He revealed to us that he and his wife didn’t have good role models, showing them how to treat each other in marriage. And then one day they noticed us, and how Steve and I interacted with each other. They liked what they saw and kept watching (we didn’t have the slightest idea this was happening). He told us that just from observing us (and being in a marriage class we eventually taught), they learned a lot and wanted us to know that we had blessed their lives.

After reading this, we cringed to think what they might have observed (after-all, we sure aren’t perfect), but somehow God painted a good picture because he wrote that he and his wife both said they “wanted a marriage just like ours.”

That letter, and similar comments we’ve received through the years, has made us aware that people notice more than we realize they do. How we conduct ourselves day in and day out is a picture we’re helping (or hindering) God paint in their minds as to what a Christian marriage looks like. Marriage is apparently designed to reflect the love of Christ to a world that needs to see this picture so they’ll reach out for more of what God has for them as a married couple. If we allow our lives to become non-reflective of the love of God, we’re missing the main point of why God designed marriage in the first place. It’s not about what we can get out of marriage, but what can GOD use within our lives to draw others to Himself.

It would be good to ask yourself: are others drawn to God as they observe how you interact with your spouse? Do they see Christ reflected in your words and actions? If not, today is a good day to start that journey back to line your heart and actions up with God’s. Our lives are a continual work in progress, that calls us to press on to “take hold” of all that Christ has for us (see Philippians 3:12-16). You may not be perfect, just as we aren’t, but together we can press on.

We came across an article in the November/December 2002 issue of Moody Monthly Magazine (which is no longer being published) which may help you to grab onto this concept further. Within this article, Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse wrote the following:

“I applaud the desire for a strong and lasting marriage. But I’m not sure about this soul mate business. I fear [a spouse's] bright illusions will dissolve into dust the first time they have an argument about money or when she loses her job or he gets sick or either of them decides he or she wants to go to a different church.

“Even we spouses who are united in Christ have evenings when we just don’t have much to say to each other —those times when we think, ‘Why does he/she have to be like this?’ Soul mates always instinctively understand each other. Real marriage partners don’t. But real marriage partners try. And this is where we expect too little of marriage. Because a marriage wholly yielded to Christ can astonish us. Or, more precisely, God’s work in that marriage can astonish.

“A recurrent theme of Scripture shows a person or event displaying the work and power of God (Exodus 9:16, where we read of God’s call to Moses; John 9:3, Jesus’ healing of the man born blind; Romans 9:17, God’s saving mercy). Could it be that one reason God created marriage was because it’s an ideal canvas for Him to display His work through a man and a woman?

“Walter Wangerin has written eloquently about this in his book, ‘As for Me and My House.’ He tells of having grievously offended his wife, Thanne, through a series of hurts that heaped up over time, culminating in an evening game of Risk played with friends: ‘I leaned back and spread myself on my chair, feeling this to be a very good party. I made jokes. But I made them at Thanne’s expense, oblivious to their effect on her. And she saw how much of my very being belittled her. If she was dying, her husband wasn’t altogether blameless. He was killing her by small degrees and scorn.’

“Thanne withdraws emotionally, and Walt resigns himself to living without love in a house of chilly silences. ‘Thanne couldn’t forgive me,’ he writes. ‘This is a plain fact. I had broken her. Could a broken person be whole enough to forgive? No, Thanne was created finite, and couldn’t forgive me. But Jesus could.’

“One day Thanne came into his study, not angry. And she said, ‘Wally, will you hug me?’ ‘Dear Lord Jesus,’ Wangerin reflects, ‘where did this come from, this sudden, unnatural, undeserved willingness to let me touch her, hug her, love her? Not from me! I was her ruination. Not from her, but because I had killed that part of her. From You! This is God’s handiwork written large.’

“So what do we expect from marriage? From ourselves in the marriage? Fallibility. The need to forgive way beyond 70 times 7. Periods when we realize we don’t like the person we’re living with very much. Soul mate? Him? [Or her?] Yet this is the person God has entrusted to us.

“I’ve sometimes looked at Fritz wearing a garage-sale sweatshirt and thought, well, whether he’s the ‘one right person’ for me or not (a concept more romantic than scriptural), God loves him very much and thought enough of me to put Fritz into my care. Perhaps we need to ask God what He expects. Somehow, I don’t think His answers will surprise us.”

We challenge you to “ask God what He expects” of you in your marriage. He may ask you to exhibit tough love, or “speak the truth in love”, or live out sacrificial love, or love without measure, or extravagant, forgiving love that makes no worldly sense, but sense in the spiritual realm.

“Every husband and wife combination needs the healing touch of forgiveness. Where else could there be more opportunity to annoy, insult, offend, or ruffle another person that in the intimacy of married life when we’re constantly under foot, get in each other’s way, and have to share all things in common (whether we like it or not)? That’s just ordinary living, without taking into account the astonishing hurtful things husbands and wives do, which demands more forgiveness than any of us could work up on our own (Dr Ed Wheat, “The First Years of Forever”).

In our fallibility, may we remember to extend to our spouse, the same grace of God that has extended to us in the art of marriage.

Cindy and Steve Wright

One pastor we heard of, recommends to everyone he marries that they write out their wedding vows, frame them, and then display them somewhere in their home so they’ll continually be reminded what they promised each other. What an outstanding idea! Too often we forget what we promise each other on our wedding day —kind of like the man “who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets” (James 1:23-24). We often say our “I do’s” at the altar and then walk away afterward from what we promised as if we never said them.

But we need to tell you that the marriage vows you promise each other, are very important to God. They aren’t something God takes lightly or later forgets. And neither should you or your spouse. The Bible says, “Let your ‘yes’ be yes, and your ‘no’ be no or you will be condemned” (James 5:12). It’s also noted, “It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later consider his vows” (Proverbs 20:25).

Up front, we want you to know this isn’t a Marriage Message intended to throw verbal stones at anyone. God knows we’re ALL sinners, and no one can “cast the first stone” without throwing some their own way (and Steve and I recognize that we’re included in that mob). Sadly, we’ve sure gone through times when we didn’t take our vows as seriously as we should have!

Instead, this message is hopefully a wake-up call for us all, as it concerns our marriages. As God’s children, we are God’s ambassadors representing the bride and Bridegroom to a world that needs to see this living picture lived out in healthy ways. And may we do so to the glory of God!

Author H. Dale Burke says something important about the marriage vows couples promise each other on their wedding day. He says that those who marry often look at them as a romantic, “legal” or “religious” formality “to be dispensed with before the party can begin” (and afterward they wake up to reality, rather than a lifelong party). He says,

“… Maybe they just consider [their vows] to be a part of cultural tradition, like singing the national anthem before a ball game or saying the pledge of allegiance at the start of a school day. But what SHOULD it mean — what DOES it mean to say such things to a person in the presence of God? What does God do during the wedding? Is He, like us, merely a spectator?”

No. God said, through the Bible, something that both men and women should pay attention to:

“You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, ‘Why?’ It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man’s covering himself [which actually means 'his wife'] with violence as well as with his garment,’ says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith” (Malachi 2:13-16).

God takes marriage and committing violence with words and deeds very seriously. It is a way of breaking faith. (Ephesians 4 and 5 and 1 Peter 3 speaks more on this and the way we should conduct ourselves in our marriages so that we live with each other in an “understanding way.”

In all honesty, Steve and I have to admit that we didn’t have much of a grasp on understanding what we were committing ourselves to on our wedding day. If God hadn’t woken us up (and we hadn’t followed His leading), our marriage would have probably ended up as a divorce statistic instead of a love story written by God (which we believe our marriage is now). God showed us that when we started treating each other disrespectfully, our relationship started to go down the same slippery slope that many others go down to their marital deaths (as ours almost did as well).

We had to make a complete reversal of the way we were treating each other and learn how to relate together in healthier ways. And it sure hasn’t been easy, and at times it still isn’t to this day! Even though we know better, we find that we can still fall into the same “disrespectful and unloving” trap other couples do as they try to live out their wedding vows.

When that happens, we have to step back, regroup, connect again with God and with each other, and “fight the good fight” WITH GOD, instead of aiming at and fighting against each other. (If you find yourself in this same hurtful cycle, you’ll find a lot of helpful articles, tools, and recommended resources on the Marriage Missions web site to help you make your relationship a healthier one. Plus, at the end of this article we have a link to an additional article on this subject to help you further.)

H. Dale Burke, in his book, “Different by Design” (published by Moody Press) gives insight on this when he wrote,

“I’ll never forget the couple who showed up in my office weekly trying to patch up their marriage which, while in trouble, had incurred no damage that was beyond repair. … This was just two Christians who hadn’t learned to think ‘we’ instead of ‘me.’ They had never been taught to value and respect one another or nurture their love.

“Tragically, the biggest obstacle standing between them and reconciliation was Christian friends who kept fueling their frustrations and counseling them to give up. The very group of people who should have been cheering their efforts to save the marriage was sabotaging the rescue mission.

“At least one part of this couple’s problem was rooted in a misunderstanding of what marriage is all about. They, like most newlyweds today, saw marriage as a contract, which, according to my dictionary, is a ‘binding agreement.’ At the heart of every contract is a set of conditions or promises — the ‘deal.’ The deal is, you do this for me and I’ll do that for you.

“A contract lays out what ‘this’ and ‘that’ consists of. It also has an escape clause; either stated or implied, which says that if you fail to do ‘this,’ then I can stop doing ‘that.’ And in recent times, quite frankly, many people don’t feel that their contracts mean much of anything. All I need to justify breaking one is to say I’m not happy with the deal.

“Tragically, this flexible concept of contracts is how many people now view marriage. ‘If my marriage is an ordeal,’ they say, ”I’ll opt out and look for a better deal somewhere else.’ This is the unspoken amendment many people attach to their spoken vows of matrimony. Men and women differ in a lot of ways when it comes to what they bring to the marriage relationship, but this is a weakness they both share. Thousands of husbands and wives exercise this escape clause every year.

“A question worth asking, then, if words have meaning and we desire to be responsible with our wedding vows, is the same question abbreviated on so many bracelets and other items in recent years: What would Jesus do? Or better yet, what would Jesus declare about marriage, divorce, and the meaning behind those vows so often heard at weddings?”

You can read what Jesus said in Matthew 19 and you can understand more as you read through what the Bible says about relationships. Saying “I do” is the easy part, living it is a whole different matter. That’s the difficult part!

Through it all, please know that:

“Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But IF it becomes that, it is because BOTH partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way. They will have died to selfishness a thousand times. They will have had countless difficult conversations. They will have endured sleepless nights and strained days. The will have prayed hundreds of prayers for wisdom and courage and understanding. They will have said, ‘I’m sorry’ too many times to remember. They will have been stretched to the breaking point often enough to have learned that, unless Christ is at the center of both their lives, the odds for achieving marital satisfaction are very, very low” (Bill and Lynne Hybels).

And to that we say, Amen! It’s a tough mission —one that is more difficult than we could ever anticipate before we say “I do.” But with mind-sets to persevere, with intentionality to do what it takes to make your marriage the best it can be, and with God’s help, all things are possible (and can have it’s times of being “wonderful”).

We pray as you look to the Lord, He will help your marriage to be one that reflects the heart of Christ,
Cindy and Steve Wright

-ALSO-

To help you further on this subject, please click onto the link provided below to read the Crosswalk.com article titled:

• 9 SUCCESS FACTORS AFTER SAYING “I DO”

And by “people” we’re specifically referring to Christians, because that’s who we’re addressing in this message. For those of you who are followers of Christ who are looking to marry someday or maybe you know a Christian who is considering marriage (that you could pass this information on to), please keep reading. It’s vitally important to marry the right person the FIRST time and not give into the current divorce trend that is happening in today’s world.

We are not to be marrying with just our hearts, but use God’s wisdom, discernment, and insight as well. It’s important to “keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward” (Ben Franklin). If you didn’t do this yourself (and/or your spouse didn’t), maybe you can join us to prevent future tragedies in helping others to NOT make the same mistakes. It’s the “live, learn, and pass it on” principle.

It’s truly puzzling to us, why Christians aren’t being more cautious in who and when they marry — especially when it’s such a life-changing decision for them, and it’s extremely important to God’s Kingdom work. Marriage is portrayed throughout the Bible as a living, symbolic picture of Christ’s love for His church. How we interact with each other within our marriage is a vehicle God wants to use to demonstrate to the world, the sacrificial love of Christ.

God has a loving message He wants to speak through our married lives to help draw those who don’t know Him, to Himself. How sad that so many of us aren’t recognizing this and being more careful as we approach marriage so our living testimony is a positive one.

Even when building a tower the Lord warns about how important it is to “consider the costs” so that in the end, things will come out as they should and the builder won’t suffer regrets as well as be “ridiculed” by those who are watching (see Luke 14:28-30). And yet how much more important it is to “consider the costs” of building a marriage, which comes on the other side of the wedding ceremony! The vows we commit to are supposed to last a lifetime, it’s not just a limited time offer until the “love” and happiness dies. God didn’t design marriage to be a temporary union until something or someone better comes along.

For this reason, we caution those of you who are approaching marriage to BE VERY SURE to make your vows ONLY to someone who is committed to building a marriage relationship for a lifetime with you and with God, as “a cord of three strands” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). Love can be fun and grand when it’s all new and shiny, but eventually the shine wears off. At that point you’ll see how important it is to be married to someone who is committed to you and to God to build and rebuild, work and rework on your marriage relationship with unity as a goal.

In approaching marriage, be aware that many of us have “blind spots” that we don’t see or want to see concerning this sacred union and the person we think we should marry. Author Rob Eagar addresses this in his book “Dating with Pure Passion” (Harvest House Publishers). He wrote, “Some are too quick to think God has given them a revelation to marry through some inner feeling or ironic coincidence. They don’t do the hard work of carefully thinking the decision through.”

We’ve been contacted by many, many people who have gotten caught up in this phenomenon, only later to regret marrying without better preparing. God DOES sometimes reveal our future mate to us, but not very often. It’s important to slow things down, prepare just the same and make SURE you both rightly heard God and are willing to stay promise keepers in the future when things get tough — which they will. We all go through tough times in marriage. Just because God draws you together, it doesn’t mean that you are exempt from working through difficult issues that arise.

Rob Eagar also points out in his book that “similar problems (in overlooking blind spots) are caused by idealizing. We may hold to unreasonable ideals about romantic love or the perfect mate. Having ideals for marriage is crucial, but it is vital that these be realistic and in line with God’s best intentions for our life.”

Amen! Be aware that romantic love can sometimes be fantasy love, where you’re more in love with love and the person you THINK you’re marrying, than the one you are indeed marrying. For this reason, it’s best to prepare more for the marriage than the wedding. The wedding is only a one day fantasy event, which is nice and fun, but marriage is to be lived out for the rest of your lives together.

Don’t try to cheat by holding back on getting to better know each other and learn to work through important issues as you should in a healthy way. It will set the course for the direction of your marriage (if you find that it’s still wise to marry once you’ve done the work you should). We’ve got a lot of tools, articles and recommended resources on our web site to help you in this mission.

Keep in mind that once you’re married, your life will no longer be only yours to consider. You’re no longer ONE individual making decisions as to how you’re to proceed in every situation. From the moment you say “I do”, you change the dynamics of your life FROM THAT DAY FORWARD and your responsibility will be to consider your spouse in every choice you make (and for your spouse to do the same) so you “cleave together” in partnership as God intends. (Read 1 Corinthians 7 and Mark 10:2-9 for further explanation.)

Being cleaved together in marriage doesn’t mean that you’re so enmeshed in each other that one of you is erased. It means that the two of you, with very different personalities, strengths, weaknesses, expectations, and inclinations, may not always THINK ALIKE … but after you make your vows to each other, you are now committed to “THINK TOGETHER.”

Your goal will continually be to make daily choices, considering what’s best for the health of your relationship with each other and with God. Any decision you make that tears away from that sacred commitment comes with a very costly price to pay both emotionally and spiritually.

Marriage isn’t for those who want to hang onto their independence or those who aren’t willing to do the hard work it takes to grow in maturity and selflessness. You should only marry if you are prepared to be resourceful to FIND ways to weather even the toughest of times together.

You also need to look deep within yourself to work on your own issues to become the best you can be as a follower of Christ and a marriage partner — working together with God to love your spouse HIS way. Look to the Bible as your guidebook for that. The principles for loving your spouse are the principles for living that you find throughout the Bible.

“Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. Marriage is not so much about you or your spouse — it is more about God” (Emerson Eggerichs). If you can’t love each other as God does, then marrying is not a good idea.

BE VERY SURE BEFORE YOU MARRY that you are BOTH able to live in marriage as God would have you.  “Be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2).

May God give you wisdom in your approach to marriage,
Cindy and Steve Wright

Is that your goal in marriage? It sure is ours! Since the day we committed our lives to Christ, it’s been our goal not to deny God anything. We continually strive to give our all to Him and our lives have been all the richer for it.

