouse feeling really good about you and your marriage. Affection is one of the out-workings of love: Love is the commitment and the action, and affection is the safe, secure feeling that results. Strong marriages thrive when both the behavior of love and the feelings of affection are present. This “love as actions” is what moves you the eighteen inches from your head to your heart:

• Love is patient. Affection is empathetic.

• Love is kind. Affection is tender.

• Love is not rude. Affection thoughtfully apologizes for its words.

• Love is not self-seeking. Affection rubs the back of a discouraged spouse.

• Love does not delight in evil. Affection carefully and privately uncovers sin and helps the person back onto his feet.

• Love never fails. Affection under-girds and confirms your unfailing love for your spouse.

The above article comes from the book, Starved for Affection by Dr Randy Carlson, published by Tyndale House Publishers, www.tyndale.com. In this book you’ll find practical help and encouragement to strengthen your connection with your mate in all aspects of your relationship. And in doing so you’ll find the table spread with a banquet of blessings that God as prepared just for you.  

Dr Carlson is a licensed marriage and family therapist and is the CEO of Family Life Communications. He hosts the nationally syndicated radio program, Intentional Living -with Dr. Randy Carlson. To receive Dr Carlson’s free Marriage E-mentoring or latest teaching materials go to www.loveyourmarriage.com.

LOVE: The Greatest Force on Earth

The problem with love is that so many people don’t have a clue what it is. Love is NOT a feeling; it’s an ATTITUDE. Basing love on emotions, as the world does, has caused immeasurable pain to countless numbers of people. It’s like building a sand castle on the beach. It might look solid, but when the high tide rolls in, the sand castle isn’t strong enough to hold up, and it washes away.

Feelings come and go. We all experience a wide array of emotions on any given day. Obviously, basing any human relationship strictly on feelings is asking for trouble. Parents who love their children only when the mood hits them are poor parents. A friend who remains loyal only until a better offer comes along isn’t much of a friend. A husband who deserts his wife and children because he finds another woman more attractive has missed the point of marriage.

The world gives love a staggering amount of attention. Movies, songs, and books about love generate billions of dollars in revenue. The problem is love is presented as something to be “fallen into” and “fallen out of.” There’s no solution giving for what to do when the emotion fails you and the warm fuzzies are gone—other than bailing out and starting over with someone else. You can recognize worldly love by how unpredictable it is.

The Bible offers a different kind of love. This love says I’m committed to act lovingly toward this person regardless of how I feel. You’ll be able to recognize biblical love: It’s patient, unselfish, and loyal. It doesn’t keep score; it assumes the best motives. It gives without seeking in return; it always seeks to honor God, and it endures through thick, and thin, and in-between. Feelings change. Feelings don’t last, but Biblical Love is eternal.

LOVING THE SAME

There’s a difference between God’s love and the love that the world knows. If we aren’t careful, Christians can begin to adopt the world’s way of loving instead of God’s. The world says love is a feeling. When you stop feeling love for someone, it means you no longer love him or her. The world encourages you to love the lovable but gives you permission to hate your enemies. Jesus said loving those who love you is no great feat; it’s loving your enemies that prove you are a loving person (Matthew 5:46).

Jesus commanded those who wanted to be his disciples to follow HIS standard for loving people rather than the world’s standard. Jesus directs us to love others in exactly the same way he loves us. When Jesus saw us hopelessly enslaved to sin, he didn’t say, “I don’t feel like dying on a cross for them. I think I’ll wait until the feeling comes.” He didn’t say, “I’ve tried and tried to love them but they always reject me. I give up!”

Jesus saw that without him we would perish, and He acted lovingly toward us despite our rejecting Him. His love didn’t depend on what we did to deserve it, or even on whether we accepted it. Jesus freely and unconditionally gave us his love.

This is how God wants us to love our spouses. Not with strings attached, as the world loves. Not just love as long as they’re lovable. Not just love as long as they appreciate it. God wants us to give our love freely and unconditionally. Only God can help us to love people in this way.

