You’ve probably seen movies in which this scenario is played out Hollywood style, i.e. the relationship of a sweet and happy newlywed couple gets severely tested with fights, hurt feelings, and estrangement over family holidays —only to be wonderfully resolved in 1 1/2 hours! For some couples, such a scenario is reality (except for the 1 1/2 hour resolve time!)

It’s discomforting to make choices between loved ones on such occasions, and it might be this way for you until you become parents and begin to develop your own family holiday events.

Sometimes the question is not only where you spend holidays but also how you spend them. You may have different styles of doing Christmas. One, for example, may think Christmas is pagan —no trees or presents allowed! The other may get ecstatic over decorating a tree with a zillion ornaments, piling gifts to the ceiling, and leaving cookies out for Santa Claus!

Likewise, Easter can be a time of purely celebrating Christ’s resurrection or it can be a time of little or no spiritual content —a time of chocolate bunnies and Easter egg hunts. So, what do you do? Let’s find out!

Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter:

1. Describe your family’s (or your) style of doing:

• Thanksgiving:

• Christmas:

• Easter:

3. How will you handle subsequent family holidays?

4. Do you anticipate issues or problems with your parents over your holiday choices? Explain.

5. How important is it to celebrate Christmas with a tree and all the lights, decorations, stockings, etc.?

• Very … … … … … … Moderately … … … … … … Not at all

6. How important is gift giving at Christmas?

• Very … … … … … … Moderately … … … … … … Not at all

7.Do you want to celebrate Christmas with a manger scene and other biblical depictions?

Santa Claus and reindeer?

8. Will you promote Santa Claus (even as pretend time) to your children? What are your views on promoting the Santa Claus story to children?

Halloween:

9. Explain your views about Halloween.

10. Will you let your children dress in costumes and go trick-or-treating? If so, what kind of costumes will you permit?

11. What are your views about a church-sponsored event on Halloween?

Anniversaries and Birthdays:

12. How important is celebrating anniversaries?

• Very … … … … … … Moderately … … … … … … Not at all

How important is gift giving on anniversaries?

• Very … … … … … … Moderately … … … … … … Not at all

How important is celebrating birthdays?

• Very … … … … … … Moderately … … … … … … Not at all

How important is gift giving on birthdays?

• Very … … … … … … Moderately … … … … … … Not at all

13. Explain how you want to celebrate anniversaries.

14. Explain how you want to celebrate birthdays.

15. If you have differences regarding holidays and other special occasions, how are you resolving these differences?

Parting thoughts about anniversaries:

For women, more so than for men, anniversaries are very special occasions full of meaning and importance, and women want their spouses to remember their anniversary without any hints. Women look forward to special treatment on these occasions —flowers, intimate, thoughtful gifts such as jewelry or perfume (not cookware or vacuum cleaners), dinner at a nice restaurant, and other such things.

Women want to know they are deeply loved and esteemed. Anniversaries are a time when the expectation for such affirmation is at its highest. It behooves a husband to know his wife in this matter. These things are so important to women that they are easily wounded by careless neglect and forgetfulness. Moreover, the wounds and pain can stay within them a very, very long time —even years.

The above worksheet was just part of a chapter titled “Roles and Expectations” that came from the very practical and useful book, Building Your Marriage Upon the Rock, which is an in-depth premarital workbook “with the Bible as your authority and guide.” It is written by Mike Williamson and published by Genesis 224. Their web site is www.genesis224.com and Mike’s email is mike@genesis224.com. The goal of this book is to:

“present material relevant to a broad-based audience of differing upbringings and life situations. Some workbooks take a more lighthearted approach, which might work well for couples who have maintained their purity, who come from wonderful families, and who have well-balanced lives. This book will certainly work for them, but it also speaks to those whose lives have been messed up or who, apart from God have made a mess of their lives.”

Additional articles you may find helpful are listed below. To read, please click onto the following links:

• YOUR FIRST CHRISTMAS AS HUSBAND AND WIFE

• MAKING CHRISTMAS YOUR OWN

• MAKING OUR OWN WAY

• PEACE ON EARTH AND YOUR HOME TOO

• “You’ll never know everything about the person you’ve chosen to marry. But the more information you have before entering into this commitment, the less chance you will be confronted with unfulfillable expectations.” (From the book, Getting Ready for Marriage – by Jerry Hardin and Dianne Sloan)

And you sure don’t want to set your marriage up for future problems and maybe even possible failure because expectations were never given a voice when it’s most productive and wise to do so! As couples, we enter into marriage from two different vantage points and with a load of two different background experiences, which contribute to our expectations. That in itself, can lend itself to future clashes. It’s good to try to learn what you can (without living together first) so you can work through many of your differences before you marry. (There will be many, many more that you won’t be able to work through beforehand, so eliminate what you can while you’re preparing for marriage.)

• It’s better to find out your differences now before you marry so you can decide if it truly is best for you to marry in the first place. It’s better to part ways now than it would be to have a failed marriage — especially with children involved. It’s a difficult situation to think about, but it’s the reality you should face. Asking each other the right questions and then working through the truthful answers, could help you to better know your compatibility.

• Now is also a good time to learn the skill of building communication bridges together in mature ways. You will be so thankful you did. As you go through the various questions, work through any disagreements in ways that help your relationship grow stronger, rather than tearing it apart. This will take effort and intentionality to do this.

To help you with this, we have many articles and many recommended resources in the “Communication and Conflict” section, plus the “Communication Tools” section. And if you need a counselor to help teach you what you need to learn —again, now is a good time to do that so you’re better prepared for your marriage.

So, to point you to some good questions which you can ask each other, we are providing a link below to a web site which has a good list that you may find helpful.

Please click onto the link below which is provided by the Narramore Foundation:

• PRE-MARITAL QUIZ: Principles to Consider Before You Say “I Do”

Each of us brings a certain set of expectations, a mental picture of how we will live and behave and interact, into a marriage. These expectations range from the routine to the profound—from dividing household responsibilities to determining who will take spiritual leadership in the home.

Many of these expectations are not necessarily good or bad; it’s just that your expectations may differ from those of your fiancé. The challenge for most engaged couples is identifying some of the expectations that may later lead to conflict in their relationship.

For example, H. Norman Wright notes in his book, Communication: Key to Your Marriage, that:

Too many couples enter marriage blinded by unrealistic expectations. They believe the relationship should be characterized by a high level of continuous romantic love. As one young adult said, “I wanted marriage to fulfill all my desires. I needed security, someone to take care of me, intellectual stimulation, and economic security immediately—but it just wasn’t like that!”

People are looking for something “magical” to happen in marriage. But magic doesn’t make a marriage work: hard work does.

Buried expectations can poison a relationship. Unresolved expectations often lead to demands, and demands lead to manipulation. One partner maneuvers the other to meet the expectation while the other tries to avoid it. Inevitably, this leads to isolation in marriage with two partners playing absurd but dangerous games in an attempt to establish control.

While many of your own expectations about marriage, will inevitably remain buried until after you are married, there is great value in discussing some of them now. In the process you should learn how to deal with differing expectations so they will not cause disappointment and disillusionment in your relationship.

Guiding Principle
As you begin to identify and discuss your expectations, Philippians 2:3-4 provides a principle that should govern your attitudes:

Do nothing from selfish or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

Complete the following statement:
When one of my expectations is not met, I should…

The Christian life is ultimately “other” focused, not “me” focused. The aim of our lives is to meet the needs of others. This means our expectations, many of which are legitimate, must often be put aside for the needs of others. This is what Christ called “dying to self.”

MARRIAGE:

1. Review each category below and ask yourself this question: What unique expectations might I be holding on to from my previous marriage that I haven’t yet discussed? Or to put it another way: What are areas of this marriage that I’m expecting to be different from my previous one?

