“The longer your spouse has been deployed, and the more danger he’s faced, the more likely you both have changed. Even if the reunion goes as planned, challenges lie ahead.” (Erin Prater)

To read about some of the challenges and ways to combat and over-come those challenges, please click onto the Focus on the Family web site link below (and then read the additional articles this ministry supplies as well to help you with:

• POST DEPLOYMENT: The Short- Term Reality

And then when a spouse has been deployed for a long time it’s important to remember:

“Wars begin where you will, but do not end where you please.” (Machiavelli)

Reunions are wonderful, but you can also find a different war zone that can begin between you if you don’t do what it takes to make your transition time together easier than just coming together and working things out on a “wing and a prayer.”

To help you with this transition in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead, the ministry of Focus on the Family has additional articles you can read. To begin with, please click onto the link to the article below and read the additional

• POST DEPLOYMENT: The Long-Term Reality

And what if there are additional problems, such as what this couple encountered:

“Just back from Iraq, Navy SEAL Mark Waddell suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. And his wife, Marshéle, was clueless how to help.”

Please click onto the following Marriage Partnership Magazine web site link to read:

• WAR ON THE HOME FRONT

And from Military.com an article (and additional articles as well) that could help you further in your adjustment time. Please click onto the web site link to read:

• RETURNING TO FAMILY LIFE AFTER MILITARY DEPLOYMENT

The above article was compiled by Cindy Wright from Marriage Missions International

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

There is an attack in our world upon Christian marriages and upon families — an attack to keep them unhealthy, weak, and breaking apart.

Think about the tactics here though: if the enemy of our faith can keep us fighting against each other, we’re not fighting against the powers of spiritual darkness —we’re participating and cooperating with the tactics of the enemy instead. We’re so busy fighting within our homes, we can’t sufficiently fight that which is REALLY our enemy.

Our spouse is not our enemy— contrary to what you see happening. Our spouse may ACT like he or she is our enemy. But the real enemy is the one behind the scenes firing up the situation.

And this is true in military marriages, just like it is true in civilian marriages. We have to recognize who the REAL enemy is, and put our efforts into defeating THOSE enemy forces — not our spouse, and not our marriages.

“Be strong in the Lord, and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” (Ephesians 6:10-13)

Let me say it again this way: the enemy is NOT your spouse. The enemy of our faith would like for you to think otherwise, but you need to look beyond the smoke screen of what you immediately see in front of you — look to what is behind the immediate, to what could be prompting this delusion —this mirage experience you are living out in your home.

Keep in mind that the real enemy is attacking the covenant vow you made with your spouse. It’s a sneaky maneuver to hurt to the heart of God, and to hurt you — the children of God. Tragically, there is a lot of participation going on between spouses to entertain the enemy and give in to the deception whenever there is a war going on within the home and when the partnership and marital team is disintegrating.

The following is a short excerpt from a radio broadcast interview that Dennis Rainey (Family Life Today Ministries) had with three Bronze Star ex-green beret, Stu Weber on this same subject:

Dennis: Because of the attack on commitment today, the covenants and vows, and marriage is no longer viewed as a lifetime partnership. I think a lot of couples in the military are really setting themselves up for a disaster, as one leaves for six months to a year to leave their spouse alone, to deal with temptations. Speak to that person who is being left, Stu.

Stu: Well, I would speak to both marriage partners about the nature of a vow. Certainly, if we can take a commission in the military to defend the Constitution at the expense of our own lives, if necessary, how much more would we be able to commit ourselves to our marriages at the expense of a simple lifetime. Certainly, we should be able to understand that both of those things are lifetime commitments that demand everything we have.

If the thing in a soldier that makes his spine strong in the face of disaster and pain and unpleasantries is there that makes him a good soldier, how much more ought those same things to be present in the things that really matter — like a relationship? And sometimes a relationship needs just to rely upon the fact that it’s got a spine, and that spine is the commitment and the oath and the promise that I made to my lady when we stood before God and friends at our marriage, and I’ll never go back on that.

Now, there are days when I don’t like it, or I don’t enjoy it. It doesn’t change the covenant a bit. There are days in soldiering where you don’t like it, but you’re still there willing to pay the price.

