East Coast Calling

For Mary Clark, the upheaval of relocation is all too fresh. Just last spring, she and her husband, Jay, then pastor of a large United Methodist church in the Washington, D.C., area, and were called to Onancock, a small town on the Virginia shore. Their move in June was their fourth in 19 years.

It was also the fourth time for Mary to redirect her nursing career. Admittedly, the change came at their request. The new congregation was much smaller than the church Jay was serving, and the lifestyle of the friendly, coastal peninsula appealed to the couple.

“It was a quality-of-life move,” Mary says, one that offered a more wholesome and relaxed environment in which to raise their three children, ages 15 to 9.

But even though they sought this change, the stress on the Clarks was intense, especially as Jay’s paycheck shrank by 30 percent. Mary’s income also declined — a reality she has encountered more than once.

Peppered with different job experiences, Mary’s resume reflects part-time and full-time teaching positions and even a stint as a public-health nurse. “I have always wanted — always needed — to work,” she says. “The hardest thing about moving is not being able to find a job at the same salary. We continually have financial problems.”

To overcome her repeated loss of income, Mary takes advantage of educational opportunities in her new locations. She is currently completing a family nurse practitioner program at Marymount University in Arlington, Va. Her third degree, it will provide job flexibility in both rural and metropolitan areas. “It will greatly increase my marketability,” she explains.

Although pastors and their working wives face many of the same challenges as other two-career couples, Mary thinks those in the ministry have an advantage.

“In some ways it’s easier for us because we walk into a faith community,” she says. “We’re pulled into a group of people that’s already committed to us.”

Midwest Ministry

Faith is the glue that has held Ruth and Stephen Boardman of West Chester, Ohio, together during their ministry-related moves within the Wesleyan denomination. Ruth, who lived in the same house for 18 years before going to college, has always clung to Jeremiah 29:11: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” That promise has given her the strength to move four times in 24 years of marriage.

Like Mary, Ruth is a registered nurse. Yet unlike Mary, Ruth has been able to enjoy a flexible work schedule through the years, one that allowed her to stay home with her children when they were infants. Though these times were intertwined with part-time nursing, Ruth’s income today is more important than ever, now that 20-year-old Phillip is in college and 15-year-old Stephanie is a few years away from high school graduation. Their most recent move, however, had a big impact on Ruth’s career.

They were living in Bryant, Ind., where Stephen served a medium-sized church for 14 years. Ruth managed an Alzheimer’s unit at a nearby Christian nursing home, a job she loved.

“It was ministry,” she says. “The church was involved, and many times my kids would play games with the residents. It was like a big family.”

Then in 1996 the Boardmans were called to West Chester, just north of Cincinnati. Ruth was excited, but grieved leaving her job. Their savings freed her from having to work right away, and she was able to help her daughter adjust to a larger school. “I wanted to be there for her,” she says. It helped lessen Ruth’s loss.

As the fall progressed, however, Ruth began a series of jobs that left her unfulfilled. Job-hopping was not her style. But that’s exactly what she did.

“I’d take a job and find that there were things I just couldn’t work with. I was frustrated, but I wouldn’t lower my standards,” she says.

Three jobs later, Ruth now works part time at what she calls “a very nice Christian facility.” She also occasionally fills in as a school nurse and runs a home-based business. It is a balance she finds rewarding.

But how does she feel about making career compromises because she is a minister’s wife?

“Some pastors’ wives feel called into the ministry with their husbands,” Ruth says, “I can’t say that.

“When I married my husband, I promised to stand with him and help him. God placed us together. I love him, and I do all I can to support him in the ministry.”
Southern Service

For Diane Torriani Greer and her husband, Thomas, life has not been filled with ministry moves. In fact, they only recently entered the pastorate.

In 1990, less than a year after they married and blended their families, Thomas, then a chief financial officer for a large manufacturing company, was called to Saddleback Valley Community Church in Mission Viejo, Calif., as the pastor of administration. Diane continued her lucrative position in the acquisitions department of an international oil company.

“Working hard, building my career and helping our teens adapt to our new life as a family made the ‘pastor’s wife transition’ far less important,” Diane explains. Yet that transition didn’t totally go unnoticed.

“I was the only pastor’s wife at Saddleback working outside the home. I remember receiving comments about my (business) clothes. Although the remarks were complimentary, I didn’t want to stand out. I wanted to fit in.”

Then two years ago, Diane received what she describes as “the offer of (her) career.” She was to begin as project manager at a telecommunications corporation Nov. 1, 1996. But Diane never sat behind that desk. Instead, her husband was called to the staff of Prestonwood Baptist Church in Dallas. “I let the job go,” Diane says.

Thomas started his new position the same day Diane would have started hers. After staying behind to sell the house and finalize details, she and her then 16-year-old son, Paul, flew to Texas. It was the day after Christmas. The two older children stayed behind; Jeana, then 18, followed later.

“The emotional letdown after the holidays — combined with relocation, ice storms and my lack of transportation — made the move an emotional bomb,” Diane remembers. “It was six weeks before I had a car and our neighborhood was still under construction, empty. I lived in my pajamas! Abandonment, loneliness, loss, anxiety, self-doubt, insecurity — I faced it all.”

That desperate time became a journey of faith and spiritual growth for Diane.
“Rather than focusing on putting down roots in Dallas, I decided to establish my home in Christ by minimizing myself, maximizing God and simplifying life,” she explains. “It worked beautifully. God replaced the emptiness with hope, freedom, newness of experience, a sense of adventure and security.”

By July 1997, after seeing her family through the initial transition of relocation, Diane went back to work. Contract paralegal work helped familiarize her with the Dallas marketplace. It also helped build confidence.

“I worked at corporations and law firms on various assignments and tasks, making friends along the way,” she says. After nine months, Diane accepted a full-time position for a real-estate development company.

Through Diane may not have been able to see it at first, there is light on the other side of relocation.

