Brian was in his early twenties when he came to my (Bill’s) office to talk alone. He was angry because I had told his wife, Kaye, that pornography should not be in a part of their sexual experience with one another. Brian has always been an independent thinker and did not like getting such bold advice from someone he didn’t know very well.

Brian was obviously uncomfortable, but he was intent on winning me over to his point of view. After very little small talk he blurted out, “So what’s the big deal with looking at pictures of naked women? Didn’t God create the human body? And isn’t the body beautiful?” “Yes, God did create the human body,” I replied, trying to disarm Brian’s assumptions. “And yes, the human body is beautiful. But Brian, do you need to use pornography in order to lose your wife?”

Brian was apparently stunned by the directness of this question as he began thinking out loud, “No, my wife and I have a good sex life and we would have a good sex life whether we watched X-rated movies or not.” “Does your wife want to watch pornography?” I continued. “No,” Brian said hesitantly. “Most women say that pornography makes them feel used,” I responded. “And men who are honest with themselves say that pornography controls them. A marriage cannot last a lifetime when you feel manipulated and your wife feels exploited.”

“Come on, Bill, how can you think that lifelong marriage works anymore? Do you honestly believe that a man can be satisfied with only one woman? You can’t really expect that! It would be so boring!” “Well, it doesn’t have to be.” I responded. “My wife and I have a very satisfying relationship and our sex life continues to get better.” “Yeah, but you’ve never done the things I’ve done. You haven’t seen the things I’ve seen. You live a very sheltered life so it doesn’t take much to give you a thrill!”

Brian sat thinking to himself. I could almost read his mind. How could this man truly believe that sex with only one woman could be as good as all the sexual experiences he had had? How could I expect him to change?

Brian tired to explain away the nagging dissatisfaction of his own life as he told the story of his quest for the sexual fulfillment he believed was his right. He bragged about the women he had “conquered” as a young man. He touted his venture into soft pornography, then hard pornography, and justified his daily addiction to pornographic material by pointing out that all “real” men did the same.

“Do you think I’m a real man?” I asked him. “Well, yes, I think you’re a godly man and I respect you.” Brian didn’t want to offend his pastor but he really didn’t think that a religious man understood sex. “I don’t look at pornography. By your definition I am not a real man,” I continued, much to Brian’s discomfort.

Brian’s half-hearted retaliation exposed the vulnerability he was beginning to feel, “You are not supposed to look at pornography. You’re a pastor!” “Am I not a man because I am a pastor?” At this point Brian realized he was trying to cover up his own pain by discrediting his pastor. The dam of his pent-up emotions broke loose as he told of the haunting pictures in his head, from childhood years, of his father, mother and other women engaging in sexual activity. Brian took time to listen to himself for the first time in his life.

“Why does my dad have to be a pervert? Why did I have to get a dad who would do those things to my mom? Why did my mom let those things happen? What’s wrong with me that I have to have these parents?”

Brian’s flood of emotions laid bare the source of his personal involvement in the sexual revolution. He didn’t respect his dad because his dad had abused his mom. He didn’t respect his mom because she had allowed herself to be abused. His response was to abuse his own sexuality so that he fit into the family. It was too painful to say his mom and dad were wrong.

In utter frustration he told me that he didn’t know how to relate to women without being sexually involved. He avoided all contact with women that wouldn’t lead to sex. In one final explosion of pain and frustration, Brian exclaimed, “After all I have experienced, I don’t think I can look at the woman I married with respect —as if she is a real person. I’m afraid I will only look at her as a sex object. But, do you really think I can change?”

Trying to Fill the Void
For children of the sexual revolution who want to have a lasting marriage relationship, the pornography issue is explosive. This generation has been bombarded with graphic sexual entertainment and flooded with opportunities to indulge every sexual imagination. Many boast of their newfound freedom and brag about their guilt-free lifestyle. Tragically, though, a rising number in the post-sexual revolution generation have found that being thrust into sexual experiments outside of marriage has threatened their ability to build a lasting marital relationship.

The pornography issue became a crisis for Brian when he met Kaye. He honestly loved Kay but was afraid he would be too sexually restless to build a lasting marriage. Despite his fears Brian and Kaye got married. For the first few months, Brian thought his struggle was over as he and Kaye seemed to be sexually compatible.

In time though, the thrill began to deteriorate as the allure of new experiences demanded Brian’s attention. To fill the void, Brian started bringing home movies that depicted couples engaging in various sexual activities. He convinced his wife to watch these movies with him and then try to perform the acts they viewed.