You are willing to pay the price in soldiering for your country. Are you willing to pay the price for your soldiering in God’s army to make your marriage and your family stronger and not fall into the deceit of the enemy of your faith?

Unfortunately, the broadcast where the above manuscript came from, is no longer available to read or listen to. However, there is another series with retired U.S. Army Major General, Bob Dees, that covers a lot of the same material.

Below we will provide web site links for all three days of this radio series. You can either listen to the individual broadcasts or read the transcripts. We hope you will pay attention to what is being said. We believe it will be a blessing to your family and help you to stand strong.

• PUT ON YOUR GOSPEL BOOTS (Part 1 of 3)

When a military member goes to war, a family goes to war. Retired Major General Bob Dees of Campus Crusade’s Military Ministry remembers when he first began to love soldiers and their families. Hear what the Military Ministry is doing to keep military families strong.

• HOPE ON THE HOME FRONT (Part 2 of 3)

Dennis Rainey talks with retired Major General Bob Dees of Campus Crusade’s Military Ministry about the unique challenges facing military families.

• PROTECTING YOUR FAMILY IN THE BATTLE (Part 3 of 3)

Marriages aren’t built on a romantic balcony but, instead, are built on a spiritual battlefield. Retired Major General Bob Dees talks with Dennis Rainey about bringing in reinforcements of love, leadership, and the Word of God to protect the family from Satan’s arrows.

-ALSO-

Below is a web site link to an article published in HomeLife Magazine which may be able to give you further help in this area of your life together. Please click onto the link below to read:

• MILITARY MARRIAGE: SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT

But with God’s help, you can find the hope you need to overcome any challenge on the home front.

Do you want to know how?

The ministry of Crosswalk.com has the rest of this article posted on their web site. To read more, please click onto the link provided below:

• MILITARY SPOUSES: FIND HOPE ON THE HOME FRONT

How do you communicate with each other when you have so many obstacles standing in your way?

It’s not easy, but it IS possible. That’s what Sheri and Bob Stritof want to convey to you.

In an article they have posted on the web site about.com they have written 9 great tips to help you with this mission as well as a suggested reading list, and more resources, as well as related articles — all with links provided to help you.

To read what they have posted that could help you in your marriage, please click onto the link below:

• STAYING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR MILITARY SPOUSE

Another article that you may find helpful is written by Ellie Kay and is posted on the terrific web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine. To read what they have posted, please click onto the link provided below:

• STAYING CONNECTED WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS AWAY

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

Let’s pull together to bless and help each other!!!

A: It is understandable that you want to hold on to something that’s so positive and full of hope — someone to come home to. But there is a big difference between not seeing other people and getting married. And you need to have time to think about your next step before you make a commitment.

Lieutenant Commander Curt West, a military psychiatrist in Iraq, says he regularly sees “the negative fallout from rushing into marriage before deployment.” He says the heat of the moment — the sacrifice, the longing, and the unknown — makes many couples, especially young ones, feel like [the tragic characters in Shakespeare’s] Romeo and Juliet. Unfortunately, what often happens is that these romances end up more stressful than beneficial.

“Many active-duty members come to me saying their spouses have written about being lonely and bored, and even worse, finding out that they are blowing through joint accounts while seeing other people,” West says. He adds that newlyweds without a real history of dating and relating tend to have problems when one of them isn’t stateside.

Bottom line: Getting married is as big a life change as deployment. Dating for just a few months is not enough to know you’re with a person who will be a source of strength, and you may end up with personal problems you never imagined. Instead of marriage, make a fidelity pact and let time tell you if your relationship has the makings of happily ever after.

The above question and answer article titled, “Military and Marriage” came from newspaper magazine, USA Weekend www.usaweekend.com in the column: “Relation Tips” written by Dennie Hughes. This particular article was featured in the October 20 – 22, 2006 issue of this magazine.

Many military families don’t feel like they are the “heroes” when it’s their loved one who is wearing the uniform and is offering their “life’s blood” to defend our nation in a faraway place. And yet they are the ones who can truly support, in love and prayers, those who are serving in this way. The loving encouragement, prayer support, and bravery of those who are at home “standing strong” while their loved one is apart from them physically, is all part of what it takes to make our world a better place to live.