Marriage Relationship:

Finances:

Home:

Housekeeping:

Children and Parenting:

Social/Entertainment:

Spiritual:

Holidays/Vacations/Special Occasions:

In-laws/Relatives:

Sex:

2. If your fiancé needs to contact his or her former spouse (due to finances, business, in-laws, children, etc.) how do you want that to be handled?

CHILDREN (If applicable):

1. What kind of relationship do you expect your new spouse to have with your children?

2. What kind relationship do you expect to have with your spouse’s children?

3. How will you handle the children’s need to see your former in-laws —their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins?

4. What guidelines need to be developed in disciplining the children?

5. How will you handle disagreements with former spouses about how to raise the children?

6. What are the financial burdens involved in raising the children? How will these be handled?

7. Will you have additional children? When? How many?

There was a lot more to the chapter on this subject than we weren’t able to include in this article/ questionnaire. They had additional text as well as an extensive “Great Expectation Survey” which contained several pages of very important questions that couples would greatly benefit from filling out and discussing with their intended mate. But we wanted to show this part of the workbook because of the uniqueness of it. It’s difficult to find workbooks that are geared to ask questions to those who have previously been married. This workbook has questions for both those who have never been married before as well as those who have.

There are so many great aspects to this workbook. They include: “opportunities to answer questions and complete activities that allow you to grasp the topic and understand why it’s important for you,” a “Bible discovery section of each chapter where you examine and discuss biblical truths to learn God’s principles on different aspects of marriage,” “a list of summary statements of the key principles from each session,” interaction portions of each session which include questions to guide your discussion, opportunities to pray together and “experience a spiritual discipline that will be one of the keys to your growing marriage in the years to come,” “optional assignments for the highly motivated —those who want to go where no engaged couple has gone before,” “questions for those who were previously married,” plus “bonus projects designed to help you deepen your experience as you work through the course.”

We HIGHLY recommend that you find a way to obtain this workbook. They even have a companion guide for Marriage Leaders, Pastors, Counselors, and Mentor Couples” which can be obtained for those who want to help. If you can’t find the books at a local Christian bookstore, you can obtain them at www.familylife.com.

General Relationship Expectations

In this first section, we ask you to consider all manner of expectations about marriage in general. The goal is to clarify your expectations for how you want your marriage to be or how you think it should be. You are not to evaluate how you guess it will be. Write down what you expect, whether or not you think the expectation is realistic. (The expectation will affect your relationship whether or not it’s realistic, so you need to be aware of it.) It’s essential that you write down what you really think, not what sounds like the correct or least embarrassing answer.

It can also be valuable to think on what you observed about each of these areas in your family growing up. This is probably where many of your beliefs about what you want or don’t want come from. With many areas of expectation, we have provided some references to key passages of scripture that deal with that area. These are provided for further thought, reflection—even struggle—as you work through your expectations in this exercise.

Write about what you want (or how you think things should be) regarding each of the areas that seems significant to you:

A. What do you expect in an area of loyalty? What does “leave and cleave” mean to you? (Genesis 2:18-24; Ruth 1:16-17)

B. What are your expectations and concerns about the longevity of this relationship? About “till death do us part?” (Mark 10:7-9)

C. “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure” (Hebrews 13:4a). What does this say about God’s expectation for marriage? What do you expect about fidelity, including whether your partner should have friends of the opposite sex, and so forth?

D. What does being loving and caring mean to you? Do you expect you should always have loving feelings? Do you expect this to change over time? (1 Corinthians 13)

E. What about your sexual relationship? Frequency? Practices? Taboos? Who should initiate lovemaking?

F. What are your expectations about romance in your marriage? What is your particular language of love? [Is it: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch?]

G. How about having children (or having more children)? Who should discipline the children? How? What about spanking?

H. If you married before and have children from that marriage, where do you want them to live? How do you expect that you should share in their discipline?

I. Think about work, careers, and the provision of income. Who should work in the future? Whose career or job is more important? If there are or will be children, should either partner reduce work time out of the home to take care of them? What about work after your nest is empty? Retirement?

J. What are your expectations and concerns about the degree of emotional dependency on the other? Do you want to feel taken care of? In what ways? How much do you expect to rely on each other to get through the tough times? What about depending on family and friends for emotional support? In what areas would you expect to be more emotionally independent?

K. What should be your basic approach to marriage? As a team or as two independent individuals? What about the implications of the roles described in scripture? (Ephesians 5:20-31)

L. How should you work out problems? Do you want to talk these out, and if so, how? What about the expression of strong emotions like anger?

M. Think about power and control. Who do you expect will have more power in what kinds of decisions? For example, who will control the money, or who will discipline the children? Who should make the final decision when you disagree about a key area? Who seems to have the most power in your relationship now, and how do you feel about that? (Ephesians 5:20-31; Colossians 3:18-21; 1 Peter 3:1-7)

O. Consider household tasks. Who should do what? How does the current breakdown match up with what you expect?

P. What are your expectations, desires, and concerns about time together? How much time do you want to spend together (versus time alone, with friends, at work, with family, and so forth)?

Q. What do you expect about sharing all of your thoughts and feelings? Are there feelings that shouldn’t be shared?

R. How do you envision your friendship with your partner? What is a friend? Should your partner always be your best friend?

S. Think about some of the “little things” in life. Where should you squeeze the toothpaste? Should the toilet seat be left up or down? Who sends greeting cards? Think about the little things that have irritated you in the past. What do you want or expect in each area?

T. What should happen when there is a need for forgiveness? How important is forgiveness in your relationship? (1 John 4)

U. Now, with your mind primed from all of the work you have done, consider again the hidden issues. Do you see any ways that deeper issues of yours might influence your expectations? What do you expect, want, or fear in each of these areas? Power? Caring? Recognition? Commitment? Integrity? Acceptance?

V. Write about any other expectations that come to mind. Some other areas might include money (saving, spending); free time, recreation, TV; use of alcohol and drugs; your interactions in public; relatives; and so on.

Go back to each area just listed and rate each of your expectations for how reasonable you think it really is. Use a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 = completely reasonable (“I really think it is OK to expect this in this relationship.”) and 1 = completely unreasonable expectation for me to have in our relationship.”) For example, suppose you grew up in a family where problems were not discussed, and you are aware that you honestly expect or prefer to avoid such discussions. You might now rate that expectation as not very reasonable.

Place a big check mark by each expectation that you feel you have not clearly discussed with your partner.

Share your expectations. After you and your partner have finished the entire written exercise, schedule times together to discuss each of the areas either of you thinks is important. Please don’t try to do this all at once. You should plan on a number of discussions, each covering only one or two expectation being discussed has been shared clearly in the past and how it may have affected your relationship. Talk about the degree to which you both feel your expectations are reasonable or unreasonable and discuss what you will agree to do about these.

There was a lot to this particular chapter that we couldn’t include in this article to protect the book’s copyrights. But we believe it would greatly benefit your future marriage if you would find a way to obtain this book and work through the rest of the principles in this chapter and others as well.

A lasting Promise contains powerful and practical principles that are solidly based on Scripture with a unique blending of university research. It’s “designed to provide a rich resource of the many things you can do to protect your marriage and make it better” which has made a positive difference for many other couples.

“The time-tested techniques of this book are for any couple—from the newly engaged to long-time marrieds—who want to solve problems or prevent them.” A Lasting Promise will take work to master. It presents “a thoroughly Christian model of marriage, using core teachings about marriage and relationships from throughout scripture.” They introduce a number of very effective tools for handling conflict and disagreements. Like any new skills, these become easier with practice. But with each skill or principle, they also tell you about the underlying theory and research so you can better understand why it works. You will find that these techniques are not really difficult to understand, but they

Along with the authors, we believe it will be worth every effort you put into learning what you can from this book and mastering these skills because we believe it will greatly help your marriage become the best it can be. We HIGHLY recommend this book.