“God continues to confirm our move,” she says. Her husband is seeing the fruit of his labor; her daughter is succeeding in college and is actively involved in ministry to urban children; and her son recently graduated from high school.

What encouragement does Diane offer other women facing relocation?

“Assess your need to work immediately following a move. I found that it takes approximately six months to make an initial adjustment,” she says. “If you have children, factor in six months for them, too.”

Her experience even promoted her to start Women in Transition and Wisdom, or W.I.T. and Wisdom, a ministry at her church to help women face change in a godly manner.
“All our talents, skills and capabilities are God’s. It is our job to use them wisely.”

The above article originally titled Pastors on the Move, was written by Laura Winter and was featured in the December 1998/January 1999 issue of Pastor’s Family Magazine. As a freelance journalist, singles pastor, mother of three and wife to Mark, Laura Winter has written for the Fort Worth Star Telegram and the Arlington Citizen Journal.

But have you considered that your marriage is also a ministry?

“We are all familiar with the idea that we are Christ’s body on earth—His hands, His feet. It is through us that He reaches out to the world. But it’s easy to forget that we are Christ’s hands and feet to our [spouse]. That’s why seeing your marriage as ministry may require an intentional shift of perspective.” (From the book, “Because I Said Forever”)

Your marriage is not something that you can or should compartmentalize apart from your ministry to your church family. Your marriage is equally important, if not more-so, than your pastoral ministry outside of your home, because you are representing Christ to your bride (just as Christ is the bridegroom to the church, His bride). Your spouse, as well as others, are to be your ministry-focus.

When you married, you became covenant partners with your spouse and with God to help address each other’s aloneness. God Himself acknowledged from the beginning that “it is not good for man to be alone.” He said this even though He was walking and fellowshipping with man.

God knew that there are certain emotional and temporal needs that a human being — a marriage partner, is created to meet. And there are certain emotional and temporal needs that you are created to meet for your marriage partner. “And the two shall be one.”

That is part of your role in the covenant of marriage. It is a cord of three strands with God being involved right from the start.

Problems can arise however, when a pastor forgets or overlooks the importance of the partnership of marriage, which he entered into with his/her spouse.

The rite of ordination does not override the rite of marriage. Both are noble callings, and one is not the “higher calling.” Both were instituted by God for the sanctification of his people. By some curious act of his grace, this sanctification includes the clergy. (Gregory P. Elder)

You made the choice to go into the ministry. And with that choice came certain “duties and obligations.” You also made the choice to marry. And with that choice, certain “duties and obligations” came with it as well. Your options changed as far as how much time you can devote to the ministry apart from your spouse and keep your relationship healthy and strong — one that strongly reflects the love relationship between the Bridegroom (Christ) and His Bride — which is what every Christian marriage is supposed to represent.

When you were unmarried, you had the freedom to be “undivided” in the attention you could dedicate to the Lord’s work. But in 1 Corinthians 7, the Apostle Paul warns you is to realize that things change once you marry. And as he said,

“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs — how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world — how he can please his wife — and his interests are divided.

“An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world — how she can please her husband.

“I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”

When you marry, your ministry becomes divided between ministering within the home and outside of the home. BOTH become your concern and your focus at this point.

But keep in mind that this doesn’t mean that your ministry is lessened, it just means that it is redirected so that not only do you minister outside of your home, but also within it as well. You represent Christ to your bride, so don’t forget the calling of your ministry with your wife and family.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. And after all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body.

“‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery — but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself…” (Ephesians 5:25-33).

Not only is it important to love your wife “as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her”, because you have entered into covenant with her and with God, but also so that you don’t bruise her emotionally. Your spouse should not be any less important than others that you minister to outside of the home. When you hurt her, or neglect her, how will you be able to “present her” to God “as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish?”

Also, your marriage is a living example of Christ’s love for the church, both within your home and outside of it. As others observe how you treat your wife, the love of the Lord should be evident. It gives the Lord the opportunity to draw others to Himself as they observe your behavior. It’s another evangelistic vehicle that the Lord can use as you avail yourself.

Something that Ravi Zacharias said, in his book, I, Isaac, Take Thee Rebekah is relevant to your calling in considering your marriage as a ministry and as an evangelistic “tool.” He wrote:

Some time ago, I was lecturing at a major university, and by the tremendous response both in the numbers of students attending the sessions and in their questions, it was evident to all that God was at work.

As the man who had organized the event drove me to the airport, he said something that was quite jolting to me. He said, “My wife brought our neighbor last night. She is a medical doctor and had not been to anything like this before. On their way home, my wife asked her what she thought of it all.” He stopped and there was silence in the van for a moment. He continued, “She said, ‘That was a very powerful evening. The arguments were very persuasive. I wonder what he is like in his private life.’”

I have to admit it was one of the most sobering things I had ever heard. She was right. Did these lofty truths apply in private as well as in public discourse?

The truth is that God calls us to first practice truth in private so that its public expression is merely an outgrowth of what has already taken place in the heart and not a decoration over a hollow life. Developing that strength of character in private is foundational.

Preview or purchase this book now.

Your marriage is another vehicle that God wants to use to draw others to Himself. As Dr Charles Swindoll says,

Marriage is the foundation of family life, and marriage is one of God’s greatest tools for ministry. Let me say that again … marriage is one of God’s greatest tools for ministry. Our goal isn’t to build stronger marriages. It’s to build stronger marriages for a purpose — ministry. (From the article, “The Ministry of Marriage” featured on the web site Crosswalk.com)

The purpose is so that when others see how we interact with each other in ways that display the love of God, it could very well attract them to our lives, our homes, and ultimately to want to know our God better. And isn’t that the point of the ministry that God has called you to, as a Pastor?

