How I wish that Steve and I would have discussed these things before the wedding so we wouldn’t have entered into this part of our marriage with so much potential for tension! To be truthful it wasn’t even close to being on the radar screen of our minds (which we later came to regret). There were so many other things to think about (most of them being idealizations of what marriage would be like). But soon after we were married, arguments about maintaining things that needed to be done around our apartment (and eventual home) began to surface and quite truthfully continued at various times for many years.

That’s why I’m writing this article — hoping it will give you “food for thought” and will possibly inspire you to talk about this issue before you waste more time arguing and cause more strain on your relationship than is necessary. There are enough other “tyranny of the urgent” issues that need your attention, so why not work this one through in a more peaceable way before children come onto the scene, and you get more steeped in your habits and “roles,” and also before you accumulate more “things” that will need maintaining?

NOW is the time to begin to figure out how to divide up the chores that need to be done. You’ll probably find that it won’t be a “one time” discussion time,” because different situations will come up that will change things. But you really should do this before differing expectations lead to angry confrontations and hurt feelings. It’s easier to work issues through before resentments are experienced rather than afterwards.

I’m not sure why but it’s often assumed that housework is woman’s work. There’s even research that supports that assumption:

A new study suggests that getting married prompts a fifty percent increase in housework for women. While, for men the effect is totally opposite. According to the research published in the latest edition of the Economic Journal, when a woman is single doing housework it takes nearly ten hours a week. But after marriage, she normally does fifteen hours of housework every week. On the other hand, a single man does an average of seven hours of housework a week. But, after marriage, his housework hours reduce to five hours a week.” (Som Patidar, from the article, Marriage Means “More Work” for Women, All Headline News (UK), 2/24/07)

And all of this is fine– if both the husband and wife are in agreement that this is the way housework is to be divided. But if this happens because nothing was said to each other beforehand about the division of the household duties, and one or the other feels that the division isn’t as it should be—it can lead to resentment and eventually a lot of problems.

Focus on the Family counselor Wilford Wooten, in the great book, The First Five Years of Marriage, noted something to consider. He said,

“It’s common to think in terms of ‘male’ and ‘female’ chores. But should a wife automatically be in charge of shower curtains, while her husband specializes in replacing shower heads?”

He goes on to say,

“Christian couples may tend to think such male/female distinctions are biblical rather than traditional. But the Bible doesn’t specifically support the notion that, for example, only women must cook and only men must calculate the budget and finances. After all, Jacob prepared the stew that Esau ate (Genesis 25); the ‘wife of noble character in proverbs 31 dealt with business concerns.’”

For Steve and me, it works out best that I do most of the housework. There are different reasons for this, some of them being: because of his availability (because he works so many hours outside of the home) and also because he isn’t a “detail” person in maintaining a home so he doesn’t put in the same effort to cleaning as I do (it causes more stress between us than it’s worth to have him do a lot of these things). There are other reasons too (which aren’t as important to discuss in this article). What’s most important is that we’ve found what works for us.

Steve takes care of other things that we’ve agreed works out best for our life-style. He does help put away things after dinner, etc… and also helps out when he sees my schedule is over-loaded or when we’re having company, and this works out well for us. We still experience some clashes occasionally, but over-all, we’ve worked out a system that makes things much more peaceable.

Your system may be entirely different than ours and that’s ok. Different, in this case, isn’t right or wrong — it’s just different! What works for us might not work for you and visa versa. The important thing is that you put the effort into talking about these matters, listening to each other’s view points, and come to a compromise that works for your marriage.

“With most of today’s marriage partners holding down two careers, the challenge of establishing ground rules for household chores is often a source of heated conflict. If arguments over who cooks, who cleans, and who handles the finances are plaguing your relationship, take some time to sort out your assumptions and expectations about the home and how it should be maintained.” (Judith Balswick, The Healthy Marriage Handbook, from the editors of Marriage Partnership Magazine, www.marriagepartnership.com, p.66)

Just make sure when you’re going through all of this that you understand that life may throw you some “curve balls” and things may change so revisiting this issue again may (and probably will be) in your future. Some of these “curve balls” could be: health issues (both long-term or short-term), availability of time because of varying schedules, having children (so there’s more to do), and circumstances, such as out of town company that comes in or a relative that moves in with you, etc… Or you could just decide that some of the things you decided on just aren’t working out as you’d thought they would, so you need to renegotiate things.

Again, that’s ok. Life is fluid and circumstances change, so we need to be flexible as well. The old saying goes: “Blessed are the flexible, for they will not break.” And that’s true—especially in marriage!

So where do you begin? Here are a few suggestions:

• Schedule a time to talk when you aren’t distracted by things could H.A.L.T. the healthiness of your discussions. Don’t discuss things when either of you is “Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired” if it’s at all possible! Your discussion time could be more vulnerable to being sabotaged during those times.

• “Make a list of all the chores that need to be done, including the more infrequent ones such as maintaining the car and preparing your taxes. Discussing the way your parents handled these tasks may help you understand what’s behind some of your arguments.” (Judith Balswick, The Healthy Marriage Handbook, from the editors of Marriage Partnership Magazine, www.marriagepartnership.com p.66)

• Figure out and Communicate your expectations. “We each come into marriage with different role models, personalities, and priorities. Talk with your spouse about the homes you grew up in and what your expectations are for a comfortable, clean home. I know a couple whose marriage didn’t survive in part because of their differing home priorities. The husband had expectations of coming home to a house similar to the one in which he was raised—clean and orderly. And the wife grew up in more of a disorganized, ‘tidy-challenged’ home, so she didn’t understand his need for orderliness. Rather than communicating their frustrations and being solution-centered, they bottled it in and the marriage unfortunately dissolved.” (Terry Willits, from the article, “Good, Clean Fun!” featured in Marriage Partnership Magazine, Spring 2003)

“Any time you have an expectation you have not talked about together, you have an opportunity for disappointment and conflict. The more you can openly identify and discuss your expectations, the more likely your spouse will be able to meet them. Even if you openly voice your expectations, there are going to be some that your spouse is simply unable to meet. Many spouses would happily meet the other’s needs if they knew what they were and if they were capable of doing so. However, we often want a spouse to do things for us or to take on a role that is completely unrealistic.” (Dr Debbie L. Cherry – Child-Proofing Your Marriage)

• It would be helpful to discuss what “clean” means for each of you. That might sound funny but it can be true! Keep in mind that God created each one of us with different talents and ways of looking at situations. This might be one of the areas where you’ll need to build a bridge between your viewpoints.

“A common problem with housework is that we may think we’re talking about the same thing when we’re not. I value clean. My husband values tidy. I can walk by knitting projects strewn everywhere and not notice them, while he may never notice a bookcase that needs dusting. Saying ‘keep the living room clean,’ then, means something different to each of us.” (Sheila Wray Gregoire, from the article, Real Good Housekeeping, featured in Marriage Partnership Magazine, Spring 2005)

• Accept reality. “It may be that your acceptable level of cleanliness just isn’t as important to your spouse. So you may need to compromise or, if you can’t lower your expectations, you may have to do the lion’s share yourself. If that’s the case, don’t allow your decision to make you bitter toward your spouse. Any help your spouse does provide will be a bonus!” (Sheila Wray Gregoire, from the article, Real Good Housekeeping, featured in Marriage Partnership Magazine, Spring 2005)

• Figure out “How can we maximize what we do?” Don’t determine who’s going to do what around the house by what the world says is “woman’s work” or “man’s work,” but rather by interest level and available time.

“Concentrate on giftedness, not gender. Rather than emphasizing ‘male’ and ‘female’ chores, talk about which jobs you enjoy or don’t mind doing. Which do you have a knack for? Which would you prefer not to do?” (Wilford Wooten, The First Five Years of Marriage, pg. 81)

• “Next, divide up the tasks each of you prefers to do, and then decide how to handle the less-enjoyable chores. I encourage couples who have a little extra income to consider hiring out the jobs they either detest or are unqualified to perform, like home repairs or financial planning. Often young people in the church are happy to earn a few extra dollars by cleaning house or doing yard work.” (Judith Balswick, The Healthy Marriage Handbook, from the editors of Marriage Partnership Magazine, p.67)

• Take into account which of you has more time to do household tasks or if it needs to be evenly divided. “One of the biggest reasons dual-worker couples have difficulty finding time to spend on their marriage is that [one spouse] doesn’t shoulder his [or her] fair share of household tasks. Evaluate who’s doing what when you’re home. Make a list of household chores, how long they take to do, and who does them. If you discover an imbalance in household assignments, make some changes and redistribute the housework more evenly. After all, a few hours working together leaves more time for fun together.” (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, from the article, “We’re Too Busy,” featured in Marriage Partnership Magazine, Winter 2002)

• Don’t go strictly by the numbers. “Fair and equal doesn’t necessarily mean ‘one for you, one for me.’ Remember that some chores are more difficult and time-consuming than others.” (Wilford Wooten, The First Five Years of Marriage, pg. 81)

• Designate a personal space for each of you if that’s possible and necessary. “If you’re tired of tidying up after your spouse, consider designating an area of the house or garage where you can stick stray items for him or her to deal with later. Let your beloved keep this area for hobby paraphernalia, paperwork, or anything else he or she likes to leave out. This gives your mate an area to let loose without incurring your anger, yet the mess is out of your hair.” (Sheila Wray Gregoire, from the article, Real Good Housekeeping, featured in Marriage Partnership Magazine, Spring 2005)

• Decide if it’s best to do certain things faster or in more detail. This could be an important point for you. “Which partner can tackle a ‘to-do’ list faster than a speeding bullet, getting things done in a reasonable order, even if they’re not perfect? And which of you is more detail-oriented, painstakingly laboring over every part of the process, such as getting out the brass polish before putting that candle holder back in its proper place? In most marriages, there’s one partner who can get more done faster and another partner who gets less done but will do an immaculate job. We need each other.” (Terry Willits, from the article Good, Clean Fun! Featured in Marriage Partnership Magazine, Spring 2003)

We finally discovered (after too many years of hit and miss) that Steve is better at getting projects done faster and I’m better at organizing what needs to be done and doing a lot of the detail work. Steve gets glassy-eyed if you give him “fussy things” to do, like “prettying up” the table or living areas (which I don’t mind doing at all) but he can sure mow through the general cleaning faster than I can. We work great as a team when we determine to do so!

Steve eventually came up with the plan that when there’s a big project to be done he asks me the question, “What can I do to help?” I’ve learned not to expect him to just SEE what needs to be done (because we’ve both come to realize that he doesn’t see everything I do and he doesn’t prioritize things the same way I do, and I’m generally a better organizer of these kinds of things than he is). We’ve agreed that when he asks this question, I’ll either point out things one at a time (after he completes each task) or I’ll write things down that he can check them off of a “to do” list once he’s completed them. It’s amazing how much smoother this process has worked for us!