The above writings are adapted from The Experience” Day by Day with God… A Devotional and Journal written by Henry and Richard Blackaby. Published by Broadman & Holman Publishers. Although this devotional journal isn’t specifically about marriage it’s an awesome devotional. As it says within the journal,

“Have you ever flipped through the family photo album and thought, ‘Oh yeah! I’d forgotten all about that trip?’ Or have you ever been disappointed at a special event because you didn’t have your camera? You take pictures to preserve good memories, not only for yourself, but also to share with others. A spiritual journal functions as the photo album of your walk with God. If you’ve never kept a spiritual journal, now is a great time to begin the habit.”

This devotional journal is meant to assist you as you meet daily with God. And it does an excellent job of doing just that!

Let’s look at it from another perspective: Imagine that your marriage is a university and you are going for your Master’s Degree. Your spouse is your major. Some of the courses required include communication, romance, sex, finances, in-laws, spiritual maturity, and a foreign language (the unique language spoken by your mate).

If you received grades in those subjects today would they be A’s, F’s, or something in between? The Lord would be giving the grades with a recommendation from your spouse. With that in mind, what do you think your grade-point average would be?

[We] challenge you to go for your M.S.M.-Master’s Degree in Successful Marriage. Obtaining an academic master’s degree usually takes up to six years of dedicated effort. During that time most men and women face victories and hardships. There are many hours of study and preparation, midterms, and finals. Often there are financial struggles. And, at some point, almost every graduate student asks, “Why am I doing this?” But the rewards of graduating are many and they last a lifetime.

When students have completed their studies, they look forward to graduation day when the mortarboard tassel will be moved from one side to the other, when their friends and family will be hugging and shaking hands with pride, and when they will hear their name called to receive that long-awaited diploma. The gratification may have been delayed, but it was well worth the wait.

Likewise, obtaining the Master’s degree in marriage requires that kind of commitment—and more. This honor is earned when you are willing to go to the degree of the Master—Jesus—in your marriage.

We encourage that both marriage partners work through this process together. However, you can work through this [process] even if your spouse has no interest in participating, because God is working on you alone. Practice being obedient to God’s Word, His will and His way apart from the actions of your spouse.

As with any other school in which you enroll, there are guidelines that will guarantee your success. A well-planned course of study will make your learning process easier and more efficient.

Focus Only on Your Efforts

At the judgment seat of Christ, when you answer for the works you did on earth, you will stand alone (see Romans 14:10-12). Your husband or wife will not be there. Even if you try to use him or her as an excuse for any ill-behavior, you will more than likely hear from the Father, “Yes, I know what he or she did wrong but what did I ask you to do?”

Professors of the Heart

Allow the Holy Spirit to do His work in your spouse. Often we want to play the role of the Holy Spirit in convicting and teaching our spouses. That is not our job. The only thing we are capable of doing is trying to change our spouse’s minds. In that regard, a wise person once said,

A man [or woman] convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

In areas of growth, your spouse might need a change of heart. This can only be accomplished by Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

It Takes Time

Obtaining a master’s degree can take up to six years. We suggest that you commit a similar amount of time to this Master’s degree effort. At first, that may sound like quite a time investment, but results take time. Besides, shouldn’t we at least give as much concentration to our marriage (in which we promised God and each other “until death do us part”) as we do to an earthly education? The truth is there is no way to judge the condition of our marriages until we do it God’s way—and His way takes time.

During those years, you will be planting precious sees of hope, faith, and love into your marriage. Remember, a tiny acorn develops into a giant oak tree. Your friends and family members will one day be able to sit in the shade of your marriage and realize what happens when people are genuinely committed to each other and to God.

This process, although tremendously rewarding, is not easy. Many of our old negative and destructive patterns have to be destroyed—and those things don’t die easily. An accumulation of wrong information may have contributed to your marriage’s lack of growth or even its deterioration. That wrong information needs to be replaced with God’s wisdom and direction.

Only the strong will survive, but whenever you are feeling weak, remember:

“I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).

In this book marriage counselors, Frank and Bunny Wilson, share “their early years in the school of marriage and wisdom gained along the way. They provide insightful practical mini-courses on increasing and renewing marriage relationships. They help you to “imagine your marriage is a school and your spouse is your most important subject!”