We pray you will prayerfully consider these points, examine your marriage and ask the Lord to show you anything that you may or may not be doing that needs to be corrected in the present and future. You may want to pray what the psalmist prayed in Psalm 139:

Search me O God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

To read another article on this subject, please click onto the web site link below:

• MINISTRY AND MARRIAGE IN THE SCRIPTURES

The above article was written by Steve and Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

This type of thinking translates into the resolve that “I will respond to anyone who calls at any time other than my spouse. Even if I have promised my wife (husband) that I will stay home, if someone else calls for my attention, my wife (husband) will just have to understand that God’s work comes first.”

Perhaps the bluntness of the above statement makes it seem like something that you would never say. However, this type of thinking can creep in subtly.

The reason for this error is a misunderstanding of how marriage and ministry fit together. Many couples believe and live as if marriage and ministry do not fit together. They view these two areas as being in irresolvable conflict and feel that one must be subordinate. Frequently, this translates into a severe neglect of the family, because “serving the Lord” is more important. Those having this attitude define service to God as “those spiritual things that take place outside the home.”

Other couples believe that marriage and ministry ought to fit together, so they run back and forth between the two. The fit is never comfortable or easy, but they enjoy some success from their juggling efforts.

The first approach, a neglect of the home, is clear disobedience to God’s standards for those who oversee his church. Paul tells us that “[an overseer] must manage his own family well” (1 Timothy 3:4). Obviously, a pastor cannot manage his home if he is never present. The second approach will work when both areas make major demands at the same time. Those who try to take on both equally are prime candidates for burnout.

There is a better way. I have seen it work for people who made a commitment to it from the beginning, as well as for those who first chose one of the above approaches and then struggled hard to change horses in midstream. This third option regarding marriage and ministry is that we view our Bible studies, our singing in the choir, our teaching, or our counseling as a part of our ministry, so we must see our marriage as a viable part of our service to God.

One of the most important assets in an effective ministry is a healthy and strong marriage. Many people in ministry are failing God because of problems in their homes that have been generated by their neglect.

One of the traps that many ministry couples have fallen into is that of separating spiritual things from earthly or mundane things. God makes no such distinction in our lives. We are to honor him and give glory to him in everything we do. Surely God would not have us neglect our families for the sake of his church. Rather we need to nurture our relationships at home so they, by example, can strengthen the body.

An example of this is found in a young pastor who believed that the things he deemed “spiritual” must be treated as being more important than those he felt were of this world. Early in his ministry he worked six long days in the church.

On his “day off” he left his wife and three small children at home and spent twelve hours in the streets passing out Bibles. This pattern was repeated for ten years, and his marriage and family suffered greatly. He said to me, “How I wish I understood that loving my wife and nurturing my children were also ministries!”

How we must grieve God when we neglect the very relationship that is to illustrate Christ’s relationship to his bride. What a greater affront is that we do it “in his name.”

Several years ago I was counseling a ministry couple whose marriage was on the verge of breaking up. This pastor’s neglect of his family was staggering. When I suggested to him that his pattern of behavior was not of God, he replied: “You do not understand. Whatever crosses my path is from God and requires my complete attention. I cannot say no. He will care for my family.”

This minister had defined ministry as absence from home. How sad it is that he never saw that his family had also crossed his path and that his ministry to them was as important as any speaking engagement!

Everything we do is to glorify God, and all that we strive for is to be in service to him. This is as true of listening to and encouraging our spouse as it is of being at the bedside of a dying parishioner. God makes no distinctions: “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus” (Colossians 3:17).

The idea that every area of our lives is to be considered service to God is powerfully emphasized by Peter’s exhortation to elders. He says that overseers are to shepherd others while also serving as examples to their flocks. Paul reiterates this idea many times when he says, “Copy me” “Be imitators of me.” We are to be godly examples to those we serve. This certainly includes all areas of home and family life as well as all aspects of our church ministry.

A perfect ministry and a perfect marriage are not necessary in order to glorify God. However, obedient hearts that strive to please God in every area of life are necessary if our example is to bring honor to the name of Christ.

This article comes from the book, “Counsel for Pastors’ Wives” -by Diane Langberg, published by Zondervan. In this book Dr Langberg offers sympathetic and realistic answers to 14 questions submitted to her from pastors’ wives —ones that are often asked. All of the answers require acts of faith, renewed patience, and wisdom that must come from God. With these divine resources come healing and possible solutions.

Teresa and I wholeheartedly believe that God is the ultimate source for meeting all our needs. We understand both biblically and experientially our deep need for God. Nothing else —not possessions, not position, not success, not another person —can fill the God-shaped vacuum within each of us. God alone brings peace and order to the human heart. Yet God revealed a wondrous mystery in the Garden. In his unsearchable wisdom, he has chosen to partner with us to remove the “not good” of aloneness in our spouses. He is still the source for taking away the “not good” of being alone in our marriages, but he desires to enlist us as his colleagues in the process.

What about people who are not married? Is God’s design for removing aloneness thwarted in those who are single? Absolutely not. God’s wonderful plan for removing human aloneness is fulfilled in three divinely appointed appointed relationships. For those who are married, the marriage relationship is God’s primary means for removing aloneness. But some people do not marry, and some marriages do not continue. In such cases, loving family —parents, children, grandparents, siblings —is a divinely provided relationship.

…And for those who for some reason are without close family, God’s “safety net” for removing human aloneness is his body, the church. Jesus declared, “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35). God has graciously provided marriage, family, and the body of Christ so that no one should suffer the “not good” of being alone.

At age twenty-one, I was fully aware of my personal need for God and that is when I trusted him as my Savior and when his Spirit began rapid changes in my heart and life. As I began to grow as a Christian, I generally accepted the idea that I needed other people somehow. But I firmly believed that my only real need was for God. And I assumed that if others —including Teresa —would just become more spiritual, they would not need me! This view skewed my understanding of God’s design for involving me in removing Teresa’s aloneness. And I certainly didn’t understand God’s desire to remove my aloneness through Teresa. Since God had not found in me a colleague to care for Teresa, the oneness she and I sought was elusive, and the blessing God desired and deserved from our relationship was limited.