Your attitude is the position you take and the opinion you have on any subject. It is the way you see life and how you think it should be. Your attitude is formed by your feelings, your thoughts, what has been modeled for you, and your experiences in life. The environment in which you grew up has played a major role in the development of your attitude about life. And the more you know about one another and your families of origin, the more you will understand what makes you who you are and why you each see life the way you do.

Your attitude about life affects everything you think, feel, say, and do. If you see life as a battleground, then each waking moment is a struggle and you must always be prepared to defend yourself.

How do you see life? How about your spouse-to-be? How does your attitude concerning work, play, and marriage fit in with the attitudes of your spouse-to-be? How are they similar? How are they different?

How do your attitudes affect the way you act or respond to each other? What roles will each of you have in this new relationship? What is absolutely unacceptable to you and your spouse-to-be? What about your families? Do they believe there is a certain way men and women should be, act, or live?

Men, when you look at your fiancée, what do you see? When she becomes your wife, what do you think her role should be? Do you see your wife-to-be as a housekeeper, a cook, or the person responsible for the laundry and dish washing? If you think of her as a housekeeper, then we can tell you that the house had better be clean! But if you see your wife as your sweetheart, your friend, a person to share your life with, then the cleanliness of the house will not be your primary focus.

Women, when you look at your spouse-to-be, what do you see? When he becomes your husband, how do you view his role? Do you see your husband-to-be as a provider, lawn keeper, or the person responsible for the care, upkeep, and maintenance of the cars and house? If your attitude toward your husband is that he is to be a Mr. Fix-It, then we can tell you that the automobile and the house better be in good working order. You will probably have a “honey-do” list for him most of the time. But if you see your husband as your lover, companion, and friend, it will not be a major event if something does not get done around the house.

Your attitude sets the stage for your life’s journey. It plays a major role in shaping what your marriage relationship will become. If you greet your mate with love and a smile, you will find love and something to smile about in return. The attitude you choose, develop, and cultivate will determine how the events of your life affect you and will also affect the expectations you and your mate have of one another. When you choose to express yourself in a caring manner, express interest in your mate, you send a message of peace and harmony.

The first four minutes you spend with your mate in the morning and the last four minutes you spend with your mate in the evening set the stage for how the rest of your time together will go for that day. The way you greet and part from your mate plays an important role in the building of your relationship.

As husband and wives come together at the end of the day, they frequently bring home their problems and troubles from work and the outside world. Give yourselves time to adjust from work to family; otherwise, you will transfer tension from job to home. Have a special four minutes of greeting when you walk through the door after work and save any discussion of the problems and cares of the world until you have had fifteen to thirty minutes of rest.

Home should be a haven, a resting place, a place you look forward to going. These first four minutes will help you set the stage for keeping your relationship open for communication and understanding.

[Make two copies of the worksheet below —one for each of you. Answer T for "true" to the statements which describe the most common situation for you. Answer F for "false" to the statements which describe a situation which is seldom true. Do your work alone, then come together as a couple and discuss your answers.]

2. I think women are more emotional than men.

3. I believe the man and woman should share equally in providing income for the family.

4. I think it is important for both of us to be present at our children’s activities.

5. I would like to live close to my parents.

6. I believe that women are more family oriented than men.

7. I think husbands and wives should kiss good morning, good night, hello, and good-bye.

8. I think it is okay to jump from job to job if you can make a little more money by doing it.

9. I want a night out with my friends at least once a week.

10. I think it is okay after marriage to see friends of the opposite sex in the evening time.

11. I think grocery shopping is woman’s work.

12. It really bothers me to be late or to leave at the last minute.

13. I like things clean, orderly, and in the right place.

14. My father and father had a happy marriage.

15. I do not believe it is important for women to get a good education

16. I see changes in my life as a time for growth.

17. I need to have private time on a regular basis.

18. I believe it is okay to have a few beers or a drink or two in the evening.

19. I believe that marriage is forever.

20. It is important to me to pursue my own career.

21. I believe that the woman’s place is in the home.

22. In our marriage, I think we should each have agreed upon household duties.

23. I believe it is okay for men and women to have a hobby or sport they can enjoy without their mates.

24. It is important to me that you pursue your own career.

25. I believe it is wrong to get drunk.

26. I think it is alright to show affection in public.

27. I believe that life is unfair most of the time.

28. I want to be in close contact with my parents by calling or visiting every day.

29. I believe that alcohol/drug usage creates problems in a marriage.

30. Vacations together as a family are important.

31. After marriage, I want to go on vacations without my mate.

32. I prefer living spontaneously to having a definite schedule each day.

33. I prefer not to eat leftovers.

34. Birthdays and holidays are important to me.

35. The wife should feel free to work after the children are in school all day.

36. I am a risk taker.

37. I want my mate to go to church with me.

38. After marriage, I want to have vacations with our families of origin.

39. I would be upset if I had to live in a home that was a mess all or most of the time.

40. Children should not talk back to their parents.

41. We should have separate checking accounts.

42. I believe men have a great desire for sex than women.

43. I would be upset if meals were not served on time.

44. I like doing housework;, i.e., washing, ironing, vacuuming.

45. I think I am an easy person to talk to.

46. It would bother me if my mate made more money than I did.

47. I think men should make more money than women.

48. I don’t believe women should travel alone.

49. Big families are happier families.

50. It is very important to me that we are financially successful.

Couples are encouraged to make their own covenants in specific areas such as financial matters, resolving conflict, religious orientation, and family planning to build a strong marriage partnership. They’re also encouraged to work through this material with a pastor or counselor or mentoring couple in case they need to talk more about the issues in that section with someone more experienced and knowledgeable.

We wish we could have included more in the above pre-marriage worksheet because they offered so much more in the workbook including additional questions, scoring evaluations, etc., but for many different reasons we couldn’t. But we do recommend that you pick up a copy of the book so you can take advantage of what they’ve prepared to help you for your upcoming marriage.

There are no deeper and more basic questions than “Why am I here,” “What is the purpose of life,” and “Is there a God?” While these questions can be compartmentalized for discussion in a philosophy class, a theology course, or a religious setting, core values impact virtually everything a person does, says, thinks, and desires.

Core Values can be the source of great harmony or great division in a marriage. Where does a couple turn in the midst of tragedy? What values and morals will be passed down to future family generations? What will their basis be for perceiving right and wrong?

By uncovering each person’s Core Values, couples perch themselves from a unique vantage point. They are peering into the foundational core of a person’s existence. They expose the reasoning for almost every decision a person makes, the motivation for why they do what they do, and the basis for who they are.

Uncovering the Core Values:

[Take turns discussing the following questions.]

Meaning of Life: What is the ultimate meaning of life?

Worldview: What is the basis for most every decision you make? (feel good, have fun, help others, please God, etc.)

Source for Morals: Where do the personal morals you live by come from? (public opinion, parents, faith, peers, religious book, etc.)

Moral Basis: How is good and evil, right and wrong determined in your life?

Central Priority: What is the number one thing that motivates you for living your life the way you do?

Values Priority: Do you place more importance on inward character qualities or outward behavior?

Purpose of Life: What is a person’s purpose and reason for living?

Political Leaning: Currently liberal, conservative, moderate, socialist, or other? List any political affiliation.

Causes in Life: List social, political, religious, and other efforts and causes you have participated in.

[ Discuss together the following:]

• [What are] three of the strongest SIMILARITIES in Core Values you and your [future] mate have?