For Brian the excitement returned. He felt like new life had been breathed into their sex life. He couldn’t understand why Kaye had grown colder toward him. Kaye didn’t understand why Brian needed these movies. “Am I not exciting enough for you,” she asked. She wished Brian would love her just for herself, rather than for her body. But she was afraid she’d lose him if she refused to participate. She really loved Brian, but she was repulsed by the things he asked her to do.

The Empty Well for Men
This struggle for Brian and Kaye existed because pornography is an empty well. The well is empty for men because it can never satisfy. Men are easily aroused by visual images; that makes them targets of pornography. Initially, the graphic nature of pornography attracts the aggressive nature of men and makes them think that a need is being met.

In an environment of constant sexual stimulation, this aggressive nature cries out for more graphic displays and can even turn to a darker side —sexual violence. The more frequently a man watches pornography, the more graphic and violent the pornography must become to produce the same level of arousal.

Brian, like most men, didn’t think he would become violent, but if he continued to depend on pornography to help bring excitement to his marriage relationship, he was guaranteeing his own dissatisfaction. At first, it would seem as if the entertainment was working. But if he continued, he would find the level of absurdity and violence had to increase to reach the previous level of sexual pleasure.

The Feeling’s Gone
We have observed that depression is associated with prolonged exposure to pornography. Depression affects all aspects of life, including sexuality. Research has shown that “compared to healthy men, depressed men reported less frequent sexual thoughts and fantasies, less frequent sexual activity, less pleasure from their sexual activity, and less satisfaction with their sex lives.”

One man, addicted to pornography for 10 years, grieved over its effects on his life. His angst came to a turning point after seeking out a peep show where quarters allowed him to gaze at women rotating around on a platter while they masturbated. He thought: “There is no art, no beauty, and no acrobatic dancing. The woman is obviously a sex object and nothing else. The men are isolated, caged voyeurs. There is no relationship.”

Days later he took a trip down the coast, filled with natural beauty, eating at his favorite restaurants, and lodging at his favorite bed and breakfasts. As he stopped to gaze over the windswept ocean, he mused about the numbness that had taken residence in his heart: “I felt no pleasure. None. My emotional reaction was the same as if I’d been at home, yawning, reading the newspaper. All romance had been drained out, desiccated. …Was I going crazy? Would I lose every worthwhile sensation in life? Was my soul leaking away?”

The Silent Agony for Women
The well is also empty for women, because the acts depicted in pornography are stressful to women. One woman, after years of silent agony, was finally willing to admit her husband was addicted to pornography; she gave the following testimony before the Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography:

He made me want to die—every time he took me to bed—and I felt he wanted to destroy who I am. His triumph over me was controlling me in bed and making me feel what he felt. He didn’t love me—there was no feeling of comfort or fulfillment, only pain, emptiness and deep loneliness.

As a couple participates in pornographic activities, their relationship inevitably suffers. The woman feels used and the man is left with the frustrating reality that he is the only one pleased with the performance. Loneliness and alienation set in and the couple finally concludes they cannot meet one another’s needs.

The Downward Spiral
Even hard-core pornography users are admitting that a spiral of alienation occurs when pornography is introduced as a partner in a relationship. One young man, who had been involved in sadomasochism and the pornography business, got married, and then had children. He says he sees nothing wrong in his addiction to erotica or in sharing some of it with his children, but his comments reveal the numbing effect it has. “I don’t think my kids are ready for it. Hard-core becomes very detached. …I guess it’s the impersonalness that I’m not sure they can deal with.”

Although he’s not willing to face it for himself, he does recognize that pornography makes a very personal expression of love impersonal. This alienation spins downward through unmet expectations, which leads to withdrawal from real sex into fantasy and masturbation. Finally the spiral leads to anger, because neither the real-life sex partner nor his own body can keep pace with his erotic fantasies.

The Road to Sexual Fulfillment
The road to fulfillment is found in a whole new well to drink from. Sex is a very special gift that has been given to married couples to enhance their adventure through life. The adventure involves a curious exploration of the multiple possibilities a couple can discover to express their sexual love for each other.

As the couple continues to grow with one another, the intimacy builds. New possibilities for romantic and sexual expression are naturally found. But lifelong sexual innovation is possible only if the couple values the relationship and continues to grow. When pornography is used, the exploration process is accelerated so that a couple engages in physical activity beyond their own personal comfort level.