• Negotiate and work with each other’s “talents” in maintaining your home. “Some personalities are less aware of or relatively unaffected by their surroundings. If one partner’s more affected by it, honor him by honoring his requests. That’s likely to make your marriage better. If one spouse is more organized, thank God for that. Don’t resist her organization, celebrate it and accept that God knew you needed a mate to help keep your life in order.” (Terry Willits, from the article Good, Clean Fun! Featured in Marriage Partnership Magazine, Spring 2003)

“Parceling out household chores carries much more meaning than merely keeping the house clean, the grass cut and the car running. It actually represents an attitude of the heart. Our willingness—or unwillingness—to help out around the house speaks volumes about the value we place on our spouse.” (Judith Balswick, The Healthy Marriage Handbook, from the editors of Marriage Partnership Magazine, p.67)

• When deciding who does what, consider each other’s energy levels. “Women do have more energy than men, even though men have more start-up energy. Many women are like the Energizer ad on television that shows the batteries continuing to run and run and run. Men use up their allotment of energy and then need to stop to be recharged. A man goes on a personal retreat by taking a nap, resting, reading, or watching television. He needs aloneness to recovery whereas women are capable of rebuilding energy while carrying on their normal activities.” (H. Norman Wright, How to Change Your Spouse, pg. 72)

Through the years, Steve and I have learned to work as a team in maintaining our home. Steve has adjusted his approach to working around the house and yard to work longer—until we’re BOTH done (where before he just stopped working because he was tired).

And I’ve learned to give him more grace and space in getting things done and realize that he’ll probably need more “recovery time” afterwards if he pushes himself more than he normally would. I’ve learned to pace out the projects with relaxing times and fun times in between (which is healthier for our health AND our marriage). Things might not be as orderly or get done as quickly as I’d like them—but for the sake of our health and marital relationship it’s been worth the compromise!

• Give advance “warning” for work projects that need to be done if that’s an important consideration to one of the spouses. “The problem of energy or lack of it arises when a man doesn’t know in advance the details of a project his wife wants him to work on. Even though it may be limiting to a woman, a man needs to know what the task is and how long he’s expected to work. Why? He wants to know in advance so he doesn’t run out of energy. No, it’s not an idea concocted by men to get out of work. A man’s metabolism and fat system is different from a woman’s. Women have a fat reserve that gives them energy; men do not. A woman’s muscles use energy in a much more efficient manner than men’s do. Men do not want what energy they have to be misused.” (H. Norman Wright, How to Change Your Spouse, pg. 72)

For Steve and me, this is an important point. I used to decide that certain projects needed to be done and “assumed” that Steve would do them (or we’d do them together) when he had a day off. This usually led to a huge marital clash on that day! I couldn’t understand why Steve didn’t see that these things needed to be done and he couldn’t understand why they had to be done on a day that he considered his “day off.” I’d then ask, “when do I get a ‘day off.’”

We went around and around clashing on this crazy cycle at various times throughout our marriage until Steve finally figured out that even though he didn’t WANT to do the home projects, he knew they needed to be done. But it was the surprise element of doing these things that was the bigger issue.

In recognizing the importance of this point we were able to negotiate a different way of approaching things that needed to be done. We now talk ahead of time (whenever possible) about what needs to be done and the best time to do them. We now work on things like this in a more peaceable manner with both of us giving in a little (and sometimes a lot) and both of us stretching ourselves a little (and sometimes a lot) until we both feel it works for us.

• Acknowledge and give each other “grace and space” while working together. “A woman may feel restricted by her husband [or visa versa] when her husband says, ‘Here’s the job we need to do. We’ll start here, go to this, stick to this plan, and be done in two hours. She asks, ‘Why?’ Being boxed in is an energy drain for her. That’s why many couples have difficulty working together. She may want to take some side excursions and detours and he wants to stay on the main highway. He needs to stay focused to conserve energy [and enthusiasm] and she needs variation for the same reason.” (H. Norman Wright, How to Change Your Spouse, pg. 73)

“All it takes for a couple to be able to work well together is to recognize and acknowledge these differences, discuss them, and talk about how they affect their work together. This recognition will help them understand if what they want their partner to change is reasonable and attainable. If not, expectations and desires can be adjusted and a greater level of acceptance attained.” (H. Norman Wright, How to Change Your Spouse, pg. 74)

Steve and I have learned all of this the hard way. I sure hope this article can help you to short-cut or escape some of the pitfalls we’ve experienced.

I know the Lord is pleased when we work to consider each other’s needs as more important than our own. After all, isn’t that the example the Lord gave us in how he led His life? The Bible says in Philippians 2:3-4,

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”

We pray you’ll work to do the same in considering the differences that are gender related and work style related. Not every male or female approaches work like it’s mentioned above. Your work styles may even be reversed. But the point is, whatever your differences are, WORK with them instead of against them. Look for ways to be a team in whatever situation you have in front of you. You may be working with disabilities or varying abilities and talents or whatever! But don’t let that stop you. We should never consider the work to be done, more important that the person to be loved.

Learn to work through the differences as a team so the Lord is glorified. Work to do every task that comes your way as “unto the Lord.”

Questions uncover assumptions that might otherwise become invisible, emotional “land mines” that will explode unexpectedly and cause major damage to your relationship later. These questions provide a “shovel” which you can use to dig out the hidden mines before you step on them.

We do not want to put unnecessary stress on a relationship, but rather simply bring to light those areas in which there is existing agreement or disagreement.

As you discuss these questions, you may find only three or four that are potentially relationship-threatening disagreements. Work through these potentially explosive areas during the “deeply in love” part of your relationship.

Few areas of married life cause more yelling, pouting, and throwing of things than the financial area.

To the extent that you are making different financial assumptions, it is likely that you will go through your marriage with some severe strains in this area. Discussing your financial assumptions will help reduce the amount of frustration, pressure, and tension you experience in this area throughout your married life.

Make sure your assumptions are compatible in this area today!

1. Who’s going to write the checks to pay our monthly bills in our household?

2. Who’s going to balance the bank statement each month?

3. What are your feelings about joint versus separate checking accounts?

4. How would you honestly describe yourself as a money manager?

5. How much money should we spend on furniture the first year? What about buying good used furniture? What furniture style do you prefer?

6. Do you see both of us working this next year? If so, for how long?

7. How much income would you like us to make (together) this next year?

8. In today’s economy, how expensive a house (in your dreams) do you want to live in? In five years? Ten years? Twenty years?

9. What do you think about credit cards? Which cards should we keep (if any)?

10. Do you see yourself as “good with keeping books” or “bad with keeping books”?

11. Will our income support the standard of living you’ve become accustomed to? If not, what adjustments do we need to make?

12. What are your feelings about a monthly budget?

13. What do we need to do with my car, your car? What kind of car would you ideally like to drive? In five years? Ten years? Twenty years?

14. How much money do you currently spend each month on clothing? How much do we need to plan to spend on clothing during this year? How much would you like to spend per year in five years? Ten years?

15. What are your total financial obligations right now? (In some situations this is a critical question.)

16. What are your feelings about a will? When do you think we should have one made? Why?

17. How much money should we spend a year on luxury items such as jewelry, furs, athletic equipment, trips, etc.?

18. What percentage should we tip a server who does an outstanding job? An average job? A poor job?

19. How do you feel about borrowing money from our parents or relatives?

20. How do you feel about loaning money to our parents or relatives?

21. How much should you have to pay to gave your hair cut? Styled? What is a suitable tip for these services?

22. If we inherited a million dollars, what would you want to do with it?

23. What percent of our income should we give to the place of worship we attend? Why?

24. What percent of our income should we give to charitable organizations? Which ones?

25. How much life insurance should we have? Health insurance? What company? Why?

26. Do you want to invest some of our money? How? When?

27. How much should we spend on a getaway weekend?

28. How would you have the most amount of fun if we only have five dollars spend some evening?

29. How much should we spend on special occasions like:

• Birthdays: each other’s, parents, children, friends, others (your name)

• Anniversaries: our own; parents, friends, relatives, others

• Other special days: Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day

• Christmas: each other’s gift, parents, children, other relatives, coworkers, friends, decorations?

30. Who should do the gift buying? If it’s usually the same person, how does the other one help?

31. What should be the dollar limit on purchases made without the other’s knowledge? Why?

32. Prioritize the following typical household items as to their importance to you.

___ Athletic equipment

___ Color TV

___ Dishwasher

___ Food processor

___ Hobby items

___ Bedroom furniture

___ DVD Player

___ Washer/Dryer

___ Compact disc player

___ Dining room furniture

___ Food dehydrator

___ Freezer

___ Living room furniture

___ Microwave

___ Stereo system

___ Video camera

___ Other: _____________

Bobb and Cheryl Biehl have been married since August 22, 1964. Bobb is the founder and president of Masterplanning Group International www.masterplanninggroup.com and is a charter member of the Focus on the Family board of directors. Cheryl is an author/speaker and a charter member of Trinity Forum. Bobb and Cheryl have two adult children and enjoy scuba diving and European travel as hobbies.

First, evaluate everyone’s needs.

Parents are not your enemy; they just do what comes naturally. If misunderstandings arise between you and your parents or parents-in-law, don’t strike out at them for loving you, even if their method is wrong. Since both mates have an intimate need to be at peace with their parents, don’t be disrespectful to your in-laws.

Instead, when frustrations occur, analyze the situation with your mate and agree together about the cause. Evaluate everyone’s real need, what went wrong, and most importantly, look for a creative solution. If either mate has wronged a parent, ask forgiveness. If a decision is needed to protect the integrity of the marriage, make it together. Then look for a creative way to communicate this to the parents.

Second, maintain privacy.

Commit together never to share any intimate needs or decisions with either set of parents without your mate’s permission. A husband may be dreaming of a new car, and his wife simply mentions it to her dad. The father then voices his disapproval to her husband, and the husband feels betrayed. Couples must build their lives together, and everything should remain private unless agreed otherwise.

Third, handle critical statements with care.

Never be critical about your mate to your parents or allow them to make critical statements about your mate. Sharing something critical about your mate is damaging, not only to your mate, but also to your parents. Why? Because parents never forget the problems shared, and rarely allow your mate to change (in their minds). Your parents naturally become overly protective of their own children.

We know one wife who revealed a financial irresponsibility by her mate in the first year of their marriage, and her parents are still bringing it up after twenty years. Parent don’t have the opportunity to see your mate change and improve as you do. They only have your comments to go on.

Do yourself and your parents another favor. The next time they make a critical statement about your mate, respond with a strong but loving rebuff. I know of one man whose mother was just leading up to a critical remark about his wife. He interrupted with, “Mom, I love you a lot, but please don’t be critical of my wife. I want you to know she is God’s gift to me, and I don’t want to hear those criticisms.”

His mother hastily replied, “Don’t be silly; I wasn’t going to be critical of her.”

The wise son responded with, “Forgive me, Mom. I just so want you two to be friends, because I love you both so much.” He was strong but kind to his mother.

Fourth, develop a plan for visiting in-laws.

Before visiting your parents, especially early in marriage, agree on the length of time that you plan to stay. One idea is to allow your wife to go home to her parents a few days earlier than you in order to give her parents the attention they need before you arrive. Men, occasionally go home to see your parents alone. Sometimes parents need time alone with their children after they are married. If you live close to either parent, this will not be a problem.