As growing Christians eager to do God’s work, Teresa and I poured ourselves into spiritual pursuits. I memorized large portions of Scripture. I became deeply involved in ministry to students, and I led discipleship groups. Teresa became deeply involved in her own ministry, which reached thousands of women each year. Eventually Teresa and I conducted marriage seminars together. In our efforts to please God and serve others, our primary focus and priority was on ministry. I left Teresa alone. By placing our children and our ministry before our marriage, Teresa left me alone. Although our church viewed us as the ideal ministry couple, we continued to silently endure our relationship. We were very active and very busy, but very alone.

In those years I was so focused on my spiritual life and ministry that I had little time or attention for my family. Teresa was left with the responsibility of caring for our two daughters, Terri and Robin, and our young son, Eric. Occasionally she would lament to me her desire for a more loving husband and a more devoted father for our children. But my attitude said, “Teresa, you don’t need more of me to have a fulfilling life; you need more of God.”

It is true that a relationship with God is to be primary in each of our lives. We are to trust Christ as Savior, yield to his Spirit, and obey his words: “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment” (Matthew 22:37-38, NLT). Had Jesus stopped there, we might conclude that all we need is a relationship with God. But Jesus went on: “A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:39-40, NLT). In Jesus’ eyes, relationship with our neighbors —literally our “near ones” —is as important as relationship with God.

As we set our hearts on loving God completely, he desires to enlist us as his colleagues to remove the aloneness of our near ones, beginning with our spouses. Teresa and I often call this the Great Commandment marriage —loving God with all your heart and loving your spouse —your nearest near one —as yourself (also see Ephesians 5:28). Removing aloneness is fundamental purpose of marriage. Are you God’s colleague actively involved in the process of removing your spouse’s aloneness? Is your spouse less alone today than he or she has ever been? This is an important biblical measure of a successful marriage relationship.

It is clear throughout Scripture that God, for reasons known only to him, has opted to fill our longings for oneness through love relationships with both himself and other human beings. He is totally sufficient in his provision, but in his sovereignty he has chosen to share some of his love through the three relationships he has ordained: marriage, family, and the church. If we are not fulfilling the Great Commandment in our marriages, our families, or in our churches, the result is not good.

…My skewed perspective of God, human needs, and relationships convinced me that I needed only God in my life to have a successful marriage and fruitful ministry. My misunderstanding of God’s design to remove my aloneness through him and Teresa fostered an unhealthy and unbiblical self-reliance that robbed our marriage of intimacy.

Furthermore, my attitude heaped condemnation on Teresa, communicating to her, “Ministry is my top priority, and it should be yours too. When are you going to grow up so you don’t need so much of my personal time time and attention?” One day, in my frustration to pressure Teresa to become as intense as I was about my ministry, I confronted her in the kitchen with an ultimatum: “Teresa, if you don’t come along with me in serving God, I’m going on without you.” Then I walked away.

Teresa explains her reaction to my statement;

“David’s pointed words pierced me like a lance. He left me standing in the middle of the kitchen wondering exactly wheat he meant. Was he talking about leaving me physically through separation or divorce? Was he talking about giving up on me spiritually and emotionally? He could not have known the terrible pain those words caused me. And it only got worse.

“As David continued to lose himself in ministry, he did leave me every way except physically, I was alone and floundering while my husband filled his life with his top priority: the ministry. As a result, I became increasingly aloof and independent I tried to play the ‘ministry wife’ role, but the more he pulled away into his work, the more I buried myself in activities at home with our children.”

Teresa suffered tremendous self-doubt induced by the painful messages of my self-reliance. She often thought, “Maybe if I were more spiritual or sensed a deeper call to ministry, I wouldn’t need David’s love, acceptance, comfort, and encouragement so much. If I just had more of God, I wouldn’t miss him so much when he is away doing ministry.”

I expected Teresa to deal with her needs in a self-reliant manner just as I did, and I chided her for not being spiritually independent. The more involved I became in the ministry, the more uncomfortable she became living in the fishbowl of congregational scrutiny. Teresa explains:

“As a fairly new Christian, I was still deciding what I believed and battling false guilt and self-condemnation over how insecure I felt in the ministry. Someone once made the thoughtless remark, ‘I would never have believed you were David’s wife since you’re not as spiritual as he is.’ But by this time I had developed a bubble of self-protection against the pain in my marriage and other relationships. I became extremely self-reliant in my own world in order to shut out the pain I experienced in my relationship with David and other Christians. I had mastered the skill of not feeling, not hurting.”

We had falsely equated self-reliance with spiritual maturity and emotional strength. As a result, our love for each other grew increasingly cold. To be sure, we needed to change our twisted view of God’s design for marriage. But more than a renewed mind, we needed a humble heart.

The solution to self-reliance is humility. It is humbling for us to admit that we have needs we cannot meet on our own. And it is equally humbling to acknowledge that we are helpless to remove our aloneness apart from depending on God to minister to us and to involve other people in our lives as he desires. Hunkering down in a foxhole of self-reliance and just waiting to become more mature will not remove our aloneness. Maturity and strength in our relationships come only as we humbly depend on God to minister his grace to us, often through our spouse.

The above article comes from the book, “Never Alone” by David and Teresa Ferguson, published by Tyndale House Publishers. Unfortunately this book is no longer being published so the only way you can obtain it is through used book resource centers. We hope you are able to do so because this is an excellent book!

Churches are losing thousands of pastors per year, home for the pastors and their families are being uprooted, and congregations are losing more than they realize, because conflicts are not being properly resolved.

One principle we have seen at Marriage Missions is that if the enemy of our faith can get us to fight with each other, we aren’t as effective in fighting against the spiritual darkness surrounding our world! We need to be on the alert and do all we can to be peace-makers in our homes and in our churches and then out in the community and the world.

