Do you yell and scream and try to shame him/her into stopping this behavior? Same question applies: “How’s that been working for you so far?”

And then there are the excuses — you’ve probably heard a million of them! “I drink to forget” “I feel better when I drink” “I’ve tried to ‘get on the wagon’ …’every time I fail’” and more.

“Alcoholics offer many excuses — ‘Drinking makes me feel better,’ ‘It calms me down,’ ‘I’m more fun when I’m drunk’ and more — but these explanations only skim the surface of the deeper issues that usually drive and fuel a drinking problem.” (Ashley Michael, from article titled “But I’ve Got Reasons” posted on Troubled with.com)

And what about the promises your spouse has made that “things will be different?” (That is, if you’ve even received such promises!) Perhaps you can relate to the following comments that came from a wife whose husband has a drinking problem:

“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. That must be the most frustrating part of the experience — having Bob look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s through — really done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’

“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From the Question and Answer article “If my husband drinks a lot but doesn’t get drunk, is he an alcoholic?“)

That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it, don’t you think? Your spouse may have good intentions but he/she is in a state of denial both mentally (not facing the truth) and in a state of denial physically (where the needs of the body deny him or her the ability to stop reaching for another drink unless he/she has serious help).

It’s difficult to talk to someone who is in a continual state of denial, as well. That is why you often need help to know how to best work with the situation you have been handed. It comes down to the fact that when you are dealing with a person who is a heavy drinker —particularly if he or she is is drinking at the time, you aren’t speaking to your spouse so much as you are the alcohol he/she is using for numbing purposes — to cope with life in an unhealthy manner.

When you are trying to deal with this type of dysfunctional partner you truly need wisdom and help from someone who isn’t so close to the situation and can give you objective advice.

“A comment I often have clients, who are frustrated with a dysfunctional partner, repeat back to me is:  ‘Do not expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.’

“Learning to get our expectations in line with reality is a first step in dealing with reality. We are often the first person that needs a change of perspective. In therapy we call this ‘re-framing’ the situation.” (Delores Stone, Counselor)

You need to “get real” within yourself and with your spouse. To help you with this, please click onto the web site links below:

• GAMES ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES PLAY

• ARE YOU AN ENABLER?

• WHEN TO TAKE A STAND (Watch Online)

Our first instinct may be to laugh at that “joke” but if you’re the one going through a hormonal change (or you’re married to someone who is going through that change) it’s no joking matter. It’s a pretty serious subject.

There are a lot of things competing to sabotage your relationship with your spouse and one of them is a wife’s fluctuating hormone level (if she is one who experiences this phenomenon).

“It’s not a subject most people like to discuss, but PMS or Pre Menstrual Syndrome can wreak havoc on relationships, especially when it is not recognized. Despite what many people seem to think, hormonal fluctuations throughout a woman’s cycle can be as hard on her as they seem to be on the people in her life.” (Sherry Holetzky)

Hormonal fluctuations can be something that attacks our bodies, emotions and our intimacy on so many levels, and it’s difficult for someone (particularly our husbands) to understand if they’ve never experienced them first hand in their bodies.

I’ll never forget a number of years ago, something that happened, when our sons were younger. I came to the realization that I was anything but a pleasant person when my menstrual cycle came around. So I thought I’d do my husband and two sons a “favor” by explaining that I would give them a “warning” when I was feeling tense, and that for their own good, I advised them to tread lightly for a while. I thought this would be a merciful act.

I remember well, one time when I gave the men of our household a warning to please ease up on their noise level and the manner in which they liked to tease me. I told them that I was struggling to “keep it together” and I needed their help to do so.

Our one son didn’t take my warning seriously because he proceeded to start teasing me right then and there. I immediately “lost my cool” and started screaming. I’ll never forget how he looked at me. All the color drained out of  his face and he looked absolutely shell-shocked. He just mumbled, “I guess you were serious … sorry!”

Yep! I was, and I can tell you that when I gave out my polite warning, no one tested my seriousness after that! We somehow came to an agreement that warnings were to be taken seriously.

One woman writes a solution she’d like to see happen:

“If I was going to invent something for the good of mankind I know exactly what it would be: a pill for men that would let them experience all of our worst PMS symptoms… The trouble is, I fear my plan would backfire. Instead of making them understand what we go through so they’d be more sympathetic, it’d be my luck to give [my husband] the pill and he’d expect me to cater to him. ‘Bring me the heating pad. Get me another Advil. Tuck me in for my nap.’” (Courtney Mroch)

Isn’t that the truth? As much as we may want sympathy and understanding on a different level, it could backfire in various ways —especially for the one who isn’t acting in an “understanding” way.

Another complication caused by these fluctuating hormones, happens to those who are prone towards depression and anxiety.

“While the symptoms of PMS are very familiar to many women, those who have a history of anxiety and depression or who currently suffer from anxiety and depression may notice that the changing hormonal levels during the month bring about increased emotional problems. The week before menstruation is well-known by women and feared by men as being the most emotionally difficult week of the month. That makes for twelve to thirteen ‘difficult’ weeks per year for women of childbearing age.” (Beth McHugh)

Actually, it doesn’t end there … even those who are getting beyond childbearing age battle with “difficult weeks” and even years when Pre-menopause and Menopause comes into play. (Somehow the word “play” doesn’t seem like the appropriate word here, does it?)

To help us deal with these problems and attacks on our bodies, minds and marriages, below are several links to various web sites that have articles posted on this subject. To read them, please click onto the links below.

(And if you have any input, suggestions, or comments, please “Join the Discussion” below this article so we can all benefit from what you have learned and are learning.)

• HOW HORMONES HARM OUR MARRIAGES

• HORMONES AND BEHAVIOR

• BEYOND THE POST-DELIVERY BLUES

• DEALING WITH P.M.S.

• NATURAL TREATMENTS FOR P.M.S.

• MANAGING MENOPAUSE

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

We received a letter here at Marriage Missions that asked us to consider writing about this topic and finding help. She wrote:

“I am in a second marriage and my stepchild has a disability (autism). I know many marriages end in divorce when there is a child with a disability. I am dealing with a second marriage, which is hard enough, but this is one with a stepchild with autism.

“My husband is often in denial about his adult son with autism. I have never seen an article relating to this on any Christian website — I have looked! With so many kids being diagnosed with autism today (for boys it is every 1 in 93 births) and so many marriages ending in divorce I can’t be the only one struggling with this.”

To help those of you who are dealing with marriage challenges that occur when a child in your home is disabled, we have found several articles that we believe you will find insightful. You can read them by clicking onto the links provided below:

• DISABLED CHILDREN

• AN UNEXPECTED GIFT

• THE BLESSING OF PARENTING A CHILD WITH AUTISM

• THE IMPACT OF A DISABLED CHILD ON YOUR MARRIAGE

• CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE AND AUTISM

• UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH MAURA WEIS

We also found a Resource List that will help those dealing with Autism in their family. It is put together by the great ministry of  Joni and Friends Joniandfriends.org.

However, if you are dealing with a different type of disability that is affecting your marriage, you can put that term into their “Site Search” to see what they make available to help you. Please click onto the link provided below to find:

• AUTISM RESOURCE LIST

And for those of you who would like to help your church to help couples who have disabled children, read the following concerning churches that have done this successfully:

• SPECIAL NEEDS

• LET THE CHILDREN PRAY

We would greatly appreciate it if you would share your insights in the comment section provided below to help those who are dealing with various marriage challenges as they raise their disabled children. Or perhaps you are facing challenges in your own marriage and want to reach out in community for prayer and/or advice. We hope you will “Join the Discussion” and share what is on your heart.

For those of you who are feeling this way, we want to encourage you to keep in mind that God does not make junk — people do. All that God created in the beginning had purpose and meaning. He even said, “It is good.” And all He continues to create has purpose and meaning and “is good.”

It is people that mess things up and put a different spin on that which God creates. But if we are “called according to His purpose” —which every child of God can count on, we can “KNOW” “that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.” [See Romans 8:28.] For this reason we can live in confidence that no matter what was done to us in the past (or even in the future) that we are loved “with an everlasting love” and God will redeem that which the enemy of our faith tried and tries to do against us.