Most importantly, when visiting as a couple, let your mate have the freedom to love his own parents. If you feel somewhat ignored while at your spouse’s parents’ home, anticipate and discuss it before your next visit.

For example, you might want to go somewhere with your wife while at her home. Since she is the one who is naturally accepted in her home, take her aside and tell her your plan—that way she can announce the need for you both to go somewhere at the appropriate time. She takes total responsibility for the decision.

You are free from the possibility of hurting her parents, and they better understand and accept the decision. If in-laws tend to visit too much, agree on a plan; then the child of that in-law should talk to the parent. Don’t put your mate in a position that might offend or hurt your parents. It’s easier to deal with your parent yourself so your spouse is still approved and not involved in the tough discussions.

Fifth, be considerate toward your in-laws.

Ask your mother-in-law and father-in-law what they would prefer that you call them. Let them know you will be glad to call them Mom and Dad if they prefer. You may be more comfortable calling them by their first names, especially if you have known them for a long time. Asking gives them the freedom to say, “It’s up to you.”

Another thing that demonstrates consideration is dropping your parents-in-law an occasional card, thanking them for their role in your mate’s life or for allowing you to visit. Courtesy with parents not only brings joy to them and to you, but increases the possibility of an exciting grandparent-child relationship in the future.

The above article comes from the book, 2 Becoming One by Don and Sally Meredith www.2becoming1.com, published by Christian Family Life, Inc.. In this book Don and Sally share time-tested principles and practical insights that will help you build a Christ-centered marriage. You’ll learn: The 6 reasons marriages fail, God’s three purposes for marriage, the two forces for change in a marriage, how to end the insult-for-insult cycle, and much more!

Don and Sally Meredith are marriage counselors who have taught relationship principles for married couples, parents, and adult singles for over 30 years. In 1971, they founded Christian Family Life, to further the training of lay people, and in 1976 co-founded the FamilyLife Ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. The Meredith’s have four grown children and reside in Charlotte, North Carolina.

What are the implications of this truth for in-law relationships? Simple—if you get off to a warm, positive start with your in-laws, the odds are good you’ll enjoy a long-term cordial relationship. On the other hand, if your first year of marriage is filled with frequent telephone and face-to-face arguments with your mother-in-law—about everything from oven settings to career decisions, your future does not bode well.

Here are 3 bits of in-law wisdom learned (the hard way!) by several marriage veterans:

1. The “Don’t Share Marital Dirty Laundry with Your Folks!” Policy: You have a marital spat. Or a knock-down-drag-out. You’re fuming. He’s a jerk. She’s a selfish brat. Do yourself a favor. DON’T call your mom and/or dad and vent. You may get things off your chest and feel better. But parents have a hard time “flushing these kinds of conversations. They will (consciously or not) keep a mental list of how that son/daughter-in-law is not being a good spouse. Human nature is that, over time we suppress and/or forget bad memories. Unless they have to do with our in-laws!

2. The “Blood is Thicker Than Water” Dictum: It’s December 23, say, and you’re home for the holidays (after an exhausting drive). Mom announces she REALLY wants you two to participate in the annual Christmas Eve tradition of rousing Christmas caroling with the church choir. You’d both sooner submit to a [tooth] root canal without anesthesia. Instead of letting your spouse (the “in-law”) be the one to disappoint your parents, you need to be the one to say “no.” Your parents will be upset, but they’ll forgive you sometime over the next three months. They wouldn’t forgive your spouse for three YEARS (if then).

3. The “Stand-Up-for-Your-Spouse” Law: A parent inappropriately criticizes your spouse (i.e., their son/daughter-in-law). Or they are cool. Or cold. Or downright rude. You must not ignore this. Gently and lovingly confront your mom/dad and let it be known that you will not stand idly by and allow this kind of mistreatment. If you do nothing, your parent(s) will be emboldened to step up the attack, and your spouse will feel betrayed and abandoned.

Some In-Law Questions for Newlyweds:

1. How will you respond if and when your parents say something negative about your spouse?

2. How and where will you spend your first Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays?

3. What have you done in the last month to show appreciation and love to your parent(s)?

4. What specific things have you done so far during your first year of marriage to try to build good will and good relationship with your in-law(s)?

5. Read Genesis 26:34-27:46. What principles (good or bad) for in-law relationships do you see here?

6. Read Exodus 18:13-24. What principles (good or bad) for in-law relationships do you see here?

7. Read the book of Ruth. What principles (good or bad) for in-law relationships do you see here?

8. What emotional ties with your parents interfere with your relationship with your beloved?

9. Would you consider borrowing money from either set of parents? Why or why not?

10. What are the pluses and minuses of getting into financial deals with parents?

The above article can be found in the book, Marriage Clues for the Clueless written by Len Woods, Christopher D Hudson, Jeanette Dall, and Mary Ann Lackland, published by Promise Press. This little book is filled with expert advice, fun “how we met” stories, and loads of encouragement on all kinds of topics from engagement to enjoying the “empty nest.” You’ll discover: What to expect at each stage of your relationship, Biblical foundations for lasting marriages, 52 ways to say “I love you,” unforgettable words of wisdom from couples who have “been there, done that,” survival tips for the battle of the sexes, surprising differences between his needs and her needs, and much, much more. Whether you need rules about “fighting fair,” dealing with children, or you simply need encouragement to make your marriage better, this book can help.

So often when we marry we don’t realize that severe illness will come upon our lives together. And when it does, and it’s severe and long-lasting we’re not sure we can continue in our commitment to each other.

When illness becomes a part of your marriage (which it will inevitably will, in some form or the other), we pray that you’ll be able to find the help you need to be there for each other so you can live out the promises you made to each other and to God to “love, honor, and cherish” in health as well as in sickness. As Marlene Bagnull—the editor of the book For Better, For Worse said, “The temptation to put our own spin on the promises we made is always present.

• To have and to hold… and to control.
• For better or worse… as long as there’s more better than worse.
• For richer or poorer… but love doesn’t pay the bills!
• In sickness and health… but I didn’t sign on to be a doctor or nurse.
• Forsaking all others… but can’t I at least look?
• To love and to cherish… when that’s how my mate treats me!
• Till death do us part… You mean there’s no escape clause?

Today some couples do write their own vows, but the key word commitment, may not be included or taken seriously. After all, we live in a free country and we have a “right” to be happy. But marriage is about so much more than “living happily ever after.” You can read more about this in the book mentioned below.

With this said, we’d like to share with you the following article which came from the book, For Better, For Worse compiled and edited by Marlene Bagnull. The following excerpt was titled, “In Sickness” by Jana Carman:

The bride looked startled as she opened my shower gift. Tucked in a plastic box were a thermometer, a box of bandages, a tube of burn ointment, a sickroom bell, aspirin and several medicine cabinet kinds of things that every household needs sooner or later.

“Love is not always glamorous, but it will help you get to the bathroom when you’re sick,” Helen Woodhall wrote in an open letter to her granddaughter in Guideposts magazine. It also helps you mop up when someone doesn’t make it there in time, or go out in the middle of the night for cough medicine, or change bandages or sheets again and again.

Most of us going into marriage have had no worse ailment than a broken bone or a bad case of the flu. Serious illness or injury is something that happens to other people. It never occurred to me that our family would experience the heartbreak and upheaval of mental illness, yet over a period of fifteen years we coped with four separate hospitalizations for extended times.

Sometimes coped was barely the word. Each time John and I suffered together as his depression became more severe. Each time the agonizing decision to go back to the hospital had to be made—or was made for us by a crisis. And each time we struggled together as John climbed that steep hill back to health.

It was during one of the crisis times that I leaned against my father and cried, “Daddy, I don’t know how I can take any more.”

He may have felt like he was mouthing an empty cliché, but he said what I needed: “Take it one day at a time.”

Someone has said that none of us can carry a lifetime’s burden, but we can each carry this hour’s worth. “Your strength will equal your days” (Deuteronomy 33:25).

O Lord, You alone are my strength. Pick me up when I collapse. Comfort me in pain. Carry me in weakness. Infuse me with Your power to go on. Thank You for staying close. Amen.

(A note from the editor of Marriage Missions: You can find another article on this subject in the “Mental and Physical Health” section. It’s entitled, “In Sickness And In Health” which features two testimonies—one of them being written from someone who had to deal with their spouse’s illness in the beginning of their marriage. Also, you can find additional helpful information on this subject by going to the search engine on our web site on the top left hand corner and putting in the word, “illness” and it will bring up other information on this topic.)

The above true-life article (along with the comments from Marlene Bagnull) can be found, along with numerous others, in the book, “For Better, For Worse” compiled and edited by Marlene Bagnull, published by Christian Publications, Inc. www.christianpublications.com. What’s so wonderfully unique about this book is that it even has a section dealing with illness within marriage. You don’t find that subject being addressed very often. Part of the reason for this is because of the book’s format. It goes through each part of the wedding vows (”To Have and to Hold, For Better or for Worse, For Richer, or for Poorer, In Sickness and in Health, Forsaking All Others, To Love and to Cherish, Till Death Do Us Part”) and has numerous true stories about real people—who are choosing to live out the vows they made on their wedding days. We love true stories that we can learn through and this book is packed with them!

Are those differences good, bad, or just different? And how do you bridge those differences so that it doesn’t cause a permanent problem in your relationship?

After-all, being married is all about partnership and being a marital team.

So, how do you bridge that gap? Below is a link to an article that addresses that issue. It doesn’t give an answer to every difference, but it gives you another way of seeing and dealing with them that might help in some way.

So, to read what Robert and Jeannette Lauer have to say about this dilemma, click onto the link below:

• Good, Bad or Just Different?

It’s important to realize that everyone approach life from different angles for many different reasons. Many of them come about because of different expectations we’ve held onto deep inside. Many of them we didn’t even realize we had until they are challenged in some way.

It could be productive to bring some of those expectations to the surface to examine and find ways to make them work out within the life you are building together. To help you to do that, we are providing a link so you can read an article on this subject which is posted on another web site. To read this article, please click onto the link below:

• EXAMINING EXPECTATIONS Through the Question of the Week

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

Barbara and I were no exception. Perhaps the biggest adjustment we faced early in marriage resulted from our differing backgrounds. Barbara grew up in a nice suburban setting near Chicago and later in a suburb of Houston. I grew up in Ozark, Missouri, a tiny town in the sticks. Barbara came into our marriage a refined young lady. I was a genuine hillbilly.

Some issues, triggering the need for adjustments in marriage, are major: like being raised in a dual or single-parent family; or being an only child or growing up with several siblings; or coming from an economically—challenged family; or a family that had it all; or growing up with parents who didn’t embrace religious faith. The list goes on and on: opposite personalities, differing cultural backgrounds.

Minimally, a couple will have to adjust to differing traditions, values, habits, and rules learned in unique backgrounds. As time passes, other adjustments to sexual performance, financial pressures, and job demands may be required. And let’s not forget a big adjustment in a small package— spelled B-A-B-Y! That’s right: the first child.