The natural discovery process is assassinated by the demands on the couple to perform up to the level of the entertainment. If an intimate relationship is reduced to a performance, the inevitable result is frustration and insecurity. Sexual success in any marriage requires that the discovery of sexual fulfillment happen at the pace comfortable to the couple, not that dictated by pornography.

The Key to Sexual Success
The key to sexual success is balance. The couple should be open to the process of discovery that is inherent in any intimate relationship. When new approaches to the couple’s lovemaking are uncovered, they both must remain open to the possibilities.

A wife should have the courage to listen to her husband’s needs and pleasure choices, but she must not allow herself to be reduced to a performer on the stage of her husband’s self-seeking fantasies. It is okay to say no in the midst of an intimate relationship when a woman feels that she is being taken advantage of rather than being loved.

Kaye had tried unsuccessfully many times to discuss her dissatisfaction with Brian’s demands, so she was amazed when he approached her one day and wanted to talk about the coldness of their relationship. “What is wrong with you, Kay?” Brian asked with a bite in his words. “How come you never want to try the things I want to try?”

“I don’t think anything is wrong with me. I’m just a woman, and women don’t like pornography,” she responded, trying not to react defensively. “Well, I know some women who like pornography,” Brian added, “They think it’s fun.”

“I don’t know those women, Brian. All the women I know are threatened and turned off by watching others engage in sex. I just want to make love with you, and I want you to make love with me, not with the women on the TV.”

Brian was listening, so Kaye went on. She spelled out in detail how she would like to be loved by him. Brian marveled as Kaye told him the romantic things he does that she appreciates. He felt close to her as she explained where and how she liked to be touched by him. He was pleased as she described how special she felt when he was spontaneous in their lovemaking. He felt ashamed as Kaye told him how ordinary and degraded she felt when she was repeating what they had watched on a pornographic movie.

This conversation opened up a new dimension in their relationship. Brian felt a renewed sense of pride in their marriage. Finally, he had figured out how to make Kaye feel special. He felt a new sense of courage in his intimate relationship with Kaye, as he came to understand her needs and desires. His sense of pride as a man was boosted as he saw he could arouse his wife, rather than focusing on only fulfilling his own desires.

Now, Kaye and he had a secret. They knew how to relate in a way that nobody else knew about. Understanding these mysteries about Kaye fired up a brand new desire in Brian. Eventually, Brian found enough security with Kaye to consider destroying the pornographic material he had diligently collected since puberty.

The Tough Choice
Brian was realizing that a man who wants to have a satisfying relationship with his wife must make the tough choice not to allow pornography to infiltrate his life and compete for his affection. He, like other men, discovered that authentic men don’t need artificial devices to gain fulfillment. A billboard in Midland, Texas, that we (Jim and Sally) especially like, pictures several men (noted sports and community leaders), with the caption, “REAL MEN DON’T NEED PORN.”

Remove the Strangler
The destructive effect of sexually graphic material on a man’s life is illustrated by an example from nature:

In Mexico and the tropical zones of South America a so-called “strangler” fig grows in abundance. The fruit is not palatable except to cattle and birds. After the birds eat it, they must clean their beaks of the sticky residue. They do this by rubbing them on nearby trees. The seeds of the small fig have a natural glue which makes them adhere to the branches.

When the rainy season arrives, germination takes place. Soon tiny roots make their way down into the heart of the wood and begin to grow. Within a few years the once lovely palms have become entirely covered with the entangling vines of the parasitic growth. Unless the “strangler” figs are removed, the tree will begin to wither, dropping one frond after another until it is completely lifeless. The only way to stop the killing process of the “stranger” fig is to take a sharp knife and cut away the invader. (From: Infosearch)

Developing a Plan of Action
In the same way, pornography will take root in the heart of any man and slowly steal his ability to love only one woman for a lifetime. If porn is a part of your life, the only way to put life back into your marriage is to take drastic measures and cut away the invader. You must develop a plan of action toward sexually explicit material:

1. Decide to abstain from pornography.
2. Decide to focus only on ideas that promote your relationship with your wife.
3. Decide to avoid places that would tempt you to get involved in the downward spiral.
4. Meet regularly with 2 or 3 other men who are sympathetic to the problem and will provide compassionate accountability.

These men should be made familiar with your plan to avoid contact with pornography. They should be given permission to ask questions such as, “When was the last time you viewed pornography? Are you doing the things you said you would do to build your relationship with your wife? How close are you to falling back into pornography?”

Note: If pornography addiction has developed, special action should be pursued. We recommend talking with a trusted counselor.