There are those serving in the military in faraway places, as well as the supportive family and friends in their homeland, which are the true heroes who bring peace into this world.

But neither “assignment” is easy. So, to help those who are “braving it” here at home while their loved one is away (which will also help those who are “braving it” away from home), we have found several articles posted on the Internet that could possibly help you and your family in different ways.

The first is an article, originally featured on the web site for the ministry of Family Life Today, which gives a general overview of your adventure as a military family. It is written by Ellie Kay, who is married to Bob Kay, who was in the military for many years. Ellie knows first-hand what military spouses and families experience. Please click onto the link below to read:

• HEROES AT HOME

The next resource you may want to explore is actually a radio broadcast interview series with Ellie Kay, which the ministry of Family Life Today recently aired. By clicking onto the links provided below, you can either listen to them on line or you can read the transcripts:

• HEROES AT HOME (Day 1 of 2)

• HEROES AT HOME (Day 2 of 2)

The next article is featured on the web site for Focus on the Family, and is written by Crystal Kupper. She is a wife who has a hard time letting her husband go whenever he must leave their home for another assignment, and yet she is learning to cope. In this article she passes along what she has learned and is learning. Please click onto the link below to read:

• DEPLOYING MY FAITH

Another article is posted on the web site for Crosswalk.com and is written by Carol McGlothlin and Brenda C. Pace. They write about their experience of “leaving and cleaving”, both as wives in general, and wives who are married to those in the military. Please click onto the link below to read:

• LEAVE AND CLEAVE: Reflections of a Military Wife

The following article is featured on the web site All About Life Challenges.com. We’re not certain of the author, but it’s for wives who are dealing with challenges when her spouse is overseas. Please click onto the link below to read:

• MILITARY WIFE: How She Copes with Uncertainty

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

We pledge to look diligently for articles that will help to strengthen your marriages. Along with the many articles and Marriage Messages we continually add to our web site each week, we are on the look out to find additional articles and resources that will help with this mission. So keep checking back to this web site to see what else we are able to find to help you.

To read an article that addresses the help you can receive when dealing with the strain upon your marriage while the spouse is deployed we’re going to take you to the web site for the terrific ministry of Family Life Today which has resources for marriages, the entire family, and also for military families.

By taking you to their web site, you’ll not only be able to read the article, but you’ll also be able to see what else they offer to help your marriage and your family best cope with the challenges that you face every day.

MAY GOD BLESS YOU ABUNDANTLY! YOU ARE IN OUR PRAYERS!

Please click onto the following link to read:

• WAR OF A BROKEN HEART

— ALSO —

To read a number of articles posted on the Focus on the Family web site that you could find helpful, please click onto the following link:

• POST-DEPLOYMENT: The Long Term Reality

— ALSO —

To read an article that could help you with the battle that begins after the spouse returns home from a war zone, please click onto the following to read:

• THE WAR AT HOME

— ALSO —

If you are the wife of a soldier who is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, you may find the following web site link helpful:

• MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS: Secondary PTSD

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

The possibility of war is something that hangs over all military marriages, putting a strain on what even in normal times can be difficult: keeping a family strong. Even in peacetime, our soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines face long deployments away from home, some lasting as long as six months and even a year.

Add to that the fact that many in the military marry young and that many of them are in the lower enlisted ranks where, to put it mildly, the pay ain’t the greatest, and you have a recipe for marital conflict. Here are a few things to keep in mind if you’re already a military spouse — or if you’re contemplating becoming one.

C 3
You’ll sometimes hear military commanders talking about a strange thing called C 3 , often rendered as C-cubed. It stands for command, control and communications. Every military marriage needs its own version of C-cubed: communication, communication and more communication.

This may seem obvious, but there are many ways husbands and wives fail to communicate with each other, from assuming one knows what the other is thinking to failure to understand how the other thinks. (It’s that whole men are from Mars, women are from Venus thing.) Throw in separation for long periods of time and great physical distance and the problems are compounded.

Fortunately, the distance problem has been helped by technology, namely e-mail. Gone are the days of writing letters and wondering when or even if they’ve been received, then waiting an equally long time for a return letter. The military has done a tremendous job of making e-mail available to its men and women.