Any of us who are a redeemed Child of the Living God, don’t have to hold our heads in shame or feel like we are worthless—no matter what any person or the enemy of our faith may say. Our Heavenly Father loves us and has a wonderful plan for our life. [See Jeremiah 29:11-13.] He can bring beauty out of ashes as we present them to Him. He is our Redeemer.

As a child of the Living God, please don’t entertain the enemy of our faith by allowing your mind to think otherwise. Why bring joy to those who are trying to harm you? God loved you enough to breathe life into your lungs when you were born. And He can take that life away at any time if He decides that it is time. But because you are still here reading this article, it must mean that He knows something you need to know. He has a plan for your life and He ordains that you participate.

He won’t force you to live up to your potential, but as you read the Bible you can see that He wants you to participate with Him in His Kingdom work.

So whatever has troubled you in your life in the past, and whatever is troubling you now, we pray that you will grab the challenge that the Apostle Paul shared in Philippians 3 where he wrote, “I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

What is meant by “forgetting what is behind” is that you aren’t to camp there or live there. You aren’t to keep dwelling on that which will hold you back from going forward with the future God has for you. You see what you were, and what WAS, but you are to PRESS ON to take hold of that which Christ Jesus has for you. At times it is a real battle to get to that place, but it is worth it!

Hebrews 12 says, “Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

Don’t lose heart and allow yourself to give up fighting that which is necessary. Keep in mind that the enemy of our faith does not want any of us to live victoriously —to be an instrument in helping God draw others to Himself — to live in faith in Christ. There is a spiritual warfare involved in trying to get us to think that we are worthless and that even our Heavenly Father doesn’t see any value in us. But that is a lie handed to us from the father of lies, the evil one himself.

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:3-5)

We challenge you to “demolish arguments” that keep you bogged down in a defeated posture in life. God loves you and because of Christ, you can live victoriously.

With this in mind we would like to share with you something that could help you in this battle. It is written by Dr Neil Anderson, and comes from this great book, Victory Over Darkness.

When you feel defeated, remember who you are in Christ — because of Christ! Understanding your identity in Christ is absolutely essential to your success at living the victorious Christian life!

“The more you reaffirm who you are in Christ, the more your behavior will begin to reflect your true identity!” (From Victory Over Darkness by Dr. Neil Anderson)

WHO AM I?
I am accepted!

John 1:12 … I am God’s Child.
John 15:15 … I am Christ’s friend.
Romans 5:1 … I have been justified.
1 Corinthians 6:17 … I am united with the Lord, and I am one spirit with Him.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 … I have been born with a price. I belong to God.
Ephesians 1:1 … I am a saint.
Ephesians 1:5 … I have been adopted as God’s child.
Ephesians 2:18 … I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit.
Colossians 1:14 … I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.
Colossians 2:10 … I am complete in Christ.

I am secure!

Romans 8:1-2 … I am free forever from condemnation.
Romans 8:28 … I am assured that all things work together for good.
Romans 8:31-34 … I am free from any condemning charges against me.
Romans 8:35-39 … I cannot be separated from the love of God.
2 Corinthians 1:21-22 … I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God.
Colossians 3:3 … I am hidden with Christ in God.
Philippians 1:6 … I am confident that the work God began in me will be perfected.
Philippians 3:20 … I am a citizen of heaven.
2 Timothy 1:7 … I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.
Hebrews 4:16 … I can find grace and mercy in time of need.
1 John 5:18 … I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me.

I am significant!

Matthew 5:13-14 … I am the salt and light of the earth.
John 15:1, 5 … I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of His life.
John 15:16 … I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.
Acts 1:8 … I am a personal witness of Christ’s.
1 Corinthians 3:16 … I am God’s temple.
2 Corinthians 5:17-21 … I am a minister of reconciliation for God.
2 Corinthians 6:1 … I am God’s co-worker (1 Corinthians 3:9).
Ephesians 2:6 … I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm.
Ephesians 2:10 … I am God’s workmanship.
Ephesians 3:12 … I may approach God with freedom and confidence.
Philippians 4:13 … I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Other than the above work that was written by Dr Neil Anderson, this article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

An additional article that might also give you insight to live in confidence because of Christ, can be found on the wonderful web site for the ministry of Family Life Today. To read this article, please click onto the following:

• I’M NOT WORTH ANYTHING

• LIES WOMEN BELIEVE

• DO YOU WANT TO BE SET FREE?

It can steal away from you so many of of the dreams you have planned out together and reduce them into living one day at a time instead, trying to cope with each trial the illness brings with it. It can also test the metal of each spouses value system and character traits in what they will be willing to do, in order to help their ailing partner.

“Marriage is two people traveling together, each one more concerned with the other’s well-being than with his or her own” (J.L. Hardesty) The Bible says in Philippians 2:4, “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” It also says, “Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others” (1 Corinthians 10:24).

But when the strained dailiness of living with a very ill partner hits your home, it can be the last thing that comes to mind as far as continually “dying to self” and dying to dreams and “normalcy.” Yet, that is what the vow you gave “to have and to hold in sickness and in health” demands, when illness intrudes upon your marriage.

It is our prayer that there is “such a oneness between you in your marriage that when one of you weeps, the other will taste the salt.” It is our prayer that when illness attacks your home, you will pull together, rather than letting it rip you apart as a marital team. It is our prayer that when each of you is tested through the invasion of sickness, that you will grab onto the strength that God can give you to do what needs to be done for your marriage partner.

“Sometimes ’sickness’ can be the most ‘healthy’ place to be if God is present, because He can change us there” (Myrna Pugh).

To help you in this journey to “health” we have a few links to articles that we pray will minister to your spirits and your marriage. Please click onto the web site links provided below:

•  FACING MY FEARS

• ILLNESS: Living With an Intruder

• MY HUSBAND’S TUMOR: No Guarantees

•  WOULD MY MATE LEAVE ME?

• IT’S OKAY TO LAUGH DESPITE CANCER

When someone in the family gets seriously ill, he/she might be the one infected, but the entire family is affected. Whether it’s disease or chronic pain that has changed your relationship with a loved one, Dr. Phil has advice on how to cope.

TO READ THIS ARTICLE
from the web site for
Dr Phil McGraw
(This is not a Christian web site, but it’s a very good one with common sense principles):

CLICK HERE

What are Panic Attacks?

“Panic attacks are sudden surges of overwhelming fear that that comes without warning and without any obvious reason. It is far more intense than having anxiety or the feeling of being ’stressed out’ that most people experience. One out of every 75 people worldwide will experience a panic attack at one time in their lives.” (From AnxietyPanic.com)

To read more about these “sudden surges” please click onto the web site links we provide below:

• PANIC ATTACK!

• FOR BETTER OR FOR…

• THE TRUTH ABOUT PANIC ATTACKS

It’s a scary thought but as author Jim Killam says:

“Look around you. At work, at church. Chances are very good you’ll see someone who’s battling mental illness. Maybe you only need to look as far as the other side of the bed. … or the mirror.

“Many Christians don’t figure that mental illness could affect their marriages. But it does-in about the same proportions as with the general population. Each year, more than one in five Americans suffers from a clearly diagnosable mental disorder. And, Christian therapists add, more couples need to confront the whole issue rather than assume it’s solely a spiritual problem.”

To read more of what Jim writes on this subject, we have provided a link so you can read an article on the helpful web site of Marriage Partnership Magazine. To do so, please click onto the link below:

• What’s Wrong With Him?

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

• TIPTOEING AROUND ADDICTIONS

• ASK DR DAVID: Confronting Alcoholism and Drug Addiction

To either listen to, or read the transcripts for the following, please click onto:

• KARRIE’S STORY: Sliding into Addiction

Maybe you are struggling with an alcohol or drug addiction. Maybe you have a sexual addiction of some kind. Maybe you have a spending, eating or gambling addiction. Here are some suggested steps to help you understand the causes of addiction and begin the road to recovery.

To discover an answer to this and to learn of support groups, hot-lines, and helpful resources on this subject we will send you to some web sites that will inform you and/or be able to help you. Please click onto the link below to read:

• 10 SIGNS YOU MAY BE CHEMICALLY DEPENDENT

• ADDICTION: What is the Cure?