We continually pray that when others see us, they will see Christ IN us and will want to know our God better —that we won’t distort the message of the love of Christ through how we live our lives. We also pray we will always live faithful and fully committed to our God and to each other for the rest of our lives. May God help us in this mission, and may this is your mission as well!

This week we want to share with you a true testimony from the lives of two ordinary people who lived in extraordinary faithfulness to the marriage commitment they made to each other over half a decade before. The full article is titled “57 Years in 5 Simple Steps” and was featured in Marriage Partnership Magazine several years ago.

In this article, Phil Callaway had asked his parents to give him “5 good reasons” why they were still together. What his mom wrote was simple and yet has sure has inspired us in our marriage. We hope it will inspire you as well.

The following is a “brief summary” of Phil’s parents’ marital experience: “‘Five reasons We’re Still Together’ by Victor and Bernice Callaway.

1. “EXAMPLE: When we were married, we hardly knew about divorce. I guess everyone at our wedding, including us, fully expected the knot to stay tied. We watched their marriages. We had seen their faithfulness. We would stay faithful too. We realize you won’t have that advantage. Some of your closest friends may pack it in. But no matter how dark the road gets, you will find examples of faithfulness. AND WHEN YOU CAN’T FIND EXAMPLES, YOU CAN STILL BE ONE.

2. “COMMITMENT: Sometimes I felt like walking out on Dad. And a few times I did. Early in our marriage I occasionally took long walks to get away from him. But I always returned to his loving arms. We made a pledge before God that we would stay committed to each other for life.

3. “DEVOTIONS: Through reading God’s Word and praying together almost every night, we learned what God planned and expected for our marriage. We memorized verses that encouraged us to be loving, kind and honest and to keep on forgiving. We asked God for guidance and He provided it. We prayed for children and embraced each one as gifts from God.

4. “TOGETHERNESS: As a Christian family we stuck together, warts and all. Though we often failed, we’re learning to admit wrong and ask for forgiveness. We laughed lots. We cried lots. We talked lots. We worked together and we played together.

5. “GOALS: Since the day we said our vows, our goal has been to walk worthy of the Lord and to keep on walking until we see his face. Sometimes we’ve fallen flat on our faces. But when that happened, we’ve been given grace to get up and claim God’s promise: ‘My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest’ (Exodus 33:14).

“Aging brings with it a whole new challenge. It’s no flat plateau; sometimes the hills seem steeper and the cliffs more precarious, but we’re learning to trust God for what’s ahead and to thank him for the abundant and undeserved mercies of the past.

“Not long after I read my mom’s note, someone informed me that another of my wedding day videos (that he tapes on various weekends) had become obsolete. I thought about my parents standing at the altar on a day when the temperature dipped to 45 below in Toronto. They knew that 10 days later Dad would go back to war, leaving his tearful bride waving from a train station platform. So they joined hands and promised to be faithful. They had no idea that their first child would die in their arms or that they would spend their entire lives below the poverty line. But they vowed to comfort each other, no matter what came their way.

“By today’s standards Mom and Dad didn’t have much… just $75, a solitary wedding ring and a suitcase full of dreams. More than half a century later, they still don’t have much. But their dreams were never about good fortune. Instead they dreamed of children who would follow God — and they got five of them. They dreamed of years of faithfulness — and they got more than 57 years of them. You can travel the world, but I’ll guarantee you one thing: you’ll never meet two wealthier people.”

It’s our prayer that we’ll be able to pass onto our children a love story such as this married couple did. What a precious inheritance! And it is our hope that you’ll also be able to live out a wonderful love story for all who are in your life to witness. As we’ve heard it said before, “It’s not how you start the race that’s as important as how you finish.” If you have issues to work through, lean into learning how to do this with the wisdom and strength God can give you.

We hope that if your love story falls short of that which the Lord longs for you to demonstrate, you’ll take to heart and live out what we’re told in the Bible,

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart” (Hebrews 12:1-3).

Steve and Cindy Wright

“Since we’ve personally experienced communication problems and other struggles in our relationship, we can stand here, not any better than any of you—but maybe a little older and have been down the path a little further to pass along to you the same comfort and encouragement that God has given us— and God has given us a lot! (Yep! Steve and I can relate!)

“Our principle message is about differences. Sometimes people think differences are to be endured. We’d like to present that differences are to be appreciated. The world’s system doesn’t understand this because one of the grounds for divorce is incompatibility— which means ‘they were different from each other’.

But differences are actually God-designed. It’s ok to be different. Yet we don’t always live out those differences in ways that can benefit the other. We read a poem that reminded us of what goes on in our lives. It’s called: ‘He Said, She Said’ and it reads:

“Another marriage is shattered, Lord.
The divorce will be final next week.
He said it was the breakdown of communication
and a subtle infiltration of boredom;
She said it was an accumulation of things.
He said she was unnecessarily preoccupied
with home and children and activities.
She said he stifled her dreams
and ignored her achievements.

“He said he felt imprisoned and restricted—

that night after night he got the old push-away.
She said he was harsh and brutal
and he often embarrassed her in public.
He said her critical attitudes
contributed to his sense of inadequacy.
She said she felt lonely and unappreciated
with no claim to personal identity.

He said she wallowed in self-pity
and refused to acknowledge her benefits.
She said he was thriftless and irresponsible.
He said she didn’t understand;
she said he didn’t care.

Lord, how tragic!
Through all the wearisome years
neither of them asked…

what YOU said.

“What we want to do is tell you what the Lord says about relationships. It came to me that in Philippians, where we read about the minds of Christ in chapter 2, that unless we have the mind of Christ, we cannot carry out the things He tells us to do. Starting in verse 5 it says:

“‘Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men, and being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore also God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those who are in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.’

“There are several things the Lord did in that passage. He’s our example, so there are four things we have to do. First He denied Himself. Then He became a servant. The next thing that He did was humble himself before God. If you’re going to do things God’s way you’re going to have to humble yourself. It’s not any fun to do that —especially when you know that you’re right. But then He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross.

“When you humble yourselves and become obedient, you think you’re going to die. You come back to self-denial— and go right through that again as a servant. And the thing that will happen is, you will be exalted. The Lord says, ‘humble yourself before the Lord and He will exalt you.’

“That’s what’s happened to us as a married couple. Because one of us is willing to be obedient then the other is the benefactor. And when one of us is the benefactor, we’re both benefactors. And you get the good circle going instead of the bad circle.”

“The Bible talks in Genesis 2 about the ‘helper’ situation in marriage. It means to be a completer. It’s good that a woman and a man in marriage are different because you complete each other. Further in Genesis 2 it says, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife in such a way that the two become one person.’

“The word joined means glued. That’s why divorce is so destructive. When you put them together, it’s like two pieces of paper that you glue together. When you separate them there’s inevitably going to be scars of each on the other.

“It’s a devastating thing to see the scars from a previous relationship carried into the present one. If you’ve experienced this, draw a line in the sand saying, ‘The past is past. I’m going to look to the future and make the most of my present.’”

What Chuck and Barb shared contains so many truths. We can get so caught up in our own perspective of how we see ourselves being treated in a marriage that we forget God’s perspective in all of this. He’s usually more concerned about our character development than our comfort level. And what we’ve learned through He can use to help others and us, if we’re open to it.

If you were to stand before the Lord today to give an account for how you interact with your spouse concerning how you handle your differences and incompatibility, would He be able to say, “well done, good and faithful servant”? Are you living a “life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” as we’re told in the Bible in Ephesians 5? If not— today can be a new beginning. It’s never wrong to start doing what is right.

Steve and Cindy Wright

I got to thinking about all of this upon reading a related article, after we replaced one of our aging, high maintenance computers because of all of the problems, bugs, worms, Trojans, viruses and expense we had to deal with to accomplish everyday tasks for Marriage Missions. We purchased a lower maintenance Apple computer (a MAC) upon recommendations from our computer tech.

And then we came across an article titled “Hello, I’m a MAC. And I’m a PC” written by relationship expert, Scott Stanley (on his Sliding vs Deciding web site) and we can see how these computers parallel marriage.

In his article, Scott was talking about all of the problems he was having with his PC system and how it was causing him grief and how he was contemplating using a MAC for certain tasks —when he realized how marriages can be compared to these systems. He writes:

“How is marriage like the difference between MACs and PCs? Or rather how are differences in marriages like MACs and PCs? Most marriages, and I mean perfectly good, worth working on, solid marriages, are like PCs, not MACs. Just as there are many more PCs in the world than MACs, and there are many more PC marriages than MAC marriages. (BTW, if you think I’m talking about what type of computer you have at home, you haven’t shifted yet to the more abstract level. I’m not talking computer equipment now.)

“Here’s the deal. While the people I know with MACs are not always perfectly happy with their MACs, they’re mostly a seriously happy lot when it comes to computing. They turn on their computers (which look gorgeous, of course), they do what they meant to do in getting on their computers, they don’t think as much about the computer as they go about doing their tasks or following their interests, and then they move on. How simple. It starts up, you click on some things, you happily compute, and when you’re done, you do something else. And none of your time involves searching for an error message on Google.

“Now seriously, that’s not my experience with PCs. PCs are something else. PCs add a sense of deep mystery to life that is more in tune with the way life really is. PC people are living closer to reality in some cosmic sense.

“Some people have MAC marriages but most people have PC marriages. You know you have a MAC marriage if it just works most all the time and you don’t think about why it works or how to make it keep working. You know you have a PC marriage if you have to frequently reboot, install a patch, update something, scan for problems, or simply endure the fact that something isn’t working today that worked yesterday. PCs are exciting. MACs? Oh, they are so boring.

“I think some people end up in MAC marriages — which are much more rare than PC marriages — simply because of luck. Others do so because they are careful in the right ways about how they partnered up. For some couples, they simply had compatibility, attraction and a big helping of easy-going-ness. (Those with MAC marriages should not be arrogant; being thankful would be more the thing or else you may find your MAC starting to slow down.)

“Most marriages, and this includes very good marriages, are PCs. They take effort in order to keep doing the work of life. The truth is, in healthy marriages that have enough of the right stuff and that are not dangerous, the work is worth it. Sadly that message is regularly undermined in our culture. But it’s true, and much research supports the point. There’s no getting around the work. It’s just part of life in a PC marriage.

“And remember this, those of you in PC marriage: You have the opportunity of getting that deep sense of satisfaction that comes from overcoming things together. MAC marriage people can only dream of that joy.”

We believe Dr Stanley makes some great points for all of us to note. So, where do we go from here if we’re not in a MAC marriage, which is most of us (Steve and me included) and there is a lot of maintenance to be done to help our relationship grow in a healthy way? Do we throw away our marriage because it’s more work than we had thought or hoped for? Sadly, many people are doing that. Look at the divorce statistics.

But we don’t believe that God intends for His children to throw away their marriages (like outdated computers) and switch to another like we’re seeing over and over again in today’s world. But what can we do to combat this growing problem?

First, we need to help those who aren’t yet married to make better choices — GOD’S choices in whom they marry. Couples often “buy into the lie” that their love will just naturally grow more wonderful after they marry because their love is more unique and “different” than the other relationships they see around them. But that is the type of fairy tale attitude that is contributing to the high divorce rate.

The reality is that there is a lot more work and mature growth that is required than most couples realize before they marry. It takes more than a good connection in the beginning of their love for each other to make a marriage relationship a happy and healthy one.

Marriages aren’t meant to be disposable as computers —they’re meant to last a lifetime. And in order for that to happen, those who are looking to marry need to make sure they have what it takes to make that a reality.

We realize that there is a lot of denial and a lot of naivety that can be in the works before couples marry. But to the degree that it is possible, please help those you possibly can, to open their eyes to put in the necessary prep work to make sure they’re best suited to marry each other. Some people can have a lot of fun together in the short term, but they make lousy life-long marriage partners together —especially if either or both of them aren’t willing or able to grow in maturity together through the tough times they will encounter.

Marriage is for grown-ups — it’s for those who are willing to partner together in making their relationship the best it can be — one in which God’s love is lived out and can be plainly seen.

Those who aren’t willing to grow in maturity or leave their selfism behind, simply should not marry, no matter how strong their attraction is for each other. Also, being equally yoked is important —spiritually, emotionally, and morally.

We have a lot of articles and recommended resources available on our web site that can help couples learn about this and more of what they need in order to be best prepared for marriage.

It’s important to ask questions, be truthful with and find out more about each other, face Truth, pray, seek God’s wisdom, and find others who can help invest in your relationship so you can make sure you have what it takes to make this lifetime, sacred commitment.

If you’re married, ask God to help you to learn what you need to, so you can put the maintenance in that’s needed to at least do YOUR PART in being a good marriage partner. God will guide as you look to Him. That doesn’t mean that you won’t have to apply tough love principles or have to put down healthy boundaries or have to do some inner searching and facing of Truth at times, but God will help you as you seek Him — although it might not be in a way you expect.

And if you have a receptive spouse, find a time when it would be good to talk and can get on your knees together to ask God for help in teaching each of you what you need to learn so you can take your marriage to a higher level. Together, with God involved in your marriage as a “chord of three strands”, it is amazing how much your relationship can grow in ways you never imagined possible.

Don’t gripe about marriage being so difficult, or look at other marriages — wishing you had what they do. Instead, put your eyes on your own path, invest in your own marriage (rather than away from it), “reboot, install a patch, update something, scan for problems” and do what it takes to make the necessary adjustments and repairs to your relationship. And don’t give up so easily. Some of the most rewarding relationships come after a lot of very difficult, soul-searching work!

Realize that you may have a PC marriage and that is OK. Face up to that reality and grow in maturity and character as you work together with God. You may or may not ever have a MAC marriage, but it will be what you make it with the strength and the wisdom God can give you as you seek all you can become in Him.

“Let us not become weary of doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Colossians 3:11).

Cindy and Steve Wright

Maybe that’s the reason the Apostle Paul said, “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things…” (Philippians 3:12-15).

It’s not that we aren’t to ever look back, but we aren’t supposed to live our lives staring into the rear view mirror, because it will hold us back from doing all that which we SHOULD do today.

So there are the “if only’s”, but also the “Why should I’s” that can cause problems. Steve and I hear them (and have even said them quite regularly. “WHY SHOULD I be decent and civil to my spouse when he/she isn’t?” Frankly, because the Bible tells us, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ Jesus, God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

It is written, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). And how about what we’re told in 2 Timothy 2:23, “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments because you know they produce quarrels.”

We can get angry and say, “WHY SHOULD I speak nice to my spouse when all I get is insults?” God’s answer: “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9). “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were seated for the day of redemption” (Ephesians 4:29-30).

So you ask, “WHY SHOULD I?” Ultimately, it’s because He says, “I told you so, that’s why.” Just look throughout the Bible, you’ll see a whole lot more reasons than we can give you here.

We often hear wives say, “WHY SHOULD I treat Him with respect when He doesn’t act worthy of it?” The answer is, it’s NOT because HE’S worthy of respect that you do it — it’s because GOD has His reasons and HE says so. You can see that in Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3, where He makes it clear. It doesn’t say, “as long as he acts worthy of respect, then treat him with respect, otherwise, treat him as you like!” You’re doing this “as unto the Lord” — and for that reason alone.

And men, if you like throwing those portions of the Bible around to justify your own bad behavior, you’re wrong. You have even MORE responsibility in all of this to show love to your wife as you’re told in Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 and other places. God holds you responsible for loving your wife “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” and presenting her to God “without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish.” The question arises, “How can you do that when you’re bruising her heart by acting in an unloving, emotionally disconnected manner?”

The question a man might come up with (and some women as well), is, “WHY SHOULD I show her/him everything that’s on my computer or on my cell phone? Can’t I have any privacy?” Nope, you gave that up when you married. 1 Corinthians 7 makes it pretty clear that if you wanted “to be free” to do more of what you want to do without having to consider what a spouse would say, then you shouldn’t have married in the first place.

And then we can go back to the whole “If only’s”. However, it’s written in James 5:12, “Let your ‘yes’ be yes and your ‘no’ be no, or you will be condemned.” Don’t promise something you can’t or won’t live up to and will eventually try to escape. “It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later consider his vows” (Proverbs 20:25).

We also hear from people who talk of God “not wanting” them to suffer as they are in their marriage, so they rationalize hopping from one marriage into another one, dragging their kids along. They talk of God’s love and grace and such. And that is true. God does extend grace. But as you read Romans 6, you’ll see this is not what God wants from us. We’re taking advantage of His amazing grace when we treat His precepts and laws and desires for us so lightly.

We see this all around us, even on the Marriage Missions web site where we have well over a thousand articles posted (and more being added regularly) to help our readers. Each article allows comments and encouragements from those that read and write. It’s an amazing platform where people from every nation are ministering to one another.

But it’s also a platform, like a hospital, where those who need help seek it there. Not everyone’s questions are answered or problems are solved, but we see God working in amazing ways through that which people write. And yet, it’s also evident that there is a lot of infidelity and rationalizing hurtful behavior that is being written about. So those of you, who can, pray about coming onto the web site and praying with and encouraging those who are hurting.

