After we moved to Dallas, Barbara began attending a Bible study for young wives led by an older woman. This seasoned mother was on a mission—she loved coaching and encouraging these young moms. Under this woman’s mentoring, Barbara’s confidence soared as she saw that her struggles were not unique.

There’s no doubt that the early years of marriage are really important. Roles are hammered out. Adjustments made. Expectations clarified. It’s no wonder the divorce rate is the highest during the first five years of marriage.

I believe we could dramatically reduce divorce if more wives and mothers experienced what Barbara did—a mentor. A mentor is a woman who has been there, who has lived it, who has loved her husband faithfully (not perfectly) and has biblical values to pass on.

As Barbara says, “A husband’s encouragement means a lot, but sometimes it doesn’t mean as much as another woman who has been there, who has done it, who comes alongside.”

A number of years ago I watched with fascination as a dozen young wives and mothers answered the question: What would you like to see your church provide for you as a wife and mother? They were very clear in their responses—they didn’t want a video, a tape, a conference, another book or a radio program. They wanted a real live mom to talk to and cry with—someone they could relate to and ask questions.

So I started challenging older wives and moms to become mentors. Their response? “We don’t have all the answers. We’ve made too many mistakes.” You know what? That’s exactly the qualification you need to be a mentor.

The above article came from the devotional book, Moments Together for Couples by Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Published by Regal Books (a division of Gospel Light). This is a collection of devotional thoughts for busy couples—practical works for husbands and wives who want to keep their trust in the Lord a daily focus and their commitment to each other a lifelong reality. As Dennis and Barbara say about this book,

“While you can use this devotional for your personal times with Jesus Christ, you will receive the greatest impact if you work through it day-by-day with your mate. In our experience, most Christian couples wish they spent time together praying and encouraging each other from the Bible—but they just don’t do it. They let other priorities crowd out what should be the most important aspect of their marriage relationship. We’d like to challenge you to set yourself part from the norm. Use this devotional to seek God together. Use these pages to grow closer together spiritually. Perhaps you could set aside a few minutes each night before you go to bed to read that day’s selection, answer the discussion question and then pray together. It will be the best investment you could make!”

If your church does not encourage personal ministry, volunteer to begin a lay program to develop spiritual responsibility. Lead a men’s group, or as a couple, lead a marriage class. Become an elder or deacon if asked. God desires that you find His perspective on life, and spiritual leadership is vital to doing so. No matter what your gifts or abilities, seek counsel on a plan that helps you develop spiritual responsibilities in the home, in your church, or in Christian organizations.

Are you being mentored by someone, and are you in the process of mentoring another man? Remember the call: “The things which you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, entrust these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also” (2 Timothy 2:2). Remember the axiom, “We only keep what we give away.”

ACCOUNTABILITY

As much as men like to be self-confident and independent, they have deep needs for counsel from others. Such counsel may include one or more people to whom a man in accountable and consults regularly. Men have a strong need in their lives for protection from wrong decisions, for wisdom in their marriage and in child rearing, and for encouragement in their jobs.

Several times in my life, I have had to make a significant decision that was difficult for me and somewhat threatening for my family. Finding myself suddenly under considerable emotional and professional pressure, and knowing I needed to provide a firm, directional family leadership, I quickly realized I could become vulnerable to Satan’s inevitable attack.

To protect myself and my family, Sally and I have always had an advisory group surrounding us to give wise counsel. We usually describe our situation to them and give a historical evaluation of Sally and myself. These men and women stand with us and always give honest feedback. More importantly, they rally to our support by helping us develop an aggressive plan for the future.

I usually am totally re-motivated, my wife trusts and respects my openness, and I have deepened my relationship with these people. The body of Christ demands our accountability to mature believers. God says, “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22).

The most natural place for a man to find mentors or wise counselors should be his local church. Begin to observe older couples and church leaders. Gather information concerning each leader’s expertise and areas of wisdom; then cross-check your observations with the pastoral staff.

After confirming your observations, decide which leader best fits your needs and seems most approachable. Ask him for a brief appointment. Most older people love to share their life experiences. If your wife and you seek joint counsel or mentoring, approach a couple. If you pray, God will lead you to the right person or couple.

In addition to looking in your church, you may find God’s choice at work, in the neighborhood, or in a Bible study group. Bigger decisions many times require several counselors for better perspective and for confirmation.

The above article comes from the book, 2 Becoming One by Don and Sally Meredith, published by Christian Family Life, Inc. In this book Don and Sally share time-tested principles and practical insights that will help you build a Christ-centered marriage. You’ll learn: The 6 reasons marriages fail, God’s three purposes for marriage, the two forces for change in a marriage, how to end the insult-for-insult cycle, and much more!

Don and Sally Meredith are marriage counselors who have taught relationship principles for married couples, parents, and adult singles for over 30 years. In 1971, they founded Christian Family Life, to further the training of lay people, and in 1976 co-founded the FamilyLife Ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ.