Often it’s the minor differences that cause the most frustration and requires the most creative flexibility. Someone has said, “We’re worn down less by the mountain we climb than by the grain of sand in our shoe.” One of those tiny grains of sand can be the toilet seat. The husband may come from a family of all boys where the toilet seat’s default position was up. If this guy marries a girl from a family of all girls, where the seat remained in the horizontal dimensions, you know the potential for conflict and the need for adjustment.

In our home, for years a grain of sand was the way I “helped” Barbara by putting my socks in the clothes hamper wrong side out so that “the dirty side got washed.” She’s finally trained me to do it the “right” way.

Every married individual must adjust to qualities in a spouse that weren’t noticed or were ignored, during the dreamy days of dating. How many people have encountered a painful frustration in marriage and asked have themselves, “Did I marry the wrong person?”

If that question arises, you need to confront it immediately. If you don’t resolve whatever doubts you have promptly, they’ll hang indefinitely like a distant storm cloud on the horizon of your relationship.

Anyone struggling with this question should go back to biblical admonition in Genesis 2:24-25, where spouses are commanded to leave, cleave, become one flesh, and be completely transparent with each other. If you’re bothered by such doubts, face them by getting away alone for a weekend to seek out the Lord and pray for His peace on this matter.

Let me assure you that you’re married to the right person. How do I know this? It’s because God hates divorce and wants your marriage to last. You may have gone against some biblical admonitions in getting to where you are in your marriage, but the Scripture is clear: You’re not to undo a “mistake” and, in the process, make a 2nd mistake.

The solution to handling issues of adjustment lies in regarding your relationship is more important than your individual values and desires. If you hold on tightly to what you want, you’ll never get to the point where you understand that the well being of the overall relationship is what ultimately matters.

Here are some points to remember as you make adjustments in your relationship:

1. Recognize that adjustments are inevitable. Every married couple has to deal with the grains of sand in their shoes. It’s 100% normal. If you realize up front that you’ll have to make changes in your behavior and learn to tolerate frustrating traits in your spouse, your attitude will be more in line with what James wrote: “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials” (James 1:2). He said to consider it all joy when you encounter trials—not if you encounter them.

2. Understand that adjustments have a divine purpose. God uses these issues to combine two unique people into something new called “us.” I also believe that God uses adjustments to teach us how to love another dramatically different, imperfect human being. At prime moments, God will use your marriage to show you how to love the unlovely.

3. Ask God for wisdom on how to live with this person who’s different from you. Instead of trying to change your spouse and correct all of the bad habits, how can you accept the situation or adjust yourself? Barbara realized this early in our marriage. She recalls, “I had to realize that God had to change Dennis. I couldn’t.” Marriage may be an institution, but it isn’t a reformatory.

4. Be more concerned about your own rough spots than those of your spouse. Jesus said we should take the log out of our own eye before trying to take the speck out of someone else’s eye. That’s’ truly advice made in heaven for marriage. If I’m not willing to make changes, how can I expect Barbara to change?

5. Make a commitment to work through inevitable adjustments. The apostle Paul provided guidelines for handling adjustment rhubarbs when they come your way: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself” (Philippians 2:3). That’s a description of a grace-based marriage—giving your partner room to be different and flexing on his or her behalf.

Sometimes at our Family Life Marriage Conferences, the speaker asks couples to face each other and say aloud, “You’re not my enemy.” Later in the conference husbands and wives go a step farther when they say to each other, “You are my friend.”

Do you consider your wife or husband a friend? If not, is it possible that the two of you haven’t adjusted to each other’s differences and are letting the “nit-picky” issues in life rub away the good feelings in your relationship?

Making adjustments is usually not easy, but the rewards are worth the effort. What changes could you make today that will communicate clearly that your spouse is a dear friend, not an enemy?

It offers what you need to know and do in the early years to make your marriage last a lifetime. It discusses concrete ways to put important principles such as communicating more effectively, forgiving each other, discovering how to meet each others needs, keeping God at the center of your relationship, handling in-laws, sex, money, and time pressures into practice so you can build a foundation for your marriage on which it can grow.

We hear of that problem quite often here at Marriage Missions. They ask: “How could my spouse have changed that much in just one day (or one week, or month, or year)?” “Were they fooling me all along or was I blind to the the way they really were?”

To address this problem, we’d like to have you read an article posted on the web site for the ministry of Focus on the Family.

To read the article, click onto the links below:

• This Isn’t the Person I Married!

And then a past article from Marriage Partnership Magazine:

• Did We Make a Mistake in Marrying?

“…we have an unusually strong love.”
“…we really know each other.”
“…we’re compatible.”
“…we’ve discussed the potentially troublesome areas and agree on everything.”
“…we’ve had premarital counseling.”
“…we’ve had counseling and have our acts together.”
“…neither of us has ever had counseling. We’ve got our acts together.” “…everyone is behind us—our parents, our friends, the church, everyone.” “…we’re both Christians.”
“…we have peace about getting married, so we know it’s God’s will.”
“…we’ve decided never to let the D-word (divorce cross our lips.”
“…we’ve both been married before. We now realize the mistakes we made before, and we won’t make those again.”

Before a couple marries, they feel invulnerable. Love sweeps them along on a cloud from which they can’t see the ground, much less the pit—even if they wished to look, which they don’t.

Then they come back from the honeymoon.

Making Their Own Rules for Marriage
Fromma and Leo were reared in Christian homes. Throughout their engagement, they talked constantly. They knew each other’s position on Bosnia, reduction of the national debt, number of children they wanted (three), type of car (cheap at first, later a Volvo), debt (don’t go into debt except fro a house), pets (a dog), vacations (camping in the national parks), and many other controversial topics. They were unusually compatible. They had never thought to talk about who should take the trash out. That was obvious—beyond question.

Fromma’s father always took out the trash. Leo’s mother always took it out.

For three weeks after they returned from their honeymoon, trash collected in the kitchen. They stepped over it. They each neatened the piles when the mate wasn’t around. Both were too polite, too much in love to mention how the other was shirking a minor responsibility.

“Honey,” said Fromma in their fourth week. “Would you mind emptying the trash?” Leo smiled. “Sure, darling. I’d be glad to.” But it’s a woman’s work, he thought.

Three weeks later, Fromma tripped over an empty milk carton. “Honey, please take the trash out.” Leo’s lips smiled but his teeth were clenched. “Sure, darling.”

Two and a half weeks later, summer’s heat was making the kitchen an aromatic place. “Leo, can you take out the trash? It stinks in here.”

Leo slammed the wastebasket around and threw scraps of potato into an empty vegetable can. “We’re going to have to talk about this trash thing,” he snapped. The honeymoon was really over this time.

Fromma and Leo had come from different families and the “trash thing” was merely one of many differences they would uncover in their marriage. Early in the marriage, small differences are ignored, but a necessary part of forming a marriage is discussing the differences that partners bring to marriage and working out how the partners are going to resolve the differences (as well as working out a solution to the specific differences).

In some research I did several years ago. I found that happily married couples who had been married less than three years had more disagreements than did unhappy couples who had been married less than three years. However, the happily married couples who discussed their differences grumbled about their relationships less than did unhappy couples who did not discuss their differences. For couples married from three to fifty-six years, fewer disagreements were associated with marital happiness. Not so for newly wedded couples.

Working out inevitable differences is often emotional and painful. Yet some conflict is necessary, as long as the couple works on the differences in love and with a primary objective of valuing the partner rather than winning a war.

Young couples seek help with their early conflicts. They need know that such conflict is necessary, as long as the couple works on the differences in love and with a primary objective of valuing the partner rather than winning a war.

Young couples seek help with their early conflicts. They need to know that such conflicts are normal—which doesn’t make conflict any less traumatic but should encourage them to work on resolving the issues rather than burying the conflict and grumbling about each other.

Dealing with the (Almost) Inevitable Disillusionment
Usually within the first six months of marriage, partners become disillusioned with each other. Regardless of how careful people are, they marry their ideal of the souse rather than an accurate picture of the spouse. Once reality bursts through the ideal, the partner feels betrayed. “You’re not the person I married,” she might wail. She’s betrayed. “You’re not the person I married,” she might wail. She’s right. She married a figment of her imagination. Everyone does. Disillusionments are almost inevitable. The question is: what is the newly married partner to do about the disillusionment?

It can be helpful for a newly married spouse in the midst of disillusionment, feeling a wrenching catch in the catch in the chest each time a deep breath is drawn, to talk with someone who has survived disillusionment. Merely the encouragement to keep faith in the partner might be enough to spur the person to continue to work to build love with the “new” person he or she is discovering.

Adjusting to New Roles and Behaviors
People who haven’t previously been married soon find marriage a bit like bushwhacking through a jungle. Marriage has hidden beauties and unsuspected dangers. Despite conscientious efforts to prepare for marriage, people simply can’t know how they’re going to adjust until they marry.

Seeking Help
Having to negotiate the patterns and rules of a new marriage, handling the almost inevitable disillusionment, and getting used to new roles guarantee that newly married couples will need adjustment to marriage.

Marriage Missions Editors Note: The author, Dr Everett Worthington, makes some good points in the above section of his book, I Care About your Marriage.

Eventually, when your love is challenged by the everydayness of living together day in end day out, it’s only natural that the “uniqueness” wears thin and can take you by surprise. It’s also heart-breaking and can stir up of thoughts of disillusionment.

But the important thing is to realize that this is a normal stage of marriage. It’s at this point that you need to work together with each other’s differences to find peaceable solutions. You may find your arguments getting “heated” at times but don’t allow yourself to treat your partner in a disrespectful manner. Name-calling blaming, shaming, and torpedoing your “discussion times” is beneath the calling God gives all of us as Believers in Jesus Christ.

Marriage is for grown ups and now is the time to learn how to relate to each other in a mature way. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13, “When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”

Lean towards maturity and become students of each other and students of marriage in pro-actively working to find ways to best relate to each other. Build your marriage into the partnership God wants you to forge together. (Our web site and other resources can help you in this mission. Make the best use of them you can!)

The above article comes from the book, I Care About Your Marriage, which was written by Everett Worthington, Ph.D. and was published by Moody Press. Unfortunately this book, which dealt with the topic of helping friends and families with marital problems, is no longer being published.

The author, Everett Worthington, Ph.D., is Professor and Chair of the Department of Psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, where he has been on the faculty since 1978. He is also a licensed Clinical Psychologist in Virginia. He has published 17 books and over 150 articles and scholarly chapters, mostly on forgiveness, marriage, and family topics. He considers his mission as “to bring forgiveness into every willing heart, home, and homeland.”

At the same time you’re trying to show your best side, which is often more accommodating than your usual way of relating.

After being married for some time, you may feel as if the relationship has changed, and you’re not sure you like it. You and your husband don’t really talk the way you used to. And some of your husband’s personality traits or habits are now more irritating than charming. What’s happening here?

You’re changing from a bride to a wife. There’s a difference! Your relationship is becoming more real. Now you see the differences between you and your husband in light of forever. He’s going to want to watch football every Sunday for the rest of his life. That doesn’t sound like fun to me. He just sits in front of that TV for hours. What happened to talking?