“If you are a pastor, you can start today to learn practical principles and skills that will enable you to lead your church through the worst of conflicts in an effective and biblically faithful manner.”

That’s the claim of Ken Sande, who is the president of Peace Maker Ministries.

We can’t guarantee you that this is EXACTLY what you need for your ministry and your home, but it’s sure worth a prayerful look.

To read an article that deals with peacemaking principles that you could find helpful, please click onto the link provided below:

• STRIKE THE SHEPHERD: Losing Pastors in the Church

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

Even the most innocent of beginnings, with the best of intentions can end up where you find yourself “flirting with danger.”

You need to guard your heart … guard your marriage … and guard your mind!

To help you in this mission, there is an article posted on the wonderful web site for Focus on the Family that can help you as you read not only the article we provide the link for below, but also other articles this one leads you to read. We hope you will read all you can to strengthen your marriage, and do all you can to guard your heart, and the ministry the Lord has given you and your spouse.

To read this article, click onto the following link:

• DANCING ON THE EDGE

-ALSO-

An article that talks about another area of flirting with danger can be read on the Leadership Journal Web site. Please click onto the following link to read:

• RESTORING FALLEN PASTORS

If you have any comments you’d like to make or you can give additional marriage tips, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Lois Evans “readily admits that her initial years as first lady of the church she founded with her husband, Tony Evans, were two of the most difficult seasons she’s live through. To Lois Evans, the senior Pastor’s wife was a very isolated, much unappreciated role; a stifling position that a loving supportive wife accepted as her lot, even as she mourned the slow death of her own gifts and talents. ”

It was something she never wanted for her life and she told the Lord just that! “At the age of 15 she told the Lord her heart was open to do whatever her to do—except be a pastor’s wife.”

And yet, that’s exactly what happened! She eventually became a senior pastor’s wife, even though her husband Tony, had told her at the beginning or their lives together that he wasn’t interested in being a pastor.

But through a turn of events, the Lord eventually helped her to do what she needed to do through those first years and then brought her to a time in life where she was able to bloom where she was planted.

To read this inspirational true story and to visit her web site, please click onto the web site link below:

• GROOMED TO BE A FIRST LADY

In addition, we found an article written by Dr Gary Chapman that can be helpful for those of you who are married to a minister. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• Gary Chapman Shares WAYS MINISTERS’ WIVES CAN ‘LOVE A LEADER’

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

Also, because of the dynamics of the pastor’s job —in ministering and showing compassion to those who are in emotional pain, pastors can be idealized because of the care they are showing to the one who is hurting. They are then vulnerable to having others attracted to them. Because of the chemistry the situation can bring, a mutual attraction can develop even though neither “thought it would or could happen.”

We hear of this scenario happening continually all throughout the world. Not only is this heart-breaking for the families involved, but it must terribly tear against the heart of God!

For this reason, Pastors and their spouses have to be all the more diligent in putting up hedges to protect their marriages and their family life.

There are many books and magazine articles on this subject (many of which we have posted on our web site) that can help you. Also, the ministry of Focus on the Family, Canada, has a great article written by Dr Simon Sheh, which is posted on their web site in their Clergy Care section that can give you some good insights.

To read this article, please click onto the link provided below:

• How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and Protect Ministry Relationships

Another article you might find helpful can be found on the Leadership Journal web site. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• STRATEGIES TO KEEP FROM FALLING

Using a soft approach is the better part of wisdom. Areas that might cause dissension can be amicably discussed, and this is best done with a sense of humor. We ask the Lord for a measure of common sense and a sense of humor, and if we lack wisdom we ask God and He provides it.

When we were a young family in a new place of ministry, my husband, being a very goal-oriented person, was gone day and night getting acquainted with people, the church, and the town. It seemed he would wear himself down, and it was lonely for the children and me.

I wanted to tell him that if he did himself in, the church could get another pastor, but his family would be in big trouble! Instead, I put a sign on the refrigerator that said, “Your wife needs a pastoral call.” The Lord, no doubt, inspired that action—He used it to change Charles’s approach to pastoral minitry, and it encouraged him to always block out time for us.

It seemed reasonable that if we chose to spend the rest of our lives together, we should become best friends and enjoy all the perks that exist in such a relationship. Over the years, we discovered that best friends love and support each other and build each other up. The best resource we have is prayer—if change is needed, God can change situations and He can change us. We have experienced God’s “awesome deeds” of healing and even sparing of life in answers to prayer. He is a miracle-working God!

I marvel at the way God has directed our lives. I love how He once planted the thought in each of us, separately, that He would be leading us from one pastorate to a new place. The whole process was so orchestrated by the Lord that we both had complete peace and confirmation in the decision.

In our early years, the Lord impressed upon me that in the pulpit, this man was my pastor and it was always so. Besides being my pastor, he has been my inspiration to read, study, and love the Word of God.

It was important to our family for home to be a sanctuary. We did plenty of entertaining and the children’s friends came and went, but there was this place, home, where the family was free to be comfortable. I love the Psalm that says, “I will walk in my house with blameless heart.” That is my continuing desire. My great yardstick for all relationships is given by One who knows: “Do to others what you would have them do to you.”

And, by His grace, that is my plan. My journey with Charles has brought me more joy than I can possibly say.

A special note written by Nancy Cobb:

“When the topic ‘The best thing I ever did for my marriage’ came up, Rut’s first inclination was to say, ‘I stayed.’ But instead she shares lessons the Lord has given her along the way.

My first encounter with a godly woman was with Ruth. She is gentle, loving, and very funny. I can say with all my heart that the best thing Charles ever did for his marriage was to marry such a Christlike woman, and the same is true for Ruth. It was their example that prodded me to know Jesus personally.”

QUESTION: Does your example prod others to want to know more of Jesus?