E-mail has a spontaneity missing from ink-and-paper missives, and you can attach photos to the e-mail to update Dad on Timmy’s new tooth or Sally’s soccer triumph. (For purposes of this article, I’m assuming the deployed spouse is male, although, of course, a great number of women also serve.) The simplicity and speed of e-mail make it easy to discuss some of the everyday matters you would normally discuss face to face. In fact, with the loneliness of separation, you might actually find yourselves communicating more than you did across the breakfast table.

And don’t think this should be saved for really weighty matters; take time to discuss the small matters like the clogged sink or the ding on the car fender or, if you have children, your frustration at having to be a “single parent” for a long period.

If for some reason you don’t know how to reach your spouse by e-mail, your base family —support office should be able to hook you up with the appropriate people. Just about everyone deployed overseas or aboard ship has access to e-mail, even submariners, who are able to keep in touch with loved ones through special burst communications as the sub travels at periscope depth. Commanders do a great job of keeping families informed about what is going on as the unit prepares to deploy.

Trust
For wives left at home as their husbands travel overseas, particularly wives of sailors or Marines, there’s always the image of a man having a girlfriend in every port. Even though that was largely fiction, it is true that male servicemen face tremendous temptations when making a foreign port call. A major profession in most seaports, to put it frankly, is prostitution. Add the nude clubs, bars and other temptations to lure lonely men and you have the potential for great trouble.

In fact, some men rationalize that when they’re deployed, they’re not really “married,” so any indiscretion is somehow okay. (The dalliances of wives whose husbands are away is also a staple of Hollywood.)

That’s why it’s important to build a strong trust factor into your marriage. Prayer is the most important shield to rely on. Arrange an e-mail prayer chain so that men and women from your church— many might be in the military too, so they can relate — can pass prayers and other news on to the deployed spouse. There’s nothing like knowing that your wife and church friends are daily praying for you to gird you for a port call.

Also, try to form a support group among the men on your ship or in your unit to keep track of each other while on liberty. Trust me, there are plenty of wholesome activities to check out at a foreign port call.

Coming home
We’ve all seen the pictures of tearful reunions as a ship pulls into home port. The joy of seeing a spouse and the release of tension — knowing that he’s safe — make for strong emotions.

The trouble is, those emotions don’t last. Reality quickly sets in. The dishes still need to be washed and the floor vacuumed. Both spouses are probably exhausted, too, physically and emotionally. Add to this the fact that Mom has mostly been running the show while Dad is away and you have the makings of a major blowup.

For example, it’s important for Dad not to immediately start doing things differently now that he’s “in charge.” If it’s your first deployment, you might actually see changes in your spouse that will catch you by surprise. After all, the skills needed to cope while the spouse is away for an extended time don’t just disappear now that he’s home. If you’re one of those strong, take-charge types— let’s face it, most people in the military are — this might take a bit of getting used to.

If you hold a rank whose military duties require you to lead a large number of people, remember that your spouse is not one of them. No barking orders, no threats of courts-marital, no dropping her for 50 push-ups. Seriously, though, it’s sometimes hard to break out of command mode into husband or Dad mode. Wives, be understanding. Dads, listen to how you’re speaking to your wife or children.

We should all be thankful for the men and women willing to place their lives on the line to defend our nation. As with our nation as a whole, the strength of our military depends on the strength of its families.

Tom Neven served seven years in the Marine Corps.

When you go into their web site put “soldiers” into their search feature and it will direct you to some choices you can select to read or purchase. One of the resources is a radio broadcast, which Dr James Dobson has prepared through a radio broadcast entitled, “Military Wives: When Dad’s Away,” featuring an interview with a panel of military wives. If you would like to obtain a copy, (and you live in the USA) you can call Focus on the Family at (800) 232-6459. In addition, if you ever feel it would be helpful to talk with a caring individual, you’re welcome to call and speak with a Focus counselor.

They also offer a book you can purchase called: HEROES AT HOME: HELP AND HOPE FOR AMERICA’S MILITARY FAMILY by Ellie Kay, published by Bethany House. This book provides practical help and encouragement for the spouses of active-duty military personnel by profiling six heroes at home. Topics include managing holidays, moving, stress busting, volunteering, and living on a budget.

And there are a number of other resources including links to other web sites that we’re sure you’ll find helpful.