The reason I write this is because we’ve received comments from those who are not Christians who say that our “mission” is failing, and that it’s obvious that Christians are just as messed up as those without Christ, because of what they read on our web site. They don’t see God’s grace in action as much as they see the failure of Christians to live out what they say they believe. How sad! It’s sad that they don’t see the sick being ministered to, and the love of Christ being lived out.

It’s also a sad testimony that our lives and our marriages look as sick or sicker than those who don’t know Christ in a personal way! How this must break God’s heart! Yes, He extends grace, but it hurts His heart and His Kingdom work in other ways to do so. What amazing grace!

We hope what is written above will help you to consider the “If only’s” and the “Why SHOULD I’s” as something the enemy of our faith is feeding us to hurt us. Marriage is not all about us. “Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ” (Emerson Eggerichs). It’s a living testimony designed to point others TO the love of Christ.

We conclude by passing along to you something one of our subscribers, Alan Cook, wrote to us that we pray will give you food for thought this week. He wrote,

“I once gave a talk to a group of men about marriage being the most important missionary work we could ever do. For what does it help that we feed the poor, evangelize the world and yet we lose our most important calling and mission —our own sacred marriage?”

We encourage you to pray about it. 
Cindy and Steve Wright

YEP! We’ve been there and believed that one too! And what a slippery slope of fantasy we found we had embraced, after we woke up to reality and then tried to figure out what to do next, before our marriage died from the fall! We thank God that He led us to be “STUBBORNLY MARRIED” so we could survive and even learn how to thrive and build our marriage into a good one. But it hasn’t come easily (and still doesn’t at times) … a good marriage takes hard work!

Lets face it, whatever you don’t maintain usually falls apart! That’s true in marriage, just as it is in other areas of life. Try filling your car with gas one time and then keep driving it “from this day forward” without doing anything else to maintain it and see how far you go. Try fixing up your house and then let it go from there and see how great a place it is to live in over the next 50 years or so. How about letting your garden grow itself without putting in any work to maintain it? How well do you think it would do without putting in some work to help it to grow?

Try feeding and clothing your children in the beginning of their lives, say a year or two, and then let them fend for themselves after that while you sit around and watch TV and “do your own thing” whenever you’re home and see how well they do! Would they thrive? No. So why do any of us think it will work if we apply the same principle to marriage? If you ignore it, it will break down, crumble, starve and eventually collapse (and injure you and many others in the process).

Marriage is an explorative journey – one where a man and woman live in sacred partnership for a lifetime, helping each other become all God created them to be — both as individuals and as a couple — united in purpose by God, as a “cord of three strands”. When we don’t realize that mission or we ignore the hard work it takes to maintain and live this out, we fall short of having a marriage like the Bridegroom and Bride of Christ — united, as God would have us!

Marriage is a sacred union, a journey, and a mission that isn’t to be entered into by those who want to cling to selfism — individuals who don’t want to do the hard work it takes to unite in partnership in how they approach life “from this day forward.”

“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3). In marriage, we are to agree together with God to walk united in His purpose. We won’t always think alike, but we are to work to think TOGETHER.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend [or spouse] can help him up… Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (see: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). If you haven’t yet, and you are fighting against each other in what should be a marriage partnership, today is the day to join hands for a NEW BEGINNING, united together with God.

“’Haven’t you read,’ [Jesus] replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate’” (Matthew 19:4-7). Please understand that you can separate each other in your attitudes as well as physically.

If this is what you are doing, ask God to show you HOW to join together — despite the problems you are now experiencing. The Bible says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” And so do a lot of marriages! Pray for a new vision. Pray for eyes that help you to see each other and your marriage as God sees each of you and your marriage. God can make all things new, and that includes resurrecting dead feelings, restoring sight to the emotionally blind, and healing the emotionally sick. God can create that which is “good” out of nothing. If He created the heavens and the earth, He certainly is capable of doing His creation work within each of you.

If you married someone you shouldn’t have or you have been disobedient as God’s child in how you have conducted yourself in your marriage, then look to God. His grace is amazing! He can “make your paths straight” if you “trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean no on your own understanding” and “in all your ways acknowledge Him” (see: Proverbs 3:5-6). He is there for all who seek Him — all who are eager to learn His ways.

“The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them” (Psalm 145:13-19).

We encourage you to put in the hard work it takes to make your marriage the best it can be – one in which it is evident that God is at work. Become STUBBORNLY MARRIED — be tenacious in staying together, praying together (if your spouse will participate… if not, pray alone); ask God for wisdom in learning what you need to overcome the relationship obstacles before you in your marriage. Recognize that “Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. Marriage is not about you” (Emerson Eggerichs).

Marriage is a vehicle you take on your journey with God through your life this side of heaven. Please do what you can to maintain that vehicle so it is in the best condition that is possible.

And as you do that, not only will the journey be more fulfilling for you, you may find others who will want to know your God better as they are curious about “how you do it” — how you live your life in this way. You will be “communicating the gospel with and without words” in how you live your life as a living testimony within your marriage — pointing them to the empowerment one can experience through a personal and on-going relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

We hope you will — to make it your goal to “reveal the heart of Christ” within your marriage. In doing so, we are confident that more will seek Him and come to know Him in a personal way!

May God bless you in this mission!
Cindy and Steve Wright

We want to revisit the subject of prayer once again this week because it’s so important. We’ve personally seen the power of prayer transform our lives in so many positive ways as the Lord has brought unity into our relationship despite the walls we created through our hardened hearts.

We would like to share a point that Stormie Omartian makes in her wonderful book, “The Power of a Praying Wife“ (Harvest House Publishers). She addresses the question, “I don’t even like him —how can I pray for him?” Keep in mind that even though she is addressing wives, concerning husbands, the same can be said and prayed by the husband concerning his wife. She writes:

“Have you ever been so mad at your husband [or wife] that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him [or her]? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s [she’s] hurt you. But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?

“The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to ‘pretty it up’ for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.

“If you’re angry at your husband [or wife], tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, ‘I’m going to live my life and let him [her] live his [or hers].’ There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord’ (1 Corinthians 11:11).

“Instead say: ‘Lord nothing in me wants to pray for [my spouse]. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him [her]. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward [my spouse]. Where [my marital partner] has erred, reveal it to him [her] and convict his [her] heart about it. Lead through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness.

“’Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so. If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen.

“‘As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him [her] because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for [my marriage partner] and words to heal this situation.’

“If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband [or wife] every day for a month. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him [or her] and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him [or her]. Notice if his [or her] attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running smoother.

“If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your [spouse] through God’s eyes —not just as your [spouse], but as God’s child, whom the Lord loves —can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.”

I (Cindy) pray the Lord ministers to your heart through these thoughts. I know that nothing draws me closer to a right attitude about my husband than praying for him. As Stormie also said, “I’ve seen women with no feelings of love for their husbands find that as they prayed, over time, those feelings came. Sometimes they felt differently even after the first heartfelt prayer.”

I know this to be true in my own life because there was a time when I didn’t think I had any love for Steve. But as I began to pray that God would “renew a right spirit in me,” and I laid my dead feelings at the feet of Christ and earnestly prayed for Steve, God resurrected that which was dead and helped me to love Steve for who he really is instead of who I thought he needed to be.

As I (Steve) re-visit the subject of praying, I’m drawing again from the book, “The Power Of A Praying Husband“ by Stormie Omartian (Harvest House Publishers). As Cindy said, it’s sometimes difficult for our wives to pray for us because there are times they don’t even “like us.”

As I reflect on her statement I can’t help but think that those times usually happened when I was either apathetic or too controlling in our relationship —neither of which modeled Christ like behavior. I found Stormie’s book enlightening in a number of different ways regarding having the proper “prayer attitude” when praying for Cindy.

Let me cite an example. In “The Power Of A Praying Husband“ Stormie wrote, “Whatever you don’t pray about in your life you leave up to chance. And that’s not good enough when it comes to your marriage. The problem with chance in marriage is chances are there will be difficult times. Chances are there will be disagreements. Chances are there will be misunderstandings and hurts. Chances are there will be selfishness and hardness of heart. That’s because we are, after all, human. But if we leave the outcome of these things up to chance, we’ll wind up in trouble down the line.”

Stormie maintains that all of these things can be turned around through prayer. “If busyness, work-aholism, unforgiveness, strife, childrearing, careers, separate interests, boredom, miscommunication has crept between you and your wife, God can work through your prayers to bring down the wall that separates you, and mold you together in unity. Praying for your wife will not only soften her heart, it will soften yours as well.”

Doesn’t that give you hope? No matter what’s happened in your marriage, God can bring healing. You have Him on your side. And if God is on your side, you become a winner in the end!

We encourage you to pray for one another and love each other as God loves you. Please know our prayers are with you as together, we strive to make our marriages the best they can be because of the love of Christ,

Steve and Cindy Wright

What this says to us is that the family who prays together has a much greater chance of staying together. Because praying together has such a positive and effect on our marriages, we’d like to share with you a portion of the book, “When Couples Pray” by Cheri Fuller (Multnomah Publishers). We hope you find it to be as inspiring and practical as we have. Cheri writes:

“When Charlie Shedd, beloved Christian author, and his wife, Martha, were a newly married couple—just a couple of kids fresh from Iowa—one of the first lessons they learned was that there are some things you just can’t express in words. Charlie was studying to be a pastor, and he knew how important prayer and God’s Work were for the spiritual bonding he and his young wife desired.

“But in their first times of prayer together, Martha said that she was afraid that what she said to God would embarrass Charlie. Charlie understood why she might feel that way. As a seminary student, he was articulate, whether speaking to a group or telling God his thoughts. He sensed that Martha was more than a little intimidated by his verbal skills.

“So instead of praying aloud, they decided to take a different approach —they began to ask each other about their biggest concerns, listen as each shared, and then pray about them together silently. They’d hold hands, pray silently for the other person, and then pray the Lord’s Prayer together or read Psalm 23 aloud together.

“Real life gave this couple many opportunities to join together and pray —when they had a problem they couldn’t solve, when they were angry with each other, when they faced financial stresses, or when Charlie wanted to go one direction and Martha in another.

“Another thing that helped their prayer life and brought a closer spiritual bond was their weekly drive. Almost every week, Charlie and Martha would leave the kids with their grandparents or a sitter for an hour or two so they could take a drive together. They’d take along a Bible, and the spouse who wasn’t driving would read aloud from a passage they were studying. Then they would talk, share prayer concerns, and pray silently.

“They found other ways to share God’s Word together. Sometimes they chose one verse of the Bible as their verse for the day and ‘wrote it on their hearts’ in the morning. That night before going to bed, they told each other what their verse was and what it meant to them. In 48 years of marriage they read through the Bible 22 times, discussing their questions and insights along the way.

“As the Shedds grew in their marriage and in Christ, Martha’s self-consciousness gradually melted away, and they were able to pray aloud together. Like all of us, at times they had needs that they didn’t know how to verbalize —so they would go back to praying together silently. But whether praying aloud or silently they treasured their prayer times together and the ‘soul harmony’ that resulted.

“Couples around them were so struck by the happiness in the Shedds’ marriage that they asked if Charlie and Martha could help them deal with their problems and develop better marriages. And so began their marriage ministry, which eventually blessed thousands and thousands of families around the world.

“Here are some PRAYER EXERCISES for silent moments together:

• “Find a few quiet moments together when you can be alone. Sit knee-to-knee and express your most pressing concerns or needs to your spouse. Then hold hands and pray silently for each other’s burden. Conclude by reading a psalm together or praying the Lord’s Prayer aloud. Inspired by the example of Charlie and Martha Shedd, here are some other things you might try to develop spiritual intimacy:

• “Take a drive or, when you travel together, devote the first half hour to the passenger reading aloud from Proverbs, Psalms, or another favorite book of the Bible.

• “Keep a One-Year Bible in your car for when you’re traveling or running errands together. Have the passenger read a portion of the day’s Scripture.

• “In your individual Bible reading, choose one verse as your verse for the day; write it out on a three-by-five-inch card, and meditate on it throughout the day. Then, before going to bed, share with your spouse what your verse was and what it meant to you.

• “Try a weekly ‘word focus.’ Think of one of the greatest needs in your marriage —maybe it’s patience or joy or servanthood or another quality. Look up the word in the dictionary, and then go to a concordance and find Bible verses on the subject. Choose one of those verses to focus on in the following week, and share with your spouse any way the verse touches your life or how it is becoming a part of you.

“The following week, choose a different need in your marriage and a word to reflect it. Continue this for a month, sharing your discoveries with each other and thanking God for what He is revealing to you.”

We hope the above ideas help you to better unite together in prayer. We have additional articles on our web site in the “Prayer” section.

Our love and prayers are with you,
Steve and Cindy Wright

Wow! As I read your letter, what came to mind is “control issues.” I don’t know if your husband is a real controller (which may be), or if you are bucking any type of “control” you perceive he is trying to exert over your life (which may be), or if it’s a little or a lot of both (which it may be).

But from what I perceive as I pray and read your letter, is that if you are going to resolve this situation, somehow you and your husband need to call a truce and figure out how to quit treating each other like you’re enemies and more like you’re marriage PARTNERS — which you vowed to be on your wedding day. It will take intentionality on both of your parts to do this.

It’s real easy in marriage, when we live together day in and day out, to get to a place where we start nit-picking at this and that, and position ourselves at opposite sides of every little issue, pointing fingers at the other – that THEY are the problem. (My husband and I have been there and have done that as well, and can easily get caught up in doing that again at any point if we aren’t careful, so please know that what you are going through is not uncommon).

The Bible says in James 4:1, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” Somehow, you both need to take the time to pray together and look within your OWN hearts and ask God to show you how you can work together to work through issues, not against each other to compound them and to break down any self-willfulness that is setting itself up against resolving your differences.

You might want to pray as the psalmist: “Search me O God and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24). “Who can discern my errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me” (Psalm 19:12-13). “Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a right spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10).

Experts in relationships are saying that those who have the strongest marriages are ones where there is “mutual support and willingness to sacrifice.” I want to add to that… grace — to give each other more grace. All of this sounds like it comes from the Bible, rather than secular “experts”, doesn’t it? And it does (even though the “experts” wouldn’t acknowledge it.) There needs to be more supporting and working together, rather than against each other, because THAT’S sure not getting you anywhere good.

And you both need to seek God’s wisdom on this. We’re told in James 3:17, “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” Is that the posture you and your husband are taking in these matters? Please look at each point and ask yourself if that’s your approach.

The Bible also tells husbands and wives in 1 Peter 3:8-9, “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

And that is what I… and especially GOD wants for you and your husband, and your children as well— a blessing. I’m sure your children are picking up on the tension that is going on between you. You are modeling marriage for them. Are you modeling the picture you would like them to see and live out in their own marriages someday (if they ever marry)?

“A good marriage doesn’t just happen! It takes a solid set of decisions, a huge amount of skill, and enormous willpower. I contend that people in extremely healthy marriages built those marriages just as you build a mammoth bridge or a skyscraper. They made their marriage triumphant because they simply wouldn’t settle for less. It doesn’t matter at all to them how much backbreaking work it requires; if it were necessary, they would do a thousand times more. Their willpower gives them this kind of toughness” (Dr Neil Clark Warren).

I hope you and your husband will exert the willpower and toughness it takes to turn this current rough spot around in your marriage. I encourage you to talk to your husband about this (but NOT at a time when you’re arguing). And don’t do it at a “H.A.L.T. Time” either. That’s a time when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant during those times.

As author Scott Stanley says about approaching during a vulnerable time,

“A number of studies demonstrate that we tend to give people more benefit of the doubt [and grace] when we’re in a good mood and less benefit of the doubt when in a bad mood [or one of the above factors is in play]. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive whatever your partner says or does more negatively, no matter how positive he or she is trying to be.”

So, the point is, to ask God to help you to discern when would be the best time to talk with your husband. You may still get a negative reaction from him, but there’s less of a chance of it if you pick a better time to make your approach.

Please know that we have a lot of tools on our web site in the “Communication Tools” section that can help you and your husband if you need to obtain some skill-building tools to help you resolve issues in a more peaceable manner, and articles on a variety of other topics as well if you need them.

I hope this helps in some way. No, I wasn’t able to give you a quick-fix solution, but rather I hope this inspires you to look at your “problems” more as character-building — marriage-building situations that once you have applied yourselves to work together, your relationship will be all the stronger as a husband and wife and as a family. I pray so.

And we pray so for each of you that read this Marriage Message — that along with God, you will victoriously persevere through every relationship barrier that comes your way within your marriage. God wants to work in and through you to display His grace and persevering love in ways that you never imagined. With God, you can do this.

Cindy and Steve Wright

“Do you believe your destiny is predetermined? Maybe you believe it is put in place by God (See: Jeremiah 29:11). I personally believe God has a perfect plan for us in all aspects of our life, but we have the power to mess up the plan as He allows our free will to be at work. I recently found a writing (author unknown) which I believe makes our part in defining our destiny clear.

Watch your thoughts, 
They define your words.
Watch your words,
They define your actions.
Watch your actions,
They define your habits,
Watch your habits,
They define your character.
Watch your character,
It defines your destiny.