• How can the similar Core Values be a strength in your relationship?

• How can they be detrimental to your relationship?

• [What are] three of the strongest DIFFERENCES in Core Values you and your [future] mate have?

• How can the DIFFERENT Core Values be a STRENGTH in your relationship?

• How can they be detrimental to your relationship?

• Do you and your [future] mate share more or fewer Core Values? Discuss any concerns.

As the author says about this workbook:

“Over the years, I have studied the age-old teachings from the Christian Scriptures, digested the findings from decades of social research, talked with the nation’s smartest people on marriage, and listened to real life testimonies from countless married couples. I have examined most marriage and relationship books, surfed most marriage and relationship web sites, and reviewed numerous marriage enrichment programs. I have been trained in some of the best marriage/relationship programs that exist and participated in strategic discussions for national marriage efforts. I have counseled many couples, taught relationship basics to many more, and trained many, many pastors and leaders on marriage and family issues.

“Through all my studies and work, one question lingers in my mind. How do the generations raised in a culture with too much divorce and too many broken families capture a vision for their marriage? How do they acquire a vision that helps them experience all marriage has to offer? The Full Marriage Experience is the answer to that question. Before “I Do” was written specifically for pre-engaged, engaged, and newlywed couples to prepare themselves to live the Full Marriage Experience. If my wife and I can live it, most anyone can.”

And we totally agree! This is a terrific tool for anyone considering marrying. You can order it at their web site at www.FullMarriageExperience.com.

Nobody enters a marriage thinking it will fail, but the old adage our mothers used, about an ounce of prevention being worth a pound of cure, is valuable here. The more aware your children are about what can go wrong after the wedding, the better prepared they’ll be.

Money problems are at the root of many disagreements in marriage, and a major cause of divorce. Often these problems revolve around control and trust.

You can help your marriage-minded child address some practical issues early on. Encourage them to sit down with their partner and ask some basic questions. Do they think about money the same way? Are they savers or spenders? Here’s a quick quiz for them to take together:

When I’m out shopping, I think most about:

a) The stuff I’m getting.

b) The money I’m spending.

If I’m short of money at the end of the month:

a) That’s what credit cards are for.

b) I don’t buy anything.

If I don’t have enough cash for a purchase and I’m not near my bank:

a) There’s an ATM on every corner.

b) I’ll put off the purchase. I hate paying ATM surcharges.

Money makes me feel powerful when:

a) I use it to get something I want.

b) I hold it as an asset.

At the current rate I’m saving:

a) I have no idea how much I’ll be worth when I retire.

b) I can tell you almost exactly how much I’ll be worth when I retire.

When I put money into savings, I feel:

a) Dutiful.

b) Wonderful.

When I make an impulse purchase, I feel:

a) A rush.

b) What’s an impulse purchase?

When I talk to my friends about money, I’m likely to mention:

a) The great bargain I got.

b) The great undervalued stock I bought.

I am most likely to celebrate a raise and promotion by:

a) Buying myself something special.

b) Jumping in the air and yelling “Yippee!”

I am most likely to react to being passed over for a raise and promotion by:

a) Buying myself something special.

b) Tightening my belt and talking with my boss.

If they give more a) answers, they are basically spenders, if more b) answers, they’re savers. A comparison of scores can be enlightening.

If there’s a big difference, the potential for disagreement is high. That doesn’t necessarily spell trouble, but it means they should be aware about their differing perspectives.

If they are both spenders by nature, it’s good to be aware of that. Neither partner can count on the other to put the brakes on. It can be OK if they are learning their own techniques of self-restraint. But if they don’t learn how to deal with it, there could be financial stress down the road.

If they are both savers, that’s great, but they shouldn’t forget that it’s OK to have a little fun, too.

Another important aspect of money management for soon-to-be newlyweds is financial priorities. Have them take this joint test, answering as honestly as possible:

If we had to tighten our belts, we would be willing to cut these things:

a) right away

b) if necessary

c) maybe for one month

d) not at all

Here is the list:

• Nice things for the house

• Clothes

• Credit card bills

• Entertainment

• Rent or mortgage payments

• Car payments

• Tools or equipment needed for work

• Expenses indirectly related to work, such as taking a course

• Cable TV

• Vacations

People who love each other and who agree on movies, music, politics and home décor may have drastically different opinions about what they’ll give up when money is tight. Of course, if they don’t agree that payments for credit cards, housing and cars can not be cut, they might need some help figuring out their financial priorities — either from you or an independent financial adviser.

It is possible for people with vastly different approaches to money to find common ground. The main thing for them to understand when it comes to this aspect of their relationship is that it’s just like anything else: Dealing with it successfully will require sharing and mutual respect. Asking the right questions before they exchange their vows will help them understand what saying “I do” really means.

DISCUSS FINANCES BEFORE MARRIAGE  is published in the Philadelphia Inquirer, and written by NEALE S. GODFREY -12/12/2005

Neale S. Godfrey is a former bank president and expert on family finance.

Some couples do not plan for children or use forms of birth control to choose when to have children. Others can’t wait to have children. What are your thoughts? Do you feel you should have children right away or do you plan to get to know your marriage partner better before having children? How long should a couple wait?

The following questions are designed to help you formulate your thoughts and verbally set forth a plan for child-rearing. Share together your thinking in this important area of marriage.

1. Do you plan to have children?

2. How many children would you like to have?

3. How long would you like to wait before having children?

4. Should a couple wait until they can afford to have children?

5. I feel that it is important for the father to be present at the birth of a child?

__ Yes __ No __ Undecided

6. If we cannot have children, my feelings about adoption are:

7. What are your feelings if you would have only boys or only girls?

8. How much should a husband participate in the care of a baby?

9. What are your feelings toward sharing equally in all of the activities of care and raising of children (feeding, changing diapers, late-night responsibilities, etc.)?

10. The names of children should be determined by:

11. The responsibility for the discipline of the children lies with:

__ Husband __ Wife __ Both

12. I want my children to learn the following values, rules, and characteristics:

13. My parents used the following discipline with me:

14. I want to discipline my children in the following ways:

Early years:

Middle years:

Teen years:

15. Who should be responsible for assisting children with homework?

__ Husband __ Wife __ Both

16. My thoughts with regard to leaving children in daycare or with babysitters are:

17. Who is responsible for buying clothes for the children?

18. Who decides what gifts to buy for the children?

19. I feel that the place of pets in our home is:

20. I feel that favoritism of children in the home is:

21. What is your opinion about standing behind your mate’s discipline of the children?

22. If you have children by a former marriage, who will discipline your children?

23. If you have children by a former marriage, do you foresee any problems with visiting rights of the divorced partner? Explain:

24. In discipline, how strict do you think parents should be?

25. I think the most important thing in child discipline is:

26. I think that praising children involves:

27. How much should parents sacrifice for their children?

28. What are your thoughts about parents caring more for the children than for each other?

29. What message do you think is conveyed in Psalm 127 and Psalm 128?

30. I have the following questions concerning child-rearing:

This book is actually designed not to be an “answer book for marriage problems”, but rather it’s meant to be an inventory and “discussion guide to help couples open up important channels of communication; express their thoughts, desires, and feelings to each other; and enhance their growing relationship together.”

The author recommends that each person should have a personal copy in which to write his or her own responses. As the author Bob Phillips says,

“If you will honestly share with each other your thoughts and feelings with regard to the questions, your future marriage will begin on a strong, firm, and mutually satisfying foundation.”

This book is also designed to be a helpful tool in the hands of Pastors and Counselors for pre-marital counseling. The topics covered are: Family Background, Previous Marital History, Status of Present Relationship, Religious Background, Children, Finances, Communication, and also has a Sexual Inventory along with a Wedding Checklist and additional resources.