• GAMBLING RECOVERY

• HELP FOR PROBLEM GAMBLERS

Most people think that when they come to Christ, their bad habits will magically disappear. And some church people act like if you have any bad habits in your life, you must not truly be saved, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Christians or not, we are all people, and people make mistakes. People have bad habits.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve poured your heart out in counseling sessions with your church leaders, stood in prayer lines, repented and vowed to do better. And still found yourself giving into that temptation the next time it presented itself, leaving you asking, “What’s wrong with me?”

Nothing. There is nothing wrong with you. The very fact that you are concerned about it is a good sign. The people who won’t admit they have a problem are those who should worry.

Everyone, at one time or another, struggles with some type of bad habit or addiction. Maybe it’s shopping too much, smoking, drinking alcohol, pornography, coffee, sweets, etc. People don’t want others to know about their problems, so they hide them in the closet, hoping no one will ever find out about their secret. When a problem is hidden in the dark, it will continue to haunt you. But once it is brought into the light—that is when you will be able to overcome it.

A bad habit or addiction is anything that robs you of your time with God —that you feel that you must hide, that hurts your health or the health of others or is against the Word of God.

It is important that we guard what we are feeding the gates of our heart—our eyes, ears and mouth. Looking at pornographic magazines or watching R-rated movies causes those images to enter our eye gates, and once there, our minds store those images for safekeeping. Then at the most awkward moments, it will replay those images. Maybe in your dreams, when you are praising God at church or when you are kissing your girlfriend.

Perhaps you don’t watch anything objectionable. Instead, your vice of choice is heavy-metal or rap music that talk about killing cops and degrading women. At first, you may just think the music has a nice beat, but after awhile, even though, you are not consciously listening to the lyrics, those words —the ones about murder, drugs and sex —will seep into your subconscious.

You will find yourself getting into trouble because you have a shorter fuse than you used to. You will blur the line between right and wrong. You won’t remember why having sex without a marriage license is sinful, why stealing and lying are immoral. All because you didn’t guard over what you let through your eye and ear gates.

How do you overcome the bad habits and addictions in your life?

1. Repent. I John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

If we didn’t struggle with problems in life, there would be no reason to repent. However, we do; so we must ask God to forgive us for our wrongdoings. He is a gracious God who promises to forgive us when we repent. The mistake most of us make is in hiding our sin from God. Somehow we think that we can hide it from the One who sees all and knows all.

Run to God when you slip in your recovery. Run to Him when you sin, because He is on your side. He is not sitting up in Heaven, waiting to pounce on you anytime you make a mistake. That is not who He is. God is love, not hate.

2. Ask God For Help. In II Corinthians 12:9, God tells us “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. Think about that for a moment. In our times of weakness, we can count on God to be strong for us. If we team up with God, we can conquer anything. Romans 8:37 promises that “we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.”

Philippians 4:13 states that “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.”

Never be afraid to ask God for help because without Him, beating a bad habit is like digging yourself out of the bottom of the Grand Canyon. It’s an uphill battle.

3. Make A Decision. “I will” —when said together, those two words can be the strongest words in the English language. Why? Because they denote choice. Even in the Garden of Eden, we find humans making their own choices. Eve could have chosen not to talk to the serpent. She could have decided not to eat the fruit. Adam could have refused the fruit when Eve offered it to him.

Every day we make choices. Will I have the soup or the salad? Will I cheat at golf? Will I give back the extra change the cashier gave me? Every day we make up our minds to do the right thing or to do the wrong thing. But when faced with a choice, humans usually choose the wrong thing because it is easier to give into temptations than to say “no.”

So, we must train ourselves to choose the right option. Whenever you have to choose between right and wrong, take a moment and determine which the wrong option is and which the right is. If you don’t know, ask yourself what would happen if you picked a certain option. If it would result in someone being hurt or in something that is contrary to God’s Word, it is the wrong choice.

4. Find Someone To Talk To. James 5:16 advises us to “Confess your faults one to another that ye may be healed.”

When we leave things in the dark, they continue to have a hold over us. In order to stop this cycle, we must find someone to whom we can confess our habits and addictions. Once it is out in the open, then we begin to heal in that area of our life. Make sure to find someone you can trust to talk to. You don’t want your sins to be broadcast all over your church, your neighborhood or your school. Instead, go to your minister, youth pastor, parents, school counselor or a close friend.

Expose your bad habits and addictions to God’s light, and you will be amazed at how quickly they will crumble under the heat.

The above column was posted on the former web site for women called Sisters in the Lord which was set up to be a magazine on-line for women. Sisters in the Lord was a ministry which provided Christian information, fellowship, and prayer to edify the body of Christ. They were dedicated volunteers helping women on the journey God sets in their lives.

About the Author:
Annagail Lynes has been the editor of Vision Hope News for five years and a freelance writer for ten years. She specializes in writing articles for young adults about dating, school, parents, peer pressure and other youth-related issues.

Not only was the accident traumatic itself, it changed who Floyd was after he gained consciousness. His wife had to learn who her husband had become and learn how to love him none-the-less.

This article is featured on the web site for the terrific ministry of Family Life Today. To read what the Green’s learned through their experiences, please click onto the link provided below:

STARTING OVER

Another article (although it’s not written by a Christian author, nor is it featured on a Christian web site) gives great insight into how to care for a loved one who suffers a traumatic brain injury. As the article says, “An injury irrevocably altered their marriage —but not their love.” Please click onto the link provided below to read:

CARING FOR A LOVED ONE

Krickitt Carpenter didn’t remember the horrible car crash that would forever change her life, or the 18 months of her life before that fateful evening on Thanksgiving in 1993, or her husband Kimmer. To learn about their journey of love and commitment, please click onto the web site link provided below to read:

LOVING A PERFECT STRANGER

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

How do you still love someone who changes in every way possible from the person you married? By the grace of God — and BECAUSE of God, it is possible! It says in the Bible that “all things are possible because of God.”

Seminary president Robertson McQuilkin found this to be true when his wife Muriel was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He talked about his journey in the book, A Promise Kept (published by Tyndale House). He talked of one incident that brought challenges and yet inspired others to reach higher to find a spouse with the type of compassion he gave to Muriel. He wrote:

“Taking care of Muriel was not only challenging when we reached our destination, it was equally challenging en route. I began to empathize with those young fathers you sometimes see in an airport, accosting perfect strangers who emerge from the women’s restroom. ‘Did you see a little six-year-old girl in there?’ Airline attendants watched in well-guarded bemusement as I crowded in with Muriel into the tiny cubicle that houses the in-flight toilet. I knew what they didn’t; if she ever got the door shut —unlikely as that might be —she never could have gotten it open again.

“Once our flight was delayed in Atlanta and we had to wait a couple of hours. Now that’s a challenge! Every few minutes, the same questions, the same answers about what we’re doing there, when are we going home? And every few minutes we’d take a fast paced walk down the terminal in earnest search of — what? Muriel had always been a speed walker. I had to jog to keep up with her!

“An attractive woman executive type sat across from us, working diligently on her computer. Once, when we returned from an excursion, she said something, without looking up from her papers. Since no one else was nearby I assumed she had spoken to me or at least mumbled in protest of our constant activity. ‘Pardon?’ I asked. ‘Oh,’ she said, ‘I was just asking myself, ‘Will I ever find a man to love me like that?’”

What a great witness of what TRUE love involves! It reflects the sacrificial love of God. Robertson also wrote the following that explains this a little further:

“As Alzheimer’s slowly locked away one part of my Muriel, then another, every loss for her shut down a part of me. Ministry was changing, of course, from less public to more private. There was another sense of loss, however, an ache deep inside, as I watched my vivacious companion of the years slip from me.

“Even in this loss, however, I made a wonderful discovery. As Muriel became even more dependent on me, our love seeped to deeper, unknown crevices of the heart. Though she never knew what was happening to her, as I cared for her she responded with gratitude and cheerful contentment.