“Now, let’s apply this to our relationships.

“First, THOUGHTS… Do you think positively about your mate or date? Or do you find yourself thinking about their faults more than their strengths?  Do you think about your relationship with commitment or as one that is on the brink of shattering with every upset?  Proverbs 23:7 KJV says, ‘As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.’ That makes it pretty clear that the destiny of our relationships begins with our thoughts.

“Now, what about the WORDS we speak?  Remember, they are defined by our thoughts. We have a choice of what we say and how we say it.  Proverbs 15:1-2 NIV says, ‘A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.’ It is clear that our words have a dramatic impact on the actions of our mate or date. Managing our tongue to speak truth with a soft tone produces the best result. Seldom are we forced to use angry words to accomplish our purpose.

“What about your ACTIONS?  So often we’d like to blame them on someone else such as our date or mate or even ‘the devil made me do it.’  Just like with our words and thoughts, our actions are made through our choice. Unfortunately, we may not stop to make a choice, but we react based on our emotions.

“It will be much easier to make a choice about our actions if we are managing our thoughts and words.  Psalm 1:1-2 gives us some insight as to how to do this. ‘Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.’

“Well, we’re getting closer to our destiny. Now we need to consider our HABITS. They are defined by our actions and are a matter of conditioning. I believe I’ve heard that repeating an action twenty-one times causes it to become a habit. Some of us may be more resistant to change so it may take 30, or 40, or 50 times. The key is that we are making a choice to change our habits.  Why? The reason is because it defines our character.

“What is CHARACTER? Well, it’s who you are. I’ve heard that it is what you do when no one is watching.  It’s who we are when all of the masks are removed and our vulnerabilities, as well as our strengths are seen by our mate or date. Hopefully, it is the greatest factor on which they make a decision about whether you are worthy of a relationship with them.  And let’s face it; it is defined by our thoughts, words, actions and our habits.

“Well, here we are at our DESTINY in relationships. What we want is to be happy, to be loving, to be committed, to be caring, to be empathetic, and to be emotionally healthy. The list goes on and on as we consider who we want to be to our self and others. We are forced to make choices which lead to a destiny in our relationships and the quality of our life.

“So, we reach the end; our destiny. It’s based on our choices and we are responsible for it. We can’t blame anyone else. But, now, we must go back to the beginning and start out again as life is constantly changing and we are presented with new choices. What a challenge it is!  But now we know how we got to where we are and how to get to a better place in our future.”

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

It is our prayer that you will consider the message that Don Bailey gave us and choose this day and for the rest of your lives to live by the values and guidelines God has given us throughout the Bible. And that you will live out the words Joshua proclaimed to those around him:

“Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness… Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve… But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD” (from Joshua 24:14-15).

May God bless your marriage abundantly,
Cindy and Steve Wright

The Bible warns us: “Do not be misled, ‘bad company corrupts good character.’ Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God — I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:33-34).

But then there is the friend who acts like Jesus with skin on, who loves us in the manner of Christ — who lives out the proverb “A friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). But lets take that a step further. What would you do about friends who see you doing something that’s hurting your marriage and they confront you on it? Would you embrace their motives and advice or would you push them away?

And what if you see your friend doing something harmful to their marriage, are YOU the type of friend that would keep quiet or would you confront them about it?

The Bible tells us that the “wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6). The footnote explanation for this verse in the New Life Application Bible says something worth thinking about on this matter. It reads:

“Who would prefer a friend’s wounds to an enemy’s kisses? It would be anyone who considers the source. A friend who has your best interests at heart may have to give you unpleasant advice at times, but you know it is for your own good. An enemy, by contrast, may whisper sweet words and happily send you on your way to ruin. We tend to hear what we want to hear, even if an enemy is the only one who will say it. A friend’s advice, no matter how painful, is much better.”

We live in a time where the world teaches us to mind our own business — especially when it concerns a matter that can be awkward, and yet, is that really the way God has called us to live? Minding our own business might save us discomfort — but is that what Jesus did? Did He go about His life minding His own business — hesitant to confront those who were living their lives contrary to how God would have them live?

As we read the Bible, we see that Jesus was quite confrontational with those who claimed to love God and yet lived their lives in contrary ways. And He told others to follow His example. We are challenging you to do the same, as the Lord has challenged us concerning our friendships as well. We also have an article posted in the “Assorted Marriage Problems” section which goes into depth further on this matter. It’s titled “Friendships and How They Influence a Marriage” and you might find it helpful.

Concerning this matter, we urge you not to stay silent when you see married friends who are not living out their marriage vows — honoring the Lord and their spouse with how they interact with them. We encourage you that if you witness this happening to your friends, to ask the Lord to show you how to lovingly confront them before any further damage is done to their marriage and the Lord’s testimony.

“See to it that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:12-13).

One of the definitions in the dictionary for the word “friend” is, “A person on the same side in a struggle — a supporter.” And that’s what we strive to be in the lives of those God brings across our paths; and that’s what we pray you will be for those around you. As born-again Believers in Christ, we’re on the same side in the struggle against that which is wrong. We’re not to be “nit-picky” about every little fault our friends have, but we also aren’t to stay silent about that which is blatantly wrong and harmful. We’re to poke holes in darkness even when it brings discomfort.

We need to speak up to confront those who profess to be Christians — those who are dishonoring each other in their marriages. The Christian marriage is to be a visible, living example of the love of Christ in action with how we interact with each other. And if each one of us takes this mission seriously, those who don’t know Christ will be able to see the love of God all the more clearly. As Bible teacher and historian Ray Vander Laan said,

“Our job is to live so publicly — so front and center, that as people see us, they see God. God puts us in the world so that as they see us they say, ‘Your God must be something else! I want to know Him as you do’.”

With this in mind, we’d like to share something written by Henry and Richard Blackaby. We pray that the Lord will speak to your hearts as He has ours on this subject of being a true friend to those around us. They write:

“We live in a world that teaches us to mind our own business. We try not to get involved in other people’s problems. We tell ourselves it’s not our place. This attitude is completely opposite to what the Bible teaches. As Christians, we’re called to become involved in the lives of others, especially when we see someone headed for trouble. It’s actually our responsibility, when we see a fellow believer drifting toward sin, to warn that person of the dangers ahead.

“Sometimes we’re reluctant to say anything to others because we don’t want to offend them. We don’t want to act ‘holier than thou.’ Besides, if we point out the sins of others, they might point back at us and begin naming our sins!

“So often we say nothing and think that’s the most Christian thing to do. James argues, however, that when we help someone avoid the danger of sin, we’re saving that person from death! We need to check to see what’s happening in the lives of people around us. If our friends keep falling into sin and we keep minding our own business, we have failed as a Christian friend.

“Is there someone you need lovingly to warn of the danger ahead? Take courage. Regardless of the response you receive, speak up before it’s too late. Do so out of genuine concern for the well-being of your friend.”

The Bible says, “Whoever turns a sinner from his error will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins” (James 5:20). The footnote explanation for this verse in the New Life Application Bible says this:

“Right living is the evidence and result of faith. The church must serve with compassion, speak lovingly and truthfully, live in obedience to God’s commands, and love one another. The body of believers ought to be an example of heaven on earth, drawing people to Christ through love for God and each other. If we truly believe God’s Word, we will live it day by day. God’s Word is not merely something we read or think about, but something we do. Belief, faith, and trust must have hands and feet — OURS!”

It’s our prayer that together we’ll make a positive difference in encouraging our friends and that we’ll “speak the truth in love” (as the Bible talks of) when it is needed. And as we do that, “we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work” (Ephesians 4:15-16). AMEN!

Steve and Cindy Wright

As author Dan Allendar says, “No matter how blissfully a marriage begins, all husbands and wives eventually fail each other. We are sinners saved by grace — and we need grace not only from God but also from one another” —which is true.

“In this life it’s guaranteed you will make mistakes, disappoint one another and make some poor decisions. This is especially true in our marriages. The only way to keep any relationship growing in the midst of our humanity is to forgive. The apostle Paul gave us a staggering challenge in the area of forgiveness: ‘Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you’ (Colossians 3:13).

“As beautiful as this sounds in Scripture, the concept of forgiveness gets rather complicated in every day life. When we are wronged, emotions run high. We may want to forgive, but feel incapable. Or we may think we have forgiven, only to catch ourselves stewing weeks or even years later. A few situations like this and we start to feel as though genuine forgiveness in marriage is an impossible feat” (Pam and Bill Farrell, from the Crosswalk.com article Give Your Spouse the Gift of Grace This Season).

In our humanness, we can often feel this way… but don’t give up.

“Sometimes in trying to forgive we put an intense but unnecessary burden on ourselves. I thought I could completely forgive right away. But I discovered that forgiveness is not a one-time act. It’s a process. While it begins with the decision to forgive, it often takes time before the heart fully accepts what the will has set in motion. How long it takes may depend on the severity of the pain. Forgiveness takes time, and we must give ourselves the grace that our healing requires as we put forgiveness in motion” (Linda W Rooks, from the book, “Broken Heart on Hold“).

If more bitterness wells up within you, then give it to God. And keep repeating the process (even “77 times” as Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:21-35) until you’re able to experience peace.

Sometimes it’s like peeling the layers of an onion slowly (sometimes it takes years). There is more underneath that will bring discomfort and tears, but that is all part of the process. Tears are cleansing (there are various studies which prove this to be true). It’s when we bury that which needs to be released — THAT’S when there is real trouble because bitterness turned inward is cancerous to our soul.

Also, keep in mind:

“When forgiveness is necessary, don’t wait too long. We must begin to forgive, because without forgiving, we choke off our own joy; we kill our own soul. People carrying hate and resentment can invest themselves so deeply in that resentment that they gradually define themselves in terms of it” (Lewis B Smedes, from book Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve).

Don’t you see this in people around you? I have, and it’s truly tragic! However:

“I have finally learned that one of the functions of marriage is for husbands and wives to express God’s grace to each other. Our marriages become reflections of our own personal relationships with Christ. Has God forgiven you of much, and set your feet on solid ground? Then men, realize that God expects active sacrifice as head of the home. Wives, appreciate the fact that your humble submission to your husband directly honors God.

“Every one of us needs forgiveness because we all make mistakes. What do we do when your husband is insensitive or unkind? Do you expect him to recognize that he has made a mistake and then wait for him to ask for forgiveness? If you do you’ll find two problems with that approach. First, in speaking for most men, we will only recognize about 25 per cent of our mistakes, at best. So, you’ll spend a long time waiting for an apology, or you’ll be disappointed most of the time.

“Second, and most importantly, your approach is not biblical. Has God only forgiven those sins that you have brought to His attention? Once we are justified, as Romans 4:5-8 tells us, God not only forgives our sins, but He also ‘counts them against us no more.’ He uses the Greek word ‘logizomai’, which means ‘no record.’ In other words, the record of wrongs is shredded.

“That is exactly what we must do. We recognize the sin or injustice, but we choose not to save it to our archives for later use. We must develop a habit of thought that forgives the wrongs then deletes the memory of that wrong before a seed of bitterness can destroy many.

“Why is it so hard to develop an attitude of forgiveness? Satan preys on our sinful pride that manifests itself in the form of a reluctance and inability to readily forgive, so he magnifies the injury and constantly reminds us of the injustice in an effort to encourage us to either seek vengeance or vindication.

“God, however, is responsible for dealing with both those issues, so if we truly trust in God and don’t lean on our own understanding, we will know that His perfect justice will prevail. We won’t need to keep a record of wrongs, nor will we need to refer to our lists of rights as a means of preventing future injury.

“What is truly exciting is that God has not only given us motivation to forgive others, but He has also promised to provide a blessing which is in direct proportion to the severity of the hurt we have forgiven. Jesus told us that if we don’t forgive, we will not be forgiven, and He has promised that those who show mercy will receive mercy. I know I certainly want mercy, not His justice” (Stu Lindner from Crosswalk.com article Forgiveness)

How about you?

“When others (including our spouse) hurts us in ways we don’t deserve, at some point we will come to the crossroads of decision. We will have to look our pain square in the face and ask, ‘Am I going to hang on to my anger and do violence to myself, or am I going to forgive those who have wounded me? Am I going to allow bitterness to poison and putrefy my soul, or am I going to invite God to empower me to let the anger go?’” (Pam Vredevelt, from the book The Wounded Woman: Hope and Healing for Those Who Hurt)

But what if your spouse is not sorry for what he/she has done… do you still need to work on forgiving him or her? Keep in mind, that God put forth the effort and reached out to forgive us for our sin (by the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross for us), “while we were yet sinners.” It’s up to us to accept it, for forgiveness to have its full effect.

But that doesn’t minimize the fact that it was offered just the same — whether we accept it or not. Even while the soldiers, who were crucifying Jesus, were full of pride and were jeering and condemning Him, Jesus prayed for them and offered forgiveness, praying that God would “forgive them because they knew not what they were doing.” I’m not sure if they ever made the effort to receive what He offered, but the gift was available just the same.

And God wants us to do the same. We are to release ourselves from the bitterness and do our part in the forgiveness equation. By doing that, we are reaching for freedom. It’s about agape love that we have received from God and agape love that we are to give out, which helps us to live a more abundant life. What your spouse does with the gift you are giving, is between him/her and God, once you take your hands off of the situation.

And if he/she spits forth words of scorn, then you are in good company, because that is what happened to Jesus (and still happens over and over again to Him in this world).

We’ve also been asked another question many times: How do you trust your spouse again after being betrayed by him or her? As far as we can see, there is a difference between the action of forgiving a spouse because God tells us this is necessary (especially to release us from the prison of bitterness) and the action of trusting that spouse. Both are entirely different steps. Extending forgiveness is not to be dependent upon the actions of your spouse for you to release him or her in your heart and give him or her to God so HE alone is their judge. In doing that, you become free in your heart and emotions for God to help you to heal.

If your spouse doesn’t accept it or do anything to deserve it, that is something between him or her and God. But on your part, you are released from the additional future pain that comes with nursing, rehearsing, and allowing that pain to keep inflicting you as you hold onto it.

A possible second step is building trust once again. Trust is something that your spouse must participate in to help you to be able to embrace again, if it is to happen. It’s something you would benefit from if you participate with your spouse to allow it to rebuild IF your spouse is repentant and sincere and honest in working toward that goal. But please recognize that the Bible doesn’t tell you that you must trust your spouse again… just that you must not allow bitterness to take root. (See Hebrews 12:15.)

Unforgiveness robs you of peace and continues to steal from you in various ways. Don’t give the enemy of your faith that empowerment. Go with God on this. Release bitterness and forgive in your heart and actions— I’m not saying condone or enable… but free yourself from holding onto unforgiveness. It may be a long painful journey to get to that place… but it is worth every step. I hope you will (if you haven’t already). The freedom you can experience in your heart is empowering and truly a gift from God that keeps on giving.

“Make forgiveness a habit that you’re always willing to practice with God’s help. Forgive your mate not just for big issues, but also for small things like irritating behavior that can drive a wedge between you. Take every thought captive by praying for the Holy Spirit to renew your mind and bring your thoughts into conformity with biblical truths. Remember how lavishly God has forgiven you, and know that the ways you should forgive your spouse — even for major issues — pale in comparison to what Christ has done for you. (Ed Young, from article Follow the 10 Commandments of Marriage)

Ask God to help you with this mission. It’s a gift you give to God, which will benefit you in the long-run. Consider this:

“One man gave his wife a new watch with a note, ‘It’s ‘time’ that I tell you how sorry I am.’ A mother gave her prodigal child a broom with the verse, ‘I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist…’ (Isaiah 44:22). I forgive you; I love you; I am so glad God gave you to be my child.’ Now it’s your turn. What gift of Grace can you bestow?” (Pam and Bill Farrel from Crosswalk.com article Give Your Spouse the Gift of Grace This Season)

Our love is with you as together we give each other the grace and forgiveness God has given us,
Cindy and Steve Wright

In thinking about this, we’re reminded of the scripture that says, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom” (Song of Songs 2:15). These “foxes” are those things that can disturb a relationship to the point where the root system is too trampled upon to grow any further and so it shrivels and instead dies.

There are many of these “foxes” that can destroy. Two of them that come immediately to mind is the computer and cell phones. We love the positive ways in which they help us communicate, but they can sure undermine and destroy marriages.

When a person spends so much time on the computer that it robs their spouse and family of time they need together… the computer time is a “little fox”. Are you giving this disruptor more time than you should? And what about television… is that a little fox that you’re spending too much time with, so that you are neglecting that which should be more important to you? We’ve had to battle this one at times in our own marriage and have had to make necessary adjustments when needed. How about you?