There is a good explanation in the beginning of the book for Pastors and Counselors, Teachers and Leaders (as well as for couples alone) to know how to best use this tool to aid couples know each other better before marriage.

“By the same token, when two people marry they put down their money in a similar hope that they can take a particular script for granted. Unfortunately, the scripts from which each member of a couple plays her and his marital scenes are sometimes very different. … Often our scripts are based on our parents’ marriages.”

Author Lavonne Neff says at the time of her marriage, her parents had been married for thirty-five years and her husband’s for twenty-five. Both marriages were solid. But, she says,

“We had instinctively learned patterns of behavior that had worked well for our parents, and we didn’t think twice about applying them to themselves.

“And that was the problem —David was treating me just as his father treats his mother, and I was responding just as my mother responds to my father. The trouble was that his father was not married to my mother!”

If you took a video of marriages around the world, many pictures would emerge. You would see some in which the husband fathers both wife and children. There would be others in which the wife supports the family and dominates and controls both husband and children. In a few cultures, the picture might emerge of a husband with several wives who are responsible not only to him, but also to his relatives.

God’s plan for the family is an equilateral triangle with God at the top. At the base are equal partners who are best friends, committed to God and to each other. This is the kind of marriage in which trust, friendship, commitment, joy and union thrive.

If you are engaged to be married, ask these questions of yourself and your spouse-to-be to avoid misunderstandings in the future or solve them in the present. We suggest the two of you take an hour or two for several weeks and explore the following:

1. What were the responsibilities and chores of each member of your family as you were growing up? How were these accepted by each member? (For example, did they accept them as routine, resent them, gripe about them, or try to get out of them?)

2. In your opinion, how should chores for the home, car, lawn, garden, etc., be handled? Who should decide who does what?

3. What holidays did your family celebrate and how? What, of their traditions, do you want to continue in our family? Do you want to add any? How important is this to you? Was Christmas of special importance in your home? How much was spent on gifts?

4. Were table manners and manners in general taught in your home? How diligently? What manners are most important to you? (For example, is chewing with one’s mouth closed important? Using a knife and fork properly? Opening doors for women? Being helped on with your coat? Not interrupting someone who’s speaking?)

5. What was your parents’ educational background? Was good English used in your home? How important is the proper use of grammar to you? Is this something you want our family to work on?

6. In what events did your family participate together? Which meals did you eat together as a family? What recreation did you all participate in? Work projects? Did you worship together? Have family devotions? Other? What did you like about this? Dislike? What would you like our family to do together regularly?

7. What was the general atmosphere around your home? Was there much quarreling or was it mostly pleasant? Which member of your family did you enjoy being with the most? The least?

8. How important in your home were reunions and get-togethers with relatives? How important is your extended family to you? How often would you like to see them?

9. How did your family spend vacations? If your family had $200 to spend on a vacation but the house needed painting, would your father have wanted to use that money to paint the house during vacation or go somewhere inexpensive? What about your mother? What would you want to do? What is your ideal vacation, given unlimited funds? Given very limited funds?

10. What was each member of your family’s attitude about God? About church? About spiritual things in general? Which ones were Christians? Which ones were hostile about spiritual matters? Did you go to church regularly as a family? How committed was your family to that? What is your own feeling concerning God, Christ, the Christian life? How do you feel about regular church attendance and what does “regular” mean to you? What were your families’ views concerning Sunday as the Lord’s Day?

11. What value was held in highest esteem by your father (for example, honesty, integrity, faithfulness, love, kindness)? Your mother? What other values were important and how was that demonstrated? What values are most important to you and how would you like to see them worked out in our home?

12. What was the pattern of your family’s social life (country club, sports events, big parties, small dinners, games, etc.)? What would you like to continue that you enjoyed? What kinds of things do you dislike?

13. To what extent did your father and mother show an interest in what you were doing? Did they get involved in school activities? Come to events in which you were participating? See that you had your homework done?

14. What were the rules of conduct in your home? Did you have strict deadlines when you had to be home in the evenings? Rules about dating? Did your parents insist on knowing where you were most of the time? Did each member of the family keep the others informed of their whereabouts?

15. What was the attitude of your family concerning privacy? Did you walk in and out of bedrooms and bathrooms without knocking? What would you like to do in your home concerning this?

16. Was your family conservative or liberal in their thinking? About politics? Religion? What were your families’ views on: Abortion? Alcohol? Cigarettes? Drugs? Racial issues?

17. Did your parents teach you about sex? At what age? Was their view of sex healthy? Would you want your children to be raised as you were in this regard? If you didn’t learn about sex from your parents where and what did you learn about it?

18. What kinds of attitudes did your father and mother have concerning money? Were they liberal spenders? Givers? Savers? Did your family operate on a budget? Were they in debt much of the time? If so, from whom did they borrow? Would they be more likely to spend money on new cars, clothes, entertainment, insurance, or other? What were their priorities as far as money was concerned? Which of their values would you want to emulate? What would you want to avoid?

19. How well do you feel your parents related to one another? To each member of the family? What would you like to carry over from them or avoid?

20. What did your family read? What programs did they watch on television? What kind of movies did they enjoy?

21. What kinds of humor did your family enjoy? (Practical jokes? Puns? Slapstick?)

22. What kinds of pets did your family own? Were they treated as members of the family or kept outside? How do you feel about animals?

23. Did an older relative ever live with your family? What was your parents’ attitude toward the widowed or sick and their responsibility toward them?

24. How did your family respond to illness (with sympathy, over-concern, ignored it and went on working, etc.)? When you were ill, how did your family treat you? How would you like to be treated?

I realize that’s quite a list. And it isn’t even comprehensive. But it is a beginning of rewriting part of your script in order to approach the drama of marriage with understanding.

Someone has said, “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” That’s true. Part of the process of falling in love —and staying in love-demands a knowledge and understanding of the background of our partner. This awareness comes through hard work, communication, compromise, adjusting —and a giant helping of God’s grace.

There are so many things that are so good about this book, one of them being that this is such a practical book. It really gives a lot of helpful insights into how to get along better with each other. What’s great about it is the fact that Jack and Carole take their own differences and their own opposite ways of approaching life and help you to see, as you look into their lives, how you can turn your diversity around to HELP your marriage rather than hurt it.

Those six words establish a new identity. Actually, 3 new identities form — a couple, a husband, and a wife.

By exchanging their vows and committing themselves to one another, the groom and bride begin new roles (husband or wife), share a new name (Mr. and Mrs. Smith), and start a new relationship (marriage). These new identities come with new functions and responsibilities that alter the couple’s relationship and their families.

Some couples believe they are ready for the identity change. They know marriage will usher them into a new existence, and a new life begins after the wedding day. Other couples are unprepared for the identity change and may find themselves in the middle of an identity crisis before their first anniversary.

The level of readiness depends on the choices a couple makes. Will the couple pro-actively prepare for their new identity, or will they let the chips fall where they may? Where will they turn for direction and guidance to help them transition into their new identities—popular culture, church, other people, the Bible, television, the latest relationship expert?

Understanding the identity changes in marriage doesn’t have to be a guessing game. Prospective husbands and wives can look to the Author of Marriage to guide them into their new roles, functions, and responsibilities.

Replacing the guesswork with insight, couples can step into their new life together with confidence and understanding. By discovering their new identities, couples can survive the positive identity change, and ultimately live the Full Marriage Experience.

• Describe how you think your roles in your relationship will change after the wedding day.

STEP OUT OF ONE FAMILY AND INTO ANOTHER

“Haven’t you read,” Jesus replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one, Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6)

The majority of a person’s life has been under the care, authority, and trust of their parents. The family in which someone was raised shapes that person’s views, beliefs, and attitudes about relationships.