William Doherty is a professor and director of the marriage and family therapy program at the University of Minnesota and author of numerous books, including Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World that Pulls Us Apart and Soul Searching: Why Psychotherapy Must Promote Moral Responsibility. As you can probably judge just from the book titles, Doherty is not your typical psychotherapist.

Further evidence of this is provided in the introduction to Take Back Your Marriage, where Doherty explains why he wrote the book:

Research has demonstrated convincingly what most people have known all along: that a stable, loving, two-parent family is the optimal environment for children’s health and development in our society… Children do better in homes with stable marriages even if their parents aren’t particularly happy together, as long as the parents are reasonably cooperative.

I wrote this book because I believe that the core social and personal challenge of our time is how to make loving, permanent marriage work for ourselves and our children. I fear that no social program, no educational achievement program, no job program, no anti-crime program, and no amount of psychotherapy and Prozac will solve our society’s problems unless we figure out how men and women can sustain permanent bonds that are good for them, their children and their communities.

I wrote this book because, even if we have an unbending commitment to our mate, most of us are blind to how we lose our marriages by slow erosion if we don’t keep replenishing the soil.

I decided William Doherty would be a good person to supply the answer to my question.

Doherty believes part of the problem is that the consumer culture in which we live has affected our attitudes about marriage. We expect our mates to fill needs for us, and to bring us happiness and fulfillment.

We’ve internalized the notion that it’s okay—and even psychologically healthy—to be looking out for number one even within the context of marriage. We ask ourselves during stressful times, or boring times, or just from time to time whether we’re getting what we should from our marriage.

As Doherty puts it,

“Our culture teaches us that we’re all entitled to an exciting marriage and great sex life; if we don’t get both, we’re apt to feel deprived. What used to be seen as human weakness of the flesh has become a personal entitlement.

Steadfastness and self-sacrifice aren’t in this picture of therapeutic consumption. When the marriage relationship becomes psychologically painful or stunts our growth, there are plenty of therapists around to serve as midwives for a divorce.”

Doherty believes that the two key ingredients for a successful marriage are commitment and intentionality. Commitment may sound obvious and clear-cut. But in his years of therapy, Doherty has come to recognize two distinct kinds of commitment couples make. One is what he calls “commitment-as-long-as.” It means staying together, “not as long as we both shall live, but as long as things are working out for me.”

The other kind is what Doherty calls “commitment-no-matter-what.” He describes it as “the long view of marriage in which you don’t balance the ledgers every month to see if you are getting an adequate return on your investment… You’re here to stay.” This long-term kind of commitment is essential, according to Doherty, but can lead to stale marriages if not accompanied by intentionality.

By intentionality, Doherty means making one’s marriage a high priority. During courtship, a couple’s relationship is front and center, as he puts it. After marriage, other things often take priority: careers and children, to name the most common. Having an intentional marriage means being conscious about maintaining a connection through, among other things, “a reservoir of marital rituals of connection and intimacy.”

The main way to resist the forces that pull us apart—the natural drift of marriage over time and the insidious pull of the consumer culture—is to be a couple who carefully cultivates commitment and ways to connect over the years. Simply stated, the intentional couple thinks about their relationship, plans for their relationship, and acts for their relationship, mostly in simple, everyday ways and occasionally in big, splashy ways.

Doherty gave me an example of a simple ritual that he and his wife developed during their child-rearing years. Every evening after dinner, they’d have coffee together—without children present. Their children knew they had to leave their parents alone for these few minutes.

Years later Doherty asked his grown daughter what she had thought of that ritual as a child. She told him that it had made her feel safe because she knew it meant that her parents liked each other. Doherty believes there’s a tendency for parents to think that it’s okay to sacrifice their relationship for the children. There’s no question that having children involves sacrifices, but, as Doherty told me, “Sacrificing your marriage for the sake of your children doesn’t help anybody.”

If marital counseling is needed, Doherty advises that this is a time when being a good consumer is important. Selecting the right therapist can make all the difference. He suggests talking to people who can make a recommendation based on successful personal experience. He recommends asking questions and making it clear that you want to hold onto your marriage and make it better.

The above article titled, “The Intentional Marriage: Going Beyond Commitment” was written by Marcia Segelstein. It originally ran in Connecticut Family Matters —  June 16, 2003.