“It was no great effort to do the loving thing for one who was altogether lovable. My imprisonment turned out to be a delightful liberation to love more fully than I had ever known. We found the chains of confining circumstance to be, not instruments of torture, but bonds to hold us closer.

“But there was even greater liberation’s. It has to do with God’s love. No one ever needed me like Muriel, and no one ever responded to my efforts so totally as she. It’s the nearest thing I’ve experienced on a human plane to what my relationship with God was designed to be: God’s unfailing love poured out in constant care of helpless me.

“Surely he planned that relationship to draw from me the kind of love and gratitude Muriel had for her man. Her insatiable —even desperate —longing to be with me, her quiet confidence in my ability and desire to care for her, a mirror reflection of what my love for God should be.”

What greater demonstration of love could there be — except the love that God demonstrated, when His son Jesus Christ gave up His all to live for us, and sacrifice His life for us!

For the rest of this article we would like to direct you to a true life testimonial (as written by David Boehi) telling more of the life events of Robertson and Muriel McQuilkin after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. We pray it ministers to your heart and to your circumstances. It’s featured on the web site for the terrific ministry of Family Life Today www.familylife.com.

To read this article:

CLICK HERE

—ALSO—

The ministry of Family Life Today, with Dennis Rainey, re-aired a 4 day radio broadcast interview on September 11-14, 2008, titled “A Promise Kept.” During these interviews Robertson McQuilkin talks of how he responded to God and his wife of many years Muriel, after learning that she had Alzheimer’s Disease.

Below you will find web site links where you can choose to either listen to each day of these interviews and/or read the transcripts. To do so please click onto the links below:

•  MY DECISION, PART 1

•  MY DECISION, PART 2

•  WHAT GOD HAS DONE

•  OUR FUTURE

We have learned this from personal experience because Steve is an insulin-dependent Diabetic, and has been for most of our married lives. And Cindy has other physical conditions that restricts a lot of activities that the both of us can be involved in.

One of our friends said one time to us, “I don’t think I could live the way you guys have to live with Steve’s Diabetes.” I told him that years before, that wouldn’t have had to happen because people with Steve’s kind of Diabetes died right away. When you think of the alternative, we’re pretty blessed, even if we live with restrictions!

One thing it has done is it’s helped us to appreciate every day with each other. We never knew if we would be blessed with another day together so we’ve kept “short accounts” as far as being mad at each other and such. With every difficulty we can usually find a blessing behind it.

We’ve also come to realize that it’s opened different doors of ministry as God has led us to use our illnesses as opportunities to witness and also to minister to others who have been afflicted with what we have gone through.

We live a different kind of life, but it’s our life— one in which God has ordained that we participate with Him, and God has taught us to “go with the flow” and glorify Him despite it and in the midst of it.

Below you will find several links to articles and radio programs that are posted on web sites that we pray will encourage you as you reach for whatever victories you can discover despite illness. We pray they minister to your marriage:

The first is an article that gives the true testimony of Charlie and Lucy Wedemeyer and the surprising opportunities for ministry and marital victories they’ve encountered since Charlie was diagnosed with ALS: Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. It is featured on the web site for the ministry of Family Life Today.

SPEAKING FROM THE HEART

Also, the ministry of Family Life Today also aired a two day radio broadcast where:

Charlie Wedemeyer, with the help of his wife Lucy, tells how they’ve remained committed to each other despite the ravages of Lou Gehrig’s disease.

To listen to and/or read the transcript of these broadcasts, please click below:

• STORM STORIES: CHARLIE’S VICTORY – Part 1

• STORM STORIES: CHARLIE’S VICTORY – Part 2

—ALSO—

The ministry of Family Life Today aired a 3 day radio broadcast on other victories despite illness that you may find helpful to listen to and/or read the transcripts.

Imagine if, like a computer, your memory was erased. What would you do? On this broadcast, pastor John Bishop, accompanied by his wife Donna, tells the unbelievable story of battling Aseptic Meningitis, which caused him to lose all his memory. Hear (or read) what he has faced as he relearned how to walk, talk, read and write all over again.

To do so please click onto the links provided below:

•  FORGETTING WHAT LIES BEHIND

•  FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE

•  MAKING NEW MEMORIES

 TESTIMONY:
Remembering Bill Bright

To read or listen to this testimony:

CLICK HERE

But that isn’t to negate what we promised each other in the first place or what God promises. He promises to always be with us. He promises to give us strength when we’re weak. He promises that we will reap a harvest if we don’t become weary in doing good. (See Galatians 6:9-10.) And even if we never see that harvest this side of heaven—to have Christ say to us “well done good and faithful servant” should be reward enough.

When we stick with our spouse and love him/her through the good and the bad—we need to remember that we’re doing this as “unto the Lord” (see Matthew 25:40). We’re giving a drink of cool water to someone who is thirsty (See Matthew 10:42 and Mark 9:41).

[Marriage Missions Editors Note: Below you'll find two separate stories on the subject of loving each other despite sickness in marriage, drawn from the excellent book, For Better, For Worse. They testify of those who have endured times of sickness with their spouse. We pray they'll inspire you and help you!]

Hard Lessons
-by Lenne Kugler-Hunt

Kris became sick about four months after we got married. It was unexpected and disabling and is now in its sixth year. This is not the way I envisioned our marriage. This sort of thing shouldn’t happen to a young man in the prime of his life. And it shouldn’t happen to love. That’s been one of the lessons of his illness—that it was sent by the enemy to steal away Kris’ life and to crush us. It was sent to make love fail.

But a funny thing happened on the way to robbing, killing and destroying —God showed up! I have to admit, I have wished for Him to show up differently from time to time. Of course, my desire is that God would have healed Kris immediately and completely. But He didn’t, perhaps in part because our understanding of healing was so incomplete. The good that God has brought into the situation includes our lessons in perseverance. I learned in a new and fresh way that love involves sacrifice. Kris learned he was worth more than his performance and his ability to work.

I’ve been reminded again and again of the viciousness of the enemy and his commitment to wreaking havoc. But mostly, I’ve been reminded that love, born of God does not fail. It is not weak. Rather, it is purified and strengthened by the fire. Costly though that is, I am grateful for the chance to see love vindicated.

Father, we invite You to shake in us what can be shaken, that what remains would be unshakable. Lord, purify our love. Let it indeed be patient and kind, full of hope and mercy, and a balm for the things that ail us. Amen.

Life Was No Picnic
- by Ginnie Mesibov

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. (Romans 12:2)

“We’re losing him,” I overhead the cardiologist tell his nurse. My husband was lying on a gurney in the emergency room of the local hospital, suffering from the coronary occlusion. The doctor gave him another dose of a new clot-buster drug. It worked. Harold survived his third heart attack.

Life was no picnic in the early years of our marriage. I was the worst person to be married to someone with a severe chronic illness. Handling sickness was not one of my better skills. It was natural for me to panic and over identify with my husband’s problems. When his heart pounded, my heart thumped so loud I could hear it in my ears. When he had difficulty breathing, I gasped for air.

Every crippling problem he faced crippled me even more. I knew I couldn’t continue like this or I’d be dead long before him—from anxiety alone. I literally had to renew my mind and be transformed With God’s help, I gradually changed my thinking.

I changed how I thought about love. Love doesn’t require me to suffer when Harold is suffering. Love requires me to attend, to take care of and to listen to my husband. Loving objectively allows me to serve him without panic.

I changed how I thought about life. Life is difficult and includes suffering. For some reason, God has allowed severe illness to come into Harold’s life and, therefore, into mine. Accepting illness as a part of life and God’s will reduces the accompanying anxiety.

I changed how I thought about my husband. Harold is alive! This is my focus. Despite his ill health, he’s a vibrant man with an engaging personality who is making a viable contribution to society.

In addition to changing my thinking, I changed my activity: We celebrate! We use any excuse for a party—birthdays, half-birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, good health spurts… Our lives are full.

I also changed how I pray. Now I pray more fervently for my husband’s health—his physical, emotional and spiritual health. I pray more earnestly for mine as well, asking God to fill me with His peace. And He has. God is a God who hears and answers prayer.