What one thinks it means to be a husband, a wife, and a married couple is heavily shaped by their home life. The marriage, ex-marriage, or non-marriage of their parents influences a person’s ideas about and vision for the marriage roles. “Family of Origin” issues also affect perceptions and beliefs about family life and parenting.

[Identify] all that describe your father’s role as a husband

(Substitute step father if necessary).

• Endearing husband

• Mission-in-action partner

• Well-balanced leader

• Walked-over spouse

• Family overseer

• Dominating husband

• Emotionally-disengaged mate

• Mom’s best friend

• Hard-working provider

• Other ______________

[Identify] all that describe your mother’s role as a wife

(Substitute step mother if necessary)

• Loving wife

• Non-existent in family life

• Over-involved busybody

• Control freak

• Glue-of-the-family

• Nagging wife

• Passive partner

• Dad’s best friend

• Sole/dual provider

• Other ___________

• How does your parents’ modeling of being a husband and wife impact your view of the roles of husband and wife?

• In your opinion, is the marriage of your parents a model worth following, a model worth forgetting, or somewhere in between? Why?

To fully step into the marriage relationship, the man and woman must step out of their parents’ home, authority, and care. The Scriptural concept of Leaving the first in a two-step process to enter marriage.

While living with one’s parents until the wedding day is not as common as it once was, the concept of Leaving is more necessary than people may think. Leaving does not mean the end of the parent-child relationship. That special bond will still remain after the wedding day. Marriage simply redefines it. To Leave means to withdraw from the emotional security, financial dependence and physical attachments from one’s parents.

The Scriptural concept of Cleaving is the second step to enter marriage. When a person withdraws from their parents’ broad array of support, they must go to someone else who will provide it. Depositing the emotional security, financial dependence, and physical attachments to one’s spouse makes the Leaving and Cleaving process complete.

For the best interest of everyone, the relational withdrawal and deposit (Leaving and Cleaving) should occur as close to the actual wedding day as possible. Attempting to do it well before the wedding or well after the wedding can complicate the couple’s relationship and disrupt the extended family relationships. The transition on the wedding day is one of the many spectacular mysteries of marriage.

• Why should someone getting married Leave their parents?

• List potential pitfalls for couples who do not Leave their parents.

• Are you prepared to Leave and Cleave? Is your [future] mate ready to Leave and Cleave? What issues remain?

• Do you believe your parents understand the concept and see the necessity in your Leaving them and Cleaving to your spouse?

• Do you believe your [future] mate’s parents understand the concept and see the necessity in your [future] mate Leaving them and Cleaving to you?

• What changes will you and your [future] mate have to make as you Leave your parents?

• What concerns do you and your [future] mate have of Leaving and Cleaving?

• [Discuss] healthy ways to grow a relationship with parents and in-laws after the wedding day.

• How can you and your [future] mate honor both sets of parents for their influence in your lives?

• How do you expect marriage to change your relationship [with both sets of parents]?

As the author says about this workbook:

“Over the years, I’ve studied the age-old teachings from the Christian Scriptures, digested the findings from decades of social research, talked with the nation’s smartest people on marriage, and listened to real life testimonies from countless married couples. I have examined most marriage and relationship books, surfed most marriage and relationship web sites, and reviewed numerous marriage enrichment programs. I’ve been trained in some of the best marriage/relationship programs that exist and participated in strategic discussions for national marriage efforts. I have counseled many couples, taught relationship basics to many more, and trained many pastors and leaders on marriage and family issues.

“Through all my studies and work, one question lingers in my mind. How do the generations raised in a culture with too much divorce and too many broken families capture a vision for their marriage? How do they acquire a vision that helps them experience all marriage has to offer? The Full Marriage Experience is the answer to that question. Before “I Do” was written specifically for pre-engaged, engaged, and newlywed couples to prepare themselves to live the Full Marriage Experience. If my wife and I can live it, most anyone can.”

And we totally agree! This is a terrific tool for anyone considering marrying. You can order it at their web site at www.FullMarriageExperience.com.

Finally, discuss ways you can compromise and come to a better understanding about how you both want these areas in your relationship changed or improved. [You should do this immediately after you answer each question with your prospective mate so you don't get sidetracked away from discussing this for your future lives together.]

Be specific and set some goals.

Dealing With Conflict:

• How did your parents deal with conflict?

• When conflict arose in your family, what happened (silence, withdrawal, explosive anger, open discussion, etc.)?

• How as conflict resolved?

• Did one parent always seem to “win in the end?”

Parenting:

• How was love demonstrated in your family of origin?

• How were you disciplined?

• Was the discipline harsh or suited to the offense?

• Did you live up to your parents’ expectations?

Finances:

• How did you learn about money management?

• Who took primary responsibility for money matters in your home?

• What significant patterns do you have today that reflect your family’s view of finances?

• What was your family’s philosophy or motto regarding money (not what was said, but what was lived)?

Sex:

• Was appropriate physical affection shown in your family?

• Was sex a taboo subject?

• How were nudity and sexual issues handled?

• What was the underlying tone in your home regarding sex and your sexuality?

Communication:

• Was it safe to talk about feelings?

• Who was the communicator in your family?

• Were you expected to “read minds?”

• Could you express your emotional needs and receive a proper response?

In-Laws/Extended Family:

• What role did your grandparents play in your family?

• Was family loyalty important?

• Were there family secrets that were forbidden subjects?

• Who, besides your parents, could you go to for support and understanding?

Recreation:

• Was having fun as a family “legislated” in your home?

• Did you vacation as a family?

• Was it an enjoyable experience?

• What family activities stand out in your mind?

• Was recreation a leisurely experience or just another arena for competitiveness?

Spiritual:

• How was God’s character portrayed in your family?

• Was tradition more important than true relationship with God?

• What one significant message about yourself and about God did you come out of childhood believing?

• Do you feel a true sense of God’s acceptance and love?

We want to thank the authors Don and Jan Frank for being so open and candid in sharing their stories and reaching out to help others who are victimized in their earlier years which can deeply affect their marriages. As Don and Jan demonstrate by the testimony of healing in their lives, you CAN reach out for healing and help so you don’t have to live as victims for the rest of your lives. What the enemy of our faith causes for harm, God can redeem for good!

Reasons for Marriage

Answer the following questions without the help of your fiancé.

1. In your own words, define marriage.

2. Have you thought through your reasons for marrying your fiancé? List 10 of those reasons.
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3. What confirmation do you and your fiancé have that God is calling you together? Please elaborate.

4. Why is this the right time in your life to marry?

5. Marriage is for the mature. List some characteristics and evidences of maturity that you see in yourself and your fiancé.

Expectations and Perceptions of Marriage

A. Without the help of your fiance, list ten expectations you will have of your fiancé when you are married. For example, a husband might expect his wife never to be employed outside the home, to balance the checkbook, to perform all household duties. A wife might expect her husband to be the head of the family, to administer all child discipline, to help with housework or to decrease sports activities with his friends.
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B. Without the help of your fiancé, consider your expectations in the area of household chores. Below is a list of chores. Who will be responsible for the completion of these chores? Mark H for husband, W for wife or S for shared.

• Washing dishes

• Laundry

• Ironing

• Cleaning vehicles

• Washing windows

• Cleaning bathrooms

• Meal preparation

• Collecting trash

• Dusting

• Vacuuming

• Making the bed

• Grocery shopping

• Vehicle maintenance

When meeting with your premarital counselors, take the time to discuss any differences you discover regarding chore and household expectations.