Our answer is, it depends upon what you’re looking for. We have books and resources listed in the various categories that can help you in many different ways. We wouldn’t have them listed on our web site if we didn’t think they could be helpful. So that would be one recommendation.

Another would be to use our web site for a launching pad for your Small Group studies. Here are some suggestions you might find helpful to be able to do just that:

• Select a married couple or someone who can facilitate/lead the discussion time.

• Go into the index for a topic (of your choice) such as, “Marriage Matters,” “Sexual Issues,” “Family Matters”, etc…

• Make a copy of the “QUOTES” section for every couple (or person) participating. (NOTE: Everything on our web site is down-loadable and printer-friendly.)

• Give them a few minutes to glance through the pages you’ve given them telling them ahead of time that you’re going to have them select one statement or quote to discuss.

• Each person (or couple) is to read the “QUOTE” they’d like to comment on and say the following, giving their comment afterwards:

“I find this quote interesting because…”
-or-
“I think this is an important point because…”

This could even take several weeks to cover a subject if you have others within the group participate on the discussion after the original couple (or person) makes their comments.

If you wanted to further delve into the subject for another week or so, the teachers/facilitators could find an article which they can copy and hand out to each couple (or person) attending and ask them to read the article that week, prepared to discuss what they found important or interesting the following week.

The teacher(s) should be prepared the following week with several discussion questions they’ve put together (maybe even adding other material they’ve found on their own) on the subject.

You may want to have a book or resource list available (which we have listed under “Helpful Resources” in each subject) so the couples can do further study on the subject on their own after the class has ended.

The following week you can be prepared to go on to another subject using the same format.

Of course, you can adapt this plan however you care to. We’ve used this format ourselves and have found that it lends itself to some very interesting discussions. We’ve also heard from a number of people who use the weekly Marriage Messages as their “topic of discussion” when they meet together as couples to strengthen their marriages.

We’d love to hear from you if you use it in your group or classroom study as to how it worked for you and if you made any changes that worked well for you in any way (or even if it didn’t work well because we learn from each other’s mistakes and triumphs as well).

-ALSO-

To help you further with this idea, the following is a link to an article posted on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine that discusses “the power of getting couples together to share life, struggles, and faith.” To read this article, please click onto the link below:

• BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

As mentors and mentorees we agree to enter into this mentoring friendship for the following length of time: ________.

At the end of this time we will re-evaluate the relationship, deciding whether we would like to continue or whether the relationship has fulfilled its purpose.

We Agree To:

• Meet together regularly.

• Keep private any personal information shared within the mentoring relationship.

• If a need arises to consult someone outside the relationship, we will discuss it together.

• Strive for honesty and openness in all interactions between us.

• Pray with and for each other.

• Other:

As Your Mentors:

• We commit to pray for you, serve, encourage, teach, and counsel with the wisdom God gives us and will give you with your best interests at heart.

• As obedient followers of Jesus Christ, we will pursue our relationship with the Savior, so that we may live honestly and honorably before you.

Name: ______________________________________ Date: __________

Name: ______________________________________ Date: __________

For Mentorees:

• We commit to be willing learners keeping our mentor’s best interest at heart.

• Call if we cannot keep an appointment.

• Give this relationship our best.

• Honor your privacy by not talking in casual conversation about you or things you’ve told us that would have any negative affect upon our relationship.

Name: ______________________________________ Date: __________

Name: ______________________________________ Date: __________

This is an optional tool for the mentoring couple to use with the married couple they’ll be meeting with. The following are questions you can ask them at any time if you desire to do so:

• What do you consider to be the role of the husband in your marriage?

• What do you consider to be the role of the wife in your marriage?

• On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your satisfaction in your marriage (with 1 being: not satisfied at all and 10 being you’re absolutely delighted with how things are going) ?

• What do you see as the top 3 strengths in your marriage?

• What three things would you most like to change about yourself as a spouse? Why?

• What do you see as the specific needs you have as a married couple?

• What do you feel are your greatest challenges in your married life at this point?

• Do you spend time building your relationship together by dating each other each week? If not, why not?

• Do you spend planning time together weekly discussing family matters, unresolved issues, scheduled events, budgeting, household and yard tasks, blessings, and other concerns? If not, would you like help with that?

• How satisfied are you with how you resolve conflicts? Do you think you’re able to resolve them in a healthy, respectful manner? If not, what seems to be the problem?

• Are you as close to God as a couple as you’d like? If not, what’s holding you back?

• What goals do you have together? What do you think God wants to do through you as a married couple that He may not have done through you as individuals?

• What kind of a marriage do you want to build?

• How do you picture your marriage in 10 years, (ideally)?

• What makes you feel “loved, honored, and cherished” by your spouse?

• How would you describe your relationship with each of your immediate family members when you were growing up?

• What is your relationship like with them now?

• Do you think your relationship with family members brings stress to your marriage? If so, how?

• What is your relationship like with your In-laws?

• Are there relational bridges you need or want to build or rebuild with your families? If so, what are they?