I’m not a pro at coping with illness; I’m on a learning journey. But today, because of the changes that I made, I can honestly say that life with my beloved husband is a picnic.

Dear God, Thank You for helping me to renew my mind. It is by Your power that I am being transformed into a woman who can handle adversity and be at peace. May I continue to trust in Your love, knowing that Your will is best for the both of us. Amen.

The above true-life articles can be found, along with numerous others, in the book, “For Better, For Worse” compiled and edited by Marlene Bagnull, published by Christian Publications, www.christianpublications.com. What’s so wonderfully unique about this book is that it even has a section dealing with illness within marriage. You don’t find that subject being addressed very often. Part of the reason for this is because of the book’s format. It goes through each part of the wedding vows (”To Have and to Hold, For Better or for Worse, For Richer, or for Poorer, In Sickness and in Health, Forsaking All Others, To Love and to Cherish, Till Death Do Us Part”) and has numerous true stores about real people—who are choosing to live out the vows they made on their wedding days. As the editor Marlene Bagnull said,

“Their choices, same as ours, aren’t always easy. The temptation to put our own spin on the promises we made is always present:

• To have and to hold… and to control.
• For better or worse… as long as there’s more better than worse.
• For richer or poorer… but love doesn’t pay the bills!
• In sickness and health… but I didn’t sign on to be a doctor or nurse.
• Forsaking all others… but can’t I at least look?
• To love and to cherish… when that’s how my mate treats me!
• Till death do us part… You mean there’s no escape clause?”

Today some couples do write their own vows, but the key word commitment, may not be included or taken seriously. After all, we live in a free country and we have a “right” to be happy. But marriage is about so much more than “living happily ever after” as you can read about in this book. We love true stories that we can learn through and this book is packed with them!

Attention Deficit Disorder is not a disease, and people who have it are in no way “sick.” It is a difference—a big difference—in the way the brain handles information. While most people think in a one-thing-at-a-time way, the ADD person takes in everything at once. Sometimes they overlook the trees because they see the forest. This can be frustrating for a non-ADD partner who doesn’t understand the ADD thought process. However, communication is one area where people with ADD shine; it is well worth learning a few special skills so that you and your ADD spouse can understand each other. (Rick Fowler)

And that’s what we want to give you a glimpse of in this article. While we can’t possibly give you all of the information you need to handle living with an ADD spouse, we can at least give you some help through the insightful writings of psychologist, Dr Rick Fowler, who has ADD. Dr Fowler, along with his wife Jerilyn, wrote the book, Honey, Are You Listening.

Please Note: We’ll give you more information at the bottom of this article so you can possibly obtain the book. And after that, we have a web site link to a magazine article written about Rick Fowler and his wife Jeri that could help you further.

But for now, we’d like to do something a bit different in this document where we include quotes from the book so you can both learn things about Adult ADD and also get a “flavoring” of what’s contained in the book itself. We pray you will find it helpful. Here is a sampling of what he writes:

• It seems that often an ADD adult will choose a non-ADD logic freak for a partner and soul mate. In many ways the ADD mate and non-ADD spouse complement each other. Unfortunately, too often they each find the other’s differences irritating, especially as time unfolds and the relationship matures. Married persons tend to polarize. That is, instead of becoming more like each other, the two partners often take extreme positions as if balancing an invisible teeter-totter. One becomes more responsible as the other grows more reckless; one becomes more solemn as the other grows more carefree. They spend their life together trying to fix the faulty partner.

The most difficult relationship an ADD adult can attempt is to team up with a perfectionist. Picture an accountant who must reconcile books to the penny working with an accountant whose motto is, “If it comes out within five bucks, it’s balanced.” In my marriage counseling I have seen many divorces result from this attempted wedding of the perfectionist and the ADD adult. My experience suggests that perhaps 20 percent of all marriages problems stem from ADD tendencies in one of the spouses.

Married over 36 years, we have learned by trial and error to forge a relationship that works past the problems. Ours is not a happy-ever-after story; it is a we’re-hanging-in-there story that gets easier and better as time goes by. We’ve each accepted the changes we must make individually in order to create a successful marriage that by all rights should have failed, and it succeeds well.

The ADD person must make significant changes. So must the spouse. The non-ADD spouse must go the extra mile to tactfully help the ADD mate compensate for his or her differences. The ADD mate also has a long mile to walk, making changes, adjusting to the realities of the majority world. Is the effort worth it? Absolutely! It is impossible for some people—that is, have some couples drifted past the point at which repair is possible? We don’t think so.

A FEW THOUGHTS TO CONSIDER:

• ADD adults seem to have a special touch for goofy humor. Sometimes our joking gets a little raw, even hurtful.

• ADD individuals tend to think a sentence or two ahead of what they’re saying. The brain gets ahead of the mouth, so the mouth quits before a sentence is finished and starts the next sentence, trying to keep up. Our handwriting is usually poor for much the same reason. We think faster than our hand can form the letters.

After years of marriage, the non-ADD mates can sometimes understand us even when we fail to complete the thought. But we must never assume our mate already has that skill! If the thought is incomplete, the non-ADD mate ought to call a halt and ask the spouse to rephrase, repeat, and recast the thought. The idea is to communicate. Half a loaf may be better than none, but half a thought is a thought not communicated.

• SARCASM: You can expect it, actually. Because we let feelings surface, anger floats right to the top. Mix an irreverent sense of humor with a short fuse, and you’ve got sarcasm. … Down at the very deepest level, sarcasm is an expression of control and insecurity. If by my acid tongue I can control your feelings and run you down, especially in public, I’m in charge of the situation, and control is a big, big issue with ADD adults. We’ll get it any way we can, and a caustic wit is one of the tools that comes easiest for us.

For the longest time, Jeri let my sarcasm, both intentional and unintentional, hurt her. She suffered in silence to the detriment of us both. Now she knows better. There are two ways in which the non-ADD mate can be of help.

• Don’t let snide comments go unchallenged. Refusing to let such comments slide is really hard to do. Jeri has learned she must say something like, “I feel as though you’re trying to hurt my feelings by [making fun of my comment], [joking at my expense], [belittling me], [fill in the blank], I won’t accept that.” …In any case, don’t carry a grudge. That’s lethal to any relationship, especially a marriage.

• Be forgiving. Forgiveness should be extended by both partners, of course, but it will be especially difficult for the offended loved one. Jeri has had to forgive me a million times over. And I have forgiven her. It’s an ongoing process, not a once-and-done thing. There can be much to be forgiven, for above all, we ADD adults are, to quote the old saying, bulls in china shop conversationally.

• SCATTERED THINKING: Although we can often focus intensely on a particular subject, most of the time our thoughts fly like buckshot from a sawed-off shotgun. And the farther from our interest the target is, the broader the pattern. Our minds are often bounding off in three or four directions at once. …Scatter-shot thoughts don’t damage communication when the level of communication is not intense or deep.

But at home, when the non-ADD mate is trying to get an in-depth discussion going on a topic of limited interest to the ADD spouse (upcoming dental appointments or the leak in the back porch), that scattering of thoughts can be maddening.

How can the non-ADD mate combat it? Bring the conversation back to the subject, over and over if necessary, until the salient points are worked out.

• SHARING FEELINGS: Sharing feelings is very hard for a lot of people. Yet if you stuff your feelings, you block communication. Jeri did that a lot in the beginning. In her desire to prevent friction, she let me go my merry way without telling me how my words and actions really affected her. She had to learn to open up, to make herself vulnerable. The ADD mate is not going to pick up messages about feelings—or anything else—spontaneously.

You’ve often heard that one of the big problems in many marriages is that each spouse assumes the other can read minds. You hear things like, “Well, if he really loved me, he’d know I don’t like such-and-so.” “I so want her to do this-and-that! Why won’t she?!” It takes a while for some people to realize that mental telepathy gets them nowhere.

The ADD adult isn’t going to bother sending out any telepathic messages, but pretty quickly you will know how that person feels about something. Jeri claims I hang it all out like wash on a line.

Sometimes the gift for expressing feelings backfires when it is matched with the ADD adult’s natural impulsivity. Often feelings are shared instantly with whoever is handy.