Life has changed. You’re now married and living life with all its responsibilities. Jobs, homes, and children can take up so much of your energy that you seem to stop growing as a couple. And the most frustrating part may be that it seems perfectly fine with your husband. That’s where the acceptance comes into play.

Mature love can accept that marriage is different from dating. Not worse, just different. Mature love can accept that priorities do change and that they need to change. A mature wife can accept that the way her husband shows his love now may be through working hard to provide for his family instead of taking you out every week for a long talk over dinner. A wife accepts that after a long week, maybe the activity her husband needs the most is just “zoning” in front of the TV.

Please don’t misunderstand me. Marriage is meant to include many forms of love—friendship, romantic, sexual, and unconditional—and the expression of each type includes communication.

We as wives need to accept that communication—like anything else in marriage—will be better in some seasons than in others. Sometimes you will enjoy new heights of intimacy, but at other times you and your husband won’t have opportunities to talk about much more than the coordination of your busy schedules. Accept the ebb and flow of communication, and find a balance that you and your husband agree on.

Melanie Chitwood, herself, says the following about this book:

If you’re like me and many of the women I’ve talked to, you’ll have some reservations about discovering what your husband needs from you. You might think the ideas in this book are outdated or overly traditional. You might believe that a woman who has neither a mind nor an identity of her own. One woman laughed out loud at the title of this book. Another said she would probably never read it. Still another woman said the title makes her think of hired help, like the housekeeper or gardener.

I discovered that many times a husband’s needs are the last thing women what to talk about. After all, our pop culture promotes thoughts like these: What about my needs? How can I be happy? How’s this working for me? What’s a quick fix? However, considering that half of all marriages end in divorce, even among Christians, I would venture to say that our faulty thinking and practices are simply not working. Many women have adopted the lies of the world that tell them to put themselves first, fearing that if they don’t, their husbands will take advantage of them.

I hope this book will point your heart and mind to God. God created marriage, and the Bible is His instruction manual. His Word is eternal and does not have an expiration date.

A second reservation might surface as you consider the challenges of your own marriage. Perhaps you’re thinking, “But wait! You don’t know what kind of marriage I’m in! You don’t know what a jerk my husband can be! You don’t know all the awful things he’s said and done to me! He doesn’t deserve my love at all!” No, I don’t know about your marriage, but be assured that God knows everything about you, your husband, and your marriage. Nothing is too difficult for Him. No situation is beyond His loving hands and healing touch.

…As you read this book, be careful not to think of it as a self-improvement plan. Anything based on fixing or changing our marriages in our own strength is mission the point. A self-improvement plan focuses on self. By surrendering our marriages, however, we are putting our faith in God. As you read numerous ideas to apply to your marriage, ask the Holy Spirit to show which specific actions and attitudes your husband needs, and ask God to reveal ideas not mentioned here. God knows you and your husband. He knows the transformation your marriage needs.

Scripture is clear that there is—and should be—something undeniably different about the first year of marriage. The implication is that, particularly for a husband, there is a receptivity to change during this year, perhaps as at no other time in his life. We call this “the wet cement year.” Once the patterns of the marriage are set, change can and does occur, but it may take something like a jackhammer to bring it about.

Too many women spend the first year of marriage working hard not to make waves, hoping that the little irritants and insensitivities of their husbands will simply go away. But in almost every marriage we’ve observed, problems not dealt with in the first year simply become larger and more paralyzing as the years go by.

The Slow Learner Principle—”For one year” Have you ever heard one of these comments come out of a woman’s mouth?

• “If he really loved me, he would figure it out.”
• “How can he say that he loves me and keep doing the same insensitive things again and again?”
• “If I have to tell him what I want, then it doesn’t count!”

Consider the contrast between the attitude that lies beneath these comments and the suggestion from the Bible that it will take a man an entire year of focused effort to learn how to please his wife. An entire year!

The changes that a couple needs to make (particularly the changes the husband needs to make) can be less painful if dealt with in the first year, but they may not come quickly. Our friend Lois was particularly startled at how challenging the first year of her marriage was. Things just fell into place so naturally when she and Andy were dating. But now, it felt as though they were swimming through molasses. Her frustration came primarily because she wasn’t prepared. She simply hadn’t anticipated how slowly her husband would be able to “figure things out.”

Awareness that lasting change will take time can free a wife from having to resort to negative nagging to motivate her husband into change. Being prepared in this way can help her to celebrate the small steps of growth her husband does make as he is learning to “bring happiness” to her.

Let’s face facts: Most husbands are clueless when it comes to understanding women. They love their wives and want to see them happy. But they are easily confused about expressing love in a way that truly brings pleasure to their wives.

…Look closely at the Old Testament passage [Deuteronomy 24:5, which says, "If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married."]. The good news hinted at in this ancient Scripture is that your husband can, in fact, learn to understand what brings you pleasure. Your husband is not expected to become a genius when it comes to women. He is, though, charged to become the world’s greatest expert at understanding what pleases you! And to accomplish this, he will need your help.

The Responsive Feedback Principle—”bring happiness to the wife he has married” Bobbie has a friend who was a first-grade teacher. She told me the story of Zachary, the boy with the unkempt hair. Day after day Zachary came to school with a terminal case of “bed head.” What is this boy’s mother thinking? That teacher wondered.

One day she announced, “Tomorrow is picture day,” and then she wrote a note to the children’s mothers and sent it home in the kids’ classroom with his hair perfectly combed. This was her big chance. Before class began, Zachary made his way toward her desk, and she spoke to him quietly enough that none of the other students could hear. “Wow, Zachary, you’d better get your running shoes on,” she said with a twinkle in her eye. “Your hair looks so good that all the girls will be chasing you today!”

She never had to say anything else the rest of the year about Zachary’s hair. She didn’t need to.

Men are wired a good bit like little Zachary—wired to respond to the positive feedback that comes from the decisions they make. There are few things more powerful a wife can do to motivate her husband than to let him know that his actions and his words are making a difference.

I love the way Neil Clark Warren makes sense of this process: “My love for another person is strongly related to my love for myself when we are together. If the most potent motivation in my life is to feel good about myself—and I believe it is—then I will love an individual most when she helps me to feel best abut myself.”

When a wife says, “I like that!” or “That counts for me,” her husband feels empowered and motivated and is much more likely to repeat what he did to please her. But a man who believes that he can never satisfy his wife will soon give up trying and invest his energy in places—like his job—where the results are much more clearly seen. Am I suggesting that you fake happiness so your husband can feel good about himself? Not at all. I’m merely saying that one of the greatest gifts you’ll ever give him is to respond well to the things he does do that make you happy. He needs to know that you noticed.

Recognizing the success of their own marriages, the authors decided to share their experiences and advice with couples in that make-or-break first year of marriage, which they call the “wet cement” year. Both “books” have the same layout and cover topics such as money, sex and in-laws, but they cater, thematically to the gender of their audience. Each book is neatly wrapped up with a “Meet in the Middle” section, which offers questions and exercises the husband and wife can work through together to continue to build upon the lessons they’ve just learned. We HIGHLY recommend this book for newlyweds.

The above article is just a sample of some of the insightful information and advice you’ll get as you read the book in its entirety. We hope you’ll find a way to obtain it.

Perhaps the most interesting part of this phenomenon in men is that, at the same moment they’re feeling a sense of finality about their wedding day accomplishment, their brides are seeing it as just a beginning.

Choosing Not to Choose

An important single foundational assumption: Your marriage and your life are going to be a hundred times more satisfying, more resilient, and more prosperous if you intentionally develop the right habits in the first year—when the investment is fairly “inexpensive.”

If you undervalue this first year and develop bad habits, a solid marriage will be much more expensive to recover later on—or these habits may eventually destroy your marriage.

Time-Tested Principles

As you and I explore this first-year investment strategy, I want to unveil a treasure that is thousands of years old. Listen to this amazing piece of advice, tucked in the Old Testament between instructions on divorce and directions for the proper use of millstones when making a loan agreement (no kidding):

If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married. (Deuteronomy 24:5)

Although the prospects of such a thing may sound hilarious or outrageous to you, there are some interesting investment principles buried here that you’ll want to take seriously.

The Challenge Principle —”For one year”

Most guys love a contest. We gravitate toward the competitive. Well, here’s a huge challenge: If you want to have a great marriage, don’t do anything for a whole year except learn to love your wife.

I’m pretty sure I know what you’re thinking, “C’mon, be reasonable. I’ve got work to do. If I were to take a whole year off, I’d be fired from my job—and that wouldn’t be good for either of us.”

Don’t worry. I’m not advocating unemployment—just intentionality. Your job in your first year of marriage is to become an expert on one woman—your wife—and to learn, better than anyone else in the world, how to “bring her happiness.” And the Old Testament advice is to take one year, ONE WHOLE YEAR. A weekend seminar or a great book about marriage will not be enough—not even the standard five session premarital counseling commitment. There’s no other way to say it: It’s a big investment!

The ADD Principle—”not to be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him”

Like folks who suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), our problem often is our lack of focus. We’re distracted by things our wives don’t see-things they may not even care about.

Because you’ve checked “get married” off your list, you may be tempted to pay more attention to other unfinished things, such as going on to graduate school, landing a good job, or staying in shape physically. But now that you’re married, your most important assignment is working on building this relationship with your wife.

The Reciprocity Principle—”bring happiness to the wife he has married”

Chalk it off to our humanness, but most of us have this backwards. We’re eager for our wives to find ways to make us happy.

My friend Gary Smalley tells the story of a newlywed couple who moved into the house across the street from Hank and Edna. Soon Edna noticed that when the young groom came home from work each day, instead of pulling into the garage, he parked his car in the driveway and walked down the sidewalk to the front door.

She also noticed that he always had something in his hand—a wrapped gift, a bunch of flowers, or some other special item. He’d ring the doorbell, his wife would answer the door, he’d present the gift, and they’d embrace.

Edna couldn’t help herself. One evening after dinner she told Hank all about the couple and what the young husband did each day. “Why don’t you start doing that, Hank?” she wined.

“Well,” Hank stammered, “I guess I could.” He took a deep breath, “I could do that—but I don’t even know that lady.”

Regardless, Edna had it right. It was Hank’s job to remember what it was like when he was romancing her.

Early in our marriage my wife, Bobbie, said it to me this way: “I just want to know that, even though you’re busy, once in a while you stop and think about me.”

Okay, you might be thinking, but what should my wife do for me? That’s a fair question, but the answer is sobering. This Old Testament admonition says absolutely nothing about your wife’s job. She’s given no direction at all. But this is where the reciprocity part comes in. When you make her happiness your priority, your wife finds herself compelled to make you happy.

Doing everything you can do during this first year to make your wife happy is not just an unselfish act of martyrdom. Having a contented wife will make an immense difference in your own happiness.

The book of Proverbs affirms this idea with a touch of humor—in fact, these exact words appear twice in Proverbs: “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.”

Though it’s not always the case, unhappy, nagging, contentious, quarrelsome wives are often marred to overly busy, non-responsive, preoccupied, self-absorbed husbands. And, by trial and error, these wives have learned that the only way to get their husbands’ attention is to do something annoying.