• Is there an issue in your married life that you’d like advice or insights on today?

Listed below are a few ideas that may help a church build a Marriage Resource section in their library. This would be for those who want to improve their marriages and to help those who have a desire to mentor other married couples:

• Have someone list all the marriage resources that you have in the marriage category in your library so it’s available to the Marriage Mentoring leadership.

• Periodically give an updated list of all the marriage resources that your church library has available to those in the Marriage Mentoring leadership of your church. That way, they’ll be able to recommend these resources to those who need them.

• Make it your goal as Mentoring leaders to build the church library so it contains a wide variety of “helps” (books, videos, cassettes, etc.) for those who want to be pro-active in keeping marriages healthy.

• Consider putting a small Christian Bookstore within your library. It could offer a limited selection of highly recommended books for purchase at a discounted price. This way if someone wanted to purchase a book for varying reasons, they wouldn’t have to search to obtain it elsewhere. But make sure that your library has at least one copy to lend of each resource you have in the bookstore section. The idea is to quickly get good resources into the hands of those who want them.

• Have a notebook on file that contains “viewing and listening” guides for copying that will be helpful for those who want them and put a note on the cover or in a prominent place that states that “listening or viewing guides” are available upon request.

• Ask your congregation to donate Marriage Resources that they know would be helpful to others.

The following are “Guidance Rules” that we have used in our own marriage mentoring groups (where there’s more than 2 or 3 couples) that meet in our home. You have our permission (and blessing) to down-load and change them in whatever way you see fit to accommodate them for your particular group’s needs:

• We hope you’ll make our meeting times a priority. We all need each other and your presence would be greatly missed.

• We need to attempt to start our times together at the agreed upon time. (We know there are circumstances that come up occasionally, so this isn’t a hard and fast rule; it’s a “guidance” rule.)

• We’ll try our best to end on time — but we also want to give the Holy Spirit the “elbow room” to minister to all of us. We won’t be offended if you want to give us a gentle reminder of the time (when you sense it’s necessary).

• Come comfortably dressed expecting a casual, enjoyable time.

• You may want to bring a Bible, a notebook and pen in case you want to jot anything down (but know that we have Bibles, paper and pens and pencils available here if you need them).

• Bring a snack or beverage to share. (But it isn’t necessary if you have circumstances that prevent it from being convenient to do so).

• In our times together make sure you don’t share anything that would embarrass your spouse. We want to encourage you to be respectful to each other and not break confidences to the larger group that would be damaging to your marriage. (But also know that we’re meeting together to help and encourage each other and we can’t do so if we aren’t open and vulnerable with each other when we need help.)

• Keep in mind that anything that’s shared here is to be confidential. Please don’t break confidentiality by telling others outside this group about something that’s been shared in confidence.

• The purpose of our coming together is to encourage one another. We pray that everyone will participate in discussion. It’s our hope that no one will hold back something that the Holy Spirit’s given you to say that we can all benefit from. (Read: Hebrews 10:25; Hebrews 3:13-14, 2 Timothy 1:7.)

• On the other hand, we need to be sensitive to keep what we’re sharing reasonably brief, so as not to monopolize the discussions. We want everyone to have a chance to participate. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you what you’re to share, and when, and if you’re to do so.

• One of our main goals of meeting together is also to be in community with one another. We’re to pray for one another, encourage one another, “speak the truth in love,” and be open with one another. If you have a broken heart, or a broken spirit, don’t hold it inside. You may deny others the opportunity to minister to you.

• If you’re going through a tough time and know you shouldn’t talk about it (sometimes we just have a need to be quiet and listen). please come anyway and just let us know that you need a little extra space and grace,and we’ll agree to give it to you. Just having you with us will mean a lot to the whole group. (We’re meeting to help each other in our marriages in whatever way that’s needed.)

• We see our (Steve and Cindy’s) position in this group as being the “host couple.” We’re not counselors anymore than any of you are. We’re “facilitators” in helping us all grow closer to our spouses and to our Lord. We don’t have the “perfect marriage.” We need help too!

• We welcome any help and resources you can bring into the group that can help us to “learn together.” (Just run it past us so we can fit it into the right framework for the topic we’ll be discussing at that time.)

• If you’d like to teach something the Lord’s taught you in your marriage, please let us know. We’d love to have some of you take charge of our teaching time. We aren’t the only ones who come across great marriage material. It would be a blessing to all of us if you’d take the initiative to do so. (But again, run it past us so we can accommodate the time accordingly.)

“You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance. Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.” (Titus 2:1-8)

There are many different ways a church could approach marriage mentoring. Below are some of the many ideas that could be facilitated:

• Have a Facilitating Married Couple that will oversee the Marriage Mentoring Ministry. A married couple may work best in this ministry position so both the men and women involved feel they have someone of their own gender to help them with issues that arise.

• Marriage Mentoring can be done in group form (large or small), or one-on-one, or as Accountability groups — like a “Promise Keepers Group” that meets periodically to help one another.