Happy? Tell the world! That’s okay unless you’re at a funeral. Angry? Dump it on whoever is handy. Unfortunately, you can burn a lot of innocent people that way. The ADD adult goes away feeling fine. He got it off his chest. But the dumped-upon victim is often hurt and furious.

The non-ADD mate can help out a lot here. He or she can deal with this Jekyll-and-Hyde aspect of expressing feelings in a couple of helpful ways.

Let the ADD mate know that he or she is speaking inappropriately. We don’t recognize what’s inappropriate, but we want to know. Arrange a signal. It can be a kick in the shins, a loud “Harumph,” or a couple of tugs on the ear. Whatever. Work something out. This will save both the spouse and the ADD mate potential embarrassment and problems.

Of course, the other side of this coin is that the ADD mate has to decide in advance to accept the spouse’s judgment call as being accurate. It’s really easy to brush off the spouse’s subtle or not so subtle signals.

Don’t assume mind reading. Open up. It took Jeri ten years to realize she had to change in this respect, and she still struggles with it at times. She still wants to back off from confrontation or friction, even though she knows absolutely that it’s neither wise nor healthy to do so.

Remind your ADD mate to stop and think. Let’s face it, we ADD adults all too frequently blurt out our thoughts and feelings. We need our spouse’s good ear and common sense at times we least think about it. We’re not going to remember, “Think before you speak” when we’re all wrapped up in a conversation, even though we very much wish we could. We’re just not wired that way. Our spouse can perform a real service by hauling in the checkrein.

• GETTING PAST COMMUNICATION BARRIERS: The non-ADD mate tries to be sensitive to an ADD-mate’s feelings about control. “Why should I be sensitive to her needs,” the non-ADD mate asks, “when she is so insensitive to mine?”

From a human point of view, that’s not a bad question. The answer of course, goes right back to the description of love in 1 Corinthians. Consider also the golden rule. It’s not, “Do unto others because they do unto you. Nothing good happens in a marriage (or any other relationship) when the two persons are keeping score.

Control is a big, big issue with ADD adults. We have so little control over so many areas of our life that we grasp every shred of it we can. Then we guard it with everything we have.

Am I overstating the problem? No. Everyone seeks a measure of control in their life, so control becomes an issue in any marriage in ADD partner’s unions, expect it to cause some conflict. Here’s how to minimize the problems.

Let’s face it. Without Jeri’s sound advice and help from time to time, I’d be sunk. I know it. She knows it. I need her steadying hand, her wisdom to tell me when I’m goofing up. Yet when she calls me on some infraction or expresses concern about something I’ve done or failed to do, I feel threatened. Here’s this woman trying to control me.

So I have specifically given her permission to point out the faulty behaviors she sees in me. She phrases her corrections for example, like this: “you asked me to tell you when you are [riding this subject too hard] [annoying Mrs. Jones] [not finishing the job I asked you to do] [whatever]. Well, you are.”

Do you see? By giving her permission, I retain control without losing the value of her insight. And because she reminded me that I had given her permission, she is not nagging. The ADD mate must give this blanket permission to the person whose guidance he or she needs. And the non-ADD spouse must remind the mate of that permission.

Part of the subject of control in a relationship is surprises. I hope the non-ADD mate can understand that as much as ADD folks love variety and spontaneity, we hate surprises. Surprises are beyond the ADD adult’s ability to control. Nearly all surprises are nasty to us.

Jeri threw me a surprise birthday party once. She never tried something like that again, but she was really hurt by my cold, even angry response. I walked into this preplanned event and found myself being swept along; everybody but me knew what was supposed to happen next. That was both scary and intimidating. I reacted from the gut, as always, and my reaction was negative.

During the first ten years of our marriage, I got angry if any little thing was changed without my knowledge. Jeri couldn’t even rearrange the furniture without irritating me. It seemed to her, and rightly so, that I had some sort of executive privilege to be spontaneous, changing plans (or furniture layouts) on the spur of the moment, but she did not. In a way, she was right.

We finally figured out what bothered me was the surprise. Easy fix. Now she simply mentions in advance about some change she’s going to make. Using rearranging the furniture as an example, she might say, “I think I’m going to change the furniture around this afternoon.” She’s not asking permission. She’s not testing the waters. She’s simply dulling the surprise element.

This kind of solution probably will not be communicated in the course of normal give and take. Often neither spouse understands what’s causing friction between them. Sometimes talking is not the cure-all answer.

In the case above, where Jeri inadvertently scared and intimidated me and I inadvertently spoiled her happiness with my response, talking about it probably would not have brought enlightenment for either of us. It’s worth a try—never ever would I suggest you don’t even try. But let’s assume that in your case, talking it out is fruitless. Even after words pass back and forth, neither of you knows what happened or why.

There are a couple ways to go from there. One is to ask counsel from someone who understands ADD people and can offer insight. Possibly all you need is another person’s fresh, objective look at the problem.

Another way to get past such an event is simply to forgive and forget. It happened. It wasn’t supposed to go that way. You both regret it didn’t go better. Put it away after you forgive each other. Not every lesson in life “takes.” Count this situation as one of the ones that didn’t.

The above article comes from the very helpful book titled, Honey, Are You Listening, written by Dr Rick Fowler and Jerilyn Fowler, published by Fair Havens Publications. There was a lot more we would have loved to share with you concerning Adult Attention Disorder and how if affects marriage, but to honor the book’s copyright we instead encourage you to find a way to obtain this book if you’re dealing with this disorder in your marriage.

In this book, Rick and Jerilyn, his wife of over 36 years, share proven and practical tips for dealing with the sometimes exasperating traits of an ADD partner. Also, they share insights into how they raised their son, Chip, who takes after his ADD father. They show you how to turn those unique ADD qualities into benefits that will lead to a more intimate, satisfying family relationship. We highly recommend this book!

To read another article on the subject of Attention Deficit Disorder and marriage, click on the link provided below:

• DEARLY DISTRACTED

-ALSO-

The Dr Phil Show aired an interesting program which featured Attention Deficit Disorder and how it affected marriage (plus helpful information to improve marriages where this disorder is causing problems). To find out more, please click onto the link provided below.

(But first we must warn you that this is not a Christian web site so please know that you may read some information that may not be consistent with scripture. Over-all, we find most of the information helpful —so just glean what you can use and throw that which you can’t or shouldn’t use out. Seek God’s heart to be spiritually wise and discerning):

• ADHD AND MARRIAGE

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

I knew I was making my husband’s life a living hell, and I was in a constant state of confusion and frustration. It took a lot of patience for my husband to live in the same house with me, and it took a lot of patience to make him understand how to respond to me.

Everybody gets depressed, and when you look at the numbers, it seems like everyone on earth has some form of mental illness. Sometimes healing from mental anguish can be found in a romantic weekend away, a couple of days off work, or a few counseling sessions. But my mental health issues were rooted much deeper, and all the quick fixes I tried seemed to make things worse.

Because I didn’t understand the full scale of what I was dealing with, my husband was at an even greater loss because of my erratic moods and behavior. It was hard for him to live with someone who was a doting wife one minute and a plate-throwing lunatic the next. A lack of understanding on both our parts almost made him walk out the front door (as plates and silverware crashed against the walls in the background!)

…Depression is what robs my joy. It’s not just a feeling of being sad or wanting to take a day off work to sleep; it’s this sense that all of life is absolutely bleak and hopeless and nothing you do will ever change that. My sense of reality and my ability to reason virtually disappear.

On a “typical” bad day, I know that tomorrow is a new beginning, and I believe that God allows everything to work together to fulfill some grand plan of His. But when I’m clinically depressed, there are no tomorrows. And worse yet, I don’t care. Instead of feeling that I have something to offer the world, I start believing the world would be better off without me. I am hyper-aware of all my flaws, bit and small, past and present. There have been times when the only thing holding me back from suicide was a deep fear of hell and my theological confusion in that area. Note that I didn’t say my hope in Christ held me back. No, it was fear that held me back.