Your challenge is to choose to pay more attention to your wife during this first year than you do to your neighbor’s new car or to the NCAA Final Four on television. And when you make this investment during the first year, your marriage will be far more satisfying for the rest of your life. It will be worth millions.

Decide to make the next twelve months the most important year of your life.

Recognizing the success of their own marriages, the authors decided to share their experiences and advice with couples in that make-or-break first year of marriage, which they call the “wet cement” year. Both “books” have the same layout and cover topics such as money, sex and in-laws, but they cater, thematically and tonally, to the gender of their audience. Each book is neatly wrapped up with a “Meet in the Middle” section, which offers questions and exercises the husband and wife can work through together to continue to build upon the lessons they’ve just learned.

The following is a short excerpt from the book, Passages of Marriage. In it they discuss the five growth stages called passages, that will take your marriage to greater intimacy and fulfillment. The following is a small edited portion of one chapter that talks about:

Young Love, the First 2 Years: Geometry buffs understand why a stool sits best on three legs; three points define a plane. They also define a stable marriage. A four-legged stool will wobble if all four legs aren’t exactly even and sitting on a flat surface. A one- or two-legged stool cannot stand alone. But you can perch a three-legged stool on uneven ground and you can sit securely. A three-legged stool adapts solidly to any situation.

Every marriage exists as a three-legged stool. One leg is the husband; another is the wife. Their third leg changes through time; it might be the kids, or the job, or buying and furnishing a home, the kids leave home, retirement, etc…

Right in the beginning, as in the fourth passage of marriage, the stool is two-legged, and therefore unstable. The happy newlyweds are certain that in each other their lives are complete. They don’t think they need a third leg. Their lives don’t have room for one. As a result, the marriage bond at first is extremely fragile and easily hurt, as are the marriage partners.

The First Task—Mold Into One Family: The first task newlyweds must accomplish if they’re to complete the first passage is to mold two absolutely different, independent persons into one unit. That won’t come easily. Take two headstrong individuals and forge them into a unit without sacrificing their individuality. What a formidable task! To get through the passage of young love with flying colors, you, as well as every other newlywed, have to master this task. Several things help in completing it.

On the Plus Side… A powerful tool comes built into this task of young love: excitement and enthusiasm—raw, exuberant energy.

On the Other Hand… One thing seriously hinders the move to unity: the possibility of breakage. Regardless of what the couple thinks (or imagines), their intimacy in the beginning is superficial. True intimacy grows only as a couple get to know each other better. Persons in a new relationship haven’t had enough chronological time to do that in depth. This is true no matter what the actual age of the persons involved. Teenagers and 70 year olds suffer equally. They feel compelled to walk on eggs, as it were, when dealing with each other. “Will this upset her?” “How will I tell him about this?”

A new couple, regardless of chronological age, has simply not logged enough time in harness to develop deep intimacy. Often a new couple inadvertently strain their fragile intimacy by loading it with burdens it cannot carry. “This is the intimate relationship that will solve all my other relationship problems from the past. I will finally receive what I need.” Friction with parents, failed prior relationships, perhaps even failed marriage—all melt away in the brilliant heat of this new and encompassing love.

Putting Original Family Patterns Behind… Pulling up roots exists in another dimension. The bride and groom have successfully left home. They’re on their own. But the home has not left them. The old patterns from home color nearly everything in the new marriage. Do you open gifts on christmas Eve or Christmas morning? Do you make your bed immediately upon rising or when you go through the house tidying up? Which is right? The way you did it when you were growing up is right, of course. An other way, though not exactly wrong, isn’t right either. Obvious examples such as these seem overly simplistic, but far more subtle “rights” and “not rights” color our day-to-day living. What’s more damaging, they color a mate’s perception of the spouse.

The Second Task—Overcome the Tendency to Jockey for Control: The second task is one which will resurface off and on throughout all the passages of marriage. Each spouse will ask, “Who’s in control here?” as different situations arise, from the choice of a restaurant for a Friday night date to the purchase of a new home. The source of conflict will change, as will the couple’s methods of responding to it, but conflict itself is present in all relationships.

Conflict is inevitable, no matter what the ages or backgrounds. The new couple aren’t far enough into their relationship to know that conflict is nothing more than a normal part of marriage. How the couple deal with that conflict, however, can make or break the union. [Marriage Missions Editor's note: for help in this area of your marriage look in the "Communications" section of this web site for tools to help you work through conflicts in less damaging ways.]

Also, expectations transfer from courtship into marriage and so does every unresolved issue. Conflicts the couple thought would disappear, little things in their engagement, blossom into big things in marriage.

Attitude Adjustment in Conflict… The couple in the throes of young love, not yet fully comfortable with each other, will instinctively guard what they say and do. They know (although they might not articulate that knowledge) that the greater the openness, the greater the potential for conflict. What they may not realize is, the greater the openness, the greater the potential for improved intimacy.

The Third Task—Build a Sexual Union: Unlike other biological needs—food, shelter, water—the sex drive is profoundly influenced by factors outside biology. Physical factors such as drugs or alcohol, fatigue, stress, and physical disabilities alter sexual response. But the most active sex organ, and the least appreciated, is the brain. It does its thing largely beyond the conscious level. Personal problems and distractions, fear, misconceptions about sex (”hang-ups”) and the emotional states of both parties are subconscious mental factors.

In the area of sexuality, as in the areas of many decisions within the new family, time capsules from your childhood family may begin to affect your sexual intimacy. We have never yet seen an exception to the rule that a woman (or man) abused in childhood will suffer some degree of sexual dysfunction in adulthood. Problems within the person include damage done by sexual abuse and other traumatic sexual experiences. Such damage almost always affects marital sex. In these cases professional counseling is almost always necessary We also recommend reading the book, The Wounded Heart… Hope for Adjust Victims of Sexual Abuse by Dr Dan Allendar.

We also suggest that couples consider another essential area of growth in their marriage, spiritual growth, which unites their marriage to the purposes and values of the God of the universe, who first ordained marriage.

Persons completing this first passage must trust that God exists beyond their family of origin. “Nonsense!” you fume. “Everyone knows that!” Sure they do, intellectually. but in childhood the heart has other ideas, and those ideas must be put away. The heart and head are often miles apart.

The newly married’s cannot know God as profoundly as can older people, but they can separate Him from the past and bring Him into the present and future of their new life together. Prayer to that end avails much. So does study and the inner examination of values. The new attitude toward God is an individual walk, of course, but do it also as a couple. Study together. Pray together. Find fellowship together with believers of like mind. Explore God and His claims together. Identify God with your new family in every area of your spiritual life.

ANALYSIS: Have We Completed This First Passage?

If your marriage is old enough to have done so, how well has it survived this First Passage? Is the passage completed? Check the statements below that apply to you. This is the type of inventory we make as we determine if a couple has completed the First Passage. We invite you to make your own assessment and make any adjustments that seem possible.

1. ____ I am willing to bend on issues that have popped up regarding the nitty-gritty of married life: who balances the checkbook, who does what cooking, who scrubs the toilet. As evidence of this, I can cite the following example:

2. ____ We have reached agreement, or at least an armistice, on some major control issues. Two specific instances I can point to that demonstrate progress are:

3. ____ I am willing to step out of my old family into this new one. Evidence that I am maturing into the new life as a marriage partner, or have done so, is:

4. ____ I have not come as far out of my family as I would like to, as illustrated by this instance:

“Three things I can do to reduce family ties are:

5. ____ I am willing to open up into intimacy. One recent instance in which I let myself be vulnerable to my make is:

“In this last week, my mate and I found time alone together (other than in bed!) ____ times.”

6. ____ “I can honestly claim that our sex life is open and honest and enjoyable for both of us, more so than in the beginning. A way in which it is improving is:

7. ____ “Okay. So I am willing to pursue romance with my spouse any way. Three instances lately in which my partner and I made a romantic gesture or pursued some romantic fantasy are:

With all this said, unfortunately this book is no longer in print. But there are ways of obtaining books that are no longer being published through www.amazon.com and other venues. You can even go to a search engine on the Internet like Google and put in “used books” to find some web sites that might have this book available to purchase.

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Others express it this way: “I feel like I’m on another planet, and I want to go home!” I miss being able to do what I want, to do, when I want to do it.” And here’s a favorite that marriage therapists hear often: “If two becoming one means that I disappear as a person, forget it!”

If you feel like this, don’t think you’re alone or that your situation is hopeless. The following quotations illustrate the fact that the adjustment period from aloneness to togetherness is often complex:

“I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan.” (Clair Cloniger)

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” (Rita Rudner)

Many couples wonder how the blending of two personalities and sets of ambitions, desires, and dreams could ever be expected by a wise and all-knowing God! Trying to adjust from “freedom” to partnership can be difficult and exasperating—but it’s a process, not just a determination.

Here are two principles to remember when moving from independence to interdependence in marriage.

1. The feelings are normal. When we shift from being single to being married, we experience loss. Losing something leaves us feeling sad. But as we grow in our relationship with the person we committed to, the grief can turn to joy and contentment.

It’s common for young couples to experience various levels of “buyer’s remorse.” That was the case for Nicole and Ted.

Nicole had waited for many years to find the right man to spend the rest of her life with. At age 33, she met Ted. Within 13 months they were married in her hometown of Atlanta.

Tough she was certain Ted was the man God had chosen for her, Nicole missed her independence. Often she felt sad, conflicted, confused—wondering whether she’d made the wrong decision about marriage. She loved Ted and was thankful for him, realizing she couldn’t have asked for a better man. But she struggled with having to give up her “alone time” and sense of freedom.

After praying, studying the Bible, and getting direction from Christian friends, Nicole began to see that her feelings were normal and that most people experience them. She accepted the responsibility of honoring the relationship God had given her with Ted. Each day she made conscious efforts to enjoy her relationship with her new husband in the fullest sense.

Though she occasionally needed time alone, Nicole learned to think in terms of two instead of one. When tempted to do her own thing at Ted’s expense, she resisted. When it would have been easy to plop down on the couch after a hard day’s work, she spent time with her husband first. Ted responded in a similar way, and their marriage developed into a bond filled with joy and intimacy.

That’s how closeness and biblical oneness develop in marriages in spite of selfish tendencies. Though challenging and often confusing, the transition from independence to interdependence is absolutely vital to your union.

2. It takes work to grow in oneness. On a torn envelope, Sarah finds the following note left on the kitchen table one morning:

“Sarah I know you said you would like to spend time with me. I agree that we’ve really grown apart lately. I think we need to spend more time together, and I know you were looking forward to relaxing for a couple of evenings. Well, you get your wish. The boss called and said I have to work tonight.

“By the way, would you mind ironing my golf shorts when you get home? I have a tournament tomorrow. Oh, before I forget, tomorrow night the guys are coming over to watch the game. You don’t mind, do you? And something else—I’m leaving on business to San Diego Monday. I’ll be gone the rest of the week.”