• You could also have long term or short term meeting groups that meet once a week or once a month or once a quarter indefinitely, or for a year, or for whatever time limit you want to set for it.

• Have Sunday School, Adult Education and/or Wednesday Evening Marriage classes on various subjects that will be helpful to those who are married or engaged. (They can be short term or long term or continual.)

• Always keep in mind, there are different ways of mentoring. Mentoring is a way of life. Keep your eyes open to how God wants to use you to mentor (encourage) others whether in large groups, small groups, one-on-one. Pray and then watch for “Divine marriage mentoring appointments”, (both planned and unplanned) that God brings your way to encourage others. “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another. and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” (Hebrews 10:24)

• Occasionally, when appropriate, invite engaged couples to a married couple’s group so they can experience “the other side” of engagement.

• Encourage Mentoring couples to build a Mentoring Lending Library at home (if possible) to lend resources out to couples to use for further “study” of a marriage subject.

• Share ideas by E-mail (or postal mail) with other mentors throughout the U.S. so more than your church can benefit from your ideas.

• Subscribe to one or more Marriage magazines for personal growth and for possible material to discuss with your mentoring group.

• Start a Marriage Mentoring web site at your church that you change periodically.

• Build up a good marriage-mentoring library at your church.

• Have someone in your church create Viewing and/or Listening guides for the marriage cassettes and videos in your church library and for marriage mentoring leaders so they can use them in their “small group.”

• Use marriage tapes, videos, study books, magazine articles, etc . to use in your mentoring groups. You don’t have to be a teacher to host a mentoring group.you just need to be a willing facilitator led by God. Then watch what He can do in and through your group.

• Have a Marriage Mentoring “tip” or quote in your bulletin and/or Newsletter each week. You could also have a half page insert in your bulletin during different times of the year that gives additional information to married couples.or have an e-mail list that couples could sign up to receive a “marriage tip of the week” each week.

• Host a Marriage Event in your church once a quarter and invite all the couples to. Hopefully because of this event you’ll reach out to some “new” couples that may want to get involved in a mentoring group as a result of attending. It can be a social and educational event. i.e. a potluck dinner with a special speaker who will speak on a subject that will be of benefit to all who attend. This could occasionally, even be a “For Women Only” event and a “For Men Only” event, which would address marriage subjects relating to their particular needs and interests.

• Encourage couples to attend at least one marriage retreat a year (or go away for a weekend just the two of them) to take the time to focus on their growth as a couple. (Your church could even host a Marriage Weekend).

• Develop a Companion Ministry for Married Women and one for Married Men that would meet periodically to address subjects that would be helpful to their gender.

We’ve personally thought of how very many mistakes we might not have made and how having another couple walk along-side of us during our first years of marriage, could have helped buffer the damage that was done when we made stupid naive mistakes. The encouragement and knowledge that someone was praying for us would also have helped so much! That’s what excited us about investing in other couple’s lives to mentor them in their earlier years of marriage.

But what we didn’t realize is that mentoring another couple not only helps the mentorees, but it also benefits those that are the mentors. It can be referred to as a “Boomerang Effect.” You set out to help another marriage and in the process your own marriage is also strengthened.

You don’t DO it for that reason —  to save your own marriage, but it can further strengthen your own marriage. Dr Les Parrott, from the Center of Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University, says this about Marriage Mentoring:

“Let me say at the outset that not everybody is cut out to be a marriage mentor. For example, some couples might want to be mentors for the wrong reason—to salvage what little marriage they have left. Or one spouse might be really motivated, but the other mate isn’t. That’s not going to work. It has to be a team effort.”

But if you can reach out from the healthiness of your own marriage and do it as a team, you will find so many benefits to mentoring, that you will be very pleasantly surprised!

To explain this further, we will refer you to two articles which are posted on two different helpful web sites in the hope that you will consider mentoring another couple. Just click onto the links below:

• COUPLES TO MENTOR OTHER COUPLES

• THE BOOMERANG EFFECT OF MENTORING

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

It can be quite scary to think of mentoring because we think that mentors have to be perfect and we usually see ourselves as anything BUT perfect, because we know all too well just how imperfect we are!

But what we’ve discovered from those who mentor and now we know personally because we mentor, you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be willing, and also healthy in your own marriage relationship. You don’t have to know all the answers, because really, only God knows all the answers. But you are strong enough in your relationship with the Lord to depend upon His wisdom and His leading.

“Let me mention an inherent pitfall we must avoid. Our nurturing character tempts us to want to fix everything. We can’t! We must be careful to shift a person’s dependence on us to dependence on the Lord. Obedience to God’s Word and reliance on God’s Spirit brings growth to maturity for anyone.

It’s our job to teach God’s Word and to model godly living. Then we must leave the growth to God. We can encourage others and affirm that God is the life giver.” (Vickie Kraft, from the book, “Women Mentoring Women”)

When we first started mentoring we thought that every problem that the couple had that we were mentoring would be our problem to fix. But we have since learned that instead, is that we are to “anchor” our confidence in Christ that HE will minister to this couple—whether He “fixes” their problem and allows us to participate in the process or He gives them the strength to endure, with us being part of this couple’s support system and prayer partners, it is up to God.