A Weekend of Freedom
Brian and Kay are fortunate. Brian sensitively listened to his wife as she lovingly confronted him with her distaste for pornography. As a result of their courageous interaction, they decided their relationship was too valuable to threaten with pornography.

They planned a romantic weekend away at a hotel with one requirement —the room had to have a fireplace. They loaded the provocative collection of pornography in the trunk and headed off for their weekend of freedom.

After sharing a delightful dinner filled with candlelight and romantic conversation, they went to their room and built a warm fire. Seated on the hearth, they proceeded to place the articles of pornography in the fire. While the material burned, a new sense of freedom came over them. It was as if the unrealistic sexual demands they had placed on themselves were rising with the smoke and dissipating in the air. That night was one of the most memorable evenings of lovemaking Brian and Kaye have every experienced, and the freedom introduced to their marriage has led to many more.

You may be feeling trapped by the escalation of explicit pictures you’re carrying around in your head. You may be feeling discouraged or demoralized by the unreal performance expectations placed on you by a spouse entangled in the web of pornography. Hang in there. You can hack away the invading tentacles and take the bold step to say no to pornography and yes to each other.

Pleasure Point:
Gather all unrealistic expectation builders (pornography, explicit movies, novels and so on) and arrange for a bonfire. If a fireplace is not available, gather up all the material and shred it or smash it with a hammer so no one else will be exposed to it.

Then lay out a new white comforter or blanket as a symbol of wiping the slate clean, and enjoy your new sexual freedom together. Make love in front of the fire or at another special “new” location that says, “I release you from the ‘fantasy sex syndrome’ and I commit myself not to use pornography.”

The above article came from the book, Pure Pleasure (Making Your Marriage a Great Affair) which was written by Bill and Pam Farrel and Jim and Sally Conway, published by SALTSHAKER Books. Unfortunately, this book is no longer being published so unless you can find a way to pick up a used edition of it, you will find it difficult to obtain.

The particular chapter, which this article came from, was titled, The Pleasure of Self-Control. Actually the book itself was written to provide practical steps for married couples to practice an intimate relationship and to encourage the development of certain skills which would help in this process. As they said in the introduction of the book, “Our hope is that this will be a practical guide and workbook to empower couples to find the intimacy they are looking for.”

Even though this book is no longer being published Bill and Pam Farrel have a long list of other books that you can obtain that will help you in many different ways so you’ll grow closer in your intimacy as a married couple. You can visit their web site at: www.farrelcommunications.com.

Some would say the above descriptions are overstated. You may have family or friends who say that you’re overreacting. After all, looking at pornography is “harmless” adult entertainment. Fantasy doesn’t harm anyone. Such opinions, though, are made out of ignorance and denial. Sexual addiction typically begins with the habitual use of porn combined with masturbation. This self-gratification conditions men to experience sex in isolation, moving them into what I call “the world of me.”

I’ve experienced firsthand the devastation a wife feels when she realizes the most intimate area of her heart has been betrayed. I’ve seen over and over the same pain in others, and only those who have been there truly understand it. But well-meaning onlookers, because they lack this understanding often make comments that create additional wounds.

Blackout occurs in different ways and at different levels. Sometimes disclosure is quick, and it seems like someone flipped the off switch. More often, a bit of information starts a dimming process that, over time, ends in complete darkness. One reason for the slower progression is the way many men are discovered. Often, they’re caught —a bill, note, or Web site gives them away —which leads to a partial confession. Even husband who desire to come clean leave out information in the face of fear. Add to that an angry and hurting wife, and to many men, complete disclosure seems impossible.

The result for the wife is like candle flames being snuffed out one at a time, as he discloses or she discovers more and more information. But, in a diabolic twist of irony, a partial confession turns out to be worse than none at all. Husbands must confess everything in order for real healing to begin. Lies of omission are still dishonest even if well intentioned. Anything left in the darkness leaves a noose the Enemy can tighten at the opportune moment. Inevitably the rest of the story comes out later, increasing the wife’s pain and making blackout complete.

…I suggest you use great caution in demanding too much detail from your husband. Morbid curiosity has left many a woman with too many images that are difficult to erase. The best thing is to get only the general facts needed, not the gory details.

When my husband got tired of running from the truth —and from God —he finally confessed everything. I took advantage of his desire to be completely honest. Looking back, I realize I asked some questions that crossed over the line of what I needed to know. Plagued by images I didn’t need, the war raged in my head every time those images came up. Thanks to the teaching in my husband’s men’s group, there were times I’d ask questions and he would say, “I’ll answer that question, but are you sure you want me to?” This was a good check. Realizing I had all the information I needed, I stopped asking for unnecessary details.