The following are some tips for you and your fiancé to keep in mind:

• Make chores a team effort.
• Decide which chores each person is responsible for.
• Share less desirable chores.
• If there’s a chore that you desire to be completed a certain way, then you should do that task.
• Keep in mind, chores don’t have to be equally divided.

Reactions

[Below is a partial list of the challenges the workbook poses]

How would you react to the following circumstances?

• You and your spouse are scheduled to work opposite shifts.

• Your spouse no longer has time for daily Bible devotions.

• You cannot get along with your sister-in-law.

• You have a communication problem with your mother-in-law.

• Your spouse spends more money on himself/herself than on you.

• You discover that your spouse cannot let go of his/her mother.

• A job change requires you and your spouse to move to the other side of the country.

Our Parents

Families of origin play a vital role when two persons are considering a lifetime together. Discuss your feelings about your parents and your future in-laws by answering the following questions.

1. Have you communicated to your parents your desire to be married? Yes ___ No ___

2. Are your father and mother in agreement with your plans for marriage? Yes ___ No ___

3. Do your parents agree with the length of your engagement and the date of the wedding?
Yes ___ No ___

4. Have your parents expressed any hesitations concerning your desire to be married?
Yes ___ No ___

5. Have your parents met your fiancé’s parents? Yes ___ No ___

6. Do you feel your parents are supportive of the person you want to marry? Yes ___ No ___

7. Are your parents born-again followers of Christ? Yes ___ No ___

8. Will you attend your parents’ church? Yes ___ No ___

9. Have you asked your parents for any wisdom or advice that they may have for you?
Yes ___ No ___ If so, what advice have they shared with you?

10. How can you maintain a spirit of honor toward your parents after you’re married?

11. How often do you plan to visit your parents after you’re married?

12. How will you respond to advice from your parents that you don’t agree with?

13. Are there other matters concerning your parents or your fiancé’s parents that you have questions about?

14. I would like my marriage to be like my parents’ marriage in the following ways:

15. I desire my marriage to differ from my parents’ marriage in these ways:

The above worksheet came from the excellent workbook titled, “Called Together … Ask the Difficult Questions That All Couples Must Answer Before and After They Say I Do” by Steve and Mary Prokopchak, published by House to House Publications. This book asks the difficult questions that all couples must answer before and after they say “I do.”

We were only able to extract a portion of the excellent material that was offered in this chapter; they have additional questions to ask each other that we didn’t include. In this particular chapter there’s also a “Parent Questionnaire” that’s intended to give to your parents to complete and give to your pre-marital counselors to help you work through possible complicating circumstances before you’re married.

The workbook itself also supplies down-to-earth advice and biblical wisdom plus post marital checkups on communication, sexual relations, emotional needs, goal setting, budgeting, forgiveness, and addresses the challenges of remarriage and senior adult remarriage.

• your future mother-in-law;
• your future father-in-law:
• your children’s grandparents;
• your children’s other parent;
• your future nieces and nephews, and all of the rest of your in-laws;
• where you, and your children, will likely spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays for the next fifty years.

The success or failure of your marriage impacts a lot of people. Communicate honestly and clearly on these issues. Your extended family for generations to come will be influenced by your discussions and your decisions.

… It is our hope and prayer that you will have wisdom, patience, and understanding as you ask [each other] and answer these fun, profoundly simple, relationship-defining questions:

1. How often do you feel it is important to go out to dinner rather than cook at home?

2. Describe your idea of an ideal week of evenings. What would you like to do Monday night? Tuesday, etc.?

3. How do you want to celebrate our wedding anniversary each year (in general)?

4. Is there something fun or special you’ve always wanted us to do, but we haven’t yet had the money or taken the time?

5. What do you picture us doing on our first vacation?

6. Ideally, how many children would you want to have? Do you have any preferences about how many boys? Girls? How many years between them?

7. How do you think you would respond if we had a severely disabled child?

8. What are your thoughts and feelings about abortion?

9. What would you do is one of our children wanted to marry someone of another race or ethnic group?

10. How do you feel about birth control? If you think we should use something, what method do you see as the best one for us?

11. How do you think you would feel if we were not able to have children? In that case, how do you feel about adoption?

12. What three things do you expect to be most rewarding about parenting? The three most frustrating?

13. What are the five things you definitely want me to do for and with our children?

14. What do you see as your role as a parent with our children? My role?

15. What would be the five most strictly enforced rules of our house for child discipline?

16. What foundational biblical truths do you think should be stressed in the raising of children?

17. How often should we as parents get away from babies in their first year? How often when the children are older?

18. How do you feel about nursery schools? About day-care centers? What are the advantages? Disadvantages?

19. If it’s a holiday and you want a new outfit, and the baby also needs new clothing, and you can only afford one, who would get the new outfit and why?

20. How much would you guess it costs to care for a baby per month in the first year? (You may want to double-check with a couple who has a new baby, to see if your guesses are in the “ball park.”)

21. What style of discipline would you use with a toddler? Elementary-age child? Junior higher? High schooler? College-age?

22. How do you feel about spanking a child? Under what conditions? With what instrument?

23. What do you think about having our elementary-age children in Sunday School or church? Junior highers? High schoolers?

24. Do you think elementary-age children should be in a public or private school? What about home schooling? What about older children? Why?

25. At what age should a son begin to date? When should a daughter begin to date? What should be our house rules for curfew?

26. How much of a child’s college education should be paid by the parents? Under what conditions?

27. How much freedom and responsibility should children be given at age five? Ten? Fifteen?

28. How do you feel about male or female surgery to avoid having more children? At what number of children, or under what circumstances, would you consider it necessary to take precautions not to have more children?

29. Are there areas in which we may be a bad example to our children? What can we do about this?

30. What does the phrase “Till death do us part” mean to you?

31. Do you see divorce as an option in any circumstances?

32. If there has been divorce in your immediate family, what preventative steps can we take to avoid similar disruptive patterns in our relationship?

33. What would you do if I became totally incapacitated and could never have sex or children?

34. What would be your response if I developed cancer or broke my back and was partially paralyzed?

35. What if our marriage doesn’t turn out to be quite as much fun as you expected it to be?

36. What if my job required me to be away from home a week or two at a time? Do you feel you could handle being alone that much without being tempted to “run around”? Do you feel I could handle being alone?

37. When we disagree with one another, how should we settle it?

38. What do you think about marital counseling? Why?

39. What are your five most positive expectations abut our married life together?

40. What are your five greatest concerns or lingering questions about our married life together?

41. How much television do you watch each day? Mostly what kind of programs do you watch? How do you feel about having the television turned on for most of the day?

42. What’s involved in “romance” for you” How important to you are those elements in our marriage?

43. How often do you think a person should take a shower/bath” Brush teeth? Change the bathroom towels? Vacuum and dust? Wash out the tub?

44. What kind of music do you like? Dislike?

45. What are three of your happiest memories of our life together so far? Why?

46. What couple, whom you know personally, has the most ideal marriage? Why do think it is so ideal? Who could we talk to who would help us understand and deal with our concerns before we actually marry?

47. Deep down, how does your mother feel about our relationship Your father? Brothers and sisters?

48. What words would you use to describe your parents/ marriage and relationship? Why? Your grandparent’s marriage?

49. What are the three things you admire most about each of your parents as a marriage partner?

50. What are three things you admire most about each of your parents as people?

51. What changes would you want to make from your childhood in relation to raising our own family?

52. If one of our parents became widowed or seriously ill, what would you think should be our responsibility to him/her?

53. Do you foresee any of our relatives interfering in our marriage? Who? How? What would we do if that happened?

54. How do you feel about an unmade bed in the middle of the day?

55. Who do you think is responsible to do the following work around the home? Car repairs … Cooking … Fixing things … House cleaning … Ironing clothes … Washing clothes … Christmas tree … Dishes … Grocery shopping … Insurance … Making the bed … Yard work … Other _____________________?