We learned this principle of “anchoring” from Dr Dallas Demmitt, from his book, Can You Hear Me Now? published by Cook Communications Ministries. And it really applies well with mentoring another couple because it helps us to remember that we aren’t in charge of fixing everything that the couple tells us. We simply can’t be.

God is the One who knows best how to minister in each situation. When we truly listen to the couples who are telling us their problems, and we lift the problems up to God and anchor ourselves into His way of responding, the pressure is off of us and onto Him. And for this reason God gains the glory and credit, because we participated with Him — not the other way around.

Dallas says the following about this concept:

“When you throw an anchor overboard, it goes straight to the bottom and secures the ship to the ocean floor. Surface wind and waves may threaten to carry the ship away. Currents may tug and pull the vessel this way and that, but a strong anchor secures the ship and ensures the safety of everyone on board.

“Likewise, the storms of life tear at Christian relationships and desire to destroy the home and drown the occupants. But anchoring in Christ secures individuals who are rooted and grounded in the safety of God’s love and assurance of His presence. On our own power or steam we cannot live the Christian life, let alone listen to an angry partner… Apart from Christ living through you and me, we can’t accomplish these actions.

Anchoring involves resting in the presence of Jesus, the Wonderful Counselor, inside of you whether you are speaking or listening. As you listen while someone drains off his “stuff,” life-transforming discoveries can occur in one or both of you. This happens in any situation in which one or more participants rest or anchor the communication in the hands of the Wonderful Counselor.” (Dr Dallas and Nancy Demmit, from the book, “Can You Hear Me Now?”)

So, now that you know about the “anchoring” principle in listening and interacting with mentorees, what are some of the other “do’s” and also “don’ts” in mentoring? This is what author Sabrina Beasley says,

“There is a great need for mentors in churches all across America, but there is very little on how to do it. Many couples are afraid to take on a task that requires so much emotional investment, especially when they feel like they’re treading on new territory. Let me encourage you not to be afraid —others have gone before you, and have left you this list of dos and don’ts to encourage the weary and equip the lost.”

So would you like to know some of those dos and don’ts?

To help you with this we are providing a link to an article which is posted on the web site for the ministry of Family Life Today. Please click onto the link below to read what Sabrina suggests:

• THE DOS AND DON’TS OF MENTORING

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

When you think of mentoring someone, you can become scared at the thought! You think, “What makes me think I could teach anyone anything?” “What makes me such an expert that anyone would benefit from what I’d have to say?” “What if they ask me questions I don’t have an answer for?” “I’m not that “old” so how could I be qualified to mentor?”

Those are all legitimate questions to ask yourself. They’re questions I’ve thought about myself many times. But then there’s this tug on my heart which I know is the Holy Spirit. He lets me know that I don’t have to have all the questions answered correctly to do something He’s prompting me to do. I just need to be available for the leading of the Lord, and have the faith that He’ll direct me in the way I should go when I don’t know what to do next. The important thing is that I’m willing and the Lord is leading and empowering me because it’s His idea in the first place!

Often, when it comes to mentoring, we think we can only do it if we’re trained to do so and are involved in a church which helps and encourages us in the process. When it comes to mentoring though, it’s not about following a set program— although many churches have great programs that can help with this. It’s more about living your life so you give the Holy Spirit the elbow room to teach others through you.

The Bible tells us to teach younger men and women, which is a type of mentoring. It says:

You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance. Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us. (Titus 2:1-8)

That’s all that mentoring is — it’s teaching, encouraging, advising, and setting for them “an example by doing what is good” — living our lives with integrity. It doesn’t mean we have to be perfect or an expert in what we’re encouraging someone to do — but we need to be growing forward in our walk in life and with the Lord.

As Dr Les Parrott says, “Mentors don’t have to be marriage experts. In fact, it’s their story that really does the teaching.” It comes down to what we’ve learned through rather than just what we’ve lived through in our marriage.

It’s also important that we don’t live one way and teach another. Mentoring is a way of life — teaching, as well as living and doing what we’re advising others to do.

• It’s being open and giving God the elbow room in our schedule so He can bring someone our way to minister to their needs.

• It’s becoming a “student of life” we have something to share with someone else when God brings them our way. As we become aware of all the “learning opportunities” around us, God can use us to share these “tailor-made just for them” nuggets of truth.

• It’s proceeding in life prayerfully so our eyes are tuned in, through the leading of the Holy Spirit, to all the ministry opportunities and learning opportunities He brings our way.

• It’s believing in others and infusing hope into them when they can’t believe in themselves. As 1 Corinthians 13:7 says, love “always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

• It’s following the principle of Hebrews 10:24 where it says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

• Sometimes it’s quietly crying with, and standing with, and holding up a friend without saying much at all— knowing that sometimes friends need a strong, quiet friend to be with them more than they need someone who speaks more than they should in that circumstance. (Job, from the Bible, had friends who were good examples of friends who didn’t know when to shut up and just BE WITH their friend instead of chattering.)