And when a husband (or wife) uses their computer to look at unclothed images of people other than their spouse, that is more of a big wolf than just a little fox. A good vow to make is, “I will set before my eyes no vile thing” (Psalm 101:3). Isn’t that a vow God would ask of a spouse to save their marriage? “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes (or marriage) being burned?” The answer is no. Jesus said, “I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

This same principle applies to chat rooms as well. Adultery of the heart and emotions is still adultery — even if your spouse cheats… it doesn’t justify cheating on your part. Stay away and “flee” (as the Bible exhorts) from places of temptation. Chat rooms are a great vehicle which the enemy of our faith uses to end marriages. Over and over again, we hear from those who start out “innocently” chatting — even those who are trying to “help” someone of the opposite sex with a problem, only to end up giving their heart to them as well.

And what about cell phones? When a spouse hides his or her cell phone from their spouse, trying to block them from seeing certain calls they are making or receiving (by leaving the room so the other spouse doesn’t know who’s calling) WATCH OUT!!! That is a form of cheating. If you have nothing to hide, you will hide nothing. And marriage isn’t about hiding, but rather uniting and “cleaving” as God tells us. Secret calls separate and shows a lack of trustworthiness!…

“Being trustworthy means building transparency into the relationship, says Willard F Harley Jr., founder of Marriage Builders and author of several books about preventing affairs, including ‘Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage From Habits That Destroy Romantic Love.’ ‘There are many steps couples can take to shield their marriage from secrecy and infidelity, Mr Harley told me recently. For instance, couples should have each other’s cell phone and e-mail information ‘at their disposal.’

“If there already has been an infidelity problem, a couple should review e-mails together before erasing them, he said. ‘Trust, to me, is earned, not assumed.’” (Cheryl Wetzstein from the article “The Best Spouse Will Take the Kitchen Sink Back” Washington Times, July 26, 2009)

In the above mentioned newspaper article, Cheryl writes what Louisiana State University professor Loren Marks shares with his students concerning trustworthiness. She writes:

“‘About five years ago,’ he said, ‘I came home from work, and my wife said, ‘I need to run to K-mart.’ And I said, ‘Well, when we talked at lunch on the phone today, you said you had already gone there this morning.’ And she said, ‘I did, but when I got home, I realized the cashier hadn’t charged me for this $52 sink fixture that I’d bought.’

“And so she ran out the door, went to K-Mart, went to the customer-service line and they didn’t quite know what to do with her. Apparently that’s not a problem they have very often —someone coming back, complaining that they weren’t charged.

“And she said, ‘Well why don’t I go through the line as if I’m going through the first time, and that way you guys can get your money, and I have a clear conscience, and we can both go on happy.’ And they said, ‘Fine.’

“And I tell the students, ‘That’s my love story.’ And they look at me with amused and puzzled eyes. And I say, ‘Let me explain. None of you in here know my wife, but let me ask you a question. How much sleep do you think I lose at night wondering whether my wife is being faithful to me or not?’ And After some thought, someone will say, ‘None.’ And I’ll say, ‘That’s right, but why?’ ‘Well, you know, she took the sink back,’ they will say. And I’ll say, ‘That’s right. And if I can give you a piece of advice based on what I’ve seen personally and professionally, it would be to marry someone who will take the sink back. And, to work toward being the kind of person who will take the sink back.”

A person who takes “the sink back” is a person of integrity. If you are not yet married, we pray you will marry a person of integrity who will hold to these high standards all the days of their life.

“Integrity has been defined as ‘who you are when no one is looking.’ A person of integrity is convinced that the unrelenting pursuit toward wholeness and godliness is more valuable than fairness. Integrity has nothing to do with how the other person’s behaving. It’s doing what is consistent with the person you want to be regardless of the external environment. And serenity of spirit cannot be achieved until we accept full responsibility for our own actions and feelings rather than letting our spouse’s behavior determine how we behave” (from the book “Authentic Marriages” by Jeff and Lora Helton).

A person of integrity does not play in secrecy with “little foxes” that will try to sneak problems into his or her life. We encourage you to work to be that type of spouse — even if your spouse is not. Please do not entertain the enemy of our faith any further than possible. Lets strive together to poke holes in the darkness, instead of contributing energy to it.

May God bless you as you strive to be a spouse of integrity, trustworthiness and faithfulness,
Cindy and Steve Wright

“An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins”
(Proverbs 29:22).

Since the above warnings come from the Bible, does that mean God expects us to stuff in the anger we feel for one another rather than expressing it? Does it mean that we are fools if we let our spouse know how angry we are at him or her? No… it means that we need to be careful of the way and the timing in which we vent it.

“Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (Proverbs 29:20). Giving full vent to our anger in haste (without considering the consequences or the end result) is what makes us a fool and leads us to sin. “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions” (Proverbs 18:2).

Expressing our concerns can actually be helpful and can result in eventually drawing us closer together. But it can also backfire on us if we’re not careful in how we let it be known.

“A couple’s mindset about conflict and how they resolve it is the single most significant predictor of whether or not a marriage can thrive. What couples often don’t understand about conflict is that it’s not about having the last word. It’s about taking the time to understand where the other person is coming from and the willingness to deal with the issues at hand in a constructive way” (Janet Bales).

To explain a bit more on this subject we’d like to share something written by Julie Baumgardner featured in the Chattanooga Times Free Press several years ago. The article titled “Anger in Marriage” reads:

Mark and Lori Kuebler were planning to redecorate their home, but they didn’t agree on how to accomplish the task. At one point Lori made a suggestion. Mark responded by looking at her, laughing and saying, “Are you serious?” What started out as a small disagreement quickly escalated into a blow out. “My feelings were hurt and I felt belittled” said Mrs Kuebler. “We ended up not speaking to each other for several days.”

For “20 years, I’ve worked with thousands of people to help them learn how to appropriately deal with their anger,” said Paul Hegstrom, Ph.D. Founder of Life Skills International, which was developed to teach hurting people the skills they should have learned in a balanced loving home. All of us have experienced the emotion of anger. Because most people have never been taught how to deal with anger constructively, people are often confused about what to do with their anger.

“According to the many of the latest movies, if a person is angry the appropriate response is to seek revenge, which usually equates to violence.

Interestingly, research validates that 96-98 per cent of what people get angry about is rooted in childhood. “When people have been wounded they tend to gravitate toward and marry a person that they believe can fulfill the losses in their childhood,” said Dr Hegstrom.

“For instance, a woman who grew up without a father might gravitate toward someone older and seemingly wiser whom she believes can help fill the void she’s feeling. Or a man who was never listened to as a child might choose a mate that appears to be a good listener.

“When their mate innocently does something to trigger emotions about those childhood losses, instead of understanding what’s at the heart of their anger they become angry at their mate. For example, a wife becomes angry with her husband for arriving home 30 minutes late. She’s irate and he doesn’t understand why this is such a big deal.

“Looking back at this lady’s childhood we find out that her parents divorced because her father was having an affair and would frequently come in late. Her anger stems from fear that her husband might do the same thing to her BUT this is never discussed. Anger is always a secondary reaction to a primary feeling.”

In order to get control over anger, Dr Hegstrom encourages individuals to identify how their parents and grandparents handled anger. What kind of losses did you experience during childhood? The next step is to identify what anger is and where it’s coming from. Is it rooted in feelings of hurt, invalidation, frustration, fear, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, inadequacy, guilt, etc? These are trigger points.

Once a person knows their trigger points, instead of always reacting with anger they can step back, take a time out and say, “This is how I responded to what you said. Is that what you meant? When couples stop to discuss the little things, they are resolving conflict versus just reacting.

“When individuals begin with childhood issues they begin to grow and heal in these areas,” said Dr Hegstrom. “This process takes time. Many couples expect too much, too quick without any work. The value of a relationship is always greater than the conflict of the moment. If a person is teachable the issues are fixable.”

A couple of weeks ago the Kueblers went on a trip with some friends. Mark and Lori ended up having a disagreement. The kids went swimming and Mark and Lori stayed in the room. After a period of silence both of them looked at each other and said, “We need to settle this and move on. We actually talked without raising our voices and without getting angry,” said Mrs. Kuebler.

“Once you realize you’ve come to that point where you can talk without yelling at each other it feels so good. When you’re yelling you’re not going to get anything settled, you’re just going to make yourself even angrier. When you recognize ‘we need to do things differently’ you realize you’ve accomplished something in your marriage.”

You may think it’s too much of a hassle to LEARN how to resolve conflict the way marriage educators recommend. It seems awkward and “unnatural” to argue in such a manner. But we want to ask you, how is it working for you the way you’ve handled arguments with each other up to this point? Are you satisfied with the way you’re resolving your conflicts?

Remember, we’re told in the Bible that we’re to treat each other as more important than ourselves. Are you doing that? Does your spouse feel heard and understood by the way you express yourself? “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless” (James 1:26).

Gandhi once said, “My life is my message.” How much more this should be true for those of us who are Christ followers! What message are you giving out in the way you’re relating to your spouse? Are you communicating the gospel with and without words in the way you are handling your end of the conflicts you are having with your spouse?

If not, pray about what you can do about it so that you “do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).

Keep in mind that we have many articles and tools posted on our web site — particularly in the Communication sections, to help you in this mission.

Cindy and Steve Wright

We sometimes forget in the “everydayness” of life that God cares more about our character than He does about our comfort. And as we marry, we’ll continually find areas of our lives together that God wants to teach us about what it means to love someone sacrificially. Our marriages are to be visible pictures of Christ’s sacrificial love for His church. And in order to do that, we must “die to self” everyday of our lives so Christ may live in and through us.

With that said, we’d like to share excerpts from an article written by Tracy Munsil which was featured in the Arizona Citizen Magazine in March of last year because of the richness of the wisdom that was given through Travis Turner. In it he talks of the fact that “Good Marriages Don’t Just Happen.” The article goes on to say:

One starting point in a good marriage is spending time together, said Turner. That sounds simple enough—a date night here and there, an occasional movie. But by that he means at least 30 minutes a day, giving undivided attention to your spouse, just to maintain your marriage relationship.

More time is needed if you’re in the process of building or repairing your marriage. ”It has to be prioritized and specific,” explains Turner. ”If it’s not, you just won’t get the time you need ‘That means scheduled time with the TV turned off, the kids in bed, no telephone, all distractions eliminated—one-on-one time of real communication with your spouse.”

“It’s very difficult to do in our culture. Yet, if we don’t spend the time growing and cultivating the marriage, it causes disharmony and hurt. All of us are changing and we need to take the time (and MAKE the time) to grow together. If we don’t get that time, we pay a huge price. We lose connection” with our spouse, he said.

Turner, a former football quarterback for the University of Nebraska, has been involved in the Life Partners ministry with his wife Carol for 13 years, after problems in their marriage surfaced while he was serving full-time in pastoral ministry. He finds that one of the pitfalls common to Christian marriages is husbands and wives confusing spiritual “busyness” with genuine spirituality.

“We spend a lot of time doing, rather than being like Christ,” he said. “We go to church, and do this and do that in ministry, and try to measure our spirituality by those things, rather than allowing the fruits of the Spirit be the evidence of our spirituality.”

“Our marriage becomes a byproduct of what’s going on in our lives spiritually,” he said. “If we experience joy in our spiritual life, we’ll see joy in our marriage. Too often we’re busy doing spiritual things, but we don’t experience a spirit of contentment over our role in God’s economy, in what God has called us to do.”

In addition to spending scheduled, uninterrupted time together daily, Turner offers advice specific to husbands and wives. First, he suggests that husbands get in the habit of praising their wives on an ongoing, daily basis. “Men need to learn to recognize positive character traits on a regular basis and to learn to build up their wives. We need to tell them how valuable and special they are,” he said. “We need to make our wives feel appreciated and confident, like Christ would do. But are we willing to sacrifice the time, thought and effort it takes to do this?”

As for the wife, according to Turner, she needs to be honest with her husband, and tell him how he’s affecting her and the kids. “This is very difficult for the wife to do. She has to be willing to risk herself with her husband, giving input about his diet, about his tone of voice with the kids, about his pace of life or work habits, about everything,” he explained. [We want to add a note that seems appropriate here. It's important for the wife to realize that she's not just to give input in any old manner possible, but to give it in a Christ-honoring "husband-honoring" way.

The Bible tells us to "speak the truth in love." It also says that "a soft answer turns away wrath" and this is especially true when discussing something that could be interpreted as "nagging." Don't just blurt out what's on your mind—be careful and prayerful in how you deliver it so it can be received as graciously as it's given.]

Travis goes on to say, “Only the wife can say, ‘I would rather live with less finances and more of you.’ That’s really hard to do and I don’t envy having to be a wife.” Turner suggests that the husband can make his wife’s job easier by being willing to hear what she has to say. “I can make it easier for my wife if I’m concerned about my attitudes, about being Christ like and being teachable, than getting defensive,” he said.

Turner argues that an equally serious threat in the Christian community as legal divorce is “emotional divorce” which happens when the spouses in a marriage are disconnected from one another. “Their marriage looks real good from the outside, because they’re no longer affecting each other,” he explained. “You don’t know what their marriage relationship is like until you get real close.”

But the warning signs are clear, including putting personal activities, friends or church involvement before the needs of the spouse. When in a state of emotional divorce, couples experience a significant distance between them that undermines the closeness of their relationship. At the point of emotional divorce, the couple needs to recognize their situation and begin taking steps to renew closeness and connection in their relationship.

Travis made an excellent point when he talked about  taking the time to communicate, giving each other our undivided attention. It has to be “prioritized and specific” as he points out. We need to be pro-active in making the time to build one another up.

We made the time to communicate with each other in relationship building ways before marriage (or we wouldn’t have fallen in love and gotten married in the first place) and now we need to make the time to communicate everyday so we continue to grow together in this ever changing world we live in.

The enemy of our faith is a stealer and a robber. If he can get us so busy that we’re side-tracked from spending specific relationship-building time with each other, he’s succeeded in robbing us from having the loving relationship God wants us to have. We need to “be still” and let God be Lord of our time and energies so we’re not robbing our marriage of the time that we need to invest into it. If we do so, He will guide us so we lovingly build each other up instead of tearing each other down.

If you find yourselves “emotionally divorced” in how you communicate with each other ask God for the wisdom and insight you need to turn this situation around. As promised in the Bible, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5)

In closing, you may want to check out the web site for the Life Partners ministry. They have some interesting testimonies and resources that you may find helpful. Their web site is www.lifepartners.org

We pray that together, because of Christ, we will grow up together in Him, so our marriages truly reflect the love of God to everyone we’re with.

Steve and Cindy Wright

It’s ironic that this happened to us, because before we married we thought our love was “different” than others — that we “had it together” because we appeared to be on the same wave-length so much of the time. We were completely naive to the way life can slide even the most loving couples apart. As a result we almost killed our marriage with our immature, self-centered approaches in dealing with the many challenges that came our way.

Eventually, the Lord revealed that what appeared to be a “natural” way to deal with conflict was actually killing our relationship. The Bible says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12). And for us, it was almost the death of our marriage.

For most individuals, when we don’t feel understood and when bitterness starts seeping into our marital relationship we attack each other as enemies, that’s when it can be important to “unlearn” our caustic behaviors and reach out to “learn” new ways of communicating. And it isn’t a “once for all” type of education, because we’ve personally found, that even though we know how to resolve conflict in healthy ways, we can still fall into old traps of behavior.

Unlike the few resources we had available to help us in our earlier years of marriage, today, couples have an abundant amount of helpful resources available (such as the ones we have on our web site).  You have more opportunities unlearn and then learn what is needed to improve your marriage than ever before in the history of man.

It’s a crying shame to allow unnecessary pain to stay within your relationship (and to allow your children to be bruised emotionally as they watch you fight with each other in unhealthy ways). We plead with you to make it the mission of your marriage to work together to make your marriage a reflection of the heart of Christ — one that is healthy, connected and loving!

Below is an article titled “Irreconcilable Differences” written by Julie Baumgardner (featured in the Chattanooga Times Free Press several years ago) that you may find helpful in this mission. It reads:

“An irreconcilable difference is the excuse many couples use for divorcing. Mark and Lori Kuebler found that they had more differences than things in common. They could have easily used irreconcilable differences as grounds for ending their marriage. Instead, they chose to take what was working against their marriage and make it work for their marriage. ‘It almost became a game to see who could have the last word or end up being right,’ said Mrs Kuebler about their relationship, which was on the brink of divorce.

“‘A couple’s mindset about conflict and  how they resolve it is the single most significant predictor of whether or not a marriage can thrive,’ said Janet Bales, Marriage Educator and Counselor. “What couples often don’t understand about conflict is that it’s not about having the last word. It’s about taking the time to understand where the other person’s coming from and the willingness to deal with the issues at hand in a constructive way.’

“According to the County Marriage Report, money is the number 1 area of conflict for couples followed by sex, children, in-laws and work. ‘Although most couples usually experience conflict in the same areas, the majority of conflicts aren’t always about the issues that are on the table,’ said Mrs. Bales. ‘It’s usually about deeper, hidden issues such as recognition, control, commitment, respect or integrity, and caring.’

“The way in which couples attempt to resolve conflict often is based on what they’ve learned growing up. Techniques, such as the silent treatment or running away, are ineffective and tend to create more conflict. Couples who recognize that they’ve learned poor techniques can become skillful by learning new, more effective methods which will allow them to resolve the conflict at hand and move on.