You may cringe at this next statement: If your husband has come to you and confessed all, you will eventually come to see that as fortunate. I was one of the fortunate few —my husband did come to me, though at the time I couldn’t see how anything good could come out of it. Eventually, though, I recognized my husband’s coming completely clean was the first truly positive step even though the further disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective, and it was the real beginning of healing.

Dave’s disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective, and it was the real beginning of healing. Dave’s complete disclosure helped me to realize I wasn’t the only one hurting. It began to sink in that God was showing me Dave’s years of pain. He was a broken man and God had let him hit bottom.

My anger cooled. Dave wasn’t having fun. On the contrary, he’d been living a double life and battling demons since he was eleven years old. In addition, with his full confession he had to be willing to accept all of the potential consequences, including losing his marriage. He realized nothing could be worse than remaining where he was —in spiritual bondage.

I’ve encountered many wives who’ve had to deal with this same heartache of sexual betrayal, and I’ve repeatedly witnessed that once the whole truth has been revealed, even by accident, healing can start —for the husband, or wife, or both. Most men want help out of their bondage but are too ashamed to ask. Many have cried out to God in agony asking Him to release them from it. Every man believes, however, that if others knew fully what he has done, they wouldn’t forgive him. This lie keeps him in hiding and away from healing.

His being discovered, then, can be a husband’s first step on the road to freedom. But just as important, his being discovered can be a catalyst for the wife to get help —if shame doesn’t keep her in hiding. Yes, I hated what I’d learned from Dave, but finding and dealing with the truth, though painful, was still healthier than living a lie.

The book also has sections after each chapter that can also be quite helpful. One of them is called “Path Lights” which contains related scriptures and quotes. And the other is called “Journaling” which poses questions and thoughts to help women to process through this difficult journey through journaling — which is essentially what marriage counselors help you to do verbally. So it’s like therapy of another kind. We can’t recommend this book highly enough. We can see where it would be extremely beneficial to any woman who has been betrayed by her husband’s unfaithfulness — whether emotionally or physically! Review or Buy This Book Now

Some of them said it was to so they could better “understand” their husband’s lure to such a thing, but a good amount of them admitted that they were caught up in the lure of it all.

It’s a “dirty little secret” that most women wouldn’t admit to and if they did, it would be with humor as “innocent” girl fun. After-all, women have sexual attractions also!

But, is it any less wrong for a woman to view an unclothed man in a provocative pose (who isn’t her husband) than it is for a man to view an unclothed woman (who isn’t his wife) in a provocative pose? Whether he “does it” first, isn’t an excuse. There’s nothing in the Bible justifies that excuse. The marriage bed is still “defiled” by having an image of another person involved when they aren’t one of the spouses involved.

To explore this subject further, we would like to refer you to an article written by Ramona Richards, which appears on the web site for Today Christian Woman.

To read this article, please click onto the link below:

• DIRTY LITTLE SECRET

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

To help you in this quest, we came across a web site where they gather the “best and brightest experts, authors, and teachers” under one roof to share their years of experience with you. And what’s different and fun about it is, they answer various questions posed to them, on video so you can both see them and listen to their answers.

These “experts” deal with topics ranging from marriage (including pornography questions) and parenting to money and career. They also intend to add many more answers in the areas of health, faith, and legal issues in the coming months.

So, to view frequently asked questions being answered by “experts, authors, and teachers” make sure you are at a computer that has video and sound capability and then please click onto the link below:

• VIDEO ANSWERS TO PORNOGRAPHY

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

The question was posed to us if flirting on the internet, by someone who is married, considered cheating. Here’s a portion of the answer I gave:

If someone is married, why would they think it’s permissible to flirt with anyone other than with their spouse? Not only are they putting themselves into a vulnerable situation where they can fall into temptation (even if they “fool” themselves into thinking they can’t be tempted— “fool” is the operative word here) but they’re playing with the emotions of someone else who shouldn’t be flirting back with someone who is married. It’s called being a “stumbling block” in tempting them to sin.

That other person may not know the person who is flirting with them is married. So, what if they build up romantic feelings for the flirting married person and they eventually find out that this person is married, is that fair? It puts them into a place of pain as they then have to make the decision to tear their heart away from someone they care for or they end up participating in cheating — either way, they lose.

I sure wouldn’t want that done to me if I were single! And I think the person who is flirting should consider that other persons’ feelings also. That’s really being cruel and inhumane to have so little compassion on the feelings of others — to be so insensitive that they would consider doing that to them!