• It’s being spiritually in tune to those we’re with to know when we’re to speak love, show love, or both.

• It’s being a friend who loves unconditionally and sees beyond their faults.

• It’s being “Christ with skin on” — being God’s colleague in loving this friend as Christ would.

After reading this, if you’ve felt a tug on your heart where you can see yourself, in some way, mentoring or coaching someone else of the same sex (because it would be inappropriate to mentor someone of the opposite sex), it could be that God is impressing upon your heart His calling to invest your life to help guide someone else in theirs.

If you’ve put up barrier reasons why you couldn’t do this up to this point despite the tugging you’ve experienced in your heart to do this anyway, I pray you’ll recognize it as selling God short on what He can do in and through you if you would only yield to His prompting. He can be trusted to be your Wonderful Counselor, despite whatever flaws or short-comings you may think you have. God does His greatest work when we remove our inadequacies from the picture and allow Him to be God.

Don’t look at mentoring as something you do … it’s a way of life. And if you’re open to it and you’re called to it, take down whatever barriers are preventing you from investing in someone else’s life in this way. Mentoring is a way of life. When you’re ready, then God will bring someone your way that will also be ready. And whether you mentor them for a short season or a long season, you will fit into God’s plan to benefit the Kingdom of God in a very unique wonderful way.

Mentoring is becoming even more important as the majority of the population today comes from homes that experienced divorce. You may have never lived with both a mother and a father. How are you supposed to know what an intact family looks like? Who is going to model for you how to work through conflict if your own parents decided to abandon their marriage?

How do you find a mentor couple?

• Look for a couple who has the love that you’d like to have. Look around and see who holds hands, who acts kind to one another, who opens the door, who prays for one another or for other couples.

• Look for a couple who has done what you want to do. Some careers have unique marital pressures: physicians (especially ob-gyn!), politicians, ministry and clergy couples, CEOs and entrepreneurs, and media military personnel. Look for a couple who have not only survived in your particular fishbowl but thrived and found a life that has served them and their families well.

• Look for a couple who lives in your world. They will be stronger mentors if they live in your neighborhood, are a part of your world, or attend your church. You will be able to see them in a variety of circumstances, and they will be there to answer those day-to-day issues and questions that may crop up. A great way to discover a marriage mentor is to joining a marriage enrichment class offered by your church or by organizations like United Marriage Encounter or see www.smartmarriages.com for many options. By attending a class or conference with a group, you will meet couples who are interested in having a strong marriage, and some of those couples may have some wisdom to share.

• Look for a couple who shares something in common with you. We have three sons, and we have enjoyed having mentors who raised all boys. We have benefited from mentors who are clergy couples and ones who are writers and speakers. We have enjoyed attending sporting events with sports-minded mentors, exercising with them, or even vacationing with them.

• Look for a couple who is willing. They don’t have to be perfect—no couple is! They don’t even necessarily need to be trained marriage mentors or professional marriage educators. They just need to have a strong, stable relationship themselves.

Make a list of two to five couples who might be willing to mentor you. Decide which couple might be the best fit and invite them to dinner. See how the dinner goes. Ask them questions about how they met, what advice they would give to newlyweds, and the like. If this dinner goes well, make a follow-up appointment for coffee or dinner.

Ask them if they would be willing to spend some time with you. You might suggest they lead you and some friends through a marriage enrichment book if they enjoy teaching.

You might ask if they would just be willing to meet for a meal on occasion or be available for questions as they arise. Be sensitive about the amount of time they might have available for you. Decide when you will get together next, and make sure to thank them for their willingness.

The above article comes from the book, Every Marriage Is a Fixer-Upper by Bill and Pam Farrel, published by Harvest House Publishers www.harvesthousepublishers.com. This book is a do-it-yourself guide to bringing out the best in your relationship. In this tool chest of relationship-building skills, best selling authors and popular speakers Bill and Pam Farrel will help you discover the untapped potential in your marriage — and provide you with the inspiration and expert advice you need to: strengthen the foundation of your family, inspect your marriage for hidden weak spots, protect your relationship investment with consistent maintenance and improvement, fan the flame to make your sex life sizzle, create choices and habits to build long-lasting love.

• WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A MENTOR

To be a Marriage Mentor:

• You do not have to be an expert … simply be willing to share your experiences.
• Share your stories of married life with a younger couple.
• Be a mentor couple to a younger couple.
• Help them strengthen their marriage and reap benefits for yours.

Can you do that? Do you qualify by not being an “expert” in marriage, but yet you’re willing to share some of the things you and your spouse have “learned through?” Can you share your stories of your own married life and be transparent in admitting your mistakes so a younger couple could learn through them?

Can you take the time and MAKE the time to invest in the lives of a younger, less-experienced married couple and help them to strengthen their marriage?