For a long time, my depression absolutely alienated my husband because I retreated and wouldn’t discuss it with him. I told other friends when I was feeling desperate, but I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want him hovering around me. I mostly wanted to be left alone. I didn’t think I could stand to hear him constantly asking, “Are you OK? How are you feeling today?” So I shut the door in his face, crawled under the blankets, and disappeared.

Married Life, Scary Life

One of my most amazing feats in life was convincing my husband that I was a normal person. He knew about my past when we were dating—the depression, the suicide attempts in high school, the abuse, all of that. But he was under the impression that after many years of counseling and taking antidepressants, I was healthy again. He didn’t know that just weeks before we met, I had been suicidal again.

At first, there was no intended cover-up going on. Falling in love with Scott brought a lot of joy and excitement to my world, as well as new friends and situations. Everything seemed fresh and wonderful, and I was genuinely happy. I had down times, but I loved being with Scott and I was looking forward to our life together. I built my world around him, and I was in a love-induced haze right up until we got married.

But after the wedding, reality kicked in. As the newness wore off, the old familiar feelings of emptiness came back in full force, and they were so strong I couldn’t hide them anymore. My husband had no idea that his sweet loving bride could turn into a raging psychopath.

The first time he encountered “The Wrath of Julie” was just a few months after we were married. We had invited another couple over for dinner. I had worked so hard cleaning the house, and I’d done all the grocery shopping for the elaborate (and probably too difficult meal I had planned. But there was a snowstorm forecast to hit that night, and our friends, who lived about an hour away, called to say they weren’t coming because they didn’t want to take the chance of getting stuck in bad weather.

I had been unable to sleep for about a week straight. Planning a huge meal and making the house look spotless gave me something to do as my thoughts raced and my body fought to find rest. But when I found out our friends weren’t coming, I lost it. It was mild disappointment and severe exhaustion combined, and the weight of it made me snap.

Poor Scott, I’ll never forget the look on his face as I knocked over one of our dining room chairs and said horrible things. But that’s just where the rampage began. For the next several minutes, I yelled and cursed, throwing things, hitting things, kicking things, all while my husband stood in the exact same spot with his mouth hanging open, speechless. As Scott looked around the kitchen in horror, my rage turned into shame, and I ran to our bedroom, crying hysterically.

I tried to explain to him that I couldn’t help it, or that it certainly felt that way. It felt like a huge surge of anger. I could tell when it was coming, but I didn’t know how to stop it. I didn’t want to react like that. I knew it was wrong, and it always zapped me of so much energy, but I felt powerless over it. It had always had a grip on me, and I actually felt even less in control of my temper when I was younger. I told my husband these things, but I know if the tables had been turned. I was a frightening force to be reckoned with.

Learning the Ropes

My husband grew up in a family that never yelled. I didn’t believe him at first, because in my family you weren’t having a conversation unless you were trying to “one-up” the other person in decibels. The first time I went ballistic—when our friends canceled our dinner plans because of a snowstorm—my husband just stood there in the corner, looking like he had just watched me tear the head off a chicken with my bare hands.

My mother would have walked away, or even engaged in the action if the mood permitted, but my husband didn’t have any idea how to handle it. It all seemed so childish and pointless to a man who didn’t even raise his voice—in fear or anger—when his car once slid off the road on a patch of ice in the middle of a densely wooded area.

The first few times I had an angry outburst, Scott remained calm and either grabbed the car keys and went for a drive or excused himself to another part of the house. Although he didn’t react at first, he didn’t get over it right away either, even after I apologized and tried to make amends. He stayed quiet for the rest of the day and avoided talking to me any more than necessary.

But eventually, after living through too many of my “episodes,” something about my anger brought out the anger in him, and he learned to yell back.

When he yelled back and fed me sarcasm, it made everything worse. It was as if he was pouring gasoline on what was already a raging inferno. That was how we started having screaming matches.

He told me I was crazy, that he didn’t care if we stayed together or not. One time, when I had been at home unable to go anywhere for nearly a month after a car accident, I was on edge from being cooped up in the house for so long. Neither of us can remember what sparked the argument, but we both remember the angry, vulgar words that Scott shot back. It was not a manic episode, but Scott by then expected the worst and reacted to it out of self-defense.

When I was in a depression, Scott handled that much better. Even with all the animosity in the house, Scott had mercy on me when I was sad. It was as if my tears melted his heart, and he came to my rescue like a superhero. I know that part of what held us together was my need to be cared for and his need to care for me.

That may sound old fashioned, and many modern-day therapists would disapprove of such sentiment, but it is what the “for better or for worse” part of the marriage vows are all about. He knew he was designed to comfort me, and I knew I was designed to be comforted by him. But it was hard staying in those roles, and after turning to my husband for support a few times, I stopped going to him. I felt like a giant burden to him when I was in a downward spiral.

People who don’t have to live with depression (or who are in denial about their own) go out of their way to “fix” things. In my experience, the idea is either to exhaust oneself by trying to cheer the depressed person up (which is usually impossible, since mood is not the cause of the chemical imbalance, the chemical imbalance is the cause of the mood), or to shake them and “snap them out of it.”

How many times have you heard people say, “I think so-and-so could pull himself up by his bootstraps and snap out of it if he wanted to”? The first idea that it’s possible to cheer a clinically depressed person up is seldom ever possible, and the second idea that depression sufferers just need to “get over it” is ignorant. I don’t particularly want to deal with either false notion, so I pull away and try to get over it on my own. No, my husband never implied either to me, but I knew he couldn’t understand what I was going through. I assumed, however wrongly, that he was thinking all of those things.

For a long time I told nobody how I felt, or I called my friend in Georgia, or I confided in a coworker that things were not going well, but I said nothing at home. I knew when I was depressed—it was obvious. But I didn’t want to talk to him about it. He has always held up his end of the bargain, trying to reach out to me in my sorrow. One of my greatest sins as a wife is that I haven’t always reached back.

Peace at Last

For almost two years now, an older Christian woman has mentored me. I have always felt comfortable sharing my heart with her, and she knows she has permission to be brutally honest with me whenever necessary, even though sometimes I give her a hard time about it! Almost from day one, as soon as I told her the sad state of my marriage, she encouraged me to seek professional help again and stop trying to go it alone.

I humored her but never took any action until that night in February when Scott and I had to make a final decision about our future. I vowed to him I would get healthy, I may always be bipolar, but I can take steps to make things better, and it’s not fair that my husband had to put up with the unnecessary stress that could have been alleviated a long time ago.

…I started seeing a doctor who prescribed me Lithium, a mood-stabilizing drug that leveled me out and, best of all, helped me get some much-needed sleep.

I can’t explain how much better I feel and how much happier my marriage is now. My husband tells people that I’m “a delight to live with,” which is much nicer than overhearing him on the phone saying, “I don’t know how much longer I can live like this!”

I still get mad sometimes—I’m a human being. And I’m a woman, which means every so often I’m prone to grouchiness, which has nothing to do with BP. Being the sweetheart that Scott is, he tells me that he thinks the changes in me came directly from God doing a work in my heart, not so much the counseling or the medication. I say it was a combination of both. God certainly sent me to the right people at the right time, no matter how you choose to look at it.

Yes, I have Bipolar Disorder, and yes, I take medication, but I don’t want to skip out on driving home this point: I was an angry person. I was angry about my past, angry that I had let my past seep into my adulthood, and angry that my marriage was unhealthy. Medication cleared my head enough for me to realize and accept this, and counseling has helped me deal with it.

If you’re a married person who struggles with anger, then you understand the frustration of not being able to win, no matter what you do. If your spouse tries to be comforting and soothing, you get angry because you feel like they’re minimizing your anger. If they fight back, you get angry because you can’t believe they have the nerve to engage with you. If they simply walk away, you fault them for being a wimp who doesn’t want to face you. But somewhere in the mix, there is a lesser evil. The key is finding the lesser evil and coming to an agreement with your spouse over how you are going to utilize that.

For example, as illustrated above, when I’m angry, I’m not easy to please. Any reaction is bound to make me angry—initially. But as it turned out, when my husband responded to me in love—acknowledging that I was angry and actually hugging me (which is a lot like willingly stepping into a minefield, I have to admit)—while I got angrier at first, I eventually couldn’t deny that he was making a strong effort and that I was the one acting like a jerk. His love and physical touch defused my rage, which goes along with the theme of 1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” In my case, it was to be taken literally!