The above article was part of a chapter titled, “Your Wife Needs a Pastoral Call!” written by Ruth Denhart. It comes from the inspiring book, “The Best Thing I Ever Did for My Marriage” compiled by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah Publishers. This book contains 50 eye-opening, often humorous true stories contributed by different women. The book is founded on the principles: “Sometimes the smallest thing can turn a marriage around. God’s best for your marriage may be one small decision away!”

— ALSO —

Please click on the link below to read a related article titled:

• HELLO … ANYBODY HOME?

STEPS: Your work with men who batter did not begin as the result of some kind of academic interest.

PAUL: Definitely not. Let me give you a brief history. My father was a Nazarene pastor. So, I was raised in a Christian family. To most people I looked like a fine Christian. But I battered my wife for years starting from before we were married. I was physically abusive and very emotionally abusive. I hated being like that. But I could not stop. I even became a pastor in the hopes that it would help me stop the abusive behavior.

STEPS: It must have been really difficult to face the fact that becoming more religious wasn’t going to fix what needed to be fixed.

PAUL: It was. I honestly felt that I would be unable to abuse my wife if I were a pastor. I thought there would be accountability to the church leadership and so on. But there were many Sundays when I would scream and yell and slap the kids around and push, shove or hit Judy and maybe an hour later I would be in the pulpit.

I can remember preaching many a Sunday morning when I’d have flash-backs and my message would not flow and I’d wonder “what am I doing in front of this congregation when less than an hour ago I was abusing my family in the parsonage?” I was knocking holes in the walls of the parsonage. Judy would lock herself in the bathroom and I’d put my shoulder to the door and break it down.

When I left the ministry after three and a half years the parsonage was in shambles. About this time I left my wife and family. I moved away from everything I knew. We divorced. I really thought that I was lost. And since I was already lost for eternity I might as well “party hearty” while I had time.

So, I got into drugs and alcohol, sexual addiction, and live-in relationships. But the battering continued. I almost killed the woman I was living with. That is actually what forced me to finally get help. To avoid being prosecuted for attempted murder I agreed to enter a program for men who batter.

STEPS: I know there are many more resources available today for batterers than were available when you first got help. What was most helpful to you back then?

PAUL: The main benefit of the program for me was that I was forced to recognize that the problem was about me. I had a problem. It wasn’t about my wife, my girlfriend, my parents, the kids, the dog, whatever. It was my problem. So, I started to learn something about me. That was helpful. But it wasn’t really getting to the depths I needed and I became extremely frustrated. I also became extremely angry with God during this time. A key turning point for me was one night when I was wrestling with God in prayer. I remember screaming at God in the middle of the night until I had no more tears and no more voice. It was then that I heard God say “Paul, you don’t have a teachable spirit.” I knew immediately that we had hit pay-dirt! I knew that I did not have a teachable spirit. All of my life I had been an authority to myself. No one could give me any kind of input. So, I started to pray “God teach me to be teachable.” That was the beginning of the change for me.

STEPS: What do you see as the roots of family violence?

PAUL: Put simply, violence is about arrested emotional development. If the wounds you experienced in childhood have stopped your emotional development, you have never developed your core or real personality and character. What happens is that you develop a pseudo personality that is not a true identity. This personality consists of the expectations of important people in your life of whom you fear rejection. The pseudo personality becomes very changeable, depending on who you are with and where you are. This is the “double minded man” referred to in the book of James.

The primary symptom of arrested emotional development because of a wounded childhood is the insistence that I am my own authority. There is an intense distaste for any kind of authority. If your wife says “How much money is in the checking account? I need to buy groceries.” this is immediately an authority issue. We fight the authority of the boss, the foreman, the authority of the pastor, of God. One of the difficulties with traditional therapeutic approaches to helping batterers is that the therapist can be an authority figure. Batterers will play the game of therapy to get through but the real hidden agenda may remain ‘no one is going to tell me what to do.’

If you have been wounded early in life and your development process has been frozen, you are locked into what I call the ‘age of directives.’ This leaves you very dependent and makes it very difficult for you to make decisions. You can make decisions for other people and control their lives, but decisions for your life are made by indecision, circumstances, situations and other people. You have no control of your life so you try to manipulate and control circumstances, situations and other people. This results in a life of chaos.

If you are stuck in the age of directives, the stage where parent’s fix everything, then you are always looking for a Mommy to make it right for you because you cannot resolve your own conflicts. You grow chronologically, marry and many times you make a Mommy out of your spouse. When you’re in crisis you try to get her to fix it or, in essence, if she’ll get help then everything will be okay. This becomes your way of escaping your own responsibilities and blame-shifting the responsibility to her. This never resolves the core problem because this is an individual issue, not a marriage issue.

The key to recovery is to restart the emotional development process that was damaged in childhood. I call that process ‘developmental reconstruction.’ We don’t need to be driven by childhood wounds for a lifetime. We can develop a real personality to replace the pseudo personality that has led to such chaos.

STEPS: You mentioned earlier that you hated being abusive. Why do you think you did things you hated?

PAUL: When you are wounded in early childhood you never reach the age of decision emotionally. Many times you know what you should do, but you are driven by your irrational belief systems and survival methods to maintain control. You end up doing what you hate because you are driven by your wounds and unresolved conflicts.

STEPS: Many people are skeptical about the possibility of recovery for abusive men.

PAUL: If I can do it, anyone can. I was deeply lost in the abusive process and deeply wounded by childhood trauma. It’s not an easy thing to recover from. It’s hard work. But it is possible. Even though I abused her for many years, after several years of hard work in recovery Judy and I remarried. We have had to work hard on our relationship but we have broken the cycle of abuse in our generation. I still have to work on my recovery, we still work hard in our relationship. And our kids have had a lot of issues to work on because of all the abusiveness in our family. But my grandchildren now live in homes that have been freed from the dynamics of abuse. That to me is exciting! Recovery is possible because God is a magnificent God. God has made a way of escape!

This article is posted on the website for The Clergy Recovery Network www.clergyrecovery.com which exists to support, encourage and provide resources to religious professionals through personal crisis and early recovery.