I’m reminded of the Pharaoh of Egypt in Genesis 12 when Abram allowed his wife to be passed off as an unmarried woman and Pharaoh took her into his palace. It says in verse 17, “But the LORD inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram’s wife Sarai. So Pharaoh summoned Abram. ‘What have you done to me?’ he said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, ‘She is my sister, so I took her to be my wife’?”

One can argue that the circumstances went a step further than flirting. But it still comes down to one person contributing to another person sinning, and innocent people are hurt in the process.

Also the Bible talks about the fact that if we do something in our thoughts it’s the same as actually doing the deed itself. Flirting is being sexual in your attitude and/or words, so it doesn’t leave out the fact that this is defiling the Marriage Bed — which the Bible warns us against doing!

And even if the flirting spouse was up front with the fact that they were married, they’re contributing to another person sinning. If someone flirts with someone who is married, they’re guilty of trespassing into that marriage. They have no business flirting with someone else’s spouse.

So… tempting someone to flirt with you when you’re married is causing them to sin. Is that something we should do — contribute to tempting someone else to sin? Would that spouse want that to be done to their daughter or son? God doesn’t want it done to His either.

And even if you put all of this aside, what about the other spouse who has their marital partner flirting with someone else? How is this cherishing and honoring them (as the flirting partner promised in their wedding vows to do)? How is this “forsaking all others” as promised in the wedding vows? How does this make the faithful spouse feel? I can tell you that it hurts into the core of their being! How is that humane?

It takes an insensitive and/or immoral person to do that to someone else! We’re to be different than the animals. Being creatures of compassion is a large part of what separates us from the animals. I don’t see much compassion in this situation. It sounds more cruel to me!

It all comes down to making the choice of being a promise-keeper or being someone who only cares about themselves —that they don’t care who they hurt in the process. THAT’S what the person is deciding when they flirt with someone else who isn’t their spouse — whether it’s on the internet or elsewhere.

Just because it’s on the internet, it doesn’t mean that integrity is supposed to be removed from our actions. Integrity is who you are, and what you do, when no one else is looking but God. And flirting outside of marriage screams against being a person of integrity — it says, “I’m self-centered and I don’t care who I hurt in the process! What I want is what’s important here!”

• “Does the Internet attract and make sex addicts out of people who otherwise might not have been addicts?”

• “We tend to think of this as a male problem. Are women at risk, too?”

• “…Our culture abuses us sexually by bombarding us with unhealthy sexual images. As a recovering addict, how do you deal with that?”

• “What would you say to someone who knows he or she has a pornography problem?”

Above are just four of many questions that Jim Killam asked Dr. Mark Laaser (an expert in the field of Cybersex and its destructive pull), as he interviewed him for an article which appeared in Marriage Partnership Magazine.

The article also lists several sights that indicate you are “at risk for sex addiction” and then it gives “warning signs your spouse may have a secret cybersex problem.”It then points out “what to do if you suspect you are a sex addict.”

You can read what is discussed in the interview and additional information they give afterward, by clicking onto the link below which will take you to the web site for Partnership Magazine:

CYBERSEX TEMPTATION

-Also-

K. Jason Krafsky has written a few articles on this subject that you may benefit from reading on his web site Marriage Junkie.com. Please click onto the links provided below to read:

• IS FACEBOOK A CYBER THREAT TO YOUR MARRIAGE

• HOW FACEBOOK CAN IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP

-ALSO-

A radio broadcast series was put together by the ministry of Family Life Today with Dennis Rainey, where Mike and Jody Cleveland were interviewed on the subject of “Setting Captives Free”.

During this radio interview, Mike and Jody share his story of pornography addictions, with cybersex temptations with chat rooms on the Internet resulting in affairs and deception over a 15-year period of time. Mike explains how what seemed like a harmless pastime soon became an obsession so strong, only God could set him free.

To make the choice to listen or read the transcripts, please click onto the links below:

• ON THE BRINK OF DESTRUCTION (Day 1 of 3)

• SHEDDING LIGHT ON THE DARKNESS (Day 2 of 3)

• FINDING FREEDOM IN CHRIST (Day 3 of 3)

They ask the question, “how can I escape it” … “How can I stop doing what I don’t want to do?”

It’s like the Apostle Paul’s struggle, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Romans 7:15-16)

He went on to say, “As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that it, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do —this I keep on doing.” (Romans 7:17-19)

The Apostle Paul eventually recognized that it was the “law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God— through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

There is victory in Christ as we grab onto Him to help us gain victory over that which He has already conquered.