My husband and I have had many conversations about this topic. He knows that walking away from me or (worse yet) getting in the car to leave is like fanning an open fame. And arguing back just opens the door to more hurtful words on both sides. It isn’t easy to wrap your arms around someone who is verbally attacking you (or attacking inanimate objects), but my husband knows this is the most painless way of dealing with me. Does he always do it? No. He’s human. It’s still easier to walk away or lash out. But his efforts have made a big difference in our home.

What he does for me is the essence of selflessness. It’s extremely important that you and your spouse know how to deal with anger issues. If you can’t work it out on your own, just between the two of you, don’t be afraid to seek help. We did, and we haven’t regretted it for a minute.

I still get angry when I spend too much time dwelling on who I used to be, but there are more good times than bad ones now. When I know my mind is psychologically cycling (I can always tell), I try to give people fair warning, especially my husband. Still, even when I am cycling, I am able to control myself and not go to extremes as much as I used to. It is very rare that I become so angry I get enraged, and it’s also very rare that I contemplate harming myself anymore. And the fact that I was able to write this book, after a lifetime of not being able to finish anything I started, was a major victory for me.

Being a Good Spouse under Bad Circumstances

Shortly after I conducted the Internet survey for the premarital counseling article I was writing, I conducting a survey about the impact mental illness has on marriages. I got some very honest and moving responses, and both Scott and I could relate to all of them.

Possibly the most important response I received came from a woman my age whose marriage had ended in divorce due to her struggles with depression:

If you suspect something may be wrong, DO NOT ignore it or discount it. I have to live every day for the rest of my life knowing that I destroyed our marriage and that it could have easily been prevented. I’m not huge on the psychosocial sciences, but some things are just too important to ignore. Don’t expect to fully understand how they are feeling; sometimes it’s just not possible.

…Reassure them with your love. Don’t withhold yourself from them because you don’t understand. That was one of our downfalls. James didn’t understand what I was going through so he withdrew from me, which just made it worse. Remain committed, no matter what. Even if you don’t “feel” love for them, your job as their spouse is to show them God’s love. So at the times when it’s hardest to love them, just resolve to show them God’s love. And never stop praying for them.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

You can’t expect your spouse to understand your emotional problems if he doesn’t have them himself. You have to really experience it to “get it.” But you have to work toward keeping an open line of communication and be willing to explain your illness to your spouse. After all, he can’t help you if he doesn’t know what he’s dealing with.

Those lines of communication flung open wide after we started to realize that it wasn’t just my problem, or just his problem, but a problem that we shared. Part of being “one” means dually carrying each other’s burden.

[Marriage Missions Editors Note: Following the book review from the great book, Adventures in Holy Matrimony, we will include links to other articles on this subject.]

As you read about Julie and her husband Scott’s beginning to their life together, you’ll find great advice and encouragement for your own adventure —including how to never, ever quit. As Julie says,

“I had these grandiose dreams about marriage, which were not entirely unlike the dreams of any other young woman. I had my entire wedding planned out by the time I was twelve, right down to the flavor of the filling in the cake. Every love song on the radio evoked that first dance…

“I can’t tell you how many people tried to warn us that it wasn’t always going to be a dream come true. We just didn’t want to listen. Anyone who told us anything other than what we wanted to hear was promptly shut out and dismissed as trying to ruin the great thing we had… We should have listened. It turned out that married life was a trial by fire. We went from whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears at the reception to practically wringing each other’s necks in the bedroom.”

Julie goes on to explain that her

“husband’s medical condition began to affect his ability to have sex almost immediately after their wedding. That caused frustration for both of them, physical communication broke down, and other forms of communication quickly followed. Scott got sicker. Jobs were lost. Surgeries were had. Bills piled up. And the newlyweds drifted apart.

On top of these ‘external’ forces pulling them apart, Julie and Scott were also carrying a fair amount of internal baggage in the form of difficult childhoods, different sexual histories and shared sexual missteps, and bipolar disorder. These ‘internal’ forces also worked against the union and Julie shares them all with a refreshing honesty.”

We love what one reviewer said of this book because we couldn’t say it any better ourselves:

“ADVENTURES IN HOLY MATRIMONY isn’t your typical ‘rah-rah’ book about marriage. It’s actually a lot more useful (and hopeful) than most of those books. The problems in the Fidler marriage aren’t sanitized or presented in a certain light just so they can be neatly resolved at the end. And because of that, anyone in a less-than-perfect marriage is going to recognize themselves here and take away this message: if Julie and Scott are making it work, my partner and I can too.

That’s the hope part. The useful part comes in the form of reflection questions at the end of each chapter and practical advice on things like newlywed finances and what it will really take to patch the holes in troubled relationships.”

[Marriage Missions Editors Note: Following the book review from the great book, Adventures in Holy Matrimony, we will include links to other articles on this subject.]

To learn more about Bi-Polar Disorder, we recommend that you read the following articles which are posted on other helpful web sites:

To do so click on the links below:

• UNDERSTANDING BIPOLAR DISORDER

• I WAS MARRIED TO JEKYLL AND HYDE

• Frequently Asked Questions about Bipolar

• I BATTLE BIPOLAR DISORDER
  

We know from personal experience that the Word of God, the Bible, can help you, comfort you, and instruct you as you persevere THROUGH this dark time of your life.

That’s why we’re excited to have found a Bible Study—put together by professional counselor John Thurman. We believe God will use it to help you in your journey to find the help you need.

To get to this Bible Study, we will take you to John’s web site.

To do so click onto the link below:

Overcoming Depression: Bible Study

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

Depression can totally paralyze you from doing that which you want to do, and that which you know you should do. It seems to possess your life for the period of time that you’re caught within its grip.

Here at Marriage Missions, we receive countless letters from so many people who are either battling depression or are trying to help their spouse who is caught up in its horrible stronghold. They’re crying out for some type of relief, and help, and understanding.

How we wish we could ease everyone’s pain that is being affected and infected from the devastation that depression causes— but we know that’s not realistic!

Yet, even though we may not be able to take away everyone’s pain or even give a DEFINITE answer of what to always do when you or your loved one is under attack in this way, we came across a really good article (which came from a book) that might give you SOME type of help.

In order to honor the copyright of this article (and the book) we’re going to provide a link for you to be able to read what it says by sending you to the web site Troubledwith.com which is part of the wonderful ministry of Focus on the Family.

To read the article, click on the link below:

Using the Weapon that Depresses Depression 

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
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You may be able to relate to what author Cheri Fuller said about her experience in trying to help her depressed husband. She writes:

“I tried everything I could think of to cheer him up. I pointed out all the positive things he did, such as being a great dad or helping other people. I encouraged Holmes to look ahead to a family trip we’d planned, but that didn’t help, either. As the months rolled into years, neither my encouraging words nor my hard work to take up the slack in our income seemed to make a difference.” (From the article, “When Your Husband Struggles with Depression,” see link below to read more)

One husband, as quoted by Carolyn MacInnes, admitted that his concern for his depressed wife turned into frustration,

“I’d ask again and again what was wrong, but she never had an answer. Not only was I aggravated by my feelings of helplessness, I was angry the life I’d worked so hard to provide wasn’t enough to make her happy.”

His wife added,

“And the more angry he got, the more he’d withdraw from me. Then I’d feel guilty and withdraw even more. We just kept drifting further apart.” (From the article, When Your Spouse is Depressed; see link below to read more)

Can you relate to this wife and/or this husband and what they’ve lived through with their depressed spouse? Below you will find links to different articles located on various web sites that will aid you in being a supportive spouse and give you direction as to how to help your loved one emerge out of the darkness of depression. We pray you will find them to be helpful to your situation.

When you’re done reading the articles:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

To read the articles, click onto the article below that you would like to read:

• CAN A CHRISTIAN BE DEPRESSED?

• WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS DEPRESSED

• WHEN YOUR HUSBAND STRUGGLES WITH DEPRESSION

• THE TRUTH ABOUT MEN AND DEPRESSION

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