“Mrs. Bales works to help couples understand that conflict is about trying to get needs met. If you feel like you’re in constant conflict with your spouse she suggests the following:

• Both parties must agree to cool off and discuss the issue in a calmer manner.

• Make sure you’re at a safe place and have agreed upon rules that will provide the structure and safety to deal with these highly emotional issues. Deal with one issue at a time.

• Identify the issue that’s at the heart of the conflict, which means you have to be committed to listening to each other about the issue. This isn’t problem solving time—you’re LISTENING.

• Understand each other’s history about the issue. One couple argued constantly about their daughter getting her driver’s license. On the surface the issue was about the driver’s license. The deeper, hidden issue was that her father had been a policeman and insurance agent and was very concerned about the well being of his daughter.

• Finally, brainstorm ways to resolve the conflict. Don’t expect this process to happen overnight. Sometimes issues are truly irreconcilable and couples must agree to disagree.  Statistics show that 60 percent of arguments are unresolvable. It’s the way couples handle the disagreement that makes the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship.

“The Kuebler’s recognized that it’s about being a team. A true win/win means that their marriage is going to work because they’re focused on the good of the team and not individual gain.”

As we read the above article we thought, “How much more should we as born-again followers of Jesus Christ live within our marriages focused on the good of each other as a team rather than individual gain!” Let’s face it, how we live out our marital commitment to our spouse doesn’t affect just us, it also affects others around us and affects God’s kingdom.

Whether our spouse does what he or she should be doing, we should pay attention to how we act and react. We’re called to “Be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” (Ephesians 5:1)

It takes a real time of reckoning and allowing ourselves to be humbled to the point where we’re willing to admit we need help to unlearn a few things and then learn how to have healthy communication. The Bible says, “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice” (Proverbs 13:10). Don’t allow pride to stand in the way of doing what you should for the betterment of your marriage relationship. Please consider this advice if it applies to your marital life.

Our marriages are viewed as mission fields to each other first, and then to others as God brings them into our lives to witness the miracle of love that God can bring about through ordinary human beings and has available to all who call upon Him. May the Lord bless you in this effort!

Cindy and Steve Wright

We’re not entirely sure, but one thing we know — most couples don’t have a clue as to what they are facing when they get married. And even if a couple goes through good premarital counseling, the relationship can still explode. An illustration of this is can be found in the following true story titled “On Marriages” written by Julie Baumgardner, which was sent to us by Smart Marriages:

“Mark and Lore Kuebler know what it means to go through trials and tribulations in a marriage. Before reaching their first anniversary, they had separated twice. By their 3rd anniversary they would separate again and Lori would file for divorce. If you asked either of them to speculate on the longevity of their marriage, both of them would tell you there wasn’t much hope that their marriage would survive.

“‘We met at church and dated for eight months before we were married,’ said Lori Kuebler. ‘Mark had been married before and brought two boys, ten and six with him to the marriage. We went through premarital counseling and learned a lot of good skills. The only problem was, we didn’t put them into practice when the going got tough. Our first year of marriage was like a war zone.’

“Mark and Lori, along with thousands of other couples, learned pretty quickly that it takes more than being in love with someone to make a relationship work. It takes skills and the willingness to put those skills into practice in every aspect of the marriage.

“‘I think our biggest downfall was communication,’ said Mark Kuebler. ‘We argued about anything and everything. Both of us are very stubborn and hard headed. The environment was such that it was almost a contest to see who could have the last word when we argued. I think it was the fact that we never resolved any of our arguments that led to our third and final separation.’

“As a last resort, Mark and Lori decided to attend a marriage enrichment workshop hosted by Gary Smalley to see if they could glean anything to save their marriage. ‘To be perfectly honest, both of us were totally closed when we arrived at the conference,’ said Mark. ‘We were just going through the motions because we’d already paid for the tickets. We didn’t even stay for the whole thing. The following Monday I went to work and Lori called her dad and told him he needed to get over to the house with a truck because she couldn’t take it any more.’

“I knew divorce wasn’t the answer, but in my head I thought that might be the only way to deal with this situation,’ said Lori. ‘It was during this separation that I actually filed for divorce. My parents were shocked. Both of us come from homes with long-term married parents. My parents were supportive of me, but they both said, ‘Marriage is a struggle regardless and you can’t just say I don’t want to be married to this person anymore.’ To which I responded, ‘You don’t know what I have to live with here.’ Both of them encouraged me to seek help.

“Mark and Lori were both open to going to counseling. The only problem was neither of them was open at the same time. Later Mark said, ‘After Lori moved out, I began to remember some things that Gary Smalley talked about at the conference. Surprised that I actually recalled anything, I became convicted to work at our marriage and do everything possible to get Lori back.’

“After going to marriage counseling for a couple of months, Lori moved back home. Both Lori and Mark now recognize that they need to resolve their conflicts. For them, it doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong — they just need to get to the bottom of it and move on.

“‘It was hard for me to forget things that had happened,’ said Lori. ‘What I learned through counseling is that holding a grudge hurts you in the long run as well as the other person. When you have unforgiveness nobody wins.’ All couples experience moments of conflict and anger. According to marriage experts, too many marriages end before couples have the opportunity to experience forgiveness and reconciliation.”

What this article brings home to us is that you can know all the relationship skills in the world but it won’t help you in your marriage unless you actually put them into use. That seems like a simplistic concept but it’s true.

Also, there are other skills you can learn that can help you to overcome GREAT relationship obstacles, but you have to seek them out and then again apply using them in your marriage. The information is out there (we have a lot of it on our web site at www.marriagemissions.com, plus other web sites we point to), but you have to seek it. “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

This couple had attended premarital counseling — which is good. They loved each other — which is also good. They were spiritual people (especially good), and I’m sure they were nice to other people, but they stopped being nice to each other. They also didn’t apply the available wisdom and skills to help grow their marriage relationship to be a healthy one.

God tells us: “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins” (2 Peter 1:5-9).

Our prayer for you is that you won’t be blinded by that which doesn’t matter in the light of eternity. Don’t overlook your own sinful part in what is dividing you but instead EARNESTLY look for ways to build bridges between you rather than walls. You can’t do your spouse’s part, but you CAN participate with God in doing that all He shows YOU to do.

We encourage you to seek wisdom to work through your differences — forgiving each other as God forgives you. Apply Biblical principles for living, as the principles for loving your spouse as Christ loves you.

We are asking God to “fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God” (Colossians 1:9-10).

“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and perseverance” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
Cindy and Steve Wright

These are wonderful God-loving, intelligent couples where one partner (or both) decides to end their marriage, breaking their covenantal vows to love, honor, and pledge themselves in marriage to each other for the rest of their lives.

God knows that sometimes a spouse can’t prevent or stop a divorce from happening (particularly when dangerous abusive behavior is involved or the other spouse is bent on divorcing) but still, there are many more times when more can be done to work on and heal a relationship, and yet the additional effort and sacrifice isn’t made.

This is particularly sad when one spouse sincerely repents and wakes up to the harm he or she has caused in the marriage but the other spouse decides he or she is done with the marriage, no matter what!

Please understand, this Marriage Message is not meant to throw stones, because which of us is without sin? Not us, or anyone. This particular message is intended to be a wake-up call to those who profess Christ who can prevent a divorce from happening when it shouldn’t.

The ministry of Marriage Missions came into being 8 years ago because God put it on our hearts to spend our lives encouraging Christians to apply the principles of loving (that we see throughout the Bible) and reveal the heart of Christ in and through our marriages as a living testimony to the glory of God.

As we see all the divorcing going on, we keep asking ourselves— what is happening to “followers” of Jesus Christ? We seem to be walking the same execution line toward the death of our marital relationships as those who don’t profess faith in Jesus Christ. As a matter of fact, there are entire web sites dedicated to disproving God because those who call themselves Christians don’t live out what they say they believe.

One web site in particular tells people to “Notice the divorce rate among Christians.” They point out “the divorce rate is even higher for Christians than for those who don’t believe in God” (which is sadly true). Thus, they conclude by saying, “The reason for the higher divorce rate among Christians is easy to see: God is imaginary.” I cried as I read that because of the “ammunition” we give doubters as we live our lives contrary to God’s will.

The question is, what makes us any different from “those who are in the world?” Our understanding of what we’re to be as followers of Christ is that we’re to “be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children” to “live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2). By tearing apart our covenantal marital relationships and breaking our promises to Him and to each other, is this how we “imitate” God and give ourselves as a sacrifice to Him?

We’re also told in the Bible to be “like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:2-8)

By divorcing, is our attitude the same as Christ? Is this what Jesus would do? Jesus said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have love you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples if you love one another” (John 13:34-35). What love are we demonstrating to the world if the divorce rate within the church is even higher than the divorce rate among those who don’t have a personal relationship with Him?

“When all is said and done, a truly Christian home is by far the most powerful and persuasive evangelistic agency on earth. Without ever passing out a tract, preaching a sermon, or even saying a word, a Spirit-filled Christian home declares to all who come within reach that God will do for others what He has done for them, if they will only give Him a chance” (John Lavender).

We need to take it seriously that our lives are a letter written by God for the world to read — a visible picture of the love of Christ for His church. As it says in the Word of God, “You show that you are a letter from Christ, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts” (2 Corinthians 3:3). God has entrusted to us the privilege and responsibility to be His “living letters”.

A Christian marriage is a “visible picture” — a living example to the world, of the covenant God has with His people — of Christ’s love and relationship to His bride, the Church. The Bible refers to Christ as the Groom and the Church as His Bride.

So when we divorce, what does this say to the world of God’s promises to the Church of His love, faithfulness and devotion for them? And what example — what message are we giving out to others of the “transforming power” that God can perform in their lives and marriages, when we, ourselves, don’t even utilize that power? It’s a sad testimony, when our marriages are weak and unhealthy, not to mention all the divorcing that’s going on!

It’s our “mission” to help Christians see that marriage is at the heart of God’s message to the Church. It’s our deepest prayer that you’ll join us in this mission to build up and encourage each other in marriage so we reflect the love of God to a world that so desperately needs Him.

Find a marriage seminar or a marriage study series (whether CD’s, DVD’s, books and/or talking, encouraging and praying with each other) and consider having other couples join you to do this together to make more marriages stronger.

You can meet once a week, every other week, once a month or whatever you decide. The important thing is to take pro-active steps to help marriages become stronger and less vulnerable to destruction. There’s always room for improvement in every marriage, no matter what! Pray about what God would have you do to make marriage a “mission” — in your own marriage and to help other couples strengthen theirs as well.

God doesn’t just want our sacrifice to live out His principles as He calls us; He wants our obedience. (See 1 Samuel 15:22, Psalm 51:16-17, and Proverbs 21:3.) As someone told us yesterday, “Christians are educated way beyond obedience.” Living in a marriage where there’s no love and devotion can be a sacrifice, but loving as Christ does, takes obedience!

We pray you’ll join us to work together to obediently make our marriages the best they can be by demonstrating the love of Christ, not only to your spouse, but to everyone who is a witness to your life!

Cindy and Steve Wright

How many times have you heard (or said) similar statements to these:

“Well, he (or she) should know how I feel about _____ and how it would upset me.”

“He (or she) has eyes and must see I could use help… why do I have to ask for it? No one would have to ask me!”

“If I have to ask for _____, why bother? Do I have to spell out everything I need from him (or her)?”

Do any of the above statements and questions sound familiar? In our 37 plus years of marriage, we’ve foolishly used them all, plus a few more. Through experience though, we’ve learned that “when mind reading is taken out of the marriage as an expected form of communication, husbands and wives and families can be spared a multitude of unnecessary frustration.”

In the Bible God tells us, “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures. A wise man has great power and a man of knowledge increases strength; for waging war you need guidance, and for victory many advisers.” (Proverbs 24:3-6).

So to help us to wage a victorious “war” against miscommunication, we’d like to share a few simple communication tools from some gifted advisers.

One idea comes from Dr Steve Stephens:

“‘Often when we get flustered, we don’t listen to each other,’ Stephens said. ‘And then even when we start to listen we interrupt the other person. ‘He suggests that couples flip a coin to determine who will talk first. The winner of the coin toss then has three minutes to talk without being interrupted by the other person. At the end of those three minutes, the other person has three minutes of uninterrupted time to respond.’” (From article “Fight Fair in Marriage” posted at CBN.com)

Another communication tool comes from Smart Marriages.com. A woman explained the following technique which helped her and her husband “when faced with daily decisions like: ‘Would you like to watch a movie?’ or, ‘Should we have my parents over Thursday?’ etc.” She explained:

“Sometimes it can be difficult to determine exactly how the other person really feels based on his/her response.’ So to take the mystery and guesswork out of the decision-making equation, we quantify our feelings about a particular proposal by ‘doing the numbers.’ Here’s how it works:

• “Formulate and state the question by saying, ‘How much would you like ____?’ and then end it with a statement of action like ‘to watch a movie? – or – ‘to have my parents over Thursday?’

• “Pause a moment to come up with a number between 1 and 10 that quantifies your feelings about the activity under consideration. Zero means that under no circumstances do you want to do it. Ten means you definitely want to do it. Five means you’re completely neutral.

• “When both spouses have a number in mind, count out loud to 3 and then state your respective numbers.

• “If the total of your numbers is 11 or greater, then do the activity. If the total of your numbers is 10 or less, then don’t do the activity.

“With this system you don’t end up doing things that neither of you really cares to do, nor does the more forceful personality inadvertently impose his or her will on the more reticent or easygoing spouse. Because you know that 11 is the cut-off and you share your numbers together at the same time, it’s possible to express an honest assessment of how much or little you want to do something without there being as much pressure — plus, it’s an easy enough tool for anyone to use. You can even have an index card on your refrigerator that outlines these basic steps so it’s handy to pull out and use whenever needed.”

Here’s another quick and simple idea:

“Choosing a restaurant can be a source of frustration for many couples. How often has this conversation played out at your house: ‘Where do you want to go?’ ‘I don’t know, where do you want to go?’

“Next time you find yourselves at a stalemate, try this method: If your spouse asks where you’d like to eat, you must give three options. He may either select one of the three or ask if you’re willing to reverse roles.

“If you agree to switch roles, you must list three options from which he can choose. Or if you don’t agree, he must choose from the original three.” (Tom Kennedy, from the Marriage Connection, a free weekly newsletter for Marriage Partnership Magazine)

Sandra Aldrich’s book Men Read Newspapers Not Minds (which is now out of print) gives another Communication Tool you could use. It’s called a “Creative Number Technique.” She wrote:

“While trying to make a decision as to whether to attend a family event my friend’s husband’s gentle resignation caught her attention. As she pondered the dilemma, she turned the invitation over and drew a chart — 5 squares in a row, numbered 1-5. She labeled each square in a row from 1-5. Then she labeled each square:

1. I really don’t want to do this.
2. I don’t want to do this, but I’m willing to talk about it.
3. I don’t care one way or another.
4. I’d like to do this, but I won’t die if we don’t.
5. Yes, this is very, very important to me.”

This lady’s husband surprised her with how strong he felt on the issue because he didn’t appear to have such strong feelings on the matter. After discussing the subject further, they came up with a plan that made them both agreeably happy with the decision. And as Sandra shares, “That good bonding time would never have happened if she hadn’t come up with a better way to communicate with her husband.”

This simple tool can also be written on an index card and put somewhere close for handy reference at the appropriate time.

Another communication tip you might use:

“Make a deal with your spouse that when you resolve the conflict, you will do something together that you both enjoy. This could be going out to dinner, watching a movie, or anything else that will motivate you to find a resolution quickly and then reconnect to each other in a loving way. ‘It just makes it a positive thing, because a lot of times arguments can go on forever and ever,’ Dr Steve Stephens said. ‘This way, you get a resolution and then just move on.’” (From article “Fight Fair in Marriage” posted at CBN.com)

If you want more tips like these you can find them on our web site in the “Communication Tools” section. Also, if you have a communication technique that you’ve found beneficial in your marriage, we hope you will post it on our web site to help others. It’s important to live, learn and pass it along so the positive ripple effect can multiply in its benefits.

“Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor” (John 4:38).

The Bible tells us, “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice” (Proverbs 13:10). We pray the above tools will help you (and us) to leave pride behind and truly work toward approaching communication wisely.

Cindy and Steve Wright

There are even rules in our homes… imagine living in a home where anything goes as to the way everyone conducts themselves. What potential chaos!

Rules can protect us from ourselves and our natural inclination to do that which will cause the destruction of a family or a marriage. But why do we hesitate to put rules or guidelines into place to help us slow our tempers down so we resolve conflict in healthier ways — ways that reflect God’s heart? After-all, we’re told in the Bible:

“Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:30-32).

You HAVE to know that God’s heart is grieving when you fight with each other in ways that are so divisive and ungodly — let alone the horrible testimony that is being lived out as the world looks on. As Jesus said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35).