If you can do that TOGETHER as a married couple — where both of you are willing to do this together in a united way working off of both of your strengths, you’ll reap the benefits of in your own marriage as well.

But to further help you to consider whether you’re ready or not, we will provide a link below to the helpful web site for the ministry of Family Life Today so you can read an article that they have posted which will give you further insight. Just click onto the link below to read:

• ARE YOU READY TO BE A MENTOR?

And from the web site for the ministry of Family Life Today, please click onto the link provided below to read:

• FIVE MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT MENTORING

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

“Practical wisdom from mentors can help you learn to do the first-year tasks of marriage right the first time. Which would you rather do — keep making the first-year mistakes of marriage for ten years OR learn the first-year skills of marriage in year one and move forward with growing a successful marriage? 

…Why not seek out a mentor couple to share their love and experiences with you? They have helpful stories to share from lessons they have learned. They have road maps of experiences to help you with to find your way in dealing with communication, couple friendship and dating, finances, in-laws, solutions to problems, recreation, intimacy, and healthy marriage habits.” (Dr Ed Gray – www.12conversations.com)

Does that describe you? Are you experienced in what it takes to make a marriage healthy? If you are, newly married (or about to be married) young couples can use your help. Because:

“Great marriages are not the result of good luck, finding the perfect soul-mate, or waiting for just the right moment (although all of those things are helpful, they aren’t everything). A great marriage is made, not born. To achieve a great marriage, couples must go into it with a clear purpose and clear intentions.” (K. Jason Krafsky, from the book, “Before I Do”)

To have a great marriage, intentionality and building upon a firm foundation is important. Just like building a house, if couples don’t begin with a good start — building upon a firm foundation, they will make things more complicated and difficult in the future than it has to be.

And you may know that principle first-hand because perhaps you made your share of mistakes in the beginning and didn’t have anyone to help you make less of them. Perhaps you can change that for another couple and shorten or decrease their pain.

They will likely come into the marriage thinking they know how to love each other in such a way that their marriage will out-shine others, but as we know, it usually doesn’t take long before they find out differently and have difficulties. An older, more experienced couple that has “been there, and done that” can show them that it isn’t so unusual and not to be surprised by the problems they’re encountering.

But once they find themselves heading in the wrong direction it’s so much easier to correct the bad habits before they get too ingrained into the relationship and do too much damage, than it is to wait until later.

To explain further on how much your help is needed, we will provide below a link to the web site for the wonderful ministry of Family Life Today so you can read an article they have posted on this subject.

To read the article, please click onto the link below:

• YOUNG COUPLES NEED YOUR HELP

To read another article on this subject, posted on the web site for the great ministry of Focus on the Family, please click onto the link below:

• MARRIAGE MENTORING

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

Here are some comments from couples who have had marriage mentors:

“The mentoring program has been incredibly helpful to us because our mentors have been through a lot of the things we are going through now. We benefit from what they have learned.”

“Because of the guidance we have received from our mentor couple, we feel that we have an advantage that will help us have a life-long marriage.”

Have you ever been whitewater rafting? Imagine arriving at the trip site and being informed that this stretch of the river is a Class IV or V ride. That means that you will likely encounter big waves and strong currents. There will be multiple obstacles to maneuver around. The conditions and obstructions in the water could snag the raft or even upend it. You are then asked if you would like to take the trip alone or have an experienced guide go along with you. What would you choose?

Not having much experience with this type of course, you are relieved to discover that a trained guide is actually a required part of the experience. Someone who has been down this course before and knows the best direction to take and the obstacles to avoid is a welcome sight.

But what about guides for marriage? Some say that marriage is the riskiest venture most people undertake in their lives. It has its own set of obstacles, strong currents, and obstructions …including the risk that the relationship might capsize. For example, under current trends, young people marrying for the first time face a 40-50% risk of divorce in their lifetime. However, many begin this exciting, yet risky journey on their own. Increasingly, churches are developing marriage mentoring programs in an effort to provide younger couples with experienced guides to help them on their marital journey.

What are some of the specific obstacles that marriage mentors can help younger couples navigate around or avoid altogether?

Limited Models and Tools Unfortunately, many young couples enter marriage without the benefit of good role models. Hence, they have not developed constructive relationship skills for communicating, resolving problems, or affirming each other. Marriage mentors with healthy, stable relationships provide positive role models for these young couples.

Isolation In the process of pursuing educational and career goals, many young couples find themselves separated from their previous support system. They often find it difficult to connect with other couples who will support and encourage them in their marriages. Marriage mentors become important stakeholders in the young couple’s relationship. All of us benefit from having people in our lives who care about our marriages.

Challenges of the Early Years of Marriage. In one study, 49% of couples indicated they were experiencing serious problems in the first year of marriage. Of those who divorce, 40% do so in the first three to four years of marriage. Mentors become important sounding boards as young couples face the inevitable challenges of marriage during these early years before the problems become deeply entrenched.