56. What are your three favorite thoughts about making love after we’re married?

57. What are five assumptions you have about how I will make love?

58. What are your taboos or things you do not want to do at all in lovemaking?

59. From your perspective, what are the most important things to be aware of when making love?

60. Are there any “skeletons” of any kind in your past? Bankruptcy, abortion, divorce, arrest, prison time, etc.? (Avoid surprises after saying “I do.” Talk about these things before the final commitment, not on your honeymoon!)

61. Are you a night person or a morning person? How would you suggest we adjust?

62. What would be the advantages of waiting one more year before getting married? What would be the disadvantages?

63. How long do you think we should be married before having children?

Bobb and Cheryl Biehl have been married since 1964. Bobb is the founder and president of Masterplanning Group International and is a charter member of the Focus on the Family board of directors. Cheryl is an author/speaker and a charter member of Trinity Forum. Bobb and Cheryl have two adult children and enjoy scuba diving and European travel as hobbies.

1. Define marriage. What is its purpose?

2. Do you believe that marriage is a contract? Why or why not?

3. How do you think your fiancé would answer these questions?

4. Read the following quotations. After you have read each of them indicate which portions you agree with and which portions you disagree with.

“Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.” (Sydney Smith, Lady Memoir )

“Is marriage a private action of two persons in love, or a public act of two pledging a contract? Neither; it is something other. Very much other! Basically, the Christian view of marriage is not that it is primarily or essentially a binding legal and social contract. The Christian understands marriage as a covenant made under God and in the presence of fellow members of the Christian family. Such a pledge endures, not because of the force of law or the fear of its sanctions, but because an unconditional covenant has been made. A covenant is more solemn, more binding, and more permanent than any legal contract.” (David Augsburger, Cherishable: Love and Marriage )

“Marriage is a system by means of which persons who are sinful and contentious are so caught up by a dream and a purpose bigger than themselves that they work through the years, in spite of repeated disappointment, to make the dream come true.” (Elton Trueblood)

“…Marriage is a relationship between man and woman intended by God to be a monogamous relationship, intended to be a permanent bond in which many needs are satisfied-the need to love and be loved, the need for deep friendship, for sharing, for companionship, for sexual satisfaction, for children, the need to escape loneliness. Marriage ought to be a bond of love, reflecting the love Christ has for His people, a bond of sacrificial love where husband and wife have become one, one flesh, a unity.” (Daniel Freeman, Why Get Married? )

Read Genesis 2:18-25

1. Who originated the marriage institution?

2. What are the purposes of marriage and why was it originated? (See Genesis 1:28; 2:18; Ephesians 5:22-32.)

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3. How is marriage good? (Genesis 2:18; Hebrews 13:4.)

4. What is a “helpmeet,” in your opinion? In your fiancé’s opinion?

5. What does leaving mother and father involve?

6. What do the words “shall cleave” mean?

7. What do the words “they shall be one flesh” mean to you?

8. List six behaviors that you could perform in marriage to promote and maintain the oneness characteristic of marriage.

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9. List three of the most important Scripture verses upon which you would like to base your marriage relationship. (Please use passages other than Ephesians 5:21-33; 1 Corinthians 13; and 1 Peter 3 as most couples automatically look to these. They are important, but think through other important passages that will assist you in establishing the type of marriage you are seeking.)

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Here is another definition of marriage that you may want to consider. The marriage relationship is a school —a learning and growing environment in which (if everything is as it should be) both partners can grow and develop. The relationship grows along with them. If you can see marriage as an opportunity for growth, you can be satisfied and can satisfy your spouse.

Dr. David Hubbard graphically described the marriage relationship when he said, “Marriage does not demand perfection. But it must be given priority. It is an institution for sinners. No one else need apply. But it finds its finest glory when sinners see it as a way of leading us through his ultimate curriculum of love and righteousness.” Have you ever thought about the purpose of marriage in that light before?

Here’s another definition of marriage. Consider it carefully, and then talk over your feelings with your partner: A Christian marriage is a total commitment of two people to the person of Jesus Christ and to each other. It is a commitment in which there is no holding back of anything. Marriage is a pledge of mutual fidelity; it is a partnership of mutual subordination.

A Christian marriage is similar to a solvent, a freeing up of the man and woman to be themselves and become all that God intends for them to become. Marriage is a refining process that God will use to have us become the man or woman He wants us to become. Think about it. God will use your marriage for His purpose. He will mold and refine you for your own benefit and for His glory.

You may be thinking that when you marry there will be two individuals involved in that marriage. That is true, but there is a third party who can give even a greater meaning to your individual and married life — that person is Jesus Christ. In what way will the presence of Jesus Christ in your life make a difference in your marriage?

Read Matthew 7:24-27. This passage is talking about building your house upon a firm foundation. List what you believe are ten firm foundations which will go into making a solid marriage relationship.

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Reasons for Marriage

There are many reasons and motivating factors for marriage. What are yours? Have you ever thought about them? Here are two very important questions for you to answer and then discuss with your fiancé.

1. What will you receive out of marriage that you wouldn’t receive by remaining single?

2. On a separate piece of paper, list the reasons why you are marrying your fiancé. After you have done that, list the reasons why you think your fiancé is marrying you. Then share the results.

Now compare your reasons for marriage with the following list which has been compiled by several specialists in marriage and family life education. These are unhealthy reasons for marriage! If you find that any of these appear either on your list or in your won mind, you should spend time discussing them with your fiancé or your minister.

1. To spite or get back at your parents.

2. Because of a negative self-image —marrying your fiancé will make you feel worthwhile and will give meaning to your life.

3. To be a therapist or counselor to your fiancé.

4. Fear of being left out! Being left as a bachelor or “old maid!”

5. Fear on independence.

6. Marrying on the rebound-you were hurt in a former love relationship and to ease your hurt you immediately choose another.

7. Fear of hurting the other person —you’re afraid of what will happen to your fiancé if you break up even though you know that marriage is not the answer.

8. To escape an unhappy home.

9. Because you are pregnant or your fiancé is pregnant.

10. Because you have had sex.

A few of the positive reasons for marriage:

1. Companionship.

2. To work together and fulfill your own and each other’s needs.

3. To fulfill sexual needs in the way God intends.

4. Love (by love is meant an adequate blending of the various types of love)

5. Because you are convinced that it is God’s will for you to marry this person.

Evaluate your “marriageability” by examining the personality traits of yourself and your fiancé. List eight character or personality traits that you feel would help a marriage.

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Turn in your Bible to Galatians 5:22, 23 and read over the fruit of the Spirit. Would these traits, manifested in a person, give him a greater potential of success in marriage? If so, indicate which of these you manifest and which of them you are still having difficulty displaying.

In addition to utilizing the fruit of the Spirit as a guide for evaluating a potential marriage, eight marriageability traits have been isolated which give a person a greater possibility of having an enriched and satisfying marriage:

1. Adaptability and flexibility —the ability to change and adapt.

2. Empathy —the ability to be sensitive to the needs, hurts, and desires of others, to feel with them the experience the world from their perspective.

3. The ability to work through problems.

4. The ability to give and receive love.

5. Emotional stability —accepting one’s emotions and controlling them.

6. Communication.

7. Similarities between the couple themselves.

8. Similar family background.

The natural inclination is to look at this list and say, “Yes, that’s us. We’re like that and have these characteristics.” If you feel these traits are present, give a specific example of how each of the first 6 traits was manifested in the past two weeks. Then for traits 7 and 8, give examples of the similarity for each one.

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