We urge you to PLEASE make it your mission today to do all you can to learn how to resolve your conflicts in healthy ways. Put together whatever rules and guidelines you can to help. Tape them on the refrigerator, a mirror, a wall, or wherever, until they are ingrained in the way you treat each other when you work out your conflicts with each other.

To help you in this quest, below you will find several guidelines for resolving conflict which you can glean through to compose your own list of guidelines, rules or commandments of the home —whatever you would like to call them. Plus we have articles posted on our web site in the “Communication and Conflict” and “Communication Tools” sections. We pray these will help:

GUIDELINES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICT

• “Discuss the Conflict as soon as possible. The old proverb, ‘time heals all wounds’ does not apply to conflicts in marriage. But the modern-day saying, ‘timing is everything’ does. When an irritating issue is unresolved, it builds emotional distance between you and your spouse. And just like a splinter, the issue gets under your skin and continues to fester until it is dealt with.

“When your spouse’s behavior bothers you, make a decision to confront your mate as soon as possible. If the issue needs your undivided attention, choose a time when no one else is around — even if you have to ask for a few minutes alone together.” (Simon Presland, from the article “How to Fight Fair”)

• “Take it Private and Keep it Private. Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don’t have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.” (Dr Phil McGraw, “How to Fight Fair”)

• “Avoid Personal Insults or Character Assassination. ‘Attacking your mate’s character is the best way to make an enemy for life’, says Pastor Luke. ‘To avoid this, it is important to see the issue as the problem —not your spouse. This is how God deals with us. He tells us of his infinite acceptance, yet confronts us on issues that do not line up with his word.’

“Stay focused on the issue at hand. This will help you remain objective and express your thoughts clearly without alienating your spouse through personal attacks.” (Simon Presland, “How to Fight Fair”)

“Remind the people… to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men” (Titus 3:2).

“If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Galatians 5:15).

• Sometimes it’s Best to Take a “Time Out.” “Agree ahead of time to allow for a temporary ‘time out’ if either of you becomes too angry to continue.” (Mart DeHaan, from article “Rules for Fair Fighting”)

“Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32).

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11).

• “Keep it Relevant. Don’t bring up old grudges or sore points when they don’t belong in a particular argument.” (Dr Phil McGraw, “How to Fight Fair”)

“In many marriages, confronting an issue is the gunpowder that ignites World War 3. Defenses kick in. Accusations fly. And by the time the smoke has cleared, spouses have bombed each other with everything that has happened since the day they were married.

“When you decide to face an issue, don’t allow yourself — or your mate — to drag in past hurts. Deal with one issue at a time. Make a rule between yourselves that if neither is willing to discuss a sore point as soon as it happens, then the issue cannot be used as ammunition for future fights.” (Simon Presland, from article “How to Fight Fair”)

• Build Relationship Bridges, Not Walls. “The goal of any disagreement should be to understand each other’s feelings and strive toward an amiable compromise. With that goal in mind, let’s consider … Below-the-belt Tactics to Avoid:

1. Dragging others into the argument (’Well, my mom says…’)
2. Giving the silent treatment
3. Yelling or crying to get your way
4. Spewing destructive criticism (’You suck the joy out of everything!’
5. Using sarcasm
6. Issuing threats and ultimatums
7. Getting defensive
8. Using buzz words (always, never, hate, divorce)
9. Expecting him [or her] to read your mind.” (Shannon Ethridge, “Fighting Fair”)

• “Confront to Heal, Not to Win. Some people view conflict and confrontation as a win-lose situation. These spouses see being right as far more important than the marital relationship. But working out a hurtful issue is not about who’s right and who’s wrong. Your goal should be not to win, but to confront a conflict and restore the harmony in your relationship.

“Whenever possible, the solution to a problem should benefit both parties. When both spouses feel good about a resolution, it will reestablish the emotional bond between the two of you. Confronting to heal instead of to win will keep your marriage on healthy ground.” (Simon Presland, “How to Fight Fair”)

“Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification” (Romans 14:19).

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry for a man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” (James 1:19-20)

“I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:1-3)

“Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ” (Philippians 1:27).

This is our prayer for how we ALL conduct ourselves in our marriages.

Steve and Cindy Wright

The homes we are building — within our lives and our marriages, are not all about us — they are actually more about God’s Kingdom work being done here on earth. Yes, God wants to lavish His love and gifts upon us, but He also looks beyond our individual comforts and weaves them into His Kingdom work — for the greater good of all.

As you read John chapter 1 in the Bible, you will see that through Him and in Him and for Him, all things were created. God delights in us, but everything is not ALL about us. We are part of a body, created to be in communion with each other and with God. Those of us who try to live in denial of that truth contribute to the problems in this world… and in our marriages in particular.

In last week’s Marriage Message, we talked about marriage not being all about OUR satisfaction — that God has a higher purpose on many different levels that we as human beings cannot even comprehend. But there’s something that author Julianne Slattery wrote, that we’d like to expand upon a bit in this message. She wrote:

“If a marriage is ultimately about getting our own needs met, then marriage is over when intimacy fails. However, marriage can also be viewed as something beyond our needs. It’s often the ultimate test of our values and character. Like no other relationship, marriage can highlight our fears and selfishness. It’s essentially a ministry. The way we respond in marriage reflects our core beliefs and our very reason for living.

“Being a faithful and loving spouse ultimately relies upon our choice to be faithful to God. Especially when a husband or wife is unlovable, continuing in the marriage is only possible when our life means more than finding pleasure, fulfillment, and happiness.”

She goes on to say,

“If being married isn’t about getting needs for intimacy and companionship met, then what’s the purpose? Although God’s design is for a husband and a wife to become one, the reality of marriage falls short. Marriage is a mystery that’s meant to awaken and illuminate our hunger for Christ.”

What it comes down to is: your spouse is not to be your God. We have an article on our web site in the “For Married Women” section which is titled “Your Husband is Not Your God.” The same principle is true in reverse concerning wives. God did not create your spouse to be a substitute for Himself, but instead to be His colleague in demonstrating love to us.

Sadly we put too many expectations upon our spouse to do the job alone. And frankly, because our spouse is human, he/she will often fail in doing their part. And so do we in different ways as well (we just look at our “failures” with different eyes — excusing our failings). When this happens, it’s all the more important to look to Christ to help us, as we hunger for love and righteousness.

Another way God mysteriously uses marriage “to awaken and illuminate our hunger for Christ” is the way in which our spouse seems to be able to bring our flaws out into the open. I never realized how selfish, petty, short-tempered, how lazy at times I could be, along with being prideful and vengeful until I married Steve and he pushed just the right emotional buttons within me and out popped those characteristics.

Yes, I blamed him for doing the pushing, but in reality, they were character flaws that were buried deep until the “perfect storm” of marriage brought them out into the open. I now realize God knew that and allowed Steve to reveal them.

I also know that whenever they (or any other flaws or sins) come out, I have two choices.

1. I can blame my husband for doing whatever he did to get me to that point (which is often just him being himself and me reacting in an exaggerated and/or sinful way).
2. I can realize that God and I have more work to do together to root out that which I shouldn’t be holding onto and so that I can “participate” in God’s “divine nature.” And the same goes for you.

“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

“But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 1:5-11).

With this in mind, we challenge you (as we challenge ourselves) to look at that which you can “add to” and that which you are personally responsible for, which is causing problems in your marriage. You can’t control what your husband or wife does, but you CAN control YOUR actions. Whatever problems you are contributing to in your relationship, make it your mission to work on those issues in partnership with God.

Don’t allow pride, feelings of inadequacy, or whatever you may have going on in your mind that is deceiving you into thinking that you cannot or should not work on your own “stuff”. Resources and tools are available to help you as the Wonderful Counselor, your Holy Spirit, will reveal (and we have many of these tools on our web site). As followers in Christ, keep persevering.

“Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:4).

When you are facing trials in your relationship and in life, ask the Lord what you can learn through it all. Participate with Him in redeeming that which is problematic — don’t add to the problem, learn and apply all you can to persevere and grow despite the painful way it is presented.

In light of this, Steve and I would like to pass a prayer that was sent to us, on to you:

We pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
We pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
We pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
We pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
We pray you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
We pray you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
We pray you enough hellos to get you through the good-byes you experience.

We are asking God to: “Fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God” (Colossians 1:9b-10).

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)

“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

Cindy and Steve Wright

There’s an article that appeared in Marriage Partnership Magazine titled “It’s Not About Satisfaction” written by Julianna Slattery that we’d like to take excerpts from because it’s so rich in wisdom. It was adapted from Julianna’s book “Finding the Hero in Your Husband: Surrendering the Way God Intended.” Here’s part of what Julianna writes:

“The Bible says, ‘Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it’ (Psalm 127:1). In marriage, we must recognize the importance of God in all that we do. We cannot build our house without Him. Perhaps this is why all of our efforts can feel like we’re beating our head against a brick wall. Although we can influence our spouse, we cannot ultimately change his or her heart.

“The temptation to give up on marriage because it’s disappointing or unsatisfying is what overwhelms many spouses. This is particularly true in a culture that’s so focused on self-fulfillment. If a marriage is ultimately about getting our own needs met, then marriage is over when intimacy fails.

“However, marriage can also be viewed as something beyond our needs. It’s often the ultimate test of our values and character. Like no other relationship, marriage can highlight our fears and selfishness. It’s essentially a ministry. The way we respond in marriage reflects our core beliefs and our very reason for living.

“Being a faithful and loving spouse ultimately relies upon our choice to be faithful to God. Especially when a husband or wife is unlovable, continuing in the marriage is only possible when our life means more than finding pleasure, fulfillment, and happiness.

“When marriage is viewed as a calling or ministry, hope resurfaces in the midst of broken dreams. The hope is no longer that the frog will turn into Prince (or Princess) Charming. There’s instead, hope that God can be glorified through what seems like a tragedy. It’s only in seeking God and His plan to build the “house” that forgiveness and unconditional love can infuse life into a dead marriage.

“If being married isn’t about getting needs for intimacy and companionship met, then what’s the purpose? Although God’s design is for a husband and a wife to become one, the reality of marriage falls short. Marriage is a mystery that’s meant to awaken and illuminate our hunger for Christ.

“Throughout the Bible, there are references describing marriage as a metaphor for Christ and His people. It’s through the marriage experience that a woman can understand her longing for a bridegroom who’ll love and sacrifice unconditionally. The emptiness and disappointments that surface in marriage aren’t supposed to signal the end of hope, but begin the need for true hope. Marriage isn’t meant to satisfy, but to ignite the passion for which we were created — intimacy with God.

“Although God may ask you to persevere through a marriage that’s disappointing and unfulfilling, your needs are important to Him. He doesn’t ask you to ignore your longing for love and companionship, but to trust Him with them. Psalm 146:3 says, ‘Don’t put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save.’ Even the best spouse cannot provide salvation—spiritually or emotionally. No matter how good your marriage, you’ll go through times of drought. Your spouse was never meant to satisfy you completely, nor you him or her.

“Perhaps the most touching conversation Jesus had with a human while on earth was with the Samaritan woman as recorded in the Bible in John Chapter 4. This woman had been married 5 times and was currently living with someone to whom she wasn’t married. She was thirsty for love. Try as she might, the affection of a man never satisfied her. She probably hoped that the next guy just might be the hero she was longing for.

“Jesus knew her thirst for love, just as He knows yours. He said to her, ‘Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life’ (John 4:13).

“Is your well dry? Do you feel as though you have little to give your spouse? How can you love when he or she has given you nothing? The answer is Jesus. Imagine a well of love springing up inside of you. No longer are you dependent on your spouse’s touch or compliment to make it through the day. Only Jesus is able to love perfectly.

“You can only invest in your marriage when your life and your happiness don’t depend on the success of finding the hero in your husband or savior in your wife. If wives are desperate for knights in shining armor, they won’t be able to vanquish their insecurities and disappointments long enough to invest in mortal husbands. Instead, you must depend on God and His provision for your ultimate worth and stability. Only then can you freely obey God’s wisdom rather than your fears.

“Intimacy with your spouse is a goal worthy of your attention and efforts. However, there are many happily married people who are spiritually dead. A great marriage is a good thing, but it’s not the best thing. Both the excitement of a growing marriage and the despair of brokenness are chances to seek and glorify the Lord.

“What an inspiration the apostle Paul was in his letter to the Philippians when he wrote, ‘I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength’ (Philippians 4:12-13).“

AMEN! We couldn’t think of a way to say it any better. To read the above article again in its entirety, please click HERE.

Also, it would be good to pass these thoughts onto other Christians who are married or are about to get married. The enemy of our faith wants us to distort what marriage is all about. It’s not about us — it’s about “living Christ.”

Is how you’re living distracting you from living Christ in your marriage? Are you showing love to your spouse as Christ loves the Church?

It’s our prayer that we’ll all remember our “first love.” Jesus said the “greatest commandment is: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” You can’t get a closer neighbor than your spouse.

The question is:

What have you done TODAY to love your spouse “as unto the Lord?”
And don’t forget to plan for tomorrow as well.

Cindy and Steve Wright

“Planning is bringing the future into the present so you can do something about it now.”

It’s not the plan that is as important as the planning and connecting together as husband and wife TO plan. Otherwise it’s as if you are two separate people occupying the same house who do their own thing and sometimes bump into each other. That’s not what marriage is intended to be!

As Jim Elliot said, “Wherever you are, be all there.” That’s especially true when it comes to marriage and interacting and planning together as a family.

Alone we can do some things… and sometimes even do them well, but together we can do so much more — if we come together with intentionality and cooperate as a team to plan for the future and look back at what was.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend [spouse] can help him up! But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

On that note, we’d like to share something with you that has helped us in our effort to live in loving partnership together that may benefit your marriage also.

Every week or so, it’s good schedule a “planning time” with each other. We’ve personally found that it’s important to schedule it because if we don’t, life will slide right between us until soon, not only aren’t we on the “same page” with each other, we aren’t even in the same chapter!

We pray the following guideline will be a wonderful help to you. Please feel free to adapt this to best benefit your own marriage:

PLANNING TIMES WITH YOUR SPOUSE:

Look at your calendar as a couple every week or so to be in one accord with what is happening (or needs to happen) in your life together. Make this time a priority and protect it from interruptions. You can even have a “Planning Time Notebook” with this guideline and other important information in it to use your planning time most productively.

Make sure you both talk AND listen to each other (without interrupting), giving your undivided attention and eye contact. These planning times are to benefit your relationship.

“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another…” (Hebrews 1-:24)

If you find that they’re causing tension between you, work on this communication problem together at another time. You’re to work as a team, not as opponents. “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved” (Barbara Johnson).

If you’re having trouble communicating and resolving conflicts in healthy ways, make it your focused mission to improve upon that issue in your marriage to be UNITED with God and with each other.

FOR EACH PLANNING TIME TOGETHER:

• Coordinate  your calendars and decide if you’re in or out of balance on activities you have scheduled. Ask yourselves: “Do we need to change anything?” (Work towards agreement on commitments that will affect the family before you say, “yes” to anything.)

• Schedule fun dating times with each other. (You dated each other before marriage which helped you fall in love; date each other now to help STAY in love.) Make sure your dating times are reserved for doing fun things together. This isn’t to be a time to talk about serious matters —it’s a time for you to enjoy each other’s company.

• Discuss your family goals and ministry goals. Have goals that you’re mutually in agreement with and working on together as husband and wife. This keeps your relationship alive and growing together rather than apart.

• Share with each other your “80/20″ goals for the month. These are goals which will improve your life by 80 per cent but will require only 20 per cent of your time and effort. (This could include organizing or finishing a project that’s been bothering either of you for a long time.)

• Share with and encourage each other in your hopes and dreams and personal goals (e.g. self-study, dieting, reading, exercising, hobbies you want to pursue, pursuing further education, or just having some “Rest and Relaxation” time that’s important to you.)

• Plan a “House Task” update: Divide tasks in the house so you’re both in agreement. Decide together who is going to be in charge of what responsibility.

• Have a quick budget review and ask yourselves:

1. Where are we?
2. Are we off balance in any area of our finances?
3. Do we need to make any adjustments and if so, where and how?
4. What’s the next major household expenditure we need to make?
5. And what do we need to do now to make sure we have the money for it?

• Discuss future vacation times. (Talk about what arrangements still need to be made and who’s in charge of doing what.)

• Decide when you’re to have your next planning time.

• Work on other concerns that need your attention so you’re on the same page as a couple. Bring up major discussion points that need to be talked through.

Remember: “Don’t let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).

This can be a great time for a SANDWICH DISCUSSION. Each of you is to:

… Say some thing(s) you appreciate about your spouse.

… Tell your spouse some thing(s) that are bothering you. (You should limit this to no more than two as it can be overwhelming to your spouse if you’re giving them a “laundry list” of concerns.)

… Tell your spouse (again) something you also appreciate about them.

This is to sandwich the “tougher meat” of what needs to be said in between appreciation, which is also important to communicate —otherwise the other spouse may never know what you appreciate about them. Keep in mind that we’re to “Speak the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)

• Ask each other what you can be praying about for them in the upcoming days.