Disillusionment Most couples enter marriage with high ideals and aspirations for their relationship. At some point, disillusionment will result when reality does not match their ideals. Unfortunately, some then give up on the relationship assuming they made a mistake. Mentors can help couples see that these periods of disillusionment are a common part of maturing relationships rather than a sign of a failed marriage.

Pessimism About Marital Success Research indicates that young people, being acutely aware of a number of failed marriages, are skeptical about the viability of marriage over time. Mentor couples provide hope that the creation of a satisfying, long-term relationship is possible.

Churches are in the best possible position to establish a marriage mentor program. Besides supporting younger couples, mentor couples find that their marriages are strengthened as well. If you are a young couple interested in a mentor couple or an established couple with a heart to strengthen marriage, why not suggest the development of this vital ministry in your congregation?

Questions for Reflection:

1. What can be learned from these Biblical mentoring relationships?

a) Eli and Samuel (1 Sam 1-3),
b) Elijah and Elisha (I Kings 19),
c) Naomi and Ruth (Ruth 1),
d) Paul and Barnabas (Acts 13-15),
e) Elizabeth and Mary (Luke 1),
f) Paul and Timothy (Acts 16, 1 Tim 4 and 6).

2. Have you ever experienced a mentor relationship —formal or informal? What are the qualities and characteristics of an effective mentor?

3. Think of a time in your marriage when you would have benefited from a mentor couple. In what ways would a mentor couple have been helpful at that time?

4. If you would be interested in having a mentor couple, what would you most hope to get out of that relationship?

5. If you are a happily married couple (though not perfect), what are some of the strengths you could offer a younger couple?

This article was written by Dr. Dennis Lowe. Originally seen in the e-newsletter “First Years and Forever”, published by the Family Ministries Office of the Archdiocese of Chicago.

Dr. Dennis Lowe is the Director of the Center for the Family at Pepperdine University in Malibu, CA. He is also an administrator and professor in a graduate program designed to train marriage and family therapists. Married 26 years with two children, Dennis and his wife, Dr. Emily Scott-Lowe, conduct marriage seminars, including marriage mentor trainings, throughout the U.S. He can be reached at http://gsep.pepperdine.edu/family/

So, what can we do if we’re over-committed and stretched financially? How can we carve out time to be together? Cindy and I came across something a few years ago in a magazine article that we found to be highly successful in giving us some “quality” date time. It’s called the “22 Minute Date.”

This was based on an experiment that was conducted with a number of couples who were “happily married” but said they needed a “boost” in their relationship. Can you relate? Here’s how it worked:

The couples agreed to take the time they might have spent watching a TV sitcom a day (22 minutes when you subtract the commercials) and instead, talk.

• They were to make eye contact and converse. There were to be no children present.

• There was to be no radio in the background and of course, no TV. There was to be no dinner and no dinner dishes.

• They were told to turn on the answering machine.

• They were to focus on what’s positive in their lives—this wasn’t the time to bring up past hurts.

• They were to do this for one month.

At the end of the month the couples said this was more rewarding than they’d ever dreamed possible. They also admitted that it seemed awkward at first and found themselves looking at the clock a lot, but after a while they began enjoying the time and found the 22 minutes flew by. (Cindy and I find this to be true in our own “22 minute” dating times.)

We believe one of the tragedies in marriages today is that many couples talk “at” each other without listening to what the other person’s saying. We found the 22 Minute Date a great way to re-connect and begin to listen to each other. So now what we’re asking of you is to “try it— you may like it.”

To make this easier on you we want you to know there are some wonderful resources available today designed to be “conversation starters”. One of them is a small book published by Focus on the Family entitled, Creative Conversation Starters for Couples. It has questions in it ranging from light-hearted and friendly, to questions that are more intimate, and personal. They’re aimed at helping you to connect (or re-connect) with each other.

You may be surprised by how much you can learn about each other by asking a few “simple” questions. It works best if each of you answers the same question. So, here are some starter questions for you that came from this book:

• What was the most memorable date we ever had?

• If you and I went on a date together and we only had $10 to spend, what would you like to do?

• In what ways are you different from your parents and siblings?

• In what ways do you think our parents’ marriages have affected our own?

• If you could have the autograph of any living person in the world, whom would you choose?

• What are your three greatest strengths? What do you feel are my three greatest strengths?

• In your opinion, what are the five most important things a man needs to understand about a woman and her needs?… vice versa?

• If you could personally witness any event in history, which one would you choose?

• How can we make our marriage more of a true partnership?

Next week we’ll give you the name of some other resources that can help to enhance your communication and increase your understanding of one another. These resources will also be helpful for your “22 minute” (or beyond) date times together.

We’d love to hear from you if you know of any resources that you’ve found helpful that we can pass along to others. We always value your input. Keep in mind that we’re in this together. As it tells us in Hebrews 10:24-25, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as we see the Day approaching.”

Our love and prayers are with you as we work together to make our marriages healthy, reflecting the love of God,

Steve and Cindy Wright