To help you to escape the trap of pornography —that vehicle the enemy of our faith is trying to discourage you from getting rid of, we would like to direct you to read several articles posted on different web sites. To read these articles please click onto the web site links below:

• I THINK I HAVE A PROBLEM. WHAT DO I DO?

• ESCAPING THE PORNOGRAPHY TRAP

• SLAYING THE SECRET SIN

• 10 STEPS TO OVERCOMING PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION

• HEALING A MARRIAGE PLAGUED BY PORNOGRAPHY

But there’s a lot about pornography and what it communicates that you may never have considered before that could affect how you treat women in your everyday life. It may be subliminal or deeper within your sub-conscience, but it’s still there. And it would be good to consider pornography, and the “truths” they communicate. Because they’re all lies!

And when you entertain lies, you entertain the father of lies — the enemy of our faith.

As children of God, that’s the last thing we should want to do.

To read this article titled
“Sex and Lies”
written by Gene McConnell and Keith Campbell,
posted on the web site for Troubledwith.com:

CLICK HERE

Pornography (“pictures intended to arouse sexual desires”) and now Cybersex (“sexual arousal involving communication on the internet”) are dangers that we face in today’s world that can appear to be innocent and victimless, but the opposite is true.

Called a “closet addiction” viewing pornography and participating in Cybersex can seem like “harmless fun” (they’re often referred to as  forms of “release from stress”) —yet they’re anything BUT harmless. They may be temporarily exciting and release something within a person, but getting involved with this fantasy world eventually heaps additional stress onto real life and relationships.

“Who says ‘Pornography doesn’t hurt anyone?’ Porn damages the viewer. Proverbs 6:27 says: ‘Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?’ The implied answer is ‘No.’ Lusting after people with our eyes and thoughts is equivalent to committing the sin with them (see: Matthew 5:28). Porn trains us to practice lust and live in a fantasy world. As a result, we burn with a lust that drives us to seek gratification. The memories resulting from our porn activities can last a lifetime and damage our ability to enjoy sex in our marriage.

“Pornography also can lead us down the destructive path of perversion. Pedophilia, homosexuality, rape and abuse are just a few of the many possible activities that porn promotes.

“Porn damages the viewer’s family. For example, your children could be tormented by any evil spirits that are tormenting you, or they may simply get hooked on porn when they stumble across your porn stash of computer files or magazines. Your spouse could be devastated if he/she discovers you’ve been committing “mental adultery” through porn. He/she may have difficulty ever trusting you again when they discover your secret life.

“It could take years for you to re-learn how to love your spouse and eliminate the stranglehold lust has on you. You may have to relearn how to have sex in a loving way, since you have become tuned for lust through porn.” (From the web site at www.porn-free.org)

So, viewing pornography and participating in cybersex is not a victimless past time. A person may find it to be temporarily satisfying and fun, but at what cost? No one person is an island in this world —other innocent people become involved in this as well, at their detriment.

Let’s face it, substituting fantasy can temporarily be funner than investing in and working through problems that arise in real relationships—that’s a given! But that’s only for a season, and the damage it causes for it’s fleeting pleasures can last a lifetime.

Eventually the real world and “others” demand the need to be faced. Reality comes back with a vengeance and real consequences occur, such as broken relationships, harmful reoccurring memories, money spent, lost job and opportunities, etc… just as with any addiction. And porn and cybersex CAN be addictive! It’s a type of fantasy world to the highest level!

The tragic thing is that most people who get caught up into pornography don’t realize how addictive it can become. Just like those who smoke tobacco or do drugs or become alcoholics, there is a pull — a drawing in power that causes people to keep going back for more, dismissing the dangers.

And let’s face it, which addict ever thought that they would be the one who would get addicted to that which they were “playing” with? It potentially can happen to any one of us who gets involved. “Pride” or thinking something could never happen to us comes before a fall, or “disgrace” as the Bible says in Proverbs 11:2.

It’s important to be careful in our actions as well as our judgments of others, lest we could become a potential victim of the harm that pornography and cybersex can cause.