If Sarah is like most wives, she’s thinking, “How in the world does this goof-ball think we’re going to get close if he’s always gone or having someone over?” She’s right; healthy relationships don’t just evolve, they’re nurtured.

Suppose Jesus had taken the attitude that closeness would “just happen” with His disciples. “Okay,” He might say. “I have called you guys to be apostles. You have left everything to follow Me. But I have a lot of stress on Me; I have to save the world! So My ‘alone time’ is very important. Your job is to take the gospel to the whole world, but I really think you can handle this without Me. I’ll spend Saturdays with you, but the rest of the time you’re on your own.”

Is that how Jesus became “one” with His disciples? No. He understood the value of spending time with them, talking, teaching, dining, and experiencing happy and challenging moments together. There were times when Jesus needed to be alone, but He understood the value of being with His followers, too. In the end, He gave His life for them and they gave theirs for Him—the ultimate testimony of oneness.

If you find yourself struggling with the challenges of togetherness, here are some simple suggestions:

1. Remember who brought you together. God has united the two of you for a reason. It’s no accident. He calls you to become one (Genesis 2:24), to honor one another (Ephesians 5:22-33), to love one another (1 Corinthians 13), and to remain together until death separates you (Matthew 19:9).

2. Change the way you think. You’re still an individual. But God has called you to leave your father and mother and unite with your spouse. That means making changes in your thinking (you belong to someone else now) as well as your behavior (you don’t act like a single person anymore). Changing the way you feel. Start thinking like a married person, and you’ll probably begin to feel like one.

3. Educate yourself about God’s desire for unity in your marriage. Read Bible passages that emphasize the importance of oneness and unity (John 17; 1 Corinthians 7). Personalize them by inserting your name and the name of your spouse. Pray that God will show you any attitudes and actions that stand in the way of oneness. Stop focusing on your mate’s mistakes, and start working on unity by changing yourself.

4. Learn from others. Ask couples you know who have strong marriages how they moved from independence to interdependence. What mind-sets and habits did they adopt that worked for them?

If you asked that of Bill and Ruth, here’s what they might tell you.

Bill was independent. So was Ruth. For the first three years of their marriage things were so rocky that both felt they’d made a mistake in getting married. They developed separate interests and friendships, spent little time with each other, grew apart and even considered divorce. But because of their church background, they felt they had to stay together.

Things changed on their third anniversary. They made a commitment to each other: No matter what, they would learn how to connect and develop intimacy. They began studying the Bible and praying together, and attended every marriage conference they could find. They made spending time together a hobby; where you saw one, you’d see the other. They took up golf and skiing. For the next 20 years they would have at least one date a week.

Recently Bill and Ruth went to another marriage retreat—where they were voted Most Dedicated Couple. Their switch from aloneness to togetherness hadn’t just happened. They’d intentionally drawn closer and stuck with that commitment.

They’d probably tell you that intentional intimacy is an investment that always pays off—and they’d be right.

The above article comes from the terrific book, The First Five Years of Marriage, which is a Focus on the Family resource www.family.org, written by a number of Focus on the Family Counselors, published by Tyndale House Publishers, www.tyndale.com. We highly recommend this as a marriage guide! You’ll find that it’s quite comprehensive in the variety of topics it covers—which could help your marriage greatly. These topics include number of articles on the subjects of: Getting to Know Each other, Expectations, Roles, Money, Communication, Sex, Resolving Conflict, Spiritual Issues, In-Laws, Children, and Sticking with It.

As we read through this book we noticed of how practical and yet how easy of a read it is, plus how comprehensive it is in the scope of the topics it covers. The problems dealt with in The First Five Years of Marriage, are ones that most married couples encounter some time or the other in their relationship. We also realized how, if we had read this material and applied the advice given in the beginning of our own marriage, we could have avoided all kinds of misunderstandings!

What’s also great about The First Five Years of Marriage is that it’s written by a team of experienced counselors who have dealt extensively with the issues covered. And all of them contribute a different slant on the expertise they’re able to share with the readers—so it’s like having a team of counselors helping you!

Another way to develop the climate of intimacy in our relationship is by frequent glances at our spouses. This is one way to tell if an engaged couple is really in love with each other. Every joke, profound remark, or inane statement is a cause to glance at the other and share a look. Sadly, most couples begin to lose this eye contact after they have been married only a few months.

If you have grown less frequent in the deep, long, intimate looks or the quick, let’s-share-this-look, talk about it and begin to glance at each other often when in group discussion (or even watching television). If the other doesn’t glance back, give a nudge (if you’re close enough) and soon you may again enjoy the warm feeling of sharing these intimate moments.

Most women need a lot of affection. I’m sure I’m not the only woman who has wished that we were as affectionate now as we were while we were dating. Kathy and Larry Miller wrote about this in their book, When the Honeymoon’s Over:

When Larry and I were dating, Larry frequently held my hand, put his arm around me, and made me feel loved and important. When he expressed his love in that way publicly, I felt secure. After we were married, my Prince Charming rarely held my hand or put his arm around me. I was shocked. I began keeping track of how often he failed to hold my hand. That only made me bitter.

Larry responded:

After the wedding, who is their right mind would prefer holding hands to making love? I believed affection before marriage was just the means to getting the “real stuff” later, and somehow sex would replace the inferior hand holding. However, over the years I’ve learned to enjoy giving Kathy the affection she needs and deserves.

Of course, Toben’s not the only one in our marriage who can give affection. I can too! As I crave affection, I’ve started to hold his hand more when we’re driving in the car or taking a walk, and he’s started doing the same in response!

Toben:

So many things changed from the time when we were dating to when we got married. While we were dating, Joanne didn’t have a car at college for me to fill up on the weekends. We didn’t have a house to fix up or a garage to keep clean. And we didn’t have the time together that we now have as a married couple.

During our dating years, the time that we did have together was intensely focused on being together. We were so in love and wanted every moment together to count. I remember great conversations, walks around campus, time at the lake, late-night trips to Safeway for Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, and the fact that most of the time we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

After we were married the distractions started to creep in. There were “things to do around the house.” And I think we started to take for granted the time we had together. It started to get too easy to sit in front of the TV together or rent a movie.

The reality is that the more we took our time together for granted the more we suffered relationally. Every once in a while, tension would build up until something (or someone) snapped. We would realize after talking it out that we needed to spend some “quality time” together. We would really focus on each other for a while. We would take walks, go to the lake, or sit on the couch and talk.

But before long we would fall back into those old, lazy patterns. That cycle continues to repeat for us today. For the most part we catch it before it gets critical and we adjust to focus more on each other, but it requires constant mindfulness. Filling up the car with gas just isn’t enough.

Joanne knows that when I do that it’s my way of saying “I love you.” But I need to say “I love you” in ways that are more meaningful to her. And the only way I can be sure I’m doing it right is to ask her. Even after being married for a few years, there’s just no substitute for my asking, “What would make you feel loved?” Usually her answer is something incredibly simple like, “Come here and kiss me.” So it works out well for both of us!

Joanne:

Let me brag about my husband for just a minute. Toben loves me. You know how I know? Not just because he tells me, but also because he tells everyone that he loves me. Just yesterday, he came home from running errands with a friend. “I love you, Joanne,” he said. “And I told Kevin all about how much I love you.”

Occasionally I travel with Toben on business. When I meet people he has worked with, they always comment on how much Toben loves me and how wonderful he things I am.

In the New Testament, James has a lot to say about the power of words. This verse especially stands out to me: “Friends, don’t complain about each other. A far greater complaint could be lodged against you, you know” (James 5:9).

His command is simple: Don’t complain about each other. Toben never complains about me to other people. I wish I could say the same is true for me. But it’s so easy to complain. I couch it in humor, laugh while I say it, but it’s complaining nonetheless. “I just don’t understand it.” I say to another mother. “Toben hears Audrey wake up from her nap and just sits there. I’m determined not to get up—I’ve been with her all day. How can he not understand that it’s his turn to take care of her? Is he deaf?”

Toben is a great father, and that’s what I want to communicate to other people. How much better it would be for me to keep my complaint — no matter how small — to myself and instead use my words to build up my husband in the eyes of others. How much better it would be to use my words to show others what a loving and caring man he is.

I was visiting with some friends recently and one of them recounted a conversation she’d had with her husband. Filled with profanity, tinged with bitterness, and laced with sarcasm, it made me cringe. I’ve never met her husband and I’m sure he isn’t the man she described him to be, but that’s what comes to mind whenever she mentions his name.

How often do I do the same? How often do I complain about something minor that colors someone’s view of my spouse? How often have I spoken when I should have been silent? How would I feel to have those words come back to Toben?

Earlier in his letter, James described how words can come back to haunt us:

A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything – or destroy it!

It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly place word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell (James 3:3-6).

The smallest words can do huge damage. Words about our spouse can throw mud on the reputation that doesn’t easily wash off.

…IN SUMMARY

When it comes right down to it, good communication is all about choice. I can choose to keep silent, choose to say something positive, or choose to say something hurtful. Making good communication choices isn’t easy and doesn’t come naturally, but it is possible.

Remember that communication is affected by a huge variety of things — from your surroundings or the time of day (Toben and I have had any number of conversations late at night that I don’t remember at all in the morning!) to past experiences and body language.

Spend time talking together about how you communicate and pray that God would use your words to build up one another and to express how much you love and care for each other.

The above article comes from the book, Happily Ever After, by Toben and Joanne Heim, published by Kregel Publications, a division of Kregel, Inc., P.O. Box 2607, Grand Rapids, MI 49501. This book is divided into 8 chapters — each one dealing with an area of marriage that can be a source of unmet expectations during the first year (particularly for those living in the U.S.A.). In each chapter of Happily Ever After, you’ll find a number of common elements: The “First Steps” of newlyweds, The “Voice of Wisdom” from couples who are older and wiser, and Questions for Couples to work through both individually and together. As the authors, Toben and Joanne Heim say about this book,

“Our hope is that by reading this book and answering some of the questions in it, you’ll learn about both yourself and your spouse and see the ways that God has created you to be partners in marriage. The best place to start learning these things is at the beginning — where you come from.”

When this Ozark country boy married the refined city girl, our differences came out in dozens of ways. For instance, Barbara believed that grass and flowers were meant to be tamed and made to grow beautifully inside a freshly painted white picket fence. I had a philosophy I learned from my dad, who discipled me in the fine art of avoiding yard work. He would let the yard die a slow death in July, so he didn’t have to mow it the rest of the summer. In turn, I believed that if God had intended for leaves to be collected, He would have had them fall in plastic bags to begin with.

Barbara and I have worked through many of our differences. Some were funny, but others weren’t. And it’s no coincidence that our present home sits back on a heavily forested hillside that overlooks a beautiful lake. We enjoy the sunsets, but you won’t find much of a lawn. I’m trying to change, though. One summer, the children and I surprised Barbara by hauling tons of rocks to outline a trail and some flower beds.

All of us know that men and women are separated by more than basic, biological nuances. But just how different are we? After considerable research, an author named Cris Evatt developed a general summary of male and female personality traits. Of course, these are generalizations that may only apply in degrees to any particular person, and some items on the list probably relate more to social conditioning than real personality differences. But you will enjoy reviewing and discussing the list with your spouse.