If you are a pastor, missionary, religious professional or a spouse of one and you need help, this site will be helpful to you. The purpose of the web site is to guide clergy and their families towards a saner and more grace-full style of life.This particular article is one of many which could help clergy and religious professionals and their families.

At the end of the article they have a section where you can post a “comment, question, story, or suggestion” about this article or respond to someone else who has done so.

To do so, scroll down after you CLICK HERE.

Paul Hegstom is the founder of Life Skills International (PO Box 31227, Aurora, CO 80041-1227, 303-340-0598) a network of over 90 programs offering support groups and intensive workshops for men who batter. His latest book, Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them will be released in the near future by Beacon Hill Press.This interview first appeared in STEPS, a publication of the National Association for Christian Recovery.

“I’m the worst pastor’s wife in the whole world,” said Julie, sobbing as she described how she had utterly failed God and didn’t deserve to live.”

Julie’s husband was the pastor of a large church in the inner city. At home he was a tyrant who bullied and abused his family, but in the pulpit, he was transformed into a godly man whom the congregation respected and adored. He was compassionate and gave 100% of himself to his congregation, but at home he commanded fear and absolute obedience from his wife and children, using scripture to justify his right to punish and terrorize. “God isn’t pleased with you,” he’d say as he slapped his wife into submission.

After years of convincing herself she was to blame for her husband’s endless assaults on her mind, body and soul, Julie heard a radio broadcast about domestic violence featuring the co-founders of FOCUS Ministries, Brenda Branson and Paula Silva. She quickly wrote down the phone number and called the next day from a friend’s house after her husband left for work.

“Good morning, this is FOCUS Women’s Center. How can I help you?” In a quiet, trembling voice, Julie shared her story. She hadn’t told anyone in the church because she didn’t want to be a stumbling block in God’s work or destroy her husband’s reputation.

If he lost his job, they would have no financial security, and besides, who would believe her anyway? She didn’t believe in divorce, and didn’t want her children to suffer the effects of a broken family. She was terrified she would lose custody of the children if she left, since he was good with words and could easily convince the court that she was an unfit mother with severe emotional problems.

“Tell me about a typical day in your home,” encouraged the lay counselor at the Women’s Center. “I feel like a prisoner in my own home serving a life sentence of hard labor. I’m on a time schedule where I have to account for every second of the day. In the mornings I’m expected to awaken an hour before he does so I can shower and get dressed, put on makeup, and cook a full breakfast. I’m responsible for making sure he gets up on time, for laying out his clothes for the day, and warming up the car before he leaves for work. If anything goes wrong, he says it’s all my fault.”

“He writes a list of chores for me to do each day, and warns me what will happen if I don’t get them finished. He gives me an allowance each week which is supposed to cover the cost of groceries and gas for the car. He checks the receipts and criticizes the purchases he thinks are unnecessary. If I want to go out to lunch with a friend, I use pennies, nickels, and dimes which I’ve hidden away in my lingerie drawer.”

“He calls frequently throughout the day to check up on me. He’ll ask what I’ve been doing, who I’ve been talking to, and what I ate for lunch. He even counts the cookies in the package before he leaves and after he returns to make sure I don’t eat too many and gain weight. If I’m not at home when he calls, it makes him very angry. He has threatened to buy a beeper and a cell phone for me so he can keep track of me throughout the day.”

“What happens in the evening when he comes home?” asked the counselor. “He expects the house to be spotless and for there to be a hot meal on the table. He becomes enraged if there are toys lying around or if the children are too loud. After dinner, I do the dishes, bathe the children, and get them ready for bed. By then I’m totally exhausted, but he demands my time and attention until he is ready to go to bed.

After reviewing the list of chores, he tells me how incompetent and lazy I am, and gives me strict orders for the next day. I feel humiliated and demoralized, but if I speak up in my own defense, he will grab my face with his strong hands clamped on my jaw bone and squeeze, while one of his fingers is digging into the soft tissue underneath my chin.

With his lips quivering and taunt, he’ll say, “Woman, look at me! You can’t do anything right! I’m under a lot of pressure and you’re not being supportive. God is going to punish you for being rebellious and keeping me from preparing a good sermon. It’s all your fault…’”

Julie explained that she must sit in the same room with him as he watches TV or prepares his sermon. She is not allowed to do needlework or crafts because her attention won’t be focused on his needs, but light reading is okay as long as she puts her book down when he speaks. “I need you to be with me,” he insists.

“Night time can be the most terrifying,” said Julie. “He uses scripture to justify his sexual demands and perversions. If he is unable to sleep, he wakes me up to listen to his ranting and raving about my failures, which often escalates into hitting and punching. I am worried that the children will wake up and see him assaulting me, and terrified that he will kill me one day in a fit of rage.”

“What do you do when he starts hitting you?” asked the counselor. “I take it as long as I can because it makes him furious if I leave the room. As soon as the rage has subsided and he goes back to sleep, I move to the living room and sleep on the couch. Somehow it feels safer than staying in the same room with him… unless he wakes up again and finds me gone. That makes him angry too, so he rips the blankets off me and pulls me off the couch onto the floor. I lay there until I hear snoring noises from the bedroom, and then crawl back onto the couch to get a few hours sleep before I have to get up the next morning.”

“Have you ever considered calling the police when he hits you?” asked the counselor. “No, I could never do that!” Julie cried out. “His reputation would be ruined if people found out, and I’m afraid of what he would do to me when he returned home.”

Julie suddenly got very quiet as she confessed, “I can’t take it any more! I feel so trapped. I’ve thought about killing myself. At least I would be going to a better place. It’s better to go there than to live in hell on earth!”

The FOCUS counselor met with Julie on a regular basis to help her identify her options and regain hope for living. She recommended several good books and invited her to a support group meeting for pastor’s wives who are being abused.