“Pornography, a closet addiction, grabs you when you’re weak and holds you in its clutches. Just one more time, the lie draws you in. One more look, you click your way around the sticky Web. Lost in a fantasy world, porn becomes your focus and your drive. Denying the impact of addiction only covers the pain you are causing to yourself and others.” (Quote found on Growthtrac.com in their Pornography in Marriage section)

If pornography and particularly cybersex wasn’t so accessible, it could be easier to escape, but it isn’t:

“We often hear the expression, ’surfing the Web.’ But a better metaphor may be ‘walking on the beach’ because your footprints follow you wherever you go. All browsers, Netscape, Internet Explorer, AOL, are equipped with a cache—a temporary file that saves a copy of any HTML pages, images or files that you access for quick downloading later.” (From the article “The Dangers and Disappointments of Pornography” formerly posted on Pureintimacy.org)

There’s one of the catches in all of this —there is a snare that grabs those who give the enemy of our faith and the great deceiver any type of foothold. Temptation is more than accessible and willing to grab us at any moment!

For this reason, it’s important to pay attention to the Bible where it says,

“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of suffering” (1 Peter 5:8-9).

Whether it is you, or someone else you are helping, trying to escape the web of pornography and cybersex, here are additional warnings the Bible gives:

“If someone is caught in sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:1-2).

It’s difficult to even know how to continue with this article. But the best way seems to be to refer you to additional articles written by those who have a lot of knowledge and experience in teaching and helping you with this issue.

We’d like you to start out by reading the following that we have posted on our Marriage Missions International web site because we believe it will give you a good overview:

• QUOTES ON PORNOGRAPHY AND CYBERSEX

And then we’d like to direct you to two web sites put together by the ministry of Focus on the Family which have a variety of articles posted that could answer a host of questions you may have:

• ARTICLES FOR MARRIED COUPLES

• ARTICLES ON PORNOGRAPHY AND CYBERSEX

IN ADDITION: You may also find the following articles to be helpful. Please click into the web site links below to read:

• TALKING ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY

• WHY CAN’T HE JUST LEAVE IT ALONE?

• FOOLED BY FANTASY

• THE SECRET SIN: SEX ADDICTION

• PORNOGRAPHY AND CYBERSEX LINKS AND RESOURCE DESCRIPTIONS

This article was composed by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others with this issue, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

I have three thoughts to share concerning this issue:

1. The average female porn star retires at the age of 27 and the average male porn star retires at 32. The reason is that the porn industry sees the human body as being at its physical peak between the ages of 18 and 27 for females; 21-32 for males. The person in that video will never grow a day older or lose that “perfection,” yet your wife or husband will.

Here’s the warning: If you choose to use pornography as a means to sexually arouse yourself, you are forfeiting the ability to become aroused by your spouse. Over time, it will become more and more difficult to be sexually aroused by your life-mate because he or she will age while the porn star remains youthful. Losing the ability to be sexually aroused by your spouse is a very bad thing. Not only are you putting yourself at risk for the temptation of an affair, but you are killing what should be a beautiful thing between you and your spouse.

Furthermore, which is really the better body? The one whose breasts nursed your children? The body that held you close when you were scared or sad? The body that sleeps by your side at night? The world might see the young porn star’s body as being the best, but which is really the best? Why would you want to give up the ability to be aroused by the best?

2. The use of pornography will inevitably destroy the self esteem of your spouse. Porn stars are selected because they are not normal.

As your spouse is constantly exposed to the “perfection” of the people having sex in the video, he or she usually begins to feel ugly, inadequate and unwanted. It becomes painfully obvious to each spouse in time that a substitute is required to sexually excite his/her spouse.

Can you see how that would destroy self esteem? And trust me, it doesn’t get better with time-it only gets worse as each of you experience the normal aging process while, at the same time, watching porn stars who are always young.

3. If you are using another person —even a picture of another person —to sexually excite and arouse yourself, you are committing adultery according to Jesus. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).

I certainly don’t want to judge another person. Nor do I want to involve myself in another’s sex life. You are obviously free to do as you choose, yet I feel that it is important for you to have all the facts and viewpoints at your access.

This question has been asked so often by couples around the world that we felt it necessary to provide an answer here as a resource for individuals who want to please God in every area of their lives and to act in the best interest of their marriage and spouse.

Joe Beam is the President of the Family Dynamics Institute www.familydynamics.net.
To read more articles to help your marriage such as this one you can visit their web site by clicking here.

Family Dynamics is a nonprofit marriage and family ministry headquartered in Franklin, Tennessee in the United States of America. They help churches and organizations take proactive steps to prevent marriages from reaching a state of distress and to revive those that are already in distress. By being trained to lead their Dynamic Marriage course, you can transform bad marriages, increase intimacy in good ones, save the future of children involved in hurting homes, and bring new families into your church. For couples in troubled marriages, they provide a very successful turn-around seminar that saves marriage.