Whew! A list like that makes it clear why combining two people with different qualities and approaches to life into a marriage is a challenging task. And to complicate things more, sometimes a quality that attracted you to your mate—”He’s so funny!”—can frustrate you after marriage: “Why can’t he be serious once in a while?” That’s why you should often remind each other, “You are God’s perfect gift for me.”

As you move past the honeymoon, all those differences, those little”eye-openers,” begin to affect your marriage.Ironically, differences are those wonderful qualities that attracted you to each other when dating. He was outgoing, she was shy; he was a big spender, which made her feel special because she was a tightwad; he was a hard worker, she was impulsive and fun-loving. Opposites attract. It works like magnetism.

But when the honeymoon fades and reality sets in, those attractive uniquenesses often become aggravating differences or weaknesses. The very things that initially attracted you to your mate now repel or frustrate you.

As a result, you’re faced with several decisions. First and foremost, you must ask yourself, “Will I continue to accept my mate in this particular area of difference, or will I withdraw a portion of my acceptance, thereby driving a sliver of rejection between us?” You cannot ignore the question, because the differences won’t go away. If you can’t accept that quality, you’re rejecting (silently or verbally) your mate, and his self-image will suffer. Your only 2 options are to accept him or reject him.

If you choose acceptance, then another question arises: “How do I live with this difference?” The answer is multiple choice, with more than one, or possibly all, of the choices being correct in any given situation.

1. Pray for yourself. Begin by praying for yourself. Ask God to make you content with your mate as he is. Pray, too, that God will show you the positive side of your mate’s apparently negative quality.

In our relationship, Dennis and I (Barbara) are extreme opposites on the impulsive/disciplined scale. When we were first married his impulsiveness tended to drive my disciplined nature crazy. I felt that we had no order, no schedule, no budget, and no regular devotions.

I remember praying diligently for God to change all these things I didn’t like. Then I realized what really needed to be changed was my attitude. God did change my perspective and in time I began to see how much I needed Dennis’ impulsiveness to balance my discipline.

Ask God to examine your attitudes and your motives, and to give you a greater capacity to understand and accept your mate’s differences. This step my be necessary before God can use you to elevate your mate’s self-image.

2. Talk about it with your mate. Ask for the privilege of being heard. Tell him you’re not rejecting him in this area of difference and that you remain committed. Assure him that he’s loved no matter what. One thing we’ve learned in our marriage is that at some moments we’re teachable and at others learning is unlikely. Unless it is obvious, we determine whether the time is opportune by asking.

If you find it’s not the time to talk, leave the subject alone. Don’t try to force an issue with which your mate isn’t emotionally ready to deal.

You also may discover that the territory you’re about to encroach upon is marked “NO TRESPASSING.” It may be off limits at this point in his life. If so, be satisfied with exploring small bits of land at a time. Don’t hope to cover the whole country in one evening. Go slowly.

If your mate is willing to talk about the difference that’s bothering you, share your feelings without accusing him and pointing the finger of blame. Don’t be critical. Let him know you’re not perfect and that you understand him, or want to understand him, in this area. Realize, too, that we all have weaknesses or tendencies that we’ll never completely conquer. Because of our fallen nature, perfection will never be ours until we reach heaven.

If your mate considers the difference a weakness, ask if you can help. Then, at the end of your discussion, remind your mate again of your commitment and acceptance. We call this the bookend principle. Just as bookends are used to prop up books that contain truth, so your reminders of complete acceptance at both ends of the discussion will support the truth of what you have said. And it makes the truth easier to hear.

3. Tutor you mate with his permission. As a couple, we continue to assist one another with many areas, such as punctuality, patience with children, planning, feelings of discouragement and depression, one partner’s tendency to be impulsive and the other’s tendency to be too controlled. We’ve found that many opposites that attracted us when we dated, which became repellents after we married, are the very things that have balanced us. Our differences have made us more effective as a couple than we ever could have been alone.

One area which I (Barbara) have assisted Dennis is his public speaking. Early in our marriage, I noticed he was making some obvious grammatical errors as he spoke. I felt free to offer help because, on more than one occasion, I had told him honestly that he communicated well.

So, one evening after he had spoken, I asked Dennis if I could make a suggestion that might make him more effective as a speaker. He said, “Yes.” Although my critique was a little threatening, he confessed he didn’t do well in English in school, and he said he welcomed my suggestions.

Several years later, on the way home from another speaking opportunity, Dennis told me, “I still want you to help me with my speaking, but I’d like you to wait a little while before you tell me the cold, hard truth.”

I realized my technique of helping him needed refining. I had become truthful too quickly. My “Help” became a discouragement because it wasn’t seasoned with enough praise or separated far enough from the actual event. Had I not modified my recommendations, I would have crossed the fine line separating acceptance from rejection.

If your mate has granted you permission to help, ask God for wisdom in how to help. Offer your assistance in such a way that your mate experiences your acceptance and in no way senses rejection.

4. Ignore them. Some of the differences that annoy you may not be weaknesses in your mate. Commit those differences to the Lord in prayer, asking Him to give you peace and contentment to live with them, even if your mate never changes. It’s important to accept him “as is,” without pressure to change. Choose to ignore the differences that are off limits and seemingly beyond change, and rejoice over the many benefits you enjoy because of your partner’s strengths and your relationship together.

The second portion of this article came from the book: Building Your Mate’s Self-Esteem by Dennis and Barbara Rainey, published by Here’s Life Publishers. This is a book on motivating people to believe in people. Both you and your mate need to be believed in. Your mate needs at least one person in his life who will come alongside him and build him up. You are that person. And he is that person for you. As Dennis Rainey says, “Self-esteem is either the crippler or the completer of the marriage

“They say that marriage doesn’t really start until you return from your honeymoon, and they’re right. For this is the first time you’re actually together as man and wife without the glitter, without the hype, without the distractions of ceremony or vacation, and with all the decisions of starting out still to be made.

“For most newly married couples, it also means setting up a new home, which is supposed to be fun, which is supposed to be exhilarating, and which often turns out to be exasperating. You didn’t just gain a husband or wife —you gained his or her old sofa bed and chairs, the old posters (from college!), the old T-shirts, and boxes of things you may well be fighting about 3 weeks or months after the day after your wedding day. The point is, you most likely won’t be haggling about things; you’ll be fighting about what those things mean or meant, to you or your spouse.” (Curtis Pesmen, Your First Year of Marriage) 

Many marriage “experts” are discovering that some newly married individuals and couples go through a period of time where they are depressed after the wedding is over. It can involve a combination where they are decompressing after the wedding —from going through such an emotionally intense planning stage, to the actual event, and then they enter into a time when their expectations are challenged with the reality of being married.

To read more about this, please click onto the following web site links to read:

•  HOW TO AVOID THE POST HONEYMOON SLUMP

•  NEWLYWEDS OFTEN FORGET TO PLAN FOR THE MARRIAGE

Additionally, below you will find links to articles where you can learn some things to help you adjust to each other in your new life together. Keep in mind that:

“Marriage is more than sharing a life together; it’s building a life together. What you do now is for both, and what is said now is for both. What your purpose is now is for the kingdom and giving glory to the image of God.” (Norm Wright, from the book, One Marriage Under God)

So how do you build a life together that will be pleasing to each other and to God?

“How does a newlywed couple live out the promise made before God and a community of family and friends? Decision, priority, balance, and forgiveness are the keys. Decision is the operative word. Fidelity requires decision, decision to follow through on a pledge. Decide to act honorably. Decide to put your marriage as number one each day.” (Mary Stubler) 

To help you with this mission, please click below to read:

• A LESSON LEARNED FROM NEWLYWEDS

•  THROUGH THE YEARS

•  BUILT TO LAST

The above article was put together by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions

1. Commit “till death do us part” —you have made a vow to God and to another much-loved human being. [Editor's note from Marriage Missions: Make the vow with each other not to let the word "divorce" be a part of your vocabulary or even your inner thoughts or it will start eroding away at your marital relationship.]

• Dream together—look forward to things.

• Be loyal to your mate at all costs.

• Care more about what your mate thinks of you than what your friends do.

2. Develop a common spiritual commitment.

• Pray for your mate regularly.

• Pray together regularly.

• Worship together.

3. Want what is best for your life-mate.

• Focus on what’s right with your mate, not what’s wrong with him/her.

• Work as a team—rely on each other’s strength.

• Serve your mate.

4. Spend time with model couples who have been happily married ten to twenty years longer than you.

• Develop a relationship with a personal mentor to help you when times are tough, giving you wise counsel.

• Spend time with peer couples that have healthy, happy marriages.

5. Understand that no marriage is perfect and no partner is perfect. Give grace to be different.

• No one wants to fail. Your mate is doing the best he/she can at the moment.

• Don’t take all emotional explosions personally. Sometimes your mate just needs to let off steam!

• Let the relationship breathe. A couple needs time together and away. When things get tense, you may just need a few hours or days away.

6. Find time to communicate—walking on the beach, telephoning, traveling together.

• Communicating your heart:

—Listen to your mate’s heart, not just to words.

—Let your mate vent emotions without feeling you have to “fix it!”

• Settling differences:

—Don’t pout; stay and talk it out.

—”Clarify” your concerns if you don’t like to “confront.”

—Listen carefully. Allow the other to complete his/her thoughts without you interrupting, moving off the subject, or waiting impatiently to make your point.

7. Develop common interests.

• Enjoy hobbies and friends.

• Do fun things together—concerts, plays, picnics.

• Travel together whenever you get a chance.

8. Get to know your mate at the deepest level possible.

• Study your mate—what turns her/him off and on sexually, nonverbal signals, foreplay, moods, cycles, etc.

• Know precisely what your mate needs from you.

9. Avoid:

• Negative kidding—saying negative things you don’t really mean that secretly hurt and do serious damage to one’s confidence and one’s natural love;

• Conditional love—basing love on actions of any kind;

• Waiting for your mate to meet your needs before you will meet hers/his;

• Talking negatively about your mate’s parents.

10. Be romantic, not just sexy.

• Splurge occasionally.

• Do small things which communicate “Thinking only of you… Thought of you while I was away… You are the center of my universe!”

• Start foreplay 10 minutes after climax, not ten minutes before climax.

• Talk with a loving, caring, tender tone in your voice, not an angry, harsh, bitter tone.

Please click into the following web site links to read a Family Dynamics Institute article and also a LifeWay Magazine article for further newlywed tips:

•  MARRIAGE: IT’S NOT DATING ANYMORE

One of the most important, yet least talked about issues of marriage is the vision you share for your relationship. Take a moment to discuss what you hope to achieve (i.e., your goals) as a couple. What would you like to accomplish at three months, at seven months, and at one year? Consider communication and conflict, spirituality, intimacy, financial management, outside relationships, traditions for holidays, and so on. Be as specific as possible.

• Our goals at three months are:

• Our goals at seven months are:

• Our goals at one year are:

• What are some of the roadblocks that could prevent you from meeting these goals?