If you are living in a dysfunctional or abusive relationship, and your husband is a pastor or ministry leader, there is hope! Here are some steps you can take to get help:

1. Tell someone! Secrecy feeds the power and control of an abuser. If you do not feel comfortable in telling someone at church, tell a close friend or family member. It is best to confide in someone whom you can trust to maintain confidentiality. You need people around you to provide support and safety.

Contact FOCUS Ministries online at www.focusministries1.org or call us at 270-825-2423 or 630-595-7023. We will be glad to talk with you and provide you with literature and books that will help. You can also check with the women’s shelter in your area to see if they have support groups which you can attend. Be aware, however, that they may not represent a faith-based perspective.

2. Identify behaviors that are extremely controlling and abusive. Does your husband ever threaten you with words or a weapon? Do you have to account for your time away from him or every penny you spend? Is he hard to please, demanding, and overly critical? Does he call you names and criticize your appearance? Does he punish you when you don’t submit or obey his commands? Are you forced to have sex or perform sexual acts you aren’t comfortable with?

Does his anger escalate into a rage, with screaming, ranting and raving? Does he ever push you or hit you? Does he prevent you from leaving a room or follow you from room to room? Have you ever needed medical treatment because he injured you, or have you treated your bruises and cuts at home so no one would know? Are you afraid of your husband? If any of the above describes your husband’s pattern of behavior, you are living in an abusive relationship.

3. Understand that physical assault and battery is a crime! If he treated anyone else the way he is treating you, he would be arrested. It is not your fault! The problem does not lie with your behavior, but with his character! The best way to end physical abuse is to hold him accountable, even if it means calling 9-1-1 and charging him with a crime. Often, that is the wake-up call that will convince him to get help.

Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to leave, or ask him to leave, and require him to get long-term professional help and show verifiable changes before he is allowed to return.

4. Realize that God hates violence (Psalm 11:5; Malachi 2:14-16). Jesus came to offer freedom to the oppressed. (Isaiah 61:1-3). He loves you and will not abandon you. (Psalm 9:9). He will bring justice in his own time (Psalm 146:5-9; Psalm 10:17-18).

5. Take responsibility for your children’s safety and spiritual growth. Even though children are devastated by divorce, they suffer more long-term effects from living in an abusive home where they learn that daddy hitting mommy is normal. Children often base their view of God on their dad’s behavior. If their dad is abusive or controlling, they may have a difficult time trusting God as their heavenly father.

They may see God as a tyrannical judge waiting to catch them doing something wrong instead of a loving Savior who is for them, who offers unconditional love and forgiveness. An expert in the field of domestic violence believes it is much worse for a child to grow up in an abusive home than in a single-parent household. You need to evaluate your situation to determine the least harmful environment for your child, and then take steps to secure their safety.

6. Develop a safety plan! If your husband has already been physically violent, it is likely he will repeat the pattern of behavior. Even if he has only used verbal and emotional abuse to keep you in line, his behavior may escalate to physical violence as you begin to set healthy boundaries or confront his abusive behavior.

Contact FOCUS Ministries online at www.focusministries1.org or by mail at P. O. Box 323, Hanson, KY 42413 for a free, eight-page safety plan that will help you know what to do the next time violence occurs in your home. If you are being physically battered right now, seek help and a safe place immediately!

7. Identify the resources (support groups, shelters, attorneys) in your area. It is better to educate yourself about help available in your area now instead of waiting until you are in a crisis.

In her book, Broken and Battered, Muriel Canfield compares the story of the Good Samaritan found in Luke 10 to situations involving domestic violence. She writes, “A perpetrator of domestic violence [a pastor/husband] represents the thief as he wounds his wife, robs her of dignity, confidence, trust in men, trust in the church, and perhaps trust in God. She, like the stranger on the roadside, may be left half-dead, either physically, emotionally, or both.

Many people pass her by, not wishing to be involved because they have enough problems of their own. Some people pass because they think the woman behaved recklessly in taking that road… others walk by because they can’t believe any of the good people in the area would harm a woman to that degree, so they decide she’s faking. Others are in a hurry and hope the next guy stops.” Finally, the good Samaritan (perhaps a friend or counselor) has compassion and helps her get to safety.

In Ms. Canfield’s challenge to the church she writes, “After Jesus told the story of the Good Samaritan, he said, ‘Go and do likewise.’ And so must we. Whereas the church has not done its share to help domestic violence victims, secular organizations have counseled them, sheltered them, and funded them, standing in as Good Samaritans.”

Dear One,
You are important and precious to God.
You are loved and valued just because of who you are,
An image-bearer of the living God!
Even though you have suffered greatly,

God offers you hope and joy
and the promise to walk with you each step of the way.
You are not alone!

Remember… domestic violence is a crime!
No one has a right to batter you, verbally or physically.
It’s up to you to break the silence, confront the evil,
and stop the cycle of abuse.

May God grant you strength and peace, heal your pain,
and restore you to the woman He created you to be.

“I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten… and you shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God who has dealt wondrously with you.” (Joel 2:25)

“Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens. You have done such wonderful things. You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.

Then I will praise you with music on the harp because you are faithful to your promises, O God. I will shout with joy and sing your praises… for everyone who tried to hurt me has been shamed and humiliated.” (Psalm 71:19-24 NLT)

The above article was written by Brenda Branson, the president and co-founder of FOCUS Ministries. This is one of many informative articles featured on the web site for FOCUS Ministries www.focusministries1.org — a not-for-profit organization devoted to offer hope, encouragement, education, and assistance to women who are struggling in difficult circumstances, including spousal abuse.

Brenda is an author and public speaker and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors and co-host of Restoring the Hope Conferences for women. She has written over 800 articles and educational materials on the topic of domestic violence. She also writes a monthly newsletter called FOCUS, and has published four manuals on domestic violence for pastors, counselors, and support group leaders.

• VIOLENCE IN THE PARSONAGE?