• Close your time by PRAYING TOGETHER. Try to work at getting comfortable praying aloud with and for each other. (You may feel awkward at first but eventually you’ll be blessed by it. This is too important of a part of your relationship to neglect.)

We hope you find this template helpful.  We know it can be daunting at first. But trust us, if you can implement only a portion of this plan —especially to begin with, it will help de-stress your marriage and help you keep focused on things that truly matter.

“Good plans shape good decisions.”

“May He give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed.” (Psalm 20:4)

Cindy and Steve Wright

Two lovebirds, out on a limb,
One is a “her” — the other a “him.”
After they married, they built their own nest,
And that’s when their lives began a new quest.

In the beginning their love conquered all.
Then after a while she started to bawl,
“Why don’t you love me as much as before?
All of a sudden you’ve become a big bore.

“You go off to work — then come home to eat,
you pick up the remote, and put up your feet,
And the rest of the evening all that I see,
is you flipping the channels on that stupid TV.

“What’s happened to your promise — to love and adore?
I feel so neglected, why do you ignore
the children and me, and all of our needs?
And look at the lawn — it’s turning to weeds!”

He looked up for a moment and said, “Don’t YOU start;
I’m working long hours. I’m doing MY part.
I’m tired of the nagging; I need time to chill,
I feel like all day I’ve been running up hill.
You crab and you nag, and you criticize me.
I just need some peace… how blind can you be?”

You pick me apart and then you’re amazed
why I close my ears and instead look dazed.
I feel so belittled and worthless and small
But when I am elsewhere, others make me feel tall.”

And now these two Lovebirds are really out on a limb.
One is a “her” and the other a “him.”
Their love’s been reduced to accusations and fights,
seeking their own ways, and defending THEIR “rights.”
Where’ s their promise to love, honor, and cherish?
Without God’s help this marriage could perish.

You see, marriage is a covenant… a promise to keep;
When God is your center, the benefits you’ll reap.
A cord of 3 strands is not quickly broken;
put into practice the words God has spoken.
We’re to live as He said, “Be imitators of Me”
just as Christ lived His life sacrificially.

Submit to each other “as unto the Lord,”
giving each one preference — and live in one accord.
For love is patient, unselfish, and kind.
It doesn’t hold grudges — or shame and remind
each spouse of faults they’re trying to erase.
There are times we all need unmerited grace.

We’re to love as God loves — our vows we’re to keep,
showing others who need Him that His love is deep.
He doesn’t give up, and neither should we.
If we love like He does, it is Christ they will see.

As the love birds we spoke of, opened their eyes,
They knew what to do… and to their surprise
God helped them to love beyond human reason
and take their marriage to a brand new season,
of helping and caring and showing their love
just as Jesus Christ gives love, over and above.

So now those Lovebirds are no longer on a limb.
The one being a “her” — the other a “him.”
Their home honors Christ. They’re now partners, who love,
each other and Christ, and their Father above.

There’s a moral to what God inspired us to write that reaches beyond the surface. It distinguishes the difference between love as the “world gives” versus the love of Christ which is forever — despite that which assaults it. God’s love is what we’re to give each other when we marry.

Love as the world gives can be more spontaneous and many think it should come “more natural.” That makes human sense. It says: “I will love you as long as…” or “I will love you until I decide our love is no longer viable.” Then after that time it’s “to each, their own.”

But that isn’t Godly love. Godly love is “patient” … it is “kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love [true, Biblical love] does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

There’s nothing easy in giving this type of love. It’s takes pure determination and perseverance to love, unlike how the world loves. But it is Godly, and it is Christ-like.

When we love like God loves, there WILL be pain involved, and suffering… just as Christ suffered — because of love. But for the greater good of our marriages, families, communities, and more importantly… Kingdom work, we must PUT ON LOVE to get off of the worldly limb.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12-14).

We pray your love for each other will be given perfect unity through of the love of Christ,
Cindy and Steve Wright

“Have you and your spouse been so angry at each other that you’ve gone your separate ways and stopped interacting with each other? Have you convinced yourself that, until s/he initiates making up, there will be no peace in your house?

“If so, I have few things I want to tell you. You’re wasting precious energy holding on to your anger. It’s exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It’s bad for your health and hard on your spirit. And it’s awful for your relationship.

“Anger imprisons you. It casts a gray cloud over your days. It prevents you from feeling real joy in any part of your life. Each day you drown yourself in resentment is another day lost out of your life. What a waste!

“I’ve worked with so many people who live in quiet desperation because they’re utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and their partner’s wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get their partners to share their views. I hear, ‘I’ll change if s/he changes,’ a philosophy that ultimately leads to a stalemate.

“There are many variations of this position. For example, ‘I’d be nicer to her, if she were nicer to me,” or ‘I’d be more considerate and tell her about my plans if she wouldn’t hound me all the time about what I do.’ You get the picture! ‘I’ll be different if you start being different first.’ Trust me when I tell you that this can be a very, very long wait.

“I’ve been working with couples for years and I’ve learned a lot about how change occurs in relationships. It’s like a chain reaction. If one person changes, the other one does too. It’s simply a matter of tipping over the first domino. Change is reciprocal. Let me give you an example.

“I worked with a woman who was distressed about her husband’s long hours at work. She felt they spent little time together as a couple and that he was of little help at home. This infuriated her. Every evening when he returned for work, her anger got the best of her and she criticized him for bailing out on her. Inevitably, the evening would be ruined. The last thing he wanted to do after a long day at work was to deal with problems the moment he walked in the door.

“Although she understood this, she was so hurt and angry about his long absence that she felt her anger was justified. She wanted a suggestion from me about how to get her husband to be more attentive and loving. She was at her wit’s end.

“I told her I could completely understand why she was frustrated and that, if I were in her shoes, I would feel exactly the same way. However, I wondered if she could imagine how her husband might feel about her nightly barrage of complaints. ‘He probably wishes he didn’t have to come home,’ she said. ‘Precisely,’ I thought to myself. I suggested she try an experiment.

“‘Tonight when he comes home, surprise him with an affectionate greeting. Don’t complain; just tell him you’re happy to see him. Do something thoughtful that you haven’t done in a long time, even if you don’t feel like it.’” “‘You mean like fixing him his favorite meal or giving him a warm hug? I used to do that a lot.’ ‘That’s exactly what I mean,’ I told her. She agreed to give it a try.

“Two weeks later she returned to my office and told me about the results of her ‘experiment.’ ‘That first night I met him at the door and without a word, gave him a huge hug. He looked astounded, but curious. I made his favorite pasta dish, which was heavy on the garlic so he smelled the aroma when he walked in. Immediately, he commented on it and looked pleased.

“‘We had a great evening together. It was the first in months. I was so pleased by his positive reaction that I felt motivated to keep being ‘the new me.’ Since then things between us have been so much better, it’s amazing. He’s come home earlier and he’s even calling me from work just to say hello. I can’t believe the change in him.’

“The moral of this story’s obvious. It’s a law of relationships. If you aren’t getting what you need from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to the situation? If what you’re doing (talking to your partner about the error of his/her ways) hasn’t been working, no matter how sterling your logic, you’re not going to get very far. Be more flexible and creative. Spend more time trying to figure out what might work as opposed to being bent on driving your point home. You might be pleasantly surprised.

“Remember, insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over and over expecting different results.”

Another point Michelle makes on this subject:

“I generally assume that one spouse is more motivated than the other to work on the marriage — read self-help books, take marriage education classes, and so on— and believe that it’s truly possible for one person to trigger positive relationship change single-handedly. My experience has taught me that I don’t need both spouses in order to help couples improve their marriages.

“I just need one motivated spouse. Relationships are such that if one person changes, the relationship changes. So I show people how to approach their partners in more productive ways. Often this triggers a solution avalanche. However, when both spouses are willing to read the books or attend a marriage education class, it will mean that you’ll have a shared perspective and similar ideas about what real change in marriage requires. But the operative word here is willing.

“If your spouse has pulled away and lets you know, ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you,’ or if you’re already doing the ‘Last Resort Technique’, your asking him/her to read a book will probably be viewed as chasing. Chasing a reluctant spouse can be like opening the door to let him or her out of the marriage. If your spouse has told you to back off, don’t ask him or her to read a book.

“If on the other hand, things aren’t quite as rocky, you can consider asking your spouse to read it. Don’t insist — just ask. Some people have made more progress by leaving the book around the house in a conspicuous place rather than asking directly. You might just pique your spouse’s curiosity. But you shouldn’t make reading the book an issue. That could be detrimental.

“And one more thing — don’t assume that if you’re the only one reading the book that it’s a less-than-desirable situation or that your chances of reconciliation are worse. They aren’t. Ultimately, you have to be the catalyst for change whether your spouse reads the book or not. You have to change you. So get started. Read all you can and put to use what you learn.”

(You can read more articles by Michele Weiner-Davis by visiting her web site at Divorcebusting.com.)

Too often we try our method of communicating, and eventually give up thinking it’s hopeless. But with God, nothing is hopeless… nothing is impossible. (See: Luke 1:37 and Luke 18:27.) As someone once said, “God is able to create and re-create — and when we think everything is dead — that’s when He can do something exciting!”

We’re told in the Bible: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

We pray you will not “become weary in doing good.”

“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

Steve and Cindy Wright

We received the following message from a friend and thought it could be a wonderful “wake-up call” for us all — especially for those of us who are married. Please take the time to read it carefully — asking the Lord to speak to your heart. We’ll add additional insights pertaining to marriage on this topic at the conclusion of this message:

IMAGINE:

Imagine there’s a bank that credits your account every morning with 86,400 dollars (or the equivalent currency of your country). It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? DRAW OUT ALL OF IT, of course!!!

Each of us has such a bank. It’s name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.

Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against “tomorrow.” You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.

• To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

• To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

• To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

• To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.

• To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.

• To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special … special enough to spend your time.

And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift — that is why it is called the PRESENT!

As we said before, this is a wake-up call for all of us. We need to make sure that we invest our time in that which will make a positive difference. As we’re told in the Bible: “Everything is permissible; but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible; but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others” (1 Corinthians 10:23).

We all know couples where one spouse died prematurely — without warning. One minute they’re there and the next minute they’re gone. I (Steve) decided a number of years ago that if my wife Cindy were to die suddenly, I didn’t want to live with regrets — the “if only’s.”

Today, I feel I can honestly say there is nothing left unsaid and nothing left undone. Cindy KNOWS I love her, treasure her, and I make time for her.

Take a few minutes this week to assess your current time commitments. Is there something in your schedule that’s currently keeping you away from spending the time you should with your spouse and children? If you were to cut that “item” out of your schedule, would it cause more problems or blessings? If blessings, then what a great gift it would be to give that time to your family (and NOT live with regrets at a later date).

And I (Cindy) want to add to this message: Ask the Lord to show you if you are stealing time away from the family the Lord has given you. What we’ve learned from our own lives is: Just because you CAN do something, it doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it. Ask the Lord to give you His perspective on all of this.

CHOOSE to make the time to do some things that speak “love” to your spouse. Do them “as unto the Lord” — making the most of the “present” God has given you. Keep in mind the events that happened several years ago on September 11th here in the United States. Not everyone who woke up that morning had the opportunity to express their love to their spouse “later.”

Our prayers are with you as together we work to make our marriage reflect the love of Christ — as a living testimony to all who witness our lives together — that God is able to do that which is utterly amazing through those who are committed to Him and to each other.

Steve and Cindy Wright

Within this time there’s a fierce competing battle going on for how we spend every minute of that day. Steve and I experience it, and I’m sure you do as well: the “tyranny of the urgent” will always be in competition for that which means the most to us — that which we SAY is our highest priority.

The Psalmist said, “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12). Isn’t that something that should be the prayer of our hearts — especially in our marriages? We SAY our marriages are important to us, but do our daily schedules really reflect it?

The Bible tells us that where our treasure is, that’s where our hearts are also. What about the treasury of how we spend our time? What does that say about our hearts?

Now, I’m not saying that we have the ability to arrange our time as we please, after-all, most of us have to work to finance our lives, plus there are many other demands on our time as well. But if we’re really honest, MOST of us can find at least a small treasury of time to spend on that which we value.

We need to consider that whatever we say “yes” to, we’re saying “no” to something or someone else (and it’s usually our spouse that we expect to “understand” when we shorten them of our time).

Dr James Dobson states,

“Like most men, I’ve always struggled to maintain a proper perspective between my profession and my family. Just when I think I’ve conquered the dragon of over commitment, I say ‘yes’ a few times when I should have said ‘no, thanks,’ and the monster arises to maul me again. I know of no easier mistake to make, nor one that has such devastating implications for the family.”

In all fairness, this happens with women also. Especially when it comes to the ministry of Marriage Missions, I could work 24 hours a day (and still never get everything even close to being done). Sometimes Steve has to remind me that even Jesus didn’t work like that when He was in human form. Plus, if we don’t do what it takes to make our marriage healthy, we are being hypocrites in running this marriage ministry.

Steve works a lot of long hours in his job as well, plus he tries to do what he can for the ministry of Marriage Missions, so he battles with time and energy issues that takes from our time together.

But together we try to give grace, and yet remind each other of the importance of spending quality time whenever it’s possible (even if it’s just sitting across from a table hand-in-hand for a short time talking eye to eye as friends).

Most women have a tendency to be more “relationship oriented” than “job performance oriented” — but we still get involved in saying “yes” to more than we should. It’s just in a different way. Women will more often over-commit when it comes to relational matters — especially when it comes to caring for their children.

And of course, caring for children should be a high priority, but don’t neglect your marriage more than you should. The best gift you can give your kids is a healthy marriage with their parents.

A few articles to read posted on the web site on this subject can be found in the “Assorted Marriage Problems” section: “When Family and Work Collide” “Career Issues: Lack of Time Together” “Staying Connected when Your Spouse is Away” (for those whose spouse travels or lives in a different location for work purposes), plus “When Hubby’s Away.”

And then there are several articles posted in the “Children’s Effect on Marriage” section that can give you ideas when your children come in with their “tyranny of the urgent.”

And for those in the ministry, in the “Pastors and Spouses” section the articles “Emotionally Abandoning Spouse for the Sake of Ministry” “Is Marriage in Conflict with Your Ministry?” and “The Ministry of Marriage for the Pastor” are helpful articles to read.

We have other articles posted in other sections of our web site as well from which you can glean marriage priority tips.

We found the time before we married to be together… and many who are involved in affairs find the time to do so (stealing time from their spouses), so why can’t we find the time now with our spouse? Priorities!

But if you don’t think you have time to give, ask God to show you where you can grab moments here and there. God is faithful. We’ve done this several times and have found that God makes us aware of moments we can spend together.

And if you don’t have a spouse who recognizes the importance of making time together, guard your heart from allowing it to go places it shouldn’t. Please don’t allow yourself to do that which isn’t right — even if your spouse doesn’t hold to the same standards. Uphold your integrity. “Integrity is doing what is right even if no one but God is watching or notices.”

Also, pray for as long as it takes, and don’t give up praying and believing that God will wake up your spouse.

It comes down to daily, minute-by-minute choices. Just because we CAN do something, just because everything cries for our attention it doesn’t mean we should do it. Marriage is like a garden. If you don’t continually tend to it, it will be over-run by weeds. And those weeds will choke out all you say you value.

It used to be that I (Cindy) would say, “after this, things will slow down.” And then it was “after that” and “after that, and that,” and the saga goes on. But eventually I saw that “this, and that, and that” will always be in my life. The “tyranny of the urgent” seems to be a permanent condition attacking our lives today. I’m only fooling myself thinking things will slow down in some way.

If you don’t say “no thanks” enough — that which I say I care about the most may not wait for me later.

Steve: I’ve come to see that over commitment is a “marriage killer.” I used to equate spiritual depth with the number of spiritual “things” I was involved in. I was even on a local board for the Promise Keepers ministry while not really being the “promise keeper” God wanted me to be in our marriage.

Oddly enough, it was through the Promise Keepers Conferences that God revealed to me that I was only a part time husband and unfortunately the “part” that Cindy got wasn’t my best. I’ve found the best spiritual thing I can do is take care of my wife as Christ’s bride.

I encourage you to stop to consider if your busyness is something that brings God glory. Does it take you away from the really important things that you should be devoting more of our time to — like your marriage and your family built to honor Him?

I can’t answer that question for you; what you do with your time is between you and God. But as for me, I’ve learned that my wife is my number one (earthly) priority — not my job — and not my recreation time. I used to say that I “loved to play golf.” Now I say I “enjoy” golf, but I love Cindy. I know that sounds like a small thing, but when it comes to my thinking about my relationship with Cindy, there are no small things.

Let me encourage you (men) to prayerfully examine your schedules. What would God want you to remove? What would He want you to move into a higher priority? What would He want you to move way down the list (if you feel it must remain)? If you struggle with this, may I suggest you ask your wife, Christ’s bride, what she would want you to remove or move?

And ladies, the same questions can be said in reverse. Pray about this and listen to what God says to your heart.

Cindy and Steve Wright